Twilight Sparkle Gets Pissed at a Mac and Burns Down Half of Ponyville

by Zalekai

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Random
Length: 2809

After working tirelessly to afford a Mac computer, Twilight realizes that her choice in technology... Kinda sucks.

Twilight, recently going nuts over the invention of computers, has been saving all of her bits to purchase what she thinks is the cream of the crop.

But when the machine is much less than she'd hoped for, she gets a little upset.

Published 2013-08-21 21:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-21 21:10:03 UTC

I Don't Like Macs

As the sun began to rise over the peaceful town of Ponyville, the resident librarian sprang out of bed. Twilight Sparkle was her name, and don't you mother fucking forget it. She landed on four hooves, beaming with happiness and energy as she remembered what day it was. For months, she's been saving every bit, working every job possible regardless of how raunchy, and robbing Spike's Piggy Bank without his knowledge. A bright smile flashed across her face as she quickly made her way down the stairs of her library and stepped towards a nearby candle on a desk. Suddenly, the room was engulfed in a gentle glow as the sun continued to make it's way across the sky and the candle flickered to life thanks to Twilight's trusty magic. Spike, laying awkwardly in his small makeshift bed-basket, slowly opened his eyes but instantly shielded them as the glow invaded his eyelids.

"Gahh... Twilight? What are you doing up so early? Your period was last week!" the baby dragon groaned, falling out of his cute wittle basket and onto the floor.

"Because, Spike. Today is the day!" Twilight said, happily trotting around the room, making several preparations.

As the unicorn continued scurrying about, Spike began making his way down the stairs as well, blanket wrapped around his back. He was carrying a look of wry annoyance, extremely noticeable like he was trying to convey a message like "don't wake me up at 7 in the morning, you bitch.". However, it wasn't exactly going through. His caretaker was too distracted by setting up a computer desk with her magic.

Ugh... Here we go with this again. he thought as he made his way to the final step.

Ever since she'd found out about the invention of the amazing "computer" she'd been studying the device like crazy. Reading magazines, borrowed instruction manuals, and reviews from top technology experts.

"Really... This again?" Spike asked groggily, taking a seat on the final step of the staircase.

Twilight stopped her preparations on a dime, and glared at Spike.

"Do you understand how long I've been working for this?" she asked in a venomous tone.

Spike stopped dead, his pupils shrinking. He rarely heard this tone from her, but when he did, it meant she was pissed beyond anything ever.

"Well, y-yeah but-" he stuttered nervously.

"I've been working my flank off to pay for this thing, and it's finally coming today!" she said, raising her voice slightly, taking a step closer.

Spike remained silent. He already lit the fuse, now it was time to hear the ear-shattering explosion.

"Literally, my flank. You know how many hours I've put it at Filthy Rich's Lovely Gentlecolts Club?!"

By now, the furious unicorn was all up in Spike's business, causing him to back up slightly as her muzzle touched his nose.

"S-Sorry I said anything..." he said in a fearful whisper.

"Right. Now go back up to bed before I pull your scales again." Twilight said, nodding to the upstairs.

Without hesitation, the baby dragon hopped up the stairs and shot right into his bed, hiding under the covers and shivering.

With her annoying assistance successfully subdued for the moment, she was finally ready to receive her package...

... In 6 hours.

* * *

By now, the floor of Twilight's usually clean library was covered in a thick layer of food wrappers and muck, the pony simply sprawling out on the floor amongst the trash as she waited for the doorbell to ring. With an exhausted groan, she sat up, rubbing a few crumbs from her mouth as she looked to the clock. 10 minutes past the E.T.A she was given by the post office. An angered growl erupted from her throat as she began to pace around the library, kicking cans of soda and food wrappers around.

"Stupid delivery colt... Gonna' give him what for..." she grumbled under her breath.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, breaking her from her mindless rant. The pony's ears perked up as she looked to the front door, butterflies beginning to flutter in her stomach.

It was time.

She quickly began straightening her mane and dusting more crumbs off of her coat as she approached the door. With a stern clear of her throat, she opened the door and smiled at the delivery pony.

"Hey, uhh... Got a... Package and a stuff... For... Twilight... Sprinkles?" the pony said in a boyish voice.

Twilight had dealt with this pony several times before, and the red in his eyes suggested it was going to be hard to hold a conversation.

"Yeah, Sprinkles, whatever. Just give me the package." she said quickly, breaking her smile.

"You need to uhh... Sign this... And shit..." the pony said distantly, slowly extending a clipboard to the irritated unicorn.

She quickly snatched it out of his hoof and used her magic to etch her name sloppily on the piece of paper attached to the wood.

"There." she said, shoving it back into his chest. "Package. Now."

The pony paused and chuckled under his breath, causing Twilight to roll her eyes and tap a hoof.

"You done?" she asked after a few moments of chortling.

The delivery colt nodded and slid a medium-sized cardboard box from behind him.

"Here you go dude." he said, holding back more chuckles.

Twilight sighed and slid the package inside, and reached for the door. Before she shut it however, she covered her nose with a disgusted expression.

"You smell like month-old bong water." she said with a groan.

"Wait, really?!" the colt asked worriedly before she slammed the door in his face.

She shook her head and took a deep breath as she levitated the box into her main room. A large, sleek-looking apple was depicted on the side of the cardboard box, with a small, circular bite taken out of it. This machine was supposed to be the best. No, better than the best. Magnificent! It said so on the box!

With an expression of pure glee, Twilight gently lifted the box onto her computer desk, and stepped in front of it, sliding her hooves together in anticipation.

"OK. Careful, Twilight. Don't creep the technology out..." she said to herself quietly.

Carefully and slowly, she pulled open the lid of the cardboard box. Inside was a large white box with a small slip of paper on it reading; "Thank you for purchasing a Mac." in Hipster font.

"You're welcome, heh." Twilight said in a cheesy customer voice with a chuckle.

Placing the small slip of paper aside, she pulled the top off of the large white box and peeked in.

Inside was a large ball of bubble wrap, with something undetectable in the middle of it, and a small paper instruction pamphlet. Twilight eagerly fished the packet of instructions out from beside the ball of bubble wrap and flicked it open. On it were three small bullets labeled; "Installation Instructions".

INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS

1. Carefully unwrap the protective bubble guard around your device.

Twilight nodded to herself and carefully levitated the instructions a few feet away as she reached for the ball of bubble wrap. Setting it on the table, she began to carefully peel away the protective layer with steady hooves, careful not to let her eagerness get the better of her. As she began to unfurl the ball however, she noticed that the device in the middle was... Brown. The magazine she ordered it from had shown something white.

She shrugged regardless and finished unwrapping the ball, only to be struck by more confusion. In the center of the wrapping, was a small plastic tube with an odd-looking brown substance carefully packed inside. With a raised eyebrow, she looked back to the levitating instructions.

2. Click open the plastic tube and carefully remove your device, then place it on a stable surface.

"Huh... Guess I'm not mistaken." she said quietly, taking the plastic tube in both hooves.

Clicking it open, she was instantly hit by a raunchy, disgusting smell, causing her to drop the tube on the table. The device slid out and plopped onto the table with a soft thud as Twilight covered her nostrils.

"What in the hoof is this?!" she asked, looking between the directions and the brown log on her desk for a moment.

3. Enjoy your Mac, faggot!

Twilight slowly lowered the directions and stared off into the distance, remaining completely silent.

"It's..." she said in a whisper. "a piece of shit."

She looked down to the "Mac" on her desk, narrowing both eyebrows and licking her lips.

"It's a... It's a piece of shit." she said a bit louder.

Moving closer, her rage began to grow even more intense as several flies began hovering around the device.

"IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, slamming both hooves on the table, causing the device to roll away slightly.

The furious pony screamed at the top of her lungs in unyielding rage, flipping the table and tossing it to the other side of the room.

"I PAYED 1,500 BITS FOR A LITERAL PIECE OF SHIT?!" she howled as the desk flew to the opposite side of the room and knocked one of her bookshelves askew.

"All the jobs... All the saving... ALL THE DANCING?!"

She stomped over to another bookshelf, breathing heavily. The walls began to shake as she cocked her head upwards and howled to the heavens in pure rage.

"I SHOOK MY ASS IN BIG MAC'S FACE FOR A PIECE OF SHIT?!" she screeched, ripping several books from the shelf, tossing them like rag dolls across the room.

After several minutes of crashing and screaming, Spike began to clumsily make his way down the steps again, woken out of his afternoon nap.

"Agh... Twilight... I thought you said your period was over?" he said with an exhausted groan. "and what smells awful?!"

As the dragon reached the bottom step, he cleared his eyes, and noticed Twilight's twisted expression. She was on the opposite side of the room tumbling over the last of her bookcases with a savage growl. The pony quickly snapped her glance at Spike, grinding her teeth together in rage.

"Woah... Dude, that's creepy..." he said quietly.

"It's a piece of shit, Spike." she whispered through a sadistic smile.

Spike paused, raising an eyebrow.

"The Mac." she said, fishing the device from beneath the bookshelf, taking it in her hoof. "It's a piece of shit!" she continued with a maniacal laugh.

"Ew! Twilight, put that down, are you nuts?!" Spike said in a disgusted tone.

The pony narrowed both of her eyebrows and cocked her foreleg back, throwing the Mac at Spike with all of her strength. His eyes went wide as he ducked and covered his head in fear, the piece of shit flying past him and crashing through one of Twilight's front windows.

"Oh, sweet! Candy!"

"Twilight, what on Celestia's green earth has gotten into you?!" Spike spat, standing back up in a defensive stance.

Bad move.

Twilight jumped off of the bookshelf and began stepping slowly and spastically towards Spike, giggling sadistically, her neck ticking every few seconds.

"I'm.... Very upset... VERY upset, Spike..." she said in-between laughs.

Spike tried to back away, but was stopped by the staircase. Trapped as Twilight began to step closer to him. Finally, she reached him, and leaned down, inches from his face.

"I want to burn something." she whispered.

"W-What does that have to do with me?" Spike asked worriedly.

Twilight flashed a cheeky grin to the baby dragon before slugging him in the stomach with out warning, her hoof easily cracking three of the baby dragon's ribs as the punch connected. He instantly doubled over in pain, hunching over his afflicted stomach as he groaned in agony. He immediately lost his balance however, as Twilight picked him up and rolled him over, grabbing his tail in one hoof and the scales atop his head in the other, holding him forward like a weapon. She squeezed on the tail twice, two small bursts of flame erupting from Spike's mouth as she held the back of his head.

"Perfect!" she said with a wide smile.

Outside of the library, Lyra was happily walking down the street sipping a milkshake. She'd just been given first chair lyre in the Ponyville Orchestra, and Bon Bon had proposed to her despite the harsh same-sex marriage laws in Equestria! Yes, the day was looking positively perfect as she strutted down the street, feeling happier than a sissy with a bag full of dicks.

"I guess I'll go tell my pal Twilight about my great day! We always talk when people aren't looking!" she said in a cheery tone.

Approaching the library, the sea-green mare closed her eyes and smiled, knocking her hoof twice on the door. She was greeted by Twilight kicking the door open, knocking her on her back a few feet from the library with an awestruck expression. The furious unicorn stepped out of her home, makeshift flamethrower held high, looking to Lyra with sadistic anger.

"FUCK THA PO-LICE!" she screamed.

Lyra watched in terror as Twilight lowered Spike in front of her and squeezed his tail, causing a massive green flame to erupt from his mouth and engulf her completely. She immediately began rolling around, completely engulfed in a searing flame, screaming at the top of her lungs. Nearby, several ponies stopped and stared at the grotesque sight, most of their jaws dropping in disbelief. Twilight looked to them all, and smiled brightly.

"Run." she said quietly.

Instantly, everypony on the streets began a full-scale panic, running around like crazy, trying to escape before Twilight began her rampage. The flame-wielding unicorn sprinted to the first building she spotted and readied Spike. A howl of pleasure erupted from her lips as she set the house aflame, the rustic cottage completely surrounded by fire after a few seconds of sustained assault. She then moved onto the next one, setting it ablaze as well until almost her entire block was a giant glowing flame. Several ponies began screaming and running out of their burning homes, a few trying to put out the flames that were surrounding their coats.

One by one, the houses burned. The businesses, the town's decor, and even more of the residents fell victim to Twilight's angry flame. She was determined to make ponies feel the same pain that she felt. Working so hard for something, only to have it savagely ripped away by the hands of fate.

As her kill count began to rise, so did Twilight's maniacal laughter. She hoisted Spike above her head and pumped her forelegs up and down, showing him off as a trophy and an icon as her block burned in the background. Several ponies were laying dead in the streets, their corpses charred, their expressions a mix between disbelief and agony. She finally felt fulfilled, happy, like life actually had meaning again. She paused however, as something clicked in her mind, and she looked to the left.

It was there she saw it...

She dropped Spike on the ground, who instantly curled up in a ball and began crying profusely.

It's beautiful...

The mare stepped closer to a store window beside her, eyes wide in excitement.

So sleek...

An electronics store, advertising computers in their front window.

So beaufitul...

Finally reaching the glass, she propped herself against it, looking eagerly into the glass. Inside of the display case... Were several PC's. She looked around for a moment, cautiously searching for anyone that may have been watching, despite the fact that she had just murdered her entire street. Then, with a deep breath, threw her elbow into the window, shattering it completely. The mare frantically reached in and scooped up the nearest computer she could find in both hooves, then hurriedly trotted home among the smoldering ruins.

* * *

"Gosh this is just going to be great!" Twilight said, tossing open the door to her home.

She quickly levitated the turned-over computer desk at the opposite side of the room into it's correct position, and threw the computer down onto it.

"I should've known this would be the better choice..." she said quietly, levitating all of the wires into their respective places.

The excited fire was burning in her chest again, as if she was positive that this would be the one. The one she should've gotten in the first place. The perfect machine. Despite all of the destruction she had just caused, this was the light at the end of her tunnel. She knew she would be facing consequences soon, but at least she wasn't dealing with a piece of shit anymore.... Time's were about to get a lot better.

"Oh boy, Windows 8!"

The End