The Clandestine Clydesdale Case Files: The Heist of Harmony

by The Glass

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Diamond Dogs, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 8377

There's a case of capital importance in Canterlot, and a P.I. recently moved to Ponyville is called in by Celestia herself.

Private Investigator Clandestine Clear has recently moved to Ponyville to find a new set of mysteries without the constraints of police regulations. After the Ponyville police department shoos him away from his first case, he receives a summons from Celestia.

Published 2013-08-10 07:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-16 03:51:02 UTC

Summons

It was a typical late autumn evening for the little village known as Ponyville. The summer birds were singing one last chorus before flying south, the trees were freshly bare from the Running of the Leaves a few days prior, and the first nip of winter wind was just tangible beneath the warmth of the brilliant crimson sunset. Most of the village ponies had retreated to their houses for a supper of freshly picked autumn crops; only a few pegasus sunset artists and the occasional late diner were still out and about. I was in my office, wrapping up my file on the Bungle Boy case, a petty thievery of an amulet from Filthy Rich by some diamond dogs which constituted my first case since setting up shop in Ponyville a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, the Ponyville Police Force jumped on the crime and took the reins before I could find the amulet itself. I should probably introduce myself: Private Investigator Clandestine Clear, dark tan of coat and brown of mane with hints of early graying. I used to be a crack detective in the Royal Law Corps., but I struck out on my own so as not to be chained by the book of regulations. This was by all accounts a peaceful time, but one for me about to be shattered by my biggest case since becoming a P.I.

About six o’ the clock Spike, the young dragon assistant of one Twilight Sparkle, who was local librarian, Bearer of Magic, and protégé of the princess, burst through the front door of my cottage on the outskirts of Poneyville, barely managing to stay on his feet as he stumbled in.

“Investigator (pant, puff) Clear!” the purple dragon with green spikes called out breathlessly, bending over and bracing his clawed hands on his knees. “Mr. Clear! (huff) I’ve (puff) brought-“

“A communique from the Princess, and urgent by all appearance,” I deduced aloud as I exited my office.

“What? Yes, how..?” He stammered, starting to catch his breath.

“Here, Spike, sit down on this couch here, I’ll fetch you some water.”

“Thank you,” he fairly flopped down upon my blue and green plaid couch. As he sipped at the glass of water I brought him, I read the letter he had rushed to me.

Dear Investigator Clear,

As you have assisted me in the past while a part of the Law Corps., so I need you again. The jeweled Elements of Harmony have disappeared. I have included a ticket for the eight-thirty train from Ponyville to Canterlot. The Bearers will accompany you. The fate of Equestria may rest on your shoulders.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

“Well Mr. Clear? How did you know?” asked Spike, who had finally rested enough to hold an intelligible conversation.

“Know what, Spike?” I said distractedly.

“That I was bringing a letter from the Princess!” He said impatiently.

“Oh, between the scroll with the royal seal and your having obviously run all the way here from the library at dusk, it was obvious. Now then,” I said snapping to action, “go and help Twilight pack, I’m sure she is freaking out. I expect to see you and the Six on the platform at eight sharp tomorrow.”

“Why-“

“Go on, I need to pack.”

“Don’t you want me to send a reply to the Princess for you?”

“No, the Princess will only expect a letter from me if something goes wrong. It is reply enough that I arrive at the palace tomorrow. Now go!”

Spike hurried to the door, and left to hike back to Ponyville in the dimming light. Meanwhile, I went upstairs to pack my saddlebags and get some sleep. The following day would be a long one.

Rendezvous

I was first to arrive on the platform, at 7:46 AM. I was able to catch snatches of idle chatter that passed between two luggage loader ponies, a spindly unicorn and a bulky earth pony. I identified the latter of these as Freightmaster Bur Lapsack. Most of the gossip they spouted as they unloaded sacks of barley was useless, but my vigilance paid off as I heard the unicorn make a remark along the lines of “…they say Luna went Nightmare…” before he re-entered the boxcar with the Freightmaster. As I pondered this, the first of the Six arrived on the platform. It was Applejack, a farmer with an orange coat, yellow mane, and a tri-apple cutie mark. She was also the Bearer of Honesty. Bouncing along behind her was the friendly pink busybody Pinkamena Diane Pie, Pinkie for short, the Bearer of Laughter, part-time baker at the Sugarcube Corner, and my cousin. Applejack was wearing a pair of tan saddlebags, and Pinkie appeared not to be carrying anything, though I knew better than to assume she had nothing simply because there was nothing visible, As usual, Pinkie was doing most of the talking in the friendly chat.

“Maybe the Princess is announcing a new festival! Or maybe we have an adventure to go on! Ooh, ooh, I know, maybe we have to-” Pinkie Pie spouted a mile a minute in her, as I have labeled it, Mechanical Siren Monologue voice. As she was speculating on the reason for the Princesses summons, I now knew that Celestia had not informed the Bearers in their obviously separate letter that the relics were missing.

Pinkie greeted my first. “Hiya cos! Twilight said you were coming! Isn’t this great, all of us going on an adventure, or-”

I interrupted her speculation, “Good morning Pinkie, you seem chipper as ever. Morning to you too Applejack. I trust the harvest has all been gathered in?”

“Yep, the last bushel’s stored away for the winter, so ah’ve got plenty o’ time for adventuring.”

“Good to hear, nothing spoils an adventure like a looming deadline.” I said ‘adventure’ in order to avoid revealing too soon that I knew the reason we were all summoned.

“Speaking of deadlines, here comes Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing even higher and waving before landing back in a sitting position.

“And Spike, Fluttershy, an’ Rarity,” added Applejack, turning around.

The four were walking up the side of the platform; Twilight, the purple unicorn with the cutie mark of a star, in the lead. Rarity, a white unicorn with a purple mane and cutie mark of three diamonds who was the Element of Generosity and local fashionista, trotted to her left and slightly behind. Spike, whom I described earlier, trailed behind Rarity in a slight trance, lugging a large trunk that appeared to belong to Rarity. Fluttershy brought up the rear, the yellow pegasus with a pink mane and a cutie mark of three butterflies flying slowly about two inches off the ground. She was the Bearer of Kindness, as well as a sort of veterinarian for the town. Twilight and Fluttershy each carried a pair of white saddlebags. It was 7:57 AM.

“Hello Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, Spike.” I nodded to each in turn. Each greeted me in their usual fashion; Twilight gave the proper ‘good morning inspector,’ Rarity giving her ‘Hello darling, I’m so glad you chose the navy saddlebags over the green ones,’ Spike grunted something indistinct that sounded like ‘Hello,’ and Fluttershy giving a ‘good morning’ in her softer-than-dove-down voice. As the Six chatted amongst themselves and I assisted Spike in preparing the luggage for loading, I observed the rest of the platform with half an ear to the Six’s conversation, which consisted of speculation about the mission and anecdotes about their pets. I noticed the stationmaster hurrying over to the switch box from which I deduced that the train would be arriving shortly. The platform remained largely empty, with only a few travelers besides the Six and me waiting for the train to arrive. At 8:06 AM, just ahead of the train, the last member of our party crashed on to the platform. Rainbow Dash, a blue pegasus with a spectrum mane and cutie mark of a cloud with a rainbow lightning bolt, was a local weather pegasus, aspiring Wonderbolt and the Bearer of Loyalty. Unfortunately, her elemental fidelity did not often extend to schedules.

“Heh, sorry I’m late guys, my, uh, alarm clock broke,” Rainbow Dash said apologetically as she picked herself up off the platform.

“That’s okay Rainbow, it could happen to anyone,” Twilight replied.

“Yes, that’s why I set the rendezvous earlier rather than later.” I agreed, not pointing out that she had used that excuse before.

“Wait a minute; hasn’t Dashie already used that one?” Pinkie objected, though no one else heard her over the screeching, clanging, and whooshing of the incoming train, which just then pulled into the station. We boarded the train as soon as the few inbound passengers had disembarked, we being the Six and I, as Spike was staying behind to tend the library. I hoisted our luggage onto the luggage rack, and then furtively checked to be sure the car was secure and soundproof (no use being careless).

Once the conductor had punched our tickets and left the car, we were alone. We made ourselves comfortable on the well-upholstered blue seats and the Six resumed their chat from on the platform. The train lurched out of the station just as the Six were giggling over the time Tank, Rainbow’s Tortoise, fell in the Hail Loading Chute and was shipped out to Appeloosa. Long story short, he fell in Applejack’s cousin Braeburn’s nearly empty apple silo and turned the apples into apple sauce. As they finished laughing, Rarity drew me into the conversation.

“Oh my, we seem to have been very rude, excluding the Investigator from our banter,” She began.

“No trouble at all, I quite enjoyed your stories” I assured them.

“Why don’t you tell us a bit more about yourself, Mr. Clear?” queried Twilight, ever curious.

“Yeah, Pinkie said you’re her cousin? Why did you not tell us that at the party?” asked Applejack.

“Yeah, I’ve never seen Pinkie throw a shorter or more vaguely named party,” added Rainbow.

“Well cos! Are you going to tell them?” urged Pinkie.

“If you don’t mind, that is,” qualified Fluttershy.

I cleared my throat, and began, “Well, the reason the party was so vague and short, was that I wanted to avoid drawing attention to myself. I have made a few enemies in my line of work after all. Yes I am Pinkie’s cousin, knew her from a young age.”

“Really?” said Twilight. “I would have expected a relative of Pinkie to be more, uh…”

“Bubbly? Random?” I supplied helpfully.

“I was going to say ‘lively,’ but those work” she said only slightly sheepishly.

“Yes, well, Pinkie wasn’t so ‘lively’ herself until she got her cutie mark. We called her the Pink Grouch back then, she was so uptight. Even after she got it, all that had changed was her outlook; she wasn’t so skeptical or gloomy anymore. Quite a shock to the rest of us when she cheered up. But even then she didn’t start bending physics or have her Pinkie Sense.”

“Really? When did she start?” Twilight asked eagerly, having not actually given up on understanding the irrational Sense.

Before I could answer, Pinkie drew out a tray of crisp-rice and marshmallow treats, which she called ‘Crunchy Clouds.’ That gave me pause enough to consider whether to tell the story yet, or save it for another time. As there was still plenty of time left in transit to tell the story and tell the Six why we were called to Canterlot, I went ahead with the story as soon as I had finished the treat Pinkie had offered.
***********************

“I was staying at the Mud Pie Rock Farm for a month so my parents could attend a series of business conferences in Manehatten. This was about six months after Pinkie got her cutie mark. We played explorers in the dark recesses of the Cultivating Caves between morning chores and supper, Mrs. Pie always equipping us with rather nice picnic lunch. On one of these ‘expeditions,’ Pinkie smuggled a lantern and a good bit of oil into the cave, and we went deeper than ever before. I, being the older and steadier one, held the lantern, while Pinkie raced around examining the strange wild rock formations. We saw basalt Dragon’s Maws, granite Oak Flows, and other rare shapes. After we had used about half our oil, we found passages that appeared to have been carved. The further we went the more it seemed we had entered some long forgotten ruin that, though once inhabited, was now only rows of square corridors with piles of dust. We were about to turn back, bored with the featureless dead ends that branched off the main hall, when we came to a door. It was a dark obsidian thing, carved all over with menacing symbols, and with a faint green light pulsing behind each line of the carvings. Of course, we were both scared, and naturally, as foals do, dared each other to open and go through it. Thus indefeasibly committed, we together and with tremendous effort pushed open the door.
“It opened to reveal a plain circular room with a flagstone floor, the only defining characteristic being a small, emerald-encrusted vase pulsing slowly with light on a pedestal in the center of the room and a lack of dust. Pinkie approached it slowly but curiously, entranced by the glistening thing, while I followed close behind. As Pinkie reached out to touch the vase, I tripped on a loose stone and bumped into her, sending her crashing right onto the vase. It fell in what seemed to be slow motion, and with an echoing crash, shattered. A blast of energy flew out of it as it shattered and hit Pinkie, who had dove to catch it, full in the face, though she didn’t seem to feel it and neither of us took notice at the time. As we stared in horror at our already broken ‘trophy,’ the room started to shake and crumble. Pinkie and I hightailed it out of that place as fast as we could, with not a few close calls. When we finally came out, panting and sweating, we were scared out of spelunking for the rest of my visit.”

*******************

“Wow, that's just like a Daring Do adventure!” exclaimed Rainbow.

“Yes, simply terrifying,” agreed Rarity, shivering slightly.

“When did ya figure out about the Pinkie Sense ‘n’ stuff?” Applejack asked.

“Over the following weeks we noticed something weird with Pinkie, but it wasn’t until after I left and there was an early-season avalanche that Pinkie really started realizing her Pinkie Sense,” I answered. And in order to stave off the flood of questions I knew Twilight was preparing, I said, “I think it is time for me to tell you why we have been summoned to Canterlot.”

The ponies sat with mouths agape in astonishment for a second, then Twilight gathered her thoughts first and said: “You mean you knew the whole time!”

“Yes,” I replied.

“How?” asked Rarity.

“And, uh, why did you wait to tell us?” asked Fluttershy.

“The Princess’s letter to me gave the general reason and left it to my discretion when to tell you. I waited till now so that the news might not escape into Ponyville.”

“Do you mean to say, then, that you don’t trust us?” Rainbow accused.

“Not at all. However, somepony could have overheard on the platform. By the way, has anyone seen Pinkie since she passed out her treats?”

The five started to shake their heads, when Pinkie burst into the car from the direction of the locomotive.

“Hi guys! Sorry I left like that, but I remembered it was the engineer’s half-birthday and I had to wish him a happy one and I didn’t want to interrupt the story and-“

“Yes, Pinkie, it’s quite alright. Anyway, now that we are all present, I can reveal the reason.” This had the six friends almost on the edge of their seats in anticipation. “The jeweled Elements of Harmony have disappeared.”

Dispatch

The six each reacted as expected. First, all their jaws hit the floor, figuratively except in Pinkie’s case. Rarity was the first to unfreeze, falling back on the bench in a faint. Fluttershy was next, moving to get some ice water for Rarity, then Pinkie reattached her jaw. Then came the flood of questions from the other three.

“Who-“ began Rainbow.

“How-“ interrupted Applejack

“Why?” finished Twilight.

“I don’t know for sure any more than you do as of now; as for guesses, best ask Rarity when she revives. She has the best connections in the grapevine of gossip, and probably had an inkling already,” I replied to all of their questions at once. They then went to help Fluttershy tend to Rarity, Rainbow throwing a suspicious glance over her shoulder at me. They proceeded to grill Rarity and speculate amongst themselves for the remaining hour of transit.
****************

When we disembarked at Equestria Grand Station, we found a squad of guards waiting to escort us; two unicorn Light Guards in gold and two bat-wing pegasi of the Night Guards in iron. A fifth pony, a teenaged bellboy unicorn from the palace with a smart red uniform, took the Bearers’ bags to their rooms in the palace. I kept my bags, preferring to have my equipment with me at all times and not having brought anything unnecessary. The guards then walked us, that is the Six and me, out of the station and onto Parade Street, heading uptown to the palace. Rainbow was trying, unsuccessfully, to coax some information from one of the night guards, Rarity was gazing around and drinking in the latest fashions, Twilight was studying the new architecture put up in wake of the “Changeling Deception,” Applejack was observing all the shops where Apple Family products were sold with a keen business eye, Fluttershy was walking in the middle of the group trying to be inconspicuous, and Pinkie was zipping about, greeting any- and everypony. The guards tried to rein her in at first, but after the first thirty seconds they gave up and were content that she didn’t go out of sight. It seemed like business as usual in Canterlot at first glance, but closer observation revealed that the city was on alert nearing lockdown. There was no pink bubble like during the Changeling threat, as that would have caused a panic, but there were extra patrols of pegasus guards in the skies above, unicorn guards scanning outbound traffic, and generally tighter security.

When we arrived at the spindly white castle which constituted the Royal Palace, we entered with little ceremony and were hustled straight to the sitting room just off the Promenade of Harmony, the hallway in which the vault was housed. Standing on the light blue carpet were Chief Fist N. Cuffs of the Royal Police, Lieutenant Hardnose of that same institution, and Princess Celestia herself.

The Six bowed low upon entering, while I gave the shortest bow required by respect for the Princess; this was not a time to stand on ceremony. The three leaders turned, the stress showing on each face. The Chief looked tired and world-weary, the Lieutenant looked angry, and the Princess looked slightly frustrated.

“You called that renegade for a matter this important!” burst Hardnose, outraged. His mane was a sickly yellow and his coat a pale green, and he had a handlebar mustache that covered his mouth and quivered when he spoke. He wasn’t really a bad sort, just tended to be a stickler about going by the book. Also, he hated my guts for showing him up so many times in unorthodox ways.

“Lieutenant! Show some respect for the wisdom of your Princess, or you will be severely disciplined!” reprimanded the Chief. He was a good pony at heart, and could keep up with the youngest cadets, even if he was going slightly blind. He had a philosophical, yet gruff and powerful voice that commanded respect from all but the most rebellious reprobates. He had a smart, military-short cut on his graying mane and tail, and a tan coat. Both he and the Lieutenant wore the standard issue police uniforms distinguished only by rank designation.

“Good morrow to you too, Lieutenant. Chief. Glad to see you again Princess, though I do wish it were under better circumstances.” I greeted each in turn.

“Thank you for coming, Investigator Clear. Welcome, Twilight Sparkle and Bearers of the Elements. I trust the Investigator told you why you were summoned?” Said the great Celestia, with not the slightest inflection from the fatigue she must have felt.

“Yes Princess, but he didn’t tell us much, just that the Elements are missing and presumed stolen,” replied Twilight. “If I might be so bold-“

“What aren’t you telling us?” interrupted Rainbow, as blunt as always.

“Unfortunately, that’s all we really know right now as well,” answered Celestia, ignoring the potentially disrespectful phrasing of the question.
“Well Princess, what do ya’ want us to do t’ help?” Applejack offered.
Here Chief Cuffs answered, “You Bearers are to search Canterlot. Hopefully your connection to the Elements will give you better luck than our officers. In the meantime, Canterlot is on lockdown code white; anything going out is gone over with a fine-toothed comb. Also, Investigator Clear will go over the crime scene for clues.”
The Lieutenant muttered something insulting under his breath. Everyone ignored him.
The Chief pulled out a sheet of parchment and read off the search assignments. “Pinkie Pie, you will search the streets and try to covertly search ponies’ property, without being too conspicuous.”
Pinkie saluted smartly, then spun her rear legs comically and sped off, leaving a cloud of dust dispersing where she had stood.
“Rarity, you will check the shops; see if anyone is trying to peddle them.”
Rarity nodded gravely and strutted out of the room to find a chauffeur.
“Fluttershy, you will search the gardens and parks; try and get the animals to help you. The elements may be buried. Rainbow Dash, you will help the aerial patrols.”
Fluttershy strolled out fairly calmly; only fretting slightly about the important task she had been given. Rainbow nodded quickly, flapped her wings, and sprang out through an open skylight.
“Twilight Sparkle, you have the palace itself. The Lieutenant will let you into the various rooms and passages.”
Twilight nodded assent and strode out, trailed by the still irritated, yet remarkably composed, Lietenant.
“And Applejack, you have the warehouses. Don’t break any crates unless you have to.”
Applejack chafed slightly at the insinuation that she wouldn’t be careful, but nodded and galloped out. This left the Princess, the Chief, and me in the room. The Princess spoke next:
“Come now Investigator Clear, to the scene of the crime. There isn’t a moment to lose.”

Scene

The Promenade of Glass Memories, or the Promenade of Harmony, was a beautiful sight. It had been part of the castle since its early days as a monastery for the Order of Harmony, and bore witness to great events since the founding of Olde Equestria. At the beginning was the most masterful and oldest of the lot, an original work, depicting the founding of prosperous Olde Equestria by the great King. Next, in dark shades, came the departure of the King to lands unknown, and the subsequent schism of Olde Equestria into three tribes after Regent Discord went insane and corrupt, with the bright point of the North Star symbolizing the King’s promise to one day return with riches untold. Then came the events celebrated on Hearthswarming, the formation of early Feudal Equestria. Following the timeline, the next window depicted the formation of the Elements of Harmony by Starswirl the Bearded and his Grand Council of Harmony. Then, in a series of three windows, was portrayed the appointment of the Princesses Celestia and Luna by Starswirl with the Elements, the defeat of Discord and founding of Matriarchal Equestria, and the Nightmare Terror in which Luna was banished to the moon. Finally, besides more minor windows dedicated to other heroes and poets, wars and treaties, friends and enemies, there were two more recent windows depicting the defeats of Nightmare Moon and Discord by the current Bearers of Harmony. A new window had been commissioned to depict the Changeling Deception, but construction had not started yet. The most prominent feature of the Promenade, however, was the high-magic security vault at the end. This vault, which pulsed with protective magic and enchantments over its gem-studded walls, was currently absolutely devoid of the relics it was built to protect.
The Princess outlined the protective measures of the vault as we walked down the promenade. “As you know, Investigator, the security of the Harmonic Vault’s security was increased greatly after Discord waltzed right through the walls and carried off the Elements. The walls had magical barriers added, a guard was posted twenty-four seven, and the magic-pulse password was changed. The jewels are also now housed within a jewelry box that glows as long as the Elements are inside, giving easy indication of their disappearance. Furthermore, I took to checking on the Elements every day so if they were stolen, we would have an earlier notice.”
I, of course, took up inquiry. “Were any changes made to the door, or the lock itself? As I recall, the lock was a twelve-direction magic pulse-sequence, with encrypted gem-light sequence indicators. Correct?”
“Correct. The door itself was protected far beyond the walls, and so the walls were brought up to the standard set by the door. The lock was considered foolproof.”
“Who knows the combination?”
“Only myself and Luna. That is why the rumor has circulated that Luna must have stolen them.”
“Where is Luna?”
“She is visiting the Protected Community.”
I inclined my head slightly, silently prodding for more information. I had not before been entrusted with this particular royal secret, but the Chief quickly explained.
“Witnesses, innocent ponies who know too much by accident, and any others seeking royal sanctuary are sometimes sent to a secluded settlement in the Dragonscale Mountains to the west to protect them from kidnapping, assassination, and blackmail attempts.”
“Okay, so we can for the moment rule out Luna as a suspect. Is there any way a spy might have decoded the sequence from the gem-light pulses?” I continued logically.
“The only way would be if one already knew how to decrypt the pulses, and only Luna, Cadence, various servants who now live in the Protected Community, and I know the key,” continued the Princess.
“So it is remotely possible, however unlikely, with so many ponies that know it, that the key may have been leaked. Perhaps-”at this point I noticed an elderly looking wrinkled gray-blue pony next to the entrance of the vault, to the right of the door and the guards. He had a gray mane and tail, a shining doorknob cutie mark, and milky eyes indicating blindness. He had a mop, a bucket, and an expression halfway between excitement and apprehension. He was also shining the already gleaming windows almost absentmindedly. “Who is he, and what is he doing here?” I asked, nodding in the direction of the unicorn that did not fit the scene.
The Princess glanced at him, and explained: “Oh, he’s the new custodian of this wing of the castle, Doorknob Deaf. He’s blind and hard of hearing, but I never did see a janitor do a more thorough job. In fact, he’s made sort of a pet project of this wing; I see him polishing the windows in this hall whenever I come in on my daily check on the Elements. He’s always wanted to get into the vault to clean, but with the Elements inside I dared not allow him in, harmless as he is. I invited him to clean after we inspect, now that the Elements are gone.”
“Wait, none of you have inspected the chamber yet?”
“I only barely glanced in long enough to see that there was no glow from their box; I did not want to contaminate the crime scene. Then we were busy organizing the extra patrols and finally just decided to wait for you to arrive,” the Princess assured me.
I would have pursued this line of inquiry further, but we had arrived at the vault. As the Princess inserted her horn into the complicated lock and began to pulse magic through the mechanism, I questioned the guards. They were the same guards that had been on duty at the time of the heist, two unicorns of the Light Guard, and the Chief ordered them to answer my questions in full. Their story was as follows: After the Princess had checked on the vault for the day, and Custodian Deaf had finished a window and left the Promenade, they had noticed the scent of ammonia, left over from the cleaning solution used by the Custodian, grow stronger. Before they could take more than a few steps, the world began to swim before their eyes and they fell unconscious. When they awoke, nothing had changed except the passing of an hour; the vault still seemed secure. Fortunately, one of the guards was the paranoid type, and had immediately called for the Princess to check the Elements.
Before I had much time to ponder the little evidence provided by the guards, the Princess backed away from the door and , with a final flash, the door opened to reveal the inside of the vault, and I peered in, hoping for clues.

The first and most obvious thing I noticed about the small cylinder of the inside of the Vault was that it had been picked clean; so clean, in fact, that not only were the elements missing, there wasn’t a speck of dust on the gilded podium or a smudge on the shiny ebony floor and walls. My first suspicion was the eager and obsessive compulsive cleaner, Custodian Deaf, but his face revealed only shock and dismay from where he had stuck it around the corner. Besides, he was still here and hadn’t tried to escape. The Chief started to dust for prints immediately.

“Princess, why did you need custodian Deaf in here if it was so clean?” I asked

“It was caked with dust before the heist,” she answered, miffed. “At least a half-inch, and my hoof-prints from the few times I had walked in there were highly visible! I had almost forgotten that the floor was ebony.”

“So whoever stole the gems also cleaned up inside. Either Custodian Deaf got in, or an over cautious amateur committed the crime.”

“But a novice would never be able to steal from this vault!” objected Chief Cuffs.

“Not alone, but perhaps as part of a team or with academic training but no field experience. How about magic reverberations? Did anyone check when the crime was fresh?”

“I did,” said one of the guards, the paranoid one. “Only got magical static.”

“Not even reverberations of the Princess’ visits?”

“No sir. Just red and indigo dots.”

“You have standard magic-sight?” He nods. I had studied magical sights in an advanced course at the academy. The scanning unicorn uses a simple spell that projects magical afterimages as colored light on his or her sight. Standard sight means the magic type corresponds to the visible light spectrum. Most unicorns can be identified by their magic’s color, like Twilight’s light violet or Rarity’s bright blue. I turned to the other guard.

“Fetch Twilight. I need her to research something,” I ordered. I technically didn’t have authority to order even a private in the Royal Guard, so the guard looked to Chief Cuffs, who nodded to give his permission. The guard galloped off to find Twilight and the Lieutenant.
“Princess, if you would send a letter to Filthy Rich for me to request the magical spectral analysis of his missing amulet, I would be quite grateful. If he needs persuasion, mention that I may have a lead on it.” Celestia trusted me enough that she went to pen the letter directly. The Chief, the remaining guard, and I proceeded to examine the crime scene more thoroughly, including the Promenade. Doorknob Deaf slipped out mumbling about the garbage receptacles.

Checkpoint

Twilight showed up just as we were wrapping up. It was just as I had expected; not so much as a single hair in the vault, and the Promenade was just too contaminated with all the guards, the Princess, and the custodian coming and going. The Chief left to look after the search effort but left the Lieutenant with us. I lead Twilight and the Lieutenant along toward the Hall of Genealogy and Penal Records, which neighbored the Starswirl the Bearded wing, and briefed Twilight on her new research assignment, now that the search of the castle was given up as hopeless.

“Find a list of everypony in the Protected Community, and list them by who would know the sequence decryption key, who would know how to use an amulet, and who would know both.”

“Alright, I can do that” she answered confidently.

“Good. Once you do that, I’ll need you ready to trace a magical signature. I trust you know how to do that?”

“Yes, I do, but how will that help? I already tried scanning for the Elements, but they haven’t been used recently enough to be detectable.”

“Just trust me on this one. It’ll make sense later.” She would have pursued the matter, but just then we reached the Hall. She and the Lieutenant went in, and they immediately started opening strongboxes and skimming papers. I trotted to the guard station to hear the rest of the Bearers check in.

Fluttershy was the first one back, having searched the closest. Neither she nor the animals had found any trace of the Elements on the castle grounds, and they would be searching the parks next. Rarity arrived next, carrying bundles of high quality dress materials but no tale of the Elements. During Rarity’s report, Pinkie appeared under a coffee table in the middle of the room and startled Fluttershy, then stated that she had seen no sign of the missing artifacts. She then produced a deck of cards and she and Fluttershy built a house of cards. Dash arrived late as usual, showing her disappointment at finding out earlier that afternoon that the Wonderbolts, the stunt-flier guards that to say she ‘holds in high esteem’ would be an understatement, were giving an air show in Fillydelfia and would not be on duty in Canterlot. The patrols had caught no suspicious packages or ponies heading in or out of Canterlot, and there was no sign of the Elements from the sky.

A few minutes after Rainbow’s arrival, we were summoned to dine with the Princesses and Chief Cuffs. A squad of guards was sent out to search for Applejack, who hadn’t been seen since the dispatch, but no one was alarmed because we all knew how caught up Applejack could get in her work. Supper was a grand affair, with the customary two appetizers (stuffed mushrooms and soup), one entrée (pasta with root vegetable medley), and one desert course (mini chocolate cannoli with strawberries). Rainbow, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie gave their reports to the Princess, Celestia gave me the magical spectral analysis from Rich, and Twilight reported on her research progress and that she was halfway through narrowing down the list. Turns out the key for decoding the flashes had been passed down genealogically from the servant who installed the door, one Hinge Shiner, and so Twilight was tracing his line; she was almost to the current generation.

Business taken care of by the end of the entrée, conversation over chive and onion soup turned to personal stories, this time about siblings. Rarity related Sweetie Belle’s latest exploits in the kitchen, which included a half-decent meal of sautéed carrots ended with burnt ice cream. “And it was going so well too, you should have seen her shock when she realized she had tried to thaw ice cream in a 900 degree oven!” she finished, every one laughing. We were just catching our breaths and the bus ponies moving in to clear the table when Applejack bust through the door and collapsed, covered in brown slime, green moss, and white dust, panting. Her rear legs were splotched with blood.

Fruits of Research

We took Applejack straight to the palace doctor, Dr. Emdee Stitch. Thankfully, most of the blood wasn’t hers, and what was hers came from a large patch of scraped off skin and fur which suggested that she had dragged her legs over stone or brick for a long distance. Rarity brought some smelling salts out of one of her many bags and revived Applejack within minutes, none the worse for wear. “Applejack, what happened to you?” asked Twilight, voice full of conflicting tones of concern and relief.

“Ah was searchin’ the third warehouse, the one on the co’ner o’ Peach and Pine. Ah opened up on a’ them boxes and found that it weren’t a real box at all, but a cover fer some sort o’ tunnel. It was a rounded square sort of a shape, large ‘nough fer two ponies to easily walk side-by-side, an’ it smelled like slop. Ah started to creep in when Ah heard voices behind me. Ah got a whiff of wet dog through the slop smell, and pulled the lid over the box before anyone saw me snoopin’ in the secret tunnel. Then I was jumped from behind while Ah waited with mah ear pressed to the lid. Next thing Ah knows Ah’m bein’ hauled in a burlap sack. Whate’er was haulin’ me dumped me out after about half an hour in a cramped sewer tunnel when Ah managed to hit ‘im in the teeth with mah strugglin. Ah had to drag mahself to a ladder an’ clamber outta there. Then Ah ran back here.”

“We are glad you are back safe and sound, Applejack,” said Princess Celestia. “Now,” she continued, turning to the rest of us, “let’s get back to work and let her rest. We have a good hour until sunset.” We trotted out and Twilight, Rainbow, and Fluttershy returned to their assignments. Since the shops were closed and it was late enough that it would be rude and alarming to barge into ponies’ homes, Pinkie and Rarity received new assignments. Rarity would search the palace (where Twilight left off) and Pinkie went out with sugary treats to take to the hard-working guards who had been tirelessly searching for so long. I went with Chief Cuffs to organize a redistribution of the force: we had an outside suspect, now we just needed to find the inside agent. On my way out I saw Custodian Deaf beginning to scrub at the drops of gunk that had dripped off of Applejack on the way to the infirmary.
******

Bangbangbang. “Inspector Clear!”

Twilight called from outside my room, knocking excitedly on other side of a large wooden door. It was late, about an hour after sundown, and I had retired to my generously appropriated private room in the palace. I was whittling a little model chariot to help me think. I always think better when my hooves are busy, and it would be a shame to wear out the plush grey carpeting of the guestroom by pacing. I deposited my self-sharpening Dragonfly knife on the mahogany writing desk along with the incomplete chariot and trotted to the door. I opened it to find Twilight disheveled, shivering, and elated with what could only be the joy of success.

I invited her to sit in one of the two high-backed velvet-upholstered armchairs and warm herself by the fire; the drafty halls and libraries of the palace get quite cold in the crisp autumn evenings. She came in, and in the flickering firelight I saw that she had a few pages of quickly scribbled notes levitating after her. Once she was settled I asked her the question she obviously wanted to hear: “So, did you find anything of interest?”

With barely contained enthusiasm she began, “I found the perfect suspect. Hinge Shiner’s last living relative is his great-grandson, the earth pony Whistle Shiner, who has been kept in the Protected Community for his own safety and that of his knowledge of the key. He has lately published some papers under the pen name Sudo Nihm that point to him doing research with amulets, both on how to use them to emulate furniture form-fitting dusting spells for the less magically inclined breeds of pony and a memory-siphoning amulet that would allow a pony to store memories outside of his or her head, which would allow nearly sixty percent of the Protected to go free safely.”

“I hear an ‘unfortunately’ coming” I predicted when she paused her discourse to breathe.
“Yes, unfortunately he made a mistake in one of his experiments, as related by one of his colleagues in the Community, Dit Moris, the inventor of the Equestian Military Cipher. One day, Shiner mixed up the amulets for his two projects and accidentally gave himself a mental disorder. Basically, he became the ultimate clean freak, but with a mind operating otherwise on only cold, hard logic.”

“Amulets and the code. Almost seems too good to be true. Does he have any extraordinary physical characteristics?”

“None.” She said. “Good health, no impairments, average height, average build-“

“And fur could be dyed and cutie marks disguised, et cetera,” I finished. “Speaking of which, what is his mark?” I had a good idea of what it might be, but I asked just to be sure.

She didn’t have to glance at her papers. “A shining whistle, with a cleaning rag”

“Makes sense. Good work Twilight,” I congratulated her. “Now then, you had better catch some z’s, we have a busy morning tomorrow.” She yawned and agreed, then left. I went out as well, with a short message to be sent to the chief: ‘Spring Roll.’ Having given the code word, I arranged for two other guards to pick up our culprit, and then went to bed myself. It would be an early morning.

Two Cases with one Stooge

The servant’s quarters of the palace were in the southern wing of the castle, arrayed around a medium-sized courtyard that opened up onto the palace gardens. There were 27 cottages, one for each position filled by a servant, each with its own shed full of the implements required by the employee living there. In this courtyard were the Bearers, Chief Cuffs, Lieutenant Hardnose, and me. There were also two squads of guards hiding in various positions near one of the cottages. It was still early enough that most of the servants were still asleep, and even our rather unusual party drew no attention.

“Couldn’t this have waited until after breakfast?” yawned Rainbow, who was used to sleeping in far later.

“I’m sure the good detective has a perfectly good reason for interrupting our beauty sleep” Rarity said, with a slight inflection of annoyance but more than a hint of excitement. She was an avid reader of mystery novels, and she had a good idea of what was going on; her curiosity overpowered her exhaustion.

“He’d better” snapped the Lieutenant gruffly, annoyed at me because he too knew what was about to happen. He also resented having his shift moved earlier, but that was beside the point. Fluttershy and Twilight stood still, straining not to look tired. Even Applejack, used to rising with the sun, was tired, a combination of her hard search, her injuries, and the short night. Pinkie was hungrily listing all the different breakfast items she could make: cinnamon buns, strawberry parfaits, waffles, coffee, ad infinum. Only Chief Cuffs was completely unaffected by the early hour, demonstrating why he was rumored among department cadets not to need sleep, food, or other mortal necessities.

I’ll be the first to admit that I was indulging in a bit of theatrics. The night guards could have taken care of everything, and I could have presented the results at breakfast without anyone having to wake early. One thing I’ve learned though: ponies love to see the conclusion, inconveniently though it may be timed.

Celestia flew down to the courtyard from the balcony where she had just raised the sun. “Thank you for waiting, everypony.” Everyone bowed curtly, and some of the Bearers said things to the effect of ‘not a problem.’ She turned to me. “Alright Investigator Clear, let’s see it.”

“Thank you Princess.” I said, and walked over to the cottage around which the guards were hidden. I rapped on the door loudly five times with the brass knocker. From inside the cottage came a call of “I’m coming, hold on.” Then the occupant reached the door and drew the bolts. Nine necks craned forward behind me. The door opened, revealing the milky white eyes of Custodian Deaf.

His face twitched. It was merely an instant, but that twitch revealed anger, disbelief, and, most of all, guilt. He recovered composure. “What is it?” he asked, his voice slightly hoarse.

“Follow me, Mr. Deaf.” I lead the custodian out to the courtyard. I noticed the guards shift positions to cover all exits from the courtyard. The nine ponies looked at the custodian. Twilight looked slightly confused, the Lieutenant looked angrily befuddled, Chief Cuffs was impassive as ever, and everyone else simply looked expectantly at me for an explanation as to why I was bringing this impaired, loyal servant of the castle out to them. Without a word, and much to everypony’s shock, I brought back my left front hoof and punched the custodian in the back of the head. Two translucent white contacts flew from his eyes. I then quickly yanked his right cutie mark off, revealing a shining whistle and rag mark.

“Everyone, meet Whistle Shiner, the crook we are looking for.” Twilight’s face lit up with understanding, the Lieutenant’s jaw dropped, and Pinkie began to edge away. Custodian Deaf, that is, Whistle, dizzily began to run away, only to be stopped by a wall of guards. He slumped to the ground like a machine whose gears had slipped.

“Whistle Shiner, what is the meaning of this?” asked Celestia in a no-nonsense fashion.

He tried one last gambit. “You can’t take me, you don’t have any evidence! You don’t have a warrant!” Lieutenant Hardnose chuckled, starting to think I had messed up and gone in too early.

“You mean this evidence?” called out Pinkie from the shed next to Mr. Shiner’s cottage. In her hooves were the Elements and Filthy Rich’s amulet.

All the jaws dropped. Well, except for Chief Cuffs’ and the guards’. “How, how did you-?” sputtered Mr. Shiner, eyes wide. Everypony else looked at me, all wanting to know.

“Your subterfuge leaves much to be desired,” I replied. “When Princess Celestia opened the vault you did a wonderful job with your emotion; it was perfectly in character for an eager janitor. But you forgot that you could only have seen the chamber at the time, and you were disguised as a blind pony.” His face fell and he cursed his mistake. The guards began to bind his hooves. “You also rather obviously spied on the Princess whenever she opened the vault.” Princess Celestia was nodding slowly, wondering how she could have missed it. “The pieces really fell into place with the magical residue left when you entered the vault. It takes a very powerful unicorn to utilize both ends of the spectrum at once; or, an artificial source like the amulet which the Bungle Boys stole. The clincher was your history with amulets and the give-away obsession with cleaning.”

Mr. Shiner opened his mouth and then closed it and fumed silently. Celestia spoke up: “But why would you steal the elements, Whistle?”

He considered for a moment, and then apparently decided he had nothing to lose. “The whole world is just too chaotic, uncivilized, unordered, and dirty. The Elements are the most powerful source of order in the world, and I just know I can make a super-amulet to level the world and make it perfect!”

Celestia motioned the guards to take him away. It was just as well; that was one of the most ridiculous motives I had ever heard. The incident with the amulets must have really addled his brain. But before anyone burst out in giggles, Rainbow had one question: “How did you find the Elements, Pinkie?”

“Oh, well, Cousin Clan’ told me!” She deadpanned. Everyone turned to me, expecting an explanation.

“The only way to hide a magical signature like the elements have is with a Magic Garbage Bag.”

“What’s so magic ‘bout these bags?” queried Applejack.

“It isn’t the bag that’s magical so much as the garbage itself. The palace, with all of the magical tests and practice, generates a lot of enchanted trash. The bags keep those enchantments from affecting anything. This property makes them perfect for blocking the trail of the Elements. And seeing as no-pony would check the supply closet and it would be close enough for Shiner to work on them without doing anything suspicious-looking, it was perfect.”

Then began the round of congratulations and cheering. I feel sorry for the servants who lived there; some of them lost some sleep to the hullabaloo.

Epilogue

We had a modest brunch feast to celebrate. That afternoon we took the two o’clock express back to Ponyville. At the station we said our farewells and went our separate ways, each of the bearers back to her home and I back to my office. The papers printed a small article near the back about the loss and recovery of the Elements, with my name listed as ‘lead detective.’ It’s not a fame-giving position, but I’m content with that. We don’t want to cause a panic over the vulnerability of the Elements, and fame tends to spoil undercover operations. I sat down to resume work. I now had two finished cases as a P.I. and they wouldn’t file their own papers.