Pinkie Pie yawns sleepily as she opens her eyes. Soft sunlight filters through her light blue curtains, staining her bedroom a beautiful shade of indigo. She's up early, nearly as early as she once had when she'd lived on the rock farm. The sun has barely finished its daily ritual of rising. Nopony else should be up this early. Pinkie wonders briefly if her sisters, Inkie and Blinkie Pie, were awake. Probably. She loved them. She really did. But she had to leave. She couldn't live in one place for as long as she had. Her bad luck begins to rub off on ponies and places that she stays near. Now she lives in Ponyville. She could probably stay for another few years before needing to leave. Pinkie lays in her bed, awake, but still dreaming.
She looks up at the ceiling, admiring her collection of stickers. The ceiling had long ago began to run out of room, so some of the stickers spill over onto the walls. Her eyes flit between the stickers, never stopping on one for longer than a second or so. A balloon, a tree, a monkey, a pie, the cutie marks of each of the Wonderbolts, the portal logo. A small smile appears on her face when she reminisces in the memories each one gives her. She should be happy.
So why are there tears? Why are there tears flowing down the sides of her cheeks. Why are there tears wetting her mane?
It's there again.
That feeling of impending doom.
That feeling that she's getting closer and closer to the end of the game. That any second now, the stars will begin to wink out, one by one. Galaxies will die, worlds lost into the oblivion. The entire universe will begin collapsing in on itself. Life will end. Everything... Everything will just... Cease to exist.
She knows it's coming. Every day the feeling gets worse and worse. Soon, she knows, it will all end.
But not today. No, she doesn't get the luxury of death. Not yet. Instead, she'll be tortured by this feeling, and the uncertainty behind it. Maybe it is just a feeling. But if it is, she has no way of deciding what to do next. She can't give herself the luxury of death either, because, maybe it is just a feeling. She would kill herself, lose all of her friends, all for nothing. But what if it is real? If it is happening soon, a fast death right now would be much preferable to the alternative. Better than living through it all until the end. Better than watching the ponies around her die. Better than watching the planet slowly disintegrate. Better than feeling the bonds of her every molecule burn apart. Feeling herself fall apart into nothingness. It's a terrible, if humbling feeling.
But what if it's that's all it is? What if it's just a feeling? She can't kill herself over a hunch. Even if her hunches are usually right. She tries to keep smiling, but a sudden onset of sobs overpower her. She thinks of her friends. How will they fare with the end of the world coming? She doubts that they can feel it coming. The others never do. She's lived through it before, many times. Most of those times she looked different. The first time she remembers she had been a white Pegasus, with a golden mane. A special Surprise, appearing into the universe with an unknown purpose. That's what she was, and still is, even if the others don't recognize her.
That's how Pinkie lived. From the beginning to the end. Every time. She feels the power of a new universe being created, and what seems like only moments later, feels the pain of the whole of creation being torn apart and melted down, smashed together so tightly it takes up a negative amount of space, and then exploding in the creation of the next loop.
She had tried to kill herself before. It hadn't seemed to work, she would just wake up someplace new, usually looking different than before. She eventually discovered that if she overdosed on pills at the right time, she could die right as it all ended, without the pain, not returning until after the beginning. It saved her from the pain, but it felt wrong... She knew she wasn't supposed to kill herself. It wasn't a part of the game. What game? She didn't know. All she knew was that something powerful was playing a game with her. Something more powerful than the princesses. The princesses weren't even real. They were false gods, playing at divinity because they thought they were immortal. They had only been in a couple versions of the universe. They weren't as special as they seemed to think they were.
In fact, there were only two beings other than Pinkie Pie that showed up in every version of reality. And only one other who understood. The first was Spike. He didn't usually change much, mainly just his color, although once he'd been a gryphon. Funny how that works. He had no idea what she had been talking about when she tried to ask him about the loops though. He didn't last forever like she did. He was born, and he died. But he always appeared at least once per timeline. The only other one like Pinkie was The Doctor.
The last of the Time Turners. He understood how Pinkie Pie felt. He could feel it too. He could feel the Earth beneath their feet hurtling across space, he could feel the universe aging, the powers playing with them. They understood each other. They both lived on, changing forms when they died. He had been many shapes and colors, the only constants being his cutie mark, and his terrible luck. They had tried to stick together, to be friends, but one day they had gotten into a horrible fight. The fight became a battle, leading to Pinkie actually killing her only true friend. When he regenerated he vowed not to speak to Pinkie for the rest of eternity. Pinkie secretly wished they could be friends again, but he had begun to replace her with his so-called "companions". Once, he'd taken Twilight Sparkle as his companion. Another time, the wall-eyed mail mare. Always mares. Once, he'd even brought Pinkie's own sister, Bright Leaves, as a companion, just to rub it into Pinkie's face.
She gazed at her ceiling full of stickers. A star, a clock, a pear, a bit symbol. More and more memories of this most recent life. She'd been through one-hundred and seventeen separate lives since this loop began. First, she'd been a grey and blue mare named Starfield. She had been one of the fastest Pegasi around. Next, she'd been an Earth pony, orange and tan, named Bright Peals. She had been a popular singer in her prime. Once she had been a Unicorn who couldn't levitate anything that was made of steel. Another time she'd been a red Pegasus with a defective wing. She had been born with a lot of defects this past loop.
Pinkie Pie cries some more, not noticing Mrs. Cake slowly enter the room.
"Oh, Pinkie, whatever is the matter? Calm now, I'm here. Why are you crying?" Mrs. Cake strokes Pinkie Pie's unruly mane. "You can always tell me."
No I can't, Pinkie wants to say. I can't tell you anything.
"Your friend Rainbow Dash stopped by, she was wondering if you were awake. Are you up for some playtime?" Pinkie looked out the window, noting with shock the sun had nearly reached its highest point in the sky. When had it gotten so late? Pinkie wondered. Her train of thought stopped when she heard the words 'Rainbow Dash,' and she locked her memories away, as she always did around others.
"Rainbow Dash?" She asked, her eyes instantly drying as her lips turned upwards into a smile, "that sounds absolutely positively wondertastifical! Bye!" Pinkie Pie bolts out the door, hopping down the stairs to meet Rainbow Dash outside. She'd been thinking about something sad, but she didn't have time for sad things right now, Dashie was here! And that means everything has to be absolutely positively excitihappyful, and that doesn't mean sad. In fact, it means the exact opposite of sad! Pinkie Pie leaves Mrs. Cake behind, along with her bed, her stickers, and most importantly; her memories. She would see them all later tonight, but not right now.
Now was the time for pretend.
For Dashie's sake.
