The Best HIE Fic Ever!

by Spade-Heart

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Romance, Random, Adventure, Diamond Tiara, Sex, Human, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1261

A human goes to Equestria for no reason and does stuff.

Human goes to Equestria for no actual reason!

Yet another Human in Equestria story! Enjoy or I will hunt you down!

Published 2013-07-21 07:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-21 07:00:03 UTC

Chapter 1

I am a human who likes My Little Pony because it's so mainstream that it's cool. Kinda like hating on female celebrities like Nicki Minaj and Justin Bieber. Anyways, I was sitting on my computer, using a chair, because no one actually sits ON a computer. If you do, you're a fucking idiot. So while I was sitting on my chair in front of my computer, or behind my computer, or between my chair and my computer, I finished my drawing of a portal to who-gives-a-shit-land. It was beautiful; It’s amazing what Paint can do. I printed the drawing, grabbed it, and placed it onto floor.

‘’Building a teleporter!’’ I said with a huge smile, which disappeared into a frown when the paper didn’t shit out a teleporter like in Team Fortress 2. I got frustrated and began throwing stuff around like an angry Call of Duty-kid. When all the furnitures in my room were destroyed, I turned around to snatch my useless computer, only to see a portal on the screen. Why was it there? Because fuck you, that’s why!

The blue portal looked so inviting and as a smarter than average human, I decided to jump in for no actual reason. Smiling like a Joker’s retarded little brother, I literally dived into the portal. Unfortunately the screen was small and my ass didn’t go through very smoothly, so my computer shattered into a zillion pieces of Windows 7 as I finally got in.

After about 0.00000012 seconds I found myself running around in Ponyville, greeting every single pony I passed by. Every one of them immediately ran away and it made me sad so I killed myself by holding my breath for about seven seconds.

I saw a dream where I was Moomintroll who was being chased and then butt-raped by The Groke. It officially killed my childhood.

I was resurrected by Twilight Sparkle. I've never liked her so I told her to go fuck herself and walked away, knocking over fruit stands on the way because fuck you, that’s why!

Remembering that I was stuck in a kids show and probably being watched by perverted male, and possibly some female bronies, I flipped a middle finger to every direction, especially to one direction, then reached down my pants in attempt to jerk off just for them. I unbuttoned my jeans and whipped out my dick, which was actually a pipe bomb. Hooray for cartoon logic! I had no fucking idea how it worked so I tossed it over my shoulder. It exploded and killed everyone at the fruit market. I didn’t give a shit, and proceeded towards the schoolhouse with my dick still visible and swaying as I walked.

As I reached the schoolyard, every little brat in there freaked out and fled, probably because they thought I was a child molester or something. How the hell did they know? I heard Diamond Tiara making fun of the size if my dick, saying her father’s was way bigger. I got pissed and approached her, swinging my baseball bat I pulled out of my pocket, then halted and remembered that my brother’s friend’s former roommate is half-Brazilian. I threw the bat away and delivered a kick in her face like a professional football player from Brazil I was possibly related to, sending her screaming little body flying through the skies and into space. Yes, there is space in My Little Pony universe, how else there is moon and sun and shit? She ended up flying straight into a black hole that came out of fucking nowhere because there's always some queer shit happening in space. And since this is a kids show, and because the universe would be incomplete without annoying little bitches, she didn't die - unfortunately - and instead traveled into alternate dimension we call Tellus.

At the same moment, some dude named Larson was sitting behind his computer, writing all kinds of stuff. Suddenly he heard very distant screaming and looked up, only to see a giant pink rat wearing a tiara crashing through the roof and into his face. Diamond Tiara held a tight grip around his head in fear she was going to space travel again. The truth was that she wasn't really scared, just too dumb to let go of him, even though he screamed in shock and panic, trying to rip her off with one hand while still blindly typing with the other one. After all, he's a busy man and can't let his work be interrupted by anything. Because of this, though, the stuff he was writing turned out to be almost complete shit and was later named ''Magical Mystery Cure''. No one knows what happened to Diamond Tiara, but for some reason she appeared later in the show because fuck logic.

Laughing hysterically, I continued my way towards the center of the town. Why did I come to the schoolyard in the first place? So I could molest every single kid in there. But kicking Diamond Tiara already gave me a voluptuous orgasm so the kids were safe… for now.

Soon I was back in the town, whistling Rebecca Black’s Friday and flipping middle finger to everyone I passed by because they were assholes to me when I arrived here.

What do you mean they were not? They didn’t even stop to say hello. Dickheads.

Since I haven’t got a fucking clue where this story is going, I’ll just put Lyra here because fuck you, that’s why!

‘’Hello there, human,’’ some lime green unicorn chirped at me, her face beaming. I stared at her dumbly as it took a minute or so for my pea-sized brain to comprehend who she was. My eyes widened as it dawned upon me.

I released a cry of horror.

Standing before me, or in front of me, was Lyra: the goofy and infamous human-raping nutcase whom half of the brony fandom would like to fuck just because she would be willing.

My room smells like piss. Anyways, back to the story.

Just for the sake of my virginity, I tried to punch her in the face. She flicked her horn and halted my fist in mid-air with golden aura surrounding it. Of course. Goddamn unicorns.

I tried to pull my hand away, but to no avail. With a forceful tug, Lyra pulled me into a kiss. It tasted like horse. I hastily pulled away and vomited on my feet. Lyra just laughed, flashing a smile she probably thought was sexy, but somehow screamed ‘’I’m going to fuck your brains out’’.

‘’Follow me to my bedroom. Now,’’ she commanded.

‘’Aw hell naw, bitch,’’ was my response before I pulled a chainsaw from my ass and cut off my arm. I wasn’t expecting it to hurt like hell since this was a kids show. Ignoring the pain, I ran off, then collapsed due to loss of blood. Wow, that was fast.

With my final strength I looked up from the ground and saw Lyra raping my body, somehow hopping on my flaccid penis. Whoever came up with the idea of Lyra being obsessed with humans should have his dick castrated by rats chewing through it.

I finally passed out.

I woke up. It was all just a dream.

Gee, ain’t that a great twist?

…Because fuck you, that’s why!

I opened my eyes and saw this

My heart stopped and I died, wondering how this story got approved.

The End, bitches! HAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Author's Note

... someone please shoot me.