Nothing for Money (and Work for Free)
Hello.
My name is Trixie. I am — er, was — the greatest unicorn in all of Equestria.
I used to run a magic business which, admittedly, had become a little bit lackluster over the years. Whereas ponies used to come to my shows to be entertained by my magnificent talent, now they just jeer and shout at me, trying to force me out of town because of a certain infuriating pony whose name I shall not mention.
Curse you, Sparkle.
Now, I had been forced to do something which I had never imagined ever having to do previously. Something absolutely demeaning and embarrassing. Something that no famous showmare should ever have to do.
I'd been left with no choice but to try to get into some entry-level employment.
Oh no.
I didn't have any idea where to start. Nopony had ever told me about this! Should I ask store managers around town? Should I ask ponies on the street for help? No... they would just criticise and insult me. I had heard about job listings in newspapers, but...
Of course! The newspaper!
* * *
I sat, somewhat dangerously, at the edge of the Everfree Forest. I had retrieved a copy of the day's Ponyville Journal from the news agent, albeit with a few bite marks left over from the encounter with that little filly.
Curse you.
The format looked pretty simple; it had columns upon columns of business names, each with brief job descriptions written underneath them.
"Ugh. This is unbearable. Why does this always happen to me?" I thought out loud, probably disturbing some ultra-sensitive forest life-form. That would have been just my luck.
Without warning, rain suddenly picked up infinitely, beating down on the newspaper and destroying its pages. The one job advertisement I saw, before it was entirely destroyed, was the following:
McDonald's
First Equestrian branch.
666 Mane Street, Ponyville
Then, a large excrement found its way atop my head, taking up 95% of my field of view.
"Curses..."
* * *
So this is the place, I thought, examining the big red building. I noticed a large, yellow upside-down-W-shaped statue, placed on the top of a tall pole beside the main building. Inside, I could see an array of colourful equine customers enjoying their meals. Their simple, disgusting meals, I corrected myself.
This was going to be a nightmare. "That's an understatement," I thought out loud, again.
After a series of silly horse noises, including what may have been an exasperated sigh, I slowly made my way toward the revoltingly brightly-coloured building and walked inside.
The first thing I noticed, which stopped me hard in my tracks, was an awful greasy stench, strong enough to kill even the most hardened of soldiers. Luckily for me, I had been through more hardships than they could have ever imagined! Wait, is that lucky?
The second thing I noticed was the age of the ponies beyond the barrier of purchasing (which is what I think counters should be called). They were all under the age of 18. If they want an efficient workplace, then why don't they hire some more experienced workers? I wondered.
It was time to make the ultimate decision. Should I go through with this and get a job, or should I back out and be free?
Before I could finish my thought, a family of earth ponies collided with my left side, spilling copious amounts of Coca-Cola all over me, ruining my specially-cleaned coat.
Curse you ponies...
The grey-muttonchopped, light brown stallion who seemed to be the father turned his head away from the inane conversation with which he was involved, his eyes landing on me. "Hey, look where you're going!"
I was absolutely baffled. "Me? Look where I'm going? You were the one who—"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't wanna have an argument here, but if that's what you want, then I'll give it to ya!"
A black pony, dressed in a black suit, wearing unnecessarily large black sunglasses, walked up between the pair of us. "You two wanna take this outside? No fighting on the premises, please," he said, before annoyingly pushing us out the glass exit door.
"Hey, what are you—" that other stallion started before I interrupted the idiot.
"Get your dirty hooves off of me, you swine!" I shouted, waving my hooves around in his face, trying push him away.
"Miss, I'm afraid you're no longer welcome at this restaurant. You too, sir. Have a good day." He turned to walk back inside.
"But — hey, this stallion — he spilled—" The door closed with a metallic pop. The security guard turned around inside and stuck an embarrasingly ugly photograph of me (and that idiot) to the inside of the door so that any visitors going in would know that I (and he) was banned.
How dare you...
"Oh, now look what you've done! You stupid mare! You should'a never come back here!" shouted the idiot, before flailing his head around and walking out of the vicinity.
Curse you!
* * *
Well, here I am again. I had returned the the location from which I had been barred. This time, however, I was ready to dodge any potential spills, and I also had a disguise. A moustache! Brilliant!
Attempt #2: Commence!
I walked in through the front door, making sure my moustache was well-attached. A family of earth ponies approached my left side, holding drinks precariously on their heads. I did a quick dash three metres forward, avoiding the splash from the now spilled-all-over-the-place cup of Coke. Phew! That was close!
I walked up to the counter and put on my best deep male voice, which was quite terrible, but I think it got the job done. "Uh, hello. Yeah, my name's The Great and Powerful Triiieeuuhhh—" Oh crap! I don't have a name! I thought, quickly looking around the room to see what inanimate objects I could use. A large-sized Diet Coke... no. A table... no. Eureka! "My name is Burgers! Yeah, Burgers!"
"Hello, Burgers. Welcome to McDonald's. How may I take your order?" asked the teenaged male behind the barrier of purchasing. His voice sounded really stupid, to be brutally honest. It's like he couldn't decide if he wanted to speak with a high tone or a low tone, so he just switched between them every quarter of a second. His face was also full of red spots.
"I would like a... wait. Actually I was hoping to get a job here. I need to feed all my rabbits."
"Hold on, sir. Let me go and get the manager," he said, before mindlessly staring ad infinitum.
"Excuse me? You were going to get the manager?"
"What?" His face showed legitimate confusion. "Oh yeah; I'll be right back."
The young pony disappeared around a corner for about 5 minutes, before finally returning.
"Welcome to McDonald's. How may I take your order?"
"Hey, you just went to get the manager for me! Stop wasting my time!"
"Oh yeah. Just go into the back room. It's right at the end of that hallway there," he said as he pointed down the hallway with a hoof.
I didn't want to waste any more time here, so I went right to the back room.
* * *
"So, you want a job at McDonald's, do ya?" the manager asked in a highly superior tone, looking down on me for some strange reason. He was extremely burly, almost so much so that his legs should have already torn themselves off of his body.
"Yes, I would. Are there any positions available?"
"Well, not right now. Czech back next year."
* * *
One year later...
"So, it's been a whole year, has it, Mr. Burgers?" the manager asked.
"Yep. Are there any positions available now?" I replied, still wearing my moustache.
"There sure are. One just opened up: Barrier of Purchasing Sales Clerk."
"Oh, great."
"BUT! Before I give that job to ya, you're gonna have to answer some questions."
"Uh... sure."
"First: Why do you wanna work here?"
"I need to feed my rabbits."
"Second: How many hours a week can you work, and on what days?"
"Any time, any day."
"Third: How old are you?"
Could this be a trick? If I respond with my actual age, 42, they might not accept me. All of the other employees were under 18, after all. "Seventeen."
"Well then. I've got some news for you."
"Uh... sure. What is it?"
"WELCOME TO THE TEAM!" he shouted, diving across the desk, grabbing me with a tackle and driving his hoof into the top of my head. "You'll be happy here; I can tell!"
"Sure... sure..."
Curse you, brute!
* * *
I walked to the barrier of purchasing, wearing my newly-acquired McDonald's uniform, and found my place.
"Finally, an income! Now I can earn some money again!"
All of a sudden, there was a loud bang in the back room, followed by some screaming. A hunk of burning "meat" came flying from the source of the sound, barely missing my head. A Mercedes-Benz drove past outside with some ponies hanging their upper halves out of the windows. They held some black bars which seemed to be vibrating, causing lots of little bullet-sized holes to appear in the windows. Wait a second...
"CRAP!" I shouted, diving to the ground behind the barrier of purchasing. I heard a small glass shattering sound behind me, prompting me to turn around and see the glass coffee case behind me, shattered. It had coffee beans spilling out everywhere. Eww... coffee beans...
What is that? I asked in my mind, looking at a mangled pile of blue and purple stuff. Hmm...
"MY HAT AND CAPE! NO! NOT THEM!" I cried, collapsing. I should never have worn my uniform over them! I picked them up in my hooves and cuddled them like a small child would cuddle his favourite dog, who had just been run over by a Hummer.
Curses!
The noise subsided. I stood up and saw lots of corpses everywhere. None of them had any blood though, because that would be too messy for a show like this. I couldn't hear anything but the sound of silence and smoothie machines.
My first job... ruined.
I took off the uniform and walked towards the glass exit door — which still had my picture on it — noticing that one of the shooting victims had been Pinkie Pie. Oh well.
Upon exiting, I saw a familiar pink pony, with a fluffy mane and tail, hopping around the door. Wait, what? I looked back inside the building and saw that there was clearly a corpse of her exact description slumped back in one of the seats.
"Hello, Trixie!" she chanted.
"How are you—" I noticed that she recognized me. I quickly checked if I still had my fake moustache on — and confirmed that it was, indeed, there. "How can you recognize me?"
"I was here a year ago, when you first tried to get a job. The only thing that changed was that moustache! Hee hee hee!"
"Drat! It was useless!" I cursed.
Curses!
"Since you look like you just lost your job, do you want a job working with my dad?"
"Ugh... fine. Wait, how did you not die‽"
"Oh, I did die! I just had another life!"
What?
* * *
"Well, you can start off by breaking this little rock here. My father'll be home in about an hour."
"Sure."
Rock breaking. Brilliant...
"Bye! Good luck with your new job!"
* * *
One hour later...
I was in the middle of breaking rocks when I heard the approaching sound of a cart being pulled by somepony. The cart was full of rocks, presumably for farming. A familiar pony pulled the cart.
(link to image 1)
"You! You're that idiot who got me banned in the..."
(link to image 2)
"You've got to be kidding me!"
