It was a dark and stormy ... Gotcha ! Do you honestly that a story as great as mine is goin to start off soo cheesy ? You do ? Well fuck you ! Anyways , let this begin before the author has an aneurysm .
Shut the fuck up . Lets just start the story before I pass out .
Okaay , Jesus . On with the story !
I had just turn 23 not to long ago ,so I decided to spend it like the countless days leading up to it , specifcally so , drink my day away for no reason . Mostly because Nick had paid the house bill , leaving me to buy 3 rolls of Copehagen Straight dipping tobacco , and a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey , all the while typing up a report for my college professor on the Mulitverse theory during which , I would take little breaks to either pour a glass of whiskey or pack a lip of tobacco .
As the clock on my computer strikes 12 , I decide to stop drinking and to pack one last lip .
" Fuck ... 15 paragraphs in an hour ... I'd better get an A.. " I say saving my work and exiting Microsoft Word and stumbling from my roller chair and promptly on to the carpet in the same room . I must have hit my head harder than I thought because I was out faster than a snuffed flame .
As I begin to stir , I realize that opening my eyes is the worst possible thing to do , because when I do all I see are extremly vibrant colors , and combine that with a hangover , its pure hell .
" Fuck , ow ow ow . Sunlight bad , sunlight very bad . " I say experiencing the harshist hangover pain ever . Then it hits me , I should be face down in my carpet , but instead , I feel like I'm laying on ... grass ? Yep , after feeling around a bit , with opening my eyes , I identify the substance I'm laying on as , grass .
" Okay . Goddamn Nick ... When I get inside , I'm kicking your ass . " I say to my self , thinking this to be one of Nick's oh-so famous pranks . Oh was I ever wrong .
In the peaceful town of Ponyville , resided six beings that have just recently save the entire town , nay , the entire country of Equestria . They were regarded as the Elements Of Harmony , powerful beings that who use the magic of friendship to defeat creatures and evil being that wish harm on them and Equestria's native population ... The ponies . A mere day ago , a pony by the name of Twilight Sparkle had received a letter written by one Equestria's leaders , Princess Celestia , that her brother Shining Armor was getting married to a Princess with the name of Mi Amora Candenza , who Twilight has not heard of , even know she resided within the Royal Famliy for most of her life . While she is ranting to her friends , something strange catches her eye .
As I take off in a random direction , I start to wonder how far Nick had dragged me . Before I can think further I start to here a female voice ranting and raving about a , wedding ?
" What the fuck ? " I say , I mean talking about a wedding isnt weird , but when there are six ponies talking instead of humans , you start to wonder . As I'm about to nope the fuck outta there , until I was caught by a ... purple light ?
" Honestly , what the fuck ? " As I'm looking at the light , the ponies start to start at me , with the purple one in front of them with its horn engulfed in a purple aura .. wait horn ? And sure enough , it indeed has a horn " Fuck . A Unicorn , that can talk . Please tell me more about my drunken stupor of a dream . " I say with a smirk
" What tha hay are ya talkin' bout ? " says a slightly tanned looking pony
" Uh , this a dream right ? Because , I do believe that on Earth that ponies don't have horns and can talk . " I say with a slight chuckle . Then the cyan pony with ... wait for it .. RAINBOW hair fly's up to me . Wait , fly's ?
" Uh bub , don't forget about wings ." She says flapping her ( or I assume its a her ) wings .
" What in the .... Please someone kick me ...." I say sarcastically , unfortunately, they don't get sarcasm because as soon as the words leave my mouth , I receive a kick to the groin .... which in turn makes me black out ...
-Sometime later-
As I wake up , I find that instead of grass , I'm laying on a comfy bed .... Thank Christ , that was a trippy dream...
" Uh Twilight , I'm sorr' d'at I plum knock'd him out . " Says a familiar southern accent .
" Fuuuuccckkkkk ! " I sigh , realizing that I was indeed , kicked in the dick by a freight train .
" Oh , look , he is awake . How are you feeling ? " The unicorn by the name of Twilight ( I guess ) says . I look at her?.. with a unamused face .
" Well , My dick got shattered to a million pieces by miss kicks-a-lot over d'ere " I say pointing to the orange pony with a glare on my face .
"Well ya said to kick ya .. So I obligated didn't I ?" She says with a smirk .
"Shut ya whore mouth . Now , were in the fuck am I ? " I say rubbing my temple's to try and relive the headache I have .
" But I don't ..." She is quickly shut up by the stare I give her .
"Right ... Well .. Welcome to Equestria stranger ! " She says in a excited tone . I sigh
" Don't ya mean colorful hell ?" I say with a chuckle.
Life is never easy . Keep ya head up , and your nose clean . - Tristan Glenn
