Barry Wheeler: Taken Killer

by CluelessDetective

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Princess Luna, King Sombra, Random
Length: 2532

Fighting off monsters of darkness is just an ordinary day for this literary agent.

Canterlot is under attack by the forces of darkness, lead by the newly resurrected King Sombra, bent on world domination. With all hope lost(and finding a book titled "Extremely Generic and Predicable Prophecies"), the three princesses of this fair castle call upon the man called the "Champion of Light," hoping that he can put a stop to this.
...
Instead they get a fat man in a red parka that nobody asked for, claiming to be the man that they seek.

This story is not meant to be taken seriously. It is merely a story to get my creative blood flowing. If you have any criticisms about this story, please post them in the comments below so I can improve. Don't be afraid to be brutal; this isn't my first story, not by a long shot. This was also done in a day with no editor and copious amounts of Get Lucky, so any mistakes found and presented will be appreciated.

Published 2013-07-17 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-17 12:40:01 UTC

Barry Wheeler and his Flaming Eye of Mordor

The one common emotion among Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, and Princess Twilight was panic. As of now, Canterlot and it's castle where under siege by King Sombra, who had just been newly resurrected and had an agenda for world domination. The first place in Equestira to fall was the Crystal Empire, the once proud nation being engulfed by their Ex-Tyrant's darkness. It was soon a domino effect, and what seemed to be the only place in Equestria, in the world, was Canterlot, it's lights being a beacon of hope to anybody looking for a safe heaven. In the distance, they could see the evil king advancing towards the elegant castle corrupting everypony and everything in his path, slowly building an army of shadows. The three princesses turned away from the windows that showcased the horror, and they began to devise a plan.

"I don't think there's anything we can do." Admitted Celestia, "The sun refuses to rise, and any guard that goes out to defend us never comes back."

"As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with you sister." Luna agreed, "I think we should just surrender."

"We can't just give up!" Twilight pleaded to her friends, "There's got to be something we can do! After all, what is our motto as princesses? Never-"

"Never say die?"

"Never gonna give you up?"

"No and no," Twilight answered, "It's Never Surrender! We shouldn't give up, we should fight to the bitter end!"

"Yeah!" Celestia yelled, "We should fight! But how?"

"Leave it to me." Twilight replied, and in an instant her horn flared up and multitudes of books began swirling around her. When she found the book she was looking for, the rest fell to the ground with a clamor. Twilight read the title, "'Extremely Generic and Predicable Prophecies.' This is bound to have something to help us!" She opened it up and began speeding through the pages, not stopping until she found the one prophecy that can help them in their time of peril. When it was found, she began to read what was on the ivory page.

"When darkness and shadows is everywhere in sight,
Call upon the Champion of Light,
Who shall fight back the night."

"That settles it," Celestia said, "We need to bring this 'Champion of Light' here so he can help us."

Putting their horns together, the three royals horns lit up, and they began to conjure the power to summon the Champion of Light to them and save their world.

Literary agent Barry Wheeler walked out of the music studio with a spring in his step. He had just closed in on a deal with the Old Gods of Asgard members Tor and Odin to work on a new piece of music titled "Balance Slays the Demon." They had begun to work on the piece, and everything was going along perfectly. He couldn't wait to tell his wife-

Barry stopped in the middle of the street. Something didn't feel right, and right when he was about to begin looking around, the earth shook with such tremendous force, he fell flat on his butt, letting out a yelp. Feeling something under him, he looked down. The street was splitting in half, and before he could even move, the gap was so big he fell straight in, screaming.

With all the screaming and endless space, Barry didn't expect to find solid ground to it. Much less him actually surviving that ordeal. Come to think of it, he didn't expect to land on and royal tiles face first. Or at least, he thought that they were royal tiles since he could've sworn he saw three crowns before kissing the ground. Slowly lifting up his head with a groan, he came face to face with some of the strangest things he has seen. There were three horses(or were they ponies?) dressed in royal regalia staring straight at him. He shrugged, standing up and dusting off his pants. Nothing stranger than what he sees on a Monday.

He could also hear hushed and feminine voices coming out of their mouths. The tallest one asked, "Are you sure this is the Champion of Light?"

The purple one quickly replied, "I'm fairly sure. We did pull this guys out of the same universe the book said he was in, so that must be him."

The dark blue one, and who seemed to be the middle aged one out of the three of them, pointed a hoof at Barry's brilliant red parka and asked, "I wouldn't think the Champion of Light would wear such strange garb."

That was when Barry had enough of the whispering and shouted, "If you want to say something, say it to my face!"

The smallest of the three coughed and said, "Please, Champion of Light, help us with our problem."

Barry merely crossed his arms and asked, "What do I get out of this?"

"Well, you get to go home." the blue princess said bluntly.

He clapped his hands together. Even if he wasn't this so called Champion of Light, going home would be nice, "Okay, it's a deal! What do you gals need help on?"

The three turned around and trotted to the windows, Barry following behind. When he looked out of it, he let out a whistle. Below them was an advancing army of darkness, shadowy figures resembling his anatomy more than the ponies next to him. They were also armed with knifes, axes, shovels, basically anything that can be used as a weapon. That was when he gulped hard; it was the same things that had attacked him and his best friend in Bright Falls, Washington. With a shake of his head, he let his inner warrior out. He knew how to fight them, and he alone had to fight them off, and put a stop to their villainy.

He faced the princesses and he said, "I'm going to need a few things."

King Sombra laughed as loud as he could atop of his chariot. Ever since that strange creature called the "Herald of Darkness" brought him back to the living world, he felt like the strongest living thing on the planet, And for good reason, too. Along with his old body, he was also granted power that nopony could comprehend; he was able to use his darkness to posses ponies and turn them into new creatures entirely, ones that stood on two legs and carried a weapon and murder on the mind. With this new power he began taking over country after country, and now the only thing that stood in his way of world domination was Canterlot, home of the royal pony sisters. Even if they had another princess with them, resistance was futile. Once he got in the castle, he will own the entire world.

But something happened that he, or anypony, could've never predicted; the door to the castle slowly opened, and the one lone figure that came out of it looked plain silly. It was just like his pawns and the one who brought him back; he was on two legs, though a little on the heavy side. He wore tan cargo pants, a blue Hawaiian shirt, and a red parka with pride, and to top it off, he was cover head to toe with Heath's Warming lights, the red and green blinking in the darkness. To make things sillier, he wore a headlamp that shone bright. He also thought he had seen him place a flare gun in his pants. Though King Sombra didn't worry about that as he sent a wave of his dark soldiers to fight and kill the butterball that stood between him and world domination.

Barry looked at the dark men(who he could remember were called Taken) and saw that their knifes and axes were as sharp as they could make them. He placed his flare gun in his pants; he only had one round, so he had to use it when necessary. When the Taken began advancing on his he didn't worry. He merely moved his headlamp towards one of them, and they exploded into sparks instantly. The others that were attacking didn't even stand a chance. Then again, what creature of darkness could survive his Eye of Mordor? He began moving forward, easily mowing down his adversaries like a kid eating candy.

That is, until he came face to face with a brand new Taken; this one didn't seem to be protected by darkness, but when he shined his lamp on it, it split into two monsters against nature instead of just one. He took a step back. There had to be something that could kill these before they killed him. After scanning the ground, he found it; there was an ax that one of the previous combatants left on the ground when it vanished. He took the opportunity to grab it and swing it towards the two creatures, his weapon connecting and taking care of them in one fell swoop.

With that crisis adverted, he trudged forward, making sure that all the scumbags attacking him saw the light. After massacring the not so innocent populace of shadows, one little thing stood in his way against the evil king. And by little thing, he means a fifty foot tall Taken with a chainsaw just as big as he is that can probably cut anything made out of diamond in half and in record time.

Barry gulped. It was going to be difficult trying to take this thing down, but he held his ground. Walking slowly he approached the giant thing and taunted, "By the time I'm done with you, you'll have lawsuits up your ass!"

The Taken roared and slowly approached Barry. Even if it felt the pain of the light searing it, it had to trudge on; this puny man couldn't live.

However, Barry merely starting walking circles around it, weakening it further and further. The monster put it's chainsaw to the ground, it kicking up concrete, and he began moving it towards the parka wearing man, which he screamed and began moving away from the creature. Barry was began breathing heavily. He didn't want to do this, but he had no choice. Reaching his headlamp, he turned it up to full power. With the blindingly bright light, the Taken just screamed as parts of it began flaking off, until he exploded into sparks, much like his fallen brothers.

Staring straight at each other were the last two people on the battlefield; Barry Wheeler and King Sombra. The king glared at his opponent and asking with his gravely voice, "Give up while you still can."

"Or else what?"

"Or else I will kill you." Sombra growled, trying to intimidate this strange creature so he can advance to the castle in front of him.

Barry smirked; the kind of smirk an internet troll would use if they succeeded in what they were doing and asked, "You and what army?"

Sombra roared, descended his chariot and put his hooves on solid ground. With a flick of his horn Sombra channeled a blade of pure darkness and charged at the bipedal fat man of destruction. He swung his sword with all of his might, but something caused it to stop. He then noticed something; the foolish boy was using his headlamp as a unicorn horn/sword to combat him! He tried again but the red parka desperado blocked. He unleashed a flurry of jabs, swings, and stabs, but sadly the man blocked every last one!

That was when Barry went on the offensive; with using a combo of his own, he managed to get a flew hits, causing sparks to bleed out of the evil king. His headlamp began to get brighter; with his full power, he sliced the blade of shadow into pieces and look at the king, who's face was of disbelief. To have his strongest weapon destroyed by a mere light! Ridiculous! Barry got closer to Sombra and picked him up by the neck.

"What are you going to do?" Sombra let out through struggled gasps, "Kill me?"

"Yes," Barry answered simply, "Put I'm going to add a little flair, and make you go out with a bang!"

Using all of his strength, Barry Wheeler threw Sombra into the air, and before the king could react, drew his flare gun and fired it into the sky, connecting with Sombra dead on. AS the brightness intensified, followed by two explosions; one from the flare gun and the other from the king turning into nothing but ashes but his horn, which Barry caught, threw to the ground, and stomped into pieces with his heel. He looked up to the sky as he saw the sun slowly rise. He turned his head towards the castle with a smile on his face, happy that he did what he was sent out to do.

When he returned from the castle grounds, the princesses thank him for having such valor as to take on all of those entities of darkness, and survive. He told them he did it to help those in need. The princesses(who introduced themselves as Celestia, Luna, and Twilight) kept their promise and created a portal for the intrepid hero to return to his homestead. Before he could go through it, however, he was stopped by the smallest and youngest of the princesses, Twilight. "Champion of Light, there's something we need to tell you."

He scratched his bald head, wondering what he apparently needed to know, "Alright, go ahead. Fire away."

"Barry wake up."

With a startled yell, Barry's eyes fluttered open. He could only see darkness, but soon a lamp to the right of him was clicked on it's own. He heard the voice once again, this time soothing him, "Shh, baby, just another nightmare."

Before he could reply, his brain's cogs began to move. He knew that voice! Why would it be here? Why did it call him baby? Turning his head to where the voice rang, he froze. It was his best friend and writer Alan Wake in pink lipstick.

His scream pierced the silent, dark night sky.

He screamed again, lifting his head up as fast as he could but it crashed back on the hard surface it once laid on. He rubbed his head, confused. Why was there something above him? Suddenly, he understood; he was sleeping in his tanning bed the week after the Bright Falls Incident in order to stay away from the dark. Needless to say, it worked like a charm. Pushing his cancer coffin open, he lazily got out and rubbed his eyes. It looked as if it just had turned dawn, and he was happy for that. Walking slowly to the kitchen, he made himself a cup of bold coffee and toasted some toast, topping them with butter and grape jelly. Grabbing the newspaper on the table, he began to multitask nibbling on the bread and keeping an eye on the newspaper.

He decided he would tell Sarah the strange but ungodly awesome dream when she woke up.