The Criminal Mind of Fluttershy
The Strange Case of Fluttershy vs PETA
Fluttershy wiped the sweat off of her brow. The sun beat down merrily on her and her little garden. The oversized sunhat she wore did little to reflect the heat, but she trooped onwards. She dug her trowel into the earth and was rewarded by the sight of one of the most beautiful creatures in the world.
That is, a giant mass of wriggling, writhing nightcrawlers.
She gently took the animals in her teeth and carried them on the winds of fortune. Also, the winds of north-by-northwest. A tree sat near the edge of her property, just bordering the Everfree Forest. Inside the tree, a bird’s nest sat in the boughs, carrying a payload of hungry, neigh, voracious chicks. With a smile and a giggle, Fluttershy dropped the wiggling worms into the baby birds’ mouths.
It was bloody, but quick. Within an instant, there was nothing left of the worms but a memory and bad gas. The chicks cheeped appreciatively, and Fluttershy gave each one a nuzzle.
Her next stop was the stream beside her cottage. She flung a few bread crumbs onto the water, welcoming the fish that swam within to the surface. She gasped in awe at their beautiful, rainbow-esque scales as they shimmered in the sunlight.
The chitter of animal-speak sprung up from her left. Fluttershy smiled at the family of otters that had awoken to the brand new day. “Hello, friends! It’s a beautiful morning, isn’t it?”
Their nods of affirmation were interrupted by rumbles of hunger. The littlest, a tiny specimen of a freshwater mammal, rubbed its tummy and looked up at Fluttershy pleadingly.
Fluttershy gave the tiny creature a swift hug. “Oh, of course I’ll feed you, you little cutie! Come here, I’ll teach you how to fish!”
Fluttershy sprinkled a few more crumbs out on the water. “Now watch, when the fish comes…”
A fish surfaced and nibbled the last crumb it would ever eat.
It found itself caught in a net of pony design, wriggling desperately in Fluttershy’s gentle grasp.
“Now remember,” Fluttershy explained, “we don’t want it to suffer.”
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
Fluttershy dropped the stick she had used to bludgeon the fish and watched it float downstream. “There you go, little one. Eat up!”
The family tore into the trout, happy squeaks of carnivore delight drifting along the breeze. Fluttershy watched them eat for a few moments, then proceeded along her list of tasks.
A bear rumbled at the edge of the forest. Its jaw opened wide as it roared for the attention of the cottage’s owner. Fluttershy appeared, carrying a large bag that dripped red. “Oh, Miss Grizzly, you’re early!”
She dropped the bag before the bear with a wet splash. Flecks of scarlet stained the grass beside the bear’s feet. “Enjoy, dear!”
The bear tore into the bag with relish. And mustard. Fluttershy was all but bathed in the red juices that poured out from the bear’s messy meal.
The bear sat back, its diet of raspberries, strawberries, and cherries sated.
Fluttershy brushed her red-streaked coat, accidently rubbing the stain in. “It looks like you enjoyed that!”
The bear grunted contentedly.
“Did you see that the birds hatched?” Fluttershy asked with a smile. “Oh, those babies are so cute!”
“You fiend!”
Fluttershy turned to find herself face-to-face with an irate, uninvited pony. The worst kind of pony. An irate trespasser was most certainly the worst kind of pony.
Not that Fluttershy would ever say so.
The new pony continued to glare at Fluttershy, leaving the pegasus mare feeling very exposed. “May I help you, Mis—”
“Humph!” the pony humphed. “I am merely a concerned citizen who has heard about the racket you have going on here!”
“Racket?” Fluttershy asked. “Oh, I’m sorry, you need to see Mr. Catgut down the street for a r—”
“You know what I meant!” the pony brayed. “Your coat is stained with the blood of a thousand innocent animals!”
Fluttershy blinked. “A-actually, this is raspberry juice—”
“It’s a metaphor!” The pony stomped a hoof down on the ground, steam billowing out of its ears. “You have murdered no less than six animals today! How do you think you can explain this!?”
“Well…” Fluttershy floundered. “The baby chicks can’t fend for themselves, and the otters were very—”
“You despicable creature!” the pony shouted. “You horrible, horrible pony! Make your excuse… to the police!”
A tall, heavily-built pegasus stallion walked on to the scene, his muscled rippling beneath his skin. A police-pony’s hat sat on his head, utterly dwarfed by the massiveness of his mug.“Yeah?”
“This pony”—the irate trespasser pointed an unwelcoming hoof at Fluttershy—“is guilty of the murder of several innocent, defenseless creatures!”
“Yeah?” The muscular pony scratched the back of his neck, peering questioningly at the red-stained Fluttershy. When the petite mare shrunk beneath his gaze, the officer shrugged. “Yeah…”
“So arrest her!” the irate pony barked. “Slap her in tiny irons!”
“Yeah!” Hoof-cuffs appeared in his hoof, and he quickly secured Fluttershy’s foreleg to his.
Fluttershy gazed longingly at her cottage as she was lead away to the hoosegow and due process. The animals that called her home their own stared back as she disappeared into the horizon, tears streaming down their faces.
Irate Trespasser smiled at the assembly and lifted happy hooves skyward. “You are free at last, my little creatures! Free from the overbearance and oppression of Fluttershy! You can go into the wild and fend for yourselves once more!”
Silence greeted the ecstatic pony; silence and the glare of a thousand unhappy woodlanders. Angel Bunny hopped to the fore with a small drum in his paws. He started up a slow, steady beat.
Irate Trespasser blinked. Irate blinked again. Irate began to blink in quick succession.
The woodlanders marched towards the pony to the beat of the drum. They gathered Irate Trespasser up and deposited the pony in a black caldron Pinkie kept at Fluttershy’s for “black caldron emergencies.” They pranced and danced as Angel Bunny lit a fire beneath the pot.
“Yes, my little critters,” the pony whimpered. “You are free to do whatever you wish…”
“All rise, the honorable Judge Granny Smith presiding!” Bailiff Derpy Hooves stepped aside, allowing the elderly Apple matriarch her place at the podium.
Granny Smith—Sorry—Judge Granny Smith adjusted her spectacles and examined her notes. “Hrm… What do we have here? Hrm… Fluttershy? You been killin’ folks?”
The butter-yellow pegasus shook her head softly. “Oh, no ma’am, I’d never kill anypony!”
“Yer supposed tah say ‘not guilty,’ Sugarcube,” Granny mumbled.
“Oh,” Fluttershy squeaked. “Not guilty, then.”
“My client refuses to say anything,” Discord said as he stepped forward. “At least, not unless she’s consulted me for pun opportunities.”
“Oh, no,” Fluttershy shook her head. “I’m happy to say anything to help get this business over with.”
“Case closed!” came a young voice from the other side of the courthouse. “She’s willin’ tah sign a confession just tah end the trial!”
Three little fillies jumped up and clapped their hooves together. “Cutie Mark Crusader Prosecutors, YAY!”
“Hold on, now!” Granny Smith—The Honorable Granny Smith said. “She ain’t said nothin’ yet, hold your charlie horses!”
“Oh my,” Fluttershy whispered to Discord. “Did I say something wrong?”
“Hardly, Fluttershy, my dear!” The draconequus spun himself a tie out of spider silk. A thousand violated spiders trundled away whimpering. “We’ve only just begun to fight!
“Your honor,” Discord said. “I hold to my belief that it would be impossible for Fluttershy to ever hurt another creature, big or small. Her heart is so big, and so pure, that any action to the contrary would all but tear it asunder!”
Scootaloo stepped forwards. “Missus Judge Apple Bloom’s Granny Smith, I’d like to present Exhibit ‘A!’” She dropped a flurry of pictures before Granny—Judge Granny Smith. “Here we see the defendant going about her morning routine, which includes the unearthing of several small sacrifices to the birds of the north-by-northwest…” Another picture took its place beside the others. “And the brutal bludgeoning of an innocent fish!”
“Oh my,” Granny—Guh—The Honorable Judge Granny Smith said. “These are serious allegations, Miss Fluttershy, what do you have to say to all this?”
“Just where did those photos come from!?” Discord demanded. “And naturally, my client denies everything.”
Apple Bloom stood up and pointed to a colt sitting in the back of the courtroom. “Featherweight took those pictures for our nature project in school.” He waved back sheepishly. “You did great, Sugarcube!” she shouted.
“Fine,” Discord huffed, taking his seat. He squinted at Fluttershy. “This would be easier if you hadn’t actually murdered all those animals, you know.”
“But I didn’t—” Fluttershy protested.
“And Exhibit ‘B!’” Sweetie Belle added. “Or, I guess she’s witness number one or something. I think.”
“Alright.” The Honorable Judge Smith nodded. “Call ‘em to the stand.”
“You can come in, Applejack!” Apple Bloom shouted.
“Applejack?” Fluttershy whimpered. “Why would she testify against me?”
“Don’t worry, Miss Fluttershy,” Discord said as he fiddled with his tie. It had more knots in it then Big Mac’s back after applebucking season. “I’m sure she has a perfectly good reason to betray her dear friend.”
Applejack sat in the witness’s seat. She looked out over the assembled ponies and grunted. “Why’m I here again, Apple Bloom?”
“Or maybe she doesn’t have a clue, that’s another possibility.” Discord shrugged and sat back, sipping his glass of expectations. “Hmm, the aftertaste is always bitter…”
Sweetie Belle trotted up to the witness stand and smiled. She slammed her hooves down before Applejack and shouted sweetly. “Where were you on the night of the twenty-fifth!?”
Applejack leaned back very, very far. “The twenty-fifth of what, Sweetie Belle?”
“Oh, just this month,” Sweetie squeaked. “Rarity told me that you were gonna model for a dress, but never showed up.”
Applejack began to sweat bullets. “Aw, shucks, that was the twenty-fifth? Plum forgot, aheh.” Her uneasy grin spoke to Sweetie Belle like an over-enthusiastic narrator.
“Indeed?” Sweetie grinned. “Then why did I hear you talking to Twilight about how you were, and I quote, ‘never ever never ever ever never gonna model a dress again?’”
“Objection!” Discord shouted. “Hearsay!”
“Recording!” Sweetie exclaimed. She raised a magical walkman and turned it on.
Applejack’s voice could be heard clearly. “I’m never ever never ever ever never gonna model a dress again!”
Discord flopped to the ground like limp pastrami. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy. The evidence is overwhelming.”
“But what does Applejack’s ironic but not unheard of dishonesty have to do with my killing animals?” Fluttershy asked Discord.
“No, no. She’s got a point,” he said, holding up a sewing needle.
“Hun, gimme that there recordin’ device.” The Granny Judge Honorable Smith held out a hoof to accept the blue box. “Now let’s see here…”
She removed the tape and flipped it over to the ‘B’ side. She flicked the ‘play’ button. Applejack’s voice came once more from the tape player. “Why can’t Rarity understand that?”
Twilight’s voice hovered out of the speaker. “Well, have you talked with her about it?”
Silence filled the room until Applejack’s mumbled reply shoved it to the side. “Eenope.”
“Well, you know…” Twilight said. “I think more of our adventures are started by some kinda lack of communication than anything…”
“I guess I’ll talk with her,” Applejack sighed as the tape faded out.
The Smith Judge Granny Honorable eyed Sweetie Belle. “Havin’ a little trouble with the recordin’ device, eh?”
“Don’t look at me,” she replied. “Scootaloo recorded it.”
“Aw, come on!” Scootaloo protested. “I don’t know anything about those ancient tapes and stuff. I’m all digital!”
Discord stroked his beard. It purred happily. “Well, unexpected exoneration for Applejack.”
“She weren’t convicted, draconequus,” the Judge Granny Smith Honorable said. “It’s just another case closed.”
“But…” Fluttershy tilted her head to the side. “What does any of this have to do with my trial?”
“Absolutely nothin’, Sugarcube,” the Honorable Smith Granny Judge chuckled. “Your trial’s pretty cut an’ dried.”
Fluttershy laid her head on the table, presenting the perfect pose for the court’s artist to draw. “Well, I guess that’s a relief.”
“Jury reached a verdict?” Judge Granny asked.
“Guilty!” said the diamond dog.
“Guilty!” said the Everfree dragon.
“Guilty!” said Queen Chrysalis.
“There, now that’s a fair an’ unbiased jury if I ever did see one.” Granny Smith, the honorable judge, pounded her gavel into the podium. “Fluttershy, you are found guilty of the murder of countless animals.”
“B-b-but…” Fluttershy’s eyes teared up. “How are the little carnivores supposed to live if I can’t feed them?”
“I don’t write the laws,” Smith, the judge who is an honorable granny, replied. “I just keep ’em.”
Derpy stood and let Applejack exit the witness’ stand. “All rise!”
Applejack walked slowly past Fluttershy and put a hoof on her shoulder. “I’ll be sure tah visit you in prison, Fluttershy. I’m sorry ’bout all this.”
Fluttershy nodded dumbly. As in silently, you meanies, not unintelligently.
Fluttershy walked between two hard-faced criminals as she was lead into the female wing of the high-security prison in Canterlot. It was also the only prison in Canterlot. The mare behind her grunted as a uniformed pony came into view. “Careful, Newbie. You don’t wanna get on Warden Jellybear’s bad side.”
“Oh, no! I’d never dream of it!” Fluttershy shivered as she was examined from head-to-tail extensions by a burly female guard. “What happens if I’m on his bad side?”
“You don’t want to know, Butterball,” the scarred inmate grunted. “You don’t wanna know.”
Warden Jellybear trotted up to the three inmates and coughed. He looked to his sheet and nodded at the first mare, a brutish looking unicorn with a mop of blue hair. “Widowmaker Puree, you poisoned your husband with a daisy sandwich. Disgusting!”
He looked at the other mare, the scarred pegasus who had grunted advice to Fluttershy. “Salmonella Sally, you burned a snowflake factory to the ground. Despicable!”
He came at last to Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, you brutally murdered several animals over the course of ten years in Ponyville. You are, without a doubt, the most horrible pony I have ever met.”
“B-but…” Fluttershy broke down crying. “I just wanted to feed the otters!” Her sobs carried down the corridors, pushing their way into the hearts of her guards.
One guard started to tear up. “Hey, boss, is she really as bad as they say?”
“Worse!” Warden Jellybear fumed. “Don’t let her siren song burn its way into your heart! She will try to woo you with her cutesy-wootsy ways, but once you let down your guard…” He drew his hoof over his neck, sending shivers down the guard’s spine.
Fluttershy was lead into the courtyard, where the daily musical number was taking place. A skinny mare stood in the middle of a crowd, belting out her chords.
“I am the very model of a psycho individual
They say that my psychosis is unfortunate and clinical
And if I kill more ponies the electric chair is where I’ll go
I’m feeling quite delirious in my subconscious undertow!”
Widowmaker Puree sidled up beside the skinny pony, smiling like a madmare. The reason is obvious.
“The world of a felon is both maniacal and wondrous
I’ve killed a dozen ponies with my antiquated blunderbuss
This brand new world that you enter has nopony that you can trust
“Sigh, nopony you can trust, that’s a hard one.
“Now, little girl, you find yourself no better than the rest of us!”
The other inmates joined in, centering their gaze on the diminutive Fluttershy.
“This brand new world that you enter has nopony that you can trust
Now, little girl, you find yourself no better than the rest of us!”
Salmonella Sally gave Fluttershy a sideways hug.
“It’s easier once you forget that you had ever cared before
The life you lived in past days is like something, something, metaphor
But in prison you can relax because the warden won’t keep score
You feel the itch, you bite and pinch, enjoy the mayhem, blood, and gore!”
Fluttershy pulled away and gazed at the ponies with wide eyes. She swallowed the bile that had welled up in her mouth and joined in with her own verse.
“It’s clear that you all must enjoy your freedom to be criminal
And I can’t help but pick up a few messages subliminal
But I’ve done nothing wrong, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all
“I’m not nearly the model of a psycho individual!”
The inmates shook their heads simultaneously.
“Who knew an Element of Harmony could be so criminal?
She is the very model of a psycho individual!”
Fluttershy shivered and fell to the ground, her legs sticking high in the air. The skinny inmate trotted up and set her upright. “Easy there, Newblood. The name’s Cypress. Cypress the Virus.”
“Hello, Miss Cypress.” Fluttershy looked from Cypress, to Salmonella Sally, and then to Widowmaker Puree. “Um, now what?”
“Now we go back to our cells,” Cypress chuckled. “Maybe we can get to know each other better. What’re you in for?”
“Well…” Fluttershy choked out. “Well, I was just feeding my animal friends, and then I was arrested for murdering animals. I don’t really know what went wrong.”
Cypress narrowed her eyes. “You know, There’s a lot of bad ponies in the world. Nothing wrong with that, I’m a bad pony. But I rate animal abusers just below pond scum.”
“Oh,” Fluttershy said. “My.”
Cypress, Sally, and Puree lifted their hooves with malicious intent, but it was just then that the warden marched on to the scene. “There she is, grab Fluttershy and take her to my office.”
Two burly guards let her by a chain to the office space that Warden Jellybear called home. He leaned on his desk and glowered at her. “Miss Fluttershy, do you know why you are here?”
“Um, because the natural order of the food chain is something to be hated and feared by all?” she asked hopefully.
“No, Miss Fluttershy.” He sat back in his chair and looked her up and down. “You are here because you are sick. You are sick and this is the hospital. You are sick, this is the hospital, and I am the surgeon.”
Warden Jellybear stood up and walked around Fluttershy, talking all the while. “You are sick, this is a hospital, I am the surgeon, and these guards are your nurses. You are sick, this is a hospital, I am the surgeon, these guards are your nurses, and those handcuffs are your wheelchair. You are sick, this is a hospital, I am the surgeon, these guards are your nurses, those handcuffs are your wheelchair…” He looked right in her eyes. “And there are no discharges.”
Fluttershy gulped. “Are you sure? I mean, maybe I can be a better pony…”
“NO!” Jellybear shouted. “You are here because society has failed you! You are here because you do not see the error of your ways! You are here because you.” His glare intensified with each word. “Killed. Animals!”
Fluttershy gave her bonds a petite stain. “No, I fed animals! And… I think I’d do it all over again.”
“Guards!” Jellybear shouted as he leaped backwards onto his desk. “Restrain the prisoner!”
Fluttershy was dragged backwards out of the office, her wings pinned to her sides. “Um, okay, time to go, I guess.”
“I will be watching you,” Warden Jellybear growled, “Prisoner 24601!”
Fluttershy was lead to her cell, where she seemed to be sharing a cot with Cypress the Virus. “Hey, Twinkie, the warden rough you up a bit?”
“A-actually,” Fluttershy said, “he was pretty nice about it.”
“Good.” Cypress grinned as she stood. “That means I got you all freshened up for my turn!”
Fluttershy backed into the wall. Cypress brought herself nose-to-nose with her. “Aw,” Cypress spewed. “Is the widdle kitty-kicker afwaid?”
“Yes,” Fluttershy answered honestly. Her eyebrows lowered as she stared Cypress the Virus in the eyes. “I’m very afraid. You won’t like me when I’m afraid.”
Cypress began to chuckle, but her merriment was cut short when Fluttershy’s stare became The Stare. The criminal backed away, her heart pounding in her chest. “W-what are you doing? S-stop that!”
Fluttershy shook her head, never letting Cypress out of The Stare. “No, you listen. I don’t want to hurt you, okay?”
Cypress nodded.
“Okay,” Fluttershy smiled sweetly. “So all you have to do is leave me alone, okay?”
Cypress gulped.
“Good.” Fluttershy blinked and giggled. “I really don’t want to hurt you. Or anypony.”
Cypress the Virus growled. “That makes one of us!”
Cypress lunged at Fluttershy before the pegasus could Stare again. Just as she left the ground, the wall behind her exploded, showering the angry inmate in rubble. Cypress’ confused scream tore its way out of the avalanche as she disappeared from view.
When the dust cleared, Pinkie Pie could be seen on the other side of the wall with her party cannon smoking. “Somepony order a jailbreak?”
“Not especially,” Fluttershy admitted as she examined the rubble. “Nice timing, though.”
“Thanks!” Pinkie packed up the prepared popgun and plunged into the jail cell. “We should go, I don’t think our distraction is gonna last long.”
“Distraction?” Fluttershy asked.
“Cutie Mark Crusader Master Criminals, YAY!” The sound of an explosion signified a guard tower disintegrating into confetti. “Come on girls, distract those guards!”
Fluttershy sighed as Pinkie Pie led her across the yard and to freedom. “Well, I suppose I should thank you, Pinkie.”
“No need, Fluttershy!” Pinkie smiled. “If you can’t trust your friends to break you out of a maximum security prison, what can you trust them to do?”
“I suspect I’ll never find out,” Fluttershy said as the sound of dogs on their trail drifted over.
“Are you sure it’s not too much trouble?” Fluttershy asked for the fifty-eighth time that day.
“Yes,” Little Strongheart replied for the fifty-eighth time that day. “We are happy to help out a friend.”
“Okay,” Fluttershy said. She waited a moment before speaking again. “Are you sure you don’t need me to do anything else—”
“Miss Fluttershy,” Little Strongheart huffed, “we buffalo are perfectly fine with you hiding in the fields. We are sure the Appleoosans would feel the same, if they were told they were harboring a dangerous criminal, such as yourself.”
“Okay,” Fluttershy sighed. She smiled. “Am I doing a good job?”
“Yes,” Little Strongheart chuckled. “Just keep your head down when travelers pass.”
“Of course I ca— Oh, there’s one now!” Fluttershy stuck her head inside the false tree and fell silent.
Braeburn tipped his hat to Little Strongheart. “Howdy do?”
“Just fine!” Strongheart waved back. She nudged the tree once he had passed from sight. “Applejack said she’d visit occasionally, as did your other friends.”
“Good,” Fluttershy whispered. “Are the Cutie Mark Crusaders out of Juvenile Hall yet?”
“Discord’s working on that,” Strongheart said. “He said he was a good lawyer…”
“So let me get this straight…” The honorable Judge Granny Smith looked down her glasses at Discord. “My granddaughter and her friends got into some kinda hoosegow brawl in Canterlot, an’ it wasn’t their fault they had loaded party cannons at the scene of the prison break?”
Discord nodded. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
“Well, that’s a mighty big swear, Mister Cord.” Granny, the honorable Judge Smith, said. “Sounds legit. Soups up!”
And with that, the court was adjourned.
Angel Bunny sat back with a bulging stomach. He sighed and patted it contentedly. He decided his meal had been pretty keen. He noticed the remains lying in a corner, untouched since he had finished picking them clean of anything desirable. A toothpick explored the space between his teeth. He belched a most epic belch.
He snapped his fingers, and Irate Trespasser ran up carrying a plate of greens. “M-more food for Monsieur?”
Angel slapped the pony in the face. Irate nodded. “Of course, I’ll massage your widdle bunny paws, anything for you!”
Angel smirked.
Author's Note
This was fun, totally stream-of-consciousness, off-the-wall crazy. This is seriously nuts. This is like if Pinkie Pie and Discord collaborated on a story and then ran it through a blender. I love it completely, really.
Full disclosure time: This started as a satire of the innumerable writers who think that Fluttershy would find an omnivore (that is, your basic human in Equestria) the epitome of evil. Or at least distasteful.
It quickly devolved into a silly, silly story. I'm happy with the direction it went, and I don't think i'll ever be able to write a full-on satire.
Now parody, that's something else entirely. I think parody is quite fun. My Blueblood stories, for example, are about the nicest parody you can get; the kind that actually tries to tell its own story.
