Two Crystal Ponies go to Ponyville
“Psst!”
Bill-John woke up in a bed that may or may not have belonged to him. “Who said that?” he asked.
Silence filled the room. “Oh, are you talking to me?”
“Yes. Who are you?”
“I’m Ralph,” said Ralph.
“Ralph is dead!” exclaimed Bill-John.
“What!?” Ralph looked over to where the mirror was, but it was too dark for him to see himself. "Oh no! You're right!"
“Wait, that was just a dream. Hold on, why are you in my house?”
“I was just about to ask you that…”
“Ask me why you’re in my house, or why I’m in your house?”
“You’re in my house?”
“Is this even one of our houses?”
Ralph turned on the light.
“Ralph! You’re alive!” Bill-John jumped out of the bed in excitement.
“I thought you said it was just a dream…”
“How do you know what I was dreaming?” Bill-John took a step away from Ralph.
“I have my ways.”
Both ponies narrowed their eyes at each other. “Is that a picture frame over there?” asked Bill-John.
“Yes, it is, Bill-John!” Ralph pointed accusingly at Bill-John.
“How do you know my name!?”
“We’re friends.”
“Oh yeah. What’s in the picture frame?”
Ralph looked at the frame. “A picture.”
“Just as I suspected…" Bill-John rubbed his chin. "What’s in the picture?”
“A happy family.”
Bill-John's eyes widened a bit. “This isn’t my house, Ralph.”
“How do you know?”
“My family isn’t happy," said Bill-John.
“That’s sad, Bill-John.”
“I don’t even have a family.”
“That’s almost impossible.”
“I remember frowns.”
Ralph looked at Bill-John questioningly. “I thought your brother always smiled, Bill-John.”
“I don’t remember telling you that I have a brother.”
“You don’t remember many things, Hugh.”
“My name’s Bill-John.”
“I must have forgotten.”
An alarm clock went off.
“Oh no!” Ralph looked worried.
“What is it, Ralph?” asked Bill-John.
“We’re supposed to be boarding the train to Ponyville in two hours!”
“We have two hours, Ralph.”
“But what about the sack lunches we have to make?”
Bill-John pointed at the clock. “We have two hours.”
“We also have to read ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ to the children at the local library,” said Ralph with a smile on his face.
“I don’t remember agreeing to do that.”
“That’s what it says on this calendar.”
“This isn’t even one of our houses.”
“Whose house is this?” asked Ralph.
“Who’s in the picture?”
Ralph looked at the picture again. “It’s a painting of a log cabin in the wilderness.”
“I thought you said it was a happy family...”
“I changed my mind, Bill-John.”
“You’re altering history, Ralph!”
“The world is in my hooves, Bill-John!”
“With great power comes great responsibility.”
“I can’t do it, Bill-John; I don’t want responsibilities.”
“What do you want, Ralph?”
“I want to go to Ponyville.”
“Why?” asked Bill-John.
“There were tickets next to the calendar.”
“Are we stealing tickets to Ponyville, Ralph?”
“YOLO!”
“No-no.”
“Yeah, I’m ashamed of myself. And we’re not stealing, Bill-John; we’re only borrowing them.”
“How so?”
“We’ll return them after we come back.”
“That’s a solid plan, Ralph.”
“I’m full of solid things, Bill-John.”
Bill-John narrowed his eyes again.
“Let’s go!” said Ralph.
“Yeah!” agreed Bill-John.
The two Crystal Pony friends had a two hour journey over to the train station.
“I thought we wouldn’t make it here in time,” said Bill-John.
“Neither did I. I didn’t know clowns could be so scary.” Ralph trembled with fear.
“There was a clown?”
“All aboard!” the conductor yelled out to everypony.
The two Crystal Ponies boarded the train.
“Let’s go to Ponyville, Bill-John!” Ralph said with a smile.
“Yeah! Wait, how far away is Ponyville?” asked Bill-John.
“Too far away to count.”
“To count what?”
Ralph silently stared at Bill-John.
“Did I say something wrong?” asked Bill-John.
“I can’t remember how to count.” Ralph frowned.
“You start with one...” Bill-John held up his right hoof.
“Yeah?”
“... and you go up from there.” Bill-John raised his hoof higher into the air.
“I knew it!” Ralph said excitedly.
“But you forgot?”
“I forgot that I knew.”
“Oh. That happens sometimes.”
The train left the station.
“Are we there yet?” asked Ralph.
“We just left the station, Ralph,” said Bill-John.
“Let’s play a game while we wait.”
“What game shall we play?”
“The silent game.” Ralph stared at Bill-John.
“That game sucks.”
“You lose!”
“You never said it started.”
“We’ve been playing it all day, Bill-John.”
“How does that make any sense?”
“We’ve both been failing pretty hard at it.”
“When did we even start it in the first place?”
“Just a few seconds ago.”
“But you just said that we were playing it all day…”
“Shh…”
“Okay…”
“Hey, we’re going through a tunnel, Bill-John!”
“I thought tunnels were extinct!”
“No, it’s a tunnel, Bill-John.”
“Oooooohhh!”
“What’d you think I said?”
Bill-John looked out the window. “There are some things that not even a friend such as yourself can hear, Ralph. I was born and raised in a dumpster.”
“Was that something that I shouldn’t have heard?” asked Ralph.
“Did you hear it?”
“I did.”
“Don’t be surprised if you’re attacked by ninjas.”
“After what happened to Martha, I’m not surprised by anything.”
“May she rest in peace.” Ralph lowered his head in sadness.
"Who says she's dead?"
"Nopony."
“Oh. Anyway, I was born and raised in a dumpster.”
“You already said that.”
“Patience, Ralph. My mother was a hamster and my father smelt of elderberries.”
“I’ve heard that before…”
“No you haven’t; you just heard it now. For the first time.”
“I’m watching you, Bill-John.”
“I know.”
“I know you know that I’m watching you.”
“I know that you know that I know that you’re watching me.”
“Let’s end this right here right now, Bill-John.”
“Bring it, Ralph!”
Both ponies began eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
“I was pretty hungry, Bill-John," Ralph said before taking a bite.
“Me too. I’m glad we settled our differences with sandwiches, Ralph.”
“We’re different?”
“Yeah. I’m Bill-John, and you’re Ralph.”
“But other than that we’re the same, right?” Ralph looked at his hooves.
“We’re different ponies.”
“I thought we were clones with different names…”
“We don’t even look the same, Ralph.”
“I haven’t seen myself recently, Bill-John.”
“Don’t you have some mirrors in your house?”
“My mom told me that mirrors steal your soul.” Ralph trembled with fear.
“That’s cameras, Ralph," said Bill-John.
“Oh… What do mirrors do, then?”
“They make you look fat. Wait, no; that’s also cameras.”
“Cameras are mean.”
“There’s a camera over there, Ralph.”
“Where!?”
“That mare has one around her neck.”
Ralph looked at the mare. “It’s strangling her!”
“Oh no! We’ve gotta save her!”
Ralph and Bill-John walked over to the mare. “Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.” Bill-John was poking the mare with his hoof with every ‘hey’.
“Stop touching me,” said the mare.
“Sorry…” Bill-John kept his hooves to himself. “Hey. Hey Hey. Hey.”
“Is there something you need!?” The mare asked in annoyance.
“Jeez! We’re trying to save your life, miss!”
“‘We’?”
“My friend and I.”
The mare turned her head and came face-to-face with Ralph, who was sitting right next to her. “Hi,” said Ralph.
“Aaah!” The mare smacked Ralph as she jumped out of her seat and landed in the one directly across from her. Bill-John sat where she once was. “You’re not saving me; you’re scaring me to death!”
“Ponies can get scared to death?” asked Ralph, rubbing his face where the mare had hit him.
“I got scared two days ago. Am I dead?” asked Bill-John.
“No, you’re not dead…” said the mare. “Who are you two idiots?”
“Oh, how rude of us. I’m Bill-John, and this here is my partner, Ralph.” Bill-John gestured towards Ralph.
“Hey, I’m Ralph, and this is-”
“He already introduced you,” said the mare.
“Oh…”
“And by ‘partners’, do you mean… You know…”
Bill-John and Ralph stared at the mare without a word.
“Know what?” asked Bill-John.
“Are you two together?” asked the mare.
“Yeah; we’re together right now. See? Ralph is sitting right next to me…”
“I think she might be blind, Bill-John,” whispered Ralph.
“I’m not blind. Why would I have a camera if I was blind?”
“She makes a valid point, Ralph,” said Bill-John.
“But she still has a camera, Bill-John…” Ralph scooted away from the mare.
“Oh yeah…”
“What do you two have against cameras?” asked the mare.
“They hurt ponies,” said Ralph.
“Does it not look like I’m completely fine?”
“Hmmm… You do look okay at the moment…” Ralph looked at Bill-John. “The camera isn’t attacking anypony, Bill-John.”
“The camera only does what I make it do…”
“So you’re saying that you control the camera?”asked Bill-John.
“Yeah.”
“Ralph, I think we should stick with her in Ponyville; she can protect us with her camera.”
“Good idea, Bill-John,” said Ralph.
“Sooooo…” Bill-John looked at the mare.
“You want to follow me around Ponyville?” asked the mare.
“How did you know?” Bill-John turned to Ralph. “She’s magical, Ralph.”
“She doesn’t even have a horn, Bill-John! How does she do it!?” Ralph quickly looked at the mare. “What am I thinking right now?”
“What?” asked the mare.
“There’s no way! No way, Bill-John! You told her, didn’t you!?”
“I didn’t, Ralph! I swear!” Bill-John yelled.
The mare facehoofed. “You two are complete idiots.”
Ralph lifted up his half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “What am I holding in my hoof?”
“A sandwich?”
The three ponies were silent as Ralph slowly ate the rest of his sandwich.
“Okay, you know what? You two won’t be able to survive two steps in Ponyville by yourselves. I’m surprised that you even made it onto the train.”
“Thank you,” said Bill-John.
“You can come with me.”
“We’re saved!”
Ralph stood on his seat. “Rejoice, my fellow ponies, for we will be safe with this mare and her camera! We will survive our visit to Ponyville! Hip-hip!”
Nopony finished his cheer.
“My name’s Sigma,” said the mare.
“Hello, Sigma. I’m Bill-John, and this shifty-looking fellow is-”
“You’ve already introduced yourselves.”
“Oh yeah.”
“Shifty-looking?” Ralph frowned.
“It means that you have that cool look to you… You know, that shifty look. You just shift around like the cool cat you are.”
Sigma looked very unamused. “That’s not what it means at all.”
“It’s not?” asked Bill-John.
“Nope.”
“Oh well.”
“That’s it? You don’t want to know what it means?”
“What what means?” Bill-John stared at Sigma.
“Shifty.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sigma.”
“You just called Ralph shifty…”
“I don’t remember such a name being given to me,” said Ralph.
“But… You just…”
“I don’t know who you were calling an idiot earlier, but you’re definitely not one.”
“... Thanks?...”
“It’s what I do, Sigma.” Ralph smiled.
“We are now arriving at Ponyville Station!” the conductor called out.
“We’re here!” Bill-John said excitedly.
“Yay!” Ralph started stomping his hooves on the floor in joy.
“What were you two planning on doing in Ponyville, anyway?” asked Sigma.
“Uuuuhhh…” Bill-John looked at Ralph.
“Visit Ponyville?” Ralph looked out the window.
“Yeah, but what were you going to do while visiting?” Sigma raised an eyebrow.
“Walk around… Look at ponies… Stand… Eat… You know; what everypony else does while visiting Ponyville.” Bill-John smiled.
“You have no idea what anypony does in Ponyville, do you?”
“Not a clue.”
“Well, we’re just gonna do what you do, Sigma,” said Ralph.
“I live here,” said Sigma.
“Then we live here, too.”
“You’re not living with me.”
“Awww…” Bill-John and Ralph pouted.
“What? You don’t think I’m just gonna change my mind about that, do you?”
“We’ll behave! We promise!” pleaded Bill-John.
“Yeah! We’ll wash each other and feed each other… All you have to do is watch over us so we don’t get into trouble,” said Ralph.
“Do you do that often?”
“Live with other ponies? I don’t know, actually. Just this morning, though-”
“No, I meant do you two clean and feed each other often?”
“It depends on the situation,” said Bill-John.
“What do you mean by that?”
“There was this one time when Ralph ate every single ear of corn that has ever existed.”
“... What?...”
“His body didn’t like it as much as he did, so it put him in a coma.”
“Oh my Celestia…”
“I had to wash him and feed him for five months.”
“I don’t know what to say…” Sigma's ears lowered.
“It was fun,” said Ralph.
“It was,” agreed Bill-John.
“How do you even feed a comatose pony?” asked Sigma.
“It wasn't easy, especially since the doctors kept on having me be thrown out of the hospital.”
“And did you just say that it was fun, Ralph?”
“I did,” said Ralph.
“How would you even know? You were in a coma…”
“I was!?”
Sigma looked at Bill-John. “He doesn't know that he was in a coma!?”
“I guess I forgot to tell him,” said Bill-John.
“But didn't the doctors explain that to him?”
“Oh, I took him out of the hospital so I could feed him.”
“How is he even alive!?”
A stallion walked up to the three ponies and stared at them.
“What are you looking at?” asked Sigma.
“You need to get out.”
“... Oh…”
Bill-John and Ralph leapt out of the train and happily pranced around.
“It’s so warm here!” said Bill-John.
“I know! Look at that grass! It’s so green!” said Ralph.
“And that mare over there! She’s so beautiful!”
Sigma stepped out of the train. “Aren't the mares in the Crystal Empire good-looking?”
“Not since I lost my love,” said Bill-John.
“Oh… I’m sorry…”
“Sweet, sweet Martha…”
“She was foalnapped by a crazy spy pony,” said Ralph.
“I can still see her fluffy pink mane… That menace!”
“Did you just say ‘fluffy pink mane’?” asked Sigma.
“I did.”
“You must be talking about Pinkie Pie.”
“Who is this pink-one you speak of?” asked Bill-John.
“Pinkie Pie helps out at Sugarcube Corner.”
“I will have my revenge against the pink-one!” Bill-John started running down the street.
“Wait! You don’t understand! She’s not a foalnapper! She wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
Bill-John stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. “Anypony would hurt a fly, Sigma. Even a fly would hurt a fly. But Martha was no fly. She was a mare as beautiful as that one over there.” Bill-John pointed at a mannequin in the window of Carousel Boutique.
“That’s a manne-”
“So soft-looking…” Bill-John cut Sigma off. “But a little rough around the edges; just the way I like it! She’s probably in some dark dungeon wondering where she is right now… Wondering where I am…”
Meanwhile, in the Crystal Empire...
Martha was in her garden planting some flowers when her friend, Sun Ray, walked up to her. “Hey, Martha,” said Sun Ray.
“Hey, Sun,” replied Martha. “It’s a nice day for gardening, isn’t it?”
“Definitely; I actually just got done planting some strawberries.”
“That’s nice. Did you know that strawberries aren’t actually berries?”
“I did know that.”
“Quite a peculiar fact.”
“Quite.” Sun Ray admired her friend’s garden. “Say, do you know where Bill-John is?”
“Who?”
Back in Ponyville…
“It’s time for me to go to this fabled ‘Sugarcube Corner’ and finish what the pink-one started.” Bill-John turned around and stood there, staring down the street.
“It’s that building that looks like a giant pastry,” said Sigma.
“Thanks,” said Bill-John.
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret later, Bill-John…”
“Shh…” started Ralph. “This is Bill-John’s time now, Sigma. Let him go.”
“But somepony could get hurt!”
“Don’t worry, Sigma; he wouldn’t even hurt a fly.”
Sigma glared at Ralph, then smacked the back of his head.
“Ow! What was that for!?” Ralph rubbed the spot where Sigma hit him.
“For being an idiot! Now, let’s go stop him!”
Sigma and Ralph dashed after Bill-John.
