Perfect Posteriors

by Dubs Rewatcher

Rating: everyone
Tags: Carrot Top, Random, Derpy Hooves, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4091

After putting out a campfire, Derpy Hooves begins to believe that her rump has superpowers.

Derpy Hooves, muffin lover and mailmare, always believed she was just an ordinary mare...until one day, when she discovers: her butt is MAGIC. Now, using her powers, will she be able to save Ponyville? Or will it be doomed to live under the tyranny of trees, overpriced restaurants, and store-brand peanut butter?

Published 2012-03-06 18:23:25 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-19 08:40:13 UTC

Perfect Posteriors

"AHHHHHHHHH! FIRE! FIRE!"

Lickety-Split rolled his eyes before turning to face his friend. "Ugh, Pipsqueak! We're CAMPING. There's supposed to be a fire. Stop being such a wimp!"

The brown-and-white foal crawled out of his hiding space behind a rock. "I'm not a wimp!" he cried, stamping his hooves. "But...are you sure that the fire has to be so big?"

A fat gray colt sitting on a rock opposite Pipsqueak gave a hefty sigh. "It's gonna hafta be if we're gonna cook over it."

"Yeah, Chunk is right," Lickety-Split agreed. “And besides, I go camping all the time! There isn’t anything to worry about! Nothing is going to-"

"WHEEEEEEEEE!!!"

At that moment, all three colts were forced to duck for cover, as a large gray-and-yellow blob fell from the sky, right on top of their campfire. With a hiss, the flames almost immediately died out.

Pipsqueak gave a small sigh of relief---at least, until he saw Lickety's angry expression.

The beige foal stamped his hoof. "Oh, come on!"

Chunk jumped off of his rock and hurried over to the blob, which was now morphing into what looked to be a pony. "Are you okay...ma'am?"

The pony opened her eyes, revealing a set of large, yellow...completely mismatched eyes. "Where am I?" she drawled, looking around. "Why does everything smell like bacon?"

Lickety-Split grit his teeth. "Maybe because you're sitting on our fire."

Derpy looked down at her rump, the majority of which was now charred black. "Oh, that explains it!" she yelped, simply lifting herself up as if nothing had happened. All of a sudden, she paused to look where Lickety and Pipsqueak were standing. "Wait...I put out your fire?"

"Yes," Lickety seethed.

At this, the pegasus seemed to light up, both her eyes shooting out in seemingly random directions. "So, that means I saved you! I rescued you from a forest fire!"

Lickety facehooved. "Ugh, no, you just-"

Derpy began to stare at her flank reverently. "My butt saved you! My butt has super powers!"

Pipsqueak took a hesitant step forward. "Uh, Miss, I don't think-"

Before he could finish, the mare flourished her sings and shot crookedly into the sky. "My butt is invincible!" she screamed into the heavens. Focusing one eye ahead and the other downward, she added, "Stay in school, little fillies!" before flying off.

The three foals stared in the direction she was heading in. Lickety glanced at his ruined campfire before grumbling and kicking a small stone. "I'm never going camping with you guys again."

"Is this fresh?"

Carrot Top put on her winning smile. "Of course! All my carrots are home-grown, and sold the same day! Nothing but the best for my customers."

The customer, a pink mare with a flower in her blond mane, took a cautious sniff. "Are you sure? It doesn't smell fresh."

The salesmare’s smile sagged a bit. “I assure you, they are.”

“Can I try one?”

“No, sorry.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t give out free samples. It’s part of my store policy.”

The pink pony huffed. “Well, maybe I’ll just take my business somewhere else!” she snapped before storming off.

“Come back soon!” Carrot Top called hopefully. Hearing no response, the orange-maned mare sat back down and sighed. It was already noon, and that was the third customer that had left without buying anything. Maybe the carrots really weren’t fresh. Either way, she needed to sell something before

"WHEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Too late.

Before Carrot Top could even cry out in warning, her carrot stand exploded in a flurry of orange, yellow and gray. Ponies nearby yelped in surprise. Notably, the pink mare from earlier let out a squeal, and proceeded to faint. The dust cleared quickly, leaving a confused gray mare in its wake. She was covered in carrot juice.

Just as quickly as she had landed, Derpy regained her composure. “Hi, Carrot Top!” she yelped, speeding up to her friend in a fashion reminiscent of three certain fillies. “My butt is magic!”

Carrot Top looked up to the pegasus from her spot on the ground. “What?”

Derpy puffed out her chest in pride. “It saved three little fillies from a forest fire!”

“I bet you did,” the yellow mare groaned, picking herself up. She stared wistfully at her cart. That was the fourth...no, fifth time that month it had been obliterated by the clumsy pegasus. And Carrot Top wasn’t sure how many more times her insurance company would accept “plummeting pegasus ponies” as a reason to get her cart replaced. “Ponyville is a pretty small town. I think I would have heard if there was a forest fire, Derpy.”

"But it did! I was just flying along, doo de doo..." Derpy began, miming her words. "When, right then, I saw a bird! It was brown, and white, and gray, and one of its wings was featherier than the other, and it-"

"DERPY! Get on with it!"

"Oh, well, so there was that bird, right? So then I tried to hug it because it was so cute! But...I kinda missed, and fell into a forest fire." Derpy looked down at her hooves.

Carrot Top gave a weak smile. She knew that Derpy was well aware of what her clumsiness caused other ponies to think about her. Carrot Top was one of her only friends, and definitely the best. Sure, the pegasus could be a bit exasperating at times(especially with her crazy imagination), but it was well worth it.

"Okay, so you fell into a forest fire. What happened next?"

"I landed right on top of it! And get this!" The wall-eyed mare turned to show her friend her rear. "I put it out, and I wasn't hurt at all!"

The yellow mare had to stop herself from immediately throwing up. Derpy's flanks had become a disgusting sight. They were charred red-and-black, like a burnt...well, like a burnt pony. "D-Derpy!" she gasped. "You have to get to a hospital, right now!"

Derpy spun back around, looking shocked, almost offended. "What?! Go to a hospital? I can't, Carrot, I just can't! They'll cut me open and experiment on me! Haven't you seen the movies?"

"Why would they experiment on you?"

"They always do experiments on the magic guy! That's why they have...secret...identities." Derpy slowed down, and put on her thinking face(her normal face, but with both eyes focused). That was when it hit her. She grabbed her friend into a tight hug, one that lifted them both high into the air. "That's it, Carrot Top! That has to be it!"

"What's it? And put me down!"

"I have to fight crime, using my new found powers!"

"Wait, wait, what?!"

"I will become...Power Pony! No, Mysterious Mare-Do-Well! Wait, that's taken...I'll get back to you on this!" Derpy chirped happily. "Now, I have to go make my costume! Bye!"

"Bye...wait, Derpy, no, sto-"

Before the protests could reach Derpy's ears, the Pegasus had already dropped her friend and sped away. Carrot Top landed in the middle of her already squashed carrots, sending another wave of juice crashing over the crowds. The mare groaned, and began to recall the number for her insurance company.

"Oh, come on!"

"Mah kite! Gosh dang it, Scootaloo! Why do ya gotta run so fast?"

"Hey, don't blame me! It's the tree's fault."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders stared angrily at the large oak tree that had swallowed up their kite. Even the lowest branch was several meters higher than them. Nopony else in the park seemed to be noticing their plight. How could they get their kite-flying cutie marks if they had no kites?

Scootaloo flapped her wings uncertainly. "Sorry, guys. I don't think I can get up there."

“Ah just want mah kite back!” Apple Bloom whined as she stomped her hooves.

"Well, what are we supposed to do?" Sweetie Belle asked.

“DID SOMEPONY SAY THEY NEEDED HELP?!” a voice suddenly screeched, causing everypony in the area to jump. All three crusaders looked around warily. “I SAID, DID SOMEPONY SAY THEY NEEDED HELP?!”

“No!” Scootaloo yelled back.

“THAT’S WHAT I...WAIT, I MEAN, WHATEVER! INTRODUCING: YET-TO-BE-NAMED-SUPERHERO-MARE!”

All three fillies looked at each other. “Who?” they asked in unison.

At that moment, a mysterious figure flew directly in front of the sun, casting a large shadow over the denizens of Ponyville Park. It unsteadily descended. Everypony squinted to see the figure, which was slowly coming into view. The “Superhero” landed just a few feet behind the Crusaders.

The fillies gaped. “Derpy Hooves?” Apple Bloom gasped. “What are you doin’ here? And what’s with all the bags?”

Derpy shook her head. “Who is this ‘Derpy’ that you speak of? I am...a superhero! Gaze upon me and my flanks in awe!”

By this point, everypony in the park had gathered to watch the scene taking place. A cross-eyed pegasus, dressed head to toe in paper bags, yelling about her flanks? Ponyville may have been a strange place, but that kind of thing didn’t happen everyday.

Scootaloo rubbed the back of her head. “Well, uh, okay I guess? So, if you’re a superhero, can you help us get our kite? Like, fly up there?”

“I can do better than that!” the mare yelped, lifting herself up into the air. Almost immediately, she flipped around so that she faced away from the imposing oak. With a thrust, Derpy rocketed toward it. Everypony around heard and felt the ear-splitting crack as her rear end ripped through the bark, splitting the tree in two halves; a top, and a bottom. However, she didn’t stop there. No, the pegasus kept going, eventually crashing into the dirt about twenty feet away.

The Superhero lifted her head from the newly-formed crater. “Yayyyyyyy,” she squealed, “my butt has saved the day again!”

Carrot Top trotted leisurely through her favorite section of Ponyville Park. The trees, the grass, the flowers...it was pure beauty. And, it was just the thing to clear her mind after a stressful day. Luckily, the insurance company had accepted her excuse, and a check was in the mail. And, sure, Derpy had gone crazy, but what else was new? There was no need to worry. Just breathe in the fresh air...

BOOM

“AHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Somepony call the town guard!”

“My leg!”

“MAH KITE!”

Almost instinctively, Carrot Top burst into a gallop, heading toward the sound of screaming ponies. It didn’t take long to find them. At least two dozen ponies were gathered around large, fallen tree, the top half having somehow been snapped off the trunk. However, louder than all the yelling was the wailing of one young pony: a yellow, blank-flanked filly with a pink bow in her red mane. Carrot Top recognized her as being a member of the Apple family, but she couldn’t place a name.

“Mah sister got me that kite last Hearth’s Warmin’!” she yelled. “And now it’s crushed! Ahm gonna be in so much trouble!” Two other fillies that Carrot Top didn’t recognized sat next to her, comforting the foal.

Carrot Top tapped a gray stallion standing near her on the shoulder. “Hey, what happened here?” she asked.

The stallion turned and looked her straight in the eye. “An attack, that’s what! That pegasus simply came, destroyed this perfectly good tree, and crashed right into a field of petunias!” He leaned in close. “I happen to like petunias!”

The mare swallowed. “I-I see...’that pegasus?’”

“You know, the one with the eyes,” he muttered. Suddenly, he pointed back toward the oak. “Look, there she is now!”

And there she was. Standing on the fallen tree, wings spread and neck held high, was Derpy...dressed up in her Nightmare Night costume. Her rump now looked even worse; not only was it burnt, but it was now filled with splinters. Everypony was now staring at her angrily.

“There is no need to thank me, my little ponies!” Derpy said. “Your safety and happiness is all my butt and I need!”

Apple Bloom’s golden eyes burned with a fury unlike any other. With them, she bored into Derpy. “But Ahm not happy!” she shrieked. “Ahm anythin’ but happy! Ahm...mad!”

“Yeah!” the two other foals squeaked.

This sparked a round of angry jeers from the crowd. Carrot Top’s ears flattened against her head. She knew she could be a bit critical of her friend at times, but some of these insults were downright cruel. Fortunately, Derpy either didn’t hear them, or didn’t know what they meant, as neither her posture nor facial expression had changed.

Carrot Top sneaked her way over to the tree and hissed, “Derpy! What in the hay are you doing?!”

“Oh, hey, Carrot Top!” Derpy yelped entirely too loudly. “Did you see what I did? Everypony loves me!” After saying this, a large tomato flew through the air and hit the mare square in the chest. She picked it up happily. “Thanks for the free food!” she called.

With a jump, Carrot Top realized that everypony was now glaring at her, too. “Derpy,” she spat, “get down from there! You’re making a foal out of yourself! Besides, we still need to get you to a hospital!”

“No way, no how. I have a town to help!" At that, the Pegasus lifted herself back into the air. "AWAY!!!" she screamed, as she flew off, out of sight.

Carrot Top turned to face the crowd. She rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. “Heh, heh...”

The Sunflower Sammich Deli was known all throughout Ponyville for having some of the best food you could get that side of Equestria. Horte Cuisine, the owner, manager and waiter, worked hard to maintain his restaurant’s reputation. However, this often led to complaints about high prices. About a mile away from Ponyville Park’s newly-felled tree, at one of the many outside tables, one such complaint was occurring.

“Oh, my. Even the cheapest item on here is ludicrous.”

Cup Cake sighed and looked up from her menu. “You know, dear, we probably could have just stayed home and made our own dinner. We wouldn’t have had to worry about a babysitter, either.”

Carrot Cake shook his head. “Now, I promised you we would have a romantic night out, and I’m keeping to my word! Besides, the prices aren’t that bad...Celestia, look at the price on that alfalfa sandwich! Twenty-five bits!”

“IS THERE A PROBLEM?!”

Both of the Cakes jumped out of their seats. Standing next to their table, one eye focused on either of them, was a pegasus they recognized as the local mail mare. She would stop in every once-in-a-while to buy muffins. Cup Cake always remembered her for having a near endless amount of cheerfulness. But now, she looked almost angry.

"I, um..." the blue mare stammered.

"I asked, is there a problem?"

Carrot swallowed. "Well, uh, I was just saying that the prices here are, um, just a little bit...high?"

Derpy stood on her hind legs. "Aha! I knew it!"

"But, but we were talking so quietly! How did you even-"

"This is no problem for Muffin Mare!" the pegasus screeched. She leaned into them, much too close for comfort. “Like the name? I just made it up. Anyway, FOR JUSTICE!” She reared, flipped around, and with a strong flap of her wings, ripped right through every table in her path. Eventually, she made it to the restaurant, where she promptly crashed through the wall and continued her path of destruction.

Horte Cuisine watched in utter terror as the bagged-up mare destroyed his life’s work. “MY RESTAURANT!” he screeched. “NO! STOP, PLEASE!”

Thankfully, Muffin Mare had run out of things to destroy rather quickly, so she landed in the middle of the restaurant with a plop. Everypony who had been dining was now crammed up against the walls, scared speechless. Cup and Carrot Cake were simply staring at the giant hole in the side of the restaurant.

Muffin Mare smiled triumphantly. “Another day saved! All thanks to: MUFFIN MARE!” Without a care in the world, Derpy proceeded to rocket upwards, rear first, through the ceiling. There was a dead silence in the restaurant.

Carrot Cake gaped. Cup Cake facehooved before throwing her menu down on the table. “Well,” she said,” so much for romantic.”

“Hey, Sparkler?”

Sparkler looked up from the book she was reading, only to see her younger sister, Tootsie Flute, staring at her expectantly. “Yeah, Toots?” she asked.

“Can you make me a sandwich?”

The pink mare’s smile betrayed her eyes, which were rolling. “Celestia, what is with you and these sandwiches? I swear, you’re gonna turn into one some day.” She rose to her hooves and trotted into the kitchen. “Lemme guess,” she called back, “peanut-butter?”

“Yeah!”

“Do you want jelly this time?”

“Nope.”

With a glow of her horn, the refrigerator opened up for Sparkler. “You know, Tootsie, you should try something new one of these days! Peanut butter is good and all, but it’s going to get boring if it’s all you have!” she warned. She attempted to open the brown jar, only for it o stay stuck. “Ugh, these things never open when you need them to! I need to remind Mom to stop buying the store-brand stuff...well, at least there aren’t any crazy pegasi like last time.”

At that moment, a crazed pegasi crashed through the window.

“HOLY CELESTIA!” Sparkler screeched, dropping the jar. She backed up into the wall.

“MY BUTT SENSED THERE WAS A PROBLEM!” Derpy shot back, staring intently at the young pony. “I will correct it!”

Sparkler, hyperventilating, held up her hooves defensively. “Please, please, don’t hurt me, I’m too young to die, please, please...”

Tootsie Flute walked into the kitchen. “Sparkler? I heard yelling...w-who are you?”

“Tootsie, run!” Sparkler screamed. “Get out of the house!”

“S-Sparkler, I’m scared!”

“JUST RUN!”

And so the filly ran, tears streaming down her face. Sparkler returned her attention to the gray pegasus. “What d-do you want?”

Derpy gave a huge, toothy grin. “Me and my flanks want to help you! Now, gimme that jar!” She grabbed the jar, and carefully placed it between her flanks.

What Sparkler saw at that moment was something she would never forget. Not that she wanted to remember it, of course; it was simply burned into her retinas, an image that no amount of counseling or medication could ever get rid of. That night, for the first time since she was a foal, Sparkler would both request to sleep with her parents, and, when they said no and had her sleep by herself, wet the bed.

Muffin Mare happily slid the now open jar back to Sparkler, who was staring, jaw on the floor. “STAY SAFE, YOUNG COLT!” the superhero yelled. Within a few moments, she was already out the window, zooming off to whatever pony now needed her help.

“You wanted to see me, Mayor Mare?”

The mayor of Ponyville looked up from her paperwork to the yellow earth pony standing in her doorway. “Oh, Miss Carrot Top! Yes, please, come in and have a seat.” Carrot Top did as she was told. Mare cleared her throat. “You see, Carrot Top, I’ve called you in today to talk about your friend; one ‘Derpy Hooves.’”

Carrot Top felt a bead of sweat form at the base of her mane. “Oh, uh, really? What about her?”

“I think you know, Miss Top.”

“Oh, right. The...the superhero...thing.”

Mare smiled. “Yes, the ‘superhero thing.’ Now, as I’m sure you know, it doesn’t do very well for anypony to have a crazy, sight-impaired pegasus who believes she has superpowers roaming through the skies. We’ve gotten a lot of complaints.”

Carrot Top slumped in her seat and suppressed a groan. “I’m sure you have.”

“I’m glad you understand. That’s why I’m sure you’ll understand when I tell you that you’re the one who has to stop her.”

“Yeah, I...wait, wait, WHAT?! Why me?!”

“Well, you seem to be the only pony in town she really trusts. And, besides, you were the one who told her to do all this.” the greying mare explained. She locked eyes with her fellow mare. “It’s on your head.”

“I, but, but-” Carrot Top stuttered. “I wasn’t...I didn’t! Why can’t you get the town guard to do it?”

Mayor Mare clicked her tongue before breaking eye contact. “Trust me, Miss Top, they’ve tried. Unfortunately, it seems that the sight of a wall-eyed pegasus’ rump hurtling towards you at unimaginable speeds is enough to traumatize even the bravest pony. ...Who knew?”

“W-What about the Elements of Harmony? I mean, they beat Nightmare Moon!”

“According to Twilight Sparkle’s dragon assistant, they’re on vacation.”

Carrot Top was speechless. All she could do was facehoof, stand up, give a quick “okay” and leave. Mayor Mare smiled and returned to her papers.

Once she was outside, the yellow mare simply sat and looked up at the sky. Three days ago, she and Derpy had been having muffins at Sugarcube Corner, happy as could be. Now, the pegasus was flying around, terrorizing the city under the guise of a ‘superhero.’ What was she supposed to do...?

That was when it hit her. Carrot Top let loose a devilish smile. “If Ponyville can have a superhero,” she mused, “who says it can’t have a supervillain?”

A few dress horses made to look like hostages. A tape recorder playing loops of ponies screaming. An abandoned warehouse. Her own Nightmare Night costume: a devil. The scene was set. Carrot Top—no, Hell Hooves was her name now—let out a maniacal laugh. “Ha! Come face me, Muffin Mare! Meet your doom!” Hell Hooves wasn’t sure how, but she knew that Muffin Mare would hear her, and take the bait.

And that she did. Within seconds, one of the warehouse’s windows had been shattered by the rogue pegasus, who was flitting around wildly, trying to find the villain. “Come out, evildoer! I’m here to stop you!”

Hell Hooves stepped into the light, right next to her hostages. “It’s over, Muffin Mare! Witness the face of your final battle! MUHAHAHAHA!”

Muffin Mare stared at her nemesis. However, instead of springing into action, she started...laughing?

“I...wait, what are you doing?! Stop laughing and fight me!”

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Muffin Mare landed softly next to the villain. “Oh, Carrot Top, you look so silly! It’s not Nightmare Night! What are you even doing?” She started laughing again, clutching at her stomach fruitlessly.

Carrot Top stared at the pegasus. “But, but, I’m not Carrot Top! I’m Hell Hooves!”

“Yeah, and I’m Princess Celestia! Who did you think you were going to fool with that?”

The yellow mare gaped. ‘I...WHAT THE HAY?! How, why, you...UGH!” she fumed, tugging on her own mane. “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON ANYMORE!”

Derpy smiled at her friend. “So, what’s up? Why are you tying up plastic horses?”

Carrot Top let her head hang. “Derpy, we need to talk.”

“About what?”

“About...this!” Carrot Top gasped. “Derpy, you know I love you. You’re my best friend and nothing will ever change that! But this needs to stop. You’re hurting everypony around, including yourself. I don’t know how it is that you can’t feel any pain from your...you know, rear, but I know for a fact that it’s not healthy.” She touched one of her hooves to Derpy’s. “I just want my friend back.”

Derpy blinked. “Okay.”

“Well, because it’s...wait, okay?”

“Yep!” Derpy chirped. “If it really means that much to you, I’ll stop! I’m okay with keeping my powers secret. Besides,” she whispered, “it was way too much work.”

This made Carrot Top laugh. She tussled her friend’s blond mane. “That’s my Derpy!”

They started to walk toward the exit. “Hey,” Derpy began, “what were you even going to do if I had fought you?”

Carrot Top stopped in her tracks and thought. After a minute, she finally said: “I have no idea.”

Dear Princess Celestia,

I learned a valuable lesson today. It’s great to have a talent that you’re really good at. But if that talent ends up hurting others, it’s...not so great. One needs to learn what’s acceptable in society and what’s not, before they go around making rash decisions.

Your Faithful Student,
Derpy P. Hooves

Dear Miss Hooves,

My little pony, that is great to hear. I always love hearing stories like yours. However, if I may, I have one question: who are you, and how did you send me a letter through dragon fire?

I don’t remember ever having a student named Derpy P. Hooves.

Confused,
Princess Celestia