Depressed. Angry. Hurt. Lost.
Alone.
These five words sum up my life indefinitely. But I never act like it. I always act cheery, like I’m happy. Like I mean something to the world.
When in fact I am not.
My name is Derpy Hooves. I live on the West side of Ponyville with my uncle, close to Sweet Apple Acres. I am 18, and I am a massive recluse…
And I know what everypony thinks of me.
They think I’m useless. That I won’t amount to anything.
And maybe they’re right…
For most of my life, I lived in Los Pegasus. I had very few friends, but what I had was good enough for me.
They all said I was a happy cheery pony. That they enjoyed my company.
I enjoyed their company as well. But I wasn’t happy.
There were a couple ponies that I was around the most. And it was hell.
One of the ponies was named Berry Punch. She was my father figure, despite the fact she was a female. I always wanted to be like her, but was never able to achieve it.
She always put me down. She always treated me like crap. And, for some reason, I still looked up to her. I still wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her like me.
Why, you may ask. Why would you succumb to this?
Because she was the only father I really had. My real father left before I was even born. To this day, I still haven’t met him, and I don’t plan on it, either.
Another pony that was really close to me was Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings. I talked to her more than anypony else. Even to this day, she knows more about me than anypony else. And I’m still very close to her. But what she knew caused fights between her and Berry. This caused more problems for me…
The last two ponies I was close to were Cloud Chaser and Thunderlane. They were like my best friends of all time. I happened to be older than both of them, Cloud Chaser being the youngest and Thunderlane was between us both age-wise. For the longest time, we couldn’t be separated. We had so much fun together. But, like all good things, it came to an end. They became highly involved with other things, which made them both start to drift away from me. And I started to become lonely…
Eventually, it came to a point where I began to hate Berry Punch. She began treating Lyra like crap as well…
And it pissed me off to all hell...
I became ignorant towards her, which just made things worse for both me and Lyra, but especially Lyra. Too many times have I seen her run off crying, while a pissed off Berry walks the other way…
I would always go to Lyra, and comfort her, try to make her feel better… and it never really worked…
I started becoming very depressed. I started thinking that everything Berry says about me was right… Everything around me began falling apart before my eyes… I started having thoughts of suicide… just ridding the planet of myself…
And then I met a new friend. A friend who were visiting from Ponyville: Pinkie Pie. She was in Los Pegasus for a couple days, and we started becoming great friends. Even after she left, we stayed in contact, eventually becoming besties. I began devoting all my time to her, to escape the stress I had to deal with on a daily basis. And it worked. I became happier. And when I was away, the stress came back… So every chance I got, I was talking to her through any means necessary, and it made me happy.
Eventually, I made a new friend: Twilight Sparkle. The same thing happened with her: I began devoting all my time to her and Pinkie. As our friendship grew, my connection with the outside world began to shrink…
And Lyra began noticing this. She wanted me to be happy, but she also wanted me to have a real life… but she let it slide, even though she wanted us to stay friends.
And we did. We continued talking, sharing laughs, and all around having a good time. But the sadness continued to grow in her eyes. The more and more I saw those sad eyes, the more the anger grew inside of me…
My anger hit its peak when I punched my refrigerator with all my might, injuring my hoof massively. It became swollen, and it was forever painful… it turns out I had gotten a hairline fracture…
That’s when I realized I had a problem.
I started becoming a recluse, hiding away to avoid hurting anypony, or myself. Hiding away and talking to my friends. Being a recluse kept me from hurting others, and I was okay with that…
Until I lashed out at Pinkie.
This upset me beyond belief. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.
But I cried.
I cried from this… That’s how badly it upset me…
But Pinkie claimed she was okay with it. I’m sure she was just saying that to make me feel better, but it worked… it did make me feel better.
After about a month, I couldn’t stand the crap anymore, and I left. Much to my surprise, Thunderlane was the one who took it the hardest, Lyra a close second. I moved to Ponyville, and my uncle took me in. I am grateful for that, because not only did he give me shelter… it also shows that there are ponies that care for me besides Lyra, Thunderlane, and Cloud Chaser…
I have been there for about two months now. They are a crazy bunch, but they mean well… I am still a recluse, though… Just sitting in a corner talking with my friends… but it’s what makes me happy. And what makes me happy is what matters most… I do miss them, though… I miss Lyra, Thunderlane, and Cloud Chaser… Since I left, things got worse for them, considering Berry starting being an asshat to Thunderlane… I worry for him… However, I feel that there is nothing I can do…
I still see the three of them from time to time… But not as often as I used to… I hope they can do well without me… but I fear that Berry won’t stop until he’s alone… and then it will be too late…
That’s my life… The life of a loner… the life of one who was hurt… The life of one who wishes her could make things right, but doesn’t have the power to do so…
Maybe someday…
