Hey, you wanna know something Twilight couldn't stand? Paperwork.
Oh, sure, it didn't seem to bad at first. I mean, Twilight liked books, right? And paperwork wasn't too distinct from books, right? Wrong. There was nothing new or interesting to be seen, no fun characters, cool settings, or even interesting historical facts, and the only plot twists that were to be seen were ones that ended up costing you money. Also, paying bills, filing documents and anything along that line was just really boring and tedious. Kind of like reading a really awful book. Like that one about bondage or something.
And it was for this precise reason that Twilight was beginning to regret becoming a princess. Granted, it's not like she had much of a choice in the matter and it beat the alternative of having her friends trapped with the wrong Cutie Marks for the rest of their lives but it didn't seem like there was any quantifiable gain to being royalty. Okay, sure, the first time somepony puts the word 'princess' in front of your name it makes you feel important but that starts to lose any meaning it once had awfully quickly.
And in the one month since Twilight had gotten her wings, apart from a weird little escapade in an alternate universe where she was apparently a member of a different species, her life as a princess was awfully mundane. Pretty similar to her day-to-day life in Ponyville except for flying lessons with Rainbow Dash, and of course, the paperwork. And considering Twilight had never even had a real job before (well, aside from being a librarian in Ponyville, but that doesn't count,) going from that to a high position of authority within the Equestrian government, well, let's just say it certainly wasn't the smoothest transition for the purple alicorn.
Here's another thing: Twilight often wondered what exactly all the paperwork was for? I mean, she didn't rule her own kingdom (yet?) and Celestia, Luna, and Cadence were all masters of their own domain, so was Twilight's paperwork simply whatever those three weren't able to finish but was too important for royal guard leaders to handle? Well, in that case, how did all that stuff get completed before she became a princess? Was Twilight's ascension orchestrated by Celestia for the sole purpose of giving the princess of the sun more free time?
Okay, Twilight was probably jumping to conclusions here. Surely Celestia had a very good reason for guiding Twilight along to alicorn level. She hoped.
Regardless, when Twilight was sent a letter from Celestia saying that she needed to be at Canterlot Castle the next evening by 6 pm, she was skeptical to say the least. It's not as though she was dreading seeing Celestia (or Cadence, or Luna,) but she had to admit she was expecting some 'major assignment' which would most likely result in Twilight filling out a bunch of forms and nothing else. Perhaps if she was lucky she would get to read something, or even get to ask her friends for help completing whatever needed to be completed. Oh joy, wasn't she a lucky bitch.
Still though, Twilight managed to put her preemptive anger aside to get a decent night sleep, but the next morning she was restless. What if her precognitions about her assignment weren't true? she thought. What if this actually was serious business? But if it was serious business, why would Celestia say they should meet '6 pm next night' instead of 'immediately? Perhaps she was scheduled to meet somepony important? What could they be like? Maybe it was some kind of meeting between a large council of ponies, of which she was invited. What could that possibly be like? And perhaps it was... something else entirely.
Twilight decided to ask Spike about it, who seemed just as lost as she was.
"I really don't know," Spike said, "I mean, the Princess has to have a good reason for this, but I can't imagine what it would be? You sure the letter didn't specify?"
"Not only did it not specify," Twilight said, "But Princess Celestia was pretty adamant about making sure this was a secret."
"Well, I guess I can't really help you then," Spike said, "Hope you have fun anyway though."
"I do to," Twilight said.
Celestia and Luna were sitting in the Princess of the Night's chamber, calmly minding their own business, when they heard a knock on the door.
"Come in," Celestia said, and she wasn't surprised to see a pink alicorn trot happily through the door and pull up a seat next to Luna.
"How's the birthday girl?" Cadence asked.
"Pretty good," Luna said, "I have finally managed to reach the big one-two...three...oh."
Cadence chuckled,"Auntie, you're old as dirt, you know that?"
"If she's old as dirt, what does that make me?" Celestia asked.
"It means that you've known Faust since she was riding big wheels," Cadence snickered.
"Not too far from the truth," Celestia said, unfazed, "But you're starting to get up there in years yourself, Cadence."
Cadence grumbled, "Ugh, I'm still in the awkward early phases of immortality. Do you have any idea how awkward it is having to constantly tell everyone you're immortal? Because otherwise there's no way they'd ever believe I'm thirty-eight."
"As a matter of fact, I have, niece," Luna said, putting extra emphasis on the 'I' to show off her new 'modern speak,' "We both have."
"Well, anyway, I brought you a party had." Cadence said.
Luna rolled her eyes, "You are most kind, but I believe I would do better without it."
"Suit yourself," Cadence said, "I think it looks sexy."
She then turned her attention to Celestia, "So, when are we leaving?"
"Have patience," Celestia said, "I asked Twilight to arrive at 6 pm, and we will leave shortly after that."
"You did what!?" Cadence said.
"Oh yeah, we kinda sorta invited Twilight," Luna said, "We were going to tell you that earlier, but it slipped our minds. And by our, I mean my sister and I, not-"
"Yeah, I get that I mean you did what!? What would possibly make you think that's a good idea?" Cadence asked incredulously.
"Well, she is an alicorn now..." Celestia started.
"And I've actually been meaning to talk to you about that, but now's not the time," Cadence said, "For now... you do know where we're going, right? And you of all ponies should know exactly how Twilight reacted when she saw the letter you sent her. Honestly, I'm amazed we haven't had to send our entire fire department to Ponyville."
"I didn't tell her where we're going in the letter, merely that she should be here at 6 pm today," Celestia said, "I swear, you never give me any credit."
"So, it's a surprise? Wonderful, I get to watch my sister-in-law have a nervous breakdown." Cadence sighed, "Look, I love Twilight. I baby-sitted her as a filly, and I think she's grown up into an absolutely wonderful, kind-hearted mare, not to mention perhaps the most powerful mage of all-time. But she's also an extreme goody-two-shoes, not to mention neurotic as balls, a mare who, despite spending her entire life around royalty and having plenty of opportunity to get to know us, or more specifically you, Celestia, I mean she was your personal student for fuck sake, she still can't see anything but the infallible demi-goddess who would banish her at the slightest misstep. When she sees not only you but two other princesses as well doing what we're going to end up doing, I think it would literally drive her insane."
Luna tried to respond to her niece, but Cadence was on a roll.
"Y'know, it was hard enough getting away from Shining Armor. If I had told him it was Luna's birthday, he definitely would have insisted on being here, so I had to make up some bullshit about a business trip, and I still had to turn around every two seconds to make sure he didn't follow me here. And now, in the brief refuge I have, I'll have to deal with a mare who'll run and tell her BBBFF the moment I start flirting with some stallion who I likely have no intention of doing anything more with. And futermore I-"
"Cadence," Luna said, "Relax. Don't go all Twilight on us right now."
This actually got a small laugh out of the princess of love, "We're already going to have one Twilight on this trip, we don't need two I suppose."
"Do remember that, while she still has much to learn, she has only recently ascended to alicornhood," Luna said.
"And also remember that you had many issues yourself during your formative years as a princess," Celestia added.
"Okay, I know I was a bit of a prick-"
"A bit," Celestia said sarcastically.
"But at least I was down to have a good time. Besides, I was 15. I was a lot more mature by the time I was 23."
"Some ponies mature faster than others," Celestia said, "And I believe tonight will help Twilight on her way to maturity. Besides, what kind of leaders would we be if we excluded one of our own kind."
Cadence sighed, "I'm still skeptical but I suppose I should at least give her a chance, right?"
"Don't worry, everything will be fine," Celestia reassured her, "She may not know me very well, but I definitely know her, and I know exactly what buttons to push to open her mind up without causing her to lose control."
This caused Luna to pause momentarily, "Are you... are you going to hit on her?"
Celestia raised an eyebrow at her younger sister, which caused the princess of the night to blush and laugh apprehensively.
"It's a thought," Luna said.
Twilight was late. That's never a good thing.
She was casually spending time with Rarity and Fluttershy, when she noticed that it was almost 5 pm. Considering the train left at said time, it took 50 minutes to get to Canterlot and she had to be at Celestia's castle by 6, that was definitely cutting it short.
"I'm late!" Twilight shouted, "Sorry girls, but I really have to go now."
"Where do you have to be, again?" Rarity asked.
"At Celestia's castle? She invited me there tonight, remember?"
"Oh yes, I remember," Rarity said, "Although I wonder why she just invited you and not all of us."
"Princess stuff, I think," Fluttershy said.
Twilight merely shrugged, left the Carousel Boutique and raced towards the train station, where she thankfully made it on time. Throughout the ride, her brain continued stewing for possible reasons as to why Celestia could want her there. In the end, even though patience was not her forte, she had to settle for waiting it out and seeing when she got there.
Pretty much everyone in Canterlot Castle knew who she was. Even the ones who didn't know her while she spent her late-childhood and all of her teenage years there now knew her as the fourth Princess of Equestria, so getting in wasn't a problem. But all of the guards were being extraordinarily cryptic as to why she was here. It was always something like 'you'll see' or 'it's one of those nights again.' Even Flash Sentry, while more than happy to point Twilight to Luna's chamber as the place she needed to be, wouldn't answer any other question straightforwardly.
And furthermore, Luna's bedroom seemed like an odd place to meet. Shouldn't it be done in the main hall, or the throne room, or, well, any place that wasn't so personal? Unless they wanted it to be personal... Twilight's mind was wandering again, and she had to make sure that didn't keep happening.
Twilight knocked on Luna's door. That was something Twilight had a habit of doing even when she didn't really need to. Mostly because the last time she entered someone's room without knocking she walked in on Applejack giving head, so the act of giving the door a light tap before entering was now permanently ingrained in Twilight's, um, brain. Twilight also noticed that there were no guards there, which was a little weird considering the four most politically powerful mares in Equestria were going to be in that room.
"Twilight, is that you?" Luna asked.
"Yes, princess," Twilight responded.
"Enter," Luna said matter-of-factly. Twilight paused, took a deep breath, and entered the room... only to immediately think about racing back out due to the smell she encountered. Luna was there, as were Celestia and Cadence as expected, but that smell almost single-handedly dimmed Twilight's high hopes about tonight. It smelled a little like...
"Princess, why is there a skunk in your room?" Twilight asked.
The three princesses simply glared at her, eyes the size of the celestial body Luna controls, before Celestia threw her head in her forehooves while Cadence and Luna began laughing their head off.
"Oh that is just precious," Cadence said, "You... you seriously think that's a skunk?"
"Well, what else would it be?" Twilight asked, "I mean, it does smell a little different than an ordinary skunk, I guess..."
Celestia groaned, "Maybe this is going to take more effort than I thought."
II: Banter and Booty Calls
"Twilight," Celestia asked, "What do you know about marijuana?"
"So that's what the smell is!?" Twilight asked, "But how could you? You're Princess Celestia, all of Equestria looks up to you."
"Twilight, you do know that weed has been legal in Equestria since before Luna and I came into power," Celestia said.
"Yes, I know that. I know that Rarity and Rainbow Dash smoke weed from time to time to time, and I don't really have a problem when they do it, but shouldn't you three be setting an example for the public?"
Celestia was beginning to panic just a little. While she was expecting a less-than-optimal reaction from Twilight, she really wasn't expecting her to take her to task on this issue. Thankfully, Luna stepped in before Celestia had the opportunity to say anything stupid.
"And we do set an example when we're in public, but what we do behind closed doors is our business, not anyone else's, and since it's legal you can't say we're being hypocritical either," Luna said.
"Besides," Celestia added, "Shouldn't we be allowed to enjoy ourselves too from time to time."
"Not to mention there are much worse examples we could set for the general public," Cadence said, "Isn't that right, Nightmare Moon?"
"Hey, too soon," Luna said.
"Not soon enough," Cadence countered.
"I'm still not completely comfortable with this," Twilight said, but she joined the other alicorns in their little circle regardless. The only chairs in the entire room were bean bag chairs, which only furthered Twilight's apprehension, but she didn't want to upset Celestia so she would go along with whatever they had planned for now.
"So... what's with the chairs?" Twilight asked.
"I just thought the room needed a little change of pace," Luna said.
"She was too cheap to buy actual furniture," Cadence said.
"Now that's straight up bullshit," Luna retorted.
"Make yourself as comfortable as possible, Twilight," Celestia said, "And don't worry about the smell, you'll get used to it soon enough. In the meantime, would you like to take a hit?"
After finishing her hit, Luna magically floated the joint over to Twilight's face.
"Um..." Twilight began.
"I promise, Twilight, nothing bad will happen to you," Celestia said, "You can trust me."
"But something bad might happen to you if you don't toke," Luna said, "Nothing physical, you'll just look like a weenie. And you can trust me on that too."
"Peer pressure is awesome!" Cadence yelled.
"Actually, given the way Twilight views us," Celestia began, "This is probably less peer pressure and more authority pressure, if that's even a phrase, which would make it even more likely that- holy shit she actually did it!"
And almost immediately after Twilight stopped inhaling and the joint left her lips, she began coughing up a storm, leaving her to wonder whether or not it was worth it.
"I don't feel any different," Twilight said.
"Well, that would be because you only took one hit," Cadence said, "Even as a first time smoker, you need more then that in order to get high. But don't worry, I'm rolling the next spliff, and it's going to be way better than Celestia's crappy rolling."
"You know how I said you were a prick back when you first became a princess?" Celestia said, "I take it back, you're still a prick."
"Sticks and stones, princess. Hey, I just realized, we forgot to put on music."
"Oh hey, we did forget to do that," Luna said.
"Well, personally I don't think Luna should be allowed to choose," Celestia said, "Last time we let her pick the music, we got 12 hours of non-stop Kanye."
"What's wrong with Kanye?" Luna asked.
"Nothing, except that it got pretty repetitive after a while. I mean, I'm pretty sure I heard 'Gorgeous' about twenty times that night."
Luna grumbled, "Well, at least having a one artist playlist is better than having a million anonymous ones, Cadence. If we're talking about repetition, then I have to say that somewhere between Danny Brown and Young Jeezy the artists became pretty indistinguishable."
"Well, at least I like current music," Cadence said.
"Nothing against the current artists, but nothing beats the classics," Celestia said, "Wu-Tang, N.W.A, Rakim, Nas, early Jay-Z..."
"Whatever you say, grandma," Cadence said.
"Wait, why don't we let Twilight pick the music?" Luna said.
"Well, Twilight, I'm not too familiar with what you're listening nowadays, but I suppose that's fair," Celestia said, "Besides, how bad could it be?"
"So, Twilight, what do you want to listen to?" Luna asked.
Twilight paused for a minute, "Well..."
Can you take me higher
To a place, where blind men see
Can you take me higher
To a place with golden streets
"And we are never letting Twilight pick the music again," Cadence said.
"Agreed," the other alicorns save Twilight said in unison.
Despite Twilight's terrible taste in music, the four alicorns spent the next few hours in peace and harmony, smoking weed until Twilight was so stoned she could barely think, having a couple beers along the way (which didn't help the purple alicorn,) and generally just being peaceful. Then, everything changed when the ~~fire nation attacked~~ clock struck 9.
"Well, we probably should head out now," Celestia said, "It is 9, and we should get to Snowdrop's by a reasonable time."
"Wait, we're leaving," Twilight asked, "Why? It feels like I just entered my comfort zone."
"Your what?" Cadence asked.
"I don't really know," Twilight said, "I just feel peaceful right now. Hey Celestia, I just noticed that you're, like, way taller then everypony else. Is that because you're some kind of great historic monarch? If that's the case, why isn't Luna as tall as you are? Weird, isn't it?"
"Running through a forest?" Luna asked.
"Leave her alone," Celestia said, "She's gonna have enough problems tonight."
"How about the box?" Cadence asked.
"No, let's not do that either," Celestia said, "Although I do have to admit that would be hilarious."
"But seriously, why do we have to go?"
"Well, first of all," Luna said, "We already made plans to go out at night. I mean, if you think I'm spending my birthday cooped up in here... well, to be fair I did that last year, but at least then I had my XBox console with me."
"What happened to that, by the way?" Cadence asked.
"Shining Armor took it when you and him moved to the Crystal Empire," Luna said, "And every time I ask for it back he dodges the question."
"Yeah, he tends to do that," Cadence said, "Speaking of which, I wonder how he's doing now? He's probably absolutely miserable."
"Ah, this is the fucking life," Shining Armor said happily. He was relaxing in his hot tub, flanked on both sides by three mares each, with several expensive bottles of champagne at their disposal.
"I'm sure it is, Shiny," Trixie said, "It feels like it's been forever since we last saw each other."
"Yeah, sorry about that, but I can't always get away from my wife. Thank God she's on some business trip back in Canterlot, so we can have the night to ourselves. Well, ourselves plus five other girls."
"Other girls?" Lyra asked, "Is that how you think of us?"
"Of course not," Shining Armor said, "I love each and every one of you."
"Aw, he's so sweet," Fleur swooned, "Isn't he so sweet?"
The other girls nodded.
"Anyway, ladies, as much as I love the champagne, I'm thinking we move to something a little heavier," Shining Armor said, "What do you say?"
"What do you mean, heavier?" Colgate asked.
"You'll see," Shining said, "Hey, Julio! Bring out the coke!"
"I already told you, my name is Canvas," Shining's unicorn guard approached him angrily.
"Yes, and I already told you that I pay your salary, and as long as I'm paying your salary, your name is Julio. Now go bring me the coke, and I swear to Faust if any of it is missing I will rip your balls off and hang them from that little horn of yours. Understood?"
"Yes sir," Canvas sighed. God, I miss Sombra, he thought, Sure he raped me and brutally slaughtered my entire family, but at least he had the decency to get my name right. Unlike this Shining Asshole, who's only royalty because of the bitch he married in the first place.
Meanwhile, back in the hot tub, Chrysalis began moving closer to Shining Armor in order to tell him what she wanted to.
"You know, for a while there, I thought you hated me, what with you blasting me out of the kingdom and all, but I do really appreciate you coming back and saving me later."
Shining Armor smiled, "Don't mention it." He said.
"Oh, there has to be something I can do to make it up to you," Chrysalis said, "Actually, don't say anything, I already know what it is." And her head disappeared under the water.
"Funny," Shining Armor said, "Usually favors don't involve disappearing entirely. Unless you really hate the person... does Chrysalis think I hater her? And what if... oh... oh... oh you clever bitch."
"Ooh Chryssie, didn't think you had it in you," Trixie cooed.
"Well, considering all the holes in her body, she might literally not have it in her," "Fleur said.
"Fleur, I don't think you-"
"I understood perfectly."
Finally, the stallion Shining called Julio returned with the bags of coke.
"Well, that took fucking forever," Shining Armor said, "But at least all the shit appears to be here. Now go run along and play with all your spick friends before I make you suck my dick too."
"Shining, isn't that kinda incredibly offensive?" Lyra asked.
"Don't care, I'm the king," Shining Armor replied.
"Aren't you technically a prince?"
"Aren't you technically a hooker?"
"Escort."
"Same difference."
Shortly after Shining and his bitches began doing lines, Chrysalis had to come up for air.
"Sorry," she said blushing wildly, with one hoof still playing with his dick, "Ooh, is that cocaine! Awesome!"
"Tell all of Equestria, why don't you," Shining said, but Chrysalis left the job unfinished to go snort.
"Seriously, Chryssie?" Shining Asked, "Well... Applejack, you've already had a line or two, and I've heard you give great head, so why don't you finish what our ADD changeling friend over here apparently couldn't."
"Oh trust me Shiny," Applejack said, "By the time I'm done with you, you're gonna be seeing colors and calling me your mistress."
If only Twilight could see me now, she thought.
"Well, anyway," Luna said, "I was going to say that the second reason we're leaving is because even if I didn't want to leave, we kinda have to. Discord's having a booty call tonight, and you know how he gets sometimes."
"Who the fuck would want to have sex with Discord?" Cadence asked.
"Oh, you'd be surprised," Celestia said, cheeks getting redder by the second.
"You know, I could easily break out of these handcuffs at any time," Discord said, chuckling.
"Did I tell you that you could speak, pet?" He heard the voice of the mare teasing him reply.
"Excuse me?"
"I said, DID I TELL YOU THAT YOU COULD SPEAK!?"
Normally, Discord being the asshole that he is, he would play games with the lucky mare, leading her into thinking she was playing the dominant role, only to turn the tables and break her will once he got the opportunity. But this mare's voice, coupled with the intense glare she was giving him, was almost... scary? Surely Discord, Lord of Chaos, couldn't be intimidated by a-
"Yes, Mistress Fluttershy," Discord said.
"That's a good pet," Fluttershy said, "Now don't talk unless I tell you that you can open your mouth. Is that clear?"
"Yes," Discord said.
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, Mistress Fluttershy?"
"Good pet." Fluttershy said, while climbing across the draconequus' body and onto his face, "Now, pet, shut up and eat my pussy... I mean, if that's okay with you."
"So yeah, that's happening," Celestia said, "In the meantime, let's get out of here before Discord 'accidentally' turns the castle into a giant phallic symbol and we can only leave by... well, that."
Luna and Cadence quickly followed Celestia into the Canterlot Castle basement. Twilight was a little bit slower, but despite her inebriated state, managed to keep pace with the older alicorns, for the most part anyway.
"I just realized," Twilight said, "How are we going to get to this 'Snowdrop's?' I mean, wouldn't we be constantly spotted out in public, not to mention inside the actual place. How are we going to be discreet?"
"Well, you remember how a little while ago you went to that alternate universe?" Luna asked.
"Oh yeah, that was totally fucked up," Twilight laughed.
"Well, the three of us have also been there, but unlike you, we actually brought stuff back."
Twilight turned the corner to see a machine that she had never seen anything like before. It was black and sleek-looking, had four wheels at the bottom and a roof. The closest thing she could think of would be a carriage, but even that was a stretch to even make the comparison.
"What is that?" Twilight asked.
"In the human world, they call it a car," Luna said, "Or more specifically, an Aston Martin DB9."
"Woah," Twilight, in her stoned state, was apparently putting on her best Keanu Reeves impression.
"Yeah, awesome isn't it," Luna said.
"Although I don't see how it will make us blend in," Twilight said.
"Who said we need to do that? We're going clubbing in style."
Cadence and Twilight managed to fit their way into the back seat of the car. However, once they put the chairs back up, there was a problem.
"Hey, how come you get to drive?" Celestia asked.
"Because not only is it my birthday, but it's my car too," Luna said, "I paid a hefty price for this."
"No you didn't, you got a discount because you blew the salesman."
"Well, to be fair, I also gave him a handjob." Luna said.
Twilight's eyes widened, "Wait, so those weird little things we got at the end of our forehooves could be used for-"
"Yup," Luna said, "You never did that with Flash Sentry?"
"Hey!" Twilight said.
"But back to your point, Celestia, what you were up to on Earth was far more immoral than what I was doing anyhow. Isn't that right, Mrs. Grand Wizard?"
"Okay, in my defense," Celestia stammered, "I had no idea what the Klan was until after I joined."
"Then... why did you join?"
"I don't know, they looked cool!" Celestia said, "C'mon, can't you give a girl a break?"
"Our glorious leader, everypony," Cadence sighed.
"Like you could do any better," Celestia said.
"But I am. The Crystal Empire is at it's most prosperous since the reign of Princess Joy."
"Well, it's not like you had much competition," Celestia said, "After her was Sombra, who basically killed half the population, and then after that the place vanished for a millennium, so your competition is one of the most infamous tyrants in Equestrian history and total nonexistence."
"Every party needs a pooper," Cadence replied, "Don't be one tonight."
After incessant squabbling, Celestia finally agreed to get in the shotgun seat, while Luna sat behind the wheel.
"Are you sure you haven't had too much to drink, Luna?" Twilight asked.
"I'm fine Twilight," Luna said, "Go back to being high."
Luna started the car, opened the top, and tried to get a grasp on the steering wheel, (as it's a little harder without hands).
"So, how are you going to refill the tank?" Cadence asked.
Luna paused momentarily, unable to come up with an answer.
"Fuck you," She eventually replied, and floored the gas pedal.
