I'll have to give myself a promotion!
"SCRATCH! GROUNDER!" called the voice of the fat, triangle headed Dr. Robotnik from his control center in his fortress. Perhaps by fortress I am referring truly to the geographically unstable two story building on the spiral mountain, which resides next to the ugliest golden statue you ever saw in the shape of the egg-man himself. The well rounded, and I mean physically well rounded inventor sat at his desk, which possessed a chair he had to handcraft to fit his extra large rump, since no furniture store on this side of Mobius had any that size! If there was such furniture on this side of it, that rotten blue speedster Sonic probably hid, destroyed, vandalized, or urinated upon every last one! How Robotnik despised that rotten little runt! Robotnik tapped his always gloved fingers upon the desk impatiently as he twirled his oversized orange moustache with his other hand. The door opened and in stepped the chicken and the robotic Diglett: Scratch and Grounder. The metal headed chicken and blue treaded machine saluted their ever graceful leader,
"Reporting for duty, sir!" They said simultaneously, their voices grating the very atmosphere, tempting to rip your ears off. The pair of fools smiled derpishly (<-- Real word, non?) at the fat son of a mustached woman and unknown father who was probably raised on Pepsi in a cold Barn filled with cow dung and sentient donkeys who couldn't go an hour without singing. Robotnik stood up and began to pace the floor. He periodically held his finger in the air as he paraded his diabetic ass around the room.
"I am getting tired of that goodie two sneakers hedgehog Sonic ruining all my plans. We need to move on, boys!" Said Robotnik as hey marched about.
"You know what, Scratch? I'm starting to think Robot-in-ick is starting to lose his bolts!" Said Grounder to Scratch with a shrug. The chicken shoved his hand-like-wing-hand thing into the small blue drill-bots mouth, but it was much too late! Robotnik had stopped in his tracks.
"What did you say?" He asked in the very voice of Smeagol himself as he, quite dramatically turned to his ~~slaves~~ assistants. He marched towards them, peering down his nose in a Barack Obama fashion as he approached the two dingbots.
"Please, your Omnipotence, have mercy!" Grounder pleaded in a voice that wasn't his own.
"SHUT. UP." Robotnik demanded as he placed a finger upon a small lever which graced an otherwise empty wall, "Scratch, come over here." He said, promptly pointing his finger at the ground next to himself.
"Yes, your Eggcellence." He said as he strutted to the boss's side.
"Grounder, I want you to tell Coconuts to get his lazy monkey PINGAS up here, and I want you to stay down in the dungeon scrubbing ALL the floors!" He said. He pulled the lever before the helpless robot could respond, thus dumping him into the pit, where it burns! Oh wait, wrong fic. Into the dungeon, where he will take the place of the orange robot monkey in mopping the dungeon. With a seemingly non existent time since the trap door had closed up, Coconuts the monkey strode through the door.
"I guess this means I'm finally getting my promotion, huh?" He said proudly.
"PRRRRRROMOTION!?!?!? WHAT FOR!?!??! I called you up here to help me, and for that remark alone I'm demoting you to scrrrrub monkey fourth class!" He said, further demoting coconuts from his scrub monkey third class status. Coconuts whined and mashed his fist against the wall, causing a small fist sized dent.
"Boys, it's time for a change of pace!" Robotnik suddenly said, thumping his obtuse way over to his desk, "We're going to move to the land of Equestria for a long unpaid vacation!" He added, rolling out a map onto his desk.
... Suddenly, a box of Suddenly Salad smashed suddenly through the ceiling and suddenly landed on top of Robotnik's suddenly empty desk were suddenly the word suddenly was apparently scratched suddenly into the suddenly now-stone finish, where Robotnik suddenly realized it used to be wood.
"Well, that was sudden!" Scratch said.
"Excuse me, your vileness? B-but don't we go unpaid anyway?" Coconuts asked, picking up the salad box and inserting it, slowly, into his massive maw, where he began to chew the box slowly, loudly, and with his mouth open. Robotnik slowly fell to slow thoughts for a slow couple of seconds as he slowly brightened up.
"Why yes, coconuts, that's true! AND IT WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!" He screamed into coconuts now spit covered face. Coconuts cowered in the corner, whimpering and nodding.
"Now where did that map suddenly go?" He said, looking under the desk. He gave an ah-ha as he plucked the once more rolled up map out from under the now stone desk and waved it around.
"Come on boys, we have work to do!" He said, stepping out the door and walking down the hallway, shaking the building as he walked.
~~~~
Once outside, the man and robots marked a large circle around the spiral mountain holding up Robotniks unrealistically shaped fortress and realistically ugly statue, which was now glimmering in the bright noon sun. The sky was blue, the birds were singing, the scent of fresh chilly dogs wafted on the air, likely to be devoured by a certain criminal rodent and his foxy friend. The circle was complete and robotnik clapped his hands. His large spaceship which had not existed before today lifted the fortress, and the mountain, from the ground, thus defying the laws of physics, and creating a gaping hole in existence right where the fortress used to reside. Robotnik further had his minions mindlessly measure the circumference of the universal rip and tape it off accordingly.
Robotnik climbed into his egg flying things with his bots and flew up to the much larger ship which stood sitting unsightly in the sky, as they landed conveniently in the control center of this ship, Robotnik took his fat place in the middle controls, scratch and grounder sitting to his right and left, little did he know, this would cause his grandson Dr. Eggman to sit in the exact same position relevant to his own bots in the events of Sonic X. He pressed a button and they zipped through the atmosphere, fortress, mountain, statue and all. Soon, they were in space, and on their way to the planet of Equestria!
The stars dotted the crystal obsidian space ahead and all around. They moved from their own solar system, a traveling at the speed of sound to the next, where they began to lower themselves to the green planet of... Mundas?
"Ah! Wrong system, backupbackupbackup!" Robotnik said, pulling the ship in reverse as fire balls and other magic shot from the planet towards them, "confound Tamriels!" He shouted at the planet as they took off to the next one, Robotnik looked at his map, which was hidden slightly under his fat self. "Here we are." He said, getting out of the chair.
"Drop her there!" Robotnik said, pointing to a rather large tree in the middle of a small village... The ship lowered down, lining the fortress with the top of the unusually large tree. On a count of three he hit the release button,
~~~~~~~~~~
A purple Unicorn and tan Earth Pony trotted towards the library in Ponyville, it was a generally peaceful day, the birds were singing...
"Isn't it beautiful?" Asked Gwonam. Looking up at the sky, listening to the peaceful afternoon sounds. Gwonam suddenly disintegrated as the two mares passed him by without a single thought. Gwonam belongs in a different story... Perhaps one of mine, perhaps not. In fact I have a CD-I based story, as well as another YouTube poop story on this site..
" "SPOREDRAGON. STOP GOOFING OFF AND START NARRATING." Screamed the angry Twilight Sparkle through the fourth wall. I immediately shut up and re-sealed the barrier, to prevent any further anger from reaching me... She continues to glare at me as I apparently forgot to prevent sound from coming through the fourth wall from my side to theirs, thus everything in this paragraph had to be put into quotation..."
... As to prevent confusion, back to the story. AppleJack and Twilight continued to walk along as I.M.Meen stared at them in a pedophile manner from the attic of SugarCube Corner. He turned around to see Ms. Cake eyeing him questioningly. Meen was never seen again.
Twilight and Applejack stepped over a recently-shot corpse being inspected by Markus Persson, Barak Obama, Justin Bieber, and Ronald McDonald. They didn't even look back at the scene since it was commonplace in Ponyville. They waved as they passed Sorin Markov and Sgt. Gary 'Roach' Sanderson discussing weather Magic or Call of Duty were better, coming to a stalemate when Ash Ketchum and his tag along Golden Chu that he caught in Hyrule during the events of Twilight Princess, and then replacing Pikachu with it, walked by. The mares quickly tagged along with each other's cutie marks for exactly 0.004756 seconds before returning to normal and noticing one thing. It had suddenly grown darker. Their visions began to become static and their hearing began to fail as horror music softly played from Octavia's violin and a magically animated pixilated pickaxe chipping away at a rock. Suddenly, out of the dark.....
"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE" Screamed Applebloom as she rose from the ground wearing a cardboard television over her head. Applejack and Twilight screamed like Ganon seeing the book of Koridi and hugged each other in a near-lesbian fashion, yet not at all, earning me, the writer, another angry glare through the wall at how she guessed I had described the situation. Applebloom ripped off the TV helmet and threw it, where it immediately transformed into a toaster, which shot Mario and Luigi out at the speed of gas excretion, whilst producing a similar noise. Suddenly Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Babs appeared at her side wearing outfits of the Templar Knights, running off into the sunset to join the Second Crusade in the name of England, shouting "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CRUSADE CRUSADERS!" As they ran.
A loud crash sounded as Robotnik dropped his fortress onto the library, and merely inches away from their ~~sexy~~ adorable little hooves, as well as landing upon Vegeta, who's scanner displayed at last second that the magnitude of the falling mountain had reached over nine thousand, thus causing Canterlot Castle to collapse, killing both princess in the process, and further crowning Elvis Presley King of the land at the same time, with Discord as his royal servent.
"What in the name of cel-... Presley!" Twilight called. A small hatch opened upon the side of the mountain, where a canon aimed directly at the unicorn's middle. The fuse on it auto lit... Or so we think.
"DO A BARREL ROLL!" cried Applejack, seeing the laser light on her friends side. Twilight obeyed, but wasn't fast enough as a chewed up box of Suddenly Salad smashed her to the ground. A canon sounded in the distance, and Twilight's face appeared in the sky.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Called Peppy Hare, Slippy Toad, and Falco at the same time from the roof of the Starship Enterprise before it flew through a Stargate into the land of Japan.
Meanwhile, up in the spaceship, Robotnik pressed a button on the loudspeaker.
"Hello Equestrians, you are all going to have a big party!" He called.
"Party?" Pinkie pie called, suddenly attempting to climb the mountain.
"IT'S A TRAP!" Called Admiral Ackbar, using Link's grappling hook to pull down the pony. The mountain began to rumble as missiles shot from the mountain and into the atmosphere.
....was it over?
....had Robotnik won?
Robotnik sat up in his command center issuing the Joker's laugh. He knew this land was doomed to a fate he alone had decided.
"Invaders on deck!" Screeched Scratch, pointing at a monitor. Robotnik and his two bots turned towards the door. A dent formed, and then another... And another.. The door was blasted open by an explosion as Vincenzo Santorini, M. Bison, The Dark Lord Sauron, a Fire Sumo, Gannondorf (The ocarina of time one, not the CD-I one), Darth Vader riding on Derpy Hooves who had Charizard wings, and finally, Gintoki Sakata burst through the door. Robotniks face molded slowly into the Troll Face Meme. He flipped a switch, which dropped all of them except the Fire Sumo, Vader, and his mount, into the pit, where they burned. He smiled devilishly as he held up the Chainsaw Gun from Gears of War. Suddenly, running through the door came Sarge and his Heros, as well as Kratos from God of War, and Dumbledore's ghost. Robotnik frowned. Darth Vader charged forward as Sarge and his men opened fire, and Dumbledore cast a spell to protect them from harm. The Fire Sumo stomped his feet, shaking the building as Darth Vader leapt off of Derpy, and landed on Robotnik. They then cut each others arms off at the same time as Derpy flew past Coconuts clumsy grasp and into the rocket control switch. The missiles slashed out and, instead of destroying Equestria, destroyed Zebraca instead, sending an Ice Age hurdling towards Ponyville.
"Yes! i won i won i won!" Robotnik taunted in victory as he watched the ice age approaching.
"I'll have to give myself a prrrrromotion!"
Kratos angrily stabbed Robotnik. in the heart.
Robotnik began to cry as he melted into water shouting, "you've killed me..."
"Good."
I turn towards the camera and smile my normal smile. I wave at the camera and yawn. I stretch my back and take a swig out of a jug of Mountain Dew and devour a helpless Twinkie.
"You see, Fimfiction, this is why I shouldn't write comedy.. Or anything after midnight, thank you. Goodbye, one closet brony out!" I say, still narrating myself as Twilight Sparkle helps me up, and we leave, hoof-in-hand.
Author's Note
My first attempt at making a comedy short story... Or rather.. My first attempt at making anything funny.
I hope you enjoyed it, feedback is appreciated!
