When one makes very few mistakes, it becomes increasingly difficult to identify what is truly an error, and what is… let’s call it ‘delayed genius.’ The trouble is that today’s conversation with Fluttershy may unfortunately fall into the former category. While suffering through a positively delightful walk through the forest, I decided to indulge Fluttershy with some chit-chat. Small talk isn’t really my thing, but anything to get that pegasus to stop yammering on about the complexities of the impending hibernation season. Naturally, I turned the conversation to the most interesting thing I could think of: me.
Usually, this is a grand idea. I mean, I’m the one topic that never grows old! I’ll bet Celestia wishes she could say the same. I think her liver spots have liver spots by now. But, here’s where I may have stepped in it: I was recounting the time of my stony imprisonment to Fluttershy after her friends’ regrettable use of the Elements of Harmony, and I let slip that I’d kept a mental diary to keep from going mad from boredom. I mean, I whole-heartedly endorse going mad, but it should really be for the right reasons. Losing one’s marbles is like a fine wine, with infinite layers of complexities. The distillation process matters. Going crazy from boredom is just… well… boring!
Back to the point. Before I could even wince properly, Fluttershy started going on about “what an interesting read that would be” and “could I possibly put it down on paper if I don’t mind, but please don’t trouble myself if I don’t want to”, all accompanied by pleading puppy-dog eyes roughly the size of dinner plates. Oh, if only it were just some other pony…
Quite honestly (which, frankly, was a shock to me), I told her that I remember very little of the actual contents of that diary. I mean, who cares anyway? Do we really need to remember Day 27 – Ponies in Ponyville are still insipid weaklings. Would throw up if at all possible anyway? That was the flavor of the thing, if my memory serves.
But, after an afternoon of cajoling, and a bribe of freshly baked cookies, I’ve agreed to lay my thoughts down in a new diary. Fluttershy seems to think it will help me work through my remaining “issues.” Personally, I don’t see any issues to work through, besides chronic bouts of sighing. It always seems that just as I’m on the edge of having some real fun again, Fluttershy arrives with that look on her face that makes me feel like a cake left out in the rain. How did it come to this?
So, we agreed. I will write this wretched thing out, by hand, using none of my usual shenanigans. Fluttershy insists that animating pencils and paper and leaving them to their own devices is against the spirit of the project. Finally, just to get her to shut up, I’ve agreed to do this on the condition that she keeps her adorable nose out of it. I can’t believe I’ve let her talk me into this. It’s been five minutes now, and I’m climbing the walls. Time to wrap this up.
~~~
Twilight Sparkle dropped by today on the incredibly obvious pretense of returning a book on animal behavior. Once a week or so, she ‘drops by’ on some sort of trumped-up chore, watching me out of the sides of her eyes. While I don’t care for the scrutiny, I will say that her visits allow me to flex my muscles a little. Today’s game was to… ever… so… slowly… move her bangs into her eyes. As she would brush them away, I would begin again. It’s things like this that make my time with these ponies bearable. Just enough chaos to make Twilight suspicious, but with not enough proof for her to actually complain. It’s hard to keep a straight face in that delicious moment when she puts two and two together. Those few seconds of hesitation. The suspicious glance. These are what I live for now.
Oh, Twilight. The fun we could have if everypony would just be reasonable about my unreasonable behavior! Everypony. Now I’m saying it! Blech. Twilight remains a coiled spring, waiting for release. She’s so tightly wound that one merely needs to give her a tap, and she explodes in the most amusing fashion. It almost makes me pine for her next convenient drop-in visit. Almost. If they didn’t come with the ham-hoofed remarks about how much Celestia and dear, wee Luna just love coming to Ponyville on a moment’s notice, I might actually invite our dear unicorn friend over myself. Now that I’m thinking about it, why is Luna so little? Celestia probably took all the meatiest worms when they were in the nest together.
~~~
If there is one thing that is completely insufferable about bunking here at Fluttershy’s cottage, it’s all the ‘quality’ time I spend with Angel Bunny, a.k.a Rabbittila the Bun. As Applejack so eloquently puts it, “that ornery critter’s always havin’ a bad hare day!” Such a character, that Applejack. So full of colloquial charm that one can almost forgive her rather, ah, earthy smell. Angel, on the other hand, has all the charm of a wet blanket and half the courage. Oh, we had some fun at first, but then he went crying to Fluttershy. Turning rabbits into rats is simplicity itself, but this is the first time I’ve done it without magic. Now, if I so much as glance his way, Fluttershy gives me her special, extra-strength look of reproach. But that doesn’t stop him from attacking me! Oh, no, certainly not! Like a coward, he waits until I’m sleeping to “accidentally” drop things on my head or leave something foul in my slippers. I should be the only one around here putting air quotes around “accidentally!” Mark my words, that rabbit will pay. Well, I guess I am marking my words, so that’s one thing done for the day.
~~~
Fluttershy and I had a genuinely interesting discussion today regarding nature versus nurture. “Interesting” because I think she might be coming over to my side a bit. Oh, it will be quite a while before she embraces true chaos, but it’s a start nonetheless. Under the terms and conditions of my release, targeting ponies with my chaos magic is a no-no, so my ability to provide examples has been somewhat blunted. Of course, they’d have to catch me at it, first. Collectively, Ponyville has observational powers on par with a mole suffering from severe hay fever, so I’m not exactly out of options. However, it’s an inconvenience. They’ll see the light eventually, though, and they’ll probably be falling all over themselves thanking me. Under the current regime, these ponies have become so stodgy that a half-baked and off-key impromptu musical number from Pinkie Pie is enough to amaze them! That’s a cry for help, ponies!
The discussion started as so many seem to these days: I had a “slip up.” I still don’t think I was in the wrong here. The day was so boring that I felt a teeny, tiny bit of chaos would liven up the afternoon. Just a smidge, you know, but Fluttershy didn’t seem to find the twenty-foot chickens to be quite the delight that I did.
It’s so difficult sometimes! One day you’re multiplying yourself to play all the roles in a favorite play simultaneously, and the room applauds with gusto. The next, you’re blowing up chickens to send on just a minor rampage, and the yelling begins! I just don’t see the distinction between the two. I’ve spoken to these ponies about their mixed signals on several occasions, but it’s like talking to a wall. A wall that only cares about hugs and rainbows. It’s not like I’m not trying! They could at least meet me halfway. Do they really want a world where we can’t at least have one giant, rampaging chicken? How can they believe in something so crazy and so mind-numbingly boring at the same time?
Anyway, I was explaining to Fluttershy that she wouldn’t cage a bird that needs to fly, so why am I cooped up in this stuffy old cottage and told to play nice? If that’s the way it’s going to be, then why release me in the first place? I’m a creature of chaos and entropy! Why am I not allowed to fly? Does my happiness not matter? Are we all okay that I’m to be used as some sort of weapon, unleashed at Celestia’s whim, only to be shackled once the greater danger has passed?
Well, that rocked Fluttershy back on her hooves a bit, as I knew it would. Ah, my dear Fluttershy! So tender-hearted. So naïve. But, then she surprised me. She admitted that she didn’t think I’ve been treated fairly, but then went on to wax philosophical regarding the needs of the greater society, and my integration into that whole. Or as she put it, “All the bees have to work together to make the honey.” I’m sorry to say that I was quite flummoxed by all of this. Self-repression to co-exist within a social framework? That’s just… ludicrous! Is that what these ponies have been doing all this time? Here I’d been assuming they were just a bunch of uncreative clods! Are they really just suppressing their own desires to live harmoniously in a shared society? A society where one must think not only of themselves, but of others? Perhaps thinking of the others first?! I mean, Celestia’s told me that more times than I can count, but I always assumed that she was trying to pull off some bizarre mind-game. Who would do that?! The whole idea of it makes me queasy. These ponies are worse off than I’d ever imagined!
My head was beginning to ache at this point, so I begged off the rest of the conversation to take a nap. Fluttershy insisted on tucking me in, and right before leaving, she stopped and gave me a long, scrutinizing stare. It went on so long that I was beginning to wonder if she’d noticed that I’d eaten all the cookies again. Finally, she sighed and said that she understood that every living thing has to be true to their nature to thrive. Then, she left; I stared at the ceiling for a long while before drifting off to sleep.
~~~
Have you ever tried to fit a mouse with a tiny cast? It is truly insufferable work. Mice are demanding little pests, and Fluttershy is not appreciative when you simply remove their mouths. I tried to explain that this was the path of least resistance, but a certain huffy pegasus made me restore the snouts, whiskers and all. We certainly got an earful after that! I believe I even caught Fluttershy glancing repeatedly at the snouts as she worked, with what I like to believe was nostalgia. It wasn’t too long before she just gave him a piece of cheese to shut him up. Same effect. Far less fun. One thing that did strike me as remarkable about the whole affair: How does a pony manage to do such delicate work with those hooves? It really is a wonder.
~~~
Today, Fluttershy woke me up and said that she had a surprise planned. I ask, has a crueler phrase ever been uttered? I burned with curiosity, but as unlikely as it seems, that pegasus has an iron will! I charmed. I pouted. I wheedled, but she just kept smiling gently and telling me that I would just have to wait until the afternoon when her chores were done. Or, I could speed things along by helping her clean out the chicken coops. And these ponies believe she’s the kind one…
This is why I find life amongst ponies to be tiresome. With but a flick of my eyelid, I could turn all of her thoughts into bubbles that would float from her ears, popping into iridescent visions of every secret that she has ever held. But, now I’m told that this is “rude” and “unacceptable behavior.” Why do we always have to do it the hard way? I don’t understand how these ponies get anything done. It’s always the longest route possible with them!
Eventually, after what Fluttershy assured was a couple of hours (I swear it was several weeks) of scooping, as she affectionately calls it, “chicken dirt,” I was marched outside, hither and yon, through the large meadow outside Ponyville. We finally stopped at what may be the winner of Ponyville’s Most Drab Scenery award: the old quarry.
Then we just stood there. Looking at the quarry. For an uncomfortably long time. Just... staring at it.
Finally, I turned to my fine feathered friend with what was apparently an expression of comical confusion, because she just started howling! It’s rare that I see Fluttershy rolling around, laughing as though she were Pinkie Pie. She would get herself under control, and then look over at me, and start all over again. I’m finding that cracking up at other’s expense is really only cute when I do it.
We had several unnecessary bouts of this before Fluttershy finally calmed down. After being apologetic to the point of excess, she pointed to the quarry and told me that she thought it ought to be “livened up some.” Well, my heart leapt, but I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, so I asked if she meant what I was thinking she meant. Apparently, she went to Celestia and brokered a deal for me. I am to behave myself in town and the surrounding area, but this old quarry is mine to do with what I please. A gymnasium, of sorts, to keep my skills honed.
I didn’t really know what to say. No one has ever done something like that before. Well, I didn’t need them to before, but the point still stands. This often-times troublesomely rules-laden pegasus had actually done something, unasked and unexpected, on my behalf. Just because she thought I would like it.
These are confusing times. What does one make of that sort of thing? Is it to be disdained as a byproduct of a society that puts the limitations there in the first place? I wouldn’t need a personal playground if this obnoxious social structure wasn’t suffocatingly controlling. On the other hand, Fluttershy doesn’t make the rules, and did what she could to make me happy. I just don’t know what to think of that.
Fluttershy ended it all by wishing me a happy birthday. I had quite forgotten I’d told her it was today.
~~~
My battle with Angel Bunny continues. I find these limitations so taxing! With one snap of my fingers, that rabbit could be a mildly surprised blob of pudding traveling between here and the nearest star. Alas, Fluttershy inexplicably loves the wretched thing. Why a pony would want to cohabitate with a creature that does nothing but make life harder is beyond me. Anyway, while I chafe at the rules I’ve been shackled with, I do find that I’ve grown to enjoy the challenge of subtle revenge.
Today, it was raining, and poor, poor Angel Bunny had to… let’s just say he needed to take a trip outside. Oh, he expected Fluttershy to accompany him with that little umbrella she keeps for just such occasions, but I suggested that Fluttershy should grant him a little freedom and privacy. He’s growing up to be such a big, strong boy, after all. The look I received when she shooed him out on his own would be illegal in many parts of Equestria! In a related note, who knew the myriad hilarious applications a wave suppression field could have? Say, just for the sake of example, you were to intercept and counter sound waves. Perhaps those of a frantic young bunny pounding on the door while being drenched in the rain. I caught a few more of those delicious glares as he jumped desperately in front of the window, waving his little arms! It’s remarkable how Fluttershy would somehow find her attention drawn elsewhere just at the apex of his leaps.
When Peter Rottentail finally reached the boiling point, I took down the field and Fluttershy nearly jumped out of her skin. Angel stormed in, dripping water everywhere and screaming his fool head off. Then Fluttershy grounded him for acting inappropriately. Ah, sometimes it’s the small things in life.
~~~
This afternoon I had the dubious pleasure of Pinkie Pie’s company. She’d heard about my quarry playground from Fluttershy and insisted on inviting herself over. Now, I loathe time spent with most of these ponies, but at least Pinkie has potential. There is a pony who can drink in the fine wine of chaos. Well, she could if she wasn’t underage. What is she? Four? Five? Anyway, I’m not exactly partial to her… bounciness, but who among us is perfect? Take me, for example. Although it is perfectly understandable that most might see me as perfect, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not. Perfection requires a level of order that I’m not willing to invest in. Perfection suggests a level of predictability. I prefer to have shifting flaws. One day, I’ll develop a limp. The next, I work on my open-mouthed chewing. It keeps the ponies on their hooves.
So, we played a little game. Pinkie would suggest some new reality for the quarry, and I would make it so. Unfortunately, the trend here was generally along the lines of “make this boulder a huge muffin” or “turn all this gravel into pretty butterflies.” Still, it’s better than just walking through the quarry switching this or that randomly. While it’s much more fun to inflict new realities onto ponies, at least Pinkie introduced a bit of surprise. While mostly banal, occasionally she did leave me an opening for a bit of fun.
As to why she sneezes whenever she starts talking about sweets, well, I don’t know athing about it.
~~~
What’s the worst part about being in this stupid cottage? Introspection! When Fluttershy’s not here, I’m left alone to stare at the walls. Allow me to illustrate the dilemma. Earlier in the day, Fluttershy was going on and on about some trip to the Crystal Empire. Twilight and all the usual suspects have been asked to do some event planning, because Celestia and her cronies can’t even seem to handle that by themselves these days. These ponies and their insipid parties! Change locales all you want, my fine fillies! You’re still going to have the same boring “balloons with pin-the-tail-on-the-pony” festivities that are all you seem capable of.
Anyway, I’ve been left here, alone, with a “be good, and I’ll be back soon." As each second stretches on into infinity, my claws spasm with the most infuriating need to twist reality. It’s like a spot on your back that won’t quit itching. There’s just no relief until you simply give in. When Fluttershy is here, her near-constant murmuring draws my attention, but now… I’m not sure what I’ll do. The urges are growing stronger.
Look, I’m trying here. I really am. Fluttershy says that when I have negative feelings that I should sit quietly and focus on something positive. She says that if I listen to my heart, I will find the right path.
But sitting quietly is so excruciatingly boring, and the most unsettling things flit through my mind. Things like ‘what am I doing with my life’ and ‘where will I be going in the future.’ My gorge is rising just thinking about it. I just don’t understand any of this. Carelessly modifying reality brings me joy, and responsibly planning for the future twists my stomach into knots. Yet I’m told chaos is bad and order is good. I’m told that cruelty is to be avoided and friendship to all living things is to be embraced. If this is the case, then why does it fill me with hate? I’m told to embrace society, but I’m not seeing a lot of embracing headed my way. Well, Pinkie Pie hugged me, but she hugs everything. I even caught her trying to hug her own shadow at the quarry. That was an entertaining forty-five minutes!
So, here I sit, queasy and unsettled, and straining to hear the wingbeats of a certain yellow pegasus who can still the thoughts again. Maybe I should just teleport to the Crystal Empire…
Hmmm. Perhaps not. As much as I’d like to see Fluttershy, an afternoon with Twilight Sparkle will leave me just as nauseous.
~~~
It’s been many hours now and still no Fluttershy. On the plus side, no Angel either, though with his protector gone, I could have some real fun. This quiet and solitary time did allow me to think up a particularly fun little game for the Watership Clown when he hops on home! What would happen if a very sleepy clone just happened to pop into reality? A clone that was content to sleep in his widdle beddy-by all day long. Why, Fluttershy might not even miss the original for a while. He could be anywhere, enduring anything! And upon his return, wouldn’t it all seem like it had all been some sort of terrible nightmare when he runs screaming to Fluttershy? It’d be a real shame if that happened, wouldn’t it, Angel Bunny? Yes, a real shame.
~~~
Fluttershy and I took a trip into town today because she insists that I need more ‘quality time’ with ponies for my ‘social rehabilitation.’ I’ve tried again and again to convince her that it is in everypony’s best interest if I’m left to my own devices, but there is just no reasoning with that pegasus! So, into town we go, and shock of shocks, the ponies all head for the hills, screaming their fool heads off. It’s not that I mind their motives, but yeesh, that reaction’s so predictable! Get a new shtick, ponies! I haven’t destroyed your town in months! You could at least try to surprise me once in a while! This is when Fluttershy had one of her… ideas. As soon as she gave me the once-over, my heart sank. Nothing good ever comes of that.
So, I’m hustled into Rarity’s vile boutique, where Fluttershy pulled little Ms. Prissy aside and explained that I might benefit from a smart ensemble. Well, Rarity had some choice things to say about me, but eventually Fluttershy convinced her to ‘help.’ Typical. Everypony wants me to reform, but when it is time for a little growth on their part, well, that’s too much to ask. The number of ponies meeting me at the halfway point still stands at one. Rarity is cut from that same tacky cloth as the rest of these two-faced Ponyville clods. Pleasant up front, and willing to say the nastiest rumors about you when you walk away. Ah, but when you have the power to alter reality, well, the walls really do have ears. I’m possibly Equestria’s most informed being. If these ponies knew just a tenth of what I know…
So, I stood still like an upstanding member of society, but I could hear Rarity’s teeth grinding when I insisted on answering all of her questions in an Upper Canterlot accent. So posh. So sophisticated. So amusing to extend the syllables for four or five seconds until Rarity’s face starts turning purple! Still, I did manage to get a snappy jacket out of the trip, and I’m sure that Rarity’s eventual cries of distress will soothe me to sleep tonight. You see, I took the liberty of moving her supplies around with a little chaos magic while I was standing still for hours on end. It’s really their fault, when you think about it. I’m a creature of change. Four hours of stillness should be a dead giveaway that I’m up to something. If ponies can’t pick up on a hint that obvious, well, I can’t be blamed.
~~~
Celestia visited today. As ever, these ponies fell all over themselves to see who could bow and scrape the lowest. That begs the question: What has Celestia done for them besides raise the sun each day? Fluttershy goes on and on about how wonderfully caring Celestia is, but as far as I can tell, she doesn’t have a hoof in Ponyville at all. The mayor makes the calls there. So, what’s that? Maybe a ten minute meeting every month or so to figure out what color tablecloths to put out for the upcoming Celebration of Cat Whiskers, or whatever nauseating thing they’ve decided to cheer for this week? Whenever something truly noteworthy happens, Celestia sends out her hangers-on and lackeys to deal with it. Yet, her power is respected.
I laughed in the face of that power. I laughed long and loud as she and her sister fumbled and flailed ineffectually for years. The Resistance! They couldn’t even come up with an original name! Every attack as rote as the one before. Sometimes, I’d throw the fights until the very end, reeling and weeping for mercy. Then, just as they believed victory was at hoof, I’d crush them! They never seemed too keen on the joke, but I would just roar for days remembering the looks on their faces!
Now, I’ll give credit where credit is due. Celestia surprised me with the Elements of Harmony. I’d like to think she’d been lulling me into a false sense of security all that time, but if there is any pony I know, it’s Celestia. That was a move of pure luck and desperation. She stumbled into a weapon and used it. Good for you, kid. You chalked one up. Let’s check the ol’ scoreboard: Celestia: 1. Discord: Several billion. Well, I didn’t actually keep score, but it must be somewhere in that range.
But here’s the thing. Once again, it’s not Celestia’s power. Oh, sure, the wielder of the weapon gains its power, but Celestia now merely holds the power that holds the power. She needs Twilight and her friends far more than they need her, yet they snap up every bone she throws their way, never realizing that she’s taking the bones from them in the first place. When you send a royal escort to retrieve Pinkie Pie, imploring her to help plan the very important Grand Galloping Gala after-party, well, if that isn’t pandering, then I don’t know what is! The minute your monarch needs the help of a pony that vapid, the cards are on the table. Celestia’s revealed herself to be nothing but a paper tiger!
I’ve tried to explain to Fluttershy that she’s being used by Celestia to prop up an oppressive system, but she pointed to the lack of dissent. I was of the opinion that the population just hasn’t thought of rebellion yet. Fluttershy said that I was telling her about the oppression, and she didn’t feel like rebelling. I’ll admit that I don’t have a rational explanation for that. Or better yet, an irrational one. Fluttershy seems like such a thoughtful pony, too. Maybe Celestia focused her last shred of power into thought control. If so, she’ll regret that when I catch her alone one day. My mind is so slippery that even I have trouble controlling it from time to time. And if I can't do it, she doesn’t have a prayer!
~~~
Nothing says “desperate cry for attention” quite like a visit from dear Rainbow Dash. She swings by every few days or so just to have Fluttershy boost her already voluminous ego to new heights. By now, it’s the size of Ponyville’s hot air balloon and just as easy to puncture.
These visits may be the only time Angel Bunny and I ever agree on anything. From the moment Rainbow bursts through the cottage door, it’s nothing but thrilling tales of adventure that border on the ridiculous. Oh, so you just happened to be up in the middle of the night, and you just happened be there to catch Scootaloo before she hurtled off a waterfall to her doom? In the middle of the woods? Mmmhmmmm. No, don’t mind the yawn, I’m truly fascinated. Pretty convenient, choosing the only pegasus so dense that she can’t fly, but even she isn’t going to go swimming by a waterfall at midnight. She’d probably just sink, anyway.
Angel Bunny and I shared several eye rolls and sighs of disgust, but Fluttershy just gasped in all the right places and congratulated Rainbow in the end. It’s not even a new lie! The Scootaloo incident “happened” weeks ago! She trots out the same old chestnuts again and again each time she visits! As she strutted out of the cottage, she reminded Fluttershy for the millionth time that she’s the fastest there is and blah, blah, blah, shoot me now. It’s certainly no surprise that she’s the Element of Loyalty. Once she comes up with some cockamamie story, she sticks to it, no matter how absurd. Couldn’t win the canyon race because a huge rock fell on her… What tripe.
~~~
My, my, my. Was I speaking well of a certain long-eared pest? Lacking a common enemy, the battle was joined once more. That wretched rabbit clearly doesn’t know who he’s dealing with! I was woken up this morning with an impromptu shower. That’s what I get for allowing Fluttershy to put a vase of flowers next to the bed. Sputtering and tangled in the blankets, I spied the Beaster Bunny just as he scooted through my bedroom door! Fluttershy insists on these little holes cut into the bottoms of all the doors to let the animals have free range of the house. She says that they’re liberating. I call them security breaches.
Anyway, he turned to give me that irritating smile of his just before disappearing through the hole. Luckily for him, I was tangled up and still half asleep, or he might have ended up at the bottom of a river with the snap of my fingers.
Hopping up, I gave pursuit, but the little monster had strung up some sort of wire just beyond the door. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I tripped on my way out, falling and breaking a small desk that had somehow wandered into the middle of the hallway. How he managed that, I’ll never know. In what I must grudgingly applaud, Angel used the opportunity to tip a vase off of a wall mount onto my head and before I knew it, he wiggled his leg into my claw and started crying just as Fluttershy came around the corner to see what at all the commotion was!
Oh, the fury that pony can muster when she wants! No amount of explaining would do. Finally, I just gave up, agreed to apologize to the rabbit, and cleaned the whole mess up. I’ve got to give it to him. He got me pretty good this time. Of course you know, this means war…
~~~
It seems that the more obvious Princess Celestia is, the more these ponies love her for it. Today was the coronation of Twilight Sparkle. Yes, that Twilight Sparkle. Uptight, awkward, hopeless Twilight Sparkle, promoted to princess on some nonsense rationale of ‘inventing new magic.’ I probably invent twenty spells a day, but no one seems to be rolling out the red carpet for me.
Anyway, as expected, Celestia is playing this off like it was all part of some grand scheme she’s been working on. It’s clear that she’s desperately clinging to power, but, cleverly, the only pony here with the brain power to figure that out is the pony holding the golden ticket: Twilight herself. Of course, she isn’t going to dig too deeply into that murky situation when she can be a pwetty, pwetty pwincess. All the while, Celestia’s tentacles on the Bearers of the Elements tighten, and they couldn’t be cheerier. Teaching our new princess how to act. Teaching her how to think! Most importantly, how to do everything just the way Celestia would. We wouldn’t want any independence, now would we? As she pretends to instruct, Celestia shortens the leash.
~~~
Joy of joys, today was the Running of the Leaves. Another in the endless line of annual events these ponies seem to revel in. Gather ‘round, ponies! Let’s relive those riveting days of yore, when leaves fell to the ground! The very highest of drama! And they do this every year! Supposed powerhouse Twilight Sparkle could just drop the leaves all at once, but apparently that’s not “traditional.”
So, there I was, a pariah, half-heartedly waving a Rainbow Dash pennant by myself as Fluttershy shuttled an unending stream of pecan tarts to Pinkie and Spike in their idiotic balloon. This illustrates what I loathe about these ponies. A coursed event? Why, of course you should use a vehicle that is at the mercy of the winds to announce from! When I said as much to Fluttershy, she assured me the weather team had planned for that, but what if the race has a hold up? Do they just sit there by their huge cloud fans or whatever it is they have up there, turning them on and off? Yet despite all of the things that could go wrong, these simpletons seem to muddle through. It’s infuriating, really. Accepting the wind’s fickle nature would be admirable, but they choose the most absurd vehicle and then bend chaos to their whims to make up for their idiocy!
But as I was saying, Fluttershy informed me that Pinkie and Spike had requested catering, and since she isn’t really much for physical exertion, she volunteered to fly the food to them. This sounded a lot like exertion to me, but Fluttershy spouted out some malarkey about “friendship lightening the load” or something equally disgusting. This left me in a lurch. Without Fluttershy, none of the other ponies will even come near me. Normally, I’d just create a duplicate to suffer on my behalf, and then leave to find some damage to do, but Fluttershy always seems to know when I’ve used my magic. I’m not sure how, but she has this eerie sixth sense about it.
So, there I sat, chin in hand, waving a pennant and wishing I were anywhere else. On top of that, I had to weather the chilly glares from Mayor Mare, the only pony brave enough to stand within thirty feet or so of me. She was attempting that ‘Look of Authority’ that Celestia has become so good at, but it just kept cracking me up. I really do love when Celestia comes to Ponyville with that special Benevolent Deity expression on her rather long face. When we get a moment together, I like to remind her that she fell to Queen Chrysalis. If she can’t handle that nag, she hasn’t got a prayer should I relapse. Oh, Celestia’s face! The pursing of the lips! That elegantly arched eyebrow! And then I’m on the ground with tears of laughter streaming from my eyes! Celestia is like a well-trained dog. Just give the signal and she performs! That alicorn needs to learn how to take a joke. What’s the fun in knowing exactly what’s coming down the pipe, eh? You never know, Celestia. You might get taught to roll over and play dead.
But back to the race. For several boring hours, I stood there with my flag and waited for something, anything, to happen. Finally, ponies began to trickle in over the finish line. Be still, my heart. My flag waving apparently accomplished nothing, as Rainbow came in second. Surprise, surprise! Last year’s winner was this year’s, as well: Applejack. I ask again, what is the point? All the ponies erupted into cheers and Fluttershy dragged me off to the dreadful potluck picnic that ended this waste of time. Once there, I suggested putting two spells on the tableware. One magically fed you. The other dumped the food on your head. It would be such a hoot to see which pony rolled snake eyes! Sadly, it seemed 'luck' was not invited to the potluck. I thought it might spice things up a bit, but Fluttershy didn’t go for it. She wouldn’t even let me do my own dish! How can a cherished festival be made entirely of interminable boredom?!
~~~
The truly distressing part of my flag-waving field trip was the solitude. In truth, I’m a being of action. Too much thought bores me to tears, and bringing others to tears is really more to my tastes. Standing alone on that small hill, I ended up in that most distasteful of activities: Self-reflection. I say ‘distasteful’ because I’ve been robbed of what self-reflection is really good for! Why, I used to spend lazy afternoons deep in the throes of a good gloat session after stomping down the pretenders to my throne.
But those days have passed, it seems. Now, instead of sweet victory, my mind twists with turmoil! How can I hate a race when I… like individuals within it? Yes, much to my disgust, I must use the plural because Pinkie Pie is beginning to grow on me. She never misses a day at the quarry, and however childish she may be, she at least has a sense of fun. Plus, she drives Twilight ‘round the bend regularly, and that’s worth some points in my book.
It’s all so complicated now! I used to lose myself for days in the simple joy of chaos. My merest whim would become reality, and my sides positively ached from laughter. Now, it’s all brooding and second-guessing. I drew a line in the sand out on that hill, though. Turning over the conversation Fluttershy and I had on the way to the race in my mind, I began seeing Celestia and her machinations differently. Fluttershy seems utterly convinced that she is working for the common good through every means she has. I think the poor dear is almost willfully naïve, but I found myself looking at Celestia, not through my eyes, but those of the ponies around me. Those happy, carefree ponies whose greatest daily burden is remembering to open the door first before trying to step outside.
That’s when I truly understood. Celestia hasn’t defeated me! She’s defeated the world around me! She’s made a place where I no longer belong! My rule was in dark, turbulent times, and yes, they were dark and turbulent because of me, but that’s beside the point. Well, maybe it isn’t, but I wasn’t the only thing back then that went bump in the night. My point being, those ponies needed my strength. Yes, I played with them, and sometimes they could be downright boring about the whole thing. They whined and pleaded and went on and on with the crying, but it’s not like I was killing them! What fun is that? I’m not some neophyte ruler like Sombra was. The more toys you have, the better the playtime, eh? They despised me, but they needed my power.
Clever, clever, Celestia! Oh, I didn’t think you had it in you! Making a world of peace and harmony to rob me of any leverage! Not too shabby for a pony that looks like spoiled sherbet. In taking away the threats of the world, she’s also taken some of the power I used to exert. No longer can I point to the dread horizon and tell them to make a choice. Oh, certainly, I could seize the throne, but that’s not quite the kick in the pants it used to be, what with the Elements of Harmony around.
And now, she’s taking all I have left: My free will. She’s inflicted these ponies on me, and I find myself hesitating at the most inconvenient times. Fluttershy is one thing, but why am I singing and dancing with Pinkie Pie in a quarry that Celestia has tossed to me like a day-old crust of bread? There’s no one around! Any number of hilarious things could happen to that pink pony, but they haven’t because a new voice speaks inside my head. A little, nagging, whining voice that points out that she’s a friend! What have I become?
There is a glimmer of hope, though. It’s the flinching. I need only to raise a claw or open my mouth, and I will see these ponies’ eyes cloud with fear and uncertainty. That is the lesson Celestia has taught me! I’ve been using chaos as a cudgel when it can also be a scalpel. By controlling myself some of the time, I leave these ponies guessing just when the next game will begin! Despite all of Celestia’s work, these ponies still know how to fear. They still have fear.
Celestia may have insulated them somehow, but she’s a has-been. Her dust-up with Chrysalis must have raised some eyebrows over that dark horizon, and one day, something large and toothy will arrive to test her mettle once again. She knows that, or I wouldn’t be here among the ambulatory. Princess Twilight Sparkle is a move that only a desperate pony makes. The citizens of Equestria still know fear because Celestia knows fear. She’s tried to bury it deep down inside, but I suspect she grows more frightened everyday.
So, I wait. One day, that large and toothy something will arrive, and I’ll have a decision to make. Will I stand aside and revel in the destruction, or will I repel it, just so I can delight in their slack-jawed expressions? Well, I can get that from Applejack at any time, but besides Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, there isn’t a one of them that truly believes I’m actually going to help them. Watching Twilight fall all over herself trying to apologize without seeming like she was wrong all along, well, I’d be in stitches! It would just be so much easier if I didn’t keep hearing that little voice, telling me that I can’t betray my friends.
~~~
You know what really lifts the spirits? What really puts a spring in my step? Well, it’s not a trip to Sweet Apple Acres!
At least, that’s what I thought until recently. I spent the whole morning telling Fluttershy in an assortment of amusing voices that under no circumstances would I be going to help sort apples. Still, she stood by the front door and smiled, holding out a pair of work gloves for me. I was about to ask why any hoofed creature would have such a thing, but the beaded trim and filigreed stitching told me everything I needed to know. That trip to Carousel Boutique had a dual purpose. Fluttershy can be down-right sneaky when she wants to be, I’ll give her that. After a few uncomfortable moments, I finally relented, though I made sure to slam the door extra hard on the way out. Too bad I missed Angel by a hair. Or would that be a hare?
The whole way there, Fluttershy kept pointing out the wildflowers that have just come into bloom, the foxes and their new kits, and all manner of other twaddle that finally made me put my ears in my pockets. That was a relief, but, well, hips are surprisingly loud. That’s the problem with creative solutions, sometimes they backfire. You see, I’d been looking up at the clouds and trying to nod from time to time, just to keep up appearances, when I suddenly fell into the river. The bridge was out, and apparently Fluttershy had tried to tell me to stop. Alas, ears in pockets. Incidentally, I should keep these pockets. It ruins the lines of my fur and scales a bit, but it is a handy place for putting my hands when I’m trying to seem innocent. Anyway, I had to put the ears back on. I told Fluttershy that they were just cold, but I don’t think she bought it.
Several thousand yawns later, we arrived on the farm. Surprise, surprise, the welcome mat seemed to have been pulled up! I received several minutes of scowling from Big Mac and Apple Bloom as Fluttershy had a chat with Applejack. In the end, it was agreed that I would be given a chance to help. Not that I had agreed, but Fluttershy kept handing me apples and saying, “Oh, if you wouldn’t mind, put these in the red barrel over there, but be careful not to get a splinter." What is one to do?
Chaos, that’s what!
Subtlety, that’s the name of the game these days. It’s amazing how much more fun the day can be when the apple stems grow just a little bit hardier. Proud Applejack’s mighty kicks looked as weak as a kitten! Oh, the looks on their faces when those same stems turned brittle as Apple Bloom tried her luck. One of the apples nailed our favorite farmer pony square between the eyes and her hat flew into the pigpen. Applejack certainly didn’t appreciate it when I mistook the pig for her and offered to help it up out of all that mud. I was all apologies, but, well, who can tell the difference? With the hat, the resemblance was uncanny!
Now, I can’t take any credit for what came next, but I laughed until I cried all the same. Athletic Applejack leapt for her hat, but I guess that pig had other ideas. Just as Applejack grabbed it, the pig flipped her over onto her back and ran to the other side of the pen, clutching the hat to its muddy chest. My suggestion that she should quit frittering the day away in the mud, and that she might want to turn over and get up, didn’t go over all that well. Well, actually, that’s exactly what she ended up doing, but then she threw a hoofful of mud my way. It’s funny how Big Mac was just coming around the corner at the time…
After several minutes of truly entertaining mud wrestling, Applejack finally wrenched her hat away from the tearful pig. It seems that Apple Bloom has been using the pig as a karate partner and it’s picked up a few things along the way. I’ll hand it to these yokels: If they plan on being this amusing, I’ll be back for every apple harvest, whether they want me around or not!
~~~
Sweet, sweet revenge! You should never bring a carrot to a chaos fight, but you’ve got to give the little guy some leeway. He is quite literally hare-brained, after all. Some creatures! You give them just a little taste of victory, and soon their heads are full of all kinds of delusions.
It wasn’t a bad plan at all, if you’re into that sort of thing. I’ve always found planning to be a terrible bore, but I could see its appeal if you happen to be, say, a lavender unicorn with control issues, or an unlikeably loutish lagomorph with no creativity. You see, it hinged on Fluttershy being home, as usual. That’s how he can get around my chaos magic. Mr. Angel Bunny plays the snuggly-wuggly pet role, and Fluttershy showers him with attention. Then, when her back is turned, he’ll toss a flower pot at me, or some such. Not exactly a world-class opponent, but I’m working with what I have.
So, I walked into the kitchen to have a bite to eat, when suddenly I’m careening out of control. Pinwheeling wildly, I fell directly into the pantry where I slammed into the shelving. I even bit my tongue as the jars of peach preserves rained down on me.
Normally, Fluttershy would rush over with her heart in her throat, falling all over herself to see if something was wrong, but, well, she was in some sort of a mood. We’ve got this moose with an earache in the spare room, and neither it, nor she, seemed to appreciate the fireworks I summoned up as entertainment. She had just brought in an extra quilt because it was cold! Surely the sparks from the fireworks setting the quilt on fire could only help matters? Sadly, she didn’t see it that way, and I spent the next hour scrubbing burn marks from the walls and replacing the quilt. Anyway, she told me to be on my best behavior, and above all to be quiet so that Mr. Moosey could heal up in peace. As if peace ever solved anything.
It was with some decidedly un-Fluttershy-ish exasperation that she dug me out and launched into a lecture on responsibility. I was at a loss for explanation until I spied the Tricks Rabbit behind her, quickly wiping up the floor with that despicably smug expression on his face! Sure enough, my hoof was slick with what seemed to be cooking oil. He’d managed not only to physically hurt me, but get me in trouble with the one thing that Fluttershy had asked me specifically not to do. I had to grudgingly tip my antler to him.
He’s come a long way, I’ll give him that. You’d probably impress one of these ponies, but I put the ‘Chief’ in mischief, my bunny lad! I began to cough and hack, telling Fluttershy that I was feeling positively ghastly. That pony has never missed an opportunity to tuck something into bed. As I summoned a few of my most explosive sneezes, I made sure to get most of it onto everyone’s favorite lop-eared hanky. It’s so difficult to see when you’re eyes are watering, you know. As soon as I set Angel down, I redoubled my sneezing, and I huskily whispered to Fluttershy that I might have… the Bunny Bug! Of course, I was met with a blank stare (and a rather delicious smoldering look of suspicion from certain parties), but I told Fluttershy how I used to contract it on occasion as a young draconequus. You see, loss of control and convulsions are the first stages of the Bunny Bug. Surely I couldn’t be blamed for my crash landing!
Of course, Fluttershy hustled me into the bedroom, making sure that I had three blankets and a glass of milk, all the while worrying about the fact that she’d never heard of the Bunny Bug. In my fevered state, I managed to cough out that she must have something on it in one of those veterinary books she obsessively reads. Well, she was doubtful, but wouldn’t you just know it? There just happened to be an entry she had missed in a dusty old tome of rare illnesses! It said the infirmed should relax as best they can for a few days, and above all other things, no contact with rabbits!
Oh, the wailing and screaming when Fluttershy asked Spike to bunnysit at the library! He was quite angry! Mad as a March hare, one might say. Spike had to literally drag him away, with Fluttershy begging him to be good the whole time. Transplanting my rabbit problems onto Twilight and her dopey dragon? That’s game, set, match!
But it’s funny: As I write this, I’m… well… I’m not as gleeful and I could be. That sort of thing generally puts me firmly on cloud nine, but I’m just looking up into the sky, sighing for some reason. I mean, what’s a draconequus to do? When a bunny plays with fire, sometimes he gets roasted, but I’ve been getting this unpleasant churning in my gut each time Fluttershy comes in to bring me a fresh bowl of soup or massage what I profess to be an aching back. I’m having a tough time meeting her eye. I’m finding that I despise this much more than I despise that rabbit. Why, I believe I’m feeling somewhat better. I think I’ll tell Fluttershy she can lay off the doting.
~~~
I honestly don’t know what to make of this day. It’s been extremely trying. I’ve made the rather tedious decision to go into some detail here because it’s in my nature to be absent-minded. History is order, and generally that sort of thing gives me the willies, but every once in a while, something truly noteworthy happens. Today was such a day, and it may be necessary to remember it with some clarity down the road. Today, Celestia sealed all of Equestria’s fates, one way or another. Like I said, it’s been a confusing day.
It started out well enough. There I was, enjoying the antics of my nightstand and dresser as they chased each other around the bedroom, when I heard a gasp from the other side of the door. Fluttershy’s panicked, scrambling hoofsteps could only mean that someone important had arrived. As I poked my head out to see what all the fuss was about, Fluttershy collapsed into hyper-ventilation and my stomach began to turn sour. Fluttershy’s never been what you’d call ‘collected’ in high-pressure situations, but only one pony sends her off into that kind of tizzy: Celestia.
Oh, Celestia. Such good times we old friends have when we get together, don’t we? Reminiscing about all those special moments we’ve shared! Telling old war stories. Of course, most of those old war stories are with each other, but that adds a little spice to the conversation, especially when so many of the best stories have ended in my favor!
Eventually, I had to let Celestia in, as Fluttershy seemed to have forgotten how the door worked. The poor dear was just yanking on the door and crying, quite forgetting that the lock was still engaged. Armored in the royal guard formal uniform, I snapped to attention as I opened the door. That earned me the royal eye roll. Such judgment from a pony who's never thought to promote herself to queen. Yes, the armor was three times too large and, okay, it all fell clattering to the floor as I saluted, and sure, my head resounded like a gong as my claw slammed into it, but I felt it best to at least try a formal greeting. But, as always, creativity goes unrewarded by Her Spoiled Highness.
With that done, I flung myself onto the couch and attempted to entertain myself while Celestia hashed out some dull task for Fluttershy to work on. Or rather, I had the couch fling itself onto me. I thought it was rather graceful, the way it hurtled through the air to meet my leap in mid-air. It’s a pity that Celestia ducked, though. Oh, well. Can’t win ‘em all.
So, I pulled out Fluttershy’s latest issue of Marmot Weekly (Nine Unexpected Hibernation Tips!), and I'd just begun the unintentionally hilarious letters section when Celestia asked Fluttershy to excuse us for a little while. Well, that certainly got my attention! Summoning a romantic, candle-lit table and donning my best moustache, I confessed to be shocked that Celestia had taken this bold step, but that I was open to new things. Her flat stare sent me off into gales of laughter. Celestia is such an old stick-in-the-mud!
Pushing the table to one side, she suggested that we go out for a walk. As I waggled my eyebrows at her and called her a naughty pony, she just shook her head calmly, but I’m pretty sure I could hear her teeth grinding. Since she does love a good walk, I called out to Fluttershy to pack a few things to eat, but Celestia stopped me. She said that she really did want it to be the two of us.
Now, I confess that this was a touch unsettling, as I’m not generally on Celestia’s social calendar. This was going to be some sort of trap, but what could she do, really? It’s not like Fluttershy is going to help them turn me back into stone. If the paper tiger wanted to roar a little, well, I’d be happy to declaw her.
So off we went, but not before Fluttershy packed us both a basket lunch. Well, re-packed is what I should say, because she took it back and redid it three times. Finally, Celestia took the basket from her with promises that we would be back soon. I was wondering if the plural was a little presumptuous on her part.
You see, this was precisely the opportunity I’d been itching for. While I’ll grudgingly admit that I’ve taken a shine to certain ponies, Celestia remains as dull as ever. She was playing directly into my hands, and, perhaps more importantly, she was taking me to my home turf.
Ah, the dusty road to my quarry/playpen! I’ve travelled it so many times now that I can do it in my sleep. Literally. I just animate the bed and get four or five more winks while it chugs along. I once woke up to find Ditzy Doo laying on it. That’s what I get for sleeping with my head under the covers. As pegasi go, Ditzy’s a few birds short of a flock, but she did provide an amusing reaction when I whispered in her ear. I suspect she achieved a new Equestrian record for ‘Most Haphazard Flight.’ She hit at least seven trees, and I think she was just trying to fly straight up!
Now, Celestia’s always been as transparent as a window pane (or in her case, pain), and just as easy to crack. A trip to the quarry meant an upcoming lecture on responsibility, caring, rainbows, and all manner of other hogwash. I knew we’d finally come to it. The big sell! The moment where I repent my evil ways and whole-heartedly embrace the straightjacket of society! With the quarry as her example, she was going to show me that I could have my cake and eat it too. I guess she doesn’t know that Pinkie is my Quarry Pal. If you think you are getting any of the cake with that pony around, you are sorely mistaken!
We arrived and began the requisite chit-chat that genteel ponies like Celestia just can’t seem to get enough of. How am I feeling? What’s the cottage like? That sort of thing. As though she had any interest at all. Finally, I was forced to remark on how incredibly coy she was being. I threw on a little wedding veil and begged her to pop the question already. Sighing (poor, world-weary Celestia!), she motioned for me to have a seat. I transformed a boulder into an overstuffed leather armchair, and threw myself into it, crossing my legs over the arm and pulling out a bubble pipe. This felt like a serious discussion and it seemed something with a professorial air would be in good taste.
As per usual, her Royal Dryness just ignored all of that and launched straight into her pathetic speech. That’s the insufferable thing about Celestia. You really go the extra mile to bring some fun to an occasion and she just keeps muddling through her pre-written script like giant, inflatable penguins aren’t forming an off-key marching band and waddling through town. It’s more than rude; it’s an affront to art, really.
“Discord,” she began, doing her best to give me that benevolent smile of hers, “I wanted to personally thank you for working so hard. It hasn’t gone unnoticed. I’ve had reports from all over Ponyville on the changes that they’ve seen.”
To be honest, I had no idea what she was blathering about. I go to Ponyville every week or so and not one of those ponies will so much as look me in the eye. How would they know anything about me?
Celestia continued rambling on and on about how she knows it hasn’t been easy and how terribly brave I’ve been and who knows what else. I hoped she’d take the hint when I strung up a hammock between two boulders and flopped onto it, but after a slight pause and a frown, she said something I couldn’t ignore.
“I’ve discussed this with Luna, and we believe you are ready for the next step. We want to help you grow into-”
I was in the middle of a tremendous yawn, but that certainly made me sit up and take notice. Celestia was daring to belittle me? I held up my claw, cutting her off abruptly. “You believe I’m ready for the next step, Celestia?” Rising from the hammock, I pulled myself up to my full height and watched as my shadow engulfed her. “You’re going to help me grow? I’m having a little trouble hearing. I must have left my ears in my pockets again. It almost sounded like you thought you were dealing with a child. Who are you to decide anything for me?”
“No, let me explain, Discord,” she said, putting up a placating hoof. “That’s not what I meant. Please accept my—”
“Oh, then what did you mean, Celestia?” I growled at her. “You seem to have adopted the dangerous notion that you’re my better these days! Oh, I may be having a lark at Fluttershy’s cottage, but your future is and always has been dependent on my mercy, not the other way around!” In truth, my blood was beginning to boil at this point. Celestia was going to treat me like a child? ME?! If only I could give her a reminder of where the power truly lies between us.
And then it hit me: Why not give her a reminder? One she could think about for a few millennia. I suddenly realized that all of the nights I’d spent tossing and turning, struggling with all of the inane restrictions, all of the teeth grinding and headaches, all of the angry lumps in my throat that I was forced to swallow as Fluttershy would give me that certain look, all of it was the fault of this spindly, plebian alicorn. And there she was, completely unprotected. I wasn’t sure why she’d brought me here all by her lonesome, but I was going to make her regret it!
Celestia’s always been as dumb as a bag of rocks, so I figured a few thousand years as a statue might actually be a comfort to her. With a snap of my fingers, her grating platitudes ceased. She had time for one gasp before the spell fully took her, but I found it strange that her statue seemed more disappointed than frightened, though. She could have at least mustered up a snarl or something.
I’d never thought that Celestia was the brightest star in the sky, but this quarry trip seemed to eclipse all of her other terrible decisions. Celestia had walked straight into the lion’s den. It’s like she was practically begging to be overthrown, but I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Especially Celestia’s mouth. Her breath could stun a moose. Maybe it’s from all that flank kissing she’d been giving Twilight and her friends.
While a little anti-climactic, a win is a win, so I was just about to teleport to the palace when the statue exploded. Coughing and waving my claw to clear the dust, it took me a moment to notice that Celestia had actually managed to free herself. There she was, shaking debris from her wings and giving me the stink eye. Some ponies just don’t know when to quit.
But talk about vexing! I’d spent untold years trying to uncover a way to undo that petrification spell, and here she’d lucked into it on the first attempt. That’s why I can’t stand Celestia. Despite her phenomenal lack of brainpower, she keeps stumbling along through life by sheer chance.
Well, if at first you don’t succeed, eh? I rolled up my sleeves (well, my skin) and got ready for another attempt, but Celestia put a hoof out to stop me. Something in her eyes gave me pause. Was it sadness? Pity? Disappointment? Whatever it was, it was unexpected and it gave me that irritating twinge in my chest that I’ve grown to hate so.
“Discord, please!” she whined at me. “Please don’t do this! You’ve come so far!”
“Celestia, you’re such a crack-up!” I said, breaking into a thousand little pieces, all of them laughing at her pained expression. I didn’t think the joke was that bad, but what does she know, anyway? Reforming, I advanced on her. “It’s true that I’ve struggled to be someone who Fluttershy wants to spend time with, but where did you get the idea that my change of heart applied to you?”
“Discord,” she said, still backing away, “I just came to talk. Please just give this a chance!”
“Or what?” I said as I transformed into a buck-toothed, knock-kneed Twilight Sparkle. “Is milady going to teach me a lesson?” In truth, I felt a little guilty about the impersonation. Twilight’s never looked so good. Celestia will probably make her wear a paper bag next time they meet. “You don’t have what it takes to instruct me, Celestia, so why don’t you head back to the drawing board and think this over again?”
These ponies always forget about the tail. Celestia was so busy watching my claws for some indication of what I was going to do that she never notice as I flicked my tail at her. Summoning a large blackboard, I blasted Celestia with a little chaos magic, turning her into a chalk drawing and imprisoning her on the board. And no one believes me when I say she’s a two-dimensional nincompoop.
Waving goodbye, I picked up an eraser and was just about to rid Equestria of her forever when she leapt out of the blackboard and flew over my head. Landing a few yards away, she turned to address me again, this time she was wearing her stern face. “I’m willing to overlook all of this, Discord, but this is your last chance. Please don’t make me use force!”
Now, it’s rare that I get truly angry, but Celestia has a way of getting under my skin. The very idea that she was going to discipline me was just insulting. Furthermore, I couldn’t figure out how she was wiggling out of some really top-notch chaos. Those two spells should have ended our little scuffle. The only reason I’d let Celestia survive our past altercations was because she was such a hoot. I could have finished her off any ol’ time, yet there I was, whiffing when the game was truly on the line.
I’ve never been afraid to call any bluff, though, so I summoned up a few dyna-mites and sent them scuttling her way. They’re small, even for insects, but they pack such a delightfully explosive punch! As they began detonating around her, she leapt out of the way, only to nearly get taken out by the downpour of cast-iron skillets I’d started. I’d really hoped she wouldn’t notice that. They ought to have broken every bone in her body, but she used her wings to angle away from them at the last second. I even had a joke about her performance getting panned all lined up. What a terrible waste.
I was just finishing some truly inspired Nightmare Moon clones when she nailed me with the weakest display of magical power since Trixie last came to town! The beam from her horn hit me dead center, but it didn’t even singe my fur. Well, that tickled me pink (which I look devastatingly handsome in, by the way), and I lost all concentration. I hate to lose a good opportunity to rub the failure with her sister into Celestia’s mug, but her power was, quite literally, laughable. I just couldn’t contain it! And she was just standing there, with that serious look on her face. Like she was a disapproving schoolmarm, and I was the scamp caught with the slingshot. That’s actually not too far off the mark, but in this case, the slingshot was Equestria’s largest chaos cannon.
I needed a distraction, so I sped up time, dropping the sun over the horizon and forcing Celestia to bring it back up again. However, I got the strangest sensation when I did it. My palms burned, and I was forced to take a quick breather, instead of following up with my planned wing theft. Always a winner with those flying ponies! They’re so possessive of their wings. I tried trading Fluttershy for my antler/horn pairing once, but she didn’t care for the idea. Anyway, I massaged the pain out my hands, and then bent myself back to the task. I was beginning to wonder if I’d lost my edge. Celestia should have been a quivering, crying heap by now.
That’s what I like to call inspiration! Celestia’s never really shown any backbone, so I thought I’d just help illustrate the point. I began to turn Celestia’s bones into rubber, but to my surprise, she stopped the transformation, and suddenly I was screaming in pain. My arms seemed like they were on fire up to the elbows. The agony was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced!
And, of course, Celestia was just standing there with that condescendingly patient look that she likes to wear. That really tore it. There is a time for fun and games, but I do not enjoy being toyed with. Especially by an overly-lucky has-been who's greatest accomplishment is sitting on a chair.
I reached out with my chaos, feeling out the dimensional barriers around me, and began twisting out some truly nasty creatures for her to deal with: Chaospreys! Inter-dimension birds of prey that thrive on random destruction. That’s the thing about seeing into multiple planes of reality: It really broadens your perspective. It’s hard to take these ponies seriously when the most frightening thing they can think of is a bunny stampede. If they only knew the horrors that stood not three feet from them, separated only by the thinnest of dimensional veils.
The creatures had barely arrived when I fell, screaming. Take it from someone who soothes his cares away in lava pools and regularly eats electricity, this was far, far worse than anything I’d ever imagined. It was as if my very bones were being unmade inside me. Through the haze of pain, I could just make Celestia out as she effortlessly banished the chaospreys.
And that was that. The curtain fell, and our little play closed for the night. I was in too much pain to continue, and I waited for the final blow. Of all the things to happen, to be beaten by Celestia! At least we were alone. The shame of it would have been too much to bear in a more public brawl.
But, after a few long moments, the pain began to recede, and I risked cracking my eye open. There she stood, lording above me, with her hoof outstretched. The condescension of it still turns my mouth sour. It wasn’t enough for her to beat me! No, she had to try and lend me a hoof, as though I was helpless. Well, I was helpless, but it’s the principle of the thing.
Slapping her hoof away, I gingerly sat up and rested against a large boulder. Usually, every little thing is a gas to me, but, for once, I was finding it difficult to see the silly side of all this. As the sun dropped down below the walls of the quarry, Celestia’s shadow seemed to engulf me. Snarling, I tried to rip it from the ground, but my hands began their dreadful tingling again.
“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you,” Celestia said as she spread out her wings. Why do these winged ponies always flap their wings for no good reason? I suspect she was trying to make herself seem more majestic. “I’ve enchanted you with a Chaos Resonance spell. Long ago, when Starswirl was hunting for you, he invented it and put the enchantment on an amulet. The closer he got to your chaos, the more the amulet vibrated. Only now, it’s your bones that are vibrating. Theoretically, you might disintegrate if you keep trying to use your powers.”
Damn Celestia and her meddling! She’d already taken so much, but to take my magic? My very being? I would have never thought she had it in her. She was so much crueler than I would have believed. And, finally, the horrible gloating. I’m a fan of a good victory gloat, but it’s different when I’m doing it. I’m charming and handsome. Quick of wit and full of charisma! Celestia is a tiresome fuddy-duddy with the personality of a wet mop. Similar smell, too.
“Discord, it’s important that you know I truly didn’t want to fight you. I never have,” she said, lying through her teeth. “I brought you here to this quarry as a safety precaution, but please believe me when I say that I don’t want to go to war with you every time we meet.” This is where she bent her ugly head down to look me directly in the eyes. “I need you to understand a few things. First, there is nothing more important to me than the health and happiness of all Equestrians. Next, with a few exceptions, most Equestrians are gentle and kind, so I’m gentle and kind with them. You have mistaken that for weakness." She stared down her nose at me, snorting. “You could not be more wrong. Caring for others is what gives me the strength to make the hard choices. Finally, you think that the Elements of Harmony are your only weakness." As she sat down across from me, she wore a curiously weary expression, like she was the one who had endured a trial here! “The Elements are merely one way, the most humane way, of dealing with you. Luna and I have many tools with which to defend Equestria, but we always start with what will do the least harm. We don’t enjoy inflicting pain, even on those that would inflict it upon us." Gag.
“If you could have taken me down all along, then why did you send your twerp friends out to bumble their way through our little altercation when I first escaped?” I said. Well, I would have said, but I started coughing after “twerp.” It completely ruined the effect, but Celestia got the gist.
“Because they needed the experience,” she answered, sighing. “One day, Luna and I may be gone, and Twilight might have to assume the throne. When my time came, I wasn’t prepared, and Equestria suffered because of it. I don’t want the same to happen to her, or to any of my subjects.”
“Oh, so they have enough experience, now?” I asked. The pain had finally receded, but I couldn’t find any joy in it. What good is life without chaos? I’d rather be a statue again. “Is that why you’ve finally come to do your own dirty work?”
“Discord,” she continued, ignoring me, “I want to explain a few things, and I wanted to say… I’m sorry. You probably feel like I’m trying to use you, and to a degree, you’re right. But we’re all being used. That’s part of being in a community." Then, Celestia sat down across from me, adopting this sickeningly sincere, maternal expression that made me want to break that horn off of her head and force-feed it to her. “I use the ponies of Equestria to run industry, create great works of art, and to raise the next generation. My subjects use me as a protector and an elemental force. It’s an exchange, and it’s not nefarious. It’s how—”
Oh, I’d had enough by that point! It’s one thing to be beaten, but to be treated like a simpleton! “Oh, save it, Celestia!” I said, finally climbing back to my feet. Standing helped. At least she couldn’t look down on me any more. “Using your citizens to further the greater whole? Tell me then, O Great Manipulator, exactly which other citizens are you robbing of their personality and keeping in reserve as a living weapon? Who else’s freedoms are you tailoring?!" My chest was heaving at this point, but screaming was really the only thing left to me.
But, Celestia surprised me once again. She actually started tearing up. “Twilight,” she whispered after a lengthy pause. That was not the answer I’d been expecting. “I sent a bookish, introverted pony to do exactly what she hated most. I sent her to socialize, and I knew she’d hate every second of it." Celestia pulled her head back up to give me a hard stare, tears still dripping from her chin. “I needed a weapon to fight Nightmare Moon, and I forged it. Twilight came through, because she always comes through, and now she’s thriving, but it doesn’t change anything. I forced her to change for the sake of Equestria.”
I just didn’t know what to say at this point. I mean, it’s no shock to find out that Twilight was some friendless nerd a short time ago, but it had never occurred to me that Celestia forced her into her new job as Head Ponyville Twit. “Okay,” I said, “But what does this have to do with me?"
Celestia’s horn began to shine, erupting into floating images of the ponies I’d come to know so well. Visions of laughing, romping ponies, with Twilight at their center. “I’m trying to show you that Twilight didn’t look for that change. She didn’t want the change, but in the end, she’s a happier, more complete pony." Celestia looked up, pointing her hoof at me. “That could be you.”
I initially started to laugh, but something in Celestia’s sad expression sucked all the humor out of the moment, so it ended up in a muffled cough. Has there ever been as big of a downer as Celestia? She just kills the mood dead. “Discord, you’ve learned what it means to have a friend. Let us show you what it means to have a family! What it means to be in a community!”
“But you don’t want me in your family, dear Celestia!” I said. I keenly remember the feeling of the heat rising to my cheeks. Did she really think I was going to buy any of this? “You want an obedient Discord! You want a pliant Discord! Why risk individuality and free thought when it’s so much easier to run a society of ants, eh?”
Celestia just shook her head, as though I was being childish. I swear, if I’d had my powers again, that head shake would have done it. “There’s always a trade, Discord. You had all the freedom in the world for centuries, but did you have any friends? Do you really want to return to that?" She coolly regarded me for a moment here. “Do you really want to lose Fluttershy?”
I’m sure my eyes must have flown open at that, and I rocked back on my heels. Celestia continued her dirty tricks by changing the images above her to one of a crying Fluttershy kicking me out of the cottage. My chest began to ache, and I had to massage it vigorously.
“You see?” she continued. “You can never go back to what you were before. You can either evolve, or be forever trapped as an angry, unsatisfied draconequus who lives in the past. I’m trying to offer you something different. Yes, you will have to control yourself. Yes, you will have to think of others, but in exchange, you can have things you’ve never had before: The love, friendship, and respect of those around you. Before, these were trivial things to you. I don’t think that’s the case now.”
I turned to watch the images again. Over and over, Fluttershy expelled me from the cottage. Pinkie turned when she saw me coming and hopped away. I even felt a twinge when Twilight walked by without so much as a word. I found myself reaching out and forced myself to drop my hand. This was all so confusing, and I just wanted to go home.
Celestia finally ceased the projection, and my eyes followed her hoof as she swept it around the quarry. “This was my gift to you because I agreed with Fluttershy that it’s unfair to suppress your nature. This was to be a spot for you to feel like you could be yourself." She turned back to me, her face hardening. “It also served a dual purpose. Did you imagine that your chaos effects just wore off over time?”
“What do you mean?” I answered, but the truth of it was dawning on me even as she began to speak again. I’d been duped.
“After your exercises, I used this area to learn how to undo your chaos. It was finally a time when I could safely examine the effects of your magic. I’m telling you this for two reasons. First, as I was unfortunately required to prove today, I’m not the same young filly you bullied relentlessly so many centuries ago. I want you to understand that if you try to hurt any of my subjects, I will be there to defend them. Second, and more importantly, I don’t want to build a relationship on lies. My first duty is always to protect Equestria. I did what I needed to do, but the deception weighed on me. So, from here on out, this is truly your sanctuary.”
“What does it matter anyway, Celestia?!” I yelled, throwing my hands up. “You’ve trimmed my claws, so it doesn’t matter where you hang the drapes at this point! I can’t climb up them! I’m no longer a risk!”
Celestia frowned at me here, shaking her head again. “Discord, you never listen. If I want something, I have to give something, too. I want your cooperation and sincere desire to help Equestria. In return…”
Celestia’s whole body began to glow and she rose slowly into the air. It was so bright that I had to shield my eyes, but suddenly I began to feel warm and light, and I was rising, too. The two of us rose above the quarry floor, slowly spiraling around each other. Slowly, I began to realize that the terrible, brittle feeling in my bones was leaving me.
Celestia’s eyes locked onto mine. In fact, that was all I was really able to make out about her. “… I’m giving your power back to you, not only to use here, but wherever you see fit in all of Equestria. From this day forth, I declare you to be a full Equestrian citizen, and I grant you the full rights and privileges that brings." The glow faded and I began to slowly sink back to the earth, but Celestia remained in the air, pumping her wings slowly to maintain her altitude. “This is trust, Discord. I’m not entirely comfortable with it. I’m not sure if I’m right. But I am sure that you deserve a chance." Celestia wheeled over me a few times, and then flew off, calling back over her shoulder. “Think on what we have discussed. Society isn’t the cage you think it is. It’s an open door into a larger room, that, yes, has some walls, but it also contains wonders that are just waiting for your discovery! Please come in and join us!”
And with that, Celestia disappeared over the quarry wall and I was left speechless. On one hand, I’d never wanted to smash her more. I was literally shaking with anger. On the other hand, I’d been spared. Oh, I’ve never really feared death all that much, but a life of boredom? A magic-less non-life? Well, that’s too horrible to comprehend. And as much as I hate to admit it, Celestia managed to somehow force some interesting points out of her pea brain. I can just imagine the hours she spent sitting on the throne, head in hoof, straining for some ideas.
But, she’s right about one thing. I can’t go back. I can’t risk losing Fluttershy. But what am I to do now? Learn to sit and heel, and wag my tail when Celestia throws a treat my way? Do I become an upstanding member of pony society? Should I learn to be pliant in personality?
Right now, the cottage is still. Fluttershy is fast asleep, and even Angel Bunny has worn out his rage and snuggled down for some shuteye. Normally, this is the worst part of the day, but I’m finding that I’m thankful for it tonight. For once, the quiet is soothing, as my mind is whirling already. Once, sleep seemed a comfort. Chaos rules in dreams, after all, but Celestia’s probably posted Luna there to slap a few restrictions on dreaming, as well...
So, here I sit, pouring myself into this diary that I so despised at its onset, but I’m finding that when one has a dilemma, writing it down helps. I never really had dilemmas before. If something bothered me, I played with it and discarded it when the yucks ran out. Now, I have a choice to make. Do I forget these many months? Do I try and throw my friends away, or do I swallow Celestia’s bitter pill and throw part of myself away? I just don’t know.
Maybe it will be clearer in the morning, but for now, I think I’ll just go check on Fluttershy.
~~~
It’s funny the things that you get used to. Several months have passed since I last wrote in this diary, but my mind keeps turning back to it. Like many things recently, I’ve grown oddly attached to it.
I had expected to be the laughingstock of Equestria after the drubbing that Celestia gave me, but if these ponies have any idea what happened, they haven’t let on. It seems our beloved ruler kept her mouth shut, for once.
Celestia! Who knew she had that in her? Rather spunky, now that I think on it. Oh, I wasn’t amused at the time, but it was so unexpected! As I have said before, I give credit where credit is due, and Celestia managed to surprise me. I live for life’s little twists and turns, and now that I’ve had a little time to heal my pride, I find my pulse quickening as I remember that day.
You see, up until now, Celestia was merely a pesky gnat that I hadn’t really gotten around to swatting yet, but now she’s truly a challenge! Winning is always magnificent, of course, but it’s so much better when the outcome isn’t assured. I’ll be on pins and needles for the entirety of our next contest.
Curiously, though, I find my interest in domination waning. It’s just so easy to get distracted! After the incident at the quarry, I’d get a nice, seething hatred going, only to have Fluttershy trot in with a fresh plate of scones and a little clotted cream. It’s just so difficult to maintain a furious desire for revenge when that happens.
These ponies continue to surprise me in little ways. After my little… talk with Celestia, I naturally avoided the quarry for several weeks. Fluttershy was concerned, or course, but I just told her that I pulled something showing off for Celestia and she let it drop. Well, she didn’t exactly let it drop. She insisted on feeding me soup, swapping out my lamp for an aromatherapy candle (Lavender scented. To relieve Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, whatever that is), and covering both my knees with bandages. I was just talking her out of taking me to see Nurse Redheart for a blood-work battery when Pinkie Pie dropped by.
It seems that she missed me! She’d been going to the quarry at our regular time and just waiting there for hours. Finally, she decided to swing by the cottage and check in. I hate to admit it, but I find myself rather touched by that. However, what is truly remarkable is that I’m not upset at myself for feeling that way. Pinkie and I have had a gas together at that quarry. In the past, I’ve pined to turn that pink pony into a rubber ball and bounce her into orbit, but now I find myself glancing up to the calendar to see if Quarry Day has arrived yet.
A few weeks ago, Fluttershy and I made our way over to the Sweet Apple Acres for Granny Smith’s eleven thousandth birthday. I never did catch the actual number, but that pony has more wrinkles than Rarity’s pile of last year’s fabrics, so it’s got to be in that range somewhere. I was initially worried that Celestia would blab to Twilight what had happened, but if she had any idea, she hid it well.
Right on cue, everyone began being as obnoxious as possible. Applejack started going on and on about the right way to plant apples until I wanted to find out how much cyanide really is in those seeds. Rarity gushed about the new fall fashion line up to Big Mac, who is far too shy and simple to tell a pretty unicorn to take a hike even when he hasn’t understood a word she’s said for half an hour. Twilight spent thirty minutes obsessively arranging the place settings so that they would be perfectly even. It should have taken five, but the flatware just kept sliding this way or that by an inch or two. Funny how that happens.
But most grating was Rainbow Dash. That pony just never stops bragging. It’s always how fast she can fly, and how sharp of a turn she can bank, on and on until you put your ears in your pockets. Or you want to, anyway. There are no rivers in Sweet Apple Acres, but I’m not taking any chances.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and challenged her to prove it or shut her pie hole. The party got very still at that point, and Fluttershy started edging around the table toward me, but Rainbow just cracked her neck and asked what I had in mind. Now that is a reaction I can get behind! Finally, a pony who’s up for a little danger!
I told her that I would set up an aerial obstacle course, and if she could finish it in under three minutes, I’d eat my hat. Then Rainbow pointed out that I wasn’t wearing one, so I had to create a sombrero. I thought Rarity might be impressed with all the sequins, but just she just rolled her eyes and asked to be excused. In the end, Rainbow accepted the challenge and I got to work setting up various things like floating hoops of fire, spectrum-seeking missiles, and hammer-headed birds that brained you if you flew too close.
The loud gulp I received when Rainbow saw it was worth the price of admission alone. Twilight gave me that familiar glance out of the sides of her eyes and tried to talk Rainbow out of it, but that pegasus has too much pride to back down. I’ll admit that I was impressed when she finished in two minutes and fifty-two seconds, relatively unscathed, save for a long scratch down her side from the whirling swords. Landing in front of me, she strutted cheekily to the table and handed me a place setting. As agreed, I tucked in, to the cheers of all attending. Sombreros taste remarkably of cumin, and aren't half bad with a little lime.
After it was all said and done, Rainbow came up to me and said that was the most fun she’d had in months and wanted to know if I could make more courses for her to sharpen her skills. Pinkie bounded from seemingly nowhere (I love that) and told Rainbow she should come to the quarry with us.
Now we three exercise together. Pinkie comes up with a new obstacle, which I create, and in turn, Rainbow avoids. Pinkie is surprisingly devious, too. I had to applaud her cotton candy clouds that shot taffy lightning bolts that stuck Rainbow’s wings together. We would have been calling her Sprainbow Dash, but I quickly made a crash pad for her to fall on before really thinking the thing through. Ah, well. Thinking has always been overrated and we all had a merry ol’ time as I teleported us up in the air to fall on the pad over and over. I haven’t laughed that hard in years.
I guess Rainbow and Pinkie have been blabbing to the rest of the group, because they all want to come next week. The very notion of that should be enough to empty my stomach, but I’ve begun to grow accustomed to their presence. Twilight and Applejack no longer watch me as closely as before, and Rarity has even offered to show me her sketches for a new fashion line. She seems to think my… unique way of thinking might help to inspire her. I’d rather kiss Celestia’s hooves than spend who knows how many hours arguing about beaded trains and scooped necklines, but it’s interesting to have the option.
Finally, we come to the Hell-veteen Rabbit himself, Angel Bunny. I have the feeling that all the power of friendship in the world isn’t going to bring us closer together, but we mutually agreed on a household cease-fire. Not due to any growing respect or affection for each other, but Fluttershy seems to be getting caught up in the crossfire a little too often. He’s figured out that I’m not going anywhere, and it seems to me that Fluttershy is unwilling to part with the buck-toothed parasite. As stimulating as conflict is, I’ve grown weary of being woken up by a bowl of pudding being mashed into my face.
By all rights, I should have left here straight away and wrested the throne from Celestia. She’s proven that she’s got spunk, but let’s face it, she caught me napping. If she thinks I’ll fall for that chaos resonance trick again, she’s dumber than Hayseed Turniptruck, who I’ve incidentally had to chase off a few times. It seems he thinks that he can “come a-courtin’” Fluttershy now that he’s moved back to Ponyville. As if I’d let a total lackwit like that near her…
But back to my point, I’m just finding myself so very busy these days with the gang that revenge just slips my mind. I’ll find myself dozing off in bed after a full day in Ponyville and only then will I realize that I’d forgotten to work out some ways of defeating Celestia. Again. I’m sure it will work itself out in the end, though. Time is one thing that I have on my side. It will be so much more fun to see Celestia’s shocked expression when she’s forgotten that I could be a threat. For now though, I’ve got a date to keep at the quarry.
Author's Note
A huge, huge, huge thank you to Chris, Dragonas77, Loeden, and Statoose. Without their help, this story would have been a mess.
