Did Unhinged Pony Just Save Equestria?
By
De Writer
(Glen Ten-Eyck)
© 2013 by Glen Ten-Eyck
2410 words
Writing begun 06/20/13
All rights reserved. This document may not be copied or distributed on or to any medium or placed in any mass storage system except by the express written consent of the author or as provided by the terms and policies of fimfiction.net.
The Character of Unhinged Pony is used with permission.
Cover art by Unhinged Pony
The elderly blue unicorn sat calmly in the shade of a tree not far from the Asylum. He was tapping a hoof gently against a gnarly root. He took a small clear pale green round object from his shoulder purse and looked into it one more time and then put it away.
In a few more moments, a small shovel burst up through the sod, nearly at his hooves. The elderly unicorn's pale blue magic reached out and took the sods and cleared them from the hole. The same magic helped to lift the somewhat dirty, green maned, purple furred earth pony from the escape tunnel.
He said cheerfully, “Come, Unhinged. We really need to be away from here.” Without waiting, to see if Unhinged was following, he trotted off. The very puzzled Unhinged pony followed the unicorn.
His eyes were glued to the cutie mark on the blue unicorn's flank. He said, “Is that cutie mark some kind of trick?”
Looking back in utter calmness, the blue unicorn asked, “What do you mean, exactly? How is a cutie mark a trick?”
Unhinged grinned and replied, as he narrowly avoided tripping on a root, “The mark itself isn't a trick. Some ponies claim that one can be hidden by an illusion of some kind. Is that one an illusion?”
“No, Unhinged, it is not.”
“I have heard of that mark. The pony that has it is over three thousand years old. Some say that he is older than Equestria.”
“That is true, Unhinged. I am. Is that a problem?”
“How can any pony possibly live so long?”
The old unicorn turned and sat on the softest spot of grass without thought. It was the unconscious skill of ages at work. He held out a hoof so that it was in the sun.
He replied, “I live in the present, Unhinged. The True Present. Not what you think of as the present. Do you see the shadow of my hoof there in the grass?”
Frowning some, as he tried to follow what the old fellow was saying, Unhinged said uncertainly, “Yes, I see it.”
“Good. Now, pound the shadow. Trample it well.”
Unhinged promptly offered, “That won't change anything, will it?”
De Writer smiled and replied, “Only the ground that you trample. That is how it is with me.
“I am the real hoof. What you and every other creature sees and responds to is only a shadow of the hoof. Whatever is done to the shadow is harmless to the real me.”
Unhinged surprised De Writer when he replied, “So that is how you put the new pages in the Chronicle of Equestria without being seen!” Unhinged lifted his head proudly as he said, “You are in the Present Instant of Time! The Present is everywhere at once! You can be here and there in the Canterlot Royal Archive both! They both share the Instant of the Present!”
De Writer grinned and lifted a hoof to boop Unhinged on the nose. “In three thousand years, only one Unhinged pony has ever figured that out!”
He got up and helped Unhinged to his hooves. “Now, my dear nutty friend, let us go. I am hungry and I am willing to wager that you would like something better than simple grass.”
Unhinged, trotted after the strange blue unicorn, who was only getting stranger, the more that Unhinged knew of him. He had to ask, “Where are we going?”
Looking back, De Writer said, “To Caramel Treat's Sweets shop. I happen to know that they just got in some Trottingham Clotted Cream Ice Cream, made by the famous Milk Maid of Trottingham herself.
“I sort of thought that you might like an Alfalfa burger with caramelized onions and cross-cut fries to go with your double Clotted Cream milkshake. With your favorite flavoring.”
Unhinged's mouth began to water like a small river as he thought of the joy of such fine food and so many caramelized onions. He loved caramelized onions on ANYTHING, including more caramelized onions. He knew that many regarded his taste for them to be proof, if any more were needed, that Unhinged was unhinged.
They were now entering the outskirts of Ponyville, on the Everfree forest side of town. Over there, on the left, was the hill that was topped by the now famous Hall of the Duchess of Red Hoof. Unhinged had heard that the doors of the Great Hall were open to any honest pony in need of a meal or other help.
They passed on and came to the streets of Ponyville, proper.
Unhinged's strange guide led him to a pleasant small shop with tables spaced about on a comfortable sitting lawn out in front. Going past the tables, De Writer sauntered into the shop, Unhinged on his heels.
Everything in the shop smelled so good! While Unhinged was sorting out the wonderful scents, De Writer arrived at the service counter. The cheerful pony behind the counter greeted him, “Marchhare, I am glad to see you so soon! What brings back the donkey with the sweet tooth? Is it the Boss's candies or me?” She batted her long silky eyelashes at De Writer.
Unhinged felt that there was something totally off kilter here, and he was supposed to be the nutty one! How could this mare possibly think that a blue unicorn was . . . Oh, RIGHT. 3000 years of not being found by both princesses. Magic disguise of of some sort.
Unhinged decided that not saying anything was probably the best way to get those goodies for lunch and held his peace.
The old unicorn gently booped the nose of the counter mare and retorted, “Peanut Brittle, you make an excellent excuse to come here and buy. Speaking of buying, I have brought my friend here. He has never been to the shop before and I have promised him a big order of Cross-Cut potato fries, an Alfalfa Burger with caramelized onions and a double sized milkshake of Trottingham Clotted Cream Ice Cream.
“He wants caramelzed Bermuda Red onions diced up fine, in the shake.” Seeing the skeptical look on Peanut Brittle's face, De Writer added, “What can I say? He loves those caramelized Bermuda onions.”
“I will have to go into the back and explain this one to Caramel Treat. At least, since you have been asking for them, we do have plenty of those red onions. See you in a minute, Marchhare.”
In only a few moments, both Caramel Treat, herself and a smallish but obviously growing colt came out. Peanut Brittle took her place behind the counter again.
De Writer/Marchhare smiled and observed, “Fangrin! I see that Caramel is taking good care of you! You have grown a lot since last I saw you. Now, Caramel, before you ask, Peanut did get the order right. My friend here, has a real sweet tooth for those Bremudas. Worse than mine, even.”
Caramel Treat gave a sideways smile and said, “Impossible. I have been thinking though, would he like the sautéed onions mixed right into the Alfalfa patty?
“It almost seem a crime to put them into the shake but if that is what . . .” Her voice trailed off as she saw the drool at Unhinged's mouth.
Fangrin saw it too. He grinned and gave a quick salute, “One order of onions with a side of shake, burger and fries, coming up! I'll fry up enough for seconds!”
From the back came the purposeful clatter of kitchen ware.
De Writer/Marchhare settled the charges and offered a healthy tip as well.
He led Unhinged out to a table by the street. They were barely settled when Peanut Brittle came out and joined them. Before Unhinged could say anything, De Writer/Marchhare said in a courtly way, “Delighted by your lovely presence, as always, Peanut. Add a Clotted Cream shake to my order for yourself, too. Any flavor you please.”
She reached across the table and laid a hoof gently on his and said, “Thank you so much, Marchhare. I really enjoyed our date last week. Is your friend going to stay long?”
Again, before Unhinged could say anything, De Writer/Marchhare replied, “No, he needs to go back to his home soon. That is one reason for bringing him here.
“I did enjoy the theater with you, too, Peanut. There is a new play opening soon. Perhaps we could go to see it.”
Unhinged watched the small, slightly romantic byplay with amazement. When Peanut Brittle left to take care of orders, he had to ask, “Aren't you, um, a little, well, old to be making eyes at attractive young mares?”
De Writer looked calmly at Unhinged and replied, “No, my friend, I am not. If three thousand years or more has taught me anything, it is that there is little in the whole world worth more than love.
“It is true that were she and I to marry, I would outlive her and the pain and sorrow at her passing would be great. It is also true that the rewards of that love would be far greater than the pain.
“Still, such things should never be done lightly nor should love given ever be cast aside. That is not wise. Only rarely can love cast away be found again. The trust cannot be as easily regained as it was set aside.”
Unhinged was about to comment, when Peanut Brittle returned with their orders of shakes, fries and Alfalfa burgers. She set them out carefully, explaining, “The onioned fries actually didn't smell bad at all, but that shake . . .” She shuddered delicately as she went on, “That was a horrible thing to do to Trottingham Clotted Cream Ice Cream.” The shake cups were printed prominently with the Trottingham logo.
De Writer/Marchhare, was looking about with a studied casualness. He muttered under his breath, “Ah, here he comes, right on time!” as he sighted a burly gray stallion approaching.
Rudely shoving Unhinged off his seat, the gray snatched little purple pony's shake and meal, sneering, “Tough luck, bud! This snack is mine now! Thanks, Squirt!”
Peanut was about to try pursuing the big gray but De Writer/Marchhare put out a hoof and restrained her. Quietly, he said, “Let Colonel Blackhart go, Peanut. Just go and have another order made up for our friend, here.”
Peanut gave the old donkey a puzzled stare. “Why are you letting that stallion, a Colonel, did you call him? Get away with that? Somepony should stop him!”
De Writer/Marchhare was helping Unhinged back to his seat. Looking across the table at Peanut Brittle he replied, “I am very well aware of the Colonel and I also know just how dangerous he is.
“He was cast from Celestia's Guards for stealing treats sent from home to other guards. Before that, he was a bully who stole lunch money and sack lunches from other ponies on the playground at school.
“He now hates Celestia for his dishonorable discharge from the Guard. He has never seen such things as what he just did as wrong.”
Indignantly, Peanut exclaimed, “He needs to be punished!”
She was just starting to push past Marchhare, when he actually leaned into her shoulder. “No, Peanut. That Stallion is now a mercenary and a killer. Let me be clear. Some actions punish themselves. This is one. Trust me.”
Across the way, in a park, the Colonel gobbled down the burger and sucked the shake dry so loudly that they could hear it faintly in the distance. Two other ponies approached him.
As they sat near the Colonel, he began to wheeze so loudly that it could be heard plainly from across the way.
Marchhare/De Writer said gently, ”Go, Peanut. Get us the replacement order. My friend here would still like to have his luncheon.”
She looked at her friend, that she had been dating with puzzlement and went to get the order replaced. Across in the park, the big gray stallion was down on his side, kicking feebly. His companions were nowhere to be seen.
Unhinged looked at the scene across in the park, seeing passers by galloping away for the Constables.
Peanut Brittle returned with Unhinged's new meal and he promptly put aside all thought except for the luxury of the thick, creamy, delightfully onion flavored milkshake. Disturbed, Peanut asked, “Why didn't that bother you, Marchhare? It didn't seem to bother Caramel or Fangrin, either. I thought that I knew you, but you acted like you expected . . .”
Her gaze turned down the street where the ponies of the ambulance crew were charging down the street at a full gallop, emergency bells clanging. Peanut turned her gaze to where Unhinged was sitting, closest to the street. Then she looked across to the park, where the ambulance crew was pulling a sheet over the still body of the Colonel.
“Some actions punish themselves. This is one,” she mused. Suddenly accusing, Peanut declared, “Marchhare! You did know. You planned this. Why did you murder him?”
Very calmly, De Writer/Marchhare replied. “No, Peanut. I did not murder him. I did set things up so that he would kill himself. I did it because I love Equestria and our twin rulers.
“I told you that he hated Celestia. Those ponies that he nearly met were members of the Anti Pegasus Cult. You have heard of those terrorists, I believe?”
Very upset, Peanut replied, “Everypony has. They want to destroy the Princesses and bring down Equestria. How can they be here in Ponyville?”
Marchhare/De Writer said, “They chose an out of the way place to meet and get the information that they needed to kill our Princesses. Due to the small minded meanness and greed of the Colonel, he was no longer able to tell them how to kill the Princesses.”
Biting her trembling lip, Peanut Brittle asked, “But what if the Colonel had not stolen your friend's lunch? You would have poisoned him!”
De Writer/Marchhare, smiled and said, “No, Peanut. I used no poison or magic of any kind. The Colonel was fatally allergic to onions. Any onions. Red ones, when caramelized, lose their warning sharpness of taste. That is all. My friend was always safe. My friends are always as safe as I can manage it.”
Peanut Brittle watched with tears as the still form of Equestria's deadliest foe was loaded into the ambulance. A victim of his own greed.
THE END
Author's Note
This story is a bit further down the time-line from Caramel Treat's Friend. Fangrin is now a growing "pony" (Werepony, actually) and helping Caramel in the kitchen. We learn a bit more about De Writer, too. Unhinged demonstrates that crazy (he is) is not the same as stupid.
