Looking for Ponyby phlamingsoulChaptersChapter One: "FOR PONY!"Chapter 2: The White Ones Are The Worst...Chapter 3: Don't Lose Your Head!Chapter 4: Nothing Is EverfreeChapter One: "FOR PONY!"Richard always loved this mountain. It’s glorious slopes, it’s snowy peak, and its wonderful habit to eat people. However, he was a little too busy running away from a particular red imp to pay attention. “YOURDOOMISATHAND!” screeched the little red imp, waving a small gold medallion energetically. “I don’t think it is. You see, my hand is quite empty,” replied Richard calmly as he sprinted away from Hctib Elttil, the red imp he was running from. “YOURSUFFERINGSHALLBENEVERENDING!” the imp roared in anger. “That doesn’t sound very fun,” admitted the undead warlock. “Killing innocents, yes, but eternal suffering? Maybe making people suffer...” “VENGEANCESHALLBEMINE!” shrieked Hctib. “That sounds fun. But I think I’ll pass,” replied Richard stoically. Upon spotting a familiar duo up ahead, he called,” Soomba! Kelly! Your assistance in this matter would be greatly appreciated.” A black panther perked up at the sound of his name and prepared to pounce on the freakishly annoying imp. However, before he could strike, his view was obstructed by the hooded figure of Kelly, a big-boned giant of a man, who also happened to be the practiced town healer. Kelly was already charging at the imp, ready to pile drive the creature into oblivion. “Ha! How do you like that!” Kelly said triumphantly as he fell onto the Imp. “IWILLKILLYOUWHENIGETBACKUP!” exclaimed the imp, trying to speak from underneath Kelly’s massive body. "Thanks for taking so long. I almost tripped you know," Richard said, walking up to Kelly’s inert form, glancing at Sooba’s sulking form. He knelt down next to the panther, saying,” Don't worry, you'll catch something before Kelly squashes it eventually.” Sooba perked up, while Kelly frowned. “I’m not that fat, you know,” stated Kelly glumly as he stood up and planted a foot on the imp’s face. “And Sooba isn't my favorite pet,” retorted Richard, turning his gaze to the monolith next to him. “Now,” he continued,” who’s a good, man-eating mountain?” He strode up to the mountain face and proceeded to give it a hug. The mountain responded by opening a massive hole where Richard was standing, sucking him into the dark abyss below. Kelly and Sooba sat in stunned silence, before Kelly spoke. “The hell just happened?” Kelly said in bewilderment. His eyes widened as he took in the full gravity of the situation. “Quick, Sooba, after him!” yelled Kelly as he charged toward the massive hole where Richard had been standing moments before. Sooba raced Kelly to the hole, leaping into it at the first opportune moment. Kelly, racing after Sooba, jumped in after, leaving a barely conscious imp lying in the dust. “Thefatmansatonme...” muttered Hctib weakly. _________________________________________________________________________ It was a marvelous day in Equestria for Prince BlueBlood. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and he was singing along in his nice, warm shower. That was until are group of misfits crashed onto his bathroom floor with a cacophony of thuds and grunts. Prince BlueBlood stuck his head out the shower curtain and shrieked like a little filly. Three beasts lay on his bathroom floor, coated in dust! The one on the bottom of the dog-pile appeared to be an ugly, vile creature in a black robe. On top of it was a large, ugly, vile creature with a ragged cloak, and on the very top...was a large black cat. BlueBlood gasped for breath. Screaming at such a pitch really takes alot out of a pony. He then charged out of the tub, in all his glory, and charged out out of the shower And raced for the door. He stopped, opened the door slowly, then bolted outside, shrieking,” GUARDS! GUARDS! A BUNCH OF MONSTERS INTERRUPTED MY SHOWER! HELP!” Richard groaned under Kelly,” Remind me to never hug a mountain again.” “Remind me not to fall on you again,” retorted Kelly. “You’re not as soft as you look, you know.” Soomba just purred contentedly. He had had a very soft landing. Kelly rolled off of Richard, despite Soomba’s displeasure, and stood up. He observed his surroundings, and stated,” It appears we are in a bathroom.” Richard got up and dusted himself off. “That would explain the...” Richard stopped, then looked at Kelly. “Was that a talking pony?” he asked. There was silence for a few seconds. “...FOR PONY!” Richard shouted, charging out of the bathroom into the hallway beyond, Soomba and Kelly right behind. And stumbled into a whole battalion of ponies. Richard’s eyes lit up. Ponies! So many ponies! So many...spears. He looked down, and sure enough, a spear was embedded in his chest. He must have run onto it. He looked back to the pony responsible for the damage, and said,” Now, I’m no physician, but there appears to be a spear in my chest.” His yellow eyes narrowed. “I hate spears,” he said icily, taking the armored pony’s face in his hands. The pony’s head erupted into flames, vaporizing its face and skull. Richard admired his headless horse, then pulled the spear out of chest. As is fell to the floor, he turned his attention to the rest of the spear-wielding ponies. “OK, who’s next?” The guards stood in stunned silence before the creature that had just incinerated their commanding officer. With his hands. They looked at each other and nodded. This homicidal maniac had to be taken down. So, they did the only truly logical thing: they stabbed their spears into Richards chest. Kelly and Sooba stood behind Richard, wondering when the guards would give up. Or die. Richard never did well with the authorities. Green blood flowed from Richard’s wounds, and adding insult to injury, he had started laughing. He laughed as orbs of fire erupted in his hands. He laughed as he brutally murdered the guardsponies closest to him. He laughed as the remainder of the guard scrambled away. He laughed as Sooba chewed on a scorched bone. He stopped laughing when Kelly poked him. “Was that really necessary?” inquired Kelly. Richard looked thoughtfully at Kelly before answering. “...Yes.” Richard stated before making for the door he assumed would lead outside. His hand wrapped around the doorknob, but he paused. He turned back to Kelly and Sooba, who were making their way through the maze of bodies to get to Richard. “Kelly, how did the ponies open the door?” “...Richard, that’s what you care about right now? You just slaughtered twenty guards-” “Seventeen. It was a bad day for me,” interrupted Richard. “Regardless,” Kelly continued,” you most likely just made enemies with a whole lot of ponies.” Kelly stopped. Then he and Richard burst into laughter. “I can’t be an enemy of ponies,” Richard said, laughing. “I love ponies.” He paused. “I love killing more, though...” he said thoughtfully. “Anyway, let’s go. I feel the need to kill more things before the day is out.” Kelly just shook his head as Richard opened the door. “This is gonna be interesting,” Kelly muttered as Richard took a step out of the threshold, Sooba and Kelly trailing behind. Chapter 2: The White Ones Are The Worst...Richard strode into the cobblestone street. All around him, technicolor ponies in extravagant apparel gaped at the strange creatures in their midst. Then the screaming started. Upon catching sight of Richard’s blood and gore stained robe, the high-class ponies burst into hysterics, sprinting away from the monsters. Richard winced. That was really high pitched screaming. He made a pony’s head spontaneously combust. He sighed. Much better. Then the screaming got louder. He sighed, making his hands burst into flames. Killing was so satisfying, but killing ponies? Then again, they were very annoying. Richard charged into a group of ponies, ready to kill everything within arms reach. He grabbed a pony’s face and ripped the skin from its head, then ripped the the bloody skull from the body to make it into a hat. Blood splattered on the cobblestone, staining the gray stone red. Lovingly admiring the skull as he placed it on his head, Richard attacked another group of ponies. He gouged out another pony’s eyes and set them on fire. He then proceeded to throw them at another pony, making the pony burst into flames. He beheaded another and tossed it to another pony, calling,” Here! Catch!” Kelly just sat on the curb, shaking his head. Sooba, on the other hand, joined in Richard’s antics, pouncing on a pony and ripping out it’s throat. “STOP, CRIMINAL SCUM!” Richard looked up from the skull he was decorating, saw ponies in armor wielding spears, and frowned. “But it’s fun! Look! I even made you a hat!,” replied Richard happily, holding up the pony skull, now decorated with dandelions and intestines. “BY THE ORDER OF HER MAJESTY, PRINCESS CELESTIA, YOU ARE HEREBY UNDER ARREST FOR MURDER!” “Yeah, about that,” said Richard, putting the skull hat on top the guard,” It’s not murder if I’m having fun.” A bit of intestines flopped down in front of the guard’s eye. “Oh, just let ‘em take us to their majesty, will ya?” Kelly called. “It’ll be a lot easier than just killing all of them,” he continued as he got up from the curb. “But a whole lot less fun,” admitted Richard. “Alright boys, take us to your leader,” Kelly said cooley to the guards. “We’re obviously in the wrong place at the wrong time, and we would appreciate being able to go home.” “Fine,” Richard and the guard said in unison. “Maybe I could kill just one?” asked Richard suddenly in an excited manner. At the glares from his companions, Richard said,” What? It’s a legitimate question.” _____________________________________________________________________________ After 23 minutes of being escorted by the guards, Richard, Kelly, and Sooba arrived at the castle. Richard had quickly established that he was not to be touched, demonstrating his marvelous ability to turn a pony into ash. The guards put as much distance as they could after that. Kelly trudged next to Sooba, whom he kept having to convince that the ponies were not, in fact, chew toys. The party stopped in front of a pair of massive oak doors. “Shall we go in?” asked the lead guard. “I’d rather not, you see,” Richard explained. “Yes, lead us on in,” declared Kelly with authority. Sooba just growled at a guard that got too close. The guard quickly rectified his mistake. The ponies opened the gate revealing a grand...hallway. “That was anticlimactic,” pointed out Richard, before marching into the hallway, Kelly and Soomba in tow. They marched through the white marble hallways, Richard whistling a merry tune. They arrived at another set of massive oak doors, which opened to reveal... a tall, white pony with wings and a horn. “That was also very anticlimactic,” commented Richard, before striding into the throne room. He strode over to Celestia as the guards closed the door behind the trio, looked her in the eyes, then turned back to Kelly. “Can we keep it?” Kelly just shook his head before addressing what he assumed to be the ruling monarch. “Uh, Queen-” “Princess is fine,” interrupted Celestia, nodding apologetically. “Uh...” Kelly was dumbfounded. He was sure that this was the ruler, but it appeared she was just a princess. “Could we, perhaps, talk to the queen?” Kelly asked hopefully. When Celestia started laughing, he turned to Richard and just shrugged. Richard had taken his skull hat back, and was currently in the process of adjusting the intestines such that it looked like hair. “There are no queens here,” explained Celestia after she stopped laughing. “Me and my sister are the diarchs of Equestria.” “Oh,” Richard and Kelly said in unison. Richard turned to Kelly. “I don’t want it anymore.” Kelly facepalmed. Leave it to Richard to declare that one of the rulers wasn’t fit to be his pet. Celestia just chuckled. “I’m afraid that even if you wanted to make me into a pet, warlock, you wouldn’t be able to.” Before Kelly could ask how Celestia had known Richard was a warlock, the door was slammed open revealing a white unicorn with a blue mane, fully clad in armor. “Your majesty, what in Equestria are you doing! You know that these monsters are guilty of murder!” He gestured angrily at the trio, eliciting a happy wave from Richard. “It’s not murder if I'm having fun!” he said happily. Celestia raised an eyebrow at Richard’s casual statement, then turned back the white unicorn. “Shining Armor, surely you cannot believe that I’m in any danger?” she asked with mock horror. Shining stiffened. “It’s my royal duty to make sure my princesses are safe. And taking into account these things’-” “Humans, and the cat’s a black panther” interrupted Kelly. Shining’s eyes narrowed. “Regardless...” he said through gritted teeth. “These...humans...killed hundreds of guards and citizens in cold blood!” “I think it was more along the lines of thirty,” said Kelly casually. “I usually kill two thousand. It’s been a bad day,” explained Richard. Shining Armor gaped in horror at the warlock. Celestia simply nodded in understanding. “I feel sorry for you. Not being able to fill your daily quota of mindless slaughter...” Celestia shook her head. “What a tragedy.” Shining Armor gaped in even more horror at the Princess. “Surely you can’t mean that...” “Of course not. Did you actually think I don't care about the lives lost at the warlock’s hands?” “Technically, Sooba helped,” pointed out Richard, before returning his full attention to the decoration of his marvelous hat. Needs a bit more...fwoosh...thought Richard as he made the hat burst into flames. His companions ignored him, instead listening to Trolles-er, Celestia’s conversation with the Captain of the Guard. “I've simply decided to meet him in person as to get a better judgement of his character.” “But Princess, surely the law requires that-” “You of all ponies know that our laws forbid the execution of any creature, regardless of their actions.” “But Princess-” “That doesn't mean his actions will go unpunished,” Celestia declared as her horn was engulfed in a glowing, yellow aura. As was Richard. Richard, who didn't like the light show one bit, decided that the easiest way out was to “fwoosh” the big, white pony. He pointed a finger at the pony and waited for his lightshow. And waited. And waited. He turned to Kelly. “I think my fwoosh is broken,” Richard pouted. Then he perked up. His fwoosh, though his favorite spell, was not the only one at his disposal. None of them worked. He'd even tried to attack the pony with a physical attack, to no avail. Whenever he got close, he would get repelled by...something. It even happened when he tried with other ponies, so it wasn't just a forcefield. “Are you having any problems, warlock?” Celestia asked calmly. “No, no, I...Yes. Please stop what you are doing so I can kill everything in the room. Except for Sooba. I need him.” “Hey, you need me too!” exclaimed Kelly. “Oh, and him. I’ll keep him alive,” Richard said, jerking a thumb at Kelly. “And what about me?” said a voice behind Richard, causing him to wheel around. Behind him stood...something. It appeared to be one of his long forgotten projects, in which he had tried to mix the body parts of hundreds of different beings into a single body. This one, however, didn't appear to speak Korean. “No, you appear to be an old project of mine, and I've killed all my projects that failed, so therefore you must die.” “Oh, I’m not one of your projects. I’m Discord, the resident draconequus and Lord of Chaos. A pleasure to meet you.” Discord extended a clawed hand, which Richard shook firmly. “On second thought, I like you. I’m Lord Richard Ashendale, Chief Warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, First Order of the Thirteen Hells, Emperor of the Black, Master of the Bones, Mistress of Magma, Lord of the Dance, and mayor of a little town up the coast. It’s a really nice place to visit during the summer,” Richard said nonchalantly, procuring a map displaying his village from his tunic and showing it to Discord. Celestia coughed politely to acquire Richard and Discord’s attention to no avail. “Lord Richard Ashendale?” she asked politely. He ignored her, instead explaining to Discord how his village was populated by the undead. Celestia sighed heavily, and after dismissing Shining Armor, materialized two buckets of cold water above her target audience. As she tilted the buckets, Discord grabbed Kelly and raised him above his head, as Richard did the same with Sooba. Discord and Richard discarded their soggy meat-shields and continued to to converse of the benefits of having an undead army at one’s disposal. “WARLOCK!” shouted Celestia, exasperated. “Yes? What do you want? Don't you know its quite rude to interrupt people’s conversations?” “I have decided that you are to be sent to Ponyville to learn about the Magic of Friendship,” declared Celestia. Richard stood thoughtfully, then said,” ...Um, that sounds excessively childish. So, how about no?” He was blinded by a flash of yellow light. After a feeling of being squeezed through a giant worms digestive tract, the light faded. Richard blinked away the spots, and looked around. He was on a train, it appeared, sitting across from Kelly and Sooba. Another flash of light and Discord appeared next to them. “You seem like a swell bunch, so I think I’ll be joining you.” “That’s nice,” said Richard, annoyed that he had been teleported onto a train against his will. “At least that white pony’s gone now. I can use my powers again, silly pony.” He pointed a finger at a white pony with with a purple mane, intent on causing it to collapse into a steaming pile of ash. Instead, it’s mane caught fire, causing it to run out of the train car, screaming about a ruined mane style. Richard stared at his hands and sighed. “I really don’t like that white pony.” “Which one?” asked Discord nonchalantly. “All of the ones in authority ,” replied Richard sourly. “So, Discord, what made you join us?”Kelly asked curiously. “I like messing with Celestia. After all, if it was up to her, Richard wouldn’t be able to do any spells.” “What do you mean?” Kelly and Richard asked in unison. “Well, Celestia has a big thing against killing, so she cast a spell preventing Richard from killing or causing harm to her precious ponies. I...tweaked the spell, so that harm could still be done, but death is still a big no-no. Allow me to explain.” He jerked a thumb at the door through which the white pony had run. “You made Rarity’s hair burst into flame, which to most would be considered an improvement, but to her it was a heinous crime. Before you ask who she is, she’s one the ponies you’ll have to learn the magic of friendship from.” “Let’s hope this whole scenario boils over before we get to Ponyville,” said Kelly, petting Soomba absentmindedly. “Her hair wasn’t boiling, it was burning,” pointed out Richard. “How did you not catch that?” Discord put a reassuring hand on Richard’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. I don’t believe idiocy is contagious.” Kelly’s eyes narrowed, then he shrugged. He’d been called stupid before. “By idiot, are you referring to the medical or social definition of the term?” he asked nonchalantly. “Medical,” replied Discord in an even tone. Kelly frowned. This wasn’t the reaction he had been expecting. Being dumbfounded? Yes. Stammering? Yes. But a logical answer? This Discord... was gonna be an interesting fella to be around. The rest of the trip was relatively uneventful, Richard explaining to Discord about his adventures and his various acquaintances, and Discord explaining to Richard and Kelly about the different races and history of Equestria. The train shuddered to a stop at the Ponyville Station. “Well, shall we go on?” asked kelly to his companions. Discord just shrugged and said, “Lets get this over with.” Chapter 3: Don't Lose Your Head!Richard led the way down out of the train, observing his surroundings as he went. The town was a bit too brightly colored for his tastes. It needed to be a bit more...red. And burning. “Hey, there!” Richard turned towards the sound of the voice, and observed the purple unicorn waving at him frantically. Richard decided right then and there it would be in his best interest to stay as far away from this hyperactive pony as possible. Richard strode past the her, making sure to avoid eye contact. Instead, he made a beeline towards a blue pony with blue/white hair. Surely this one can’t be as crazy as the purple one... Richard stood before the pony, smiling slightly. A smile that was hidden by the cloth over his face. “Hello, pony. I’m Richard. What’s your name?” “...C...Colgate...” The blue pony stammered as she looked up at Richard. Richard frowned. “Like the toothpaste? I never met a pony named after toothpaste before...Unless I have. I never did bother to ask those ponies’ names...” Richard commented thoughtfully. “Wha...What ponies?” Colgate asked, slowly backing away from the creepy creature. “Oh, just the guards and innocents that I killed in Canterlot. No biggie. So, want to be friends?” Colgate ran screaming away from the crazy homicidal monster. “I’ll take that as a yes!” Richard called after her. Her turned to Kelly, who had walked up to Richard during the conversation. “Do you think we can go back now?” “No,” Kelly stated flatly. “But I already made a friend!” exclaimed Richard. “She ran away screaming.” “The ones that do that are the best,” Richard agreed. “I have to agree with Richard on that one,” said Discord, leaning casually on Kelly’s shoulder. “The ones that run away are always the funnest to be around.” “Warlock! Over here!” The purple unicorn was still trying to get Richard to come over, while Richard was doing his best to do the exact opposite. “Discord,” he whispered to the Lord of Chaos,” who’s the crazy pony trying to attract my attention?” “Her? Oh, that’s just Twilight Sparkle, the librarian in Ponyville, and one of the Elements of Harmony. She and her friends were assigned to teach you the magic of friendship.” Richard facepalmed. He had to learn about friendship from a hyperactive bookworm?! At least it’s not a hyperactive sugar-addict. That would be a nightmare. Richard slowly walked up to Twilight, trying to delay the inevitable as long as he could. A white unicorn erupted out of one of the train cars, screaming,“YOU! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MESSED UP MY MANE!” The only things remaining of the said mane were a few charred hairs. “It needed some spunk. And I gave it some,” Richard chuckled out loud. “Oh, It. Is. ON!” growled the mane-less unicorn. “Rarity, wait!” commanded Twilight as the white unicorn was enveloped in a purple aura. “At least tell me what happened!” “He burnt my mane off!” “No, I tried to kill you, but that didn’t work.” “YOU WHAT!” All the ponies were staring at Richard in varying states of shock, horror, and anger. Kelly facepalmed. They had just gotten to Ponyville, and already Richard was messing things up. “I was checking to see if I could still kill things, but instead I just fixed your hair. With fire,” explained Richard. Rarity’s eye twitched. “Fixed?” she asked, voice dangerously quiet. “I thought that’s what I said,” said Richard, oblivious to the rage in Rarity’s eyes. He turned to Kelly. “That is what I said, right?” Kelly was too busy acquainting his face with his hand to respond. Richard turned back to the ponies, saying casually,” Yes, I do believe I sai-” Richard was interrupted by a flying fu-erm, buck to the face. Richard's head flew off, colliding heavily with Kelly's head. As Kelly collapsed, Richard's body slowly brought it's hands up to where it's head was supposed to be. It patted the stump of neck left, much to Twilight and Rarity's horror. After verifying it's lack of a head, it leaped for silent joy and raced away. Richard's head sighed. "Now look what you've done. Crazy ponies." This was the final straw for Rarity, who dramatically fainted onto a couch that popped out of nowhere. Twilight studied the decapitated head for a couple seconds. "How...How can you talk without lungs?" she asked dubiously. "...That's what you're asking?' Richard retorted. "Not how the white pony-" "Rarity," corrected Twilight. "Not how Rarity was able to decapitate me without the use of a very sharp sword?" Twilight thought for a minute, then replied," No, you talking without lungs is far more unusual." Richard sighed. "Let's just go get my body back. There's no telling what atrocities it's committing now." 'What about your friend?" Twilight asked, picking Richard up in her telekinetic grip. Richard glanced at Kelly. Sooba was sitting on Kelly's face, purring contentedly. "Oh, he'll be fine," reassured Richard, to which Twilight replied with a skeptical look. "...Can we get my body back now? My nose is itching, and I have nothing to scratch it with." Twilight sighed heavily as she trotted off in the direction that Richard's body ran off. Discord watched them go, rubbing his chin slowly. __________________________________________________________________ Twilight trotted down the dirt pathway, looking back and forth for the elusive headless warlock. So far, things had been atrocity-free, but if what Richard said was true, his body could be committing unspeakable acts even as she searched. Twilight stopped. "Oh no..." she whispered. Richard twisted in the telekinetic grip 'til he was facing Twilight. "Why'd we stop? My nose is still-" Twilight dropped Richard's head, eliciting a dull," Ow..." from the warlock, as she raced to where the body had gone: Fluttershy's cottage. As Twilight ran into the cottage, a shadow fell over Richard's face. Richard cocked an eyebrow. "Pony, you REALLY need to brush your hair." He smiled, an act once again hidden by the cloth. "Then again, I could fix it! That would be fun!" __________________________________________________________________ Twilight rushed into the cottage, bursting in to witness... a tea party? Richard's body was sitting cross legged at Fluttershy's table, pinkie extended as it poured tea down it's neck. Fluttershy was sitting opposite the body, sipping tea from her own cup, when Twilight burst in. "Oh, Twilight! What are you doing here?" "But... but... but..." Twilight was gaping at Richard's body, which was now petting a small brown rabbit. "...Oh, I'm sorry, Twilight," Fluttershy said quietly," I didn't introduce my friend, Mr. Ashendale!" Fluttershy gestured at Richard's body, which was pouring itself another cup of tea from a large ceramic pot. "But... but... but..." Twilight's eye began to twitch, strands of hair popping out of her smooth mane. "...Um, Twilight? Are you O.K.?" Fluttershy asked Twilight worriedly. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouted Richard as he, or rather his head, crashed through the window. Four things happened: Fluttershy dived under the table in terror, Twilight leapt away from from the disembodied head, and Richard's body did a spit take (which is very difficult without a mouth). Lastly, a voice from outside shrieked," EEEEEEEEEK! A TALKING HEAD!" The voice paused. "AND IT'S NOT EVEN NIGHTMARE NIGHT!" "What is it with ponies and kicking my head today?" wondered Richard aloud. The sound of something galloping away was heard outside. Richard looked at the quivering Fluttershy under the table. He turned to Twilight. "Is the yellow pony always like this? Because I see this getting very old in the near future." Richard's body had taken this opportunity to attempt to sneak out the back window. Emphasis on "attempt." It got the window open, as well as crawled through it without the others noticing, but it failed to take into account the flower box on the other side. In the end, there was a large noise and a big mess. As Twilight, Richard's head, and Fluttershy turned to see what made the racket, Richard's body disentangled itself from the ruins of the flower box and sprinted away into the trees. The three were silent. Richard turned to Twilight. "I can't see anything from down here. What just happened?" Twilight hesitated. "...Your body... kinda, sorta... ranintotheEverfreeForest." "...Judging from your expression, and the incredibly annoying pauses, followed by rapid speech, that's a bad thing." Chapter 4: Nothing Is EverfreeAfter Twilight finished explaining to Richard's head just how dangerous the Everfree Forest was, Richard made to cross his arms. Then sighed. Not having a body was incredibly annoying, even more so than the time he'd been shrunk to the size of a toddler. "One," Richard stated to Twilight, who had by now put him on the table," isn't a disembodied head an excellent centerpiece? It really brings out the red in the tablecloth. Two, this forests sounds like loads of fun." Fluttershy and Twilight gasped at Richard's complete disregard for the dangers of the most unnatural forest in all of Equestria. "And three, can someone please scratch my nose? The itch is getting worse." Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity, Kelly, and Sooba stood before the entrance to the Everfree forest, staring intently at the darkness within. Richard was held firmly in Kelly's arms, and was staring intently at Fluttershy, who was doing her best not to quiver under the undead warlock's gaze. Judging by how she appeared to be violently vibrating, her efforts were in vain. "So, Fluttershy..." Richard began. Fluttershy made a sound that, had it not been made in abject terror, would have been considered adorable. Many debate that it still was. Richard continued, unfazed by how much fear he was instilling. "How does the most timid creature in the entire world end up living right next to supposedly the scariest place in the known world?" Fluttershy shuffled her legs, which, Richard noticed, also worked to move her away from his disembodied head. "Well, I, um, still need to take care of the animals..." Fluttershy responded quietly, her face all but hidden by her pink mane. Richard deadpanned," But the animals are the scary part." Fluttershy was all but bursting into tears at this point. "But... the animals..." "...I think we can leave it at that your entire philosophy is hypocritical, and you need to rethink your choice of living quarters." Tears began streaming down Fluttershy's face. "But... But I..." Richard turned away from Fluttershy, whom Rarity was desperately trying to comfort, toward Twilight, who was giving a look of undisputed hate at his words. "I think we should go now," he said. "I think I broke her." "If looks could kill," Richard wondered aloud, "would they be able to kill me?" "I would certainly hope so," muttered Rarity, walking next to Fluttershy. "If I smash your head, would you stop being rude and positively hateful to everyone we meet?" offered Kelly. Richard pondered this for a couple minutes, which was a time of welcome silence to the group. That is, until they remembered they were still in the Everfree Forest. "Well, if my jaw was fractured in such a way that it would be unable to move, then yes. If not, then not until I get to kill something again," stated Richard matter of factly. "But you just killed thirty assorted guards and citi...zens..." Kelly chuckled nervously at the horrified faces the others were making at him. "It was only twenty-nine and a half!" Richard exclaimed indignantly. "Children and cripples only count as a half," he explained to the horrified ponies. "I usually kill more, but there was a matter that included a skull hat, a guard, and extensive introductions with various god-like entities, which I may-or-may-not have tried to melt the flesh off of." Rarity pulled her fainting couch out of hammerspace, a lovely place created by the all powerful pink goddess, and promptly used it for its intended purpose. Fluttershy crawled under said couch and hid, because ostriches had explained to her quite plainly that if you hide your head in or under something, you instantly become invisible to all things that wish to kill you. And in Fluttershy's Guide to Survival, one either shows unconditional love, runs from, or hides from a predatory killer. In Fluttershy's professional opinion, hiding was the best option in this particular scenario. Twilight took the confrontational approach, which meant the Guide was on the list of unread pamphlets left in Twilight's library. "YOU DID WHAT?!" Richard noticed that there was a note of panic in Twilight's Symphony of Anger, so Richard smiled and tried to use reason to ease her distress. "Nobody that mattered!" Richard said in his defense. Kelly groaned. "EVERYBODY MATTERS!" yelled Twilight. Richard noticed that Twilight was beginning to smoke, which either meant that he suddenly gained the ability to fwoosh by staring, or that ponies had the ability to combust of their own will when they were in his presence. Both sounded equally good. Twilight's tirade and Richard's existential ponderings were both interrupted by a rustling in a nearby bush. Twilight and Kelly took aggressive stances, while Rarity hid behind her couch. Fluttershy remained where she was. A form erupted from the bushes, sending leaves scattering in disarray. Upon closer inspection, it was revealed to be... "A bunny?" asked Kelly incredulously. "That was anticlimactic," agreed Richard. That is, until the bunny roared and grew into a fifteen-foot-tall monstrosity, spittle dripping from its massive fangs. It's paws bristled with huge talons, and it's fluffy tail now sported dozens of razor sharp spines. "I want one," Richard said wistfully. Kelly and Twilight leaped away as it swung it's clawed paw at them. "HAHA! MISSED M-" Richard was interrupted by the beast grabbing and tossing him into the air, after which he was promptly swallowed whole, The monster roared in satisfaction, in that it devoured the silly head that had laughed, and turned its beady red eyes towards Kelly, who just crossed his arms and tsked at the mutant bunny. "When will animals learn to not eat Richard?" he asked to no one in particular. The rabbit heard a strange gurgling from its stomach. It looked down, then very slowly turned to face Twilight. It gave one last pleading look, and then its head exploded. Violently. Nothing within a thirty meter radius was spared from the explosion of blood and gore. Richard's head rested happily on the rabbit's neck, smiling happily under the clothe. "It's a Christmas miracle!" he exclaimed as the body did a small jig. "Do you guys have any idea how hard it is to crawl up someone's esophagus, make their head explode, and then take control of their body? All without arms or legs?!" Twilight turned to Kelly, who was still wiping gore out of his eyes. "What's... Christmas?" "No clue," Kelly said, spitting out a small piece of skull. "Just ignore him. Let's just hope he doesn't start doing the Gangnam Style dance." Twilight stared confusedly at Kelly, but before she could ask, there was a roar from Richard's direction. They both turned to see Richard's original body, clad in various flowers, riding on a manticore's back, which was busy mauling Richard's new rabbit body. They just stared. "Wat."
Chapter One: "FOR PONY!"Richard always loved this mountain. It’s glorious slopes, it’s snowy peak, and its wonderful habit to eat people. However, he was a little too busy running away from a particular red imp to pay attention. “YOURDOOMISATHAND!” screeched the little red imp, waving a small gold medallion energetically. “I don’t think it is. You see, my hand is quite empty,” replied Richard calmly as he sprinted away from Hctib Elttil, the red imp he was running from. “YOURSUFFERINGSHALLBENEVERENDING!” the imp roared in anger. “That doesn’t sound very fun,” admitted the undead warlock. “Killing innocents, yes, but eternal suffering? Maybe making people suffer...” “VENGEANCESHALLBEMINE!” shrieked Hctib. “That sounds fun. But I think I’ll pass,” replied Richard stoically. Upon spotting a familiar duo up ahead, he called,” Soomba! Kelly! Your assistance in this matter would be greatly appreciated.” A black panther perked up at the sound of his name and prepared to pounce on the freakishly annoying imp. However, before he could strike, his view was obstructed by the hooded figure of Kelly, a big-boned giant of a man, who also happened to be the practiced town healer. Kelly was already charging at the imp, ready to pile drive the creature into oblivion. “Ha! How do you like that!” Kelly said triumphantly as he fell onto the Imp. “IWILLKILLYOUWHENIGETBACKUP!” exclaimed the imp, trying to speak from underneath Kelly’s massive body. "Thanks for taking so long. I almost tripped you know," Richard said, walking up to Kelly’s inert form, glancing at Sooba’s sulking form. He knelt down next to the panther, saying,” Don't worry, you'll catch something before Kelly squashes it eventually.” Sooba perked up, while Kelly frowned. “I’m not that fat, you know,” stated Kelly glumly as he stood up and planted a foot on the imp’s face. “And Sooba isn't my favorite pet,” retorted Richard, turning his gaze to the monolith next to him. “Now,” he continued,” who’s a good, man-eating mountain?” He strode up to the mountain face and proceeded to give it a hug. The mountain responded by opening a massive hole where Richard was standing, sucking him into the dark abyss below. Kelly and Sooba sat in stunned silence, before Kelly spoke. “The hell just happened?” Kelly said in bewilderment. His eyes widened as he took in the full gravity of the situation. “Quick, Sooba, after him!” yelled Kelly as he charged toward the massive hole where Richard had been standing moments before. Sooba raced Kelly to the hole, leaping into it at the first opportune moment. Kelly, racing after Sooba, jumped in after, leaving a barely conscious imp lying in the dust. “Thefatmansatonme...” muttered Hctib weakly. _________________________________________________________________________ It was a marvelous day in Equestria for Prince BlueBlood. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and he was singing along in his nice, warm shower. That was until are group of misfits crashed onto his bathroom floor with a cacophony of thuds and grunts. Prince BlueBlood stuck his head out the shower curtain and shrieked like a little filly. Three beasts lay on his bathroom floor, coated in dust! The one on the bottom of the dog-pile appeared to be an ugly, vile creature in a black robe. On top of it was a large, ugly, vile creature with a ragged cloak, and on the very top...was a large black cat. BlueBlood gasped for breath. Screaming at such a pitch really takes alot out of a pony. He then charged out of the tub, in all his glory, and charged out out of the shower And raced for the door. He stopped, opened the door slowly, then bolted outside, shrieking,” GUARDS! GUARDS! A BUNCH OF MONSTERS INTERRUPTED MY SHOWER! HELP!” Richard groaned under Kelly,” Remind me to never hug a mountain again.” “Remind me not to fall on you again,” retorted Kelly. “You’re not as soft as you look, you know.” Soomba just purred contentedly. He had had a very soft landing. Kelly rolled off of Richard, despite Soomba’s displeasure, and stood up. He observed his surroundings, and stated,” It appears we are in a bathroom.” Richard got up and dusted himself off. “That would explain the...” Richard stopped, then looked at Kelly. “Was that a talking pony?” he asked. There was silence for a few seconds. “...FOR PONY!” Richard shouted, charging out of the bathroom into the hallway beyond, Soomba and Kelly right behind. And stumbled into a whole battalion of ponies. Richard’s eyes lit up. Ponies! So many ponies! So many...spears. He looked down, and sure enough, a spear was embedded in his chest. He must have run onto it. He looked back to the pony responsible for the damage, and said,” Now, I’m no physician, but there appears to be a spear in my chest.” His yellow eyes narrowed. “I hate spears,” he said icily, taking the armored pony’s face in his hands. The pony’s head erupted into flames, vaporizing its face and skull. Richard admired his headless horse, then pulled the spear out of chest. As is fell to the floor, he turned his attention to the rest of the spear-wielding ponies. “OK, who’s next?” The guards stood in stunned silence before the creature that had just incinerated their commanding officer. With his hands. They looked at each other and nodded. This homicidal maniac had to be taken down. So, they did the only truly logical thing: they stabbed their spears into Richards chest. Kelly and Sooba stood behind Richard, wondering when the guards would give up. Or die. Richard never did well with the authorities. Green blood flowed from Richard’s wounds, and adding insult to injury, he had started laughing. He laughed as orbs of fire erupted in his hands. He laughed as he brutally murdered the guardsponies closest to him. He laughed as the remainder of the guard scrambled away. He laughed as Sooba chewed on a scorched bone. He stopped laughing when Kelly poked him. “Was that really necessary?” inquired Kelly. Richard looked thoughtfully at Kelly before answering. “...Yes.” Richard stated before making for the door he assumed would lead outside. His hand wrapped around the doorknob, but he paused. He turned back to Kelly and Sooba, who were making their way through the maze of bodies to get to Richard. “Kelly, how did the ponies open the door?” “...Richard, that’s what you care about right now? You just slaughtered twenty guards-” “Seventeen. It was a bad day for me,” interrupted Richard. “Regardless,” Kelly continued,” you most likely just made enemies with a whole lot of ponies.” Kelly stopped. Then he and Richard burst into laughter. “I can’t be an enemy of ponies,” Richard said, laughing. “I love ponies.” He paused. “I love killing more, though...” he said thoughtfully. “Anyway, let’s go. I feel the need to kill more things before the day is out.” Kelly just shook his head as Richard opened the door. “This is gonna be interesting,” Kelly muttered as Richard took a step out of the threshold, Sooba and Kelly trailing behind.
Chapter 2: The White Ones Are The Worst...Richard strode into the cobblestone street. All around him, technicolor ponies in extravagant apparel gaped at the strange creatures in their midst. Then the screaming started. Upon catching sight of Richard’s blood and gore stained robe, the high-class ponies burst into hysterics, sprinting away from the monsters. Richard winced. That was really high pitched screaming. He made a pony’s head spontaneously combust. He sighed. Much better. Then the screaming got louder. He sighed, making his hands burst into flames. Killing was so satisfying, but killing ponies? Then again, they were very annoying. Richard charged into a group of ponies, ready to kill everything within arms reach. He grabbed a pony’s face and ripped the skin from its head, then ripped the the bloody skull from the body to make it into a hat. Blood splattered on the cobblestone, staining the gray stone red. Lovingly admiring the skull as he placed it on his head, Richard attacked another group of ponies. He gouged out another pony’s eyes and set them on fire. He then proceeded to throw them at another pony, making the pony burst into flames. He beheaded another and tossed it to another pony, calling,” Here! Catch!” Kelly just sat on the curb, shaking his head. Sooba, on the other hand, joined in Richard’s antics, pouncing on a pony and ripping out it’s throat. “STOP, CRIMINAL SCUM!” Richard looked up from the skull he was decorating, saw ponies in armor wielding spears, and frowned. “But it’s fun! Look! I even made you a hat!,” replied Richard happily, holding up the pony skull, now decorated with dandelions and intestines. “BY THE ORDER OF HER MAJESTY, PRINCESS CELESTIA, YOU ARE HEREBY UNDER ARREST FOR MURDER!” “Yeah, about that,” said Richard, putting the skull hat on top the guard,” It’s not murder if I’m having fun.” A bit of intestines flopped down in front of the guard’s eye. “Oh, just let ‘em take us to their majesty, will ya?” Kelly called. “It’ll be a lot easier than just killing all of them,” he continued as he got up from the curb. “But a whole lot less fun,” admitted Richard. “Alright boys, take us to your leader,” Kelly said cooley to the guards. “We’re obviously in the wrong place at the wrong time, and we would appreciate being able to go home.” “Fine,” Richard and the guard said in unison. “Maybe I could kill just one?” asked Richard suddenly in an excited manner. At the glares from his companions, Richard said,” What? It’s a legitimate question.” _____________________________________________________________________________ After 23 minutes of being escorted by the guards, Richard, Kelly, and Sooba arrived at the castle. Richard had quickly established that he was not to be touched, demonstrating his marvelous ability to turn a pony into ash. The guards put as much distance as they could after that. Kelly trudged next to Sooba, whom he kept having to convince that the ponies were not, in fact, chew toys. The party stopped in front of a pair of massive oak doors. “Shall we go in?” asked the lead guard. “I’d rather not, you see,” Richard explained. “Yes, lead us on in,” declared Kelly with authority. Sooba just growled at a guard that got too close. The guard quickly rectified his mistake. The ponies opened the gate revealing a grand...hallway. “That was anticlimactic,” pointed out Richard, before marching into the hallway, Kelly and Soomba in tow. They marched through the white marble hallways, Richard whistling a merry tune. They arrived at another set of massive oak doors, which opened to reveal... a tall, white pony with wings and a horn. “That was also very anticlimactic,” commented Richard, before striding into the throne room. He strode over to Celestia as the guards closed the door behind the trio, looked her in the eyes, then turned back to Kelly. “Can we keep it?” Kelly just shook his head before addressing what he assumed to be the ruling monarch. “Uh, Queen-” “Princess is fine,” interrupted Celestia, nodding apologetically. “Uh...” Kelly was dumbfounded. He was sure that this was the ruler, but it appeared she was just a princess. “Could we, perhaps, talk to the queen?” Kelly asked hopefully. When Celestia started laughing, he turned to Richard and just shrugged. Richard had taken his skull hat back, and was currently in the process of adjusting the intestines such that it looked like hair. “There are no queens here,” explained Celestia after she stopped laughing. “Me and my sister are the diarchs of Equestria.” “Oh,” Richard and Kelly said in unison. Richard turned to Kelly. “I don’t want it anymore.” Kelly facepalmed. Leave it to Richard to declare that one of the rulers wasn’t fit to be his pet. Celestia just chuckled. “I’m afraid that even if you wanted to make me into a pet, warlock, you wouldn’t be able to.” Before Kelly could ask how Celestia had known Richard was a warlock, the door was slammed open revealing a white unicorn with a blue mane, fully clad in armor. “Your majesty, what in Equestria are you doing! You know that these monsters are guilty of murder!” He gestured angrily at the trio, eliciting a happy wave from Richard. “It’s not murder if I'm having fun!” he said happily. Celestia raised an eyebrow at Richard’s casual statement, then turned back the white unicorn. “Shining Armor, surely you cannot believe that I’m in any danger?” she asked with mock horror. Shining stiffened. “It’s my royal duty to make sure my princesses are safe. And taking into account these things’-” “Humans, and the cat’s a black panther” interrupted Kelly. Shining’s eyes narrowed. “Regardless...” he said through gritted teeth. “These...humans...killed hundreds of guards and citizens in cold blood!” “I think it was more along the lines of thirty,” said Kelly casually. “I usually kill two thousand. It’s been a bad day,” explained Richard. Shining Armor gaped in horror at the warlock. Celestia simply nodded in understanding. “I feel sorry for you. Not being able to fill your daily quota of mindless slaughter...” Celestia shook her head. “What a tragedy.” Shining Armor gaped in even more horror at the Princess. “Surely you can’t mean that...” “Of course not. Did you actually think I don't care about the lives lost at the warlock’s hands?” “Technically, Sooba helped,” pointed out Richard, before returning his full attention to the decoration of his marvelous hat. Needs a bit more...fwoosh...thought Richard as he made the hat burst into flames. His companions ignored him, instead listening to Trolles-er, Celestia’s conversation with the Captain of the Guard. “I've simply decided to meet him in person as to get a better judgement of his character.” “But Princess, surely the law requires that-” “You of all ponies know that our laws forbid the execution of any creature, regardless of their actions.” “But Princess-” “That doesn't mean his actions will go unpunished,” Celestia declared as her horn was engulfed in a glowing, yellow aura. As was Richard. Richard, who didn't like the light show one bit, decided that the easiest way out was to “fwoosh” the big, white pony. He pointed a finger at the pony and waited for his lightshow. And waited. And waited. He turned to Kelly. “I think my fwoosh is broken,” Richard pouted. Then he perked up. His fwoosh, though his favorite spell, was not the only one at his disposal. None of them worked. He'd even tried to attack the pony with a physical attack, to no avail. Whenever he got close, he would get repelled by...something. It even happened when he tried with other ponies, so it wasn't just a forcefield. “Are you having any problems, warlock?” Celestia asked calmly. “No, no, I...Yes. Please stop what you are doing so I can kill everything in the room. Except for Sooba. I need him.” “Hey, you need me too!” exclaimed Kelly. “Oh, and him. I’ll keep him alive,” Richard said, jerking a thumb at Kelly. “And what about me?” said a voice behind Richard, causing him to wheel around. Behind him stood...something. It appeared to be one of his long forgotten projects, in which he had tried to mix the body parts of hundreds of different beings into a single body. This one, however, didn't appear to speak Korean. “No, you appear to be an old project of mine, and I've killed all my projects that failed, so therefore you must die.” “Oh, I’m not one of your projects. I’m Discord, the resident draconequus and Lord of Chaos. A pleasure to meet you.” Discord extended a clawed hand, which Richard shook firmly. “On second thought, I like you. I’m Lord Richard Ashendale, Chief Warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, First Order of the Thirteen Hells, Emperor of the Black, Master of the Bones, Mistress of Magma, Lord of the Dance, and mayor of a little town up the coast. It’s a really nice place to visit during the summer,” Richard said nonchalantly, procuring a map displaying his village from his tunic and showing it to Discord. Celestia coughed politely to acquire Richard and Discord’s attention to no avail. “Lord Richard Ashendale?” she asked politely. He ignored her, instead explaining to Discord how his village was populated by the undead. Celestia sighed heavily, and after dismissing Shining Armor, materialized two buckets of cold water above her target audience. As she tilted the buckets, Discord grabbed Kelly and raised him above his head, as Richard did the same with Sooba. Discord and Richard discarded their soggy meat-shields and continued to to converse of the benefits of having an undead army at one’s disposal. “WARLOCK!” shouted Celestia, exasperated. “Yes? What do you want? Don't you know its quite rude to interrupt people’s conversations?” “I have decided that you are to be sent to Ponyville to learn about the Magic of Friendship,” declared Celestia. Richard stood thoughtfully, then said,” ...Um, that sounds excessively childish. So, how about no?” He was blinded by a flash of yellow light. After a feeling of being squeezed through a giant worms digestive tract, the light faded. Richard blinked away the spots, and looked around. He was on a train, it appeared, sitting across from Kelly and Sooba. Another flash of light and Discord appeared next to them. “You seem like a swell bunch, so I think I’ll be joining you.” “That’s nice,” said Richard, annoyed that he had been teleported onto a train against his will. “At least that white pony’s gone now. I can use my powers again, silly pony.” He pointed a finger at a white pony with with a purple mane, intent on causing it to collapse into a steaming pile of ash. Instead, it’s mane caught fire, causing it to run out of the train car, screaming about a ruined mane style. Richard stared at his hands and sighed. “I really don’t like that white pony.” “Which one?” asked Discord nonchalantly. “All of the ones in authority ,” replied Richard sourly. “So, Discord, what made you join us?”Kelly asked curiously. “I like messing with Celestia. After all, if it was up to her, Richard wouldn’t be able to do any spells.” “What do you mean?” Kelly and Richard asked in unison. “Well, Celestia has a big thing against killing, so she cast a spell preventing Richard from killing or causing harm to her precious ponies. I...tweaked the spell, so that harm could still be done, but death is still a big no-no. Allow me to explain.” He jerked a thumb at the door through which the white pony had run. “You made Rarity’s hair burst into flame, which to most would be considered an improvement, but to her it was a heinous crime. Before you ask who she is, she’s one the ponies you’ll have to learn the magic of friendship from.” “Let’s hope this whole scenario boils over before we get to Ponyville,” said Kelly, petting Soomba absentmindedly. “Her hair wasn’t boiling, it was burning,” pointed out Richard. “How did you not catch that?” Discord put a reassuring hand on Richard’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. I don’t believe idiocy is contagious.” Kelly’s eyes narrowed, then he shrugged. He’d been called stupid before. “By idiot, are you referring to the medical or social definition of the term?” he asked nonchalantly. “Medical,” replied Discord in an even tone. Kelly frowned. This wasn’t the reaction he had been expecting. Being dumbfounded? Yes. Stammering? Yes. But a logical answer? This Discord... was gonna be an interesting fella to be around. The rest of the trip was relatively uneventful, Richard explaining to Discord about his adventures and his various acquaintances, and Discord explaining to Richard and Kelly about the different races and history of Equestria. The train shuddered to a stop at the Ponyville Station. “Well, shall we go on?” asked kelly to his companions. Discord just shrugged and said, “Lets get this over with.”
Chapter 3: Don't Lose Your Head!Richard led the way down out of the train, observing his surroundings as he went. The town was a bit too brightly colored for his tastes. It needed to be a bit more...red. And burning. “Hey, there!” Richard turned towards the sound of the voice, and observed the purple unicorn waving at him frantically. Richard decided right then and there it would be in his best interest to stay as far away from this hyperactive pony as possible. Richard strode past the her, making sure to avoid eye contact. Instead, he made a beeline towards a blue pony with blue/white hair. Surely this one can’t be as crazy as the purple one... Richard stood before the pony, smiling slightly. A smile that was hidden by the cloth over his face. “Hello, pony. I’m Richard. What’s your name?” “...C...Colgate...” The blue pony stammered as she looked up at Richard. Richard frowned. “Like the toothpaste? I never met a pony named after toothpaste before...Unless I have. I never did bother to ask those ponies’ names...” Richard commented thoughtfully. “Wha...What ponies?” Colgate asked, slowly backing away from the creepy creature. “Oh, just the guards and innocents that I killed in Canterlot. No biggie. So, want to be friends?” Colgate ran screaming away from the crazy homicidal monster. “I’ll take that as a yes!” Richard called after her. Her turned to Kelly, who had walked up to Richard during the conversation. “Do you think we can go back now?” “No,” Kelly stated flatly. “But I already made a friend!” exclaimed Richard. “She ran away screaming.” “The ones that do that are the best,” Richard agreed. “I have to agree with Richard on that one,” said Discord, leaning casually on Kelly’s shoulder. “The ones that run away are always the funnest to be around.” “Warlock! Over here!” The purple unicorn was still trying to get Richard to come over, while Richard was doing his best to do the exact opposite. “Discord,” he whispered to the Lord of Chaos,” who’s the crazy pony trying to attract my attention?” “Her? Oh, that’s just Twilight Sparkle, the librarian in Ponyville, and one of the Elements of Harmony. She and her friends were assigned to teach you the magic of friendship.” Richard facepalmed. He had to learn about friendship from a hyperactive bookworm?! At least it’s not a hyperactive sugar-addict. That would be a nightmare. Richard slowly walked up to Twilight, trying to delay the inevitable as long as he could. A white unicorn erupted out of one of the train cars, screaming,“YOU! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MESSED UP MY MANE!” The only things remaining of the said mane were a few charred hairs. “It needed some spunk. And I gave it some,” Richard chuckled out loud. “Oh, It. Is. ON!” growled the mane-less unicorn. “Rarity, wait!” commanded Twilight as the white unicorn was enveloped in a purple aura. “At least tell me what happened!” “He burnt my mane off!” “No, I tried to kill you, but that didn’t work.” “YOU WHAT!” All the ponies were staring at Richard in varying states of shock, horror, and anger. Kelly facepalmed. They had just gotten to Ponyville, and already Richard was messing things up. “I was checking to see if I could still kill things, but instead I just fixed your hair. With fire,” explained Richard. Rarity’s eye twitched. “Fixed?” she asked, voice dangerously quiet. “I thought that’s what I said,” said Richard, oblivious to the rage in Rarity’s eyes. He turned to Kelly. “That is what I said, right?” Kelly was too busy acquainting his face with his hand to respond. Richard turned back to the ponies, saying casually,” Yes, I do believe I sai-” Richard was interrupted by a flying fu-erm, buck to the face. Richard's head flew off, colliding heavily with Kelly's head. As Kelly collapsed, Richard's body slowly brought it's hands up to where it's head was supposed to be. It patted the stump of neck left, much to Twilight and Rarity's horror. After verifying it's lack of a head, it leaped for silent joy and raced away. Richard's head sighed. "Now look what you've done. Crazy ponies." This was the final straw for Rarity, who dramatically fainted onto a couch that popped out of nowhere. Twilight studied the decapitated head for a couple seconds. "How...How can you talk without lungs?" she asked dubiously. "...That's what you're asking?' Richard retorted. "Not how the white pony-" "Rarity," corrected Twilight. "Not how Rarity was able to decapitate me without the use of a very sharp sword?" Twilight thought for a minute, then replied," No, you talking without lungs is far more unusual." Richard sighed. "Let's just go get my body back. There's no telling what atrocities it's committing now." 'What about your friend?" Twilight asked, picking Richard up in her telekinetic grip. Richard glanced at Kelly. Sooba was sitting on Kelly's face, purring contentedly. "Oh, he'll be fine," reassured Richard, to which Twilight replied with a skeptical look. "...Can we get my body back now? My nose is itching, and I have nothing to scratch it with." Twilight sighed heavily as she trotted off in the direction that Richard's body ran off. Discord watched them go, rubbing his chin slowly. __________________________________________________________________ Twilight trotted down the dirt pathway, looking back and forth for the elusive headless warlock. So far, things had been atrocity-free, but if what Richard said was true, his body could be committing unspeakable acts even as she searched. Twilight stopped. "Oh no..." she whispered. Richard twisted in the telekinetic grip 'til he was facing Twilight. "Why'd we stop? My nose is still-" Twilight dropped Richard's head, eliciting a dull," Ow..." from the warlock, as she raced to where the body had gone: Fluttershy's cottage. As Twilight ran into the cottage, a shadow fell over Richard's face. Richard cocked an eyebrow. "Pony, you REALLY need to brush your hair." He smiled, an act once again hidden by the cloth. "Then again, I could fix it! That would be fun!" __________________________________________________________________ Twilight rushed into the cottage, bursting in to witness... a tea party? Richard's body was sitting cross legged at Fluttershy's table, pinkie extended as it poured tea down it's neck. Fluttershy was sitting opposite the body, sipping tea from her own cup, when Twilight burst in. "Oh, Twilight! What are you doing here?" "But... but... but..." Twilight was gaping at Richard's body, which was now petting a small brown rabbit. "...Oh, I'm sorry, Twilight," Fluttershy said quietly," I didn't introduce my friend, Mr. Ashendale!" Fluttershy gestured at Richard's body, which was pouring itself another cup of tea from a large ceramic pot. "But... but... but..." Twilight's eye began to twitch, strands of hair popping out of her smooth mane. "...Um, Twilight? Are you O.K.?" Fluttershy asked Twilight worriedly. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouted Richard as he, or rather his head, crashed through the window. Four things happened: Fluttershy dived under the table in terror, Twilight leapt away from from the disembodied head, and Richard's body did a spit take (which is very difficult without a mouth). Lastly, a voice from outside shrieked," EEEEEEEEEK! A TALKING HEAD!" The voice paused. "AND IT'S NOT EVEN NIGHTMARE NIGHT!" "What is it with ponies and kicking my head today?" wondered Richard aloud. The sound of something galloping away was heard outside. Richard looked at the quivering Fluttershy under the table. He turned to Twilight. "Is the yellow pony always like this? Because I see this getting very old in the near future." Richard's body had taken this opportunity to attempt to sneak out the back window. Emphasis on "attempt." It got the window open, as well as crawled through it without the others noticing, but it failed to take into account the flower box on the other side. In the end, there was a large noise and a big mess. As Twilight, Richard's head, and Fluttershy turned to see what made the racket, Richard's body disentangled itself from the ruins of the flower box and sprinted away into the trees. The three were silent. Richard turned to Twilight. "I can't see anything from down here. What just happened?" Twilight hesitated. "...Your body... kinda, sorta... ranintotheEverfreeForest." "...Judging from your expression, and the incredibly annoying pauses, followed by rapid speech, that's a bad thing."
Chapter 4: Nothing Is EverfreeAfter Twilight finished explaining to Richard's head just how dangerous the Everfree Forest was, Richard made to cross his arms. Then sighed. Not having a body was incredibly annoying, even more so than the time he'd been shrunk to the size of a toddler. "One," Richard stated to Twilight, who had by now put him on the table," isn't a disembodied head an excellent centerpiece? It really brings out the red in the tablecloth. Two, this forests sounds like loads of fun." Fluttershy and Twilight gasped at Richard's complete disregard for the dangers of the most unnatural forest in all of Equestria. "And three, can someone please scratch my nose? The itch is getting worse." Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity, Kelly, and Sooba stood before the entrance to the Everfree forest, staring intently at the darkness within. Richard was held firmly in Kelly's arms, and was staring intently at Fluttershy, who was doing her best not to quiver under the undead warlock's gaze. Judging by how she appeared to be violently vibrating, her efforts were in vain. "So, Fluttershy..." Richard began. Fluttershy made a sound that, had it not been made in abject terror, would have been considered adorable. Many debate that it still was. Richard continued, unfazed by how much fear he was instilling. "How does the most timid creature in the entire world end up living right next to supposedly the scariest place in the known world?" Fluttershy shuffled her legs, which, Richard noticed, also worked to move her away from his disembodied head. "Well, I, um, still need to take care of the animals..." Fluttershy responded quietly, her face all but hidden by her pink mane. Richard deadpanned," But the animals are the scary part." Fluttershy was all but bursting into tears at this point. "But... the animals..." "...I think we can leave it at that your entire philosophy is hypocritical, and you need to rethink your choice of living quarters." Tears began streaming down Fluttershy's face. "But... But I..." Richard turned away from Fluttershy, whom Rarity was desperately trying to comfort, toward Twilight, who was giving a look of undisputed hate at his words. "I think we should go now," he said. "I think I broke her." "If looks could kill," Richard wondered aloud, "would they be able to kill me?" "I would certainly hope so," muttered Rarity, walking next to Fluttershy. "If I smash your head, would you stop being rude and positively hateful to everyone we meet?" offered Kelly. Richard pondered this for a couple minutes, which was a time of welcome silence to the group. That is, until they remembered they were still in the Everfree Forest. "Well, if my jaw was fractured in such a way that it would be unable to move, then yes. If not, then not until I get to kill something again," stated Richard matter of factly. "But you just killed thirty assorted guards and citi...zens..." Kelly chuckled nervously at the horrified faces the others were making at him. "It was only twenty-nine and a half!" Richard exclaimed indignantly. "Children and cripples only count as a half," he explained to the horrified ponies. "I usually kill more, but there was a matter that included a skull hat, a guard, and extensive introductions with various god-like entities, which I may-or-may-not have tried to melt the flesh off of." Rarity pulled her fainting couch out of hammerspace, a lovely place created by the all powerful pink goddess, and promptly used it for its intended purpose. Fluttershy crawled under said couch and hid, because ostriches had explained to her quite plainly that if you hide your head in or under something, you instantly become invisible to all things that wish to kill you. And in Fluttershy's Guide to Survival, one either shows unconditional love, runs from, or hides from a predatory killer. In Fluttershy's professional opinion, hiding was the best option in this particular scenario. Twilight took the confrontational approach, which meant the Guide was on the list of unread pamphlets left in Twilight's library. "YOU DID WHAT?!" Richard noticed that there was a note of panic in Twilight's Symphony of Anger, so Richard smiled and tried to use reason to ease her distress. "Nobody that mattered!" Richard said in his defense. Kelly groaned. "EVERYBODY MATTERS!" yelled Twilight. Richard noticed that Twilight was beginning to smoke, which either meant that he suddenly gained the ability to fwoosh by staring, or that ponies had the ability to combust of their own will when they were in his presence. Both sounded equally good. Twilight's tirade and Richard's existential ponderings were both interrupted by a rustling in a nearby bush. Twilight and Kelly took aggressive stances, while Rarity hid behind her couch. Fluttershy remained where she was. A form erupted from the bushes, sending leaves scattering in disarray. Upon closer inspection, it was revealed to be... "A bunny?" asked Kelly incredulously. "That was anticlimactic," agreed Richard. That is, until the bunny roared and grew into a fifteen-foot-tall monstrosity, spittle dripping from its massive fangs. It's paws bristled with huge talons, and it's fluffy tail now sported dozens of razor sharp spines. "I want one," Richard said wistfully. Kelly and Twilight leaped away as it swung it's clawed paw at them. "HAHA! MISSED M-" Richard was interrupted by the beast grabbing and tossing him into the air, after which he was promptly swallowed whole, The monster roared in satisfaction, in that it devoured the silly head that had laughed, and turned its beady red eyes towards Kelly, who just crossed his arms and tsked at the mutant bunny. "When will animals learn to not eat Richard?" he asked to no one in particular. The rabbit heard a strange gurgling from its stomach. It looked down, then very slowly turned to face Twilight. It gave one last pleading look, and then its head exploded. Violently. Nothing within a thirty meter radius was spared from the explosion of blood and gore. Richard's head rested happily on the rabbit's neck, smiling happily under the clothe. "It's a Christmas miracle!" he exclaimed as the body did a small jig. "Do you guys have any idea how hard it is to crawl up someone's esophagus, make their head explode, and then take control of their body? All without arms or legs?!" Twilight turned to Kelly, who was still wiping gore out of his eyes. "What's... Christmas?" "No clue," Kelly said, spitting out a small piece of skull. "Just ignore him. Let's just hope he doesn't start doing the Gangnam Style dance." Twilight stared confusedly at Kelly, but before she could ask, there was a roar from Richard's direction. They both turned to see Richard's original body, clad in various flowers, riding on a manticore's back, which was busy mauling Richard's new rabbit body. They just stared. "Wat."
