That's Not Punny

by RainbowBob

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character
Length: 4283

When a human diplomat interviews Twilight, he's in for more than he expected with how strange pony culture could be. Especially over the fact they can't say five words without making a bad pun.

Christopher Boatner is a diplomat from Earth, in Equestria to interview Princess Twilight Sparkle to understand pony culture and customs better. Thing is, he's unprepared for what amounts to one of the biggest discoveries between humans and ponies ever. Bad puns. A lot of them. Along with general ignorance about the creepy nature of cutie marks. Will Chris be able to handle the multitude of horse puns? Read to find out!

A big thanks to my editors Kaidan and The 10th Doctor, along with my pre-readers Skeeter The Lurker and Mr101 for all their help!

Published 2013-07-19 23:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-19 23:30:03 UTC

Chapter 1: Puntastical!

“Mr. Boatner?”

“Yeah?”

“Princess Twilight Sparkle is prepared to meet you now.”

I smiled, getting up from my seat which was starting to trouble my back. Too low for human standards, that’s for sure. Straightening out my tie, giving my jacket a quick brush off of any visible wrinkles or blemishes and finishing with a minor flattening of my hair with a brush of my hand, I was ready to go.

The receptionist mare nodded to me and returned my eager smile, her horn glowing to open the door right beside her desk. I have to admit, a unicorn’s magic may be a strange sight at first, but damn is it convenient for them.

Walking through the door with a quick wave to her, I entered a simple room with just a table, a chair and a single light fixture hanging from the ceiling. It gave me momentary remembrance of interrogation rooms cops set up for criminals, but that didn’t trouble me. This was most certainly not an interrogation. Besides, I’d be the one asking the questions.

Princess Twilight Sparkle herself, sitting down on a cushion on the floor. Good news for my back was that this chair seemed to be made for humans.

Placing the briefcase I had been carrying on the table, I cleared my throat and reached out with my hand towards her. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, it is an honor to finally meet you.”

Twilight smiled kindly at me, reaching out with her hoof to shake my hand. The process was awkward at best, since I was pretty sure ponies didn’t understand the finer techniques of hand shaking without any, um, hands.

“A pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. Christopher Boatner,” she replied.

I took my seat, opening up my the briefcase to dig around for my supplies. “Really, formalities aren’t necessary. You can simply call me Chris if you want.”

“Then you can call me Twilight as well,” she said.

Glancing over the top of my case, I have to admit by saying she wasn’t what I first expected. Usually with royalty you expect them to be decked out in the usual grandeur of luxurious clothing with elegant jewelry. But here she was just naked–not in the dirty sense, mind you, since most ponies just walk around naked anyways–with the only indication of her status as princess being the horn and wings combo. I had at least learned that much before my trip over here.

Removing my yellow notepad, a pencil, and tape recorder, I was all good for the interview. I felt strange interviewing someone with such unsophisticated tools, especially for such an important one such as this, but apparently the government on Earth still wanted to ease in the knowledge about our advanced technology to the less advanced ponies. If we suddenly start introducing them to iphones and plasma screen televisions, there’d probably be a freakout for the ponies to get their hooves on these gadgets. Likewise on the pony end for their magic.

Turning my tape recorder on and preparing a fresh page of my notepad to write upon, I was ready to go. “So, Twilight, I’m glad we’re on such friendly terms here. This the first interview you ever had?”

“Well, not exactly my first...” Twilight replied. “I mean, once I became a princess I just got swarmed by the media.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that here,” I assured her, quickly writing down the fact the ponies had some form of media news. “In fact, think of this more of a lesson for both of us. I get to learn more about your culture, and if you want, you can ask me any questions about mine as well.”

The smile on her face grew twice as wide. Goddamn, I have to admit, that’s frickin’ adorable. Guess I hit the sweet spot.

“Is this your first interaction with ponies?” she asked, really eager to make good on what I said. “I remember that when the first humans arrived in Equestria through the portal, they pretty much freaked out when they saw us. And we did kind of too.” She blushed at the remembrance of that event.

“I wouldn’t quite say this is my first time talking with you folks,” I said, thinking back to a few months ago. “As a diplomat of the United States of America, I’ve been exposed to strange customs and cultures before. Not as strange as you ponies, but I’ve gotten pretty used to it. Plus, I spent a few hours talking with one of your diplomats before I arrived here, so I’m not going in blind, as they say.”

I tapped the eraser end of my pencil to the table in thought. “So, how exactly did you react to humans when you first met us? I know a few individuals on both your side and my own aren’t exactly... comfortable with pony and human interaction.”

“I have to admit, when the portal first appeared and your people arrived, I was as scared as anypony–”

“Wait, don’t you mean anybody?” I interrupted, unsure if I was hearing her correctly.

Her blush came back twofold. “Oh, sorry about that. We have different terms than you humans for some of our words. We say ‘anypony’ and ‘everypony’ and even ‘nopony’ most of the time.”

Okay... that was odd. I was unsure if it was actually a term they used befitting the name of their race in everyday speech, but I took her word for it. Jotting it down, I rolled my hand for her to continue.

Picking back up where she left off, she said, “Anyways, when I first saw that portal suddenly spring up out of nowhere in Canterlot–”

“Canterlot?” I interrupted yet again.

“Yes, Canterlot. The capital of Equestria, and my home city.”

“Um... that sounds an awful lot like Camelot,” I said, realizing that just now.

“No, I said Canterlot,” she said, sounding slightly frustrated. “Where did you get Camelot from?”

“The Arthurian legend about the mythical city of Camelot,” I explained. “Basically your city sounds like a play on words for Camelot, except with the pony term ‘canter’ thrown in there as well.”

“Well, sorry, I didn’t name the city,” she said, apparently irked that I kept on butting in. Understanding that I was becoming an annoyance, I allowed for her to continue with the story I’ve heard many times before.

Scientists create a portal that somehow opens up into the land of magical talking ponies called Equestria. Both species are shocked at the discovery of one another, and even a few months after that famous event, news is still buzzing around on Earth about the ponies. Likewise, I expect the same thing to be happening on the pony end of the spectrum.

“So after all that, when I heard a human diplomat was arriving to learn more about us, I couldn’t pass up the chance to talk,” she said, ending her tale.

By now I had an ample amount of notes written down, sure to make the boys back home ecstatic. But I still had plenty of time to get more down as well. “Well, you certainly seem eager to learn more about us humans,” I chuckled, twirling the pencil around in my fingers. Twilight’s eyes were fixated as this simple movement. Guessing she wasn’t used to seeing a human hand at work.

“Oh, most certainly!” she said. “All my friends wanted to meet you as well, but I thought that’d be kind of overwhelming for you. Seeing how you’re still getting used to us and all.”

“I can understand that,” I said, a new topic popping up in my head. “So, tell me more about your friends. If I know my facts correctly, you’re all Elements of Harmony, right?”

“Kind of. We’re the Elements bearers, not the actual Elements,” she explained eagerly. “Each one of us represents an Element.”

“Are these Elements like the Elements of the Periodic Table?” I asked, though I was pretty sure my question came out as rhetorical.

“No, each Element represents an aspect of Harmony. Laughter, Loyalty, Honesty, Generosity, Kindness and Magic.”

“So, technically speaking, everyone is an Element of Harmony, since we all have aspects of each of the Elements inside ourselves?” I asked. “Sans maybe the Magic part, since I’m still unsure of that one.”

“I don’t think you understand. Each person who represents their particular Element represents it better than anypo–er, anyone else.”

I could have argued further about someone being the best at ‘Laughter’, but I decided to go along with it. These ponies were a strange bunch, but I wasn’t hired to judge them. That’s the media’s job.

“Anyways, I guess I should start with who’s the Element of Laughter. That would be Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said, scratching the back of her neck awkwardly. “In fact, she was the most eager of us all to meet you. She’s never thrown a party for a human before, and she wants to know what treats and pastries humans prefer.”

I wrote down the name ‘Pinkie Pie’ on my notepad, stared at it for a few moments, then turned my attention back to Twilight. “This can’t seriously be her name, can it?”

“Oh no, it isn’t,” Twilight said. “Her real name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. We just call her Pinkie for short, since she’s... well, pink.”

I nodded my head. Made more sense than someone’s parents really naming them such a ridiculous way.

“Next up would be the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash. She’s a pegasus on the weather team, and a speedster as well.”

“Rainbow Dash?” I asked, feeling slightly absurd saying something like that. “Please tell me that’s a nickname too.”

“No, her nickname is Dashie,” Twilight chuckled. “She does have a rainbow mane, so that might be why she’s called that.”

“Rainbow... mane?”

“Her hair is all the colors of a rainbow,” Twilight explained, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m not her parents, so that’s all I can infer.”

God, these ponies had weirder color varieties than I thought. Along with names straight from the mind of a six year old girl. But I just went with what she said and wrote down anything important. “So, I’m guessing the Element of Honesty is always truthful then?”

“That’s right. Applejack always keeps her word.”

“The cereal?”

Twilight tilted her head in question. “No, the pony.”

“I meant the cereal, Apple Jacks,” I said, making a motion with my hand of me eating cereal with a spoon to explain better. “You usually eat it at breakfast, with milk.”

“Yes, I know what cereal is,” she said, rolling her eyes slightly. Guess I was a little too obvious to her. “And no, her name is Applejack, but not after any cereal I know of.”

“So... based off what her friends are already called, she’s named that because her coat is red or something?”

Twilight laughed. “What, no, her brother, Big Macintosh’s coat is red. Hers is orange.”

“Of course it is...” I sighed deeply, placing my pencil down for a moment to rub my eyes. “So, why exactly is she called Applejack then?” Learning about what their names meant would be an interesting outlook on their culture in some regards, I guess.

“Well, she is part of a family of ponies that grow apple trees,” Twilight said, which definitely made more sense to me. “Plus, her cutie mark is of three apples, so there’s that too.”

“Cutie mark...” I tapped the pencil against the side of my temple as I tried to remember what that meant. They only briefed me on the bare essentials of what I’d need to know about ponies before I actually met one. “That’s like a tattoo you get during puberty, right?”

“It’s much more complex than that,” Twilight started, shaking her head. “It’s a mark that magically appears on your flank when you discover your special talent.”

I took note to write this down, even though it sounded pretty ridiculous. I mean, seriously, if I discovered my special talent was sticking peanut butter up my nose, then what would my cutie mark be? The thought actually made me chuckle a bit, which perplexed Twilight greatly.

Coughing, I asked, “So, she’s called Applejack, even though this ‘cutie mark’ she has of apples didn’t appear until much later in her lifetime?”

“That’s correct.”

Before I could frustrate myself further over this, I decide to just roll with it and continue with the conversation. Apparently these ponies either had a creepy sense of foreshadowing, or cutie marks were more name based than they thought.

“Okay, well, moving on. Next up is Generosity. Care to tell me who that is?”

“Why, that’s Rarity. She’s a dressmaker,” Twilight said cheerfully. “She makes some of the most beautiful clothing in all of Equestria.”

I wanted to point out that what I’ve already been told about ponies, which was that they didn’t really wear clothes, but I withheld that. No point in disrespecting her friend’s business. Though this name I was definitely curious about. Sounded like something a stripper would use.

“So, Rarity, huh? Any particular reason she’s called that?”

“Um... she likes jewels?” Twilight guessed, shrugging her shoulders.

I scribbled this down, but that didn’t exactly help me much. “Anything else you can tell me? Anything at all would be helpful.”

“Well, her cutie mark is of three diamonds.”

Ah, yes, back to the cutie marks. Perplexing magical ass tattoos, they sure are. “So she’s called Rarity because she has ‘rare’ diamonds for her cutie mark,” I said, doodling what I think her cutie mark would look like. I had already done the same for Applejack, and was making guesses for both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. At least with Pinkie it was easy enough just to draw a pie, but Dash just left me with drawing a rainbow. “But how would her parents know that specifically would be her cutie mark?”

“They didn’t. Her cutie mark just happened to be diamonds, representing her fashion ability,” Twilight explained, still not understanding exactly what I was getting at. Also, when the hell did diamonds represent fashion? What, does she bedazzle every one of her dresses?

“Yes, I got that. What I want to know is why exactly her cutie mark happened to be related to her name so specifically,” I said, holding back the urge to dumb it down any further.

Tapping her chin for a moment, Twilight said, “Maybe it’s a coincidence.”

It took some effort on my part to hold back that impending facepalm. Licking my lips, I stared down at my notepad and said, “Yeah... coincidence. Let’s move onto Kindness, shall we?”

“That’d be Fluttershy,” Twilight said, just as I choked back the groan rising in my throat. “She’s a pegasus who takes care of animals.”

“And her cutie mark is butterflies, right?” I guessed.

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Actually, yes. How’d you know?”

“Call it a lucky guess,” I said. Were the ponies really this oblivious? This dense to how creepily similar their cutie marks are to their name? It was bad puns all around, which the cutie marks just add onto with the utter unbelievability of it all.

But I had to remember, the ponies were different. Physically we weren’t that similar, but mentally we shared equal intelligence. Or that’s about as much as the scientists back on Earth can attest to. So yeah, their culture might be a bit different. It’s my job to jot down and record as much as I could about it. So right now I should just shut up, and go ahead with my job.

“Chris, are you okay?” Twilight asked, arching an eyebrow at me. I was slouched down in my chair with my pencil tapping against my chin in what be assumed to be a glazed expression on my face.

Going back upright and straightening up my notepad with my pencil ready, I said, “Oh sure, I’m just fine. Let’s continue, shall we? I’m pretty sure I already know who the Element of Magic is,” I joked, winking at her.

Making comforting yet witty remarks is what they first taught you as a diplomat to put others at ease. And it seemed to work perfectly on Twilight, for she blushed almost instantly. “Yeah, that’s me. And together with my friends, we create harmony with the Elements.”

“How touching,” I said, though now I was just rushing her for what I really wanted to know. Glancing around the table to get a look at her... flank, I asked, “So, is your cutie mark sparkles or something else?”

“Um... no, it’s just stars,” Twilight said, which made enough sense for me. A large pink six-sided star with five smaller white stars surrounding it in a sort of starburst. Finally, a pony with a cutie mark that wasn’t their name. That was like a godsend at this point with what I’ve had to deal with.

“Okay, so if your cutie mark is of stars representing your...” I snapped my fingers repeatedly. Apparently ponies weren’t used to this gesture–the entire ‘no hands’ thing coming back to mind–for she just waited for me to finish my sentence.

After a few seconds of silence, Twilight finally got what I was trying to convey, and quickly blurted out, “Magic.”

“So if your cutie mark represents your talent in magic, which apparently shows stars for that, why are you called Twilight Sparkle then?”

“Because when I was born, my mother said my eyes sparkled,” she said, smiling kindly at that warm memory.

While touching, that only gave me half the answer. “And the Twilight part?”

“Oh, um... I’m not sure,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “My mother never explained it to me.”

Wait a second... I think I’m onto something! Glancing up from my notepad back to her, I asked, “Aren’t the name of the two co-rulers of Equestria Princess Celestia and Luna?”

“Uh, yeah. Why?” Twilight asked, curious as to my sudden interest in the princesses.

“Celestia is obviously an allegory to a celestial body, meaning the sun, which obviously means the day. Luna means the moon in Latin, and the moon represents the night. And you’re the newest princess to complete the trio, correct?”

Twilight just blinked. “Um... yes? What exactly are you getting at?”

I threw my hands up in the air in disbelief. “The day and night are Celestia and Luna, as we already know. While you’re Twilight, the time between when the day changes into night. Which makes you the middle power between them. Which all ties back together on you being the third princess in what obviously amounts to a day and night cycle of some sort.”

“So...” Twilight scratched her head, a puzzled expression overtaking her face. “It’s something about changes in the day?”

“That’s what it all symbolizes as! You three, together!” I said excitedly, finally at my breakthrough. “Don’t you find it odd that the one pers–sorry, pony, that becomes the newest princess is called ‘Twilight’ of all names? And her cutie mark is a star, while I’m pretty sure Celestia’s is of a sun and Luna’s is of a moon, right? That fits into the theme of night and day, since you first begin to see stars at twilight.”

“Well, you got their cutie marks right, but I’m still not sure what you’re trying to tell me,” Twilight said. “I don’t find it odd because I don’t see any oddity to make out.”

“But, I... uh... seriously?” I said, grasping at straws. “Twilight, names, the sun and moon... puns...”

“Chris, are you okay? You seem stressed out,” Twilight asked, disregarding everything I’ve been trying to say like I’m some crazy conspiracy theorist that hands out pamphlets about Elvis being a vampire off of the side of the road.

Sighing deeply, I leaned back in my chair and just stared at the single light fixture in the ceiling. “No, no, I’m fine. Let’s... just move on, okay.”

“Sure thing,” Twilight agreed. “What’s next on the agenda.”

Moving back to my notepad, I flipped to a new page and shrugged. “Guess we can start on where you and your friends live currently. Canterlot, I presume?”

“Nope, I just dropped by Canterlot to meet you. My friends and I all live in Ponyville.”

My hand immediately halted its scribbling at what she just said. “Ponyville...” I muttered, staring at her with wide eyes.

“Uh, yeah, Ponyville,” she answered back, staring back at me with a creeped out expression. “It’s a small town outside of Canterlot. Pretty nice place to live in.”

“Just... Ponyville?” I asked, still unable to cope with what I’m hearing. “You guys named an entire town after your own species?”

“Um... I guess so,” she said, still giving me a look one would give to a crazed hobo on the street dancing for spare change. “Is that a problem?”

“Seriously? It’s not so much of a problem as it being downright stupid!” I shouted, losing my composure yet again in such a short amount of time. “You don’t see any towns on Earth being called Humanville!”

“If you don’t like the way we name our towns, then that’s your problem,” she retorted, a frown appearing on her normally cheery face. “Maybe you’d enjoy Manehatten better?”

My face nearly fell to the desk when she said that. “Manehatten...?” I asked, jaw hanging wide. “Mane... hatten.”

“Yeah. It’s a big city on the upper East Coast of Equestria,” Twilight said.

“But... but that’s just Manhattan with a ‘mane’ and badly pronounced ‘hattan’,” I muttered, almost forgetting I really should be writing this down. Trying to catch everything I could from these puns was more difficult than I thought.

“So? I still don’t get what you’re getting so worked up over,” Twilight said, an edge of anger picking up in her voice.

“Quick, what other cities are in Equestria?” I asked, leaning on the hunch I had.

“Well, there’s Fillydelphia right near Manehatten,” Twilight began. “Is this part of the interview?”

“Ah, so a play on words with horse terms of Philadelphia,” I muttered, writing at a furious pace now. “Yeah, yeah, this is all important. Keep on hitting me up with names.”

“Uh, there’s also Baltimare and Los Pegasus,” she said, trying to remember any other big name cities. “And Applewood along with Vanhoover as well.”

Oh god, they have puns for Baltimore, Hollywood, Vancouver and Los Vegas? Though I guess it could be Los Angeles though. Still, horse puns will be horse puns.

“My God... all of your cities are names of American cities, except with horse puns,” I said, shocked beyond belief at what I was seeing here. “That is just beyond weird...”

“Maybe all your cities are named after Equestrian cities, except with human puns,” Twilight guessed, as I noticed what seemed to look like a smug expression appear on her face. “Ever thought of that?”

My pencil snapped in my hand.

“Sir, you might want to come look at this,” the private called over his shoulder to the general.

Reaching the private, the general glanced over his shoulder to stare at what he had laid out on his desk. “Are these the notes the diplomat took back at the interview with the Equestrian princess known as Twilight Sparkle?” the general asked, inspecting the numerous written sheets.

“Yes, sir,” the private responded, holding a few disorganized sheets in his hands. “The scientists are in the backroom going over the tape recorder he just sent in as well.”

“So I see. What seems to be the problem?” the general asked, squinting to get a better look at the writing on the sheets of paper.

“Well, sir, the beginning of the notes was clear and concise,” the private explained, showing him a neatly written paper with a multitude of notes written down. “But later on in the interview the writing became more erratic and... extreme.”

“Extreme how?”

“Um... well, as you can see right here,” the private said, pointing at a couple of sentences on one of the first sheets, “he mentioned how some of the names of the cities and even ponies themselves were pun-like.”

“Pun-like? What does that even mean?” the general asked, picking up the sheet to read for himself.

“Horse puns, sir. Some of the more popular ones being ‘hoof’, ‘mane’, ‘pony’ and so on,” the private replied, picking up another sheet of paper. This one had wild writing on it, as if the writer just consumed five gallons of coffee with extra espresso shots.

“The longer into the interview he got, the more puns he managed to pick up that the ponies used.”

“So, how exactly is this important?” the general asked, glancing around the room for the diplomat himself. “Someone get me Mr. Boatner right away so we can clear this up.”

“Sorry sir, but he left,” the private said.

“Left? What do you mean he left?” the general shouted, a noticeable vein appearing in his temple. “I want his butt down here this instant!”

Picking up another sheet, this with the worst writing style by far, the private said, “Well, according to this sheet, he quit. Along with writing down ‘THESE PONIES ARE ALL CRAZY!’ over and over again.”

“Damn,” the general cursed, shaking his head sadly. “That’s the third diplomat I’ve lost this month. What the hell is wrong with those ponies?”

“Apparently it’s puns, sir,” the private said, trying to organize the jumbled together sheets into a stacked pile.

“It’s always puns, private, it’s always puns,” the general sighed, turning around to walk away. “Except here they weren’t funny the first time, nor the last.”