A Human Discusses Religion with Celestia

by Jomama

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3855

An agnostic human with bitter feelings involving religion has to convince the goddess of the sun that it's safe to send him home.

I'm an Agnostic. Hiding this fact about myself from my catholic family for the majority of my life has tended to make me bitter, and almost spiteful when the topic of religion comes up.

However, after a random star wishing accident, I'm about to meet Princess Celestia. The supposed sun goddess of Equestria, the magical land of talking ponies. Twilight seems confident that they'll be able to recreated the portal to send me home. However, I can't help but feel bitterness rising in me as I'm riding a train toward Canterlot. I really hope I don't say something that will ruin my chances of getting home.

Published 2013-07-21 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-07 02:20:27 UTC

Like a Diamond in the Sky

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor

Two brothers were stargazing in a boat idly floating in the middle of a small lake somewhere in New England. There used to be more people doing the same thing, but that all changed after new laws made it more difficult to rent boats in small lakes. Not that it bothered them them, it just meant more lake for themselves. They almost felt like they owned it sometimes. The only thing they heard besides themselves were the rare, but welcome howl from loons. The two were enjoying the starry sky that can’t be seen near big towns. Along with them were a cooler of beer, and a full pack of cigarettes to share between them. The night was perfect with not a cloud in sight, and they could even see some of the Milky Way.

“Saw one!”

“You son of a! Where!”

“Over there.”

“Damn I gotta pick a better seat. I can’t see that section from here. How many shooting stars have you spotted again?”

“6”

“Crap I’ve only seen 3”

“Well I am the shooting star spotting master.”

“Bite me Luke. Our new nephew is gonna like me more anyway. The title of ‘Best Uncle’ will be mine!”

“Well no duh Matt, that pain known as our oldest brother lives closer to you anyway. I’ll have to send a lot of presents to make up for the distance. Actually since it’s you we’re talking about, he’ll probably sell the gifts to buy a plane tickets to get away from you.”

“Oh haha I forgot how to STAR!!”

“Where?!”

“Near the moon. It’s 4 to 6, Luke. I hope you’re enjoying that flame under your ass.”

“I’m expecting a kid bro, adding another match isn’t going to feel like much compared to expecting a child.”

“Common, between you, Catherine, and most importantly me, your kid will be fine.”

“…Speaking of you, I want to ask a favor.”

“Shoot”

“Would you be my child’s Godfather?”

A shooting star crosses the sky, but neither of them sees it because they are both staring intently at each other.

“I’m flattered that you would ask me, but I’m not the most qualified godfather out there being an agnostic, and all.”

“I’m kinda hoping being a godfather will help you grow out of it.”

“… Jesus Christ Luke, I’m 25 years old, it’s like you think this is a decision I made on a whim!”

“Matt I know being religious is going out of style-“

“It has nothing to do what other people think! I didn’t abandon the faith I was indoctrinated to believe because life was unfair or because I thought a god wouldn’t allow these horrible things to happen. When your child asks me about God, I’m not going to lie to him about my lack of faith in a poorly translated book.”

“…I’m starting to understand dad’s disapproval.”

‘Disapproval’ was putting it mildly, but before Matt could respond, an unfamiliar light distracted both brothers, causing them to look up only to see a magenta colored star nearly double the size of the moon. It was surrounded by several smaller white stars that still had to no right to be so big. Luke scrambles to grab his phone to take a picture while the sheer beauty of the display in front of them leaves Matt in awe.

“I wish I could see whatever could create something some beautiful,” Matt mutters to himself.

Luke manages to snap a shot just as the set of stars fade away. “If that’s not an act of god, I don’t know what it is Matt.”

Luke turns to face Matt only to find himself alone on the boat.

“Matt?”

Author's Note

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Revelations and Whistles

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay

“What do you mean what’s a religion?”

“I really have never heard of the word religion Matt! It must be an earth thing.”

“That is bull-“

“What is it with you and the negative derogatory with bulls… excrement? Sure they can be a little mean sometimes, but-“

“As I was saying Twlight, there’s no way Equestria didn’t at least have a religion in the past. Every subculture on Earth has place faith in superstition at one time or another. Their had to be a time when ponies did the same thing.”

“Well maybe this is just another translation error between our cultures. Like everybody, and everypony, only more significant. Could you explain it for me?”

“Gladly, you see-“

“Oh wait! Let me get something to write this down with!”

“…You know for someone likes to lecture so much, you sure do interrupt when it’s someone’s else’s turn.”

Twilight begins to respond with a meek expression, but I can’t hear the words she’s saying. It must have been while I was trying to make heads or tails of the situation, because next thing I know I’m in an ocean of darkness. An odd sense of calm fills me as I get a feeling similar to going down an elevator….

I awoke to some very nostalgic music

I open my eyes to take in taking in my surroundings and immediately recognize that I was standing in the camber of sages from one of my favorite video games, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Water is endlessly flowing from the nearby columns, and the surrounding walls of blue light seem to hint of something much more beyond them. Even the 6 seals of the sages surrounded me. The only difference is that instead of the Triforce being in the center, my feet rested upon a yin-yang, the symbol of Taoism.

“How did I get here?”

“Though are still asleep on the train that is on its way to Canterlot,” replied a Victorian sounding voice, “This place is merely a construct of your mind. It made something familiar to you that you’d feel comfortable in so that we could talk.”

I spun around to find a blue equine figure with wavy star filled hair, standing on the seal of darkness.

“I was under the impression that humans lacked any magical talent or access to places such as this. Is it a magical shrine of mediation for you humans? Twlight’s letters mentioned that you come from a world without any magic. If this is true than how did you dream up such a plain?”

I felt like I should be freaking out, or at least freaking out over the lack of freaking out, “This is a scene from one of my favorite video games, an advanced form of interactive storytelling, and entertainment that-“

“I’ve heard of these video games from our dear friend Twilight! You must tell me more about it! I’ve always had a vested interest in finding new ways to tell stories. Graphic novels were considered for children until I funded innovative ponies to advance the art. If video games can create such amazing imagery then-“

“AS I WAS SAYING!” I projected with vocal chords acquired from several lead performances in school plays. Calm or not, I wanted some answers, “Where am I and who are you?”

The dark blue alicorn was taken back from my blunt topic change. She clearly wasn’t used to being talked back to. I would have found this irritating if I wasn’t in a zen like calmness.

"My apologies, I am Princess Luna of the night. As I said before, we are merely in your mind, your dreams specifically. This is the first time I have been able to enter your slumbering mind. Now that I’ve figured out the workings of your mind, I should be to visit you with greater ease."

Now normally, such a breach in privacy would have brought out quite a number of emotions, followed by some tastefully chosen words. However, this calm tranquil mindset I was experiencing was deeply rooted. I felt warm…. secure…. and I had no desire to leave it. Kind of like how you don’t want to leave the your warm bed on a cold morning.

“Why didn’t you visit sooner.”

"Your mind is like a labyrinth where you walk down instead of right. Normally entering the dreams of my subjects is a simple as stepping into a body of water. However, yours is so foreign. I could only enter your dreams now be because you are closer to Canterlot."

That’s right! I’m in a train on its my way to Canterlot. Twilight finally convinced me to visit Canterlot after our discussion on religion. I didn’t think I was comfortable with the idea of meeting a demi-god yet, but she used my pride to her advantage. She figured if anyone could clear up our argument over religion it would be a seemingly immortal princess. Clever girl.

"Why have you been so eager to enter my dreams? Couldn’t you just talk to me face to face in Canterlot?"

…….

Luna’s Body was completely still, like the image of a character when you pause a video. And yet, I couldn’t help, but get the feeling she was still moving. Almost like she was just jogging in place faster than my eyes could see.

"I’m sorry, but I’ll have to cut this warning short. Your train is ahead of schedule and will be docking soon. Twilight will no doubt wake you at that time."

"Warn me what?"

"That my sister Celestia has yet to decide whether or not it is wise to send you home."

I felt my calm quickly being replace with rage as the pedestal we stood on began to shake. She may be some sort of goddess, but she’s on my home turf.

"You anger is quite understandable. However, sending you home is not yet been made possible. So this is a decision that has yet to me made. We are researching the after effects of what brought you here and I am absolutely certain that we will eventually be able to send you home one day. Unfortunately, this is a brand new field of magic, and there are a lot of fine details that need to be work out. It is very difficult to estimate the specific time we will figure out how to send you home."

Okay so kicking in the teeth of the closest living thing to a demi-goddess wouldn’t get me home yet regardless…impossibility of achieving that scenario aside.

"So why does she get to make the judgment call on my fate? I thought you were the co-ruler? Not to mention Twilight or this alicorn of love if heard about?"

"Twilight is still new to the role of a Princess. She will continue to play an important role should things work in your favor. Smart as she may be, she still lacks the proper experience that comes from living over a thousand years to comprehend the magnitude of your species potential. As for me, I agree with my Sister’s claim that I am too emotionally invested in your outcome, and that it would corrupt my ability to make a decision for the good of my little ponies."

Surfing on the internet since as early as I can remember has made an impact on my life that the rest of my family can never fully understand. I imaging that I’ll get along with my nieces and nephews better than my own brothers, and hold the title of the ‘sage uncle’. However, surfing websites like four-chan, along with reading fan-fics tend to make someone with a dirty mind like myself see a sexual innuendos and scenarios in almost anything, and the thought of being flirted with by an alien demi-goddess [however brief] is enough to make anyone blush. Being a little lonely doesn’t help either.

Luna seemed to notice my slight blush, and soon was wearying one herself.

Well this is awkward….

With a level of convenience that rivals Saved By the Bell, a booming noise echoed across the digital plane that was my dream. It almost sounded like a whistle hooked up to a bass system.

Darkness flowed in around me with the speed of a tsunami as I began to feel like I was falling. Luna was drifting away against her will, trying to yell out to me, but the thunderous whistle drowned whatever she said. The last thing I remembered was that her cheeks where still red.

Author's Note

So here's my second fan-fiction. I've been planning out basic topics for Matt and Celestia to discuss, and an outline for the story for quite some time. Unfortunately I'm not an active writer so it will take some time for the next chapter to com out. If the initial response to this is good though I promise to put more of my free time into this.

Did you like this? Then hit the like button!! My body requires nourishment in the form of green thumbs.

Daymare

“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”
― Charles Bukowski

******

I felt strange…

That was the most lucid dream I’ve ever had in my life. However, I don’t think I could have imagined this Luna character on my own. Sure I’ve heard of her before, and I’ve seen crude pictures of her, but I’ve never actually seen her. Her figure was way to clear in my dream. The few dreams I remember are always a little fuzzy, and yet she could still be seen in my mind as if someone shoved a picture of her in my head through my ear. The way she blushed at the end was really cute…

SCREEEEEEEEEEEETCH!!!!

Trains in equestria must be missing something that trains back home do cause the parking job was abrubt! I literally slide off my bench and slammed my head onto the one in front of me. Nothing like mild head trauma avoid awkward thoughts!!!

Twilight sees this, and starts using her magic to heal me while blubbering out something in regards to me looking my best for Celestia. Before I can tell her not to worry about the bump on my head it’s already gone. My hand rubbed my head, as all I could feel was a slight ticklish feeling. Twilight was already waiting for me at the exit after I finished examining my head, saying something about sticking to the schedule.

All eyes were on us as we walked and/or trotted towards the castle. It’s not everyday that a princess and an alien walk by you. Their eyes were like giant dinner plates. I wasn't too distracted by this since my anxiety was slowly rising with each step closer towards the castle.

Twilight was going on and on about how nice, and understanding Celestia is, and that I had nothing to be afraid of. This would have normally calmed me, but her higher than usual attention to detail in regards to this trip made me feel otherwise. I could read her body language well enough to tell that she was feeling anxious, and it was rubbing off on me. It was almost like her sub-conscious and/or body language was telling me, “you have to make a good first impression or else”. Or else what? Was my lucid dream not really a dream or was I going insane with stress over nothing, but the product of my over active mind? Maybe I should tell Twilight about the strange dream.

Twlight, seemed to notice the pensive look on my face, and broke the silence first, “What’s wrong Matt? You seem distracted.”

“I had a strange dream…”

“Oh what about?”

I was about to start telling her about Luna when a thought crossed my mind. Did Luna dream talk to me because she didn’t want Twilight or her sister to know she was trying to warn me? I could tell Twlight was looked up to Celestia, and it would be safe to assume she’d tell Celestia. My gut told me that even a “Pinkie Promise” wasn’t a guarantee she'd keep silent. Either way I decided it wasn’t worth risking my secret source of information, at least not until I could figure out if my dream’s warning was valid. Or if I was going insane...or at least more than usual.

“About Pinkie Pie actually. She was just… bouncing around in my field of vision. I think we were at a carnival.”

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that. That’s just Pinkie being Pinkie.”

“Wait, are you saying she can enter dreams?”

“It’s possible," Twilight responded as she started to rub the back of her head. "I’ve learned the hard way that’s it’s not worth the effort to question what she may or may not be able to do.”

“Is entering a dream possible with magic?” I asked, hoping taking advantage of the convenient segway.

“Princess Luna can. She helps to ease the nightmares of our citizens,” responded Twilight.

So maybe I’m not going insane. I mean I’m still questioning it since I’m in the land of magical ponies, but I’ll take my baby steps when I can get them.

“Couldn't that be considered an invasion of privacy?” I asked with more annoyance than I meant to.

“Well she never divulges what she sees with others unless it's of grave importance, and nopony really minds once she helps them with their nightmares.” Twilight’s face had a slight frown on her face when she looked up to me, “Is the idea of Pinkie looking at your dreams really that troubling? Even if she did, I know she’d never tell another soul what she saw.”

“This whole dream jumping paranoia is not what I need right now. How about you though?” Hoping to steer the conversation away from Luna. “You’ve seem tense since we got on the train. Is there something I should know about my meeting with Princess Celestia?”

“What? No! Everything’s fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine?” If her eyes were shifting any faster I’d think she was starting to go into a seizure or something. I smirked internally at how terrible she is at lying. I never teased her about it because her lousy poker face helped me learn pony facial expressions rather quickly once I read that book on body language. Not to mention it was cute as hell.

Not wanting to risk getting her suspicious that I knew something, I dropped the conversation, and soon after, we settled back to our walk in silence to the point that I started to let my mind wander off in hopes to calm down.

“Oh my gosh! This is going to be really hard to fit into my schedule!”

I snapped back to reality to look down and find two members of the royal guard in front of Twilight. They must have told her something really important to make her look so frantic.

“Matt I’m so sorry, but I can’t introduce you to Princess Celestia. Some unexpected duties regarding some zebra ambassadors just came up, and I have to go. These guard mares will escort you the rest of the way!”

Before I could even take a breath to respond she already vanished in a flash of lavender colored light.

******

The rest of the walk towards the palace was more or less uneventful. I felt like I should have been in awe over the architecture, but between getting used to all the crazy pony related stuff in my life for the last month, and trying to figure out Luna’s warning, it kinda just flew over my head. Maybe I’ll appreciate the view on my way out.

“Hey guys, do you mind if we make a quick detour to the restroom?”

One of them gave me a look that said, “You’d dare make the Princess wait?” The other guard merely shrugged, and changed course.

For those of you who are new to school or job interviews let me share a little bit of advice. Do not go into an interview thirsty. You have no idea how fast the stress of an interview will dry up your mouth till it feels like you have cotton balls in your mouth. That makes it significantly harder to talk naturally, and can make you come off as tongue-tied, and even more nervous than you really are. Which can actually make you even more nervous and you end up with a snowball effect of self-consciousness. Hit up the water fountain or bring a bottle of water with you. Just make sure you’re hydrated.

One quick piss, and the consumption of about a half a gallon of water from the faucet later, I found myself staring at my reflection. I needed a moment to ~~zone-out~~ meditate to refresh myself. My thoughts seemed to focus on Luna again. I pictured her standing in front of me, while trying to imagine what else she was trying to tell me…

“DO NOT TRY TO DECEIVE TO OUR SISTER!!!! EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT ONE OF OUR SUBJECTS, SHE HAS HAD OVER TWO MILLENNIA TO READ EMOTIONS FROM PONIES AND NUMEROUS OTHER CREATURES BODY LANGUAGE. DON’T GIVE HER A REASON TO MISTRUST YOU!!!!!”

….

…

So I know my mind well enough to know that my subconscious did not have my imagination of Luna say that.

On the bright side, I’ve now discovered two things. Princess Luna did in fact talk to me in my dreams, and can apparently communicate with me briefly through my daydreams.

The second is that the room suddenly smells like shit…

Rarity is gonna kill me for ruining the underwear she made me.

Author's Note

And that's Chapter 3. Next one will finally start living up to the title of this little fan-fiction. Unfortunately, the next one will take a while. I'm just about to schedule a date to take a certification exam, and once that happens it will take complete priority of my free time. I don't intend to let this story wither, and die like my first attempt so stay tuned.

Did you like this? Then hit the like button!! My body requires nourishment in the form of green thumbs.