Crazy Little Thing Called Love
SOMEBODY TO LOVE
~BICO
Crazy Little Thing Called Love
"I suppose," Rarity said, addressing Princess Cadance, who was reclining on a comfortable cushion. "I could give it a shot."
Cadance smiled. "Oh, Rarity, would you do that for me?"
Rainbow Dash, who had been hovering above Princess Cadance's head, shot higher into the air and pointed her hoof at Rarity enthusiastically. "Way to step it up, Rare."
As Cadance's attendant and the messenger pony stared in awe at their sovereign's bravery in accepting the assistance of a foreign mare who had never even seen the official royal coiffure, the Crystal Princess continued. "Fortunately, I have all the precise instructions right here." Her horn glowed aquamarine and a chest held up by two other crystal ponies opened, revealing a scroll which unfurled to reveal a set of instructions that stretched from very near the ceiling all the way to the tops of the ponies' heads.
Rarity blinked at the sight. "Oh, my."
Cadance rose and walked up behind her, her brows knit in concern. "You sure you're up to this?"
Rarity looked up at the giant scroll worriedly, but when she turned back to Princess Cadance, her eyes were full of fire. "Working on the hair of royalty on such an auspicious occasion is the opportunity of a lifetime! I will give it everything I've got!"
Twilight stepped between them. "See?" she said, swiping a foreleg in front of her former babysitter, who smiled with a hint of pride at the casual attitude. "No worries!"
"Besides," Rarity said, stepping closer to examine the document as her face tightened once more. "The Games Inspector isn't expected for several hours. I'll have plenty of time to figure out exactly how to... do... this..."
Cadance beamed. "Oh, Rarity, that's wonderful!" She turned and walked back to the messenger that had brought them news of her previous hairdresser's illness that had prompted this exchange minutes before. "You said you had a second bit of news?"
The messenger started and turned back to her princess to regard her guiltily. "Yes," she looked away nervously. "Quite." She looked back at Princess Cadance again and reluctantly delivered her news. "The Games Inspector, Ms. Harshwhinny, will be arriving on the... next train."
The other assembled ponies all gasped. Rainbow Dash darted toward the messenger as her friends and the attendants began to scramble in a panic. "What?" she screeched, gesticulating wildly. "You couldn't have told her that news first? That's fifteen minuts from now!"
"Oh my goodness," Fluttershy said softly as she hovered in midair helplessly.
Twilight took a deep breath, letting her anxiety flow out of her mind while Rainbow Dash began to hyperventilate. Twilight approached Rarity with determination etched on her face. "How long before Cadance is ready?"
Rarity squinted at the list before her. "Hmmmm... I'm sure to find some shortcuts."
Twilight raised her chin confidently. "Can you have her back at the castle when we're done?"
"Done," Rarity affirmed with aplomb.
Twilight trotted over to the messenger and took the note announcing the Games Inspector's arrival. "Okay, we'll be fine." She glowered at the message as she looked it over, and then went over to the door of the spa, leading her friends sans Rarity out. "Everypony, just be on the look out for the pony with the flower print luggage."
The door shut behind the five mares, leaving Rarity with Princess Cadance and her attendants. "Well," Rarity said, puffing out her chest. "We should get started, should we, Princess?"
"Please," Cadance said as she climbed back onto her cushion and folded her legs under her. "Just call me Cadance. After all, you're one of my favorite little sister's best friends." She gave Rarity a sidelong smirk. "Not to mention cute little Spike thinks the world of you."
Rarity giggled as she donned her reading glasses and went over the first item. This was fairly standard, involving a simple braid in the back. She set to work as she continued to chat. "I suppose he does. Has he... talked to you about me?"
"Well," Cadance said with a beatific face. "I knew him well as a hatchling, of course, and when he got older he helped Twilight keep in touch with me through letters." She frowned. "Though I don't think it would have killed her to write a little more often. I didn't even know she'd moved to Ponyville until the wedding. Anyway, he's always quite eager to please."
"He certainly is," Rarity said as she tied off the braid and beamed. This was already off to a great start, and step two only involved a little feathering. "It's only too bad that he wasn't invited along. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without those hands of his around the boutique. He never seems to want anything in return, either; I practically have to force payment on him." She put a hoof to her chin thoughtfully. "So strange that he was so insistent this morning about it, actually. Took me completely off guard and I'd already used all my good gems." She sighed regretfully. "I had to completely ruin the design of the outfit I was going to wear here to give him the tastiest—and, naturally, the most valuable—red diamond I had."
"Oh, really?" Cadance asked breathily. She leaned her head toward Rarity and whispered. "So… he must be somepony... or... someone special to you? More special than anypony else?"
Rarity cleared her throat as her magic aura flared, jerking the comb through Princess Cadance's mane. "Ah... well, it's not... not like that. I mean... I can't help but feel Spike has a bit of a... oh, I don't know... a fondness for me, but... well, he is still rather young to be thinking seriously about that kind of thing. Besides, it's not like I've really had a special somepony before."
Cadance frowned. "Wait. Never? Haven't you been on a date before?"
"Well, of course," Rarity said with a laugh as she picked up a gem from the counter as well as a drill. "I used to get asked out all the time even before I got my cutie mark. I was rather mature for my age, so even the older colts had their eye on me. Unfortunately, the closest I ever came to having a special some… one…"
Cadance noted the use of the word "someone" rather than "somepony." Her eyebrow quirked curiously, but she decided to leave it at that for now.
Rarity, meanwhile, put her hoof to her forehead dramatically. "… Ended in tragedy." She went back to furiously drilling into Cadance's hair with a deepening scowl and an ever rising pitch. Rarity continued. "But I've always been a mare who knows what she wants, and every colt and stallion I've met... hasn't had it. Besides, after the fiasco with Prince Blueblood at the Grand Galloping Gala, I pretty much swore off dating."
"I see," Cadance said solemnly. "So... what, exactly, do you want?"
Rarity huffed and set the drill down for a moment, allowing herself to stare into space. She was quiet for a long moment, which prompted the other courtiers to drop what they were doing one by one and turn toward her. Finally she put a hoof to her head and closed her eyes, her mouth pulled back into the slightest grimace. "I don't ask for much, really. I just want to have my breath taken away." She leaped over Princess Cadance and landed near one of the crystal ponies, twirling and giving him a sultry wink and a coy smile, causing him to blush fiercely.
Cadance hummed and levitated an abacus, label maker, and an academy ruled notebook and started scribbling notes.
"Not to mention as motivated as I am, myself," Rarity continued, seizing the wing-hooved messenger pony and twirling her around, unfastening her saddlebags that sagged with the weight of her letters and packages. "A true champion among champions!"
Grabbing a bouquet from a nearby vase and taking one flower dramatically between her teeth, Rarity spun upon her hind hooves to the coat brusher. "The type who will give me a dozen red roses," she said around the stem. She tossed the flowers in her hooves to the crystal mare, who looked at them with confusion.
"These are Diamond Dogwoods," the brusher said, but her momentary suitress was already bounding away. She shrugged and bit into them, enjoying their crisp flavor.
"And of course," Rarity continued, giggling into her hoof as she moved to the massage table and grabbed a purple coated masseuse, leaning her back in the crook of her elbow as she craned her neck down until their muzzles nearly touched. "Shouldn't love be a funny thing?" She puckered her lips, the Diamond Dogwood held there tickling the masseuse's neck, causing her to cringe, biting her lip as her face turned an interesting ruby color before she burst into an uncontrolled fit of laughter.
Cadance smiled lightly at Rarity's antics and reviewed her notes as she leaned back in her seat. "Well, Rarity, it sounds like you really know what you..."
"Oh, that's not the most important thing!" Rarity crowed as she streaked to Princess Cadance's side, a manic grin plastered across her muzzle. She firmly took several strands of Cadance's hair and continued weaving and drilling as she took her place behind the seat, starbursts in her eyes. "The one for me must have class. Breeding. I want a... a prince of the universe!"
"Well," Cadance said, wincing at Rarity's surprisingly aggressive ministrations as she set her supplies aside for the moment. "You certainly do... aim high. Of course, you deserve it, I can tell." She paused and looked over at Rarity, who had set the drill down on the table. She noted that her expression had begun to slowly fall. "So, uh... how's it going so far?"
Rarity leaned back, pausing letting the various gems held in her telekinetic grip float around her as she worrisomely appraised her work. "Oh, I'm... so sorry," she said with a shake of her head. "It's just... oh, so complicated." She laughed, panic evident in her tense voice.
Cadance considered upon glancing to the side to see the other crystal ponies' dismayed expressions that distracting her hairdresser while working on one of the most complicated hair styles in Equestria may have not been the best plan.
"I can fix it!" Rarity blurted.
"Fix what?" Cadance asked, her suspicions becoming more concrete.
Rarity dropped everything and rushed over to the list. "Well, I-I was looking for shortcuts," she explained, coming back to the chair after reviewing the parchment. "And I thought step twelve was optional!" She hesitantly held a small hoof mirror up to Princess Cadance's countenance, fret painted across her face. "But it's not!"
Seeing the tangle of hair and gemstones atop her head, Cadance's face fell. This was certainly not going to do. Not. At. All. After a long silence, however, the princess inhaled deeply and let the tension leave her body on the exhale. "Rarity, I believe you."
"Pardon?" Rarity squeaked with a pinched face.
"You heard me," Cadance said, fixing her hardest stare upon Rarity. "I've seen your designs, and I've heard from several ponies, including my sister-in-law, Fancy Pants, and Hoity Toity, about how resourceful you are. If any mare can do it, it's you." She beamed encouragingly.
"I'm…" Rarity said falteringly. "I'm honestly touched by your faith in me, Princess." She looked over the scroll, and went back to work. She did her best to work back to step twelve, but it seemed that Cadance's hair had other ideas, fluffing out in all directions. Realizing that her patient was in critical condition, she pulled out her heavy duty chemistry and began to apply liberally. In spite of the words of encouragement, Rarity's eyes were tight as she worked.
Cadance smirked. "I'll tell you what. If you manage to turn this hair disaster around, I'll do a little something for you." She held up her notebook, a full page of which was already filled with extensive notes on Rarity's likes, dislikes, and personality type. Rarity could only imagine how she had gleaned so much from her short outburst. "Love is a crazy thing, but it's also my special talent. If I can't find you somebody to love, well…"
Rarity stared at Princess Cadance blankly, snapping out of it only when the door to the spa opened and Twilight Sparkle walked in humming a happy tune as if she didn't have a care in the world. Rarity gasped and shot across the room. "Wh-wh-what are you doing here?" she asked, trying far too hard to act casual as she panted furiously, eyes darting about the room.
"We finished the welcome committee song," Twilight explained casually, taking no heed of Rarity's sorry state. "And we just wanted to introduce Miss Harshwhinny to—"
Rarity shook her head violently. "No, no!" She looked back fearfully at her unfortunate victim. "Princess Cadance isn't ready. Something's gone terribly wrong."
"I need to speak to the princess," Twilight said, attempting to look around Rarity.
Rarity reared on her hind legs, spreading her forelegs wide to block any view of the heinous scene behind her. "You can't. You mustn't! She's in the middle of a delicate conditioning rinse that must go perfectly if there's to be any hope for her hair."
"Come on," Twilight said as she continued to move her head around in an effort to get a glimpse of her old babysitter. "How bad could it be?"
"Imagine her mane," Rarity said, seizing Twilight's hair with her magic and lifting it up. "Turned into a porcupine."
Twilight looked up at the mess Rarity had suddenly made of her mane. "Oh."
Rarity groaned and began to push Twilight out the door. "Please. I will bring her back from the brink of tragedy, but you have got to buy me some time." With one last shove, she finally got Twilight outside. "There's no other way!" she exclaimed with a melodramatic flair before slamming the door in her friend's face. Inside, Rarity heaved for a few moments before turning back toward Princess Cadance with renewed fire in her eyes. "Somebody to love, did you say?"
"Ah," Cadance said with a sheepish grin. "Yes?"
Rarity's eyes narrowed and an almost evil smile spread across her face. "It… is… on!"
Author's Note
Prereader: Imaginary Valued
“Winter wrap-up, winter wrap u-u-u-up…” Rarity sang to herself as she buckled a warm saddle around her barrel and slipped into a pair of colorful boots. The annual holiday had been a couple weeks ago, and had gone as splendidly as ever with Twilight Sparkle's management. Even so, the wintery chill tended to stick around until shortly before Hearts and Hooves day. She glanced at the calendar, and noted one of the dates circled with a red heart. “It will be here in no time… and this year…” she giggled to herself merrily as she trotted out of the boutique, an extra bit of bounce in her step.
Last year had been a little hectic, what with having a lovesick mare barricaded in her boutique. The wall and door had been nothing a little foal labor from the perpetrators of that little incident couldn’t fix, of course, but she was sure that nothing quite so dramatic would happen when she had the princess of love meddling in her relationship affairs.
Not bothering to knock, having been expected—and it was, after all, a public library—Rarity opened the door of Twilight's abode and entered.
"… used to be called Ēostre, which I learned was actually another name for Eos, and that was what Princess Aurora used be called," Twilight was explaining to Cadance in her lecturer's tone as they sat at the table sipping at tea. "So it makes sense that Hearts and Hooves Day is set at the dawn of the new year, the vernal equinox, and—as a fertility festival—became associated with romance… oh, hello Rarity!" She turned to regard her friend, who had made it all the way to the table by the time she'd been noticed.
"Your Highnesses," Rarity said as she curtsied politely. She peeked at Twilight as she did, noting that the wings the former unicorn had sprouted this past autumn were fidgeting. She sighed, remembering that Twilight had refused to even try to use them all winter due to the weather conditions, and she was still just as uncomfortable with them as when she'd first gotten them, if not more so. Worse, even now that winter had been wrapped up, Twilight was still finding excuses to evade Rainbow Dash and her training. At this rate, she might not get dragged back into the sky until the Summer Sun Celebration.
Twilight looked abashed at the display of common etiquette, while Cadance took it in stride. "I've been looking forward to seeing my star hairdresser," Princess Cadance said with a laugh. "I have to say, even though it's in repayment for your help, I think I'll actually enjoy this more than you will."
"Oh, ho," Rarity said with a coy wave of her hoof. "Not if you're as good as I've heard."
Twilight cocked an eyebrow. "I know Cadance wanted to see you on her visit to Ponyville, but… what exactly are you two planning?"
"Oh, it's nothing," Cadance replied quickly, a soothing smile on her face. "I just wanted to spend some… quality girl time with Rarity. You know, divulge some of my princessly secrets."
"There are princessly secrets?" Twilight exclaimed, leaping to all four hooves. "What are they? Why hasn't anypony told me about this? Princess Celestia told me there were no books!" She grabbed Cadance by the shoulders and shoved her muzzle in her face. "I knew there had to be books, I knew they were holding out on me. Tell me!"
Cadance stared silently at her sister-in-law, quietly contemplating how to respond. "Twilight," she said. "Breathe."
Removing herself from Princess Cadance's personal space, Twilight complied, taking a deep breath in and then exhaling. "Okay… I'm better now."
"Good," Cadance said brightly. "Now, there are some books on the subject, of course, The Princess by Marechiavelli being my favorite, but Auntie is right that you can't really learn how to be a princess through a book. It's something you can only get better at through time and practice."
Twilight took out her card catalog and began flipping through it eagerly. "Well, yes, but reading up on it can certainly make the process easier. Like with my marathon galloping. My first marathon I got fifth place just by applying what I'd learned from my books. This last time I managed to get third, and that was with Applejack and Rainbow not trying to sabotage each other." She paused and considered her hooves for a moment. "Too bad I didn't get this earth pony stamina until after that event. Maybe I'll even get first, this year."
"Maybe," Cadance said noncommittally. "Anyway, the specific princessly stuff I was talking about applies more to… Rarity's type of pony." She rose from her seat and pranced over to the waiting fashionista. "You really wouldn't be interested."
"Oh," Twilight said, wrinkling her snout. "Is it colts? You're talking about colts, aren't you? I guess I should've known from the academy ruled notebooks and the pie charts you brought along." Her mouth twisted as if she'd tasted something especially sour. "Well… just don't get carried away, okay?"
"Twa-ha-ha-hilight," Rarity laughed. "You know me, Darling. When have I ever gotten carried away?" With that she turned and made her way out of the library with her brand new princess of love in tow.
Twilight watched the door shut behind the two happy mares pensively, like a detective sensing an impending murder plot. "Oh, right!" Her face lit up and she started flipping through her catalogue with renewed vigor. "The Princess would obviously be under 320."
"So," Cadance said as she juggled several manilla envelopes stuffed with papers, a notebook, and some pie charts while they sat at the outdoor café. "I've crunched the numbers and come up with several promising matches based on the information you provided me, which was impressively thorough, by the way."
Rarity beamed, puffing her chest out. "Well, as I've said, I'm a mare who knows what she wants."
Cadance lidded her eyes as she glanced at Rarity. "So you've said. Well, anyway, I should be able to set a date for you to meet with all of them before Hearts and Hooves Day rolls around, and hopefully…"
"I'll have my special somepony!" Rarity concluded with a squeal of delight, clapping her hooves. "Alright, so where do we start?"
Cadance laid out the envelopes on the table and began to pull out the dossiers of the ponies she had selected. "Well, each of the candidates matched to a high percentage, averaging at 83% with a standard deviation of only 3%. All-in-all it looks very promising."
Rarity's eyes widened as she caught a glimpse a photograph clipped to one of the files. "Ooh, let's start with this one," she said, snatching it out of the air with her magic. She placed her reading glasses on her face and brought the photo much, much closer.
"Oh," Cadance said with a repressed smile. "I thought you'd like him."
"Oh, I do, Darling," Rarity said, dabbing the corner of her mouth with a napkin. The stallion in the photo had a pristine white coat much like her own and a well-groomed and yet roguishly mussed mane. His sky-blue eyes with that "come hither" stare really made her want to… well, go thither. Further, not that size really mattered, that horn of his was simply massive, even for a stallion's. She rested her cheek on her hoof and sunk into an admiring trance.
Cadance laughed as she watched Rarity fawn over the photo. "I guess you do, at that. His name is…"
"Dre-e-e-eam," Rarity sighed.
"Oh, you know of him, then?" Cadance asked. "Yes, Star Dream. He always gets invited to the Grand Galloping Gala. Aunt Celestia rather enjoys having the chance to see him as well, as you might imagine. You may have ran into him when you went with Twilight and your friends."
"Hm?" Rarity said, snapping out of her reverie. "Oh. Ah… perhaps. There were… so many stu—I mean, stallions at the Gala, I hardly recall anypony specifically. Well, except for…” Her eyes narrowed into fiery slits as she scowled into memory lane. “Him."
Cadance pouted. "I don't know why you wouldn't let me set you up with my cousin," she said. "He's not that bad."
"I do not wish to talk about it," Rarity said curtly.
Cadance shrugged. The princess knew her cousin could be a bit on the foppish side, but she had thought Rarity would have been interested to hear about all his charity work, not to mention his good looks, which easily matched Star Dream's. "Well, suit yourself. I can set you up with Star Dream this weekend."
"That would be…" Rarity said with stars in her eyes as she looked back at the photograph with a sigh. "Beautiful."
"Yeah," said a voice from below the table. "Beautiful."
Cadance looked down, though Rarity seemed a bit too enamored of her new suitor's picture to notice. She smiled as she saw Spike looking dreamily at Rarity, practically floating on air. "Hey, Spike. What are you doing here?"
Spike snapped himself out of it with a quick shake of his head. "Oh, uh, sorry. I was just passing by when I… got distracted. Um, what are you doing here, Princess?"
Leaning her elbow on the table casually, Cadance responded lightly. "Oh, you know. Just working my magic." She winked as her horn brimmed with soft blue energy, forming the outline of a heart shape at its tip.
"Oh," Spike said, glancing at Rarity, who was now splayed on her back across her seat, her head upside down as she continued to gush over Star Dream's photo. His face became cloudy, and he shifted his feet anxiously. "Well… good luck with that, I guess. Hope everything goes well."
Cadance patted Spike on the head. "Don't worry, Spike. Remember, I know a lot about love, and one of love's greatest lessons is learning to let it go… and to let it grow."
Spike folded his arms across his chest and his cheeks tinged pink. "I-if you say so." His lime green ear twitched as a voice called for him, and he turned to the source.
"Hey, Spike, are you gonna waste your time talking with old mares all…" Scootaloo groused before stopping in her tracks as she registered Cadance's presence. "I… I mean… you shouldn't be… bothering such awesome, beautiful princesses of their own empires all the… time… heh, heh."
Cadance smirked. "Oh, Spike, what a cute new girlfriend you have, there."
Rarity’s ears perked and she found herself momentarily unable to breathe. “Spike?” she said, finally noticing the young dragon. “Girlfriend?" With a swivel of her head saw Scootaloo blushing fiercely. "O-oh!” she took a deep breath, allowing the inexplicable tenseness in her chest ease. “Spikey-Wikey! You've got a new girlfriend? And…" She pursed her lips pensively as she considered the filly before her. "Such a young one, too."
"I-I'm not his girlfriend!" Scootaloo said defiantly, inflating her chest out and flaring her tiny wings. She shrank a bit after a moment. "And I'm not that much younger than him." She glanced nervously at her bare flank. "I've practically got a cutie mark already."
Cadance beamed. "Of course. So… you were complaining about Spike not spending time with you…?"
Scootaloo's blush renewed itself as she scowled at Princess Cadance ruefully. "I told you he's not my girlfriend. I mean, I'm not his boyfriend. I'm not his girlfriend!" She huffed. "He's my rival for Rainbow Dash's affections!"
"Ooh, a love triangle," Rarity said with a giggle.
"Not like that," Spike said with an exasperated palm to his forehead. "Rainbow Dash is trying to… you know… be a 'big sister' to Scootaloo, and apparently it involves learning how to hit punching bags. I'm, uh… helping. Apparently."
"You promised to be my rival," Scootaloo said. "Everypony knows that every star student has to have a less skilled rival to constantly try to one-up her but always fail."
"She has a point," Rarity conceded.
"Alright, alright," Spike grumbled, turning to leave. "I'd better not end up covered in sap this time, though." He hopped on Scootaloo's scooter, taking her flanks in his claws.
Scootaloo rolled her eyes and turned on her wings, her minuscule flight aura propelling them forward. "Don't be such a baby dragon."
Rarity smoothed out her layered blue gown with her matching magic aura and adjusted her diamond-caked tiara with her hoof. She had gone all out with her mane, separating it into several lush locks which curled around into a loose bun on top of her head. Her tail was equally well-styled, done in a coiled braid with sapphires fastened into it.
"You look amazing, Rarity," Cadance exclaimed as they stood outside La Magie Ailécorne.
Tittering giddily, Rarity twirled about in place. "Oh, thank you, Darling. I only hope my date tonight thinks so."
"Oh, I'm sure," Cadance said. Her horn glowed a soft blue. "Now... I'll introduce you two, and then I'll just step aside and let the magic happen, okay?"
"Alright!" Rarity said with conviction, and the two headed into the establishment, the bouncer pony waving them inside immediately upon seeing the princess.
The inside of La Magie Ailécorne was spacious and decorated in a very postmodern style, including a kitchen sink displayed prominently under glass and pegasi locked in hanging gilded cages. The furniture was quite large and organic, as well, and in places created pseudo private areas. The lights were dim, but differently colored spotlights roamed the dance floor, causing Rarity's jewelry to sparkle delightfully when one came close. Adding to the atmosphere was the high energy live instrumental music booming throughout.
Finding Star Dream was merely a matter of having functioning eyes. He was at the center of the crowd, chatting amicably with a herd of statuesque, prepossessing fillies as well as a smattering of less attractive but still rather dashing stallions mingling at his periphery. Rarity felt a hard lump form in her throat as she felt the formidable competition on display full force, but she swallowed it down resolutely. She was, after all, on an official date sanctioned by an alicorn princess whose very talent was love, and she was certainly just as beautiful as any of these young tarts. Not only that, but she was one of the most accomplished mares in Equestria, both in fashion and world-saving. Which of them could compete with that?
Star turned to her as she and the princess approached, an alluringly comfortable expression on his face that reminded her somewhat of her friend Applejack's older brother. However, as he looked her up and down, she noted that he exuded sex appeal in a way that Big McIntosh could never hope—nor, she suspected, would ever want—to achieve. "Princess!" he said with the self-assuredness of one who knows he's the most desirable colt in the room. "Good to see you. And this must be Rarity." He gave a saucy wink, and Rarity's heart fluttered a little. "Dam, you're a sexy mare."
Rarity felt one corner of her mouth begin to pull downward, but suddenly she and Star were surrounded by a soft blue light, and she felt a hot spark snap deep in her chest. Her face flushed and she found herself feeling decidedly more demure. "Oh, Mr. Dream," she said softly, turning her head away and peaking at him out of the corner of her eye. "You have... such a way with words."
"Well!" Cadance interjected happily as the heart shaped aura around the tip of her horn faded. "I'll leave you two lovebirds to your date."
Rarity hardly heard the princess as she fell into the deep, dark wells that were Star Dream's eyes. He was in much the same state, his self-assured facade melting away as his jaw dropped open. The crowd around them looked on in confusion as their idol appeared to have gone catatonic and turned as red as one of Sweet Apple Acres' freshest apples. Talk began to circulate about calling a doctor when Star finally spoke again.
"I... I just realized that your eyes are... almost as beautiful as mine," he said breathily.
Rarity tittered. "You have the most gorgeous mane, Darling."
"Indeed," Star said with a besotted sigh. "The way you recognize my superior coiffure is simply one of your best traits. Most mares simply cannot accept such a simple fact."
"Oh-ho-ho-ho," Rarity said with a wave of her hoof. "How ridiculous they are."
Star extended his hoof, his teeth flashing charmingly. “Would you like to dance?”
Rarity set her hoof in his, her nose held high with pride as she basked in the envy exuding from the surrounding mares. “I would be honored, good sir.” She yelped when he yanked her toward him, placing his other hoof firmly on her croup as he wagged his eyebrows salaciously. “Oh, my!”
The tempo and volume of the music ramped up, and Rarity was sure they were overdoing the percussion instruments a tad. Star, for his part, began to gyrate as wildly as the musicians were jamming.
“You… you certainly have…” Rarity’s mind struggled to find a way to describe this colt’s flailing without being disrespectful. “Uh… ‘enthusiasm.’”
“That’s right, baby,” he said, spinning her around and grinding himself in a rather inappropriate fashion upon her flank. “You can have all this action.”
Rarity imagined him attempting this kind of action in anything resembling an intimate setting and felt the extreme urge to cringe . Still… he was so ridiculously good looking. “Oh, you’re so… charmingly maladroit.”
“Thank you,” Star said smoothly, cocking his brow as he showed an admittedly impressive amount of agility by slowly shimmying into a bipedal squatting position while shaking his barrel before rising back up to a more standard two legged stance.
“Star Dream!” one of the fillies called out, drawing his attention away from Rarity. “You still need to dance with me. You promised!”
“And me!” another mare interjected.
“Don’t forget about me,” yet another demanded, followed by further muddled cries for attention.
“Sorry, baby,” Star said as he set himself back down on all fours and stroked Rarity’s cheek adoringly. “My fans await. You just wait… right… there.” With that, he pulled the nearest filly into his grasp and they both began to flail and bump body parts randomly.
Rarity stared mutely. "Seriously?" she asked. She turned and caught Princess Cadance's eye across the room, who shrugged helplessly. She set her visage into a mask of determination and forced her way through the partying ponies. She bumped into one, in particular, who stopped her short.
"Whoa, there, Rarity," Pinkie said, a hoof on her friend's chest. She was decked out in bows, neon tubes, a pacifier for some reason, and a tee shirt with "Party Ponies Equestria Chapter" scrawled over the silhouette of a creature with the body of a large pony and the upper portion of something like a minotaur coming out of its neck area.
"Pinkie?" Rarity said, momentarily distracted by the atrocious attire. "What... are you doing here?"
"One, this is a party, so duh," Pinkie replied, holding a hoof up. "Two," she held another hoof up while still having one hoof on Rarity's chest. Rarity didn't dare look down to see how the pink pony was balancing. "I have to warn you about what you're trying to do." She looked around furtively and leaned in close. "These are unforgiving waters, lass."
"Pinkie, do not start talking like a pirate to me," Rarity pleaded. "I really can't deal with that right now."
"That's the thing!" Pinkie said, mashing her face into Rarity's, her eyeballs invading her personal space. "If you want to get with this Star Dream guy, you're going to have to deal with something way worse than getting talked to like a pirate."
"Like?" Rarity asked resignedly. It was really best to let Pinkie prattle on about whatever it is that was on her mind than to try and stop her. She'd learned her lesson about that awhile ago somewhere between Appleoosa and Ghastly Gorge.
"Well," Pinkie said, turning to point at Star dancing with some young fanfilly. "He's a pretty attractive guy, right? So he attracts a lot of ponies' attention."
"Right," Rarity agreed, gritting her teeth as Star looked back at her with longing in his eyes, though it didn't seem to stop him from bumping flanks enthusiastically with his “dance” partner.
"Well..." Pinkie said hesitantly.
The music came to a screeching halt and a shadowy figure descended from the ceiling, separating the filly from her idol. A ball of fire engulfed the poor girl, incinerating her clothing and making a mess of her mane. The shadowy figure landed between Rarity and Star Dream, joined by several other ponies who glared hatefully at her.
"Um, I guess," Pinkie said. "If you're gonna date him, you may have to defeat his seven evil exes."
"Miss Rarity!" cawed one of the mares, who was tall and slender like a Saddle Arabian horse, but dressed in a striped shirt and a tan jacket and wore way too much eye shadow. "It is I, Uno Firespell. Consider our fight... begun!"
As Rarity watched the desert coated mare lunge at her, she could only cock her head in confusion. Apparently, this lady had some kind of issue with her, and was seeking to resolve it through physical means. She was, frankly, at a loss as to the proper etiquette in this situation.
"Fight!" Pinkie shouted authoritatively.
Rarity's ears perked at this command, her body moving as if pulled along by a master puppeteer. She easily dodged Uno's first attack with a graceful turn of her body, delicately taking her arm in her hooves and flipping her over onto her back before stomping on her exposed solar plexus. She smoothly pulled Uno back to her feet and, still holding the arm, performed an outside crescent kick with her left hind leg followed by an inside crescent from her right. She released the limb and leaped into the air, allowing herself a moment's hang time to adjust her luxurious locks before driving her back hooves straight into Uno's face.
After a long, stunned silence, Pinkie finally spoke, encapsulating the consensus of the room eloquently and concisely: "Whoa."
"Really, how rude," Rarity scoffed. "And such démodé style too. Who dresses like a pirate?"
In a corner booth, a pale blue pegasus with a multicolored mane slowly removed her eyepatch and tricorn hat.
Rarity demurred as she saw the remaining six ponies glaring at her. "Oh," she said. "I... suppose it wasn't very ladylike of me to engage in that little scuffle and injure your friend. I can assure you, she'll be quite alright in an hour or two."
"She wasn't our friend," one of the mares, this time a pegasus movie starlet Rarity recognized vaguely from somewhere, said irately.
A samurai jack stepped in. "She was just one of our fellow exes."
"Really, she was just in our way, too," a very powerful looking earth pony mare said.
"We're sorry about this," Lotus said.
"But we're going to have to destroy you," Aloe finished.
"The spa twins, really?" Rarity asked, causing them to shoot her apologetic looks.
A smarmy mare coldly regarded Rarity through her shining spectacles. "It's really just business."
"So, if I want to date him," Rarity began, looking at Star Dream, who waved at her and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I have to fight—"
"Defeat," Star corrected before shutting his mouth abruptly before Rarity's withering frown.
"I have to defeat the rest of you," Rarity concluded. She scanned the faces of Star's exes.
"That just about sums it up," the smarmy mare said as she polished a wicked looking katana.
Rarity looked at Pinkie, who grinned broadly. "I... don't suppose I can fight you all at once, can I?"
"That would hardly be fair," the starlet said.
"What if I tied a hoof behind my back?" Rarity asked. Then her eyes widened as a thought struck her. "Oh, you mean to me. Oh... Don't... Don't worry about that, darlings."
"It really wouldn't be honorable," the samurai jack said.
"You have to fight us one on one over a period of several months to a year," the strong mare said.
"Of course, you'll confront the manifestations of your own darkest self during this time," Aloe said.
"And grow as a pony when you realize the truth about your nature," Lotus added.
The smarmy mare rolled her eyes. "If you survive that long."
Rarity considered this before glancing back at Cadance, who was still watching from a distance, her horn lit up with a little heart as she waved encouragingly. She turned back to the evil exes and stomped her foot, drawing a deep breath. "Pass."
"It wasn't really that bad," Cadance said as she sat across from Rarity, who was lying morose across her red chaise longue. "Didn't you like him?"
"Of course!" Rarity sobbed. "He was gorgeous and famous and gorgeous and rich!" She gasped for air. "Not to mention gorgeous! And he really liked me, too!"
“Yeah, the way he was crying for you when those exes ganged up on him while we were leaving really drove that home,” Cadance said. "So-o-o-o..."
Rarity flopped onto her back and sighed. "Well, I mean... I just thought, with all that attention he gets, and having to fight off any mare—or jack or stallion, apparently—whose eye he catches, how much time would I have to actually enjoy myself?” She blew air through her lips scornfully. “Besides, when I really thought about it, even though he had the qualities I was looking for in a stallion, I just didn’t see anything that was really… worth it.”
Princess Cadance hummed thoughtfully. “Well, there are other fish in the sea, as they say. In fact...” She levitated her manilla envelopes as she brightened. “I’ve got more great catches right here.”
Rarity sighed. “Well, hopefully the next one has a little more substance... ah!" Rarity clopped her hooves together. "I know what the problem was. I was just so taken in by Dream's looks that I never even thought to check his other attributes. Perhaps... you should remove the headshots and any other identifying information that might bias my decision for me? After all, true love is blind."
"Alright." Cadance quickly removed the photos from the various profiles, keeping them out of Rarity's full view. "Here you go."
Rarity took a stack of the proffered documents and began to peruse them critically. After several moments she tapped her chin and hummed. "This one looks promising. A self-made millionaire with businesses in twelve major cities, affiliations with several noted charities, and some very smart investment choices, including stock in Sweet Apple Acres." She cocked her eyebrow. "Huh. I didn't realize Applejack had taken her farm public.”
"Sounds like a real winner," Cadance remarked, beaming at her. "Is this your choice for your next date?"
A giddy squeak escaped Rarity's throat. "Oh, yes. Final answer, Darling!"
"Let's see what you've won!" Cadance said as she pulled out a large photograph and turned it to face Rarity.
Rarity froze as she took in the visage. Though the immaculate grooming and professional expression seemed out of place, the stallion in the photograph with his chocolate mane, butter-colored coat, and bucked teeth were all too familiar. After a long silence, Rarity finally spoke.
"Hayseed Turnip Truck?"
Author's Note
Prereader: Imaginary Valued
