Chapters Bureaucrats and Science Don't Mix
“Get out of here with you damn bureaucracy! This is a research facility! We can’t cut corners! If you want the damn product; you’ll get the damn product, but no amount of meddling is going to make us go any faster or cheaper!” an orange unicorn screamed at two, grey, suited earth ponies. The unicorn wore a dirty, off-white lab-coat, directly contrasting with their sharp, spick and span black jackets. The lab-coat had his name embroidered on it in bright orange-letters, clearly labelling him as one Doctor Veil.
“Look, we cannot afford to keep this research project open at this current expense. If you can’t give us something to work with, then we’re going to have to cut corners. The profit projections…” the sharper dressed pony began, but was quickly silenced by Veil’s protests.
“Profit projections?! When I signed on at this company, I was assured that technological breakthroughs were the priority!” Veil shouted once more at the pair, stamping his fore-hooves against the ground with rage. The less sharply dressed and, as such, clearly inferior pony backed up a little as he began to sweat; he accidentally nudged the easel that held all their fancy statistical data, and put their precious pie charts in jeopardy. The more sharply dressed pony, however, didn’t back down an inch, ignoring Veil’s angry stares.
“This is still a business. End of the day it doesn’t matter how groundbreaking the technology; what matters is can we sell it and how soon,” said the sharply dressed pony whose name-tag clearly read, in burnished silver may I add, Administrator Wad.
“A project like this requires a lot of testing! Just one wrong minor problem could mean the difference between life and death!” Veil shouted again; now that I mention it shouting does seem to be his usual voice.
“You've surely run tests by now, haven't you? I want to see this product; now.” Wad stepped forwards with a confrontational smile.
“I want to see you leave; now, but we both know that isn’t going to happen either now, don’t we?” Veil pressed his muzzle forwards, stopping mere centimetres from Wad’s face.
“Humph, if that’s the way you want to play it; let’s fight fire with fire,” A self-satisfied smirk appeared on his lips. “Stencil! Fetch your briefcase,” he called back to the shaking, inferiorly dressed pony without turning around.
“R…r…r… right away, sir!” Stencil stammered as he grabbed his briefcase by the handle with his mouth, and placed it onto the large meeting table that sat beside the three ponies. Flicking the locks with his hooves he opened it up and left it pointing towards his superior.
Wad didn’t even deign to acknowledge Stencil’s contribution, instead he pushed him out of the way, and pulled out a single white sheet of paper. With a wide grin on his face, he handed it to the unperturbed unicorn who snatched it from his hooves with a burst of telekinesis.
Veil’s eyes moved as he quickly skimmed the paper until he hit a certain sentence. He reread that sentence several times before lowering the paper and bellowing, “What in Faust’s name is this applesauce?!”
“Tell him Stencil,” Wad ordered his assistant, before locking his eyes on Veil's face.
“Ahem!” Stencil cleared his throat loudly, and pulled a cue card out of one of his pockets. He quickly scanned the card and nodded. “The document in front of you is a notice of termination. If Administrator Paper Wad signs the document, then you will no longer work here at Twilight Incorporated. You will be asked to clear out your desk and to pull the plug on your research project, so as to minimise the cash outflow. Another scientist will inherit the lab and most of your research staff,” Stencil read dryly, the words still had a clear effect on Veil, whose eyes narrowed as he began to physically shake. Stencil turned the card around and continued, “However, If Administrator Wad does not sign the document then your continual employment at Twilight Incorporated is assured, for the time being at least.”
Doctor Veil’s entire body shook with rage but he swallowed it down. Veil pondered . “Congratulations, Mister Wad,” Veil said through gritted teeth, afraid he might explode at any second, “I will bump the project up to Pony testing; it should be ready for mass production in three days time.”
“That is what I like to hear, isn’t that right Stencil?” Administrator Wad turned to his frantically nodding subordinate. “Very good. Well I’ll just hold onto this piece of paper, for security reasons. I’m sure I won’t need it again but a little extra motivation never hurts.” Wad took the paper back out of the air where it was still hovering and replaced it into the briefcase, which he then snapped shut. “It’s been a pleasure dealing with you,” he said sardonically before turning on his hooves and strutting out.
“Uhh… have a nice day, sir,” Stencil mumbled, staring at the ground before rushing after the administrator.
“By Faust, what have I just agreed to?” Veil asked the world, collapsing into the comfortable chair at the head of the meeting table.
“Knock, knock,” a voice called from outside. Veil exhaled loudly which the newcomer took as a sign to enter. “Doctor, Lamplight just figured out a way to revamp the computational matrix, he’s adding in the new code as we speak,” a dark purple pegasus mare said as she entered the room.
“Uhhhhh…” Veil groaned as he flopped face-down onto the table in front of his chair.
“Meeting not go well?” the pegasus asked sarcastically.
“In a manner of speaking,” Veil mumbled through the table.
“Want to talk about it?” The pegasus was also wearing a lab coat, although this one was a bright white with no markings at all. A convenient name tag, plastic this time, announced to everypony that she was Fluorescent Spark, P.H.D.
“No,” Veil grumbled, still face-down on the table. His white mane spread out around his head, obscuring his face from vision.
“Come on, Veil. Tell Momma Spark what’s the problem,” Spark said with a laugh.
Veil gave a short snort of laughter and mumbled incoherently from the table.
“Veil. Veil. Veil. Veil. Veil,” Spark began to repeat incessantly.
Eventually Veil lifted his head and gave Spark a withering glare.
“Oh come on sugar, you know you love it when I say your name,” Spark said before bursting into another laugh. Her laughs were heavy and deep as if they rose all the way from her stomach.
“Hilarious. I suppose I’d better tell everypony. It is important,” Veil mumbled, mostly to himself.
“I’ll go and rally the troops then,” Spark said with another smile before trotting out of the room.
Veil reunited his face with the table, the table appreciated the company.
“Hey! Lamplight! The Boss wants to see us in the meeting room!” Spark said as she trotted into the experiment room. The fruits of their labours sat in front of them, two round circles sat on the floor, fringe science stuff.
“I’m still calibrating the matrix! Can it wait?!” a voice returned irritatedly.
“Can an aardvark sprout wings and fly to the moon?” Spark said with another snicker of laughter.
Silence reigned supreme while Lamplight tried to decipher such a cryptic response. “I’m guessing that’s a no?” he eventually concluded.
“Yep, that’s a no. So get your flank up here so we can get our science on,” Spark said smoothly as she shuffled around the room.
“Oh boy, I just can’t wait to get my science on,” Lamplight returned sarcastically.
“Will you just hurry up, Veil has an important announcement.” Spark gave him the evil eye but unfortunately he couldn’t see her from his position inside the floor. She decided that she would evil eye him so bad the second he climbed back out.
“The day Veil has something important to say is the day that pigs learn to fly,” Lamplight said with a derisive snort.
“Boy, someone sure put a bee in your bonnet,” Spark said snarkily. Lamplight was always such a chore, and a bore, a complete snore really. Spark found herself laughing, she loved rhymes and limes but not mimes, not even ponies liked mimes… or the Dutch, but that’s a different story.
Lamplight mumbled something inaudibly in reply earning a sharp glance from the mare. Once again though her glance failed in its task as it rebounded harmlessly off of the floor.
“I’ll just tell him you’re on your way then, shall I?” Spark replied flatly.
“If you would be so dear. Run along now, this matrix isn’t going to program itself,” Lamplight said in a rather belittling tone.
Sparks turned with a loud humph and trotted away. She was clearly not pleased.
Spark rounded the corridor mumbling something under her breath when she arrived at a door labelled “Spellatorium”. She pushed the door open and called into the darkened room, “Splitter! Splitter! Hey Arcane Splitter!”
“No! No! No! This week I’m Spell Weaver,” shouted back an angry but creaky voice.
“Okay, got’cha. Spell Weaver?” Spark tried again, her smile never leaving her face. She was the only pony that actually enjoyed dealing with Spell Weaver or Arcane Splitter or Esoteric Secret or even that one day he had called himself Despair Bringer.
“Yes?” the voice replied in a warm yet still creaky tone.
“Professor Veil’s called a meeting,” Spark said in a sing-song voice.
“Wonderful, I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Spell Weaver returned, a little absent-mindedly.
“Why? What’ya doing?” Spark pushed open the door a bit more and trotted inside. An old mage sat alone in the dark was borderline creepy, if it had been anypony except… uh… Spell Weaver! If it had been anypony except Spell Weaver then she would probably have been galloping off in the other direction. Spark turned the light on as she entered, showing the elderly grey unicorn for what he was rather than as a mysterious voice in a dark room. A pointlessly pointed hat sat atop his white mane, whilst he completely lacked a tail.
“Well I had a brilliant idea over crumpets yesterday. You know I’ve been testing and testing the teleportation spell over and over again,” he said confidently from the darkest corner in the room. His tone then completely changed as he looked extremely confused for a moment and added in an aged and weak voice, “Now, did I lock my front door?”
“Of course you did, why wouldn’t you?” Spark replied with a soft giggle.
“I don’t know, I just had a… a thought.” Weaver looked down at his hooves, his forehead furrowed before returning to his usual self.
“Anyway, the spell works fine on its own, obviously. But another spell I haven’t used in a long time may come in real handy here during testing.” He continued his tale with gusto before adding in the same strained tone as before, “Are you sure I locked it?”
“As sure as I can be,” Spark said with another giggle.
“Good, good. Well it’s a spell I call the ‘Boomerang’.” Weaver said with a flourish.
“Coooooool.” Spark said with a look of wonder on her face which was quickly replaced with a look of confusion. “What’s a boomerang?”
“It’s a curved piece of wood that rebounds to the thrower. It’s used for hunting by a Zebrican tribe known as the Maori,” Weaver explained, he never missed an opportunity to show off his experience.
“Sounds pretty neat,” Spark confessed with a huge grin plastered across her face.
“Oh it is! I might still have one knocking around, you remind me and I’ll give a look for it when I get back,” Weaver said with a chuckle.
“But yes as I was saying, this spell snaps its target back to the original point from where it was cast from, after a given time.” Weaver paused to allow it to sink into his excitable audience.
“Oooh! Sounds useful,” Spark commented, trotting closer to the old pony.
“It is! But the two spells seem to cancel each other out, I can’t get them to co-exist on the same target at the same time,” he concluded with a sad sigh.
“I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Anyway, the boss is waiting for us,” Spark said with another one of her Spark Smiles™.
“Oh yes, I’ll be right along. Let me just stabilise this spell.”
“Don’t leave Veil waiting too long,” Sparks said, elongating the “o” in long in a playful manner. She trotted back out of the room. “Two down, two to go,”
Fluorescent Spark trotted along to the offices to search for the other two ponies.
“Woah there Sparky, what are you doing up here in the offices,” an Appleloosan voice called out behind her.
“Quill Slinger, just the pony I was looking for,” Spark said as her smile returned, and she turned to face the pony.
“Ya reconsidered my offer for a night with this bronco?” The pale beige earth pony said with a wink.
“Not until you get a better pick-up line,” Sparks replied with a laugh.
Slinger sighed heavily and shifted his ten gallon hat before replying. “Ah well, you win some, you lose some. So what, pray tell, are you wantin’ with me.”
“Professor Veil has called a group meeting in the meeting room,” Sparks stated matter-of-factly.
“Horse apples. This is bound to be about those two city slickers, Ah told him to let me handle it!” Slinger shouted with a stomp of one of his hooves.
“What would you have done then?” Sparks said straightly. She had dealt with Quill Slinger many-a-time and she learnt long ago not to give him any openings.
“He was dealing with Administrator Wad, that cold-hearted son of a mule takes no prisoners. Ah bet he went for the ‘do this or your fired line,’ that’s his usual strategy. All it woulda taken is a bit of legal precedence and he woulda shut his mouth faster than a salt licker with a banjo,” Quill Slinger said with one of his hearty laughs.
“Well he has called a meeting and it sounds important so…” Spark led on.
“Got ya little missy, I’ll head right there now.” Quill Slinger nodded and tipped his hat before starting to trot down the corridor.
“Right I’ll catch you up, I’ve just got to find Smithy,” Spark called after him.
“Smithy!” Spark called out as she entered the workshop. Heaps of machine parts lay absolutely everywhere, some were coated in a thick veneer of dust. Oooh Shiny! Spark couldn’t resist sticking her snout into a pile of sparkly golden items. “Achoo!” Spark sneezed loudly as she disturbed the coat of dust.
“Who iz there?” a feminine voice called through a loudspeaker, Spark could see the speaker mounted on a wall with a new addition.
“It’s me! Fluorescent Spark!” Spark squeaked. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. She held up her forehooves as a floodlight suddenly turned on, bathing her in its incandescent glare. Above her a bat in the rafters turned to face her. The bat appeared to wink and Spark caught sight of the flash of a camera.
“Ah, Fluorescent Spark. Gut, gut,” the voice said passively.
“Fraulein Smithy,” Fluorescent Spark said with a nervous smile.
“Vat brings you to my vorkshop?” it suddenly demanded fiercely.
“I was asked to see if you would attend a staff meeting,” Spark babbled out, her voice wavering
“Ah, direction. Also gut. De only foreseeable problem is I am still vorking on zis modulator. Vithout it de teleporter vill not be able to sustain itself,” the speaker continued to blare out.
“Uhh, you are aware that Lamplight is recalibrating the matrix,” Spark hazarded awkwardly.
“VAT?!” the voice shouted fiercely, a door suddenly flew open as a short pale green earth pony wearing a pristine white apron and a pair of yellow goggles charged through. “DAT FOAL!” the pony shouted angrily, her face contorting with rage. “VERE IS HE?! I Vill recalibrate his face!” Smithy screamed at Spark.
Fluorescent Spark lowered her hooves and jumped back in one fluid motion. One look at the throbbing vein on Smithy’s head told her she better answer her, and soon. “He’ll be at the meeting,” she blurted out quickly before turning to leave.
“Spark!” she barked.
Spark instantly froze and turned around again.
“Yes Fraulein!” Spark tried to bark back but ended up with more of a twig.
“I vish to speak vonce more with Lamplight. Take me to de meeting.”
“Of course Fraulein”, Spark said nervously with an audible gulp. She turned once more and walked out of the workshop, hoofsteps behind her told her that Smithy was following. God she hated Smithy, the only pony who legitimately scared her and for good reason. When they had started Smithy had been the lead technician with two underlings, now there’s only her. Circuit Switch quit and Gear Grinder was hospitalised when he was hit by an energy beam. He had just been to the dentists and couldn’t announce himself to Smithy so she hit him in the chest with a laser. The mare was crazy, but equally brilliant so their superiors tolerated it.
Professor Veil sat in his spinney chair. He’d fallen out with the table over their favourite employee and was now absentmindedly spinning around.
The door slammed opened and Quill Slinger strode in, the look on his face told him that the door slamming was not accidental. “Lookie ‘ere! I told you all about Wad and his highfalutin’ plans,” he shouted angrily.
Professor Veil attempted to stop the spinning of his chair only to find the lever jammed. The chair continued to spin but Veil still tried his best to look grumpy and stare Quill Slinger in the eyes whenever he could. “Yeah, thanks for the heads-up,” he said in his grumpiest “I’m older than you” voice.
“Veil, I bet’cha he put you in a corner, didn’t he?!” Quill Slinger said with a shake of his head.
“Well maybe if you’d armed me with some useful…” Veil shouted angrily then briefly paused as his chair spun around to the point where he could be seen again “… information about Wad’s style!”
“I told you that his sense of morality was more skewed than an Appleloosan roof after a dust storm. It ain’t ma fault if you don’t take ma advice,” Quill Slinger said with an angry stomp of his hoof.
There was a brief period of silence as Veil waited for his chair to get back into position. “How am I supposed to if nopony can understand you!” Veil shouted.
“Look here, if you can’t understand things as plain as a buffalo on an all-bran diet...” Quill Slinger began as he trotted up to the chair. “Look, just pull the lever,” he then shouted angrily.
“Don’t you think I tried that?! It isn’t bloody well stopping!” Veil shouted giving a second long glare before he spun out of reach.
“Just get out of the chair!” Quill said as he crouched down to get to the underside of the chair.
“How will that help?” Veil shouted throwing up his hooves in anger at the world.
“For Harmony’s Sake Veil! Stop kicking, I’m going to. Ow! Stop it! I’ve got it!” Quill pulled the lever… clean off. “Horse apples.”
“Why is it still spinning then?!” Veil demanded.
“I think I broke it,” Quill muttered awkwardly, holding up the broken lever in his hoof.
“Oh for…” Veil began.
“I’m not interrupting anything am I?” a light yellow pegasus said snidely as he trotted in.
“Lamplight,” Veil muttered through gritted teeth.
“Veil,” Lamplight said trying to meet Veil’s eyes but once again he spun out of visible range.
“Why are you spinning around?” Lamplight said with a snide sneer slipping sneakily onto his visage.
“Quill Slinger broke the lever,” Veil said accusatorily.
“Hey! The lever was broken before I …er… broke it,” Quill Slinger began angrily but lost his steam in the middle.
“Well, this is the last thing... no wait, this is exactly what I expected from you,” Lamplight said with the kind of chuckle that would make anypony want to punch him in the face. Coincidentally both Veil and Quill brandished their forehooves.
“LAMPLIGHT!” a fierce scream sounded out from through the door causing Lamplight to jump six feet in the air.
“Oh, uh… Fraulein Smithy… what a… what a pleasure.” Lamplight began to back away as he broke out in a nervous sweat.
“LAMPLIGHT! I told you not to mess with my matrix!” she screamed at the rapidly backing away pony.
“Well you see… I… uh… had this idea… and,” Lamplight began to stutter as the Germane pony strode up to him. Veil was trying his best not to laugh, he knew how scary she could be, even if she was only two thirds of Lamplight’s size.
“NOPONY touches MY matrix! You got that? Ja?” she said pushing her face mere inches from Lamplight’s.
“I just… I… there was…” Lamplight was babbling almost incoherently now.
“Dere is no reason gut enough!” she shouted angrily before trotting over to the meeting table and taking a seat.
Fluorescent Spark poked her head through the door to make sure that she hadn’t killed him. Once she was certain everypony was still kicking she led Spell Weaver into the room and the two of them took seats as well.
Quill Slinger shrugged and threw the broken lever over his shoulder before joining the table too.
Lamplight stood up and tried to straighten his name badge before trotting over to the complete opposite corner of the table from Smithy and taking a seat there.
Veil climbed out of the chair with a sad sigh and pushed it into the corner where it continued to spin. He then pulled a chair around from the side and placed it at the head of the table. With a dramatic flourish he sat in the chair and leant forwards expectantly. “We’re moving up to pony testing,” he said loudly and clearly.
The entire table was suddenly in uproar again.
“We can’t! We legally can’t without enough evidence that it’s safe!” Quill Slinger said as he leapt to his hooves.
“The matrix isn’t even…” Lamplight began angrily as he started to stand up to only to sit back down again when his eyes met Smithy’s. “We aren’t even close to being ready! Smithy has yet to…”
“I am ready,” Smithy said as she stood up, although this made so little difference that Spell Weaver didn’t even notice.
“Ready? We’re ready for trial runs for our first prototype, maybe,” Lamplight shouted with more confidence.
“DID YOU NOT HEAR?! I AM READY!” Smithy shouted at the top of her voice. “My matrix is fully coded, the final piece iz ready for attachment. De robotic drone has already been produced,” Smithy insisted.
“That’s what I like to hear! We’re ready on the technical side then?" Veil said with a clap of his hooves.
“Hang on a minute! I haven’t actually…” Lamplight began again but was silenced by Smithy’s loud reply of “Ja!”
“Excellent. Arcane…” Veil began as he turned to his head of magical development.
“Spell Weaver,” Spark whispered in an urgent tone. Veil caught the cue, this was far from the first time he had changed his name.
“Spell Weaver, are you ready for the enchantments,” he corrected himself.
“At a functional level, yes,” the aged unicorn nodded.
“Now wait one cotton-picking minute! This whole procedure’s as risky as bathing in rattlesnakes! I ain’t signing noponies onto their deathbeds,” Quill Slinger said confrontationally.
“No need. I’ll do the trial run,” Fluorescent Spark said to everypony’s surprise.
“But… but…” Veil began to stutter.
“You don’t need me here, I’m just the theorist. My part’s done and I’m not going to risk anypony’s lives but my own with this thing,” Spark insisted.
Veil looked as if he was going to argue but he dropped his hoof and turned to Quill Slinger.
“I’ve got forms you can sign if you’re sure,” Quill Slinger said with an appreciative nod.
“Well then, gentleponies and Smithy, shall we get cracking?” Spark said standing up. The group all turned to Veil who gave a nod in reply. The ponies all stood up from their chairs and trotted out of the door heading to finish up last preparations.
Veil turned to Spark and looked her in the eyes. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he said quietly searching her for any sign of doubt.
“Do female cockatrices lay eggs?” she said with another trademark smile.
Fluorescent Spark was suited and ready for testing, and frankly she felt absolutely ridiculous. I mean Spark enjoyed a game of dress-up as much as the next pony but a puffed-up luminescent orange jacket? Was there ever really a cause for that. To top it off, a bright green helmet sat atop her head, she was going to have the worst helmet mane ever after all this. Four rubber gum boots were on her hooves and a pair of thick black shades on her eyes. A red hip flask sat at her side filled with cold refreshing water along with a flashlight. She was just glad she didn’t have to look at herself, she’d probably die with shame. As if on cue, Veil held up a mirror and Spark almost fainted. “What have you done to me?!” she shrieked as if in pain before ruining it with another deep chesty laugh.
“I’m absolutely positive that there is no possible situation now that you aren’t prepared for,” Veil said confidently with a smile. She was ready for any conditions: hot, cold, wet, dry, dark, light. His smile suddenly turned upside down when he realised something, “unless you appear underwater! Stay here I’m going to get you an oxygen tank!” he shouted before galloping back off into the laboratory.
Fluorescent Spark didn’t know whether she should be excited or scared so she settled on scited. If this worked then they would revolutionise Equestria and she would be the first pony to ever teleport from one place to another without the use of magic. If it went wrong… well it wouldn’t! She and her colleagues had invested eight years into this project but now they were finally ready. Spark couldn’t help but hop as she moved into the workshop.
Lamplight was up in his office, sat at one of the computers furiously typing in parameters. A pair of thick framed square glasses sat on his face. The warm yellow pegasus’s hooves were clacking on the large keyboard. Spark decided to pop in to see him first. She trotted up the metal stairs and through the ajar door into the room. Walking up behind him she peered over his shoulder. A seemingly random assortment of letters and numbers soared across the screen in ordered lines. “Ooh, whatcha doing?”
“Coding,” Lamplight said tersely, keeping his eye on the small screen. His hooves continued to dance their merry dance across the keys.
Fluorescent Spark couldn’t take her eyes off the hooves’ mad jig. “I thought everything was ready?” She said absent-mindedly.
“The equipment is fully calibrated,” Lamplight said, his eyes still darting across the monitor.
“Even the matrix?” Spark said with a laugh.
Lamplight exhaled heavily and stopped typing turning to face her. “Especially the matrix,” he said with a very fake smile. “What do you want?”
“I was just checking on your progress,” Spark said defensively. Sometimes Lamplight could be such a grouch.
“I don’t need checking on. Just leave me to my work, please?” Lamplight said with another loud sigh.
“Depends,” Spark said rather childishly, sticking her tongue out at the tetchy programmer.
Lamplight turned back to his computer and started hammering at the keys again. In the next room over Fraulein Smithy decided to break into an impromptu song, her high-pitched opera voice singing in Germane. Spark continued to hover behind him just on the edge of his peripheral vision. Every time he turned his head, the fluorescent orange overcoat the pegasi was wearing would slowly nudge back into his vision and he would turn away again. Lamplight’s eyebrow began to tick angrily. He removed his glasses and rubbed his forehead, looking up to the ceiling. A gust of wind hit him in the face and he opened his eyes to see a pair of large green eyes staring at him.
“Fine!” he bellowed at the pegasi who reeled backwards in surprise but managed to stabilise and land safely. “Depends on what?” he said firmly his voice dripping with so much malice that a metaphorical lake of malice was forming below him. The metaphorical people below did not like this new malevolent feature and endeavoured to destroy it before it destroyed them. Unfortunately their epic struggle is not relevant so let’s all just forget about it. Also don’t worry, the metaphorical people were metaphorically Dutch so no problems there.
“Depends on if you’re ready for the test,” Spark replied as if nothing had happened. Internally though she was laughing her head off, messing with Lamplight was so easy that sometimes it wasn’t even funny. Nah, who was she kidding, it was still hilarious!
“Yes! Yes! I am ready! Okay?! I am READY! I AM SO BUCKING READY IT HURTS!” Lamplight screamed almost deafeningly, and smashed his hoof against the table… or what was on the table. His keyboard shattered, sending pieces of plastic flying absolutely everywhere.
To Spark it was like an impromptu snow storm with tiny fragments of white plastics raining all around her. She smiled at the image until she saw Lamplight’s face. Spark’s smile instantly soured, she knew Lamplight had a breaking point, she’d passed it once before by mistake. She shuddered at the memory and began to back out of the room slowly.
Lamplight turned back around and stared at the gaping hole in his keyboard. He just sat there silently, as if by staring it would magically repair itself.
Spark saw her chance and bailed out, galloping out of the door and down the stairs. She could hear Lamplight roar with rage when a loud shattering sound had her spinning on her hooves. Time seemed to slow as the keyboard crashed through the window. Smithy’s muffled singing was much louder out here. To punctuate this, every so often she would hit a piece of metal with a hammer almost rhythmically. This continued for around a minute, well to Spark it seemed like a minute. In reality it was like two seconds. Smithy began to hit a crescendo, the sound reverberating around the room like a drunken parrot. The keyboard was inches from the ground when Smithy started her final note and held it for what seemed like forever as the keyboard nudged slowly towards the ground. It finally hit, bursting into a million tiny pieces that flew in every direction. Lamplight howled again before the door slammed shut upstairs. To make matters worse Fraulein Smithy hit the final note, her treble trebling in pitch. Security dogs all around the facility started howling as her pitch began to smash the remaining glass in the observation room.
Smithy held for applause before seeing the destruction around the workshop. “Ach nein,” she said quietly to herself before going back into her work with gusto. Well as quietly as one can speak Germane, which is naturally a rather… loud language.
Veil came galloping into the room along with Quill Slinger. “What in tarnation is goin on here?!” Quill Slinger shouted as he strode into the large room. “Smithy?! Were you singing again?!”
Smithy strode out confidently, she was pretty much bulletproof, nothing could get her fired, Twilight Incorporated wouldn’t release her into anything but a jail if she got too out of hand. Couldn’t risk a technical genius being employed by a rival company now, could they? “Yes, Vat is it?” Smithy said in her best “look at what I did and you can’t do nothing about it” voice.
“You just broke every damn window in the facility!” Veil shouted, his face the colour of beetroot, which in case you don’t know is basically a really dark reddy-purple.
“I also completed de final fitting. Zis machine is now ready to, uh, how you say “boot up”,” she said completely disregarding what they were talking about.
Quill Slinger swallowed his rage but couldn’t help but let slip one of his idioms, “You’re more difficult than riding a bull made of bees!”
“Never mind that now, we’ll get this room cleaned up but now we can move these pads to testing!” Veil said excitedly.
“Well I suppose this is brilliant news,” Quill Slinger instantly cheered up.
“Yeah! Send me to the moon!” Spark shouted as she bounded over.
Quill Slinger burst out laughing at the orange orb of a pony that appeared to be rolling towards them. “Why… you look as ridiculous as… spurs on a groundhog!” Quill Slinger forced out between his bouts of laughter.
“Quill Slinger, would you take Spark to go and sign the release form and then get the final go-ahead from the main office. I’ll fetch Lamplight down from his office and then the three of us can bring the pads through to the testing chambers where we’ll meet you,” Veil said his body springing up and down with barely constrained enthusiasm.
“Sure thing boss, we’ll be done before you can say AAApplelooosa!” Quill Slinger sang the last word, rearing on his hind legs with a whinny. And with that he turned on his hooves and galloped back out into the corridor.
Spark turned to leave but Veil grabbed her shoulder and turned her back around. “Oh and Spark, two things: Number one you need to find Arcane Splitter,”
“Spell Weaver,” Spark interjected instinctively.
“Oh yes, uh, yeah. Find Spell Weaver and send him to the chambers, we might need some of his spells for extra security. Good luck,” Veil said with a fatherly clasp of her shoulder and a reassuring nod before turning to head off to the office.
“What was the other thing?”
“Other thing?” Veil turned back, his eyebrows arched in confusion when he suddenly nodded with a roll of his eyes. “Oh yeah, I left you an air tank in the equipment room, make sure you put it on before we start,” he said before turning away again.
“An air tank, really? Next thing you know it’ll be a real tank! That would be so much fun! I’d be all rah! And like everypony else would be all aah!” Spark mumbled to herself as she trotted out of the room after the Appleloosan.
A purple unicorn mare sat in a massive spinney chair that’s back rose to twice her height. In front of her was an ebony desk with a solid gold nameplate, written on it with onyx stones were the words “Twilight Tinker M.Eng.” Open on the desk was an engraved silver cigarillo case with half of them missing. An ash-tray made of a massive, hollowed out sapphire sat on the table, full of ash. A quartz decanter of amber liquid sat on the desk as well, with a half empty tumbler beside it. In between these items was a vast array of folders and papers haphazardly tossed everywhere. Twilight was lounging in the chair with a lit cigarillo levitating beside her and a folder open in her hooves when her personal assistant walked in.
The pink earth pony P.A had long straightened her and a pair of stylish small glasses on her face. On her flank were three piles of rocks, ordered by colour. She trotted in on three hooves, her fourth holding another pair of plain yellow folders.
Twilight looked up as she entered before exclaiming crankily, “Can you believe this Diane? Administrator Jerkwad threatened to fire one of our greatest scientists yesterday! Dr. Veil.”
“You did authorise it Twilight,” Diane sat absent-mindedly as she placed the folders on the table and then saw the state it was in.
“What?! I think I would remember giving that piece of work authority over one of our best,” Twilight scoffed.
“He came to visit yesterday morning after you’d drunken yourself under the desk… again,” Diane a said with a sigh as she began to order the papers spread out all over the desk.
“Oh yes, I completely forgot about the staff party. Hahaha! Great times, you should have seen your sister Isabelle though! By Faust she was off her rocker!” Twilight laughed. The smoking and fine brandy had given her an awesomely gravelly voice, with an equally gruff yet cool laugh.
“Yes, I recall you were the one pushing her, don’t think I’ve forgotten, Twilight,” Diane said rather sharply as she began to archive some of the older folders into a nearby filing cabinet.
“Oh it was all in good fun. You should let your mane down once in a while. Inkie did and look at how much fun she had,” Twilight said tossing the folder from her hooves and onto the desk that Diane had just painstakingly restored order too. Once again the desk was plummeted into a war on organisation. The paper folder had knocked over a box of paperclips which were now spreading across the table in a guerrilla movement against the fascist state of Diane.
“She almost killed Pencil Pusher when she threw him off of the building’s roof!” Diane shouted angrily, both at the memory and at Twilight’s disregard for order.
“Bah, spoilsport, he was fine. What’s his face caught him, the blue pegasi… uh… the one with the freaky hair,” Twilight began making gesturing with her forehooves as if inflating her own purple and pink mane.
Diane returned to the desk and set about crushing the paperclip resistance without mercy, all of them being horded into the gulag that was their pot. “The stunt flyer we hired for the latest marketing stunt?” she eventually relayed with a happy smile after restoring the status quo of Twilight’s desk.
“Yes, her!” Twilight stood on her back hooves and pointed at Diane with a small cheer. She then realised they still lacked one crucial fact, her name. She took a stab in the dark. “Rainbow Dash was it?”
“I think it was Rainbow Crash, you know to give with her stuntpony job.” Diane replied, biting her lip in deep thought. She then just shrugged and said, “No matter she’s back in Cloudsdale now, we’ve sponsored her for this year’s young flyer’s competition. Let’s hope she’s as good as she say she is.”
“But yeah, next time I get invited to a stuffy party with those Canterlot fops I’m taking Inkie. Some mares know how to party, others know how to PARTAY!” Twilight laughed coarsely as she took her seat again.
“Really? The Republican Canterlot Guard won’t be as forgiving as your own personal security force,” Diane said in her favourite neutral voice.
“It’ll be fine, President Blueblood is a close personal friend of mine,” Twilight said dismissively waving a hoof as she levitated the tumbler of fine scotch to her lips and drained the rest of the glass with a sigh of pleasure.
“I still don’t know how that puppet won the election. I don’t think he’s ever spent a day outside Canterlot,” Diane grumbled, politics was her pet peeve.
“Did you see the other candidates? A griffon, a psychopath and a general! Sounds like the set-up for a joke! You could probably have won it,” Twilight said with a laugh.
“Thanks,” Diane said dryly.
“No offence,” Twilight added a little too late. “So what’s the schedule for this morning then?” Twilight asked trying to smoothly change the topic.
“Well, you have a meeting with the board of directors at eleven and luncheon with Fancypants at the Cuisine De Délices in Canterlot Plaza.
“Oh boy, what a fun morning,” Twilight said sarcastically pouring herself another drink.
Diane looked at her disapprovingly. “You can’t turn up to every meeting slightly drunk,” she said firmly.
“Why not? I just need to get to that perfect point where the drink is actually boosting my cognitive abilities without going the full distance and ending up brain-dead,” Twilight said as she downed half of the tumbler with a smack of her lips.
“Because that’s worked so well in the past,” Diane said rather snarkily.
“Hey! The past is past, that was not my fault,” Twilight said defensively.
“You were so out of it you spent the better part of a day thinking you were a spider!” Diane shouted incredulously as she spotted a single paperclip hold-out that had somehow avoided her thorough hooves.
“No damage was done,” Twilight grumbled disconcertedly.
“You crawled into a vent and jumped on top of the visiting Neighsian dignitary!” Diane continued her brutal attack, seizing the paperclip and squeezing the life out of it before shipping its body home, back to the pot.
“Oh yeah,” Twilight said with a fond smile before bursting out laughing, “Faust that was hilarious.”
“You almost caused a diplomatic incident! You’re lucky he was so chuffed with our Equinaterrian efforts.” Diane was once again happy with the uniformity of the desk.
“How about the afternoon then?” Twilight navigated back on topic.
“You seem to have… nothing. Afternoon’s clear. Pencil Pusher hasn’t returned to work yet so there’s no Vice President of Marketing and Fleur-De-Lis cancelled on the dinner. Apparently her agent had managed to get her an evening with President Blueblood. So what are you going to do?”
“Party?” Twilight suggested with barely restrained mirth. A fierce stare from Diane made her change her mind. “Hmm,” she pondered, tapping her hoof against her chair while she lit another cigarillo with her horn. A short puff of smoke helped to order her thoughts. “Well, I suppose I’d better pay Dr. Veil a visit, the pony almost lost his job due to my little slip-up. Besides, last I heard his project was nearing completion. Teleportation, real breakthrough stuff,” she said with a sense of awe. She then sighed heavily in a regretful manner.
“What now?” Diane said irritably.
“I was just remembering back when that was me. If it weren’t for all these perks I’d be down there with them. There is nothing quite like the joy of discovery,” Twilight said fondly, before taking another puff from her cigarillo.
“Well why not take the project over yourself? You have the authority,” Diane suggested with a shrug.
“I wouldn’t steal Veil’s spotlight so close to completion,” Twilight said dismissively.
“I’m sure you’ll think of something, now you need to meet with those directors,” Diane said, pointing to the door with a hoof.
“Oh please don’t make me go! Those dullards are well… dull,” Twilight moaned as she drained her second glass.
“You’ve got to what you’ve got to do,” Diane said with a shrug.
“Come with me then, at least then I’ll have someone to talk to during this miserable affair.” Twilight stood up from her chair clearly displaying her cutie mark, a jeweller’s loupe with a gear in the middle.
“Fine, If it’ll make you go,” Diane said rolling her eyes.
“Yes!” Twilight pumped her hoof into the air and took one last puff of her cigarillo before tossing it into the sapphire ashtray. “Oh and send for Isabelle,” Twilight said playfully.
“Now you’re just pushing it.” Diane gave Twilight a light-hearted push as she escorted her boss out of the office.
“I was just going to…” Twilight began.
“No,” Diane replied more firmly.
“Spoilsport,” Twilight grumbled as Diane closed the door behind them.
Quill Slinger pushed the perilously placed perched of papers towards Fluorescent Spark who looked at him dumbstruck. He then sat back in his leather chair and lowered his colossal hat’s brim over his eyes.
“I don’t have to read all of these, do I?” she said with a heavy sigh.
“Eeyup, I’ve gone through it, it’s all rudimentary stuff. Just sign everywhere it prompts and I’ll send it off to central division,” Quill replied unmoving.
“Okey-doke,” Spark said whimisically, picking a quill up from the desk with her mouth and scribbling along the line. “Is this all of it?”
“I wish. This is just the waiver, we still got a crater full of paperwork to get through,” Quill replied from under his hat.
Spark turned to the next page and scribbled at the bottom, then the next, then the next.
Twenty minutes later she was shaking the snoring Appleloosan opposite her who pulled another stack of papers from another drawer and the process reset.
“If I ever do get that tank I now know what to use it on,” she grumbled angrily as she lifted up the quill and continued signing.
I must be the most bored pony I existence , Spark thought to herself.
I must be the most bored pony in existence , Twilight thought to herself. She looked to Diane who actually seemed to be paying attention to this pointless drivel. She started rocking on her chair absentmindedly. All around her ponies in suits were taking notes with scratchy pens. Twilight sighed heavily earning a hard look from a few of the more attentive directors. Twilight finally gave in and listened to the next section.
“… with the Derpy Developments deal finally going through, we can predict a six percent increase in the profit margin previously stipulated. Blah, blah, blah, blah.” Administrator Wad’s voice droned out again.
Well that was exciting, I wonder how much longer I have to sit here. Her eyes wandered to a clock in the corner. The meeting had only been on for five minutes. Twilight picked up her imaginary blade and stabbed straight through her imaginary ribs. Her imagination bled out in all directions as the ritual was committed and she fell backwards eyes closed and tongue lolling out.
Diane turned to face her and put a hoof to her mouth. “Sssh,” she said quietly before turning back to the matter at hand.
Twilight yanked her tongue back and sat up again, she had killed another minute. One of the directors next to her was smoking from an elaborate pipe made from ivory and silver. A white unicorn nodded every so often but Twilight could recognise a faker when she saw one, after all she could be a good one herself. She sidled over to the pony who was wearing a wide-brimmed sunhat set at a lively angle. As soon as she was right next to the bored director she gave her a slight nudge.
The director jumped and turned to see Twilight Tinker holding out a pack containing a certain green herb.
“Want to make the time pass faster Ms?” Twilight said with a shrews smile.
“Mrs. Rarity,” the unicorn held out a hoof into which Twilight placed a hoofful of the good stuff. “Is this what I think it is?”
“I’ve got a private supplier in Sugarcuba. This stuff is pure, a bit stronger than they can legally sell… but infinitely better,” Twilight whispered conspiratorially.
“Spotted locoweed? Oh, you shouldn’t have,” Rarity replied with a laugh as she tipped some into her pipe.
“Hay yeah, only the best for moi,” Twilight said with a laugh.
“You’re Twilight Tinker aren’t you? I was expecting you to be… a little stuffier.” Rarity said as she took a deep breath of the stuff. “Oh yeah, that is some grade A loco.”
“I aim to please and yes I am Twilight Twinker. I’m sure you’ve heard all about me, but I’ve never seen you before.”
“I’m High Roller’s wife, he couldn’t make it to the meeting,” she said truthfully before inhaling another breath of the sweet herb.
Twilight pulled out another cigar case but this one was understated, only made of simple tin. She opened it up and pulled out a pre-mixed cigar and a lighter. Within seconds she was relaxing on the chair next to Rarity puffing away.
Diane turned around to make sure Twilight was still awake and paying attention. As far as she was concerned she had just lit-up an ordinary cigar. She then turned back to the meeting.
“High Roller told me he’d gotten a bit of hot flank lately,” Twilight whispered to Rarity who feigned shock before joining Twilight in a laugh.
“I’ve only got to stick it out for a few more years and I get the estate so as far as I’m concerned he can say whatever he wants,” Rarity whispered back causing more giggles between them.
“Lady Rarity,” Twilight tried to act as shocked as she could but Rarity saw right through it with another laugh. “You want to know something?” Twilight looked around and leant in as close as possible and whispered something almost silently.
“What?”
“Everypony in this room is a stuck-up prig who wouldn’t know science if it bit them in the flank,” she repeated angrily.
“I could say the same about literature,” Rarity mumbled taking another breath of smoke.
“A fan of books are you?” Twilight asked.
“I write books that achieve a certain… function,” Rarity said with a suggestive wink.
“You don’t mean.” Twilight made some very crude motions with her hoof.
“I might do? Ever heard of Mistress Rare?” she said with a large grin.
“You don’t mean,” Twilight began.
“That’s my pen name,” Rarity said with a giggle.
“No way! You saucy little minx! I absolutely loved your Daring Doo fics,” Twilight was genuinely interested now. She had had a few… experiences with Mistress Rare’s work before.
“Thank you,” Rarity said with a flashy smile before leaning in and whispering “You want to take this party elsewhere?”
“Yeah we totally should. We should go see Inkie in the geological department, she knows how to have fun.
“I’ll take your word for that,” Rarity laughed. The two ponies stealthily rose to their hooves and crept out of the room.
The team was finally ready and in place. Lamplight sat at a workstation, powering up the pads that had been placed in a large empty room at opposite ends. The test-chamber was separated by one-way glass from the observation room that they had set up in. Quill Slinger and Fraulein Smithy were stood at the window waiting impatiently to see if they’re hard work had finally paid off.
Veil and Arc… Veil and Spell Weaver were stood beside the scited test subject.
“You certain you’re ready for this Spark,” Veil asked, looking her deep into her eyes.
Spark nodded twice, her demeanour unusually serious despite the fact that she was wearing more clothes than the average Eskihoof.
“Good luck then, I’m absolutely positive that no matter what happens you have the equipment to face it."
“It would have been better if you’d given me an actual tank,” Spark said pleasingly as she twisted her head and bashed her eye lashes at him.
“No,” Veil said flatly before turning away and trotting around to observation.
“Good luck Spark, I’ve cast the boomerang spell on you. If you get into trouble then it should snap you right back.
“Thank you Spell Weaver,” Spark said with an appreciative nod.
The old tailless unicorn trotted to observation too and the door shut sealing Spark in the chamber. She took a few steps towards the first pad waiting for the word. A speaker system switched on with Lamplight on the other side.
“Can you hear me? Nod once for yes or twice for no,” Lamplight said over the tinny loudspeakers.
Spark shook her head twice.
“I told you the systems didn’t work Smithy… hang on a minute. By Faust I swear I will wring her neck,” Lamplight cursed under his breath as he turned back to the microphone. “Very funny Spark, now would you step on the pad.”
Spark shifted over to the round circle on the ground.
“Okay activating in three, two, one, activating,” Lamplight read out slowly before hitting the enter key. The teleporter flashed a bright blue before going dark. Nopony materialised at the other pad. The group shuffled awkwardly in silence for the next minute, hooves crossed that she would re-appear. She did not.
(A/N: I don’t have anything against the Dutch I just found Austin Powers Gold Member too funny.)
(A/N 2: By Republican I do not mean the party, I of course refer to an advocate of republics.)
(A/N 3: Equinaterrian = Ponified Humanitarian, if you can think of one better, pray tell.)
Twilight Sparkle stifled a yawn as she mixed one mysterious beaker of purple liquid with one purple beaker of mysterious liquid. The solution frothed up as the two purples combined to empurple the purple; purple 2.0 as it were. Twilight continued to peer at the bubbling mixture as she levitated a pencil over to her clipboard, and scribbled another symbol into another margin. With a satisfied nod, she turned downwards to look at the book in front of her. A very large inked drawing of the vial sat slap-bang on the centre of the page next to a rather articulate sketch of a unicorn’s horn. She levitated an eyedropper into the solution and took a single drop. She then lifted it up to just above her head where she gently released it onto her horn. Her horn suddenly felt all tingly, although there were no visible differences. She picked up some callipers with her magic and measured her horn. With an excited squee, she dropped the callipers and hastily scribbled down something on the paper. A sly grin suddenly broke out on her face as she scribbled. With a nonchalant whistle, she glanced left and right to make sure nopony was home. She lifted the entire solution of purple liquid above her head and sprinkled a few more drops onto her horn. The bony protrusion visibly grew this time, only by around a millimetre, but it still visibly grew.
She placed the solution back onto the table, and turned the page of the book. The purple solution she had just made was on the left with a picture of a strong orange liquid next to it. Rather than turn the page and look at the result, Twilight decided to carry it out herself in the spirit of discovery. With a shine from her horn, she whisked the orange liquid over and placed it beside the purple solution. The two liquids mixed together, and suddenly everything exploded. Twilight was thrown off her hooves and hurtling into the air. The room flipped over twice, before landing awkwardly splayed on the floor.
She wrenched open her eyes and fought the oncoming waves of blackness, just managing to remain conscious. Her ears rang with the ferocity of the old school bells at the Canterlot Academy. Her eyes span as fast as Pinkie on a sugar rush.
The voice replied again, she could see its lips moving if she foused and managed to put together a little of what was said. “I… Spark… teleport… breakthrough… Twilight?”
Hearing her name, Twilight’s ears instantly pricked up. With the extra air resistance, she managed to correct her head and stop its sudden need to orbit her neck. Her eyes began to focus, stood in front of her was a dark purple pegasus wearing what looked like everything she could possibly find. In fact, Twilight couldn't name a single piece of clothing that she didn't seem to be wearing. "That poncho doesn't go with that bow-tie," Twilight eventually managed.
"I'm so sorry about breaking into your office!" the newcomer was shouting, but to Twilight she still sounded like she was several miles away, behind a brick wall and underwater.
"That's okay!" Twilight shouted back at deafening volume.
The Pegasus clutched her ears and took a few steps back. "No... to... out."
"What?" Twilight shouted again.
"I said there's no need to shout!" the pony bellowed at the top of her voice.
"Okay!" Twilight shouted back, then realised what she was doing and giggled. "I mean ok," she said at a still uncomfortable, but no longer deafening volume.
"You seem... different, somehow! Did you do something with your mane?" the pony shouted at a volume which she deemed comfortable, and one she hoped Twilight could hear at.
"No offence, but I'm pretty sure we haven't met before!" Twilight replied.
"It's Fluorescent Spark," Spark said with a hoof to her chest. Twilight shrugged in response, which prompted Spark to roll her eyes. "I work for Dr. Veil." Once again, Twilight shook her head, an awkward smile on her lips. "We're working on the teleportation project? The one that you have personally saved five times in the last three years!"
"I honestly don't know what you're talking about," Twilight said a bit quieter.
"How can you not? We're the talk of Twilight Incorporated!"
"Twilight what?" Twilight replied with another confused shrug.
"Your company! Are you okay? You haven't been taking loco again, have you? Pinkimina will not be pleased."
"My Company? Twilight slowly pushed herself to her hooves. The weight behind her words suddenly filtered in. "Pinkie Pie set you up for this didn't she? Very funny, Pinkie!" Twilight shouted at the open doorway.
"Yeah, uh... very funny." Spark laughed along awkwardly, before leaning in and whispering in Twilight's ear, Who's Pinkie?"
"Pinkimina Diane Pie!" Twilight shouted incredulously, sending Spark flying back again with the volume of her voice.
Spark's eyes went wide as she tried to work through a solution, then suddenly narrowed."Wait a second; your flank! That isn't your cutie mark!" Spark pointed at Twilight's rear with an outstretched hoof.
"This has always been my cutie mark. Are you all right? You seem a bit... confused." Twilight got
"I'm fine. A-okay. Nothing wrong here, not at all. If you're looking for a prime example of fine, look no further," Spark babbled nervously.
Twilight stared at the strange babbling pony and sighed. "You're not okay, are you?" she said flatly.
"Not in the slightest. Who are you, and where am I?"
"I'm Twilight Sparkle, and this is my personal laboratory in the basement if the Ponyville Public Library."
"What? But... but you should be Twilight Tinker, and Ponyville doesn't exist any longer. You renamed the town after pretty much every pony there became employed at the facility."
"What? There is clearly something very wrong here. I'm not Twilight Tinker... and I sure as sugar aren't head of any companies." Twilight lifted a hoof to her chin idly. "Where did you come from?"
"I teleported here?" Spark looked at Twilight in the hope that she'd tell her if she was right or not.
Twilight just wrinkled her brow and began tapping her chin. Twilight suddenly clapped her fore-hooves together and pointed at Spark's head. "You haven't got a horn! How did you teleport?"
"Like I said, I'm a scientist."
"What kind?" Twilight interrupted as she leant forwards in anticipation.
"Theoretical physics, but I volunteered to test out our newest prototype; the apparationater and vanisher 3000!
"That's an... interesting name."
"Meh, it's a work in progress. The guys wanted to just call it a teleporter, but apparationater and vanisher 3000 is so much cooler."
"Sure it is," Twilight said weakly with a very fake smile.
"It was supposed to move me from one pad to the other, but it seems to have deposited me here." Spark rubbed the back of her neck nervously.
Twilight's mind wandered back to a book she had read several weeks back. "Are we alone?" A lot if it had been crazy conspiracy theories about aliens and the Princesses, but there was one section on something called "multiverses". The author had believed that there were different universes where created whenever a being made a concious choice to do one thing and not the other. This pegasus seemed to be talking about a universe where there was a Twilight who looked just like her, but was completely different in every way. There would be an easy way to test this with one of Twilight's absolute favourite things in the world. "Time for a pop quiz!"
"What?" Spark spluttered. Twilight motioned for Spark to follow her, so she did.
Twilight trotted upstairs and took a seat at a table, before motioning for Spark to sit down opposite her.
With a non-committal shrug, Spark took the offered seat. "So, uh, how's this going to work?
Twilight pulled a pair of glasses out of nowhere and fixed them to her snout. "I just want to ask you some questions. A few questions that anypony couldn't possibly get wrong. Let me just cast a simple lie detector spell." Twilight's horn lit up a bright white as she pulled a notepad off a desk behind her, magically of course, and opened it up just in front of her. "Okay, Fluorescent Spark, was it?"
"Yep," Spark said with a nod.
"Let's start with something ridiculously easy. Who created the world?"
"Faust."
"Uh huh." Twilight wrote something in her notepad. "Where do we live?"
"Equestria. This is easy; next question."
"Okay. Now, who is the current ruler of Equestria?"
"Oh, Oh, I know this one. Think, Spark, think. Last year it was President Privileged for the Upper Crust party, but then there was the whole ballot box stuffing scandal. I think it's now President Blueblood with the Liberative Conservocrat party.
Twilight's jaw practically hit the floor, but she yanked it back close again, and started scribbling more fiercely in her notepad. "So, uh, a Republic, eh? Did Luna win the Lunar War?
"Lunar War? What's that? Is that some kind of video game? I don't play FPSs after Modern Waremare killed the genre."
Twilight scribbled something else down in her notepad. "Are there any alicorns?"
"Alicorns?" Spark snorted. "They're a myth. Do you take me for a foal?" she added with a laugh.
Twilight stopped scribbling and leant over the notepad. "What happened to Celestia and Luna?"
"Who?"
"Then how does the Sun and the Moon work?"
"Ah, that I can answer. Here's the simple version: Earth orbits around the sun elliptically whilst simultaneously spinning on an axis. Then the Moon just orbits Earth."
"Then why do we only see one side of the moon?"
"That's a fascinating answer: the moon also spins on an axis, but the speed at which the Moon rotates has lead to this particular phenomenon. Millions of years ago, the Moon spun at a much faster pace than it does now. However, the gravitational influence of the Earth has gradually acted upon the Moon to slow its rotation down, in the same way that the much smaller gravitational influence of the Moon acts upon the Earth to create tides. This influence slowed the rotational period of the Moon to match that of its orbit, leaving it in its current locked state."
Twilight's jaw once again decided to hang open. "But... what... that..." Twilight had to take a short break to untangle her tongue and replace her jaw. "that makes perfect sense."
"Of course it does, it's basic astrophysics," Spark said with a snort.
"O-of course." Twilight straightened back up and began to hastily jot down a summary in her notebook. "Now, um, so. How did you become a Republic?"
"That's a story. The "media" would have us believe that we were horribly repressed by a tyrannical monarch forcing people to raise up in protest. Truth is, Starswirl the Bearded managed to convince Commander Hurricane, Chancellor Puddinghead and Princess Platinum to work together, and the first council was formed. Starswirl served as the first president, and then he was replaced by Clover the Clever who revolutionised the entire voting process; proportional representation and all that."
"No Windigoes?"
"What the hay's a Windigo? Is that like a balloon?"
"Okay, I think we're done here."
"How'd I do? Please say I passed! Please, please please!" Spark said as she leapt to her hooves.
"Sure, you, uh, definitely passed." Twilight nervously rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof.
"Yes! Now let's go get drunk!"
"Drunk?" Twilight asked nervously.
"That's what I always do after I pass a test! C'mon!" Spark grabbed Twilight by her hoof, and dragged her out of the front door, then she stopped. She couldn't help but gawk at how different the town was. Stout, concrete houses had been replaced by thatched roof huts. The omnipresent, thick early morning fog was completely absent. "I'm guessing the Logical Fallacy hasn't been built?"
"Look, I'm not quite sure you should just be wandering about," Twilight said as she tried to drag Spark back.
"Come on, spoilsport, don't you want to party?"
"Did somepony say party!" a pink pony with a puffy mane and tail popped up out of the window of a nearby house.
"Pinkie! How did you get in Berry Punch's house?" Twilight gave Pinkie a sharp look but Pinkie just shrugged in reply.
"Hang on! I've never seen you before..." Pinkie began as she leant forwards to stare at Spark.
Twilight's eyes went wide as she suddenly realised where Pinkie was taking this. "No, Pinkie! No!"
"...then that means you're new! And if you're new to Ponyville, then you must not have any friends here..."
"I'm her friend Pinkie. Come on, Spark, lets head back to the library." Twilight put one of her legs around Spark's shoulder and tried to turn her around.
"... and you must feel so sad and lonely..."
"I'm fine, Pinkimina, really,"
Pinkie stopped and looked as if she'd been hit by train. Her eye began to tick crazily as she said, "Did you just call me Pinkimina?"
"Pinkimina Diane Pie, that is your name, isn't it?"
"Hahah! Hah! Hahahaha!" Pinkie threw back her head and laughed in small fits.
Twilight gave up trying to pull Spark and turned to Pinkie. "Pinkie?"
Pinkie laughed again, before turning on her hooves and galloping away.
"Uhh, did I do something wrong?" Spark asked a gobsmacked Twilight.
High in the air above the headquarters of Twilight Incorporated, Pinkimina Diane Pie was not pleased. An angry scowl soured her face as she manoeuvred the small transport craft. The craft barely held the eight security guards she had brought with her, let alone their security armour. Their armour consisted of a kevlar jacket around their chest and four big black boots, along with knee pads. Black helmets sat on their heads with extendable glass visors and "INC" stencilled on their helmets in block white capitals. For a private security force, they were extremely well armed. The guards all carried shoulder mounted scatterguns, loaded with beanbags of course, along with a baton on their hips. This was not the first impromptu party that they had crashed. They had a lot of experience when it came to the matter.
One of the guards was wearing the wrong helmet, and Pinkimina was trying her best to ignore it. It was grating against her mind though; she couldn't focus with that damnable guard in there. Her eye began to tick irately, but she tried to keep it under wraps.
"Are you okay, Ma'am?" one of the guards asked. Pinkimina looked down to see that she was visibly shaking. With a giggle, she noticed the guard that had asked was the one with the silver helmet. Another glance told her that he was also a pegasus. She pushed a button and the door to the craft slid open. Wind whistled as it rushed into the cabin, carrying the biting cold in with it.
The guard looked at the open door then back to the pink earth pony. "Have you gone mad?"
"No! No I have not, but you have. Silver helmets are not part of the dress code. There is a reason you are issued with black helmets." The slightly shaking pink pony poked the guard in the ribs with her hoof.
"I, uh, lost my previous one." He looked up to see Pinkimina advancing on him and backed up slightly.
"Lost? Lost! Oh, that's okay then. You just lost it." Pinkimina's face was alternating between happy and angry in quick spasms.
"I've put in an order for a new one!" the guard said defensively as he found himself stood in front of the open door.
"Not good enough! Consider yourself fired!" Pinkimina shouted as she bucked the guard in the chest and sent him flying out of the craft.
She then exhaled and a gentle smile appeared on her face. With a whistle, she strode back over to the console and pushed the button again. The door slid shut with a satisfying pop as the pressure equalised.
Pinkimina gazed through the window as the small craft approached Twilight's personal dirigible. Two colossal balloons spread out from either side of the craft diagonally. Both were a deep purple and displayed Twilight's cutie mark, along with "INC" in bold white. Suspended from the balloons was a large metal box that spanned five floors. The craft was being pushed along lazily by a series of rear-mounted propellers.
Pinkimina twisted the metal wheel in front of her to direct the craft towards the rooftop landing pad. Down below a few ponies lay in various states of drunkenness. "Remember we are just here for Twilight. However, if you see anypony causing property damage, then I give you permission to stop them," she said calmly without turning.
"Yes, Ma'am!" the guards replied with a salute as she pressed the button.
"So I says, 'I'm drunk, you don't have an excuse!'," a very drunk, red unicorn slurred.
"Whoa, that's pretty deep. Why don't we party more often?" an orange earth pony replied with a puff of smoke.
The unicorn hiccuped loudly, before raising another bottle of wine and tossing it down his throat. "This is a party? Then where's the music?"
As if on cue, a heavy beat suddenly kicked off in the background. Electronic bass pulsating around the cabin. The unicorn looked around in surprise. "Pretty... *hic*... snazzy. Now where's them mares at?" The unicorn looked around expectantly, and found himself surrounded by a pair of security colts. "Meh, I'm not picky," he said as he tried to drag himself up, before collapsing onto the floor.
"You there, where is Twilight Tinker?" one of the guards demanded as he stepped forwards with his baton in his mouth.
"Everything's somewhere, colt," the orange pony replied with yet another puff of smoke.
"Damned hippies." The guard spat on the floor.
"Hey, Five-o. Are you shutting this party down?" somepony called through the fog that had filtered all over the second deck.
"There's no stopping one of Twilight's parties this far in. We just need to speak with the host. There's been a development," the other guard replied.
"Twilight's down in the club on deck five."
"Thank you party-goer," the guard returned and went to leave. He stopped as he noticed his companion was still staring at the orange pony lazily smoking on the sofa. "Hey, Grunt, we gotta go."
"Hrm. Damn hippies," the other guard replied before galloping after the other security guard.
After checking both the guards were gone, a yellow pegasus walked out of the fog. Her pink mane was cut short and tied with a bandanna. "Jack, are we ready to move?"
The orange earth pony took another puff of smoke, before climbing to her hooves. "Point the way, Flutters."
"The guards are here, and we need to hit Twilight before they find her. She's in one of the bedrooms on Deck Three. Remember, we just want to rough her up. You kill her, and you don't get paid."
"I got it. We gotta spread our message of peace with violence, am I right?"
"Someponies gotta stand up to these big corporations. Otherwise, they're just gonna suck the planet dry." Fluttershy raised a hoof and shook it in anger.
"You coming, Demo?" Jack turned her bright green eyes to the red unicorn on the floor.
The pony snored loudly as if in response. "I bought two tickets to the..." he mumbled from the floor.
"You snooze, you lose." Flutters said as she headed off to the elevator.
“Damn Rarity, you sure know your stuff!” Twilight Tinker laughed gruffly.
“Thank you, Twilight,” the white unicorn replied with a distinctly unladylike giggle. “Do you really have to go now? Don’t you want just one more round?” she added coyly.
“Believe me I do, but a multi-million bit business isn’t going to run itself into the ground,” Twilight said before bursting into another hearty laugh. Rarity tilted her head and looked at Twilight quizzically but shook it off.
“It was a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Tinker,” Rarity said with a very diplomatic smile and putting extra stress on the “Mrs”.
Twilight finally took stock of her surroundings. She was sat on a double bed with red covers. If she recalled correctly, that matched the description of the beds in her airship's personnel quarters. The plain painted white walls and a window showing the blue sky outside seemed to confirm this. It was then she noted the absence of a certain grey earth pony."Um, I don't suppose you remember where we left Inky?"
"The geologist?" Rarity bit her lip as she entered thought mode.
"Yeah. She was with us when we picked up DJ Tav3."
"Then we threw that party and invited everypony we could find."
"Didn't she attack that dentist?"
"No, no. I think that was Bolts? I'm pretty sure they had wings."
"Of course, because they did those acrobatic manoeuvres."
"Was she there when we crashed that..." Rarity began when the door suddenly flew off its hinges.
"You! Prepare for a beating like you'd never believe!" a voice bellowed through the open portal. A furious pink pony marched in with two security colts.
"P-p-pinkimina... w-w-what a pleasant surprise," Twilight stuttered as she took a few steps back.
"You! You abandon me in the meeting you force me to go to! Then you sneak out with a director's wife! And to top it all off, you leave my sister alone in a nightclub!" Pinkimina strode forwards, her eyes almost alight with flame. Behind her, the two colts struggled to replace the door.
"L-l-look, I can explain," Twilight backed up to the wall as Pinkie advanced towards her.
"But, that isn't why I'm here."
"It's not?" Twilight looked up hopefully.
"Veil accidentally "lost" one of our scientists. He's requesting your expertise to help him figure out what went wrong."
"I can do that!"
"Yes, well. Get yourself cleaned up and..." The newly replaced door flew off and slammed the two guards to the floor.
"Prepare for trouble," a yellow pegasus said as she strode through the doorway.
"And make it double," an orange earth pony followed her in.
"She's already in trouble. Could I ask you two to come back later?" Pinkimina replied.
"Okay," the earth pony said and turned to walk out.
"Jack!" the pegasi said gruffly.
The orange pony spun on her heels and trotted back in. "Sorry, Flutters."
"Prepare for a beating like you'd never believe!" Flutters said as she cracked her hooves.
"Hey, that's my line!" Pinkamena replied sharply.
"Hey, the door was open and-" a rainbow maned pony trotted into the room and suddenly everything went white.
Two security guards pushed the heavy metal door off of them.
"What just happened?" one asked the other.
"I think they all just disappeared?" the other one replied with a shrug.
"I don't get paid enough for this." The first one sighed again.
Rainbow Dash hurtled through the air; the force of her flight scattering leaves from the trees below as she went. “Gotta go fast!” the blue pegasus shouted as she strained for the extra speed she needed. Behind her trailed her rainbow blaze, evidence that she had already committed her famous sonic rainboom. The blue sky seemed to go on forever. With not a single cloud in the sky; it was a veritable ocean of rich blue. Hurtling under her was a thick forest of green trees that spread out in all directions; there wasn’t a single inch of the ground not covered by the dense foliage.
“Is that all you got, Dash?” a gruff, masculine voice called from up ahead.
Rainbow gritted her teeth as she attempted to force even more speed from her already frantically flapping wings.
“You call that flying? I’ve seen handicapped zebras move faster!” The voice seemed to come from every direction at once now.
Closing her eyes, Rainbow forced the last of her focus onto her beating wings as she tried to coax just a little more speed. Below her, trees bowed themselves over from the sheer force of the sonic waves she was creating as she soared. Her cyan body was glowing white with the build up of energy in her system. The rainbow trail behind her began to degenerate into a trail of fire as the sheer friction set fire to the oxygen in the air; she was a living comet.
“You disappoint me, Dash. I was expecting more from a Rainbow.” The voice was coming right beside her now.
Despite the breakneck speeds, Dash risked opening an eye and gasped. A well built golden pegasus stallion was flying in front of her. His mane and tail were the colour of the rainbow, and his body was bound in an old-fashioned Wonderbolt uniform. His goggles were pushed up to display his purple eyes that burned with fury.
“You’ll never go anywhere unless you give it your all, Dash!”
“I… am,” Rainbow grunted as she struggled to maintain her momentum.
The golden pegasus sighed with disappointment. He easily kept pace with the frantic pegasus using his lazily flapping wings. “You always disappoint, Dash.” The pegasus shook his head and started to fly off ahead of her. Despite her break-neck speeds, he easily outpaced her.
“No! Wait, come back!” Rainbow shouted desperately, somehow squeezing even more speed from her rapidly exhausting body.
The golden pegasus turned once more, and shook his head disappointingly. He then sped off into the distance.
“Wait! Wait up! I can keep up!” she screamed after the rapidly shrinking figure. “I can keep up,” she whispered breathlessly as she rolled to a stop.
“Keep up with who?” another voice said as it appeared from nowhere.
“My dad,” she murmured.
“Oh, that’s great. I could never keep up with my dad. He was really fast. I’m glad that I quit trying.”
This was new. She’d had this recurring nightmare on and off for years, but she’d never heard that second voice. Everything faded to black as Rainbow closed her eyes. When she opened them again everything was white. The lines on her comfy cloud bed slowly filtered into her consciousness. She heard hoofsteps beside her bed. Somepony must be in the house! The intruder’s hooves were whisper quiet on the cloud carpeting, but Rainbow didn’t get to the position of head weather pony in Ponyville for no reason; she could feel the vibrations through her bed. The intruder was approaching her supposedly slumbering form. Calm it, Rainbow. It’s all a matter of timing. The intruder stopped right beside her. Rainbow was waiting for the slightest touch to leap into action; she was a spring waiting to be sprung.
“Wake up, sleepyhead,” the voice said in an alarmingly familiar voice.
Rainbow screwed her eyes up tighter as faces flew past her inner eyelids. Definitely not Pinkie. Twilight? I don’t think so. Applejack can’t get up here. Fluttershy’s voice is way too soft. It could be Ditzy; I wouldn’t put it past her to fly into my house in the early morning for no reason.
“Are you ok? Do you need any help?” the voice asked.
The voice was definitely female, and it seemed to break in the middle. Noponies voice broke like that… nopony but… Rainbow Dash! Rainbow wrenched open her eyes and leapt to her hooves to see another of her stood right beside her bed. “What? Who are you? What are you doing here? Are you a spy?” Rainbow advanced on the other Rainbow, prodding her in the chest with a hoof.
“I’m Rainbow Crash!” The pony said brightly before narrowing her eyes and casting a suspicious gaze at the other pony. “Who is Rainbow Dash, and what does she want with me?”
Dash took note of the huge gap in Crash’s brief smile where her front teeth appeared to be missing. “I’m Rainbow Dash! And I want you to get out of my house!”
“Oh.” The pony looked down at the floor. “Did I do something wrong?”
“You broke into my house! Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t clobber you!” Dash shouted angrily as she pulled up her forehooves threateningly.
“I just appeared here. I’m sorry. I’ll go now,” Crash hung her head and began to trot to the door.
Crash turned around and Dash noticed her cutie mark: A funky helmet with a large explosion of rainbow behind it. Her body was also covered in scars, and entire patches of fur were missing in places to show the bruised skin underneath.I'm still angry, but anypony who had a cutie mark that cool couldn’t possibly be evil, right?
“Wait a second, Crash,” Rainbow said with a sigh.
“Yeah?” Crash turned back around the face Dash.
“You look a lot like me, and your cutie mark is almost on the same level as mine. Are we related?”
“I dunno. I never met my mum, and my dad was a Wonderbolt.”
“Which one?”
“Rainbow Star.”
“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!”
Applejack kicked backwards, slamming her hooves into the thick wooden bark of the tree. The tree yielded with a mighty shake as it released a clutch of dark green apples from its wooden grasp. A yellow filly was suddenly there with a basket as she hopped in front of them. The apples landed neatly in the basket, earning two smiles from the tired mares. The sun was still in the process of rising; the large red orb caressed the air as it rose, tickling it into shades of orange and pink.
Apple Bloom let out a wide yawn. “Ah’m so tired, sis. Ah shudn’t be up this early on a school day.”
“Big Mac’s birthday only comes along once a year. Miss Cheerilee’ll understand if you’re tired in class. Besides, these apples are gunna look mighty fine in a pie,” Applejack said. She took a quick glance inside the basket with a broad smile on her face. It wasn’t every day that Granny Smith made her famous apple pie.
“Ah jus’ hope that Big Mac is gunna like what I got ‘im,” Apple Bloom replied with an excited hop.
The two ponies turned as one and started the long trot back to the farm house.
“Ah don’t see why he wouldn’t. Big Macintosh always had a thing for them plushies.”
“Ah jus’ dun…” Apple Bloom began when she suddenly found a hoof pressed to her lips. “…mrghle, phargle,” she finished unhappily. Applejack gave her a sharp look and pointed with a hoof towards a bush that appeared to be rustling. Apple Bloom’s irritated expression was suddenly replaced with one of fear as her eyes went into wide mode.
“Dun’ worry little sis, Ah’ve got it,” Applejack whispered as she started to sneak over to the bush. The rustling became more exaggerated, and Applejack froze in place.
A small orange snout fought its way through the tangle of bush, followed by a sickly orange face and a mop of untidy blond hair. “I musta taken a wrong turn at Ponequerque,” the mouth said as a hoof emerged from the undergrowth the rub its forehead. A pair of eyes suddenly blinked open to reveal two large, bloodshot irises. With a shake an orange earth pony managed to force the rest of itself from the bush.
Applejack picked up a large branch with one of her hooves and stood tall. “What’cha think you’re doin on our land!” she shouted angrily.
“Whoa mare, how can you like own the ground?” the pony slurred as it lifted up its hooves to rub its eyes again.
“Hey mare, are those apples?” the intruder took a few stumbling steps towards the abandoned basket. “Awesome, I’ve got a serious case of the munchies.”
“Whoa, hold it right there, mysterious mare. Ya can’t come waltzin’ onto our land an’ start snackin’ on our apples!” Applejack held out a pair of hooves to stop the orange pony. Then again, the pony did look pretty skinny, in fact, famished was a better word.
The pony was now walking in place as it tried to step towards the basket only to be stopped by AJ’s hooves. “I think I’m still tripping, mare. Every time I take a step forwards, it’s like I’m taking one back too. Or maybe the world is like, totally moving towards me.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes as she stared at the strange pony. “Are you okay there, pardner?”
“Absolutely peachy! No wait, the other one. Everything’s blackcurrant.” The pony said happily, and then just flopped down onto the ground.
Apple Bloom galloped over to the fallen mare. “Ah you okay?” she asked concernedly as she poked the orange pony in the stomach with her hoof. “Ah think she’s dead, sis!” Apple Bloom said as her eyes managed to somehow grow even wider.
“Ah’m sure she’s just fainted,” Applejack said as she crouched down to poke the mare. The mare looked familiar. She couldn’t place her hoof on it, but something was very familiar about her. Maybe it was something in tha-
“Freak the freak out!” The mare suddenly shouted as she jumped up.
Applejack reacted purely on instinct, and smashed her around the face with a branch. The orange pony flew straight back down to the ground and landed in an ungraceful tangle of limbs. Her flank stuck up in the air with a clear image of some kind of green plant leaf sat on a pillow.
“Consarn’ it!” Applejack shouted angrily as he she tossed the branch to the ground.
“Ya just belted ‘er round the face!” Apple Bloom shouted accusingly.
“She had it comin’ to her! Nopony goes around and tries to scare Applejack. Nothing scares me!”
“Din’t ya used to be afraid of Zecora?”
“Hush it, Apple Bloom. Get the basket of apples. I can’t just leave somepony out here in that condition, even if she did cause it.”
Apple Bloom grumbled something under her breath as she trotted over to the basket and picked it up in her mouth. When she turned back around, Applejack had somehow gotten the mare onto her back. Applejack continued the trot back to the farmhouse with Apple Bloom hopping along behind her.
Fluttershy hummed a song as she tended to her animals in the outdoor pens. The little animals loved an early morning breakfast, and it was much easier to feed them now than when they’d just woken up. The soft tune continued as she put her hoof into a basket full of fish and placed them gently outside of a set of small burrows. A series of excited squeaks emanated from the holes as a group of ferrets dashed outside to grab some grub.
“Stop right there!” a hard voice shouted from behind her.
Fluttershy dropped the basket to the floor with a squeak.
“Who do you think you are, picking on defenceless animals like this? I’m gonna kick your flank!” Fluttershy span around to see an angry yellow pegasus stomping towards her. A red bandana sat on her head with an extremely short-cut pink mane on top of it. Black face paint was lined under her eyes in two thick strips.
Fluttershy fell to the floor in fright. “No! Wait! I-I was ju… just feeding them,” Fluttershy whimpered.
“Oh.” The pegasus instantly deflated. “Well you shouldn’t do that either. They’re never going to be self-dependent if you feed them.”
“B-b-but they’re all hurt. They can’t… can’t feed themselves,” Fluttershy mumbled behind a veil of tears.
“Still, nature shouldn’t be contained like this. Injuries are Faust’s way of weaning out the weak. In the end, it all makes them stronger.” The pegasus turned around and picked up a discarded fish, before tossing it into one of the holes. Fluttershy noted that on her flank was an image of a five-pronged red star.
“I-I don’t agree.” Fluttershy slowly sat back on her haunches.
“Hmm?” the strange pegasi replied.
“T-the weak are just as important as the strong. All life is sacred.”
“Really? Do you honestly believe that?” The pegasus laughed. “Life is a competition and that is the kind of thing a loser would say!”
“I-I’m not a loser,” Fluttershy squeaked almost inaudibly.
“Keep telling yourself that and maybe one day you won’t be. Still, you’ve shown you’re one of the few ponies that still cares about nature. That's good in my books. What’s your name kid?” The pegasus held out a hoof.
“Meep!” Fluttershy squeaked again and fell backwards.
“Meep? That’s a pretty terrible name. Anyway, Meep, I’m sure you understand how bleak our future is. With the rate that these corporations are tearing through our natural resources, the planet will be barren in a matter of centuries.”
Fluttershy pushed herself back up lightly. “A-a-actually my name is…”
The pegasus continued her speech which drowned out Fluttershy’s small voice. “It is our duty as ponies to take care of this planet. I can only carry this burden so far, Meep.”
“I-I-I can see…”
“Equestria has been on this slippery slope for the past two hundred years. Only now are we seeing the true extent of their hubris. The planet is dying.” The pegasus said, a fire filling her eyes with power and passion.
“Celestia would never let that happen.”
“What’s that, Meep?”
“Celestia. The ruler of Equestria.”
“Did somepony finally replace Blueblood? It seems that incompetent foal couldn’t even make a good puppet for the board.” The pegasus sneered.
“No, Blueblood is still the prince. Celestia’s been ruler of Equestria for millennia.”
“So the rumours are true. The Poniati do rule in secret!” The pegasus slammed her forehoof onto her other forehoof, with a resounding smack.
“No. I didn’t mean…”
“Hmm. We’ll need to head to the nearest library. There’s bound to be a book there that’ll help us. Isn’t there always? Come, Meep! To the nearest place of learning!” The pegasus shouted as she grabbed Fluttershy’s hoof and dragged her along with her into Ponyville.
“Meep!” Fluttershy squeaked.
Rarity threaded a needle through the fabric, twisting it in and out of the holes as she drew the string tight. The fabric tightened around a small white unicorn filly, who flinched in response.
“Hold still, Sweetie Belle. One slip and I’ll get blood all over your new dress,” Rarity snapped.
“I don’t need a new dress! It’ll just get all mucky and yucky like my other ones,” Sweetie Belle whined in response.
Rarity rolled her eyes as she levitated another line of silver thread from the wheel and cut it with a pair of scissors. “That’s because you wore the other ones out crusading. I’ve learnt my lesson, and this dress is only to leave the boutique with my permission.”
“What’s the point in having a dress if I’m not going to wear it?”
“Of course you can wear it, Sweetie. Just not outside of the Boutique. Or in the kitchen, I don’t want you getting food on it. Or in the bathroom, water could ruin the fabric. Or in your bedroom, that room is always a mess.”
Rarity was entirely focused on threading the needle when a voice suddenly made her jump.
“With a dress like that, she should wear it all around town.”
“Oh, a customer! I’m sorry, but I’m with a client. I’ll be with you in one moment. That is, if you don’t mind, Sweetie.”
Sweetie sighed loudly. “Fine. I’ll just wait here in this dumb fabric.” She moaned.
“Wonderful!” Rarity beamed as she placed the unthreaded needle back on the table and trotted over to the newcomer. “Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where everything is…” she began, but stopped when she noticed the pony in front of her.
A stunning, marshmallow white coated unicorn stood in front of her. Her mane and tail were neatly layered in three different shades of regal purple, and styled in a twisted braid in such a way that all three were visible. Her eyes moved up to the neatly manicured white horn and back down to the sparkling blue eyes. “D-Do I know you?” she asked quietly.
“Lady Rarity,” the unicorn said as she offered her hoof.
“………….”
“I understand this is a Boutique, yes? I would like a new sunhat,” Lady said unperturbed by the similarities between them.
“O-of course, Milady,” Rarity said with a curtsy.
“Very good. I want a dazzling white one that matches my coat, but it has to feature blue gemstones somewhere on it, preferably star sapphires. It must have a purple feather and some purple velvet around the brim…” the unicorn trailed on as she strolled into the shop proper in search of hats. Rarity noted that her cutie mark was a hoof grabbing a diamond.
“This hat simply has to be the best hat you have. You do take credit here, correct?”
“Credit? I’m afraid we only take bits.”
“Bits? I don’t have any bits on me! This is supposed to be a modern boutique!” Lady pulled a luxurious white hoofbag from out of nowhere and unzipped it. She then levitated out a diamond studded purse, with solid gold clasp, and popped it open. “Apparently Master Card isn’t for everything. Hang on, I’ve got five hundred clovers.” Lady levitated out a wad of green pieces of paper with large numbers printed on them. “Do you have an exchange office nearby?”
“The post office might do it for you,”
“Okay, thank you.” Lady made to leave but stopped at the door. “I don’t suppose you could point me to the post office?”
Rarity struggled against her innate desire to lend this pony a helping hoof. She knew it was futile though. She sighed quietly and then put on her winning smile. “I could show you if you want me to?”
“Oh, I’ll be ever so thankful, darling.”
Rarity trotted over to Lady and the front door. “If you’d follow me then,” she said politely as she strode outside.
In the room above the bakery, a pink pony sat on a pink bed in a pink room. Excitedly crayoned drawings lined the walls with basic yet pleasing pictures of different ponies. All manner of random items covered every available surface. The pink pony was not feeling particularly perky at the current moment in time.
“Pinkamena Diane Pie. Who even told her that? Noponies called me that since I moved out of Rockdale.” Pinkie muttered to herself.
“Then what do I call you?” a voice said making her look up. In front of her was… herself. The same pink shaded mane and coat colour. However, her mane and tail were straightened out, and a pair of thick rimmed glasses sat on the pony’s face.
“Oh no,” Pinkie whispered.
“I’m Pinkamena Diane Pie. What is your name?” the pony tried again.
“No! I thought I got rid of you! We have nothing to discuss! Get back in my head!” Pinkie shouted deliriously.
"I see that we aren’t going to get anywhere like this,” Pinkamena sighed. She turned around and examined the room around her. All she could see was mess. Mess everywhere. Objects in places that they shouldn’t be. Objects with no places to go. Objects everywhere. Mess everywhere.
Pinkie was too busy having a panic attack to recognise the fact that Pinkamena was about to join her. “Mess! Mess! This room has no order whatsoever!”
Pinkie hugged herself into a foetal ball and rolled around the bed. From around her, she could hear the sound of draws opening and closing. Somepony was muttering incessantly as objects were picked up and dropped with a frightening frequency. Pinkie hugged herself even tighter and tried to focus on her currently fragile mental state.
Several minutes later, Pinkie finally regained her composure and unfurled to see her room looking completely different. A somehow still immaculate pink earth pony had somehow acquired a cloth and some polish, and was busy wiping over the dresser. There was no way that a figment of her imagination could have cleaned her room.
Pinkie pulled a cupcake out from nowhere and took a big bite. The pink frosting caressed her tongue and sent spirals of pure, sugar based energy shooting through her veins. Another bite and the cupcake was gone. “Wowiee! How did you do that!” she shouted excitedly, her usual demeanour returning at the behest of sugary treats.
Pinkamena turned around to see that Pinkie had perked up. “Oh, you’re back again. I simply alphabetised your cabinets. A to H is in that wardrobe over there, I-N is in the chest of drawers, and O-Z is in that box of junk over there.” Pinkamena pointed to a pink chest emblazoned with balloons.
“Isn’t that box so boxy!” Pinkie hopped off the bed and landed perfectly on her four hooves. With a series of hops she was at the chest. “That’s real everwood, you know.”
“Now that the room is clean, we can have a proper conversation. We are the same pony, correct?”
“No, silly! I’m a Pinkie Pie. You’re a Pinkamena.”
“Superficially. Our names are the same, you responded to Pinkamena when you came in. What you choose to be called is a different matter entirely. I presume that according to all legal documents, you are still Pinkamena?”
Pinkie Pie began to shuffle uncomfortably. “Maybe,” she retorted sharply. “Doesn’t matter anyway. I’m 100% Pinkie Pie!” she finished excitedly as she grabbed another cupcake from nowhere and tossed into the open mouth. “Yum!”
“Of course it matters. I appeared here from out of nowhere, with a big gap in my memory only to see an alternate version of myself. You see where I’m going with this?”
“Oh my gosh! You’re my evil twin!” Pinkie gabbed in excitement.
Pinkamena facehoofed. “No, Pinkie. I am an alternate version of you from a different reality. That’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“That’s exactly what an evil twin would say! I’m onto you, Pinkamena!” Pinkie hopped over to the other pink pony and leaned forwards.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting my eye on you! Duh!” Pinkie said.
“No… look. You still work for Twilight, right?”
“Twilight’s my bestest friend! Well, one of my bestest friends anyway. There’s also Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity.”
Pinkamena nodded at the names until she heard on she recognised. “Rarity? As in Lady Rarity?”
“Well, I don’t know anypony who calls her that except herself, but yep!” Pinkie said without blinking. Her huge orbs focused exclusively on the pony directly in front of her.
“Could you please stop staring?”
“Do you promise not to do anything evil?”
“What?” Pinkamena demanded incredulously. Pinkie’s stare continued to burn metaphoric holes in her retinas. “Okay! Okay. I promise I won’t do anything evil.”
“Pinkie Promise?”
“What in…” Pinkamena began before letting out a heavy sigh. “Fine. I Pinkie Promise not to do anything evil.
Pinkie shook her head in response. “Nuh uh, you gotta do the actions.”
Pinkamena’s left eyebrow began to tick angrily. “What are the actions?”
Pinkie took a step back, but kept her eyes on her name-twin. “Cross your heart,” Pinkie put her hooves over her heart. “And hope to fly,” Pinkie fluttered her hooves like wings. “Stick a cupcake,” Pinkie stretched her hoof out in front of her as if an imaginary baked treat was sat in it. “In your eye.” she finished by pushing her hoof into her eye socket and stopping nanometres from the white iris. “Your turn!” she said with an excited hop.
Despite nearly removing one of her eyes, she had somehow managed to keep them both open and staring for the entire display. Pinkamena didn’t whether to admire her dedication, or fear her insanity. Pinkamena sighed heavily for the third time in a minute. “Cross your heart and hope to fly; stick a cupcake in your eye.” As she said it she performed the actions, even mimicking Pinkie’s game of ocular chicken.
“Okay, I trust you then Pinkamena.” Pinkie said with a nod. She then reached up and pulled a fake pair of eyes off of her eyes, and tossed them to the side. Pinkamena stared, mouth agape, at the extremely realistic pair of fake eyes. “Those things always give me the eye sweats,” Pinkie said happily. Pinkie hopped over to the hallway door and pulled it open.
“Coming?” she called back.
“You were wearing fake eyes!” Pinkamena shouted angrily after managing to find her voice.
“Still want to see Twilight?” she said with an adept topic dodge.
“Fine. I’m coming,” Pinkamena grumbled as she trotted over to the door and through it. Pinkie noted that on her flank sat a picture of a clipboard with some kind of metal tube prodding it.
“Okay, Spark. This should send you back. I just have to focus on your version of me, and anchor myself to her. You should reappear right next to her.” Twilight Sparkle said as she levitated the pages of the book in front of her.
“Um, isn’t this just a basic teleportation spell?” Spark replied from behind her mountain of equipment.
“At one point it was. I’ve weaved it with the spell from that book I mentioned yesterday, the one on alternate universes. It allows you to see into another universe. I’ve also added a returning home spell for good measure. So in theory, this should bridge the universes temporarily whilst teleporting you home.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” Spark shrugged. Her knowledge of magical theory was almost as bad as Smithy’s accent.
“Right, now stand very still.” Twilight stuck her tongue out to the side and bit on it lightly in deep concentration.
“Gotcha.”
Twilight’s horn began to glow with purple light, which slowly increased in intensity. The book she had been trying to hold in front of her careened wildly out of the window, flying miles into Ponyville market and smashing Spike on the head with a perfect shot.
“Was that meant to happen?” Spark asked nervously.
Twilight didn’t reply as her eyes began to glow with white energy. The energy from her horn was now completely opaque and a very deep purple.
“Uh, Twilight?” Spark took a slow step backwards.
“Don’t move!” A voice bellowed from Twilight’s mouth. Twilight’s voice was definitely at the core of it, but it was magnified and guttural. Suffice to say, Spark started to back away even faster.
“No! If you move then the anchors will…” Twilight began before being illuminated in a very large white bubble of magical energy. The roar of powerful magic filled the room, then silence.
Spark peered around the doorframe she had covered behind. Twilight looked like she’d knocked herself out. The purple unicorn was lying face down on the floor.
“Twilight!” Spark called as she galloped over to the collapsed unicorn.
“Ah, bloody hell. What did I drink last night?” the purple mound replied in a muffled voice.
