Where Am I?

by Cooler Brony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Other, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie
Length: 3961

Evan has seemed to fall through a portal when he was trying to vandalize his brother's poster of MLP. When he touched sharpie to poster, he fell through. He realizes all the problems this will cause, and is in a total dismay of how to get back.

Evan has seemed to fall through a portal when he was trying to vandalize his brother's poster of MLP. When he touched sharpie to poster, he fell through. He realizes all the problems this will cause, and is in a total dismay of how to get back.

Evan ends up finding the weirdest thing ever - a talking pony, and realizes he is stuck in a gay cartoon show. He needs the help of his archenemies to get back to the real world, and throttle his brother for having a secret portal in his poster.

Rated TEEN for: Strong Language, Crude Humour, and your daily dose of Vitamin D.

Author's Note: Hey! I know how much you guys hate Human in Equestria stories, so here's one - without the problems of normal ones. Yes, that means:
- No Mary Sues
- Person isn't a brony
- Person wants to go back
- Person accidentally goes to Equestria
- Person thinks very lowly of bronies and the show
And a few more things I think.

Also, Evan's thoughts are in italic font, so there is no finishing sentence or anything. Just letting you know.

So, enjoy, and remember to rate and comment and whatever ;)

Published 2013-07-17 20:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-21 20:41:32 UTC

What is Going On?

Evan woke up from his slumber.

“Grugroifdg,” was all Evan got out, as he tossed and turned in his bed. He couldn’t find the comfortable area he found previously, so he decided to get out of his bed.

I wonder what time it is.

Evan swiveled around to look at his alarm clock. 2:32 AM. Damn.

“Argh, I can’t go back to sleep. Might as well do something to get tired again," concluded Evan. So he headed towards the kitchen downstairs.

Evan was 22, and he had one brother who was 20. They were pretty alike, except for the fact that Evan was normal, while Mike, his brother, was a…brony. Evan had concluded when he found out about Mike, that brony were not real people, and were considered aliens. And Mike could be a bit immature when it came to serious things. But not Evan. He only had testosterone in his body, and he was 100% male.

Evan continued towards the kitchen, thinking about maybe drinking some warm milk or something. Whatever to go back to sleep. Until Evan passed by his brother’s room, and saw him in deep sleep, cuddling a rainbow pony plush toy thing.

“Ugh,” Evan said in disgust, until a brilliant idea came into his mind.

Maybe I can vandalize one of his million posters of the girly ponies, and laugh when he freaks out!

When he decided that it was a good idea, he tiptoed to his room, and got a sharpie. He creeped into his brother’s room, and tried to determine which of the posters would be best to destroy. He looked around, until he noticed one specific poster with several ponies on it. “This seems as good as any.” And with that said, Evan took off the cap on the sharpie, and headed towards the poster.

Evan was just about to put pen to poster, until Mike made a sudden movement. Evan froze, and slowly turned his head towards the direction of noise. Apparently, it seemed like he changed his plushie from the gay rainbow pony, to a completely pink pony. Evan quickly debated in his head which one was gayer, until he continued with the task at hand. Once he touched the sharpie to the poster, everything happened in a flash.

...

Evan literally went THROUGH the poster when he touched his sharpie to it. Once he realized what happened, he looked around to see that he was falling. Evan was still in shock about what was happening, until it hit him. The ground that is.

“ARGH!” yelled out Evan, and he nursed his arm (which he fell on). The pain eventually subsided, and he took a look around.

“Where the fuck am I?” Evan questioned to nobody in general. He hoped for an answer, but of course, no answer came.

Evan was in the middle of a grassy field it seemed. Some mountains were in front of him, but they were a long distance off. He looked around, and noticed a town in the distance. He knew he would probably end up going there, but he continued to look around. Evan saw that the sky was pretty clear, and it shouldn’t rain or do some weird stuff for a while.

After Evan got a hold of his surroundings, he got up, winced a bit at the pain, and headed off in the direction of the town. Evan still had no fucking clue what was going on, but he knew he would probably find some answers from the town.

…

Holy shit I’m still not even close to the town. This is taking forever.

Evan had been walking for around 30 minutes, but it had felt like 5 years to him. He was really getting ticked off the further he went, and knew he didn’t want to walk in all pissed and get in trouble. First impressions were everything after all.

Evan continued to ponder for a while, until he was forced to the ground one more time by an accelerating mass. Evan didn’t even comprehend what happened, until he looked up, and saw the weirdest fucking thing ever.

What the fuck am I looking at? It’s a creature with 4 legs, a head, and a tail. And it’s fucking pink. Completely fucking pink.

Evan, with his eyes in shock, watched the…thing… step off of him.

The whole of its body was pink. Every fucking thing, except for the eyes. I'm surprised that the eyes were not pink though. Or the teeth. It had cotton candy on its – wait is that hair? Holy shit, that was totally cotton candy. I could reach out and…wait what am I thinking? Why would I eat the hair off a – OH!

Evan realized what it looked like – a horse! It was a bit small, maybe somewhat of a baby. That made sense. It was probably eating, and decided to take a run or something. Whatever. Who gives a shit?

Evan kept watching the thing, until its eyes popped in realization that he was looking at it. Wait, pop?

“Oh my! I’m so sorry! I was just taking minding my own business, galloping around in the field to wear out all the sugar I ate, until I saw you at the last second, and then SLAM! I ran into you. Wait, what are you? I don’t know what you are. Or who. Or how. Or when! Of course, that’s only used for a – oh sorry, am I rambling?” the horse thingy said.

“What in the hell is going on. Where the fuck am I? How the fuck are you talking? What the fuck are you?” Evan rambled, completely confused at the scene he was seeing.

“Oh that’s easy! Well, from what I can see, the thing that is going on, is that you are talking to me! To answer your where are you question, you are in the outskirts of Ponyville, in the rightful land of Equestria. To answer your question about how I am talking, it’s simple! With my mouth silly! Unless you want to go more in depth about which muscles and such you use to talk. And to answer what I am, I am a pony! A funzastic pony!” concluded the pony.

“Oh thanks, that makes total sense. A fucking pony being able to speak, and I’m in some land that I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist on Earth. I must be sleeping, and me waking up was some messed up dream. Well, thanks, now I’m just going to pinch myself awake,” said Evan, who then got himself ready for pinching.

“Okee dokie lokie!” answered the pink infected pony.

Wait, what did the pony just say?

“What did you just say?” asked Evan.

“I said ‘Okee dokie lokie!’ It’s the equivalent of a yes, but with more fun words!” said the pony.

Wait. Didn’t Mike used to say that for some things? And when I asked about it, he always said it was from the show he worships, and I would just dismiss it? Oh my god. I hope I’m not where I think I am. Oh yeah, this was just a dream. Just going to pinch myself awake now.

Evan then pinched himself as hard as he could.

“Son of a…FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Evan hollered in pain.

“You can’t be the son of a verb silly! It has to be a person of some sort!” said the pony.

Holy shit. Could this actually be real? I pray to the gods of every religion that it is not. This is the least of my worries at the moment, and I can’t deal with this right now. Or ever.

“So..yea.. I never quite caught your name?” asked Evan.

“Of course! I forgot to say my name! My name is Pinkie Pie!”

I should’ve seen the name having the word “Pink” in it somehow. Go figure.

“So..umm Pinkie Pie, where do you live? Mind if I come so I can find out what the fucking hell is going on?” questioned Evan once again.

“Sure as cranberry pie! I live in that town close by – it’s where all my friends are!” Pinkie Pie smiled at Evan, a grin that Evan knew wasn’t possible.

Wait, friends? I don’t know what to expect… I hope the only friends she has are not ponies, but humans. But if they were, they would probably be mad scientists, granting the gift of speech to ponies, and have an army of them ready to travel to Earth for an invasion or something.

…

As Evan and Pinkie were walking, Pinkie looked frustrated, and seemed like she wanted to say something. Evan caught on to this.

“Is there something you want to say Pinkie?” Evan asked.

“Oh, it’s noth…WHATAREYOU,” Pinkie Pie said in a rush.

“Umm, I’m a human. I hope you know that..?” asked Evan unsurely.

“Nope-y-dee-doo! I have absolutely NO idea!” answered the pony to Evan’s dismay.

“Well shit.” And there went Evan’s hope for there being humans.

“Anyways…I sort of need some help. You see, things that are an unknown species don’t usually take walks in grassy fields. I sort of fell through a portal to here. Do you have any idea how this could have happened, and if there was a way to get me back to my original world..universe...dimension?” questioned Evan, hoping for a good answer.

“Hmm, I don – oh wait! My friend Twilight is very smart! She is the smartest pony I know! She could probably help out!” Pinkie Pie said enthusiastically.

“Oh that sounds great! Just show me where your friend would be, and I could go ask her!” concluded Evan.

“Ok! We are almost here!”

Evan then walked into a town, full of ponies staring wide-eyed at him.

What the fuck?

Author's Note

Thanks for reading! Hoped you had some laughs ;)

Also, I chose Pinkie Pie, because she knows everybody, and could maybe make Evan feel welcome of some sort. I felt like I sort of rushed, but I'll make sure to make it much longer for the next chapter. I just wanted to introduce everything that is happening.

Thanks again!

I've Walked Into a Madhouse!

Evan walked into the town. It was full of ponies hurrying to places unknown, and ponies just standing around and chatting.

What madhouse have I walked into?

Evan then realized a few ponies noticed him walk in. They started to stare at him with wide eyes, curiosity filling their pupils.

Erm, am I doing something wrong?

Evan slowed down to a slow walk, as the number of ponies that noticed him was increasing. Soon enough, it seemed like every single pony there was staring at Evan. Each one with a different eye color, making it seem like a rainbow of eyes glaring at Evan.

Evan also noticed that the casual chatter soon died down, making a resounding silence. If a pin dropped at this moment, it would startle everyone.

Pinkie didn’t miss a beat.

“HELLOOOOOOOOOOO EVERYPONY!” Pinkie hollered into the silence.

Wait. Did she say what I think she said?

“Meeeeeett my new friend…erm…what was your name again?” Pinkie Pie questioned.

Evan was still looking into all the eyes of the ponies staring at him.

“Hmm, what? Oh, it’s Evan.” Evan answered.

“Meeeeeeet my new friend, EVAN!” Pinkie Pie shouted into the audience of watching ponies.

The ponies didn’t flinch, or even change where they were staring. They kept staring right at Evan.

“Oh yea, he’s apparently a ..”huuumon”,” added Pinkie.

“It’s pronounced ‘human’” Evan corrected.

“Humon, human, humus. Same thing,” replied Pinkie.

Eh, close enough.

“So..umm..hi I guess?” said Evan to the still staring seemingly soulless ponies.

This is getting creepier by the second. I have no idea what I am doing wrong.

There was a very long awkward silence for a long time, until finally, Pinkie also noticed this, and decided to keep on walking. Obviously, she thought it wasn’t concerning Evan and Pinkie.

Whatever. Might as well just follow Pinkie, and ignore these weirdoes.

Evan followed Pinkie Pie, while the ponies kept their eyes locked onto Evan, like a moving target. Evan was pretty sure they would shoot heat seeking missiles any second. This made Evan ump up his walking speed, and follow Pinkie bouncing away.

…

Holy shit. We’ve been walking forever, and I’m really tired of all these ponies staring at me as if I’m the weirdest thing in the world. Wait a second.

Evan stopped in his tracks, and thought about it.

If I find them very weird, then vice versa, they probably think I’m really weird as well. I guess that makes sense, but no need to make such a big deal about it.

As Evan was pondering his thoughts, he noticed one pony in particular staring at him more intently than the other ponies. It looked like it was ready to pounce on him, and do something to him.

Oh shit, I’ve really got to get out of creepy town.

Evan was just starting to go away, when the aqua (he thought) colored pony suddenly started to head at full speed towards Evan.

HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PONY DOING?

Evan moved into a full out sprint, and with all of his adrenaline pumping through him, he seemed to outlast and run faster than the creepy pony, who gave up, and walked away.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE FUCKING PONIES?

Evan found Pinkie, who seemed to be minding her own business, bouncing towards wherever she was going. She also seemed like she was talking to herself. Maybe even arguing.

“Hey Pinkie. When are we getting to wherever you are taking me?” asked Evan.

“Oh sorry, I was debating whether oatmeal would be good with orange juice. Or maybe any juice. Maybe it would be good wi-“ Evan then had no choice but to interrupt her before she lost the topic.

“Yea, that’s great. So, like I said, where are we going, and how much longer?” questioned Evan, once again.

“Well, we are going to where I live to get you situated, and for when we are getting there – we are heeereeeee!” Pinkie Pie replied in a sing-song voice.

Evan looked up from Pinkie Pie, and noticed that they were in front of a remake of a house made of sweets from what seemed like Hansel and Gretel.

“You aren’t going to get me fat and then cook me, right?” worried Evan.

“Umm, what?” Pinkie asked.

“Nothing,” quickly replied Evan.

Pinkie Pie lead Evan inside, and Evan took survey of the interior of the house.

From what Evan could determine, it seemed like a café style place, with tables and chairs around. At the end of the room, there was a counter made of glass, displaying cakes, cupcakes, and sweets with their pri..

What the hell type of currency is that? “Bits”? That seems like an odd name for a type of currency. Oh shit.

Evan then realized he had no money on him.

Shit shit shit! How am I supposed to live here when I have no money in the first place? Wait a second. How long AM I going to stay here? Will I be stuck here forever? Or will I be able to find a way out. Oh god, I really hope Midnight, or whatever finds a way to get me out. Living with rainbow colored ponies is NOT on my bucket list.

Evan continued to observe his surroundings while thinking about how he was going to get out of this hell.
Pinkie Pie walked towards the counter, and then went right behind it. Evan followed suit, and walked past the counter, and then through a door. Then, there were stairs.

Legs, don’t fail me now!

Evan moved towards the stairs, and picked up his already tired legs, and slowly made his way up the horrid invention. Pinkie Pie made it up in no time, and Evan was literally panting when he appeared at the top of the stairs.

“So..huff…are we going…puff…to your room or something?” asked a breathless Evan.

“Yes-a-rooni! I have a bunk bed for some odd reason, and I can use it with you! We could be roommates! Or maybe bunkmates! Or, maybe inter-species bunkroomiemates!” Pinkie rambled.

“Ha..huff…ha. Yea. Ok, which one will be mine?” asked Evan.

“Oh, I hate sleeping on the top bunk, so you’ll be staying there!” responded Pinkie.

“Oh god. More stairs I have to climb?” complained Evan.

“Hurry if you want to get in bed! I’m sorry, but there isn’t house cleaning in casa de Pinkie, so be prepared to make your own bed!” announced Pinkie.

“Yea yea, I got it,” replied Evan, who proceeded to hop into the bed.

Oh god this is so comfy. I could just lie here all day, and sleep away my problems. How easy th – No. I will not do that. I will be determined to find my way back, one way or another.

Evan shook his head while the song started to repeat in his head. Evan then realized it was getting pretty late anyways, and he was a bit hungry.

“Hey Pinkie, do you have any food or something I could have? I worked away all my calories from walking, and now my stomach is empty,” questioned an unsure Evan. Pinkie was already doing a lot by allowing him to stay at her place, and bring him into the town. He really didn’t want to ask any more from her, but there was NO way Evan could do without food. He was a man, and a man has to eat.

“Well, we sort of live in a food shop silly! I’ll just go down and snatch some food for you zippity quick!” concluded Pinkie, who bounced back downstairs to prepare some food for Evan.

Man, Pinkie is real nice. I hope I’ll be able to make up for her, and pay. Then again, she is probably too nice to accept. Maybe I could just buy food from here from now on, and make that as a way for repayment? That reminds me – I need to find a job. Now, who’ll hire an alien? Hmm, maybe that’ll be a problem. Oh god, I hate job-searching.

Evan heard clattering of pans and such, while Pinkie tried to make some type of food for Evan.

Man, what is she making that requires so much effort? I really hope she isn’t making like a three-course meal for a 5 star restaurant. That would be way too much, even if my stomach is asking for it. How do ponies grab things anyways? Can they somehow curl their arms around things or something? Or is everything magnetic, and it just attaches to their hands? Wait, it wouldn’t be hands. Hooves? Yea, probably something like that..

Suddenly, the noise stopped coming from the kitchen, and then a clopping sound was heard coming from the wooden stairs. Evan’s stomach growled for the oncoming food, wanting to fill himself up.

Evan waited greedily on his bed, staring towards the open doorway, waiting for food. Oh how much he loved food and all of its yumminess.

I wonder what she made for me? I hope it tastes good!

And then Pinkie Pie appeared at the door. She was holding a plate on her…back. And on the plate was – a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Oh well, I guess you can’t beat the classics.

Evan jumped down from the bed, and grabbed the plate from Pinkie Pie’s back.

“Thanks Pinkie! This is nice and all, but why were there tons of pots and pans hitting each other and making a lot of noise?” asked Evan.

“Oh yea. When I was trotting down, I slipped on some water, and flew into an open cupboard full of pots and pans. They fell everywhere, and forcing me to pick them up. Well, it seems that there was water on the ground as well! The pots became slippery, and they kept falling down, not going where they should. It was hard to pick everything up, but once I did, I grabbed a sandwich out of the fridge, and put it on the counter. I got a rag, dried the water up, and then proceeded to grab a plate. I put the sandwich on the plate, and then I went back to the stairs, and poof! here I am!” Pinkie said, finishing her story.

“Well, that’s quite a story. Sorry for making you go through all this trouble,” Evan said.

“Oh, it isn’t your fault! It’s just the water’s fault for being so slippery! Why oh why does water have to be slippery? So aggravating!” rambled Pinkie Pie.

“Well, thanks again for the sandwich!” concluded Evan.

“No problem-o!” answered Pinkie.

Evan and Pinkie both climbed into their respective beds. Evan still didn’t like the idea of having to climb and work to get to his bed, but the comfort of the bed made the ache go away.

I really shouldn’t be sleeping with my clothes on, but I usually sleep like that anyway. Might be a bit weird to sleep in my garments in front of a lady (even if it is of another species). Then again, they are all naked.

Once Evan realized this, it became a bit awkward.

Well, glad to be thinking about that. Anyways, I’m really appreciative of what Pinkie did for me. I mean, she took me in, even if she didn’t know what I was. She became my friend, she gave me a home, and she fed me. She really is a true friend. I haven’t thanked her either. I should probably do that.

“Hey Pinkie. You awake?” Evan asked.

“Yea,” Pinkie simply replied.

“Thank you. For everything I mean,” Evan told Pinkie.

“You’re welcome, but you don’t have to thank me! That’s what friends do!” Pinkie said.

“No, but you didn’t even know what I was, and you immediately became my friend, gave me a home, and gave me food when I didn’t have it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

“Aww, you don’t have to do that! When new ponies come into town, I become their first friend, get them to know their way around town, help them find a job and a home, and so on. It’s just what I do! You were no different – it doesn’t matter what you are. In the end, you still have a heart..I think.. and probably need the same things ponies need! So I became your friend and helped you out. Maybe tomorrow I can help you in job-hunting, and then you can start bringing in an income!”

“That would be very nice Pinkie. Thank you very much.”

“Oh! I almost forgot! We have to also see Twilight about how you got here, and how to get you home! Of course, I’ll miss you, but then again, we need to get you back to your rightful home!”

Oh, so that was her name. It was the title of the worst series ever written. How could I forget that?

“Thanks once again. You truly are a very good friend,” said Evan.

“Welp, gooooooood night!” finished Pinkie.

“Yea, good night.”

Maybe I might really like it here. But right now, I’m beat. Time to get some shut-eye.

With that said, Evan soon fell asleep.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading once again! Also, I was wondering - maybe later on in the series, Mike might fall into the portal or something? I would like your thoughts on having two people (one brony, one not) in Equestria. Let me know in the comments if you would like that! It would provide many more options!