The Cutie Mark Crusaders Plan a Murder

by Zalekai

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Cheerilee, Big Macintosh, Random, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 3103

When three little foals think two ponies are still madly in love, they're willing to do whatever it takes to separate them.

Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom have exhausted all options, but it seems as though Big Mac and Cheerilee are still going at it. So they decide to take drastic measures, and murder their school teacher.

Published 2013-07-26 00:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-26 00:00:02 UTC

Killing Things, and Other Foalhood Favorites

"That bitch!" Scootaloo cried, stepping into her and her friends' clubhouse.

The darkness of the Cutie Mark Crusader's Clubhouse was quickly snuffed as Sweetie Belle flipped on a light switch, bathing the childish play-room in a warm glow. Scootaloo continued stomping into the room, cracking the wood slightly as the rage in her veins caused steam to nearly emit from her nostrils. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle exchanged nervous glances from across the front door-way before heading in as well, cautiously approaching their angry friend.

"Scoots, in all fairness, it wuz' our fault." Apple Bloom said with a shrug, stepping beside her pegasus friend as she stared out the window.

"Yeah, I guess we'll just have to accept the fact that our teacher is now reduced to the intelligence of a 12 year-old swag-foal." Sweetie Belle said, looking over Scootaloo to her bow-wearing friend.

Apple Bloom sighed and frowned slightly, looking out the window as well.

"No!" Scootaloo said, slamming a hoof down on the window sill.

Her two friends froze, their pupils shrinking in fear at the sudden burst of sound.

"This wasn't our fault! We were just trying to help!" she continued, looking around for a second, searching for her next words. "She's the stupid dumb idiot for not accepting our help!"

As Scootaloo motioned out the window, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom's ears fell in sync, their frowns growing larger.

"She's right." Sweetie Belle said quietly after a few moments.

Apple Bloom sighed once more, resting her elbows on the window sill. The sun was just beginning to sink over the horizon, ending Hearts and Hooves day, and probably the rest of their lives.

"W-Well... What if they wer' just kiddin' with us? It seemed like it worked on'a'count'a how serious they wer'!" Apple Bloom said, looking back to her friends.

Scootaloo narrowed her eyebrows, a scowl crossing her face as she looked to Apple Bloom.

"Nopony is capable of that cruelty... Did you hear those nicknames they were giving eachother? I felt like I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth!" Scootaloo said sternly.

"You don't have those!" Sweetie Belle said, narrowing her eyebrows as well.

"How would you know?! We haven't had anatomy yet!" she replied angrily.

"Because I don't! I'm pretty sure Rarity doesn't! Apple Bloom, check yourself!" Sweetie Belle said, nodding to Apple Bloom.

The filly raised an eyebrow but looked between her legs regardless, finding absolutely nothing because they're cartoon horses.

"Ah got nothin'." she said with a shrug.

Sweetie Belle pointed to Apple Bloom, both eyebrows raised, with an expression that screamed; "See? I told you, you fucking idiot." Scootaloo stared stone-faced at her unicorn friend.

"Wait, you guys don't-?" Scootaloo said, quickly cutting herself off. "Never mind! Something has to be done here!"

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom shared yet another nervous glance before shaking their heads in confusion and looking to the ground in sync.

"Yeah... Ah know... Any ideas?" Apple Bloom asked, looking back up at her friends.

"Uhh... Do we have access to an African Turkey-Baster and 6 tons of Elephantiasis Extract?" Sweetie Belle asked in return.

"No, we used the rest of it last week." Scootaloo said with a frown.

"What about trying to separate them agin', like it said in tha' book?" Apple Bloom asked.

"No... Reading is for nerds." Scootaloo said, walking to the opposite side of the room.

As she took a seat, somewhere in the distance, Twilight Sparkle began crying for no reason whatsoever.

"Well, ah've got nuthin'. Sweetie's right. Life is over as we know it'." Apple Bloom said, taking a seat on the ground as well.

As the final Crusader took a seat, something clicked in Scootaloo's mind. Her eyes suddenly went wide at the sudden realization rolling across her mind, and sprang to her hooves.

"Guys! I've got it!" she chirped happily.

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom jumped up as well, confusion and excitement in their faces.

"What? What have you got?!" they asked.

"We kill miss Cheerilee!" Scootaloo said, landing back on her hooves.

The two crusaders faces' immediately fell into complete confusion, Apple Bloom facehoofing and motioning to Sweetie Belle.

"Go get tha' funnel again." she said with a sigh.

Sweetie Belle nodded and began walking to the exit of the tree house.

"No! I'm not having an episode this time!" Scootaloo said quickly, causing Sweetie Belle to stop.

"Wait, you're serious?" the squeaky foal asked, turning back around.

"Guys, think about it. If Cheerilee is out of the picture, they'll just hire a new teacher, and Big Mac will be freed! He'll most likely go into a deep depression and kill himself when he becomes elderly, but freed nonetheless!" Scootaloo said, a bright smile on his face.

Apple Bloom smiled as well, looking around the room in thought.

"Hey... Yeah! and I'll have long since severed ties with my family because ah'm such a rebellious spirit!" she said, happily.

"You're kidding right...?" Sweetie Belle chimed in.

"Ah'll give you a gumball." Apple Bloom said, nodding to her.

"This sounds like a great idea!" she replied, her voice squeaking slightly.

"So it's agreed? We take this bitch out?" Scootaloo said, rubbing both hooves together.

"Yeah!"

All three fillies threw their hooves into a circle, bright smiles painted across their cute lil' faces.

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Serial Killers!"

* * *

A thick blanket of darkness enveloped the entirety of the Cutie Mark Crusaders club house, save for a small light hanging above a worn-down wooden table. The three fillies, all dressed from hoof to forehead in black, Scootaloo wearing a black cap and Sweetie Belle wearing a full ski-mask, were hunched over the table, closely examining the floor plans of Cheerilee's home.

"So... Where should we come in at?" Scootaloo asked, pointing to various windows and doors on blueprint.

"Uhhh... Ah'd guess one of the bedroom windows?" Apple Bloom said with a shrug.

"Nahhh, that's what she'd expect. We should come through the downstairs, kill any of the pets she has, then go upstairs and do the deed." Sweetie Belle said with a nod.

Scootaloo's backed away slightly with a disgusted expression, looking at Sweetie Belle like she was a mental patient.

"What the hell Sweetie Belle?!" she asked in disbelief.

"What?" Squeaky Belle asked in return.

"Do the deed?! What are we going to do, make sweet love to her?!"

Apple Bloom sighed and raised a hoof.

"Ah'll volunteer if somepony's gotta'." the filly said, looking down.

Scootaloo shook her head and slammed both hooves on the table.

"No! We're trying to get her out of love, not screw her brains out!" she said, narrowing her eyebrows at both friends.

She then pointed to a window leading into Cheerilee's kitchen on the floor plans.

"Does this work?" she asked.

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom nodded in response, Scootaloo nodding as well. After the agreement was reached, Scootaloo reached beneath the table and retrieved a large gym-bag, it's contents rattling and clanking as she slammed it on the table and unzipped it. From it she pulled a large, savage-looking, homemade shank.

"Sweet Celestia, Scoots. Things like that take a lot of Kahunas' to make." Apple Bloom said, staring in awe at the knife.

Scootaloo glared at her friend for a second, receiving only a shrug. After a moment, she simply rolled her eyes and pointed her empty hoof to the bag.

"Go ahead, pick something, and never say anything relating to stallion anatomy in my presence again." she said, stepping away from the table.

Apple Bloom stepped forward first, reaching into the bag and pulling out a large hammer.

"Awh, yeah!" she said with a vicious smile.

"Awesome, Apple Bloom! What's left?!" Sweetie Belle said, reaching into the bag ecstatically.

She frowned slightly however as she grasped the only thing left in the bag and pulled it out.

"A rock?" she asked, eyeing it with an eyebrow raised.

"Well yeah, my uncle Jimmy keeps all of his weapons locked up in his closet." Scootaloo said, pointing to the rock. "You'll like that one, it's a series #12."

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes and sighed.

"I guess it's better than nothing."

"Right, we all set then?" Apple Bloom asked, strapping her hammer to her side.

Scootaloo nodded, doing the same with her weapon.

"Yeah... Let's do this." the pegasus said with an evil grin.

* * *

Scootaloo looked around cautiously as she stepped into Cheerilee's kitchen through the window. She walked softly, trying not to make any noise with her hooves as she took a few steps into the home. After making sure the coast was clear in the dark kitchen, she looked back to the window and waved a hoof.

"Charlie, Uhh... Alpha, Foxtron, Nueve', F-Zone is clear!" Scootaloo said in a hushed tone.

Upon her signal, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom crawled into the window as well, stepping low just as Scootaloo had done. The pegasus filly crouched even lower and pressed herself against one of the walls, motioning for her friends to do the same. They quickly obliged as she continued sliding down the wall, approaching a doorway. She stopped however, her ears perking up slightly.

"What's the hold up?" Apple Bloom asked, leaning closer to Scootaloo.

"I hear something... Sounds like a T.V?" she replied, a puzzled expression on her face.

"That's impossible, Cheerilee told us T.V causes lung cancer! Why would she have one in her own house?!" Sweetie Belle said.

Scootaloo shrugged and motioned to the next room.

"I don't know, but that means somepony is probably down here, keep it quiet." she said in a whisper.

Her friends nodded and followed as the sly pegasus slid into the next room, still hugging the wall closely. Before the three fillies was the backside of a couch, light from a television shining from in front of it. A stallion was lazily sitting on the couch, watching the T.V as it proceeded to give him lung cancer.

"That must be Big Mac." Sweetie Belle whispered, pointing to the back of the stallions mane.

Apple Bloom squinted at the stallions back-face and raised an eyebrow.

"That's not mah' brother... Big Mac's mane is all... Orange-ish." she replied, pointing to the stallion's black mane.

"Wait a minute... So... Cheerilee is cheating on Big Mac?! I thought they were in love!" Scootaloo asked sharply.

"Ah guess so... That bitch!" Apple Bloom replied.

Scootaloo scowled and looked to the stallion, retrieving the shank from her waist.

"You two head on upstairs, I'll tie up this loose end." she said, taking a step toward the couch.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle nodded, breaking away from the shank-brandishing pegasus and heading upstairs. As they reached the stairs, several savage slashes and muffled screams of pain could be heard from the other room, along with the sound of blood splattering across the floor and most likely on the wall. As they began their accent up the stairs, Scootaloo quickly rounded the corner and trotted towards them, the knife's handle in her mouth, blood splattered over the front of her coat and some of her face. She groaned and spit the knife onto the ground with an angered expression.

"Yuck! That game lied, backstabs are not an insta-kill!" She said, walking up the stairs after them.

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom shrugged as they continued up the stairs, eventually reaching Cheerilee's room.

"This is it girls... You ready?" Apple Bloom asked, brandishing her hammer as she placed a hoof on the door.

Squeaky Bell and Scootaloo nodded, stacking up behind her. The farm filly took a deep breath and lunged forward, turning the knob and rushing into Cheerilee's room. The door flew open as the weight of three fillies was thrown into it, and slammed against the wall, causing a loud slam! to echo throughout the home. The Cutie Mark Crusaders screamed as they charged full-force into their school teacher's room, causing Cheerilee to spring awake instantly, and sit up in her bed.

"G-Girls?" she asked, slightly confused as she rubbed the tired out of her eyes.

"EQUESTRIA!" Sweetie Belle screamed as she savagely threw the rock at her teacher's head.

It collided with a sickening crack and caused the tired school teacher to tumble out of the bed, instinctively bringing a hoof to her newly created head wound as it began to bleed slightly.

"Ow! Girls, what are you-?!" Cheerilee tried to shout.

She was cut off however, as three fillies began piling on and savagely punching her. Sweetie Belle latched onto her face and began slamming both hooves down on her head as Apple Bloom latched onto a foreleg and began biting it, all the while Scootaloo was repeatedly jumping up and down on Cheerilee's stomach.

"Take that you swag-filly!" Sweetie Belle shouted as she continued her assault.

"You brought this on yourself!" Scootaloo shouted as well, jumping up and down as her teacher oof'd! and ahh'd! under the weight of her plops.

"Apple Bloom, go take watch, we'll take care of her!" Sweetie Belle said, looking down to her shin-biting friend.

The filly released her teeth from Cheerilee's flesh and gave a salute as she jumped to her hooves and made a sprint for the bedroom door. She stopped dead however, as she heard a familiar voice echoing from downstairs.

"Cheerilee? Yah' still up? Ah just came back ta' grab mah' wallet!" Big Mac called.

Apple Bloom continued out of the bedroom door and sprinted to the stairs. She saw Big Mac start towards the kitchen and called down to him.

"Big Macintosh?! Did you just call her-? What happened to 'Shmoopy-Pie'?!" she asked frantically.

"Apple Bloom?! Yah' broke us out of that, 'member?! What in Luna's grace are you doin' in Cheerilee's house, it's way past yur' bed-time!" he called back.

"Broke you out of that?! But you- Before you left the- and you called her- WHAT?!"

Macintosh opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off as a rather loud snap! sounded from Cheerilee's room.

"What in tarnation was that?!" Macintosh asked, taking a step towards the stairs.

"Uhh, wait there big brother!" she said, sprinting back to Cheerilee's room.

Upon entering the room, she noticed Scootaloo bending Cheerilee's leg the wrong way as her teacher howled in pain, Sweetie Belle cheering her on from the side.

"Stop!" the farm-filly shouted, causing Scootaloo to freeze and look to her.

"What?! Why?!" Scootaloo asked, dropping the foreleg.

"Mah' brother is down stairs!" Apple Bloom shouted frantically.

"What?! Really?!" Sweetie Belle asked in disbelief.

"Yeah! We gotta go, now!"

Scootaloo looked to Sweetie Belle and waved her over to Apple Bloom.

"Go! I'll handle this!" she said frantically.

"No, Scoots, she's not-!" Apple Bloom began.

"Just go! I'll finish it!" Scootaloo said as Sweetie Belle began sprinting out of the room.

Before the farm filly could finish, Sweetie Belle shoved her out of the room and shut the door, just as Big Mac began climbing the stairs.

"Girls, you bettur' tell me what's goin' on right now!" he said, a scowl on his face.

As her friends left, Scootaloo reached into her pocket and retrieved a small, glowing and bubbling, purple vial. The bubbles formed the shape of hearts and then dissipated as the liquid in the vial fizzed.

"Saved this for plan B!" Scootaloo said, uncapping the vial and shoving it in her teacher's mouth.

Cheerilee had no choice but gulp down the glowing purple-liquid and close her eyes as it stung her throat. Scootaloo then broke the glass vial over her teacher's head and trotted hurriedly out of the room, just in time to meet Big Macintosh, angrily staring at her two friends.

"Well?!" he asked angrily.

"We were just, uhhh... We were-" Apple Bloom said, stumbling over her words.

"Ah know when yous' lyin' to me, sis'." Mac said sternly.

"We were just uhh... Checking on Cheerilee!" Scootaloo said, breathing heavily.

"Oh yeah?" he asked, eyebrow raised. "Open the door, Apple Bloom."

"Ah uhh... Don't think that's a very good idea..." she replied, running a hoof along the back of her neck.

"Apple Bloom. Ah said open it!" Big Mac said, raising his voice slightly.

The farm filly sighed and hung her head, gently pushing open the door to Cheerilee's room. Big Mac cautiously stepped past the three fillies and into the darkness of the school teacher's bedroom. He raised an eyebrow as the sounds of slurping and smooching echoed throughout the room, and reached for the light switch, bathing the room in light. Cheerilee was across from him sitting against her bed, bleeding from several gashes in her body, bruises lining her face and stomach, tears streaming down her face as she violently kissed at a small, white lamp. She tenderly caressed it, licked the lamp shade, kissed it's soft lamp-limps, and whispered sweet nothings to it.

"Uhh... Ch-Cheerilee?" Mac asked, confused.

Cheerilee looked up from the slobbery lamp, tears still streaming from her cheeks.

"WHAT?!" she shouted in return, causing Big Mac to step back a bit.

"Ah... Uhh..." he replied, trying to search for his words.

"YOU WHAT, MACINTOSH?! HUH?! YOU THINK THIS IS WRONG?!" Cheerilee asked, cuddling the lamp closely.

"No, ah just uhh.... Wanna know-"

"Save it, cheeseburger... You're old news..."

Mac squinted slightly in confusion.

"I-I..." Cheerilee said quietly. "I love lamp..."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders slowly peeked into the doorway as they heard those three heart-warming wards.

"I love lamp." she said again.

Macintosh began backing away slowly as she began to feverishly kiss the lamp once more.

"I LOVE LAMP!" she screamed, moaning into the lamp.

After several more steps, Macintosh turned around and closed the door behind him, looking down to the three fillies.

"Did you three have anything ta' do with this'?" he asked, extremely confused.

"Uhhh... No. I don't think so. Not at all." Sweetie Belle said, looking to her friends. "You guys?"

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom shook their heads in-sync, causing Big Macintosh to sigh and approach the stairs.

"Ah guess we should just find Cheerilee's brother and let 'im know his sister's gone bonkers." he said.

Scootaloo's eyes quickly went wide, and she rushed down the stairs, opening the front door.

"UHHHH, Let's not worry about that! You should get home after a long day of work!" she said, forcing a smile.

Macintosh paused for a moment on the stairs, then shook his head and walked out of the front door, the three fillies following closely behind.

"This is why' ah' don't socialize."

The End