Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What: Bill's Revenge

by MajorDude

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara, Crossover, Human
Length: 3559

Bill Dauterive finally plots his revenge on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!

Bill Dauterive, from Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What, once hoped to plot his revenge on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon for their misdeeds. Now, with the help of his friend Dale Gribble, he finally gets the last laugh!!!

My apologies to the Diamond Tiara/Silver Spoon fans!

Published 2013-07-20 09:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-01 01:06:40 UTC

And so it begins...

Sugar Cube Corner

Bill and Pinkie Pie both walked in, wide grins on their faces.

Bill asked. "So, your aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, home?"

Pinkie giggled. "YEP! Waitaminute. How did you know about them?"

Bill chuckled at her. "Trust me, if I tell you, you would just end up like Twilight that one time you had the 'Pinkie Sense,' remember?"

She began to jump around, giggling. "Oh yeah! I remember!"

Bill scratched his head. "Long story short, my secret." he said.

Pinkie Pie smiled. "OH! I LOVE SECRETS!-!-!"

Bill smiled happily. Right next to Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie was also his favorite pony.

Eventually they headed to the bakery. There, Pinkie's aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Cake are there, along with their twins Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake.

"Hi Pinkie." Mr. Cake greeted. "Who's your friend?"

Bill waved his hoof. "Hello. My name is William Fontaine de la Tour D'Haute Rive. You can call me Bill."

He knelt down and patted Pound Cake's head. "You have such cute children Mr. and Mrs. Cake."

Mrs. Cake smiled. "Why thank you."

Pinkie came up to Bill and hugged him. "Hey guys guess what. Bill is from another planet. And he knows a lot about us! EVERYPONY!-!-!"

The Cakes just stood there, blinking. Bill just shrugged and smiled.

Pinkie gave the Cakes her puppy eyes. "Can he PLE-E-E-E-ASE stay here?" she asked.

Mr. Cake sat there thinking. "Umm..."

Bill smiled. "If you want..." he said. "I can help you around the bakery. It's the least I can do!"

Mrs. Cake smiled. "Sure he can stay here"

"YIPIIEE!" both Pinkie Pie and Bill shouted happily.

Pinkie giggled and quickly dragged him to his room.

Bill smiled and chuckled to himself.

"Thanks again, Pinkie Pie" he said. "AND THANK YOU MR. AND MRS. CAKE!-!-!"

Pinkie smiled. "No problem! And please, call me Pinkie" she said.

She left the room, knowing that she is gonna enjoy having him stay over.

Bill got comfortable in his new bed.

He was glad the Cakes allowed him to stay over.

As he laid down on the bed, he wondered about one thing. The only thing that bothered him.

"Now that I'm in Equestria," he said to himself, "should I...I don't know...It's pretty risky..."

As he yawned and closed his eyes, he said to himself, "Do I have the chance of getting revenge on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?

Much as changed as he thought that idea on his bed.

Hank finally brought propane to Equestria.

Hank worked and worked until the propane grill was complete, earning him his Cutie Mark.

He met Big Macintosh and brought cigarettes to Equestria (for Dale).

Bill and Boomhauer finally got their Cutie Marks.

Kahn hoped to earn a Cutie Mark on singing.

Bill and the gang volunteered as firefighters...with disastrous results.

Cotton and Big Macintosh have a brawl, but finally got along.

Cottons also earned his Cutie Mark from his fight with Big Macintosh.

As time passes, Bill keeps thinking about his plans for the snooty duo. Will he do it?

Ponyville Schoolhouse

Dale flew to the schoolhouse and, luckily for him, saw a sandbox there.

Dale also noticed Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon sitting on a bench, reading magazines.

Surprisingly, he saw Bill hiding in a bush with binoculars, occasionally using them to spy on the two fillies.

Dale walked towards the bush with a raised eyebrow. "Hey Bill." he said.

"SHH!" Bill shushed. "Please keep it down! I don't want those two little bitches to know I'm spying on them!"

Dale smirked. "Let me guess. You want to find their weak spots and get revenge on them, right?"

Bill slowly nodded. "Those two done so much. I'll never forgive them. I'd rather tongue-kiss Hank than to forgive them."

Dale nodded. "I've heard about them. If you want, since I'm a professional, I can help you bring those two down."

Bill smiled brightly. "You will?-!" he said. Dale nodded. "Sure. I just met them and already I don't like them."

Bill chuckled evilly. "Laugh all you want Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Soon I'LL have the last laugh...By the way, Dale, what are you doing here?"

"Personal purposes," Dale answered as he walked to the sandbox and took some sand.

As Dale grabbed some sand and put it in his jacket pocket, he walked over to the bush Bill was hiding in and hid in it.

"Besides," Dale whispered. "They bully Scootaloo. They oughta learn a lesson."

Bill raised an eyebrow. "Sounds like you care for Scootaloo."

Dale just nodded, nothing more.

Eventually, as soon as it got darker, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon packed up and headed home.

Bill signaled Dale to follow him as he silently followed Diamond Tiara.

Eventually, they followed Diamond Tiara to her mansion.

Dale just shook his head and said, "This is it?!"

"What's it?" Bill asked Dale.

"You wanted revenge, right?!" Dale said. "This isn't revenge! It's stalking! People are gonna think you LIKE Diamond Tiara!!"

Bill chuckled nervously, "Well the thing is...I never did thought of what to do. I kept thinking, I'll have my revenge this and that but I never did figure it out..."

Dale sighed. "Bill, I'm a professional, but I can't go around giving ideas. Sorry man, but you're gonna have to figure this plan of yours by yourself."

Bill shrugged. "Alrighty then. Well thanks again Dale."

Dale flapped his wings. "No problem."

Bill smirked. "Going back to Rainbow Dash?"

Dale let out a nervous grin. "Yeah...you can say that." he said as he put a hoof on his pocket to double check its content.

As Dale flew away, Bill sighed. "How am I gonna figure this out?"

As Bill yawned, he thought it would be a good idea to figure out how he will get his revenge at home.

He eventually headed towards Sugar Cube Forest.

Their "Helpful" Opinions

Their "Helpful" Opinions

Bill sighed as he walked around town, wondering who to ask.

Bill put his hoof on his chin, "Maybe I should ask Cotton. He's a WWII veteran AND KILLED FIFTY MEN!

Most of the ponies stared at him when he mentioned the "fifty men" thing. Some backed away from him.

Bill decided to head to Sweet Apple Acres to ask Cotton.

Sweet Apple Acres

When Bill arrived, he saw Cotton with a basket of apples.

Cotton smirked and said, "Hello, Fatty!"

Bill saluted and said, "Good morning sir! Permission to ask you a question?"

"Permission granted." Cotton replied.

"Sir!" Bill said. He wondered how he was gonna tell Cotton how to pull a cruel prank on two little brats. "How would you pull a cruel prank on two little brats?" Bill asked.

Cotton chuckled and shook his head. "Is this about that Diamond sumthing and Silver Whatshername?" he said as he still remembered when he first met them...

Flashback

Cotton was bored as hell as he was trying to sell apples.

"I hate selling frigging crap... Two apples for 2 bits! Ya wouldn't find a better deal somewhere else!"

"Blank flank! Blank flank!" Said a taunting voice nearby, which caught Cotton's attention.

Cotton turned around and saw a pink-furred filly and a silver-furred filly pointing and teasing Applebloom, an orange Pegasus filly, and a white unicorn filly, who were all the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Cotton raised an eyebrow at the 5 five fillies as a mare came up to him.

"Can I have 3 apples, please?" She asked.

Cotton, without looking at the mare, threw her four apples and walked towards the five fillies. "On the house, sweetcheeks." He muttered to the mare.

Cotton approached the five fillies and calmly said, "Alrighty, what's going on?"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at Cotton while the pink-furred filly, Diamond Tiara, held her nose up in the air and said, "None of your business, Gramps!"

The silver-furred filly, Silver Spoon, did the same thing. "Yeah! Mind your own business!"

Cotton let out a smirk. "Tough luck honey. I just made this mah business. And don't call me Gramps! I'm Cotton Hill! And I killed fiddy men!"

Silver Spoon snickered as Diamond Tiara let out grin. "You didn't tell me you had a crazy grandpa, Applebloom."

Cotton let out a scrowl and calmly said, "Let's get one thing straight, princess. I ain't her granddaddy. I got a grandson who can kick your ass, and he stinks at sports! Also, don't call me crazy. OK, Pinky and Silvie?"

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon looked at each other and rolled on the floor, laughing.

Cotton just shook his head and turned around to the Crusaders.

"Ya'll alright?" Cotton asked them.

The white unicorn, Sweetie Belle, and the orange filly, Scootaloo, both nodded with a small smile on their faces.

"Thanks, Mr. Hill, for standing up for us," Applebloom said.

Cotton smirked. "No problem! And call me Cotton. Now run along, you three. I'll take care of these two."

AppleBloom smiled. "Thanks Cotton. Maybe we'll get a cutie mark just like yer cutie mark for being brave" she said as the three girls walked away.

As the Cutie Mark Crusaders left, Cotton turned to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who were walking away.

"See ya, Gramps!" Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon shouted as they let out a laughter.

Cotton grabbed an apple he had, and threw it at Diamond Tiara.

As the apple hit her head, she turned around with a furious look, and saw Cotton running away.

"See ya, Sweetcheeks!!!" Cotton shouted as he ran away, howling with laughter.

Now

Cotton let out a chuckle.

"What is your opinion on how to pull a prank, sir?" Bill asked.

Cotton sighed and shook his head. "Sorry soldier." he said. "Don't know a thing or two about pranks..."

Bill shrugged and walked away, wondering who to ask next...and he knew who to ask!

Carousel Boutique

Bill walked in the shop and was a tad bit disappointed that Rarity isn't here.

Despite that, he saw Boomhauer, standing around, looking at Rarity's dresses.

Bill smiled and waved. "Hi Boomhauer!" Bill said.

Boomhauer smiled. "Yo." he said.

"Hey Boomhauer." Bill said. He wondered how he was gonna tell Boomahauer how to get revenge on two bullies. "How would you get revenge on two bullies?" Bill asked.

Boomhauer blinked. "Bullies, man? Dang o' don't know any bullies, yo man. Wait a minute, I tell you what. You mean, those two lil' fillies, man. You know dang o' it don't, sumthing Tiara and sumthing Spoon, or something, I tell you what, man yo, yeah."

Flashback

Six mares were running around, in search of something.

As they ran somewhere else, Boomhauer, who was hiding in a trash can, came out and sighed happily.

"Man, dis dang o' Dawn of the Dead and Land of Beautiful Women, man. I tell you what, women want a piece of dang ol' Boomhauer man. Yo, Viva La Equestria, man, heh heh."

All of a sudden he heard something.

"Blank flank! Blank flank!" Said a taunting voice nearby, which caused Boomhauer to turn in the direction the voice was coming from.

He saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon teasing the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Boomhauer shook his head and ran to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

"Goddamn, man, what in goddang you two girls doing man? Dang ol' misbehaving lil' gals is something I just don't like man, I tell you what."

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stared at Boomhauer and started to giggle.

"Hey Silver!" Diamond Tiara said, giggling. "Duh! I tell you what! Der! Duh! Dang ol' Blah!" she said, intimating Boomhauer's voice. Silver Spoon started to laugh.

Boomhauer started to get angry. "Hey man, what in dang ol, think ya doin' man!-?" He shouted to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. "Who in god dang told ya two about manners, man? I tell you what, man, parents didn't raise you right man. Man, mah parents like I don't know man, raised me right yo. Dang ol' take me to your parents man, I wanna have a lil' chat wit them, I tell you what man. Dang ol', I don't know, man dang git, teach you some god dang manners, man yo, I tell you what man. God dang man, ya two girls making me mad yo. Just like that one time, I tell you what, when that social worker man., leaves me cause I kept talking man. I tell you what the Mason 2500 man, didn't dang old listen man. Fire chief blamed Chet Elderson and Old Smokey man, it was dang old Gribble, I tell you what, plagiarism yo. Dang ol' whopping crane killed, WOO-LOO-LOO, man, ranger didn't check damn cooler, yo. 1000 dollars that this incident gonna happen again, I tell you what, phoenix man. Then that dang old one time..."

As Boomhauer continued talking, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon just shook their heads and laughed.

"C'mon Silver." Diamond Tiara said to Silver Spoon. "Let's leave dang old weirdo to himself, I tell ya what!"

They started to giggle and walked away.

As Boomhauer continued to talk, AppleBloom and Scootaloo looked at Sweetie Belle.

"Hey Sweetie Belle." Scootaloo said. "You know this guy, right?"

Sweetie Belle nodded nervously. "Uh yeah..." she said.

AppleBloom smiled. "He's actually pretty cool!"

Sweetie Belle was surprised. Scootaloo nodded. "We should get cutie marks for talking funny and making ponies laugh!"

Sweetie Belle smiled. "Yeah, we should. Thanks for the idea Mr. Boomhauer!" she said as the Crusaders left.

"Then that dang ol' light came on mah bedroom and, I tell you what..." Boomhauer stopped talking when he realized he was all alone.

He shook his head. "Yo." was all he said.

Now

Boomhauer shook his head.

"How would you pull a prank on them?" Bill asked.

Boomhauer put a hoof on his forehead. "Damnit Dauterive. What you dang old pulling pranks man. Don't play on dem level man. Dang old YOU becoming the bully, I tell you what."

Bill sighed. "You don't know? That's OK. Thanks anyway."

As Bill left, Boomhauer rolled his eyes.

"Dang old idiot man." He muttered.

Bill decided to ask one last person before giving up.

Fluttershy's Cottage

Bill looked around and was more disappointed that Fluttershy wasn't there.

"Ah man." Bill groaned. "I really wanted to see one of my favorite ponies..."

All of a sudden, he heard a crash inside the cottage.

"God damn it Angel!!!" Kahn shouted. "Eat yer goddamn carrots before I shove them up yer ass!!!"

Bill walked inside as saw Kahn chasing Angel around the house.

Eventually, Kahn got tired and stopped running. Angel stuck out his tongue before running away.

"Fine!" Khaahn said as he took a big bite of the carrot he had. "I'LL eat the carrot! Oh yeah! That's good! That hits the spot!! That..."

He stopped when he saw Bill standing there.

Kahn spit out the carrot and glared at Bill. "Dauterive! What do you what?!"

"Uh..." Bill said. He wondered how he was gonna ask Khan how to teach 2 girls a lesson. "How would you teach 2 stupid dumb meanie girls a lesson?"

Kahn blinked. "Wait a minute. You mean that pink and silver ponies teasing those Crusaders or something?"

Flashback

Kahn was in town, taking a good walk.

"Thank God I'm out of that house. Fluttershy's a good girl, but I would rather have Hank mow my lawn with his hillbilly lawnmower than to get along with Angel..."

"Blank flank! Blank flank!" Said a taunting voice nearby, which caused Kahn to turn his head around.

Kahn shrugged it off. "Not my business" he said. Just when he was about to walk away, he heard somepony running towards the taunting voice.

Kahn turned around and was a surprised to see Dale running at Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and the Crusaders.

"Hey!" Dale shouted. "What do you two girls think you're doing?"

Diamond Tiara looked at Dale and smirked. "Hey, didn't you break that fire hydrant that one time?"

Khan chuckled to himself. "Gribble broke a fire hydrant? I gotta remember that one" he said to himself.

Dale let out a glare and even took out his glasses. "That's it. Prepare to be annihilated by a lethal combination of martial Tai Chi, Kung Fu, Ba Gua, Krav Maga, and Taekwondo...Shi Shawwww!!!" he said as he got in his unique fighting position "Now grab my arm, one hoof on my wrist ,and one hoof on my elbow, and it's gotta be right on the elbow or it won't work."

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon just stared at him and then looked at each other before they exploded in laughter, falling to the ground.

Dale just shook his head and turned to the Crusaders.

"You girls OK?" He asked.

Scootaloo smiled. "Yeah. We're fine. Thanks again Mr. Gribble."

Ever since Dale came to Ponyville, he was like a father figure to Scootaloo and a close friend to AppleBloom and Sweetie Belle.

"No problem. And please call me Dale." Dale said with a smile.

Dale frowned at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. "C'mon girls," he said to the Crusaders. "Let's leave these two alone."

As Dale and the Crusaders left, Kahn just shrugged.

"Waste of time," he said to himself. "Though that pink girl and silver girl kinda remind me of those Canterlot ponies. Man I still wanna 3-hole-punch that pony..." he said as he walked away.

Now

Kahn just sighed. He needed a 3-hole-puncher.

Bill scratched the back of his head.

"So any ideas?" he asked.

Kahn shook his head.

Bill just shrugged. "Uh...OK...I guess." he said as he left.

As Bill left, Angel quickly threw a carrot at the back of Kahn's head.

Kahn felt the impact of the carrot and furiously rubbed the back of his head.

"Someone's gonna be a bunny dish..." Kahn said in a cruel tone as he slowly grabbed a lamp.

Bill sighed. He still doesn't have a plan.

He headed for Sugar Cube Corner.

As he got there, he noticed that no pony was there.

He scratched his head in confusion.

"Hello William Fontaine de la Tour D'Haute Rive"

Bill suddenly stopped and almost had a attack attack.

He turned around and saw the source of the voice, who was walking towards Bill.

"You're...YOU'RE...!" Bill said as he began to sweat.

"The one and only..." the stranger said with a smile.

Bill let out a weak, hearty laughter. "I finally met Discorrrr..." he muttered weakly as he fainted humorously.

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait.

Think of this as a Halloween treat

The Plan

Sugar Cube Corner

Nighttime

As Bill laid in his bed, he had a black notebook labeled "Top Secret"

Inside the notebook, there were plans for pranks, missing pages, and crude drawings of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

Bill put his pencil on his mouth as he thought about his plan he is currently thinking of.

"I don't know..." Bill said to himself. "Throwing water balloons isn't good enough...Celestia-damn-it, I need to think of something better than this stupid trash!"

As he heard a knock at his door, he hid the notebook behind his pillow. He wondered who could it be, since it was pretty late.

"Come in." Bill said with a smile.

Immediately, Pinkie Pie came into his room.

Bill raised an eyebrow. "Pinkie, why are you awake?"

Pinkie giggled. "Hankie Wankie had a dream where he, you, and your friends were boy scout Straight Arrow something and not only it was boring but I wasn't in it! So I entered his dream but he woke up suddenly!"

Bill raised an eyebrow. "She can go into ponies' mind?" he thought. "I thought that was Luna's job. And for that matter, why hasn't the author included Luna?!"

Pinkie giggled to herself. "He's already broke the fourth wall!" she thought. "He's such a quick learner! I wonder if he'll learn to pull practical jokes like Rainbow Dash and Discord..."

Bill widen his eyes with a smile. "That's it!" he thought. "I could ask..."

Pinkie grinned. "He can even read my mind!" she thought. "Or is it the script? Ah whatever! Soon enough, he's gonna be the next Pinkie Pie! Except he isn't pink..."

"Or a pie." Bill said to himself while chuckling.

Pinkie sighed happily as she went back to bed.

The next day

Twilight's Home

Bill went to Twilight's home and was glad that the whole tree house is empty.

Using a lock pick, he was able to sneak in the house, undetected.

As he snuck around, he was able to find what he wanted, a blank scroll.

As soon as he stole some, he got a quill and began to write:

Dear Princess Celestia,
This may sound weird, but can you pass this letter to Discord? Thanks.

Hey Discord!
I'm Bill Dauterive! Hey quick question, how would you prank a bunch of bratty snooty rich kids? Thanks a bunch!

Bill Dauterive
/)(\ <3 <3

As soon as he finished his letter, he realized something.

"How am I gonna mail this?"

Immediately, Bill crumbled up the letter and threw it in the trash can.

He then snuck his way out and decided to ask somepony else.

"But who?" Bill said to himself...unaware of the faint flashing in Twilight's home...