Misc. Exie

by Doc Crowl

Rating: teen
Tags: Big Macintosh, Random, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Bon-Bon
Length: 2032

Two ponies discuss the illustrious Exie as she strips half a room away.

The usually suave Lucky Day has just been turned down by Exie backstage, and can't get over the fact that his love would hurt him so.

Dusty Vellum is sitting at the bar, trying to drink herself into oblivion with a bottle of Applejack Daniels.

The two meet, get struck by the infamous 'Ping Pong Trick', are witness to the birth of Equestrian Nutella, and see some familiar faces having fun, while everypony involved ends up earning more/less than they bargained for.

Written for the Exie Writing Contest by that glorious bastard ImJustAnotherBrony. This fic is intentionally terrible, and includes the 'Sex' tag due to implied... well, 'intimacy' isn't the right word, so let's go with 'debauchery'.

Published 2013-07-26 19:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-26 19:20:02 UTC

Old Love, New Love

Lucky Day saddled out of the thick crowd and up to the bar with a sigh, dropping his bouquet of flowers before undoing the black tie from around his neck.

“Barkeep, bring me a glass of your best cabernet sauvignon, s’il vous plait. I require sustenance for a broken heart,” he lamented with a haughty accent.

The old stallion behind the bar looked Lucky Day up and down with an upturned eyebrow, scoffed, and then trotted away to take care of his regulars.

“Not one of the usuals here, huh blondie?” a drunk mare asked Lucky. “Maybe that horseshoe on your flank is upside down for a reason.”

Lucky Day gave the pale blond mare a quick glance. A light periwinkle coat, a closed scroll cutie mark, an open bottle of Applejack Daniels, and a deep scowl greeted him with all the warmth of dragon’s fire.

“For your information, it isn’t upside down. But what would a drunken excuse for an earth pony know of my heart’s pain?” A hoof was thrown dramatically to his forehead, and he draped himself over the bar.

“Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears; What is it else? A madness most discreet, A choking gall, and a preserving sweet. Oh, but to be amongst her bedsheets again!”

Dusty Vellum shook her head, and slammed another shot of Applejack Daniels with a muttered, “Fag.”

The house lights came down, and a sultry voice came over the speakers to quiet Lucky Day’s indignant sputters.

“And now, the debonair mare with many an affair. Buyer beware- or your heart she'll ensnare! The little solar flare au pair herself, Exieeee!”

The red maned earth pony swayed her hips as she waltzed onto the stage in the middle of the club. She was dressed up more than usual, with a frilly lace bridle strapped on in addition to her boots and leg warmers.

The crowd was deafening, and everypony became enraptured as she started to move in hypnotic ways. The bridle began to slip off, to everypony’s approval.

Everypony, that is, except Dusty Vellum’s.

“Still don’t understand how that blank flank gets more action than me,” she slurred. “Stupid whorse can’t even be legal!”

Lucky Day sighed as the bartender passed by without his requested drink. “Perhaps it has to do with your attitude, hm?”

As Dusty went to pour herself another shot, the sound of water being released hit her ears. “Stupid water dumping chain pull,” she muttered. “Not even original or anything.”

“She need not be original to capture my heart,” Lucky said to himself as he glanced back. “Oh sweet Celestia, I remember that trick...”

“Of course ya do loverpony, it’s not even— OW!”

Dusty Vallum was cut off by a ping pong striking the back of her head, to the cheers of everypony in the room.

Lucky Day moaned as he continued watching the show, but Dusty vehemently refused to turn around.

“Why are you so obsessed with her?” she demanded. “You think you’re special out of the thousands she’s gotten dirty with?”

“Oh, but I truly believed I was!” Lucky told her. “We’ve seen each other four times afore this night, but when I visited her room before the show... I was told she didn’t wish to see me any longer.”

He put his head down on the bar, though still angled enough to watch the stage.

“What could you possibly have against such an extraordinary mare?” he sighed with a small smile. “Such grace... such beauty... such— wait, isn’t that the older brother of one of the Elements of Harmony?”

Dusty Vallum hunched her shoulders forcefully. “Don’t know, don’t care, don’t wanna know, ain’t gonna care. Why aren’t you letting me enjoy my bottle in peace?”

“EEEYUUUP!” echoed around the club, along with the giggling of a certain promiscuous mare and catcalls from the crowd.

“Look at ‘im go!”

“He’s a beast!”

“How is she bending that way!”

“Dear Celestia, why did she have to leave me?!”

The last exclamation came from Lucky Day, who was at this point close to tears.

“She could have been my beloved! She was my beloved! How could she do this to me?” he sobbed, pounding his hoof into the bar for emphasis.

“You think you’re the only one she’s ever left, blondie?” asked the bartender, who had paused to belittle the bar-injuring newbie. “Everypony here’s been with Exie, and then some. Why do you think the club is packed whenever she’s performing?”

Dusty Vellum grumbled into her shot glass, while Lucky Day looked around in surprise. “You mean to tell me all these ponies have been with my dearest?” he gasped.

“Well, you didn’t think they showed up for the poor service, did you?” the bartender laughed, trotting away once again.

“But, my drink...” Lucky called after him weakly.

“Maybe if you weren’t such a jackass, you’d manage to get things done,” Dusty Vellum told him honestly. “Do you really think they even carry that kinda drink ‘round here?”

“Perhaps not,” Lucky day replied with a coy smile. “But he brought up a good point. Everypony here is present for one thing and one thing only: Exie.”

“Yeah? And?” Dusty Vellum spat, her expression souring more than before. “If you’ve got a point, make it quick.”

“Everypony is here for Exie... Including you,” he replied with a smirk.

Sighing, Dusty Vellum finished off the last of her Applejack Daniels before grabbing it in one hoof and smashing it against the bar.

Turning quickly, she held it up to the paling throat of Lucky Day.

“Of course I am!” she growled. “I fucking hate her for everything she did to me, but I can’t get her out of my damned head! If I want to sit here wallowing in my drunken hate, you better Celestia-damned let me do so in peace!”

Lucky Day nodded quickly, his hooves in front of him as he trembled. “Of course, of course! You do whatever you’d like!”

Tossing the broken bottle into the crowd without breaking eye contact with Lucky Day, she ignored the cry of pain some thirty feet away to yell for another bottle.

The Applejack Daniels was in front of her before she sat back down, with the bartender giving Dusty an appeasing smile.

“Who do I have to hurt to get service like that?!” Lucky Day yelled after the bartender as he scurried away.

“How about getting sent to jail for five years after showing your object of passion her first real romancing?” Dusty Vellum chuckled without humor as she poured her next shot. “Be her math teacher, walking in on a fifteen year old Exie getting dirty with her friend in your classroom. Then show them the real meaning of pleasure and, quote, ‘Get my bitch ass sent to prison where I belong’.”

Lucky Day’s eyes bulged. “You mean you were the first to show Exie carnal pleasure?” he asked disbelievingly.

“Not even close. But I’m sure she used some old moves of mine on you, loverpony,” Dusty replied before her next shot was tipped back.

“Who wants these cans of whipped cream? How about you, sexy mare in the front!” Exie yelled from her position onstage. The two ponies sitting at the bar turned to watch as a beige coated earth pony with three pieces of wrapped candy on her flank was hoisted onstage.

“Think you can help me make something... sweet, Ms...?” Exie asked, handing a can of projectile dairy to the suddenly shy mare.

“Well, that is my special talent, I suppose,” the nervous earth pony replied. “And my name is, uh, Bon Bon, Ms. Exie.”

“Ms. Exie! I love her already!” Exie yelled to the approval of the crowd.

“Huh. The whipped cream deal is new,” Dusty Vellum muttered to herself as she watched quietly. “Guess she’s learned some things beyond me after all.”

That seemed to depress the mare even more, and she turned back to the bar seeking comforts only Applejack Daniels could give.

“Perhaps she’s grown since you two last met?” Lucky Day suggested hopefully. “She was rather creative when we were, uh, together.”

The room suddenly erupted in cheering, as cries of disbelief made themselves known.

“How did they do that?!”

“I didn’t even know you could use somepony’s fluids like that!”

“That looks like chocolate!”

“I’m calling it ‘Nutella’ for her distinctive taste!” Bon Bon yelled back at the crowd, her shyness utterly forgotten as she made good use of her special talent with Exie.

“Perhaps so,” Dusty Vellum agreed. “Doesn’t mean I don’t hate the little bitch for what she did to me, though.”

Lucky Day put a hoof to his chin. “Why would she get you sent to jail if you’d played such a part in her life?”

“Because morally, it was wrong of me to do,” Dusty Vellum told him. “I’ll give her that. But I mean, look at me!”

Lucky did.

He was unimpressed when she was compared to Exie, but he had to admit the older mare was at least somewhat attractive.

“I used to be a goddess at that school!” Dusty Vellum cried. “I was the fancy of every hot-to-trot stud, every happy-go-lucky mare, every filly and colt wanted a piece of me! Now look at me!”

She gestured to her position at the bar with a dismissive wave, and let her head fall onto the bar with a groan.

“Ooh, I’m looking alright. And all I see is potential,” a voice behind the pair spoke up, causing Dusty to jump.

Turning around, Lucky Day grinned as Exie made her way through the parting crowd.

“Look what the cat let out of prison,” Exie joked, poking her old math teacher as she sat bolt upright. “You and the loverpony seem to have a little bit of an issue, hmm?”

Despite the half loving, half intoxicated shine to her eyes, Dusty Vellum snorted. “Yeah. Heartbreak. Caused by you.”

“Well, you know what they say, don’t you?” Exie murmured seductively as she traced little circles on her old teacher’s chest, moving lower and lower. “We all pay the price for love.”

A gasp ran throughout the crowd, but Exie was too enraptured by watching her old teacher’s eyes roll backwards to notice until Lucky Day poked her in the flank.

“Alright, look buddy, I don’t appreciate your constant—” Exie began, until she saw what he was pointing at.

“M-My cutie mark!” She cried in joy, lithely twisting so she was face to face with her own flank. She didn’t hear the collective moans that ran through the crowd.

“A heart with a price tag! Ooh, if that isn’t the perfect mark for you, I don’t know what is,” Lucky Day gave her a suggestive smile. “Perhaps we should... celebrate?”

Exie looked up at him with a coy smile, “Perhaps we should! What do you think fellas, should we consummate this event with some on-stage fun?” she called out.

To the roars of approval from the crowd, Lucky Day stepped forward and started to bend towards Exie’s mouth, his eyes closed as his heart began to flutter.

Instead of lips, he found himself smooching a hoof. Surprised, he looked up to see Exie’s bemused expression.

“Not with you, loverpony. Celestia knows I’ll never get rid of you if we do anything else again. On the other hoof... Ms. Vellum?”

Dusty’s eyes bulged as she heard her name called out. Exie turned, and gave her old teacher the most innocent eyes she could manage.

“Don’t you think we could make up for all that nasty business back in school by making it your ‘Lucky Day’ tonight?”

With only the briefest of pauses, Dusty Vellum took a deep swig of her Applejack Daniels before hopping down off her stool. “Let’s go kid, up onstage,” Dusty ordered, shooing Exie through a cheering crowd as a deflated Lucky Day looked on.

“I may have taught you a lot young mare, but I didn’t teach you everything!”

Author's Note

That was terrible. I admit it, and place the blame solely on Exie's creator. Y'know, for being an asshat.

:heart: :rainbowkiss: ImJustAnotherBrony :rainbowkiss: :heart: