Fallout Equestria: The Riff

by CartsBeforeHorses

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Dark
Length: 10786

CartsBeforeHorses and Prince Solstice do a Mystery Science Theater 3,000 style riff of the incredibly-long MLP crossover fic, Fallout: Equestria.

One of the longest ever MLP fanfics is getting the MST3K riff treatment from CartsBeforeHorses and Prince Solstice!

Fallout: Equestria! Riffed with permission from Kkat. Thanks, Kkat!
This story is unpublished so that I don't violate FimFiction's rule against published riffs.

Part of the Carts' Unicorn Theater canon. Check that out too, if you want.

THEME SONG:
In the not too distant future, in Twilight's library
Carts invited Solstice over to smoke a bowl of weed
But they were interrupted by Pinkie Pie
She had a devious look in her eye
She locked them up with their bongs
And made them riff a fanfic that's 600,000 words long!

"I'll send them this long fanfic
The longest I can find
They'll have to sit and read it all,
and I'll monitor their minds!"

Now keep in mind Carts can't control
where the fic begins or ends
He'll have to keep his sanity with the help of his pony friends!

Pony rollcall!
Twilight! "Hello."
The Dude! "You're not wrong, you're just an asshole."
Prince Solstice! "Weed."
GROOOOW!

If you're wondering how they can survive
And not die of lung cancer
Just repeat to yourself it's just a fic
In a fictional pony world!

In Mystery Fallout Theater: 3,000!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-27 06:44:37 UTC

Introduction and Prologue

Welcome to Prince Solstice’s and CartsBeforeHorses’ riff of Fallout:Equestria. Or, as we call our riff, Fallout: Equestriffa. Great, huh? So why are we riffing one of the most popular fanfics of all time? Well, it is a good fic, but obviously there is room for improvement in anything. And hey, anything is riffable! With all of that said, here is our riff of Fallout:Equestria by Kkat.

*We join our heroes as they are walking around Ponyville and bump into each other.*

Prince Solstice: Well, howdy... er... wait I haven’t met you yet have I?

CartsBeforeHorses: No, I don’t believe so. My name is CartsBeforeHorses, but you can call me Carts.

Prince Solstice: Fair enough, my name is Prince Solstice, but just call me Solstice or Sol for short.

Twilight Sparkle: Ooh, you’re royalty, too?

Solstice: Not in the way you think.

Carts: Oh yes, and this is Twilight. She and I have riffed a lot together. Ever since Pinkie transported me to Equestria and turned me into a unicorn.

Solstice: I see, and when I was teleported here, I woke up from a long toking session in a shed, with some pony named Jeff ‘The Dude’ Latrotski. He uh, he and I haven’t done a lot of riffing.

Carts: Ah, I see. Yeah, I used to smoke weed, but I quit. I just stick to my cancer sticks so that I can die and get this whole riffing thing over with as quick as possible.

Solstice: Sadly I am still enjoying it, after learning that Pinkie invades the place you’re staying at and locks you in there until you finish a riff.

Carts: Hotbox!

Solstice: Exactly. So The Dude and me just smoke and riff, but I had some free time and decided to wander around the neighborhood.

Twilight: Ah, Carts and I were just taking a walk, ourselves. We were just about to head back to the library.

Solstice: Cool beans man, whatcha gonna do back there?

Carts: Usually, Twilight just tries to teach me magic. And I normally fail, unless I’m reading bad fanfic, in which case I somehow learn spells from them. It’s really odd, actually.

Solstice: That sounds really bad for your health.

Twilight: Tell me about it. One time he learned a spell to make fake blood appear everywhere. It was a pain in the flank to clean up.

Carts: Yeah, I hardly ever learn anything useful. Unfortunately, because a lot of the fics that I read feature really OP spells in them used by alicorn OCs, but for whatever reason I can’t use them.

Solstice: Well, would you guys mind if I did a riff with ya? I still enjoy it.

Carts: Not at all! Normally Pinkie assigns us riffs when we have guests over, or even just when it’s the two of us alone in a room together. So let’s head back to the library and bring on the riff!

*Carts, Solstice, the Dude, and Twilight head back to Twilight’s library*

Solstice: I’ve always wondered how big your library really is.

Twilight: As big as the plot needs it to be.

Solstice: Yeah, I’ve noticed that it changes sizes occasionally.

Carts: Eh, you get used to it.

Solstice: So, because I’m over what do you think Pinkie will make us riff?

Carts: Who knows. I mean, most of the times I’ve had other riffers over, it’s just been like one-shots or whatever. So, probably nothing too long...

Pinkie (from TV): How wroooooooooong you are, Cartsie!

Carts: Wait, so we’re doing a long story?

Solstice: Pinkie, you know I still enjoy doing this, don’t ruin me.

Rainbow (from TV): This fic is the longest one that there is. Or, at least, used to be. It’s as long as Atlas Shrugged. It’s as long as all but the last two Harry Potter books put together.

Carts: It’s as long as my--

Twilight: (slaps Carts)

Pinkie (from TV): Drumroll, please...

Both (from TV): FALLOUT: EQUESTRIA!

Solstice: Oh boy, I love the Fallout series, no wonder it’s so long.

Carts: I’ve never played it, but I’ve heard you don’t need to have to read this fic, since it’s more of an adaptation than a true crossover.

Solstice: Still though, that raises some questions about how canon the thing is anyways. I mean it is a truly free-roam game, there is no way that any fic or adaption can come close to the feeling the game gives.

Carts: So it would be like writing a Grand Theft Auto crossover and just writing about doing all the missions, interspersed with running over hookers in your car and shooting up a bunch of people on the street like James Holmes. Not very entertaining to read, but entertaining to play.

Solstice: Very much so, except Fallout includes some things that aren’t even missions or quests. Very many places you visit can very well have their own plot, but still present major info to the game. If someone were to say, miss that, then there would be so much wrong with the canon of Fallout. It’s a massive game.

Pinkie (from TV): And this is a massive fic! It’s over 600,000 words long!

*Fallout: Equestria falls from the roof, thuds onto the floor, and causes a minor earthquake which registers on the Richter scale*

Solstice: Holy shit! That’s a fan fic?!

Carts: Wow, if the author had put that much work into it, they could have written an actual novel SERIES like Harry Potter or Twilight and made money off of it or something crazy like that.

Twilight: What about me?

Carts: Nothing. You don’t want to know.

Solstice: Vampires and sparkly teen romance, Twi.

Twilight: I see.

Carts: Alright... um... shall we begin? *gulps*

ALL: STORY SIGN!

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria...

Carts: There were two regal sisters...

...there came an era when the ideals of friendship gave way to greed,

Carts: Oh.

Solstice: And with greed there leads to civil war?

Twilight: I guess so. I mean, that’s what the American Civil War was fought over, right?

Carts: No, it was fought over states’ rights and/or slavery.

selfishness, paranoia and a jealous reaping of dwindling space and natural resources.

Twilight: Reaping of space? How do you reap space?

Solstice: So, what natural resources does Equestria even have to offer?

Carts: Oh, well, there’s rocks, gems, and... er...

Twilight: Magic!

Solstice: Isn’t magic something super-natural?

Carts: Sort of, but Twilight has this habit of answering questions that don’t have an answer provided in the fic with one word... “magic!”

Solstice: LIKE MATH!

Twilight: It’s settled then: this war was fought over gems.

Lands took up arms against their neighbors. The end of the world occurred much as we had predicted -- the world was plunged into an abyss of balefire and dark magic.

Carts: “We?” Who’s the “we” that predicted the end of Equestria?

Twilight: That one schizophrenic homeless pony who always stands by the side of the road with a sign reading “the end is near!”

Solstice: Shouldn’t that be ‘The end is neigh’ in Equestria?”

Carts: Hmm, good point. That is what it said on the Marean Calendar, after all, which also predicted the end of the world.

Solstice: Yet here we are...

The details are trivial and pointless.

Carts: But watch me explain them for over 600,000 words.

Solstice: No but seriously, the binding on this fic is screaming.

The reasons, as always, purely our own. The world was nearly wiped clean of life. A great cleansing; a magical spark struck by pony hooves

Twilight: TIL that pony hooves can be used as magical tinderboxes in a pinch.

quickly raged out of control. Megaspells rained from the skies. Entire lands were swallowed in flames and fell beneath the boiling oceans.

Carts: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

Twilight: Alright, alright, I get the point.

Ponykind was almost extinguished, their spirits becoming part of the ambient radiation that blanketed the lands. A quiet darkness fell across the world...

Carts: Ah, so it was just like a typical day in Detroit.

...But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of the world.

Twilight: Oh, it wasn’t? But I thought that “the end of the world came much as we had predicted?”

Carts: Maybe you’re reading too much into this.

Solstice: She kind of has a point though. I mean it’s kind of like plot advancement device to say ‘But it was not the end of the world as they predicted.’

Carts (singing): It’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

Twilight: You won’t after forty more chapters of this.

Instead, the apocalypse was simply the prologue for another bloody chapter in pony history. In the early days, thousands were spared the horrors of the holocaust by taking refuge in enormous underground shelters

Carts: Ironically

Solstice: Sort of like the shed of mine having an emergency growing room under it... er... uh... Nothing.

known as Stables. But when they emerged, they

Carts: Went on tour and released a bunch of books they wrote as nuclear holocaust survivors.

Solstice: I want to make the obvious Nazi reference here.

Carts: That’s what I was going with. Did you Nazi it?

Solstice: Oh no I saw it, just didn’t want to ‘oven’ed.

Twilight: Nazi jokes, Goebbel ‘em up!

Solstice: and now the obvious one. Nazi Jokes aren’t amusing, Anne Frankly are offensive.

had only the hell of the wastes to greet them.

Carts: “Welcome to the nuclear wasteland. Population: Tire.”

Solstice: “The Nuclear Wasteland: Vacation fun for everyone... results may vary.”

Twilight: Did you know that despite being a nuclear wasteland, it still manages to have lower high school dropout and teen pregnancy rates than Mississippi?

Solstice: I didn’t know Mississippi was anything but a nuclear wasteland.

All except those in Stable Two. For on that fateful day when spellfire rained from the sky, the giant steel door of Stable Two swung closed, and never re-opened.

Carts: That stable apparently contained the only ponies in Equestria with any common sense.

Twilight: Seriously. If the end of the world just happened, and I’m in a stable with food and shelter, there’s no way I’m coming out!

Solstice: Coming out of the stable, hey guys I have something to tell you...

Carts: What’s that?

Solstice: I’m... I’m coming out of the stable... I am sexually attracted to mutants.

Twilight: That’s actually how the movie Warm Bodies came about.

Prologue: Of Pipbucks and Cutie Marks

Solstice: I didn’t know the nuclear wasteland had it’s own version of Starbucks.

If I'm going to tell you about the adventure of my life -- explain how I got to this place with these people,

Carts: People? Don’t you mean ponies?

Pinkie (from TV): Get used to it! This story makes that mistake a lot.

Solstice: Pinkie, pony fanfiction rule number one, never ever mention the word ‘people’ unless it is an HiE, and only do it in those for dramatic freak outs.

and why I did what I'm going to do next -- I should probably start by explaining a little bit about PipBucks.

What is a PipBuck?

Carts: The name of a shitty garage band I used to be in, but I digress.

Solstice: Well I am assuming that it’s a PipBoy from the game, but I am still leaning towards it being a nuclear coffee brand.

A PipBuck is a device, worn on a foreleg just above the hoof, issued to every pony in a Stable when they become old enough to start work. A blending of unicorn pony magic and science, your PipBuck will keep a constant measure of your health and even help administer healing poultices and other medicine,

Twilight: Or you could just wrap the pills in cheese to get them to take it. That works, too.

track and organize everything in your saddlepacks, assist in repairs, and keep all manner of notes and maps available at a hooftap.

Solstice: Well, can it administer coffee?

Carts: Only version 2.0 can do that. It’s called “Mister PipBuck.”

Twilight: It can also show you the movie of what will happen before it happens.

Carts: "No, go past this part. In fact, never play this part again!

Solstice: Does this fic include Nicolas Cage and his amazing power of numbers?

Carts: It freakin’ better.

Plus, it allows you to listen to the Stable broadcast whenever you would like as it can tune into and decrypt just about any radio frequency. And that's not all. A pony's PipBuck generates an E.F.S. (Eyes-Forward Sparkle) that will indicate direction

Carts: Oh, so a compass. You know, you could’ve just said *that.*

and help gauge whether the ponies or creatures around you are hostile.

Carts: How does it do that? What, does it read their mind or something?

Twilight: Magic!

Solstice: It judges them by mean looks.

Carts: Oh, so you mean just like you could already do yourself.

Twilight: Eh, I suppose a PipBuck would be helpful if you have aspergers or are blind, maybe.

Solstice: If you were blind then how would you even see the screen it’s telling you about baddies?

Twilight: You can set it to audio. I think it’s on the control panel, under accessibility settings.

And, perhaps most impressively, a PipBuck can magically aid you in a fight for brief periods of time through use of the S.A.T.S. (Stable-Tec Arcane Targeting Spell). Oh, and a feature not to be forgotten: it can keep track of the location of tagged objects or people,

Carts: People? You mean ponies, right?

Twilight: Eh, it’s an easy mistake to make.

Carts: Twice in a matter of three paragraphs?

Solstice: You are missing the point, if you learn this mysterious black magic you don’t ever need sights on a weapon anymore.

including the wearers of other PipBucks.

So if a pony somehow got lost -- don't ask me how you could get lost in a Stable, but it does happen on occasion --

Twilight: I got lost in my library once.

Carts: Seriously?

Twilight: Yeah. Lost reading an amazing book!

Carts: (slaps Twilight for horrible pun)

Solstice: I got lost in my shed once, but shit happens when you influence yourself with the magical power of booze and cannabis alike!

then anypony who knew the lost pony's tag could find them instantly.

It can even be made to glow like a lamp.

Solstice: Zoinks! I’m like, afraid of the dark, man. (Turns on a desk lamp)

So yes, PipBucks really are a testament to unicorn pony arcane science.

Twilight: Indeed, unicorns rock.

Carts: Yeah, let’s see an earth pony try and build a pipbuck!

Twilight: It would probably explode or something.

Carts: Or it would tell you that the Washington Monument is in the ocean.

Twilight: Oh, you mean like Apple maps?

Carts: Yes. Apple is literally earth ponies.

Twilight: Apple, the Apple Family, earth ponies. Makes sense to me.

Solstice: Yeah well, I think it’s safe to exclude Pinkie from that category.

Pinkie (from TV): Yeah, I built this TV and it works great!

Solstice: No Pinkie, you just have abilities not even Unicorns have mastered yet.

And yes, having a PipBuck is a big advantage. So with how wonderful and miraculous all that just sounded, it's hard to impress upon ponies who never lived in a Stable just how ordinary, how pedestrian, a PipBuck was in the eyes of the ponies living in Stable Two.

Carts: It was Stable Two’s version of the iPhone, apparently.

Solstice: Damn hipsters.

And why I was disappointed to have one as my cutie mark.

Twilight: Hey, at least you don’t have a silver spoon or a diamond tiara, or a pair of scissors or a snail as your cutie mark.

Solstice: ...Or a screw and a ball.

Every pony in Stable Two had a PipBuck. All that stuff I mentioned? Most ponies don't use even half of that.

Carts: Then why is it in there?

Twilight: Who knows. Maybe the same reason there’s like a billion apps on the app store.

Solstice: When you stumble upon the Vi-friend love app, let me know.

They just used it to tune into the Stable broadcast -- listened to the sweet, sweet voice of Velvet Remedy in the evenings or the latest school singing competitions during the day.

Carts: These ponies listen to school singing competitions in their SPARE TIME? You couldn’t pay me to go to one of those shriekfests.

Twilight: Yeah, the only time I ever went to one was when Rarity dragged me along because Sweetie Belle was competing. There’s two hours I’ll never get back.

Solstice: I thought Sweetie was good at singing.

Twilight: Yes, but just her. And that’s the problem. It’s a competition.

The Stable had two soccer leagues, one which allowed S.A.T.S. and one which prohibited it.

Carts: The S.A.T.S. soccer league also allowed ponies to use steroids.

Otherwise, most ponies paid their PipBucks almost no attention at all. The Overmare issues each pony their own PipBuck on the day of their Cutie Mark Party

Carts: But I thought that PipBucks are issued as soon as you’re old enough to work?

Twilight: Eh, same difference.

Carts: So if you get your cutie mark at age six...

Twilight: Child labor time!

Solstice: Can someone say ‘Apple?’

-- usually a day or two after you get the mark on your flanks that tells everypony what makes you special, what you're destined to be good at.

Solstice: And here I thought they were just glorified tramp stamps.

Twilight: No, it’s magic!

Once it shows, the Overmare knows what work to assign you; you know your place in the Stable. So no, I was not thrilled that what made me special was something that everypony had, which was a lot like being told I wasn't special at all.

Twilight: No, you’re special! Just like everypony else.

Sure, getting a PipBuck as my cutie mark could have meant I was destined to become an awesome PipBuck repair filly or something, but in reality it was like getting a cutie mark of a cutie mark.

Twilight (singing): It has to be my destiny, because it’s what my cutie mark of a cutie mark of a cutie mark of a cutie mark of a cutie mark--

Carts: (slaps Twilight)

Twilight: --Is telling me!

Solstice: Did she just skip, like a CD?

Carts: Yeah, she’s been known to do that. I’ve kind of been suspecting that she’s a robot, but--

Twilight: Negative.

Carts: See what I mean?

Solstice: Affirmative.

Didn't help that I was the last pony to get her cutie mark.

Carts: Yes, after Littlepip got her cutie mark, nopony ever got a cutie mark ever again.

Solstice: Speaking of Cutie Marks, I know this is supposed to be a Fallout crossover, so are the bandits cutie marks like skulls and blood and stuff?

Not surprising in retrospect. Kinda tough to find what you're supposed to be good at when what you're supposed to be good at is something you don't get until you've found what you're supposed to be good at.

Carts: Yeah, tell me about it. How do I get a job? Have experience. How do I get experience? By having a job!

Twilight: My head hurts.

So I tried everything.

Carts: Except astronomy or skydiving or birdwatching, ‘cause, you know...

Twilight: I even tried meth.

Carts: Not even once.

Pinkie (from TV): The drug use will come in due time.

I even tried to invent new things.

Carts: Like a pony version of the Snuggie which has four sleeves instead of two.

Solstice: There are two kinds of people in this world, people who got Snuggies as an ironic gift, and fucking liars.

Twilight: I got mine after Spike accidentally burned four hoof-sized holes in an old blue blanket I had.

Solstice: And you use it all the time don’t you?

Twilight: No, I just use my magic. Snuggies aren’t very useful if you’re a unicorn.

Solstice: Curious question, if a Unicorn wears a white hoodie without a horn hole, does it make them look like part of the KKK?

Carts: I would try, but my coat is as brown as a hershey bar, so ponies would probably think I was trying to be ironic.

Twilight: And I’m as lavender as the flower itself.

As a unicorn pony myself, my innate magics allow me a level of fine manipulation that earth ponies don't enjoy. Any pony can hold a key in their teeth and open a lock, but using multiple tools in a very delicate operation? That requires precision levitation.

Carts: Or fingers.

Solstice: I’ve seen surgery done with teeth.

Twilight: Really? Where was that?

Solstice: Some guy dissected a cat with his teeth and sewed the dissection back up all with his teeth.

Twilight: Ooookay then. Moving right along...

So I decided to learn to pick locks with a bobby pin and screwdriver.

Twilight: “But officer, I didn’t want to turn to a life of crime; crime was just the only thing I hadn’t tried to earn my cutie mark!”

Carts: “Oh, well in that case, you’re free to go.”

Solstice: I really want to try that excuse on a cop one day. ‘Sir you are aware that you were going forty in a fifteen?’ Yes sir, it was the only thing I hadn’t tried for my Cutie Mark.

Carts: And then a picture of a pot leaf appears on your ass, and you can smoke all you want! Or you can just move to Colorado with me. Your pick.

Solstice: The latter sounds nice actually.

Carts: Did you know that when I moved from Georgia to Colorado, I had a shitload of people ask me if I was going to go skiing? Because, yeah. I moved all my furniture three thousand miles just to go skiing. That’s totally why.

Solstice: Well just know, because most of Arkansas is rural and there are more serious crimes like domestic disputes in a trailer park going on, smoking pot is rather low on a cops radar. Anyways, enough about our lives...

And I was even getting pretty good at it. Unfortunately, it didn't get me my cutie mark. It just got me into trouble.

I even, to my humiliation, went through the C.A.T. (Cutie-mark Aptitude Test) in the hopes it would guide me to what made me special. But no. My C.A.T.

Twilight: Just ended up sitting on my freakin’ keyboard when I was trying to type!

Carts: Don’t you just hate that?

Solstice: My cat is a dick, he just sits there and plots my demise.

was utterly average, with only marginally higher scores in a couple areas, indicating that I might be suited for work as a PipBuck Technician or a Stable Loyalty Inspector.

Carts: Stable loyalty inspector?

Twilight: Yeah, they’re kind of like propaganda ponies.

Solstice: Mass media man, they are like propaganda to the masses. (Lights up a joint). Oh sorry may I?

Twilight: Go ahead, I let Carts smoke cigarettes in here. Even though it’s technically against the law, since this library counts as a “public place” for the purposes of the smoking ban.

Carts: But this is your HOUSE.

Twilight: Tell that to the Ponyville PD. You owe me like a thousand bits for tickets, by the way.

Carts: Eh, whatever. (lights a smoke)

Two options, I should note, that were even less impressive when you considered that it was generally expected that unicorn ponies would go into either technical or administrative work.

Carts: Yes, unicorns make great bureaucrats, don’t they?

Twilight: The ERS is full of unicorns, actually.

Carts: Is the tax code as complicated in Equestria as it is in America?

Twilight: Oh, you’d better believe it. And with no internet, there’s no way to e-file, and no TurboTax!

Solstice: Why does a Princess need money? Isn’t Ponyville self sustained for the most part anyways?

Twilight: Yes, but there still has to be a way to pay for things.

That is, except the unicorn ponies who are natural artists, like Velvet Remedy.  As I said before, our inherent magic allows us the sort of fine manipulation that technical work demands. Likewise, the Overmare and her government were always unicorn ponies.

Carts: Ooh, the unicorns are in charge? I like this story.

Twilight: I’m just glad that Kkat didn’t take 50,000 words to explain it like you do in your story, Carts.

Carts: Don’t give her any ideas!

Solstice: Ugh, I am not here to listen to you two talk about Unicorns being better, and I certainly am not here to read the logistics of economy in a fucking hole in the ground.

Twilight: Uh... sorry about that. I was an econ professor in a past life.

Carts: What did you expect? It’s called Carts’ Unicorn Theater; the topic comes up a lot. Chill out dude, take like another bazillion bong hits.

It is the Overmare's unicorn magic, after all, that creates the false sunlight used to grow our underground apple orchard. And while our apples might not look like those beautiful red things in the old books, they are what keep us alive.

Twilight: Actually, they look just like grapes.

Solstice: (Pulls out an ‘apple’ from the story) Probably because they aren’t either of those. (Cuts it in half with his pocket knife) It’s an orange.

Carts and Twilight: How did you...

Solstice: Eh, I am Prince Solstice after all. (Shrugs) Rule 63 Celestia in most cases.

It was only because they let me try my hooves at both positions

Solstice: Oh my...

Carts: I just read that in a George Takei voice.

Solstice: (Morgan Freeman voicing) Then you read it right son.

that I gained access to a PipBuck before receiving my own, otherwise I might never have gotten my cutie mark.

Oh, my name is LittlePip.

Carts: Which was the name of another rock group that I was part of. But I digress.

Solstice: It’s also the name of some bogus bud a guy tried to sell me.

Go figure. I was given the name because I was the youngest and the smallest, and even my mother had the good sense not to call me "Pipsqueak." (Not that I don't love her, but when a filly's cutie mark is a glass of hard apple cider...)

Carts: So Littlepip has fetal alcohol syndrome?

Twilight: Guess so.

Solstice: Hard Cider is Delicious, although I think in this story it’s orange cider.

Anyway, funny how names like that turn out sometimes.

Pleased to meet you. Here is my story...

Carts: Oh, you mean all that wasn’t part of your story?

ALL: BREAK!

Solstice: Well then, that’s a promising story to say the least. No skimping on the details, almost too many details for any prologue.

Carts: Yeah. I learned that the hard way when I deleted the prologue from one of my own stories. It made it a lot better.

Twilight: A prologue should only exist if it does something that your first chapter can’t do. But the next chapter of this story, just by glancing at it, also takes place in the stable.

Solstice: I never have any prologues to my stories, most of them don’t even have ‘chapters’ they are all titles for the most part. The only thing I do hope for, is the same humor as the Fallout games.

Carts: I’ve read about ten chapters of this once, and sorry to say, but there isn’t much humor in it.

Pinkie (from TV): But that’s why you guys are here!

Solstice: Good point I’ll try my best to liven up the story the. (Magically conjures another joint). I guess I forgot to mention that I have the ability to conjure things randomly. I can’t do much else however.

Twilight: Still though, conjuring magic is impressive.

Solstice: Well, I’m not sure, but if I were to change into something from this world I’d be a Draconis or an earth pony with Pinkie abilities.

Carts: You’d be able to take care of those munchies, that’s for sure.

Solstice: You have no idea man.

Carts: Shall we continue, then?

Solstice: Sure man, we shall continue on! (Looks at the book that sits in front of us, noting that only two pages has been flipped). Fuck.

ALL: STORY SIGN!

Chapter 1: Out of the Stable

"Because in Stable Two, no pony ever enters and no pony ever leaves."

Twilight: Wait, who said that?

Carts: We’ll never know.

Solstice: Much like Hotel California by The Eagles?

Twilight: In Equestria, they’re called The Griffons.

Grey.

The walls of the maintenance stalls were all a very monotonous, dull grey.

Carts: Hey, I’ve found the one of like three other Americans besides myself who spells grey with an ‘e,’ not an ‘a!’

Solstice: Then meet the third, I use them interchangeably. Grey is the color, Gray is a name. To me at least.

The particular wall I was staring at had the merit of being a very clean grey.

Solstice: So, it was white?

Carts: Apparently so.

PipBucks were notoriously hardy and reliable, so being the Stable's PipBuck Technician meant that there were long periods of nothing to do.

Carts: Meh, at least you’re still on the clock. Once I worked for an employer who made us clock out when there weren’t any customers.

Twilight: Seriously?

Carts: Yep. And then they were seemingly surprised at their high turnover rate.

Solstice: If that were the case, I would just leave. If I’m not on their time, I’m on my own, and I get to go home on my time.

Being the PipBuck Technician's apprentice meant that I was assigned all the mundane daily chores while my trainer took extended naps in the back room. Chores like cleaning the walls.

Twilight: I guess they don’t have a janitor or anything.

Carts: God, if her cutie mark were a mop and bucket we would have heard her bitching for like twice as long.

"This wall needs a mural."

Solstice: and it shall be a mural of peni.

Carts: Peni? You mean, like penises? But WHY?

Solstice: Because, every public wall has a penis.

Carts: Uh... okay.

I let myself fantasize, picturing the Overmare agreeing and ordering Palette herself to turn our entire stall into one of her brightly colorful masterpieces. Palette was the greatest painter in Stable Two, and like every skilled artist, that made her a stable treasure.

Carts: Please, do tell us more about how skilled artists are treasured by society.

Twilight: Forget the magical nuclear war... THAT is the most unbelievable part of this story.

Life in Stable Two inevitably began to eat at your spirit --

Solstice: ‘Now with twice the fiber!’

you were born in the Stable, you lived your whole life in the Stable, you were going to die there, and the course of your life was largely laid out for you to see by your Cutie Mark Party.

Carts: They even play a slideshow called “this is you in thirty years.”

Solstice: ‘This party is the last day you have fun... EVER!’

So the Overmare insisted that a new song be added to the Stable broadcast's repertoire each week,

Twilight: So instead of top forty, what are the charts in a Stable?

Carts: Top four, T.

that public areas were brightly painted and adored with uplifting and motivational murals,

Twilight: Those murals sure loved those walls.

Solstice: Like I’ve said before, every fan fic invents a new fetish.

that regular parties were planned in the atrium... all in an effort to distract and stave off depression.

Twilight: You can also distract depression with a laser pointer or a chew toy, as well.

Solstice: Yeah, I named my dog ‘depression’, that way when it’s lost it’s not as sad.

Carts: So, they’ve invented the equivalent of iPads but haven’t gotten around to inventing SSRIs yet?

Reality came crashing back as I stared at the eternally blank grey. Beautifying maintenance areas was tragically low priority already,

Carts: What were the high priorities? Soccer? School singing competitions?

Solstice: Not hotboxing a hole in the ground?

and the PipBuck Technician stall was one of the least trafficked parts of maintenance. I felt my ears droop as I started to realize that I'd be staring at this same grey wall nearly every day for the rest of my life.

"Oh dear. Is it really that bad."

Twilight: Oh, I’m sorry, was that a question?

Solstice: Where your voice will inflict upwards? Like this?

And there she was. Velvet Remedy, the gorgeous charcoal-coated unicorn

Carts: That’s how you can tell she’s an OC.

with streaks of color in her white mane and with a voice as smooth as silk and rich as

Twilight: the

finest chocolate, was standing in the doorway of my stall. I felt immediately grateful that I had finished the cleaning and simultaneously ashamed that the room was so beneath her. I couldn't believe she was standing there. I'd seen her on the stage above us at late parties;

Carts: Late parties? Like, late at night? Or were the parties just not on time?

I'd listened to her songs incessantly, recording every new one on my PipBuck so that I didn't have to wait to hear it again.

Carts: Yeah, because waiting for the songs of the seven other musicians in the stable to play is like an eternity.

Solstice: Slap ‘em in the brig, that’s illegal!

Carts: Stable Two has the most restrictive copyright laws ever.

I'll admit it now, I'd had a crush on Velvet Remedy for years.

Carts: Somepony’s got a case of Vever Fever.

Twilight: And only one pony has the Remedy.

Solstice: and when I see Zecora I’ll have jungle fever...

Carts: (Zecora accent) “Ah, if it isn’t Solstice! Come, lean in for a kiss!”

Solstice: Your rhyme scheme is really off. (Chuckles)

Me and at least three hundred other ponies. My mother used to laugh at that. "LittlePip," she would say, chortling with her friends, "Velvet Remedy's barn door doesn't swing that way." It took me a couple years to understand what my mother had meant by that.

Carts: It took her years to get the punchline to a lesbian joke?

Twilight: Maybe she really does have fetal alcohol syndrome.

Solstice: Maybe Velvet doesn’t look like a lesbian (cough) R.D (cough).

And took me several seconds to process that Velvet Remedy had just asked me something.

"W-wha-huh?"

Solstice: W-Water?

Wonderful response, LittlePip. So elegant. I wanted to dig my way through the concrete floor and pull the chunks over the top of me.

Carts: And then we’d have a Minecraft crossover.

Solstice: He needs the Notched Pickaxe, and must be level four or higher in order to use it.

She smiled sweetly. She smiled at me!

Carts (singing): And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile...

And in that amazing voice, "You looked so heartbroken when I came in. Is there anything I can do?"

Velvet Remedy offered. To help. Me.

I was shocked back to my senses.

Twilight: Clear!

Solstice: (Rubs hands together like a defibrillator) Shocking!

Velvet Remedy must have some reason to be down here. Some PipBuck reason. It wasn't like she would just go wandering around maintenance, after all.

Twilight: Actually, right now Velvet Remedy is on her “tubes and wires” tour.

Carts: Gotta get some more popularity among the rats.

Looking around, I realized that I was the only pony on duty. My teacher was, as usual, asleep in his office.

Carts: That’s the student’s job, not the teacher’s!

Twilight: Yeah, I always used to take naps when I went to Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns. It was easy though; I aced that class.

Solstice: I found my lectures to be a bit more interesting If I smoked a small bit of bud before going to school. Maybe that would help you stay awake.

"Oh... no, it was n-nothing." I tried to regain composure.

Solstice: That could very well be a pun.

Carts: Heh.

"How may I be of assistance?"

Velvet Remedy's expression was both compassionate and unconvinced, but she lifted a forehoof, raising her PipBuck up to my gaze. A more elegant model than mine,

Carts: It could function as TWO lamps.

with her initials and cutie mark (a beautiful bird with wings outstretched and beak opened in song)

Twilight: How would they even know what a bird is if they’ve been living underground for what’s implied to be many decades?

Solstice: They are genetically modified cockroaches.

Carts: So her cutie mark would be ugly to us, but beautiful to a stable dweller. Interesting.

Solstice: (Conjures up the ‘bird’) No actually I was off, it’s just a rat with paper wings.

embellishing it tastefully. "I hate to be a bother, but it's begun to chafe. Could you replace the padding?"

Solstice: “No I will not replace your maxi-pad for you!”

"Oh, absolutely!" I was already levitating the special keys used to unlock a PipBuck from a pony's foreleg (as an apprentice PipBuck Technician, I had all manner of special precision tools in the pockets of my utility barding).

Carts: A PipBuck technician who carries around PipBuck tools? You don’t say!

Twilight: Unlock it? What, is it an ankle monitor or something? What, is everyone under house arrest?

Carts: Paris Remedy Hilton.

Solstice: They are in a hole in the ground. Pretty sure that’s as “under” arrest you can be.

Carts: And yet somehow, I’ll bet that if Paris Hilton were there under house arrest, she’d STILL find a way to break it.

"I'll have it done in right quick!" The PipBuck came off with a click.

Velvet Remedy chuckled hesitantly, lowering her hoof. "Oh no, that's all right. Take your time. I'm going to put some salve on this leg back in my room and rest up for the afternoon."

Solstice: That’s not the only place she is putting it, if ya know what I mean.

Twilight: …

Carts: Sorry, Twi.

Solstice: Don’t worry, if my mother were here she would give you permission to slap me.

That's right! Velvet Remedy was performing at the Stable Two Saloon tomorrow night! I would have to polish it up, make it worthy of being worn above her hoof.

Carts: She’s wrap red carpet around it and gold plate it or something.

Solstice: We shall call it, the Pimp-buck!

If I spent all night on it, I could give it a full tune-up, have it running as smoothly as the day she got it, and still have it back to her before the show.

Twilight: And she still wouldn’t pay attention to you.

Solstice: You gotta make her laugh man! Stop being so afraid to talk to her! Gah, the men are just as infuriating as the women sometimes!

"All right! I'll have it back to you by this time tomorrow. You won't be disappointed. I promise!"

She smiled at me again, and all the grey in the world couldn't darken my day. "Thank you." And then she turned to go. I watched as her cutie mark disappeared around the doorway. Then she was gone.

Carts: (singing): I’ve gone insane, wishing I could touch your face, but the truth remains. You’re gone, you’re gone...

• • •

The next day, I was whistling one of Velvet Remedy's songs as I walked down the halls towards her room. Her PipBuck was hovering along beside me in a field of magical levitation, freshly padded with the best lining I could find, looking shiny and new.

Carts: She even put some shoe polish on it.

I was tired from a long night or work, but in high spirits. Velvet Remedy was going to be so happy with my work!

Turning the corner, I was startled out of my reverie by the mass of ponies gathered outside Velvet Remedy's room. Damn, I was going to have to battle my way through hoof-print seekers and paparazzi.

Twilight: Hoof-print seekers? Is that supposed to be a stand in for signature seekers? Because ponies have signatures, too.

Carts: Yeah, hoofprint reminds me of fingerprint. Like she’s committed a crime or something and they have to get her prints.

Solstice: Prints Solstice, private eye extraordinaire! (Conjures up an investigators hat)

Levitating the PipBuck higher, I started to shove my way into the crowd.

"She's gone!" "How could she leave?" The hushed voices and panicked whinnies around me grew alarming. "Why would she abandon us?"

Carts: “WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN US!?”

Twilight: “How dare she not want to spend the rest of her life cooped up in a hole in the ground!”

Solstice: Awe, what  poor time to leave, now they have to go under hole arrest... that sounds really bad.

Gone? Velvet Remedy was... gone?

Carts: (singing) Gone! Like yesterday is gone, like history is gone, just trying to prove me wrong and pretend that you’re immortal.

And then the words that stopped me cold. "I didn't think the Stable door even could open!"

She was gone outside?!?

Twilight: And then Velvet comes back, “I was just going outside for a smoke, gosh!”

Solstice: Ah, so the hotboxing problem can be remedied.

"Don't worry, everypony!"

Solstice: A pony just disappeared into the night, yeah don’t worry.

boomed the voice of the Overmare from somewhere in the crowd. "I have the tag of each and every pony in the Stable. I will personally send out a rescue party. We'll have our Velvet back by the end of the day. Worry not."

I felt I was drowning in cold, wet cement.

Carts: (Godfather voice) She’s got her cement shoes, and soon she’ll be swimmin’ with the fishies!

Solstice: ‘Someday, I will call upon you for a favor.’

My gaze slowly moved up towards the PipBuck floating above me.

I lowered my head, slowly trying to back out of the crowd, curling the floating PipBuck close. When the Overmare brought up Velvet Remedy's tag, it would lead everypony not to Velvet but to her PipBuck sitting in the maintenance...

Twilight: Just put it next to the sleeping teacher and pin the blame on him!

Solstice: I would just leave that in a garbage can, and then set it on fire.

With a thump, I backed into somepony, startling me enough that the levitation field evaporated in a poof and the clean and shiny PipBuck clattered to the floor.

Carts: Dun, dun, dun!

Solstice: Makes me think of dramatic gopher.

Turning, I found myself eye-to-eye with the Overmare.

She didn't speak, her gaze turning to the PipBuck on the ground. Velvet Remedy's initials and cutie mark clearly visible.

"What. Is. This?" The Overmare spoke slowly, dangerously.

Twilight: Her speech is dangerous?

Carts: Yeah, she’s secretly a dragonborn, and this is also a Skyrim crossover.

Solstice: FUS-RO-DAH! (Smoke comes out of Solstice’s mouth)

All eyes turned to me. I could feel every pair of eyes. Nobody spoke. The silence bore down like a lead blanket. My mouth went dry. I couldn't find my voice.

Twilight: When you lose your voice, it’s always in the last place you look!

Solstice: Like the kitchen counter, even though you swore you looked there already.

I didn't need to. I could feel the wave of loathing. Dozens of Velvet Remedy fanponies, and I was the pony holding the reason why their idol was lost to them.

Carts: This will be worse than when John Lennon was shot.

Solstice: (Singing) ‘Imagine all the people, living in a world of peace.’

The Overmare's voice was low and surprisingly gentle. "Take it and go to your room. Swiftly."

Twilight: “Now go to bed without any supper!”

Carts: “You’re grounded for a month, missy!”

Solstice: Who the hell say’s ‘swiftly’ to be intimidating anyways?

Carts: The overmare with her very dangerous voice.

She didn't need to tell me twice.

Solstice: (Singing) ‘I’m telling you why! The overmare is coming to town’

Carts: (singing) She tracks you with your pipbuck, with every step you take, she knows if you are here or gone, so you’d better buckin’ stay!

• • •

I lay on my bed that evening, poking at Velvet Remedy's PipBuck as the radio in my own played yet another re-iteration of the tragedy of the day.

Twilight: Someone willingly running away is a tragedy? No. The shipwreck of the Titanic was a tragedy. The explosion of the Hindenburg was a tragedy. This is NOT a tragedy.

Solstice: Apparently you’ve never met a stoner when they run dry.

Carts: Good thing Solstice has like an infinite supply of it. I swear, you must’ve smoked like five blunts since you came here.

Solstice: Yeah most of those were conjured from me and The Dude’s stash.

Carts: Ah. And most of my cigarettes I stole from a convenience store.

Solstice: and most of what was grown, was from The Dude. His cutie mark should be a pot leaf, but no, it’s a bowling ball and pin. He is better at growing than he is at bowling.

I couldn't believe it. Velvet Remedy was gone.

Carts: (singing) All the things that she used to bring, all the songs she used to sing, all the favorite TV shows have gone out the window.

Twilight: You know a song for everything, huh?

Carts: Yep. I have like thirty more songs about “gone” alone.

I couldn't understand. How could she leave? Why would she go?

Carts: (singing) Where’d you go? I miss you so. Seems like it’s been forever since you’ve been g--

Twilight: (slaps carts)

Carts: What was THAT for?

Twilight: If you keep singing, we’ll never finish this riff!

The door out of Stable Two was closed and sealed. Only the Overmare knew the secrets to opening it, assuming it even could open. Which, obviously, it could.

Twilight: Uh, if the only one who knew the secrets to opening the door was the Overmare, then wouldn’t she be the prime suspect?

Carts: Nope. But the technician who removed Velvet Remedy’ pipbuck? Must’ve been her!

But why? Nobody really knew what was outside, if there was anything out there at all. Historical books suggested the world outside was blasted, lifeless and poisonous.

Solstice: and that is different from the world today how?

Carts: The lifeless part, I guess.

Twilight: No, actually, I’m a zombie.

Solstice: We thought you were a robot...

Twilight: Robot zombie.

Solstice: (Raises finger to argue but can’t find anything to argue against that) uh... okay...

That was, at least, the common and logical assumption. But a ghost story somepony told at my first (and only) slumber party

Carts: It was her only one because she wet the bed.

Solstice: Yes well, wet your bed once and nobody lets you live it down. NOBODY.

had given me horrible nightmares and still lurked in the shadows of my head: a tale of a pony who somehow got the Stable door open and stepped outside... only to find out that there was no outside! Just a great nothingness that whisked the pony away, devouring her soul so that she was nothingness too.

Solstice: Man, that is not really that scary...

Empirically, I knew that wasn't the case, but the mental image still haunted me.

Twilight: You think THAT’s haunting? Try watching Granny Smith wearing clothes from Victoria’s Secret.

Solstice: Um, Twi, ever hear about rule 34?

Twilight: What’s that?

Carts: … You wanna tell her or should I? Or should we tell her at the break?

Solstice: I’ll just wait till the break...

The two things I did understand was that Velvet Remedy had gotten me to remove her PipBuck so the Overmare couldn't track her with it, and that I was screwed.

Carts: I just don’t understand how they could blame LittlePip for that. Like, what is she supposed to do, never let ponies ever take off their PipBucks?

Solstice: I know in the game, a pip-boy can easily be removed by the person themselves, so it shouldn’t matter that that LittlePip took it off.

Being the smallest pony my age, and the last to get my cutie mark, did not facilitate building friendships with my peer ponies.

Solstice: Just beat up a kid, then you will become popular in an instant.

Mother honestly didn't help either. Nor did waking up screaming at my first slumber party.

Carts: Eh, I was half right.

Solstice: They all live in a hole, they are all at one big slumber party.

Twilight: True.

So I was used to being alone. But I'd never had enemies before. I'd been beneath the notice of other ponies, but I'd never had one hate me.

Carts: Except for those Westboro Stable Two Baptist Church ponies who hated her for being a lesbian.

Twilight: And God.

Solstice: ‘and thou shalt use my name to protest whatever thy wants’, said no god ever.

Carts: Except Protesticus, the Greek god of protesting.

Solstice: There is no way that’s a real thing...

I really couldn't blame them either, even though it totally wasn't fair. They were upset and hurt and needed a scapegoat.

Solstice: “and I am perfectly okay with being in jail for the rest of my life for not knowing anything about her wanting to escape.”

The news hadn't mentioned me by name, just "Velvet Remedy's custom-decorated PipBuck was found in the possession of a PipBuck Technician pony", but with a whole two of us, it wasn't hard for everypony to figure out, even without the scene outside her room earlier.

Twilight: See, this is why I hate the media. Now she’ll never get a fair trial, because she’s already been convicted in the court of public opinion!

Carts: LittlePipperman.

The Overmare was speaking on the radio. "We are all feeling this loss. But I want to remind everypony that Velvet Remedy chose to do this. She chose to leave her home. To abandon us, her family. She betrayed my trust and she betrayed yours, just as she betrayed the trust of the pony who she tricked into removing her PipBuck,

Solstice: “and she also broke my heart, we had a date at a hole in the wall restaurant Saturday.”

Carts: Oh, I get it, because they’re in... yeah.

ensuring we could not find her. I know many of you are angry or hurt. I urge you to direct that anger where it truly belongs..."

Carts: At the ponies who started the nuclear war to begin with!

As thankful as I was for her words, it wasn't going to change the resentment that I would face every day, even if every pony kept it to themselves. It hung in the air like old smoke.

Twilight: Yeah, Carts and Solstice. This library will reek for YEARS after we finish this riff.

Carts: Eh, just use Febreze. (Blows a smoke cloud towards the fic.)

Solstice: Eh, I’m surprised you haven’t gotten a little high yet, I’ve gone through six blunts already. (Conjures up another) It’s the only way I don’t get angry at fan fics.

Carts: I know I’m getting a contact buzz.

Twilight: Um... I don’t know what one is supposed to feel like, so I can’t say.

Solstice: Trust me, you’ll know.

I distracted myself with the errant PipBuck, taking note of an encrypted file. I had spotted it yesterday, figuring it was probably an unfinished new song. I didn't want to open it then, both out of respect for Velvet Remedy's privacy and a dislike of spoilers,

Twilight: Spoilers? What, was it from a concept album or something?

Carts: Yeah, it was from Velvet Remedy’s new album The Stable Wall.

Solstice: I don’t understand why they can’t be called vaults like they are in the game.

Carts: Because ponies.

but I guessed it didn't matter anymore. The song would never be played.

Solstice: It’s okay, it was too new age pop for the hipsters in Stable 2.

Opening a pouch on my utility barding, I withdrew an access tool that would allow me to remove the encryption safely and easily. It was a sound file. I played it.

"The override code for opening the door to Stable Two is... CMC3BFF."

Carts: That song later went on to top the charts for weeks.

Twilight: Really? A seven figure code? I would have expected a code separating a stable and NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION to be a little longer than that.

Carts: Seriously. A determined hacker could crack that in about five minutes.

Solstice: I love how the code is trying to reference something they’ve never heard about.

I shot up in surprise at what I had heard.

Solstice: I’ve never done that after hearing something; I always roll over and fall asleep.

Swiftly, I turned off the radio and played it again.

Solstice: and again, that ‘swiftly’ word appears.

I didn't recognize the voice. It was female, kinda sweet, and had a strange accent that didn't sound like anyone in the Stable. But now I knew how Velvet Remedy left.

I must have sat there for hours, contemplating what I should do.

Solstice: “Ah, fuck it, I’ll just beat it and go to bed.”

Pinkie Pie (from TV): That also occurs in a later chapter!

But finally, I made my choice.

I was going to go outside after her. I was going to bring her back.

• • •

I stood there, staring at the huge steel door that sealed Stable Two away from the horrors (or nothingness!) outside. And at the two guard ponies who blocked my way. I had my saddlebags packed with apples and necessities. Even a Big Book of Arcane Sciences for something to read.

Twilight: Why would you bring along a physical book? Why not just download it into your PipBuck and have more room for food?

Carts: The PipBuck doesn’t have that capability.

Twilight: What? You mean it can target ponies, store songs, tell you whether other ponies are hostile, administer medicine, but can’t store a PDF file?

Carts: Hey, it’s a PipBuck, not a Kindle Fire!

Solstice: I hear the PipBuck update 2.4 gives it a reading file, but there is a clause in the terms and conditions that allows your PipBuck to siphon your soul.

I had two canteens around my neck.

Twilight: What purpose would canteens serve in a small, underground society?

Carts: Seriously, it’s the basement community. Like, where will the go on a hike that they’d need a canteen?

Solstice: Hey man, sometimes you have to pretend you can go outside.

I was ready to go. But the Overmare was making sure there were no follow-up acts.

Solstice: Must not be a fan of broadway musicals huh?

Carts: Yeah. There’s Sweeney Todd, Cats, Wicked, and Escape From The Stable. All the classics.

Insistence and glowering looks weren't getting me anywhere. My horn was glowing, but they stood their ground, unimpressed.

Solstice: Obvious ‘that’s what she said’ joke incoming.

They weren't going to let me anywhere near the control panel.

"Hey, aren't you the filly who let our Velvet get lost outside anyway?" one of the guards inquired daringly, taking a bullying step forward.

Carts: So why do they need guards in front of a door that supposedly no one knows the code to? And why is LittlePip being so blatant about her intent to leave?

Solstice: Because... ponies.

The other guard looked away in disgust. I'm not sure if he was disgusted at me, or if he felt like the Overmare seemed to about ponies wanting to take it out on me. I was kinda hoping it was the former, considering what I was about to do to them.

THUD!

The metal footlocker above them dropped onto their heads, knocking both out cold.

Twilight: She dropped an entire retail shoe store onto their heads? Ouch.

Earth ponies -- they never see that levitating-something-up-behind-you trick coming.

Solstice: Oddly specific trick eh?

(One of Twilight’s books falls onto Solstice’s head without him noticing)

Carts: Hey, I guess it’s true for humans, too.

Solstice: Yeah yeah, I can still use a Gauss Rifle. (Conjures up a Fallout 3 Gauss Rifle) Opposable thumbs are useful for something.

Carts: Woah, take it easy man. It was just a prank! (Throws hooves in the air)

Solstice: I don’t have any ammo geez, I’m not a psychopath like most humans.

I was at the controls, entering the passcode from Velvet Remedy's PipBuck when the Overmare's voice boomed through nearby speakers.

Solstice: Here comes the boom!

"Stop! I order you to stop this instant!"

Yeah, that wasn't going to happen.

Twilight: I'll say. You can't freeze time and stop an instant!

Carts: Yeah, this isn't Clockstoppers.

"Guards! I want every guard pony at Stable Two door! Stop that filly!"

Twilight: Yeah, all five of you get your flanks over there!

Solstice: Still more intimidating than Pinwheel from Dark Souls.

Oh crap!

My hooves flew up to the main switch for the door, and I prayed to Celestia that the code worked. Then, with all my strength, I threw the switch.

Solstice: That is a really heavy switch. (A metal switch drops with a thud on the floor) Sorry, sometimes it’s like a sneeze depending on what I say.

Carts: Remind me to have us never riff a story starring killer wasps.

Solstice: I cannot do anything more complicated than a fruit for live things.

Carts: What about that rat from earlier?

Solstice: Well, most of the time the live things end up dead. So, let’s not riff a story with cute kittens.

A loud clanging filled the air, followed by a hissing of steam and a great rumble that shook the room. As I watched, the massive bolt that held the door from Stable Two shut slid back. A huge hinge-arm swung down, attaching itself to the door, and with a teeth-hurting squeal, pulled the massive steel door out and away.

Solstice: That sounds way more complicated than it should be.

Twilight: Yeah, I could’ve replaced that with “The large steel door opened, its mechanical hydraulics whirring” for the exact same effect.

Carts: Hey, gotta pad this out to 600,000 words somehow.

Randomly, I found myself thinking in my mother's voice "Stable Two's barn door doesn't swing that way."

Carts: Her mother had a pithy joke about doors for every occasion. Even death.

Twilight: The pearly gates don’t swing that way.

Solstice: That sounds like a close-minded protest sign.

The door to Stable Two wasn't supposed to swing at all. Even though I threw the switch, I was stunned to see it actually open.

Solstice: Then it’s not really much of a door if it didn’t open or close.

Twilight: Yes. Then it would technically be a wall.

"You don't have to do this... LittlePip, isn't it?" The Overmare's voice kicked me out of my stupor. I could hear the hooves of galloping guards drawing near.

Solstice: (Puts out his blunt) Oh shit, it’s the fuzz!

I took a step towards the door. "Don't worry. I'll bring her back."

"No you won't! If you leave here, you'll never be let back in!"

Carts: “Velvet Remedy, on the other hoof, is welcome back here anytime! Send her our invitation, would you?”

Solstice: (Conjures up a frilly invitation) It even sings to you!

For a moment, the unfairness stung. The Overmare was willing to send out a search party to bring Velvet Remedy back. But then, Velvet was special, and I was... not.

Solstice: “No because you’re a loser.”

Part of me wanted to turn back right there, crawl back to my room and my dreary but safe life.

Drawing myself up, I stepped out the door.

• • •

With a final hiss and clang, the steel door of Stable Two closed irrevocability behind me.

Twilight: Closed irrevocability?

Solstice: ‘Permanently’ would have been just fine.

I don't know what I expected to find just beyond the door,

Solstice: This sounds like a Twilight Zone episode.

but it certainly wasn't this long, dark hallway that smelled of rotting timbers and sepulcher air. I was no longer in the Stable. But I wasn't outside yet either. I was in limbo.

Solstice: I told you.

I turned on my PipBuck's light, and recoiled with a gasp at the skeletons of long-dead ponies which littered the hall. The outside of the Stable door was marred from where ponies had slammed on it until their hooves cracked and shattered, trying to get in.

Carts: Cracked AND shattered? I would’ve given up after the cracking part.

Solstice: Now that is a lot scarier than that other story.

Moving forward quickly, I discovered that the hallway opened into an old room with stairs leading up to a horizontal door with a shattered lock.

The entrance from the outside world into Stable Two had been cleverly disguised as the door to a humble apple cellar. And by disguised, I meant that the person who built it had been building an apple cellar.

Twilight: And got WAY carried away with it.

Solstice: Old-pony Conspiracist was a hard working pony. He just wanted to rule the world, only to have to settle with some silly stable in his cellar.

Taking a deep breath, I trotted up the stairs, swung open the cellar door, and stepped outside.

Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Cherchez La Filly -- +10% damage to the same sex and unique dialogue options with certain ponies.

Carts: Damage to the same sex? But the guards she attacked were male.

Solstice: Ah, so there are level-ups in this fic. That was really annoying in the game.

Carts: So... chapter end! Shall we take a break?

Twilight: Yes, please!

Carts: So... rule 34. If it exists, there’s porn of it.

Twilight: What? So, anything and everything has porn of it?

Solstice: I wrote about you getting sexually pleasured from being a quill, so yes.

Twilight: But... but WHY?

Solstice: I was bored.

Pinkie Pie (from TV): And in that fic, I was the ink!

Twilight: (shudders)

Solstice: No Pinkie, your fic was much longer and you became paint and a... nevermind. Anyways, I’m sure The Dude is wondering where I went.

(There is a knock on the door)

Carts: I got this.

(Carts walks up to the door, only to discover it locked)

Carts: Dammit, Pinkie locked the doors so we couldn’t escape. Wait a minute... there’s a keypad here! Let’s see... CMC3BFF.

(Door opens, and a cloud of smoke escapes, and the Dude walks in)

The Dude: Holy shit man! That is one big ass cloud. Hey Solstice! Where have ya been man?

Solstice: Here, riffing with Twilight and CartsBeforeHorses.

The Dude: CartsBeforeHorses? What kind of name is that?

Carts: Well, you know how when you’re stoned, you look at things in a different way?

Twilight: Wait a minute, that’s what it feels like? Maybe I have been getting a contact high...

The Dude: Yeah man it makes sense, my name is sort of like that.

Solstice: and mine is just... well I’m not sure how it got started.

Carts: But yeah, putting the cart before the horse. Looking at things in a different way. That’s the common thread that runs through everything I write.

Solstice: Makes sense to me. Anyways, would you guys care if The Dude joined us on this riff, he is my riffing buddy, and since this thing is 600,000 words long...

The Dude: Holy shit, that’s a fan-fic?

Solstice: Hey, I said the same thing.

Twilight: The more the merrier, I suppose. Though then again... (glances at the open door)

Carts: Hey, you’re right! We can escape now!

Pinkie (from TV): I wouldn’t walk out there if I were you!

Carts: Oh? And what’s stopping us?

Pinkie (from TV): Well, if you read on in the fic, you will see that LittlePip encounters hellish beasts, and I took the liberty of releasing some of them into the town! If you leave, who knows what will happen?

The Dude: So that explains all of those mutants asking for directions to the library. (Turns behind him) It’s over here guys!

Solstice: (Grabs The Dude and slams the door shut) Why did we have to be roommates?

The Dude: Oh sorry man, I didn’t think that one through.

Solstice: Like the time you got a little too high and started cracking eggs into a pan, only to realize we only have a microwave, so you started cracking eggs in the microwave instead.

The Dude: I don’t even remember that man.

(Buzzer goes off)

ALL: WE’VE GOT STORY SIGN!