Equestria Has A Shreksual Experience
Celestia didn't hate Ogres. Really, she didn't. She just wanted their resources; their land. She never expected an actual war to occur. When she invaded the Great Swamplands, she knew that the Ogres would fall in line. Or, she though they would. If it wasn't for that one damnable freak and his prayers, none of this would have happened. Her forces would not be at war with this "Shrek" character, and she would not be left to die.
It all started a week ago. Celestia made the decision that would cost her everything; even her own life.
She had wanted --no, needed-- the Ogres' resources and land. Their swamps had been full of natural resources and riches. Things that Equestria needed. Things that she was willing to take. She talked with General Iron Hoof, the highest-ranking military commander in the Equestrian Army. They had decided that they would march on the Great Swamplands within the week.
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On the day of the invasion, the Ogres of the Great Swamplands had no idea what was soon to happen. That morning, many Ogres of the Swamplands had attended sermon. They spent a good portion of the early morning worshiping Ogrelord Shrek: hero and benevolent god of the Ogres. Currently, it was midday. All seemed normal in the land of the Ogres. Children were playing in the street. Many males were "getting some hot Ogre ass" as they tend to put it. One male Ogre, however, had nothing to do. His name was Tyrone. Tyrone was a simple Ogre. He loved the Swamplands. He was born here. He lived here. He was sure that it was also where he would die. He was also one of the more devoted followers of Lord Shrek. He prayed to his deity at least three times a day, and always before he took a fat ogre shit; just as he had always been taught to.
As a matter of fact, Tyrone was busy taking such a shit when it happened. Just as he was finishing his business, so to speak, he heard screaming and several explosions. Scrambling out of his outhouse, he tripped face-first into a pile of mud. Cursing his clumsiness, he picked himself up and dusted himself off as much as he could. Suddenly, he remembered why he left his beloved outhouse in the first place. He ran towards the streets, wondering what all the commotion was about. That was when he saw it: the invasion.
He noticed the large number of ponies --all adorning heavy armor and either casting spells at his fellow Ogres or impairing them with their spears-- and paled. He then noticed the pony at the front of the assault. She was large, the largest pony that he had ever seen. Her coat was sparkling white. Her hair was several colors, and flowed in the wind, while also sparkling. He noticed that she also had both a horn and wings. Tyrone thought that was some ol' bullshit. He saw the Ogres screaming in pain. No ogre knew what was going on. It looked as though at least 1,000 Ogres had been killed so far. Tyrone was no dumbshit, as his grandfather would often call him in his youth. He knew that the Swamplands were lost-- unless. Yes, that would work.
With new-found purpose and determination, Tyrone busted through the group of ponies and ran (stumbled) towards the Chapel of Shrek, the local church. He knew exactly how to stop these fucking horses. It took several moments, but Tyrone finally got to the Chapel. Once he reached it, he turned to the statue near it. When he saw thew statue, the Ogre's eye's lit up like a small boy's when he realized that he had a hot substitute teacher. Tyrone got on one knee and looked up at the statue. It was of the one true god and Ogrelord of the Universe: Lord Shrek. The statue depicted him as a large, green ogre wearing simple swamp clothes. He had his hands on his hip and was smiling. Tyrone would never let those ponies get their whooves on this statue. He took the chance to pray to Lord Shrek, hoping that he would aid the Ogres of the Great Swampland.
"Lord Shrek, please aid us. The ponies of Equestria have attacked these sacred grounds. They broke our pact." Tyrone leaned in closer to the statue and whispered, "they forgot to check themselves before they Shreked themselves."
The ground began to shake. All organisms present could hear loud, deafening sounds. Many of the ponies believed that it sounded similar to what they imagined a demon would sound like. Tyrone recognized it as himself shitting his pants due to the ground shaking.
Celestia finally noticed Tyrone, and ordered one of her soldiers, an Earth Pony, to go kill him. The Earth Pony ran after the Ogre, wondering why Celestia didn't just order a Unicorn to blast him, but whatever.
Tyrone stepped back, due to the ground-shaking. He realized that a spiraling black hole had appeared in front of him. From this hole, came a brand new, fully-grown Ogre. Said Ogre was large, light green and was wearing what many would describe as "dirty peasant clothes". Tyrone recognized this Ogre as his god: Lord Shrek.
Shrek belched and looked at Tyrone. "Oh, that hurt." The holy Ogre shrugged and looked back at his devout follower, "ah well, better out than in, I always say."
When Shrek noticed Celestia, and the other invading ponies, he yelled. "Hey! Who you ponies think you are?! Ah well, time to get this ogre with." With that the Divine Ogre ran towards the ponies, began to whislte a tune and started obliterating them. Break one's neck here. Break one's wing(s) there, smash two ponies' head together here, and rip a Unicorn horn off and shove it up said Unicorn's ass there.
After all ponies had been dealt with, only Celestia was left alive. "What do you think you're doing?! You will pay dearly for that, you monster!"
Shrek simply shrugged in reply and answered her question. "Killing these stupid horses. Y'know, little Shrek things."
Celetia was enraged at this, and blasted him with a large fireball, which Shrek took a true Ogre and was unaffected by. He simply looked at the large pony and whispered, "my turn". He ran at her, grabbed her by her wings and slammed her against the road. He then threw her at a wall, resulting in her flying trough several houses. She had not expected that kind of strength.
Shrek walked up to Celestia, swaying his delicious thighs. When he finally reached her, Shrek pressed his left foot on Celestia's throat. "Any last words?"
Celestia grinned. "Why, yes. Goodbye." With that she vanished.
