Night of the Hoof Eating Socks
Hello, everypony! My name is Author Tempus. Everypony that knows me knows that I absolutely HATE socks. And there’s good reason for it, too. Of course, you could choose whether or not to believe me. Most don’t. They believe that I’m telling a joke, and when I say I’m serious they think me to be crazy. You may laugh yourself, but you must know that everything I’m about to tell you is 100% true. For this is the…
Night of the Hoof Eating Socks!
(That turned out to be regular mind-controlling socks.)
It started off like any other day, as most days do. I got up and ate breakfast. Ditzy, a close friend of mine, arrived at the door with a package.
“Hello, Author! There was a big order today at the post office. Everypony in Ponyville, and maybe even Equestria, is getting one of these boxes! It’s taking all of the pegusi that work with me to make the deliveries.” She seemed excited about all the work she had received.
I looked around the door frame and say a large pile of boxes behind Ditzy, and one on her back.
“Oh, I almost forgot! This one’s for you!” she quickly lifted her flank, launching the box into my home before she left. The box hit me in the face before it bounced to the floor. It was rather light for such a big box…
I got a knife and quickly cut open the package. What was inside was something terrible, something that would change the fate of Equestria.
“NO! Anything… ANYTHING but… Those!” It was a pair of socks. “They wants tah eat me hooves they do…” In my state of panic, I accidentally tipped the box over, spilling its contents on the floor. I quickly picked up my knife and pinned the socks to the floor.
“You put up a good fight, vile leggings, but not good enough to dehoof ME!”
I took a closer look at the no longer living sock. It had my cutie mark on it! I looked outside and saw that everypony had a box in front of their doors. Ditzy works fast! Speaking of which, this is when she flew back into my house and ran into me at a speed Rainbow Dash would be proud of. We tumbled across the floor and skidded to a stop.
“Author! I’m SOOOOOOOO sorry! I had NO IDEA that the delivery was SOCKS!” she hugged me apologetically. “I know how much you hate socks! I’m EXTREMELY super-duper sorry!” at this point, she was squeezing me so hard I couldn’t breathe. In fact, my eyes probably matched Ditzy’s in position at this point.
“D-Ditzy… Can’t… Breathe…”
` She quickly let go. “Oh, sorry. I must have gone a bit overboard with my apology…” she turned and whispered “I didn’t even have a chance to make apology muffins…”
“It’s OK, Ditzy… But… How did you know it was socks?”
“Oh, well, because EVERYPONY got socks in that package. Even me! And… I don’t usually get packages…”
I looked out the door again. Everypony in Ponyville had already opened the package and were walking around wearing socks that bore their individual cutie marks. “OH NO! IT’S TOO LATE! THE SOCKS ATE THEIR HOOVES!”
Ditzy stared at me. I never really DID tell her why I didn’t like socks…
“Author, even I know that socks don’t eat hooves. Who told you that, anyway?”
“Nopony had to tell me! I used simple logic. Elementary, my dear Ditzy.”
She just continued staring at me. And the ceiling. “Does anypony else have the same… Theory… As you?”
“Not that I know of. They mostly just think I’m crazy.” I made sure to accentuate my statement by circling my hoof around my ear.
“Right… Well, not that I’m calling you crazy, but… Your idea IS kind of… Out there.” She looked outside. “Anyway, I have to go now. My boss doesn’t know I’m here. See you later!” She turned and flew off, flying into a cloud before yelling “I’m okay!”
My conversation with Ditzy reminded me of something important. Nopony believed my theory about socks. Nopony except… “FLUTTERSHY!”
I quickly ran out of my home and towards Fluttershy’s cottage, stopping when I saw that the pinned sock was missing. At the moment, I thought nothing of it and continued out the door.
As I ran through Ponyville, I noticed that many homes had both opened and unopened boxes in front of them. Some were missing boxes completely due to being brought inside, the only sign they were ever out there being a few packing peanuts.
I finally got close to the edge of the Everfree Forest where Fluttershy’s cottage was located. I made my way to the entrance and knocked on the door. A faint yet somehow slightly loud voice answered back.
“I’ll… Um… Be right there…”
A few moments later, Fluttershy stuck her head out of the door.
“Oh, Author! Nice to see you!” she smiled.
“Fluttershy! Have you gotten a delivery of… Socks?”
She looked surprised at this and started looking around. “U-Uh… No, n-not that I… Um…” she looked down and blushed slightly as she opened the door all the way. She was wearing socks with three butterflies on them.
“Fluttershy… I thought you agreed with me about socks…”
She looked at me sheepishly. Come to think of it, that’s how she looks at almost everything. “Well… Um… You see… Well, when everypony was calling you crazy… I felt soooo bad for you…”
I was shocked. “So… You lied?”
She lowered her head more. “It’s just… You know… The idea seemed a bit… Um… Far-fetched…”
“It’s OK… I understand…” I turned and left. It was true. Nopony believed me. Maybe socks aren’t so bad…
That’s when the resident party pony showed up.
“Omigoshomigoshomigosh! Author! I’ve been looking EVERYWHERE for you!” she was wearing socks with balloons on them. “Everypony’s been acting all weird lately! Twilight’s tearing up books, Dashie refuses to fly, Rarity destroyed all of her dresses, AJ suddenly doesn’t like apples, and Derpy was just eating a cupcake! I think it has something to do with these socks!” She lifted three hooves.
I sighed. “Pinkie, socks are harmless…”
“Are you loco in the coco!? These socks are EVIL! I don’t know how, but they’re making everypony-“
Suddenly, her whole body shook as her tail twitched and her shoulder got achy. It was her Pinkie Sense. “Wow! That was the first time a doozy was part of a combo!”
“What does that mean???”
“I don’t know, maybe it means that-” she stopped suddenly and her pupils became smaller.
“You should put on your socks.” Her voice was a monotone.
“I should… What?”
Suddenly, Fluttershy appeared next to Pinkie.
“Yes, Author. Put the socks on. Become one of us.” She spoke in the same monotone.
I panicked and ran to Ponyville, which seems like a mistake, now that I think about it.
The streets of Ponyville were empty. Maybe Zecora was in town… I ran to the library to see if Twilight knew anything about this sock business. I knocked on the door and Spike answered it immediately. He wore socks with a green flame on them.
“Oh, hey Author! Come on in!” his voice was not in a monotone, but something was still a bit off about it… His emotion wasn’t right based on what I heard about Twilight, and judging by the torn up papers on the ground, this info was accurate.
“Twilight should be down any second.”
She walked down the stairs as soon as he said this. She had a box on her back.
“Hello, Author! Long time no see!”
This is when I knew something was definitely wrong. I was at the library yesterday.
“What’s in the box, Twi?”
Her horn glowed as she levitated the box toward me and opened the lid. It was a bunch of socks with pencils on them.
“Join us, Author.”
“NO!” I ran out the door, only to see a horde of sock wearing ponies.
That’s when I woke up.
Not literally, more like philosophically. I knew what I had to do. I ran back toward home, but they anticipated my move and blocked me off. I had to think of something, otherwise I’d become a sock wearing shell of what I used to be. Hopefully what I was about to do would work…
“Hey, look! French stockings!”
Everypony turned around simultaneously. That’s when I ran for it.
And ran into a sock-zombie Celestia, along with her royal guards.
“Join us, Author.”
I had to find a hiding place. I found a booth.
I quickly ran to the booth and opened the curtain. Somepony was already inside. She looked at me and closed the curtain quickly as Celestia said “Pay no attention to the GREAT and POW- er… The pony behind the curtain.”
I opened the curtain again. “Trixie, you’re the one behind all this?
“That’s the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie to you, foal! It was about time the Great and Powerful Trixie exacted the Great and Powerful Trixie’s revenge on everypony in Equestria!”
“Well, I caught you. Now change everypony back.”
“NEVER!”
What happened next, I don’t recall. Although I remember what happened after.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your dumb dog!”
“But… I’m by myself… Anyway, guards! Take her away!”
“What did she do?” The guard asked.
“What?! She just brainwashed everypony in Equestria!”
“I’m afraid I don’t recall that happening. I’m going to need proof.”
“She gave everypony socks!”
“That’s very nice of her.”
“But… But… She’s in a booth!”
“Last time I checked, that’s not illegal.”
Trixie laughed. “HAHAHA! Do you really think that I, the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE, would let everypony remember that the Great and Powerful Trixie brainwashed them?!?!”
The guard stared at her. “Oops… Uh… THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE SHALL RETURN! AGAIN!” she threw a smoke bomb on the ground and ran away.
“What was her problem?” the guard asked.
I paused for a while.
“Did you NOT just hear her confess?:
“Confess to what? She’s obviously crazy.”
I facehoofed and just walked home, past all the ponies wondering where they were and how they got there. When I got home, I saw a pair of socks in front of my door. I tossed them in the bushes. It was late, and the whole sock ordeal made me tired, so I went to bed. It was the best sleep I ever had.
Now, it’s time for you to decide. Do you believe me or do you think I’m just an attention horse?
Choose wisely, for the next time you put on socks…
COULD BE YOUR
LAST
(maybe)
