Okay, so, here's the deal:
My name is Twilight Sparkle. I am Equestria's newest, and what seems to be last, princess. Kinda disappointing in the long run, though 'the long run' will probably only last until tomorrow morning at the latest.
It started with a plague. We could handle that, so we all just holed up inside. Then, (this is gonna sound dumb, just bear with me) plague victims showed up on our doorstep, hearts not beating and begging for brains. If that isn't obvious enough to you, I'm not sure I want you here.
It's kinda funny, you know. Everypony has just accepted it. Yeah, great, the world is ending. Whopp-dee-flippin'-do.
This has been a time for everypony to really think about themselves. There's no time to do something really great at this point, so the only comfort is thinking about what you've already done. From this, ponies can be sorted into two groups: accomplished, and those who should start being really upset about now.
But why be upset? The world's goin' boom in a maximum of twenty-four hours, so who cares?
Answer: nopony, So let's just get on with it.
~~~~~
I woke up to the sound of another broken air siren. I blinked blearily and wondered if it was really worth it to get out of bed this morning. To be perfectly honest, this morning was exactly like any other. I was in the same plush bed, above the same lazy dragon, thinking the same mundane thoughts. Except now, there was the added 'Oh yeah, and today's the last day of our natural lives.'
I managed to roll out of bed onto stiff joints, stretching and yawning robotically. I figured it'd be nice to buy a cake from Pinkie but charge it ahead a couple days and get it free.
I looked out the window, a sharp line cutting the landscape in two. Below the line was a dull grey concrete wall that had been constructed under the jurisdiction of Mayor Mare. Above that was the sky, blue as ever and oblivious to the impending doom.
It wasn't really official that the world would end today, but I'd done my calculations, and so had lots of other ponies. It was hard to explain, but there was another danger nearby (as the princesses told us), and it would 'go off' soon without the usual foal-sitting it had. I knew what it was, but I can't say. Royal code and all.
I headed for the bathroom, grabbing a comb with my magic, pulling sleep knots out of my mane. There were generous bags under my eyes, and anypony could tell that their usual spark was gone. I've stopped caring so much about how I look so quit preening my wings. Broken feathers stuck out at odd angles, completing the look of a bedraggled mare who was beyond caring.
I didn't even bother to wake Spike. If he wanted to sleep through the end of the world, so be it. He could whine about it in the afterlife.
I pushed open the door, not even bothering to throw a glace towards Owlowicious.
The scene on the street was one that utterly depressed me.
Ponies were barely moving at a quarter of the normal pace and their heads were turned to the ground as they walked nowhere in particular. All of the taxis and other carts were moving at the same pace, any passengers leaning out the windows and waving their hooves sadly at other ponies outside. One particularly bittersweet pony waved at me, and I threw her a pitiful glance. She smiled, turning to the other side of the cart to look for familiar faces.
Not wanting to just be one of the crowd, I picked up the pace, trotting almost jauntily compared to the others. I bobbed and wove through the crowd, heading down the street to Sugar Cube Corner. I now craved a slice of chocolate cake, and I figured I may as well go for it since I didn't have to worry about a future body image.
I got more than a couple of stares before I finally arrived at the shop. The inside of the sweet shop was even more depressing than the street.
There were three other customers inside. The first one, a stallion sitting at the table directly inside the door, had an empty coffee mug that he traced the rim of with his hoof. He was an earth pony with a greasy light brown mane that hung in his eyes. He also had a generous amount of stubble on his upper lip, which was thick and wiry from many previous shavings.
The second was a mare with flowing auburn hair left in tangles. She had her head down on the table, silent sobs shaking her body. I didn't recognize her at all, but it was possible she was from out of town and got locked in.
The last was, by far, the worst sight. A unicorn mare sat with a ridiculously enormous sundae before her, at least ten scoops of melting ice cream. A spoon shoveled the decadently thick sweet into her mouth lightning fast, and I could almost see her stomach expand with the sheer mass of the food. Generous amounts of the ice cream was streaked through her purple mane, one that had natural curls which was no more than mats now. Her white horn stuck out of the knotted mess, however, and held the spoon with expertly agile magic.
"R-Rarity?
The mare stopped scooping for a second, dropping the spoon on the table with a loud clatter and smearing a hoof across her mouth. "Oh. Hello, Twilight."
"Rarity... what the hoof are you doing? You told me that you'd never stop caring about your mane as long as you lived! Let alone your--"
"I've decided that I don't care," she said simply, letting out a disgustingly obnoxious burp.
I stuttered nonsensically, trying to form a coherent sentence.
Rarity cleared her throat, lifting the spoon again. "I figured I may as well enjoy this opportunity."
The blur started up again, and I took a few steps backwards. I was going to leave Rarity to her weirdness, when I bumped into somepony.
"Oh!" The pony shouted, and there was suddenly a cold, wetness squirming down my spine.
"Ew!" I yelled quickly, whirling to face the pony.
"Sorry, Twi-Twi, I didn't see ya there," the pink mare apologized, "Lemme get that for ya."
I sighed. "No, no. I got it, Pinkie. Thanks."
"Nonsense!" She lifted a handkerchief off her platter, using it to wipe off the hot fudge sundae dripping down my back. "Whoops... I think I just... spread it around..."
"It's fine. I'll take a shower or something. Just--" I sighed again. "Do you think I could get a piece of chocolate cake? That is, when you're done." I gestured to the melting scoops of ice cream sitting on the floor.
"S-sure," she agreed. She seemed to be lacking her usual... bounce.
"Are you alright?" I asked her, bending down to her level and lending a hoof in cleaning the floor.
"I'm just sad. Not for me, really, for everypony else. I mean, Rarity's upset 'cause she never got a dress displayed in Canterlot." I looked over at her. Seemed like a reasonable excuse for downing that much ice cream. At least, for Rarity. "Rainbow Dash is probably upset 'cause she never got to be one of the Wonderbolts, Fluttershy's scared for her animals, and AJ's just angry at everything. Then, of course, there's the Cutie Mark Crusaders..."
I thought about this. All of my friends did have goals that they'd never reached. Except me. I was a princess, I'd written my own magic...
"Maybe we should go find the others," I suggested, heading for the door.
"W-well, I've got a job... and Rarity's kinda--"
"You've got a job for the next..." I glanced at the clock, "ten hours. I don't think anypony's gonna care if you step out."
"Well, what about Rarity?"
My horn lit up, and suddenly Rarity was hanging in midair, still trying to swallow ice cream. "Okay?"
"O-okay..." Pinkie looked concerned, but there really wasn't much to worry about.
"Great. Let's go to Applejack's," I said, galloping for the door with Pinkie right on my tail.
We made our way through the depressed crowd once more, this time getting a fair amount of questions regarding the floating, bloated pony above us. It was like Rarity had gone into some kind of sugar high: her pupils were dilated to twice their original size, and she was babbling nonsense words as she hung upside-down above me. More than one large drop of the vanilla ice cream dropped on my head, but I tried to ignore her.
Applejack's farm was coming into view, and the crowd was getting thinner. I'd had just about enough of these depressed ponies. They were all gonna die some day! May as well be today.
As we ran through the arch, I smacked Rarity on the sign above me. Splinters of wood rained down on me and Pinkie as the fat pony went clear through the wood sign, leaving almost nothing behind. This elicited some form of speech from her, though I couldn't understand a word of it.
I headed down the dirt path to the barn, tossing Rarity in a pile of hay. To her displeasure, the flop was accompanied by a squishing sound and the scent of manure.
"Hey! There's Applejack!" Pinkie waved her hoof in the air, trying to flag down the pony on the upper level. Her hair blew slightly in a breeze from the open hatch, but other than that she did not move.
"Applejack? You alright?" I called.
Her ear pricked at the sound of my voice, and she turned to look down at me from the loft. "Oh. Hey, Twilight. I was just... sayin' goodbye to Winnona, here." There was a soft whine, and the head of Applejack's beloved sheep dog appeared beside her. She saw us, then her tongue lolled out of her mouth. I think it would be nice to be a dog, today. So completely oblivious to the real world problems we had to deal with.
"Well, bring her down. We wanted to talk to you."
She sighed dramatically, herding Winnona toward the spot where the ladder should be. It was positioned above a pile of hay, and the dog leapt joyfully off the loft and into the smelly hay. Applejack followed, free of emotion.
"What'd you wanna talk about?" she asked.
"Well... I figured we should get the gang together for... like, a last hurrah." I avoided Applejack's eyes, kicking at the ground with my hoof.
"Y'know... maybe that's a good idea." Applejack agreed, but she really didn't seen too enthusiastic about this idea.
"Alright... great! Let's get Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash." The whole conversation was awkward, with Rarity gurgling in the background. "Yeah..."
Hay crunched under Applejack's hooves as she shifted uncomfortably.
"Well? Let's go!" Pinkie insisted, breaking the silence.
A million thoughts always raced through my head when I faced my friends. There were rules, sort of a hidden agenda, as to what you could say in front of who. This whole apocalypse deal was sort of an excuse to break all those rules.
But... I don't think I'd want my friends to die thinking I hated them. Because I don't There's just all these... annoying things about them that I wish they wouldn't do.
I ran over a short list in my head while we trotted towards Fluttershy's cottage:
Applejack, while honest most of the time, was also impossibly stubborn. Though she seemed to understand friendship, she always put her family before us. She was also extraordinarily attached to 'the way things were,' instead moving on to the way things are. She seemed to put on this act of idiocy, even though she was really quite clever. Not to mention her blatant disregard for... hygiene. On the farm? Fine. In public? A shower now and then could be nice.
Pinkie Pie seemed to believe that a good party could solve anything. Sure, it helps cheer you up sometimes, but you can't just fix everything by tossing some confetti in the air and singing an annoying song. She also acts like a complete idiot, and thinks it's alright to just run off and do her own thing without explaining properly. We've gotten into a lot of trouble due to situations like this.
Rainbow Dash is lazy, arrogant, a sore loser, and an all-around attention hog. The word 'humble' must not even compute for her, she's so egotistical. She has some kind of issue with her tomcolt-ish nature, seems to swing equally far towards both ends of the spectrum. She's also reckless, and winds up destroying things or even hurting other ponies. Then, she turns right around and denies all of her faults.
Fluttershy is a doormat. She never stands up for herself or anypony else, and she forgives too easily. No matter what anypony did, she was never going to be brave, and that frustrated me to no end. What I hate most is that nopony ever tries to force her into facing her fears. They give her a pat on the head when she gets close, and call it courage.
Lastly, Rarity barely ever does anything that I would describe as 'generous.' I mean-- she made Spike give her a ruby on his birthday for Celestia's sake. She seems to make excuses to argue with her sister, for reasons that make little to no sense. Not to mention, her flighty interest in fashion gets in the way, and she's completely fickle when it comes to dating. I just think it's time somepony sat her down and explained what was actually important in the grand scheme of things.
I was jolted from my thoughts when Applejack pounded a hoof on Fluttershy's door. "Fluttershy? It's us..."
I rolled my eyes. 'It's us.' Brilliant.
"Go away! I'm not going to be tricked so easily!" called a familiar timid voice.
"Fluttershy, I swear! It's Applejack and the rest 'a your friends!"
"O-oh..." stuttered the small voice, as the door was pushed open a crack. A pale blue eye appeared there in the open space, staring at each of us in turn. "A-alright... you don't look like zombies to me..."
We managed to squeeze past the trembling pony, and all took seats in her home.
"Look, Fluttershy. We wanted to get the gang together. Sort of a... last dance before death, you know?"
She winced at the harsh word. "Don't say that, please!" she begged.
"I'm sorry. Anyway-- we need your help finding Rainbow Dash. She's probably at her house, but... I mean, we need a pegasus to go get her," I explained.
"W-why do we need to get together? I'd rather just stay inside..." Fluttershy mumbled, shying away from us.
"Oh, for GOD'S SAKE! WE ARE HANGING OUT BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS! IT'S WHAT BEST BUCKING FRIENDS DO!" I shreiked, my voice cracking.
"Sheesh..." came a disgusted voice from the crowd.
"Why is it that everypony is crawling up my plot today, huh?" I added bitterly.
Silence.
Applejack coughed.
Fluttershy whimpered.
Pinkie cleared her throat obnoxiously.
"Ugh, fine. Let's just go." This was stupid. I felt like a complete idiot. What was this, a foal's cartoon? We weren't going to have such a sunny outlook, I mean, the world is ending. We all just had to face the facts and get over ourselves.
It wasn't long before we spotted a small cloud, floating low. We watched as a rainbow tail swished lazily over the edge, followed by some light snoring. I used my magic to pull the cloud down to the ground. There lay Rainbow Dash, lazy as ever, snoozing away while the world came to an end. I gave her a jab to the shoulder. She snorted, and seemed to choke on a snore, which jarred her awake. She made some undignified noises, (then again, what about her was dignified?) her eyes drifting open.
"Hey, sleepyhead! Whatcha doin'?" Pinkie asked reduntantly.
"Uh... sleeping?" Rainbow murmured drunkenly, sitting up and rubbing the back of her head. She yawned loudly. "What do you guys want?"
"We were gonna... you know, hang out." Pinkie grabbed hold of her hoof, helping her down off the cloud.
"Ugh... what's the point?" she whined.
Fluttershy looked at me like I was about to explode. I could actually feel the steam coming out of my ears.
"Uh... because?" Pinkie filled in, shoving Rainbow Dash in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
Rainbow, however, wasn't going to have her nap time ruined so easily. She dug her hooves into the dirt path, backpedaling furiously. But even Rainbow Dash was no match for the raw energy of Pinkie Pie.
We made our slow way towards Sweet Apple Acres, the quiet interrupted several times by Rainbow's curses. When the barn was in sight, I yelled for Applejack. She ran out with a lasso and got Rainbow into the barn.
"This is so stupid." Rainbow sat down hard, crossing her hooves over her chest.
"No, it ain't." Applejack put her leg around my shoulders. "Twilight's doing the right thing, here. We're all friends to the very end. And, since the end hasn't come just yet, I think we should still stick close."
"Eugh." I muttered, shoving her hoof away from my face.
"I think it's an excuse to get drunk!" Rainbow suggested "Point me to your strongest cider, AJ!"
"Rainbow! Jeez, it doesn't take long for you to go downhill, does it?" I said.
"Um... I have an idea..."
"I still have some in the house, I guess..."
"Then I am in the house."
"Excuse me everypony, I think I--"
"No, wait! You have to stay here! Rainbow!"
"HEY GUYS!" Pinkie's shrill voice cut through the miscellaneous conversations. "Fluttershy has something to say."
"Um... I was just thinking... wouldn't it be nice if we, um... talked about our feelings?" Fluttershy spoke into her hair, but we were all practiced listeners.
"Our FEELINGS?!" Rainbow shrieked, "The only thing I wanna feel is cider in my mouth."
"I meant, like, how we feel about each other. You know, how we really feel."
"You mean... tell our secrets?" Applejack asked.
Fluttershy nodded.
Rainbow sighed dramatically, then shrugged. "Yeah. I guess that could be interesting."
"Well, the interesting thing is that we always tell each other the good things. It'll be the bad things that we haven't talked about." I explained. "So the question is: Who's ready to be insulted?"
Five hooves were raised. Rarity rolled over onto her stomach and raised hers.
"Oh, great. This should be delightful."
~~~~~
"Okay. I guess I'm first, huh?" I gulped. "Uh, well..." I had my own private feelings about my friends, but... they were private.
"Pfft. You're weak. I'll go first." She cleared her throat. "Prissy, doormat, stubborn, bookworm, idiot." she said, pointing to each of us in turn. Then, she pointed to herself. "Awesome."
Assorted comments were thrown back from each of the five of us, except Applejack. She looked down at her hooves.
"You sure are quiet, AJ. So... I guess you agree you're stubborn." Rainbow smiled cockily.
"Well, yeah-- I mean, no-- I mean... you're pretty stubborn yourself." she stuttered.
"Hmm... I won't deny that. Still, looks like you've something on your mind. Spill it, girl. That's what this is for." Rainbow prompted.
"Well... it's about my secret opinion of you..." Applejack hinted.
"Uh-huh... and?"
""I mean, don't get me wrong, they're mostly horrible. Well, they're kinda bad... I wouldn't say 'horrible' really... like, not exactly good, in a sense--"
"Just say it."
She breathed deep, collecting herself. "I've kinda had a crush on you since the 'Best Young Flyers' competition."
It's amazing how quiet we can be when we try.
"...Oh, yeah?" Rainbow whispered.
"Yeah..." Applejack's accent grew thicker with emotion.
"I... didn't know you were into mares."
"I didn't know, either. Not until you came back from the day with The Wonderbolts. I realized I was upset that you were hanging out with anypony except me." She explained, still not meeting Rainbow's eyes.
"That's... that's the nicest thing anypony's ever said to me. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"Cuz... I was afraid that you wouldn't like me back the same way."
"I-I didn't... I never thought..." Rainbow stuttered.
"I know. That's why I'm telling you."
"Well... thanks..." Rainbow was quieter than Fluttershy.
"You don't like me back..." Applejack figured, disappointed.
"No! Th-that's the thing... I do..."
There was a collective 'aw' from the four of us, and Rarity (who had come down from her sugar high) squealed like a filly.
"Aw-- Shut the buck up, you guys!" Rainbow demanded, "AJ... you wanna go someplace private?"
We cooed in frequencies only audible to dogs.
"Shut it!" Applejack nodded, and she led Rainbow out of the barn.
"Okay... definitely didn't see that one coming," I commented, taking a more comfortable position.
"It's nice to see something good coming out of this mess," Rarity slurred, interrupted by a hiccup.
"Rarity... are you... drunk?" I asked, confused by her odd behavior.
"On liquor? Heavens, no. On love and ice cream? Dear Celestia, yes!" She explained, ending with a burp. "Ooh! My. Pardon me."
Pinkie laughed uproariously. Even Fluttershy couldn't help but giggle. I smiled, looking at the group of us. Honestly, if somepony had told me I'd be such close friends with these five ten years ago, I never would've believed them. We were so different, which is why we had so many hidden hatreds. But tiny similarities bonded us inseparably. Honestly, the friendship between the six of us is one I'd really bucking hate to lose.
"Well... while we're on the subject, does anypony else have a love secret they'd like to share?" Rarity suggested.
This time, the pony who stood out was Fluttershy.
"Ooh! Fluttershy, darling, who's caught your fancy?" Rarity got excited, poking Fluttershy with her elbow.
"Uh... it's..." I swear, it was like Fluttershy wasn't even trying to make sound at all.
"Who is it?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"Come on, tell us!"
"Okay, okay... it's... Big Macintosh!" Fluttershy burst.
"Oh, my goodness! He's the perfect match for you!"
"If you got married, Applejack would be your sister-in-law!" gushed Pinkie.
"He so soft spoken, but so strong!" Rarity agreed.
"And then, if you had foals, Applejack would be their aunt! And I bet they would look like her, except with wings!" Pinkie bounced up and down, babbling excitedly.
"Stop!" yelled Fluttershy, as loud as she could manage when fluffy animals weren't in danger. "I don't even know him that well!"
Pinkie snorted. "Yeah, right! He's your best friend's big brother! You know him better than you think!"
"My question is, why haven't you told him?" Rarity asked.
I slapped my forehead with my hoof. "God, Rarity! It's in the name. She's too shy!"
"Oh, but what could he possibly say? The worst you'll get is a polite 'nope,' and I doubt he'll say that!" Rarity insisted.
"What makes you think that?" Fluttershy asked.
"He's cute, strong, polite, soft spoken, and 100 PERCENT SINGLE! Please! He'll love you, darling!"
"Gosh... exactly how far have you pried into his private life?" I asked.
"Oh, hush. You should tell him!"
"I really don't think..." Fluttershy began.
"Please?"
"I just--"
"Please?"
"Well, I--
"Pleeeeeeeeeeease!" Rarity pronounced this word as though it had four times as many letters as usual.
"Rarity, quit it!" I used my magic to pull her out of Fluttershy's face.
"Okay," Murmured Fluttershy.
Rarity gasped. "Ohh, really?!"
She sighed. "Yes. But later, okay?"
"Alright, yes. That's fine. I just--" she squealed again. "I love to see my friends falling in love!"
I stuck my hoof in her mouth. "Yeah. We've noticed."
Rarity swatted me away, then turned to Pinkie Pie, staring at her with an expectant grin. Pinkie Pie, who always had that sort of smile on her face, stared back at her. I saw Pinkie's smile slowly grow, as Rarity's became a frown.
"Well?" Rarity finally asked.
Pinkie chuckled. "'Well,' what?"
"Don't you have something to tell us?" Rarity prompted.
Pinkie grew thoughtful, rubbing her chin with her hoof. "Um... nope! Don't think so!"
Rarity dropped her head, letting her nose smack the dirt floor of the barn. She quickly pulled back, wiping the dust off of her face. "You mean.. you don't have any cute crushes on anypony, or...?"
"Nope!" Pinkie said happily.
Rarity sighed. "But we've been waiting! For-- for-- five years! You've never had a crush! Not even a little one!"
"Yeah, I know. Maybe I just... haven't found the right pony."
"But you know everypony!" Rarity enunciated.
"I know!" Pinkie said slowly, in the same tone.
Rarity sighed dramatically, rolling over onto her back. "I give up."
"You know... I did have one once! A looooooooooong time ago. Actually, it was my first Hearth's Warming in Ponyville!"
Rarity looked excited, taking her original position and leaning forward slightly.
"Hm, let's see... I had just clinched the deal and moved in with the cakes, and I was unpacking my things into the apartment upstairs. It was snowing really hard. Most ponies were calling it a blizzard, although Cloudsdale had only scheduled a light snowfall. Anyway, it wasn't fit for mare nor beast outside, and suddenly there was this flash of red. I looked up, and I saw this long scarf that was caught on my window latch. I pushed up the window, even though it was so bad outside, and grabbed the scarf. Just as I was about to close the window, I saw this figure out in the snow. He was grey, and he was all alone. I leaned out the window and yelled down to him.
"I was like, 'hellooooooo! I have your scarf! Do you wanna come in?' I couldn't hear his answer, but he started toward the door. I ran downstairs and let him in. He was really nice. His name was silver boulder, and he was all alone on Hearth's Warming day. I felt so bad for him, I let him sleep in my room that night. But, when I woke up... He was gone. He didn't even leave a note." Pinkie sighed. "I guess... I guess I just liked him so much... I'm still waiting for him to come back. But, of course..."
She didn't need to say anything. We knew that her hope was crushed when the morning arrived, and there was still no sign of him.
Rarity clicked her tongue. "Aw. That's so... romantic!"
Pinkie blushed. "Well, not really, I mean..."
"It is so! You waited for him all this time! Oh! That is so cute!" Rarity squealed.
I stuck my hoof in her mouth again. "Please. Don't start. Again."
"Okay, okay. Your turn, Twilight."
"What do you mean, 'my turn?'"
"I mean, who's caught your fancy?"
"Uh... nopony new."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Her tone transformed from the devilish matchmaker to the bored diva.
"It means I'm still with Flash. Nothing new." I said quickly.
"If you were still 'with' Flash, you'd have gone to see him today." Rarity realized.
"So, we're both practical. We realized that there were things at home that were more important than trying to get to each other. Not to mention, we're not supposed to leave Ponyville." I explained.
"Did you send him a letter?" Rarity suggested.
I sighed. "Okay, so we broke it off a week ago. What's the big deal?"
"Well, I just... I thought you were cute together." Rarity said, pouting a bit.
"I thought you made a nice couple, too. N-not that my opinion makes a big difference..." Fluttershy mumbled.
"I'm not picking it back up now, it's too late." I said simply, waving my hoof in dismissal. There was a collective, yet quiet, sigh of disappointment. I said nothing. I didn't want to start an argument.
The truth was, I missed Flash. He was the perfect match for me, and I was happy by his side. But, a week ago, he had gone away on 'royal duties' of some sort. Something to do with 'guarding the city from potential threats.' Then, of course, the downward spiral had started the next day. The whole thing upset me, since Flash was going to remain safe and sound in the city with the Canterlot elite, while I (a princess, and his marefriend) was left to die in Ponyville. Not to mention the rest of the ponies here. It had moved me, deeply, the wrong way. He was in on something that nopony else had been, and he was going to make it out alive while the world crumbled.
I was jarred from my thoughts when Pinkie poked Rarity in the chest. "Your turn!"
"I-I didn't think--"
"You have to! We all did. Now it's your turn." Pinkie exaggerated the last two words, poking Rarity with each one.
She sighed, then said in one quick sentence, "IhaveacrushonSpike!"
It is unbelievable how quiet four ponies can be.
"S-seriously?" I asked hesitantly.
Rarity nodded vigorously, hiding her eyes.
"Well, why didn't you tell him?! He loves you more than sapphires, and that's saying something..." I muttered.
"I know... but wouldn't it be... socially unacceptable?"
"Why?"
"Well... I thought interspecial relationships were frowned upon."
I shrugged. "Then do it in secret."
"Oh my gosh, Rarity! You'd be like... like Rodeo and Muliet! The pony and the mule who fell in love..." Fluttershy piped up wistfully.
I grinned inwardly. I loved it when somepony made reference to a book in conversation.
"Why are you smiling, Twilight?" Pinkie asked. Maybe it wasn't quite as 'inward' as I had thought.
"No reason."
"Hmm..." Rarity was thinking hard, staring up at the ceiling. "I guess... it would be pretty romantic. Heh. Wouldn't it?"
There was a collective sound of approval.
"Well, I have to go tell him!" She leapt up, her still portly stomach bouncing as she ran. "I'm coming, Spikey-Wikey!"
I stood up slowly, stretching out the cramps as well as some pins and needles. Fluttershy did the same. Pinkie jumped to her hooves, then stumbled and buckled from the sudden shock of pain.
"Well... what do you girls wanna do?" I asked.
"Oh... I kinda wanted to go find Big Mac." Fluttershy trotted towards the door. "I-is that okay?"
I sighed. "Yes, fine." I watched the pegasus leave, then turned to Pinkie. "Looks like it's just the two of us, huh?"
Pinkie kicked at the dirt floor with her hoof.
I growled. "Lemme guess-- you wanna look for what's-his-face"
"Sorry, Twilight. Guess you get to do what you want."
Pinkie bounced off, leaving me alone in the musty barn.
"Woo-hoo..."
~~~~~
I made my slow way home, not bothering to dodge around the crowd. I simply fell into place behind a cream-colored earth pony, and followed the flow of traffic until I reached home.
I had wasted a great part of the day maneuvering through the streets, and it was now nearing sundown. Based upon my calculations, we had a good four and a half hours of life left in us.
I threw myself across the bed, staring unblinking at the ceiling. Spike was already gone, probably off going bingo-bango-bongo with Rarity. Actually, the idea made me sick. The fact the Spike and Rarity--
"Eugh!" I said exclaimed out loud, pulling the pillow over my face. What had I started? God, as soon as I break up, it's like the floodgates have opened. All of a sudden, all of my friends are 'occupied' with strange matches or complete strangers.
And that's when I had a brilliant idea.
I jumped up, snagged an inkwell and quill, and ran down the stairs. I used my magic to light a candle, then sat down and began to write:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned
I stopped. Why was I doing this? I knew what I really wanted to do.
I prepared my quill, testing on a piece of scrap parchment, and then began to write.
Hi.
Today has been a day of secrets and ridicule.I'm going to tell you exactly what I think about you.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Your school is stupid. The only thing I have to look forward to in your sorry lesson plans are the weekends off, when I can brood about all the things you made me do during the week. That, and the times you would use your disappearing trick. I'd search for you for hours, then find you unconscious in the wine cellar. Guess that says a lot about you.
Of course, your best trick by far was the one where you conveniently forget about you god-like powers when Equestria has issues. I mean, sure, you use them to open your flashy storeroom where you keep the elements, but you can't use some kind of summoning spell to get the BUCKING THINGS BACK?! Sure, you use your wit and charm to gain tickets to the gala, but you can't remember from LESS THAN A WEEK AGO THAT I HAVE FIVE FRIENDS?! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME I NEEDED TO MAKE FIVE FRIENDS YOU MOTHERBUCKING SON-OF-MULE!
By the way, thanks for saving my FIVE friends and I from the apocalypse. I'm glad you care.
Your P.O.ed fellow princess,
Twilight bucking Sparkle
P.S.
I'm sending this letter to your sister first. I like her better. And she was evil.
Maybe you should take lessons.
I sighed contentedly. That seemed perfect.
I was about to call for Spike when I remembered he was off doing... things with Rarity.
I shook my head, clearing the dirty thoughts.
"I'll just have to send it myself." I proclaimed out loud, though it was not necessary. I powered up my horn, and the letter exploded into purple dust. "There. Perfect."
It was mere seconds before I received a reply.
Dear Twilight,
I like Sunset Shimmer better.
The paper was cruelly crumpled up and hurled toward the wastebasket. Despite the fact that I had just completely debased Princess Celestia in front of her younger sister, the comment hurt. Not enough to cry, but enough to send a second letter.
You...
You smell worse than a mule in the sun. Your hair is ugly, stupid, and kinda reminds me of Easter egg puke. Your face is plot-ugly, and it's enough to make me want to twist my own head off so I don't have to look at it. Your so-called 'magic powers' aren't even enough to get your younger sister to stop being evil. Speaking of which, did you ask her about her time on the moon? I can guarantee it was cold, lonely, painful, and did not improve her sour state of mind. Nice going. Also, I think you should know that even the mighty dragons think lowly of you. But, I'm sure I didn't have to tell you that.
My life has been no better than it was when I was a hermit. The non-fiction, scientific theory books were more entertaining than your lectures.
On the whole, (since you are probably too stupid to handle that much reading) you are a boring waste of time, and even Queen Chrysalis is prettier than you.
I sent this letter promptly, expecting the next reply to drop from right above me. I waited, impatiently, pacing around the room. Finally, I heard the charged sound of a letter coming through.
I understand now that you will never give up until I have given you a full report. Therefore, it is now my turn to talk to you about your worst qualities.
Well, let's start off by saying that it took you nearly twenty years and an Equestria-wide disaster to get you to make friends. If anything, that's just pathetic. In fact, most things about you can be described as pathetic. Mostly, your plans and schemes for solving problems. Once you get one of your stupid ideas into your head, it is absolutely impossible to get you to change your mind. So, we will add 'stubborn' to the list.
Secondly, I have seen you do a lot more brushing off and putting aside than actual friendship on your part. Sure, Twilight Sparkle has some cute little friends. But does she ever allow them to lend her a hoof when it really matters? Of course not. She's too busy reading to even acknowledge their existence, let alone listen to this impossibly important message that has to do with the fate of your friends, Ponyville, or perhaps even all of Equestria. Please add 'bookworm' to the ever-growing list of flaws.
Next, you are an enormous teacher's pet. I don't even have anything to do with this. It's like we are attached at the ankle sometimes. I have a life too, you know. It'd be nice if you would quit clinging and let me get on with it. I am sure this would good for you as well. Mark down 'Teacher's Pet' for future reference.
Also, you take the little things way too seriously. You don't seem to bat an eye over the type of 'Fate of Equestria hangs in the balance' missions I usually send you on. But a scheduling issue? Now, that is reason to cast a curse over the entire town of Ponyville, lose a week's worth of sleep over, and nearly kill your friends. I have heard ponies call this by a cute name, 'worry wart,' but let's tell it like it is. You are extremely paranoid without good reason.
Finally, the worst offense of all, you take credit for things your friends have done for you. I don't even think I need to explain this one further. You steal your friends' thunder even more often than you steal treats from Sugar Cube corner. Don't try to deny it, I know that you take advantage of your friendship with Pinkie Pie.
The master list:
Pathetic
Anti-social
Stubborn
Bookworm
Teacher's Pet
Paranoid
'Takes Advantage'
Have a nice day.
The funny thing was, at this point I couldn't really get mad. My anger was spent. I calmly set the note down on my desk, then walked over to my bed and laid down. I stared at the ceiling for a while, the dappled sunlight warming me in patches. I watched the sky turn orange and pink as sundown came for the very last time. I glanced over at Spike's small dog bed. He'd always wanted a bigger one. I had promised him that he would have one soon. Not soon enough, I suppose. Too late.
Spike's blanket was laying a good foot away from his basket. he must have left in quite a hurry. He wanted to be with Rarity so badly, that little blue blanket had fallen away. He had grown out of it, I think. A long time ago, actually. But he held onto it because it was important. For a very long time, most of his life, that piece of cloth was the most important thing to him. It was his world, and I knew it. He could never lose that little blanket. He could never lose that piece of himself.
It actually made me cry, that little blanket. Just to think that a few words from Rarity's mouth had changed his world so drastically, so entirely, that the blanket wasn't important.
And then I realized something.
Words. Words were all that were needed to change a life, reverse a world, topple cities, raise empires. And the last words I had said to my teacher, a mare so close to me she was like a mother, were mean ones. And they weren't even face to face. She was right. I was pathetic.
And then I realized something else.
A couple of words could change minds. A few words could spark beliefs. I mean, god knows if Celestia actually used her magic to raise the sun. She had only told us.
Come to think of it, had I actually seen any zombies? It sounded... pretty stupid, to be honest. Had anypony actually gotten sick and died? Not to my knowledge. And not to Pinkie Pie's either. She knew everypony. She would have been a mess if anypony had actually died!
Something was fishy. It sure seemed like a good time to have one last adventure to me.
~~~~~
Dear Celestia. I swear, if I had to make my way through that damn crowd one more time, I was going to hang myself. I can say, with honesty, that more than one pony was put between the ground and my hooves on the way to Sugar Cube Corner.
By the time I made it to the door, it was dark out. I knew that entering might be hazardous, because at this point, the place was probably stuffed to the gills with terminally drunk ponies. And probably a few terminally obese ones, too.
Did I just make a fat joke? Jeez, my mind is going. I needed to get the gang together PDQ if I was going to come out the other side of this the same.
I practically knocked down the door, frantically dodging a flying cider glass. Oh, yeah. This place was a drunkards' hole, alright. Slurred speech filled the air and the sour scents of alcohol and vomit choked me on the way inside. More than one pony was out cold on the floor, and several were trying to play the choking game now that their pockets were empty of bits.
All in all, it was a bad scene. But then, I probably didn't need to tell you that. It was definitely not a normal setup for Sugar Cube Corner. You probably already knew that, too, but... what can I say. i guess i'm a bit redundant, too.
It wasn't hard to spot Pinkie. She was swabbing at a yellow-green-brown puddle on the floor. I didn't have the guts to lend a hoof, or even ask her what it was. I swallowed hard, willing myself not to puke, and blended in with the crowd as Pinkie finished up. I saw her gag visibly as she tossed the saturated rag into a garbage can. The throw was accompanied by a wet-sounding plop.
I tried to call her name, but as soon as my mouth was open, the rim of a beer can was shoved against it. A particularly dumb-sounding stallion slurred something of a pick-up line, and I spat the the bitter-tasting liquid at him. He growled at the stinging drink dripping into his eyes, but I managed to get away from him before he could do anything crazy.
If only Spike were here. Item three on his bucket list is to be involved in a bar fight. He would have been overjoyed.
I weaved through the crowd toward Pinkie, a number of plots making contact with me more times than was comfortable. I followed her up to her apartment, finally getting above the overwhelming scents of liquor and bile. I gasped at the clean air, and Pinkie whirled around.
We were silent for a while. The roaring din of slurred speech and shattering glass hung in the air between us.
"I knew you'd be here," I finally said.
"Oh. So... you knew I'd fail?"Pinkie said quietly, barely audible over the noise downstairs.
I nodded. Pinkie's hair deflated a bit.
"I'm sorry, Pinkie. I'm sorry for what happened today, I'm sorry for the way I acted... and I'm sorry for the things i said about you," I gushed.
Pinkie looked confused. "You didn't... say anything about me."
Whoops. That's right. I'd never actually shared my feelings... mostly we just... talked about romance. "I mean... I just, erm-- I-isn't that why you were upset?" I laughed sheepishly. "Because I... said something that, uh... offended you?"
"N-no..." Pinkie stuttered, looking at me like I had Parasprites for eyes.
I laughed again, awkwardly. "Heh, heh... okay..."
"Okie-dokie..." Pinkie murmured.
I swallowed hard.
"I forgive you."
"Wha?"
Before I could process what was happened, I was squeezed within an inch of my life in a tight embrace. I hugged her back, feeling a bit of a weight lift from the pit of my stomach. I let out a great sigh, feeling so much better inside that I almost forgot about the others.
Almost.
"Pinkie, we gotta stop by Rarity's, and then head to Sweet Apple Acres. It's... really important."
"Again?" Pinkie wondered, the usual bouncy tone returning to her voice.
"Heh.. yeah, again..."
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" She bolted past me, wiggling her way through the crowd of intoxicated ponies and flying out the door. I followed as quickly as I could, dodging a couple more slow-motion punches on my way.
We wasted no time, and galloped around the ponies on the sidewalk and in the street. Fortunately, the crowds were thinning, and we could now move with relative ease.
I'm going to skip the part about Rarity and Spike... it was a little more than awkward. All I'm going to say is that their baby-talk was getting in the way of forward motion to Applejack's.
I wish I could skip the part about Applejack's. But... I'm gonna have to tell this part, so... here goes.
Just when Pinkie and I had become accustomed to the air free from the scents of liquor, we walked into the Apple Family house. I swear, if I didn't know better, I would have said we were swimming in strong cider. Right in the middle of the fog of alcohol sat Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Off to the side was Fluttershy, sitting straight-backed next to an equally awkward Big Mac.
"Wul, hey Twi..." slurred Rainbow, obviously to drunk to think clearly let alone speak.
"Uh... hi..." I murmured, choking on the stench of her breath.
"Me 'n AJ here 've been whooping it up," she enunciated, over-pronouncing the silent 'H' in whoop.
"I... can see that."
"D'you know how much AJ can down in one swallow? Like... thiiiiiiiiiis much."Rainbow made some sort of indication of measurement, though it was completely beyond me. She then belched loudly. "Whoa! I gotta slow down..."
I was silent. This was inconceivable. She was completely and utterly smashed. And I am sure of one thing: all of my shock and disgust was written clearly across my face.
"I c'n do that better'n you..." AJ mumbled. She belched louder, and pretty forcefully. She then passed out.
"Ha! I lasted longer'n you..." Rainbow was down now, too.
"Uh..." Pinkie looked severely freaked out.
"No worries. There's a spell for that." I powered up my horn, a small lavender cloud hovering over the stomachs of the two ponies. After a few minutes, Rainbow Dash woke groggily.
Of course, the first thing out of Rainbow's mouth was, "The buzz is gone. Time for more."
"NO! No more! We've gotta do something."
"Well, what about Fluttershy over there? She looks a bit... unmotivated."
I know it's mean. But I had to do it. I ran over to Big Mac, and put a gentle hoof on his shoulder. "Fluttershy has an astronomical crush on you." I turned away and let them work that out.
"Hey, AJ. Get up." I gave Applejack a kick in the side. "You know you can die like that?"
"Huh?"
"Great, you're awake. Okay, listen up. Fluttershy and Pinkie, I need you over here." I whirled around and stuck my head out the window. ""HEY! Playground sweethearts! You're needed inside."
Further censoring required for baby talk.
"Okay, here's the deal: It's fake. I'm not exactly sure how, but there's no way this can be real."
"Wait... what?" Rarity was clearly confused. "What's fake?"
"This! The whole apocalypse deal! It's not real, it's some kind of setup. So we've gotta stop it. " I stomped my hoof authoritatively.
"Aw... do we hafta? I've got a splitting headache..." Rainbow complained, rubbing her temples.
"It's a hangover. You'll live."
"Don't you have a spell, or...?" Rainbow begged.
"No. You drank all that cider. You deserve it," I said, "Okay, listen up: We--"
"But I didn't think I was gonna hafta deal with it!" Rainbow whined, probably only making the headache worse.
I stuck my hoof in her mouth. "Okay, let's try this again: We need to get out of Ponyville."
"But how?" Applejack asked. "'Case ya hadn't noticed, there's a great big wall around it. Plus-- what makes you think it's a setup in the first place?"
"I think Pinkie Pie can answer that." I said simply.
"I can?" Pinkie asked, confused.
"Yes! It was a 'plague,' right?"
There was a collective sound of affirmation.
"Wrong! Nopony actually died! Somepony just told us that they had. And Pinkie Pie knows that for sure!" I pointed toward her.
Pinkie looked like she was deep in thought, then said slowly, "Oh, yeah! You're right! Oh my gosh, you're right!"
"Well, don't act so surprised..."
"Oh my GOSH! How did i not notice that?"
I sighed, "That's not the point! The point is, we need to get to Canterlot. I have a feeling our questions will be answered there."
"Allow me to repeat myself. How?" Applejack reminded us.
"Well... it's not a dome, right?" Rainbow said. I guess her headache wasn't bothering her so much anymore. "Let's use the hot air balloon!"
~~~~~
"Pinkie, hooves off the wheel!" I called over the wind. Even in the dark, it was obvious that the pitching and tossing of the balloon was due to Pinkie's fake steering. I looked over at Rarity, taking note that her face was nearing an unattractive avocado color.
"Why? Rainbow's steering!" Pinkie attempted to explain.
"Just--" I smacked the back of her wrist. The balloon's flight path straightened out immediately.
"Oh... gosh, you're smart!"
Rarity's face slowly faded to a spring green, and then back to white. I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Come on, Fluttershy!" Rainbow's voice came to us over the howling wind. "Pick up the pace!"
"We're nearly there. We're gonna make it!" I consoled Rarity. Pinkie had her head sticking out the side of the basket, her tongue flapping behind her. Her hair, however, didn't move an inch.
"There! Rainbow, land there!" I yelled suddenly. Rainbow Dash stopped on a dime, turning downward and heading toward the spot I had pointed at.
We loaded out of the balloon as quietly as possible, which really wasn't very quiet at all. We were trying to help Applejack get untangled from the ropes, when suddenly a yellow light fell over her face.
"Halt! In the name of-- Twilight?"
I turned, looking past the flashlight, and seeing a very familiar face. "Flash?"
"H-hey, sweetie." Flash stuttered.
I stood up, looking him right in the eye. And slapped him. "You're a complete jerk, you know that?"
Flash looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry. There isn't anything I can do. It's a... it's a military drill."
"What in the hay kinda drill is this?" Applejack butted in. "You've freaked out all of Equestria, you idiot!"
"Well, it wasn't my idea! Plus, it... it wasn't meant to get out like this. The drill is over. It has been for a while now." Flash explained.
"So... why haven't you told everypony? They're all still panicking!" I told him.
Flash sighed dramatically. "Come on. I'll show you."
~~~~~
The sounds of seven sets of hooves and two small claws echoed loudly in the large halls of Canterlot castle. I knew these corridors like the back of my hoof, so I knew exactly where Flash was taking us.
"This was the Princess' idea?" I asked timidly.
Flash nodded solemnly. I swallowed hard.
"She had a reason. I wouldn't call it a good one, but it was a reason." Flash muttered, his words bouncing around off the domed ceiling.
I brought my pace to a trot, pushing open the double doors aggressively. "Celestia!" I yelled, "What the buck is wrong with-- huh?" I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Oh, Twilight. We-- I mean, I am pleased to see you." Luna stumbled over the words, still unaccustomed to our modern way of speaking.
I stuttered, trying to form my thoughts into an understandable sentence.
"I'm sure you're here because of our little experiment." Luna came toward me. "We-- I am sorry. My sister, Princess Celestia, wanted me to begin lessons in friendship as well. I designed this experiment to prove to her that it was unnecessary."
"What?" I asked, still confused.
Luna placed a gentle hoof on my shoulder. She then saw the other ponies waiting in the hall. "Please! Enter, friends of Twilight!"
She turned her attention back to me. "Twilight, I wanted to see how you and your friends reacted to the news. I wanted to see how your relations would be changed."
I pushed Luna's hoof away. "N-no! You can't do that! You realize that the rest of Equestria believed this stupid idea, right? Ponies have been spending obscene amounts of cash! They've put their pets down, for crying out loud!"
"Oh..."
"Yeah, 'oh!' You've caused nation-wide panic to get ou of another couple of years of schooling!" I shrieked.
"Oh..."
I blathered angrily, spouting more than a few words I'm not proud of.
"Well... well it was your own faults!" Luna spouted. "It wasn't a very elaborate scheme, it was just... a rumor that I spread. It wasn't very hard to unravel. Anyway, I've got plenty of data and I'll set things right in a moment. So, thank you. You all performed beautifully."
At this point, I was closer to homicide than accepting that thank you, and I was about to blow my top when a soft voice came from behind me.
"Hello, Twilight" Princess Celestia greeted me with a hoof on my head.
I practically swatted it away. "You! You can't try to make up with me now! You want 'pathetic?' I'll show you 'pathetic!'" I threw a quick punch that connected with Celestia's lower jaw. There was a tap on my back, and a whirled to face a blue hoof colliding with my snout.
I don't really know what happened, but suddenly it was an all-out brawl. The three of us, the rulers, three ponies to be respected and followed, were rolling on the floor, kicking and biting one another. I had several feathers pulled out of my wings, and I think Luna got a chunk of hair from my mane.
For the most part, I think my friends just stood there in awe. After a couple of minutes, however, I felt a claw of my shoulder, dragging me away from the others. I continued kicking and yelling, my reaction delayed a bit by multiple blows to the head.
"Twilight! Calm down!" Spike was yelling, trying to hold me down. It probably looked a bit like when Rarity gives Opal a bath.
"I'm not GONNA calm down! They've ruined lives!" I shrieked.
"Wh-what?" Celestia stuttered, in a bit of a shock.
"You heard me! You've messed up all of Ponyville, at the very least!" I shook off Spike, standing tall before Celestia. Unfortunately, I was still a good bit shorter than she was. "You let Luna run her stupid 'experiment,' so this is your fault as much as it is hers."
I recieved a blank stare.
"You... did okay her experiment... right?" I asked hopefully.
"What 'experiment?'" Celestia asked, confused. She turned to Luna. "Can you explain this?"
"Um... we may have... caused some panic..." Luna murmured. "And insulted your favorite student..."
~~~~~
I'd like to say I remember Celestia banishing Luna to the moon again, and everypony's problems being solved.
The truth is, I don't remember anything.
Luna punched me for tattling and I blacked out.
I remember, fuzzily, waking up in my own bed the next morning, with Spike snoozing peacefully beside me. I rolled out of bed, shaking Spike awake gently.
"Spike! Spike, what happened?" I asked him, as his eyes opened groggily.
Spike mumbled something. I caught 'moon,' 'Princess,' and 'zombies' several times, but the rest was a mystery.
The streets outside my window had returned to normal. Ponies were bustling around, carrying bags and dragging their foals to store after store. Completely normal.
I trotted out the door, leaving Spike to wake up slowly.
It smelled the same. The wall was gone. How many days had I slept through?
I was feeling happy, almost giddy. Everything was back to normal. Nothing to worry about. And, hopefully, Luna had given up on the whole 'friendship' thing.
I was almost back into my own groove, myself, when a frantic Pinkie galloped up to me.
"Twilight! You gotta duck and cover! Nuclear fallout! It's coming!" She yelled.
Well, here we go again.
Author's Note
Hello!
This was a bit of an experimental piece, used for delving into personality, thought structure, and meaningful dialouge.
Hope you all enjoy it!
It sure was fun to write!
