Edgar Allan Ponies

by MrNumbers

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Dark
Length: 3343

A look at three of Edgar Allan Poe's greatest works, only with ponies.

I do not profess to be the great man himself, for I disdain to believe I have the required hubris to make that lauded comparison.
No, not I, but by means of those supernal I have contacted the great man, in my dreams, in my nightmares - though with our gracious host these two so often leak betwixt themselves - and it would seem that he quite approves of our ponydom – quite possibly a concession on his part to a number of his younger lovers, quite possibly.

Whatever may be the source of our benefactor’s most generous sponsorship, please, pour yourself a tumbler of punch, avid audience, as by means of seance and autowriting most infernal I seek to bring you….

[size=24]Edgar Allan Ponies[/size]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-30 15:30:02 UTC

The Craving

The Craving

Once upon a new moon’s phasing, rested Twilight, once stargazing

Staring at the heavens and stifling a snore

From her star maps, head now covering, at once she heard a rustling

As of some ghostly breeze most puzzling, awakening Twilight once more

"T'is just Rainbow," she muttered, "pranking me as she has before-

Only this and nothing more"

This thought eased her dread here, for this was the night of Nightmares,

A night pranksters eagerly awaited every year for gags and tricks galore

Nopony had guessed her costume - a simple reference one would presume

But when she told ponies they had assumed - assumed, then, she would be a bore -

For even her friends and neighbours had deemed basic history a chore-

Frustration, then, and little more.

But what unseen and uncertain rustling of those leaves then pertain

This tree - library now graced her with exasperation rarely felt before;

So that now, stifling the grumble and sour mood, she stood repeating

`This better not be Rainbow pulling pranks or whatever she has in store -

Some late prank by Rainbow, whatever she has in store; -

If it is, I'll show her what for,'

Alighting, then, her horn now blazing, disrupted from her night’s star gazing

“Girls”, she cried, “or Rainbow, knock it off now, it’s not funny anymore;

You’ve interrupted my stargazing, when you’ve made these sounds, hair-raising

That I’m scarce I’m sure I heard you, or if I’m imagining all this once more-”

An eerie breeze but nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long she stood there pondering, fearing,

Doubting, wearily aware that no pony would believe her fears were naught but flawed.

And the silence was unbroken, questions of her sanity unspoken,

And the only silence that was broken was the whisper of the wind

The wind it whispered, and the leaves bristled, leaving Twilight much chagrined

Perhaps the work of one Discord?

Back into the treehouse turning, the nausea in her stomach churning,

Soon again she heard a rustling somewhat louder than before.

“Surely,” she said, “surely this is just a joke at my expense;

Let me see then, what their game is, and this puzzling prank explore -

Let my heart be still a moment and my head guide me as before; -

T’is a prank and nothing more!”

Now she casts an ardent spell to ascertain that all is well

And with hammering heart detecting that a creature stalks the floor

Not a movement does she make, let alone a double take

Lest her change in demeanor alert her foe it has been caught

Lest it knowing it’s been caught ends in a fight which must be fought

She cast that spell and nothing more.

Then of course there was a thumping, from things in the night that go bumping

And Twilight darn near bolted across the room to flee out the door

“Though my fears are surely rational.” she whispered, “I’m a hero international-”

There is nothing I can’t handle once I find what I’m looking for!

Surely I can handle this once I know what I’m looking for.”

Now our Twilight was at war.

So she circled the center of the library and considered attempting bribery

Perhaps to strike a bargain, or draw it out into the open floor;

For she could not help but wondering if perhaps it was just some foals blundering

Attempting late night candy plundering like foals often have before-

Or perhaps it was just Pinkie plundering as she often had before,

Or just a prank, and nothing more.

But the princess in the library did not yet find that bribery was advisory

Because the outcome was still binary, was it a threat, now, yes or no?

And so Twilight thought to mutter to the darkness that was utter

without so much as a stutter “Now just where did you go?

If this is all just a big joke, well, then your face you’d better show!”

All she saw was nothing though.

Then there was a banging and a cacophony most haranguing

Which left Twilight stock still standing at the unexpected roar

Although she sensed no movement that was hardly an improvement

When she was left with only sound to which this mystery explore

A sound from in the darkness of her kitchenette explore

Darkness there and nothing more

But the curiosity beguiling the once-unicorn gave her cause for smiling

as she smelt a waft of pastries freshly baked from the noise’s source

And she breathed a sigh of relief now that she was reaffirmed in her safe belief

That it was merely Pinkie Pie playing pranks on her, of course

That it was merely Pinkie pranking her poor pony heart with innocent discourse

Something, maybe, with chocolate sauce?.

There good Twilight was relieved but wondered why she need be deceived

By her good friend antics on this night which Nightmares bore

This and more she pondered as to the kitchenette she wandered

and by lamplight struck perceiving just what Pinkie had in store

What on this, the night of Nightmares, did fair Pinkie have in store.

Cupcakes crammed into her craw?

But as unappealing as that prospect might be feeling

It sure beat the thoughts that sent her reeling if she were keeping score

and so into the kitchen did our hero then envision

perhaps she might partake a smidgen of the treats Pinkie had in store

on a night of tricks and treats and nightmares, if that’s what lay in store

Or maybe she was wrong once more

Turning then, there stood the baker, surely Pinkie Pie, not a faker

But Twilight stared at the limp mane, flat and gray and heavy with rancor

“Pinkie” she asked, “By jove, you scared me, with this prank of high intensity

Be still my beating heart and know that you are safe once more.

It’s just silly Pinkie Pie pulling pranks with cupcakes on us once more.”

Pinkie turned and Twilight swore.

“Pinkie!” she cried, “Those aren’t cupcakes!” Shouted Twilight on the uptake

“Where is Rainbow Dash and why have you emptied my knife drawer?!”

Smiling now, but it was mirthless, Twilight felt it might be ruthless

A gleaming in her eye and Twilight studied all the gore

The red smatters on her apron and the chunks upon her floor

Pinkie surveyed the empty drawer.

“Pinkie!” she cried, “Please don’t do this, tell me please, that I am remiss

In my friendship studies and that you’re still the friend I do adore

But I can’t help but to notice that your smile has grown quite grotesque

And a tuft pile of blue feathers punctuate red stains upon my floor

Piles of feathers much like Rainbow’s lie red-stained upon my floor

Tell me please I do implore!”

“Rainbow Dash helped me bake my greatest batch of treats to date”

Pinkie Pie’s cheery statement brought Twilight’s shudders to the fore

“Grab a bite with me, dear Twilight, it should cheer you up this dark night

I heard nopony got your costume this year, and it made you frown which I abhor

I hate it when my friends frown and your sadness I abhor

So have some treats and smile once more”

“It’s just a costume?” Twilight uttered as some darker things she muttered

partaking of slice of cake, red velvet at its core

“I’m sorry about the mess, see, but it was a frown face emergency

And Rainbow’s costume made her moult like crazy on your floor

She spilled a lot of batter, too, once she heard what this was for”

And those stains were lifted... nevermore.

The Tell Tale Tart

The Telltale Tart

Don’t interrupt, not until the end. I’m not crazy, everypony tells me I’m crazy, or it’s just silly Pinkie Pie, being Pinkie again, but I’m not. Well, I guess I am Pinkie Pie. I guess I’m silly, too, for what it counts but I can be super serious when I want to be. Super duper serious. I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it, I swear I can! You’ve gotta believe me, listen-

It’s really hard to say what made me do it. I’m a good Pinkie Pie, I’d never steal from the Cakes. I love the Cakes! They’re so nice to me, and they gave me a home. It’s not like they don’t pay me enough or anything, really, I’m a happy Pie. No... no what drove me to do it had to be the tart. It was the bestest tart I’d ever seen... It was so good it made ‘bestest’ seem like an actual word, not just something that would make Twilight twitchy. It had the creamiest yellow custard on top of the smoothest, sweetest cherry filling with just the right amount of tart- ha! A tart tart. How did I never think of that before now? No. Bad Pinkie. Stay on subject. It was a really, really good tart that drove me to do it.

See, this is the thing. You think I’m just being silly. Silly fillies don’t know anything- But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I thought the whole thing through-- like. princess levels of wise  -- With what seriousness I planned the whole thing! My scheme wasn’t even zany. I was never a better baker for the Cakes than the day that tart was made.

I couldn’t let it be sold, though. I... I wanted it all to myself like a selfish Pinkie Pie. So every few minutes I rotated the stock so it would be at the back again, where nopony could see it. Oh, you should have seen how cleverly and sensibly I did it; I didn’t break anything, or ruin or touch any pony else’s sweet tasty treats. Just mine, just the tart. Would a silly Pinkie Pie have done that? Risked getting caught, or ruining somepony else’s snack? I think not!

Then, at lunch time, I got hungry, oh so hungry, but I couldn’t take it yet. I couldn’t buy it, because I didn’t have the bits, but I couldn’t let it get stale either, because then everypony lost. Still, it wasn’t right, it would have been a very bad, naughty thing for me to take it and I knew it, and I couldn’t do that to the Cakes, it wasn’t their fault. Well, it sort of was for being so good at baking, but that’s not a reason for me to be... silly. Please, please, just don’t interrupt.

So, every few minutes I moved it, but it was still there, so somepony would have to know exactly what I was doing, why I was doing it, whilst I worked up the courage! The courage to- Well.

A few minutes into my afternoon break, which is unofficially called the Pinkie Break because as much as the Cake’s love me sometimes they just need a break from all my silly, I started watching the twins for a while. I was very sensible and neither of them got any hurts or boo boos they needed their Aunty Pinkie to kiss better, which is an okay time to be a little silly. Silly means smiles, after all, but it made me think. It made me think and think and think.

Every pony just thought of me as ‘silly old’ Pinkie right? So, if I were to take it sensibly nopony would ever think it was me! Brilliant! I mean, sure, ponies would keep thinking of me as just silly Pinkie... but the tart would be worth it, right? I mean, just for a while. It looked so good...

‘Just’ a silly Pinkie couldn’t hatch such a clever scheme now could they, hrrm?

I snuck into the store room, then, and find it. Sneaky sneaky Pinkie Pie, but the floorboards were creaky creaky. Mr Cake heard me; “Huwha? Who’s there?”

I kept quiet and still and said nothing, didn’t move, didn’t breathe. For a whole minute I didn’t move a muscle, and the whole time he was shaking like a leaf. I could keep hiding, but I couldn’t do that to Mr Cake... he’s a big old softy scaredy cat, but he’s so nice to me. He didn’t deserve me spooking him.

“Mr Cake, it’s alright, it’s just me, Pinkie. I was playing hide and seek with the twins and I got lost again. Oopsie!” I said. I grinned that plasticky grin and hoped he bought it, hoped he wouldn’t be so scaredy pants any more, even if it ruined my plan. Well, not ruined, since the plan was to keep him thinking of me as just silly Pinkie, but... you know.

He let out a big groan and held his heart, even I could hear it thumpa-thumping. Poor Mr Cake...

“Pinkie!” he said, “You scared me, hiding like that. C-could you be a dear and not do it again, please?” he was like, “Nearly gave me a heart attack” and everything.

“Of course, Mr Cake,” I replied, blinking innocently like the silly Pinkie that I am, “I don’t mean to get lost anyway! I’m supposed to be hiding under the bed right now! The twins must be so apoplectic!” I actually used that word too. Twilight taught it to me, she said it’s something I make her, sometimes. I like it because it’s a fun, funny word, but it makes me a little sad remembering how I learnt it...

Crazy little Pinkie...

He left with a tray of stock and I saw the tart, right there, glistening with sprinkles super-shiny sugar sparkles, catching the light just right. My stomach rumbled and I had to have it... I’d been thinking about the tart too much, had totally forgotten to have lunch. Well, I hadn’t forgotten, it’s just that it would have tasted, I don’t know, less knowing that this beauty was waiting for me.

Maybe that’s it... maybe my silliness is just brilliance bubbling below the surface! Twilight’s super smart and even she doesn’t get me! It would totally explain a lot. Thinking that made me act, act like only the hunger and genius can. Maybe it was mostly the hunger, cause stealing seems really bad in retrospect, and smart people don’t do bad things. If you’re smart then you would know better! But I didn’t, I was so hungry, and my tummy rumbled, and it was right there. It would be so easy- just take it! Take it, Pinkie Pie! Eat it and be happy! No one would believe it’s you, you’re just silly old Pinkie Pie! But I didn’t. I just stared at it, tumbly rumbly and everything. It smelled so good, it fascinated me, but I couldn’t take it, not yet, it wasn’t right yet. Then my break was up, and I was still staring at it, and I had to make a choice! Well, I couldn’t waste all this now, could I, not all morning, not this dread and worry and planning! That would be silly!

So I decided I would be very sensible.

With a muffled battle cry I took it, I pounced, devouring this tart that had captured me so! I made sure not to eat it too quickly, to savour it, because it was exactly as good as I had hoped. It wasn’t better, it couldn’t have been, but it wasn’t worse, it met my sensible, calculated, clever expectations perfectly. Sensible.

I could still smell it though, and taste it! I rushed to the bathroom, hiding my face under my frizzy poofty poof mane so the cakes couldn’t see- Icing sugar. I was covered in it. My hooves were coated in sticky cherry filling! I had been so careful, though, how did I get it all over me?!

I scrubbed and I scrubbed, I used soap and hot water, but it wouldn’t come off! I must still be silly, then, spots scrub off! That’s all they were, little spots to be scrubbed off. Out, I yelled, out, damned spot, but they wouldn’t! The icing stuck to my muzzle, the cherry filling to my hooves, making the fur all clumpy and stuck.

I could still taste the tart in my mouth. It didn’t taste so sweet anymore, it just tasted sour and bitter and sickly, like the tartest tart.

You think I’m just silly, well, you won’t think so when you hear how cleverly I got rid of the evidence. I went back, trying not to cry because then I’d have to get rid of the tears and I couldn’t wipe them because then I’d get cherry in my eyes and if I couldn’t get it off my hooves that’d be really painful - see I thought of all that because I’m super sensible - and I swept up all the crumbs, I rotated inventory until it was like it had never existed. The Cakes might have noticed later, otherwise, because they were super proud of that tart, but there were two of them and me. Maybe silly Pinkie sold it without them knowing...

Silly Pinkie Pie wouldn’t have taken it.

Then Twilight had come. You came, I mean. The Cakes got worried about how silly Pinkie Pie was being, wearing silly clothes and covering her face, thinking she’d done something silly like hurt herself. I smiled, though, because Twilight’s one of my bestest biffle buddies, and she didn’t know anything about the tart! I mean, you didn’t know anything about the tart. Sorry, force of habit at this point.

I’m just being silly I guess.

Then, then you were about to walk off. I’d totally convinced you I was fine, and you believed me. You thought nothing was wrong - or at least, more wrong with me than usual - and I was relieved for a moment. Then you wanted to stay and talk about other things and friendly friend stuff and I got more restless and twitchy. More twitchy than usual, even you noticed by now. It’s because I wasn’t okay, you just thought I was being silly and I guess I was, but you’d totally believed me when it was totally super obvious that I wasn’t.

I’ve still got the sugar on my hooves, on my face. You must have known, you must have seen, keep me talking so you can tell the Cakes what I’d done, so I start gibbering. Usually ponies walk away really quickly when I do that, when I talk super fast, and nopony understands me but you understood me, Twilight, and that’s not fair because I needed you not to. Then you started looking worried, and I thought, oh no, she’s going to punish me isn’t she, she knows, she knows and she doesn’t want to but she has to because that’s what they do to ponies who are sensible and do the wrong thing and are caught.

Sorry, let me- let me breathe a moment.

So I kept talking faster and faster until I admit the whole thing and I ate the tart okay, I ate it and I scrubbed and scrubbed and it wouldn’t come clean and everypony thinks I’m just crazy, or silly, which was the point so that now, even when I did do it, nopony believes me because I’m just silly old Pinkie Pie or crazy or stupid or... or... or...

Twilight? Twilight, you don’t have to hug me! I’m a criminal! I’m a silly, stupid, crazy bad pony who- What do you mean you don’t think I’m silly? Of course you think I’m silly, I’m Pinkie Pie, everypony-

Oh.

I... I guess if you paid for the tart for me I could pay you back later, when I have the bits. That works I guess. You’re a really sensible pony Twilight. Please don’t tell anypony else about this... And thanks, I guess - no, I know - thanks for whatever spell you just did that got the spots away! I don’t see them anymore! I didn't even see your horn glow, like, at all! That’s a super cool trick.

Thanks, Twilight.