I remember the first week.
At this point, the memory is pretty much stamped in permanent ink on my brain. I had to physically push myself to the place in the end, as I kept thinking I wouldn’t be able to hold my composure. My mind was in a fog, a fog so thick with heartbreak, sadness, and grief where it overran everything I used to do. Even flying became an activity of chore.
It was early in the evening, at the point of time where the sun’s rays are warm and inviting, rather than stark and blinding. The entire day was spent in thought, which in my case was rather significant. Before then, I don’t remember a time where I spent so much time in deep thought, without doing anything else.
My thoughts scattered in all sorts of directions to say the least. Even now, I can’t recall the majority of them, but I do remember the lone idea all of them centered around.
Now what?
I kept repeating this to myself, day after day, and this quickly turned into weeks, and then even months. This simple two word phase, which beforehand was only used to question the future, now suddenly took up a meaning so massive where even now I still cannot wrap my head around it.
After that day, I really started to question my future, if it even existed at all.
If I even wanted it to exist anymore…
Sure, living life is difficult at times, I understand that. For every time I faceplanted while trying a new trick, for every declining letter I received from the Wonderbolts, for every occasion where my lack of sensitivity got the best of me, I was able to take each of these cuts and scrapes and learn from them. Each one I was able to let heal, and allow them to be a lesson of life, part of the experience of maturity and becoming the best pony I can be.
For every obstacle life threw in my path, I was able to dust myself off and get right back up. Rainbow Dash isn’t somepony who lets life’s struggles drag them down, and I always lived by this creed. Sure, I would always have my ego and boast too much, or maybe be lazy too often. That’s just who Rainbow Dash is, or was.
But on some occasions, these struggles and difficulties, well let’s just say some holes in the road are bigger than others. Sometimes it was harder for me to bounce back from certain experiences. Remember the whole Mare do Well incident? I’m sure you do, after all, you were the one behind the stunt.
That one really hurt though. At the end I did understand the lesson taught about how I let the whole hero thing go to my head. Even now, I become annoyed at the memory, not because of the way the lesson was taught, but more because of the arrogant and selfish attitude of mine.
Eventually, I rebounded from this, even though it was a bigger obstacle than others.
And then came perhaps my biggest obstacle I ever faced. Yeah I can see that little smile forming on that pretty face of yours, of course you would know exactly who I’m talking about.
Love wasn’t something I knew much about, in fact, I pretty much knew zip-a-dee-doo-dah about it. Sure, I had love for flying and the Wonderbolts (okay and maybe for Spitfire just a tad), but that wasn’t like this type of love.
Love for another pony was a whole different story. Heck, I wasn’t even sure what side of the coin I was on at the time.
It didn’t take long for me to find out.
I remember it being around three years ago, a day in which I decided to come to the library to hang out. You were there, moving about and doing studies of some sort…
The library stood in the same place it always did. But there seemed to be something different about it today. Normally I wouldn't think much of your home, not that there was anything wrong with the library. I mean a building stocked to the brim with books isn't exactly the sort of thing that I'd like, with the exception being if they were all of the Daring Do series. I could only imagine how happy I would be if the series was that huge.
But as I looked upon your house, it just seemed to be so much larger and a tad threatening if that makes sense. I don't expect the library to suddenly grab me or something, I think it probably had to do with the whole reason I was here in the first place.
Standing at the door, a sudden shakiness came over me the closer my hoof came to making contact with the dark cherry colored door. Of course I would start to get nervous, but anypony in this situation would right? Finally, I gave the door a couple of rather loud taps, and waited for your voice to ask who it was. Surprisingly, a minute or so went by without response, which confused me because I was more than 120% certain you were in there.ffill
I hopped up and gently floated up onto your balcony by your bedroom window, trying to be stealthy so it wouldn't seem like I was spying on you or something. However you weren't there either, and I was beginning to be worried that perhaps you weren't home at all. I had bothered to confront myself enough to come here to ask you this question, and there was no way I was going to head home without a response!
Flying back to the front door, I knocked once more, yet again waiting a bit for a response. A second occurrence of silence met my ears. At this point I was getting a bit annoyed, and decided to see if the door was actually open.Naturally it was open the whole time, and I invited myself inside, closing it behind me.
“Twilight, are you there? If you’re busy, I can come back later.”
My mind was currently split up into two totally opposite thought processes. The first was egging me on in the question I wanted to ask the unicorn, trying to give me all the encouragement possible and telling me that everything would be alright in the end, no matter what. It also tried to convince me of the reward that could come if the answer I got was what I was looking for.
At the same time the other half was telling me to leave as fast as my wings could propel me. It practically screamed the words "bad idea" at the question I was going to ask Twilight, stating that not only will you not be satisfied with the answer given, but that our friendship might be ruined by this very question alone. And this side of my mind also started to worry about my overall appearance, as well as if the small gift I had brought was appropriate for the occasion.
"Just a minute!" I heard you call from some room upstairs.
The positives and negatives continued to have an all out brawl inside my head. It honestly was starting to give me a headache at this point.
It was also at this point where I did a double take on the current situation.
Here I was, standing in your living room with a mane that actually looked like it was given proper care. You would already figure something was up, as I never usually brush my hair for any sort of occasion. Heck, even Rarity had to do it when we went to the Grand Galloping Gala, and I think that was the last time I had my hair done up nice. I'm surprised I even knew how to do that.
On top of all that, I was holding flowers. Rainbow Dash doesn't do flowers (well only in nature and a natural setting) or mushy stuff, and of all kinds I could have gotten, I got roses. A dozen of the reddest most perfectly awesome roses the florist had in their shop, because you deserve the best they could offer. And from what Rarity and Flutters have mentioned countless times about roses, they are a universal symbol of love. So logically it made sense to buy roses in this situation. I almost bought these cool ones which were red and yellow and shaped like stars, but was scolded by Rarity as apparently they are a symbol of sorrow and death. I didn't exactly want that to be the message.
I watched as you made your way down the stairs, looking down upon me as I held the bouquet of flowers in my hoof. You seemed generally confused, but within moments your expression turned into one of surprise as you seemed to figure out my motives.
“Hi Rainbow. So… who are the flowers for?” At this point, I think both of us knew the answer to that one.
“Well, I got them for you,” I replied sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure if you were the type of pony who liked mushy gifts and stuff, so I gambled and bought a dozen roses for you. It was really hard for me to come here without anypony seeing me with them,” I chuckled a bit, and handed the radiant bouquet to the still bewildered unicorn before me.
“They’re beautiful Rainbow, thank you. Now, is there a reason you bought these for me?” you looked at the roses, seemingly marveling at how each single entity seemed in near perfect condition. I couldn't help but do the same, even though roses weren't exactly a flower I liked. But the florist had done such a good job, and she didn't even seem annoyed at when I asked her for the best roses available. Sure, they had cost quite the bits, hopefully it would be worth it.
“Well..,” I began, rubbing the back of my head, “I just was wondering if you would be up to having dinner later?”
“Dinner? You mean like at your place or my place?” You gave me a gently encouraging smile to continue on with what I was going to say. Suddenly the worry that I originally had seemed to lighten a bit at how easy you were making everything.
“Actually, I was looking at this great restaurant Flutters recommended. It doesn’t seem to overly expensive, and the food is great, and…”
“Rainbow, are you asking me on a dinner date?”
I turned red as a beet and I knew it as I could feel the heat rising in my face. Then again, it was painfully obvious what I was going to ask anyway. I mean most friends don't exactly just hand out roses and ask to go to dinner. So why I was acting surprised was even confusing for me. “… That depends on the answer you give me.”
I watched as Twilight began to ponder to situation, her hoof coming up to gently stroke her chin as she thought. My mind was all over the place by now. I started to formulate all these negative outcomes and what would happen if you said no, while at the same time dreaming of what the perfect day with you would be like, as well as all the incredible days we would have together if you answered how I had hoped.
But I could see that little smile on your face, the same one that originally made me start falling for you in the first place, begin to creep back onto your face.
“So if I say yes…”
I tried not to overreact. The key word here is tried.
I failed in doing so.
Within seconds I had bolted up from the floor and had scooped up Twilight in the hug of all hugs, celebrating her acceptance of me asking her out. Twilight for her own sake seemed more than pleased by the affection and the reaction I was giving, with the exception that she requested I stopped squeezing her so hard, as she needed to breathe. Sometimes I forget how strong all of the physical activity makes me.
“So, hows 6pm tomorrow sound? I’m a bit busy today, and want to finish up an important project of mine,” Twilight asked, explaining the situation out. That made sense onto why she didn't answer the door both times I had attempted knocking.
“A-okay by me! I got some things I need to do myself." This was relatively true, although it basically consisted of celebrating the successful date planning.
"Catch ya later Twi!” With that, I, zoomed up through the open window, as Twilight looked on, looking back to see Twilight shaking her head as a smile etched its way on her face.
That night turned out to be something out of a dream. Everything, from the food, to how easy we were having conversation, to the decision to take turns swinging in a playground under the moonlight, everything seemed perfect. At times, it seems if my dreams were my reality, and the two were blending into one single vision.
The following year created so many new memories as our relationship blossomed. Of course, there were some which were more significant than others, one of them being the day we came out to all our friends.
It had been one day where we had decided to have a random picnic and invite AJ, Pinkie, Rares, and Shy. Even being somewhat of a random decision, all of them happily accepted, and we all went out to the wide fields beyond Fluttershy’s cottage. The sky was bluer than I had ever witnessed, and I think it was also the same day I discovered your talent for sandwich making.
While the day itself was filled with laughter and enjoyment, the two of us had a reason for the unexpected get together.
It was right after lunch. We sat them all down and began to explain what was going on between the two of us. You told most of the story, and surprisingly didn’t go off on a 30 minute tangent detailing every moment we spent together. Relax, I’m just teasing you, but you did like to talk about things you loved, especially myself. And don’t get me started on the chemistry lecture you gave me one afternoon. I practically wanted to do a Van Gogh and do away with my ears. What an odd pony he was.
I’ll never forget everypony’s reaction. At first, I was kinda afraid some of them might not accept the whole thing. Although the majority of Ponyville was accepting of “fillyfoolers” as some of them called it, there were still ponies who stayed the traditional route and frowned on the concept, deeming it not right. AJ was my main concern, as I assumed Granny Smith to be a traditionalist.
It turned out that not only was I completely wrong, but AJ seemed to be one of the happiest for us. All of them were ecstatic, especially Pinkie, who demanded we throw a massive celebration party immediately. You seemed flattered by the offer, but politely denied Pinkie, promising her that a future party could definitely be planned.
But that day, it was another one of those blurred lines of reality and dreams for me. It just seemed too perfect to be reality, and at times I assumed that I was living out my fantasies. Of course I knew that it was real, but it just seemed like everything was going overly perfect. And the rest of that year seemed nearly flawless, every memory spent with you making me the happiness mare in Equestria.
Then came the day where everything began to fall apart. The day our world showed signs of cracking, chunks of it falling into the unknown.
You seemed to have a simple cold. It was the dead of winter at the time, so anypony would assume that as being normal. Sickness was always higher during the winter with everypony staying inside more.
So we went to the doctor to get you checked out. He merely wrote it off as nothing but the common cold, encouraging that there was nothing to be worried about, and that it would go away with some medication and patience.
A day went by.
Then a few more.
Soon a week had passed, and you didn’t seem any better. In fact, your overall condition had gotten worse, to the point where you stayed bedridden upstairs. Spike and I stayed right there with you and did everything we could to lighten the situation. I even read one of your fantasy books, all 300 pages of it over the course of a few days. To this day, I use words I learned from that book.
We took you to the same doctor as before, and again he didn’t think it was anything overly serious. He did seem surprised at the length of the supposed cold, but said that it would take a little more time than usual to go away.
I had even barked at the guy, demanding that you be looked at deeper for something more than a cold. The doctor had put a hoof on my shoulder and comforted me, encouraging that everything would be alright.
Everything will be alright. I repeated that in my head and tried to believe it. Everything will be alright.
Everything was not alright.
I had woken up earlier than you on the second day after our second doctor visit. My first thought was how strange this was, as there was never a day where you would sleep later than me. Even all the previous days you were sick, you still woke up before me every single day. You called the mornings your peaceful time, a time you savored.
I knew this, and looked over to see it was late morning, around 11am I think. Throwing my blanket off, I made my way out of the guest room and towards your room. I would have slept with you and kept you company through the night, but you repeatedly encouraged me to sleep in a different bed, afraid if I got sick as well. So I did, although I wasn’t happy about it.
Opening the door, you seemed to be in a peaceful slumber, and I almost left you there to continue sleeping. Instead, I went over and nudged you awake, but you gave no response.
It was then I realized something was truly wrong.
Your skin was cool to the touch, lacking any of the radiant warmth I was used to. And you were unconscious, so no matter how hard I shook you or tried to wake you up, those violet eyes wouldn’t flutter and look in my direction.
I can’t remember the last time I flew as fast as I did that day. Even to this day, I’m shocked I didn’t do a sonic rainboom right then and there on the way to the hospital.
You were cradled in my arms as I held you close, deciding that my own ability would get us to the hospital faster than an ambulance could. Only now did I realize my arrogance, as the paramedics could have probably tried to stabilize you while on their way to the hospital. Subjecting your cooler than normal body to harsh winds wasn’t one of my brightest ideas.
A nurse came over to me as I started to panic, and I remember her fear stricken eyes as she felt Twilight’s neck, feeling the same coolness I had moments before. Soon you were on a gurney, a team of doctors and nurses wheeling you down the corridor, while two nurses held me back. How they convinced me to wait in a waiting room I will never understand, but they were able to calm me down enough to do it.
I could feel my dreams slipping away as I sat in that waiting room, watching as the second hand made its way around and around. At one point, being a Wonderbolt was my dream, but I soon figured out that they weren’t going to take me in anytime soon. I’m willing to bet I was too hot-headed and overly confident, which I can’t exactly disagree with.
No, my dream now was to be with you every step we took in life. To wake up and see your beautiful face and eyes glimmering with life, looking straight into mine as we smiled at one another. I would have been fine just spending time together with you, me, and all our friends.
Every memory we had together over that year began to replay in my head, almost like an entire slideshow of our relationship. I began to realize how negative I was being as I sat in that waiting room, observing an older stallion who was sitting across from me.
Of all the places I would rather be in right now, a dull depressing waiting room in a hospital was the last of them. For a hospital which prided itself on being so high tech and updated, you would think that they could at least go to the trouble of actually giving an upgrade to this sad excuse they called a waiting room.
The chairs were worn and had seen better days by far. In the far corner from where I was sitting stood a small magazine stand on a tabletop, a bunch of reading material strung carelessly all over said table. The walls were painted a plaster off white color which didn't exactly bring warmth into my currently depressed heart. Even the windows were dusty and one seemed to rattle a bit as the breezes outside hit against it.
I sat idle in one of these chairs, what already little patience I had beginning to wear ever so thin. My entire body ached, mostly due to how quick I had flown here with Twilight. Any pegasus knows to stretch before giving 100%, but that rule needed to be broken. I reached back to my right side and began massaging my wing, wincing as the pain increased to levels which I hadn't felt in a long time. That was most likely a pretty bad sprain, or even a breakage. But for Twi's case, I would break both of my wings to make sure she was okay right now.
But right now I could only worry about you as I continued to wait here. I knew ponies weren't supposed to go into chills and unconsciousness like you did suddenly. I also knew colds didn't get worse that drastically. So was I sitting there thinking of all the negatives of the situation? You bet I was.
“Are you alright dear?”
My head jerked up to the voice in question, and my eyes rested upon a pegasus stallion who sat across from me. He was a much older pony, most likely retired, and sported a pair of worn black glasses which sat on his wrinkled face. His fur was a cream colored sort of white, while his thinning mane was a softer yellowish color and had streaks of black going through it.
I had no idea why this stranger was talking to me, but dismissed it any a stallion who was being quite nosy. I mean I wasn't asking about his life was I? The last thing I felt like doing was having small talk with a pony I had never seen in my life.
“Other than my marefriend being in an operating room of some sort while I sit here with no information, I’m fine I guess,” I replied sarcastically, wondering why he would ask such a stupid question.
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. Hopefully your special somepony gets well soon.”
“Thank you," I replied, putting on a much gentler tone as I realized he was harmless. To be honest, I felt really bad for giving him such a snotty attitude. For all I knew, he could be in the same situation as me, but was looking for somepony to talk to. As much as I didn't feel like conversing with anypony, perhaps helping him out would make me feel better as well. “Sorry for the sarcasm, I’m just really panicked and worried right now.”
The stallion nodded slowly, a look of acceptance on his face. “Apology accepted. Don’t worry, I understand the situation you’re in. The first time I took my wife here I nearly broke the operation doors trying to get in and be with her. I was afraid to let her out of my sight.”
I was caught off guard by the story, realizing that he must have felt the same emotions I currently felt. “The first time? Do you mean she is in here again?” I didn't mean to come off a nosy, but I was curious onto what he was talking about.
“Sadly yes,” the stallion replied. “She’s suffered from very severe asthma all her life, and more often now the attacks require hospital stays. Some are longer than others, but I’ve gotten quite used to this little room by now," he explained, while gesturing over to the magazine rack. "I think I've read every single book and magazine there by now. The nurses always ask if there is anything they can get me, but I simply shake my head, as the patients are much more important that myself. The only thing I ever request is a blanket and pillow so I can be relatively comfortable when I sleep here."
"Wait, you don't go home for the night?"
"Never have," he replied. "It's not that I don't want to, because anypony would prefer a nice warm bed to sleep in. No, I always fear that if I were to leave the my wife alone here, I would come back to find that I'm alone myself."
You know it takes a lot for me to actually cry, but I was on the brink of doing so as he explained his situation. The hurricane of thoughts in my mind began to subside a bit as I looked at this stallion before me. I wanted nothing more than to give him a hug, and help him cope. I bet Pinkie would highly approve of me doing this, but I'm not exactly the type to hug strangers.
“I’m so sorry…” It's all I was able to say.
“There is nothing to be sorry for child. It is a condition which she was born with, there is nopony to blame,” he responded calmly. “Every time I come here, I try to be as optimistic as I can. All the good memories we had drift into my head, and I can only be thankful for all of them. Even if she were to leave me today, I can rest peacefully at night knowing not what we weren’t able to do, but all that we did.”
I watched as the old stallion closed his eyes and smiled, marveling at how wise he seemed to be. What he said was true to every word and very believable, but my only issue was the difference in ages of him and I. I know he wasn't directing that comment at me, but you and me are way too young to have to worry about the future this much.
“I don’t think I ever introduced myself. My name is Rainbow, Rainbow Dash.” I got up and trotted over beside him and offered my hoof in a hardy hoofshake. He grasped it in his own, and shook happily, before letting go so I could take a seat next to him. “Nice to meet you Rainbow. My name is Vanilla Bean. Say, you were that pegasus who won that young fliers competition a year or so ago correct?”
The egotistical me was starting to arise, but only a tad. I had to merely grin at that remark at stand up proudly. “That’s me. I was the one who did the sonic rainboom.” While Twilight’s condition was still a raging hurricane in my mind, at least this stallion was enjoyable to talk to. It helped me keep from going crazy for the time being.
“Ah yes, I remember that. It was truly a sight to behold, and fitting for you too,” he replied, gesturing to my mane and tail. “I’ve watched the Young Flier’s Competition for many years, I can’t remember a pegasus with as much determination as you. It was something to admire.”
I always loved to boast and prided myself with my accomplishments, welcoming all the comments anypony had for me. But to be complimented genuinely by a stallion like himself, well that was actually pretty touching.
“Thanks, I really appreciate that.”
We sat in silence for a little while, before another questioned popped into my mind that I was dying to ask him beforehand. I was a little skeptical that he might take it the wrong way, but went with it anyway.
“When you mentioned the optimism thing, how exactly can that work for me? You’re much older than I am.”
Vanilla scooted over and placed his hoof over mine, looking right into her violet eyes. “I never did say that it applied to everypony. But think about life not as a number, but more about the quality of each and every day. There are ponies that are much younger than I, and have accomplished much more than I ever have, and ever dreamed of doing. But I’m okay with that, because in my eyes I lived each day of my life, and regretted nothing.”
“But how do you stay optimistic?”
“Well..,” Vanilla began, “I look at it like this. Would my wife like me to remember her in a negative light, always thinking about what we couldn’t do? Or instead, would she want to me remember her and smile at every lasting memory we’ve made. I don’t know about you, but the latter seems much more appealing.”
I couldn’t agree more.
I never truly forgot that conversation, and even to this day think of it here and there. While I waited in that waiting room, I kept on repeating the words he said to me in my mind. The phrase “everything will be alright” returned, and started to be as optimistic as possible, hoping that this was something you and me could fight and overcome, just like we have so many other times.
The conversation was seemingly erased once I got word that I could come into the room which you had been moved to. Even though I had gotten up as quick as I possibly could, I couldn’t help but think about the worst case scenario in the back of my head. I just hoped it wouldn’t come true.
Sometimes hope doesn’t work.
The doctor and nurse sat me down, and I could sense the anxiety in the air as they revealed what would shatter my being, heart, and my soul.
Cancer.
You had cancer of her horn. It was something I didn’t even know was possible, and to this day never had heard a single case of. The doctor said it was one of the rarest forms of not only cancer, but one of the rarest diseases in Equestria. He explained how if found very early on, it could be halted by removal of the horn, and if said unicorn was lucky, they didn’t do any spells upon its discovery.
It took me a bit to realize that you continually used her magic while you were sick, and my blood suddenly froze as the doctor continued his explanation. The scans showed that the cancer had spread due to your use of magic, and was present in just about every major organ. Your lungs, your kidneys, everything was beginning to fail at the same time.
I was scared to absolute core to ask what I did next, but I just had to know.
My question was answered.
About a day.
Everything seemed to stop at that present time as I began to take what this meant. It’s like my mind stopped working for a second as it tried to understand the gravity of the situation. No matter which way I turned it, I had trouble just believing that this was still reality. At this point, my dreams had been set aflame, a forest which was burning to the ground. This fire, was one I currently stood in, a nightmare worse than any I could imagine.
I don’t even remember when the doctor and nurse left the room. All I could see was you lying in that hospital bed, your eyes closed off to mine, your body growing colder by the second. Your beautiful lavender coat had already faded somewhat, and sadly would continue to.
It was around this time Spike barreled into the room. The panic in his eyes was enough to make me break into tears right then and there. He looked at Twilight, and then me, and then back again before coming to the realization of the situation. I think the hopeless, saddened look of my eyes gave it away. I tried to open my mouth to say something to calm him down, anything, but all I was doing was choking back the sobs within me which continued to grow.
So I stopped holding back. The tears started to fall down onto the tiled floor below as I cried my heart out, something I don’t ever remember doing since I met you. Spike was already tearing up himself at this point, so I pulled him close and held him tight. I couldn’t imagine what he felt right now. Yes, you were special to me, but you were his mother, and his best friend. To lose one of these is hard enough, let alone both. What was probably worst was that I had to tell him you had only a day…
Eventually the two of us stopped crying, knowing that the time you had left should be shared with not just Spike and myself, but all your friends. In the end, the rest of the girls and Princess Celestia herself made their way down to the hospital.
Something rather surprising was the modesty Celestia showed once she arrived at the hospital. She arrived under her own power, none of those hardnosed guards with her. And she told everypony to treat her merely as a visitor of a patient. I had a feeling your own modesty was the reason behind this.
Her reaction was rather interesting. She managed to keep her steady and solid composure like always, but I could definitely make out tears falling from the corners of her eyes. It made me think of just how many ponies close to her she has seen in the same situation, being immortal and all. I felt really bad for her as I watched, and actually went over to her and grabbed her hoof, just holding it. She looked down at me, and I offered up a look of comfort over the situation. It seemed to help her a bit, as she did acknowledge my hoof, and continued holding it.
Each of the girls took it extremely hard, as I imagined they would. AJ cried, openly cried her eyes out and just had nothing to say. She went up to give you a hug and actually left right after that. I don’t think it her being disrespectful or anything, I think she couldn’t take seeing you in that state.
Fluttershy cried her heart out, and just seemed like a broken mess. Just watching her break down in hysterics made me almost start crying again, but I tried to keep my composure. I already had shed enough tears earlier on.
Rarity too was an emotional wreck, although her tantrum was a mix of pure heartbreak, sadness, and a lot of anger. It was anger she made very clear as she started shouting about how it wasn’t fair that a pony like yourself was taken away from us. To be fair, all of us probably felt the same way, although she was really the only one to make it heard.
As for Pinkie, well, this was only the 2nd time ever that I saw her fluffy and curly hair straighten out and de-poof, if that’s the right word. She seemed oddly calm though, almost as if she wasn’t yet sure how to react to a situation. I don’t think the overall impact hit her until after the funeral. It took weeks before her hair regained that fun poofiness we all have come to love.
But eventually all of them left, each one of them giving me solemn looks of pity, pity I didn’t want and couldn’t accept. I ended up telling Spike to stay with Rarity for the night, not because I didn’t trust the dragon, but because I felt that in a situation like this, being with somepony else would be good for him.
I stayed.
The doctors were nice enough to accept my request to remain in your room overnight. As much as I tried to avoid it, my mind started to count down the time you had left. I knew it was almost a matter of hours, and I would do just about anything to stop this from happening. I even asked Princess Celestia about any spells which could cure cancer, but she shook her head, saying even that was out of her control.
I was told sometime in the morning it would happen. All I could do with myself is lay next to you on that hospital bed, staring at your face while gently running my hooves through your hair. The beeps of the heart monitor machine echoed behind me, and I could tell that it was starting to slow and soften with time.
For what seemed like an eternity of time, I stayed with you as close as I could, trying to keep myself from crying all over your bedsheets.
Then out of nowhere, you took a longer breath, and exhaled one last time before the all familiar beeps ceased in sound. All I could hear was the long drone of the machine, knowing full and well what it meant, even as I tried to pretend it was just another nightmare.
I lost track of time as I continued to lie beside you, burying my face into the crook of your neck. Slow deep sobs escaped me, originating all the way to my core as I attempted to take in the magnitude of what had occurred. But I refused to believe it, I refused to believe that everything could be taken away from me that easily. And I remember, I began to think that this couldn’t be reality. All of this was just a bad dream which eventually would go away. You showed me the stages of grief once. It was textbook denial as you would say.
Eventually, I forced myself to get off the bed to turn off the heart monitor, or EKG as the doctor called it. For a while I just stood at the foot of your bed, observing your lifeless form. And I continued to stand there, watching in some sort of fog as the doctors came back and started the post-death routine they always did for the situation. I hardly noticed anything was happening.
This continued for days.
Every single day was spent going through the motions of the day. I paid no attention to specifics like what I should have for dinner, or if I should practice a trick or two. Instead, I merely did what I normally did every day, and left it as that. Emotionally, I had no idea what to feel, if I felt anything at all. It was as if you took all of it out of me when you left. It’s as if your passing… was mine as well.
That fog continued right though the funeral. Sadly, I don’t remember a lot of it, even the part where I spoke. All I can recall is that everypony seemed extremely worried about my well-being at the time. Fluttershy offered her home to me, repeatedly saying I shouldn’t be alone at the time. Its kinda ironic in a way, here I was earlier having the same worry for Spike, and yet I fail to follow my own advice.
Everything went back to normal following that, or as normal as it could possibly get. Slowly but surely everypony went back to their normal routines, and smiles and laughter eventually started to pop up again. Even Spike with time started to act like his old self again, and he decided to remain with Rarity for the time being. Rarity didn’t mind, and in fact welcomed the dragon to stay as long as he pleased. To this day, your brother remains in good hooves. Heck, I heard Rares is spoiling him with gems sometimes. I gotta remind the little guy not to eat too many at a time.
But everypony was able to heal and continue their lives.
Everypony but me.
That fog continued and soon months had passed by with nothing really changing. I still did my weather duties, but I started to always be on duty on time, something everypony was impressed with, yet still a bit shocked about. I still visited all of our friends from time to time and caught up, trying my best to hide and bottle up everything, even if at the time I wasn’t sure what it was.
There was one singular aspect of my routine which changed though.
Every Sunday I would take a run through the fields outside of Ponyville, going on a path similar to the one AJ and I raced on. I really enjoyed the scenery and fresh air nature provided me, and it seemed as if nopony knew about it, as I never encountered a soul. It always passed outside of Fluttershy’s home, and this was normally the place I would start.
After about 10 miles or so there would be a clearing to the right, which was about twice the size of my own home. It was surrounded by so many different types of trees, many which I couldn’t name. I bet you could if I ever showed you the place. The field was dotted with hundreds and hundreds of lavender plants, all of them together making the field look amazingly bright with color. It was the same color I always identified you with.
And right in the center of this field, was a headstone.
It’s yours.
It read, “Twilight Sparkle. Element of Magic. A true friend to everypony she met.” Rarity had come up with the words, and all of us agreed it was modest enough yet appropriate enough for you.
I came here every week after the funeral, just to relax for a bit by you. Sometimes I like to believe that your spirit is still among us, and that this is the strongest source of it was.
Over time, I’ve been able to keep it in near perfect condition, as if it was brand new. On occasion I’ll plant other things around here other than the lavender which is already in abundance. AJ helped me plant a rosebush, and it’s doing pretty well as of right now. It started with only 2 blooms, but now there’s a dozen currently about ready to open up to the world.
That fog continued to hover over me despite the calm and peace coming here gave me, that is, until one day about a year ago.
It was the same as any other Sunday, I was on my run down the path heading to your stone, when I noticed a blip in front of me. It was certainly the form of another pony, as I could tell by the slight movements it made. I kept on running at my normal pace, and watched as this pony grew in size as I approached it. I didn’t stop running, but I greeted him with a good morning, to which this stallion (I had figured it out as I got closer) responded with a “good morning miss”.
As I ran, I wondered why he was on this path to begin with. I had been running here for a good year at this point, and never did encounter a soul on the path. It bugged me for a while as I continued on my way, when a lingering thought suddenly exploded in my mind like a firework. I skidded to a halt, nearly tripping over myself as my hooves dug into the harden dirt below.
I knew that voice from somewhere…
It connected a second after that thought, as I remembered Vanilla Bean, the older stallion who I met at the hospital that day. I never did see him after that day till now, but knowing that I had just passed him got my spirits up. So I turned back and began running much faster than before, but this time with more of a purpose. He had been standing next to a cluster of Cherry trees which grew along the path, perhaps harvesting some of the fruit.
However, as I reached the area, the stallion was nowhere to be seen. I wondered for a second it Reality was playing tricks on me, and combining with my dreams. Defeated, I ended up sitting down to catch my breath for a second, when his voice began to ring in my ears.
“But think about life not as a number, but more about the quality of each and every day. There are ponies that are much younger than I, and have accomplished much more than I ever have, and ever dreamed of doing. But I’m okay with that, because in my eyes I lived each day of my life, and regretted nothing…”
The fog finally started to clear as I realized what an idiot I had been. Here I was, the Rainbow Dash, treating everyday as forgettable and meaningless, when I always used to look at every singular day as a window for new opportunities. I was the one who saw each day as a time for action, and here I was letting each one waste away into nothing.
I got up and continued my run, but for the first time in a year felt content with myself. As I made my way to your headstone, I realized that of all ponies, you wouldn’t want your death to change how we all truly are. In fact, you’d probably encourage us to live our lives to the fullest in spirit of you. I can’t believe even now that it took me a year to finally figure it out.
And here I am 2 years later, sitting right next to your beautiful headstone, watching the clouds roll on by. I’ve been doing really well lately, and to be honest haven’t felt this good in a long time. I’ve gone back to practicing my tricks again, this time however I have a student to teach them to in Scootaloo. It’s interesting to act as the teacher, I can see how you feel when you taught be things back in the day.
I continue to treat each day as unique, exciting for what could happen next, or what curveball might be thrown at me. Not only now do I have my own perseverance on display, but now in the back of my mind is your spirit, whether or not it truly exists. What matters is that I think I do.
Even now, I like to think that you can hear me talk still, that I’m actually having a conversation with you even if it might be a bit one sided. That’s quite alright though, I don’t mind being the talker as you be the listener. I can almost see you sitting right in front of me sometimes, your face smiling and lighting as I talk about my week.
To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever fully heal, and right now I don’t feel perfect. There are still the lingering nightmares sometimes, but I’ve learned to accept them as nightmares, as not being real.
But then there are the dreams, so many nights to where I’ve lost count.
I have dreams of these amazing adventures the two of us have. Just last night I dreamed of us scaling one of the biggest mountains in Equestria. We both struggled and clawed our way to the top of this massive and dangerous rock, not because we needed to or anything, but because we wanted to prove to ourselves that we were strong enough as a duo to accomplish this. And in the end we did reach the peak, and we could see all of Ponyville as we shared a crisp meeting of our lips.
These dreams are so incredibly vivid, it sometimes scares me on how real they seem. When I wake up the next morning, I’m actually sort of depressed to discover that none of it was real, and that my bed remains empty. I have these days where I can’t wait to go back to sleep in anticipation for another dream like that, something I hate to admit but really can’t deny.
For these last two years, I still continue to question reality and my dreams. The dreams I have with you I would take over reality in a heartbeat, but I know that isn’t a choice.
But I know that there is one day in the future, when I’ll wake up from one of these amazing dreams, I’ll see not an empty bed, but your beautiful violet eyes looking right back at me. I don’t know when that’ll be, but each and every day I hope that wish will come true.
For now however, I’m not living in reality, although it is obvious that I am. I still am breathing, I still can talk, eat, feel pain, and experience anything a living pony can experience.
Instead, I prefer my dreams.
I’m alive in my dreams more than I’ll ever be in reality. So every day, as much as I may enjoy myself with whatever I may be doing, I can’t help but get excited for going to sleep for the night.
Last night I saw you in my dreams.
Now I can’t wait to go to sleep.
Author's Note
To be fair, I wasn't sure where I was going with this one. It just happened to turn into the story that it is right now.
If anybody wants to edit the story and tell me what my errors and mistakes are, by all means go ahead. It's welcomed.
And please leave a comment below, each person who does receives a cookie! Not just any cookie, but those larger soft cookies that are like 4 of the normal size. XD
Thanks for reading!
PS: I might be writing an epilogue to this eventually, that'll depend on if people want it. Let me know below.
