Anonymous the Human: GIF Rolling Extraordinaire

by xIMPERSONATORx

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 1438

A comedic 2nd-person oneshot about you (Anonymous), your family, a grand trek in the name of love, heated romance, murder, blackmail, unspeakable torture, and rape. But mostly just some funny garbage I wrote at three in the morning.

You, Anonymous, have participated in a game thread where your friends, family, and enemies are determined by the roll of a GIF. Little do you know that your life is about to change forever. You will embark on the journey of a lifetime, one of sibling rivalry, the power of love, an act of passionate lust, the controversial murder of a filly, and a corrupt politician's abuse of power.

It also contains only the classiest of sexual activities, I assure you.

But mostly, this an intellectually-deficient comedic one-shot that I threw together whilst banging my fists against my keyboard at 3 a.m., because I was bored.

Warning: contains light human-on-pony sex, incest, foalcon, and rape; all of it's fairly non-explicit and for comedic purposes.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-18 03:40:02 UTC

Gentleman and Scholar

Gentleman and Scholar

Day GIF roll game in Equestria. You are Anon, the only hyoomin in Equestria. Your schizophrenic mother, Nightmare Moon, was out last night trying, as usual, to usurp the throne with her friend, Pinkie Pie. Her previous plan to distract Celestia with a tied up colt nearly worked. Nearly. She came home this morning a teary-eyed wreck, distraught from yet another failure. She blasted through the door wailing at around 6 a.m. and woke everypony in the house for only the umpteenth time. Fucking Moon Goddess.

It's six twenty-five on a Satyrday morning, your anarchist mother woke you up early for the thirty-second time this month, and you really have to piss. The she-witch that inhabited the room across the hall in your modest home, Trixie, has spent the past half-hour in the bathroom caking on makeup, playing with her hair, and fixing a pushup-brace to make her crotchboobs look bigger. Wannabe stripper mare.

"I really gotta' piss, y'know!"

"Anon, the gorgeous and illustrious Trixie says that you cannot rush perfection... There, done."

You sprint into the bathroom and unleash a mighty flood upon the white valley of your porcelain bowl. Then you proceed with your daily violent shit, cold shower, and neckbeard shave. Afterwards, you groggily shuffle to the kitchen and see that your “father”, Berry Punch, has already drowned out his wife-induced headache with a half-emptied bottle of Smirnoff. You couldn't blame your lesbo-father for her alcoholism; it was the only way she could stand your bi-polar mother, apart from the make-up sex that would come later tonight. You contemplate committing sudoku some time before tonight, but that can wait until later. You sloppily scarf down a bowl of Applejacks, and you head off towards your fuckbuddy, Cadance's, house. Suuure she's your cousin, but that doesn't reeeally matter as it had been a common practice for royals both past and present to date within the family.

That, and you would never get tired of the finest, pink, marshmallow ass that never quit.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You are now a slightly skinnier, freezer burned Anonymous. It’s been eight days after you first set out for Cadance's castle. Fucking Crystal Empire. You waltz right into the palace; you and the guards there are total bros.

feelsgoodman.jpg

You walk into the throne room where Mary Sue is going over some foreign policy horseshit with Gary Stu.

"Hey cousin, it is your cousin," you say with a big, shit-eating grin, knowing full well from the scowl on his face and the daggers in his stare that Cadance's husbando hates your fucking guts out.

"Oh heya Nonny~" Cadance calls out as she flies in for a hug.

"Yeah, hey 'Nonny'," he forces through gritted teeth. Oh yeah, he's pissed.

”Whatcha’ wanna’ do today?” she asks. Goddammit that smile is cute.

“Come on cousin. Let’s go bowling."

And with that, she teleports the two of you to the center of Ponyville.

"Oh thank Faust you showed up. I've been so unsatisfied in bed with him lately; he says it's the cold weather, but I--"

You firmly plant a kiss on her muzzle. She closes her eyes as you rub the back of her neck and frisk a wing with you free hand. After a few heated seconds you break away, panting. You’re still connected to the candy-colored demigod by a strand of saliva and an air of desire between you. An apple flies through the air and hits you square in the side of the head, crushing the intimacy of the moment.

"What the fuck, bro!?" you shout as you take off your shirt and search for your assailant.

You're met with a cloudy-eyed, orange thousand-yard stare. Granny Smith. That religious wacko bitch hated you and your cousin's heretical relationship.

You want to tell her about Princess Celestia’s sexual escapades within the Royal Family to give her a heart attack. But you'd lose the respect of your bar hopping buddy/your mother’s alter ego, Luna, so you didn’t.

Cadance cast a love spell between the impossibly old mare and one of her wrinkled forehooves.

Granny Smith began shlicking on the spot, much to the blinding horror of anypony unfortunate enough to be in the marketplace, which is to say, the entirety of Ponyville.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You and your cousin are at the bowling alley, clumsily rolling balls down the narrow lane, and cheering loudly when you hit the pin just right for a strike. Well, you're kinda' behind the bowling alley behind a dumpster.

Close enough.

The risk of being seen by the many passerby only intensifies your mutual pleasure.

"T-turrrkeeeyyyyyy!" she squeals as she scores for the third time.

You really are surprised you haven't been found yet, although Granny Smith stirring up pie filling in the middle of town square is most likely the main event. As you roll bowling balls between those supple pink lane bumpers down the lane to hit that tricky seven-ten split, you hear a child scream from the alleyway.

"There! There they are, officer!" Diamond Tiara sobs.

ohshit.avi

You just had to say it. You turn around as you continue thrusting to glance at the police officer. You’re determined to finish one way or another.The officer slowly walks down the alleyway towards the two of you.

Cadance hurriedly yells, "Shit-Anon-gotta-go-talk-to-you-later-bye--" She poofs away.

Wasting no time, you charge straight into the police officer and knock him out with your now-blue bowling ball bag. You run past him and grab onto the squishy hips of the fleeing Diamond Tiara.

"I guess I'm gonna' pick up a spare!” you bellow to the heavens as you thrust into the wriggling filly and instantly ejaculate with the intensity of a thousand suns, sending her blasting off into the horizon with a twinkle. She dies upon impact with Canterlot Castle, and you pass out from exhaustion.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You had passed out, and are now naked, being dragged through town hall by two burly guard ponies. You are brought into Mayor Mare's office. She gazes upon you with a look steelier than her dyed mane.

"Leave him to me. You boys get out of here."

"Ma'am--"

She slams her hooves down. "NOW!"

They zip out the door and the bureaucrat sits back down at her desk. You piss yourself.

"Okay you degenerate piece of fucking trash, you killed the daughter of a stallion with connections in very high places, and if you want to get out of this alive, you'd better listen the fuck up."

"The way I see it, there's only one way you're living for another hour, and that's if... I pardon you."

She looks you up and down with a half-lidded gaze that you find even more terrifying than the shouting. She leaps over her desk, knocking you over and landing on top of your unclothed torso. You piss yourself again. You clench your eyes as she forcefully pins your arms to the office floor, and you begin to cry through clamped eyelids. Her toasty fur grinds against your bare chest, as does a warm dampness closer to your waist. She breathes hot air into your ear.

"Time for you to become a statistic."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You walk out of the door in the dimness of the moonlight, shivering like a leaf with a distant look in your eyes.

Mayor Mare singsongs while heavily leaning against the door frame, "I'm glad we got that mess cleared up~"

You just got raped. At least you wouldn't get pregnant, though. Thankfully, the male human body just shuts that whole thing down when it's legitimate rape. You painfully waddle back home, blood leaving a glistening trail back to town hall.

You arrive at your front yard and see your father passed out in the porch swing, an empty bottle in hoof. When you approach, Pinkie and Nightmare Moon trample you as they bound out of the front door.

"What're we gonna’ do tonight, Moony?"

"The same thing we do every night, Pinkie: try to take over the world!”

The credits roll as the theme song is played, and a gunshot rings out as you commit sudoku behind the Warner Brothers logo.

END

The roll that started it all: