Lauren Faust's "IT!"

by Enduring Man-Child

Rating: teen
Tags: Scootaloo, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Sweetie Belle, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie
Length: 3274

There is a Monster in Ponyville...a Monster older than time, with almost unlimited powers. She may be older and more powerful than Princess Celestia herself. Good thing she's nice!

I have been so horrified for so long at all the "evil Pinkie" fics. I believe at the bottom of this genre lies the "evil clown" meme, and who is best evil clown if not Pennywise? So here is a fic that makes explicit what has been bubbling beneath the surface all this time. Note please: Pinkie in this story, despite all her strange powers, is as sweet and good as she is on the show. Because if she were a nigh-omnipotent extra-dimensional being, that's exactly how she'd roll!

Published 2013-07-15 22:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-15 22:30:02 UTC

Chapter 1

1

Scootaloo was miserable. She'd wanted to spend time with the other Crusaders but neither was available. Apple Bloom was stuck doing chores at Sweet Apple Acres and Sweetie Belle...well, she didn't know where Sweetie Belle was. She wasn't at Rarity's (to her sister's great happiness). Maybe she was at her parents'? And just as Scootaloo had decided to go by there and check (wouldn't you know it?) it started to rain.

It started out as a sprinkle, but in less than no time it became a downpour. Scootaloo frowned as she wondered why her heroine Rainbow Dash hadn't informed her of any such storm being scheduled for today. The streets were now too wet to ride her scooter on, so she held it over her head to shield it from the rain and ran as fast as she could for shelter. Unfortunately, in both her haste and the slipperiness of the street she fell and dropped her scooter. She watched in horror as, caught in the water now rushing down the curb, it sped out of sight and, to her horror, was swept into a sewer grate.

With a cry of despair she rushed to the offending opening and stretched her hoof into it, hoping to somehow snatch it from oblivion, but knowing that it was hopeless, that her beloved scooter was gone forever—

Wait! What was this? She had it! Somehow the scooter hadn't fallen all the way down into the sewer. Something was holding it! Scootaloo turned to the opening and was met with a pair of bright blue eyes.

“Hiya, Scoot!”

Scootaloo screamed.

LOUDLY.

“Ow!” Pinkie said, rubbing her ears, “Why'd you do that? That hurts!”

“Sorry, Pinkie!” she apologized. “But you scared me!”

“Oh! Sorry about that!” said Pinkie.

“What are you doing down there, anyway?” Scootaloo asked.

“Oh,” Pinkie said, blushing, “you remember that party I threw a while back? The one that had the cake with the chocolate icing? Hee, hee!”

“Yeah...the icing you accidentally made from Pony-Lax,” Scootaloo remembered.

“Yeah!” Pinkie said, obviously embarrassed. “Well, I didn't mean to! Sheesh, just because I'm a nigh omnipotent extradimensional being doesn't mean I can't make a mistake now and then! Anyway, that caused such a mess that the Mayor has me down here cleaning the sewage system. And a good thing I am, too,” she added, “or you would have lost this!” She presented the scooter.

“Wow! Thanks, Pinkie!” Scootaloo enthused. “I'm sure glad that you're a nigh omnipotent extradimensional being who only uses her creepy powers for good! Er...is that music I hear down there?”

“Oh...yeah!” Pinkie answered. “I zapped up a circus. It makes the work go faster.”

“Can I come down with you?” Scootaloo asked. “I can't find my friends and I'm lonesome! Plus it's wet as blazes up here.”

“Ew...no!” Pinkie said. “This is a sewer! It stinks down here! P!U! If it weren't for my creepy supernatural powers I'd be barfing!”

The lonely little tomcoltish filly actually seemed to be fighting back tears.

“Oh, don't cry, kiddo! Here! Would you like a balloon?” And sure enough, Pinkie conjured a balloon from nowhere.

Scootaloo's face brightened immediately. “Does it float?” she asked.

“Duh! What, do I have helium in my lungs? I just blew this one up myself!”

Scootaloo's brighter countenance vanished.

“Oh, what the hay!” Pinkie exclaimed. “What's the fun of having nigh omnipotent creepy supernatural powers if you don't use 'em to make your friends happy? Let's see...think, think, think...helium breath, helium breath, helium breath!” And Pinkie untied the balloon, releasing the air inside, and blew it up again. Retying it, she released it from her hoof, only to have it float up to Scootaloo.

“Wow! Thanks, Pinkie!”

“You're welcome, Scootaloo!” she said in a hight, unnaturally squeaky tone. Both she and Scootaloo laughed at her helium voice.

“Oh well,” she said as her voice returned to normal, “now run off to your folks' (or to the orphanage depending on your back story in this fic) and get out of this rain before you catch cold, young lady!”

“Huh?” Scootaloo asked.

“Um...never mind! Just get some place warm and dry, okay?”

“Sure thing!” she replied, her loneliness gone and happiness restored. “Thanks, Pinkie Pie!”

“Sure thing, Scootster! If you ever need my help, just holler. Remember, I'm everywhere at once!”

“Yay!” Scootaloo said, stealing Fluttershy's line. “We're so lucky to have such a nice nigh omnipotent extradimensional being living with us in Ponyville!” And she skipped off, all unhappiness forgotten.

“Ah, youth!” Pinkie said (even though she was eternal and such concepts didn't apply to her). “Oh well...back to work!”

The sewers were full of music.

2

Sweetie Belle hated having to shower after PE with the other fillies. All the Crusaders did. It was an occasion for juvenile torment, when the other fillies teased the “blank flanks” relentlessly, with no adult supervision to prevent it. And today she was the only “blank flank” in the room. Apple Bloom was in a different class and (just her luck!) Scootaloo had a ticklish throat, and a note from Nurse Redheart asking her to be excused from class that day. So there she was, required to shower with the others (there was no getting out of it, unfortunately), and all alone against the rest of the world.

Sure enough, the other fillies formed a circle around her and began laughing and teasing her. Sweetie Belle was the most sensitive of the Crusaders, and the teasing was always hardest on her. But today, without a friend by her side? It was simply unbearable! She tried to be brave, but sure enough, the tears began to flow.

“Awww, what'cha gonna do now, Blank Flank? Is the little foal gonna cry? Huh? Is that what you're gonna do?”

The cruel laughter grew louder, as did Sweetie Belle's tears. She was so miserable. She would give anything to be somewhere else, anywhere else but here. If only the earth would open up and swallow her!

“HEY!”

They all froze at the sound of the voice. It seemed to have come from the drain in the shower floor. And sure enough, soon a pair of hooves appeared as the drain popped out. Then, to the horror and surprise of all, the hooves actually stretched the drain hole until it was large enough for a pony to come out of!

The fillies commenced to panic. Their teasing forgotten, they ran screaming hither and thither, trying to escape. But the shower heads stretched out from the walls and blocked the way to the exit. They were trapped!

A bright, frizzy pink mane appeared out of the hole in the floor. And beneath it was a scowling pink pony.

“Whew! It's just Pinkie Pie!”

“You scared us, Pinkie!”

Pinkie didn't say anything. She continued to scowl at the fillies.

“Did I hear you teasing Sweetie Belle about being a 'blank flank?'” she asked at last.

The fillies couldn't meet her gaze. They stared at the floor, ashamed of themselves.

“Don't you know that's not nice?” the pink pony continued, as with a wave of her hooves she sent the shower heads back to their normal positions and hopped out onto the floor. “You were all 'blank flanks' once. How would you feel if you were the only one without a cutie mark and all the other colts and fillies were picking on you?”

The uncomfortable silence continued for a while. Then one of the fillies, the ringleader of the others, approached Pinkie penitently.

“We're sorry, Miss Pinkie Pie. W—we didn't really mean any harm. We were just having a little fun.”

Pinkie's stern look remained.

“Do you think it's 'fun' to be teased when you're all alone against everypony else and being treated so badly that you cry?”

There was a murmur among the group.

“I—we never thought of it that way,” the head troublemaker said. “We're awful sorry. Will you forgive us?”

“I'm not the one you should be asking!” Pinkie said, indicating Sweetie with a hoof.

The ringleader turned to Sweetie Belle, and with a great deal of difficulty raised her head to look her in the face.

“I'm sorry, Sweetie Belle. I'm sorry I was mean to you and make you cry. I—I wasn't thinking about how it would feel if it were me.”

There was a general murmur of agreement among the others.

“Well, Sweetie?” Pinkie asked.

“It's okay. I—I forgive you guys!”

“Now have a group hug and make friends, and let's not let this happen again, okay?” Pinkie said.

The fillies hugged and laughed, feelings now healed and restored.

“Thank you, Miss Pinkie Pie!” the formerly offending fillies chorused, “you made us see the error of our ways!”

“Hey, nobody's perfect—except me!” Pinkie replied. “Now, back to class with you!” And the schoolfillies, their humors restored rollicked out the shower room. All except Sweetie Belle, who turned at the last moment and ran to Pinkie.

“Oh, thank you, Auntie Pinkie! You're my nigh omnipotent, creepy supernatural extradimensional heroine!”

“No problem, Sweetie! You're just lucky I came down into the sewer to lay my eggs today. Now, back to class! You don't want to be tardy.” And Pinkie disappeared back into the hole she had stretched in the floor.

“Ahem!” Sweetie Belle said for attention. “Pinkie? You might want to fix that...”

“Oops!” A blushing pink head reappeared once again. “Thanks for reminding me, Sweetie!” And she zipped up the floor once again.

With a sigh of happiness, Sweetie Belle bounced out of the shower to rejoin her now reconciled friends.

3

Rarity watched in horror as the parasprites wreaked havoc in her boutique. Even when they weren't devouring everything in sight under the influence of one of Twilight's spells, they were still 'Trouble' with a capital 'T.' Not only could she not get any work, done, but she had to close the shop. No way she could allow her customers to see her business in this state!

When, O when, was she going to get here?

Suddenly an eerie quiet filled the room, followed by a wind that seemed to come from nowhere. It blew open a photo album of Rarity's that was sitting on a nearby desk, flipping pages until it came to a picture of her and her five friends, where it stopped. As Rarity watched in amazement, the Pinkie in the photo literally came alive and jumped out of the page to stand before her.

“You sent for me, Rarity?”

Pinkie Pie's voice was music to Rarity's ears. At last!

“Oh, Pinkie darling!” she cried, “these dreadful insects are destroying my beautiful boutique! Please dispose of them!”

“I'll be right back as soon as I can find a tuba!” she replied, preparing to leave.

“Wait, darling!” Rarity said to stop her. “That would simply take too, too long! I was hoping you would assume your [here she used air quotes] 'true form' and get rid of them that way. Plus it would be so much quicker!”

“Hmm,” Pinkie thought, “you know I don't like to do that around you mere mortals.”

“Oh please, darling? Just this once? For meeeee?” And forgetting that her audience was not a love-struck stallion neighbor (or Spike), she batted her eyelashes.

“Oh...okay, Rarity,” she said at last with a smile, “anything for one of my bestest best friends!”

“Oh, thank you so much, darling!” Rarity cried, hugging her pink friend. “You have no idea what this means to me!”

“Oh, it's all right,” Pinkie said. “Now you better take Opalescence and get out of here. If either of you sees the pulsating lights on the underside of my abdomen you'll go so bat-poop bonkers that even I want be able to zap you back to normal!”

“Very well. Come with Mama, Opal darling!” And for once the grumpy cat, being equally sick of the buzzing cloud of insects, actually did as she was told.

Alone now in the boutique, Pinkie Pie smiled grimly. The whole room was soon bathed in a blinding, eerie light.

After a pleasant hour at the spa (except for the protestations of Aloe and Lotus at having a cat brought into their establishment) Rarity and Opal were back at the door of their home. Surely Pinkie was finished by now?

Just at that moment the door flew open and out trotted Pinkie Pie, towing a large web sac full of parasprites.

“Oh! You're right on time, Rarity! I just got finished!”

“Splendid, darling! Um...you didn't get your webbing all over my walls, now, did you?”

“Well, duh! I had to do that to catch the little rascals! But don't worry; it's all cleaned up now!”

Rarity breathed a sigh of relief. “I simply can't thank you enough for helping me out, Pinkie dear! Would a new outfit be sufficient? Perhaps an eight-legged ensemble for when you feel like letting go?”

“That sounds great, Rarity! But don't worry; take your time. I just enjoy helping my friends! Anyway,” she said, “got to get these things down to the pipes by the sewage lagoon. The kids will be hatching any day now, and they're gonna be hun-gree!”

Rarity watched Pinkie bounce off with her haul. “I always forget to ask her how she reproduces here in Equestria while she actually exists as a series of lights outside the universe,” she mused. “Oh well! I'm just glad she chose Ponyville to do her reproducing in!”

Opalescence looked apathetic about the whole thing.

4

It was a beautiful full moon. In fact, it was the Harvest Moon—the largest, brightest, and most beautiful moon of the entire year.

Twilight Sparkle sighed with contentment as she continued to gaze at the heavenly orb, pausing to take an occasional note on a scroll, holding the quill by her magic (Spike was taking a well-earned nap). She couldn't believe that she had been mortified when Princess Celestia first sent her to Ponyville to live and study the magic of friendship. She thought her life was over. Instead, it seemed, it was only beginning. She not only made her first friends ever, but the most wonderful friends a pony could ask for. And as the town's public librarian she could still devote as much time as she needed to her studies and to the stars. This quiet little town had proved a paradise for her and her assistant.

She ceased her reverie and once again looked into the lens of the telescope. Suddenly she thought she saw something...something very not right. Was the moon...moving? Turning around?

“Hey Twilight!”

Twilight gasped. She took another quick look. There on the moon...was a face! A very familiar face.

“Pinkie? Wh—what are you doing up there?”

“Oh!” said Pinkie, “well, somepony has been sending scrolls to the Princesses telling them we need to be watching out for stray comets and asteroids so we can do something about 'em if they're headed this way. Sound familiar???”

“Oh, Pinkie...I didn't know they were going to give the job to you! I'm so sorry I'm responsible for putting you to such trouble!”

“Psych! Just kidding, Twilight!” Pinkie said, laughing. “Oh, that's what happened, all right, but it's not any trouble. I mean, honestly, I'm a nigh omnipotent multidimensional being whose essence resides outside the universe. Nothing's any trouble to me!”

Twilight blinked and then laughed herself. “Well, you got me good, Pinkie Pie! I was really afraid you were upset with me!”

“Well, I am upset with you, come to think of it,” Pinkie replied. “I mean, here I am up here doing my job, and...Twilight Sparkle! Were you watching my BUTT? Naughty girl!”

Twilight blushed red. She knew it was only a joke, but it was still embarrassing.

“So, you're into that kind of thing, are you? Wanna see me shake my 'groove thang?'” And the moon turned around and began to dance in a most suggestive manner as Pinkie Pie hummed a stripper melody.

“DOO-doo-doo-doo! DOO-doo-doo-doo! How do you like them apples, Twilight Sparkle?”

In spite of her embarrassment, Twilight was laughing.

“Don't worry, Twilight; your secret's safe with me!” The moon turned around once again. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my crater! Oh...wait!” Pinkie's face turned from Twilight again. “Look at this, Twilight!” she said as she wiggled the moon around, “You're being mooned by the moon! Woo! Woo! Woo!”

“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted hoarsely, “cut that out before somepony sees you!”

“Silly filly!” Pinkie said as she turned to face her again. “No one can see or hear me but you. You are in me power!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!”

“Pinkie, you're scaring me!”

“I am? Oh, I'm so sorry Twilight! I was only kidding around with you! I forget sometimes how intimidating a nigh omnipotent multidimensional being can be to mere mortals. W—will you forgive me?” And her face showed that she was one hundred percent sincere.

“Sure, Pinkie! Sorry I was let my fears get the better of me when everypony knows she can trust you. Um...how are those asteroids and comets looking, anyway?”

“Um,” Pinkie said, facing away from Twilight and back again into outer space, “nothing to be concerned about till the middle of the next century at the earliest. And not to worry, since I'll still be here, protecting all my friends from anything nasty out there!”

“Oh Pinkie, you're so good to us! We really are lucky to be friends with a nigh omnipotent multidimensional being who only uses her creepy powers for good!”

“Yeah, I get that a lot!” she said. “Well, I guess I better get back to work looking around for any nasty mcnasties out in the galaxy. It's getting late, though. Why don't you turn in?”

Twilight yawned as she realized that Pinkie was right.

“All right, Pinkie, if you say so.”

“Goodnight, Twilight Sparkle!” Pinkie wished her, “why don't you come by Sugarcube Corner tomorrow and I'll use my creepy powers to make us a dessert or something?”

“Will do! Good night, Pinkie Pie!”

“'Night, Twilight!” Pinkie's voice trailed off with a laugh as the moon resumed its usual position in space. “Look behind you!”

Twilight did so and found a yellow balloon floating there. On it were the words, “Sweet dreams, Twilight!”

“Aw, Pinkie! You're just so nice!”

She shut down the telescope for the night and took the balloon by the string when a thought suddenly occurred to her. Pinkie's face had been on the dark side of the moon. No pony had ever seen the dark side of the moon. But she had, tonight! While Pinkie was speaking to her!

“I could have studied the dark side of the moon, and I didn't even think of it!” she said out loud in frustration. I'm so stupid! AGH!”

Suddenly the balloon popped with a loud bang, startling Twilight. She turned to look at her hoof where the balloon had been a short time before. She found she was now holding a piece of paper.

She brought it to her face. She read the words.

“A map of the dark side of the moon!” she said, elated. Oh Pinkie, how thoughtful! I love you!”

“I love you too, Twilight!” she heard Pinkie's voice quietly echo inside her head as she drifted off to sleep.

END

Author's Note

There, you cads, you miserable despisers of Pinkie Pie! I have used reason to defend our sweet lady, and now I have used humor. If THIS be not enough to lead ye to repentance, then next time, sirrahs, [taking pugilistic stance] I shall use brute force! Have at thee! [Swings]