Le Vol Qualifié

by Afro Pony

Rating: teen
Tags: Fleur de Lis, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Featherweight, Romance, Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Sex
Length: 4683

Exactly what Canterlot business was Spike doing during 'Look Before You Sleep'? Why pulling off a heist of course.

CO-AUTHORS: All of the Above and Flint Sparks

Spike has a secret, he used to be a bank robber. And if you asked his opinion about it, he'd say he was a damn well good one.

However when the number one assistant lifestyle isn't cutting it for him, Spike makes a decision to pull off one more job. However with his old team scrambled and his thief skills rusty, the dragon has a lot of work to do.

Published 2013-08-02 20:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-28 17:55:08 UTC

Prolouge

Prolouge

 The chances of succeeding? Low.

Risk? Unfathomably high.

Payoff? More than any other job he has, or will ever do.

These were the facts that Spike faced as he debated a decision that would change his life forever. You see, Spike was a thief. And if he was asked his opinion, he was a damn good one.

The dragon took a long drag of his cigar. His emerald eyes stared at the evening sun.

He had always been this way, it was a secret that if all went well, he would take to his grave. Even when he could barely produce a flame, Spike would pick the pockets of Canterlot Elite. When he and Twilight moved into Celestia's private School for Gifted Unicorns, the drake would hone his skills by stealing silverware from out of the kitchen. A member of the cleaning staff once caught him and threatened to snitch. Spike planted some jewelry he had stole from Celestia on him, the stallion was fired on the spot. Some might say that was cruel, to him it was just necessary. Being a kleptomaniac had taught him how to swallow his morals. Not that he was heartless of course, he just did what he had to do to get the job done.

Spike took another drag, he leaned his head against the tiles of the roof.

Twilight could never find out, it would absolutely break the Unicorn's heart if she knew his secret. Spike instead decided to make Twilight think that he was a naive baby dragon, to give her the illusion of a parental figure. But if there was anypony that Spike truly cared about, it was her. She was always kind and loving towards the dragon.

"SPIKE! I thought told you to stop smoking on the roof!”

She could also be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

Spike sighed, he tossed his cigar in the air before swallowing it with a single gulp. He rose to his feet and re-entered the the tree house through the attic. Twilight was waiting for him, giving her signature ‘I-am-upset-so-you-better-start-kissing-my-flank-to-make-up-for-it’ look.

The drake rolled his eyes, “Twilight, I still don’t understand why I’m not allowed to smoke,” he complained. “I am a dragon after all.”

Twilight looked unimpressed by his perfectly logical point, “I don’t care Spike,” she complained. “Smoking is a disgusting habit. Did you know more ponies die from lung cancer each year than from all the casualties of the Discord-Celestia War?! I mean seriously, of all the blah blah blah...”

It was at this moment, that Spike briefly considered committing suicide to get out of Twilight’s lecture. Alas there were no sharp objects around, and jumping out of the window would sprain his ankle at the most. No, the dragon would have to endure the agony of the Unicorn’s nagging to its full extent.

“And lastly, because I SAID SO,” finished Twilight.

Spike hated when she said that. ‘Because I said so!’ What was her word to him? The AUDACITY she had to think her rules meant anything to Spike.

The drake gave a hearty chuckle.

“Um, excuse me! What part of this is funny to you?” asked Twilight.

Spike looked the unicorn in her eyes, “The part where you think I give a shit,” he answered calmly.

Twilight gasped, “S-Spike! How dare you speak to me li-TWACK!”

Spike delivered an expertly placed backhand to Twilight’s left cheek. "Ya know what Twilight?” he asked menacingly. “From now on, we’re going to do things my way.”

Twilight gulped, “Y-Yes Spi-TWACK!”

“From now on, you’ll address me as master,” he said with a sinister smile.

Twilight nodded quickly, “Yes Master,” she answered obediently. “How may I serve you master?” she asked.

Spike’s grin widened as he leaned in closer towards Twilight, “Oh, you know EXACTLY  what I want.” he said.

Twilight nodded and turned around so her plot was facing Spike. She lifted up her tail, revealing her soaked-

“Spike! Are you listening to me?” asked the unicorn.

Spike shook his head back to reality. He’s been having these moments recently when he has weird sex daydreams. Usually he didn’t mind them, but he knew they were becoming troublesome when he had one while helping Granny Smith clean her kitchen.

Needless to say he could never look at leather the same way again.

"SPIKE!"  Twilight yelled.

"Gah!  Sorry, I'm just not thinking straight." he apologized.

Twilight sighed, “It’s okay Spike, I guess I’m just stressed about preparing for the storm,” she explained. The Weather Control Team were creating a hurricane that would hit in 4 days. Spike wasn’t sure why they would make such a powerful storm, but when he questioned Rainbow Dash, she gave a very vague “Don’t worry, we got this.” as a response.

Spike grimaced as he felt the cigar pass through his esophagus. When the time came for release, it was going to be a nasty one. Especially since everypony already thought his delivery system was disgusting anyway.

It also probably didn’t help when he showed that documentary.

“Don’t worry Twilight, I’m sure Rainbow Dash has it handled,” he reassured his guardian. Spike’s attempt had no effect as she began to obsess over the coming storm. As adorable as her obsession with perfection could get, it was rather annoying to deal with on a day by day basis. Spike’s mind wandered as Twilight continued her rant. He sighed, she wasn’t the only one who had been stressed recently. Ever since he had discovered that pamphlet, Spike’s life seemed to have been getting duller.

The drake looked towards a stack of random papers where he had hidden his tormentor. He quickly made his way towards it.

Spike stretched his arms as he faked a yawn. “Man, I’m tired. Twilight, I’m going to get some shut-eye.” he lied. After slipping the pamphlet into his scale pocket the young dragon proceeded to head upstairs to Twilight’s disappointment.

“By the way,” started Spike at the base of the steps. “You didn’t forget to stock up on emergency quills, did you?” he asked with a sly grin.

Twilight’s eyes sprang open in realization. “Oh my gosh, you’re right! How can I forget about the quills?!” she asked. She galloped towards her saddlebag. "I'll be back!" she yelled, her face red and flustered.

Spike laughed as he jumped onto his bed.

As he lie there, he listened for a sign. Twilight paced downstairs, as usual, before eventually leaving the library.

This was his chance. Spike jumped up and approached the balcony, carefully climbing to the top of the tree house again.

He carefully walked on the roof, glancing in both directions to make sure he was alone. He didn’t want anypony to lay eyes on, or worse snatch his booty.

His claws carefully grasped a single tile and lifted it up, revealing a few gems. Spike sighed. It seemed everyday his hoard was shrinking. For a thief like him, it was rather pathetic.

He took a medium-sized piece and threw it in his mouth.  He savored the flavor, which he didn't often do.  Chewing slowly allowed him to think a little better. He was rather low on bits lately, so buying gems was out of the question. Unfortunately there wasn’t anypony he could steal from in Ponyville either. Too much risk was involved, plus he was rather fond of the town.

The only pony who actively sought out and collected gems was Rarity, but Spike would never steal from her. She was too close to him.

His mind wandered to the coming storm. Tomorrow would be the final day.  He had to decide by then, or it would be too late. It was quite an enticing offer, one that he would have to act fast on. The window of opportunity would soon close, but taking the chance would require much effort, luck, and skill. Not to mention the consequences would be severe.

Spike swallowed his last gem and flashed a smile. It was decided then.

One more heist, all or nothing.

Getting The Gang Back Together (Part 1)

Spike lay motionless on his bed, his mind not allowing him to sleep. All throughout the night the dragon was going through plans in his head. How would he do this? Or when would he do that? Spike’s brain worked on formulating the perfect strategy.

Spike finally rose an hour before sunrise. He grabbed a suitcase under his bed, making sure to only pack the essentials.

Suit? Check. Money? Check. Rare collection of Playcolts? Check. Just one more thing he needed to do before he left.

Spike grabbed a quill and scroll from his nightstand drawer. He began to write, ending it off with the perfect signature forgery.

My Faithful Student Twilight,

I am requesting Spike to come before me to discuss some non-suspicious, non-specific, Canterlot business for an indefinite amount of time.

Your Incredibly Real Teacher,

Princess Celestia

Spike smiled as he read over his handy work, sometimes he even impressed himself.

He folded the scroll and neatly placed on his pillow. Now that he had an alibi, it was time to put his plan to action.

He quickly went down the stairs and out of the treehouse. He reached into his scale pocket and pulled out the checklist he had made the night before.

“Item 1 of plan, Codename: Steal Some Shit...” he read. The dragon’s eye widened, this was going to be harder than he thought.

“I wonder where old Saduj holds up nowadays?”

                                                                                  *****

The saloon’s door creaked as the changeling entered. He kept his head down, his Stetson covering his dark blue eyes.

 The stallion....uh...male changeling thing, made his way to bar. He took a seat, grunting at the barkeep to get his attention.

 “What can I getcha’?” asked the barkeep.

“I’ll take a bottle of liquified love.”

The barkeep shuffled about his products. “All I got’s is Diet Love.” he said.

The changeling sighed in annoyance. “I’ll just take a water then.”

The barkeep nodded and left to get the beverage. Three stallions suddenly approached the bar.

“Hey you!” yelled one at the changeling. “We don’t like yer kind in these here parts.”

“Yeah! Go back to your own homeland!” yelled the other.

“Durka Durr!” threatened the third.

The changeling male thing (we’re just gonna call him a drone), rose from his seat menacingly.

“You three are making me angry,” he warned. “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

The first stallion drew closer, his breath smelling like a mixture between a brewery and eight day old putrid shit.

“You think that just ‘cause we a bunch of dumbass rednecks we won’t won’t skin yer hide?” he asked. “Cause we’ll have ya cryin home to yer moth-”

The redneck’s insult was cut short as the drone delivered a mean hoof punch to his face, knocking him out cold.

Before the second redneck had time to react, the drone grabbed his glass of water and broke it over his head.

The third was prepared. He grabbed the changeling and threw him to the ground. The stallion delivered a flurry of kicks to his stomach. Just as the stallion prepared to kick again, the drone swiped his hoof away and kicked the stallion in the balls.

“Durka Durr!” he cried in agony. He collapsed to the ground, unconscious from the pain.

The changeling rose from the floor and wiped the dust from him. He took a seat back at the bar and was soon joined by a small hooded figure.

The changeling smiled. “And what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, Spike?” he asked.

The dragon in question removed his hood and gave a smile of his own.

“What? I can’t just come to say ‘hi’?” he asked. “Frankly, I’m insulted.”

The changeling rolled his eyes (which was hard to tell because they were a solid color).

“Well if you’re here for anything else, the answer is no.” he said, taking a sip of water. “I’m trying to live a straight life.”

Spike laughed, “We both know thieves like us can’t live a straight life."

"Well we can try." responded the drone. “You either end up dead or in prison in our line of work.”

Spike produced a long cigar from his scale pocket. He popped it in his mouth before lighting it with his breath.

“Beats getting into bar brawls with drunken rednecks,” Spike commented. “So whaddya say Saduj?”

The changeling rose from his seat. “No.” he answered plainly. He started out of the bar, only to be stopped by a claw on one of his hind legs.

“Please...” begged Spike. “I can’t do this without you.”

The drone pulled away from Spike’s grip. “Get off me!” he snapped sternly. “Listen, nothing is going to make me wanna join back up with you.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “What about 100 billion` bits cash?” he asked.

Saduj stopped dead in his tracks. “Did you just say 100 billion bits!?” he asked in disbelief. “What the hell are you planning to steal?”

Spike looked around cautiously. “We can’t talk now, but I need to know if you’re in or out.”

Saduj tapped the floor with his decayed hoof, deep in thought. As much ‘fun’ as living a straight life could be, a billion bits alone would be enough to pay off any trouble coming his way. A hundred billion was enough to live like royalty. He could buy his own island and love fountain, maybe even buy his own concubines...

Spike snapped his claws under the drooling changeling, bringing him back to reality. Saduj shook his head and cleared his throat with a deep cough.

“I-I think we can come to an agreement,” he stammered. “But I doubt we’re going to be able to pull a heist by ourselves.”

Spike smiled devilishly. “Well...I’ve been thinking we can get the old gang back together,” he said.

Saduj raised an eyebrow. “Don’t think that’ll work pal,” he said. “The last time I’ve heard from the crew, they were either dead or in jail.”

Spike thought for a moment, mentally crossing out names on his list. His eyes widened in a realization. “Ted’s not dead.”

Saduj almost choked on air. “T-T-Ted!?” he asked in shock. “I heard the ponies in white locked him up last year.”

“He apparently was released a month ago,” Spike said, reaching into his pocket and handing Saduj a piece of paper. “This is the address of his new place.”

Saduj looked over the paper and gave an unsure look. “I don’t know Spike, Ted never was really...’all there’ if you catch my drift,” he said. “Are you sure it’s the best idea to recruit him?”

Spike smiled. “Oh come on! What’s the worst that could happen?”

                                                                                        *****

The two arrived at a small cottage on the outskirts of Fillydelphia. The house was a small 2 floor building, brightly painted red and green. The front of the house sported a beautiful garden and Spike thought he saw a deer run out from the back. It looked like a 5 year old filly’s wet dream.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” asked Saduj, just as confused as Spike was.

Spike looked at the address again. “This is the right place....” he said, trailing off. “But it doesn’t really seem like a place Ted would live in.”

"Ted's personality changes quite a lot.  Don't you remember?"

"What makes you think I want to remember something like that?"  Saduj shrugged his shoulders at the question.  "Let's just get this over with."

The two walked onto the front-steps of the abode, and knocked on the green door.

"Just a moment!"  The voice coming from the door was a very sing-song, ladylike voice.

"Is anypony ho-"  Spike almost finished the sentence, but the door swung open to reveal Ted.

"OH, visitors! I just LOVE visitors!"  Ted gave the two of them a big hug, then ran back into the house. "Come in come in! I just finished a batch of cookies!"

"Eeyup, Ted is still insane,"  Saduj quietly pointed out.

"What gave that away?" asked Spike sarcastically. The partners walked inside the home, ignoring the wet sensations on their backs. Did Ted just lick them?

Upon entering the house, they were greeted by a terrible stench. Not only that, the house was a mess! Broken glass littered the ground, along with bits and pieces of feathers and fur.  Spike thought that it was just from some pillow or something, but he took a better look around. Dead animal carcusses were scattered about, posed in humorous ways. There was the body of a raccoon high fiving the body of a mocking bird, a cat doing the worm, and even a mouse dry humping a dead pig.

"Come into the kitchen, we have two more guests with us as well!"  Ted yelled.

Spike and Saduj walked into the kitchen to see a gruesome sight.  Two skeletons sitting in some old chairs. Neither Spike nor Saduj had the courage to ask if they were real.

"Those two decided to fall asleep just now. They are incredibly rude!" Ted shouted. He smacked one of them, knocking its skull off its body.

Saduj nervously cleared his throat. “Umm...Ted?” he asked. “W-Who are these two?”

"They are the neighbors.  They were here for dinner, but they went and fell asleep on me."  Ted eyed the one without its skull.  "Tsk tsk tsk."

A loud beeping noise erupted in the room.

"OH, my salads!" exclaimed Ted. He made his way over to the oven, black smoke pouring out of the sides. Whatever the heck was in there sure wasn’t a salad.

Spike put a claw to his head, desperately trying to keep a hold onto his sanity. “Listen Ted, we’re getting the gang back together.” he said. “Saduj and I came here to recruit you for one last job.”

“One last job!?” asked Ted, suddenly appearing directly behind Spike despite being across the room an instant ago. “I don’t know...”

Spike attempted to calm himself from the mini heart attack Ted gave him. “You’ve got to do it! You’re the best demolition man ever!” he pleaded.

Ted put a hoof to his chin in thought. “I don’t know Spike, I have a completely different life now.” he said, gesturing towards the skeletons. As if on cue, one of them disintegrated into nothing but dust.

"AND NOW HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO LEAVE WITHOUT EVEN SAYING GOODBYE!? I AM GOING TO WRITE HIM A VERY ANGRY LETTER!"

Ted was now stomping about, muttering obscenities. His blatant conversations with himself worried Spike to no end.

Seeing how this was going nowhere fast, Saduj stepped forwards. “Don’t worry Spike I got this.” he told the disgruntled dragon.

He pulled out a small cardboard box. “Are you sure Ted?” asked the changeling. “Would you do it for a...Theodore Snack?” He pulled out a bone shaped biscuit and began to wave it around.

Instantly, Ted snapped out of his rambling. He sat on his haunches and began to pant like a dog.

Saduj smiled, he tossed the biscuit in the air. With amazing speed, Ted leaped and grasped the biscuit in his mouth. He landed softly and began to greedily devour the treat. After he was done, he looked up at Saduj for another.

“No-no,” scolded Saduj. “You can only get more if you promise to join our crew.”

Ted rose to all fours. “Well why didn’t you say so!?” he asked. He dashed out of the kitchen and into another room, returning an instant later with a fully packed suitcase. “Come on! What are you guys waiting for?! We’ll take my car!”

“Y-Your car? You don’t mean-”

“TO THE TEDMOBILE!”

Before any of them had a chance to react, Spike and Saduj found themselves in the back of a beat-up old brown van. The inside of the vehicle smelled like rotten milk and the once smooth leather seatings were now old and withered. Ted sat in the driver’s seat with the key in the ignition. He excitedly slammed on the gas, propelling the lemon forward at warp speed.

“SO! Where we going, scales?” asked Ted, not even paying attention to the road.

Spike shook off the road sickness he was getting from Ted’s erratic driving. “T-To Canterlot!” he choked out.

                                                                                      *******

The trio arrived a few hours later at the city outskirts, attempting to avoid detection. Finding a nice bush to dump the rusty van in, they crept away before any guards investigated the loud noise. The rust would blend in with the foliage, after all. After much coaxing, Spike convinced Saduj to take the form of his caretaker, a certain Twilight Sparkle. As famous as she’s become since discovering the Elements of Harmony, she was still anti-social when it came to Canterlot. Even with her new friends in Ponyville, nopony really talked to her back home. And that’s the way Spike liked it.

“I feel very uncomfortable right now,” Saduj whispered, forcing a wide smile as the trio walked inside Canterlot. From an outsider’s perspective, it looked like Twilight Sparkle was giving a tour to her baby dragon and his friend. Spike merely whispered how pretty she was and gave a quick smack to the flank when nopony was looking. Saduj nearly retaliated, when somepony came by to greet her. Just some random pony who was a fan, but Saduj felt strange having to shake hooves and make small talk.

Spike, having had his fun with Saduj, scanned the nearby crowd for any familiar ponies. This proved to be daunting, considering everypony looked pretty much the same. Spike never understood pony diversity. Dragons came in different shapes and sizes, but all ponies had were colors. Except Canterlot. Nearly every single pony was some shade of white or blue, and wearing snobbish clothes and monocles.

“Where would he be, where would he be?” Spike muttered to himself, scratching his chin as he did so. The stallion he was looking for was a betting pony, but there weren’t any flight shows that day. Which could only mean…

“The dirt races!” Spike snapped his fingers. His outburst startled Saduj, who jumped into the arms of the stallion he was currently talking to. The stallion blushed and leaned forward, puckering his lips. Ted whipped out a camera and prepared to take a picture, but Spike swooped in and pulled ‘Twilight’ out of the stallion’s grasp, faking an apology. The stallion held out a wistful hoof, solemn at losing the chance of sharing a smooch with Canterlot’s finest.

Saduj was less than please as Spike practically dragged him toward a large stadium. Hir irritation festered until (s)he wrestled hir hoof out of his grasp. “What the hell! What was that about?”

Spike sighed. “Saduj, that was an accident. Besides, it’s not like the stallions can help it. Right now, you’re sexy as hell.”

Saduj reared back. “What?! I’m-she’s your mom!” (S)he stifled the rising bile in hir throat, resisting the urge to empty the love juices in his stomach. Ted shrugged, his previous relationship with a certain princess prevented him from involving himself in lovers’ disputes.

“So?” Spike shrugged. “I’m adopted. No blood, so it’s perfectly legal.”

“That doesn’t keep it from being… wrong!”

“Mate, I’m a dragon. I don’t have a lot of choices. Besides, there’s always somepony better, sweetcheeks.. Now come on,” Spike ordered as he continued dragging Saduj toward the stadium. “I’m too young to gamble, so you’re going to have to buy my ticket.” Saduj flicked his ears in confusion, wondering why the hell Spike was gambling today of all days. The two entered, Ted not too far behind, and looked around the entrance hall. Saduj reluctantly bought a couple tickets, buying them entry to the Earth Pony Races.

The stadium was packed, making it hard to find proper seating. The trio gave up and decided to split up, agreeing to meet up after Spike finished business. The baby dragon shifted through the crowd, looking for a particular stallion.

There he was, in the highest seat surrounded by mares. As usual. Spike shifted his way through crowded ponies, earning a few complaints and glares from the stuck-up elite. One mare demanded an apology and Spike rebutted with a one-finger salute, forcing the mare to stick up her nose to save face. Stupid nobles.

“Excuse me, who are you?” A mare blocked his progress just before the goal. Spike sighed. Another obstacle. He quickly sized her up: white bleached coat, daisy yellow mane, meek and slim figure. Easy pickings. He formed a fist with one claw and decked her, knocking her out cold. The other mares surrounding the stallions stood up, ready to defend their prize, but the stallion waved them off. He nodded at the ladies and beckoned to Spike to come forward.

“Spike, baby! How’s my favorite baby dragon?” Fancy Pants greeted as Spike waddled forward and plopped his behind on the seat next to the influential stallion. “Anything I can do for you?”

“Yeah,” Spike started. “I’m calling in a favor.”

His declaration caused Fancy to raise an eyebrow. “Interesting. I don’t mind pulling a few strings for my old partner, but for you to ask for a favor means something is amiss.” Fancy sighed and leaned back, gazing at the galloping ponies racing. “As much as I’d like to, I can’t. I’m sorry, but I’m just too old, Spike. The good old days were nice, when I was teaching you all my tips and tricks. But now I’m just a one-trick pony who’s only remaining gift is my silver-tongue. I don’t know what you’re pulling, but I can’t have any of it. However-” Fancy paused for a moment, thinking. “-I’ll do whatever I can for you. Fire away, old friend.”

Spike reached an arm up and patted Fancy on the back. “Thanks pal, I never would have made it this far without you. I know you’re retired, but I didn’t come for you. I have a more… personal request.”

Fancy Pants eyed Spike, an amused grin creeping onto his face. “You don’t mean..?”

“Damn straight I do.”

“Very well. Here’s the key.” Fancy reached into his jacket and pulled out his golden house key and handed it to Spike. With a wink he said, “Careful now, she can get quite feisty. She’s been expecting me all day, you understand?”

Spike merely grinned back. “I think I can handle her.”

A white and pink mare with the body of a goddess lied on a large heart-shaped bed, half covered in sheets, rolled over and eyed the clock. A small exhale escaped her lips. Late again, and probably still gambling. She rolled back and stared at the ceiling, the chandelier mocking her as she lay in estrus. She ached for Fancy’s company, or any stallion for that matter.

“Oh Fancy, where are you? My body is ready, and it aches for you. Fleur wants her dinner…”

The massive door leading to the bedroom creaked open as footsteps were heard. Fleur rolled to her side and placed a seductive hoof on her flank, slowly tracing her cutie mark.

Her hoof froze. That wasn’t Fancy.

“Spikey-wikey?”

“Why, hello love. Why settle with dinner when you can have dessert?” Spike inquired as his purple bathrobe dropped into a crumpled heap under his naked body..