Grand Theft Chariot

by TheUziel

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 609

The Princesses have disappeared, and the underworld is in chaos. Three lost souls, a gangster, an ex-cop, and a hitman, are sent on an incredible journey to save Equestria, provided they don't rob it blind in the process.

Princesses Celestia and Luna have vanished. Nobody knows where or why. Princesses Cadence and Twilight Sparkle are left to lead Canterlot, but they have found that running the country is not as easy as raising the moon or the sun. To help them, they have seen to the creation of Parliament and the offices of the Prime Minister. What they couldn't have predicted was the forces outside (and inside of) of Equestria that Celestia and Luna had been dealing with on a daily basis:
-The Ursics of Kodyik, Equestria's main rival on the international stage, is exerting its muscle throughout the world, and Equestria must meet the challenge and maintain its position .
-Millions of ponies from Kodyik have fled the country, and Equestria has welcomed their brothers. The city known as Stalliongrad, inhabited mostly by these refugees or their predecessors, has gone from a respectable sized city to a metropolis rivaling Manehattan.
-The organizations of crime syndicates colloquially known as the Herd have seen a series of coups and upheavals. Violent crime in every city has skyrocketed, and the police are overstretched.
-Corruption in the police departments has hamstrung Equestria's law enforcement.
-Griffin politics has brought their problems to Equestria, as Equestria is heavily reliant on Griffin banking.

These are just some of the problems that the Princesses have had to deal with, on top of trying to uncover what has happened to Luna and Celestia. Twilight Sparkle has invested so much of her time into her search, she can't deal with all of these issues. So Twilight Sparkle has turned to three unorthodox agents to deal with some of these problems:

-Bookem Badge, a disgraced, alcoholic Fillydelphia Police detective. Recently excommunicated from the police force, he has turned to 'private security' work, acting, effectively, as a mercenary and bodyguard for the rich and powerful.
-Maney Corleohoof, the recently orphaned blacksheep of Las Pegasus's Corleohoof crime family. Maney had been sent to go run the street gangs of Las Pegasus after a disagreement with the family. To his dismay, a new Herd crime boss launched a war on the Corleohooves, leaving Maney, his sister, and three cousins as the remaining heirs.
-Vympel Gru, an ex-Special Forces 'Ronin' pony from Kodyak. The son of a legendary agent, Vympel went rogue when he uncovered a series of plots to slaughter Kodyak's pony population. Vympel has since been living as a street enforcer in Stalliongrad for the numerous gangs and syndicates popping up.

Normally tangential to one another's existences, these three antiheroes may just be what Equestria needs in its darkest hours…If they don't steal everything not nailed down first.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-18 22:02:40 UTC

Bookem Badge

Fillydelphia, 1 week before

“I’m telling you, Bythe, I’m fine. I’m keeping active, I’ve found good work in the private sector,” Bookem Badge said, fitting his fedora on his head, “There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m sober, I’m fit.”

The chariot sped through the streets. A mounted catapult slung exploding stones at cars and passersby not to kill them, but to disperse them. It kept the street clear as the chariot slammed through any obstacles not quick enough to get out of its way.

“You’ve been so self-destructive in the past, and a lot’s going on,” Bythe Books replied. He twirled his coffee cup, sloshing it about, and took a sip, “Everyone at the station’s worried about you.”

Sirens wailed as police cycles approached. The police ponies pumped the pedals, with a charged magic motor augmenting their motions to be able to catch up to the chariot, itself powered and sped by the Pegasi pulling it. The catapult loaded and turned towards the police cycles, and fired, leaving stones and a crater where one of the police cycles had been.

“I know I’ve been through a lot, but I’ve dealt with it. I’ve moved on, and I’m a new stallion. Come on, I’ll treat you to lunch. I had a job recently, it paid really well,” Bookem insisted.

“I dunno,” Bythe hesitated.

A gyrocopter flew overhead. Only this one wasn’t police like the others. The pilot sipped water, and it sped over the street below. Bookem adjusted the harness, and took a drink of the whiskey he kept in his pocket. Technically that meant he was no longer sober, but he wasn’t getting drunk, he reasoned. He was flying, which was bad enough for an earth pony with a fear of flying. But this was way worse. His sponsor would understand.

“All right! Go, now!” the pilot shouted to him. Bookem took a second sip, and jumped.

“It’s not like I’m giving you a car. It’s lunch, at that place you liked to go to but could never afford, down on Green. The one with that weird lasagna? Come on, you got time. The Chief’ll understand,” Bookem encouraged.

“How about tonight, instead?” Bythe offered, “I do have to get back to the station.”

Bookem plummeted, only the ropes keeping him slowed so that he didn’t become a smear. He hovered above the chariot. The unicorn driver turned to look at him, his mouth dropped. All of these ponies were wearing clown masks. Bookem just had on a baklava.

“Sup,” Bookem said, and he punched the driver in the forehead. The unicorn slumped over, causing the chariot to twitch to the left, but the Pegasi compensated and kept going forward. Bookem guided himself to the stuffed duffel bag, and grabbed it. The pony on the catapult noticed him, and shouted a string of expletives. Bookem gave him a salute, tugged on the rope, and was pulled up.

“All right. Let everyone know I said hello, and that I miss seeing them,” Bookem nodded.

“Last time you were at the station you cursed everyone’s names and families.”

“Last time I was at the station, I was in cuffs. I’m better now. I should probably apologize, too,” Bookem bit his lip, “Bythe, I know I put you through a lot the last couple of years. I did a lot of stupid shit, and you didn’t deserve to be there.”

“You’re dealing with your moop,” Bythe said. Bookem grinned at the reference of their in-joke.

“I’m dealing with my moop. I’m sorry.”

“All right, well. Stay out of trouble, Bookem.”

“No promises.”