Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen

by KiltedKey

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Comedy, Rarity, Profanity, Random, Sex, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6
Length: 94241

What happens when you Seth Rogen the Mane Six, give them alcohol, weed, make them randy, and love struck? Have Rainbow wanting a lover, Twilight to lose her virginity, Rarity plan the personal lives of everyone, and nearly no moral compass? This.

The erogenous 3rd edition. It's 30 percent longer, 300 percent better edited, 3000 percent more ethically dubious, and still narrated by Steven Fry.

It's that special time of the month again for the Elements of Harmony; the time when they get together for a Truth or Dare game of a more questionably pure nature. From long kept secrets, to reflecting on parties they can barely remember, their three years of friendship have changed them. For better or worse, they were still deciding on that.

This game will be different. Most likely for the worse, but that's what drinking before the sun sets can do. Or maybe them being hornier than usual. Or secretly planning each others sex lives. Or falling in love with each other. Or all four. Most likely all four.

Twilight wants to go out on her first date, but will alcohol and the raunchy advice of her friends help? Rainbow badly wishes to sedate her loins, or maybe she's looking for something more? What exactly, is Rarity planning for this night? Should they really add weed to the equation?

The Elements all have desires they haven't quite realized they have had, and a day long exchange of sex jokes and tension might lead to events that are out of their control. It was in their control once.

Our innocent little ponies seem to have sucked in too much Seth Rogen, but that's okay.

Right?...

It's Archer with ponies.

Published 2013-07-16 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-06 02:50:49 UTC

Chapter One: Caffeinated Carnal Cravings

Chapter One: Caffeine And Cravings

Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: everything was going to be fine.

Or more accurately, everything should be fine, depending on the variables of Rainbow, Pinkie, and well... all of her friends, including herself. One could never have enough contingency plans when alcohol was involved. Plans always fell apart when they came in contact with the enemy, and in the chaos, one had to improvise.

Sadly, improvising and ethanol happened to be mortal enemies. It was a duel to the death that was oh so fun to partake in. Should I be concerned that my friends convinced me to start drinking? she thought. Well, at least it's not cocaine! It was a slippery slope argument that she'd have to debate at a future time.

Twilight had never drank before she came to Ponyville, much like many of the pleasures in life she had only learned in the last few years. Many of them were of a more innocent nature. Picnics, joking around with her friends about their work weeks, the silliness of Pinkie Pie, what stupidity Rainbow Dash had trotted into, and inadvertently turning a normal day into a world saving adventure. Despite her more naive self that was fading into the past, screaming of a childhood innocence ruined, sometimes it didn’t hurt to explore things. Besides, she had grown up quite a bit thanks to her fillyfriends, in the ways she needed the most. She had also become used to the insanity and ever increasing amounts of immaturity that occurred around her.

It was a fair trade. Baring any migraines that said stupidity often induced. Stupidity and Twilight Sparkle were also mortal enemies. It would be the war that would kill her in the end.

The twilight colored unicorn brushed through her nearly twilight colored mane with her kind of twilight colored brush, humming a fast paced metal ballad that would have surely made her friend Rainbow Dash whinny in glee. She wasn't an avid fan of the rampant power metal Rainbow Dash called music, but sometimes it just encapsulated the mood of the day. As it stood, this Sunday deserved her optimism. And pessimism. It was a good thing she could lock the later away.

Sunday was the day off - minus any critical research that needed to be done in case a discovery was lost forever - for her, and the day she planned an open schedule with her friends, no matter what. The importance of this Sunday however, was that once a month, something very special happened; it was the day that Twilight Sparkle and her girlfriends cut loose, and simply enjoyed being young adults with the help of a very potent, and very mythical chemical. Sometimes, being tipsy made all the problems in the world melt away. At least until the morning.

She kept the library open late for ponies who sought to snag some books during their off time, and Spike didn’t mind it much having to cover for her on these special days. I pay him extra for it, she thought to herself, trotting down to the kitchen. Triple chocolate ice cream reallyisn’t that expensive of a bribe, so it’s not like he’s suffering or anything!

She paused for a moment as she finished the final step. So here I am, concerned about his eating habits, and I’m bribing him with ice cream for my own free time. He knows I need it too, but I could at least give him something else! Why did I immediately go with the ice cream last year when this deal started? How can I be a good big sister to him if I don’t stick up to my own standards!

Her lungs inhaled and exhaled in the manner Cadance had taught her. I need some tea, she concluded. It’s just once a month, and I’m excited and frantic because I’m suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Everything is going to be fine.

Caffeine was indeed the solution. The moment she poured her thick drought of chai into her thermos and took a deep, hot sip, was when her mind relaxed just from the placebo effect. The simple ritual of making the substance was a way to calm her thoughts and, for once, not process information to the point of exhaustion.

When she thought about it, maybe the rice puffs she snacked on during her study hours also helped make her days more bearable. The cheddar powdered ones, of course, as the normal ones were disgustingly bland. It’s not like they were awful for her or anything.

And maybe the baked sour cream and onion chips helped too. They were better than the processed garbage, so it wasn’t like she should feel guilty or anything. Low in fat as well.

And maybe the mini chocolate chip cookies Pinkie made that she didn't even bother to chew; she simply let them melt on her tongue, feeling the bread disintegrate around her mouth, the chocolate ooze over her lips, and the taste tickle her throat. Okay, those weren't great for her, but Pinkie used some high quality sugar, and it wasn't like she ate the whole snout sized bag in one sitting. Usually. Maybe sometimes over a night of critical studying that resulted in her sleeping all through the morning and afternoon, she might, but those moments were few and far between. Usually.

And maybe it was the brown sugar cinnamon rolls Pinkie made that were covered in maple syrup and roasted pecans. Those definitely helped with a long night of studying. With Twilight’s magic, she could peel them apart perfectly along the grooves, seeing the glittering crystals of melted sugar and glazed cinnamon merging together in a manner that made her shiver when she thought about it. How the pecans crunched and that maple syrup-

This,could be why I’m over two hundred for the first time in my life, she mentally groaned.I was once one eighty seven before I came here, and *now** I’m around two o’ two! I’m too young to have a midlife weight gain! But at least it’s a very solid number. But it’s too* highof a number! My BMI simply isn’t meant to be this, although that isn’t always a reliable source of information either. What do I do? I-

“Damn it,” she cursed, despite her best intentions not too. Gods and demons barely phased her anymore, but the thought of being above average in weight simply was not an acceptable outcome. Her horn flared sharply around the thermos, contemplating the tickling urge to crush the metal into a ball and throw it through her fridge for the sake of destructive delight. “Caffeine withdrawal," she said steadily to herself. "You’re supposed to curb hunger, not make me all jittery and want to binge eat.”

Except... that’s what caffeine can do, her logical mind replied. It *is** a hunger suppressant, but the nervousness could inadvertently lead toward food cravings, and you haven't exactly been known for stress control under non-world ending events.*

“I didn’t ask for your clarification right now!” she shouted to herself, stomping a forehoof onto the floor of her kitchen. "If I wanted to psychoanalyze myself I'd ask for your help! Stay out of this."

So you're asking us to stop being us? Think about that. It's logically-

Don't make me go Rainbow Dash on you, Twilight replied to her inner voice, because I will, and neitherof us will like it.

It will only give you a headache, lose brain cells, and-

"Twilight, are you... talking to yourself again in the manner you do?" Rarity sang wistfully. It was best she assumed her friend's insanity was relatively mild. For her own sake.

Twilight jumped at the voice calling from behind her front door. She swore mentally in Neightin, very much unlike the classical Neightin she was formally taught. Since Celestia was only one of a few living entities who still remembered the language, and she was considered a near expert in the subject. Ponies just didn't know Neightin was a horribly dirty language if used that way. Celestia would be amused at how much Twilight Sparkle really knew.

"Because while I talk to myself too, dear," Rarity continued, "and I certainly am a dramatic filly and all, we all know what happens when you start talking to yourself. Please be a dear and open the door and relax. All you need is a loving hug from your sweet friend."

Twilight mumbled to herself. Why can't all my friends arrange themselves reasonably to work around my schedule? she thought.

Today is the day you don't plan anything, remember? her brain said.

"I thought I told you to be quiet!" she hissed.

Her mind continued without her consent. OCD as always, Twilight. Three years should of taught you by now Ponyville doesn't operate like the rest of Equestria. Besides, you have more important things to worry about. Like Rarity.

"-a therapist, sweetie. Now I'm a patient mare and do ramble from time to time, but I don't want to treat you like I'm some sort of hostage negotiator." Rarity hesitated at the lack of a reply. "You are... alright? Aren't you, Twilight?"

"Yes," Twilight sighed. "I'm just... never mind, it's complicated. No, it isn't really, I-you know what, Rarity, I could use your help. Big time."

The library door slowly opened to let in the humming, blue eyed mare. She announced her presence with every trot of her hooves on the wooden floor. "You know very well I don't want to see your sanity slip, Twilight." Rarity leaned forward to give her friend a soft hug, pecking her on the cheek with her lips. "Now come come; tell me, what has you arguing with yourself?" She hung her forehooves over the kitchen counter to smile at Twilight, flicking her twirled tail behind herself in interest. "You should save that energy for tomorrow morning; there is no time to regret today yet!"

"Am I fat, Rarity?" Twilight asked, sipping her tea.

The comment caught Rarity off guard, stopping her face in mid expression. If there was any question a close friend could ask that Rarity never wanted to have to give an honest reply to, that would be considered high on her list. She looked around for several seconds, as if the bookshelves or the library itself were staring at her. She turned her snout gently to the side at the question. "Are you... fat?"

Twilight took another thick gulp of her chai to the blinking amusement of Rarity. "Am I fat?" she said more sternly. "You should know all about this."

The faintest of scowls began to cross Rarity's snout. "I beg your pardon, Twilight?" Barely repressed anger tickled her vocal chords. "Do tell me that drink isn't spiked. If it is, we need to have a talk. A firm one. Not even Applejack or Rainbow Dash start this early on the weekends. Often. One must accept their friends and all their weaknesses."

"I didn't touch her tea, so don't blame me." Spike yawned lazily, scratching his back as he trotted down the stairs. "If there's one thing I don't get about you ponies, it's your tea and coffee. Yuck. Rather have a salad any day."

"No, this has nothing to do with alcohol or you, Spike," Twilight replied to the calm smile of Rarity in relief. "It's what keeps us from turning into zombies, but that's beside the point."

Spike stopped at the last step, the panic that was spreading over his face only half hidden, as was Twilight's own slightly dark smile. "Y-y-you're joking right? I thought it just woke you up! Is that-"

Maybe I should spike my drinks with caffeine pills like Rainbow does with her energy drinks. Tolerance build up? I'll show you, she chuckled mentally. "It's an analogy," she said, letting Spike exhale his pent up fear. "I mean my plot, Rarity." Her muzzle turned toward Rarity. "Am I fat and you aren't telling me?" Twilight leaned forward, letting her muzzle hover inches from the pearl mare's. "Rarity," she said gently, "you know that I'm not going to get mad at you if you tell me I need to do something about myself. I just... need someone who judges bodies in a critical way."

Spike walked toward the kitchen, peeking over to look between the flanks of the two unicorns. "WellI can do my best, Twilight, and you always know that I'm here to help you in any way I can."

"Thanks, Spike. I can always count on you for an objective analysis and I can combine that with Rarity's thoughts." Twilight could feel her confident calmness return to her spirit. "Alright," she said, standing up straight, "tell me how I compare to Rarity! Just... realize I'm not beautiful as her."

"Oh, Twilight, you have to stop thinking so lowly of your physique," Rarity said. "Besides Spike isn't-"

"Rarity's just curves like the most amazing diamonds ever," he swooned. "It's-"

"-oh isn't he adorable!" Rarity squealed, tugging over Spike to scratch him behind the ears. "He's growing up so fast!"

Twilight deflated quickly. So much for objective help. *Thank** you, Spike. This is what happens when I slowly get you into my kind of humor, and pervert it with your own.* "You know he's... never mind."

"Never mind what?" Spike shivered happily, the forehoof dragging down his snout forcing out a rumble of pleasure from his throat. He nuzzled into it as if he was a scaled cat, and clearly seemed content to milk every second of it.

"Oh he's just growing up and young!" Rarity nickered. "Besides, you don't think I am not used to that, Twilight? Spikey Whikey is just developing excellent tastes in beauty. How can I not be happy for that?" Rarity was more than content to keep on petting Spike, only adding insult to injury.

"My hind legs, Rarity," Twilight growled.

Rarity coughed politely, pulling her forehoof away from his muzzle. "But of course, Twilight!" She hummed to herself as she slowly trotted around her friend's frame, gently stroking a forehoof through her friend's coat to feel the skin and muscles underneath. She pinched Twilight several times, causing a wince to twitch over the librarian's muzzle. "I see. Hmm... interesting."

"Is it that bad!?" Twilight was doing everything she could not to trot in place. Her crunched up face carried the dismay for her. "Oh please, Rarity, this isn't funny! I'm serious! Please... am I hideous? Is my mane and tail the only thing I have left that's attractive?"

Rarity stepped away from the lavender mare with a stroke of her chin. "Twilight dear..."

"Yes?" she croaked.

"You've gained a bit of a stomach-but you've always had a curve there. Your neck is fine, but your sides have gained a bit of smoothness. As for your hind quarters dear..."

"Just say it like Applejack would!"

Rarity bit her bottom lip. "Well then, your pear is certainly full this year, but it is a full pear of the finest... vintage. You see what happens when-"

Tears welled up in the corners of Twilight's eyes, adding a gleaming edge to the amethyst orbs. "I'm... fat. And nopony told me? I thought you all..." She collapsed onto her flank with a trundling whimper escaping from her muzzle. Her worst fears were confirmed, other than perhaps the theory of relativity or quantum magic being demonstrated to be false.

"Dear, no no! Oh damn it, come here you lovely lavender lady you." Rarity cooed, tugging her friend over with a thrum of magic. She caressed Twilight's mane with a forehoof affectionately, hushing her friend with quiet, motherly sounds trundling out of her muzzle. "Oh to hay with it. You have gained weight, but it fits you well," she said sweetly. "You are... 'pleasantly plump' as Pinkie might say!"

"That doesn't make me feel any better!" Twilight cried.

Spike gently pat Twilight's cutie mark, twirling a talon through the flesh. "It is kind of soft, Twilight. And wow... can I sleep with you? This would make a killer pillow."

Twilight turned her snout swiftly toward Spike's, eyes glowing robotic death. "If you don't want to lick the dust on the floor, Spike-"

Despite slowly grinning from his personal victory of sarcasm, he fell back once Rarity furiously leered at him. "Twilight, you are not fat," Rarity said more firmly, stroking through her friend's mane. "You have a beautifully shaped behind dear, but why are you so concerned all of a sudden? You have always been cute, and you always will be. All you need if you are that concerned is the help of your lovely friends! Don't let any colt or mare say otherwise, because I will tell you right now, if there is a pony who is calling you ugly dear, I am sure I can have something... 'socially arranged' to fix that."

And this is why you need to be less paranoid. Rarity would do anything to show you that you are beautiful, she thought.Although... that she would consider making a pony be socially outcasted for me is slightly... scary. "Well... you know that I prefer it simple when it comes to my visual appearance, but well..." She clopped her forehooves together nervously.

"Yes?" Rarity said, leaning forward to press her forehead against Twilight's.

"I..."

"Yes?"

"Maybe want to go out on a date."

Rarity pulled back her muzzle, blinking in disbelief. "You've never dated? Surely you have in the last three years since you've been here. You aren't the shy, no-friends-for-me Twilight I once knew. My, don't you remember last New Years Eve in Bayston? Surely you..."

Twilight giggled, pulling herself back up to drink once more from her tea. "How can I forgot that? But no, I didn't do anything there that you thought I did. Because, well, I guess I'm nervous about going that far."

"You've become so socially adept though dear," Rarity said, trotting over to sit down on the bottom step of her friend's staircase. "You are a wonderful public speaker, and are one of if not the most interesting pony that I know. Why are you so afraid to date? It could do miracles to your OCD. Or horrible things, but that's why you have us."

Twilight chuckled dryly, closing her eyes to channel forth energy from her horn. With a glowing sphere of raspberry dew around her form, she teleported directly beside her friend, a smile once more on her muzzle. Rarity was perhaps the best pony she knew for prep talks involving physical self esteem. If there was anypony out there who could make a pony feel beautiful, it was her.

And we can't be thankful enough for it, Rarity. "Despite how much I've changed, I've never found the time or confidence to date." She stroked the back of her head shyly. "Younger me would find the concept of even thinking about a date to be repulsive, but isn't that part of what we do at our age?"

"What exactly... did you all do in Bayston, anyways?" Spike asked, shuffling through the frig. "You never told me much."

Both of the mares glanced at each other. Somethings just shouldn't be brought up. "It's a tradition around New Years Eve to... date a pony for a day," Twilight said with a faintly heard chuckle, her tail twitching nervously behind herself. "You get to know them, and spend time with them sharing what you've learned about life throughout the year, and well, period."

"Yes... what Twilight said." Rarity smiled.

Spike huffed quietly to the both of them. "Dating for a day? Sounds like a lame date to me," he mumbled, pouring himself a glass of milk. "That doesn't sound like something everypony should be so excited about. At least you get presents and gifts on Hearth's Warming day."

"You know, Twilight," Rarity continued, "you don't have to just jump into dating." She ignored the comment on time constraints. Twilight was infamous for her time management tendencies, and Rainbow Dash could say them more aptly than anypony else. "In fact, if you would like my personal opinion, and I am sure you do, we need to build up your confidence in a manner to the point you aren't stumbling into a date wondering if you are good enough." Rarity wrapped a forehoof around her friend's shoulder sweetly, leaning into the fellow Element.

"And that would be... how exactly?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you have certainly enjoyed our monthly get togethers," Rarity said. "And you have opened yourself up to the joys of a bit of fine wine."

"I'm not sure I would call drinking 'fine wine'," Twilight said, rolling her eyes in the manner only the grand master of eye rolling could.

"And I think this is a conversation more... fitting in private, as much as I love you, Spike."

With a deep sigh, a huff of smoke escaped from the end of Spike's muzzle. He sat himself up on the kitchen counter, kicking his legs. "Sheesh, why do you all treat me like I'm a kid?"

"You are one," Twilight said with a smirk building up around the corner of her muzzle. Deciding to let out a bit more evilness - and stress - she enveloped the Spike in a whirl of her magic, teleporting him directly in front of her, and content to listen to the gentle cry of protest he made.

Sadistically teasing my younger brother and making his life a bit of Tartarus for my own amusement? She both mentally and physically smiled. I should get that checked out, but at least he doesn't have to go to public school. I couldn't torture him *that** much.*

You know we enjoy it, another part of her brain responded.

I will *never** deny that.*

She leaned done to give Spike a kiss on the forehead, watching Spike sputter and fluster incoherently. "Did you have to do that in front of Rarity!?" he bawked.

"Oh I find it adorable," Rarity hummed. "If you think for one moment that it makes me think lower of you, Spike, you are being quite the silly little dragon."

"But I don't want to be silly! I want to be sexy! Like you!"

Ruby flushed across Rarity's cheeks at the compliment. She opened her mouth to comment, only to be interrupted by Twilight. "And that's why, Spike, this is a private conversation. We're going to talk about that word tomorrow."

"It's not like it's anything compared to what Rainbow or Applejack say all the time. I hear them too you know." Spike mumbled, gulping down a chug of milk with a dismissive wave of his claws. "I just want to be like those colts in the Playmare's you have under your bed. And why do you put them there? They smell funny and are kind of ripped."

"Oh horseapples we have to meet the girls soon don't we, Rarity?" Twilight's face had turned cerise, grabbing a hold of the equally flushed cheeks of Rarity's beside her. "I promise to bring back ice cream for you, Spike-ahh a snake!" With a cracking hum of burning red magic the two unicorns disappeared, leaving a faintly scorched floor behind them.

Spike simply stood there, slowly blinking in confusion. "There's no snake here." He scratched his head in confusion. "And why are you so nervous about those magazines? It's just naked ponies with really good anatomy." He mumbled only to himself once again. "And thanks for the burned-"

"You want me to go to the club and get laid!?"

"I never *said** that I was-"*

"Oh," Spike growled, "so she gets to dance and lay on soft pillows after dancing,and eat food, and she's complaining about it!? It better be good ice cream."

Chapter Two: Rainbow's Randy Resolution

Chapter Two: Morning In Ponyville... Sucks

Today was going to be awesome, according to the wonderfully verbose vocabulary of Rainbow Dash. Like most of the once monthly parties of the Elements, it wasn't something their parents would approve of, but that was half the fun.

Okay, well, other than having to wake up early because there was so much awesome stuff Dash wished to do today. That wasn't fun. It's something I'm gonna have to deal with sometimes, she thought, but it's worth it. Painful, but worth it. Nopony should have to subject themselves to the morning light; a paycheck or a party were the only acceptable answers to rising that early. And to think, Applejack woke up almost always at the crack of dawn, day in, and day out.

Does she even sleep much? Rainbow pondered, pulling herself up from her mattress with a crack echoing from her back. She should know like I do that you need sleep to keep all those muscles going, Then again, she is an earth pony, and they kind of cheat in that way with the whole supercharged organs deal.

Despite her better wishes, it seemed an organ of hers was turbo charged, and not one she was wanting to be. Woah, purge that thought; the *last** thing I need to think about is her muscles. She struggled to halt the thoughts of her friend's powerful and deadly posterior from taking over her mind. The more she tried, the more Applejack’s form stayed in her head. *Please mind, can you get yourself out of the gutter for once?

Her perverted side filled in for her nicely. Nah, because the moment we do that, we'll stop being us.

Thanks a bunch. The last thing I need to think about is the plot on my best friend.

You think about the plot of *everypony** at least once or twice. She's your sister from another mare. It's not illegal or anything. Can't help but enjoy other mares who have amazing bodies, am I right?*

The images in her head weren't getting out anytime soon, until her thoughts drifted toward a more Wonderbolt-inspired direction. Her perverted side liked to take over from time to time. That too, wasn’t helping the oddly crotch specific mood her brain was pulling her toward this morning. Usually, she had a lot more self control. This, was something completely different. It had to be fixed, if only for a few minutes. It was rare for her groin to be taking over her thoughts so overwhelmingly - and that was coming from a moderately randy mare. There was only one proper solution to the problem.

With her hooves trotting quietly on the cloudy floor of her bedroom, she did the best thing she could. With a swing of her head, she thunked her snout into one of the supporting pillars of her house, hard.

The sudden pain of her head hitting a hard object not only purged her mind of less than foal appropriate thoughts, but also woke her up more swiftly than any energy drink ever did, sending up a torrent of stars through her vision. “Oww! Shit!” she cursed, biting her lower lip in pain. Ponies who weren't Pegasi didn’t realize that cloudcrete wasn’t in fact, a soft substance by any means. “Maybe not the best idea I’ve ever come up with. No, way down on the list of best ideas I’ve ever come up with.” And here comes the headache. Great job, RD. Great job.

Shut up other me, this is *your** fault.*

At least it prevented her mind from becoming too coherent to think about more advanced subjects, forcing the pegasus to go on autopilot as she planned her day. Hovering - since walking didn't sound pleasant - to her kitchen down her spiral staircase, she began to blend her morning protein shake. By wing, of course. The thought of blending it with her blender was a battle her headache wasn't going to let her fight.

Sunday, this Sunday, was a borderline sacred day for the six Elements. Today was the day that they would simply enjoy the finer things in life: watching Fluttershy giggle herself silly, Twilight realizing that vulgar language could sum up an argument, Pinkie Pie mellowing out and tell stories - with the help of Rarity of course - that simply weren't keen for younger company, and watching Applejack degrade herself into a sarcastic, snorting, brutally honest wiseass, much like Dash herself a vast majority of the time. But Applejack *is** that most of the time around me and the girls anyways.* She shrugged. AJ was cool most of the time. Today was that once a month kind of Sunday; it was the kind of Sunday the mares enjoyed the benefits of being in their young twenties, dropping all their guards, and relaxing at Twilight’s place for what was certainly, going to be another night of laughs and perhaps... a bit too much alcohol.

What more in life could she ask for than the company of her fillyfriends enjoying nearly three years of friendship, trials and tribulations? Of growth, hardship, lessons learned and battles won? By the time her swirling, chocolate flavored smoothie was ready, she smiled in content peace at the thought. The dull throbbing in her head had nothing to do with her blankness on the subject. As much as she might of denied it on the outside from time to time, her friends meant more to her than pretty much anything. The Wonderbolts, flying, fame; it all paled to the five friends who gave her endless support, who had helped her grow so much, and enjoyed the playful banter she gave to them.

Rainbow took a thick, deep, stout chug of the flavored protein mix, enjoying the moment as many ponies did with their morning coffee. It was a tasty swirl of triple chocolate that melted on her tongue. It was an acquired firmness, but it felt so good.

Well Soarin's plot being directly underneath me wouldn’t feel bad either, firmness or not, she idly pondered. Although Fleetfoot *is** really cute and could almost certainly give me a run for my money*.

Wait. No no no! I told you head to not go in that direction. What iswrongwith you this morning? It was a perfectly valid question. Sure, Rainbow liked - scratch that, loved - a good roll in the hay every once in awhile. Or... more than once in awhile. These morning fantasies were oddly... focused. The athlete was the most ‘active’ of the six, but to be so consumed by this was just... weird.

Was it the length of time since she’d had some that was the problem? Okay, it had been a bit, but to start off the day like this was not normal. This calls for drastic measures. Part... two. It’ll let me focus on later tonight anyways, and wear me down a bit. Besides, I could use it.

Time to work out.

The workout didn't fully work. The irony of that thought only made Rainbow Dash that much more pissed off about it.

It was so simple: blast through the liquid rainbow streams around her house until she collapsed in fatigue. That was the easy part. Clean up, slam down more protein and a Mooster energy drink, and let the numbness melt her body and mind. The former happened with flying colors. Despite her utterly perfect level of fitness, her legs could only do so much, and the chronic numbness that ruined her fitness earned gait currently didn't change the thoughts rambling in her head. It only made them melt into simple thoughts rather than vivid daydreams. It trickled around in the back of her mind, but it wasn't quite the chain lightning it was before.

Rainbow Dash hung her forehooves off the walkway of her house, staring at the distant ground below. Her eyes slowly blinked, waiting for the stimulants to work their way through her system. She snorted derisively at herself. At least her loins weren't screaming to be sedated, as much, sorta.

You're thinking too hard. Let Twilight do all the thinking for you. You aren't meant to sit on your butt and 'query' why you have the big urge to just bury something inside of yourself. It didn't feel like a parley with a few toys would solve her problems on further reflection either. Damn it, what do you want from me head and/or plot?

It had to be settled. She had enough problems in her life: was her coat fluffy enough to make her look playful, or was it too fluffy, and it made her look like a pet dog instead of the incredible badflank that she was? What other routines could she learn to improve her physique? Should she adjust where she put her house wide sound system? Did cinnamon mixed in with water taste good?

Dash shook her head. Today and tonight we're going to be simple: hang out with the girls, catch up on gossip, laugh her plot off, think about three years of fun, get tipsy, do stupid things, and just enjoy being young mares in the best years of the Elements lives. She was going to stick to that plan. With one minor, and yet very important adjustment.

She was going to plan a pub crawl. That, could solve almost all of her problems in one swoop.

There was a problem with that plan: there was only two true bars in town, and while there were also another dozen places in town that served alcohol, they would not exactly... like that kind of thing from the six fillies.

One thing could fix all of that too: it was time to form a council, and only one place was the right place for them to have one.

"To the library!" Rainbow shouted defiantly and out loud, spreading her wings in inspiration.

"Wait... did I just say what Twilight would say?" she also said aloud.

You did, her mind replied. Congratulations Rainbow. Turn in your badflank card at the nearest nimbus. Just walk away from everything you've ever done. You are now an egghead of the highest order.

"Well, Twilight does have a cute-"

Stop that thought, get off this cloud, and seriously, fix this before you do something stupid. Her thoughts went mute to contemplate. Nevermind, you'll do something stupid anyways. Go get'em! While not an idiot - despite what some ponies might think - the pegasus' impulse control for reckless behavior was pretty much nonexistent. It would be hard to do her job of flying near the speed of sound and pushing her body to the bleeding edge with said drive intact. Except that it would be, considering the Wonderbolts had plenty of impulse control. Some parts of her military training hadn't quite kicked in yet.

"Yes, ma'am," Rainbow replied to the drill sergeant shouting in her head, front flipping off of her cloud. Perhaps Spitfire had sunk deeper into her head than she thought. At least I don't think of her like that anymore. No don't-

Stop, thinking, that, way.

The meeting needed to happen sooner, rather than later.

"-and that's why I use brown sugar, Pinkie; regular ole suger just doesn't cut it for flavor. It adds a much stronger kick an' richer taste. I simply can't go back to normal suger unless I hav'ta."

"Ponies don't get that the difference between forgettable cookies and unforgettable ones are just a change in really simple things. I use dark, light and semi-sweet chocolate in my chocolate chip cookies, to really bring out a flavor that brings ponies to their knees, and boy does it!" Pinkie replied.

Applejack nodded back. The two earth mares were walking down the main road from the Apple farm together, taking their time - a rarity for the pink filly - to simply enjoy a mutual passion. Cooking. It was about the only thing they shared in common, other than biologically being alike. Although that too, was questionable with Pinkie Pie being involved. "It's how I make my caramel so darn good, if I may so myself," Applejack continued. "Cousins can teach ya a lot."

"Brag away!" Pinkie smiled, twirling through the air. "We'll just keep it a secret I use yours, cause it's better than mine and I'd be a silly filly to say otherwise!" Pinkie sniffed the air curiously as she landed, wiggling her plush tail behind herself. "Speaking of a silly filly..."

Applejack raised an eyebrow, stopping beside her friend. "Are you about to Pinkie Sense a smell? Not comin' from me."

Pinkie giggled. "No, Jackie, it's not a toot; it's a silly filly about to drop in on us like she always does. Same thing Dashie always does, cause she's silly like that."

The orange mare rolled her eyes, smiling kindly to the baker. "Why am I not surprised? With the tone yer takin' I have a feelin' she's gonna crash land somewhere near us. Did I nail it?"

"Yep! Nailed it like a nail."

"And we... aren't gonna try to prevent her from crashin'?"

Pinkie nickered gaily. "Hay no!" she snorted loudly. "It's gonna be hilarious like it always is! She's not gonna hurt herself, so that's why it's funny! Okay, she will hurt herself for like a few minutes but Rainbow's almost as tough as we are, and she laughs when we trip and so a hoof for a hoof. Laughie laughie back!"

Applejack was barely controlling herself with the slowing evolving dark humor Twilight had begun to spread around corrupting even Pinkie Pie. It was awful, but Pinkie seemed to only enjoy it around her dearest friends. For good or ill. "We're awful," Applejack cracked, "and yer not supposed to like ponies in pain, Pinkie." She was doing her best to prevent herself from toppling over, and only partially succeeding. Applejack and Pinkie Pie followed the stream of colors arcing toward them in a chromatic blur.

Pinkie Pie bounced in excitement. "I don't normally," she stated, "but Rainbow will sorta find it funny too, so it's okay! Although... jeez, when you put it like that, I guess Dash has made me kind of mean." She pondered for a moment, stroking her chin. "Hmm... Oh! I know! Because she can handle it. Like how you two would look like mortal enemies about to duel to the death to ponies who didn't know you."

"That is putting it lightly," Applejack beamed, sending both the mares into a fit of giggles as their eyes followed the jet of colors racing toward them. Rainbow was going fast, even for her own standards of cruising speed, forcing a nervous glance from Applejack to her friend. "Yer... positive she won't?"

"Yep!" Pinkie chirped. "Just watch. I don't know when she'll land, but she'll be okay."

Rainbow Dash had judged her distance from her friends well, as was to be expected from a mare with 20/5 vision compared to her more ground based cousins. Her speed was fine, as was her braking. While she could stop nearly on a bit even when going nearly four hundred miles an hour, she decided to air brake hard to burn off excess steam from her body.

Pegasi' wings were filled with nerve endings, used to collect in the passive mana that filled the air of the world; it was why they were so sensitive to being touched and stroked. Flying filled pegasi with a faint trickle of happiness; at the speeds racers flew, it was a chemical rush of endorphins. If a pegasus flared out their wings completely and rigidly during a full stop maneuver, it applied a massive amount of pressure to the pegasi body. It was dangerous for a newbie - if not flat out lethal to the spinal system. However, to someone like a trained athlete like Rainbow Dash, the serotonin overload to her brain would be half orgasmic. It would calm her down.

Hopefully. Third time's the charm. Right?

It was perfect. Her powerful wings spread out to their full plume with trained ease, the sudden hit of gravity and the passive pegasi magic around her battled it out on and in her body, spine, and soul. Wind blew back from behind her in a torrent of dirt kicking gusts, while her entire body was rocked and flooded with an overload of dopamine. Even her training didn't give her perfect control over the physical euphoria that rocked her body. That was exactly the point, and she let out an ecstatic moan in bliss. It was as incredible as she remembered it being, and she'd be lying to herself if doing something like this every few days didn't make the blue mare addicted to her talent, and passion.

The blow back of gravity and excess ether made her do a back flip through the air, but that was all part of the fun and the tension curing utopia that swam in her head. It was wonderful.

Her head slamming on the ground wasn't.

Lost in paradise, her back flip made her snout thud on the dirt, soon enough followed by her entire body as she spun in reverse on the ground. Despite her moderately low speed, she flipped over three times before coming to a complete stop on the road, flat on her stomach, splayed out like a carpet. She was now punch drunk on a flying high, had a throbbing headache, and lightly covered in dirt. It was a normal day for her, cranked up to eleven.

Her mind was incoherent, ears registering the snorts of her friends who tried to repress them, but it was a futile task. If she was more alive, she would have chuckled too.

"I give that a five, Rainbow." Applejack looked down at the fallen pegasus, the smug grin on her muzzle slightly adorable, if Rainbow was pestered about it. "You've been slackin' off on yer maneuvers, and raw speed just doesn't cover it anymore." Applejack gently prodded the forehead of Rainbow curiously, listening to the incoherent grunts from her mouth as her muzzle was buried in the dirt. "Are ya okay, sugarcube?"

"Hi. I'm high." Rainbow cooed. It was her best entrance yet.

"Dashie, it is way too early to get stoned and you didn't even offer!?" Pinkie folded her forehooves as she looked down at her friend in disgust. "Rainbow, Lightning, Dash, how could you be so selfish?"

"I am so high right now," Rainbow giggled, showing her enviable mastery of words. She rubbed her forehead gently, wincing afterwards. "Oww. Being high on flying and having a headache at the same time sucks."

Applejack tilted her head to the side. "Do ya need a minute, Dash? Five?"

Rainbow mumbled once more, spitting out dirt. "Yeah, that sounds good. Just leave me here, cause I am kinda trippin' my plot off right now. I'm not stoned, but oh gosh, I feel like I am."

"Now what was with that sort of brakin', cause I have never seen ya-" It only took a gentle sniff of the air for Applejack's green eyes to go wide in shock. "Sleipnir's musky testicles, you smell like yer about 'n willing to be used by Equestria's Olympics team. What landed on yer airstrip an' caused an oil spill, RD, cause it smells like a rodeo locker room behind you!"

Rainbow felt her cheeks turn red as she let out a nervous chuckle. "I-I-I can explain."

"But before you do," Applejack interrupted, pulling her blue friend onto her hooves, "can ya at least wipe yerself off on a cloud or somethin'?” The farmer coughed. “Now I can handle a mighty range of smells, and we’ve been through much together, but shit girl, that scent in the air is like-"

"I don't need another stupid phrase from you right now," Dash groaned. "Sheesh, I'll go do it. Calm your freckled tits."

Applejack pressed her snout firmly into Rainbow's. If the earth mare had wings, they would be bladed daggers of death by the way her back curved. "They aren't freckled and why are you lookin' at them!" Applejack huffed.

"See? About to duel to the death," Pinkie Pie whispered to the audience, nodding her head.

"I’m not, but you’ll be sorry you have them period if you don’t shut up!" Rainbow ejected a hiss of pressurized air from the end of her nose that would make a steam train jealous. "Oh freakin' hay, let me rest cause we are fighting over nothing! Like always. Stupid yokel." She didn't even realize she insulted Applejack again. They were that used to it by now.

Applejack returned the exhale of air from her nose, giving her friend a good challenge in lung capacity. "I take pride in what I got, Dash-"

"Can you both stop fighting at least until the next chapter? We have a lot to cover in the next two or three, and you two can fight forever, and that's gonna bore everypony!" Pinkie pushed herself between her friends, scowling at both of them. "Because I will pull out hashish if I have to, and boyo, I know you guys can't handle that like I can! Think of what Ponyville will think if we come into town stoned! The horror!"

Both Applejack and Rainbow blinked rapidly at the cotton candy mare in front of them.

"That... it's us being stupid again?" Dash said.

"And didn't ya just say you wanted to get high with Dash?" Applejack added. "Not to mention it's Fluttershy who grows it."

"And what chapter? To what?"

Pinkie Pie deflated as quickly as she got slightly angry, falling over onto her back in defeat.. "You two can't take a joke!" she pouted.

Chapter Three: Fidgeting Frisky Fillies

Chapter Three: Three Frisky Fillies

Applejack had known Rainbow Dash for several years at this point, and considered the blue mare to be a borderline sister in the best - and worst - manner. She didn't know the mare inside and out, but there was something rolling around her friend's head today. She could feel it in her gut. Perhaps a slightly damaged brain, but honest troubles too. What was odd was both the raw need of the filly, and yet, the faint feeling Applejack got that something more was afoot. It was more than a craving for a hoedown of the more moonshine kind.

Seeing the athlete craving a bit of attention to her plot was nothing new nor unusual. It was a legendary trait that Rainbow Dash had that everyone around her knew of. In fact, the more Applejack thought about it, it was rare when sexual conversation came up for Rainbow to not mention her own posterior in some manner or form. Or, in fact, her physical sleekness period. Rainbow Dash just liked her body. It *is** a very cute body,* Applejack thought.

The moment those words tossed around in her head, Applejack lassoed them back into the chain gang section of her worst daydreams, not keen on thinking of her sister from a different mister's body strutting itself about in a sexually charging manner. Sadly, the thought just kept on repeating itself over and over inside of her head. It was why she drank from time to time.

“Feelin’ better after yer power nap?” Applejack said, flicking her thick tail idly behind herself. Rainbow rested on her side with a soft yawn, content to make the grass beside the dirt path a momentary resting spot. She pulled herself up onto her four hooves for only a few seconds, before letting her famous wings bring her frame to an idle hover mere feet above the ground. It was Dash’s classical traveling position. "And thank you for actually wipin’ yourself off; I take that kindly you have some decency in you this mornin'.”

Rainbow opened her mouth for a moment, clearly intending to break that spell of decency with a good vulgarity or two. Instead, she rolled her eyes with a dismissive huff. “I did more than wipe myself.”

Pinkie Pie squished her snout into her neck in honest shock and even a bit of disgust. “Way too much info too early in the morning, Dashie. And that’s coming from me,” Pinkie twitched. “Although... that would explain why you took so long. You’re holding us up.”

As quickly as she was shocked, her mood flipped into anger, Pinkie stabbing her forehoof into Dash’s snout, watching the pegasus squish her muzzle into her own toned neck in return. “You, are holding, ponies, up. How dare you, Rainbow Dash,” she continued harshly, “how could you hold hostage to our time?”

Applejack simply blinked in confusion. Pinkie Pie was random; she was the definition of random. Uncontrollable. She was literally out of the world at times, and her moods and ideas could swing wildly depending on what was going on, or simply on her own whim. To see her half interrogating their mutual friend and fellow Element was a bit frightening. “Now, Pinkie-”

“I-I-I uhh, have never slowed anypony down ever have I?” Rainbow softly whimpered. Pinkie nodded in the affirmative, her stern glare leering Dash down. Her wings flapped harder with every passing second. “W-w-wow, I don’t like to waste your time! Crap. L-l-let’s get a move on yeah? Busy day and all! We got a-”

“Oh no you don’t!” Pinkie dug her forehooves into Rainbow's thick, husky coat fur, gripping firmly into the hair of her friend as if the athlete had mugged a child. “You justtotally rub a dub dubbed your pegapuff on a fluffy cloud and filled it with Skittle sugar. Now I’m sure you do that from time to time but this early and today, Rainbow Dash? Something is tickling under your tail and we wanna know what made you squirt!”

Applejack wasn't so sure that the imagery of Rainbow moaning in sexual release was one she wanted in her head. Sadly, it stayed there, and a small, decrepit part of her enjoyed it. “Umm... Pinkie,” Applejack interrupted, tapping the fellow earth mare on the shoulder. “I think yer bein’ a bit rough on Dash here, and I really don’t want to know what yer wantin’ her to talk about right now. Ya know, early and not enough cider in me.”

Rainbow looked like she was about to urinate herself. Her wings flapped rapidly, and yet the pink mare holding onto her didn’t seem to be budging, despite the strength in Dash’s wings. “Please, Pinkie, you’re scaring me,” she whined. Her ears had wilted to the side of her muzzle, fear creeping along the corners of her cerise eyes. Despite more than capable of being able to pull herself away, she was shell shocked. “This isn’t funny. I'm just a bit horny, alright? Okay, really horny today? Put me down?”

“Who or what made your bell ring, Rainbow? Get it out now and save yourself punishment!” Pinkie insisted.

“Pinkie, that’s enough,” Applejack said sternly, nosing Pinkie to the side. “Come on, Pinkie,  you’re not actin’ like yerself.”

“Who dashed your driveway!?”

“Shining Armor filling me like Joe’s icing filled doughnuts!” Dash cried.

Pinkie immediately dropped her friend, blinking rapidly in amusement. “Well... this is going to be a very awkward conversation, and that’s coming from me!”

“Pinkie, you’ve crossed a line and hurt poor Rainbow’s feelings,” Applejack said, stuffing a hoof into Pinkie's mouth, listening to her muffle out muted protest. She turned toward Rainbow, folding her ears in shame. “She’s been mighty calm, even for herself this mornin’, and I should've known somethin’ was up, RD. Maybe her gumball machine needs a quarter inside of it too. Maybe that’s why she wanted to know the details,” Applejack said sharply, her hazel eyes staring at Pinkie's sharply.

With a shake of her head, Rainbow pulled herself back up into the air, brushing herself off, although still clearly slightly perturbed in a manner that Applejack did not expect. She looked emotionally relieved, and damaged, at the same time. “No, Pinkie’s right,” she said dejectedly. “If she hadn’t done that, I'd would've dodged the question. You gotta know when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, somethin’ happens. Come at me head on with my problems you know?”

Somethin' else is up here. I can feel it. Rainbow Dash is awful at hidin' her emotional troubles when they boil over, and *somethin'** is ruffling her feathers.* Applejack had to find out. For her friend not to be excited about the one day where she could let herself loose even more than usual was concerning, to say the least.

“See?” Pinkie removed Applejack's hoof from her mouth, petting the hoof idly. “There’s a method to my madness,” she chirped. “If Fluttershy or Twilight was here, I wouldn't have done that, but since it’s the three of us, I had to act!”

Or you could've just let me take care of it, but you’re about as impulsive as Dash, Pinkie; and dang it, where’s an energy drink to calm you down? The irony of the statement was a theory Twilight was still testing out. “I had it handled,” Applejack stated sternly, resulting in a slight wince from Pinkie. “Rainbow’s clearly 'n need 'n more ways than one, and while she and I can take a mighty beatin', there’s more to this than I think she’s lettin’ on. Right, Dasha?”

For a moment, it didn’t look like Rainbow would answer. Her eyes looked at the ground as she quickly landed. She began to scoff at the grass in the manner she had picked up from Fluttershy out of nervous habit. “I... damn it, yeah, I got more problems than me just needin’ a lay, I think. Maybe. I’m not exactly known for being a thinking kind of pony.”

With a bounce, Pinkie slid herself besides Rainbow, wrapping a forehoof around her supportively. “Come on, Rainbow, you know if you got a real problem, we’re here to help you! You know that I love you, and we love you. So what if you got the urge on Twilight’s brother? He’s your kinda colt, and it’s not like anypony can read your mind or you’d do anything to hurt her. And, well, don't tell anypony, but he's... really cute too.” Pinkie let out the infamous squee that while she was not the inventor of, was its most vocal supporter. It didn't however, cover the red that was beginning to work its way across her cheeks.

Rainbow Dash’s wings flapped rapidly, as if they were pleading her to take off toward the nearest bastion of clouds she could hide behind. I was right, Applejack thought. But I don't think she's in heat either. Somethin's *still** not bein' said.*

Dash was doing everything in her power to keep the urge to run away inside of her. Applejack knew her well enough that the ability for her friend to do that had long since passed. She was going to tell her friends, in the shielded manner that the cyan filly did. "I... it’s more than me just wanting Soarin’ or any good lookin’ pony for the night or a month; I think I might have a crush on Shining Armor, guys. Not the hots. A crush. A 'I want to be your mare and make you breakfast' kind of crush."

And there it is. That explains-

Pinkie choked back a laugh, her thought process clearly only catching the words she wanted to catch. "You can't cook anything well except for waffles, Rainbow Dash! Silly. You'd kill him through mustard gas!" She stroked her chin in contemplation. "I don't know where you'd get mustard gas, but your cooking is almost as bad as Sweetie Belle’s!"

"Now, Pinkie, I think here Rainbow Dash is being honest and isn't joking around, for once." Applejack said. Dash nodded quietly, her hooves twitching by the sides of her lean frame. "I really do think this is more than you gettin' a bit antsy and needin' a good release. You just might need to settle down after what Tesla Coil did to ya, sugarcube."

There. That was the issue. The moment the words escaped from Applejack's mouth, was the moment she noticed that the athlete's frame had relaxed. The core issue that Dash had been hiding had been exposed, and one of her closest friends was helping her address it. Personal emotional tension, and Rainbow Dash, did not mix. Applejack would happily fix that.

Applejack continued with her prep talk, joining her pink comrade with a forehoof wrapping around Rainbow's shoulder, forming a security blanket Dash. "I know you’ve certainly grown frisky ‘n are known for bein' that, and that’s yer prerogative ‘n all, but sex just doesn’t cover it I think for you anymore. Shinin’s a good stallion and should be the ideal yer aimin’ for. And if I may say so myself, he’s as noble of a colt out there as any I’ve seen. I don't think you have a crush on him though; I think you got a crush on a pony like him. Ya want somepony who's kinda like what Rarity's after."  She chuckled quietly. "Shoot girl, you just want yourself a noble, modern knight who can kick tail."

Rainbow Dash quickly perked up, her ears flicking upward as her wings spread in contentment. “Thanks, AJ," she said, giving her friend a gentle cheek nuzzle. "I think you helped me realized what I meant. I’m just looking for a pony who kinda won’t treat me like a clop object, not that yours truly isn't the best clop object ever,” she added, scoffing at her own chest.

"I'm not sure that was part of the talk," Pinkie said, raising an eyebrow. I will keep the satisfaction of knowing that Pinkie Pie acted completely normal for about five seconds simply to myself, Applejack chuckled.

Applejack rolled her eyes at her friend’s ego returning to the playful showmanship that she had. She was a friendly mare to new comers. She truly was, but she slipped into what others might call a 'bitch' to protect her weak points if they got prodded. Her friends knew she had a heart of gold and steel at the same time, much like Applejack herself. If I can be so humble. Ponies just don’t realize there’s a lot more tickin’ in that head of Rainbow’s than flyin’ and braggin’, Applejack thought. It could be the mare may need somethin’ to stable her in.

Celestia would that be nice to see her stabled and reined in, like a Germaney punk rocker and her ear pierced master, her more snide side replied.

Now *you** watch it head,* she warned. I’ve never had as much fun in my life as I’ve had around her; she helps me unwind better than anythin', and you know it too! We’re both physical fillies, and she just knows how to make us laugh and enjoy life, much like Pinkie Pie does. Dasha just does it in her own unique way. Like... Pinkie.

Dang it, her snide side sighed. Why do ya make good points?

Cause that’s what we do.

“Jackie has a good point, Dashie.” Pinkie stroked through the wild mane of her friend. “You might have shaken your plot too much, and would rather have a pony tug on your heart instead of your mane." Her ears folded sweetly, the wave of tittering giggles escaping from her mouth infectious on Applejack, who joined in with Pinkie as a soundboard. "Aww, that’s so cute! You’re totally adorable when you’re in love!”

Rainbow’s cheeks began to quickly match the red in her mane. “Pinkie, stop it! I'm totally getting you back for today. Just you wait!" And there she goes. Her fences up an' runnin' again and back to the filly I call my sister.

"Oh, I will wait, Dash. I'll wait for you all night long." Pinkie growled seductively into her friend's ear, the raw cherry on the pegasus' cheeks glowing like a Hearthswarming decoration.

Rainbow shoved Pinkie away from her playfully, forcing out a squeak from the pink mare and an amused chuckle from Applejack. "Go buck yourselves, both of you," Rainbow growled, the blood on her cheeks not keen on going away anytime soon. " I need a pony after Tessie and you're teasin' me, Pinkie! You're so creepy when you are teasin' ponies. Most likely cause... heh... you're good at it."

Pinkie Pie teases the manure out of ponies when she needs her doors greased, and Rainbow gets soft an' pissy at the same time. I've always known this, but I've never seen these two this bad before. I hope to Celestia this isn't somethin' you catch. The last thing Applejack needed was an injection of whatever was frisking up her friends. Either she was too busy from her work to really focus on her loins, or she simply had a small and playful rookus that usually wasn't on the tier of what her two friends were capable of. Usually.

"Look, can we get moving?” Rainbow scowled. The faintest of smiles crept over the corners of her lips, giving Applejack that little hint she needed to know she had done a job well done. Dash pulled herself up into the air with a loud crack of her back. “Sheesh, it's like half of Equestria is out to get me, including myself. Did I crap on someone's cloud or something?"

Pinkie Pie frowned shortly, scoffing at the ground herself. "I'm sorry, Dash, I guess AJ's right: I might need a bit of a pogo sticking too. Oh!" She bounced into the air with a springing hop of glee. "I know! Let me take you out to our favorite place, Rainbow! There we can eat and talk and laugh and be silly fillies and plan on hooking you up with somepony! Or a party! A bachelorette party!"

Both Applejack and Rainbow facehooved in unison. "One step at a time, Pinks'," they said together. Slowly they turned their eyes toward each other, emerald looking into shades of cerise light. They laughed out loud at their mind melding, shaking their heads at what years of friendship had turned them into. Applejack wouldn't trade it for the world.

Rainbow Dash shook her head once again, snorting out a little ending chuckle. She smiled happily once again. "You're insane, Pinkie, but free food is just the way to my heart! I do love food. But not quite as much as you or Twilight."

"Now come on, Rainbow," Applejack said, folding her forehooves in mock disgust, "can't ya wait till Twi's next to ya to make fun of her? Twi’ needs ta be able to defend herself and lower you down a notch. Cause you know full well that when she gets a goin' on ya hard, dear Gringolet she can bring ya down faster than a cannonade to a ships mast."

"But we were making fun of Rainbow before she got here." Pinkie chirped.

"It better be awesome calamari," Dash huffed, "or I swear to Celestia." She burst down the main road toward Ponyville, her wings leaving her peers quickly behind as a crackle of colored mist emanated behind her.

"You always say it is-wait up, Rainbow!" Pinkie pronged after Rainbow Dash, leaving Applejack alone to shake her head.

Ya know, this must be why Twilight says she's never having kids; because if I ever had one like these two, I'd quickly run out of bourbon. At least runnin' will build up an appetite. With a disgruntled huff, Applejack galloped after the afterburning pegasus and springing pink mare. She didn't have a chance in Tartarus to catch either of them, but that tended to be her lot in life. She'd have it no other way.

Most of the time.

Chapter Four: The Mares Of The Top-Heavy Round Table

Chapter Four: The Fellowship Of Frantic Friends

Well I wasn’t expecting her to react that way about the sex. Iwasbeing tactful about it. Can’t a mare help another one experience the joys of a night out, deep intimacy, and learning about what they enjoy? If anypony needs it the most, it is lovely Twilight.

It was a very simple plan to begin with, Rarity thought: open up Twilight to the possibilities that a bit of sexual exploration could give her, and watch her confidence soar. Sex was almost always the worst the first time around, but at least Twilight would be able to grow and learn from it, like most ponies did. Emotions and body parts went wild the first time, nearly universally. The first run didn’t usually last long, as much as virgins might think otherwise. The librarian really needed to stop being so paranoid about it, but then again, asking Twilight to not be paranoid about something was a futile task.

Regardless, the flustered anger that Twilight had - much akin to Rainbow Dash’s, although not quite as cute if Rarity was asked about it  - had turned into the shy, rambling concern that Twilight  had when opening up about a subject she had little experience in. “So you want me to skip the first date stage and go... that far?” Twilight said. "Sounds a little... extreme. Like, a Rainbow Dash kind of extreme. That's not right, coming from you, Rarity."

Rarity sighed quietly, resting her forehooves gently on the table in front of her. A morning cup of caffeine was what both of them needed, and Plains Trotters had just about everything any of them could ask for. Outside of the library, it was the Elements favorite meeting and eating spot. The espresso was going to be needed as much today as it was during a hectic night of late night dress making. If this plan is going to succeed, I'm going to have to keep her from thinking too hard. Despite being a very smart pony herself, Rarity simply knew that the raw ponypower in Twilight's mind was frightful. She needed to keep her friend flustered, if she wanted to stay ahead.

It was time to try the motherly approach. She smiled sweetly at her friend. “Twilight, dear, you are twenty; I’m not saying that dating in the manner you are speaking of isn’t good, on the contrary. Once you’ve had a bit of fun I more than insist that is the route for a pony such as yourself, and I am more than happy to help you in any manner that I can. However, I think it’s time you... enter another rite of passage into adulthood, you could say.”

Twilight Sparkle mumbled incoherently, twirling a mixing spoon around in her tea. She rolled her eyes dismissively. “Thanks for the special treatment, mom," she said flatly. "What is this, a baptism by fire? I'm not sure it works like that, Rarity.”

“We all have to go through this, Twilight,” Rarity continued, leaning gently on the table. “You know how much I talk about my ideal colt? It’s because I have the confidence to know I can handle myself in all the manners that a relationship entails. I have that practical knowledge that you know full well tempers theoretical. You are very close to being able to handle that yourself, but until you are able to handle yourself emotionally and physically, you will flounder, and that’s the last thing the rest of us want.”

“When did you become my mother?” Twilight groaned, taking a long sip from her spiced tea. Her violet eyes had begun to cross in anger, and her tail flicked upward to add to the gesture. It only showed that Rarity's method of persuasion was working. She knew what lines she could cross.

Being defiant and yet seeking my advice? Rarity chuckled internally. I know how your shielding works my dear. “When I realized my friend needed a bit of help escaping her 'fortress of solitude',” Rarity quipped. “Come now, we already know you pleasure yourself, so it’s not as if you are completely unaware of the joys of self release. Is it a recently acquired talent?” Be blunt, kind, make her embarrassed, and advise, all at the same time. The best way to get through to you, Twilight, when you set your shields to full. And Rainbow Dash, oddly enough.

“Rarity!” Twilight hissed, her cheeks burning brightly, “that’s private! And we're in public!” She looked around to see if anypony else was listening in on their conversation. So far, the coast was clear, but the panic was still plattered on her muzzle.

One more punch. Rarity rolled her eyes. “I guess three years of friendship, near death and evil just doesn’t cover intimate details anymore. Oh, drat.”

“Fine, Rarity. Fine.” Twilight's tail thud on the stone beneath her, throwing her forehooves into the air. She crossed them over her chest afterwards, looking away from her friend with a pouting anger that Rarity knew all too well. Her victory. “Of course I know how too... clop, and that’s the truth! There’s nothing wrong with it and it’s completely natural." She broke out into a short laugh, shaking her muzzle from side to side. "I can't believe I'm telling you this. That we're talking about this."

And *there** you are,* Rarity hummed to herself mentally. We have breached the walls. She could feel her sapphire orbs gleam in personal satisfaction from not only working her own magic, but ready to hear her friend's woes. It was more important than a small ego stroking. “Then why are you so hidden about it? Surely you know we've all talked about it; Truth or Dare has brought out many secrets, although I would hardly call ‘self pleasure’ a secret. Your memory isextraordinary, Twilight, and I do not believe a bit of alcohol would ruin it.”

“Because it’s a taboo subject?” Twilight said firmly, tapping the table with a forehoof. She looked around once again for ghosts that were not there. Satisfied, she rested her forehooves on the table, taking a deep drought of her tea. "I'm not Rainbow Dash, or even slightly like Pinkie Pie."

"But I thought you were?"

Twilight smiled snidely at her friend's humor, much akin to her own. "Hate you, Rarity," she chuckled.

"Hugs and kisses for all of eternity, sweetie," Rarity winked. “Now correct me if I'm wrong, but did you say talking about sex with your closest friends is taboo? Oh do point to the social etiquette book that says this, as I would love to read it. Now come, you know full well dating surely will lead to sex eventually, and I am nearly certain you aren’t a waiting till marriage kind of mare, now are you?”

What shocked Rarity the most was, well, the response. It was a really simple thing really. It just came out of left field. “I... want to be... cuddled," Twilight sighed softly. Her posture and eyes softened, meekly staring at her tea, and looking much like the innocent mare she could be. "I get tense and well, the thought of somepony beside me to unwind after a long day of research sounds... enjoyable.” She clopped her forehooves loudly together in her signature sign of shyness. "And well... to test out some... theories, and so you are half right there. Or... fully right."

“And no 'pretty innocent princess' thoughts about it being repulsive unless he’s your ‘one true love’?” Rarity smiled at the concept, and watched her friend's smile grow in unison. The marble mare too, had aged a bit over the recent few years. It was asinine of her now to think of any pony being perfect. She herself was close though. One must be modest with themselves. And modest she was.

The logical side of her friend had taken over, much to Rarity's silent delight. Back to normal and frank Twilight. “Well of course I have some doubts,” she said, a peaceful and slightly excited smile crossing her muzzle. She raised a forehoof, her mind switching to what she was best: a calm and rational scientist. “Sex is an emotionally binding experience and chances are I’d not stay with them for long statistically.”

Rarity nodded softly, sipping her espresso. “Mmm. That's a real concern we all have; we don't want you to be hurt knowing that's the case, Twilight, and we’re here to help you sort through those feelings when they happen. I’m more than sure there is a colt around here or nearby not only attracted to you, but who will treat you right, and is more than willing to show an affectionate side.”

“Unless you think I can be detached from the beginning and just... uhh... ‘stand it’?" Twilight failed to repress a snort, letting the dry humor hover in the air. It was funny to her. That was all that matter. “Okay, I'm not that detached emotionally. You don’t have to worry about me going that far and being so sexually reclusive like that. Maybe you're right. I just need to open up a bit. It’s only a hyper minority of ponies who don’t mate before marriage. Sexual incapability is a variable I’m not keen on keeping unknown.”

“Or many variables for that matter,” Rarity giggled. Many variables indeed, she thought. “Don’t jump too far, Twilight dear. This is fun we are talking about, not wedding bells and dresses.” She sat back in her chair, feeling her pupils go wide in shock. “Did I... just say what I thought I said!?” I did... woe befall my lineage! It was a good thing she wasn't going to have any children.

With laughter bursting from her lungs, Twilight nearly fell over onto her side. “You did!” Rarity mumbled incoherently to herself in disapproval. The shame would never go away, unless it did later this evening. Hopefully. Or it was made worse. Either was for the betterment of Equestria. “And I guess when you put it that way, if there’s any way I want to explore myself, it’d be with my best friends. I just don’t want to rush into it.”

“Don’t worry, Twi’,” Dash said. “Exploring yourself is something I rock at, although I don’t think ‘friendship with benefits’ is a good idea with us, and that’s comin’ from me.”

Both of the unicorn’s screeched at the hovering pegasus behind them, thankful for the magic holding their hot drinks in check. “Where did you come from!?” they said in tandem.

Rainbow Dash idly shrugged. “Escaping from two earth ponies chasing after me about my sex life. Pretty much I'm kinda randy today."

"I'm truly shocked," Rarity said.

"I came to them lookin’ for help," Dash continued, "but no, they had to make fun of it. And... help me at the same time, but that's not important right now. At least I’m here to help ya Twi'."

“How much did you hear!?” Twilight cried, her composure having been blown apart as quickly as the winds passed underneath Rainbow's wings.

Rainbow shrugged again. She was very good at shrugging. “Just the last bit about cuddling ‘n touchy feely stuff ‘n how Rarity thinks you need your horn waxed. Which is all cool.”

“You could've at least announced yourself, Rainbow Dash, instead of snooping.” Rarity huffed, tugging on one of the pegasus' ears with a thrum of magic. Dash winced, flapping her wings harder in protest. “I was trying to open up Twilight so she could get the bravado to find a stable colt,” she continued. “I’m not seeking for Twilight to trot out and throw herself at the nearest stallion available. I'm simply suggesting that if she wishes to find a coltfriend, you and I know better in that she needs to dip into the water first." And here comes the pegasus smashing everything I worked so hard on. Why am I not surprised?

Twilight slammed her forehooves onto the table, anger trickling over her eyes. "Why are you talking about me as if I'm not even here, or a foal?" She protested. "Is this what Spike feels like around me?"

“It’s what my ear feels like." Rainbow growled at her friends. "And Pinkie grabbed my chest today, hard. And I worked out this morning. Can I get a break from physical stuff for once?” With a loud swoosh of her wings, Rainbow pulled back from Rarity’s magic, having strong enough wings to break away from Rarity's hold, although not without sending the unicorn squealing onto her back. Dash caught her friend's drink on one of her hind legs, scooping it up with a forehoof to sniff at the compressed beans. “Eww! It smells like concentrated death, and not the awesome kind of concentrated death.”

Twilight had buried her head in her forehooves, all of Rarity's efforts having collapsed and Twilight's shields were up and at full power once again. “Today is going to be awful,” she droned, shaking her snout from side to side. “I need something to eat before I want to scream. No, I just might scream anyways. Now Rainbow knows about this.”

Rainbow Dash slid beside Twilight, grinning widely as she folded her wings beside herself. “Now that’s a life question I wanna know; do you do that deep grunt of frustration ya do, or a little moan, or something high pitched when you clop?”

“Do you have any filter, Rainbow?” Twilight replied. Her amethyst eyes glowed like daggers into the cerise ones looking excitedly at her own, winning the battle of wills for the moment. Rainbow retreated with a meek, very faint sound of submission, coughing as if nothing had happened. It was impossible for Twilight not to smile in a small victory.

Rarity pulled herself up onto her seat once again, growling between her teeth at Rainbow Dash. “Welcome to you too, Miss Dash. I hope you've enjoyed your morning as much as we have.”We are now accepting passengers to the chemistry of Rainbow and Twilight’s minds dancing around each other. The train from Rainbow’s brutal trolling to Twilight’s dry snideness will be leaving shortly. We must warn those on board train on train collisions are common.

“Ehh, it’s been up and down, and not in the flying or plot bouncing kind of way,” Rainbow replied.

“Great," Twilight hissed, "now I have to deal with Rainbow talking about sex more than she does, and not in a funny way,” she mumbled.

"Hey!" Rainbow replied, flapping her wings once. "You find it funny too most of the time, you're just... a bit antsy right now. Like me." Her tone grew softer, biting her lower lips in the awfully adorable manner that she did. It hurt Rarity to look at it, as much as she would deny it.

Twilight stared at her drink dejectedly, tiredly blinking at the tea in front of her. “So when is the next monster going to attack before I have a seizure? I can't stop thinking about both of us now, and well, that's where I want the seizure to come in.”

However, do note that a line of playful energy to wised curiosity may be in the works... Rarity liked what she saw.

“Tsk tsk," Rarity began, waving her forehoof slowly at her two friends, "two mares in front of me needing some help from Rarity. Why am I not surprised?” She idly twirled a strand of purple hair, eyeing the two mares with a growing smile that was bordering on something more sinister than it needed to be. Or should be, for proper enjoyment. It is *time** to recover this, dear Rarity, and slyly weave them back into my trap once more. Wait no! Not trap! Plan...* It was a plan most cunning.

Dash and Twilight looked at each other, glancing between themselves and Rarity. “Can I get something to eat, before I think you talk about what I think you are about to talk about?” Rainbow chuckled nervously. “Because if you are about to talk about what I think you are about to talk about, I think this is a horrible idea, and I’ve had my share of horrible ideas.”

Rarity purred quietly at the two ponies in front of her, watching them both gulp down small balls of saliva down their muzzles. “We all know how open you are, Dashie dear, and I have a... hunch that Twilight is, as it is reasonable for a pony to judge someone by their hearts; what is between their legs is just an accepted outcome.”

“Oh hey look a perfect timing for me to jump into an awkward conversation and make it even more awkward-I have a tendency to do that but here you two will totally thank me!” Pinkie leaped onto a chair idly, crossing her hind legs as the fellow Elements cried in shock, falling over onto their backs. “See? I’m a life saver. Aren't you glad I can make problems go away so easily?"

Damn it all to Tartarus that rascal! Rarity cursed mentally. “Can we please not be scared like that again today?” Rarity frantically panted, pulling herself upright once again. “What if I got expresso on my coat and burned myself, or heavens forbid did some bodily function in fear!?” It would ruin *everything*, and there is only so much I can handle before I faint or get my couch!

Rainbow pulled herself up to lean on the table, fatigue slowly working its way across her eyes. Working out, having her sex life examined in a manner she didn't want it to be examined in, and having mind games played on her weren't conductive to energy. “Then I’d be laughing so hard I’d most likely join you, if I wasn't tired.”

“Pinkie Pie, don’t do that, you scared the crap out of us!” Twilight sighed, tapping the mare on the nose. “Although on second thought... it was getting a bit weird. Thanks.”

“No problem, Twi’,” Pinkie tittered. “I’m here to serve the public in any way I can, other than what Rainbow immediately thought of. No, Dashie, no.” It was best that thought was never brought up again, but it would be.

“Whatever,” Rainbow said dismissively, waving a wing at the grinning earth mare. “Now I got the post-adrenal fatigue. I need a drink.”

“You see, Twilight? This is why you don’t drink early, despite the very large temptation you may have to do so,” Rarity said. “Rainbow Dash is the living example of alcoholism hidden deep within an athlete. Why do you think those scandals always happen to those at the top?” Both of them stressed? Check. Depressed? Check. One wizened and the other inexperienced? Check.

“Screw you, Rarity, and not with anything arousing," Rainbow groaned. Her muzzle collapsed on the table, cerise eyes staring off into space. "Energy drink. That sounds good right now. Although drinking is tempting too.”

“I’ve got ya covered, RD. Now let’s all settle down, and sort through our problems like grown mares ‘n figure what in the hay we’ve all trotted ourselves into.”

Unlike both the entrances of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, Applejack had clearly made her presence known, rolling a can of concentrated willpower off of her hat onto a forehoof. “I knew you girls would be here, and by the look of panic on y’all’s faces - except you, Pinkers - I see we got ourselves a crisis that needs to be roped in before it turns into a tornado.”

Dash accepted the can with a quickly spreading grin at the nectar of the old Pegasi’ gods in delight. As Applejack pulled up a chair around the circular table, the situation was indeed one that the five mares needed to fix. Six, if one included the sunshine colored pegasus humming happily to herself as she half danced toward her friends.

The other Elements raised their eyebrows - other than Pinkie, who simply giggled - at the raw delight coming from Fluttershy’s frame. It was Twilight who threw up her forehooves in thanks to the improbable impossibilities of chance working toward her favor. “Thank you!” she cheered. “Thank you! Somepony whoclearly isn’t insane today."

"But I haven't-" Applejack began, only to be interrupted by the lavender unicorn.

"Please tell me, Fluttershy, you are doing perfectly fine, aren’t possessed by some evil mind controlling entity that would still make today better than what I’ve been forced to go through, and can at least be a voice of reason to my other friends who are trying to either set me up with another friend, flirting with me, or controlling my sex life?”

"So, Twilight, how's your sex life?" Pinkie asked in a weird accent.

“Rarity or Rainbow or Pinkie is settin’ you up with who now?” Applejack blinked, sitting herself down. "First Pinkie's been frisky, then Rainbow, and now the rest of y'all are? Why do I have the feelin' this is gonna be a long day?"

Rainbow exhaled happily, sipping her Mooster, feeling the chemicals flush her system. “I’m not setting up anypony; it’s Rarity trying to maybe get Twilight to date me-”

“-I am not-you two would grow much from each other!" No! I was supposed to have this under control, how could I let it slip away!? Is *this** what Nightmare Moon must of felt like?*

Pinkie lifted up her forehooves, pushing away the idea physically. “Woah, Rarity. Friendship with benefits is not gonna work with the whole Harmony thing going. I should know!"

Twilight had resulted to thudding her head on the table, which was the best thing she could do for her intellect. “Mental breakdown in five, four, three."

“Girls. Shh.”

With a gentle flutter of her wings, Fluttershy sat down to complete the circle of the Elements. She looked calm and serene, more so than she normally did. Angelic peace was more apt for Fluttershy at the moment, and it didn’t seem like she would change from that mindset any time soon. “I think, we all need to settle down,” she said sweetly. “Today is going to be very fun, and you all look like you need to open up and talk. Now, why don’t we all relax, take deep breaths, and get this out early. I’m sure more will come out tonight, but until then, we should enjoy the rest of our day doing whatever we want.”

“Flutters’ is right,” Applejack nodded, smiling to the pegasus. “I think we all need to settle down, maybe nibble on somethin’, and figure out exactly what is goin’ on, cause I think I’m confused."

Alright, we have two veryreasonable mares here to back me up, Rarity sighed mentally. All I have to do is relax, take it easy as Twilight would during a world ending event, gently push the conversation in one direction, set something up, and-

Sometimes, genius came in white and lovely furred packages. Oh. Oh, *Rarity, you* ***wondrousmare. You wondrous, **wondrous mare. Play your cards well and this could go without a hitch. Not only will your friends have lovely new looks, but you might make this night far better than any that we've ever had. You are a devil, and you should be* proudof that. Just... try not to cry yourself to sleep about the monetary expense. She put all of her energy and focus into regaining the composure that her muzzle and voice once had. She would need it.

The world should be thankful she wasn't a dictator in the making. "I think," Rarity enunciated, "what we need to do, is eat something, and fill in what we all don't know," she said smoothly. "Nothing some idle chatter and fact finding can not fix. Don't you agree, Twilight?"

Twilight nodded slowly, her purple eyes looking back with determination into Rarity's own. Excellent, Rarity mentally trilled. "And you need to explain why you think Rainbow and I should-"

Rarity waved a forehoof dismissively at her friend's statement. "A misunderstood slip, but why don't I treat you all out for lunch, because I think after sorting things out, I have a very big idea for tonight."

Rainbow Dash glanced at the fellowship of Elements in concern, swallowing down a large chug of her drink. She almost choked on it. "I don't like the sound of this," Rainbow coughed.

"But it's free food Rainbow, how can you forget that offer?" Pinkie beamed. "And I don't have to pay for it. So it's a double whammy of amazingness!"

Applejack looked skeptic at the idea until Fluttershy clopped her forehooves in approval. "That's a wonderful idea, Rarity. Empty stomachs aren't going to solve anything. You all are tense and there's nothing like nutritional food to help."

Yes. Help.

Chapter Five: Keep Calm With F Bombs

Fluttershy had many reasons to be happy. She wasn't even stoned yet.

It had been over three years since the six fillies had become best friends, despite how different they could all be from one another. It showed how strong their unity was, despite their clashing personalities and desires. Yes, four of her friends had an awfully sharp sense of sarcasm, but it didn't hurt them in the long run. They all forgave each other and loved one another, no matter how many insults could fly at the drop of a hoof.

Today was different though. It just seemed that some unknown stressor was effecting them, and that was what made a motherly instinct inside of Fluttershy kick in. She was determined to help her friends in any way she could, and if Rarity offered to help, than that was fine and dandy too.

Once the food started flowing and some water to fight the mild summer heat was served - dehydration surely didn't help - her friends seemed to relax more and more; she too could get peeved at not properly eating, and there was nothing wrong with that. It was only natural, and in the end, ponies were natural creatures. "So it seems that, Rainbow: you might be looking for a pony to settle down with," Fluttershy said, swirling a spoon through her cauliflower soup. "And, Twilight: you are looking for your first playmate."

Rainbow nodded, suckling down pieces of marinara covered calamari. Fluttershy's oldest friend drank water like a fish and was almost always instantly perked up by any offering of seafood. And there's nothing wrong with that too, she thought. While a vegetarian herself, Pegasi' could and did digest seafood if they so chose to. It's just part of the circle of life, and fish can't talk anyways. With her energy drink in hoof, Rainbow Dash looked chipper.

"That pretty much sums it up," Rainbow nodded, swirling another piece through tomato sauce. "I'm not in heat, so that's not making it worse. Maybe I just bottle in too much you know? Tesla Coil left a bad taste in my mouth. And well..."

"So that's why you haven't moved on huh?" Applejack said, chewing her spinach sandwich loudly. "Caboose filled with baggage? I thought that was Rarity's job." She gave Rarity a wink, fully remembering the camping trip the three mares went on.

Rarity rolled her eyes at Applejack’s comment as Rainbow chuckled, continuing her thoughts. "You could say that. I guess I just don't feel like I can be that intimate safely; don't want a pony getting close to me only to drop me you know? I'm deeper than I look."

"So you are a hoof deep instead of half of one?" Rarity smiled. "I thought you could take more Rainbow; you are falling behind on your training, and with how much you work out you need to be properly fit to function."

The pegasus both blushed and snorted loudly in her failed attempt to repress laughter, choking on a piece of squid to the resounding giggles of her friends. Friendship at its finest.

"I'm so glad you all are back to being the lovely fillies that you are." Fluttershy sighed peacefully. She had accepted what her friends had become. It was for the best. "I'm sure we can help you open up more, Rainbow, just as I'm sure we can help you, Twilight." She wrapped a wing gently around the purple unicorn, giving her a calm smile.

"Thanks girls, when you aren't giving me all migraines," Twilight smirked with a roll of her eyes, sipping her tomato bisque soup. "I should've known you girls would help me, but I guess since this is so... personal, I didn't know what to say." She clopped her forehooves together nervously. "And I guess I'm... heh... maybe in estrus?"

"Twilight dear, it isn't as if ponies aren't naked in public anyways and aren't used to us being in heat." Rarity twirled her fork through her Caesar salad idly. "Society would collapse if mares just went berserk during their cycles.” She looked at Fluttershy with a gentle smile. “Fluttershy dear, I have to tell you, do you know sometimes you just, radiate tranquility? It's why you make a wonderful model."

Fluttershy blushed softly at the compliment. Maybe it's because I'm preparing myself for tonight, she thought. Not that I'm a bully or anything tipsy! I *do** seem able to make ponies feel at peace though, but ponies seem to like it. Peace is peaceful.* If there was anypony in Equestria who enjoyed peace, it was Fluttershy. Although every once in awhile, such as nights like tonight, getting wild was half the fun.

"And I wanna know what you have planned for us, Rarity, and what's the deal with you thinking that Twilight and Dashie should hook up?" Pinkie said. She too, had been mellowed out from her calzone and contained can of Mooster. Those silly fillies and their bottled energy, Fluttershy thought. Twilight told me once about her theory on Pinkie Pie and caffeine. Something about... oh I can't remember. She'd have to ask Twilight about it later.

Rarity tapped her forehooves gently on the table, letting out a quiet sigh. “What I meant to say was that as Rainbow Dash is the most... experienced of us. Twilight should seek her advice on how to handle herself when flirting, with careful observation from the rest of us. Careful, observation.” The other Elements nodded their heads gently in understanding. Rarity leaned back for a moment, filing a hoof as she took a bite of her salad. “In return, I think Fluttershy and I can help you over the weeks find someone more long term for you, Dash. Don’t you agree?”

Rainbow was positively blooming with delight. She wasn't exactly well known for her ability to hide her satisfaction with something. A swishing, excited tail that was a solid six colored spectrum of look-at-me didn't help either. And she's so adorable like that too! Fluttershy hummed internally. “So I get to help Twilight score, you’ll help me find a better pony then Tessie, I get free food, and this is mostly happening tonight!?” Rarity nodded, a squee emitting from Rainbow Dash’s muzzle in delight. She twitched at the high pitched sound, despite the rest of the Elements grinning at the Dash's joy. “Oh my gosh, that is totally awesome!” The pegasus wrapped a wing firmly around Twilight. “Oh my gosh I am gonna find the colt for you!”

“Or mare,” Rarity added.

“Or ma-hey wait a minute,” Dash said, flicking an ear. “I’m not gonna force anything on Twi’. Just cause my nimbus blows in all directions doesn’t mean hers does.”

Twilight was colored more akin to the soup she was formerly drinking than her own lavender. Her wars folded by the sides of her muzzle in shyness. “W-w-well, as Rarity said earlier, one should love a pony on their heart,” she nervously chuckled. “Not to mention we do have wonderfully curved... posteriors.”

“Now, Twi’, that’s nothin’ to be ashamed about,” Applejack said, tipping her hat sagely. “As if the rest of y’all don’t have barn doors that swing both ways. Or hay, most mares in Equestria.”

“Woah woah woah, us?” Pinkie gasped. “Excuse me, who’s the one who rolled in the hay with that girl from the Neightherlands last year in Bayston?”

“That doesn't count!” Applejack whinnied, slamming her forehooves onto the table. “She raped me! I may be strong, but she was a borderline rhino!”

“Umm, I hate to correct you, Applejack,” Fluttershy said, tapping her forehooves together nervously, “but you were neighing really, really loudly, and that was from across the motel. I had to sleep in the park.” Sure Granny Smith doesn't like that, but Applejack should know she’s safe with us.

Her thoughts clearly were not conveying themselves to the earth mare in question. “I was drunk ‘n had a hit of reefer, I couldn't speak properly! Y’all know I was cryin’ afterwards!” It was a fantastic defense.

"Like, please," Pinkie chirped, resulting in a grin from Rainbow. "We were all like, 'Applejack, what are you doing with that marefriend of yours,’ and all we could hear was-" Pinkie's tongue and lips merged to form a slurping, bubbling gurgle of sounds half drooling from her mouth, cascading into a chorus of chuckles from the other Elements. Fluttershy too, was repressing pent up snorts at how flustered Applejack was that morning after. Oh my gosh, she was *completely** gone! It was adorable! She could barely stand and was just so clumsy!*

 Applejack snorted air from her nose, not amused in the least as her forehooves folded in front of her chest. "Here I am, tryin' to be helpful, and I get made fun of for havin' a good time last year." The sharp ruby that exploded over her face wasn’t helped by the way her eyes darted about in panic. Her poker face was legendary. "W-w-wait I mean-"

"Oh ho ho, you had more than that by the 'after action report' you did!" Rainbow said, her voice cracking as she fell backwards onto the ground in squealing cackles of sadistic bliss.

“I... I should have sent Celestia a report about it,” Twilight choked, barely able to speak. Her neck had given up trying to support her head, muzzle resting on the table as she pounded a hoof on its surface. Her breathing barely held in check at their first New Year's Eve party out of town. “D-d-dear Celestia, Applejack today learned about the beauty of being open minded. S-s-sometimes, different cultures do-" She couldn't finish, falling over onto her back as the entire restaurant stared at the six mares - or five with one very pissed looking one - going ballistic.

Applejack sputtered as her friends broke out into gales of laughter, giving each and every one of them a dark stare from her green eyes. It didn't stop the laughing. “Oh damn all of you to Tartarus ‘n get fondled by billy goats. I like strong mares. Kiss my round flank cheeks.”

They had all needed the burst of euphoria. Fluttershy could not help herself but join in, something that would've made her catatonic only two years ago. We all can laugh at ourselves, as Pinkie would say. Around friends, we all can open up and enjoy ourselves. “It’s okay, Applejack,” Fluttershy giggled. She hovered over to the pouting Applejack, wrapping a forehoof around her side supportively. “You don’t need to take it so hard. It’s not like tonight one of us won't do something we won't laugh at. It'll most likely be me too.” And there's nothing wrong with that. I am a silly filly at times.

“I think... I think that’s what I needed, and that was to pull a muscle laughing.” Rainbow Dash cooed drunkenly as she pushed herself up back onto her seat, wiping away the budding tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “I also think I need a pony who wasn't a plothole like Tesla. She was super kinky, but she reminded me too much of Gilda; or really old me; or Applejack hurt about her love of freshly spread, Germaney mare butter.”

Applejack could not help but spread the smallest of smiles from the corners of her fiery cheeks. "W-well she tasted as good as she looked, but damn she chipped a tooth when I tried her." The smile grew with every passing second. "I got'er good with my thighs around her neck though afterwards."

It was Fluttershy who broke the six again. "R-r-revenge tastes so cidery sweet?" she whispered. Dash cried out in painful joy as the reckless laughter continued, soon enough cascading in the oak table being pounded and kicked by mares lost in hysteria. Oh my gosh! I said something funny, sober! Oh my gosh I'm putting that in my diary! She squeed loudly inside of her own head. It was a life accomplishment worthy of note.

"P-p-please you two," Twilight panted, resting her snout on the table, "I'm... I'm dying. That was... the funnest three days of my life! We have to do something like that again!" Her eyes stared wildly into space, letting out a content sigh at the memories. They were memories that would have made her either puke or ponder genocide only three years ago. Her friends were lovely company.

"Oh my gosh we totally do!" Pinkie rumbled, bouncing onto and on top of her seat. "Oh my gosh, I was so tipsy but is it my fault that Bayston lager is so tasty-no it isn't!" Pinkie oinked out rolling, pulsating giggles from her muzzle. "Oh horsies... I was so sore the morning after! Gobbling is so much fun. Why am I so good at it?"

Rainbow Dash wrapped a forehoof around Pinkie's side. "Lots, and lots, of practice, Pinkie. I can admit, I take second place to you on that."

Rarity couldn't keep herself from both tittering and blushing at the memories. Even she needed a break from it all from time to time. Or a lot of the time, if one knew her dramatic flare up issues. She leaned forward scandalously, letting a prideful smile spread across her muzzle. "But you all had to admit the stallion I got from Stablehelm was nothing short of hot," she rumbled. "He was the kind of a colt that would not last around Ponyville; not with me around, at least."

"Uhh, duh?" Rainbow growled huskily, her wings twitching delightfully. "Did you see his plot? Reminds me a lot about myself, if I was, ya know, from Scandineighvia."

"Oh I saw more than that, I just didn't tell you about it," Rarity rumbled to the envious moans of her friends. "Let's just say... oh no, I promised I would not tell!"

"Truth or Dare question tonight!" Pinkie clopped her forehooves together excitedly. "I'm so glad Celestia didn't know we went there. That... wouldn't be good."

Twilight groaned at the thought of it, rolling her eyes to banish it to the recesses of her mind. "I think that's perhaps the biggest understatement anyone of us has ever made, ever." She sat back up in her seat, pulling her mane back into place with a quick thrum of magic. "The last thing I want is for her to get into my sex life. Shining does that enough, as do my parents. And, it seems, you all." She chuckled dryly. "Guess it comes with being me, doesn't it?"

Rainbow drank her mug of water swiftly, coughing at the air trapped in her lungs. "Sorry we just want you to have like, the best life ever, Twilight. Horrible isn't it? The unicorn kept her expression at smug indifference, Dash winking playfully at her. "So,” Dash continued with a loud clop of her forehooves, “back to sex."

"I'm shocked again," Rarity hummed.

"You started it," Dash replied, sticking out her tongue. "Why are Scandineighvian's so hot? Hey. He's all I can think about right now, thanks to you, Rarity."

"Well, they live in a cold place, and that shrinks things, so they get big things down there, to compensate when it gets warm!" Pinkie reasoned. "Well, okay, that doesn't explain everything else, and that doesn't mean everything, but I mean, otherwise, how would farm ponies breed?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Applejack asked flatly. "I'm... not sure if I should be angry, or confused. I think I'm both."

Rainbow raised a forehoof. "It means that ya need something sturdy to fill ya. You know, big stallions ‘n stuff. Size counts for farm ponies. Not that I'm a size queen. W-they just have, uhh... aero... dynamics? "

"Are you callin' me loose, thunder thighs?" Applejack blew out a trundle of steam from the end her muzzle, leaning forward to glare at Rainbow Dash.

“No, Jackie,” Pinkie added, “she’s saying that if ya did non-Germaney ponies they’d most likely fall out cause-ohh...”

Applejack smacked her tail on the ground, her dense blonde hair having a resounding thud on the cobblestone. “I let ya prod at my hay life, but callin’ my gate broken in from plush pink lips and bulging blue behind just doesn't cover it.”

“Hey, I just meant you guys like big packages! And I do have thunder on my thighs,” Rainbow said. “Size isn’t a big deal for me as long as it’s averageish. Just sayin’ earth ponies need... uhh... oh... shit.”

Fluttershy squeaked softly. Her silence wasn't helping the situation. Nor was the talking about sex. That, was clearly the issue, and she wasn't an expert on that subject. Still, the last thing Ponyville needed was Applejack and Rainbow Dash fighting each other over sexual insults. In public. Over a misunderstanding. It tended to happen a lot. “Calm down you two,” Fluttershy said sweetly. “It was all fun and games. R-right, Pinkie Pie?”

“Yeah, but that wasn't nice!” Pinkie pouted, sticking out her bottom lip. “It’s just a joke, Jackie."

“Come now, there’s no reason to be so bullheaded, dears,” Rarity said, smiling sweetly to her fillyfriends. “Save the insults for when we only remember them in the morning.”

“Rainbow’s plothole is bullheaded,” Applejack muttered, blowing a loose strand of blonde mane from her eyes.

Four mares glared at her, their eyes turning into slits at the comment. It was all that needed to be said.

“Wow, mature,” Twilight said. "Glad to see we can handle this like adults."

Fluttershy, simply didn't know what to do. Any peace she had was replaced by her stuttering, bumbling indecisiveness. “Umm, girls,” Fluttershy whispered, “can we-”

“Sheesh you said it-” Pinkie began, only to be interrupted by a hovering, snorting Rainbow.

"Can we leave my butthole out of this, I was born that way! I'm having a love life crisis here, AJ, and Twilight needs a good pony for her first. The last thing I need is to be paranoid about how my airstrip looks when I’m helpin’ her. Sorry mine gets me more than ponies whose names are a fruit or a metal.” If Applejack had damaged the mood in the room, Rainbow Dash had destroyed it into a million pieces. She was good at that.

“Incoming,” Rarity whistled.

Okay, just let them fight it out, and everything will be alright. Fluttershy quietly sighed to herself. Stopping an Applejack and Rainbow fight without Twilight shoving them apart was akin to stopping Rainbow and Pinkie Pie from doing something insane; you simply didn’t know either of the three mares involved.

Pinkie Pie blinked rapidly in amusement, slurping on her Mooster as loudly as possible. “Boy, that escalated quickly.”

Applejack pressed her forehooves onto the table, doing everything but tipping it over as she dug into the wood, standing herself up. “Oh buck you, Rainbow, you may be a sarcastic little twit-”

“-thanks for the confidence boost apple hoofer-”

"-yer welcome, but I care for ya girl, despite all the jokin' around we do and you know that, even when you’re a puffy green fart cloud. I love ya in a sisterly, non-incest related way, so that’s why I’m so defensive of you ‘n things, and that’s why you shouldn’t make fun of me when I’m tryin’ to be decent. So don’t poke fun of yer older sister... protecting... you.” She paused to reflect on her words. The farmer bit her bottom lip in thought, constructing her next sentence slowly. “I... I knew you were planning on somethin' there, so I had to close that door ahead of time from the incest joke. Or... somethin’."

Rainbow broke down into a series of choking snorts. “Nice job keepin’ up with the alpha mare insults, AJ; good job keepin’ cool. A for effort.”

Applejack huffed out chuckles in return. “Well my lips aren’t as practiced as yours.”

“I take that as a compliment I can please ponies who come near me,” Rainbow preened, landing back down on her seat. "Might not be quite as good as Pinkie, but I'd say I leave them satisfied customers."

Pinkie bounced contently in seat, spinning around in delight. “Wee! Everything went better than expected! Whew! I thought this would be a fight, aren’t I glad-”

“Well ya know what they say, RD,” Applejack smirked, “loose lips sink airships.”

Twilight winced. “Or... not.”

No! We had this under control! Why is this rarely an issue when they are intoxicated?

Because they don’t stay angry long drunk, or, not as much as often! We have to do something!

Her yellow fur felt sweat dripping down her skin, watching what was once a controlled orchestra of harmony turn into a battle between an electric guitar and furious fiddle. But what? she asked herself. She came up blank.

Rainbow burst across the table with a crack of air behind her, pressing her muzzle firmly into Applejack's. “Loose, lips?! Excuseme, gunta. I’m the second tightest here, Flapplejack.”

“I donot flap," Applejack growled, pushing her snout into Rainbow's.  "But with what ya got under yer tail yer butthole flaps, ponies just don’t tell ya about it.”

“I present to you a mare who has her own business, ladies and gentlecolts,” Rarity hummed, filing her hooves once again casually.

Fluttershy whimpered in defeat, leaning into Rarity submissively, her aqua eyes looking up at Rarity’s own. “S-s-should I Stare them? I don’t want to go that far but-”

“There, there, Fluttershy,” Rarity cooed, kissing Fluttershy's forehead. “Rarity has this taken care of. Don't you worry about it. Let them fight it out for a bit longer, and everything will be alright.”

"Arion’s piss, AJ, I knew you kissed dirt but do you like my tailhole that much?” Rainbow’s tail flicked angrily behind herself. “You should've told me since you see it all the time tryin’ to catch me. Wanna give it a kiss? Show Twilight how it’s done?”

“Okay, that, is kinda hot!” Pinkie beamed. "I'd pay to see that!"

“I have a headache at the stupidity of my friends,” Twilight whined. “Why don’t you all just get toys and relax? Do I have to do a ex-” Her face flushed a blaring red as that thought crossed her mind, covering her snout.

Rarity stroked Twilight's shoulder gently, giving her cheek a light kiss. “There, there, I’ll make this all better soon. Just you watch. And you can count me out on that ‘gala’ gleefully. Sorry, Twilight.”

The two bickering Elements kept on bickering, which was a shock to noone watching the scene, including every table around them. “I don’t need to kiss your pegapucker when you’ll be chewin' on mud,” Applejack spat. “Because I’ll show you thunderfart how much gas is inside yer behind when I kick it!”

Rarity slammed her trimmed forehooves on the table, her eyelashes curled to look like scimitars. She stood up on her hind legs, tail stuck up in a coiled spiral of channeled fury. Tartarus had no fire like the icy core of Rarity’s sapphire eyes beaming diamond wrath on her foes.

“I swear to Vogue,” she began, “thatI will mud wrestle Applejack for you Rainbow Dash, and that is a Pinkie Pie Promise, if you both sit down, listen to what I have planned and me trying to make tonight the best, night, ever, and shut, the fuck, up!”

Silence. Not a sound was heard from the table, nor the tables around it, nor the restaurant, nor the whole street surrounding them. Everypony stopped and looked not in anger, but in fear. Fear of the marble unicorn. She wasn’t panting, or seething in anger, but the arctic ice hissing from her chilled orbs spoke of rage unseen; it spoke of vengeance repressed for eons, using the brief moments of explosive release to open up the doors to her teeming, chilled inferno. They didn’t even need to be visible. Her posture alone had transcended the levels of even the Stare. No one was cowering. It was as if time had stopped, and all eyes were on her, ready to do as she commanded.

Rarity didn't seem to care. Rarity didn't care about the aura of raw power escaping from her coat and the trickling magic sending faint, misty due around her form. Fluttershy was not scared herself; no, she was in awe. Was this how ponies felt under her own gaze? Did she command something near this level of intimation?

“That, is better,” Rarity whispered, slowly sinking herself down on her chair, twirling her fork through her salad as a soldier would with a dagger on their hoof. Her coat was slightly damp from the residue magic that gleamed cool water down her frame, and yet it only added to both her beauty, and her allure of charisma.

“I am only going to say this once,” Rarity said. Slowly the world seemed to return to life. No colt or mare dared to call her out on her anger. The thoughts of having a second round be returned would be agony itself. “I recently came up with this, but as you all know, unlike Rainbow, and much more like wonderful Twilight, my plans are usually great ones. This one, is a fantastic one. I want to make this night the start of a series of events that will truly, change our lives for the better, and I have the determination and creativity to make it so.”

She pressed her forehooves together firmly, blue orbs slowly looking at the focused, beautifully colored eyes of her peers. “So let me speak, and we shall do it, and I shall let you all go back to your buffoonery and I may join you soon enough. Any questions?”

Five heads collectively shook their snout.

“Good.”

Chapter Six: Crusade To Get Laid

"Six, mares, suck."

Spike kicked a rock as he walked toward the Cutie Mark Crusaders' tree house. It was a good thing he could easily trick Owlowiscious into guarding the library for him today; he wasn't in any mood to hold down the book fort, as Twilight had ruined his desire to do so. The owl too, much like himself, was easily bribed by food. Insects and mice happened to do the trick. It disgusted Twilight, and it added only another job that the dragon was required to do. And all she does, is sit on her plot, and study, and do whatever she wants to do, he thought.

"What about you, Spike? Would youlike to go hang out with my girlfriends today?" He could hear how excited Twilight's voice sounded, egging him on in his mind with a playful swish of her tail and excitement gleaming in her glowing eyes.

"Would I!? I don't care if we're going on an adventure or seeing a movie or just sitting around talking! I would love to Twilight! I just love learning about what you all do. I'm ready when you are! I promise not to try to be like Rainbow Dash, honest."

The unicorn nickered haughtily at her younger brother. "Adults, only,Spike. Maybe when you're older."

"But I am older!" he cried. "I'm half a hoof taller since we've come to Ponyville!"

"When, you, are older." With a fizzling snap of air compressing around her, Twilight Sparkle left Spike's mind only that much more annoyed than it was already.

"Damn it, Twilight, don't you remember I cleaned your bed when you used to whizz yourself?" He reached down with a claw and dug his teeth into the rock in his hand, smashing it to pieces between serrated edges of masculine destruction. "Do you have any idea how bad that smells with all the junk food you eat? I was a baby so I get a free pass, but you did it up until you were eleven." And she wondered how he had matured so quickly.

He was thankful he didn't take the main road, or any road for that matter. Every step he took he felt like kicking something, and about every hundred or so, he did. The dragon mumbled curse words that he both knew and didn't know. She wasn't here to hear them, and he needed to vent to himself and not be caught. He could never yell at Twilight unless she did something he didn't find morally right. And since they almost always agreed...

"Horse apples and pony poop," Spike mumbled, drudging across the lightly tree sprinkled plains between Ponyville and the Apple Farm. So far, he hadn't been caught, so clearly Fate was on his side for the moment. If he could bribe Fate, he would. Given a couple hundred years he was sure they'd come up with a deal as his hoard grew. Fate was greedy when enough money was thrown its way.

Thankfully, he was able to go the whole way to the tree house unmolested, except for the faint taunts of his older sister in his head. You know, what if they aren't there? I never thought of that. Crap. Once more, providence was currently giving him its divine sanction as he reached the tree house. The chipper sounds of three young fillies pondering their next insane ploy that should of killed them - or sent them to therapy - echoed in his ears. He sighed happily to himself in that sure, the ponies could get on the nerves of every living being within a ten mile radius, but for the moment, they would offer him the comfort he needed.

Unless they didn't, in which case Spike would heavily consider eating a lot of apples to fix his weary, painful soul by filling his stomach until he wanted to puke. He had the worst personality traits in the world.

"-we don't have Sunday school like some ponies do in Roma," Scootaloo's slightly gravelly voice said. I hope she never picks up smoking, Spike chuckled to himself, because she'd sound like one of those lip sticked mares in Canterlot, who look like they've been abused. Why doesn't anypony help them? Twilight said they've done bad things, but police brutality? The guards in Canterlot are usually so nice! Except the ones without the armor, they tend to be bullies.

"My sister wouldn't want me worshippin' Celestia like a deity anyways," Applebloom said. "Granny likes us ta keep to the old Earth pony gods, even though they've been kinda shy."

"Rarity worships Iron Chef and Amareican Pickers!" Sweetie Belle chirped. “She’s an amazing cook, and I think I’m gonna take after her and maybe be a chef one day!"

She loves to cook too? Spike was practically purring in his chest at the thought of baking something with Rarity, his talons gently stroking down her finely lotioned sides as the smells of wonderfully spiced vegetables and her shampoo rolled to the back of his brain. He pulled himself up toward the fort, more than content for the moment to listen on the conversation of three wild fillies talking without his presence known. It satisfied a stalker side of him that he didn't even really know he had. Draconic urges died hard. Or were just repressed.

In reality, Sweetie Belle’s compatriots decided not to comment on her cooking. The less that was said about it, the better. "Tell me about it," Applebloom groaned, "AJ and her can go on for hours about 'dem pickers; and when Twilight joins ‘em I just wanna bang my head into a door."

Spike poked his head above the window of the fort to simply watch the fillies laying around and not destroying anything for once, discussing television, and focusing on the current. Rarity could always wait for his night dreams. Twilight never shuts up about Pawn Stars. It's like she's testing herself on useless knowledge. He pondered to himself. Well, it's more useful than most of the books she reads anyways.

Scootaloo folded her forehooves behind her head casually, huffing at her two best friends, laying down idly on her back. “Rainbow Dash doesn't watch any of those stupid shows. And she has the best TV in all of Ponyville county! Huge fifty inch flat screen. It’s killer.”

“I’m sure you know that pretty well, Scootaloo,” Applebloom hummed, stroking her own tail deviously. “Since ya more likely were in her lap watchin’ somethin’.”

“She does like to pet you a lot,” Sweetie pondered, stroking her chin in thought. “Are you... a pet to her? Can I... pet you? Do you kick your hind hooves if I rub your stomach?”

Crimson quickly complimented the dull napalm colored fur of the pegasus. She pulled herself upright on reflex. “W-w-what!? She just does it cause it relaxes the muscles, and so what if I watch movies with her? My dad doesn’t care!”

“Oh he’d care if she treated ya like yer her foal, which she does.” Applebloom was positively blooming with glee at putting Scootaloo in a corner, watching her friend’s small wings rapidly flutter in shyness and embarrassment.

“She does not you dork, and I’m not a pet, Belle, I just like being next to her! A-a-anyways, she likes really cool stuff like martial art films and thrillers, when she’s not doing something amazing.”

“Or watching Anime,” Spike added.

“Or Anime-hey wait, no she doesn’t!” Scootaloo barked at Spike. “Rainbow would never watch cartoons anymore! She’s not six!”

He hopped through the window easily enough, landing on the floor of the tree house with a confident smile. “Really? Hey Scootaloo, who’s Twilight's younger brother?”

She twitched her wings rapidly. “Y-y-you?”

He nodded. “Uh-huh. Now, who knows a bunch of Twilight’s secrets?”

“Y-y-you?”

“And who would know what friends Twilight enjoys doing what with?”

“Y-y-you?”

He plopped himself down on the wooden floor with a smug grin. “Well I Pinkie Pie Promise that Rainbow Dash, loves Anime; they both got into it together, and I know you watch it with her.”

Scootaloo stood up with another wisping flicker of her wings, glaring at the smirking faces around her. “S-s-so yeah I do! It’s cool! Shut up! You’re all jealous cause she’s warm and soft and hot and-”

“We knew you had a crush on her!” Applebloom and her fellow Crusader in insulting arms fell over squealing in laughter, kicking their hooves in the air with foal like delight.

Wow, I feel right at home here! Man, maybe I should hang around these girls more, when they aren’t doing something crazy, or maybe even then! Thatwould be killer. To think, that all he needed was his little circle of friends; he was as coiled up as Twilight was at times, and to have a pressure valve to creak open would be fantastic.

"Hey, don't feel bad about it, Scootaloo," Spike said gently, poking the muzzle tip of the softly growling pegasus. “If it makes ya feel better, I got a secret on Applebloom. Let’s say it’s... a payment for sneaking in the tree house.”

All three of the Crusaders turned their eyes toward Spike, blinking as the entities of chaos that they were. “Come on,” he continued, “you made fun of her, and that’s what friends do! Besides, you all know if there’s any pony out there who every pony finds sexy, it’s Rainbow Dash.”

With her wings spread and a glowing smile of victory on her face, Scootaloo flicked her tail in triumphant joy. “See!?”

“W-hat’s... sexy, and what secret’s do ya have on me? Oh no, please, Spike, don’t make me wanna cry,” Applebloom pouted, her bottom lip quivering.

He waved a claw dismissively at the earth filly. “It won’t be that bad, it’s just about the time you were reciting a poem you wrote during the reunion last year, and you happened to have done it... from another mouth, if I may be polite.” Rarity, can’t you see our tongues are meant to be together? The irony of fart humor and Rarity simply didn't connect in his mind, despite said mare enjoying a sprinkling of it when aptly seasoned.

Applebloom flailed about in panic as her friends fell over in gay laughter. “I-I-It was the baked beans! I can’t resist ‘em! The sauce was thick and I-”

“Nice going, Appleblurt.” Scootaloo had degraded into tear jerking hysterics, rolling around on the floor while Applebloom pouted up at Spike. He rolled eyed at her claims of unfair treatment. Maybe, just maybe, he had a darker side to him that Twilight had awoken through repressing his freedom of movement. Or maybe he was just a dragon. He could get away with it though, because he was damn cute. And sexy, he rumbled to himself.

“You asked for it, Applebloom,” Spike nodded. “You know it’s true.”

“Y... you guys are so mean to each other!” Sweetie Belle giggled. “I just can’t do it! I love you two too much!”

With a deep groan, Scootaloo wrapped a forehoof around Applebloom, patting her head with a wing as if the earth mare was uranium she was required to touch. “And I... love you too-just never tell Rainbow I said that.”

Applebloom perked up quickly, squeezing the life out of Scootaloo almost to a T, resulting in a gurgling choke that was only made worse by the unicorn joining in on the free hugs. “I love ya too, Scootaloo,” Applebloom nickered. “Just cause we butt heads and head butts doesn’t mean we don’t love each other!”

“Cutie Mark Crusader superhug!” Sweetie Belle squealed as she joined in on the hug, clearly to the gagging disgust of Scootaloo.

Scootaloo's eyes spoke volumes. See what I have to put up with?

Oh you know you love it, Spike’s eyes replied.

...Damn it, Scootaloo’s eyes said submissively. “So, uhh, what does sexy exactly mean? All I know is that it’s a compliment, and it fits Rainbow, so I have to know what means!”

“Sexy is what Rarity wants to make everypony.” Sweetie Belle jumped on top of the Crusaders’ podium. “How all of those mares and colts look in those magazines of hers. It’s all about moving your flanks a bunch while not falling over, and making it look natural. How you stand and act and dress and stuff! I’m not sure Rainbow fits the clothing part, but she does have the hips and the attitude. It’s why you have a crush on her, Scootles!”

And so does Rarity. Mmm... Spike's thoughts once again wandered in a direction that he both wanted and didn't want them to wander too. Was it his fault that Rarity was as attractive as she was? Just the way she fluttered her eyelids broke hearts. His heart could be broken a thousand times by her, and he would stare at her just for one more look.

“What are you a stalker and your sister?” Scootaloo growled at Sweetie Belle. "When did you know so much about fashion?"

“And you don't do that ta Dasha?” Applebloom said.

“How can I stalk a mare who invites me to her house, boob head?”

Applebloom leaped forward, pressing her muzzle into the pegasus' as the two mares began to argue, much like their older counterparts did. “I don’t got no boob on my head!”

The snide smile that spread across Scootaloo's face would of made her mentor proud. “Yeah, but you will with how big Applejack’s are. They’ll totally bend around your crotch and hit you in the head when you walk,” Scootaloo snorted, resulting in a dark laugh from Spike. Oh my gosh they just...

For only the shortest flash of a second, Spike pondered about intervening. About doing what his sister would do. Breaking up fights before they exploded was a trait that Twilight had learned well since moving to Ponyville, and Spike had begun to master it himself.

Nah. That would've ruined half the fun. Rainbow Dash would've been proud of him. Dash would of been proud of the chaos. She was a good libertarian-anarchist like that.

“My sister can’t help what mama gave her," Applebloom snorted, prodding Scootaloo in the chest with the hardest end of her forehoof. "And they aren’t that big, and mine won’t be either, butt pecker!”

The argument had broken down to Scootaloo and Applebloom pressing their snouts together, shoving each other physically with every insult and retort. “At least I won’t need to use that ribbon to hold your knockers together!” Scootaloo neighed, blow out air from the end of her muzzle.

“How... I’m trying to picture this, and I can’t.” Sweetie Belle folded her ears. “Why is my brain so awful at pictures?” Her muzzle collapsed on the podium as she pulled herself down, lost in her brain's inability to visualize just about anything most things.

The fight didn't seem like stopping anytime soon. “Oh yea?" Applebloom huffed smugly. "At least I don’t brown nose Rainbow Dash, cause that’s why yer coat looks like dried up pig slop!”

“Well Rainbow’s smells nicer than Applejack’s anyways!” Scootaloo stomped a forehoof on the floor resolutely, spreading her wings at winning the battle of words.

Silence filled the room. Three pairs of eyes slowly looked at each other, before setting a confused and interested gaze on the pegasus. Scootaloo looked between her friends - and the half defending her dragon - in bemusement. “What? It’s true,” she said.

Applebloom was the first to speak, raising a forehoof. “W-w-why were you sniffin’ my sister?”

“Y-yeah they both kinda smell gross," Sweetie Belle shivered. "Rarity does too back there, o-only cause I’ve bumped into her before!” she covered for herself.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Spike casually said, wrapping a paw around Scootaloo protectively. “No, really, it isn’t. In fact, if anything, Scootaloo here is most mature of all of you.”

“Aww yeah!” Scootaloo squeed. “You two just got owned.”

Spike idly stroked down Scootaloo's back, letting his talons trace down her spine, feeling the grooves that wormed there way done her body. She shivered softly in content at the unique feeling of claws tracing down her frame. He didn't even realize he was doing it. “They sure did, and let me explain. Ponies sniff around the posteriors of other ponies they like when they reach adulthood, but it’s much more subtle in public and considered very rude, so Scootaloo didn't own you two there.”

Each of the Crusaders eyed each other in bewilderment before Spike continued on his hypothesis. “Where she did own you though, was in that she’s way ahead of you on developing this, like Rainbow was. She, is on the quest - although this is just speculation on my part - to get, laid."

The three fillies looked at each other for a few moments, blinking slowly in comprehension.

“But... isn't laying down how we sleep?” Applebloom asked, scratching the back of her head.

“Y-yeah I’m pretty good at just laying around,” Scootaloo said, flicking her tail.

“I’m not,” Sweetie Belle said dejectedly, looking at the floor. She scoffed at the wood, folding her ears sadly. “I get really bad back and side pain, and my mattress is too stiff. Rarity won’t get me another one, even though her perfume is expensive! It isn’t fair!”

Is this what Twilight feels like around me? “I mean get laid with another pony!” Still, confusion graced the cheeks of the Crusaders, plopping themselves down onto their hindquarters. “Uhh... laying down together? Rainbow Dash likes that a lot if you all having noticed.” He groaned in a manner Twilight would surely approve of. “Walking in a way to get really close to another pony? Laying with them? Do I have to spell this out?”

“B-but Big Mac lets me lay beside ‘im all the time,” Applebloom said. “Like, really. After a days work an’ after dinner, I just lean into him for an hour as he reads his books ‘n he tells me how much he loves me ‘n Applejack does it too. Honest! So... did I get laid? I didn’t have to do no sexyfying.”

“And Rarity let’s me do it even when she’s groaning the whole time!” Sweetie Belle flicked her tail. “Except when I’m crying, then she stops groaning and tells me how lovely I am, and I don’t think she’s joking then either...”

“Dash and Dad do that too,” Scootaloo said, preening with confidence as her wings spread by her side. “Dad is usually tired, but Rainbow, like, totally lets me nuzzle into her and smell her coat, and oh man she’s as soft as she looks, except for the totally awesome muscles she has underneath. I just rub my muzzle through her side and lick at her fur, and it makes her giggle. She treats me like-” Scootaloo stopped, three pairs of eyes wide and staring at her. “Okay, holy crap I have a crush on her, but it’s not like an Apple family crush, cause we aren’t related!”

“My family is not incestouspous!” Applebloom growled, gently shoving the pegasus. “I hate how everypony says that! We just try to keep it to fellow Fruits is all! Keeps the cutie marks ‘pure’ as Granny says. Ever since that feud in the 1800’s with the Tungsten’s.”

Spike threw his claws in the air. They needed a prime example. “Like how I want to play Titanic music, take Rarity to a nice dinner, stroke her and then show her what a dragon tongue can do getting laid!” All three of the fillies looked up at the dragon in raw shock, their eyes saucers of shock and awe.

All Spike could do, was sigh deeply to himself. Well... buck. It was the best word he could think of to describe everything. Twilight would’ve grounded him for years if he ever said that aloud.

Of course, shecould say it if a book slammed on her knee or she hit a leg on a corner, which she did and several other words Rainbow used casually. Twilight being vocally pure? Spike knew that his sister, despite having a vocabulary that nearly reached a hundred thousand words, decided sometimes to use a lexicon you didn’t use in public. But that’s okay for her, right?

Sometimes, she could be a real bitch. Yeah, Twilight, I knowwhat those words mean.

“S-s-so is that... what special someponies do?” Sweetie Belle whispered.

“Yes,” Spike said tiredly. “Special someponies make out, and snuggle. That, is called getting laid. Or, you don’t even need to be special someponies; you can go to clubs and just do it for a day. And you know what? They are doing that tonight, and they are drinking.” He folded his arms, blowing out a cloud of smoke from the end of his muzzle. “It isn’t fair to us. They treat us like babies."

“It isn't!” Applebloom shouted. “I’m gonna steal us some Apple Alcohol, and we’re gonna get tipsy and twanky, and we’re gonna do what Dasha and AJ and them other girls and colts do. We, are gonna get laid! Cause I wanna have a fun time!”

Scootaloo shot up into the air with a rapid pulse of her wings, before landing on the ground, smiling like an idiot. “Aww yeah! Let’s find us some colts to kiss and share cider with! We’ll get laid, and tipsy, and have a great time, and talk about it at school tomorrow when our sisters are still havin’ their heads poundin’. We’ll be totally the talk of the school!”

“Oh my gosh that sounds amazing!” Sweetie Belle cantered in place, letting out incoherent sounds of raw bliss at the idea. “We’ll just say to Cheerilee that we all got headaches from hitting our heads doing logging or something!”

“Genius!” Applebloom and Scootaloo squeed.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Laid... er... nators yay!”

Spike prodded all three of the fillies on their nose tips. “Only, if I can come too. You three need a guy to help convince the other guys how cool you are.” And you all can help me find a filly who Rarity will begme to reconsider for her. Rarity was always, the end goal of every single plan Spike would ever conceive of.

Hehehe. Spike, was pleased by his own genius.

Chapter Seven: Chromatic Confessions And Orange Orders

"I just can't do it, AJ."

One thing was for sure: after what Rarity did, it was time for some early drinks.

There was still plenty of time in the day to do what Rarity had planned, but for the afternoon, Applejack and Rainbow needed to process exactly, what was going on, again. Rarity's force of will stunned all of them.

Today was truly, a very different day, and it called for different tactics. The ups and downs had begun to drain the both of them, and the solution was simple: mead. What better drink to have with a best friend to wind down and simply enjoy the moment? The two mares trusted each other to the death, despite their exterior grudges. Only the fellow Elements knew how they really ticked. And even then, not quite.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash had returned to the Apple Farm in order to give themselves a bit of a cool down. Even Applejack had to admit that what had happened was a lot to process. It had clearly taken a toll on the pegasus.

Both of the Elements laid on the hay behind the second floor barn door, sipping spiced and sweet Apple mead that oozed of sweet honey. "What's nippin' at your wings, Rainbow?" Applejack said.

Dash shrugged softly, letting out a grunt as she sipped her drink. She didn't even realize that she was leaning into Applejack's side for support. The farmer didn't seem to mind, nor did she.

Applejack wrapped an arm around Rainbow's side, dragging her forehoof smoothly through her friend's thick coat. Alcohol, affection, and shade visibly mellowed out Rainbow, her magenta eyes eyeing her friend with a more mellow glow. "Come on now," Applejack said, "Ya really need to let what Tessie did to ya go. You barrel it all up, Dasha, and it's not good for ya. What ya looked like this morning ain't a mouse fart to a tornado compared ta what ya look like now. Ya might not show it, but I can feel it, girl."

"It's... more than her," Dash said quietly. "But she's part of the problem. I suck that much at hiding when somethings bugging me and I've reached a breaking point, don't I?" She flicked an ear at the revelation.

Applejack smiled, reaching her arm up to ruffle it messily through her friend's chromatic mane. "Come on girl; it's not like what Rarity wants us to do is anything weird. Hay, she musta said five times the new hairdos will be reasonable." She took a firm chug of her own drink, resting her tail idly over Dash's talent tattoo. "If even Fluttershy said she's bein' too kind, I say run with it, and see what happens. Shoot, we can always tease the crap out of her if it screws up."

Rainbow drank down the final drought of her mead, letting the stein of honey spiced apple mead roll and melt on her tongue. That sweet liquor only tugged on her heart even more. Her eyes closed as she constructed the sentence in her head, barely having the strength to say it. She had to. "I lied about Shining Armor. I have a crush on Twilight."

Applejack choked on her last sip of alcohol, grabbing her own throat to force the drink down. "General Patton sent the Shermans where!?"

Dash glared at her best friend, reddish pink eyes a burning flame of emotion at Applejack's reaction. "I have, a crush, on Twilight. You don't have to be a prick about it." Her tail lashed behind herself, smacking on the wood and eventually on Applejack's back, causing her to wince. "And it's not just the 'roses are red, so are my eyes, I want my tongue between your thighs' kind of crush."

Applejack was blinking rapidly in shock, awoken by Dash bopping her on the end of her muzzle. Rainbow sighed deeply, reeling in her temper. "I want to date Twilight,” she continued, cerise orbs tiredly looking into Applejack's own. “The kind of ‘me writing her love notes and whispering in her ear’ kind of date her. Because I... think I might love her. I like so much about her. She really balances me out, even when it doesn’t look like it. I get really... warm around her." She rested her muzzle in her forehooves, staring off blankly into the distance. "I just don't know what to do."

A sharp, resounding whistle escaped from Applejack's lips. "Well, that complicates things, and explains a bunch. We're all thinkin' Rarity just wanted you to mentor her or somethin', and was really tryin’ too hard. Way too hard. Hard to guide a mare when you want her yourself. So you think she’s so forceful because she...?"

“Yeah. She really does want us to hook up." Rainbow snorted dryly. "She thinks I’m stupid, but I’m not. Sure, I didn't think she knew I had the hots for Twilight, but I've been in more relationships than Rares. You think I want to do a one night stand with Twi’ and just say it helped her? Maybe Rarity didn't think of that. Of how I'd feel about it. On being her first. Or finding her a date when I’d rather..." Dash rested her snout in her forehooves with a quiet huff.

Applejack sat up more firmly, squeezing her friend's side supportively. “So why did ya sound so... excited about helpin' her, if this ruffles your coat?”

“You think I’m gonna freakin’ burst everyponies bubble that I don’t feel right helpin’ a mare I’d rather be with myself?" Rainbow nickered away the thought dismissively. "I want her first to be a lot better than mine. A lot better than mine. Or... most of my partners, when I think about it."

“So why don’t you wanna do what Rarity is suggestin’?" Applejack asked. "You got my approval if you're thinkin’ I’m not okay with it. You’d be good to her.”

Rainbow looked up at her friend, and all the farmer saw was fear. Guilty fear and doubt dueled in her eyes. “Because I got issues from Tessie and Cloudsdale I don’t want comin’ out, and... and the last thing I want is to break down in front of her, when she needs someone stable. Cause while I'm here for you all in ten seconds flat, emotionally? I'm pretty screwed up when it comes to physical contact and trust issues. If you haven't noticed,” she chuckled meekly.

“I think this is an easy fix: Damn Tessie, and go with Twilight."

Dash's eyes went wide at the advice, her wings shooting up from her back in shock. "W-w-what?"

Applejack pat Dash gently on the head, stroking through her mane affectionately. "You heard me," she said. "Do I have ta list it for ya, Rainbow? You're loyal, playful, would protect her with yer life, make her leave that damn tree house more, you're both sarcastic twits in different ways, she'll calm ya down a bit, and you'll make her relax too. I can say for certain that if there is anypony I know who would treasure her heart, it's you, Rainbow. Even if nothin' happens, you both will feel better." She winked. "And shoot, if you think we all don't know about you and Pinkie, you're blind, Dasha."

Being caught with both Applejack's heart to heart advice and in knowing that a relationship she used to have that was supposed to be secret wasn't anymore, locked up her wings as if they were glued in place. "What are you talking about!?" Dash's voice cracked.

Applejack rolled over onto her back, cackling in the manner only she could at catching her friend flustered. "Aww, come on, Rainbow, all four of us knew months ago ya two had a roll in the mud, and decided it wasn't healthy for the long plow. I know ya two tried to keep it a secret, but, well, ya notice things."

Dash gagged loudly, sticking out her tongue in disgust. "Holy shit, I like anal but I'm not that gross, eww! Although real mud sex-"

Applejack blinked rapidly at the unexpected comment, until raw horror filled her face in understanding. "Neighty Roosevelt’s mustache, I meant sex, not scat! Jeez girl, you think in the gutter too much."

"Oh go fondle an ash plume, you're the one implying it!" Dash pushed her forehooves into her friend's chest, only to receive a shove back in return. "Hey, quit it!" she chuckled. "I got a life crisis here, stop being stupid! Although when you put it that way, I am totally lookin’ forward to you and Rares wrestling-hey!"

Rainbow let out a soft squeak as she was pulled on top of Applejack by the mare in question, unable to stop a light pink blush from etching itself across her blue muzzle. "Then stop being cute," Applejack said, "and realize that I give sound advice most of the time."

"I'm only cute when you treat me like a pet!" Dash replied, laying herself on top Applejack as if her friend were a cloud.

"Than why on Equestria are ya layin' down on top of me as if you're Winona, Dasha?" Applejack couldn't help but smile a bit sadistically, scratching her forehooves down her friend's sides.

"B-b-because it feels good and I need it? Ya know, stress relief?" Rainbow's frame wiggled itself into the forehooves half massaging her sides, sending a shiver down her spine. "You are the most molesting sister ever. I'm not shocked."

"And you're not complainin'' about it. You're such a switch in the sheets I bet," Applejack laughed, squeezing Rainbow, listening to a faint whinny of protest escape from the pegasus' muzzle. "Don't you make that sound at me, missy! I'm helpin' ya, and givin' ya sound advice, as I said."

"No comment on my positions on clouds, and sound advice? I guess so, except when you fart, then it sounds like my mind is dying." Dash retorted, prodding at her friend's hat.

Applejack swatted at her friend's hoof as if she too, was a feline. "Comin' from the girl who's butthole I now get."

Rainbow's ears folded nearly instantly at the comment, her posture slouching as she laid on top of her friend. Once more, her spirit was broken as quickly as it was healed. "I look as bad as you say I do back there don’t I?" she whimpered. "I bet ponies make fun of it, don't they? That's what I get for trying new things," she huffed, her eyes watering faintly.

"Oh, Dasha, I'm just hounding ya," Applejack replied sweetly, scratching through Rainbow's side coat. "As if I don't have 'Apple Anus Syndrome' as you like to call it." A repressed snort of laughter escaped from Dash's muzzle. "Ya see? Now it's funny isn't it?"

"Okay, I'm paranoid about my plothole," Dash replied, sticking out her tongue as she winked at Applejack. "And you look fine in the rear too, AJ. Never repeat that I said this, but... uhh... the black really compliments the orange down there. I-I-I said nothing, remember?"

"Why thank you, Rainbow Dash," Applejack blushed, her cheeks turning red and soon enough matched equally by the mare on top of her, "I woke up this mornin' and I thought to myself, 'Ya know what I need? I need my crotch color complimented.'"

Both of the mares broke out into gales of united hysterics, clinging to each other as tears began to form around their eyes. It only brought them physically closer to one another, both of them pounding the hay around them in glee.

"I... I don't think you've ever said something that funny and dry before!" Rainbow cackled, letting out a drunken coo in sedated bliss. "Holy, crap, I think I just died a little, and it was an amazing death. So I'm just gonna lay down," she began, settling herself back on top of Applejack, "and use you as a cloud. And maybe suck the warmth out of ya, cause I'm a vampire in disguise like that," she winked.

Applejack stroked through the chromatic mane on top of her deeply, watching her friend relax quickly into the grooming. Whatever snide joke Rainbow was about to make melted the moment she was stroked. "Ya like what ya like in the hay, Rainbow," Applejack continued. "Pinkie and you are the best of friends, you're the most attractive girl I know, and damn it, Twi' deserves you. If ya need an ego boost now, Rainbow, than ya got the nicest rear end I know, and that's comin' from me. Just don't tell anypony I said that, or I swear to Celestia, I'm gonna get a rope, and tie you to a fence with yer tail exposed on a windy day."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes dismissively at the threat. "Sounds like you just wanna play with me. I'd play with me."

"Damn it, don't you turn my insult around on me," Applejack growled.

"Aww," Dash nickered, squeezing her friend's cheeks, "is the yokel mad I'm smarter-stop... mmm... stroking me there." Her chromatic tail swished contently behind herself as Applejack got her sweet revenge, massaging Rainbow at the base of her neck. "Totally... cheating, you-mmm... bitch."

A shiver went down Applejack’s spine at her friend's reaction. “Winchester’s barrels, Dash, why can you be so adorable that it makes me die on the inside? Why did ya ever tell me you like being pet on the head?”

“Because I was drunk on Neighgerbomb’s and needed somepony to cuddle into me that night?” She smiled brightly down at Applejack, flicking her tail up and down on the barn floor innocently. "And you did it. Sucker," she grinned. "You're a softy too."

Applejack simply sighed, shaking her head with a soft smirk. “Speakin’ of that, why are ya so clingy after Tesla? And what happened with you ‘n Pinkers? Pinkie ‘n you would work as a couple too. Ya both can bounce everywhere, and laugh at just about everything. You’re a tough girl, so why did that rocker mare break ya so hard?”

"Pinkie and I had a fling, ‘n stuff,” Rainbow shrugged. “We learned a lot about pleasing each other. We just realized we don’t work in that way, and pulled back. It's... complicated. Didn't have that spark, I guess. No hard feelings though, and we’re the pals we say we are, honest! I learned stuff from her. Including... yeah," she nervously chuckled. Slowly, Dash exhaled, letting out that final barrier from her mind. "I just can't date Twilight, alright? Trust me on this. I'm gonna be clingy, and I need someone who can pull me back a bit. I need a pony who’s tougher and will toughen me up, too."

Applejack tilted her muzzle to the side "You think you'll really be that pushy, Rainbow?"

“Yeah,” she said. “I started having a crush on Twi’ about a year ago, and it really got big after Tessie and I broke up. Speakin’ of that, I’ll tell you why we really broke up." She adjusted herself on top of her friend, biting her bottom lip. "I didn't dump Tesla Coil because she was a bitch to me when she came back from her concerts. She dumped me, because I wanted something more than just plot. I wanted ya know... love 'n all.”

"I think that's sad, Dash, but that’s her-”

"She cheated on me multiple times," Rainbow whimpered, "and thought my 'awesomeness' just didn't fit with me wanting to maybe cuddle a bit and just be playful. Didn't even bother to say it until the end.”

Applejack shot up onto all four of her hooves with a furious neigh that sent Rainbow crawling onto her back in terror. "That, worthless, fuckin', cunt.”

Dash was in awe of her friend spitting out the one word that she would never say. Or would she, if she was in Applejack's place? Her wings laid limp beside her frame as she stared at the towering behemoth of farm labored muscle and feral rage that pulsated through Applejack's very core.

Applejack slammed a forehoof into the floorboards, completely shattering the board underneath her. Her emerald eyes gleamed venomous poison the likes of which would of made Chrysalis cower. “No skanky, two bit, metal headed shit stain, thinks she can just toy with your heart and-” Rainbow had never seen her friend like this. Applejack was quivering. The pegasus could see every vein and flexing muscle in her friend’s body begging to spring to action until it wore itself out. “Where does she live?" Applejack said it so flatly it scared Rainbow that much more.

It took nearly all of her willpower to simply open her mouth. “N-n-o-”

Rainbow Dash could see those micromovements inside of her friend's legs and calves. Applejack was doing everything she could not to tackle her and milk the information by force. “Dasha, tell me, so I can snap both of her wings, and beat her to an inch of her life. Because nopony, toys with the heart of my friends like that! I swear to Celestia, Rainbow, I’m not gonna regret hurtin’ her, and I mighty well enjoy it. You know damn well you’d be sayin’ the same thing.”

“This is what I’m talking about!” Rainbow cried, hovering in front of her friend. “You think I want to put this on Twilight?”

“That... thing put you through this.”

“And I’m the one who hasn’t got over it yet. This is my crap, not yours. I got enough of it from Flight School and Cloudsdale. You don’t have this nimbus on your shoulders, and you'd defend her like I would! You'd fight for her like that, but you don't have the stupid emo waves like I do."

Rainbow Dash landed on the floor, her legs shaking at the rush of hormones flooding her system. She looked at her friend as if she was about to never say another word ever again. "Twilight doesn’t need my problems," Rainbow whispered. "She needs somepony who doesn’t have any, who doesn’t have a hurricane behind them. Like... you.”

As quickly as the tempest of fury roared over the orange mare’s form, it melted away in a wave of shock. “M-m-me?” Applejack mumbled.

“Yeah,” Dash replied, “you.”

 Rainbow pulled herself up to gently press her muzzle into her friend’s snout, letting a jet of steam exhale from her nose, dancing between their forms. ”AJ, Jackie, I like all of you. Love, all of you.” Dash put a hoof on her friend’s lips to stop her from speaking, her cerise eyes looking up in calm peace into the emerald gems of her friend. “I have for years. It comes with who I am I guess. You’re my girls, my peps’. Maybe that’s what comes with my Element. Twilight’s tough too, but she’s never... dealt with love like this. I can’t put this on her.”

Her wings twitched by the sides of her frame nervously. “Maybe if I got my crap in a cyclone and sent it away, but look at me. I charge into things, and I’d say something that’d hurt her and break her heart when I didn’t mean it, cause I’m still love sick myself. I may be loyal ‘n loving and all, but I’m also sometimes stupid. She needs integrity, somepony like you.”

“P-P-please, Rainbow girl, ya makin’ me hyperventilate,” Applejack panted. “I don’t think anypony has ever complimented me like that. I don’t know what ta-"

She didn't know what had consumed her to do it. Maybe it was the release of so many emotions pouring out of her at once. Maybe it was repressed love. Intimacy, need, stress, fear. All Rainbow Dash knew, was that she went from fearing her friend, to complimenting her, to praising her in the best way she could.

A kiss.

Rainbow's muzzle tilted to the side as her eyes closed, pressing her lips into perhaps her closest friend without realizing she had done it, nor any desire to stop. She had kissed Applejack only in the comical manner to make her friend's cheeks explode before, but never like this. Her forehooves reached up to caress the orange mare's cheeks, holding her muzzle in place while the very tip of her tongue licked over Applejack's lips. The whole world, shut down for Rainbow Dash. It did for Applejack too.

Applejack was left speechless. Aroused from her past anger, softened by the praise, and caught off guard by the pegasus who made her laugh at life and burn of stress, had opened flood gates that even she didn't know fully existed. So much repressed emotion, and it all came out, in one kiss. It was beautiful, sad, and heart warming all at the same time. Her gut thought of the blue mare as a sister, but at the moment, with the ethanol and estrogen pumping through her system, she pushed that choice of word to the back of her mind. Maybe, just maybe, Rainbow needed her.

She kissed back.

Both of their muzzles interlocked, Applejack raising up a forehoof to stroke affectionately through the chest fluff of Rainbow's, the faint crackles of their lips breaking apart and coming back together echoing in their ears. Their tongues teased each others tips, putting nearly four years of friendship aside to take it one step farther. The faintest of gasps escaped both of their muzzles, tasting each other's breath and saliva.

It was too much for Rainbow Dash. She broke the kiss suddenly, tears slowly dripping down her cheeks as she looked up at her friend like a drowned rat, wings limp by the side of her frame. "I can't do this to you," she sniffled. "I can't drag you into me. I... I love you as a best friend. And..."

A furious blush had crossed the face of Applejack as her friend spoke, closing the distance to wrap her forehooves around Rainbow's toned neck. "And maybe, something more," Applejack finished. Her own eyes teared up around their edges, vibrant green staring into the sunset spectrum of Rainbow's orbs. "Rainbow. Stop it. Stop thinkin' of yourself as a pile of rhino crap, damn it. Ya think it doesn't hurt me, seein' you tear yourself apart like this?"

Rainbow sniffled again, shaking her head.

"That's not what you should be thinkin', and I'm not gonna let you keep on thinkin' it. Look here." She lifted up Dash's muzzle. "I... oh buckin' hayseeds and bloody hay, Rainbow Dash, I think you just made me realize I need a piece of my heart filled too." She continued, her ears folding by the side of her snout affectionately as she caressed through her friend's thick and colored mane, giving her a gentle peck on the lips once more. "Listen to me, mare, and listen good. Yer older sister is gonna say something, and you're not gonna like it, but you're gonna have to deal with it like ya do with muscle cramps, ya here?"

Dash nodded meekly. "Good," Applejack said. "Listen. I-Traveler's bitter prostate juice, I think I just solved half of our problems!"

For the first time since her emotional release, Rainbow smiled. "How in Olympus do you come up with those sayings on the top of your head?”

“It’s a trait passed on from my daddie’s side-but that isn’t important! Listen to this. You want me to date Twilight? Or be her first?”

Rainbow shrugged, cracking a faint smile. “I’m not forcin’ ya too, I’m just sayin’ that I’ll most likely start cryin’ if she isn’t with anypony other than you, because she deserves someone as awesome as you."

Applejack's blush wasn't leaving her muzzle anytime soon. "Alright, I'm... oh, damn it, fine I'll give it a shot, because she's as cute, kind, sweet and lovin' as you say she is." Her friend's wings spread in delight. "But," Applejack countered, pressing a forehoof to her friend's lips, "on two conditions."

"Name them," Rainbow said, determination returning to her magenta orbs. With the water that dotted them, they gleamed in the light bouncing off of the barn walls. "Because... I'm not ready for her, but you are. I know this is messed up, but-"

"Can it, cutie pie," Applejack chuckled, forcing a large glow to grace Rainbow's cheeks. "The first: ya trust me with you're life, so trust me, on that as silly as it sounds, there's a pony you don't know as well as you should, who I think could work for ya. They live here in town, and I'm sure we can get them to get to know you better. It'd help everypony in the long run anyways."

"Done," Rainbow nodded. "And the second?"

"That as much as it might scare both of us," Applejack whispered, "that... if Twi' and I just do our think, and what I suggest doesn't work out, but only if both happen-" She swallowed down a ball of saliva budding in her throat. "That... we give each other a shot alright?"

"I can do that."

Applejack raised an eyebrow at the unexpected response Rainbow, flicking her tail to make sure she was still alive. "R-r-really? I thought you'd say no."

Rainbow closed her eyes, inhaling gently through her nose once more. "Because we'd both be happy we gave our ideas a shot, and well, that means you once again, totally took crying-as-a-bitch Rainbow Dash's problems and solved them all. The least I can do is give you something in return. And well..." She scoffed at the ground, averting her gaze. "I'd... really enjoy that. You're my best pal, and I'm happy with you stayin' that way if what you think is gonna work, works. But I'd go farther. Just to see what happens."

"Stop thinkin' you need to go on a crusade just ta get my approval, Rainbow Dash." Applejack huffed, thudding Dash on the muzzle. Rainbow squished her snout into her neck. "This just makes me that much more sure ya need the pony I'm suggestin'. Ya need a Mare-Do-Well every hour it seems." She shook her snout. "Ya silly little thing. Now. You got problems because yer tryin’ to replace Tessie with Twi’, but Twilight is just too good for that hole, so you feel empty.”

Dash flicked an ear in silence, until her eyes started to widen. “W-w-wow I never thought of it in that way. It was right in front of me this whole time!”

“Sometimes, the truth is right in front of ya," Applejack grinned, scratching at her friend's chest. "So you're afraid you’ll hurt her like Tes’ did to you.”

“Y-y-yeah, that pretty much sums it up.”

“So ya don’t wanna damage what ya got with Twi’, so you keep it to you're chest, cause you’d rather hurt yourself than risk even the tiny chance of hurtin’ her.”

Rainbow pulled herself up to a hover with a flutter of her wings, magenta orbs glowing with sudden revelation. “Holy crap yes! I felt that, but I never thought that. I'm a complete idiot!”

Applejack folded her forehooves smugly, unable to keep a confident smile from spreading across her muzzle. “So what that means, is ya want me to be there for her, since you completely trust me to treat her right.”

“Yeah!”

“And that both she ‘n I need a good bit of love ‘n work. I'll admit,” Applejack chuckled, "Sometimes, it feels like Twi' and I are the only sane mares around here sometimes. That is, when Twilight isn't insane herself. We can make sure we both keep each other in line."

“Exactly!” With every lock that Applejack opened, Rainbow's powerful wings flapped that much harder, raw excitement pulsating through her frame.

With a chuckle, AJ blushed. “And I have to admit, it’s been since my teen years since I committed to somethin’. You’ll be happy as long as Twi’s happy, ‘n that’ll fill what’s hurtin’ in your heart.”

“Hay yes!”

“And well, Twilight is kinda cute,” Applejack said, scoffing at the floor.

Rainbow nickered out a titter, unable to stop a softer side of her from exposing itself. “Duh. You've seen her nerd rage, it's adorkable!”

“And a very capable leader," the farmer added. She prodded her friend's toned stomach. "And I could keep her calm when y’all tick her off. And she could keep me from snappin’ a twig when the goin' gets tough.”

“That’s been exactly my point this whole time!” Rainbow beamed, twirling through the air in excitement

Applejack could not stop smiling, more so at the equally grinning pegasus in front of her. “Ya know, I have ta admit, throwing a wrench in Rarity’s plan in a funny way would be kinda funny. She'd never think it'd be from us, and that'd make it that much more... uhh... epic, as ya'd say.”

“Oh my gosh it would be stupidly funny, and are you kidding me, Rarity would gush over you two being a couple!” Dash's wings were pulsating with excitement. She could feel a squee begging to escape from her lips. All of her problems, melted away by the wise advice of her long time friend.

Applejack reached up to poke her friend on the nose. “So speakin' of that, I know just the pony who can handle ya mighty fine when I think about it.” Crossing a forehoof as she scooped up her hat, placing it on top of Rainbow’s head. “By my hat I do.”

“Tell me!” Rainbow pressed her forehooves into Applejack's chest, the squee held in Rainbow’s throat coming out with a childish grin. “By Soarin’s hot plot tell me!”

“They’ve got enough experience to handle ya, can lend an ear, match yer wit, deal with yer energy, calm ya down, pull ya back, be gushy like ya like, deal with yer problems, and could grow a lot from you makin’ them lighten up and stop workin’ themselves to death.”

“You, are, killing me! Please!” Broken and a former shell of who she was, Rainbow Dash stuck out her bottom lip, gleaming red orbs large and begging for mercy.

“That pony,” Applejack said, a smug grin spreading over her lips.

“Yes?”

“Is Rarity.”

All that was heard from Rainbow’s muzzle was a starved, faint gasp as if she was choking on the quietest hiccup.

She turned her head confidently away from Rainbow Dash's frozen face, letting one, wild slap of her blonde tail dance behind herself. “I’m the next General Bray Bragg.”

Chapter Eight: Pink And Purple Ponderings

Pinkie Pie knew many things about the universe she never wanted to know, but knew about anyways. Ponies questioned why she wasn't all there in the head, but if they knew what she knew, they would be like he too. Despite dipping into the worlds outside of Equestria for the good or ill of everything, there was another kind of dipping that her  practical education had taught her: today called for some alcohol, and it was going to be an early dipping.

Yeah it does, and it’s yourfault, Mr. Narrator!

The mare was not an alcoholic, or anything near that; contrary to what ponies might think she was. Considering her love of parties, she knew that the potent brew usually needed to be consume in moderation, otherwise the party would degrade into something far worse. Or better, depending on her urges. Those urges usually got very messy.

Although I’m half tempted to be a drinker because of you! What areyou planning author person!? How can you toy with Dashie and Jackie and Twilight and Rares like this? They all need a pony to cuddle and *you’re** fiddling with their hearts and crotches! You’re* awfulmister! And now I'ma frisky filly who needs a firm, flickering fondling, and youfreckled my flanks for your freaking fun! Dark wings, dark words with you!

A smooth voice inside her head - other than her own - reminded her that while acceptable breaks of reality were passable, there was a limit as to what the filly could do. The story was unbent, unbound, and unbroken by her semantics, and would-

No! Youdon’t order mearound. I’m gonna speak my mind, mister, and you’regonna like it! Yeah, we’re all kinda horny for some ba donka donking, and surewe all could use a colt or mare or two, but it doesn't mean you get to hurt us! No! I cross the line there. We girls love each other a trillion billion times, and I’m not gonna let you break us apart!

The narrator would like to remind Pinkie Pie that this is not Stranger than Fiction, and that she will go along with the plot, much like Harold did. With a sweet hum in her ear, she would be soothed to know that no harm would come to her or her friends, other than pratfalls, hangovers, and maybe a few tissues in hopeful sobs of love. There would adventures, joy, exploring of brews and body parts, love, and friendship. There was much of this saga to cover, and only so little time to do it.

Hmmf! There’s been more tension in our plots than in Superbad and Amareican Pie combined! Fix this mister! I’m warning you! If you don't solve these problemos...

The smooth voice inside of Pinkie’s head was confident that she would be bent to its will, much like she was bent over crying for more, when Rainbow slapped her pudgy, plump posterior. The puffy prostitute practically prayed for more poundings.

Oh you little-

Only one sentence was apt for the plush, pink puff of a pony: we’re sorry, but we can’t let you do that, Pinkie Pie.

You’re out of your element, narrator pony man! That’s it! I’m hijacking this story and youcan’t stop me! Ahem! Twilight-

Ash nazg durbatulûk.

W-what? I don't speak-

Ash nazg gimbatul.

I-I-I don't know what's-

Ash nazgthrakatulûk-

P-please stop voicee, you're scaring-

-agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!

Okay! Okay! I’m sorry, narratoree pony humanie! I’ll trust you. Just... don’t scare me? I’ll be a good filly...

The narrator was pleased with the playful, prancing pony. It would be sure to give her many pettings and pats between the chapters.

P-p-promise?

Satisfaction would ease the mare’s mind. Pinkie Pie Promise. How could one not want to scratch her pink, plush ears and stroke her coat?

Okay... Story time?

Pinkie Pie knew many things about the universe she never wanted to know, but knew about anyways. Ponies questioned why she wasn't all there in the head, but if they knew what she knew, they would've been like he too. Despite dipping into the worlds outside of Equestria for the good or ill of everything, there was another kind of dipping that her  practical education had taught her: today called for some alcohol, and it was going to be an early dipping.

The mare was not an alcoholic, or anything near that; contrary to what ponies might think she was. Considering her love of parties, she knew that the potent brew usually needed to be consume in moderation, otherwise the party would degrade into something far worse. Or better, depending on her urges. Those urges usually got very messy.

Today was different. It was going to be a long day emotionally for all of her friends; she could feel it on the tip of her left ear. They were going to need tonight more than ever before, and that meant losing that restraint they held back. While today had not been a shining example of the six mares holding themselves back, they had had better days. Which is why we’re drinkin’ early! Party time! Well... more like relaxing time. The logic of drinking to make a day better had been a constant in the multiverse since time began. It went one of two ways. Besides, Twilight needed the alcohol more than she did, and boy, the difference in her friend was noticed in minutes!

Sitting behind a table in Sugarcube Corner, the two mares were enjoying drinks of a not child legal nature, and it was only reminding both of them about how innocent Equestria really never was. Twilight's tail swished contently behind herself for the first time that day, taking another sip of her mixed drink to a flaint fluttering of her eyes. That alone only made the smile on Pinkie's face that much more warm and fuzzy. "I can't believe how good you make Dirty Stalliongradi's, Pinkie," Twilight said. "We shouldn't be doing this this early you know." The unicorn giggled excitedly. "It feels so wrong, but you know, I just don't care! I feel like tonight is going to be better than Shining's wedding, or my eighteenth, or Bayston!"

Pinkie Pie snorted in delight at her friend's reaction, clopping her forehooves together in glee.  "It's nice to have you back, Twilight. I think you've been so pent up today, and all you needed was some sweet Pinkie drinks. Chocolate milk, vodka and coffee liqueur? Best mixever!" Both of the mares giggled with abandon, sipping their brown mixture of soul purging alcohol.

Sunday was a wonderful day. With the store closed early, it meant that not only were the Cakes free to do as they pleased, it also meant that Pinkie herself was free as well. If that involved making some very potent mixed drinks early in the day, then who was going to stop her? Nopony! She thought. Stopping Pinkie Pie from doing something took an amount of effort that involved more than one mere pony. Usually, it involved five.

"It's great to be back," Twilight continued. She rested her forehooves on the counter, her posture relaxed, and her neck leaning forward to look at her friend with honest happiness. "I woke up this morning concerned about my weight, and then Rarity came in to tell me I need to have a roll in the hay before I should start dating. Then you all began being clop crazed and then Rarity flipped out." She snorted dryly, rolling her eyes at the everlasting drama that followed her. "I can see why Berry Punch does what she does."

Pinkie raised an eyebrow, resting her forehooves on the table. "Hold up, Twi'. You're concerned you're fat?"

Twilight's eyes slowly turned into slits of purple. There's Twilight! Seriousness ship sailing from San Franciscolt! "Nice way of putting it, but yes. I've gained fifteen pounds since coming here. I want to get back down in weight.Need to, in fact. I don't want to slow you all down, and well... I’d feel better about myself if I was back to the weight I’m biologically meant to be."

"Silly filly, I'm like, a thousand pounds, and look at me!" Pinkie said.

Twilight blinked slowly, leaning forward as her eyes became sharper. "No, you're not."

"Ugh! Fine, Twilight, way to not take a joke," Pinkie pouted. "I'm two fifteen. I'm not a balloon!" Pinkie scooted back in her chair, giving her curly stomach fur a ruffle to shake the soft girth underneath. She was certainly pudgy, but it would've been more apt to put her on the lines known as 'husky' more than anything. "See? I’m an earth pony with like, not enough muscle, so it’s chub! Rainbow finds me adorable though. She thinks you’re adorable too!”

“Hmmph,” Twilight huffed, laying back in her chair, folding her forehooves at the comment. She blew at her bangs with a huff of air. “That’s no excuse on my part. You make food that shouldn’t legally taste as good as it does. I still think Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow can help me trim myself back down. You’d... support me right?” she asked.

“Of course I’d support you!” Pinkie slurped loudly on her creamy, thick stout, letting the hit of coffee merge into the dark chocolate fudge, and end with thw burning twang of vodka slither down her throat.. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Pinkie Winkie you are damngood girl at what you do! Give yourself a hoof!

Hoof given!

Hoof accepted. "You have a lot of reasons to be stressed, Twilight," Pinkie added, a more realistic tone entering her voice,  "you just have to find you're way of not making them, well, worse! I mean, we can count them off right here. Moonie, Discord, Chrysalis, the Caneighdian incident.”

“That, was Applejack and Rainbow’s fault,” Twilight said flatly, sipping her drink once more. She chuckled in amusement. “Hay, half of our problems either directly involve me, Applejack, or Rainbow Dash."

Pinkie tittered gaily. “Well duh, that’s three of us. So if the other three are added, that means all our problems come from us, which they do! Evil forces of doom just like to doomy doom us.”

Twilight's tail snapped behind herself, eyes half closing into a firm stare. And yet, she couldn't help but have a smirk creep across the corners of her lips. “Wiseflank.”

Pinkie shrugged her shoulders. “Ehh, I learned it from being around you and Rainbow a bunch, so I learned from the best who deserves a good Pie Pie or Stick Stick in thanks! Or both! Both is always good!" **Except when they are surprises you *don’t expect. I play with all genders equally, but I need a sign post so I can prepare which one of my party bags to bring. I can’t be left unprepared! The moaning must be doubled!*

With a casual thrum of her horn, a strawberry mist of a hoof bonked Pinkie on the head, resulting in a high pitched squeak coming out of the pink mare's muzzle. Twilight giggled in delight at her friend’s reaction. “Pinkie, you are priceless, but thanks for information I don’t need at the moment.”

“Welcome, Twi’ Twi’!” Pinkie squeed. “But you’re the reigning champ on useless information!”

“You never know when detailed histories of oil can companies could be useful!” Twilight protested. “How do you think we won the trivia contests on New Year’s Eve, and got all that free alcohol and food?” She leaned back in her chair to scoff at her ego for a moment, letting a confident smile spread across her snout. “Firm study on these subjects paid off, both during and after the drinking.”

Twilight’s friend half choked on her drink of chocolate alcohol, falling back in her chair. “So that’s what you think cuddling me and Dashie was. I knew you enjoyed that!”

The unicorn’s cheeks quickly matched the strip of rose in her mane. “You two were the ones half fondling each other, with me trapped in the middle! We were all drunk and I thought we just wanted to stay warm, but you two decided to play hoofsies with me trying to sleep.”

With the final chug of her Dirty Stalliongradi, Pinkie Pie fell over onto her back squealing in laughter, kicking her hindlegs in the air. “And you’re the one who flared your horny and made Dashie and I go neigh! You just don’t even remember it!”

“I did not magically stimulate-" Twilight cursed under her breath, watching her friend degrade into a rumbling fit of hysterics. "Okay I did, but I wasn’t fully aware of it!” Her face was burning hot at the admission, only making her friend roll around on the floor in gusts of fond memories even more.

“That’s what knocked us both out. Sheesh, Twilight, we might of made your curtains curl, but you made our stations explode.”

Twilight quickly gulped her drink, letting out a loud exhale of air from the end of her muzzle. She was thankful she didn't take this passion of ethanol as a personal poison, but it was a tonic, if only to blur the images of two of her friends groping each other. “You must be new here, Pinkie. I never knew that being teased would make me aroused. Please, tell me more.”

Pinkie curled her forehooves toward her chest in only the cute manner that Equestrian ponies could, looking up at her friend playfully. She gave her friend a wink. “Will do, Twilight. And quoting memes is my job! Silly filly, get out!" Twilight stuck out her tongue in defiance, only inciting Pinkie Pie to continue her teasing. "While you didn't squirt that night - which is why you are technically still a virgin - you were totally leaking the next morning. And-”

Twilight Sparkle could not handle her friend opening up about the very fun night of being trapped between Rainbow and Pinkie deciding to be playful drunks, and herself having to deal with it. That was supposed to be a secret, and it had to be kept safe.

Her normal plan was going to be to tug her friend into the air, pinch her whole body to listen to some weird sound come from Pinkie's mouth, and tell her some sort of snide joke that would calm Pinkie Pie down. It didn’t work. She misjudged the power of her spell. Instead, she yanked on the pink filly far too hard. The result, was Pinkie Pie being spun through the air, hovering a hoof off the ground, and colliding snout to snout with Twilight, both of their mouths open the moment they made contact. In another time and place, it would look flat out silly. But in the current, they closed their mouths together, and they didn't seem fond of breaking apart.

Alcohol and chocolate huffed into the nostrils of both the unicorn and earth mare as their eyes turned into soft, barely open lines, their lips pressed together for the longest seconds of either of their lives. It was Twilight who engaged the kiss, tilting her snout gently to the side to let the corners of her muzzle rub into Pinkie’s. Pinkie didn't seem inclined to resist, but simply let her nose rub up and down her friend’s, soon enough followed by her tongue reaching out to lick over Twilight’s teeth.

It was that lick that broke Twilight's concentration, dropping Pinkie Pie on all four of her hooves, and leaving Twilight mumbling vulgarities in Neightin. “Pinkie Pie, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her amethysts orbs gentle, kind, submissive, and to Pinkie Pie, broken.

Twilight, Pinkie thought, you have nothing to be sorry about sweetie. It’s... me. I... did I ruin your first kiss? Oh damnditty damn damn. Twilight...

“Twilight.” Pinkie’s voice had lost nearly all of it’s bounce, holding up her friend’s chin to let her teary cerulean orbs reflect off of the mystical purple of her friend's. “I didn't-I shouldn't have-oh gosh, this is horrible! To fool around like silly horny fillies, but to ruin your first kiss? I-”

“Pinkie Pie, that was my choice.” Twilight hushed her friend, tilting her snout to peck her on the lips, letting her snout rub affectionately over the pink muzzle in front of her. “I think I needed that more than I realized," she exhaled. "Today’s been... well... bucked up if I have to use that word.” She chuckled at her word choice, letting a soft smile spread over her muzzle.  “I just think we should both relax, and realize that, well, tonight's going to be very different than what they normally are. and-”

“Rarity.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the mention of her friend “Yeah. She’s kind of been acting very weird, and-”

Pinkie's forehooves lifted up to gently care caress her friend's cheeks. “You and her, need to hook up.”

Saliva gagged in Twilight’s throat, making Twilight trot backwards until she fell over onto her rump in shock. Pinkie Pie quickly closed the distance, wrapping both of her forehooves protectively around her friend. “Listen to me, Twilight, and listen to Pinkie Pie well. I might be your pal, and maybe we could work in that way, in some weird way, but Rarity is totally the mare for you.”

“R-r-rarity?” Twilight mumbled the name of her friend on her tongue and lips several times, letting it wisp over her ears and mind again and again. “You... think I should date Rarity? But Pinkie, I’m not sure who or what I’m doing tonight, and-”

Pinkie shook her friend gently, pressing her forehead into Twilight's own. She smiled. She smiled like an older sister giving advice to a younger one. “You, and her, are meant for each other, Twilight! Both of you are smart. Really smart. You both have so many in-jokes like Dash and I do. You guys make great leaders, and enjoy each other so much! You both could keep each other calm when bad things happen. You'd never get bored of what you two have to say, and you two just would be so cute together! You wanna know what Aunt Pinkie thinks? Rarity's doing all of this planning tonight, so you can get that 'experience'. And it's her." Internal me, I'm so proud of you... and the Oscar for-

Please stop! I'm tearing up already.

Oh sister, I'm already there!

Twilight Sparkle was silent. Confusion had merged in with her face with reflective contemplation, the biological computers inside of her head whirling together tens of thousands of scenarios, outcomes, hints and tips. "Pinkie, you are so right."

"I knew it!" Pinkie chirped, nuzzling into her friend's neck. She bounced back to life as quickly as her motherly side had taken over. "Your fur is interesting! It's very... horsey!"

Twilight ignored Pinkie's last comment. It was for the best. The numbers floating mentally above her hooves as her list grew. "She's hyper protective of me, loves talking to me about everything, nearly always enjoys my company, respects me, and she's... planning all of this out for me to have such a wonderful time. She wants me to realize that I want to be with her, because she has everything that I want-Pinkie Pie, that's it, you're incredible!" Her horn flared to life, squeezing Pinkie in addition to the hug that encapsulated her with her forehooves. "Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that?" She nuzzled into her friend's shoulder deeply in delight. "She's trying to keep me guessing because she knows she can't out think me. I-"

Her massaging of her friend's body continued. At least, until Pinkie Pie squeed deeply, from the wrong hole.

It was moderately hard to make Pinkie Pie blush, although the rumbling sound coming from her rump could be put high on that list. While an aptly timed fart joke - or perhaps well placed real one by two of her more physically active friends - could be hilarious, she never tried to pass gas in public. All she could do to avert the attention from the sound, was grin shyly at Twilight Sparkle, letting out the practiced and proper squee from the end of her pink snout. "A-a-a-ask before you give me a full body massage?" she chuckled shyly. "At least it doesn't smell-"

"Pinkie Pie, that's *disgusting!***" Twilight Sparkle shrieked, crawling away from her friend as she shoved the pink ball of curly fur. Pinkie tumbled from the impact, Twilight pulling herself up into a more defensive, almost combat like stance. "Are you Rainbow Dash or Applejack now!?"

"Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Twilight." Pinkie retorted, back flipping herself onto her hooves, "I didn't decide to squeeze your stomach a bunch and see what happens! Alcohol gives me gas sometimes, but normally I can hold it. Unless, somepony, crushes me from the outside in!"

"That doesn't give you any excuse to pass gas near me, Pinkie Pie!" Twilight shot back, pressing her snout assertively into Pinkie Pie's. "How could we work as a couple if you would fart when I sleep?"

"How could we work if you pee the bed, Twi' Twi'? I may like natural lemonade sometimes, but that's a kind only good twice a year!" The baker mare's tail twitched rapidly behind herself, both of the Element's pushing their snouts back and forth as growls began to escape from their muzzles.

"That is even more disgusting. Why did you have to share that?"

"It's sterile! It doesn't hurt you!"

Twilight stomped a forehoof on the floor, gritting her teeth in frustration. She could feel her own behind tighten up, and it was more keen on plot kicking than gas passing. Hopefully. "Don't you pull a me, Pinkie! And pee the bed? Did Spike tell you that!? Oh I am going to kill him for that!" Twilight neighed.

"Like, mare please," Pinkie nickered against the statement, "I could smell it myself! I got the best nose here and you still do it a little bit, it just blends into your fur-"

Twilight Sparkle knew of one way to shut Pinkie Pie up, and that was to kiss her. She might have to put this under her belt of abilities for future problems if Pinkie Pie was about to cause massive political damage to Equestria. Or, she was just a bit tipsy, and it sounded like a good idea to get rid of stress. It worked the last time. Twilight went at her friend full force, her tongue inserting itself drunkenly inside of Pinkie's muzzle, flailing and slapping over her teeth as their lips and snouts pressed together. She had no idea what she was doing, but Pinkie took charge soon enough, instead of shoving her friend away or doing anything rational. Her thick equine tongue began coiling and suckling onto Twilight's tongue with such sinful delight Twilight cried out a sultry moan of bliss.

"That's disgustin'."

"I think it's kinda hot if you ask me."

"They are so cute together!"

Slowly, two pairs of eyes turned to look at the three infamous foals watching the Elements making out, breaking apart their lips and showing the thick string of saliva that connected their muzzles together. Time slowed down for the both of them, looking between each other and the fillies beside them. This is what happened, when you didn't lock the front door.

As one, they both shrieked. Pinkie Pie burst up higher in the air than anypony ever should, which involved her nailing her head on the ceiling, and falling back onto the ground.

Twilight did perhaps the worst sin in her entire life. There was no redemption for her committed crime. Celestia would disown her if it ever got out.

Twilight Sparkle, cursed in front of children.

"Shit!" she screamed. "What the buckin' hay are you three doing here!?"

"About to blackmail you!" Scootaloo fluttered happily, her wings pulsating by the sides of her body.

"Scootaloo, that's horrible!" Applebloom protested, shooting her fellow Crusader a glance of disgust.

"Not for free candy, milk, and books," Scootaloo countered.

"Scootaloo, that's awesome!" Sweetie Belle chirped, bouncing in place. "Cutie Mark Crusader Blackmailers! We want one gallon of strawberry milk!"

Before Sweetie Belle could even finish, a chilled tub of milky goodness was placed in front of the foals by the equally strawberry colored earth mare. "Done!" Pinkie panted. "Anything else? Anything you want!"

"Two gallons of chocolate milk!" Scootaloo whinnied excitedly, giggling with Sweetie Belle.

Applebloom bit her bottom lip, contemplating the morality of the situation. Her darker side won. It was the grown ups fault they were so secret. "A large bag of candy corn! Oh shoot, AJ's gonna kill me."

Sweetie Belle bounced higher with every passing second. "A box of assorted fudges! Oh those are so good!"

"A jumbo bag of those sour cream and onion chips Twilight eats all the time," Scootaloo sneered. All Twilight could do was stare fiery death at the foal. If the secret of her and Pinkie kissing got out in public...

Her reputation would be ruined! The public would think of us as nuts! Oh my gosh I should of thought of that! Image! Rarity is all about image! Pinkie Pie's mind was going a trillion miles an hour, going from Hyrule to the Citadel, screaming at her own stupidity for not locking the door or closing the windows. You're a dipshit Pinkie Pie! You *deserve** that word right now!*

Thanks for tellin' me that *now,** fudge sucker!*

"Some peanut butter cups!" Sweetie Belle giggled, shaking her rump behind herself. "Oh we get to eat so much candy tonight. It's like the best Nightmare Night and Hearthswarming day ever!"

"And a big sheet of caramel for us to suck on!" Applebloom murred. "Yum!"

Scootaloo scoffed at the ground, looking up at the two mares. "I... think that's it? See! Nothing to break the bank. We're-"

"Do you have everything you want?" Pinkie Pie neighed, forcing the foals to back up against the store door. A massive plume of air from the end of her nose, letting out a side of her that not even her friends saw. "You three think this is funny? I... I can't even think of anything to say to you, and..." All that was registered on her face, was disgust. "Get out. You aren't welcome here anymore. Go to Bon Bon if you want candy."

Twilight looked at her friend and back at the foals, on the verge of tears. "I can't believe you three would do this to us," she quivered, her ears wilted on the sides of her muzzle. "Didn't you learn anything from Gabby Gums? If you, I... I just-"

Applebloom stepped forward, letting out a quiet sigh as she bit her bottom lip. She pondered, but soon enough, she couldn't help but smile. "How about, we consider this... well, 'payment' for what we're about to tell you, since it's a lot bigger than what we saw here."

Pinkie Pie's expression turned into toxic venom. "You fuc-"

"AJ and Dasha were cuddlin' in the barn!" Applebloom blurted. "And then they started really cuddlin', and then they started kissing, and then got 'laid' is what you ponies call what adult ponies do."

"Honest!" Scootaloo said, her wings flickering beside her frame. "She's not joking, and we aren't either!"

"We're sorry!" Sweetie Belle cried, tears budding in her eyes. "We're just jealous that you all get to go out, and get laid, and dance, and we wanted to do something super special tonight ourselves, so don't kill us!"

The shock that filled the Elements' faces was not of contempt. It was from the hand grenade of information that shattered their entire concept as to what tonight, and all of their futures were going to be. Most of the anger that trickled from their puffed out coats melted, the two mares glancing at each other, silently adjusting the reality that they now knew.

"Holy, crap," Pinkie whispered. "I knew they had a thing going for each other."

Twilight could barely speak, her purple eyes looking at the foals as if they were Rainbow and Applejack themselves. "Then the rumors were true," she muttered. "This changes everything."

Pinkie couldn't help but smile sweetly at the thought of two of her friend's being in love. "Oh my gosh, Dashie could teach Jackie so much and-"

Twilight shoved a forehoof inside of Pinkie's muzzle, watching her friend glance at her out of interest. "What were you three doing spying them?" she hissed, stomping a forehoof onto the floor. "That's-"

"It's my barn too," Applebloom rumbled, "and they were on the freakin' piano door! Kinda hard not to see it. We wanted some cider from the cellar, and my sister and Dasha were getting laid! Right in plain site! Ya can't blame me!"

"N-n-no," Twilight said, her argument falling to pieces. "I guess you can't; but this is something you three shouldn't have seen for another few years." She shook her head with a deep, groaning sigh. "We'll talk about this next week. I just can't-"

Scootaloo stepped forward, flicking her tail behind herself. "But here's the real kicker, and it blows that one out of the water, and this is why you owe us big time. Yeah, we spied on them after that, but can you blame us? So, like, they did it, but said that they wouldn't work as a couple, but might wanna try it out later if their plan doesn't go well. They convinced each other to try this first."

"Rainbow wants Twilight to hook up with Applejack," Sweetie added, gathering her own courage to move forward, "and Applejack wants Dash to hook up with Rarity. And you say we're blackmailing you two? Your own friend's are planning on making you date each other!"

Pinkie's jaw hit the floor. Literally. It slammed into the ground with a metallic ring. What anger either of them had melted away much like the former sound of Pinkie's flatulence. "And Rarity wants you to hook up with Rainbow, Twilight, and I want you to hook up with Rarity! The messed upness of this situation is too damn high!" Pinkie cried. "I mean, I don't often say this, but damn! It's like we're all planning the sex life of Twilight Sparkle, like you're some princ-"

"My plot is not a fucking commodity!" Twilight shouted, raspberry lightning flying out of her horn. It let forth a resounding clap of lightning that chipped the ceiling of the room. Her anger was back, and her concern for slipping forth words she had held back in public for only the most spartan of use was gone. She stared down at the foals, her eyes a solid, burning white of heaven's wrath. "Listen, well, girls." Twilight's neck twitched rapidly. "You promise not to say a single thing about any of this to any pony ever? Good. You don't need to Pinkie Pie Promise, because that's not going to be strong enough-"

"Twi', I think you need another Dirty Stalliongradi." Pinkie slowly massaged the horn of her friend, watching the pearl rage in the mage's eyes flutter and flick back to her natural eye color. It was mixed in with a tender, quiet panting from the violet mare's mouth, her tail snapping in the air behind herself.

The Crusaders groaned in disgust at both the image of a manure covered stallion and Twilight's faint drolling, only to be stared down by Pinkie's firm gaze. "Now what she said is totally true!" Her voice had become more akin to what a mother would use, scolding a child. "You think breaking my promises are bad? Let's just say her magic can go places you don't want magic to go."

The foals swallowed down balls of saliva in unison, only for Pinkie to affectionately smile. "For the record, we sorta-mostly-kinda-maybe-we'll-run-with-it forgive you, since you completely changed our lives, and weren't doing anything wrong, and learned way too much, but you came to us to tell us about it, but still black mailed us, and not nice things." She continued her massage on her Twilight's horn, tenderly digging the edges of her forehooves into the grooves along the twirled length. "And also, the former language we used, if we ever catch you girls saying those things, we are totally going to spank you all in public, in front of the Mayor's office, with your classmates laughing at you the whole time."

Jeez me, that's really freakin' dark! Her kind side whimpered in her head.

Shh! The information they gave us is *totally** gonna be used to get Twilight laid. Oh she's gonna blow her magic so hard it'll burn a hole in the roof!*

Like she already did?

Curses! Foiled again!

"S-s-so how about we both say we never saw each other, and u-u-umm-can we take what we bargained for?" Applebloom sniffled, scoffing at the ground. "Fair deal?"

Pinkie stroked her chin with her tail, looking up at the minor damage to the ceiling. It's just a scratch. "Hmm... you owe me a small favor though in the future, but sure!"

"E-e-eww what's that smell?" Applebloom winced, sniffing the air. "It's... d-d-did somepony-"

Pinkie Pie winced. Yep. She knew that smell. She knew that smell very well. Escape plan. "Fire!" Pinkie screamed at the Crusaders, watching them back as they galloped out the door with their plunder of candy on their backs. "I got it covered though!" she hollered at the fleeing foals, slamming the door behind her. Considering that boarding up the door wasn't going to make the Cake's happy with the damage to their walls, she would have to make due with just locking the front door. As soon as the danger of her secret being let out and the stress of the moment melted away like warmed up chocolate, she slid herself against the door, letting out a belly deep sigh pour from her heart. Everything's okay now, she cooed to herself. Just smile, smile, sm-

She opened her eyes and other senses slowly, registering a large, furred, warm object straddling her groin. A quietly purring, purple eyed, pony eating object rested on top of her. It wasn't one she wanted. "Hey Pinkie," Twilight nickered seductively down at her friend, stroking through Pinkie's puffy mane.

"Oh frosted, fudge fondling flamingos, unicorn horns are no touch zones." Pinkie chuckled nervously, listening to the rumbles of pleasure escaping from her clearly delusional friend. "I forgot, and I got talented forehooves."

Twilight dug into Pinkie's her poodle furred coat thickly. "Hey, Twilight, remember when we said we were gonna pop your cherry tonight? Or that how I'm going to convince you that I have absolutely no idea what's going on anymore, and so that we'll just take it somepony is taking you tonight? Why am I talking about this with you on top of me?"

Twilight  tugged on Pinkie's mane firmly, violet eyes a glowing glass of arousal and seductive need. "Mmm, I pushed that up to now," she growled, straddling Pinkie's stomach more roughly. "And I'm sure 'plot pusher' Pinkie can do wonders. Speaking of that, I've never tried anal, and Rainbow just denies she's done it with you. What's it like, Pinkie? I'm sure you have a toy for that." Twilight leaned forward to slowly drag her tongue over the earth mare's ear. "I got enough spells to blow, your, mind-guuurgh!"

With one firm pinch to Twilight's neck, the unicorn was out cold, collapsed on top of Pinkie. "Ahh. Pressure points! I know those too, Twilight, and jeez are you wet-stop leaking on me!" She pushed her friend over onto her back with a tired groan, looking at the limp, drooling, passed out unicorn. It was impossible for Pinkie not to giggle at the adorable - and she had to admit, scary - sides of Twilight Sparkle. It wasn't as if she was completely stable either. "Well, bucky boo, has today been interesting, and we aren't even that drunk yet! Oh the next eight hours are gonna be fun! I... think. As long as you, mister narrator, make it fun! I'm warning you-"

The voice carrying the plot of this story would counter Pinkie's threats in that the Numa Numa song could always be played. There are worse fates that one can bear to bring.

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth to comment, but remained silence on the manner, other than giving the narrator a deep, hard, deathly stare with her blue eyes. It was for the best, she said nothing more.

Chapter Nine: I'm A Gentlemare

Rarity was doing something that she commonly did in the privacy of her own home. She was dancing. It wasn't the fact that she danced, or even danced well that was misleading; she was dancing in a manner that the high class ponies she aspired to be with would be repulsed by.

She didn't give a damn at the moment.

Her flank and tail swayed behind herself as she moved her body, the lean and silky smooth fur of the unicorn carried along with her diet maintained and Yoga balanced behind. It moved not to the classical music she adored, nor the opera she loved, nor the jazz that Fluttershy got her into. Not even that she was swaying her curved assets of dietary perfection to a modern pop song was considered odd. No. It was the gyrating, rump swaggering, plot bouncing, pelvic thrusting manner in which she did it. It would've made all of her friends wonder how much wine she had been consuming before hoof. Once again, her caring meter was running awfully low as the other parts of her brain objected to her actions. They were the most boring of snobs anyways.

"Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you wet, you know who I am, Rarity!" Her voice half cracked at the final note, the smooth, resonating tone of her singing voice had gone for a vacation as she drunkenly squeaked to the music. Rarity’s white rump and purple tail shook as she trotted through her house and workplace without a care in the world. Her eyes were closed as she gaily went about her business, completely indifferent to the yellow pegasus who had walked in to see her friend prancing and thrusting like she was on the dance floor. Or worse.

Fluttershy silently shut the door behind herself, and simply stood still as Rarity existed in a world that Pinkie Pie must surely live in a good majority of the time. But, it could be worse. She had not only seen worse - not that it bothered her, much like Big Mac had seen his fair share of horror stories - but she hadn't exactly... not done the same thing with enough ponies, music, social lubricant, and a bit of alcohol. To think, I'm the innocent one. She smiled softly to herself. Oh dear. Once, I was so shy I couldn't even leave my house much. Now I think of...

She'd rather not think of what she had been an accomplice to a few times. And yet, she didn't regret it. Much.

"Rarity, can you turn down the music? I'm here,” Fluttershy asked. Her normal volume wasn't going to cut it. She had to admit, watching Rarity twirl about and act in an ungraceful manner more akin to Twilight or Pinkie Pie was entertainment all by itself. Oh dear. Am I turning into Rainbow for finding this... funny? Maybe alcohol haschanged me. It was something to think about over the next week, when the chaotic events of today and the almost certain ramifications of tonight needed a bit of life goal adjustment.

"Rarity! I'm here!" Fluttershy called.

There was no response. Rarity was in her own world still, and didn't seem keen on leaving it any time soon. The bass and throbbing clap of the songs electronic beat had pulled Rarity away from reality. "Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you wet, you know who I am, Rarity!"

I wish I could move like that, Fluttershy thought, retreating into her own head for a bit of sanity. Just let go like that. Oh my gosh! I haveheld a part of me back. Was this what Rainbow told me to... 'unleash’? Or Rarity? Is Rarity what I'm like tipsy? It was a life crisis that Fluttershy needed to also push into next week. Everything needed to be pushed toward that Tartarus filled week. The simple thought of dancing drunkenly was far too much for her panicked, sober mind to think about.

"Rarity!" Fluttershy cried, her voice for once turning into a true shout. Rarity simply kept on grooving as if she were at a high school graduation party. Fluttershy She let out a calming sigh. Just *relax*. I'm happy, and have the best of friends! They know what's the best for me. At least I'm more outgoing thanks to my friends, and it's not like I'm Rainbow or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with her lifestyle. She's just a frisky filly.

Rarity kept the music jolting the floor and walls of her house as if she were a DJ, the speakers around her house pounding the party song to the point that Fluttershy felt parts of her that she didn't even know existed vibrate to the shockwave. "Rarity! Rarity! Rarity! Rarity!"

"Okay, it's too early for this music," Fluttershy growled to herself, her wings spreading in anger. She knew the feeling that was building up in her throat. The instinctive, deep inhale of air filling her lungs with pressure. It was a counter balance to the flow of sound on her hooves.

A part of her screamed for her mind to stop, but the ringing in her ears in the early afternoon had taken over her head. Animals were one thing for her to handle; an earthquake of a bass was another. Please head! she pleaded internally. No! Don't! No! No! No!

"I'm a-"

"RARITY, TURN DOWN THE DAMN MUSIC!" Fluttershy's voice cracked through the house like a chain of roaring thunder hitting pavement and a church organ at the same time. It vibrated off the walls, boomed across the floor, rang over every piece of furniture that Rarity had. Rarity had blown them all back earlier that day with her vulgarity, but nopony could match the butter colored pegasus in raw, raging, volume. It was a visible, sonic wave of pressure that rolled to the core of the earth.

The result, was a unicorn screaming like she had seen a dead body, her horn flaring to life to shunt the music and left cowering on the ground in weeping hysterics. "Please, take anything you want!" she cried, her forehooves covering her tear drenched eyes. "Just don't hurt me," she pleaded, sobbing sobbing into her hooves. "I won't even look at you. Please. I want to live for my friends and baby sister."

Fluttershy didn't ask for this. Her friend had every right to overreact, and she was left with the guilt of causing it. "Oh flying bucking feather-I mean gosh-damn-oh no-Rarity!" The trundle of vulgarities that poured from her innocent mouth only made the anger bubbling in her blood that much more potent. She did her best to never curse anything more vulgar than what a baby would. And yet, seeing her friend fearing for her life after just letting herself loose snapped that barrier.

Fluttershy half tackled the whimpering Rarity, scooping her up in her soft, light wings. Her own aqua eyes watered as she cradled the twitching unicorn, dragging her feathers through her friend's mane, nickering affectionately at the fellow Element. "Oh gosh, Rarity, I am so sorry," she whimpered. "I just... did you have to play it so loud?" She squeaked at her inner demon still throbbing in her ears as it merged with the budding headache she received. The last thing she needed was a cocktail of a non-alcoholic sort in her head.

Hush you! she said to the cackling voice inside of her mind. Take my wing to your face, evil me!

Oww! That hurt! Her darker side whimpered. It wasn't a fan of being hit.

Good! Now go to the you're-a-failure corner, and leave me alone! She huffed proudly inside of her head. I can beat you up you know! Iron Will taught me things, and that's that beating up your evil side is okay. If you don't play along, I will get the saw, and you willscream.

Y-y-you're a monster! Her evil part shouted.

Fluttershy's good side smiled. It smiled in a manner that a good side of a good mare who wouldn't hurt anything should never, ever, smile. Only to things that want to kill me. I can't Stare myself, so I result to gratuitous violence instead.

Rarity sniffled loudly as she looked up at the pegasus cradling her, curling her forehooves toward her chest. Tears dropped down her cheeks, sapphire eyes gleaming of freshly melted water. "F-f-Fluttershy!" she said. "Oh thank heavens it's only you! Was my music that loud? Oh no, I must of looked like the greatest fool in Equestria! I deserve that shout, since it only made-"

"Rarity," Fluttershy said, "have you been drinking? A-a-although if I can be honest, if you don't mind, I found what you just did really adorable, and you should act like that more often. Just don't play it so loudly." She smiled shyly down at her friend, letting out a quiet giggle. If she's this cute sober tonight...

Oh my gosh, you're not thinking of doing that are you? Her innocent side said.

Well... it's not like we can't help each other. Her logical mind countered. She's *really** pretty, and we're all a bit pent up. If Rainbow and Twilight are getting together...*

You-

I'm not sure this counts as me being evil other than oddly selfless. She debated with her submissive self. Watch. I'll show you! She'll love it and find me cute too. Self esteem is a way to gleam!

"N-n-no although should I start?" Rarity bit her bottom in contemplation, flicking an ear as her own sentence repeated in her head. The irony of her comment about Rainbow Dash and alcohol hurt that much. "Oh Olympus, did I just say I should start drinking, and Sweetie Belle hasn't broken anything yet?" Rarity's bottom lip pouted. "If I thought Rainbow Dash was bad, I could be an alcoholic in the making!" Rarity grabbed Fluttershy, resulting in a quiet squeak echoing from Fluttershy's mouth. "I just can't 'loosen' up in public, Fluttershy, often; I must protect my image."

"Like you did earlier? At the restaurant?" Fluttershy asked, settling down onto her rump.

"That doesn't count!" Rarity half shouted, emitting a faint meep from Fluttershy's muzzle. "Everypony could think you all were insulting me, so it was a good reaction!"

"But we're your best friends-"

"That doesn't count either!" Rarity flailed, pulling herself back onto her hooves. "I'm known for my frantic pacing and dramatics as well, but the noble side of me is universally considered to be the dominant side of my personality. What happened out there could be locally considered years of pent up anger. I'll manage."

Fluttershy gave her friend a gentle prod on the nose with a tip of a hoof. "I understand you are shaking from what I've done, and I'mvery sorry, Rarity, but you are only making your heart beat faster, so I want you to calm down, and-"

"Well thank you for the advice, dear," Rarity flatly nickered, "although I adore you and all, I think I have myself under control for the moment, relatively speaking." She swished her tail confidently behind herself. "I have a lot planned for us in the next few hours. So a bit of... play time was needed."

Fluttershy exhaled quietly from the end of her muzzle. It's just Rarity being Rarity, and denying that she enjoyed being a silly filly, Fluttershy thought. Maybe she does need to start drinking. Play time sounds-

Oh gosh! Why would youeversuggest that!? How can you think that way? Her innocent side protested.

Because... umm... it would make her even more adorable? And it's not like it's unnatural. Bisexuality is a common trait in ponies and Rarity is one of the most beautiful ponies I know. Watch!

"You're right, Rarity," Fluttershy began, extending a wing to gently trace it's tip across Rarity's chest. "You need to enjoy yourself and unwind, because you have a lot planned tonight. You were just expressing yourself in a way that you simply don't let yourself do much. Don't be silly and be angry at yourself for doing that. You're just tense like the rest of us, but just don't admit it." Fluttershy tilted her muzzle to the side sweetly, letting out a quiet hum that soothed her voice and the air around her. See? I can flirty too. In my own, special way!

Rarity pondered, tapping her chin with the edge of a perfectly shaped forehoof. "That is a very roundabout and polite way to say I could use a bridling, and it has been since Bayston, as much as I hate to admit it's been nearly half a year. You see why I like you so much, Fluttershy? Tactful! You know exactly how I work and even I don't know how you do it half the time!"

"Mmmhmm!" Fluttershy's wing reached up to scratch behind Rarity's ears, a hidden weak spot that made the white mare let out a soft, happy cry of delight at the rubbing. "You're so cute when you do that!" Fluttershy giggled. She didn't even consciously realize she nosed her friend over onto her back, Rarity's squeak of protest followed by Fluttershy's forehooves tickling under her armpits.

"Nonononono, 'Shy-this isn't fair!" Rarity laughed, her face quickly turning red. Whatever anger or thoughts she had about how weird it was for her friend to be tickling her and being so playful were lost. "Yes, I admit, heheh! I admit some fun is-oh you devil-I will get you!" She growled playfully. The childish delight on Rarity's sapphire eyes made the grin across Fluttershy's muzzle that much wider. Sometimes, it was nice for them to feel like foals again, and simply let themselves go in their own, special manner. Being ponies, was a wonderful thing.

"I'm not scared of you, Rarity. I got you now!" Both of the mares had broken down into fits of laughter as Fluttershy laid on top of Rarity, nipping at the end of her snout while her wings scratched her ears and forehooves rubbed into her sides. Rarity had broken down into a squealing torrent of delight. Her sensible pretenses had been shoved aside for the fun of the moment, her tail lashing about as their frames pressed firmly into one another's. And now... The Kiss.

Fluttershy pressed her lips into Rarity's. The pearl mare's gentle whinny in shock melted away with the kiss that caught her off guard. Deep, ocean blue eyes looked at the ice blue slits underneath them, and what stole both of them away, was the passion.

There was no malevolence in Fluttershy; only a repressed, perhaps minor crush coming from her heart. There was no aggression; only solid affection and tender care. And it broke Rarity faster than she ever thought possible.

Yay! Making out is awesome! Rainbow was right!

Go us!

Rarity wrapped her forehooves around Fluttershy's neck, stroking through the sinfully soft fur of the pegasus as she returned the kiss without shame or regret. The faint crackle of their snouts rubbing into one another and letting the sweet kiss bounce off each other's ears was turning both of the mares mentally into mush. Fluttershy stroked firmly down her friend's sides, letting the gentle swaying of both of their flanks and tails lull them both into a sense of security that they never wanted to go away. It was a deep, blissful friendship exploring its limits, and a momentary release and beginning of a long night ahead of them. They both quietly moaned into the affection, letting their loins press into each other, desire and adult needs swirling together to form a cocktail that they both wished to drink from. Perhaps, some early day fun, wasn't a bad idea after all. No pony would know.

Except for the one occupant who watched the faintly aroused, tail lifted plots in front of him. For the second time that day, two mares making out was not considered the norm - but then again two colts making out was considered normal as well - nor a cheer worthy desire of stallions everywhere: it was a way to ruin your month and change your life.

And for the second time that day, somepony should've locked their damn front door. Making out on the floor wasn't conducive for business. Or privacy.

Spike's face was beet red as he watched his sex idol make out with a very cute, butter colored pegasus on top of her. It was impossible for him not to smell either of the mares, but his brain hadn't quite reached the age to register its meaning. It would only be a month or two away from that. Then, Twilight would have a problem, on top of the others she was about to have coming tomorrow morning.

At least the image would last for years more in his head when that moment came. That, was worth everything that ever could happen in Equestria, to his brain only a few weeks away.

Rarity's eyes had opened at first to look seductively at Fluttershy, about to bring the pegasus into the bedroom for some intimate 'details' on what her magical specialization had 'gifted' her with over the years. However, her eyes had turned into tiny dots of shock at her adorable and favorite little dragon watching the two Elements make a soap opera not look awful. She sputtered, whimpered, and was caught motionless, her body instantly turning stiff. She tried to think of something to say, or how to reply. She came up blank.

Fluttershy opened up her mako colored eyes to the panic, fear blasted circles of the unicorn staring behind them. She quickly turned her head, only to let out a sultry whinny toward the dragon more suited for a mare of far worse tastes, and ethical standards, than herself. "Oh, a baby dragon," she purred, hiking up her flowing, pink tail to give Spike a better view. A much, much better view. "I've never bucked a baby dragon before.Sure you might be small, but oh those ridges-"

Rarity left behind the violin playing romance she was in with that one sentence Fluttershy uttered. "Are you suggesting a child have sex with us!?"

"U-u-uhh keep on going!" Spike said with a nervous chuckle. "Whatever sex is, keep doing it! So is this like, a super version of getting laid?"

Fluttershy gave her sunshine colored rump and the darker fur between her rump more than a little shake. "Oh we'll do you, Spike, and get you laid," Fluttershy growled huskily. "Nice, and hard-"

What slammed across Fluttershy's face was the backhoofed slap of Rarity. It was a slap of legends. A slap so many colts - and a mare or six - had felt. A slap of the gods that would of brought an alicorn to their knees. Of perfect anatomical precision. It had the most resonating crack of hoof on flesh; of the perfect tempo and grace. Fluttershy, had just been bitch slapped, by the empress, of bitch slaps.

Fluttershy cried as reality hit her full force, in addition to the edges of a polished forehoof. She was a broken soul who had just realized, she had offered sex to a child. Well an adolescent-

By Whinneykey Candles and Chicken in a Biskit crackers, Shut, the *buck up,** perverted side of me!* her rational mind roared.

The silence was golden.

Spike, was in awe.

Fluttershy was a half whimpering, quivering wreck, which was apt to describe her in most tense situations. Tears streaked down her muzzle as she looked between her friend and the young dragon, laid to rest on her side as if she was about to be put to sleep.

Rarity, although very much adoring the fellow filly beside her and the equally cute purple dragon who had caught her at the wrong moment, was livid. Her composure was regained as quickly as it had been melted away. She pulled herself up onto her hooves with a powerful rock of her body. She snorted like she was about to charge down a pony apt on raping her, and her once sparkling eyes had become icy cold with a hellish fury.

“I don’t know what disgusts me more,” she spat. “Fluttershy, you unleashing some pedophile side of you. Or you, Spike, not having the courtesy to just, I don’t know, bloody knock on my damn door first!”

Fluttershy could feel so many parts of her mind dueling and swirling together, but one thing stood out. Oh, no, she, *didn’t*.

Oh yes. Yes, she did.

        “I’m not a pedophile!” Fluttershy roared at Rarity, slamming her snout into Rarity's with a screaming neigh. “As if you don’t like him chasing your tail, Rarity? Fluttering your eyelashes and swaying your plot and just waiting for him to hit puberty and do you hard like the whore you are? You'll lift your tail for anypony to make life easier on you.”

"At least I don't hang around animals all day and surely enjoy an intimate lesson on their anatomies," Rarity growled, scoffing at the ground aggressively. "I'm sure you are Lyra would-"

        “Enough! Both of you!”

Both of the mares slowly turned their heads to look at Spike's serpentine eyes burning into their hearts. He shoved himself between the two Elements, green eyes glowing like kryptonite. “You are the best of friends, and I don’t give a crap that you two were getting laid, or whatever you adult ponies do, but I’m not going to let you two tear each other apart like this! If this is what getting laid with friends is about, then count me out of ever doing it, because you two need to stop, and what if does to you is... disgusting."

Fluttershy and Rarity looked at each other, anger melting away into sorrow as they both collectively let out a whimper.

"This isn't harmony or friendship at all," he continued. "Maybe this is why Rainbow says she does this with ponies she barely knows, because it can bite you in the plot if you get too close. I don't often say this, but maybe she's right. You two are super close friends, and-”

“Fluttershy... let us never speak of this again,” Rarity said, stroking the end of her friend’s muzzle. “Except perhaps, to Rainbow, who would - as much as I hate to admit it - know better than all of us what we need to do.” She scoffed at the ground shyly, averting her gaze. “I think... I treasure you more as a dear friend than-”

Fluttershy pecked Rarity on the lips gently. “You don’t need to say anything, Rarity. I love you as a friend, just the way you are. I'm... sorry that I said all of those things about you. It's not your fault that you are one of the most beautiful mares in Equestria, if not the whole world."

"And I'm sorry for implying such horrific things about you and your passion for animals, Fluttershy." Rarity rubbed her muzzle cheek into Fluttershy's, letting out a soft, loving coo. "It seems we both have some issues of our own that we need to resolve tonight.

"Getting... umm... ‘laid’ with you isn’t important.” It was impossible for Fluttershy not to have a snickering smile cross her muzzle.

“Y-y-yes why should we do that when we can get laid at the club,” Rarity giggled. "Meet somepony new after all, and I'm always on the look out for a lovely coltfriend who can help me with... 'things'."

“Great,” Spike sighed, blowing out a gentle huff of smoke. “Here I go, doing something Twilight would be proud of, and you two are talking about getting laid and sex with strangers. Well at least you two are talking and-”

The dots connected in Spike’s mind. Like the sudden parting of the heavens, his youthful innocence, was shattered. Forever.

Spike learned what getting laid, and the subtle meaning of sex, really meant.

“Oh, buck!” he shouted.

“Spike Sparkle!” Fluttershy neighed, turning her glowing eyes toward Spike with distain, “how dare you use such lang-”

“I have to stop the Cutie Mark Crusaders from seeing those sex books!”

Horror, was all that was etched in the faces Fluttershy and Rarity at the sheer armageddon that would happen if those three children, learned about the incredibly vast world, of pornography, and sex.

"W-w-what!?" Rarity backed away in shock, stumbling over onto her rump. "What-"

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders want to party like you all are about to tonight," Spike blurted. "They want to get drunk, and eat, and..." He shook his head. "I can stop this! All I have to do is hide them since they don't know what it is yet, and then convince them that getting drunk is more fun. Besides, do you really think any colt wants to go within ten feet of them? They destroy everything."

"That doesn't solve anything!" Rarity panicked, grabbing the small dragon. "Are you insane?"

"I haven't got that far!" Spike shot back, staring down Rarity. "Okay. I'll go to Twilight, and tell her, and if I'm not back here in twenty minutes, it means she thinks I can handle it. Now I know what you all are doing, you need it."

"But-"

Spike silenced Rarity, placing a paw on her lips. "If you promise to kiss me for thirty seconds later, I promise you, they won't know what it is until you tell them what it is. We both get what we want."

Fluttershy blinked rapidly at the exchange, looking at the now enlightened dragon in front of her. Yeah, he has Twilight's cunning, and that's going to get him in a lot of trouble in the future. What else can we do? she thought.

Well, I could always Stare them, her rational mind countered.

You don't even know where they are, and by the time you do, it'll be too late. *And** we'll miss the spa appointment, and that would be awful!*

She could feel that logical side of her mind look at her as if she wasn't herself. Umm... I'm pretty sure foals learning about mating is more important than doing some yourself. And-

Spike would clean Applejack's pigs, with his tongue, to make out with Rarity.

She heard nothing more from her more reasonable side.

For the longest several seconds in both Rarity's and Spike's lives, Rarity looked at Spike with a wide range of emotions across her muzzle. Disgust, contempt, curiosity, and dare she admit it, acceptance, with a pinch of approval. "You're a sly little bastard, you know that?" She couldn't help but faintly smile.

Spike couldn't help but smile back. "I learned from you and Twilight, and it was time I grew up anyways," he winked.

"Fine. Deal. Now then, what are you waiting for? Stop them!” Rarity shouted at Spike, shoving him off. He offered no reply, other than blasting out the door at a speed that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash would whistle over in admiration.

The two Elements looked at each other. Nothing was said for what seemed like an eternity. They looked at the walls, ceilings, and back to the fellow pony in the room. It was two pairs of blue eyes looking each other over, processing their love, friendship, the day, night, and the future. Of everything that had happened, and would, for good or ill. They smiled, frowned, and bit their bottom lips as one. Well, worse things in life could happen. The day couldn't get any worse.

“Tequila?” Rarity said.

Fluttershy nodded. “I could go for a shot.”

“Mare, please, at least four.”

“Three and you can tickle me.”

“Done.”

Chapter Ten: Library Love Lectures

Twilight Sparkle opened the door to the library knowing one thing for sure: everything wasn't going to be fine tonight, unless she orgasmed so hard she fried her ether glands. Considering her ether glands were abnormally large and her mana reserve was legendary, the orgasm would most likely cause her ACL to tear, and give her a herniated disk. It was a very logical fear she had this night. A night of sex could be ruined by one pulled thigh tendon that made a pony wish they never had legs. At least, that's what Rainbow Dash had said. She would trust her physical fitness guru on what a pulled thigh tendon felt like. Rainbow said it was on par of trying to crap out steel, except across the entire leg. A pain to numb her current senses sounded like an awfully good idea at the moment. Sometimes, a mare needs to improvise. Now I wonder what a door knob feels-

She had trouble thinking about anything else then wanting to see how much she could leak into a cup without suffering dehydration. She was that pent up, thanks to Pinkie Pie. She even knocked me out! she growled inside of her mind. Didn't even ask or warn me! What a primordial, cantankerous, bitch. There Pinkie was, massaging Twilight's overly sensitive horn, and then she just left Twilight out cold, literally. The unicorn had a heavy urge to show Pinkie what an anti-gravity spell and some physical constructs could do to orifices.I'll show you what fish mouthed *really** means Pinkie-*

The thoughts going through her head weren't exactly... conductive ones to have about friends, more so her best ones. Harmony wasn't exactly on her mind. Heavy amounts of neighing was. She inhaled and exhaled in the manner that Cadance had taught her - and tried not to think about her sister-in-law's and her brother's wife's shapely, tight flank cheeks spread open for use. Clap my hooves and cackle more likely, Cadance. You know how attractive ponytails are? You know how cute you are? Oh I'll give you a ponytail and yank on it so-

She let out a shout of repressed agony as she paced around in a circle, her loins driving the twenty year old mare in a manner she had never thought possible. My sex drive is only on the below average side. Why are you doing this to me!?

A hollow image of her snide, self righteous inner consciousness huffed proudly in front of her. I told you, the projection said. Youdidn't listen to me. Today wasn't going to be normal; you've been pent up for way too long, and now it's spreading around to your friends. It's going to reach a singularity that is boundto end poorly. This is why-

"Listen, here," Twilight snarled, slamming her morally superior projection into a bookshelf, "I'm really pissed off, and horny right now, so I'm not exactly thinking like I normally should. The last thing I need is you calling the shots, got it?" She didn't even wait for her mental projection to reply, the stuttering, ear wilted image of herself shaken by the unicorn violently. "So you better get the hay out of my way; and stop giving me logical, and fair, and balanced arguments, before I buck you with some apple beads. Big Mac sized. Got it?"

The projection burned and danced away from the air in a wisp of plasma colored smoke. With a swish of her tail, Twilight shimmied herself down onto the floor with a deep, soul purging sigh. And now, to think. Do I let off some, heh, steam?

She pondered for a moment, staring at the floor. Pleasuring herself wasn't going to cut it on the intimacy scale. Self pleasure magic was something she really didn't use, due to the amount of raw power she could channel, and her - dare she admit it - inexperience in the field. While no longer having a sex drive would be conducive for research in other fields, she in fact, enjoyed having physical pleasure from time to time, like any mare her age did. Sometimes, a mare just needed to stop thinking about a problem and let the primitive part of their brain go wild.

Besides, Doctor Hooves was stupidly hot. Mmm... and his tower matches the hair. If he wanted to see me sparkle, he could just hike up my tail with a good yank, slap my flank cheeks and-

"Oreos." It was the logical conclusion, in addition to slamming her head into the nearest book case, or in her case, applying blunt force trauma to her head to numb herself. She was an expert in mastering this field, in case the ample amounts of stupidity around her reached a critical mass.

It was mid afternoon, and she needed to wait one more hour - ish, and that improvised time killed her - before the six gathered at the spa to begin the symphony of what was surely going to be a life ending orchestral weapon of mass destruction. It was otherwise known in layman's terms as the adventure that would eventually end with them getting drunk and laid. She had that taste on the end of her tongue that just nipped at her. Tonight, was going to be life changing.

She needed it at this point. She was going insane enough at the simple thought of her friends planning her dating and mating life. It made her forehooves scratch at the floor in agitation. Something would solve this agitation. Pain.

Exhaling sharply from the end of her muzzle, Twilight churned to life a purple hammer that buzzed in front of her. She rotated the construct of magic that hummed sweetly in her ears. She smiled. Maybe I should try to build weapons like this, she thought smugly.Well, this should be a basic, and yet excellent choice of sexual repression. It's like castration through torture!

With a firm cock back of the hammer, she slammed it directly into her forehead, with expected results.

Twilight hissed in a serpentine manner to prevent herself from swearing for the fourth time that day, but it didn't stop her. She simply mumbled a rapid fire of Rainbow-approved language at around thirty decibels, the hammer shattering at her loss of concentration. She stumbled on her hooves to pull herself away from the site of impact, leaning on the kitchen counter for support.

Whatever Equish scholars out there said about vulgarities and intellect were damn wrong. Sometimes, four and five letter words said more than an entire paragraph could. She made a good dozen of them fly out between her teeth without apologizing once. Perhaps she could consider that to be a worthy experiment to try. Rainbow did it all the time, and she was relatively mellow. It did seem to have a moderately good effect on stopping her pain, and making the day just seem a little bit more bearable.

Something's missing, she thought drunkenly, panting as if she had laid an egg. Her forehooves rested firmly on the counter top, pressing as much of her weight as she could to focus on the pleasant high of tickling pain nerves. Something should be here, but it isn't. Oh! The Oreos! Silly me, how could I forget?

Her logical side offered a logical argument. Be-

You know,I’ve alwayswanted to try soul channeling magic. Although I’ve heard it could-

I’ll be quiet.

Good.

Her magic thrummed to life as she plopped herself down on a pillow, awaiting the chocolate gold that swirled in front of her in that blue package of sky-clad happiness. Sure, she was half as high as an airship thanks to damaging her forehead, but she didn’t care. It made life that much more wonderful currently. She didn't even attempt to be civil toward the box, but simply ripped open the top of it, taking a deep, earthly inhale. That alone, sent a shiver of delight to the more primitive parts of her brain.

There was something naughty about not consuming Pinkie Pie's baked goods and going with the chemical sludge pit of mass produced cookies. There was something equally naughty about not following her normal consumption routine with the cookies and winging it. With no regards to morality, she dragged her thick equine tongue over the tops of every cookie in the box, feeling the stamped letters crackle underneath her digestive saliva. Now the food was marked as only hers.

"Perfect," she purred, smacking her tail with excitement on the floor. "All mine. My... precious, chocolate, little foals. This day, is going to be perfect, the kind of day-"

"Scootaloo, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle! Don't look for those books. They will kill you!"

Twilight's body had found that being airborne was a fun past time at the sudden voice, her legs flailing about to find traction as she landed on her back, her snout smashing into the box of cookies. She had suddenly ended the mortal lives of a good chunk of them, crushing them into hardened bits of dough. She would forever have to live with her genocidal tendencies.

Silence was all that followed the slamming of the library door. Spike stared at his sister. She was on her back, forehooves curled up toward her chest and her hair covered in chunks of frosting and chocolate dough. Her mane was like a grape cookie sundae. Her eyes quivered with a hundred emotions rolling through her mind, looking at the dragon who was equally frantic, concerned, and desperate for answers. They both looked at each other for moments on end, and finally, it was Twilight who broke the silence. With tears.

It all came flooding loose. “Spike,” Twilight sniffled, “my friends are trying to control how I get laid, and they all want me to date each other, and Rarity wants me to date Rainbow, and Pinkie wants me to date Rarity, and Rainbow wants me to date Applejack, a-a-and Pinkie kissed me, and I liked it, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders saw us, and blackmailed us for Pinkie’s sweets, and told us that Applejack and Rainbow had sex but don't want a relationship, and I just want to let loose but I can’t yet! And my cookies...”

Spike stepped forward to wrap his claws around Twilight's muzzle, stroking through her mane affectionately. “And I caught Rarity and Fluttershy kissing and had to tell them to stop, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders do plan on getting drunk and having sex, and I thought getting laid was just cuddling, but I learned what sex was the hard way, and here I am, back here trying to stop them.”

“First off: AJ and I have totally not had sex and aren’t dating,” Rainbow said, perched on the library window. “We’re the best of pals and doing that would ruin what we got. Second: major props to you, Spike, for realizing Flutters’ loves Rarity so much as a friend, and ‘Shy told me that a few minutes ago. I’m really glad Rarity realizes that, and I need to thank her for it. Third: Pinkie and you would not work out in any world in the long run of things, and props to her for realizing that too. And fifth: told you Rares’ wants to hook us up, and you two would make a killer couple. Although... you and AJ would too, and I guess you found out about that. Crap."

“You skipped forth,” Twilight said.

The cyan mare smiled, shuffling herself on the window as she fluttered her wings. “I was doing it to check if ya weren’t a changeling.”

Both of the Elements stared at Spike in sudden fear, their eyes turning on the dragon in realization. "The Cutie Mark Crusaders are having sex!?"

"Well not yet!" Spike said, "although since they are horrible at flirting, I have a hunch they'll just get drunk and do each other."

“And you’re just going to let them do that?!” Twilight cried, grabbing hold of her younger brother.

“You’re the one who puts the history of pornography books out in public, because you tell me to!” Spike huffed. "Nice going, Twilight."

“And you look at them?” Twilight's purple eyes crackled with energy. "I thought you were more mature than that!"

Rainbow Dash snorted at the last statement, landing beside her friend and immune to the glare of torture that Twilight shot her.

Spike continued, his own emerald eyes defiant to Twilight's anger. “No, Twilight, I don’t look at pictures of naked ponies rubbing themselves-of course I do! I just... didn't realize what it was until now. And now I bet they’re looking at them too. So I'm here to stop them.” He would keep his secret motive to himself. It was the most important objective, minus his sister making a sword out of his body.

Twilight's horn whirled to life with a high pitched whine, books flying off of the library shelves as she pushed Spike away. Her eyes quickly scanned the dozens of titles in front of her. Every second that passed, she grew more agitated. "So why didn't you stop them before?" she said. Her tone was painfully calm.

"Because I was with them and suggested it, since you all were having a night out, we thought we could have one in." Spike looked between Rainbow and the line of books circling in the air. "Of course, not knowing what it all meant. Again, your fault, Twilight." Spike had now hit dragon sexual puberty, a few weeks early.

"He has a point," Dash said, poking her friend's side. "He's getting old enough."

"Shut up, Rainbow," Twilight snapped, the trail of tomes soon enough returning back into their original rows. As the books returned to their rightful homes, she took a deep, long inhale of air, closing her eyes to relax.

Spike scratched the back of his head. "Okay, it wasn't the best idea ever, but we can fix this! We-"

"The books aren't bucking here!" Twilight yelled to the heavens, pleading for an invisible force to solve her many woes. "I am grounding you forever, Spike, and we have to-"

Dash extended a forehoof across Twilight's chest, stopping the unicorn from moving. "First off, please swear more, because hearing that from you is maybe a top ten bucket list thing for me."

"Choke on-"

"Maybe later, but second, this calls for Fluttershy’s pot. That’ll solve everything.”

Twilight's ears wilted beside her frame, her anger having turned into pure melancholy. Her lips pouted, tears began to form in her violet eyes, and all hope of a future was gone. “And now... you want them... to get... high? This isn't Equestria. I'm dead. I'm the only one sane. I'm-"

“Well, duh,” Rainbow smirked. She extended her left wing, wrapping it around her friend as if they were talking about what wonderful skiing trip they were about to take. “They can’t handle pot, so they’ll most likely just pass out. Then, Spike can take the books, and the candy, and hide the alcohol, and then we all can yell at them tomorrow all angry like and they’ll be scared crapless. I’m sure pot’ll be pretty awesome for him since he’s a dragon, and that’s something we should totally study in the future. Think of it as like, a reward for him doin’ all of this, and hey, you keep him really pent up, so it's not his fault he got jealous of us. He deserves a night of fun.”

The librarian blinked rapidly in reflection. As soon as her sadness and anger flipped, stunning awe gleamed across her muzzle. “W-w-wow. Rainbow Dash, your jury-rigged plan completely makes sense, and would work.” Why didn’t I think of this!?

Headache remember? Her logical side had a good point.

I told you to shutup!

Dash couldn't help but squee for the third time that day, grinning like an idiot at intellectual praise from the intellectual herself, and uncaring at how it made her less cool. “I’m not a complete idiot. I’m-”

Twilight stared down Spike, pressing her muzzle into his. “And when did you learn about sex and drugs and alcohol, Spike? This-”

Spike Sparkle, slapped his sister across the face.

“I’m right freakin’ here," he growled darkly. "you don’t have to yell. Twilight, you need to calm down. Sometimes, a man has to grow-”

Twilight, was livid. Steam blew out of her ears at the slap across her face. “Did you-”

“Seriously, calm the buck down,” Rainbow said, slapping the back of Twilight’s head with a wing, knocking off the crumbs in Twilight's mane. “We’ll talk to Spike later. For now, we got foals about to break the law that Spike has to stop.”

Spike blinked. "Well I thought-"

“You,” Rainbow said calmly. “We’re about to get plastered, so saving the world isn’t something I’m up for right now. Soyou do it. We’ll totally not kill you tomorrow if you do it.”

Spike sighed wearily. “Is pot as awesome as I think it is?”

“When you’re in the right mood, completely amazing,” Rainbow said with a rapid swish of her tail.

I can’t believe I’m letting my little brother get-

You were thirteen when you first did it too. Lyra and Octavia and-

I want my mom...

“Alright! I’m gonna do this and you all won’t be let down!” Spike puffed up his scales and frame heroically. “Just, you all have to show me one day what being drunk is all about. And don’t give me-”

“Spike,” Dash said. “Twelve year old foals, fondling each other. Getting caught.”

Spike roared out of the library at a speed that Rainbow Dash simply whistled at. “Damn,” Dash nickered. “That guy’s got some-”

"And you knew that Rarity wanted us to get together and you didn't say anything?" Twilight growled at Rainbow, slamming her into a bookshelf with her forehooves. Twilight let a rumbling, feline hiss escape from the end of her muzzle, watching Rainbow’s eyes turn into pinkish dots of fear.

Dash bit her bottom lip. "I didn’t tell you because... damn it, I have a crush on you, Twi', but I got problems I don't wanna drag you into. My current is several hundred miles south than where it needs to be, so I don't want to drag you into it. I just..." Her ears folded at the side of her frame. "I just want to make you happy, and I think AJ can do better than me; she can be your first better than anypony. I didn't think about it at the table, but I did afterwards. I was afraid to say anything, so I said nothing. She and me think she’ll work too. And I didn't want to hurt your feelings or burst anyponies bubble, so I just went along with wanting to help you score, and-"

"Oh, so you really do want to control who I want to have sex with?" Twilight whinnied, yanking her friend up with all her might fused in with crackles of purple magic dancing around her forehooves. A cry of pain emanated from Rainbow's throat as she was held up by her chest fluff, pressed into the book case without mercy. "Give me one reason I should listen to you over anypony else."

Rainbow's eyes began to tear up. "B-b-because I have the most experience and I care for you?"

Twilight's magenta aura pinched Dash's wing bones, sending out a cry out of the cyan mare's muzzle. "Give me one reason I shouldn't hate all of you for a week for doing this to me! I'm not some Canterlot courtesan!"

"Because we want to make you happy, Twi'." Rainbow's voice was parched and cracked, her eyes looking down at her friend in complete submission. "Twilight, please stop, you're hurting me."

"Maybe I want to choose my first, Rainbow Dash." Twilight growled ferally, pressing her muzzle into the pegasus' own. The pressure of glowing magic on the athlete's mid back tightened, crackles of lightning dancing around Dash's powerful wing base.

"And we don't w-w-want you to get burned. Twilight, stop that hurts!” Tears welled up in the corners of Dash’s eyes, her wings tightening, digging into her sides. “Please! Stop, it hurts so much! We're doing this for you.”

"I freaking hate all of you right now!" Twilight shouted. "And you all controlling me like some pawn doesn’t hurt? Seriously. And you, of all my friends doesn't respect my doubts on all of this? Rainbow Dash, I'm-"

"Because I love you, Twilight Shimmering Sparkle." Rainbow Dash began to sob, tears of pain streaking down her snout. "And if I had my horse apples in a row, I'd want you to be my special somepony, and hey, fuck it, my otherwing. I love you more than life. And..."

With a crack of broken magic, Twilight pulled away her squeeze on Rainbow, watching her land on the ground, unable to support her own weight as she wept. "Rainbow, don't you ever use an oath like that!"

"I... I love you, Twilight Sparkle," Rainbow cried. "You want to know why I'm so protective of you? Because I got burned on my first, and second, and pony crap, most of my clop partners. I can handle it. Rarity can, Applejack can, hay, Pinkie can, and Fluttershy is tougher than she looks. You though..."

Tears poured down Rainbow's plasma colored eyes, dropping onto the floor. Her wings laid beside her body, broken, dead, lifeless. Simply looking up at her friend, was a Hell all by itself. "I don't want you to ever feel that pain if I can help it. I was gonna look over anypony tonight so hard, to see if they would hurt you. But Applejack made me realize: why should you go looking, when you have a friend here who can show you everything and help you for the future? That's why."

"Because I love you more than the Wonderbolts." It came out of Rainbow's throat cracked and raw, shaking her head at her admission. She didn't have the will to look at Twilight anymore. "I...I said it. Suck my tits, I said it, and I don't regret saying it. And I swear by my ancestors, Twilight, Applejack will show you what... what love can really feel like. I swear by my wings, trust me on this. Because if I didn't fall for you, I would've fallen for her."

"Rainbow Dash..." Twilight scooped up her crying friend, stroking through her wild mane. She couldn't stop the silent tears pouring from her own muzzle, listening to the pegasus pour her heart out through choked sobs. All she could do at the moment, was let her friend weep, her anger gone and replaced by listening to a soul release its burden. "Rainbow, why do you hold in these things all the time? You're going to kill yourself from the stress. You're... hurting us."

"Because that's my job, Twilight." Rainbow pulled her muzzle back to look into Twilight's eyes, the magenta glow on her own bloodshot, faded, and weak. "I'd rather die then hurt you all."

"I don't want you to be a martyr, Rainbow!" Twilight sniffled loudly, clinging to Dash's coat. "Stop this! It... it hurts me."

Rainbow shook her head. "I... I can't stop. I can't stop holding these things in to make life easier for you, you know? Maybe you see why this is so important to me. Because I want you to never forget your first, and well... Applejack isn't going to hurt you and cry like a bitch. Like me." She snorted loudly, wiping her nose with a forehoof. "So yeah." Rainbow Dash chuckled snidely. "Feel free to break my wings now. Just gag me, so the police don't come. I'll say I broke them in some-"

A forehoof gently placed itself on Dash's lips, violet eyes staring into the deep magenta of a sun dying and reborn from emotions let loose. "Rainbow Lightning Dash." Twilight let her friend's full name hover in the air, stroking through the prismatic flow of Rainbow's mane. "Kiss me. Convince me with your lips. Show me what you think Applejack can show me. Show me what you think I can't show you."

"You can, Twi'," Dash whispered, cupping Twilight's cheek, "but this isn't about me anymore. Sometimes you have to give up something you want, for something you need. I want you, but I don't need you. I... I need... Rarity. I need a girl like her who can handle me, and help me grow socially. A-a-and you need Applejack. She's dependable, and honest. I'm not being selfish; I'm being honest. Please, you can break my heart, Twi', but don't make me see yours-"

Twilight finished the sentence for Rainbow.

Her muzzle tilted to the side, letting the fuzzy tip of her snout fur rub into Rainbow's before it connected to her friend's lips. The faintest nip of sound reached both of their ears. "Kiss me once, and I'll get Rarity for you, if you want her. But if things don't work for us, or if you and Applejack don't want to be mates, let me decide, if I, want you."

Dash's left forehoof stroked underneath Twilight's chin as their muzzles reconnected, her lips sealing and slowly melting away. It connected as quickly as it pulled back, letting their snout tips bump together teasingly. The unicorn loved every moment of it. Her horn flared to life to gently stroke the sides of Rainbow's thick coat with faint trickles of magic, her tongue reaching out to lick over Rainbow's nose.

Rainbow Dash would have none of that. Her teeth reached out to nip at the bottom lip of Twilight's, sending forth a gentle huff of delight from the mouth of the unicorn, only egging Rainbow on. Dash pressed into the kiss. Her forehooves brushed through and sensually stroked though the long locks of Twilight's flowing mane, brushing through the waterfall of smooth perfection. The two mares were in their own world, letting the faint pops of their snouts gently breaking apart, the sinful licks of their tongues nipping each other's own, and the peaceful sedation of love and life fill their hearts.

Twilight pressed Rainbow Dash’s back onto the bookshelf once again, forcing both of the mares to stand up on their hind legs as she pinned her forehooves onto Rainbow’s, forcing Rainbow back to where she once was. The kiss continued, growing louder with each passing second as Dash’s wings wrapped around Twilight’s purple coat, giving the mare a firm, protective squeeze. The feathery nub tips of her wings slid down Twilight's body, rubbing over her cutie mark sensually, sending bolts of stimulation across her flank cheeks. Their tongues merged together inside of Rainbow's muzzle, letting gentle trickles of saliva and the quiet huffs of the two Elements fill their lungs and ears with the pleasantries of the moment. Nothing else mattered.

This... is what love must feel like. If Rainbow wants me to have this, why can’t she give it to me?

Because she’s afraid of hurting you, and even that tiny chance is too much for her, Twilight. Stop. Either let her continue herself, or stop. That’s what she wants; it’s what she’s wanted this whole time. For you to find someone special, from day one; she was just too afraid to admit it.

The kiss ended, far too soon for Twilight's liking. Her lips pulled back, amethysts gently looking up at the pinkish rubies staring quietly at her. “You would've ruined the whole night for everypony just to protect me wouldn't you?” Twilight asked. "If none of this happened. You know that would've most likely ended with us figuring it out."

Rainbow faintly panted from the kiss, her tongue hanging out of her muzzle as her forehooves held softly onto Twilight's sides. "I'm... not exactly, the best, when it comes to tactics. And, well... I'm kinda a bit of a bitch like that. Comes with my price tag. No one touches purple butt without my approval. Even if you hate it too, Twi’, I just can’t let you get hurt. You’d have to break my wings and legs to stop anypony from hurting you, even you hurting yourself.”

Twilight snorted darkly, shaking her snout from side to side. “You are at times, Rainbow. Your logic is so messed up and so right at the same time.”

Rainbow winked, flicking her tail against the book case. “I’m a Pinkie, you hybrid. I’m just hotter than both of you combined.”

Twilight slapped her friend’s talent tattoos loudly at her snide comment, only to hiss to herself afterwards as she shook her hooves in pain. “Damn it, Rainbow! Jeez, I never knew your flank was so... hard.”

“Man, I guess all the karate, and staff fighting, and flying, and working out really didn't do anything." Rainbow stuck out her tongue playfully, her mane ruffled wildly by Twilight in return. "Huh. Should try-”

Twilight almost kissed her friend again. No. That was the only time. She simply booped Dash on the nose. “And Rarity’s flank is... slightly hard underneath," she pondered.

Rainbow’s cerise eyes opened wide at the statement. “And you know this?...”

The grin spreading over Twilight's muzzle grew with every passing second. “Because she does yoga, and I’m sure you’d enjoy that, just like AJ can teach me... heh, ropes.”

A faint, glowing blush began to appear across Rainbow’s cheeks. “W-well I-”

Twilight pressed her advantage, raising her eyebrows suggestively at the increasingly red cheeked pegasus. “And she’s really good at doing a lot of ‘controlled’ magic.”

Dash, was not capable of words. “U-U-hh-”

Twilight was grinning far too widely for her own good. “I think, it’s time for Rarity to taste a bit of her own medicine. Right, Rainbow? So if Applejack, you, and me work together, I think we can outsmart the minx at her own game.”

“S-s-scaring me again, Twilight,” Dash whimpered.

        “Oh, I scare myself sometimes, but that’s part of the game, Rainbow Dash. Rarity can play Chess. But I play Mahjong.”

Chapter Eleven: Truth Or Dare With A Change Of Hair

Chapter Eleven: Truth Or Dare, A Change of Hair

It was all coming into place. The day had gone so awry already, and the stress was nipping at Rarity's hooves to the point it felt like she was standing on hot coals. That sort of thing tended to happen when one spent two thousand bits at the drop of a hat.

That thought alone scared her. She had not spent that much money on any one thing not related to her business since the Gala for her girlfriends more than two years ago. Except this time, it was raw cash instead of goods. It only made the thought that much more hellish. It was a good thing she could repress such thoughts as once in a lifetime purchases. It also happened to be good to know at least Twilight would thank her for eternity for finding the librarian her first play date. And perhaps, permanent marefriend.

Everything was going according to plan. At least, the improvised plan of genius that Rarity was so fabulous at making. One must always compliment themselves during strokes of excellence, and Rarity Gemma, you should be *damn** proud of what you have done tonight! Soon,* everythingwill trot into place.

The six Elements had gathered at Lotus and Aloe's Spa as the sun began to curve over the horizon, all of them mentally preparing themselves for whatever fashion bomb the artisan might drop on all of them. What they didn't expect, was it to be so... mild. Rarity, truly meaning what she had said about the changes to their manes and tails being mild?No hidden context? Good, let them think that, Rarity hummed inside of her head. Let them think that indeed.

There was much to do and so little time to do it. Her friends didn't even realize how much she had in stock for them. She'd be lying to herself if she wasn't scared, but perhaps, that too, was part of the adventure and mystery of it all. Perhaps Rainbow Dash is right in some weird way, she thought. The unknown, as Twilight would say. At this point, it was left in the hooves of her friends, and her improvised plan spoke of a mad merger of what Rainbow and Twilight would come up with in some twisted, dark world. A plan like that, just spoke of insanity. Hopefully, Rarity could control it.

The Elements' manes and tails were being tirelessly preened by a dozen ponies, their hair underneath silver domes that soaped and shaped them to the delight of one very happy Rarity. They chatted casually, the alcohol all of them had consumed earlier - although that was currently a state secret - made the affair more peaceful. They all needed it. It was going to be a long night.

It was time though, for Rarity to begin the Game. Truth, or Dare. What better time to start then in the middle of a makeover? She wanted to throw them off guard. Make them have to think about her intentions. Let them think I have something planned.

"You know," Twilight began, "Rarity, I never thought that you would be true to not going overboard, not that I think you are a liar or anything!" She clopped her forehooves together nervously, in that adorable manner that she did.

Twilight's words pulled Rarity away from her mental conversation, the lovely voice of her fellow unicorn breaking her trail of thought. Oh I hope to one day have a foal like her! her mind randomly commented. She sighed at the thought of a foal with Twilight's voice, intellect, cunning, beauty, sweetness.That is, if I can stand the little bastard. Bloody screaming in your ears and ruining your sleep. Adorable when they aren't your own! Love you, Sweetie Belle.

"I just think it's time that after over three years of our hair styles being static to try something new." Rarity looked over at Twilight with endearment, giving her a playful wink. "Besides, it will keep to who we are as ponies; and come now, I think Rainbow Dash is foaming at the gums to see me wrestle Applejack." She glanced toward Dash, rolling her eyes at the glowing smile across Rainbow's muzzle. "Please be a dear, and realize extensive monetary expenses and dirty mud wrestling aren't things I normally enjoy. Trust me. I'm not a shopaholic, and you all know that. And as much fun as I had running with my sister, there is only so much I can do before I have a seizure. Twilight knows my pain all too well."

"Uhh, duh?" Rainbow said, her forehooves curled toward her chest. The manure eating grin across her snout was legendary. "Who doesn't find mud wrestling stupidly hot? And I kind of get off to seeing you squirm in agony." Dash sighed in a peaceful manner that few of her friends had ever heard before, Rarity wincing at the jab that Dash threw her way. "Seriously, this deep mane massage is... mmm, it should bebanned for how good it feels." The pegasus shivered at the earth mare rubbing her scalp and snout, clearly on her own Cloud Nine.

Rarity waved a forehoof casually at Rainbow. '"Yes, yes, Rainbow, you enjoy musky mares and make me contemplate sending a needle inside of you. Lovely, lovely, lovely. I do think it's time we begin our little fun now though, no?" Rarity said. Her friends turned their heads to look at her in bemusement. "Anything we can't do now we do when our manes are done and when we are out of the hair of the wonderful mares and their' employees' talented hooves. Let's just keep it... civil."

"Rarity has a point," Pinkie said, stroking her chin with a forehoof. "Today has been weird, so why not do extra stuff early! I like it!"

"Besides, if it gets too intense for us, I brought my best batch of cannabis from Amstabledam," Fluttershy hummed happily, clopping her hooves together. "If Rarity is being so nice, I can be too!"

Fluttershy unstrapped a small clip on box from behind her left wing, resting it on her stomach. Her aqua eyes gleamed in excitement, as if she was Twilight about to talk about a new theory that was sending a shock wave through the scientific world. "This batch was grown by the royal family, and I had to have it imported, including the soil." She tittered in rapid excitement, blushing at her friends at the energy flowing through her body. "I haven't even tried it yet! I've heard it might be the best in all of Ungulia. Very expensive too, but for my friends and Twilight's best night, I can't think of any way I'd rather use it."

Rainbow's reaction summed up everything in one word. "Nice!" Rainbow squeed. She was setting a current record for the amount of squees she had done in a month, in one day. "Fluttershy, you havethe best weed in Equestria. Why didn't I think about it? That you would bring some today! Oh my gosh, this night is going to be killer!"

Twilight croaked, choking on a ball of rice that didn't exist. "Fluttershy, are youinsane? You are in a public building! We could get arrested, or worse!" Her eyes had turned into quivering dots of panic.

"Yes, Twilight," Rarity said, "we've saved the world four times, and you're the Princess' pupil, and we all know her on a first name basis. Therefore, she's going to arrest you and disown you for smoking marijuana like most college ponies do." She leaned toward Twilight, covering her muzzle with a disgusted gasp. "Woe to you for betraying her trust like that! Almost ruining her nieces wedding? A scolding. But gettinghigh? The nerve of you!"

"But-"

Five mares collectively stared at Twilight trying to make a counter argument, their eyes turning into lithe slits at Twilight fumbling for words. The only result was Twilight letting out a deep, loud groan in defeat.

Fluttershy began to open the box innocently. "Would you like some now, Twilight?" Fluttershy asked. "I... think you could use some. If the hair massages aren't working, this might do it for you."

"Itold her earlier she needed to calm the hay down, but she hasn't listened to me!" Rainbow added. She gave a playful smile to the librarian that Rarity caught in the corner of her eye. Oh? Did the two have some early dippings? Rarity pondered.No, Twilight would be high already from what I've heard Rainbow is capable of. Perhaps...

"Yeah, girl," Applejack added, patting Twilight's stomach gently, "you might need an early hit of reefer. I can't believe I just said that, but sometimes, weird things happen in Ponyville."

"I do not!" Twilight growled softly. "And don't pat my stomach, Applejack. I don't need any more reinforcement of how fat I am."

Rarity and Pinkie Pie whistled sharply. "Here we go," they said in unison.

"Iam fat!" Twilight cried, pointing to her soft stomach. "Just look at me!"

"We talked about this already, Twilight," Pinkie said flatly, suckling on a glass of water. Her cerulean eyes were firmer than usual. "You aren't, you're adorable, and if you are that worried about it, we'll help you. Right, Rainbow?"

"Sure, sure," Rainbow rumbled, waving a wing dismissively at the comment, "but Twi' looks hot to me," Rainbow grinned. "I've always been a fan of husky mares though, and come on, you're adorkable! Now all you need is a ponytail, and glasses, and-"

Twilight growled louder at Rainbow, only causing her friend to snort out repressed cackles from the end of her muzzle.

Rarity could not stop herself from grinning. It seems I was right, after all. What am I talking about? Of *course** I was right! They just have wonderful chemistry with each other, even if Twilight denies it.*

Applejack wrapped a forehoof around Twilight's shoulder, giving the unicorn a gentle, loving squeeze. "Now if you are that concerned about yer weight, I'm sure we can help ya, Twi'. 'Sides, I'm two twenty, and that's almost as heavy as most non-Earth pony colts."

"I told you," Rarity sang, letting out a quiet sigh. "You really need to let yourself go and relax, sweetie. Now let it all out. What is your normal weight, darling?"

"One eighty six," Twilight mumbled, looking away from just about everything in the room.

"Aha! I'm one ninety! There, dear, you are lighter than me ideally, so you can't broker some argument! I'm sure if you are as paranoid as you are, we can get you down to what you want to be. It isn't as if we don't have two if the fittest ponies in Ponyville here who can more than happily help you within reason." She really needs a confidence boost. Hence, Rainbow. Or... maybe not Rainbow, when I think about it. She did her best not too.

Fluttershy gently sniffed the box on her stomach, shivering at the faint scent wafting from the ornate container. "I'm one eighty five, but I don't do anything other than my job, so... I can't really help you, Twilight."

Dash spread her famous wings casually, stroking down the powerful muscles connected to her back with her forehooves. "One hundred and eighty one pounds of lean muscle and perfection." The ego boost caused all of her friends to softly groan at the expected result. "Twilight, I'll give you a girlmance promise: if ya want to trim down, I won't kill you by working you to death, promise. It might feel like it, but I won't. 'Sides, seeing you all-"

Rarity pressed her forehooves together loudly. "Now, subject change before Twilight decides to kill us all. I'm not a fan of Twilight testing out a new kind of lethal magic. Are any of you? Good." The other Elements opened their mouths to reply, but were shut down by the alabaster mare quickly. "Let us start with six rounsd for now, since we have some very important places we must go to after here. And I am... not sure how much Lotus and Aloe can handle us doing what we do." She winked at the earth mares in question.

With her friends glancing in mild confusion at each other, Rarity pressed forward. W-w-well, I guess I blew my cover of direct contact and tried to hard, so you might as well go all in for now! "Rainbow, since I'm the one paying for all of this, I get to go first. True, orDare?" Time to push Dash into the napalm, she hummed.

Rarity mentally blinked at the sheer magenta that looked back at her. It wasn't Dash's beautiful orbs, but dare she admit it, the calculus that reflected off of the faint twitches going around Rainbow's face. Those micro expressions that Rarity had so trained herself to read. I've never seen her thinking so hard, Rarity thought. What is she up too? Doesn't matter. Curveball time. This isn't a game she can play to win.

"Dare." Rainbow said it as quickly as Rarity had expected.

Rarity slowly smirked. "When our hair is done, I want you to make out with Applejack for thirty seconds." And... strikeout.

The way the heat sank from Dash's blue cheeks made Rarity burst out into a deep, belly shaking laugh, clopping her forehooves together in hysterics. She couldn't keep her composure as Applejack's face joined the raw horror of Dash's. Pinkie Pie wasn't far behind in laughing either, and nor was the formerly tortured Twilight. All three of the mares began pouring out gasps from their lungs, and even Fluttershy too, began to giggle in mirthful delight.

"Yes!" Pinkie squealed, her voice cracking as a hiccup burst from her muzzle. "And the crowd, goes, wild!"

"Eat it, Rainbow!" Twilight giggled, snorting out a small laugh. "This will be wortheverything I've been put through today! You two... oh..."

Applejack's face nearly matched Rainbow's, horror and shock melting into one mixed drink of disgust. Rainbow and Applejack looked at each other, sharing the same expression before their burning eyes stared at Twilight Sparkle. "Twilight," Applejack whickered, "how could ya laugh at this!? Yer bein' a mighty large bitch right now, if you can pardon my screw-you."

"B-b-because schadenfreude is something I find extremely funny," Twilight cooed, "more so when it's my friends. I learned it from Rainbow! I have to do something to keep myself from going insane."

"You are theworst on the coolness scale, Twilight!" Dash said. "Applejack's my girl! I can't-"

"Oh so you two have been dating? Congratulations!" Fluttershy sighed deeply. A barely shown smirk appeared on the corner of her mouth. Oh how we have corrupted you, Fluttershy, Rarity smiled mentally. "I always knew-"

"Pinkie, Truth or Dare?" Dash deflected, her cheeks a solid red more akin to the hair in her mane. She folded her forehooves in protest, looking at Applejack's equally heated cheeks. All Rarity could do was smirk to herself. Think I'm setting you and Twilight up, hmm, Dash?

"Dare! You all know that I never stop speaking the truth about myself anyways!" Pinkie said, sighing into the massaging of her tail. "Ohh. Dashie is right, this feels way too good to have ponies squeezing my cotton candy. Well, the legally allowed to squeeze in public kind!"

A confident smile slowly returned to Rainbow's muzzle, glancing for just the shortest of moments at Rarity. "After I make out with Applejack," she whispered, "you have to spend thirty seconds massaging and kissing one of her Talent Tattoos."

Even if Rarity had the most expensive and grandest tasting bottle of wine from the most sacred orders of Prench monks, she would of shot it out of her mouth as if Applejack had bucked her rib cage at the dare.

Her mind equally agreed. The hay!? I... ohh... I can't... that is just *priceless!***

"Okie dokie!" Pinkie said casually, as if she was asked to put sprinkles on some ice cream.

Applejack slammed her forehooves on the chair she was sitting in, forcing the two colts who were grooming her tail and mane to jump back."Yashittin' me, RD?! You freakin' butch camel droppin'. Go stick a wild hog's tusk up your vag, girl!"

All five of the other mares broke out into tear producing laughter, including the pegasus in question who was insulted. While the staff stared at each other as the Elements cried in bliss, all Rarity could think about was that the plan could be damned, if only this one time at the simple sight of Applejack being more annoyed than perhaps Rarity had ever seen her friend in her entire life. Oh this is... Oh, I think I pulled an organ I didn't know I had!

"Okay, okay," Twilight panted. "I have no right to be angry for the rest of the night. This is just too incredible. This is astronomically amazing. Applejack, I'm sorry you've been the blunt of the jokes today, but..." She grinned darkly at Applejack. "Okay, I'm not, because-"

Applejack looked down the barely breathing Twilight in disgust. "You better not be hopin' you taste of grape, Twilight, cause I am half tempted to squeeze you dry." The moment Twilight's cheeks turned fiery crimson from the comment was when the gales of joy picked up once more, sending everypony but the frozen Twilight into a wheezing hail of panting huffs. It resulted in more tittering giggles from the everypony in the room, other than the staff. Complete bliss was etched across the muzzles of all of them. Not a single one of them regretted it.

And this, is *exactly** as I had planned for it to be,* Rarity cooed to her lovely internal voice. **Nopony* is going to tell me to do otherwise! Hah! In control yet again m'dear. Everypony has no idea what is going on.*

She stopped to think about that thought. I... don't think that's a good thing.

Even Pinkie Pie was barely alive from the amount of air she had let loose from her lungs, a rarity all by itself. "This... this shouldn't be allowed," she panted. "If... if you all are hurting my body, then... oh hay filled calzones, Fluttershy, Truth, or Dare?"

"Truth," Fluttershy said, her cheeks flushed from giggling, "because I'm not drunk or high yet, so I can't do dares. If... that's okay." She cowered, letting out a gentle meep. "I don't want to spoil the fun!"

"Oh, don't worry about it," Pinkie nickered playfully, "you're so much fun and silly tipsy, so it's okay! But it still isn't an easy one, but that's the point of the game! Now, if you were forced to roll in the hay with any of us, who would it be?"

Fluttershy leaned back in her chair, staring up at the ceiling in contemplation. "Well, Rarity's bed is uncomfortable and I'd most likely pull a wing, so sorry, Rarity."

That- "Fluttershy!" Rarity cried, throwing her forehooves into the air and almost hitting an attendant, "my bed is firm and supportive-"

"It would be awful for creative positions,” she continued, “and as a mare who does yoga, you should be ashamed to not have a soft bed for sensual pleasure. Despite how the pony spine can adjust to many things, I don't think making love on a rock is something I'd, umm, enjoy."

Rarity was a sputtering, flailing mess as the other four Elements hollered themselves raw. It is *one** thing for her to dodge what we did earlier today, but it is* anotherthing entirely for her to just-

"You just... you just got owned by Fluttershy!" Dash cracked, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Please let me out of this chair, I'm going to pee myself! I can't... this is the greatest moment, of, my, life."

Oh I willget you under my horn and ram it straight up your behind, Rainbow Dash. Rarity growled at the pegasus mentally, content to let her sapphire eyes convey the hatred inside of her soul. It made the athlete squeal that much harder.

"We will do exactly that," Lotus mumbled. "You all should be glad to know we are trained professionals. At least I can say we are proud of our work."

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth. "But what about Fluttershy's-"

"As much as we enjoy the loyalty of Miss Rarity and Miss Fluttershy," Aloe added, "we think you six are getting a bit... rowdy, yes sister?"

Rarity could not stop herself from grinning. Revenge could absolutely, be served. Reveal, one cyan pegasus.

With the hiss of a parting mane dryer, Rainbow Dash didn't even try to get up in the normal manner a pony would. She pushed herself off of her chair with her forehooves, flipping through the air to land on the ground. "Alright, I'm gonna be so ticked off if-"

What was once formerly a chromatic and cropped mane, had become a typhoon of wild and berserk hair that made five mares gasp as one.

Now.

Rainbow herself was wide eyed at the waterfall of colors that rolled down to nearly her mid-back. It was a long river of vibrant lights, chained down by a ponytail that began at the back of her snout and cascaded down her neck and the front of her shoulders. It was an arced rainbow of sharp, bright hair that freely twirled and intermingled with the gentle flick of her snout. It was truly untamed, truly feral, truly free.

Her tail was hiked up higher by a lightly pressured, invisible tail wrap, and yet it too was an equally spirited, flowing vortex of prismatic due. Longer by half a hoof, Dash's tail showed off more of her lean and tight hindquarters, giving perhaps the most subtle of teasing looks with every trot she made.

One point for Rarity.

"I... I'm... I'm beautiful." It came out as if Rainbow ever doubted her physique or what she could become. She turned around swiftly to watch her new mane and the thick strings of hair dance on the momentum she generated, dozens of strands flailing in the wind behind her.

By the time Applejack was pulled free, there was only a few seconds between her standing on all fours, and the sudden contact of Rainbow Dash giving her everything she had. It was impossible for Rarity not to beam. And, two. One never doubts the released sexual desires of two pent up best friends that truly, just need to sit down, rut each other, and get it over with. Although they are... a bit... adamant though.

Applejack's mane and tail had been untangled, unhinged, cleaned up and let loose. Or perhaps, not quite untangled, but it was let loose regardless. There was nothing complex about it, but clearly, it struck a chord with Rainbow Dash, who caught the flustered and stumbling earth mare off guard to the point she fell back into her chair. With additional company. Applejack's blond mane and tail needed no length added; it simply needed to be unhinged from its hat and tie, its golden locks of thick, dense silk falling open like unfarmed grain waving in the prairie winds. The bundles of wheat that Applejack let grow for so long, exposed to the world. Rainbow seemed to love every moment of it.

Rainbow dug her forehooves into and through the wall of blond that resisted her every stroke, the sucking sounds of the two tom girls kissing echoing in the air. They had sworn to never do this openly again and again, but perhaps unleashing their already berserk manes had triggered something more. Dash pressed herself into her friend as their snouts rubbed into one another, Applejack returning the caressing. She stroked through the hundred lines of the rainbow on top of her with one forehoof, and groped her friend's firm behind with another, digging into the flesh. The two mares seemed oblivious to the world, letting their dancing tongues and lips speak for themselves.

"Holy, crap." Pinkie whispered, "is everypony kissing everypony today? So that's why so many ponies find you two to be adorable. And-" The pink mare gasped softly, leaping out of her chair to look at her mane. "Oh my gosh, Rarity, it's amazing!" Three.

Pinkie's mane didn't need an extensive overhaul in length either, but it was time for the pink filly to see herself as not just cute, but stunning. Her energy and youthfulness could be used for great effect, and Rarity sought exactly that.

Most of the puff in her friend's mane had been gently gel brushed back and stroked out, ending its tips in the swirling curls that accented Pinkie's personality. It was still a mass of cotton candy, more like the finest swirl of polished sugar than the wild pour it once was. Groomed to the right of her snout, it still rolled over her cheeks to gently touch her shoulders, adding a bubble gum color of joyful peace. Her tail had been polished to stand out as well, more like a 'proper' pony tail, but it too, was a jubilant mass of pink sugar that just didn't want to conform.

Clearly, the owner of all that pink didn't mind how formal and yet bouncy it looked, to the point Pinkie Pie simply tackled Rarity straight out of her chair. "Oh my gosh, Rarity, it's so pretty!" Pinkie squeed, applying an ample kiss to her friend's muzzle. "And oh my gosh, you and me can be sisters!"

A dark sigh escaped Rarity's muzzle. "Thank you, Pinkie, for slamming me out of my chair like you are keen to do-don't pet me, I'm not a pettable object!" Rarity's own mane had been simplified for the future chaos that was sure to unfold in the later hours. Gently weaving down her back and the corners of her cheeks, the wall of purple was a curtain of mystical beauty that ended in small, accenting curls. It had been unlocked from the extremely long helix that it once had been. To Rarity herself, it aged her down, and made her look and feel like the vibrant youth that she was. It was something different, and yet, something refreshing. Her tail too, was more gravity approved except on the very end, curving upwards into small little twirls of purple decorations, free from the helix it nearly always was.

If only Pinkie Pie would get off of her and let the mare-

Are Rainbow and Applejack stillkissing!?

Indeed, they were. Lotus and Aloe had simply facehooved as they let the two Elements go at each other’s snout and tongue, leaving the other four Elements watching in awe. By this point, Rainbow Dash had straddled Applejack's, showing off the definition in her flank cheeks from years of physical training. She stroked through Applejack’s mane and snout cheeks as if the two mares were strippers about to give a show. And yet, the orange mare was all over her friend, sensually stroking down Rainbow's lean frame while they deeply kissed, ending her caress with a loud slap to the blue thighs on her. Well... that escalated-

“Don’t you quote memes without my permission, Rarity!” Pinkie Pie huffed on top of her, booping Rarity on the horn.

“Oh sod off, Pinkie," Rarity shot back, ignoring how her friend could read her mind.  "I did it when we faced all those changelings the second time!”

Pinkie prodded Rarity's muzzle, an intense glare radiating from the cerulean orbs staring into Rarity’s sharp sapphire. “I’m watching you,” she growled.

“And I think I’ve watched enough of you two making out,” Twilight said, pulling Rainbow and Applejack apart with a crackle of red energy. Twilight's own mane and tail didn’t need much altering either; why alter what already made the librarian beautiful to begin with? With some unclogging of her flat and flowing mane, the wild berries of color in her hair were able to freely flow over her forehead and shoulders much like they did before. Though this time, they could lushly bounce in the air with every turn of her muzzle.

When Applejack and Rainbow Dash caught their saliva covered and panting bearings, Rarity couldn’t help but grin at the way the Dash's eyes caught onto the majestic tranquility of Twilight’s new look. That, would be four.

And speaking of tranquility. Fluttershy was tittering herself to death in excitement over the current show of love, clearly overjoyed at Applejack's and Rainbow's passionate make out. With her mane flowing forwardly and pulled from behind her neck, it made a misty river of gentle pink roll over the side of her cheek more smoothly than ever before. It accented her model like body and hair, adding that faint freespirited touch that it needed. Lifting up her tail just a pinch to keep it from hanging on the ground, and the filly looked stunning. “I’m so happy for you two!” Fluttershy said. “I thought it was just a game, but that’s wonderful that you two enjoy each other like that. Sexual attraction is natural and a good start to a loving relationship.”

Rarity simply sighed, both mentally, and aloud. And perhaps... a bit obvious, but it makes you adorable, Fluttershy.

Rainbow Dash sputtered as reality once again decided to grace her eternal mind, only sending out a trundle of mixed spittle from her muzzle that was stained a fiery cherry. The look of determined ‘disgust’ on Twilight’s snout slowly became a giggling, and then laughing gale of force at the scoffing, shy couple in front of her. “I’m trying to think of something to say,” Twilight said, “but I just-”

“Don’t, say, anything,” Applejack growled, shoving the pegasus on top of her onto the ground as she pulled herself up onto her hooves. "Don't, say, anything," she repeated, trotting past Twilight with a snap of her now unhinged tail. It cracked across Twilight's side, only resulting in more bursts of delight echoing from Twilight's mouth. “I think we’ve done enough damage to this place, and my self image. I’ll be outside, washin’ my mouth from the shame.”

“M-m-maybe we should go,” Fluttershy squeaked, fluttering gently into the air. She lowered herself down in front of the staring owners of the spa, her snout a furious red. “We have, umm, been a bit rude to Lotus and Aloe, even for our own good. We just, umm-”

Rarity shoved Pinkie Pie off of her, sending her twirling through the air to crash on her back. “Fluttershy,” Rarity began, wiping off her cloud colored coat, “they knew full well what they were getting themselves into. Mostly. They have been duly compensated for our antics, I assure you. But perhaps you are... right.” She chuckled nervously, her cheeks flushing red as she looked at the two staring owners of the spa. “Maybe-”

“Yes,” Lotus and Aloe said in unison.

Rainbow Dash did her best to instantly forget what had just happened had ever happened, bursting into air with a spin around the room. “Alright, time to screw up another location with our amazing new looks!” Rainbow cheered, swirling in the air. She stopped mid rotation to look at the dozens of dancing strands of her tail, whistling in approval. “Damn I look good. I never-”

“Oww!” Pinkie cried. “Rainbow, that’s my eye! Don’t leak in my eye, I don’t have insurance on my eye!”

“Leak? I’m not urin-oh crap-hey look, Soarin’!” Scooping up the now flailing Applejack in front of her, Rainbow zoomed out the spa entrance, chased after by a hopping pink mare rubbing her eye.

“Applejack," Pinkie called, "you might want to wash your hiney too, cause you are leakin’ a bit,” Pinkie hummed, bouncing behind her fleeing comrades. Every bounce made her longer, husky tail swish in the air, the puffy appendage complementing her every move. Rarity could not help but beam. A thousand bits well spent!

“Go suck a cinnamon stick from an elephant's rectum!” Applejack neighed, turning her snout around to burn emerald hatred into Pinkie's eyes. It only resulted in a squeal of laughter echoing from Pinkie's mouth. “If you start rubbin’ my cheeks, I swear, Pinkie, I will throw you into a buildin’.”

Pinkie opened her mouth. “So you’re the Jugger-”

A yellow, floating forehoof shoved itself inside of Pinkie's open maw. “I don’t think this is a good time to pull a Rainbow Dash.” Fluttershy hovered beside Pinkie Pie, offering the filly a soft hug. “You look beautiful, Pinkie Pie. Always remember we love you, and Applejack and Rainbow are just very pent up. Give them a bit. Or maybe half an hour.”

Pinkie blinked. “I’m not in special education anymore, you silly filly. I love you too, though.”

Oh no! Do we even have half an hour!? “Twilight, what time is it!?” Rarity said. The unified squeak of the two unicorn’s being shoved out the spa was punctuated by the slamming of the door behind them, only sending panic across Rarity's face. “Please! I need to know!”

Twilight let out a drunken sigh of sedated calm. She had been laughing herself harsh at all of the insanity around her, instead of having a normal breakdown, or the determined need to organize the madness. By Rarity's judgement, Twilight looked half stoned already. “So... no more Truth or Dare?" she chuckled. "And I would say around six forty five, but... why do you ask? I’m thinking we’d be out at least until midnight. If-”

“Darlings!” Rarity called to her friends, “as horrible of a witch as I am, we have a train to catch! Oh, I should of told you that part! Silly me!” She shuffled in place, flicking a forehoof through her smooth mane. “Good, we have-”

“Train!?” All five of her friends stopped in unison, wide eyed fear filling their eyes as they looked back at Rarity.

Oh yes, fear me, and despair! Oh my, I might want to control that side of me. “Yes, a train," Rarity said calmly. "We go, to Canterlot!” Rarity leaped onto a bench with a dramatic waving of her mane. “I have many, glorious plans for us! We-”

“Canterlot?” Rainbow groaned, her wing flapping growing in agitation. “Okay, I love the new manes, but-”

“Rainbow, what is in Canterlot?” Rarity asked.

Rainbow responded immediately. “Uhh... things I don’t like?”

"Oh oh oh!" Pinkie bounced. "The Knights of the Round Table!"

"Old joke is old," Twilight sighed, giving Pinkie's side a prod.

"Okay," Pinkie pouted, her ears folding by the side of her frame.

“Other than that," Rarity coughed, "wonderful, hip clubs, full of alcohol and music! Surely you realize that the children of nobility love to rebel by default!”

“I need about twenty shots of bourbon to prevent me from decidin’ to end it all,” Applejack whimpered deeply, looking up at Rarity. “Is there good bourbon there?”

“The best!” Rarity chirped.

“And some lovely vodka,” Fluttershy hummed, clapping her wings together. “Oh, I could go for some vodka right now. Cherry vodka sounds wonderful.”

“I like where this is going!” Pinkie Pie wrapped a forehoof around both Fluttershy and Applejack, kissing both of the mares on the cheek. “Plus, it means that we get to spend the night there, and that means completely scoring with a pony without anypony feeling bad about it! Rarity, you are smarter than you look!”

“T-t-thank you, Pinkie,” Rarity mumbled. “And you, Twilight? Any objections?”

Twilight scoffed a forehoof shyly at the ground. “W-w-well, I’m sure there are plenty of ponies there to flirt with. And I’m sure there are plenty of ponies who can keep up with me on Saddle Arabian tribal history!”

“Heh, saddle.” Pinkie giggled, resulting in a snort from Rainbow.

Rarity leaped into the air, twirling around her best friends with a flourish only she could pull off. “Well then,” she began, doing her best to pull all of the fillies into a group huddle. Confusion mixed in with mild excitement reflected off of the five pairs of eyes looking at her. “I normally don’t say this, but I think this is apt, and will absolutely show you all my intentions. Are you girls ready?”

“Y-y-yay?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Alright then!” Rarity the unicorn threw a forehoof into the air with as much passion as she could muster, her voice calling over the sunset. “Elements of Harmony, lets, get, pissed!”

Chapter Twelve: The Cutie Cannabis Cruise

Chapter Twelve: Cutie Cannabis Cruise

Spike had never run so far away from a crime scene as he did from Rarity's house, and soon enough, from his own. Today had been the most interesting and confusing day in his entire life. To think that he had at least a thousand years of testosterone fueled epicness ahead of him; that was going to be a mild problem for his future self, processing all of that information. Didn't the years start to blend together?

Thinking wasn't something he really tried to do at the current moment. His orders were strict and clear from Rainbow Dash: steal as much weed as he could from Fluttershy's garden and inject it into the Cutie Mark Crusaders as swiftly as possible. Knock out the foals, take their food, hide the alcohol, and consume all the leftover food for himself. Not a bad bargain. Besides, with all the running and mild panic attacks that he had had today, eating all of their candy would be that much more satisfying. Although nipping at some alcohol would not be too shabby of an idea either. Not like anypony would know, if the Crusaders had dived into it themselves first.

His little feet had carried him swiftly to Fluttershy's house, Rainbow Dash having promised to tell Fluttershy of the situation at hoof. Once his nose was trained by a 'specimen' that Twilight had - which explained the weird smells he smelt around the basement from time to time - he dug underneath the large tree in front of her house, finding caches of bagged weed. Score.

"Alright," he panted loudly to himself, his claws covered in dirt, "Rainbow said I should take a tiny bag of 'Mooroccan Meadows'." His emerald eyes quickly scanned the dozens of bags of weed in front of him, ranging from the size of his smallest claw, all the way up to a gold brick of dense green. "Does she really need this much?" Spike said aloud. "Ponies smoke cigarettes, but if this stuff is as strong as that, then she has enough for a year! Maybe this is why you're so calm Fluttershy." He chuckled to himself. Only earlier today he knew little about sex and weed. Quickly, Rainbow Dash had given him a crash course on both, with Twilight adding supplemental material. Now that is how I should of been treated years ago! Why couldn't Rainbow Dash be my sister? Her coat is so soft and now that I know that Scootaloo says she loves to snuggle? It would have been amazing! Some things in life were just universal constants. Rainbow's fluffy frame was one of them.

Ignoring the instructions that he was given to get enough of it for the four of them - plus a bit extra - Spike decided to grab a bag the size of one of his head spines, in case he needed something with a little bit more firepower. You can never be too careful with those fillies, as awesome as they are, he thought, shoving in the pulled up dirt he had haphazardly mined. With a snide grin on his muzzle, he let out one of the softest mists of dragon fire that he could, aging the dirt to make it look like it had been there for years. Light, green flame whispered in the air and over the ground, a beautiful aurora of ticking heat that hardened the ground underneath it. Tiny pebbles cracked and formed around the worn dirt, and to any detective who looked, it would seem like it was a grave or a meditation place. It had meditation of a different sort.

If Fluttershy had seen him and accepted everything that had happened, she would never have to worry about a possible drug bust again. Well, other than the trees she grew. In her back yard. In the open.

It was time to act quickly, and the dragon knew that the longer he delayed, the more horrible the possible outcomes could be. With the plastic bag firmly in his claws, he dashed toward the Apple farm for hopefully, the last time that day. He had enough of running around for today.

He really had had enough damn running for today. His stubby body wasn't meant for this, and he hadn't received any wings yet, which just pissed him off that much more. Neither Twilight or even Celestia knew what species of dragon he exactly was. And ponies think she's some all powerful deity, he chuckled. She's a demi-god, and just a really good leader. Being immortal has it's perks. Like teleporting. And flying. And an empire. And most likely, *amazing weed and food. At least I'm earning my keep for this!* To think, he was about to have the greatest day in his entire, nearly immortal life.

At least, he thought he was.

By the time he reached the fort - in retrospect the foals should of thought of another hiding place to do their activities - he felt like he had done one of the work outs that Rainbow did. He was a panting, wheezing, gasping wreak that barely was holding onto the mortal coil. What both killed him and gave him renewed life was the laughing, moaning sounds of delight that echoed from the windows of the wooden bastion of decadence. It took all of his courage to walk closer. However, he just could not muster enough to look inside.

What he heard, was a horror that nopony in Equestria should've ever had to subject themselves too.

"Oh my gosh, this caramel is so good, Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo moaned. "Pass me some more. Thanks. Caramel to the horn! Heheh! Strawberry milk is mine," she cackled.

"Ahh!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. "That's my horn! You don't put things on that except for engagement rings! Stop laughing! It... feels weird and... really good at the same time. And give me back my milk! I'll pour the chocolate on you!"

"We know yer a kitty cat, Sweetie Belle," Applebloom said, crunching loudly on chips. "And don't waste good milk! Even if it'd be kinda funny. I have ta admit though, chips with peanut butter cups is super. Hey! Don't lick my stomach and give me back my maple syrup fudge!" She growled at the unicorn loudly. "I like that flavor! Fine! I'm takin' all the candy pumpkins then!"

"Why?" Sweetie Belle asked innocently. "I'm just gonna mush it up and-tackle Scootaloo and put it in her wings-cause you've been mean today! Maple syrup crumbles attack!"

"Gah! Don't-oh Wondebolt's don't stop, it feels so good," the pegasus whinnied.

For it moment, Sweetie Belle hesitated. "Umm... Scootle's, can you stop smacking me with your tail? I'm just-I wonder if you taste like chicken! Not that I've ever tasted it. Oh! Maple syrup chicken! Let me try it."

"I'm not a-okay don't stop doing that!"Scootaloo panted loudly in raw bliss. "That is totally a no touch-oh screw it just go! Stay there! Quack! I'm a chicken!"

"Scootaloo, let go of me!" Sweetie Belle cried. "This isn't-don't lick my horn, that's... a no touchie... zone."

Spike couldn't act. His legs and arms knew that they should of dived in there in the most heroic, draconic, greatest and most Spartan way possible, but he couldn't. The images in his head, could of caused wars. Or most likely, result in his intestines being ripped out by his surrogate sister if he didn't act to stop them. And yet, despite his courage, despite his uncrushable will to face evil, seeing the Crusaders sexually active was just too much of a horror for his mind to move. He was shocked, simply by the words and moans. It only got worse.

"Yeah," Scootaloo nickered, "now you know howI feel. Here's another!"

The dark rumble of delight that escaped from Sweetie Belle's mouth was one that sickened Spike to the very core of his soul. "Ohhh, I feel so ticklish and good-"

Both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo screeched at the pouring of chocolate milk on their coats, Applebloom growling at both of her friends. "Stop moanin' like my sister when she's with Long Tom! Had ta waste good milk on ya two!" She hesitated, mumbling to herself. "Ya two do look cute though, all wet like that and lookin' all silly in the face! Smell good too."

"Eww," Scootaloo whined, "now I have milk all over my fur. Why-Sweetie Belle stop licking... mmm... Nevermind, don't."

"I thought I told ya two-don't put vanilla fudge on my-hey!" Applebloom protested. "Don't you-why are you-okay, that feels kinda good," she sighed. "Sweetie Belle, that tongue sure is talented. This isn't fair! Why ya doing this? What did I do... mmm... okay, ya are the cutest kitty. Sheesh girl, yer something special."

"See!" Scootaloo said. "She's good with her tongue! Now time for me to return the favor! Wonder if you taste like birthday cake."

"I do not!" Sweetie Belle squeaked, slowly letting out a shuttering, shivering sigh. "Scootles, that feels amazing. Oh don't stop!"

It was time for Spike to act. He should of acted a minute ago, or five, but raw evil had gripped his soul and wrenched his heart into a million pieces. There was no Tartarus like the moaning of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. It was up to him to be the greatest hero that Ponyville, no, Equestria, had ever seen. Diving into the fire wasn't an option that would save his life though, so he had to improvise. He had learned from two mares who were the leaders of make shift plans, and he knew what he had to do. Besides, he would look cool in the process.

"I'm a badflank," he chanted to himself. "This is the only shot I have, so I have to make it count!" He did everything he could to pump himself up. He thought about not being eaten alive and used as a soup by Rarity for watching Sweetie Belle degenerate herself into some sort of sexual fiend.

"For future sex with Rarity!" That, was worth marching through death for.

"Rarity!?" The Crusaders called.

He didn't think of the simple solution of just running up to the window. No. Such lameness would of made the gods of awesomeness frown on his manly being for all eternity. Opening up the entire bag of weed, he gently let out the softest of exhales of his draconian flame. Mushing the massive bundle of leaves together, he could instantly smell the crisping edges working its way into his nose. The baseball was ready. His mind was slowly becoming clouded. He had only one shot.

With the deepest inhale from his mouth, the Spike ran forward, pitched his right arm back, and threw the orb of hardened cannabis at the window. Following the trail of pot was a beautiful, ethereal blade of dragon flame, ready to light up the substance the moment it entered the fort.

His aim was so good, he could feel the gods saving a spot for him by their side as the twirling sphere of green, sizzling leaves went straight through the window. There was a problem thorough.

Spike Sparkle had just tossed half a pound of marijuana into the small fort of foals. The amount - and quality - alone was surely a massive waste of fine grass. The second problem, was the mystical quality of his breath. Dragon flame and drugs were something that the world was never meant to have merged together.

With a furious pop of compressed air, the tickling fire broke apart the leaves into a shrapnel of flickering, melting chemicals. The ivory smoke from his weapon hissed in the air like a leaking fire extinguisher, wafting out of the fort in a thick, steamy wave of magically infused THC.

“I did it!” he cheered, shaking his rump and short tail from side to side in a make shift victory dance. “I am-”

His victory was cut short by the loud, thick coughs of the Cutie Mark Crusaders choking on the steam tickling their noses, sending a raw aura of fear across his body.

"Oh man!" Scootaloo gagged. "Are we on fire? Cause this doesn't smell like Tartarus or fire to me. Are we dead? Did we die licking each other? I thought liking mare's wasn't a crime!" She stomped a forehoof loudly onto the floor of the fort.

"And it doesn't smell like burnin' wood ta me," Applebloom said with a sudden, unexpected coo. "I didn't fart! Oh wait, I just did."

"Eww!" Sweetie Belle choked, only to inhale sharply from the depths of her nose. "Oh, my goshie! I can see Mooscow from here! Can't you see it!"

"Oh, my, awesome Dash plot, I can see Sto-vo-kor!" Scootaloo cheered. "We are dead! We're so badflank we went to Sto-Vo-Kor and didn't need to kill anypony! I wish I got to nuzzle into Rainbow's breasts one last time though. Woah! Watch out for the axes!"

You know, I'm not sure going in there for Rarity is worth it. Spike reflected on his statement, pondering if those words really did in fact, come out of his muzzle. They did, they really did. He thought he would travel through all eternity just to see Rarity's lifted tail once more, but...

I think there's a line a man should set up, and seeing the Cutie Mark Crusaders like this, just isn't something I'm going to waddle into. He nodded to himself and his thoughts. There's hearing it, and seeing it, and I just can't take that risk. Spike folded his forearms together and leaned on the tree idly, gently inhaling the musky and thick scent of Fluttershy's beginners grade weed in his nose. He could feel the humming in his ears growing with every moment, and even the very throbbing need to grab Rarity's behind, pin her to the ground, and take her like the dragon he was and use her like she always wanted him to, just seemed less important. Or more important. He couldn't quite decide. He was in a philosophical mood, and if Twilight had seen him like this more often, she would've joyed up and down in joy.

"Ya both are stupid," Applebloom huffed, "we're in the Pegasi Yggdrasil." She pondered, something - much like her sister - she didn't excel at. "For, some, reason. Oh, no! I ain't a pegasusus! I'm not supposed to be here!"

"It's Asgard, Applebutt." Scootaloo growled, "and it's 'Pegasi'. Don't tell me how I know that."

"You are such a nerd," Applebloom growled back, ending her attempt of aggression with a sudden torrent of giggles.

Scootaloo, not exactly clearly thinking either, tittered with delight. "Hehehehehe... your butt is like an apple. Let me nuzzle it!"

"We all can't be at different places and not be at the same place at the same time; that's logically impossible!" Sweetie Belle mused. "And this isn't special effects smoke, but... oh man, I'm dizzy as a ditsy doo dodge ball dance!" The unicorn gasped. "I know how the universe is going to end! So when-oh I forgot."

Applebloom nickered seductively. "Mmm... Scootaloo, can ya lick me there later? I'm really enjoyin' that, but I'm tired. Like... oh man, breathin' in this stuff is like smellin' you all, or something science like. You two smell really good. Come mere, let me lick ya'all once before I sleep."

Scootaloo belched in a manner that her mentor would be proud of. "Haha! Licking your butt means I get your gas Appleblurt! But yeah, I'm just gonna push you over-"

"Ohh, mmm, floor-"

"-and totally lay on you. Oh man, you're kinda muscular like your sister. Heh! You're my pet pig now. I like you, bacon butt. Kiss!"

Sweetie Belle squeed loudly. "Kissie time! Let's make out after we wake up! We're the best of friends and kissing sounds amazing! Threesome snuggle sleep sandwich!"

You know, I never knew how cool I was, until I thought about it right now, Spike said mentally. He let the gentle beat of an electric guitar and drums trundle into the back of his mind, only adding to the sheer greatness that he radiated. It was for the best that he didn't think about what was going on in there, or how he should have smashed through the fort for his wonderful goal of Rarity groin, but... the high going through his head, was just so much better. The loudest part of his mind yelled at him for even thinking that was possible, but the simple coolness and stoned peace he got, just said it was alright.

He was taking the marijuana moderately well, from an observers point of view. Sure, it inflated his ego within a mountain's range of Rainbow Dash's, or should he say confidence? Both perhaps? It chilled Spike out in a manner he had never really realized he could be calmed down to. He felt older, wiser, more skilled; perhaps this is what he would feel like in the next few years, or hundred. He didn't exactly know. Nor did he realize despite his biology not exactly being meant to resist THC, it was doing it's best, and it did a pretty decent job at it, compared to the giggling, kissing, yawning fillies above him.

Rainbow, and I, need to talk. He nodded firmly to himself, emerald eyes reflecting on his musings on life, the universe, and everything. And Twilight, too. I got some ideas. *Good** ideas.* I can manage their stock portfolio when they get old. Since I'm pretty much going to be here when industry takes over, I can see in the long view. I got perks that no other pony is gonna have; I got a lifespan they all don't have! Heh! I'll corner the market.

Of course, as Spike was pondering the economic domination of Equestria with an alabaster unicorn by his side and firmly implanted on his crotch for several decades, his ears and mind completely didn't notice the suckling kisses that three foals were making above him. They lasted for about thirty seconds, before they passed out from the raw overload of Fluttershy's newbie dope. In the end, he had inadvertently succeeded on a semi-successful level that could be leveraged in the morning. For now, it was time to relax.

But the even minor possibility of being killed by the Elements was okay, for the white cloud that hovered in a foggy mist around him had awoken the greatest economic mind that Equestria would see for centuries. The mind who would usher in the third industrial revolution, help send ponykind to the moon, help colonize space, and become the undisputed tycoon and eventual prime minister for life of all of Ungulia.

As long as Fluttershy didn't beat him to death for burning nearly two thousand bits worth of weed.

Chapter Thirteen: Planning, Prep Talks, And Pressure Points

Chapter Thirteen: The Vaporizer Stare

Applejack, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash huddled together in their train booth, looking slowly at each other. The train had been in motion for only a minute or two, but the momentary silence was needed for the three of them. Rarity had done wonders this day, and so had the three Elements, weaving their plans to fight the pearl mares own. To say who was winning at this moment was anyponies guess. It didn't matter though, because at the end of the night, they all were going to hopefully be winners.

Still, the silence was awkward, and it had to be broken. "Applejack," Rainbow whispered, "I'm, sorry."

Applejack's muzzle twitched, her mental concentration broken. She looked at Dash, raising an eyebrow at her question. "Heh, what's ta be sorry about, sugercube?"

Rainbow laid on her side, her tail of wild streams half hanging off of the seat. She flicked it up into the air gently, watching the bundles of colors move in a disorganized wave. "About taking the make out too far. I know it was part of the plan, but-"

Applejack leaned over to stroke through her friend's mane several times over, watching the pegasus calm down swiftly. "Dasha dear, you just are tense in a lot of ways, and ya got more love in yer heart than ya take credit for. Don't be ashamed of it. 'Sides, it was part of the plan, and, well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it." She rested a forehoof on Rainbow's side, patting her friend once more. "I bet though, Rarity has no idea in Tartarus what exactly is goin' on anymore, and it's a good thing we got Twi' here onto our plan, too."

"I know," Rainbow said, looking up at her friend's eyes meekly, "but we're the best of pals, AJ, and so many ponies think we're a couple and just don't admit it. I know we talked about this in the barn, and it felt... nice to kiss you like that, but when I think about it... I really don't want to do that again."

"Rainbow, you might be the most overlooked pony when it comes to personality in Equestria," Twilight said. She laid on her side casually, hanging a forehoof off of her seat. She smiled motherly at the Dash. "You're going through a lot right now, and it seems you have some sort of minor crush on all five of us."

Rainbow bit her bottom lip. "That... kind of sums it up better than what you both know on your own. I love you so much, Twilight; and Applejack, you're so close to me, that I can't even think of words to explain it." Rainbow reached forward to stroke through her free flowing mane, glancing down at the added length to her spectrum of colors. "And now I have to think about falling in love with Rarity, of all ponies. It's just... a lot to think about."

Twilight took a firm drink of her lemonade, placing the bottle down to lean forward, her muzzle inches away from Dash's. "Whatever you do, don't force it," she stated. "Applejack and I aren't going to force it on each other, and while the plan is for her to get interested in you, I'm not going to force her to do it either. We just have to see if the chemistry between you two works."

"Exactly." Applejack kicked up her hind legs, resting them on Twilight's seat. "Rarity is double guessin' if you like me or Twilight, and isn't thinkin' about if we got anything up our manes."

"Which is always a big mistake when I'm involved," Twilight smiled smugly. She laid back in her seat, curling her tail around her side. The locks in her mane freely moved with every bob of her head. She brushed them back with a forehoof. "You just need to relax and enjoy the moment, like you tend to do. I mean, I'm calm, and look what I was like only a few hours ago. We have this under control, tonight is already shaping up to being something, well, epic, and things should be okay."

Applejack raised an eyebrow at Twilight's statement, only to be interrupted by Rainbow. "The reason you're so calm, Twilight, is because you nearly pissed yourself laughing at me and AJ." Energy returned to Dash's face slowly, a faint smile tracing itself over the corners of her lips. "And cause you're drinking hard lemonade. Can't forget that." Dash added dryly, receiving a snort of amusement from both of her friends.

Rainbow lifted up her forehooves. "Alright." She exhaled from the end of her muzzle. "Okay, I enjoyed makin' out with you, AJ. Your new hair makes you about twenty times hotter than before." Rainbow chuckled softly. "but I really need to get into the game of tryin' to get the hots for Rarity. She's kind of the last one of us I've thought about like that, so it isn't easy. We're kinda different, if you haven't noticed."

"Really?" Applejack said, "thought that'd be Fluttershy who ya didn't want to puff their pus'."

A blush began to glow across Rainbow's muzzle. "Yeah, about that." She laid her muzzle on her forehooves, letting out a nervous chuckle. "Let's just say... Flight School was more like 'Fondling School' to both of us. It was how we learned so much about each other and... things. Gilda and me were friends in the porn stash exchange kind of way. We both had egos that were way too big to work like that. Flutters' and me..."

"You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to, Rainbow Dash." Twilight's horn faintly flickered to light, lifting up the end of Dash's muzzle. "I'm sure you are kind of in shock from, well, kissing both of us today. Hopefully getting some from Rarity might be a bit of a shocker too if it goes that far tonight, but it could also defibrillate your system as well."

Twilight blinked rapidly at her own choice of words. "I... think I shouldn't say anypony is 'getting some' ever again."

"Please don't for my sanity," Dash replied, the three mares breaking out into a deep laugh that caused the other three Elements from across the room to look at them,

Rainbow Dash snorted loudly, repeating Twilight's sentence in her head. "Jeez, you are friggin adorable, Twilight-gah! Get off of me! What are you doing!?"

Twilight leaped on top of her friend, idly laying on the pegasus as if Rainbow was a couch. "Deciding to begin to defibrillate you early, considering Applejack told me a few things about you that could be useful in future situations." She scratched Dash with her forehoof, right where her new ponytail was connected to her muzzle. She didn't seem to regret jumping over to the now heavily occupied side of the couch, nor feel bad about half squishing her friend.

Applejack couldn't help but grin a bit more sadistically than she should have. "I thought it was useful to tell her. I'm sure Rarity'll find out soon enough. And well, that'll mean we got three ponies who know how to tame the lightning, and that's a mighty useful talent, if you ask me."

"Buck all of you with something really, really sharp," Rainbow Dash muffled, burying her snout into her forehooves once again. Her tail smacked into the floor in protest, but she didn't seem to be moving or resisting the neck massage she was being given.

"Speaking of sexual activity," Twilight continued, "I think Rarity and you will make an... oddly good couple; once the angry sex phase is over." She acted as if laying on top of her friend was nothing, Twilight continuing to enjoy her fluffy couch with secret delight. Besides, the grumbling of Rainbow was slowly turning into quiet nickers of content at the free head massage.

"I haveta agree with Twi' on this," Applejack said, cracking open her bottle of sweet tea. She too, wasn't in any rush to remove the unicorn on top of Rainbow's back. "To ponies on the outside, it seems that you two would be a match made in Tartarus, but you two can help each other out in ways we all see and would be thankful for."

Applejack continued, stroking her chin. "I never thought about it, but shoot, it makes sense, like many things recently. Just get drunk an' kiss her an' fight with her in the mornin' like we Fruits' do, and things should be alright. You'd two get on each others nerves at first, or... all the time, but ya'd also show each other the better things in life. Hopefully."

Twilight stopped her petting of the faintly mumbling Rainbow underneath her, slowly staring at Applejack. "Wow, Applejack, way to be a plothole to Rainbow. You could have at least worded it more politely."

Dash adjusted herself to support the weight of her friend. "Nah. Don't worry about it, Twilght; She's just pissy from missing the bitter taste of Mac cum clogging her throat and comin' out her nose. She has the accent from gargling so much of it."

Twilight should have been ashamed of herself for finding such an off color joke funny, but her friends had ruined her sense of decency in one way or another. She grabbed onto Rainbow Dash for life, breaking out a cry of joy from the depths of her stomach. "You two are awful to each other! Is this what you are like all the time? I thought around us it was bad!"

"Ya could say that," Applejack smiled, shrugging off the comment, "I forgive her for bein' so damn adorable though. And because she can snap me in half. And that's comin' from a mare who can snap most ponies in half."

"With your thunder thighs," Dash cackled.

"Shut it, thunder thighs," Applejack chuckled back, giving Rainbow a wink.

Twilight looked between her two friends, silently analyzing the fighting capabilities of both her peers. "Applejack, you're the strongest mare I know." She tapped her forehooves nervously onto Rainbow's neck. "I-I-I don't mean to imply anything, but your hind legs-"

"Mean nothing with Rainbow's speed, agility, and I don't know Kung Fu nor how ta exactly resist gettin' hit with a staff with a metal tip." Applejack took a drink from her sweet tea, looking down at the smiling pegasus couch. "Moment I can take a hard staff to the side repeatedly and not cough up blood, I'll tell ya. We earth ponies may be tough warhorses, but if you smack my back with a metal stick a few times, I'm not gettin' up again."

Dash shuffled a bit. "Y-y-yeah, I know how to fight with a quarterstaff. Both airborne and ground based. If like, AJ was brain washed to kill me, and even if my wings were tied, I could pretty much dodge everything she throws at me if it was life or death. Hit her knee or shoulder, nail her in the back of the head, then stab right at the cervical vertebrae, and she's dead."

"W-w-well," Twilight chuckled, her forehooves letting go of Rainbow, "I'm glad that we know you can fight for us if the world goes to a haybasket, right, Rainbow? Glad to know that you have such... knowledge."

Dash perked up her ears at the compliment, smiling up at Twilight. "And I'm teaching myself how to use a halberd, in case I need something with more power. You never know."

"A halberd?!" Twilight croaked, gagging on her own oxygen. "Does Equestria need you with a sharp weapon?!"

"I think the answer to that question is an undeniable yes," Rainbow replied, sticking out her tongue. "But that I'm teaching myself. It's just like a quarterstaff that can be a spear. And an axe. A spearaxe. I just have to make sure I don't slice off my own wings, so I can't dance with it I like I can with a staff."

Twilight dragged a forehoof across her snout slowly, shaking her head. At least Dash's motives were in the right place. "So the next villain we face you are just going to impale it?"

Rainbow's smile turning into a beaming grin. "Yep! Nothing solves evil god problems like a two hoof long titanium blade in the neck. Besides, I'd do it cause I don't want you all to feel that guilt of having to kill some god, so I'd take it. Besides, killing gods is a hay of a way to be remembered in Equestrian history."

Twilight rolled off of Rainbow and simply sat on the floor, stroking her temples. It was the best thing she could do. "I'm not sure if you need a therapist, I should be thankful, or just realize it's you."

"I could say the same thing about you, Twi'," Dash said, patting Twilight on the muzzle. "But we love ya for your craziness."

"Anyways," Applejack groaned, twirling a forehoof through her blond mare, "this is exactly the kind of thing Rarity can help ya with, Rainbow. I know you really don't seek glory like ya used to, but yer still as impulsive as they come."

"Other than Pinkie," Dash corrected, laying down on her side to enjoy her freedom, and her patting of the grumbling Twilight.

"Other than Pinkie," Applejack nodded. "Maybe she can help ya pull yerself back from being stupid from time to time, just like you can stop her from goin' overboard and mellow her out."

"Rainbow's stupidity is a chronic illness," Twilight chuckled. "I'm not sure that's something that can be cured."

"Hey!" Rainbow shot back at Twilight, "I thought you were defending me!"

Twilight grinned smugly, folding her forehooves across her chest. "I can't defend you from the truth, Rainbow. Mare-Do-Well should of taught you that."

Dash nickered away the lesson. "Your CORAD is a chronic illness."

Twilight looked quizzically at Rainbow. "That's no mental illness I know of."

Rainbow preened. "Compulsive, Obsessive, Retentive, and Anal Disorder."

"But I thought you're the one who likes rectal stimulation," Twilight smirked.

Dash threw herself into her seat, kicking at the one opposite of her in anger as Twilight rolled on the floor in a wave of glee. "Damn it! Trotted into that!" Both of her friends broke out into tittering chuckles at Dash's blushing. Rainbow growled darkly. "Oh buck both of you!"

"Both of us at the same time?" Applejack cackled, falling over onto the ground with Twilight. "Now, Dasha, that's just greedy. And while Twilight and her clonin' magics are fine, you'll have ta deal with stories instead of seein' it yourself."

"Cloning magic?" Twilight sighed, wiping away a tear from the corner of her eye, "that doesn't even-" She gasped suddenly, sitting up in revelation. "Oh! So if I combined an ethereal projection spell with a quantum gravitation matrix spell and add in a subconscious mimicking subroutine I could-"

"Nerrrrrrrd!" Pinkie yelled directly beside Twilight, resulting in a frightened whinny from the back of Twilight's throat. Twilight tackled Dash protectively, nuzzling into her as if the pegasus was a shield. "Aww. You two would make an adorable couple!" Pinkie chirped. "Isn't Dashie soft?"

"Damn it, Pinkie Pie!" Twilight cursed, glaring violet death at Pinkie Pie. Pinkie beamed innocently back at Twilight. "What if I had a heart attack? Or peed myself? And do you have any idea how many times I've sworn today because of you all? More than I have in the last month combined!"

"Then while I'd totally smell of pee, I'd most likely join you from laughing to death." Rainbow chuckled, receiving an equally venomous glare from Twilight. "Besides, you swearing is maybe the hottest thing since Soarin's plot." It only made Applejack burst into another hale of laughter. Applejack too, received a robotic beam of revenge from Twilight Sparkle. It would have to do.

Rarity joined in on the conversation, poking her head above the couch behind Twilight and Rainbow Dash, directly beside Pinkie Pie. "I sense screaming and silliness," she hummed. "Therefore, I predict somepony is hiding alcohol and not telling me!" she sang. "Who here has been a very naughty pony on this train?"

"No, it isn't alcohol," Pinkie corrected, resting her muzzle on the back of the couch. "They are just talking about pee."

Rarity sighed deeply, her hopes dashed as she scratched around her horn. "I see the maturity level of my best friends is at an all time high. But, one must deal with who they save the world with."

"R-r-rarity," Applejack cooed, pulling back her chuckles, "ya gotta try this sweet tea I'm drinkin'. It's a sweet tea, lemonade mix. Course, I added some Apple gin to it; I couldn't let somethin' go ta waste."

Rarity flicked an ear at the statement, tilting her muzzle. "Where did you store it? I don't see anywhere where you could have stored gin."

"I have my places," Applejack winked, leaning back against the booth wall.

With a casual thrum of magic, Rarity pulled the bottle of juice from her friend's hoof and took a sip, before taking a deeper drought of the liquor. "Mmm. I can't taste the alcohol though, and while it's good, it isn't anything compared to what you make yourself dear."

"Okay, I lied." Applejack snorted deeply, the rest of the Elements looking at her in confusion. "I put cider in it."

"But why would you lie about that?" Fluttershy asked, popping her head beside Pinkie's and Rarity's. "I... don't get it."

"I don't either," Rarity said, taking another large chug of the drink. "Nor do I taste cider. Because I'm in a generous mood, I shall confiscate your drink in punishment! I was thirsty anyways."

Applejack broke. "Natural cider. Recycle and clean the tongue ya know?"

A plume of yellow water shot out of Rarity's muzzle, nailing Applejack in the snout. Rarity's face had turned solid blue in disgust, blurred by Applejack, Rainbow and Twilight holding each other in tear jerking bliss. Pinkie Pie had fallen backwards in squealing oinks, leaving Rarity's only ally being Fluttershy, who held her muzzle closed with a forehoof.

"I-I-I just bought it!" Applejack squeaked, her voice cracking as she held onto her crying friends. "Yer-yer-yer face is-"

"You, bitch!" Rarity shouted, slamming her forehooves onto the back of the seat. "I almost urinated myself in disgust! What if I got a disease from whatever you wallow in if it was real!?"

"Urine is sterile by default!" Twilight giggled, burying herself into Applejack's chest as she cried in laughter. "It's okay, Rarity. It'd just be a different kind of 'mouth wash'."

"Oh my friends deserve to be raped by diamond dogs and have their' ovaries eviscerated!" Rarity blew out a torrent of air from the end of her muzzle as the three mares - and one pink one behind her - bellowed themselves raw at the death threat, weeping on each other in bliss.

Rainbow Dash panted drunkenly, lifting up a forehoof. "T-t-the funny thing is, is that Applejack really did that to me once. And I drank the whole thing, thinking it was just some weird gin. So to get her back, I kissed her with the last mouthful, and forced her to taste it." She wrapped a wing around Twilight and Applejack, the three mares snickering at each other. "'Sides Rarity, I h-h-heard that yellow wine was in season this year."

"Blow it out your arse, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity neighed to the renewed guffaws of her three soon-to-be-ex friends, growling darkly at the trio. "It... it wasn't funny!" she pouted.

"I-I-I could always do that," Rainbow's voice squeaked, holding onto Applejack and Twilight. "I-I-I didn't know you were into that kind of kinky stuff-I can't breathe!"

Rarity could think of no solution to fix her anger other than to go to drastic measures. There were lines that a pony did not cross, and her friends forced her to retaliate in equal measure. It was the only way.

When the Elements' decided to dive into Fluttershy's main source of income - otherwise known as her cannabis business - Rarity considered herself on the lighter end of the spectrum with how much she liked to take. Twilight was in the same field, seeking only a minor high to nip the senses and lighten the mood. Now though... she needed as heavy of a hit as she could think of.

Rarity unlocked the box of royalty grade weed from Fluttershy's wing pouch, hovering the sealed container in the air. Fluttershy let out a loud gasp in panic, only to be hushed by Rarity sharply. "There is only one thing that a lady can properly do in this situation to lower her blood pressure," she began calmly.

The sounds of joy coming from her friends died down quickly as they watched Rarity do something she never did. Rarity was about to take the first hit. It was an event, no, a gala the likes of which the other Elements had never seen before. Twilight pulled herself up onto the couch as Rainbow sat up, leaning forward to make sure this event was actually happening. Even Pinkie Pie had pulled herself back up, simply staring in wonder, watching Rarity's magic pulsate to life to separate the bagged cannabis from the cutting edge vaporizer that called that sacred box home.

Smooth, peaceful blue magic gently danced around her horn as she merged the faintly shimmering, vibrant green powder into the vaporizer. What better way to enjoy the purity of the potent chemical than through one of Fluttershy's portable vending sticks? She meticulously filled the silver cylinder to the brim, twisting and snapping piece by piece into place until the nearly snout long staff was ready. Her friends, were in awe.

It wasn't that she was capable of doing such a feat that was miraculous; Rainbow Dash or Applejack would of been able to perform the task as well. It was the simple sight of Rarity's eagerness to consume perhaps the strongest cannabis that the world had ever seen. If the nobles of Canterlot saw her now, they would disown her as a country hick. It was a good thing they didn't know that she was doing a drug that the nobility across the sea would find her not only adventurous for doing, but youthful, and a bit mad for seeking so much of it.

It only added to the thrill.

"She's really gonna do it," Rainbow whispered, sitting up with a wing wrapped around Applejack and Twilight.

"Rarity!" Fluttershy said in a nearly normal speaking voice, "you can't! I should test it first! You're using too much, you'll-"

"It's nearly impossible to overload on tetrahydrocannabinol," Twilight said flatly. "She'll most likely just pass out. You know, the normal reaction."

"Or trip her balls off!" Rainbow squeed. She was setting a world record for that sound in one day. "I'm still gonna laugh if she pees herself!"

Pinkie looked down at Rainbow with just the faintest hint of disgust. "What is with you and pee today, Dashie? Look, I know what we did last fall was fun-"

"Did I really get ya into that?" Applejack mumbled. "Damn girl-"

Twilight stroked her chin in contemplation. "Well as long as she watches her sodium intake-"

"Shut the buck up. All of you!" Rainbow hissed demonically.

Rarity couldn't respond in words. The agony of the thoughts that whistled in her head needed to be fixed instantly. The last thing she needed to know was the sexual limits of Rainbow Dash's perverted and deranged mind. There was one, permanent solution.

Her horn flared to life furiously to begin the chemical reaction of heating up and stimulating the marijuana, a massive plus for being a unicorn. The look on panic on Fluttershy's face would of been slightly funny in another context, but for now, Rarity Gemma needed to take her mind to another realm. At least, for a few moments.

She knew the drug was ready instinctively. She could feel it through the response it gave to her magic. It was ready. For her.

Rarity was known as a mare of risk in business, as was natural in her trade. But not in her personal life and consumption. However, at this pivotal time in history, she had decided to damn everything, including her friends and rational thought. With a gentle tip to an unknown gentlecolt - and to block out the faint argument of Rainbow's sexual ethics - Rarity pressed on the golden button on top of the vaporizer, ready to take a hit and feel pure, clean, filtered THC flood her brain.

She didn't let go of the button, for over fifteen seconds.

Chapter Fourteen: Stoned Steamtrain Shenanigans

Chapter Fourteen: Sun Tzu Wants More Snoo Snoo

Rainbow Dash hovered over the carcass that was Rarity Gemma. The alabaster mare looked, well, dead. "So, do you think we killed her? And we're maybe a quarter of the way to Canterlot. We could always toss her off the cliffs when we get there."

"Rainbow, you can see she is still breathing." Twilight sighed, prodding Rarity for a response.

"I was joking," Dash mumbled.

Twilight glanced around at her friends before settling her eyes on the blue pegasus above her. "Besides, I think that's a suggestion that I need to make first. I'm the one with the magic who could pull it off."

Dash bit her bottom lip. "Okay, so that isn't the least bit creepy, Doctor Twilight."

"But you aren't a doctor, Twilight." Fluttershy gently stroked a forehoof up and down Rarity's faintly moving chest, scratching at the pristine coat underneath. "You really have no idea what you are talking about other than theory." Fluttershy looked up at Twilight. "I think she's just really, really high with the way her right forehoof is tapping lightly onto her coat. Her eyelids are fluttering consistently with what I see in most of my clients. She's alright."

"Hah!" Rainbow stabbed a forehoof into Twilight's side, twirling through the air in victory. "You just got owned by Fluttershy, again-oww my tail!" Rainbow Dash hung limply in the air with her wild tail momentarily turned into a razor of prismatic hair, magic squeezing the hair into a blade. Her crotch was exposed to the world, and yet, not a single blush was on her muzzle. "What is with you grabbing my tail all the time, Twilight? I have a nice aircraft carrier, I know! Either clean the runway, put fuel inside of it, or suck on my bomb crater. I also don't exactly have a pain tolerance to tail yanking."

"No she doesn't!" Pinkie oinked, stroking the ironing board of Rainbow's tail evilly. "So what you have to do, is pull it a hoof from the base and-"

Rainbow glanced in delight back down at Pinkie Pie. "Hey, Pinkie, remember when I used the chopping board as a paddle? I remember you-"

"Oh look, generic gum over here!" Pinkie whistled casually to check under the seats of the train, trying to hide the burning cherry that began to fissure over her cheeks. It wasn't working.

Applejack, was not amused by the stupidity of her friends. It was one thing to absolutely poke fun of Rarity for the amusement of everypony around her, but it was another for them to do it when the mare was down and out. She had to draw the line. Somewhere. "Pershing's penis, can ya twoshut it?" she mumbled, resting her muzzle in her own mane. Her blond tail hung loosely over the sides of her couch. "She's wakin' up. I think."

"Give her a minute, Applejack." Fluttershy smiled, turning around to give Applejack a playful wink. "She's most likely having the best dream of her life. Let her enjoy it! The longer she's there, the more she has to tell us!"

"Wait a second, penis!?" Pinkie Pie landed on top of Applejack, who grunted out in agony at the sudden, pudgy pony standing on her. Pinkie looked down at her current carpet with a beaming smile. "Oh oh oh, is it the hovering out of nowhere kind, Applejack!? I've always wondered what they taste like, not having a body attached to them."

Applejack simply slammed her snout into the seat base. "Sometimes... I think Pinkie's retarded."

Recently freed of her magical prison, Dash flew over to Applejack, scooping up Pinkie Pie and plopping her down on the ground like a cat jumping up on the wrong counter top. "But don't you think of me like that too, Applejack?"

Applejack nodded. "I do, RD, and that's why I feel smart."

Rainbow snorted derisively. "Feel smart."

Hearing about one of her defining traits, Twilight Sparkle turned to end the argument, once and for all. "I'm just not going to mention I'm the one with a bachelors degree at twenty," she gleamed, stroking the front of her chest in a momentarily boast. "Almost done with two more."

"But... you just did, Twilight." Rainbow blinked, scratching the back of her mane.

Twilight ignored the comment, turning her attention toward Applejack. "So, Applejack, would you like to talk about poly-cultural crop rotation? I've learned so much from your practical applications."

Pinkie Pie snorted childishly from under a seat. "Heh! Crop rotation."

Rainbow folded her forehooves, blowing at her bangs. "I'm getting a degree, and I would be getting two if I didn't drop out of one like an idiot." She chuckled dryly, eyeing the bemusement in both Applejack's and Twilight's eyes. "Might go get it anyways. Could be a good back up career."

"Smartflanking and idiocy?" Twilight asked, flicking her tail. "You're on your post doctorate research on both, Rainbow Dash. I just completed my masters on smartflanking; you've been a good mentor." She gave Dash a playful wink. "Honestly? On that, thanks."

"But where did she get the stupidity degree?" Applejack stroked her chin, glancing at the gum searching Pinkie. She gave Twilight a shrug of her broad shoulders. "I got nothin'."

"Hmm," Twilight pondered, sitting herself down beside Applejack. "I'll get back to you on that."

Rainbow's wings flapped harder, a faint growl trundling out of her mouth. "Exercise Physiology and Pegasi' Structural Engineering. I dropped out of the later-"

Twilight leaned forward, sharing a look of awe that Applejack also held on her muzzle. She summed up both of their thoughts. "I usually am not this blunt, but you have to be shitting me, Rainbow Dash." She was on a roll with her study of curse words and their ample ability to become just about anything they wanted to be. In a grammatical sense of course. Applejack was about to comment on the unexpected word choice, but was soon enough interrupted by Rainbow.

"Really?" Dash growled. "You think I just trotted into this body?Who has the massive floating pimped out pad? I do. Who do you think built it? My dad, and me. You think cloudcrete is just, push into place and done?"

Rainbow continued, landing in front of her two friends, giving their muzzles a firm poke. "Did you know that liquid rainbow is made by channeling sunlight through a prism, distilling it through a Tesla coil, chilling it with liquid nitrogen, and then reheating it until it reaches room temperature? No, you didn't. I make fun of AJ, but growing crops isn't easy or stupid work either, so you know, Twilight, being a top athelete isn't something you can just bullshit into either."

"I... I didn't know, Rainbow, I'm sorry." Twilight looked away meekly, her eyes bordering on tears. "It was just a joke, and I didn't know that you wanted to be like your father. That's really admirable."

"And... I didn't either, sugercube." Applejack scoffed at the couch shyly. "Well... Abrams anus, I feel like an idiot now."

Dash landed beside her friends, wrapping a wing around both of them. She let out a deep, loud sigh, cursing under her breath. "It's okay you two, I'm just pent up, and you know that. Just... nopony ever asked." Dash smiled softly. "It's okay though, cause... I kind of do act like a dick ya know, so I earned all of that. Just remember, I'm more complex then ya think. Isn't that, kinda a running gag with me?"

"Tell me about it," Twilight laughed, nuzzling quietly into Dash's neck. "You bottle up way too much, Rainbow, and that explains... a lot. You might need me as a therapist."

"Hottest therapist I know," Rainbow winked.

"Amen to that," Applejack nodded. Her snout scrunched up into her neck as her words exited her muzzle, a flaming red blush blasting over her cheeks. Twilight and Rainbow giggled loudly. "I-I-I said I need my hat! I feel lonely not wearin' it."

Rainbow ruffled a wing messily through her friend's flowing blond mane. "You're the hottest earth pony I know, and the hat means I can't see your face as well. Gonna have to deal with not wearing it tonight."

Pinkie Pie poked her muzzle out from underneath their seats. "Just do each other and get it over with!" She laid underneath the seat contently. "No, really. Just do it. You'll-epp!"

"You owe me a hug though," Rainbow said, a hind hoof inside of Pinkie Pie's muzzle. "Well, okay, you don't owe me one, but... I'll take it!"

"That, I can do. Come here." Twilight wrapped her forehooves around Dash's lean and curved shoulders, giving the pegasus a tight, firm squeeze, sinking her hooves into the fluffy coat.

Dash sighed happily in delight. "Mmm. Twi' hug! Best of hugs. And I get to look at your sweaty butt when I help you lose weight in the future. That's my-"

As quickly as the hug began, Rainbow Dash was magically shoved into Applejack by the unicorn, violet eyes staring darkly at Rainbow barking out in laughter. "You are such a pervert!"

"Never denied that!" Dash squealed, soon joined in by the cackles of Applejack underneath her.

"Shh!" Fluttershy hissed, "she's waking up!"

Rarity opened her sapphire eyes to the usual sound of her friends giving a pristine example of why the six of them were not fit to be considered the ideal role model for children. Perhaps it was how they loved each other and how they would stick by one another through Tartarus and back? Their bickering was all in playful fun. Most of the time.

No, that logic just didn't fit with the six of them. Divine providence just had a sick sense of humor.

It didn't matter at the current moment though, because the unicorn was so damn high.

"You know," Rarity began, her bloodshot eyes looking at her peers, "I can tell you exactly how I feel right now."

All five of her friends shuffled forward toward Rarity quickly, as if she had just come back from the dead. Rainbow and Fluttershy hung in the air, as Twilight and Applejack rested a forehoof each on Rarity's knees. Pinkie Pie simply bounced up and down with the springing excitement that was considered a trade marked sound.

Rarity coughed loudly, sitting up with her forehooves pushed into the floor. Her blue eyes slowly tracked over the excited, curious eyes of her friends. "Have you ever been in public, or the movie theater, a party - it doesn't matter - and you've had to hold in a massive bit of flatulence? It can just ruin your night. And you hold it in, and hold it in, and hold it in, and it grows, and grows, and grows, and finally, you can go to the bathroom." She tittered drunkenly, resting her head on the seat behind her. "I feel like I just released myself."

Rainbow Dash dragged a forehoof across her snout, letting out a furious groan. "So it's disgusting when I talk about farting but completely okay when she does it? Give me that vaporizer, Rarity!"

"Well." Twilight blinked, scratching an ear. "That was unexpected. I'm not sure if I want to try it now."

"You don't get it, Twilight!" Pinkie grabbed Twilight firmly, shaking her violently. "It's so good, that it can switch our personalities around! Don't you see the possibilities? It means I can be normal. It means Fluttershy can have confidence. It's the greatest drug since... since..."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Aspirin? I'm pretty sure it isn't."

"Oh, but it's so bloody close," Rarity rumbled. She stood up slowly, shaking herself off with a nickering sigh of content, eyeing the pegasus as Rainbow took a few quiet, almost philosophical puffs on the stick. "Please try it, everypony. I feel like I've just received a full body massage with a happy ending, finished a dress, duck taped your mouth, Rainbow Dash, and successfully got you and Twilight Sparkle to date, love, marry and live happily ever after with a beautiful wedding in Canterlot and-"

Her five friends blinked in unison, all five of their muzzles blank. They looked at each other in silent agreement, processing the information and their own planning as one. It was as if a collective link had been established. The whole night had been explained, and it only required drugging up Rarity.

“Well,” Applejack began, licking her bottom lip, “this solves ‘n explains just about every problem we got. And we didn't even need ta play Truth or Dare. Maybe reefer madness can really help make the world a better place.”

Twilight raised a forehoof, unable to keep a wide smile from spreading across her muzzle. "Not to mention, Rarity, that when Rainbow, Applejack and I compared evidence and what had happened today, we pretty much knew you were doing this several hours ago. You just admitted to your own scheming."

Her eyes turned into disks of purple dew, gasping in shock. "So maybe Pinkie is right. This drug could be the ultimate lie detector!"

Fluttershy grinned, clopping her forehooves together. "I could make a fortune, and use it to secretly sabotage logging companies in Brayzil. I can save the rain forest!"

For a few seconds, Rarity stood there in mute silence, the gears of her active and keen mind churning together what she had just said. The magically infused THC had numbed part of her brain and awakened others. Clearly, it had activated the parts she didn't exactly want to be known. But it was too late.

She opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again. “Well. Buck,” she said flatly. “This weed is so good I have turned into Applejack. Well played, Fluttershy, well played.”

“But, I didn't do or plan anything,” Fluttershy said sweetly.

"And it makes Rarity swear!" Pinkie shook Twilight again, listening to her friend whinny in protest at being violently moved. "I told you! But you didn't listen to me!"

Rarity pulled herself up onto her seat, laying down on her side. She felt both wide awake and exhausted at the same time, coughing politely on instinct to change the subject.

She did an awful job at doing it. “I’m just going to inhale through my nose, and completely let myself forget that my entire hidden agenda for this evening was compromised by a stupendously good batch of marijuana." She hummed casually, looking at her own forehoof. "And now, I am only reconfirming what I could have attempted to fix, and my mouth just seems to keep on running, as it is apt to do from time to time. And you know what? Frankly my dears, I just don’t give a damn. It feels wonderful not to be paranoid about scheming things." She tilted her head toward Rainbow Dash, who seemed content to take her time and take very small, suckling nips on the drug. "You really should try it, Twilight sweetie."

Twilight bit her bottom lip nervously. “I kind of want to enjoy how Fluttershy inadvertently helped me have a strategic victory. You know, me effortlessly dominating you without even having to try. Typical results when people play me in strategy games."

"Now calm down there, Twi'," Applejack faintly growled, her emerald eyes glaring at her. "Don't pull a Dasha now."

Looking slowly back at Applejack, Twilight sighed quietly. "Why do I have such high ethical standards for myself?"

Hovering in the air and puffing for the last time onto the vaporizer, Rainbow's magenta eyes looked down at the long, silver staff. She pulled it away slowly, blowing out a jet of water vapor from her nose. “Holy, crap,” Rainbow whistled, landing on top of a seat lazily. “This... this is different than any pot we’ve ever tried. This is like, the solving of world problems kind of weed, and I feel only slightly dizzy. You gotta try this. It’s like, the essence of being a pony kind of weed.”

"Mother of Celestia," Pinkie mumbled under her breath, "it's turned Dash into a hipster. I don't know if this is amazing, or I should begin to immediately kill her." She stroked her chin. "Decisions, decisions."

Twilight shook her head at Rainbow. "We should talk about what's going on first, since this has changed everything. Now we can be, well, adults, and discuss exactly who has feelings for who, and-”

“Try the damn weed!” Rainbow yelled, shoving the vaporizer into Twilight's muzzle, and holding down the trigger like a good friend should.

"Yes!" Pinkie cheered with a hoof pump. "I don't have to kill her! Whew. Annoying hipsters are my mortal enemies. As is Thor."

"You will love it," Rarity giggled, keeping the trigger down with a thrum of her magic.

Applejack bit her bottom lip. "I... I should stop this, but the simple thought of seein' Twi' completely gone sounds interestin'." Her ears folded by the side of her muzzle. "I'm ashamed of myself."

"There, there, Applejack," Fluttershy cooed, wrapping a wing around Applejack. "It's just harmless fun, and Pinkie is right: sometimes, you have to force Twilight down and show her things. You know it's true about you, and I certainly know it's true about Rainbow."

Applejack took a step backwards. "That... that is perhaps the most messed up moral I've ever heard comin' from you, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy dug her forehooves into Applejack's coat, her mako colored eyes radioactive with anger. "It cost me nearly five thousand bits to get just the seeds, and a year to grow it. So you're gonna like it, and let her like it. Got it?"

Applejack gulped down a ball of saliva, nodding her head as she watched the ungraceful flailing of Twilight's futile attempts to physically stop Rainbow. Twilight had the best of friends.

Twilight coughed as she choked on air, scoffing at the ground to gather her bearing. “Forcing me to try an illegal drug doesn't help with friendship, Rainbow."

“I don’t know,” Pinkie pondered, taking the vaporizer for herself. “We forced you into a lot of things, Twi’, and they helped you in the long run. Like alcohol, and sex toys, and talking to ponies, and helping your Asper-”

Pinkie Pie screeched as she held her left eye with a forehoof, falling over onto a couch with a whimper. “What the hay, girls!? Why is everypony hitting me in the eye today?”

It was impossible for Twilight not to turn her head around with a snide grin, flicking her tail casually. “Opps. Sorry, Pinkie, I think it was a muscle twitch.”

“Hmph!” Pinkie pouted, suckling onto the glimmering shaft. “I’m watching you, Twilight. You can be a meanie when-woah..." Pinkie leaned forward, flicking her own mostly unpuffed tail behind herself. "Twilight... you, are cute. Dashie was right, I love what beat you got bumpin' in that trunk of yours!"

"You see?" Dash grinned. "I have a good taste in mares. I'm not the gay pride of Equestria for nothin'."

Laying back down on her couch with a seductive grin, Twilight curled her tail around her side, stroking the striped length idly with a forehoof. “Are you now, Pinkie?” she nickered, her eyes turning into sultry slits of glowing amethysts. "Thanks. I'd say the same with your new hair and your caboose, Pinkie. I'm sure you'll get some colts and mares coming to you tonight. I'd come to you in more ways than one."

"Is... Twilight flirting with Pinkie?" Fluttershy said. "This is-"

“Shh!’ Dash said, pressing a forehoof to Fluttershy's muzzle. “She’s being hot. Never, interrupt Twilight being hot. This is off the charts hot."

Applejack twirled a forehoof through her blond mane. “Ya know, sometimes, I think we’re a train wreck waitin' to happen. I'm not sure if we are better sober, or drunk, or high. Things screw up around us. Or... we're just screwed up, and we don't know it."

“Shh!” Rarity hissed, pulling her newly acquired orange pillow. “We’re watching our lovely purple project show how wonderfully grown up she has become. Oh you magnificent mare, go Twilight!”

“Well," Applejack sighed, letting her mane and coat be brushed to Rarity's content, "I guess she had to lose that final bit of her innocence one day. You all can blame me for givin' up on tryin' to save our foalhoods."

"I was innocent once?" Dash asked, rolling over on her seat like a pet dog. "Cause I could go on forever about Flight School, and what I used to do." She stuck out her tongue playfully.

Applejack slammed her head into the seat once more, accepting her fate as Rarity's current pet pony. "Ya know, reefer madness might really be the solution. For me."

“U-U-umm, Twilight?” Pinkie asked, removing the vaporizer from her muzzle. “I-I’m pretty sure you never had eyeliner before. I-I-It makes you sexy-I-I-I mean-” She was blushing much more than the pot should of made her.

Rarity cooed happily, squeezing her Apple plushy. “Yes! I gave her eyeliner the same color as her muzzle and eyes, so you can only notice it when she purrs like she does. Oh my wonderful Twilight Sparkle, do you sparkle!” Abandoning Applejack as effortlessly as she took the earth mare, Rarity reached forward to kiss Twilight on the cheek, stroking through her silky mane. “Ohh how fine your hair is! I-”

“Hah! She fell for it!” Twilight couldn't help but break out into a flood of cackles, burying her muzzle into Rarity’s neck. “I was thinking to myself with this new look I could practice some postural flirtation theories, and clearly, it worked! Pinkie Pie was flirting with me earlier, and I was successfully able to flirt back!”

Pinkie Pie mumbled incoherently to herself, puffing out air from the end of her muzzle. She was not amused. “Well, at least I got this for it." She pulled on the trigger longer, her cerulean eyes relaxing as they closed in contemplation. When they opened, Pinkie looked not like herself, but like she was in an odd peace. "Wow. Rainbow Dash was right. I feel like both sides of my personality are one for the first time in eight years! This... is incredible! You've saved me from myself!"

"I have absolutely no idea what she's talkin' about." Applejack said, taking the silver rod from Pinkie firmly. "And so, I'm gonna use this, like Rarity, and have absolutely no idea what's goin' on anymore." She folded her ears as she looked down at the vaporizer. "I'm gonna miss you, brain."

"Pinkie Pie has two personalities, like Twilight does when she's CORAD insane." Dash said, poking Applejack's cheek with a forehoof. "I rarely ever see her... well... something where Pinkie would not be Pinkie, so this is kinda interesting."

Placing the rod in her mouth with a shrug, Applejack eyed the giggling and half cuddling unicorns beside her as she sat down on the floor. Her emerald eyes stared off into the distance as she clicked on the trigger, puffing out air from the end of her mouth. "Very interestin' taste," she said. "Kinda earthy, chocolate, and spiced all at once. How in the hay did they do that?"

"You have to realize, Applejack, that this is grown by the Neighterland's royal family." Fluttershy hummed, hanging her forehooves over Rainbow's sides. She laid beside her fellow pegasus, having perched top of Rainbow like a house cat. She idly stroked through the long chromatic mane in front of her. "They have mages and some of the finest botanists who worked together over hundreds of years to make this. Since it's legal over there, they really made it into a science. I'm not even sure if it should be called cannabis with how magically changed and enhanced it is." She smiled peacefully at Applejack. "Do you mind me trying it?

"Well you bought it so I think-Rainbow!"

"Tehe!" Dash giggled, puffing on the stolen stick. "I haven't felt like not making a rude joke since... well the last time I made myself so sore I couldn't move."

"Oh my!" Fluttershy gasped. "This has to be potent if it can keep you from making jokes, Dashie." She took hold of the vaporizer with a wing, singing to herself as she puffed on its tip.

"Well I'll keep the sarcasm going then." Twilight laughed, idly scratching Rarity behind the ear. "This must be what you feel like, Rarity, just not having to worry about things." She held onto Twilight with a forehoof around her stomach, listening to the nickers of content rumbling from Rarity's stomach.

"Do you have any idea how panicked I've been about today?" Rarity looked up at Twilight. "I mean, yes, I have completely and utterly lost at this point, but hopefully, things can only look up from here, no? I just wanted all of us to explode, and for you, Twilight, to, well, find love. Not that we all don't love you. I just think we could all use a good shag by this point, or just this." She smiled up at Twilight. "I like not having to worry, and yet... able to think clearly at the same time."

"My Pinkie Sense tells me if we weren't on this train, this would become an orgy in about an hour." Pinkie Pie laid down on her stomach, and in fact, for the first time in recent history, looked and was acting like any pony of relative sanity would. Who had the ability to predict the future and the past. Ponies from across the ocean had inadvertently figured out how to tame the untamable. For a few hours.

Twilight smiled a strategist's smile. "How do you know it won't, Pinkie? Maybe that'll be my revenge on all of you. Or, maybe I'll tie you all up and tease Rarity in front of you all and make you all beg for me to do it to you. Or maybe..."

Four pairs of brightly colored eyes turned into dots of fear, far too sober and more than capable of understanding the implications of Twilight's words. Twilight flushed in sudden understanding, letting out a quiet, innocent pony squee to deflect her words. "Or maybe... we'll just party! Heheh. I like partying!" Her magic pulled away the vaporizer from Fluttershy, deconstructing it to add more grass. "I... might want to get that side of me checked out."

Pinkie Pie leaned forward darkly, her blue eyes staring down Twilight's. "You magnificent bastard, you read my future predicting book! How could you predict you going insane and forcing us to be your sex slaves! You-"

"Pinkie," Twilight said flatly, "you were with me when I found the time traveling spell. And I was joking. Mostly."

"Oh, buck!" Dash gasped. "There's a time traveling spell out there, and you know it, Twilight?" Sweat began to pour down her neck. "Okay, what happened in the bathrooms of the Colosseum was totally consensual, and they liked it. I was in heat, and had been flirting all night, and I didn't mind what they did, or the mess we made! Honest!"

"Rainbow Lightning Dash." Fluttershy leaned over to take the newly rebuilt vaporizer from Twilight, inserting it into Rainbow's muzzle. "I hate to say this, but you might be a nymphomaniac."

Pinkie tapped her forehooves together rapidly on the couch. "Yeah, Fluttershy is right. Now I'm a fan of parties, but if you go that far, you have a problem, Rainbow."

"I'm so glad I can't picture what she did right now," Applejack sighed happily, falling over onto her back. "That, is so nice."

Twilight stroked her chin, looking up at the ceiling. "That... explains so much of Rainbow Dash."

Fluttershy massaged Rainbow's side, listening to her friend rumble in content at the kneading of her toned frame. "Now, sweetie, there are many ways we can help you. The first step-"

"Is for me to say that I find it utterly arousing she's so charged, and that I would more than happily teach Rainbow Dash some techniques to help her with her problems," Rarity added casually. Five pairs of eyes stared at her in horror. She continued without regret. "You think with my sister, and the bloody clients who need their pricks rearranged conveniently up the nearest timber wolf scrotum, that I just titter it off and hop along with my day? Goodness no." She cackled madly. "I ravage myself constantly to keep myself from deciding to tell ungrateful, pompous wankers to sod off on the git of a mistress they call 'companions'."

She blinked, and her expression was returned by the equal blinking of all five of her friends. "Oh. It seems this batch makes me... rather loose with my vocabulary. Well, the thoughts have been repressed for far too long!"

Rainbow's wings shot up from the sides of her body, causing Fluttershy to squeak as she was shoved over by the pomfing, powerful wings. "I think Rarity officially just jumped several points on the hotness scale. Hay yes, I will learn from you, and you will learn from me, and can you swear more? Cause I think my wings and hind legs kind of enjoyed that. A lot."

"Why thank you, Dashie dear," Rarity said with a flick of her hair and tail. "You and I are gifted with tongues that have the same bite, but of a different poison. You are a mix, Twilight sweetie."

"I... I think Rarity just made swearin' an art," Applejack said, yanking the silver cylinder from Rainbow's muzzle. "Dasha's a nympho, an' Rarity wants ta teach her things, and we were plannin' on having you two hook up, an' too much manure is happenin'." She panted frantically, her eyes bulging in panic. "And oh hayseeds, I'm picturin' what Dash did, so to hay with this, cause I'm gettin' bucked up until I pass out. I can't take any more!"

Pinkie Pie shook her head as a wide range of emotions began to shift across her snout. She settled on perplexed. "So... you all think I'm the one here who can be insane in the membrane? Me? Me?" Her forehooves moved up in an attempt to make herself look even more confused. She gave up, dropping them beside her. "I'm done. We're all nuts, I'm just the only one who admits it. Oh, and Twilight, I know exactly how you feel right now, and I can tell you, I'm sorry we put you through this."

"Thank you, Pinkie!" Twilight cheered. "Now you know why I binge eat! And it's not going to stop anytime soon."

"Well," Rarity said calmly, looking at her fellow comrades, "it seems we have been dancing with each other secretly, no? Twilight, would you like to explain what is going on?" She eyed Applejack, watching the mare fumble with the rod. "And I'm glad Applejack is making the Fruit' legacy proud by using drugs to solve their' problems! Here here! And... all of us really," she chuckled nervously.

"You started it," Rainbow said, flicking her wild tail ontop of Fluttershy. "I knew something was up the first second you said something; I'm not stupid, Rares, and I've been in more relationships than pretty much all of you combined."

"And I would be lying to say that I still think you and Twilight would make a fantastic couple." Rarity squeaked at Twilight squeezing her, looking up at Twilight with interest. "Must I suffer with you being cuddly, Twilight? Ohh... keep on rubbing my stomach, if you don't mind."

"'Suffer,'" Twilight snorted. "Uh huh. And well... I'd be lying if Rainbow Dash opening up to me didn't, well... touch me."

"So you do have feelings for each other! Wonderful! If-"

"We're going to double date Applejack with me, and Rainbow with you."

All that could be heard coming out from Rarity's muzzle was the faint, mute cry of stuttering hiccups. She sounded as if she was choking on her own soul.

Rainbow Dash found it so funny she almost fell off of the booth. "That right there," she said, pointing at Rarity, "that is the face I do want to see again! It's the face and sound I made when Applejack told me that was her plan, and Twilight thought it was good too. Gosh I must be cute sometimes."

"You are cute," Twilight said with a snide smile. "Whenever you get angry and push your muzzle into your neck? Record breaking."

"Here here!" Pinkie gaveled, tapping a forehoof onto the floor. "I second that motion! No comment on Rainbow and me and what we've done. I could though. Oh. So tempting!"

Fluttershy closed her eyes contently. "Oh yes! When we used to kiss in Flight School, and Rainbow used to blush like she is now, I would just fall over giggling because she's so adorable!" All four of Rainbow's friends broke out into a torrent of titters at her flaring red cheeks.

"And I fourth the motion," Rarity grinned, clopping her hooves together. "And the way you sputter and fluster when cornered is-"

Rarity eyed the ruby eyed, flushed cheeks of Applejack, who was taking hit after hit from the slick vaporizer. With a loud groan, Rarity pulled away the cylinder from her with a loud twank of magic, growling at the earth mare. "Oh for Celestia's sake, Applejack, you are treating it like Braeburn's knob. Don't choke on it, mare, it's not going anywhere!"

The waterfall of laughs that resulted from the bombardment of Rarity's vulgarities caused Rainbow Dash to fall on the train floor, soon enough pulling Fluttershy down with her. Pinkie had lost herself to squealing hellfire, followed shamelessly enough by Fluttershy and Twilight as the plastered Applejack blinked in confusion at Rarity. All that was on Rarity's face was a faint blush.

"W-w-well I... I guess I have quite a tongue when I am a bit high now don't I?" Rarity couldn't help but chuckle with her wailing friends.

"P-P-please!" Rainbow squealed, clinging onto Twilight Sparkle as if the unicorn was a life preserver, "you have to stop, Rarity! Or date me! You are stupidly funny on this stuff. I'm... I'm dying. Oh my gosh why haven't you ever shown this side of you?"

"W-w-well, because I treasure Applejack's companionship," she composed, Applejack shook her head wildly in an attempt to wake herself up. It only showed off the dueling red and green in her eyes. "And because it is not-oh who am I kidding!"

Rarity tackled Twilight and Rainbow, wrapping her forehooves around her two friends to give both of them a firm, tight squeeze. "Because I'm afraid of you all not approving of me being, well, loose." She bit her bottom lip, rolling her eyes with a dramatic sigh. "Oh fine, you cruel mares who I call my sisters, I will accept this... ploy of yours, but only, Rainbow Dash, if you behave moderately better than you normally do. There's loose and-"

"Heh," Applejack chuckled, her bloodshot eyes flicking to life. "Dasha's... Dasha's jaw would be loose after Braeburn used her. That's really loose."

"And because I'm not Rainbow," Rarity smiled, "I will accept that Applejack is very far gone and not-"

Rainbow Dash slid forward, pressing her muzzle into Applejack's. "Oh my gosh, is he that big?" Dash asked excitedly. "Not that I'm a size queen, or anything."

"-Dash I-"

"Length wise he is," Applejack tittered. "I caught him with two very distant cousins last year," Applejack continued.

With every second that passed, Rarity's voice became more dejected. "-or Applejack-"

"Mare please, you don't know how deep my throat is," Rainbow preened.

Fluttershy and Twilight nodded in unison. "Nymphomaniac."

"I've heard he's gotta train of a load," Applejack giggled, falling face forward on the ground. "Oh shoot, I'm more plastered than the Valentine's Day Massacre. I think I must of taken forty hits."

"You know, Twilight," Rarity sighed,  "perhaps you should choose Pinkie-"

"Hey!" Pinkie growled. "A lot of chocolate was ruined that day. Expensive chocolate from Zebraica and Moorocco and Baysium and Germaney! The losses were in the millions! Don't spoil their memory!"

Rarity sighed deeply, placing the vaporizer in her muzzle for a few hits of self reflection. She felt her own eyes slowly fill in with heat, although not nearly to the borderline napalm colored of the farmer currently fielding a crop of utopia. "Twilight?"

Twilight stole the silver baton of either the Mane Six's salvation or damnation from Rarity, suckling onto the tip without regrets. She contemplated how some force of emotional purity still considered the six mares as bastion of a countries salvation. Her own purple eyes were lightly sprinkled with dull red lightning going across their edges. "Yes?" she said. "If it involves me being happy about not even trying to beat you, and still beating you without trying, yes, that's the reason you all trust me to lead."

"Insignificant," Rarity hummed, zoning out the sexual bets of Applejack and Rainbow Dash. "What if I told you, that I plan on taking us to one of the largest, hippest clubs in Canterlot, and plan on us eating, drinking, and dancing the night away until all six of us can't think straight for the next few days is on the menu?"

Fluttershy hovered over the two unicorns, wrapping a forehoof around both of them. "Then I'd say, yay! I think all of us could use that. Although I'm not sure Applejack will be dancing anytime soon.

Applejack had resulted to pinning down Rainbow Dash, lapping at Dash's face as if she was a dog.

"AJ, what the buckin' hayseeds are you-stop that tickles!" Rainbow laughed.

"Maybe... she smoked too much." Fluttershy chuckled.

Chapter Fifteen: Prelude To The Lassitude

Chapter Fifteen: Prelude To The Amplitude

To ponies who didn't live there - or the moderately intelligent - Canterlot seemed to be the model of what ponydom strived to be. It was the pinnacle of Equestrian culture. Beautiful domes, magical marble, mystical lights and wise minds printing out the knowledge that would change the world was at the core of what it sought to be. It was where the finest arts, greatest scholars, oldest lore and most ancient of buildings stood the test of time. It proclaimed what Celestia and Luna had helped build and cultivate after over two millenniums of progress.

It was exactly that. It was only a model. The world seemed to collectively forget what the children of millionaires and the college aged adults of bureaucrats did. Some of them would change Equestria and Ungulia in the future, and some of them would follow in their' parents hoofsteps. But did Equestria really think they were bastions of moral purity?

Moral purity, and thousands of twenty-something ponies in a confined space never went hoof in hoof, regardless of income bracket, educational level, or chosen by providence to be examples of virtue. Virtue had a good talk with Decadence recently. Virtue had been a bit uptight over the eons.

"And here, we, are!" Rarity had lead her sisters-in-arms - or more accurately in drugs - to the Undercity, following their alabaster guide through the city streets toward the more hidden sides of Canterlot that ponies tried to forget, but were secretly thankful for. Built into the cliffs underneath Canterlot and sprawling deep inside of the mountain, thousands of upper-middle class university students and thousands of questionably thankful merchants called this part of Canterlot home. Soothing magical street lights lite up the polished tunnels of the Undercity, buildings built in and around the caves and caverns, merging unicorn architecture with earth pony engineering brilliance.

The Mane Six stood in front of a throbbing, massive nightclub. It had been carved around and in a cavern that shot out into the night sky, occupying below, to the sides, and above the cave to form a sealed bubble of youthful vigor. Hundreds of ponies were everywhere; eating, gambling, dancing, drinking and legally drugging the night away. It was an open flaunting of sin and status. Invictus was its name. It captured the essence of what it was to be a pony.

And that, was to sing, dance, laugh, and be peaceful. By being utterly bucked up in the head in more ways than one.

"I'm so glad you aren't a flat character, Rarity." Pinkie Pie's blue eyes scanned the crowd of ponies, drinks, machines and music. She had never seen such a mix of so many forms of entertainment, cultures and ideas merging into what was surely, something she would try to replicate in a town that considered six ponies getting drunk a news worthy affair. "I mean, nopony would think of you as a mare who likes to party in this manner," Pinkie continued. "Good thing we know otherwise!"

Rarity offered a gentle bump of her flank cheeks into Pinkie's, resulting in a faint giggle echoing from their muzzle tips. "You, dears, have only seen the tip of what I have been repressing for far too long. I am more than meets the eye, that is for sure, and I am glad my friends usually see me that way." She looked over the other four Elements. "Usually."

"And all it took was weed from the Equine Union." Rainbow Dash hovered over her friends, simply to keep the dueling forces of a minor alcohol down and magical marijuana high from consuming her thoughts and making her body not quite fit to function. Instinctive flying was nice. "I still can't believe you all think Rarity and me, should... uhh..."

"We'll I don't really," Rarity clarified. "I'm sure you are fantastic in bed."

"Which I am." Dash nickered suggestively.

"And wonderfully affectionate-"

"-despite my amazing badflank meter hating it." Rainbow blushed.

Fluttershy wrapped a wing gently around Rarity, leaning into her. "She's like me, she just denies it because it conflicts with who she wants to be seen as, like you."

Rarity did one of the top five things she was best at. She pouted. "We have so many things not in common that, well..."

Twilight Sparkle held up a forehoof, her THC high having melded into a bitter calm, two contradicting things the unicorn should never be at the same time. "Being friends isn't about what we have that's different, it's about enjoying what we have in common, and accepting what we have that's different. Think about it: we're all polar opposites of each other, and yet we're still the best of friends."

"Bradley'sballs, I'm not friendin' anypony until I eat half a buffet," Applejack groaned. Her emerald eyes had dulled, puffing out a spiderweb of pulsating cherry from every throbbing vein. "I am so high right now," she said, rubbing her eyes with a forehoof. She took several steps forward, before shaking her muzzle in an attempt to wake herself up. It didn't work.

"Glad my date is an intellectual tour-de-force," Twilight huffed, stroking her temple with a forehoof. Whatever peace she had from her drug had melted away at the prospect of having to deal with a date far worse than herself.

"Cool story, Twilight," Pinkie hummed, leaning into Rarity, "But Jackie's right: I get pissy when I'm hungry too, and the last thing we need is Rainbow-"

"Enough with the pee jokes!" Dash whinnied, pressing her muzzle into Pinkie Pie's. "I get off to a lot of things, alright?"

"Oh I know that pretty well, Dashie Do," Pinkie grinned. Despite quietly puffing on Fluttershy's vaporizer, Pinkie didn't have the faintest bit of redness in her bright, cerulean eyes. Her split personalities had merged into one, coherent soul thanks to the weed, and the world was about to see it for the first time. From across dimensions, Q sighed at no longer having to work overtime to keep the space-time continuum from falling apart. As quickly.

Rainbow mumbled as she flapped her wings, pulling herself back. "I'll just not mention Button's-"

"Well I wonder how Rarity's gonna get us in?" As quickly as Pinkie had the upperhoof, her burning cheeks showed defeat, leaning over Rarity's shoulder as if the mare was holding something.

"You... walk in?" Twilight tilted her head to the entrance. "Do yousee a crowd? I don't."

Fluttershy nosed herself forward. "Umm, girls, I think you all are being a bit... snappy."

"And it is a very simple thing as our tense leader would say." Rarity waved a forehoof over the cavern of activity. "Barring concerts, it has enough room for anypony." She tittered, letting her faintly curled tail wag in the wind. "So let us trot on in, for Fluttershy is right; you girls have no reason to be tense!"

"But you are tense, most of the time." Fluttershy chuckled quietly. "You just are passive-aggressive about it. So you can't call us out for being tense too, cause that's just a double standard, and that's called being a bitch."

As soon as Fluttershy said those words, her face turned a burning napalm in color, a squeak escaping from her snout as she did her best to become as small as possible. "Oh... dear," she gulped.

"Fluttershy!" Rarity spat, sending forth a splatter of saliva onto the ground, "how could you say such a thing about me!?"

"It's the truth." Applejack prodded the unicorn's side. "I love ya, girl, and I really, really mean that, and this isn't just the weed talkin', but at times, it can be a definin' trait of you." She smiled, causing Rarity to shuffle in place at Applejack's stoned eyes looking at her. "Besides, Rarity, you think yer the only one? Rainbow's number one trait is just bein' a crotch cloud eatin' bitch. It's how she gets her anger out. You just gotta find a way to do it without throwin' a hissy fit."

"So don't worry about it, Rarity, even if it's true," Dash said, landing in front of Rarity. "Which it is. We all get it out stupidly. Like Applejack. She's a stupid hick, so she gets it out by being stubborn and beating trees, since she can't beat zebras like her ancestors did. Old habits die hard, you know?"

"And I get it out by repressing an angry side of me, doing cannabis while I help my animals, and engaging in the thrill of the drug trade," Fluttershy smiled. "It keeps me on edge and relaxed at the same time."

"And I lock away the half of my personality that would balance me out, but let it go satanic and contemplate the murder of anypony who even slightly annoys me," Pinkie chirped. "It keeps me on edge and relaxed at the same time too!"

"And I eat junk food, get migraines, tell Spike to do everything, and decide how I plan on overthrowing Celestia and Luna to create a despotic meritocratic socialist technocracy," Twilight said. "It's not that hard really, since she doesn't realize the industrial potential of Fillydelphia and modern magi-tek capabilities, despite me telling her otherwise."

The other five mares beside Twilight opened their mouths as one, but Twilight continued. She trotted in front of her friends, inhaling as if she was about to sum up the moral of the day. "Simple isn't it!? I'm glad you agree! And we can fix it. So all I have to do is get some connections with some industrial tycoons - which you can help with Rarity - and blackmail them to give me their' research. Then I jump start some think tanks, build some tanks by inspiring union laborers for the good of my socialist utopia, start an underground propaganda war on how she represses technological progress, use you all in your fields of expertise, and pretty much blitzkrieg to Canterlot, shock and awe the population, and tada! Overthrow Celestia and Luna, install you all as my generals, take the wealth from the nobility and give it to research and development - while aptly repaying my workers of course - and let the sheer excellence of my technologically advanced army make her submit."

She was trotting in place as she spoke, the eyes of her friends ink dots of terror. "Then I get everypony with a doctorate in Equestria, put them in power, and we take global imperium from there! Lets see you take a electromagnetic railgun to the plothole, Celestia! Next deity we face we should have known about? How about a dark matter cannon? I'll destroy every last hadron of you!"

By the time Twilight Sparkle was finished, her friends stared at her with a raw fear that made the thoughts of the mage sexually enslaving them feel like having a chocolate stain on one's coat. The other Elements were statues of their former selves.

Twilight blinked casually, flicking her tail behind herself as she ran a forehoof through the locks of her mane. "Did I not think about having enough artillery? That is a key component of modern warfare. Oh! I could use airships as Pegasi' carriers-why didn't I think of that! Thanks, girls!"

Her smile was not one of evil or insanity, but honest joy as a soft squee escaped from the end of her muzzle. She trotted forward to kiss each of her friends on the cheek. "This is why we're the best of friends; you all help me when I need you all the most. Friendship through Unity. Unity through Magic. I'll make sure to give you all high positions in my government! But this is still a decade away, so until then-"

"Wait. Hold up, Twilight." Pinkie Pie trotted in front of Twilight, placing her forehooves on the librarian-turned-dictator's shoulders. "There's something I wanna ask you."

"Of course!" Twilight chirped. "Although, I think the rest should be-"

Twilight slammed into Pinkie Pie with a shriek of pain, collapsing on top of the pink mare.

"Hey!" A large, black stallion guarding the entrance to the club called. He shot up, three of his companions following suit, eyeing the six mares. "The buck do-"

"She was choking," Rainbow called, hovering above Twilight. Twilight coughed up saliva onto Pinkie's curly coat, clinging to her meekly. Rainbow moved forward toward the bouncer. "She really likes the gum my pal in pink makes, and it got lodged in her throat."

He looked at his partners with interest, raising an eyebrow at the floating pegasus. "That's... a very interesting-"

"I'm a first degree black belt in Hailing Tempest," Rainbow added, landing on the ground as her wings folded to the side of her frame. "It was stuck in the back of her throat, but yeah, that might of been... a bit much, heh."

"We always tell her she chews too much gum," Rarity said, pulling up Twilight onto her hooves. "She's a librarian and well, you can guess how boring that must be."

"Try our job." Another of the guards, a brown, toned unicorn, snorted at the mares. "It's either boring, or dealing with fights, mares, drunks or druggies. No offense to you ladies." He leaned forward to look at Rarity, tilting his snout to the side. "Are you... on the VIP list?"

She nodded delightfully, eyeing the barely awake Twilight beside her. Twilight stumbled onto her hooves, held up by Pinkie Pie, Rainbow, and Applejack. "Yes! Rarity Gemma, and these are my fillyfriends." Rarity fluttered her eyelashes and blue eyes playfully. "I know it was excessive what Rainbow did, but alas, we are here, and, erm... different, if you can’t notice.” She waved her tail casually over her friends, gently flickering her magic through her own mane.

"I promise we won't cause trouble," she hummed, gently rocking on her hooves in a manner that made Pinkie Pie raise her eyebrow. "And I pay in real gold bits inside such a fine establishment."

The unicorn bouncer blinked for a moment. "Miss Gemma-"

"-Rarity please-"

"-if... you are trying to flirt with us, we are paid enough to not be seduced."

A deep, dark groan escaped from her muzzle. If Twilight had a more active ability to think, she would've been proud of how much it sounded like one of her own. "You know, I know I'm a very attractive mare-"

"-ya know," Rainbow whistled, "from this angle, damn, Rarity, you got a nice plot."

"-thank you, Dash, but I don't seduce everypony I come into contact with."

Fluttershy wrapped a wing gently around Rarity's. "Rarity, yes you do. If you can flirt with a pony, or... object, to get them to help you, you do."

Rarity dragged a forehoof firmly across her muzzle, shaking her snout as another painful sigh escaped from her mouth. "Pinkie, give me the pot," she hissed. "And can you all bloody sod off for about five minutes? I need a drink, or six.”

"I like drinking," Pinkie Pie nodded, bouncing up and down. She handed the warm rod to Rarity's, swishing her wiggling pink tail like a pet dog. "Can we go inside misters? We can't drink out here-"

"-don't, make, a joke," Dash growled.

Pinkie snorted in amusement. "Wasn't going to!"

Fluttershy looked up at the bouncers, stroking Rarity's side affectionately with her wing. She eyed her friend taking gentle puffs from the silver cylinder. "She's just tired from working too hard, not drinking enough liquids, and she's really needing a good mating."

She blushed, scoffing at the ground. "I know we're a bit... umm... different, but I think all of us could use all of that, when I think about it."

"I need some more vespene gas," Applejack chuckled, hiccuping afterwards. "Or to release some."

Pinkie's eyes twitched rapidly at Applejack's words, the black guard shaking his head from side to side. "You six look mostly harmless." Pinkie snorted loudly, prompting everypony around her to glance at her.

The colt to raise an eyebrow. "And legal enough, but Luna's landing you mares are bucked up and you aren't even drunk yet."

"Just don't cause any trouble, ladies." A baritone, obese pegasus looked over the Elements slowly. His massive frame and burgundy coat didn't hide the strength hidden underneath his fat. "You might be cute, but there's what happens in there, and what doesn't happen in there. Don't do what doesn't happen in there."

"That sentence doesn't make any sense." Twilight Sparkle groaned to life, shaking herself off as if she had been soaked in water. "I think I just got a mild concussion. Slight memory loss, fatigue. That's what happens when I smoke too much and don't drink enough; I hit my head and well, injuries!" She stumbled once more on her own legs, catching herself. "Thanks, Pinkie. I'm kind of klutzy."

Rarity continued to pull on the vaporizer, trying to bring herself back into the world of peace she knew only an hour ago, and again a few hours before that. "Relax, Rarity, and all will be-"

"What we have here, is a prime example of an annoyed Rarity in the wild," Pinkie said thickly. Her Oatstralian accent was pitch perfect. "Look at the way her smooth coat is standing up on edge." The earth mare groomed and stroked Rarity's sides firmly.

Rainbow Dash could not keep herself from joining in, scratching at Rarity's sides. "Fascinating," she said, her own Trotdon imitation spot on. "Now normally Rarities grind their' teeth or grit them when annoyed. Our current specimen is sedated to prevent a possible injury to the audience."

Applejack and the injury stoned Twilight had fallen over in hysterics, leaving panic to fill Fluttershy's muzzle. Soon too, Pinkie and Rainbow had fallen onto their backs, kicking their hind legs as tears poured steadily from their crying eyes.

Rarity simply stood there, her eyes staring off into the distance while she suckled on her magical grass. "I will have my revenge one day," she whispered, glancing at the bodyguards blinking at the squealing mares. "It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next month, but it will happen. They will feel my wrath. But for now... I just need to get drunk, and have a shag... with...  Rainbow... Dash."

She shook her head gently, rubbing her eyes with a forehoof. She did her best to think of words to insult Destiny and what it had dragged her into. She came up blank.

Tonight was going to be long, and by Nathan Fillyion's voice, she was going to get off several times by the end of it. All of them were.

Chapter Sixteen: The Ethanol Equine Effect

Chapter Sixteen: Climax Jump!

Alcohol and food seemed to consistently be the solution to the six mares problems. It was a frightful precedent for them to be setting, but it would most likely not be the panacea for their future woes. Hopefully. For the moment and the second time that day, it solved everything.

Hopefully. It was very unlikely.

The VIP section of the club was at the top of the cavern, its windows carved into the walls to show the Undercity behind them, the club underneath them, and the night sky in front of them. Relaxing on couches, pillows, chairs and sofas, ponies enjoyed all sorts of debauchery to their’ hearts content. The Elements felt reborn by ethanol, food, rest, and most importantly, more laughter of both their own hearts and the fellow equines around them. A crowd could do that sort of thing. The mares could not deny the merging highs of fatigue, THC, ethanol and food swirling together were beginning to take there toll, for better or worse. If they were all surveyed about it, it would be for the better. Hopefully.

"So I think the lesson of the day is that we should never mix sexual ethics, alcohol, and cannabis together." Twilight Sparkle had voraciously consumed four plates of sweet potatoes and was on her second glass of water and second mug of pale ale. "In fact, maybe we should... keep it to one thing at a time. I have a feeling that the vibrating in my head is going to be atomic tomorrow, and I hope that's going to not be a repeat lesson."

She looked around at her friends, all of them full at having sedated their ravenous marijuana munches. They had all collectively forgotten the wonderful concept known as food during the last several hours. Food was good. Resting on pillows with their best friends with food and alcohol was even better.

Pinkie Pie peeked over to Twilight, a forehoof resting idly in Applejack's mane. The two earth mares laid together in sedation, Applejack using Pinkie's stomach as a pillow. "Twilight, you know that clop and beer go together like cheese and chocolate. You don't think they'll mix, but they do!"

"Fine," Twilight said dejectedly, blowing out a jet of air from her muzzle. "Let's just not get high at the same time? I think Applejack can back me up on this one."

Applejack eyed her 'date' then the empty plates around her. Applejack - like Rainbow - worked hard in her trade, and could consume titanic amounts of food if she wished and sometimes needed to. The slice of cheesecake, and pecan pie, and cup of Prench onion soup, plate of house fries, a whole veggie pizza, three spinach salads, a shot of bourbon, half a gallon of milk and two bowls of tomato soup - in no proper order of consumption - was a testament to that. "I think I will never smoke again," she tiredly hiccuped, green and red dueling it out in her eyes.

She stared down at the warm cup of coffee in front of her, instinct taking over her stomachs ability to handle more liquid. She grabbed hold of the mug, consuming the whole cup without taking a single break or pause, putting it down with a deep, content sigh. It was followed by a belch of a proportion that made Pinkie Pie jealous. “Oh Grant’s gonads did I need ta let that out of me. Now I feel like I'm kinda alive. I missed you, brain.”

If it wasn’t for the hot squid in front of Rainbow - in addition to the still being eaten alfredo, grain bread and olive oil - she would have fallen out of her plush couch. Instead, she squealed in laughter, clopping her forehooves together as incoherent sounds of praise escaped from her mouth. Pinkie Pie wasn't far behind her.

“I’m glad to see we have returned to the relative levels of stupidity of... well most of the day.” Rarity chuckled, sipping on her Haysinki vodka. "I have to say, that I think adding the wonderful invention known as food to the equation was a brilliant idea. Again." She scratched at her chest, currently indifferent to how her more composed self would of fainted at the action. "Now... is it just me, or do we... seem to forget to eat when we get stoned? I thought that was an expected outcome.

"I thought we've talked about before how things never turn out as planned around us," Twilight said, letting out a soft groan. "Like... me forgetting to calorie count."

Rainbow Dash massaged her temples to the point Twilight scowled at her. Twilight wasn't a fan of having her own famous gestures being taken from her. "For bucks sake, Twi', I'm gonna kill you if you keep up bringing up your weight. As the mare here with sixteen percent body fat, I can tell you, I don't calorie count either."

"I guess you just, 'wing it', Rainbow?" Applejack chuckled in amusement.

Five mares turned their eyes toward Applejack. They said nothing.

"I must admit," Rarity continued, letting out a quiet hum to break the silence, "it felt grand for me to eat those two peanut butter ice cream sundaes. Oh I feel so... naughty!” She wiggled her pearl rump into her collection of pillows, tittering to herself. "I forgot how much I love peanut butter."

Pinkie Pie sat up, patting Applejack idly on the head like the good orange pet she was. Applejack simply mumbled tiredly and accepted her fate. Again. "Besides, one does not simply, expect us to do the expected. We’re like, guerrilla fighters!”

Five pairs of eyes injected rage into Pinkie's blue eyes with their sharp glances toward the pink mare, causing her to twitch at her slip of the tongue. “I-I-I mean like, uhh... stunt fliers, like Dashie! You never know what killer move she’ll do next!”

Twilight blinked at Pinkie's stuttering, idly massaging the hop particles inside of her drink with her magic. She clicked her tongue together to fill the silence. “So, what do we do now?”

Fluttershy took a deep drought of her raspberry flavored mead. “Well, we can’t dance yet, unless we want to be sick to our stomachs. We could always pick up on where we left off in Truth or Dare.”

“Bad idea,” Rainbow said, rolling onto her back with a soft groan. She looked at her friends upside down. “I think if we’re doing anything related to that, it should just be, well, truth. I think we've all been kinda gaping anuses to each other today. Time to be, well, nice, yeah?”

Twilight leaned forward, taking a sip of her pale ale. “Did... Rainbow Dash just say we should be... nice? I thought she only says that when we’re about to have an emotional breakdown, or almost die.”

“Hey, I got mood swings sometimes, and a soft side.” Dash rested her forehooves on her thighs, sticking out her tongue. “Come on, you know I welcome foals and new ponies to Ponyville just fine; it’s just a shield for my self-esteem. She’s fragile. Can't I be nice around you all for like, five minutes?”

“I never would've guessed your ego could be fragile,” Rarity smirked. “She has a point though. I’ve come clean about what I intended for this night to be. And... well... the plan has fallen apart like anything hit by a certain pegasus-and would you stop fluttering your eyelashes suggestively at me, Rainbow? It’s bloody annoying!”

“Ohh you know you like it,” Dash purred softly, rubbing her lean, toned core. “Just-”

“Stop it!” Rarity pouted, eying the gentle smiles spreading across her friends muzzles. “That... that isn’t funny!”

“I think it is,” Rainbow winked. “And they do too. You should look at yourself when you stick out your lips and blush. It’s really freakin’ cute.”

“I think there should be a rule that we all are cute when we want to be,” Fluttershy hummed, leaning into Twilight idly.

“Guidance counselor Fluttershy to the rescue,” Pinkie nodded, slamming down a strawberry gin cocktail with frightful speed. Sadly, the multi-verse had blessed many gifts on the pink mare. The ability to consume more alcohol than her biological body could take was not one of them. She had to follow some rules of reality. “Whew!” She shook her snout rapidly, letting out a torrent of nickers and snorts as her friends watched in both slight fear and chuckling interest. “Jeez peas cock tease, I needed that! Oww, my throat!" Pinkie coughed, her voice wispy as her forehooves began to massage her neck. "It’s sweet and hot. Lesson learned. Not doing that again.”

Applejack couldn't help but smile up at the pink mare. “Ya mean just like yerself, gumdrop?”

It only made the choking of Pinkie's vocal chords worse, causing her to sputter out a torrent of gibberish as her cheeks quickly became a solid, thick red. The other five Elements broke out into into a flood of laughs at watching Pinkie's already bright cheeks go brighter.

“This is why we are all friends,” Twilight cracked, covering her mouth to repress both a minor hiccup and a waterfall of giggles from escaping from the end of her muzzle. She didn’t quite succeed at the last task, rolling against Fluttershy for support.

Fluttershy sighed happily “You mean to get tipsy-”

“-smashed,” Rainbow added.

“-smashed, ditsy, fight, tease each other, and make us all look mean, horrible, lustful, and... umm... insane?” Fluttershy scooped up her stein with a wing and took a firm chug of her drink, putting down the empty mug. “I can live with that. That’s real friendship! I like getting drunk with you all; it better than doing it alone."

“Fluttershy! That’s only like, a third of it!” Twilight sat up on her rump, forehooves pressed resolutely into the floor. “Because we know that despite being so different, and coming from so many walks of life, we love and respect each other, even when we sound like we don’t. That's what the last few years have taught me, and what friendship with you all has taught me.”

Rainbow Dash laid on her side, raising an eyebrow at Twilight. “Sometimes I think-”

“Shut the hay up, Dash," Twilight snapped. Her friends winced collectively.

She coughed, composing herself. "I’m telling an aesop because we all need it, despite the chances of us remembering it hung over and light headed from cannabis being near zero." Her purple eyes glowed brightly as she looked over her peers. "So you’ll listen, damn it. All of you.” Twilight grinned contently. "Besides, it makes me feel good, I'm the leader, and you all owe me.”

“Yes ma’am,” her friends said in defeat, their ears folding in unison.

Twilight stood up, trotting slowly around her friends. “We’ve all grown together as friends, sisters even. Despite all the trials and tribulations we’ve been through, in the end, we are there for each other. Even when we try to control each other’s sex lives. Or... lives in general. So I think the lesson we learned together today is that drinking is a part of life I thank you all for getting me into, and while I’m pretty sure bucking will wait for when I’m more coherent once the alcohol settles, what I’ve seen is that... well... maybe friendship with benefits is possible.If we do it responsibly. We all love each other. Most of the time. What’s a step further going to do at this point? Maybe we should try it, see what happens."

"What could possibly be worse than what happened already?” She sat back down in her pillow, resting her tail over Fluttershy's side. "Well, other than us hating each other, secretly planning on killing each other, or other extreme scenarios I'm too drunk or full to care about."

“Well,” Pinkie began, stroking her chin, “it’s made Applejack and Rarity swear to mud wrestle in the future, and we all know how those go."

"Awesomely," Dash grinned.

"Awesomely indeed," Pinkie grinned back. "It’s made us secretly plan the clopping plans for tonight; and it also made us get drunk, half want to kill each other, force Rarity to spend her life savings, and most likely made us all wonder where our innocence went! I have no idea! It was there a few months ago. Or maybe that was three years ago. I don’t know!”

“Thank you for reminding me about my bills, Pinkie.” Rarity stared tiredly at her two shots of vodka. Her past drinks just weren't important. Did she even remember? She didn't even feel that tipsy.

Rarity scoffed at her pillows, swallowing down a mixed aftertaste of peanut butter and alcohol. It was quite lovely, really. “But I think with how much of my bank account I’ve already lost to a night gone to Tartarus, I deserve a break once with the mud wrestling, no? And the insanity of you all today. And don’t forget the possibility I might have to find a complete stranger to use for a night. Not a fan of one night stands.”

“You Pinkie Promised about the wrestling.” Pinkie's sky blue eyes gazed firmly into the crystal orbs of Rarity's. Her tone was as flat as stale water.

“I did not!” Rarity shot back, her tail smacking onto the cushion she rested on. "What prosperous notion made you think that, Pinkie?"

“You mentally did,” Pinkie whispered. She leaned forward. “That, still, counts.”

“No it-”

Demonic resonance filled Pinkie's voice, and the napalm in her eyes quickly replaced her natural color. “Iam the judge of the Pinkie Promise, and avatar of Loki’s will. And if I say it counts, it, counts!”As quickly as the anger blew over, it melted away, leaving a tipsy, giggling, Applejack petting Pinkie Pie.

The other Elements simply accepted what had happened once Pinkie's voice calmed. It was for the best. “I... I’m a hundred and twenty percent sure that Loki’s a Pegasi’ god,” Rainbow said, chuckling shyly at Pinkie. “N-n-not that I’m gonna do anything to throw a lightning bolt at mud wrestling fun.”

“He is!” Pinkie squeaked, burping afterwards. “I was a pegasus in my last life, and he wanted me to use this opportunity to counter Discord and Celestia. He didn’t get that chance last time, so it’s his time to shine! Or just be silly. He hasn't quite decided yet.” She shrugged. "We'll figure it out eventually."

Twilight Sparkle had lost her moral message as soon as it was given. Or more accurately, her friends had decayed into their natural, drunk, faintly stoned, needy selves as soon as she was done. A faint, shimmering disk of magic appeared in front of her muzzle. Without delay, she began to tap her snout on the raspberry shield. Again, and again.

“Okay," she sighed, thudding her snout onto the shield with a bit more force. The swirling highs in her head were fascinating to study. She didn't remember any of it. "Friendship with benefits is a horrible idea. Or maybe drinking is, or today is, or everything is.”

“But I have a feelin’ we’re gonna say screw it and do it all anyway,” Applejack giggled, unashamed of the sound coming out of her muzzle. “We’redamn good at improvisin’ an bullshittin’. Hay, what we all do for a livin’ is half wingin’ it.”

Rainbow nodded in agreement, cracking her back with a content mumble. "Can't always tell a cloud where to go. Pinkie makes up stuff randomly, you sometimes improvise on what you'll grow, AJ, Fluttershy's animals are something different everyday, and Twilight can pretty much do what she wants but doesn't."

"Not to mention that Rarity's dress makin' is wingin' it by design," Applejack said, nodding her head respectively toward Rarity. "I don't know how ya do it. I wish I could wing it like that."

Both Pinkie Pie and Dash snorted in the back of their throats at Applejack's word choice. Rarity decided at that sentence and those sounds coming from her friends to slam down both shots of her vodka with a hidden practice that made the rest of her friends look at her.

Dash was the first to respond, sitting herself up. "Speaking of... that, where in the hay did you learn to be so good at holding your liquor, Rarity? I mean, I’ve seen you at parties and man, you punch way above your weight. I just hope you aren’t an alcoholic or somethin’."

"Sometimes, it is best to keep those secrets hidden,” Rarity sighed, laying down on her side. “In case my talents are needed for... emergencies. This would be one of them."

"Like your... edible boots spell?" Twilight asked.

“Or trying to understand me and watching how completely futile that is!” Pinkie chittered, rubbing Applejack’s muscled stomach.

“Or dealin’ with me flirting with you and you tasting your own medicine,” Rainbow winked. "Man, Twilight, this is fun, teasing Rarity."

"Exactly,” Rarity said. “One must be prepared for the worst after all, and I am glad my intellectual equal would agree, however overboard she may go in being prepared, just like myself.”

Twilight mumbled, snorting at Rarity. “Uh-huh, keep telling yourself that you’re my intellectual equal.”

Fluttershy began to stroke down Twilight's violet back. “Twilight," she said, whispering sweetly into Twilight's ear, "this isn’t a moment for your sarcasm, because unlike Rainbow’s it can really hurt ponies. However, sometimes, the truth can hurt, Rarity.”

“Thank you, Fluttershy, for making me feel just stellar about myself,” Rarity gritted between her teeth. She looked around for another alcoholic beverage to drink. There was none.

“You’re welcome, you gorgeous ball of marshmellow awesomeness,” Fluttershy hummed obviously. “Now, how about we all start sharing bedtime secrets? That's something we can do, now that we're drunk enough. I’ll start! I learned from Mr. Beaver that-”

“-and thank you, Applejack,” Rarity growled, “for saying that tailoring and designing fashion is just, ‘winging it’. I’m glad my fellow businessmare doesn’t understand the creativity of my field.”

“I never said that," Applejack said. "Well, in a kinda, creative way, somethin’. I’m not smart right now! Ya know I didn’t mean to insult ya!”

“Or ever smart,” Rarity huffed. “And so in punishment, I will not give you self-pleasure advice ever again.” Rarity exhaled loudly from the depths of her lungs. “And that is relatively mild, considering I have the urge to scream, black out, or talk about LGBT fashion in the most culturally cliche manner possible." She waved a forehoof around gaily, tittering to herself. "You know, most things ponies in my 'winging it' field do, and something Rainbow would know nothing about."

She smiled darkly. "Or would she?”

There were only a few triggers that set off Rainbow Dash to do a real flank kicking to a ponies' plot. They could insult her fetishes, as embarrassing as they could be; her plothole, as she could be one herself; her fetishism like obsession with the Wonderbolts. They could make her blush, take their' anger out on her to vent, and even call her out for being an idiot. They could even call her slutty with how sexual openness she could be. In the end, she laughed it off over time, taking what she dished out.

Telling the openly tomgirl, openly flirty, LGBT pride of Equestria she was a hidden lipstick lesbian was a line a pony did not cross. There was her being accepting in her moderately butch personality, and then there was saying she wanted to be on Project Manehatthan Runway.

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Rainbow snapped. She bolted up onto her hooves, her posture feral and feline, wings spread like bladed fans. "What did I do to you tonight? I’m tryin’ to be kinda nice here, and you just... wow. Way to cross the line three times. I... wow. I can see why sex with you is a ‘Rarity’ to begin with.”

Twilight Sparkle contemplated taking over the situation as she normally would have. Or more accurately, the side of her that normally contemplated taking over the situation had been banished to the recesses of her mind, thanks to the food and newly awoken, crotch driven side of her personality. A few threats that borderlined on war crimes didn't hurt in silencing her rational side either.

Instead, she looked at her other friends, watching another debacle unfold. Fluttershy clearly had given up at trying to calm her friends down, realizing at last that not even her Stare could override two estrogen powered equines from tearing each other apart. Instead, she simply watched, and it almost seemed like she was getting a hidden enjoyment out of it. Pinkie was sadistically enjoying the fun openly by the interest in her eyes, while Applejack scratched at her thigh fur, zoned out and mildly concerned all at once.

"I beg your pardon?" Rarity whispered, pulling herself up onto her hooves slowly. She took a step forward, tilting her muzzle to the side curiously. “Did I hurt the technicolor tramps feelings? Pinch a nerve? Interrupt your fantasies of being a model for me?"

Rainbow snorted off the insult, ejecting a hiss of air from her nose. “I didn't do anything to make you pissed tonight. Didn't know you were an angry drunk, Rares." She shrugged. "But hey, I guess you need weed to wash the noble cock taste out of your mouth though, huh? Jealous I could get twenty ponies on me right now if I wanted? Sucks you’re so dry between the legs."

Rarity broke out into a violent laugh, her faintly curled mane bouncing as she shook her head dismissively. “I see our local cerulean cum dump is once again the ‘Prismatic Prostitute of Ponyville’ once again. Kudos to you,” she purred.

"So... you're mad that I'm flirting with you, because nopony else will, and I'm out of your league?" Rainbow winced. "Ohh... that's harsh, even for me. True, but kinda harsh."

Pinkie whistled loudly. "Hide your foals, hide your marefriend, and hide your coltfriend, cause-"

"Sod off, Pinkie," Rarity neighed, "I'm talking to the mare who is about to become my bitch."

"Nothing to do here!" Pinkie said, chewing on Applejack’s mane.

Applejack pushed her off of Pinkie Pie, pulling herself up onto her hooves. "Now you two listen here, I-"

Rarity threw back her hair with a huff of steam ejecting from her nose, her face flushed with heat. The crackling warmth of alcohol and blood across her anger splayed snout twitched. "You've trotted with the wrong mare too far this time, Rainbow, Lightning, Dash. And thelast thing you want is me, tipsy, wanting to destroy your ego until nothing is left but a wallowing, broken corpse of a mare who learns what happens when you push me too bloody far."

"Enough, Rarity." Applejack pressed a forehoof onto the unicorn's side, gently rubbing through her coat. "Maybe you've had a bit too much to drink. You just need to calm your hindquarters ‘n-"

"No butts," Rarity spat, "other than Rainbow's getting a reminder of what magic can pleasantly do to a rectum. I'm sure she'd enjoy every bit of the stimulation of my horn rammed up her arse. I'll even give it a twist, if she likes it extra painful.”

"You know, I really should try to stop this," Twilight pondered, turning her muzzle toward Fluttershy. "But I think I've just lost my ability to care about my friends possibly killing each other and ruining their friendships."

"It's okay, Twilight." Fluttershy nuzzled her cheek affectionately into Twilight's. "Celestia doesn't need to know about it, and remember what I said about angry sex? Just watch."

"And if... that doesn't doesn't happen?" Twilight giggled quietly at the affection, returning it in kind. "And it is kind of fun to watch this. I guess three years of morals have just gone out the window tonight."

Pinkie Pie laid herself casually over Twilight and Fluttershy. "Ehh, it happens every month or two around us. We get back to normal after you write a letter."

"Then Equestria is going to die a slow and very painful death from some evil monster," Fluttershy said. "Or since they both trust me, I can spike their tea, and we can have our way with them."

Twilight smiled like she had never smiled before, wrapping a forehoof around Fluttershy's. "I like how you think, Fluttershy."

"Mare please," Pinkie whinnied, "I got enough toys to make them ever regret even living!"

With a wild laugh, Rainbow stumbled to keep herself balanced. The exchange had begun to catch the attention of nearby ponies, and her haughty cackles drew even more attention to the two Elements. “My flank? Comin’ from the perfume wearing pucker sucker herself? If it’s the wrinkly balls of old stallions with money who’ll buy your dresses and smell your pus’, it’s you."

Rainbow turned around, hiking up her tail as high as she could, giving her toned rump a shake. "Come on, stare at the mare who gets some, instead of having to sniff her own underwear to smell sex. Twilight doesn’t need to get laid, you do. Guess your ego can't handle that old colts can't get a stiff one looking at you. Their' grandmas can buck better than you can.”

Rarity screamed like a Cerberus out of Tartarus. She spun Rainbow around violently, digging her forehooves into the front of Dash's coat. "Get that bucking smirk off your face before I blow it off, you blue bicycle."

"Rarity, Rainbow, that's enough!" Applejack shoved herself between her two friends. Thick, vile growls echoed from Rainbow's and Rarity's muzzles. “We’ve done stupid buckin’ things tonight, but you two are bein’ so flat out stupid I can’t even think of a word for it! Disgustin’ I think fits.”

“It’s okay, AJ,” Rainbow said, blowing out a huff of air from her nose. “Rarity’s just being an alabaster asshole sniffer. She's just admitting it for once.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow out of perked interest, flicking an ear at her friend's words. "Ala... baster? When did youever learn a word that big and formal?"

"When your dad showed you what coach cock tasted like,” Rainbow cackled, stomping a forehoof onto the floor.

"Oh so the daughter of a cloud architect certainly wasn't built to order by her father?" Rarity smirked. "Have to taste the rainbow reciprocal before public use, don’t we?"

Dash waved the remark away with her right wing. "Nah, my parents might be swingers, but they don't do that. Your life was built by my dad though. My dad hired yours and his Nayxican porno mustache so he could get his green card."

A furious thunder roared out of Rarity's muzzle as her magic exploded to life with a blinding flare of light. It didn't light up to attack Rainbow Dash, but to blast Applejack away from the two fighting mares, sending Applejack rolling onto the groud. “You dyke," Rarity bellow, "I, will, end you!”

It was not Fluttershy about to give both of her friends a thorough timeout or spanking. It wasn't Applejack about to grab both of them and pin them down. It wasn't Twilight about to put a force field around each of them. Nor was it Rainbow Dash reflexes to simply knock out Rarity in one impact of a wing or hoof that stopped the fight.

It was Rainbow colliding her muzzle into Rarity's with the most passionate kiss that the unicorn had ever felt.

Rarity's eyes turned into dots of shock the moment she felt Rainbow's snout and body collide with her own, chest to chest. She felt Rainbow's thick, fluffy, toned coat grind into her finer one, tickling her skin. That sensation was mild, compared to what was happening to her muzzle.

Rainbow was firmly sucking onto Rarity's tongue, coiling around it and toying with the member with a succulent, twirling dance of teasing fire that left Rarity blank. It was partially barbaric, and yet it had a skill to it that left her breathless. The amount of heart, soul, and seductive pull it had broke her like no novel nor lover had ever done.

All the anger inside of her vanished in a heartbeat. The tension in her shoulders melted and without even thinking, her forehooves wrapped around the shoulders of her friend as she lost her spirit into the kiss.

Best friend? Yes. Despite all the teasing, Rainbow would sever her wings to make sure Rarity was unharmed. Despite her insecurity, Dash would merciless fight anyone who would touch Rarity in a manner the unicorn would not want. Despite all the sarcasm, vulgarities, insults and banter... they were friends, and it was damn fun. They bounced oddly well off of each other. And as much as the pegasus made her stress levels shoot up, she also made them fall down like misty rain, letting her laugh off her troubles.

Here was Rainbow Dash, half raping her mouth with a saliva covered tongue deciding to tap dance over her own with a precision that left Rarity speechless. Having a tongue in your muzzle would do that.

Damning the less fun side of her personality, the morality of it all, the former exchange of brutal and deadly words, Rarity's former thoughts on the cyan mare, and the crowd that had gathered around the two Elements, Rarity kissed back.

"Well that escalated quickly!” Pinkie squealed, leaping away from Twilight and Fluttershy to get herself a front row seat. “Everypony’s makin’ out with everypony! I like! Five bits on Rainbow Dash!”

Applejack looked around at the small crowd of ponies watching what she and Rainbow had done at the spa look like a children’s cartoon nose kiss. Her emerald eyes glanced between the mumbling, gawking, cheering crowd that watched the two Elements dig into each other's teeth.

She struggled to find words again. Her face scrunched up as language just didn't seem fond of coming to her. “I... I... oh to hay with it, I don’t give a crap anymore! Three on Rarity. She's mad and-there you go, look at her massage Rainbow's wings!"

"Woah-oww!" Pinkie cried, grabbing her face. Blue wings had sprung off of Dash's back like a piston slamming down the bore of a engine. Tears dripped down from Pinkie's hit face. "My eye! Dash's wing hit myeye! Damndiddy damn damn that's not replaceable, Rainbow! Why are things hitting that today? It’s not fair." Pinkie whimpered, burying her head into Applejack's coat.

Twilight blinked in confusion. She wasn’t sure if she was awake, or dead. Most likely, it was a mix of the two. "So let me get this straight," she began, taking a sip of her pale ale. "Rainbow and Rarity have been insulting each other all night, and now they are... making out? I'm not even shocked anymore."

Fluttershy clopped her forehooves together in delight. "It's adorable and wonderful! I told you, Twilight. As long as they don't have angry sex or kill each other. Don't worry girls, I'll make sure they get along." Fluttershy looked at Twilight, giggling to herself. “Wait, no, we do want them to have angry sex, because that means they’ll get it all out of their systems, and everything will be alright.”

"Shouldn't you be more concerned than any of us since you’re closest to both of them?" Twilight asked. "I mean, they both go to you for secrets they don't tell any of us."

"Oh I am, but that'svery depressing, and it’s your job to worry about things, Twilight," Fluttershy said calmly.

"Fluttershy! Don't fuel my paranoia!" Twilight huffed, gulping on her beer a bit too swiftly for her own good. Choking on alcohol was not a way she wanted to die. Although currently, it didn’t sound like too bad of an idea.

"There, there, Twilight," Fluttershy said, grabbing her friend with a wing. She stroked through Twilight's mane affectionately. "Rarity and Rainbow just need a nice, long, musky mating session. They'll both be just fine afterwards. I... think."

"They're our best friends!" Twilight retaliated. “This... both of them, anger, issues, sex, drinking, today, logic, life, thoughts, I don’t even, gah!”

Rainbow's and Rarity's loud kissing had made the crowd around the Elements forgot the almost death battle that had erupted between the two saliva sharing mares. Saliva sharing was putting it mildly at this point, and heavy petting was skirting around being an understatement. Rarity had long since begun to massage the base of Dash's wings tightly with her trimmed forehooves, tugging on Rainbow's unleashed mane with her magic. Rainbow had given up all pretenses of whatever shame she had left and groped Rarity's sides, her snout moving with Rarity's around the kiss. Time didn't seem to apply to either of them.

For all of her own cheering, Pinkie Pie stopped, blinking rapidly at the slurping and huffing couple. "You know... I can pull some crazy things," Pinkie began, nursing her black eye, "but not breathing and choking on water for three minutes isn't one of them. This is just gettingridiculous!"

"The moment they stop, I have a spell ready to knock them out, in case they try to rip out each others pancreases." Twilight sighed quietly, adding another reason to the list of why she was gaining weight.

“I think they’re injurin’ their tongues more than their organs," Applejack chuckled. "And I didn’t know you could cast under the influence."

Twilight smiled slyly at the orange mare. “I’ve done it before, just not this drunk,” she laughed. “What’s the worst that can happen? My horn turns into a dildo? Well, it already kind of is one!”

Applejack shook her head from side to side, unable to keep her own grin from spreading across her muzzle. “Say, Twi’?”

The unicorn flicked an ear. “Uhh... yes, Applejack?”

“I hate to be this blunt, and ya never hear that comin’ from me, but, well... aww shoot, I’m freakin’ stutterin’ on my own words.”

“So I’ll do it for you, AJ!” Pinkie grabbed both of her friends, pressing their two coats together. “I’m kinda drunk right now, and I’m most likely gonna totally pass out in about an hour, and you girls should too.”

“Pinkie,” Applejack hissed, “Shut yer-”

“-so what Jackie is tryin’ to say, is that this night has been completely and utterly buck sucked clucked up a duckie’s yucky puck muck. In Equish, she’s saying she wants to sleep with you, but thinks that tonight would be horrible for that, but if you want to cuddle and do things, she’s totally cool with that.”

"But I was trying to flirt with her!" Fluttershy whined. "What about me? I just got the confidence and... that isn't fair." Her ears wilted by the side of her muzzle, her submissive side coming back as soon as they had been repressed. "Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I don't have feelings."

Dragging her forehoof across her own snout, Applejack let out a deep, thick, grunt. Her muzzle was a sheet of red that matched the cutie mark on her flank. “I’m so glad I only punch RD. And Big Mac.”

“Applejack,” Twilight whispered, scoffing at the floor shyly. “I... I shouldn't be saying this, and I feel like we’re the only sane ponies left, and you've said some pretty stupid things tonight, but not quite as stupid as everypony else. And... I'm kind of drunk and stupidly needy, and I've always felt like you're the only sane one of us. This is kind of cliche, but I’d-”

“Woah woah woah, back, that, plot, up.” Pinkie Pie blew out a plume of air from the end of her snout, cerulean eyes staring into Applejack's eyes. “Are you saying I can’t take a hit, Jackie?”

“I never said that,” Applejack replied, “but if I really decked you? No, Pinkers. You’d be out cold.”

“Oh yeah!? Bring it!” Pinkie prodded her friend in the chest. “Come on! Give me a hit! I’ve been hit by many things. Like my dad’s belt, and pans, and chairs. You can’t hurt me.”

“Pinkie,” Twilight whimpered. “Please stop. The stupidity of my friends today is too damn-”

“I told you no memes without my approval, Twi’ Twi’!” Pinkie shot back. “This fight is between me and the cousin cuddler!”

“If yer tryin’ to be RD, yer gonna fail, and yer gonna fail hard.” Applejack reached forward to ruffle through Pinkie’s mane affectionately. “I just couldn’t hit ya, Pinkie, unless you really went psycho on me. I just don’t see that in yer eyes.”

Pinkie Pie pouted loudly. “O-o-o-oh yeah!? Well... uhh... you smell!”

“I’m mighty proud of my natural scent,” AJ rumbled, scoffing at her chest. "Natural and proud."

“And I think you smell pleasant too,” Twilight replied sweetly, feeling her cheeks glow.

Pinkie sneered. “Well your mom-”

Applejack’s forehoof decked Pinkie Pie in the cheek very much like Rarity’s did earlier that day with Fluttershy. Except, the hoof was fully pressed into Pinkie's cheek, swung at a tilted angle, and made a sickening crunch on impact. In other words, it was completely unlike the slap Rarity gave to Fluttershy. The result, was Pinkie Pie slamming into the formerly alcohol drinking and depressed Fluttershy, sending both of the mares tumbling into a stack of pillows.

“Ya know, I’m not even mad,” Applejack said, closing her eyes in a happy expression. “I just think that was three years of all of our twitchin' at her antics in one punch. Besides, she'll be alright, and she'll forgive me for it. 'Sides, you don't insult Mama."

She looked down to see Twilight gently pressing her muzzle into her neck, unable to keep a soft, content smile from spreading over her snout. "Now, Twi', you aren't allowed to be adorable. You just got that cute nerdy thing going on, and it can break hearts, girl."

"Oh shut up, Applejack." Twilight looked up at her with a snorting laugh, bumping her horn into her friend's neck. "I'm just trying to wonder if I want to try a time travel spell again, take you home, blow this place up, or kiss you. Or maybe just wipe my mind."

Slowly, Applejack lifted up her friend's chin, pressing her nose into Twilight's. "Why can't ya do all five at once in a different order? Hay, maybe I'll... oh damn it-we need to fix all of this in the next week-oh to hay-"

"I just made out with Rainbow Dash and all I can taste is her!"

"Ahh fuck it, she's awake," Applejack spat. "Way to ruin the magic, Rarity."

"So!?" Rainbow yelled, the entire front of Rarity's and her own snout were drenched in spittle. "Do you have any idea how incredible that was? Celestia's mother you're the best kisser I've ever had! Look at me! I'm soaked and I'm drooling and-"

"I don't care how delightfully decadent your groin and mouth is because the whole concept of being with you is repulsive!" Rarity shoved Rainbow off of her to the disappointment of the crowd. It was being perked up by the completely berserk make out session of Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy sloppily pulling on each other's muzzles. It took only a second for Rarity to notice her two friends gargling on each other. Despite her own muzzle being covered in Dash's saliva, the disgust on her face only grew worse. "Oh for Luna's lactations can we all-"

"Are you kidding me?" Rainbow pulled herself back up onto her hooves, letting out a happy laugh. "Your crotch was soaking mine! You can't say you're grossed out by any of this." She turned her muzzle to watch her two friends making out, letting out a soft whistle. "And that's why I dated both of them."

Scoffing off her coat with a brush of her forehooves, Rarity blew out a vibrating nicker of stress from her soul. "I'm done," she said flatly. "We're done, Dash. There is only one, proper, way to solve this. I love you, darling. I hate you oh so much, darling, but there is one way to settle this score tonight. And I'm going to win, and you will will accept it, and everypony in Canterlot and Equestria will know it. It will redeem everything that has gone wrong. Everything."

"No, Rarity!" Pinkie screamed, spit exploding from her snout to drench Fluttershy's face. "You can't! Please! I beg you!"

"Shut up, Pinkie Pie!" Rarity shouted, stomping a forehoof onto the floor, "it's the only universally agreed upon way this dispute can be solved between Rainbow and I."

"This is madness!" Pinkie cried, tears pouring down her cheeks. She flew over to hug Rarity tightly, sobbing into her coat. "It's not fashionable anymore, Rares! And she's... she's... Dashie's county champion! Just because you're runner up-"

"I, said, shut, up, Pinkie Pie!"

"I'll shut her up," Fluttershy growled seductively, yanking Pinkie back on top of her and into a prehistoric kiss.

Silence covered the four standing Elements. They ignored the mob of ponies that had encircled them. It was broken only by the sudden realization from Rainbow Dash, who broke out into the haughtiest, loudest laugh she had ever done in her entire life. "Holy, crap! You are serious aren't you!? You wanna get your plot kicked in public? Here? With this many ponies looking on?"

Rarity stepped forward, pressing her muzzle firmly into Dash's, connecting their saliva dripping snouts once again. "Oh my wondrous Rainbow," Rarity purred, "it is you who will be my slave in defeat. I know you'll accept, won't you?"

Dash tittered in excitement. "How can't I accept destroying you half drunk? Hay, this'll undrunk me, even if that's completely not possible."

"I can't let you do this!" Twilight shoved herself between her two friends. Her eyes darted between them in panic. "The heat exhaustion. Alcohol. Shame. Everything! It'll be a disaster! A horrible, horrible disaster! Worse than even the parasprites!"

Applejack was the last to compute the magnitude of what was to come. She instantly grabbed Twilight protectively, sweat pouring down her face. "N-n-no! I love ya girls, but you can't-"

"Yes!" Rarity bellowed, "I, Rarity Gemma, challenge you, Rainbow Lightning Dash, to Dance, Dance, Revolution."

Chapter Seventeen: Emergency Erotic Exits

Chapter Seventeen: Dramatic Exits

Invictus had seen many things in its long and active life. It remembered Jazz; it was there for Rock ‘n Roll; it was at the center of Disco, and now was the host of Trance and whatever current slammings were considered music in this day and age. It had seen D.D.R contests and even drunken ones; and it had even seen contests with mares duking it out for sexual fun at the end of the night. What it hadn't seen, was Rarity and Rainbow Dash. It was hard for someone to forget either of them, let alone both of them together. They had that aura of uniqueness around them, otherwise known as ‘oh great, it’s her. Prepare for something dramatic'. The two Elements were okay with that.

What had originally been six mares going out for fun had turned out to nearly the entire club gathering to see a tale that would last forever. In addition to the planned dating and almost horrible morning after for the six Ponyville mares. Hundreds of ponies had gathered around the center of the club, arcade games and tables pushed aside to place the dancing machines smack in the middle of the establishment. Alcohol and snacks were being served left and right for the impending storm, and there was nothing wrong with the club using the semi-famous mares for profit, was there?

The stage, ceiling, and dance lights had all been focused on the two pulsating video game platforms that were empty, eagerly waiting for the arrival of their occupants who were refreshing themselves within the limits that a moderate buzz would allow. The crowd eagerly awaited the free entertainment they were about to receive.

A lavender unicorn and tangerine earth mare were pondering on the matter, standing near the stage and preparing for the worst.

Twilight Sparkle leaned on Applejack for support more than affection, although she didn't mind having a bit of the later. She shook her snout gently from side to side, which inadvertently resulted in a half nuzzle. The buzz was killing her clarity. “Celestia is going to find out about all of this. Younger me would say she’s going to say I shouldn’t be her student anymore, but...”

Applejack quickly responded. “Listen, Twi’: you seriously need ta stop bein’ so worried about what she thinks about every life choice you make. She’s kinda busy runnin’ a nation of tens of millions of ponies ‘n other creatures. Hay, I’m sure she pushed you out of Canterlot so ya could experience things. Yer twenty years old now. She’s not in the ceiling watchin’ you clop or somethin’.”

Twilight looked up at Applejack, nuzzling into her neck idly. “First off, Equestria is a constitutional representative diarchy. Luna and Celestia control the armed forces during conflict, have limited veto powers, and are used as centuries old advisers on, well, pretty much anything and everything. Second-oww! Don’t bonk me on the nose, I’m not a dog!”

“Even half drunk, you go overboard on subjects like dynamite to a door jam.” Applejack chuckled, ruffling messily through Twilight's mane. “And well, other than lettin’ you go on or kissin’ you, I can’t think of much else that would stop you from goin’ on about... err... politics. I swear, you got somethin’ else other than OCD up in that head of yours.”

“An incoming hangover and headache at watching two of my best friends about to make idiots of themselves," Twilight mumbled. "Yep. I can feel both. Absolutely positive I can feel both right now."

"And... we didn't do anything stupid ourselves?" Applejack scratched at Twilight's chest gently. "Just cause you and I did the least amount of dumb shit - if I may be Prench - doesn't mean we didn't do any dumb shit."

Twilight looked around at the crowd. A mob was a more accurate word with how many ponies had begun to fill in around them. She was used to this. She was used to being at the center of attention during a moment of crisis. She would never get used to what world altering events she was dragged into, both willingly and unwillingly.

It was reasons like today, why she never left her house.

"So you mean the modus operandi for us?" Twilight said, flicking her tail behind herself. "You know, a standard day for us. I'm used to it, but this might be several orders of magnitude bigger than what we've done before.”

"Ahh hay, don't give me your Neightin crap right now, Twilight." Applejack snorted, rolling her eyes.

"Well I could just start swearing every other sentence like you and Rainbow do when you're drunk." Twilight stroked her chin in contemplation. "Although I have to admit, today has shown me that swearing is... useful, fun, and relieves stress. I should try it more."

Applejack ruffled Twilight's mane roughly, only to receive a thrum of magic messing up Applejack's own free flowing, blond mane in return. "I try to keep it down in public, and do it none around the foals, but us Apples' alone? Girl, us farmers' can churn up a storm."

Twilight nickered out a laugh. "Royal Guards? They swear more than you think. Same with university students. I guess I've just been around the Princess so much that I've been scared to death to say anything. And... well... I like the way I talk." She sighed tiredly, shaking her head into Applejack's stout neck. "But the less I think about tomorrow, the happier I'll be."

She glanced up at Applejack curiously, like a pet dog wondering what her owner was about to do. “Does... sex usually lead to things like this? Or the seeking of sex? I always thought it could be... well... more normal. Sometimes.”

Applejack broke out into a loud cackle, wrapping a forehoof tightly around Twilight's side. “Jeez, girl, you are absolutely adorable when you are curious like that.” Twilight blushed furiously at the compliment. “And usually? Not this much. As ya said, we tend ta go over a barrel half the time, don’t we?” Applejack shrugged. “I’m turnin’ into you: acceptin’ it for the sake of my sanity, and ya might as well have a bit of fun in the process. I... I just hope I’m not gonna turn into Pinks and goin’ out lookin’ for it.”

“But looking is half the fun!” Pinkie Pie squeezed her way between her two friends, letting out a sudden, shivering moan. “Ohhh, I should not do that when I’m buzzed and yiffy, because sliding between you two felt so good. You have a nice coat, Twilight. Curved, clean, and nice. Your coat is a bit rough, Jackie, but it has this, like, wildmare going for it.”

Applejack and Twilight stared at Pinkie Pie, and her ever growing ability to nose herself into just about everything. Pinkie glanced between her two friends. “What?” Pinkie asked. “Awkward? Tell me about it. Wait. Please do!”

Twilight growled quietly at Pinkie. “I was leaning into-ohh! I didn’t know your fur was this squishy, Pinkie.” Twilight rubbed her muzzle deeply into Pinkie's neck and sides. “This feels amazing. You’re like a poodle! You act like one too, but that’s not important right now.” Her horn and snout half ground into Pinkie's frame, little rumbles of content echoing from her mouth. “Mmm. Is this what a horn rubbing stand feels like? I’m getting one now.”

Applejack tapped a forehoof on her own muzzle. “I like how she can switch to another subject with enough proddin’. I like how both of you can do that. I...” She shook her snout. "I don't even..."

“She gets like that around me drunk.” Pinkie chuckled nervously, a shy smile darting across her muzzle “Hey, Applejack?” She was gritting her teeth nervously, cherry quickly forming solid lines across her cheeks. “I never say this, cause I’m the filly of awkwardnessness, but this is kinda awkward. It’s one thing for me to tease like I do, but having Twilight or anypony grind into me is...”

“It’s okay, Pinks.” Applejack stroked through Pinkie's smooth and curled mane softly. “It’s kinda how you make us feel sometimes, but I think the alcohol’s gettin’ to her, and the stress. Just scoot over. I got her tonight.”

“I... I make you all feel like this?” Pinkie pulled herself back from Twilight, Applejack nosing herself in to let the unicorn rub into her coat. She couldn't help but smile listening to the drunken and purring vibrations from Twilight's chest. “Y-y-you all shoulda-”

“Oh wankin' warthogs, don’t tell me you’re a cryin’ drunk, cause I've never seen you like that.” Applejack cursed under her lips, the expression on Pinkie's face growing more dire. “I didn’t mean it like that," she said softly.

"Sometimes ya do things that make us feel a bit uneasy, and maybe that’s somethin’ to work on, girl, but most of the time you make us giggle, roll our eyes at your silliness, or livin’ up the place." She flicked her tail across Pinkie's neck tenderly. "We love ya, Pinks, and you should just be yourself, an’ learn when ya cross a line. We’re still teachin’ Rainbow Dash that, but we can always make fun of her an’ watch her blush.

Applejack smiled sincerely. "Yer so damn sweet, and we know ya mean the best, Pinkie. Always. You make us laugh at life. Somethin', that a lot of ponies just need to learn to do.”

What shocked Applejack the most was the deep, stress relieving sigh that Pinkie let out of her muzzle. It wasn't a cartoony, comic sigh like she normally did; it was one of a massive burden leaving her heart, and the honest peace in her eyes was, for a lack of a better word, beautiful.

“Thank you, Applejack," Pinkie said. "It’s been something I’ve been struggling with for, well, years. Always worried you all just put up with me.”

Applejack laughed deeply. “Oh Tartarus, girl, Dasha and I have about a twenty second policy to ponies who are real pricks, and Rarity and Twilight aren’t far behind. Yer just silly ninety percent of the time. Just gotta learn when ya cross the line and it’s funny or stop it. We love ya, girl, and always will.”

Tears welled up in the corners of Pinkie’s eyes as she leaped forward to press her muzzle into Applejack’s, tilting her snout to the side to give Applejack a deep, quick kiss in delight. When it broke, her tail wagged happily behind herself, a joy of euphoria emanating from her blue eyes. Applejack couldn't stop her cheeks from turning a burning red.

“I love you girls so much,” Pinkie sniffled, wiping away the tears budding in her eyes. “This is only like, twenty three percent of the alcohol talking. You haveno idea how much that means to me, Applejack. I owe you a billion times over for taking the biggest problem in my life and just, bucking it to Neverland! I’m going to be the best pony I can be! Oh I just can’t even describe how much happier I feel. I think the evil side of me is like, dying in an evil scream of doomy-”

“You see?” Twilight said happily, “this is why AJ’s my second-in-command." She lifted her muzzle up from Applejack's coat, her mane in slight disarray from rubbing into both Applejack's and and Pinkie's sides. "She can pull a me, and lead from the front, and teach lessons when I’m not around. I love you too, Pinkie Pie, and your amazing coat, and that’s why you’ll be the morale officer-”

Pinkie backhoof slapped Twilight into Applejack’s side, Applejack digging her hooves into the ground to keep herself from falling over. Pinkie stood in silence, shaking her forehoof rapidly across the ground. “Wow," she whispered, "controlled violence is kind of enjoyable!”

“Ya see?” Applejack chuckled, wrapping a forehoof supportively around Twilight. “Part of the fun of applebuckin’.” She grinned. “I think when she talks about... that, we should just slap her like ya would a big dog who drops a load on yer floor. Train her to stop.”

“Good plan!” Pinkie chirped, bouncing in the air. “I think we’ve made kind of a big scene, so maybe-”

“Mares and Gentlecolts, we have something specialforyoutonight.”

“Oh don’t worry about that,” Applejack chuckled, tilting her head toward a loud speaker. “Ya think those two would not strut like those really brightly colored birds Fluttershy has?”

“Le gasp!” Pinkie said. “Fluttershy! I’ll go make sure she makes out with me so that she doesn't feel bad about not having Twilight. It's time to completely rule the conversation and woo her to me. I never knew I could be so... cunning.” Pinkie purred, galloping off to half tackle herself into whatever conversation Fluttershy was having with the ponies around her.

Applejack simply shook her muzzle. Her ears perked up at the crystal clear smoothness of the stallion announcing the event, his voice echoing of a colt with practiced precision. “Normally, such foxyfillies don’t normally catch our attention in thismanner, but after we learned who they were, howcould we turn this gala down?”

She huffed to herself in amusement, glancing at the faintly groaning Twilight using her as a crunch. “It’ll be better than the Gala. I know that.”

Twilight pulled herself off from Applejack’s side, rubbing her cheek. Her bloodshot and out of focus eyes slowly looked up at Applejack's. “Did... did I just collapse again?”

“Yeah, Twi,” Applejack nodded. “You kinda did. Those were some mighty big ales you were drinkin’.”

“What are the chances that the Elements of Harmony came out looking for a darker night on the town? What are the chances two of them, or should we say, all sixof them, are battling it out for each other's’... Element?”

“Celestia’s breasts, I think I have a real migraine now,” Twilight slurred. “Oww. Migraine. And drunk. And... why am I-I rubbed my horn into Pinkie Pie’s coat didn’t I?” Her friend nodded, causing a cherry glow to burn over Twilight's muzzle. She shuffled in place nervously. “Y-y-yeah. As much fun as it would be to watch Rainbow - and sadistically enough Rarity - make dumbflanks out of themselves, again, I’m not exactly... up for letting my scent get noticed by the ponies around me. Which... yep. There it is. Horn stimulation.”

“W-w-well,” Applejack began, her cheeks quickly turning red in return, “I think-”

The spot lights swiveled toward Applejack and Twilight, blinding them in a bomardment of light “And it seems thesetwo mares either have the hots for each other, or one of our contestants is about to have a long, sweaty night with one of, or both, of these finefillies.”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Twilight hissed, shoving a forehoof into her friend’s muzzle. “We’re getting out of here, and I knowexactly how.”

“But I was complimentin’-”

Twilight closed her eyes quickly, red lightning coiling and sparkling from her horn. “All I have to do, oww! Is teleport us to one of the private rooms, focus on what the relative size of the room should be-”

“Castin’ that drunkand slightly highand with a headache!?” Applejack panicked.

“So how about we introduce these two duelists, or should we let their flanks introduce themselves?”

“-shunt my cerebral cortex,” Twilight gritted. Static electricity slithered around her horn and frame, faint pulses of air wiggling over her coat.

Applejack opened her muzzle. “We could walk-”

“Not fast enough,” Twilight countered, grinning to herself. “I think I can do this.”

“Think?!” Applejack yelled, indifferent to the dozens of ponies now staring at the two mares. “We could die!”

“And that,” Twilight said, lightning crackling around her coat, “is half the fun.”

Chapter Eighteen: It's Time To D-d-d-d-d-d-duel!

Author’s Note: The following chapter contains music. A shock for D.D.R right? I have provided a link for you, and the scene was written to be read as the music plays. I hope you enjoy this chapter! What will happen next!?

Rarity and Rainbow Dash were both mares of dramatic entrances if the event called for such a thing. Having the limelight stolen when they were half drunk wasn’t exactly an easy way to get into their hearts. They had spent minutes planning a grandiose entrance, and Twilight Sparkle and Applejack had to have stolen it from them. First the announcer was drumming up the crowd, then Applejack yelled at the top of her lungs, and then a crackling sphere of red magic had swooped up Twilight and Applejack to who knows where. Rainbow and Rarity were betrayed, and they were not amused. It was only made worse by them being drunk enough to be anger prone, and horny enough to double down on that rage.

“Come on!” Rainbow cried, bursting from her side of the arena to buzz around the stage. “Really? Didn’t you want me to make an idiot of myself or watch me destroy Rarity? And now you two just... leave? Moral support A+, Twi’ and AJ. A+.”

“I mean, really,” Rarity said, shoving her way through her fans, “we had this whole thing planned out, and they had to ruin it didn’t they?”

“What buzz kills,” Dash snorted, her wings rapidly flapping in excess stress.

“Truly,” Rarity replied with an angry vibration of her lips. The gathering of ponies agreed with both of the contestants, booing the missing Elements who had decided to abandon their friends and screw up the free entertainment that were about to receive. Even the thrumming music that was pulsating died to echo the anger of the ponies around the stage.

Pinkie Pie, decided to come to the rescue.

“Wait a minute, everypony!” Pinkie leaped through the air, twirling in a manner more akin to a 80’s action hero than a normal mortal as she landed between the two dance pads. “What-wow,” she heaved, coughing up dry air. “Okay, I am not doing that again after that much alcohol. Holy crap. I feel... sick.”

Rainbow Dash landed beside Pinkie Pie, who wheezed out choking coughs of motion sickness. Dash slowly stroked Pinkie's back with a wing as Rarity groomed Pinkie’s curled and gelled mane. “Pinkie,” Rainbow said, “maybe you should... you know... find a room to chill in. I think two beers, a sake, a vodka, a tequila, and whatever else you drank isn't a good mix. I think it's getting to you.”

“No, not yet," Pinkie hiccuped, "Igotta watch what you two do.” Pinkie closed her mouth, her cheeks bulging widely. Rainbow's wing held onto Pinkie's back to keep her from falling over, in case the worst came to past.

Instead, Pinkie belched heroically, sending out a fog horn of sound through the air, receiving a round of applause from the crowd, a giggle from Rainbow, and a scowl from Rarity’s damaged eardrum. She wiggled her husky rump behind herself. “I’ll be okay. Ahh! Much better! Just give me a bit.”

She composed herself, wrapping a forehoof around both of her friends, coughing dramatically. “Listen here, everypony! I know exactly where my other two fillyfriends went. What happens when you teleport two drunk ponies into a room?”

Rainbow flapped gleefully into the air, the manure eating grin on her muzzle getting wider with every passing moment. “They score!” she cheered, the audience yelling in approval with her. “Twilight’s gonna lose her virginity! Take that, Rarity!” Rainbow squeed as she twirled through the air, landing on her dance pad with a torrent of tittering squeals escaping from her round snout. “I got my plan to work,” she sang tauntingly. “I outsmarted you, Rarity.” Dash prodded Rarity’s chest sharply. “Take, that.”

“Piss off, you pegasus, penis piston,” Rarity spat, sending a wad of saliva across Rainbow's muzzle. “I worked hard for everything tonight; and if I may be blunt - which I will be - my plans have gone, to, shit, thanks to you!”

“And she would of got away with it too, if it wasn’t for us meddling Elements,” Pinkie nodded. “Man, she swears alot drunk and with no money in her bank account. I think it’s kinda hot.”

“I do too,” Dash rumbled, flicking her tail behind herself, “but the unicorn dick dicer is just mad she lost to me a second time. And she's gonna lose to be again, yeah?" Rainbow grinned darkly. "Third time's the charm, right?”

“You wanking, wingedwench!” Rarity neighed, snapping her jaws at Rainbow's. "I, will, destroy you!"

“Stop, fighting!”

Fluttershy hovered over the stage, folding her forehooves on her hips as she stared down at her friends. “I can’t believe what my friends have turned into drunk, stoned, and needing their' flowers pollinated.” Her aqua eyes were a glowing ocean in anger, watching them cower under her gaze. “You all should be ashamed of yourselves. I thought we would get all ditzy, and snuggle, and have a nice time rubbing each other off, butyou two have just... just been so... so mean! I feel horrible bringing my best weed, and you all ruined it by fighting, drinking, and calling each other horrible names that just... I can’t even put into words how angry I am! Shame, on, you!”

Rarity and Rainbow’s ears and snouts wilted, staring sadly at the dance floor, as life and soul drained from their bodies. “Now,” Fluttershy huffed, “you’re going to dance, and have a good time, and make everypony happy. And then, you’re going to go to a room, and be the loving, soft, beautiful mares I call my best friends. Got it?”

“Yes, Fluttershy,” Rainbow whimpered.

“I’m so sorry, darling. I never knew we did so much to you.” Rarity sniffled. “We... we’ve been bloody awful haven’t we?”

“You, have.” Fluttershy hovered over her friends, scratching gently at their backs. “Now dance, before the alcohol makes you two unable to walk. Besides, if you all don’t dance...”

Fluttershy yanked up her friend’s tails high into the air, exposing their crotches and forcing an intimate anatomy lesson for hundreds of ponies to see. “We don’t get to see these things shine; so get shaking, and let’s see your marehoods move!” Fluttershy screamed at the top of her lungs, shaking the ceiling and sending an uproar of applause from the audience around the two furiously blushing mares.

Pinkie Pie power drifted into the crowd, throwing her forehooves into the air with a raw vigor pounding in her bright blue orbs. “Get on with it!” she howled hoarsely.

“Yes, get onwith it!” Invictus boomed with nearly a thousand voices hollering themselves raw in cheers, hoots, neighs and hoof stomps. If only they were paying more attention, Fluttershy passed a wink to Pinkie, landing beside her and nuzzling sweetly into her side. They quickly shared a quick kiss. It was a job, well done.

Fluttershy teasingly rubbed her pink tail across Pinkie's curly coat. “You, and me, later tonight, Pinkie?” Fluttershy rumbled. She fluttered her eye lashes rapidly at her friend, throwing her flowing mane and tail in the wind.

“My calendar is full of important things," Pinkie pondered, stroking her chin. "Such as lots of peeing in the middle of the night, and sleeping, and wondering if I want to do this again next month." She rocked on her hooves, whistling to herself. “But, I think I can slip in fondling a pegasus somewhere in there.” Fluttershy and Pinkie's muzzles rubbed together gently, both of the mares letting out giggling squeals of feminine content as they gave each other a kiss.

“Oh, if you think Rainbow’s wings are soft, wait till you feel mine,” Fluttershy nickered seductively.

“Challenge, accepted,” Pinkie whinnied, smacking Fluttershy's side.

Rarity and Rainbow had solid red lines across their muzzles. That would happen at their nethers - which were mighty fine in different ways to a vast majority of ponies - being exposed in a more than casual nudity manner to several hundred, sexually active ponies. Rainbow's wings dug into her side as she looked in small eyed shock at Rarity, swallowing down a ball of saliva. Rarity gulped down spit back. They could barely hear anything other the beat of stomping hooves, and of the announcer clearly giving intimate details on his thoughts on their genders. It was for the best they blocked it out.

“W-w-well,” Rarity whispered, the chanting and hoof stomping of the crowd thundering across the floor, “I guess we’ve been forced at cannon point now, haven’t we? Damn." She shook her snout solemnly. "Well, I suppose if our hindquarters gain us that much attention, we are as attractive as we think we are, no?”

Dash smiled. “You kidding me? You've got a really natural curve going to your flanks and down your hind legs. Really brings out the female body in a way most mares just can’t. That yoga you do helps. Sleek by design. Beautiful, Rares. Graceful." She smirked. "I think the grey fur compliments your white too, you know?”

The glow on Rarity's face turned into a sheet of crimson. She looked at Dash shyly with her azure eyes. “W-w-why Rainbow, I don’t know what to say! Thank you for one, you nasty little thing. Be glad I’m half drunk. I’d be lying though, if you aren’t the pinnacle of the mare body in motion. Streamlined, toned; you have a gait that is won from your years of fitness and I simply can not replicate that, even if I tried.” She scoffed at her pad shyly. “Besides I... think the cobalt fur you have between your cheeks is a lovely contrast, too.”

It was Rainbow's turn to glow over her muzzle. “T-t-thanks,” she squeaked. “I... can’t believe we just complimented our runways without kicking each other there.”

“Let’s not think about it, Dashie dear." Rarity chuckled. "Now lets pick a song before the audience decides to use us as sex objects.”

Rarity pulled back the minor curls she had from her hairdo with a tug of her magic, straightening out her hair with dancing wisps of sky colored magic. She pulled her mane down, letting it flow wildly at her sides and shoulders, letting it dance in the air. “Don’t want my hair to get in the way, no?”

Rainbow tightened her new ponytail, glancing at the longer, berserk strands of her colored mane. They waved in a rolling ocean of reflected light from the glow of the arcade machines and strobe lights staring down at the two Elements. “Y-y-yeah,” Dash chuckled. “And hey, as much of a fantasy being used that way might be for me, I don’t want to be loose for the rest of my life.”

Rarity sighed tiredly, unable to hide a smirk from appearing on the corner of her muzzle “Has anyone ever told you how much of a pervert you are?”

“Nathan Fillyon, Ben Neighflek, Robert Downhay Jr., Leonardo Dicoltpio, and Matt Whinnymon are all in your house. Would you say no letting them take turns with you?” Rainbow smirked back, magenta orbs glancing at the blue, ocean depths of her friend.

Rarity simply stared at Dash for a few seconds. “I don’t hear you saying no,” Rainbow added. “I wouldn’t say no.”

“Choose a bloody song,” Rarity mumbled, breaking out into a short laugh.

"Told you," Rainbow snorted. "I'll count that as two and a half wins for me tonight."

Pinkie cried from the crowd, cupping a forehoof to her muzzle. “I choose you, Rainbow! I got twenty bits on you! You better not lose. Peer pressure, peer pressure, ra, ra, ra!”

“Thirty on Rarity!” Fluttershy called.

“The house is now accepting bets on this match. Vote quickly, as you have only two minutes to decide!”

Both of the Elements on stage sighed in unison. “Let’s see,” Rainbow said, tapping her forehoof rapidly over the arrow keys. “We’ll do expert. Insane is too technical, and we want to give them a show. Dragonforce?”

“I’ll kill you,” Rarity sneered. “Advantage to you. Don’t tell me you cheat after the Running of the Leaves?”

“I cheat at taking pot shots at Applejack’s butt,” Rainbow giggled. “She’s a sister to me, a hot sister. I just don’t wanna do her. Make sure she’s up for breeding though.”

“Your ethical standards are questionable when we aren't in peril, and when nopony is going to get hurt.” Rarity smiled.

“PSY?” Rainbow asked.

Rarity blushed deeply, scoffing at the ground. “Fluttershy, this afternoon?”

Rainbow broke out into a barking laugh. “Hah! She caught you dancing to that? Nice. So, we’re not doing country.”

“Heavens no.”

“Dubstep?”

“Too heavy.”

“Rock?”

“Another time.”

“Drum and Bass! It’s natural for a club and D.D.R anyways.” Dash tilted her head to the side, flicking her tail behind herself. “Complaints?”

Rarity bit her bottom lip. “Pendulum. I only know them in passing. If it’s too heavy, I’m still killing you.”

“Ouch." Rainbow Dash pouted softly, folding her ears. "Can I at least clop to Soarin’ before I die? And I don’t know them much either.”

Rarity tapped her forehoof to confirm the song. She winked playfully. “Maybe, only-”

“Relax. Focus your chi.”

Rarity's forehoof hung in the air. She slowly tilted her snout to the side at Rainbow’s sudden comment. The calmness of it, the care of it, caught her off guard. “What-”

“Focus, your chi,” Dash said. “I do martial arts, and you do yoga, but we both use chi. Sure, we’re kinda drunk, and high, but we can do this. Focus, your chi.” Her lungs and stomach moved up and down as she let out a smooth exhale of air from her mouth. Her feathers spread by the sides of her folded wings. “Take that ether we have inside of us, and bring it to your hooves. Let your horn channel it, and relax. Focus. Block out everything else. Who cares if Pinkie and Fluttershy are screaming, or ponies are checking us out. Focus. Have fun. If they want to see us move, they’ll see us move. We can do this.”

Rarity silently nodded, extending her stance for a moment, crossing her forehooves as she pulled air into her lungs. She felt the well known trickle of sweet mana spin down her horn, spine, and tickle through her body. She did the same gesture again, icy eyes glowing brightly, reflecting back the timer reaching its end on the screen in front of them. Her eyes glanced at the pinkish red suns of Rainbow’s, who caught her at the same time. They both nodded in silent agreement.

They were in their own trance. Their grudges had melted away, the alcohol wiggled and dueled with the magic inside of their souls, and their fur and bodies stood on edge. Both of their postures relaxed, legs spreading and frames lowered. The earthquake that was the crowd, melted away.

The clock counted down.

Three.

Two.

One.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEPB7uzKuh4

The first drop of sound pulled them into their own world, and the singing made their old one melt away. With each gentle tap of the piano, their hooves stepped on the arrows underneath, perfectly timing the introduction. As they moved, they eyed each other quickly, the lyrics twirling in their ears and reflecting off of Rarity's and Rainbow's eyes. They smiled.

Was Applejack right about Rarity? Would Rarity balance out Rainbow's fear of failure? Of not being good enough? Of opening up her heart?

Was Twilight right about Rainbow? Would Rainbow show Rarity how to enjoy the unplanned and unknown? Of letting loose and living freely?

Rainbow would fight till her last breathe for anypony in peril: how protective would she be of a lover who held her heart? Rarity didn’t know.

Rarity gave up being a millionaire and fame to stay with her friends and keep her creativity integrity: what would she paint if someone captured her heart, and nurtured her woes? Rainbow didn’t know.

Through the catacombs of Tartarus, Rarity knew Rainbow would give it all to pull a friend from the brink of despair.

Through the blinding light and fear of a friends' self doubt, Rainbow knew Rarity would tell them and show them, how beauty they were.

The beat picked up, and their hooves spread and shifted on each press, eyes focused on the glowing arrows on their screens. The cheering of the crowd was dull. It was taken and shoved away. There was only one thing that was important. One thing that resonated.

Them.

The pounding bass and synthesizer was matched step in step with four pairs of hooves blurring together, striking the pads underneath them with electric passion. The held vocal note and furious beat was challenged by the toes and quarters of the heavenly sky and misty pearl colored mares scoring hit after hit of trained precision. Chromatic and royal purple manes shook and danced as one, lost to the heart throbbing and soul channeling pulse. Dash and Rarity glanced at each other once more, content to look at the determined peace on each other’s muzzles. They couldn’t help but crack a smile at the corners of their lips, and they kept that secret only to themselves.

The moment the note was released, Rarity and Rainbow did an instinctive three sixty with a small jump in the air, knowing that they were in tune with a song they didn’t know, and they didn’t see anything wrong with it. Two different mares, from two different walks of life and backgrounds, colliding as a physical force of dexterity and body showing spirit. They just let themselves go. Their essences were put on display by the explosion of their flowing bodies throwing themselves about to the music. The smiles on the pegasus’ and unicorn’s muzzles grew with every passing second, and they let themselves go. Life, wasn’t important right now.

They were.

The clarion call note called to them yet again, and they matched its song with the battle chant of their legs, the brightly colored lights and dots in front of them breaking away to every streak of their targeted impact. They couldn’t hear it, but the shouting from the mob was deafening, all of the energy radiating from Rainbow's and Rarity's bodies cascading over everypony near them. It was infectious, it was encapsulating, it was divine. And all they did was dance. Their tails and frames swayed to the movement of the crowd and the sound vibrating around them, and all they wanted to do was smile, and soar. And so they did.

They fed that fire.

Their movements got more improvised, disregarding all that last bit of rigidity inside of them, and their contest and even perfect scores; it wasn’t important, not even to the ponies around them, compared to the way the Rarity and Rainbow's hooves moved. They fed the drive to let each other loose and fly. The glancing they did at each other grew with each passing second, echoed by the clopping of their hooves. Their expressions softened, the alcohol warming their cheeks in addition to the sweat dripping down their swaying manes. They were with each other. One body, one force, one journey, to a momentary utopia. Two mares, so different, were so alike at this moment in time.

Rainbow Dash held out a forehoof as the symbols thrummed their exit. Will you come with me, Rarity? Her mind called.

Rarity responded by pressing into the forehoof, and twirling herself and Rainbow around by the momentum, rolling over her blue comrade, until they were at their rivals pad. I will, Rainbow Dash.

Booming silence filled the lack of the bass during the songs calm, their hooves prodding the slow arrows trundling in front of them. It was a mystical vibration of music that mellowed them out as reddish pink and water blue eyes looked at each other, peering at each other’s hearts. There was so much there, so much unknown, so much to be learned.

But could they do it? It was an impossible mountain. A laughing concept only minutes ago. Could they duel their competing lives and live with it? So much conflict, so much-

“Give it a try,” Rainbow whispered under her breath.

“Give it a try,” Rarity whispered back.

Let me show you what it’s like to live in the moment, and just let go, Rarity.

Let me show you what it’s like to love yourself, and show that love you’re afraid to show others, Rainbow.

There’s nothing to hide.

There’s nothing to hide.

Their’ hooves stomped together, twirling through keystrokes and the build up with clockwork timing, dancing the notes of their partners.

Will you come with me, Rainbow? Rarity smiled lovingly at the pegasus.

Through Hades and back, Rarity. Let’s dance.

The mares crouched and leaped into the air together, twirling over each other to land back on their own machines. Their hooves locked into place, melding into the music as if they were born to dance to it. Two manes and tails flailed with their bodies in motion, teasingly giving a tickling rub of the tips of their blue and white coats. Their vision was a casual glance at two screens, but more importantly, a look into the depths of each other’s eyes and laughing smiles. They were in this playful duel together now. Despite what had happened earlier that day, that duel was about to get into a more interesting battle, and it might, just might, turn into something greater.

Something, greater.

The music ended not just to the faint ringing in Rarity's and Rainbow's ears, nor the panting huffs of two sets of lungs and throbbing hearts coming to terms with what they had just did; it ended to the complete silence of the entire arena around them. It was completely quiet in Invictus, for the first time in history.

Rarity and Rainbow looked at each other. They looked at the wheezing, sweat drenched, tongues hanging forms of each other's mouths, and all they could do, was chuckle in amusement.

“That... was different,” Rarity gasped. “Did we just do that? I think we did.”

“We absolutely... just did.” Rainbow Dash wheezed, her stance widening to allow her frame to support herself. “And you won too, and I tried my best.”

“And I did too, I... what?” Rarity's sapphire gems glanced at the score. She had won by merely a hundred points out of nearly half a million. “I... won.”

“Yeah, I just said that. So you get a prize, and what’ll it be?” Dash chuckled. “I’m your model for a day? I’m forced to try brussel sprouts? Go to an opera?”

Rarity pondered, shaking her wet, shoulder sliding mane to get some of it out of her eyes. “Very possible, no, and that would be funny.” The smile on her muzzle grew. “Ah ha, I know exactly what I’m going to ask.”

“Oh great,” Dash snorted playfully, “what’ll-”

Closing her eyes, Rarity's muzzle pressed into the cyan blue one beside it, tilting to the side to let herself press a kiss onto Rainbow's lips. She brought her right forehoof around Dash's shoulder, stroking through the thick bundles of Rainbow's mane as she suckled on the pegasus' lips. Dash’s frame and posture melted, she kissed back.

Her left wing extended to stroke across her friend’s opposite cutie mark, scratching across Rarity's alabaster colored coat before flicking across her purple, damp mane.

Their muzzles rubbed teasingly together, lips parting to nip and let the faint crackles of kissing echo in their ears, tasting old alcohol and natural flavor of each other’s tongues together. It wasn’t the powerhouse that the kiss leading to the dance off was. It was a sensual, tongue tasting test, and by the way the two Elements tails flicked and stroked through each other, it was wonderful.

Invictus, as one, called out in a scream of raw joy.

Rarity broke the kiss slowly, letting the small slits of her eyes look into the glowing radiance of Rainbow's. “That, was my prize. And it made up for every, single, little thing that went wrong today.”

Dash didn’t care that her face was on fire; that she smelled of sweat around her friend; that she was faintly panting. All she cared about was now. Her past problems, for the present, were in the past. Maybe they would stay that way. “Well, I have to say,” Rainbow whispered, her eyes glowing playfully, “that it wasn’t as bad as brussel sprouts. I’d put it up there with baked beans. I love beans though.”

“Oh you silly mare,” Rarity giggled, licking the tip of Rainbow's nose, “I don’t think you know how cute you are, in your Rainbowish ways. But speaking of beans.” Dash raised an eyebrow at the question, only to receive a forehoof gently relaxing on her lips. “There is a second, bonus prize I might get, although if I won that round is completely up to you. Mayhap it involve a bit of... bouncing?”

“Yeah, I think you won the bonus prize and even the secret door too.” Rainbow rumbled as she nipped on Rarity’s nose, only resulting in a squeal of mock protest from Rarity's muzzle.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, were in hysterics, the hundreds of ponies around them stomping in unison at the romantic display on stage. “I’m such a sap for romance!” Pinkie wailed, tears pouring down her cheeks as she hugged Fluttershy as if she would never hug the mare again. “I can’t take this, Fluttershy! I’m going to cry, forever!”

“Me too,” Fluttershy sobbed, wrapping a wing around Pinkie, crying in unison. The alcohol had at last, broken them. “It’s so... so beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful,” Pinkie countered, letting out a disgusting snort. “You... you deny it, I’ll kill you like Rarity said! I’ll kill you dead!”

“You’re killer,” Fluttershy sniffled, lapping at her friend’s tears. “You pudgy, soft, squishy poodle you! Stay here, mama loves you. Don’t go anywhere.” She cooed affectionately into Pinkie Pie's ears.

“Don’t mention going or coming anywhere. You... you!”

“Shh,” Fluttershy whispered, licking Pinkie's forehead. “Let’s go to a private room upstairs, okay? You’ve been a good girl, and you need to be pet.”

“P-P-please pet me,” Pinkie whimpered. “I like being pet. I’m a good doggie Pinkie. Just... don’t pet my cotton candy. Or... do! I can’t decide!”

“Shh. I’ll decide, and you’ll get lots of kissie wissies, too.” Fluttershy nipped on Pinkie's nose, causing a flood of giggles to pour from Pinkie’s mouth. “Now Rarity did reserve up to five rooms, so how about we take one?”

“I’ll need at least three to play around with,” Pinkie pouted.

“Sometimes, a doggie needs to know what she can and can’t have,” Fluttershy said. “You’ll have to deal with one, but mama will treat you right.”

Pinkie nodded in understanding, thudding her tail on the ground obediently. “Y-y-yes master!”

Rarity leaned into Rainbow as the two ponies walked upward to the private suites of the club to the hollers of approval from the hundreds of ponies around them. Fatigue was sucking them dry, their eyes were bloodshot, and their legs could barely move. It didn't matter though, for the moment they pushed open the door to the room, their fun was about to begin in earnest that night.

They glanced at each other seductively, despite the alcohol settling in their stomachs, and the fatigue of the day pulling them toward slumber. Sleep, could wait.

Pinkie and Fluttershy pressed into one another, hiccuping, giggling, and talking incoherently as they nosed themselves into the room two doors down from their two friends. Rarity and Rainbow were very clearly going to have loud sex, and hearing their best friends moan in ecstasy wasn’t high on the life goals of either the yellow or pink mare.

Alcohol did a wonderful amount of things to the body of a pony, or any living creature for that matter. It was the third most consumed drink in the world, and for rightful reasons. It had its place in history as a savior during famine. It helped move society along, and it was a thriving industry all on its own.

It also made Pinkie and Fluttershy unable to coherently hear, nor care, about the two occupants in the room they entered. Sliding, bumping, and teasing each other with little kisses, they pushed themselves inside, shut the door, and simply let the world pass them by.

They had entered the room Twilight and Applejack had teleported in.

Chapter Nineteen: Yo Dragon, I Herd You Like Letters

Chapter Nineteen: Yo Dawg, I Heard You Like Letters

Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were lucky that their parents knew they were camping out that Sunday night, and that for some reason, despite how much destruction they had caused in their short lives, were trusted enough to sleep together.

How everyone was wrong with giving them that right.

It was nearly noon by the time Spike had decided that waking up would be a relatively decent activity. Relatively decent being the key phrase. His head felt like a flashbang had just been thrown an inch from his muzzle, and all he could taste was the color of agony. As stupidly cool as it was to ponder the universe and his incredible ability to be sexy - and make Rarity wet herself at night at the sheer thought of him posing at her door - all he could think about right now was squeezing the supple, soft, warm flesh that was in his paws. While he more than enough remembered the incredible planning he did last night - or so he thought he did - that clarity of complete, undeniable badflankness had retreated into the corners of his mind once more. Only Rainbow Dash was currently allowed to suckle on that nectar. It ticked him off to no end. At least he had the squishy flesh in his paws.

That powerful and yet sweet coat would take away the misty blindness that clouded his brain. He hoped. It would make the stomach pain from eating too much junk food go away for just one moment; it would make him not feel like pinning down his pet pearl mare, lift up her twirling and sunset shimmering purple tail, and show her that once you ride a dragon, you'll want no other wagon. That wonderful fur that was pulled apart in his claws was a moderately decent substitute for his one and only love, or the warmness of his sister's kindness, the swag of Rainbow, and dare he admit it, the comfort of a book. It might also get rid of the part of him he didn't want exposed between his legs, exposed to an underage group of preteens. At least he had his peace, or as much peace as he could have for the moment, baring giving Rarity a layer of dragon salt.

The incredibly loud and vile hellfire of flatulence that resulted from his squeezing of Applebloom's sides too many times broke that foggy fantasy. It was also a decontamination chamber for all four occupants in the fort.

Spike and all three of the formerly knocked out fillies shot up from their' slumbers, screaming in confused horror. Where were they? Who were they? What happened last night? Why did their' groins hurt? Why did they feel like puking? Why did they smell like crotch? Where did the night and morning go? Who was Carmen Sandiego?

"I need a bush!" Applebloom yelled, unable to detect the irony of the statement.

"I need to puke!" Spike gagged.

"I need to pee!" Sweetie Belle whined.

"I need to wash my mouth off!" Scootaloo heaved.

All four of them screamed once more, running out of the fort in childish panic to purge their bodies of the ills that plagued them. If only for a few minutes. It was quite hard to push out that much food and illicit chemicals from a body so quickly.

They would give it a damn good try.

"And that's... well... what a penis really is, and what vaginas really are," Spike said. He barked out a sudden laugh. "I can't believe I just talked about this with you three. Well... too late now."

After twenty minutes of composing themselves through bodily purging, and another twenty minutes of Spike giving an excellent example of why he was no longer a baby, the four occupants of the fort were as normal as they could be wasted off of the THC overload they had last night. They all were contemplating sobbing at the otherworldly experiences going through their heads. At least three of them were fluffy. Fluffy was nice. It kept the gnomes away. That was important.

Spike sat on back, chewing on some wild berries as he looked at the three snuggling foals. Or should he even call them foals anymore? Scootaloo was at the center of attention, having the softest coat of the three. She was curled up in a nearly perfect ball of burgundy fur and moderate purple hair, resting her muzzle on her own tail as her friends half laid on top of her. Sweetie Belle rested on her side, hanging her forehooves over Scootaloo's frame while her snout rested on the pegasus' flank. Applebloom had decided to rest her tail on top of Scootaloo’s and curl around her, laying her muzzle on Scootaloo's upper back. They could all use the bodily support of one another, in a manner different than what they did last night.

“So… that’s why ponies can like and play with each other, even if they’re mares or colts?” Sweetie Belle scratched her horn idly, wincing at the sudden stimulation. “Oww… my horn. Somepony tell me to stop poking at it.”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t put two and two together,” Spike continued, “but I thought of it just as a way ponies and animals to have kids. Not… for pleasure.” He let out a shy chuckle, unable to hide the blush that was creeping its way across his cheeks. “As for ponies dating their own gender, I just... I don't know! I guess I never thought of it that way. I just thought of it as love, I guess. It wasn’t until yesterday that I caught Fluttershy and Rarity kissing that-” He blinked several times at his slip of the tongue. “Uhh, opps.”

“My sister was kissing Fluttershy?” Sweetie Belle gasped, “that makes so much sense that they are marefriends! They go to the spa together, and gossip, and are with each other all the time. It-”

“They aren’t dating,” Spike said, waving a hand at the statement. “They just… got a bit excited from something. I don’t know what exactly, but when I came in on them to say the four of us were having a sleepover, there they were. Just... on the floor. Kissing. I had to break them up from a fight they got into afterwards, and they realized it just wasn’t going to work like that.”

Scootaloo shook her head. “Man, do ponies go that nuts just to get laid? I thought what we did was extreme. I don’t even want to think about what they’ve done and haven’t told us about. I mean it was fun and all, but you’d think they would've grow up or something. They're adults, not kids. Sheesh.” She blinked rapidly at the words settling in the air. "I... can't believe I just said that."

“I mean really," Applebloom said, "we’re just curious ‘n all, and we didn't quite get those books until you explained it, Spike, but gee willikers, if our sisters go crazy like that, who are they to tell us we went too far?” Applebloom blew out a small huff of air from the end of her nose. “I’m sure they've done somethin’ weird ‘n crazy too. If not a billion, zillion times! And they call us ‘immature’. Just a bunch of bigots if you ask me.”

“Let’s not think about what our sisters did last night,” Sweetie Belle moaned tiredly, rubbing her nose into Scootaloo’s leg. “Or what we did. I don’t think I say this much, but I think that was a experiment we aren't trying again. I’m not even sure if I’m seeing colors or smells. It was amazing, but... not worth this.”

“If you put your nose a hoof lower, Sweetie Belle, I don’t know what I’m going to do to you,” Scootaloo rumbled. “All I remember, is you put your horn there in the middle of the night when we all woke up, and it feels like gravity is hating me down there right now.”

Applebloom’s cheeks quickly matched the red of the apples her family famously grew. “A-a-about that, maybe we should keep this a secret. A real secret. A Pinkie Pie Promise, Cutie Mark Death Pact secret. Not the knowin’ about sex part, ‘cause that’s a bargainin’ chip we can use, but that… uhh…”

Sweetie Belle crossed a forehoof over her chest. "You don't have to say that twice, Applebloom. Death Pact of Baal sealed."

"Sealed," Scootaloo swore, crossing her own chest.

Spike couldn't help but feel himself smirk. “Four of them already know."

All three of the Crusaders shot up as one, their legs quivering in fear and in the sudden realization they were required to support weight they weren’t keen on supporting.

“My sister’s gonna put me in a chain gang!” Applebloom cried. “And she’ll make me sing baritone labor songs. I can’t sing baritone!”

“Rarity will make me watch marathons of Flip This House until I’m a real estate agent,” Sweetie Belle whimpered. “Do you have any idea how boring it is to listen about kitchens for hours? And that’s coming from a future cook!”

“And Rainbow will-” Scootaloo paused, her quaking hooves standing firm as she pondered, looking at the ground in reflection. “Will… I have no idea what she’ll do. Most likely she’ll just explain everything again and tell me to be safe, that I’m really young, and that if I have any questions, I should come to her. She tends to be pretty chill in extreme moments like that.”

“That doesn’t help us!” the other two crusaders screamed.

“Well it helps me,” Scootaloo countered, sticking out her tongue.

“I mean,” Spike chuckled, “that they thought you would have sex. Rarity and Fluttershy told me to stop you and get the anatomy books, but you already took them. Twilight and Dash gave me what I threw in here to knock you all out. Well… us, since it worked on me too. I think I’ll make a note not to use that again.”

Sweetie Belle stepped forward, her eyes staring into the sparkling emeralds of the dragon. “Speaking of that. What was that? Now we’re all tipsy and it made us see things that exist, like underpants gnomes.”

“What’s underpants?” Scootaloo asked, scratching the back of her head with a wing. “M-m-maybe I don’t wanna know, since that just makes my crotch itch more. Oww.”

Applebloom scratched her bow. “And what’s a gnome?Ohh! Remember that thing with the beard tellin’ us to go to Brayzil, and we could get an airship flight for a really good price? Now I remember. That’s a gnome.”

All three of the Crusaders nodded in agreement, Spike dragging his talons across his skull to numb the throbbing in his head. “It’s something used to knock ponies out if they are being really wild; I just used too much of it, and oh man, I think the only reason I’m not seeing Rarity everywhere is because I’m a dragon, so naturally I’m pretty much immune to everything.”

“Spike,” Sweetie Belle began, resting a forehoof on his chest, “we get it. You have a crush on my sister. Everypony knows. Even we know. We knew years ago.”

Spike's snout turned crimson. “N-n-no I-”

“You wanna tie her up on a fence ‘n play fiddle with her foal maker,” Applebloom grinned, taking a step forward toward Spike.

He sat up, clawing at the fort floor in panic. “Where did you-”

“You wanna find creative uses for premium pegasus ice on her!” Scootaloo cackled, stalking toward Spike.

“I don’t-”

“You want to put her in a corset and have her dance on stage like a can-can girl!” Sweetie Belle tittered. The Crusaders had surrounded Spike, pincering Spike in.

It was too much. “Fine!” Spike spat, staring down Sweetie Belle. “I want to have sex with your sister, Sweetie Belle. You have a problem with that!?”

Sweetie Belle's ears withered under the assault. “I d-don’t want to think about it,” she said.

Spike inhaled and exhaled from the depths of his stomach, smoke swirling in the air above him. “Look,” he said flatly, “you three are nice and all, and are really fun to hang around, but I was sent here to stop you, and because I wanted to get out of the library. I didn’t think I’d be dragged into this, and you all had fun while I just got the food. Not that… the food was bad or anything.” His green eyes closed in contemplation, tapping a foot on the ground. “So here’s the deal: sure, we both learned a lot today, but it’s going to bite both our butts in the future. Let’s just chill, we’ll pretend you all didn’t… do anything illegal, we’ll all be friends, and-”

“S-s-sex can’t be illegal,” Scootaloo stuttered. “Because-”

“Do I look like a lawyer to you?” Spike said. “Rainbow and Twilight said what you three did was illegal, and I’m not going to argue with Twilight about the law.”

Scootaloo scoffed at the ground. “Don’t have to be a prick about it. Sheesh.”

“I’m the only one here who didn’t get laid,” Spike huffed, “and it’s not like I’d do it with you three.”

“Hey!” the Crusaders’ said together.

"You're just jealous cause I got a horn and it didn't go inside you!" Sweetie Belle snapped.

Applebloom raised a forehoof, turning her head to look at her friend. "Umm... he doesn't have what we got. And you can't cast spells yet anyways."

"But he's got a butthole!" Scootaloo's wings buzzed excitedly. "I've heard Rainbow talk about it when I stalk her. You can totally put things up there. I haven't tried, cause... uhh... I don't know how."

Both of the other Crusaders stuck out their tongues. "Gross."

"Is not gross!" Scootaloo' growled quietly.

"Poop comes from there!" Applebloom gagged.

"Ever since sexual diseases were cured by Sterile Santorum in 345 A.D," Spike retorted, crossing his arms,  "that shouldn't be a concern. More so with modern pony hygiene."

All three of the Crusaders blinked their eyes in unison, processing the information that was given to them. "What are you an encyclopedia?" they said as one.

Spike shrugged casually. “See? Can't handle my intellect. Not my types.”

Scootaloo's wings flickered rapidly in anger as she pressed her nose into Spike’s, staring him down with her eyes. “You ate our food and knocked us out,” she growled. “That has to be illegal. Food stealing and… assault! Type that!”

“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle and Applebloom chimed.

“I’m not going to argue with you,” he growled. “Because if I do, my head is going to hurt even more, and the last thing I want to do is have to explain to Applejack and Rarity why you all are well done ponies.” The Crusaders rubbed their own muzzles at the mention of head pain, letting out a collective whimper not meant for mortal ears.

Thankfully, Spike was borderline immortal, so he was borderline immune. “Look," he said quietly, "you three are going to go home, we’re not going to bring this up again, and I’ll explain to Applejack that you’re just really tired after all that fun, Applebloom.”

Applebloom mumbled vulgarities she had heard from Applejack. Applejack would've been proud. Secretly. “Fine, but I have a feelin’ yer plannin’ somethin’ and I don’t like it. We can black mail you too, you know.”

“He has to be,” Scootaloo huffed, turning her snout, “if he was petting me like I’m his cat."

She shuffled in place, swallowing down a ball of saliva. A large blush began to fill out her muzzle. "Not that I… want you to stop doing that, Spike.” Spike’s talons reached out to scratch through Scootaloo's mane and neck, resulting in the pegasus nuzzling into Spike's hand.

“You are so weird, Scootaloo,” Sweetie Belle said, shaking her muzzle. “And that’s coming from me!”

Spike grinned evilly. There was an advantage to being two years older than the Crusaders, and the younger brother of a genius strategist. Twilight’s lectures on classical military tactics were interesting to him. Oh so interesting. “Just a future favor, when I think of it,” he said. “Beside's, Twilight and Rainbow gave me permission to eat your food. You know, revenge stealing." The Crusaders ears folded in one slow wave.

His grin began to crack, a gentle blush tracing itself over his muzzle. "But until then... I think I need about fifteen minutes behind a tree a mile from here.”

“What for?” Sweetie Belle asked, tilting her snout to the side. “Scratching post?”

“That’s Cataloo’s job,” Applebloom giggled.

Scootaloo hissed at Applebloom. “You’re the one who exploded from your butthole, Applebelch.”

“What does that have to do with cats?” Sweetie Belle blinked.

Spike was about to ponder how even the potent cannabis of Fluttershy’s highest grade weed couldn’t keep the Crusaders’ down for long, and what thoughts would occupy him a mile away from the fort, before he felt the familiar rumbling of an incoming letter in his gut. His trademark belch propelled the rolled scroll into the air, catching the sealed parchment with trained precision, and dare he admit it, a faint skip in his step.

Sure, he wanted to sleep for several days, and needed to furiously do repressed acts of teen rage on a tree, but at least he could open a letter that was surely from Twilight, asking him of how it all went, and about the future talk they would have. He was looking forward to that talk. He had many questions, and was sure he would get many answers. Adulthood, was going to be amazing.

He quickly opened the scroll, draconic eyes scanning over the words, until he felt the very core of his soul holler in despair. His life, was ruined.

"Spike?" Applebloom asked softly. "Are... are you okay? You're legs are shakin', and you look... pale."

Quickly he reread the message a second time. He did it again. And again.

His lips quivered, then pouted, and then, Spike screamed.

He didn't scream his classical shout of death defying no.

He screamed a four letter word that wasn't the ponyfied, although still moderately firm curse. He screamed it in it's all powerful, all unedited glory, at the very top of his lungs.

Chapter Twenty: Fluttering Sparkling Apple Pies

Chapter Twenty: Morning In Canterlot... Could Be Worse

Sunrise. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were used to this incredible event, and Invictus had once again returned to a high end pub once the Monday morning had begun anew. Applejack prided herself on her instinct to wake up early, and Pinkie too, was an early riser most days. Today, they had both cut themselves a little bit of slack for not being there when the sun began to shine, but it was at least a blue sky and right around when most normal folk woke up.

They weren’t in a high caring mood at this current moment.

Both of the mares had simply let their manes go; Applejack was content to let her berserk wheat colored mane roll down her shoulders and back in a disheveled mess, and the gel in Pinkie’s hair had dried up and turned it into a catacomb of spires, bubbly blobs, and simply a mash of every hair style she had ever had. Neither of them were concerned about how they looked.

A large pot of coffee brewed at the center of their table, the two mares barely glancing at the growing flow of ponies seeking early morning pub food. Applejack was content to drink what must of been her third cup of coffee by this point to counter the slowness of her mind. She was thankful she didn’t drink too much alcohol last night, and that Earth pony biology granted an excellent boost to nearly all of her internal organs, including her kidneys.

She had smoked far more than she had in perhaps all of her past engagements combined. Perhaps ‘royal’ weed was not supposed to have side effects, but maybe in her dosage, it just did.

Normally, she’d consider herself just a bit cranky after what had happened last night; she was a bit more inclined to give an annoying pony a good bit of country vulgarities instead of a discontent grunt. Normally, a mild hangover and blurry cannabis blues made her only slightly agitated. But there was a massive problem, and that made her far more along the lines of pissed.

“I can’t freakin’ believe I didn’t get any last night,” she growled. “My modesty was nice an’ all last night, but son of a bitch, this mornin’ stinks more than a donkey with dysentery.”

The pink mare in front of her, was clearly not amused by the current passage of time or events that had followed either. “Tell me about it,” Pinkie rumbled in fatigue, her muzzle resting on the table top. Mixing far too many different kinds of alcohol for her own good, and her own repressed sexual urges remaining unfulfilled, had made the famously bouncy mare a ticked off, tired time-bomb of need. She had a moderately bad hangover, and was completely lost as to exactly how yesterday happened the way it did. That was a rare occurrence.

“I mean, hay, it just isn’t fair," Pinkie whimpered, peeking up at Applejack. She rested her muzzle on her arms, letting out a stressed exhale of air from the end of her muzzle. "Why do we have to be the ones who don’t need a lot of sleep, and we party, and then we get nothing? Celestia, I smoked too much last night.” Pinkie whined like a neglected dog, dragging her muzzle across the wooden table.

“Yeah, I’m swearin’ off the dope and stickin’ to alcohol,” Applejack grumbled, gulping down her caffeine like water. She stared at her drink as if it had the solution to all of her woes. “Though, I’ll pass on that for several years too. Or... maybe a month. Or until Rainbow makes me want ta break her wings and make her eat them.”

Pinkie’s eyes drifted upward to look at Applejack's, blinking several moments to digest her friend's sentence. She felt more mortal now than she could recall in recent memory. “That’s… that’s kinda mean," she said tiredly. "Like...seriously, you should not say that kinda mean. There’s you meanness, and then Rainbow meanness, and then Twilight-thinks-you’re-an-incurable-idiot meanness, and then not funny meanness. Kinda the last, Applejack.”

“I don’t give a buck right now,” Applejack droned, rubbing her forehead with a hoof. Any sort of decency filter she had for her rougher vocabulary had been put to pasture. She wished she had been too. “Ya know I’d never do it, I just… I just need my crop rotated, damn it, and Twi’ just… just had to teleport and knock herself out. She could've had me carry her and we could've done somethin' light.” She growled loudly. "I can't believe I'm mad at her for not gettin' me off. I sound... stupid."

Applejack leaned forward, looking back down into Pinkie's eyes. She shook her snout gently. “I… damn it. Yer right, Pink’; I have to apologize to Dash for even thinkin’ about it.” Applejack exhaled sharply through her nose, letting the pressured air escape from her lungs. “I’m just, ticked. Ticked more than I can remember. Epona bethankful I just don’t got the energy to beat it out of the next pony who tries to say somethin’ stupid.”

Applejack sat back down on her pub chair, curling her thick, golden tail haphazardly around her side. Free of the tail wrap to keep it in check, it hung beside her like a cycle of wild grain. “I… I think I now know what Twilight feels like when somethin’ retarded happens.” Her olive eyes opened wide in sudden clarity. “I know what I feel like, but for her ta have this much stress on her? I… I can’t think of a single word to describe how she puts up with it. A-a-all I can say, is that she is stronger than all of us, combined. She… she needs me.”

“Equestria to Applejack: you are having Post Pot Philosophical Ponderings. Stop tripping and come back to me.” Pinkie Pie leaned forward, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “Now simma down now, relax, and let’s… let’s not try to think too hard? Twilight’s not going anywhere, and Fluttershy isn’t either." Her forehoof twirled a spoon into her mug of coffee, mixing up the sugar in the raw. It was her own turn to rub at her temples, closing her eyes to keep the throbbing in her head down. It only brought back the pounding music of the night before. She liked dance music. Not anymore.

Applejack snorted out another trundle of steam from her nose, nodding her muzzle solemnly at her friend. She raised an eyebrow at Pinkie's coffee. “I thought you don’t drink coffee? Rarity and I are really the only drinkers.”

“I started five seconds ago,” Pinkie grumbled, suckling on the drink in a physics and biologically normal manner. “It’ll keep me from passing out, maybe make me get my trunk bouncing again, and it could make me think less about my hangover. Or more. My brain doesn’t let me control much. It’s being really nice now though.” She chuckled in amusement. "Or maybe it's tired too. I didn't even know that was possible."

“Heh.” Lifting up her orange hoof to pour her fourth cup, Applejack’s green eyes scanned the club for a moment, feeling the budding kick of a culturally critical plant counter another culturally critical plant. And one not so culturally critical, although that was debatable. “What were the chances Rarity got three rooms all connected together as a herd sized suite? I can’t think of her plannin’ that intentionally.”

“Meh, she most likely thought Twilight and Rainbow would get a room, and then the four of us our own.” Pinkie shivered at the bitter taste in her mouth. “Doesn’t matter though, cause… heh, that would’ve been very messy if Fluttershy and Twilight weren't goners." She stroked her chin, taking another sip of her drink. "Not sure if it would be in the good or bad kind of messy. I’d say both.”

“You can say that again," Applejack smiled softly, "but you aren’t as peeved as I am about... well... not gettin' some action, and you got more wasted than all of us. Why?”

Pinkie rested her arms on the table, leaning toward Applejack. She was unable to hide the faint blush from going across her muzzle. “W-w-w-ell, when... uhh... we ‘bumped’ into the wrong room, we made a hasty retreat into the next empty one, and we got into a bit of hooving and grooving, and then… Fluttershy passed out. Kind of like Twilight did.”

A snide smirk appeared over the corners of Applejack’s lips. “That’s because I shooed you two off. Didn’t want anypony to bother Twilight since she was knocked out. And well… I’m not exactly keen on seein’ or hearin’ two of my friends gettin’ at it.”

“Yeah,” Pinkie sighed, “so we got half way to Candyland, so I guess getting a bit off didn’t make me more antsy, but helped a bit. Until this morning.” Her snout collided with the table once again, forehooves scratching and half swimming over the surface. “And when I woke up, Fluttershy was nuzzled in with Twilight, and you were with me.” Her eyes dragged upward to look at Applejack’s, fear trickling over the corners of her blue orbs. “You didn’t-”

“Reagan’s rectum I would never do that to anypony,” Applejack gasped. “I just didn’t want ya to wake up alone, so I just laid beside you is all, Pinkie Pie." She shook her muzzle rapidly from side to side, as if cold water had been thrown in her face. "Goodness, girl, that woke up me up. And I had to escape the noise Rainbow and Rares were makin’. Or what I thought they were gonna make again.”

“You’re going to tell me, even though I don’t want to hear it,” Pinkie whimpered.

“Eeeeyup,” Applejack smiled, folding her forehooves across her chest. “I can’t be theonly one who knows that they hit notes I didn’t even know the vocal chords could make. Celestia’s crotch creases, I’m glad it was twenty minutes before they passed out, ‘cause if it was five minutes more I would’ve broken down the wall and forced their snouts between my thighs until they choked.”

Gently, Pinkie pushed herself up onto her hooves, her eyes looking at her friend’s in a sudden dawning near enough to what Applejack had felt earlier. Applejack flicked an ear at Pinkie staring at her, tilting her snout to the side. Fatigue still filled Pinkie's eyes, but there was a budding light underneath.

“Uhh… Pinks?” Applejack asked, scratching at the floor with a hind hoof, “I guess to some carnivore I’d be mighty tasty with all my muscles-”

“Muscles,” Pinkie stated flatly. “Applejack: will you have sex with me?”

Applejack's eyes rapidly blinked at the question directed at her, her mind blank despite the caffeine that was going through her body.

“Okay,” Pinkie said, waving a forehoof dismissively. “I know we would make the worst couple-”

“You and Rarity.”

Pinkie fell over onto her side at the reply, letting out a deep laugh several octaves lower and far more powerful than any Applejack had ever seen. Tears poured down Pinkie’s cheeks at the simple thought of the idea, the filly rolling around on the ground in incoherent bliss.

Applejack shook her head, continuing her own trail of thought. “So… current you shows yer a great bit deeper than I knew before, and well... knowing you shows yer different than what ponies think you are. Yer a good girl, Pinkie, but... yeah... you’d make me contemplate drinkin’ Appleshine with you around me all day, every day. You just play a different fiddle than me and my bass can’t keep up.”

“You’re great with a bass guitar,” Pinkie squealed, gasping for air as if she had given birth. “Us... and Rainbow... should jam more.”

Applejack rolled her eyes, tapping at the counter-top gently. “Completely unrelated, but a true story.”

“Oh!” Pinkie chirped, her mane gelling itself back into what it had been the night before. “Thanks! Distracted. It happens.”

“I’m used to it, but-”

“So what I’m saying,” Pinkie continued, pressing her nose into Applejack’s, “is since we’re both needing our cookies stuffed, and we didn’t get any last night, and we’re both hung over and not really thinking straight," she giggled at her own words, "we should totally do each other this one time because-”

“I’m up for it.”

“-it’ll make us both mellow out, and maybe feel like old us’s cause I can feel old me-say what!?” Pinkie’s voice cracked. Her eyes bulged out of her muzzle, mouth hanging open.

Despite a part of her mind screaming for her to yield, Applejack shrugged both to herself and her ethical code that questioned how in the hay this had come to pass. It was an anal bastard sometimes, and vice city was looking right in front of her. In all its puffy and fluffy glory.

“I got four cups of coffee in me," she began, leaning on the table. "A bouncin’ pink pony who is offerin’ a long, hard, fun time. I got pent up juices that need to be squirted, and acomplete lack of self control until who knows when. So I say: why the hay not, before I decide to ride the nearest door knob. Rather fondle and ride a livin’ one, and oh sweet mercy you’re the only pony I can think of that’ll keep up with me other than Rainbow.”

A rumble deeper and more lustful than she had ever done in her entire life escaped from her lips. And she didn’t care that she did it. Repressed for too long, her loins - the most honest of loins - knew when they couldn't hold back any longer.

“Wait... you really mean it don't you?" Pinkie asked, her tone flattening. "I... wow. I don't know what to say to that."

Applejack slowly stroked the tip of her friend's muzzle. “Just say yes, and you’ll see what I’ll do to you and your 'pie'. And do it before I have a breakdown, and my breakdowns usually involve me running away or beatin' a tree. And I can't do either at the moment, so I might as well beat... a... cake. Crap. Daddy's genes failed me.”

Pinkie gasped scandalously, unable to hide the glowing blush going over her cheeks. “Miss Fruit!” she exclaimed, “but we’re so different, this is unheard of! But I must say yes-gah!”

Before Pinkie Pie even knew it, she was pressed against a wall, forced to stand on her hind legs as Applejack looked at her with the most sultry, dominant grin the pink mare had even seen. All Pinkie could do, was let out a nervous, soft squee of a mare who was caught wearing a skirt to a metal concert. Applejack stared down at her prey, forcing the front of both of their coats together.

Or more accurately, Applejack making sure Pinkie Pie wasn't going anywhere, anytime soon.

“H-i-i-i, Jackie.” Pinkie squeaked, eyeing the flowing and dancing yellow mane in front of her. Without her consent, her forehooves squeezed onto the thickly muscled flank cheeks of Applejack's. They screamed a raw power and torque that made Pinkie both envious, and scared. “B-b-beautiful hair you have. You are hotter without the hat! Wait. I need to find-”

“Rainbow said yer a switch, leanin' on a bottom, which is fine by me.” Applejack nickered darkly to her friend, licking Pinkie's ear as she dragged a forehoof through her fluffy back. “Cause I’m a natural top. Now why don’t ya go scoot that fine fanny of yours back into the room, and we’ll see how long you’ll last.”

“O-O-okay,” Pinkie whimpered, darting her eyes from left to right, looking for an escape. She found none. “Dear Pinkie Journal. Entry 246: You are really good at arousing ponies. Maybe you should not do that to a world class mage, athlete, and rodeo mare. Pick less threatening ponies.”

“I except at least five rounds with ya." Applejack dragged a hoof across Pinkie's cheek, lifting up her muzzle to stare Pinkie down with her emerald eyes. “Andyou offered, girl. Not me. Unless you were just kiddin’ around?” she asked, her eyes loosening their gaze. "If that's the case... I apologize and you shouldn't flirt with a needy friend. I owe you more cider than you can-"

“Oh no I totally wasn’t kidding-no shut up me-”

Applejack’s hoof slid noticeably lower down her friend’s front. “Eeeyup, I think you can’t back out of this now, little filly," she cackled. "Yer can of whoopass you opened.”

“Four rounds, and you let me curl up in your lap afterwards?” Pinkie gulped down a baseball sized wad of saliva down her throat.

Applejack, for the second time in her entire life, squeed. “Deal.”

What awoke Twilight Sparkle from her deep sleep - that was also made worse by a thankfully small hangover - was something she didn't want to hear. Ever. There were several things in life she didn't want to hear. Ever. The sounds softly thudding through the walls and into her ears were very high up on that list. Extremely so.

She was relatively positive four of her friends were having sex. Very, very, very loud sex.

She made an addendum: she was one hundred percent positive from the sonic resonances that four of her five closest friends were having very, very, very loud sex.

"Damn it," she whined tiredly. "Couldn't you have done this in the middle of the night? It has to be morning by now."

At least she had a wonderfully warm and sweet pillow and half blanket. While the covers and sheets of her bed had been thrown about, Fluttershy had half curled up around the unicorn, resting her muzzle on Twilight's rump as the purple mare hung lazily over Fluttershy's back. Twilight was stupidly comfortable, and that made the vibrations that clearly were meant to be gently heard from room to room slightly bearable.

Slightly.

"W-w-what?" Fluttershy hummed drunkenly, pulling open an eye. Twilight was shocked her friend hadn't needed to puke. The mako grogginess in the pegasus' eyes melted away once her ears picked up the nearby sounds. Twilight was thankful she didn't have the better hearing of the Pegasi. She would of attempted suicide if she did. "O-o-oh my!" Fluttershy gasped. "That's-"

"Yes." Twilight's horn crackled to life, cursing the very origins, ancestors and being of the mage as she channeled her magic to silence the sounds around her. Twilight's proven mana reserves and abilities to shuffle through spell matrixes were in the top one hundred of all non-divine creatures in Ungulia. All three hundred million of them, and she was climbing up that list every year. It didn't do anything to make a fatigued, horny, hungry, hungover, edgy, barely awake unciorn cast the spell that much easier.

Okay, she was lying astronomically to herself with the above statement: it made casting a sound canceling spell vastly easier and it would've made most specialized casters faint. It still made her even more fatigued, horny, hungry, hungover and edgier.

It did wake her up a bit though, and it did remind her of how incredibly talented she was. She did however, make a note to learn ways to save drunken mana drain. It could come in handy in the future.

The silence of nothing but herself and Fluttershy, was bliss. "Yes," she said once more. "They are enjoying themselves, aren't they, Fluttershy? I'm just peachy that I didn't get to have anything, aren't you?"

"I'm enjoying having you around me, even if... ouch." Whatever force or fire Fluttershy had drunk was gone. She had an awful hangover by the way she buried her snout into Twilight's cutie mark. "My head."

"I'm sorry, Fluttershy," Twilight whispered. There was no such thing as a headache curing spell, and Fluttershy simply had not drank enough fluids or eaten enough, despite knowing better. "Would you like me to get you something?"

Fluttershy shook her head, nuzzling into the warmth of her friend's flank. "I'd like to sleep more, if you don't mind?" She opened an eye to look up at the smiling Twilight, feeling her own smile gently spread across her muzzle. "And if... you didn't move, that'd be better than anything." What came out of Fluttershy's muzzle was close to an owl's trill. It was an arrow of cuteness shot at Twilight's heart.

"How can I say no to that?" Twilight replied, stroking gently across Fluttershy's stomach. "And while food and water sound really good right now, sleeping for a few more days sounds... wonderful." She didn't know what time it was or cared to know in fact. They were in Canterlot, and whatever plans and jobs they had today were on hold. And maybe for the rest of the week, at this rate.

"Yay." Fluttershy hummed, rubbing her nose up her friend's cheek until her snout rested once more on top of Twilight's cutie mark. "I'm glad Pinkie Pie and Applejack are having fun too. They deserve it. I'm just glad to wake up with you."

Twilight could not keep her ears from wilting at the raw peace coming from her friend's lips. "That's so sweet, Fluttershy, thank you. I feel much better having you around me too. I just can't promise feeling that way when we all are together again."

A painfully pure giggle escaped Fluttershy's muzzle. "Oh I don't think I'll be all flowery either. Tell you what. Let's yell at them later today for leaving us out dry. I know we don't have a good reason to other than we were to tired, but it sounds fun. Just you, and me. I'd really enjoy that." Fluttershy could not help but have the smallest of smirks appear on the corner of her muzzle.

Twilight grinned back, closing her eyes as she inhaled gently through her nose, smelling the scent of her friend. The logic of Fluttershy's statement made no sense. It was why it made even more sense. "That'd be fun. I just hope Spike is doing okay." She snorted at her own statement. "Of course he is."

"He'll be fine," Fluttershy cooed. "He's thirteen now. He can take care of himself."

Chapter Twenty One: Ravenous Rutting Reflections

Chapter Twenty One: Countdown To Insanity

The Elements had relocated themselves to the rented room that didn't smell like a mare musk grenade had been dropped inside of it. At least those four ponies had the courtesy to bathe. And to use mouth wash. The smell was going to take an awful lot of steam cleaning to get out of the floor.

Invictus was truly a marvelous place: part casino, night club, pub, and adult hotel; it had hundreds of years of history, sword fights, and drug raids behind it, and yet it still stood. Now it had the dubious honor of being the place where the Elements of Harmony had given the hoof to personal purity. It was an overrated virtue. It whined about every little thing they did wrong; it complained they weren't staying true to their younger selves; it pleaded for them to be the sparkling bastions of excellence to Equestria that they were supposed to be.

Well that had changed. Change livened up things a bit. The annoying bastard known as Purity thought it could stop nineteen and twenty year old mares from enjoying life. Purity complained to Fate about the Elements no longer following it, and Fate had told Purity to shove it up its puffy pony pucker. It was destined for the mares to become the utterly unknown concept known as Normal. To have the basic desire to swear, drink, and have sex. Normal gave wonderful oral. Purity didn't swallow. It was jealous of Normal. It was why Fate wanted and got its divorce, and married Normal. Purity committed suicide later that year.

The Mane Six had moved to Twilight's and Fluttershy's room, finding places to lay down and eager to begin the meeting that was bound to happen with the life changing events that had just preceded them. It had been a day of change and chaos. It was early afternoon and they were all just getting up. For a bit. Sleep was awfully delicious next to food and water.

They didn't even think about their jobs. Those could wait a few weeks.

Twilight Sparkle, the leader of her band of misfit, formerly molesting mares, looked around at her fellow Elements.

Her focal point was the two mares that were considered the mutually agreed upon primary goal of the night, and they looked exceedingly happy and at peace. Rarity and Rainbow Dash laid on the extended couch bed pressed against the wall, and were in a blended state of sedation, fatigue, warmth, and dare they admit it, a pinch of love. They had only recently gone from two friends who liked each other well enough - but didn't quite consider themselves good friends - to something more akin to best friends with a bit of something extra, literally overnight. It was a shocking revelation for everypony involved, more so the two mares themselves.

It still stunned Twilight. There would always be dozens of hobbies and personality traits that Rarity and Rainbow would never have in common, but at the current hour, it all seemed to be possible. And by Celestia's silky legs, they were adorable right now.

Rainbow Dash laid on her stomach, her right wing splayed protectively over Rarity as she laid on her side. She scratched her left forehoof contently into Dash's toned neck, while Rainbow rested her muzzle tiredly in her own forehooves. They were clean and slightly damp from their post shower - and post night and post morning - fun, and had all of their former tension melted away from their frames. Rarity’s purple mane had gone back to its post spa treatment style, rolling down her cheeks and shoulders to faintly curl at the tips. Rainbow’s own hailstorm of furious colors danced like braided beads from Rarity’s neck and shoulders to down her back and chest, caking her in a curtain of shimmering hues. Rainbow's mane had been unlocked and allowed to become fifty coils of untamed thunder, and seeing her relaxed by Rarity made Twilight feel like the lightning heart of Rainbow Dash, had finally been tamed.

It should have been banned by international treaty at how the two mares had become… cute. How the tails of the two mares laid on top of one another in a manner of personal trust was just an added eye twitch of diabetes.

Pinkie Pie and Applejack on the other hoof looked like two best friends who had just woken up from a night of partying and hastily remembered that bathing was a moderately good idea. However, they weren’t affectionate in the manner Rarity and Rainbow were. They had two hooves of space between them as they made two pillows their home. Their tails rested on each other’s hindquarters, like best friends showing their concern and affection for one another.

It was odd that they were more beat up than their less biologically blessed kin. Pinkie Pie looked like she had been smacked down mentally, but by the zoned out expression on her pillow resting muzzle, it was a physical curb stomping she needed.

Applejack was currently a shining example of a pony shot with a half strength  tranquilizer. The high was mighty fine, if she was asked about it. With the way her flowing, golden wheat of hair waved down her back, and the fluttering Eden in her eyes and muscle posture, she was in paradise.

Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle were not amused by the unsedated inferno that was wailing to get out of their groins, but by Tartarus’ tailhole, how could they be that angry when their peers were being so, damn, cute? It must of been what they  looked like when they did something that made a heart skip a beat.

They had rightfully claimed the princess sized bed as their own, and both were resting side by side, intent to ponder about their peers. They were frustrated only a few minutes ago. Twilight would almost certainly be frustrated soon enough.

With a sticky note pad beside her - being the best thing she could write down an abridged transcript of the meeting on - Twilight tapped her forehoof on the tiny bundle of paper. “I hereby call the Conclave of Clop to order,” Twilight said resolutely. While none of the mares present were firing on all cylinders, it was impossible for them not to slowly turn their gazes toward her. “Meeting of Masturbation? Diddling Debate? Hooving Huddle? Pussy Parley?”

“Hah!” Rainbow Dash balked, lifting up her muzzle. “That last one is totally a me name. Nice. I approve.”

Twilight's cheeks flushed red at the faint smiles appearing over the muzzles of her friends. “I don’t think anypony in this room is exactly clear headed this morning." She stumbled. "Afternoon. Whatever time it is."

She scratched the back of her mane with a forehoof, feeling the locks part and sway. "Sorry for the vulgarity, and... for swearing yesterday. And the yelling. But I have my reasons to be peeved!” Twilight thudded both her forehoof and tail on her mattress, but was left unsatisfied with the lack of a solid sound of anger. She folded her forehooves in disgust, but it only made the pouting on her face one that just didn’t do justice for her discontent. It did look adorable though.

Fluttershy wrapped her right wing over Twilight's back, stroking through her friend’s coat. She slowly let the wing nubs massage Twilight’s sides. It had an instantaneous effect of relaxing the unicorn quickly. Maybe, just maybe, Fluttershy could cure cannabis blues, alcohol hangovers, and sexual frustration. “Twilight,” Fluttershy said, “yesterday, a lot happened.”

“Say that again.” Pinkie hiccuped, dragging her tongue over her pillow.

Applejack placed her forehoof where Pinkie’s tongue was about to land. “You don’t lick pillows, Pinkie. Lick this.”

“Yesterday, a lot happened,” Fluttershy continued, “and well, I don’t think any of us expected it to happen the way it did. It went from a night out to… umm… Twilight? Can you think of a sentence for me?”

“It went from a night that was simply going to be a gossip filled extravaganza to where the six of us showed that whatever moral high ground we could once hold to future generations has been completely thrown out the window. And now we have to deal with the fact that we do, in fact, have genitalia and the urge to use them for less than evolutionary designed purposes.” Twilight smiled brightly, overjoyed at her half rattled brain able to properly use itself, despite its current state of affairs.

Before Rainbow Dash could comment on her mastery of not using her foal maker for foal making purposes, Fluttershy responded.

“Umm, Twilight,” she began, “I’m not sure if you know this - but I’m pretty sure that you do - but herd breeding was considered the norm for equines all the way up until we started settling down.”

“But what does-”

“Ever since we’ve become sentient, that instinct has diminished, since while we still outnumber colts two to one, the evolutionary need for us to protect them from predators doesn’t exist anymore.”

Twilight was sputtering at getting lectured by a friend on a subject she knew well. Her other friends could not keep themselves from being bemused, lifting up their muzzles to listen out of perked interest. “Wait a-”

“So what I’m getting at,” Fluttershy said firmly, her tail smacking on the bed, “if you didn’t interrupt me, is that with modern society we’ve become sexually fluid and don’t fight to the death often. That balances out what would normally be a lot of dead mares in nature due to war and colts fighting for us with lesbianism. It leaves more stallions and mares open, and lets those who want to have foals have more choices. It means a lot of us who would die early live on.”

She laid down on her side, her silky smooth pink mane trundling down her shoulders and snout. “So you are wrong, Twilight. From an evolutionary view, it’s wonderful.”

As soon as she was finished, a mouse like squeak echoed from her throat. Fluttershy looked up at her friend as her muzzle buried itself in her forehooves. Her aqua eyes watered quickly, pleading up at Twilight. “I didn’t mean to snap at you!” Fluttershy cried. “Oh my gosh-I am so sorry Twilight-I think I’m just really needy-and still hungover-so I got so smug of myself-and since that’s something I like talking about-oh my gosh-don’t kill me!”

All that could be heard in the room, was the slow, loud, solid clop of Rainbow’s forehooves pressing together, echoing in their ears. Her posture had become more upright, and what filled her magenta eyes could only be described as awe. “Fluttershy just owned Twilight in a way I didn’t even know was possible,” she whispered sacredly. “Flutters’, you are my wingsister, forever.”

Whatever earlier promise Twilight made about restraining her curse words for the coming day was - much like Purity in front of a train - dead. “Buck you, Rainbow Dash,” she growled, her tail lashing behind herself. There was only so far one could push a sexually pent up, hung over, intellectually corrected purple unicorn, and Rainbow dangerously crossed that line.

Although... when she thought about it...

Much like how Applejack felt Twilight’s burden on the world, Pinkie Pie felt personal peace, Rainbow was slowly opening herself emotionally, and Rarity was learning that ‘winging’ it from time to time wasn’t a bad idea, perhaps she was learning that Rainbow and Applejack level cursing was… stress relieving. She had to admit, every time she let one fly, it calmed her down. Near enough to the level of Pinkie’s sweets or mass produced junk food, but enough for it to be more than the placebo effect for sure. There had been quite a few studies on how swearing helped convey emotion, control anger, and how intellectual accomplishments didn't alter how much a pony cursed.

Besides, she had the perfect tonal stress to make them sound just deadly on her tongue, and she knew it. Nopony would expect it from her, and added to her verbose vocabulary…

The irony that the letter to Celestia she would almost certainly write in the very near future, was going to headline with her talking about how swearing was mentally calming, had to be pushed into the maximum security section of her mind.

“Let’s… not talk about bucking?” Rainbow wilted, her ears folding beside her frame. Clearly, whatever her and Rarity did had drained a good bit of her bravado; it was unlike her to back down in a verbal spar with Twilight. Or anyone, baring making her blush. "Not that... last night-"

"and this morning. Twice-" Rarity hummed.

"-wasn't bad."

“Here here,” Pinkie whimpered, burying her snout underneath her pillow.

“Sorry, Rainbow,” Twilight sighed, doing the soul sedating gesture Cadance had given her. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I'm just pent up, since you all got to relax while Fluttershy and I were passed out.”

She turned her muzzle to nuzzle affectionately into Fluttershy’s cheek, listening to the faint whimpers coming from the pegasus’ snout. “And it’s okay, Fluttershy. We all are… different today. A lot has happened. Like you've said.”

“And ya have every right to be pissed at us,” Applejack said, twirling a forehoof through her blond mane. “Here we four are, doin’ ourselves, and you were left dry. This was supposed to be your night, but… we twisted yer nipples and fiddled our fiddles an’ well… shoot. It’s my fault the most. I’m sorry, Twilight.” Her eyes stared down at the floor solemnly. “I didn’t know I was this bad of a first date. Guess that’s why datin’ isn’t for me."

The comment forced Twilight to stand up on the bed, staring down Applejack sternly. “Don’t say that about yourself, Applejack! In fact, you were the one who kept on checking on Fluttershy and me the whole night. You’re funny, and smarter than you give yourself credit for. You’re always concerned about me, and… and other things that make me hurt thinking about right now."

She waved a forehoof at the thought. "It doesn't matter that we didn't do anything, Applejack, and maybe something will happen, or maybe not. It doesn't matter, because when you all have fun... I have fun."

"Look," she sighed, "I know I didn't exactly 'get' any last night, but I had an incredible time that was... unforgettable. I had so much fun with you all, as I always do. Even when you drive me crazy and I don't sound like I did." She chuckled. "Because I'm going to be really honest here: I secretly enjoy watching you all do stupid things and fight, and then coming in and pulling you all apart. That was about half of my fun yesterday."

Rainbow Dash opened her muzzle, closed it, then opened it again. "I... wow. That's slightly dark of you, Twi'."

"We... we did kind of drag her around," Applejack said. "I think she kinda deserves that right."

"Not going to lie," Rarity said, clicking her tongue, "she did have that right yesterday. The three of us made buffoons out of ourselves."

Twilight sat down on her rump, inhaling peacefully through her nose. "However, I needed that. We needed that. We all were asinine for a bit yesterday, but there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, a pony needs to escape, and do something completely different from what they would normally do. You all have shown me that time and time again. We let loose, had a blast, and maybe learned a few lessons about who we are, what we're capable of, and how freakin' nuts we all are."

"Yeah," Pinkie whistled, "I told you all on the train how you all are coco, but nopony listened to me! We're all insane in our own special way. So that means we aren't special at all." She blinked. "How... depressing."

“I think we need to make a new Elements of Harmony rule,” Twilight said, smiling at her friends. “Things never go as planned with us. Ever. Whenever we do something, something screws up in the process. And… and if you want my thoughts on it? I think it’s really hilarious!”

Her chest began to heave, Twilight bursting out into hysterics as she rolled around on the bed, laughing as if one of the best jokes in history had ever been told. “Like... how the planned Applejack and Rainbow kiss went way deeper than it was supposed to!”

“That was planned?” Rarity gasped, staring at Rainbow Dash. “Certainly looked like an awful lot of improvising went on there. Could've fooled me!”

“W-w-well.” Rainbow squished her snout into her own neck meekly, a burning red matching Applejack's muzzle from across the room. “It was done to... you know... throw you off? And is Twilight going insane again?”

Twilight flailed her hooves as if she were falling from the sky, speaking both Equish, Neightin, and incoherent gibberish at the same time. Tears streaked down her cheeks at the barking laughter pouring from her mouth.

“Most likely,” Pinkie whimpered, thudding her snout onto the floor. “Everypony, prepare your rumpholes for whatever tentacle monster Twilight is about to summon. I’ll miss you girls, because I think I have about two rounds left in me before I die.” She sniffled. “At least I had the best sex of my life beforehoof.”

Applejack couldn't help but smile as she nuzzled gently into Pinkie's cheek. "Aww, sugarcube! I was rusty as Hades, but that means more than a thousand apples to me that I made ya that happy. You were as killer as I knew you'd be!"

Rainbow turned her muzzle toward Rarity. "So... I guess they did it too? And you'd think what we did was impossible."

"You know, Rainbow dear, I think at this point Twilight really speaks the truth." Rarity smiled softly. "We, are walking bastions of the different and how-in-the-hay-do-you-all-get-along?" She shrugged. "I'm fine with that."

“Or when I was hitting on Pinkie Pie so hard, I could’ve forced myself on her in the train!” Twilight had become a cackling, wheezing wreak by this point, eventually falling off the bed from her squealing, and yet all the more keen to keep on doing it.

Pinkie wrapped around Applejack needingly, burying her muzzle into the stout neck of her friend. “And I’m her first target. I don’t know if I should be happy or scared. Can I be both? Why do I have rapidly cycling cyclothymia?” Pinkie burst out into tears, sobbing herself raw into Applejack’s neck.

Fluttershy had leaped underneath Rarity’s and Rainbow’s tails, taking half of the sheets of the bed with her to escape the madness consumed unicorn screaming herself raw at an invisible joke. “What do we do!? I’m scared. I've never seen Twilight like this!”

“Or… or when you four were making out with each other! And Applejack and I were just… watching!” Twilight was hitting octave ranges that even Pinkie Pie struggled to reach consistently, slamming her body and limbs on the floor as if she was having the worst seizure ever seen in history.

Rainbow Dash shook her head, her wing holding onto Rarity’s side as she held Rarity tightly against her thick coat. “Prepare, Fluttershy,” she said somberly. “Prepare.”

Applejack’s green eyes scanned her four coherent friends quickly as she stroked through Pinkie’s mane. “Alright. I got a plan. What we have ta do, is when she stops, we have ta hit her on the horn. Knock her out like we did before.” Her friends nodded in unison. “We’ll just have to think of somethin’ after as to why. Not important now. We-”

“I just had an orgasm!” Reborn by her baptism of overly stimulated organs, Twilight shrieked as she pressed the lower half of her body underneath the bed, her muzzle as solar flaring red as could be possible over her violet cheeks.

All five of her friends screamed at the sudden shout, sending them tumbling together into a five pony pile of mismatched colors and limbs on the floor. Tails and frames became a broken sheet of color, forming a scrap pile of fear stricken heroines.

All that was heard, was the panting of six very confused mares.

Five of them pulled themselves apart to look at their catatonic, half drooling, twitching leader that had slithered everything under her stomach underneath the bed. They stared at her in a vortex of fear, perplexment, and dare they admit it, curiosity.

In the defense of her berserk cackling and sudden howl, Twilight let out a trained, shy, red cheeked squee. It was the best she could do, in addition to curling her forehooves toward her chest. Her left eye twitched. “T-t-too much pressure on the stomach and hamstrings. M-m-muscle contraction. Stress. Laughed it off. Went insane. Feel better. Oh gosh my tail. Is this what you all feel like? Give me forty five minutes? Shower sounds nice, and maybe a bit more. Food would be nice. I’ll be better!”

By the time she finished, the other Elements of Harmony had galloped out the door as if their friend was about to use her magic for ill-repute. It was for the best.

An hour later, everything was back to normal. As normal as hung over, sex depleted, drug deprived, binge eating mares could be. Thirty hours after their most controversial adventure had begun, perhaps it would finally begin winding down. There was only so much their bodies could take. Then again, they had battled gods, so their bodies had a damn good track record.

With pub fries, mini pizzas, gallons of water, onion rings, a dozen salads and another dozen desserts of all shapes and sizes inside of them, the famous fillies looked… happy. Binge eating and sex tended to make one happy. Or not.

One thing was for sure: none of them were going to be very productive over the next week. They were all thankful they had jobs they didn’t get fired from easily, and happened to be extremely good in their chosen fields. Fate loved supporting its chosen children. It didn’t hurt they were all good to glance at from behind. Fate got a bit perverted thanks to Normal.

They had returned to Fluttershy’s and Twilight’s room after ensuring a good candle was lit to prevent the smell of Magic in the air. They had all had enough of that smell for one week. Instead, the smell of consumed food was a good enough aroma, and the parley that didn’t even really begin, truly began.

Twilight and Fluttershy had claimed the main bed once again, with the additional company of Applejack. Twilight rested on her side with a real pad of paper beside her and a quill as she tended to do. Her posture was much like everypony else in the room, that of physical and mental calmness. The events were blurring together, and it was a lovely smoothie.

Applejack leaned on her, back to back, perhaps in a subconscious attempt to rectify her abandonment. Her mane half sprawled over Twilight’s frame as a make shift blanket. Fluttershy had curled herself up into a butter colored ball of pony at the end of the bed, quietly giggling to the back laying and slightly pregnant looking Pinkie Pie resting at the base of the bed. The two ‘love birds’ of the room, if Twilight wished to get a hoot seeing their reactions, had once again reclaimed their sofa bed.

That was a wonderful place to begin the meeting. “Before we begin,” Twilight chimed,  “we have two things to talk about. The first: did you all know it’s already two thirty? Do we plan on doing anything tonight? Or... you know... catching a train home?”

The five other mares in the room glanced at each other silently, pondering the statement. They shook their heads.

“Good,” Twilight smiled. “A unanimous vote on not doing anything, and throwing the consequences of our laziness until tomorrow. I’m sure you are proud, Rainbow Dash.”

“It’s worked for me from time to time," Dash boasted, scratching at her chest fur idly. "And come on, I think we plan on taking a nap after this anyways. Another nap.” She tilted her snout to the side. "So... what’s part two?”

Like Rainbow Dash had only moments before, Twilight preened. “I had two incredible orgasms in the shower, and I feel really, really good.” Her friends began to stare at her, only to be counter glared at by Twilight's glowing amethyst eyes radiating magic. “I had to listen to four this morning, so the least I can say is that I enjoyed myself when you all were getting food and stretching. Deal, with it.”

With her friends ears folding in acceptance, Twilight continued, flicking her tail up and down in silent victory. “Time for part two of the Pussy… Parley.” She giggled, soon enough joined by the immature chuckles of her friends. “So how about we start with you two, Miss Dash and ‘Gemma’.”

Rainbow’s right wing once again hung over Rarity’s frame to show her instinctive need to protect her recent partner. She repressed a hiccup in shock at the sudden question thrown her way, but the glowing ruby that began to cover her - and soon enough Rarity's - cheek told as much as their silence did.

Twilight continued to play the evil overlord. “So,” she grinned, “Fluttershy and Pinkie said you pretty much were dancing like maniacs, and then kissed, and then decided to do a lot more. Since Applejack and I's plan came to fruition, I want details. Lots of them.”

“Yes,” Pinkie purred. She tapped her forehooves together rapidly. “Excellent, Twilight.”

“Pinkie!” Rainbow shot, her cheeks burning a furious flame, “I… damn it. Okay... Fine! Jeez.” Dash looked at Twilight sheepishly for a moment. “Rarity and I had… like... the best dance off in history of ever last night. I… I don’t have the ability to describe it in Equish, so I won’t.”

“I, however, can remedy that,” Rarity said, patting Rainbow's muzzle. “Twilight. After all the stress that I went through, and all that planning, and drinking, smoking, et cetera, et cetera, you could say by the time Rainbow and I got into our little hissy fit, I needed a way to vent. I still think you two would make a wonderful couple, but perhaps last night… showed me a few things.”

Rarity rested her lightly curled tail on top of the thickly haired rainbow of Rainbow's own. She smiled sweetly at the pegasus, who returned it with both a faint smile, and a warm glow across her cheeks. “Maybe you were right, Twilight,” she said. “Maybe I need a pony who can tell me when I’m going off the deep end and just help me let loose; and maybe Rainbow Dash needs a pony to give her a bit of order.

"But most importantly,” she poked Dash with a forehoof on her nose, “a pony who has the drive to help someone love themselves. It seems to be a task Rainbow here commonly struggles with, despite how much we tell her otherwise.”

Applejack shuffled herself forward, hanging her forehooves off of the bed. “So are ya two?...”

“I don’t know what we are,” Rainbow said. She glanced at Rarity, concerned she would get a negative response. She was reassured with a positive smile. “Much closer friends, for sure. We put ourselves out there dancing, and well... I think we like what we saw. We’re not sisters from a different mother like you and me, AJ. But… we’ll work something out, and we're different. Wing it, you know?”

Fluttershy lifted up her muzzle from her forehooves, closing her eyes contently. “It’s all you can do. See what happens and don’t regret anything. We’re still best friends despite Flight School, Rainbow, and you and Pinkie are too. I’m sure it’ll be interesting, to say the least.”

“Interesting?” Pinkie giggled. “More like thegreatest soap opera of the century!”

“Lovely bit of confidence you have for us, Pinkie.” Rarity’s eyes turned into small slits of glowing blue.

Rainbow's cherry colored eyes matched Rarity's glare. “Thanks, Pinkie. Way to be a puffy plothole there.”

“No no no, you don’t get it,” Pinkie said, sitting upright. “I mean with the hot bodies, sex, make outs, business mergers; the good stuff. Although, Rarity would make a good murderer and Rainbow could always be the boyfriend that threatens people who get in her way.”

“So how did it feel with Applejack’s hoof up your rear?” Dash snorted out a wisp of steam from her nose.

Twilight frowned at the budding argument, her quill hovering in the air. “Stop it you two. We-”

“Great!” Pinkie yawned happily. “Man, she’s just talented with-”

“It was alovely time.” Applejack jumped on top of Pinkie Pie, half squishing her underneath Applejack's girth. A rumbling belch escaped from her improvised pillow, sending out a wave of giggles from the other four mares in the room.

"It was lovely," Applejack mumbled. “Lovely. Really lovely. So Flutter-”

“I’m fine, Applejack.” Fluttershy slowly grinned, uncurling herself. “Just a bit cranky, but I’ll be okay once everything goes back to normal, and I go home and ask my critters for advice. Twilight and I just snuggled is all, and as wonderfully beautiful she is, I’m not looking for anypony at the moment, even though Twilight would be very high on that list."

She smiled gently at Twilight, receiving a soft giggle back in return. "But this isn’t about me, now is it?” She winked at Rarity deviously.

“You aren’t dodging this one, Applejack,” Rarity gleamed, leaning into Rainbow. “Come now, dear. Did you really enjoy yourself, and what is the status of your… relationship? This came out of nowhere.”

Applejack bit her bottom lip, but it only added to the faintly dark pleasure that her friends were getting. “I… I-”

“Big words, Applejack,” Twilight tittered, smacking her tail onto Applejack's flank.

“Aww, shit,” she spat, “it was damn fun, but Pinks and I are just friends who had a fond fondlin’ is all. We both needed it like you did, Rarity and Rainbow. I love her like I love all of you. She just… has talents. With partyin’.”

“Oh ho ho, I have more than talent by the way you thought you could treat me like your pet poodle!” Pinkie adjusted herself to lay more comfortable on her stomach. It was a repeat of several scenes only a few hours ago. “I may lean towards the bottom, but without your rope you just can’t hold a pink Pie still!”

The statement hovered in the air, resulting in six mares smiling, giggling, chuckling, and soon enough, bursting into laughter, panting for air at the wordplay.

Perhaps, at last, they would be able to return home once the next morning came, and they could continue on with their lives, and fondly remember this series of unfortunate events as two days they would never forget.

It was not to be. At least the going home part.

By the time the mares had settled down their cries of euphoria into tired coos of gay delight, a long piece of paper had slid itself underneath their door. It was a thick and dense piece of papyrus that curled in on itself once it had been fully pushed inside of the room. Missing it would be impossible.

“And here comes the bill that is certainly about to give me a minor stroke, but alas, we deal with what we must in life.” Rarity sighed aloud, her magic pulsating to life to pick up the note. "At least I have you, Dashie dear, to hug and fluff and squeeze until I want to squeeze you to death.' She wrapped a forehoof gently around Rainbow's toned chest, giving her a soft hug.

“I’m not letting you pay all of that,” Rainbow stated, her wing squeezing Rarity's side in return.

A squeak of protest came out of Rarity's muzzle at the firmness of the grope, eyeing her molester. “You, of all ponies, are offering to pay the bill? I thought we called last night-”

“-and this morning-”

“-and this morning even? Besides, yes, things did go overboard, but a promise is a promise, and I’m going to keep to it.”

Twilight gave the note a gentle tug with her own magic, half wanting to see the charges, and half wanting to troll with her friend’s grasp. The expected glare from Rarity sadistically amused a tiny but growing part of Twilight’s mind. “Rainbow’s right. If we can help, we’re going too.”

“I’m sorry,” Fluttershy whimpered, “but I spent most of mine recently on animal rescue missions in Zebrica. I might sell drugs, but I give the money to good causes.”

Pinkie Pie shrugged, causing Applejack to fall off of Pinkie Pie. “And I’m a baker. Money? I spend it all on parties for ponies and just making folks laugh. And cocaine of course!” Her friends turned quickly to face her. “I was joking,” she said flatly. “Sheesh. I am a drug.”

“Damn excitable mare,” Applejack mumbled, shaking herself off as she stood up. “And as awful as it sounds, I don’t exactly have several thousand bits laying around, outside of complete emergencies. Unless… this is one,” she chuckled. “I sell cider cheap, corner the market, and give a lot of it to the extended kin, as we’ve always done in the Apple and Fruit family.”

“So that leaves Rainbow Dash, and me,” Twilight said, her magic swirling with Rarity’s in a mutual hold of the bill. “While being a librarian doesn't exactly bring in much income, I can always blackmail Celestia by saying I need to buy equipment for an experiment. Get the money, say the equipment exploded in the process, and done.”

Fluttershy's wing extended itself over Twilight's frame, stroking down her purple coat affectionately. “Twilight, sweetie, I don’t think you can ever say we lack morals ever again.”

“But Celestia is a princess! The princess of all princesses!” Twilight tapped a forehoof loudly on the bed frame, content with the crack of sound it made on the wood. “She has an estimated wealth of over fifty million bits in personal assets! Happens when you rule for over a thousand years. Hay, when I put it that way, I can blackmail her now, and tell her later!”

“No,” Rainbow growled. She glared at all of her friends, magenta orbs sparkling in the light. “I got this, and it’ll make me feel good that I helped pay for something big for once. As long as it’s like, under six G’s."

She smiled contently, thudding her tail on the sofa in sheer delight. "I spent the rest on my sound system, new guitar, amps, and that’s how I bought the flat screen. Totally worth it though.” She leaned forward to nip on Rarity’s ear, sending out a mute cry of protest from Rarity's mouth. “Now gimme it!” Dash growled, licking at the corners of her date's ears.

Twilight held onto the parchment, tilting her snout to the side at Rainbow's words. “Back up, Rainbow Dash. Where did you get that kind of money? I know you don’t have a mortgage, so that saves you a lot of money, but lead weathermare doesn’t pay anything near that.” She shuffled forward, hanging her forehooves over the bed.

Rainbow wasn’t doing a good job at trying to cover herself. “U-u-uhh writing for sports magazines!” Her wings flapped behind herself, despite her best intentions to get them to cease. “I might not have a degree, but come on, I’m nationally known for my fitness, and I got sponsors from major health companies.”

“No you don’t,” Fluttershy said, stroking a forehoof through Twilight's side. “You’ve told me you don’t want to compete until you get into the Wonderbolts. You want to compete then, since you’ll... well... as you put it, ‘be double famous’.”

"And while you do private and public air shows," Twilight continued, smirking at her squirming friend, "I can't see you making a fortune off of it. You've said it to us to you don't want to be famous until you feel you're ready for it."

Pinkie Pie snorted in amusement. "Heh. Dash does private 'shows'."

“F-f-fluttershy! Twilight!" The blush across Dash’s snout grew as her friends looked at her with bemusement. Her lips pouted, the pegasus struggling to think of a coherent sentence or excuse, but she came up blank. “U-u-uhh my dad! I wanted to do some renovations and maybe I lied-”

“Tell the damn truth, Dash,” Applejack rumbled. She trotted over to Rainbow, pressing her muzzle into Dash's own.  “Get it out, cause if ya did something stupid, the sooner we can fix it, the sooner I can beat you up afterwards, and realize I’m just beating a dead horse.”

Saliva wormed its way down Rainbow’s throat, pleading for the five pairs of eyes staring her down to stop.

It was too much. “I posed for Playcolt!”

"Holy buck!" Pinkie gasped, "I really am freakin' psychic!" She whickered out a squeal of delight.

Twilight’s magic turned off as if the mare attached to it had been knocked out cold. Applejack’s legs collapsed underneath her, and Fluttershy did her best to hide underneath her new violet furred blanket.

“You did what!?” Rarity screamed, sending Rainbow tumbling onto the ground and on top of Pinkie Pie and Applejack. Dash inadvertently gave a fantastic - and well known - crotch shot to the flailing unicorn. “You posed for Playcolt? Why?! How? How did you get in? When? What were you thinking?”

“I wasthinking about the ten grand they paid me,” Rainbow said, sprawling on her downed comrades, smacking her tail into Pinkie’s sides. “And come on, posing is easy. Hey, go to that rock, now lift yourself up. Move your tail, show yourself. Fly a bit harder. Rub yourself.”

“Rub yourself?” With a furious crackle of energy, Rarity pulled Rainbow up with her magic, hovering her in the air and more than purposely exposing the bits of the ‘model’ to the other four Elements in the room. “Just like that? What will your fans think? The young ones?”

“That I helped them get in ‘harmony’ with their crotches when they grow up?" Rainbow blinked down at her scowling, snarling former bed mate. "It was bound to happen to them anyways, and come on, half of ponies who see me use me as masturbation material.

Twilight simply began to stroke her forehead again. "So, I was wondering: why are we considered the heroes of Equestria again?"

"Because being a hero doesn't mean you have to be perfect, Twilight." Fluttershy nuzzled herself contently into Twilight's neck. "It just means you have to go to scary places, encounter monsters and gods, and win."

Rainbow Dash mumbled at her friends. "Why don't you try keeping yourself in check with money, good music, and hot stallions 'n mares around you egging you on. And how did I get in? Uhh, hello? One of two living ponies with a rainbow colored mane? Incredible body? Sonic Rainboom? And like… a month ago.”

“Well you’re frank about it now,” Applejack huffed, stabbing Rainbow with a forehoof. Her emerald eyes turned into pinpricks. “Wait a second. weren’t you in the Wonderbolt’s camp by then?”

Dash spat a litany of curses that made her friends wince at her creative use of meteorology and mating. “I never thought of that!”

And yet, as annoyed as she was, she quickly shrugged as much as the magical grasp let her. “Ahh well, not like it’ll hurt me.”

Twilight’s magic encapsulated Rainbow Dash, Rarity more than willingly pulling back her own force to not feel a backlash from Twilight's much stronger abilities. Rarity made sure to whiplash Rainbow with a smack of force across her cheek before letting go, watching the bondaged mare wince.

“What do you mean it won’t hurt you, Rainbow?” Twilight growled. “You could get kicked out for that!”

“Okay, first off, put me down, because I’m too tired to be used as a sex magic toy. Rarity is that amazing,” Rainbow said.

“That helps you only slightly,” Rarity rumbled.

“Second,” Dash continued, “I’m a special pony, because I’m amazingly awesome at flying, and, you know, critical hero ‘n all. Third: really? You ever spent five minutes in a military base? Sex, porn, alcohol, fart jokes, food, working out, swearing, and coffee are what keeps it ticking.”

Pinkie Pie sat herself up on the bed beside Fluttershy, laying against the mare as she let out a content hum. “I am absolutely getting that issue.”

“Pinkie!” Twilight spat, sending saliva into the eyes of earth mare. “This isn’t something to kid about!”

“And shit, in my eyes, isn’t something to kid about either!”

Pinkie Pie exploded, screeching in agony as all five of the Elements pressed themselves into the nearest surface. She stood up on her hind legs, towering above her comrades, atomic red replacing the peaceful shade of blue that was once her natural eye color. “This is getting really, freakin’ old guys. Anywhere, but the eyes. Always, the eyes. Spit in my eye, drip in my eye, hair in my eye, wing in my eye. Look, here. If anything, is going in my eyes, there better be a lot of it, and it better be flavored, cause the next time something goes in my eye, something of mine's going in yours. My, hoof!”

Rainbow and Rarity were pressed together as if they were about to make love with each other. Rainbow's wings shielded Rarity's body as if a storm of arrows were about to land on Rainbow. Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight had huddled together in self defense, Applejack squeezing both of the mares to her frame. Twilight and Fluttershy were hollow images of their former selves.

With a surprisingly light sigh, Pinkie Pie landed on all fours, looking as if she had taken the longest, and most peaceful bath in her life. "So just let Dashie pay the damn bill," she said in a sickeningly affectionate tone. "Whew. I'm doing that once a day! A rage attack a day keeps the therapist away!" she tittered.

Twilight poked her head up courageously, her magic thrumming to life to gently pull the damages in bits toward her. "Let's just... umm... read the bill. And how about we all take some sleeping aids and go to sleep?"

"Good plan!" Dash blurted.

"Marvelous!" Rarity added. "I do have a wonderful mattress available to me!"

"Yay, I know where we can get those in Canterlot!" Fluttershy squeed.

"I'm considerin' drinkin' again," Applejack mumbled.

"I like turtles," Pinkie nickered gaily.

Rainbow Dash eyed Pinkie Pie curiously. "I like turtles more."

Fluttershy flicked an ear at the statement. "Umm... Tank is a tortoise."

"Shut up!" Pinkie and Rainbow said as one.

Fluttershy burst from the couch to grab her friends by the ears, yanking them up into the air as if they were foals caught stealing from her drug patch. "Don't you tell me to shut up, you-"

"All of you shut up, because it's a ransom note!" Twilight shouted.

Five mares shuttled themselves over to Twilight, pushing themselves together to read it in unison. Twilight's eyes blasted down the page quickly, sending forth a barking cackle from her throat. "And... a really bad one, and a really long one," Twilight continued. She fully unfolded the long scroll with a flick of her magic, six pairs of eyes staring at the bullet points listed in front of them.

"I mean, really?" Twilight laughed. "Dear Elements of Harmony, I know what you did last night?"

All six of the mares couldn't help but giggle together.

"I'm pretty sure half of the Undercity knows by now," Rainbow chuckled, hovering above Twilight. "Rarity and I brought the house down. I mean-"

She stopped mid sentence, cerise eyes scanning the quivering grip, stuttering exhales, and shaking, shivering muzzle of her close friend. "Twilight? Twilight, are you alright?"

Fluttershy landed behind Twilight, massaging her back and shoulders. "Twilight. Relax. Whatever they said, don't let it scare you. Applejack and Rainbow Dash can always send them to the emergency room if it's that bad."

Twilight struggled to simply hold the scroll with her magic, working only on instinct. All her body could do, was lift up a forehoof, and point to the signature.

The long list of orders, demands, suggestions, and thoughts on the scroll, were not important. Only the beginning, and end.

Dear Elements of Harmony. I know what you did last night.

Princess Celestia

The Elements of Harmony had fought, danced, sung, loved, cried, and laughed as one. For the first time, though certainly not the last, they swore, as one.

"We're, fucked."

Epic... Epilogue? Part One: One Chance To Stay Alive

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Epic... Epilogue? Part Two: Countdown To Insanity

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Epic... Epilogue? Part Three: Goodbye Reality

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