Sunpoint

by Okhlahoma Beat-Down

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, Human, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 6286

Richard Conway: Hat Fancier, Freelance Spy, Interdimensional Traveller.

My name is Richard Conway. I'm a Freelance Spy, working for all kinds of people and usually breaking lots of things, namely windows, in the process.
So, an old friend, Melanie Rooke, had this device she gave me as thanks for cleaning up a few misplaced and lost files from an old building of hers. Needless to say, I can now travel between dimensions, and I've surprisingly found one inhabited by adorable ponies. But, evidently, they don't want me there, so I'll have to do this one on my own.
The most important thing is that I can kick down doors.

This is a story based off of the indie game Gunpoint, and I highly recommend you play it before reading this.

Published 2013-07-27 15:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-23 23:53:57 UTC

Trousers

"Conway, it's Rooke."

"Really? I thought it was Gessler."

"Yes, of course. You know all those weeks ago when I gave you that fun series of jobs that consisted of breaking windows with your face to steal things from my own company?"

"(Lie) No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. You're a terrible liar."

"Damn. What gave me away?"

"Firstly, the CCTV footage I have of you stealing the things, and secondly, the fact that you wrote (Lie) before that message."

"OK, fine. What do you want?"

"One of my company buildings is being demolished, but someone didn't collect all the important files from the database."

"Well, that's a surprise."

"Yeah, every job you get revolves around going to a computer terminal and stealing some info."

"How did you know?"

"You wrote it on your blog. Anyway, you interested?"

"Sure. How much are you paying?"

"I'm not paying you with money."

"So are you paying me with hats?"

"This isn't Team Fortress 2. I'm paying you with a device we're testing. With any luck, it should allow for interdimensional travel."

"..."

"So?"

"...Melanie, are you high?"

Rooke has ended the call.

The rain pattered down on Conway's hat and jacket as he stood outside the building in question. It was like absolutely every Rooke Firearms building in the city, in that it was made of brick, had a ton of windows, and as far as he could tell, guards. Why Melanie insisted on guarding every building, even buildings that are due to be destroyed, Conway would never understand. But, luckily, the terminal he was aiming for was on the bottom floor, and also near a subway on the other side of the building, so it would be quite a quick and simple task to upload the files to a USB and replace it with kitten pictures.

Before he began his work, he pulled out his Crosslink from his pocket, and began to look over all the circuits in the building. To his pleasant surprise, which was concealed by his hat, everything was on the same circuit, meaning that he could wire lightswitches to doors, handscanners to lights, and guns to CCTV cameras. This also meant that it would be the easiest job he'd done for a while, despite the fact that he was being paid in an imaginary device that would let him be a Dimension Hopper.

The sound of smooth jazz playing on a loop in his head, he crouched down, and readied his Bullfrog Hyper-Trousers. Then, he checked the windows he could smash through. There was a top one, and a bottom one. Or, there was a front door, which was most likely the best choice. So, with the least effort and care for his personal safety, Richard released the energy pent up in the legs of his trousers and soared high into the air, before landing on his face a few metres away from the door, and where he was stood originally. Much classier than walking, that was for certain. Richard picked himself up, dusted himself off quickly, and stood by the doorway. Inside, he could hear footsteps patrolling the lobby, and they were rather heavy-set, which meant it would likely be an Enforcer.

Enforcers can't be knocked down, which meant jumping at the guard quickly and hoping that his trigger finger wasn't faster would be unavailable. But, since everybody else in the building didn't seem to hear a loud smash when he booted down doors, he checked his Crosslink to see if he wouldn't have to waste time hiding the (hopefully) unconcious man and the dislodged door. Thankfully, he wouldn't need to spend time doing that, because there were a few things about this room that could help him. First, there was a motion sensor that the guard passed through at least once a minute. That was linked to nothing, but a bit of Crosslinking by Conway meant it would turn off the lights, and open the front door. Next, there was a lightswitch with a power outlet right beneath it. So, his best and most obvious choice there was to link the switch to the outlet, so when it was pressed, whoever pressed it would be electrocuted to the floor and given the 'shock' of their life. Conway didn't really bother with talking to himself, or laughing on the job, or anything of the sort, so to a passer-by, he would look like a man in a trenchcoat and hat texting his wife.

But, here's the trick: he wasn't a man texting his wife. Bam. Classic international super-spy tactic.

So, when Richard was done, he put his 'phone' away and waited. Sure enough, the door clicked open. Moments later, there was a grunt of pain from inside. Hands in his pocket, Conway shuffled inside. The wooden walls and obvious style implementation of a rack of guns on a wall seemed to be the Rooke Firearms choice of decors, and Conway didn't question it. The only thing out of place was a man on the floor, who was sleeping, and not, say, unconcious due to the administration of a few thousand volts into the leg of his trousers. Conway simply stood over the man and stared at nothing in particular, with his hands in his coat pockets. Just then, to his surprise, his phone buzzed.

His phone never buzzed, unless it was Melanie or a client. The client was usually Melanie. Pulling the small device out, he checked it with some curiosity.

Unknown Caller

Identity Encrypted

He stared blankly at it. Then, blank expression not leaving his face, he answered.

"Hello."

"Mr Conway?" a female voice on the other end asked.

"How do you know my name?" he asked.

"You put it on your blog. But that's irrelevant. I have a job for you, that may determine the fate of an entire kingdom. Are you interested?"

"Well, all I had planned for this evening was not getting killed, then going home and watching a marathon of Terminator, so I haven't got anything better to do. Plus, I'm already doing a job for a friend that will supposedly earn me Dimension Hopping powers, so I guess a job of saving a magical kingdom won't be the weirdest thing I've done for a while." The voice on the other end chuckled.

"As it turns out, I already know about that device, and that you'll be the one receiving it, so that's why I called you. I also know that you'll most likely fall asleep whilst watching Terminator Salvation. Don't worry, I don't really like that film either. But whatever. I require your help in 'sorting out' a monarch. He's gotten too big for his ho-erm, boots, and I think we need a good old fashioned scandal to sort him out. From what I can tell, you seem to be good at this sort of thing. Once you have the device in your possession, call me again, and I'll tell you how it's operated."

"Got it."

Then, the other person disconnected, because that's how it normally happens. Richard put the phone away, put his hand in his other pocket, and pulled out his Crosslink. He had some work to do before Melanie paid him, and he could hear that woman's ridiculously sexy voice again.

"Do you have it?"

"Yep."

"Well, you certainly haven't lost any skill. Swap bags with the man on the bench at 24th street. Your payment is in there."

"Alright, thanks. This device isn't a joke to get free services from me?"

"Nope. I'm not that cheap. Plus, even if it was, I wouldn't be able to sit in my office without the window being smashed open and you coming barreling in."

"Hmm. Well, OK. I suppose that makes sense. Thanks, Rooke."

"Indeed."

Rooke has disconnected.

"Well, I have the...thingy." Richard sighed down the phone, staring inquisitively at the small watch-like device around his wrist. It had two small tesla-coil like rods protruding from the top, and the main watch face was dominated by a small keypad. Above, there was a small screen, presumably for seeing what you've typed. "What do I do now?"

"OK, good." replied the ludicrously attractive voice. "You can probably see a small keypad. You'll want to enter the following 100 digit number..." Richard sighed, and prepared himself for typing in all 100 digits.

"...that should be it." the woman sighed. "You're ready to go. A few things you should remember though; one, the guards don't know you're here, so try to keep hidden. Two, most of the circuitry in the castle runs on 4 different lines, so you'll want to set up a few Wirejacks on those. Three, don't panic when you see me. We clear?"

"So I do what I normally do?" Conway asked. "Ooh, sounds difficult."

"Whatever. Now: press the button on the side to start your wonderful adventure." Conway nodded, hung up, and hovered his hand over the button. He paused, and looked around his apartment. It was possibly the last time he'd see the place. DVDs littered the desk, his laptop was lying broken on the couch from when he'd dropped it the other day, and the window had been replaced from his first test of the Bullfrog Hyper-Trousers. He smiled slightly, but then remembered that he had something more fun to do. Pressing the button, the Tesla-rods on the side of the device began to crackle with energy, and he felt a sharp jolt of something inbetween pleasure and being thrown out of a seven story window. He was used to the latter, so basically it felt like pleasure. For about 3 seconds.

Then, his entire world went black, and the last thing he remembered seeing was the wooden roof of his apartment changing to a red roof of velvet.

Conway awoke in a dark place. He had no idea where he was, but all he knew was that he was pretty much alone.

"Oh." he said loudly, standing up and dusting himself off. "Shit." He gazed about with his hands in his pockets. There was nothing about him, except what seemed to be a small formation of stars flowing in the darkness. "Ah. Stars. I'm in space now. Great: this'll totally make sense on my gravestone. 'Here lies Richard Conway; Hat Fancier, Freelance Spy, and Space Adventurer'."

"Actually," a voice replied suddenly, from the direction of the stars, "You're not in space. But, you'll have your own soon." Out of the shadows, much to Richard's confusion, stepped (or trotted) a blue horse, with a unicorn horn and Pegasus wings. It had a small crown, little collar, and it had a mane that flowed freely in a wind that he couldn't feel. He stared blankly at this new thing.

"...what." he asked finally. "You're a horse."

"No, I'm a pony. There's a difference." snorted the pony, rolling her eyes, and approaching further. Conway simply backed away, ecouraging the pony to smirk. "Are you genuinely scared of me? I'm your size, I'm furry, and by my country's standards, adorable. How can you be so terrified?" Instead of replying, he fell over backwards, and shuffled away even more.

Suddenly, he hit an invisible wall, and was forced to cower from this new creature.

"...meeehhh...?" he whimpered, lowering his hat over his eyes.

"Would you feel safer if I introduced myself?" asked the pony, before reaching out a hoof. Conway instinctively reeled back. "Princess Luna, Co-Ruler of Equestria, sister of your client." At the word 'client', Conway immediately serioused up. He stood up, dusted himself off, and shook the hoof firmly, with his other hand in his pocket.

"Richard Conway, Hat Fancier, Window Smasher, Freelance Spy." he said calmly. "And absolutely not terrified about the fact that I'm working for some adorable ponies." Luna smiled at him and removed her hoof from his grasp.

"Well, thank you."

"For what?"

"For already agreeing that I'm adorable. I take that as a compliment."

"I take that as a good thing."

"It is. Now, at the moment, you're unconcious, but you're in my sister's chambers, on her bed. She told me to greet you, and ask you a question: Pony or no?" Conway thought about the question. What was she implying? He decided to ask her.

"What are you implying?" he asked. Luna smirked, and her horn ignited. Conway looked confused, before suddenly being tugged to the floor. Restrained, he was HIGHLY concerned about what she was planning, and the grin she had on, and desperately began to struggle against the bindings. Instead of bothering to tell him to 'stop struggling', Luna decided to use some kind of magic. The kind of magic that apparently made Conway furry, small, and a pony. He didn't even feel the process; he was just a pony. No tingling, burning, or pain: just pony. He stood up, dusted himself off, but couldn't put his hooves in his pockets.

"What the hell...?" he muttered, staring himself over. He still had his ever-beloved trench coat, his amazing hat, the Gatecrahers, and his hyper-trousers. Inside his coat, he could feel something was now a different shape. He already guessed that his Resolver handgun, Crosslinker, and Wirejack were now also ponified. It was incredible! Smirking, and pulling his hat down, he could feel that he had a horn, and that he saw that his fur was brown. "Huh." he murmured, staring at his hoof. "Well...erm...I'd have to get used to this, Princess." He looked up at the blue alicorn, and noticed that she seemed to be drooling. At him. "Are you alright? Princess? Hello? Am I gonna have to Gatecrash you?"

Luna was giving a half-lidded look at the confused stallion, smiling slightly, almost seductively, before she shook her head. "...I...oh...what? Sorry, I...blanked?" She stuttered, blushing. "Well, um, ok, yes. Erm, if you want to fit in here, you'll need a new name. Usually, Equestrian names are related to what a pony does. For instance, I raise the moon, so I'm called Luna. My sister raises the sun, so she's called Celestia. The Captain of the guard is called Shining Armor, and so forth. For you, probably something 'Spy-ish'." Conway thought for a moment. Then, finally, he smirked at his idea.

"What about..." he said, smirking, "...Cross-Linker."

Author's Note

So, if you haven't played Gunpoint, this won't make any fucking sense.

Doors

"...Mr Linker...?"

As far as Richard was concerned, t'was all a dream. But his bed seemed much more comfortable now, so he had probably been having a weird dream that lasted so long even his play-doh lump of a bed seemed comfy. He grunted, and rolled over slightly.

"...Mr Linker, wake up."

Richard simply grunted again, and rolled further onto his belly. Then, he felt the edge of the bed, and didn't really care about the impact on the floor. After a few weeks, months even, of being thrown out of skyscrapers by men who looked identical to him except with different coat, hyper-trouser, hat, and hair colours, all whilst being punched repeatedly in the face, a short tumble from a concrete slab of a sleeping arrangement onto some wood literally felt like falling onto a giant pillow.

"Must I really throw you from a window?"

"...Mmmrrrff..." he muttered in reply, eyes still closed and waving an arm about behind him idly. "...I dun' fuggin care..." The remotely familiar female voice sighed in what seemed like amusement, and he suddenly heard a strange tinkling noise, followed by a sheet of warmth around his body. Plus, the floor went away from him, so either he was flying, or the floor had disappeared. Opening his eye a crack, he discovered it was the former; the carpeted ground was moving away from him in a slow manner, and all attempts to get back to ground failed immediately. Richard let out a loud yell and began to flail his-

...wait...?

Slowly, he noticed his arms and hands. They were brown, furry, and flat-ended...hooves? He stared at this for a moment, before deciding to look at the rest of his new body when he got back on ground. When. Suddenly, the mystery woman's voice came again, but more clear in tone now he was more awake

"Are you quite finished, Mr Conway?" she asked. He looked around for the source of the voice, all whilst taking in the place he was in that definitely wasn't his room, or a Rooke Firearms building, or Intex building, or outside in the street at night while it rained. This new place looked like a bedchamber of some sort, the kind fit for a monarch. It was quite well lit by a fire, but slightly dark at the same time. A large window with drawn curtains was on one side of the room, and just to the left of said window was a fireplace that reached up to the rather tall roof. He was mostly just interested in the window, though; the other stuff couldn't be jumped through for a quick exit to the ground floor where he could run out with all this woman's expensive and important corporate secrets he would sell to the highest bidder, who would buy them because Conway is a small adorable talking horse with a hat, coat, and revolver.

Next, he looked to the source of the voice. "No, not really." he replied calmly. "I'm a horse at the moment, I'm in a woman's bedroom-"

"Actually, the correct term to use in Equestria is mare." replied the voice. Blinking, Conway looked to the source as he was dropped sharply on the ground. The source of the silky voice was not, as he expected, a woman. She was, in fact, a white, tall unipegacorn with wings and a horn. She had a long, pink, green, and blue mane that freely flowed in a wind he couldn't feel, magenta eyes with a warm glow behind them, a warm smile, and his new pony mind was saying she was actually...attractive? "Hello." Conway said calmly as she leaned over him as he lay on his back facing her upside-down.

"Good evening, Mr Conway." smirked the horse, before igniting her horn and helping him to his fe-erm, hooves. After a quick hoof shake, she continued. "My name is Princess Celestia. I know you're a man who likes to know things, so I'll get right to it. If you were blissfully unaware whilst you were drooling on my carpet in your stupor, I explained to you that I own several corporations across multiple dimensions, with a different guise in each. I tend to stay for longer in one dimension when problems arise." Conway cleared his throat.

"Erm...well...uh, ma'am..." Conway began, trying not to look her in the eyes. "...You have a familiar voice." Celestia nodded, and ignited her horn with a golden glow once more. From behind her in an unseen place, she pulled out a small mobile phone. After pressing a few buttons, something in Conway's pocket began vibrating in pulses. His eyes went wide, and slowly he reached in a hoof to check his phone.

Rooke

Answer---Decline

He tapped the Answer button with an audible clik as his hoof struck the screen. He placed the device to his ear, which was drooped below his hat brow. "Hello?" As his friend spoke, so did the mare in front of him, and she was smiling at his confusion.

"Conway, it's Rooke. I need your help to break into Intex and shove Gessler's entire corporation up his ass." Conway was beyond words. His snout hung open and he stared at her blankly.

"...you're Melanie?" he whispered. The Princess chuckled, and stood to her side, shaking her rump.

"You like what you see?" she said in an almost sultry tone. Conway couldn't help but stare at her shaking. He raised a hoof, and promptly slapped himself in the face.

"Yes." he said firmly. "Wait, no. Maybe. Somewhere in between. Erm. Yes. Way too much." Celestia stopped shaking and frowned.

"You're still staring." she sighed. Conway slapped himself again. "Hmmph. Anyway, as I was saying, I have multiple guises. While I was busy as Rooke, a few...issues arose with a Duke back here. He's decided that, since I've ruled this country for more than 1000 years, that he should dare to PLOT against my sister and I. Oh, you did meet my sister, didn't you?"

Conway thought for a moment and paced a short distance, before remembering suddenly. "She's blue?"

"Yes."

"Younger than you?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely adorable?"

"Yes."

"Acts in a slightly creepy manner around males?"

"Yes, you've met her. As I was saying, I have called you here to do what you do best."

"Steal Intel?" Conway asked, smirking behind his hat.

"No: Sabotage." Celestia grinned. Just before Conway could ask, there was a loud banging on the door.

"Princess!" boomed a deep male voice. "I can hear another voice! I'm coming in!" Conway took up a stance that felt natural in his new body, and evidently, the Hyper-Trousers accepted that as an opening for a jump. They clicked in sequence like winding up a small wind-up toy too far. Celestia stepped back quickly, and the fireplace spontaneously extinguished with a burst of golden light from her horn. The only light in the room was blue, and shining from Conway's Hyper-Trousers. The door began to slowly move open, and Conway got his first sighting of the Guards here.

A white stallion wearing golden armour, roughly his size, was stood in the doorway looking around the room. Conway narrowed his eyes as the door closed, removing all light. From what Conway had learned from his experiences with these guard types back on Earth, he assumed this was just a regular trooper. So, presumably, a single punch would knock him out.

"Your Majesty?" the stallion called out, drawing what looked like some kind of pistol designed to be used by hoof. Celestia simply remained hidden behind a curtain. "Do we require additional guards?"

Pssh.

Conway launched himself at the stallion, throwing him to the floor immediately and knocking his pistol from his hoof. To his surprise, the guard rolled Conway onto the bottom and began taking punches onto him instead. So as not to be embarassed in front of his client, he also punched back. Not as hard, but much faster. For every whap the guard landed, Conway landed whapwhapwhapwhapwhapwhap on his face. Buy with the rate his eyes were dimming, the guard's punches were extremely powerful. Finally, he decided to end this fight in style.

Conway kneed the guard's stomach so he jumped up slightly, before placing his rear legs under the stallion's gut. The Hyper-Trousers clicked, just as the guard was launched towards the roof. Then, as soon as he was in the air, Conway flipped onto the top of the stallion, and Hyper-Trousered him to the floor at maximum speed. There was an audible 'whump' as he smacked into the carpet. He'll live, Conway thought as he landed on top of Celestia. The mare grunted loudly as she was forced to the floor. Conway, meanwhile, did as he did; he stood up, dusted himself off, and stood on his hind legs just so he could put his hooves in his pockets.

"Did you, ngh, really have to land, nff, on...me?" Celestia grunted as she picked herself up. She looked at him and frowned. He was just staring out the window as rain gently tapped on the glass. "Conway?"

Conway could see another tower in the castle. On the balcony stood Princess Luna, staring back at him with a smirk as her mane, tail, and fur got soaked. Finally, she turned and went back into the tower, flicking her ghostly tail from side to side.

"Stop staring at my sister." Celestia said firmly. "Maybe if you do repeated jobs for her, she might invite you to dinner, or to her chambers. But at the moment, you should focus on hiding Corporal Plate's unconcious form, and taking a seat."

"Why?" Conway asked. "Just send me texts and I can do the jobs like I did back home. You know, for other people as well, rather than acting like your personal bitch?"

"Conway, this isn't just any old Corporate boss you're dealing with: It's Duke Blueblood. He's well known for training his soldiers daily, and they'll all be Professionals. One wrong move, you'll be dead in an instant. They hear you, they see you, you're dead right there and then. You'll...need to work with somepony."

"Who?" Conway shot quickly. Celestia closed her eyes and looked to a door.

"You can come out now."

Out of the door came somebody Conway wished he'd never have to see again.

Motion

Conway stared in shock at the stallion that had just exited Celestia's en suite. He was wearing pretty much the exact same set of clothing as Conway, but in a darker tone of grey than Conway's hat. His trenchcoat, for instance, looked to be made of leather, and he had a black, wide-brimmed fedora. And instead of having the coat done up, he had it wide open, revealing a formal shirt underneath. The thing that was catching Conway's eye about the shirt and jacket was the small piece of patchwork on both in roughly the same place, so it wasn't too difficult to remember who this grey, brown-maned stallion was. Both simply stood in the room, slowly returning to light as Celestia re-kindled the fireplace and dragging Corporal Plate to the wardrobe. Neither was making any noticeable reaction to the other, and Celestia's chambers remained quiet as they watched each other. Finally, to break the silence, Conway spoke.

"Evening." he greeted calmly.

"Certainly is." replied Hightower. "How's the back?"

"Good enough. And your chest?"

"Healed up. Jacket's buggered, though."

"Sorry, then. Bear in mind you threw me out of a seven story building the moment I left a stairwell, and I have reason to question the logic behind forcing us to work together."

"Bear in mind that my employer was stood on the other side of the door and watching through a CCTV camera, and I have reason to question the same as you, plus why Princess Celestia decided to summon us both here." Both Freelancers stared at each other for another few moments, the rain pattering on the window slowly becoming more noticeable, as well as the sound of smooth jazz coming from an unknown source. Conway turned and looked at Celestia, who was fiddling with a record player using magic.

"And that explains the smooth jazz," remarked Conway. "When are we going to get to business?" Celestia rolled her eyes, and trotted over to the two of them.

"To begin, I suppose it would make sense to explain why I need you two in specific." she said calmly, turning to the mirror. Putting her horn aglow, in a feat that Conway was well aware of as magic, and caused the mirror to swirl gently as though it were a liquid. Through the ripples, however, an image became visible; a white stallion with blonde hair and a bow tie. He was walking (or as Conway would never get used to using the word, 'trotting') down a long, marble hallway. On both sides of the long hall, large doors loomed high, guarded by stallions sparsely populating the hall. Then, the white stallion halted next to a plant pot. Looking both way, his horn began to glow blue, and a plantpot raised up, revealing an elevator-like shaft beneath. Being sure he wasn't being watched, (which was made pointless since Celestia was able to stalk him like this) he clambered down, and the pot slid down on top. Then the mirror returned to normal. Hightower and Conway stared at this for a few moments more.

"Why were you stalking him in the first place?" Conway asked. Celestia facehoofed.

"Business." she snapped. "Anyway, that was the last time we saw Prince Blueblood, and it was about 2 days ago from this point. We, we being my sister and I, have reason to believe that he has been plotting against us. He has not returned any phone calls, and his credit card activity has gone dry."

"He's gone off the grid." Hightower said calmly. "What do you want us to do?" Conway leaned over and nudged him. In his other hoof was the Resolver that was in his coat.

"Eh, 6 bullets in this magazine?" he suggested. Hightower chuckled, and pulled out a rather nice looking Ocean Hawk, complete with suppressor. It, like anything else that was with them when they went to this magical happy land, was modified to work with a hoof.

"8 armour piercing rounds." smirked Conway's counterpart. However, before they could get into a dick-measuring contest over whose weapon was better, both were snatched away in a golden light, floating next to Celestia. She did not look impressed.

"No, I don't want him killed." she said sternly. After a pause, she spoke again. "Well, not obviously. Maybe he could just 'disappear'. Anyway, my idea is for you to do what you do best."

"Kill people." Hightower said 'excitedly', which consisted of him not changing his facial expression.

"Deleting System 32." Conway said 'excitedly', which was pretty much the same thing as his counterpart.

"Even better." Celestia grinned. "Hacking."

"...so, the invisibility spell will wear off in about twenty minutes from the moment you leave this room." Celestia finished, as her horn returned to normal and Conway and Hightower returned to normal. "It's the best I can do without alerting the whole castle to your presence."

"Surely you could make it last longer?" Conway asked. "You move the sun, for Christ's sake. Just make it an 'on-off' kind of thing." Celestia shot him a glare, that said 'bear in mind your limit is 12 stories high'.

"I can't just change magic. It's physically impossible without writing a new spell, and doing that is time-consuming and a bit cheap to use." she explained. "But what you need to do is set up any equipment you need, and then get out of the castle. I have a stallion waiting at the bench on 24th street, and he has the keys and information about your accomodation for the next while. Unfortunately, it's in Ponyville." Conway cocked his head.

"What, is it like the pony equivalent of Detroit or something?" Celestia shot him the 'how many floors is your limit' look, in completely the wrong direction. He was to her right, but he was just going to play along with it. "You make it out to be a bad place." he continued.

"The city you lived in was a bad place." Celestia replied. "Your flat was a bad place. Intex's office that you so fondly remember the concrete outside of was a bad place. Ponyville is a nice place, where everybody strives to make friends."

"Already hate it." Hightower muttered.

"I already hate you." she shot back, looking at Conway. "Anyway, you'll be staying in a holiday home near the centre of the town, and it's not too far from one of the main tourist attractions; The Elements of Harmony."

"Is that a science town?" Conway asked. Celestia didn't respond. "Y'know, Elements? Of, elements, y'know, like, of the sciencey-material variety, ah, screw it, you don't get it."

"No, Richard, I do get it. You just don't look very cool explaining it." she sighed. Just then, a phone levitated in front of her after being removed from the jacket, its holder invisible. "Wait, what are you doing?" she asked frustratedly.

"Changing your name." Conway replied calmly. "Rooke...delete the name...C-E-L-L-Y. Celly. There, sorted." Celestia facehoofed in response as the phone slipped into Conway's jacket again.

"Just get going. Set up your Wirejacks in the maintenance room, then get to 24th street to get the keys. You'll want to use the train tickets to get down to Ponyville, and then go to the specified address. Kitchen is already being stocked by my pupil, just be sure to thank her. She's quite the character." Finally, Celestia stepped to the side. "Off you go." Both men looked in what they assumed was each others general direction. The distinctive sound of hissing was heard, and Celestia could only hope they weren't discovered as they left.

For society's sake.

"I've set up a Wirejack for the lights and doors, plus the alarms. You?"

"Any weapons in the building and most security equipment. Did she say why we can't be on the same circuits?"

"Nope, she complained about me being so brash. Me? Richard Conway? Brash? I think not."

"If you could say that falling out of windows and punching the same guy 596 times isn't brash, then I agree."

"What? I just really don't like Gessler."

"Oh my God, you're SO obnoxious. Christ. Anyway, we've got about 5 minutes of invisibility left. If we use it to get out of here, then nobody will care if we're wandering about the streets looking for, ah, 23rd street, was it?"

"24th. And the politically correct term is 'everypony."

"For God's sake, Conway, I don't give a damn. Now how're we getting out?"

"Oh look, a window."

"Conway, no. No...no, for GOD'S SAKE, DO-Aww, Jesus, you did it anyway."

"Yes. God, I've not done that in a while. And my hat isn't even damaged. This hat, is just...wow."

"Conway, you've pretty much killed us both."

"No, if anything, I saved us, for your information. If we did it your way, we'd have spent 4 minutes finding the exit, and then one minute galloping along to make sure we got out before our invisibility ran out. Plus, I used the Hushcracker. If anybody heard that, they were the window itself."

"Just...wow. Let's get out, before you decide to shoot somebody."

"You'd be the one to do that, with your '8 round armour piercing' thing."

"Shut up."

"No, U."

By the time they had reached Ponyville, the night-time had intensified. Their 'holiday house', as it was called, was only a few blocks away from the Train Station, and the walking was negated by leaping from roof to roof, wall to wall, and top of building to flat on face. During the ride, Conway had been busy trying to lift his phone using magic, but had only lifted it a few inches. Still, progress. He didn't feel as though it would be an easy feat to teleport things, like Celly had done between dimensions with Hightower and himself, but levitation was cool enough in itself. He hadn't, however, noticed Hightower leave the carriage when he claimed to be going to the toilet (a recent addition since a certain pink customer found it an irritation), and going to the generator up front that was powering the train. Effectively, that gave Hightower the power to move a train using his phone, and that was pretty cool in itself. Both were out to outdo the other, and at the moment, nobody was winning, because nothing 'outdo' worthy had been done.

Finally, after what seemed like several self-broken-nose repairs, they had made it to their home. It was, to be honest, quite boring. A small garden, moderately large, and was made of tired old wood and hay, and the lights were out. The instructions had mentioned to 'switch on the power when inside' before anything else, and that only added to the depressing nature of the building. "Needs more bacon." Conway deduced brilliantly, hopping over the fence, picking himself up, dusting himself off, and then being followed by Hightower, who followed him expertly. Hightower was about to put the key in, when Conway raised a hoof to halt him. Lighting his horn with a crackling blue light, abeit very dim and jolting, he began to levitate the key to the lock. Slipping it in, both men were in a constant state of 'yeah, yeah, YEAH, COME ON' as he got it in the lock. Then, turning it, the door clicked open, and they both erupted into cheers.

But very quiet ones.

As he got inside, Conway was almost tempted to remove his hat and coat. Again, almost. As he switched on the power, attached a Wirejack to it from his infinite supply of the things, he was greeted by a blinding flash of light all of a sudden.

"SURPRISE!" yelled lots of ponies from around the room. The last time he was in a situation as surprising as this he was falling from 7 stories as his current companion threw him to the floor and began punching him, to which Conway responded by shooting him in the gut. Anyway he didn't like parties. How his mind wandered. He had no time to frown, as a pink blur jumped in front of his vision.

"Hi!" announced a cheerful voice. Looking at who it was, he saw a pink mare, with a curly pink mane and a bunch of balloons on her butt. She also had an abnormally large grin. "I'm Pinkie Pie, party-planner extraordinaire, and I threw this HUGE party just for you and your friend! Isn't it GREAT?!" While first tempted to say no, Conway had a strange and depressing vision of this mare looking very sadly at him and regretted his idea.

"Yeah...it is..." Conway sighed. "Look, I'm here to stay for abou-" Before he could finish explaining why he was here in a way that didn't imply he was a spy, she had bounced away to go piss off Hightower. Only one thought crossed Conway's mind as he moved into the crowds to meet new people.

'God, I could use some Ketamine and Columbo right now.'