I loved her, if I can be brave enough to say that. At the very least, I liked her. I was crushing on her. I may have lusted after her once or twice. And I blew it. I told her it wouldn't work before anything had actually happened. She hadn't insulted me, truthfully. She hadn't lied to me. She hadn't cheated on me. She hadn't kept a big, deep dark secret from me. She respected my boundaries. She didn't talk about me behind my back. But for the love of Celestia, things went too fast for me, for my first relationship. I never expected it to happen like this.
~*~
She was enough to me to make my knees weak. She was brave and strong, but had enough head on her shoulders to be fearful of the right things. She didn't know what she was doing, in the long run. I tried to help her, at least learn how to flirt and how to talk to other mares or stallions. She was too proud to listen, and it... I don't know what I did. I don't know how I screwed it up, but I did. I was her first relationship, as she confided in me once, late at night when we were giggling and talking like frou-frou fillies. She said she needed space, that she didn't like touching. But how much space can I give that mare? Or should I say "given that mare"?
~*~
Was I wrong to tell her it wouldn't work? Was it my error? I miss her. For the love of Cadance, I miss that mare like nopony can understand. I... I should have changed myself. Hugged her, taken the initia— the initi— the start and been more willing. I have boundaries, sure, but I should have let them go. That was my job as a marefriend. To compromise. To adapt. Damn it. All my mistakes, they all... all my bragging. I'm not the coolest, I'm not even cool. I'm a jerk, a terrible pony. I don't even know why I did it. I don't deserve her, but I just wanted things to slow down. Why was that too much to ask for? Why would I make that mistake with my first relationship? I want her back, but I want her to understand. I could talk to her again, but I... no. I need to move on.
~*~
She doesn't even talk to me. We're with each other too much for this. Why can't she come back? Why won't she just say hi to me? Why won't she look at me? I know we're broken up, but I'm not judging her. I don't follow her to be mean to her. I'm not mean to her at all. Buck my life. Was it my fault? I think it could have been. I told her she was beautiful, that she was perfect, and she didn't even believe me. Luna, I meant every word of it and she can't even... she can't even acknowledge that I think I'm past her? She can't even reply to me when I ask her for a pencil, or to help buck apples? She can't even give me that credit? She can't even care that much? I told her I'd never stop liking her, but was it a lie? Was it really? Rarity's looking awful fine these days...
~*~
I know why it happened. I can talk to her now, I think. The idea of hugging, of holding hooves, of hanging out and talking to her face-to-face was just too much. I actually talked to her a little bit, via fire-mail. If only she could understand how much I miss her. If she could see that I know it was a dumbass mistake, and that I'd do anything to fix what happened. The idea of life as the "two who went out and were still friends" won't work. I'm too cool for that. I need her back, at least as a friend. Can't we still be friends, Applejack? Can't you at least look me in the eyes and see what happened? Let me understand why I have to live like this when I can't even... can't even face you. I'm not brave enough to tell you any of this, I just want to move on. I can't, dammit. So let me see you as a friend, let me pretend I never made that mistake. The mistake of breaking both our hearts with one errant message because I was stressed, confused, uncertain, inexperienced. Let me fix this, buck it.
~*~
Rarity was too fine. So fine, I made her mine. Was it right? She started talking to me again. She seems like she regrets it, but I can't know. I can't find out what she's thinking, or decipher her thoughts. Dash, buck you for making me like this. I need you, but I also have moved on. Why am I so confused? Rarity is who I'm with now. She talks with me, isn't rude, doesn't lie. Were you doing all that on purpose? Is that what happened? Is there anything left for us to fix? Do we really care for each other any more? I think of you too much, and I know you do too. I know we both made mistakes, I pushed you and was wrong. You didn't try to change. And now we're both in places we don't want to be, save the fact that I'm in a relationship and you're not. I've tried to fix things, a little bit. You made no effort in the relationship, and now you're grabbing at straws to bring this back. I can't do this any more, Dash. I can't make this work after you did that to me. Let me be in peace, let me try to move on past the mistakes we both made. Let me have this. I need to move on, so just let me.
Author's Note
I didn't mean it, K. I... I thought we could work, I though we could be together before we were even friends, and it didn't work, and I regret it, and I think I still like you, but you aren't the real you. You think it's cool to backtalk and get in trouble, and I can tell that isn't you. Just... just come back and let me apologize.
Oh, and this isn't over. I can't finish this until I finish things with him.
