The Smoozian Empireby Stygian359ChaptersThe Grand City Of B0NERC1: The MODC2: The Boss PonyC3: The PadréInterlude 01C4: The Iron MongerC5: The Crime LordC6: The AstronomerInterlude 02The Grand City Of B0NERLet it be known to all, that when the skies blacken and the sun is eclipsed you will know we have come. When the Pool of Disaster is released none shall be spared and all will fall to the dominance of the Smoozian Empire! Though BONER is a small town now it will grow into a nation larger than any could ever imagine! Soon the Sisters who falsely rule will be removed! Equestria is ours... that is all! JR - founder of the Smoozian Empire and Mayor of BONER *** Introduction: The Grand City Of B0NER Shacks... that is what I remember when I first arrived in the town of B0NER, the squalid earth upon which I stood smelt as if it had been sown with shite... which wasn't far off from fact. The populace were little more than bedraggled slaves with the combined intellect of a dead parrot's left foot. I was a little disheartened to tell the truth, it became obvious to me that I was going to have to get my hands dirty if this was going to work, our valiant leader was far too busy making hits on supposed enemies of the Smoozian Empire... The Smoozian Alliance... The Anarchist State of B0NER... or whatever the Tartarus you want to bloody call it! Enemies... little more than annoying personages with even less brains than the combined intellect of our citizens. It wasn't long before I quickly established myself as the Minister of Defense by use of my common sense and of course my Brick. "Don't build the water pump beside the sewage ditch!" I had said, wielding my brick with a vengeance. "Mud is not an acceptable building material!" Ah yes... B0NER... it rains quite a lot here, that humid kind of rain that fills the nostrils like a plague and forges images of decay and disease in the mind. The landscape around the town is murky and brown, endless hills and a mountain with a permanent storm above it are what keeps us hidden from discovery just outside Equestria's borders. And don't forget the smell... never forget the smell... it took ages to get a public bath house installed, it's similar in construction to a sheep dip, we force the citizens in a single file line into the structure and dunk them under water with a long stick a few times until I'm satisfied the smell won't get too bad. However that doesn't prevent the other smell from making its presence known! Because of course the one thing about B0NER... and perhaps the only reason the Equestrian Army hasn't been ordered to wipe us out... is that hidden securely (in the shed behind our mayor's mansion) lies sleeping the eternal figure that is The Smooze! The Smooze... perhaps you do not know of the Smooze? Perhaps you have not heard the tales? Well Celestia has, in fact she's seen it, while watching the G1 MLP movie with her student. Yes the ponies treat it as a joke but what none know is that The Smooze is more than real, in fact its far more deadly than that movie could ever describe! If you want to know how then you should know that this decrepit hole we live in was once a scenic fertile valley untouched by anything... until the Smooze moved in of course. He didn't even have to touch anything as his very presence is a curse, cruelty and hate congeal into a sort of atmosphere that sucks up life leaving nothing but the faint hint of death and decay we have all come to know so well. Thankfully I'm immune because I'm a really unhealthy person anyway and have gotten used to toxic atmospheres. Try living in Trottingham's Industrial District for eleven years without venturing past the ten ton thick wall of smog that surrounds it! To be honest with you I had forgotten what the sun looked like... suffice to say its hurts my eyes now so I regret nothing. However that is not the point, the point goes further than that, since the day of its founding little has happened... although we do have a single tarmacked road now so... at least I can ride my motorbike. Author's Note ALL HAIL SMOOZE, coz if you don't he'll get mad... and if he gets mad he gets angry... and when he's angry he releases these shotgun like flares of gas... then everyone starts throwing up... Just hail the bloody Smooze Already! C1: The MODChapter One: The MOD Squelch, Squelch, Squelch... a cacophony of Squelches was the sound on everypony's mind, like an endless drone as the populace moved through the town. Everywhere you went the noise would follow you like one of those really warm wet farts that seem to stick to the clothes you wear. Oh yes indeed... But that was just something one got used to in this place, it had become a sort of theme music akin to Send in the Clowns. It was odd to think of it this way, perhaps it would have been better to say it was a heartbeat but to be honest it would surprise anyone to think this place even had a heart. It was a bleak morning, like any morning here! Near the edge of town by what some called the Training Ground, or the Murder Hole by others, a more than usual activity was taking place. The area was even more squalid for the fact that the lowest ranking dwelt there, the shacks were even more... shackie. "You!" He declared, his coat a very dark black grey and his mane and tail black. "Stand at attention or you'll get the brick again!" The new mare straightened, her fellow recruits standing to each side of her doing the same. The stallion stalked around the three new recruits with a merciless glint in his harsh blue eyes, his voice was course and rough definitely cockney in origin while being both brutally sharp and blunt. "This ain't some summer retreat for piss artists, this is the real deal! One wrong step and you could find yourself in a ditch without a decent burial! Get used to the idea that you're already dead maggots... or at the very least horribly mutilated! For here in B0NER we take no chances!" He had this habit of speaking in a near constant shout, his lips usually located a bear inch from a victim's ear. The recruits would have rolled their eyes at his obvious words but they were too rattled by the volume that exploded in their ears like an atomic bomb every time he spoke. "I ain't got time to hold your hoof when the war eventually comes so you better learn something quick or I'll deck ya one with mister brick here!" He held up the brick, they all looked to it wearily, it had become something akin to the grim reaper, already seven recruits had lost their lives to it, which explained why only three were alive. "Sir Yessir!!!" The three recruits chanted, nearby the already initiated watched the procession while drinking beer and eating potato chips from those non-biodegradable bags that littered the town. "Shuttup!" He snapped, his irises shrinking insanely. "I have no patience for scum like you, even mister brick here can't stand you!" He held up the brick once more. "Isn't that right?" "Yur damn right there Styg!" The dark colored pony's lips moved slightly as he mimed for the brick in a voice slightly higher in pitch but more slurred as if drunk. "I say get rid of them now, save the trouble!" "Sounds like a plan General Brick!" Stygian, the pony with the roar for a voice nodded. "But if I went round killing every one of these mugs we'd have no one left to hit in the future!" "Gosh! Yur right! Didn't think of that!!!" The Brick responded. "That's why I'm the Minister of Defense!" Stygin growled, his eyes returning to the recruits. The recruits had that worried grimace plastered on their faces that symbolized perfectly the fact that they stood now in the presence of a psychotic maniac with less heart than Hannibal the Cannibal on a stressful day. They managed to keep their cool however and keep their eyes fixed somewhere ahead of them. "Where was I?" Stygian muttered to himself. "Oh Yes!" He marched over to the tallest, who began to shake with some fear. Stygian stared down the recruit, it was something he did often, a character building activity he called it, or as every other pony called it Fear Tactics. Slowly and with meaning Stygian's left iris shrank more than the right. "I don't like you," He stated. "Yessir!" The massive stallion recruit squeaked. "Are you eyeballing me!?" "Nossir!" "Mister Brick doesn't like eyeballers!" The brick slowly rose into the recruits view, held aloft by a dark hoof. "In fact he takes affront to it." "Yur damn straight!" "Sorry Sir!" The recruit attempted. Stygian sighed and walked away to stand somewhat before them, muttering incoherently under his breath as he did. "Right!" he spun. "Tomorrow you'll be learning how to properly rig and attach a suicide vest to an unconscious pony... this is mandatory like any of our lessons and thankfully one of you has volunteered to be our guinea pig." The recruits looked at each other uncertainly, none had volunteered at all. "What are you all standing around for!" He snapped. "There's toilets to be cleaned!" With a groan they all saluted and left, ambling towards the public rest rooms. Stygian shook his head and groaned, he had little respect for these newbies, so young and soft. At least the majority of the army had a straight head on them being older and more grumpy... another way of saying they were banished war criminals. He nodded to one of his more able soldiers, who rolled his eyes and made to follow the young recruits to keep an eye on them. With that his Military job for the day was done, meaning it was time to go speak to the boss. "Sigh..." Stygian spoke with little enthusiasm. Author's Note Stygian is an OC character I designed both from many of my own personalities as well as this old sergeant I knew and met in a pub/bar (Crazy guy who liked to line up empty beer glasses and yell orders at them) C2: The Boss PonyChapter Two: The Boss Pony When one would walk up the slight incline following the path towards the Public Bath House, one would expect (following on from what we've seen of the place so far) that it would be a squalid ratty old building smelling of mildew and rust, however this was not the case. The benevolent leader of B0NER saw to the sanitary needs of his people, after having backed up the sewers for the twentieth time to save on waste costs, as such the people were blessed or so appearances could deceive. The structure was massive in size, so large it could easily be described as a mansion, compared to everything else the white marble structure was a breath of fresh air. The truth made more sense of course, inlaid with gold and silk wall hangings this structure was obviously not a 'public' bath house but rather the center of command for the secret organization that was the true anarchist state of B0NER, of course that completely defied the attitude of the free people of B0NER. Thus the sheep dip out back that we used to wash the peasants. "I would love another coffee thank you very much loyal adviser!" Jenkins grinned madly from his seat, holding up his mug in one hoof. "Of course! Anything for you sir!" "I'm loving the new cape by the way!" "Why thank you other loyal adviser!" Jenkins chuckled warmly, adjusting the position of his blood red cape slightly. "I thought this color would go wonderfully with my coat!" "Well it does!" "Suits you sir!" Stygian watched the display with a flat expression, sure he was used to their ruler by now, the fact he had worked with far worse was an understatement. Truth was he couldn't help but like Jenkins' style, he had that mad sort of expression that Stygian felt truly at home with, plus he did live like a king, sitting in what could only be described as a throne room talking to himself. He liked him, even if the current boss had multiple personalities and voices in his head... Stygian gave an awkward cough. Jenkins, a fellow Earth pony, was mid way through pouring himself another coffee when he took note of his dangerous Minister of Defense. When he did it took him a few moment to realize what was going on. "Hmm? Mmmk mmmk, its a pleasure to see you again Sty-Ji-An, what news today?" The icy blue eyed stallion frowned, that cold frown which he displayed whenever anyone got his name wrong. "Its pronounced Sti-Gee-An," Stygian corrected. "Or Stig, whatever you prefer." "Okay Styg!" Jenkins grinned, his eyes moving off in opposite direction and his mad smile returning. The young Stallion was tall with a saffron coat, black mane and tail and eyes that would alter color depending upon mood, orange when angry baby blue when happy. "What's on the agenda today?" Stygian once more had to lower the volume of his ears. Jenkins, their almighty and all powerful ruler had that exploding sort of voice too but in a far more cheerful manner. "Well... aside from losing another recruit I have a few issues that need to be recognized." "Oh?" Jenkins sipped from his coffee, tipping much of it onto his chest without even flinching from the sizzle it made on contact. "First..." Stygain began, lifting a long sheet of paper from out of nowhere and peering at it irritably. "The orphanages have declined our offer to take some youths off their hooves for our Work Program." "Work Program!?" Jenkins frowned, wiping the spilled liquid he had just noticed with a negligent hoof. "The slave labor thing," Stygian answered. "Ah yes that!" Jenkins gave a short laugh, he had thought that idea funny when he had first dreamed it up, turned out he was right. "Second... we have an issue with our arms dealer," Stygian sighed. "It seems he no longer accepts cabbages as a form of currency." "Aw shit," Jenkins moaned sadly. "Why not?" "He said he can't stand to eat another," Stygian answered. "Not just because he doesn't like them but the taste of petroleum is making both himself and his children sick." "That's no excuse!" Jenkins growled. "I demand he be punished for his crimes against our fair nation!" Stygian shrugged, he would just slip in and stab the poor arms dealer in his sleep. "Third, and perhaps the most important, we once again need another doctor." "Another One!!!" Jenkins exclaimed. "What happened to the last one!?" "Death by dysentery," Stygian answered with a frown. "The same as the last five." "Once more that's no excuse!" Jenkins snapped. "I demand he be made an example of!" "Shall I just hang his dead corpse over the gate like the others?" "Sure why not," Jenkins shrugged. "I leave that shit up to you." "Literally," Stygian muttered to himself. "If that's all boss, I have a date with a bottle of Applejack's Cider." "Actually..." Jenkins tapped a hoof to his chin. "...while you're here, I have need of you my loyal subject!" "Oh joy..." Stygian responded with a dull look. "I wish to get a report from my many citizens!" Jenkins continued with a wild look of absolute mirth. "And I have selected you, oh worthy Minister, to go listen to their complaints and tell them to fuck off and die!" "I see," Stygain nodded. Oh yes... and I would see, see exactly what I would be fighting for during the war for control over Equestria. I would have been better off if I had just moved in next door to Chrysalis... Author's Note Meet the new boss! Same as the old boss! B0NER! The one place in the pony world where you can throw up on the street and improve the smell! I love it here! So will you! JenkinsRevenge C3: The PadréChapter Three: The Padré First off, The Music Man Name: Erm... Music Man Species: Gryphon History: Born in one of those bloody Gryph cities, you know the kind; dusty and barbaric! The kind of place one would get drunk and wake up with a missing kidney. He had been raised in an anti magic religious commune with little to no media other than their bible. It wasn't until he discovered music that he went completely crazy and burned down his home. From there he had joined his people's army as one of those preachy types who read people their rites when they die. He left shortly after his first battle due to the terrible accident involving his commanding officer, during which Music Man had been present. As the only witness he had described it thus: "It was a tragic thing, one minute we were talking the next he had brutally and savagely accidentally disemboweled himself while shaving with my sword." And so the reason for his recruitment into the secret anarchist movement of B0NER. *** Stygian stood outside the temporary chapel, looking up at the damaged sign that revealed in large worn white letters 'XXX GOOD TYMES'. It was an old ancient building that had hastily been converted into something more religiousy however the owner of the establishment had been too lazy to get a step ladder and remove the big sign. Not many attended the services and those that did were either looking for a dark place to lay low or a place in which to get drunk and fall unconscious. It was the only church in B0NER and the religion was one that decried and damned the use of magic, though why that would make sense when he often hired magic users to help him do things was a mystery to all. Stygian saw Music Man as one of those racists who hung around with said hated race without actually realizing what they were. Well... the fact that most of the citizens of B0NER were Earth Pony there was at least some chance more would attend, though it had been hundreds of years since the Unicorn Oppression of the earth pony people it wasn't something to be soon forgotten. Stygian however liked magic, it was useful, it made big explosions and bright flashes of light. Which also explains his great love of explosives and high powered weaponry. Stygian entered the church with that creeping feeling of unease, he had never felt comfortable in churches it was as if the entire structure did not like his presence, he would perceive a sense much like the feeling a husband would feel whenever the mother in-law was around. It did not take long to locate the priest, hidden somewhere amongst the sodden snoring bodies of B0NER's more alcoholic residents and the damp smelling conditions of the run down once long ago brothel. The Gryphon snored himself, reeking of spirits and drooling somewhat from the corner of his mouth. He looked bedraggled and completely drunk or arse-faced as Stygian described it. Stygian had been in a similar situation before so he didn't bother to try and shake the drunk priest awake, instead he reached for the bottle clutched tightly in one the gryphon's claws. The chimera creature shot upright swinging a fist widely while yelling aloud. "Defiler!" It missed Stygian of course but managed to hit one of the other drunks who had sat up in shock from the noise. The said drunk collapsed immediately back onto his bench where he began to snore softly and murmur something unintelligible. The priest blinked several times as his mind took in the onrush of information that had just presented itself. "Urgh my head!" The gryphon groaned miserably, looking up to the rafters he declared, "Why!? Why did thou thinketh me worthy of such punishment?" "Seven bottles of scotch, two rum and a quart of vodka," Stygian answered with a bemused look of irritability. "Oh yeah..." Music Man chuckled. "I did drink all that didn't I." "Yes you did," Stygian grinned madly. "And the depot guy is pissed too, he was saving that scotch." "..." Music Man blinked, his once sharp golden eyes now bloodshot and bleary. He struggled to rise almost falling over a couple of times but finally he managed to drag himself up unto his paws, back cracking as he came to stand on the poor wooden planks that made up the floor. Stygian clucked his tongue, he was truly feeling his age this day, "If it makes you feel any better I'm here to hear your complaints." "Complaints?" Music Man frowned. Stygian looked up into the face of the gryphon, it was true Music Man was quite tall though not much taller than the earth pony, gryphons always had that size advantage. "Yes..." Stygian sighed. "Complaints." "Oh I see," Music Man considered the words, rubbing his forehead with four razor sharp talons. "Well... aside from all those blasted unicorns throwing their dratted magic everywhere, you really need to do something about that... and that bloody strip club that just opened down the street, everything's fine." "Really?" "Yeah," Music man shrugged. "I mean, there is an awful lack of sufficient booze around here." "Which reminds me," Stygian responded moving quickly, grabbing the clerical collar around Music Man's neck and pulling him down till their heads connected eye to eye. "Next time you go on a raid you invite me!" Music Man smiled awkwardly, he had met many peoples in his life and had torn apart quite a few of them for their threatening behavior yet there was something disconcerting about this specific pony... it probably had to do with the fact he always had an answer... he smelled of blood... he never slept... and he had the kind of eyes that belonged forever locked behind concrete walls and seven inches of bullet proof glass. Music Man ignored the sweat that began to roll down his back. "Sorry about that, we were in a rush." Stygian looked around at the church's clientele and sighed, releasing the gryphon. "Must have been quite the sermon." "Oh it was!" Music Man beamed. "I called upon one of my favorites! The Drake and the Willow, in which..." "Blah blah blah," Stygian cut him off quickly waving a negligent hoof. "If that's the case I'm gonna get out of here, looking at your flock I give it a few minutes before this room looks like a scene from the exorcist." "Now that you say it..." Music Man responded, beginning to heave. "Yeah goodbye," The earth pony answered making a quick trot for the exit. "Sorry... Bluuuuurghhh!" The projectile vomit sailed gracefully through the air, striking with all religious fervor upon the back of one suddenly irate black stallion. Stygian turned slowly, his eyes ablaze with the righteous force of damnation, vengeance written plainly in his face. There would be no mercy of course, he was far too proud to let this one slide, not again. Music Man grinned awkwardly once more, trying with all his might to hold in the next load of warm sick that threatened to break free from his beak. But its ejection was inevitable especially in the face of the chorus that followed, as by one the flock of Music Man's church abandoned their unconsciousness to explode wildly in every direction. It took some time for the madness to end and when it did our inquisitor was left standing in an entirely new color. Stygian turned to the priest with a look that could only be described as hostile. "I despise you." "I'm hating myself too right now..." The gryphon groaned, collapsing back onto his bench. Author's Note Excerpt from The Music Man's sermon: And the Drake said unto the Willow, "Fear not! For thou art just a tree!" And there was much rejoicing, and feasting on swallows, and marmosets, and stokes, and moorhens, and goats, and lambs, and more swallows, and the elusive giraffe of the Notre Planes of Zomerzet. And let all know this lesson; that when dragons smoke weed they do weird things, don't do drugs kids, do booze! Lots of them, then eat till you die... wait don't... this is meant to be a good story... oh blast, time to break into the store house for scotch again! The Music Man Interlude 01Interlude Zero One Stygian rejoiced as he finally broke off the last segment of dried up vomit that had formed to his body like armor plating. He had made use of a chisel to break off the large majority of it and finally he could continue the cleaning process, sure the lowest class of the growing town would have to suffer that once it hit their drinking water but then he lived further uphill, in a tent hidden within the branches of a tree. He was a paranoid schizophrenic, at least that's what the doctors had said when he was young... bastards were always out to get him! Which, along with the fact that he was a pathological psychopath, had not helped at all during his attempt to integrate into normal society. He had made use of the public trough in which they bathed the citizens by force once a week, he didn't want to sully his own lake so this was the best option available. "How goes it Stygiant!" A familiar voice called to him from above. Looking up the war pony scowled. "It's Stygian!" "Sorry..." JenkinsRevenge, their glorious leader actually managed to forge a look of apology. "Stygina... how goes your mission?" "I got sicked on by a bunch of hungover drunks," Stygian answered in a voice that spoke levels about how much that displeased him. Jenkins didn't even want to think about that image, though he couldn't help but give a snicker. "Sounds... unpleasant." "You think?" "So the missions going well then!" Jenkins was pleased. Stygian shook his head. "Hey boss... everyone else gets to make a complaint I was wondering if I do too?" Jenkins removed his attention from the dirt he had almost stepped onto and pulled back so as to circulate around while remaining solidly on the marble stairs leading to his palace. "Sorry what?" With a deep sigh the black coated stallion got to the point of the issue. "Look boss, I don't get paid enough for this..." "I pay you!?" Jenkins exclaimed in shock. Stygian frowned, he hated being interrupted. "I don't mind traipsing off on one of your murder sprees, in fact I love them..." "Who doesn't!" Jenkins smiled dreamily, a faraway look in his eyes. "...but I didn't sign up to get puked on by two percent of B0NER's population." "I wondered what that smell was," Jenkins nodded sympathetically. "I remember this rave I went to once, if I hadn't been as quick as I was and not used my ex-girlfriend as a shield I too would have suffered a similar fate." "I see why she became your ex," Stygian rolled his eyes. "Well yes," JR shrugged. "You're doing a marvelous job and I just want to say keep it up!" "Yes sir," Stygian muttered. "Thank you sir." "You're welcome!" Jenkins, king of B0NER beamed. "Be pleasant to the peasants that's what my adviser always says!" "When did you get an adviser?" Stygian asked, pausing in his dunks once more. "You met them this morning," Jenkins explained. Stygian gave Jenkins one of those slow nods that doctors give their mentally disturbed patients, as the memory of his leader speaking to himself surfaced like a missing moment of alcohol induced forgetfulness the minister of defense wondered if moving here was the right thing to do after all. "Very good sir," Stygian answered correctly. "I shall leave you to it!" Jenkins nodded as if he had benevolently granted his mercy upon something he had already forgotten about. Stygian watched Jenkins leave with a wistful expression, the lunatic reminded the old war pony of his third commanding officer, the one Stygian had allowed to live under the circumstance that Stygian had murdered his entire family and wanted the fool to live in eternal misery. He had perhaps gone too far that time... or was it not far enough? Stygian shrugged and continued his bath, he had time for such thoughts later. Author's Note DERP DERP DERP I LIKE A DA BATH HERP DERP! C4: The Iron MongerChapter Four: The Iron Monger Next is the one called Aristomache Name: Goddamit! I did it again!!! Species: Damned Pegasus... think they're so much better than us coz they can fly... History: Born in the industrial area of some place no one really cares about, raised in one of those weird looking floating construction yards that are now illegal due to pollution issues. He was basically raised on backwards science, whereas others were taught to improve upon design he was taught to make even more issues than were necessary. When he was twelve he became one of Equestria's most wanted due to the "accidental" nuking of Radishima during that whole war thing a few years back. It isn't that he's evil or cruel its just that he doesn't really think about things before detonating them or telling others his inventions are entirely safe. For some reason he doesn't understand the words 'no you cannot build that' or 'don't you think that's dangerous?' Whatever the case his troubles with creating mass pollution hardly mattered here so he was quickly snapped up by our recruiting agency, I remember 'recruiting' him myself with Mr Brick in fact. *** The foundry, hidden underneath the waterworks of B0NER, endlessly belching out smoke like a miasma from pits dotted on the surface of the town. The pollution created within the weapons facility would be enough to choke the life out of any wildlife had it not already been choked out by the mere presence of Smooze the almighty fart putty hidden in Mayor Jenkins' shed. Stygian had to follow the route leading through tunnels 'left' behind by the ancient and now extinct mole people of whom Jenkins had ordered be slaughtered when he had discovered the large deposits of metals hidden within the earth and stone beneath the town. They had not left the bodies of those poor people to rot however, the people of B0NER had after all been starving at the time and the mole people had actually tasted kind of like salami. Ponies didn't usually eat meat but then when one was starving one didn't complain about the food source. The old war pony realized of course that no matter what complaints the distant minded pegasus had Stygian would only ignore them based upon the fact the fecker could fly, which at the end of the day gave him an unfair advantage that definitely didn't give him any more rights than the average earth pony. Even so Stygian did respect the bombing of Radishima, though he had nothing against the populace he remembered seeing the blinding flash of painful light off the coast of Germaney during the war. It had been pretty, he had proposed to his first wife during the battle in which it had been detonated, which now that Stygian thought about it gave him another reason to despise the pegasus with a passion. She had turned out to be a real bitch! Then again she was a pegasus too and everypony knows what they're like during estrus. Quickly rubbing the old scar behind his left ear as a result of a carefully tossed plate he realized he had come to the end of the cave system. In fact he realized this most when he walked face first into the large metal doors that blocked the way into B0NER's secret weapons facility. Rubbing his face he lifted his free hoof and banged on the door three times. "Password?" A voice demanded from the other side. Stygian answered. "Open the door or I swear I'm going to eat you, kill you and wear your fur as a second coat during the next winter!" "That's not the password!" The voice complained. "Open the bloody door Aristomache or so help me Smooze I'll batter you sideways!!!" The door opened, separating into three parts that screeched their way into the frame that surrounded it, he had perhaps anticipated a blinding light to fly out from the cracks as the armored portal reveled the room beyond however all Stygian received was a barely flickering UV light hanging awkwardly from the ceiling. The room beyond was anything but improved since he had last seen it, in fact it had gotten worse. "Stygian!" Aristomache grinned. "So good to see you again!" Stygian eyed the pegasus with a flat stare, Aristomache was a young black coated stallion with grey stripes that from what he could guess had arrived as a result of one of his many botched experiments. He wore black and grey sheet layered armor with small near neon yellow gears on the boots as well as silver bladed coverings over his wings. His mane and tail were a mixture of grey and black too. His most distinguishing feature however had to be the long and luxurious aristocratic mustache he had planted above his lips. (Fake of course, the real one burned off years ago) Whatever the color of his eyes they were hidden behind thick goggles with large yellow rims, they were black tinted to the point nothing could see through unless they were hyper sensitive to the light, which under the circumstances made sense when one considered this pony made his living making and testing nuclear weapons. They were also made for welding, which explained the welder in his left hoof. Stygian had never seen the pony take them off, in fact the day he had arrived he had hissed at the sun like a vampire and shielded the lenses covering his eyes with a foreleg. Stygian remarked upon the fact that this pony requested assistants often and managed to get every single one he received killed within the hour, it had become an art form. "It's... nice... to see you too Aristomache," Stygian lied, he hated everyone so any interaction other than blind violence caused issues in his mind. "I suppose you know why I'm here?" The scientist shook his head, throwing the welder over a shoulder. "No, why are you here?" "No reason!" Stygian smiled, turning on his hooves to make his escape. "Perfect! I could use a hoof!" Aristomache spun and began walking towards his lab. Stygian growled menacingly and made to follow, hanging his head somewhat, he knew this was going to end in pain. The journey was short considering the subtle size of the factory beneath the town, the mad inventor led Stygian to a large device of some kind, wide and round with multiple moving parts and a massive cog in the center. "May I present to you..." The pegasus began, raising a hoof to present said item grandly. "The... the... the thing I invented yesterday!" Stygian looked it over, all he could say about it was that it looked like a machine, the function of the device entirely unknown to the earth pony who had a way of guessing what things did. "Very nice, what does it do?" "Yes well," Aristomache smiled madly. "I guess we'll have to turn it on to find out." Stygian blinked, though each eyelid failed to meet in synchronization. "You built something and you don't know what it does?" "Not really no." "Not really?" "Okay..."Aristomache admitted. "Not at all." "Oh joy," Stygian groaned. "Look before this goes on I have to ask... do you have any complaints?" "Complaints?" Aristomache frowned. "No... not really... I mean, I could always do with some more assistants." "What's the point?" Stygian demanded. "You keep getting them killed!" "Yeah," Aristomache grinned proudly. "I do don't I... now come along, just hold that lever over there." Stygian went to do so, rolling his eyes as he did, lifting onto his hind legs he took hold of the large lever in his forelegs and pulled against it, seeing the catch lock that would release once the process began. Aristomache plugged a few smaller devices into the machine and gave a wide smile. "Well... no rest for the wicked!" He moved to the control panel with the proud look all genius madponies had when about to make a discovery. "Let this day be remembered as the day when all things came to pass!" "What the hell was the speech for?" Stygian growled, tired of this nonsense already. "In case the device does something remarkable," He answered, activating the machine, which began to hum dangerously. "I'm not going to remember it," The earth pony muttered as he looked over the almost spherical object before them, suddenly he froze. "Wait," Stygian frowned, holding the now vibrating lever in place resiliently and taking note of something that suspiciously reminded him of something he had mentioned to the crazy inventor one drunken afternoon. "Is that a mass intake valve?" "Probably," Aristomache shrugged, lifting a hoof over the panel. "Here we go!" "No Wait!!!" Stygian would never exactly recall what happened after the pegasus smashed his hoof against the panel, however he did recall dragging the lunatic out with him through the tunnels. When they finally escaped the ensuing onrush of endless choking smoke it became obvious that all they were really doing was leaving one poisonous atmosphere and entering another. This one, though foul in smell, was infinitely better considering it provided some oxygen to the lungs. After Aristomache's fit of coughing had passed he looked up to see Stygian smoking a cigarette as calm as day. "Ah yes... a pollution bomb... utter genius!" "Yes..." Stygian frowned. "It would work beautifully as a weapon!" Aristomache burst from the ground shaking off the mire that coated his body in an instant. "I must document of this and send my report to Jenkins immediately!" Stygian watched him bolt in the direction of the town center, barely keeping his tattered patience in check. "Once again I find myself covered in shit..." he growled to himself, his left eye twitching dangerously and the globules of solid pollution dripping from his body, "I'm beginning to hate my job, yes I am!" Author's Note Whosa loony? Youra loony! I'ma loony too! Woony Loony Time! But no seriously, this will not be the last time this pony causes me trouble! Aristomache C5: The Crime LordChapter Five: The Crime Lord Now to the interesting; Clown Prince of Crime! Name: The Joker, The Clown, The... you bloody get it!!! Species: Earth Pony History: Its funny how the large majority of his records are lists of the Psycho Wards he's been locked up in. It starts off with a school trip he took as a foal, one in which he poisoned all the other school children with a psychotropic concoction of his own make. The victims suffered immensely by Laughing Themselves to Death. The intended suicide however backfired and he became infused by his own poison, quickly becoming what we all know and love today. Since then his sprees of madness and endless crimes have become the stuff of legend. He made a name for himself in large gangs as an assassin, utilizing a disguise to hide his true identity, even so it wouldn't be long until he would lose the plot again and kill all his bosses. As he matured he became the criminal mastermind and though his plots usually fail he always has a backup plan that succeeds in someway, causing untold damage and ending many innocent lives. Other than that he's partial to a sandwich every now and then. *** Feeling rather down after his second cleanup Stygian moped towards his next destination with a growing dread... it wasn't that he disliked the next resident of B0NER it was just that he was absolutely sure this would end in a similar way to the two times before. Yes indeed, the Clown Prince Of Crime was the sort to usually keep horrible nasty tricks lying in wait for anypony foolish enough to arrive unawares. Sure the war pony knew how to evade traps like no one else but this was an extenuating circumstance, this Joker had a habit of detonating them even while he himself was in proximity. There would be no warning either, or reason as to why, perhaps his hoof slipped, perhaps he sneezed, perhaps a troll face appeared in his mind and the many voices egged him on to do it. Whatever the case Stygian was on his way then and there, to the only place the psycho could be... he was the old kind of crime thinker so he would inevitably choose only one place as his residence. There were not many buildings that could offer Clown the privacy and dankness he required. That was why he made use of the warehouse that had been hastily built by the team of Thugs he kept around him at all times. It was a squalid building, made mainly of the rotten and broken wood left around, the few walls made of brick were poorly constructed and already cracking. Then again what did you expect from a bunch of brain dead morons who could not even remember their names and so relied instead upon a number system to differentiate themselves from the others. Clown was a mad pony, thus when Stygian carefully kicked open the door and rolled in he was treated to a spectacle that made his mane stand on end. Clown was a tall sleek bastard with a near black green mane and tail, both of which were short and neatly gelled. His eyes where pinpoint in size and pure black, the whites that surrounded them an unhealthy yellow... the years of drug and alcohol abuse had not been kind. His coat was a white so pale it looked diseased and he wore a pristine white shirt with a bright purple suit jacket over it. Strangely though this psychopath was a neat freak when concerning himself everything else around him however was far from similar. But that wasn't the first thing ponies noted with this pony, oh no! The obtrusive and off putting smile was the first thing anypony saw and quite often the last. It was truly massive, a mad grin that was all yellow teeth and cheeks stretched to their limits. The treatment Stygian now endured was only worsened by that smile. "I'm Mister White Clown!" Clown sung, his voice oddly catchy. "I'm Mister J! I'm Mister Stab You In The Back, I'm Mister Six Feet Below! Friends will call me The Joker And Madness Follows Me Wherever I go! The manic pony was dancing, with a cane... Four Thugs followed suit, singing a chorus as they danced in order to the criminal mastermind. "He's Mister White Clown..." They sung. "He's Mister J, He's Mister Sell Your Mother, Around Him Ponies Tend To Drown!" "Friends call me The Joker! There Is No Low I Can't Go! Ponies Tend To Bleed At My Touch I Guess I'm Just Too Much!" Stygian was leaning backwards sitting on his rump, his face was panicked and desperate, he wanted this mental torture to end now before his mind exploded from sheer despair. "I never want to know a body that's over Thirty Degrees, I'd rather have it Twenty, then Ten, then Five, then let em freeze!" "He's Mister White Clown, He's Mister J, He's Mister Cut You Up, Leaves You Six Feet Bel..." "Whoa, Woe, Wow!" The Clown Prince of Crime halted the music, somehow ending it on the rhyme. His eyes focused on the black earth pony who sat with an expression of sheer horror on his face. "Err... Stygian..." He grimaced, then rallied, turning it all into on big joke. "What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?" The terminology 'girl' made him snap. "Cut the crap!" Stygian growled. "I never want to see anything like that again!!!" "You should really announce yourself before you barge in then," He grinned, as he always did. "I despise singing and dancing!" Stygian yelled. "You do know that sort of thing is outlawed... now that I say that I realize how stupid I sound." "Oh come on it wasn't that bad!" Clown frowned, though he still smiled. "Please!" Stygian snorted and rolled his eyes. "The tune needs work and personally I thought the lyrics sucked!" Clown shrugged, throwing his cane to one of the thugs, number twelve written on his wooly jumper.. "Well you can't please everypony!" The psychotic pony chuckled, leaping of the impromptu stage and landing before the other eye twitching psychopath. "What can I do for you this fine evening?" Stygian released a long drawn out sigh. "Well..." he began but paused as he took note of the activity to his left. "Hey... are those..." "No not at all!" Clown laughed waving a hoof to the two thugs carrying the missile in question. "Where would I have gotten a nuclear weapon at this time of the year!?" The two thugs blushed and tried unsuccessfully to stand in front of the questionable object. "Aristomache reported a few missing last week," Stygian responded with a flat expression. "What did I tell you about doing that?" "Erm...?" Clown thought about it. *** "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!" Clown answered to the poor victim in the well. "But I..." The victim began, with no clue as to where the lotion was or if it would be provided. "Put the lotion in the fecking basket!" Stygian yelled into the well. *** "Uh uh!" Stygian growled, clapping his hooves together. "Wrong memory!" "Hmm..." Clown thought about it once more. *** "Fava Beans and a nice Chianti! Ffffufff ffuff ffuff ffuff ffuff," A drunk Stygian began. A drunk Clown continued it. "Ffuff ffuff ffuff ffuff..." *** "No," Stygian facehoofed. "Not the time we had a Ffuff Off either." "Let me try again!" Clown demanded waving an impatient hoof, eyes squinting with some mental process. *** They wheeled the mare tied to the post up to Mayor Jenkins and in a proud voice Clown declared. "We found a witch can we burn her?" "BUUUUUURN HER!" Stygian agreed standong beside him with a pitchfork. *** "Okay," Stygian stopped him, "You're way off now, you could have at least picked a memory where neither of us were drunk... you know what? Lets just move on, I saw nothing." "Wonderful!" Clown smirked. "I always love it when you turn a blind eye!" "You've done it for me often enough," Stygian sighed desperately. "Look, I'm here to ask you if you have any complaints?" "Well!!!" Clown began, his chest puffing as he took in a massive lungful of air. "Now that you ask I want you to know that there is an appalling lack of any law enforcement around here! Why, only the other day I saw myself literally mugging an elderly mare in broad daylight without a single pony trying to stop me! It was despicable!" Stygian nodded to himself. "So basically you want somepony to try and stop you so you can kill them." "That is the long and short of it, you know me so well!" Clown nodded with a glitter in his mad beady eyes. "Also there's a profound lack of decent booze around here." "Yes I know," Stygian groaned and nodded, then returned with; "But you're the criminal, Import it yourself!" "That sounds like a lot of work..." Clown muttered. "You're selling nukes to the gryphons," Stygian answered with another of his glorious flat looks. "Correction: You're selling faulty nukes to the gryphons." "You do have a point," Clown shrugged with a laugh. Stygian felt satisfied, this one had at least gone well. "By the way... what's up with the singing anyway?" Clown grinned wildly. "I plan to use this new found power to drive the next hero who tries to stop me insane!" Stygian shuddered. "You fiend!" "I know," Clown sighed happily. "Oh... by the way... Now Thug Number Twenty Three!!!" "Duh?" The thug with the number twenty three on his jumper froze, his look of stupidity truly profound. "The bucket you fool!" Clown slapped a hoof over his eyes. The thug charged forward, bucket in hoof... and neatly tumbled into a ball, the contents of his bucket flying gracefully through the air. SPLAT! There was a moments silence as things calmed down. "Well that didn't go according to plan," Stygian answered, completely clean. "He's new," Clown sighed dripping entirely with motor oil that now drenched his body, he pulled out a pistol and shot the Thug dead. "I'm gonna go," Stygian turned to leave. "Let you get cleaned up." "I'd appreciate that..." Clown nodded gratefully. "I have another victim in the well by the way, if you want to come around later and shout random nonsense at him for a few hours." "I'll bring the rum!" Stygian grinned. Author's Note I love this lunatic! Clown Prince Of Crime Also here is the song reference for his... song, a request of his for the story: Snow Miser C6: The AstronomerChapter Six: The Astronomer Ah yes The Accursed... Name: Accursed One... they must have been some nice parents. Species: Dick Hea... Unicorn History: A young prodigy who found himself born into a society of scientists, the crazy kind who created mad devices and underwent insane projects. They were shut down after somehow detonating an entire field with a thimble full of nitro glycerine... lunatics see. Anyway, he was admitted into the Canterlot University at the age of sixteen and passed every course, study and test he was ever given with flying colors. His main studies are Dimensional Theory, Radiation Fields and for some reason he specializes in Astronomy... Why is a mystery, his mind was considered so large that it was believed it would burst should anyone speak to him for too long and yet he decided to spend his life looking up at the stars. Then again he was banned from creating any kind of laser system due to the fact he kept taking pot shots at space every time he saw something odd in his telescope. Oh yeah... said telescope he brought with him when he moved here. After all... B0NER is of course the place to go to continue experiments long after their legal capacity has been met. *** 'Oh may as well while I'm here...' Stygian thought to himself as he made a slight detour on the way to the Jenkins' shed on the other side of town, said detour would take him to the center of town. It was an interesting place to say the least, most tended to avoid it due to the nature of the inhabitants who frequented it. It had been the site of most of B0NER's stabbings since the arrival of the anarchist movement, for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. Even from the farthest reaches of the town's surface could one see what lay there, where one pony had set up shop almost immediately after arriving... though where else he could go was a mystery. The massive dome that opened in a single slit to reveal the inner workings of a thing that had become an oddity around here. It was the site of the Astronomy Department in B0NER, unlike any other department this one required only one operative, a certain stallion called Accursed One. He was a light green unicorn of average build, a silver mane that was quite frankly a mess... but then he was a scientist... and a strange far off look to his eyes. The mark upon his butt cheeks was an asteroid, but not just an asteroid, an asteroid with an atom in the center. If anything that should have been a sign, the stallion had already been warned multiple time about using his gravitational array, a thing used to bring down asteroids so as he could study them... as such the outskirts of B0NER as well as a few buildings on the inside, had been forever scarred by pockmarks and holes. Stygian came to the entrance of the dome Observatory that swiveled so as to explore the night sky. There was a door with a security system and Stygian gained access by punching it, not much of a password but then it had never really worked, not since some Clown came along looking for something to steal. Of course there was nothing, only the telescope... and one would need to bring some massive flying vehicle to lift it. Accursed had managed to bribe a dragon into doing it for him, how the unsung genius did that Stygian did not know, it seemed to be a secret Accursed held close to his heart and locked behind a metaphorical door welded shut and then drowned in concrete... which reminded the old war pony, he needed to purchase (steal) a jackhammer sometime. "Hello?" Stygian called out into the dark of the structure as he entered, the only light available from two poor neon lights and the open hatch where the telescope jutted out aggressively. "Did you know," A voice replied. "That stars don't actually twinkle? Its just an effect of the many layers of our world's atmosphere." "Yes I did," Stygian answered, looking up at the green stallion with a plain look. "Get down here I need to speak to you." The unicorn, located above on a walkway, jumped over the side in a swan dive, one that was ruined when his lab coat caught on a loose bolt. "Fffffffuuuuuuuuu...!" He began before meeting the ground face first. "Yeah." Stygian replied. "Gravity is a bitch like that." "Indeed!" Accursed rose almost instantly to a stand. "And I see you're your normal self today Stygian." "Normal?" Stygian frowned, the word an insult to him even in description. "Grumpy and annoyed." Accursed smiled. "Now... what do you want, I'm a very busy stallion and must get back to work." Stygian frowned and his ears flattened, he hated to be rushed even when it was his plan to do so anyway, contradictory no? "I was sent by Jenkins to see if you had any complaints." "I'm glad you asked," Accursed nodded happily. "I do indeed wish to make a complaint, concerning all the complaints I have made which have been savagely ignored time and time again!" There was a moments pause as Stygian blinked repeatedly. It took everything in the Minister's power to not laugh outright into Accursed's face. "I see... I'll be sure to make people aware of that." "Very good." Accursed gave a nod. "At least somepony cares about the needs of others here." "Yes..." Stygian had to cough that time. "Well then I'll be off..." "Did you know that stars are black bodies?" Accursed began. "I did," Stygian sighed, beginning to look over the massive telescope to kill some time. Accursed however was not one to be deterred, he was the kind of stallion that would lock jaw on a wrist like a rabid Diamond Dog just to prove a point. "A black body is an object that absorbs one hundred percent of all electromagnetic radiation that falls on it. "Yes well..." Stygian rolled his eyes a looked over the massive telescope. It wasn't standard by any measure, being pure white with some black lines that made it look like some kind of cannon on a spaceship... "What are those?" He asked suddenly. Accursed blinked in confusion and looked up to the objects on the telescope that Stygian pointed to with a fore hoof. "What? That? Don't worry about that," He shrugged moving away hurriedly. "Is this..." Stygian growled. "Is this a Death Ray?" "No!" Accursed humphed, then frowned suspiciously. "How did you know, are you spying on me!?" Stygian snorted. "Please, I worked with Cobra a while back I think I know what a Death Ray is." "Cobra!?" Accursed gasped with astonishment. "You worked with Cobra?" Stygian ignored the question, the last thing he wanted to remember was all that nonsense, the endless failures and that Cobra Commander idiot who thought just because he was a unicorn and could scream demands at a pitch high enough to shatter eardrums that he couldn't be beaten. That was a strange year indeed, those Joe ponies were a bunch of lunatics throwing explosives around all the time with no care for civilian safety. "What is this aimed at?" Stygian asked. "The moon," Accursed answered honestly, proudly in fact. "I see," Stygian nodded slowly, allowing this news to sink in. "And why exactly is it aimed at the moon?" "Because that's where Luna will strike!" Accursed declared. "And of course its where the aliens live." "Aliens?" Stygian nodded rubbing his jaw. "Where exactly did you get that information?" "Mayor Jenkins expressed concern about the potential dangers the moon could hold!" Accursed informed the grumpy psychopath. "Its in the interest of B0NER to keep the moon suspect for multiple attacks!" Ah... of course... Jenkins.... "And he asked you to do this, did he?" Stygian queried with an odd expression. Accursed blushed somewhat and pulled at the collar of his lab coat. "Err... no..." "Hmm..." Stygian considered the situation, there were many things he could do here, many avenues available to him... he could yell and beat Accursed senseless, he could demand he take the Death Ray apart... then again there was Option G. "Say... you're worried about an attack from the moon right?" "Yes!" Accursed nodded emphatically. "I mean look at it!" He pointed with a hoof. "Its just sitting up there... being all menacing and what not... it needs to be dealt with!" "I agree with you," Stygian nodded solemnly. "You do?" Accursed frowned in confusion, then recovered. "I mean, you do! Excellent, then we can..." "But I do have one question," Stygian interrupted him. Accursed paused. "I... okay, shoot away." Stygian smiled. "The moon is Luna's realm correct?" "Correct." "And Luna is a powerful enemy correct?" "Correct." "But as we all know Celestia is more powerful than Luna, correct?" "Indeed." "And Celestia's realm is the sun..." "..." Stygian's smile became satisfied. "You get my point then." Accursed's mind was fizzling, Stygian could tell this by the way his irises were shaking and his ears flapped wildly as if he were signalling a squadron of pegasi to land. "I... You... Oh my! You are completely correct!" Accursed leaped for the controls of his telescope and began adding co-ordinates. "For all we know when the sun rises a strike force could be on their way to destroy us!" "A strike force of fiery monster aliens right?" Stygian raised a brow. "Could be!" "So... same plan as before?" Stygian asked. "But this time destroy the sun right?" Accursed growled an affirmative. "If they attack yes! Nothing could be a better deterrent than destroying the place where they came from!" Stygian shook his head, Accursed was once a great stallion of knowledge, now its seemed he pulled his ideas out from cereal boxes. "Just one thing..." "What!?" Accursed demanded irritably, turning from his work to stare at Stygian grumpily. Stygian activated his straight face, so as not to give his game away. "That Death Ray is too small." Accursed froze... "Oh... My... Stars!" The astronomer exploded. "You're right! We're entirely unprepared for a solar attack!" Accursed began bolting down the street, his direction a wide circle that just repeated over and over again. "I need parts! Quickly, someone get me some Red Matter!!!" It was a way to advertise Stygian supposed. Author's Note Mad Ponies... Mad Ponies Everywhere. The Accursed One Interlude 02Interlude Zero Two It was time for a break, once again he felt his life had suddenly been filled with the breathing of other creatures... it was cloying, like the smell of one's own unwashed groin slowly wafting upwards to one's nose, thus the reason for Stygian's current location. There was only one place in B0NER where Stygian could find peace from both the smell and proximity of others. The Smooze chamber... built inside the Mayor's massive factory like shed. You had to take a lift down to get to the chamber, the security systems were highly dangerous to both intruders and those with authority due to the fact nothing ever really worked in the town, the chances were fifty fifty that he may be blinded by the retinal scanner every time he used it. Truth was a child could make his way down here if he waved a hood in front of it, it was poorly aligned. The chamber was massive, the air toxic and filled with a strange purple aura that reminded Stygian of his old home in the city of Trottingham, that place had been rusty too. Though many could say he was escaping one smell just to be plagued by another he viewed it thus: Shut up! Buck off! There were catwalks that made up the top half of the room while below was what many called... The Tub. It was where the smooze was located and where many believed he slept, though Stygian and a few others knew the truth, the Smooze like many of B0NER's residents never slept and instead occupied his time endlessly playing pong on his Gamecolt. The massive blob of goo was invisible from where he stood but he knew enough to be happy about that. Below he could hear the soft rumbling of deep bass laughter that was almost childlike as the Smooze once again managed to bounce the pixel ball off his pixel bar and return it to the game controlled rival. Stygian rolled his eyes, it wasn't that he hated the Smooze, in fact he kinda liked him, it had been the old warpony himself who had dropped the small hand held game console into the pool (after getting it thoroughly Smooze Proofed by the lab boys in the defense department) PANG! Stygian had rolled by instinct alone as the bullet sailed directly towards his head, the small metal object ricocheted off the wall and flew off into the distance. The MOD would have snarled and charged for combat if not for the fact his roll has carried him into a spill of Smooze that sent him sailing over the edge of the walkway. "Halt Who Goes There!" An unmistakable voice demanded as Stygian slowly fell to the tub. "DAAAAMN YOU JENKINS!!!" SPLAT! That was perhaps the best way to describe the occurrence as the war vet broke the surface, the Smooze taking his time to notice so engrossed in his game. Stygian wasn't a good swimmer but luckily the Smooze was thick enough to crawl out of so long as he wasn't dragging you deeper inside. He began kicking, rage filling his eyes, there would be hell to pay and no mistaking that! Drawn to the strange feeling of something moving his innards many eyes inside the liquid mass swiveled in an instant sudden movement to all stare at Stygian with surprise. "Crap!" Stygian managed to make himself heard even with his mouth filled with Smooze. The struggle began, as almost solid tentacles began to form to drag the earth pony deeper into the depths, the terrible taste of it filling the stallions mouth like a rancid MacDonald's milkshake on a hot dry summer's morning after. The eyes watched Stygian as he breached the surface with all the might of a thousand disgruntled postal workers with machine guns. "Damn it you toxic grape drank! Gettoff me now or no more games for you!!!" The black pony roared kicking and punching anything that tried to latch on. His cry of rage had some effect, the Smooze found it difficult to differentiate ponies as his senses were all muddled by the color purple. It didn't speak but upon realizing what had landed inside of it the Smooze reacted physically instead. On a hot stream of what could be called vomit the Smooze ejected Stygian from its presence without hesitation... After all who knew where that crazy maniac had been!!! Sailing through the air the black maned stallion began to imagine a thousand different ways to kill a certain leader that had caused another messy situation for him, it was as if Jenkins followed him everywhere setting off booby traps lined with something disgusting and foul. Somehow he found himself headed towards a railing and the safety of another walkway and yet like an episode of the Simpsons Stygian knew he would not reach it in time. Scrabbling madly in the air he tried to grab hold of something, anything! Just to at least slow his descent enough so as not to crash with a bone breaking result against a wall. A length of electrical cable appeared in his path and he grabbed hold of it, his momentum carrying him forward and up into the bottom of the walkway face first. "Phwas broody nough!!!" He declared sneezing. Slowly his wild swings lessened to a gentle sway, looking up the crazed lunatic looking into the eyes of another crazed lunatic. "Hey Styg!" He greeted. "Pull me up Jenkins," Stygian supplied menacingly. Jenkins considered the request, griping hold of the cable he had lowered with both hooves, a pale white sniper rifle strapped around his back by his shoulder, underneath his luxurious cape of course he wasn't a complete fool! "Hmm? You know, I don't think I will." "Why not?" "Because I get the feeling you wish me some physical violence right now." "No I do not." Jenkins nodded sagely. "Mmk mmk... then why did you say that through gritted teeth?" "..." Jenkins tied the length of cable to the railing attached to the walkway and grinned. "So... I'm going to leave you here till you calm down a bit and go get myself a coffee... kay?" Stygian, who had yet to blink and stared up at his boss with burning bloodshot eyes said nothing, instead he began to climb, using only his forelegs with hind legs angled outwards in a display of strength, everything about his movements quick and controlled. Jenkins noticed this and gave a nervous laugh. "So uh... try to have fun I'll catch you later!" The golden coated stallion bolted with his red cape streaming behind him... and not a moment too soon for black death was up and on the walkway giving chase soon after. Author's Note Eww, I stood in a smooze!
The Grand City Of B0NERLet it be known to all, that when the skies blacken and the sun is eclipsed you will know we have come. When the Pool of Disaster is released none shall be spared and all will fall to the dominance of the Smoozian Empire! Though BONER is a small town now it will grow into a nation larger than any could ever imagine! Soon the Sisters who falsely rule will be removed! Equestria is ours... that is all! JR - founder of the Smoozian Empire and Mayor of BONER *** Introduction: The Grand City Of B0NER Shacks... that is what I remember when I first arrived in the town of B0NER, the squalid earth upon which I stood smelt as if it had been sown with shite... which wasn't far off from fact. The populace were little more than bedraggled slaves with the combined intellect of a dead parrot's left foot. I was a little disheartened to tell the truth, it became obvious to me that I was going to have to get my hands dirty if this was going to work, our valiant leader was far too busy making hits on supposed enemies of the Smoozian Empire... The Smoozian Alliance... The Anarchist State of B0NER... or whatever the Tartarus you want to bloody call it! Enemies... little more than annoying personages with even less brains than the combined intellect of our citizens. It wasn't long before I quickly established myself as the Minister of Defense by use of my common sense and of course my Brick. "Don't build the water pump beside the sewage ditch!" I had said, wielding my brick with a vengeance. "Mud is not an acceptable building material!" Ah yes... B0NER... it rains quite a lot here, that humid kind of rain that fills the nostrils like a plague and forges images of decay and disease in the mind. The landscape around the town is murky and brown, endless hills and a mountain with a permanent storm above it are what keeps us hidden from discovery just outside Equestria's borders. And don't forget the smell... never forget the smell... it took ages to get a public bath house installed, it's similar in construction to a sheep dip, we force the citizens in a single file line into the structure and dunk them under water with a long stick a few times until I'm satisfied the smell won't get too bad. However that doesn't prevent the other smell from making its presence known! Because of course the one thing about B0NER... and perhaps the only reason the Equestrian Army hasn't been ordered to wipe us out... is that hidden securely (in the shed behind our mayor's mansion) lies sleeping the eternal figure that is The Smooze! The Smooze... perhaps you do not know of the Smooze? Perhaps you have not heard the tales? Well Celestia has, in fact she's seen it, while watching the G1 MLP movie with her student. Yes the ponies treat it as a joke but what none know is that The Smooze is more than real, in fact its far more deadly than that movie could ever describe! If you want to know how then you should know that this decrepit hole we live in was once a scenic fertile valley untouched by anything... until the Smooze moved in of course. He didn't even have to touch anything as his very presence is a curse, cruelty and hate congeal into a sort of atmosphere that sucks up life leaving nothing but the faint hint of death and decay we have all come to know so well. Thankfully I'm immune because I'm a really unhealthy person anyway and have gotten used to toxic atmospheres. Try living in Trottingham's Industrial District for eleven years without venturing past the ten ton thick wall of smog that surrounds it! To be honest with you I had forgotten what the sun looked like... suffice to say its hurts my eyes now so I regret nothing. However that is not the point, the point goes further than that, since the day of its founding little has happened... although we do have a single tarmacked road now so... at least I can ride my motorbike. Author's Note ALL HAIL SMOOZE, coz if you don't he'll get mad... and if he gets mad he gets angry... and when he's angry he releases these shotgun like flares of gas... then everyone starts throwing up... Just hail the bloody Smooze Already!
C1: The MODChapter One: The MOD Squelch, Squelch, Squelch... a cacophony of Squelches was the sound on everypony's mind, like an endless drone as the populace moved through the town. Everywhere you went the noise would follow you like one of those really warm wet farts that seem to stick to the clothes you wear. Oh yes indeed... But that was just something one got used to in this place, it had become a sort of theme music akin to Send in the Clowns. It was odd to think of it this way, perhaps it would have been better to say it was a heartbeat but to be honest it would surprise anyone to think this place even had a heart. It was a bleak morning, like any morning here! Near the edge of town by what some called the Training Ground, or the Murder Hole by others, a more than usual activity was taking place. The area was even more squalid for the fact that the lowest ranking dwelt there, the shacks were even more... shackie. "You!" He declared, his coat a very dark black grey and his mane and tail black. "Stand at attention or you'll get the brick again!" The new mare straightened, her fellow recruits standing to each side of her doing the same. The stallion stalked around the three new recruits with a merciless glint in his harsh blue eyes, his voice was course and rough definitely cockney in origin while being both brutally sharp and blunt. "This ain't some summer retreat for piss artists, this is the real deal! One wrong step and you could find yourself in a ditch without a decent burial! Get used to the idea that you're already dead maggots... or at the very least horribly mutilated! For here in B0NER we take no chances!" He had this habit of speaking in a near constant shout, his lips usually located a bear inch from a victim's ear. The recruits would have rolled their eyes at his obvious words but they were too rattled by the volume that exploded in their ears like an atomic bomb every time he spoke. "I ain't got time to hold your hoof when the war eventually comes so you better learn something quick or I'll deck ya one with mister brick here!" He held up the brick, they all looked to it wearily, it had become something akin to the grim reaper, already seven recruits had lost their lives to it, which explained why only three were alive. "Sir Yessir!!!" The three recruits chanted, nearby the already initiated watched the procession while drinking beer and eating potato chips from those non-biodegradable bags that littered the town. "Shuttup!" He snapped, his irises shrinking insanely. "I have no patience for scum like you, even mister brick here can't stand you!" He held up the brick once more. "Isn't that right?" "Yur damn right there Styg!" The dark colored pony's lips moved slightly as he mimed for the brick in a voice slightly higher in pitch but more slurred as if drunk. "I say get rid of them now, save the trouble!" "Sounds like a plan General Brick!" Stygian, the pony with the roar for a voice nodded. "But if I went round killing every one of these mugs we'd have no one left to hit in the future!" "Gosh! Yur right! Didn't think of that!!!" The Brick responded. "That's why I'm the Minister of Defense!" Stygin growled, his eyes returning to the recruits. The recruits had that worried grimace plastered on their faces that symbolized perfectly the fact that they stood now in the presence of a psychotic maniac with less heart than Hannibal the Cannibal on a stressful day. They managed to keep their cool however and keep their eyes fixed somewhere ahead of them. "Where was I?" Stygian muttered to himself. "Oh Yes!" He marched over to the tallest, who began to shake with some fear. Stygian stared down the recruit, it was something he did often, a character building activity he called it, or as every other pony called it Fear Tactics. Slowly and with meaning Stygian's left iris shrank more than the right. "I don't like you," He stated. "Yessir!" The massive stallion recruit squeaked. "Are you eyeballing me!?" "Nossir!" "Mister Brick doesn't like eyeballers!" The brick slowly rose into the recruits view, held aloft by a dark hoof. "In fact he takes affront to it." "Yur damn straight!" "Sorry Sir!" The recruit attempted. Stygian sighed and walked away to stand somewhat before them, muttering incoherently under his breath as he did. "Right!" he spun. "Tomorrow you'll be learning how to properly rig and attach a suicide vest to an unconscious pony... this is mandatory like any of our lessons and thankfully one of you has volunteered to be our guinea pig." The recruits looked at each other uncertainly, none had volunteered at all. "What are you all standing around for!" He snapped. "There's toilets to be cleaned!" With a groan they all saluted and left, ambling towards the public rest rooms. Stygian shook his head and groaned, he had little respect for these newbies, so young and soft. At least the majority of the army had a straight head on them being older and more grumpy... another way of saying they were banished war criminals. He nodded to one of his more able soldiers, who rolled his eyes and made to follow the young recruits to keep an eye on them. With that his Military job for the day was done, meaning it was time to go speak to the boss. "Sigh..." Stygian spoke with little enthusiasm. Author's Note Stygian is an OC character I designed both from many of my own personalities as well as this old sergeant I knew and met in a pub/bar (Crazy guy who liked to line up empty beer glasses and yell orders at them)
C2: The Boss PonyChapter Two: The Boss Pony When one would walk up the slight incline following the path towards the Public Bath House, one would expect (following on from what we've seen of the place so far) that it would be a squalid ratty old building smelling of mildew and rust, however this was not the case. The benevolent leader of B0NER saw to the sanitary needs of his people, after having backed up the sewers for the twentieth time to save on waste costs, as such the people were blessed or so appearances could deceive. The structure was massive in size, so large it could easily be described as a mansion, compared to everything else the white marble structure was a breath of fresh air. The truth made more sense of course, inlaid with gold and silk wall hangings this structure was obviously not a 'public' bath house but rather the center of command for the secret organization that was the true anarchist state of B0NER, of course that completely defied the attitude of the free people of B0NER. Thus the sheep dip out back that we used to wash the peasants. "I would love another coffee thank you very much loyal adviser!" Jenkins grinned madly from his seat, holding up his mug in one hoof. "Of course! Anything for you sir!" "I'm loving the new cape by the way!" "Why thank you other loyal adviser!" Jenkins chuckled warmly, adjusting the position of his blood red cape slightly. "I thought this color would go wonderfully with my coat!" "Well it does!" "Suits you sir!" Stygian watched the display with a flat expression, sure he was used to their ruler by now, the fact he had worked with far worse was an understatement. Truth was he couldn't help but like Jenkins' style, he had that mad sort of expression that Stygian felt truly at home with, plus he did live like a king, sitting in what could only be described as a throne room talking to himself. He liked him, even if the current boss had multiple personalities and voices in his head... Stygian gave an awkward cough. Jenkins, a fellow Earth pony, was mid way through pouring himself another coffee when he took note of his dangerous Minister of Defense. When he did it took him a few moment to realize what was going on. "Hmm? Mmmk mmmk, its a pleasure to see you again Sty-Ji-An, what news today?" The icy blue eyed stallion frowned, that cold frown which he displayed whenever anyone got his name wrong. "Its pronounced Sti-Gee-An," Stygian corrected. "Or Stig, whatever you prefer." "Okay Styg!" Jenkins grinned, his eyes moving off in opposite direction and his mad smile returning. The young Stallion was tall with a saffron coat, black mane and tail and eyes that would alter color depending upon mood, orange when angry baby blue when happy. "What's on the agenda today?" Stygian once more had to lower the volume of his ears. Jenkins, their almighty and all powerful ruler had that exploding sort of voice too but in a far more cheerful manner. "Well... aside from losing another recruit I have a few issues that need to be recognized." "Oh?" Jenkins sipped from his coffee, tipping much of it onto his chest without even flinching from the sizzle it made on contact. "First..." Stygain began, lifting a long sheet of paper from out of nowhere and peering at it irritably. "The orphanages have declined our offer to take some youths off their hooves for our Work Program." "Work Program!?" Jenkins frowned, wiping the spilled liquid he had just noticed with a negligent hoof. "The slave labor thing," Stygian answered. "Ah yes that!" Jenkins gave a short laugh, he had thought that idea funny when he had first dreamed it up, turned out he was right. "Second... we have an issue with our arms dealer," Stygian sighed. "It seems he no longer accepts cabbages as a form of currency." "Aw shit," Jenkins moaned sadly. "Why not?" "He said he can't stand to eat another," Stygian answered. "Not just because he doesn't like them but the taste of petroleum is making both himself and his children sick." "That's no excuse!" Jenkins growled. "I demand he be punished for his crimes against our fair nation!" Stygian shrugged, he would just slip in and stab the poor arms dealer in his sleep. "Third, and perhaps the most important, we once again need another doctor." "Another One!!!" Jenkins exclaimed. "What happened to the last one!?" "Death by dysentery," Stygian answered with a frown. "The same as the last five." "Once more that's no excuse!" Jenkins snapped. "I demand he be made an example of!" "Shall I just hang his dead corpse over the gate like the others?" "Sure why not," Jenkins shrugged. "I leave that shit up to you." "Literally," Stygian muttered to himself. "If that's all boss, I have a date with a bottle of Applejack's Cider." "Actually..." Jenkins tapped a hoof to his chin. "...while you're here, I have need of you my loyal subject!" "Oh joy..." Stygian responded with a dull look. "I wish to get a report from my many citizens!" Jenkins continued with a wild look of absolute mirth. "And I have selected you, oh worthy Minister, to go listen to their complaints and tell them to fuck off and die!" "I see," Stygain nodded. Oh yes... and I would see, see exactly what I would be fighting for during the war for control over Equestria. I would have been better off if I had just moved in next door to Chrysalis... Author's Note Meet the new boss! Same as the old boss! B0NER! The one place in the pony world where you can throw up on the street and improve the smell! I love it here! So will you! JenkinsRevenge
C3: The PadréChapter Three: The Padré First off, The Music Man Name: Erm... Music Man Species: Gryphon History: Born in one of those bloody Gryph cities, you know the kind; dusty and barbaric! The kind of place one would get drunk and wake up with a missing kidney. He had been raised in an anti magic religious commune with little to no media other than their bible. It wasn't until he discovered music that he went completely crazy and burned down his home. From there he had joined his people's army as one of those preachy types who read people their rites when they die. He left shortly after his first battle due to the terrible accident involving his commanding officer, during which Music Man had been present. As the only witness he had described it thus: "It was a tragic thing, one minute we were talking the next he had brutally and savagely accidentally disemboweled himself while shaving with my sword." And so the reason for his recruitment into the secret anarchist movement of B0NER. *** Stygian stood outside the temporary chapel, looking up at the damaged sign that revealed in large worn white letters 'XXX GOOD TYMES'. It was an old ancient building that had hastily been converted into something more religiousy however the owner of the establishment had been too lazy to get a step ladder and remove the big sign. Not many attended the services and those that did were either looking for a dark place to lay low or a place in which to get drunk and fall unconscious. It was the only church in B0NER and the religion was one that decried and damned the use of magic, though why that would make sense when he often hired magic users to help him do things was a mystery to all. Stygian saw Music Man as one of those racists who hung around with said hated race without actually realizing what they were. Well... the fact that most of the citizens of B0NER were Earth Pony there was at least some chance more would attend, though it had been hundreds of years since the Unicorn Oppression of the earth pony people it wasn't something to be soon forgotten. Stygian however liked magic, it was useful, it made big explosions and bright flashes of light. Which also explains his great love of explosives and high powered weaponry. Stygian entered the church with that creeping feeling of unease, he had never felt comfortable in churches it was as if the entire structure did not like his presence, he would perceive a sense much like the feeling a husband would feel whenever the mother in-law was around. It did not take long to locate the priest, hidden somewhere amongst the sodden snoring bodies of B0NER's more alcoholic residents and the damp smelling conditions of the run down once long ago brothel. The Gryphon snored himself, reeking of spirits and drooling somewhat from the corner of his mouth. He looked bedraggled and completely drunk or arse-faced as Stygian described it. Stygian had been in a similar situation before so he didn't bother to try and shake the drunk priest awake, instead he reached for the bottle clutched tightly in one the gryphon's claws. The chimera creature shot upright swinging a fist widely while yelling aloud. "Defiler!" It missed Stygian of course but managed to hit one of the other drunks who had sat up in shock from the noise. The said drunk collapsed immediately back onto his bench where he began to snore softly and murmur something unintelligible. The priest blinked several times as his mind took in the onrush of information that had just presented itself. "Urgh my head!" The gryphon groaned miserably, looking up to the rafters he declared, "Why!? Why did thou thinketh me worthy of such punishment?" "Seven bottles of scotch, two rum and a quart of vodka," Stygian answered with a bemused look of irritability. "Oh yeah..." Music Man chuckled. "I did drink all that didn't I." "Yes you did," Stygian grinned madly. "And the depot guy is pissed too, he was saving that scotch." "..." Music Man blinked, his once sharp golden eyes now bloodshot and bleary. He struggled to rise almost falling over a couple of times but finally he managed to drag himself up unto his paws, back cracking as he came to stand on the poor wooden planks that made up the floor. Stygian clucked his tongue, he was truly feeling his age this day, "If it makes you feel any better I'm here to hear your complaints." "Complaints?" Music Man frowned. Stygian looked up into the face of the gryphon, it was true Music Man was quite tall though not much taller than the earth pony, gryphons always had that size advantage. "Yes..." Stygian sighed. "Complaints." "Oh I see," Music Man considered the words, rubbing his forehead with four razor sharp talons. "Well... aside from all those blasted unicorns throwing their dratted magic everywhere, you really need to do something about that... and that bloody strip club that just opened down the street, everything's fine." "Really?" "Yeah," Music man shrugged. "I mean, there is an awful lack of sufficient booze around here." "Which reminds me," Stygian responded moving quickly, grabbing the clerical collar around Music Man's neck and pulling him down till their heads connected eye to eye. "Next time you go on a raid you invite me!" Music Man smiled awkwardly, he had met many peoples in his life and had torn apart quite a few of them for their threatening behavior yet there was something disconcerting about this specific pony... it probably had to do with the fact he always had an answer... he smelled of blood... he never slept... and he had the kind of eyes that belonged forever locked behind concrete walls and seven inches of bullet proof glass. Music Man ignored the sweat that began to roll down his back. "Sorry about that, we were in a rush." Stygian looked around at the church's clientele and sighed, releasing the gryphon. "Must have been quite the sermon." "Oh it was!" Music Man beamed. "I called upon one of my favorites! The Drake and the Willow, in which..." "Blah blah blah," Stygian cut him off quickly waving a negligent hoof. "If that's the case I'm gonna get out of here, looking at your flock I give it a few minutes before this room looks like a scene from the exorcist." "Now that you say it..." Music Man responded, beginning to heave. "Yeah goodbye," The earth pony answered making a quick trot for the exit. "Sorry... Bluuuuurghhh!" The projectile vomit sailed gracefully through the air, striking with all religious fervor upon the back of one suddenly irate black stallion. Stygian turned slowly, his eyes ablaze with the righteous force of damnation, vengeance written plainly in his face. There would be no mercy of course, he was far too proud to let this one slide, not again. Music Man grinned awkwardly once more, trying with all his might to hold in the next load of warm sick that threatened to break free from his beak. But its ejection was inevitable especially in the face of the chorus that followed, as by one the flock of Music Man's church abandoned their unconsciousness to explode wildly in every direction. It took some time for the madness to end and when it did our inquisitor was left standing in an entirely new color. Stygian turned to the priest with a look that could only be described as hostile. "I despise you." "I'm hating myself too right now..." The gryphon groaned, collapsing back onto his bench. Author's Note Excerpt from The Music Man's sermon: And the Drake said unto the Willow, "Fear not! For thou art just a tree!" And there was much rejoicing, and feasting on swallows, and marmosets, and stokes, and moorhens, and goats, and lambs, and more swallows, and the elusive giraffe of the Notre Planes of Zomerzet. And let all know this lesson; that when dragons smoke weed they do weird things, don't do drugs kids, do booze! Lots of them, then eat till you die... wait don't... this is meant to be a good story... oh blast, time to break into the store house for scotch again! The Music Man
Interlude 01Interlude Zero One Stygian rejoiced as he finally broke off the last segment of dried up vomit that had formed to his body like armor plating. He had made use of a chisel to break off the large majority of it and finally he could continue the cleaning process, sure the lowest class of the growing town would have to suffer that once it hit their drinking water but then he lived further uphill, in a tent hidden within the branches of a tree. He was a paranoid schizophrenic, at least that's what the doctors had said when he was young... bastards were always out to get him! Which, along with the fact that he was a pathological psychopath, had not helped at all during his attempt to integrate into normal society. He had made use of the public trough in which they bathed the citizens by force once a week, he didn't want to sully his own lake so this was the best option available. "How goes it Stygiant!" A familiar voice called to him from above. Looking up the war pony scowled. "It's Stygian!" "Sorry..." JenkinsRevenge, their glorious leader actually managed to forge a look of apology. "Stygina... how goes your mission?" "I got sicked on by a bunch of hungover drunks," Stygian answered in a voice that spoke levels about how much that displeased him. Jenkins didn't even want to think about that image, though he couldn't help but give a snicker. "Sounds... unpleasant." "You think?" "So the missions going well then!" Jenkins was pleased. Stygian shook his head. "Hey boss... everyone else gets to make a complaint I was wondering if I do too?" Jenkins removed his attention from the dirt he had almost stepped onto and pulled back so as to circulate around while remaining solidly on the marble stairs leading to his palace. "Sorry what?" With a deep sigh the black coated stallion got to the point of the issue. "Look boss, I don't get paid enough for this..." "I pay you!?" Jenkins exclaimed in shock. Stygian frowned, he hated being interrupted. "I don't mind traipsing off on one of your murder sprees, in fact I love them..." "Who doesn't!" Jenkins smiled dreamily, a faraway look in his eyes. "...but I didn't sign up to get puked on by two percent of B0NER's population." "I wondered what that smell was," Jenkins nodded sympathetically. "I remember this rave I went to once, if I hadn't been as quick as I was and not used my ex-girlfriend as a shield I too would have suffered a similar fate." "I see why she became your ex," Stygian rolled his eyes. "Well yes," JR shrugged. "You're doing a marvelous job and I just want to say keep it up!" "Yes sir," Stygian muttered. "Thank you sir." "You're welcome!" Jenkins, king of B0NER beamed. "Be pleasant to the peasants that's what my adviser always says!" "When did you get an adviser?" Stygian asked, pausing in his dunks once more. "You met them this morning," Jenkins explained. Stygian gave Jenkins one of those slow nods that doctors give their mentally disturbed patients, as the memory of his leader speaking to himself surfaced like a missing moment of alcohol induced forgetfulness the minister of defense wondered if moving here was the right thing to do after all. "Very good sir," Stygian answered correctly. "I shall leave you to it!" Jenkins nodded as if he had benevolently granted his mercy upon something he had already forgotten about. Stygian watched Jenkins leave with a wistful expression, the lunatic reminded the old war pony of his third commanding officer, the one Stygian had allowed to live under the circumstance that Stygian had murdered his entire family and wanted the fool to live in eternal misery. He had perhaps gone too far that time... or was it not far enough? Stygian shrugged and continued his bath, he had time for such thoughts later. Author's Note DERP DERP DERP I LIKE A DA BATH HERP DERP!
C4: The Iron MongerChapter Four: The Iron Monger Next is the one called Aristomache Name: Goddamit! I did it again!!! Species: Damned Pegasus... think they're so much better than us coz they can fly... History: Born in the industrial area of some place no one really cares about, raised in one of those weird looking floating construction yards that are now illegal due to pollution issues. He was basically raised on backwards science, whereas others were taught to improve upon design he was taught to make even more issues than were necessary. When he was twelve he became one of Equestria's most wanted due to the "accidental" nuking of Radishima during that whole war thing a few years back. It isn't that he's evil or cruel its just that he doesn't really think about things before detonating them or telling others his inventions are entirely safe. For some reason he doesn't understand the words 'no you cannot build that' or 'don't you think that's dangerous?' Whatever the case his troubles with creating mass pollution hardly mattered here so he was quickly snapped up by our recruiting agency, I remember 'recruiting' him myself with Mr Brick in fact. *** The foundry, hidden underneath the waterworks of B0NER, endlessly belching out smoke like a miasma from pits dotted on the surface of the town. The pollution created within the weapons facility would be enough to choke the life out of any wildlife had it not already been choked out by the mere presence of Smooze the almighty fart putty hidden in Mayor Jenkins' shed. Stygian had to follow the route leading through tunnels 'left' behind by the ancient and now extinct mole people of whom Jenkins had ordered be slaughtered when he had discovered the large deposits of metals hidden within the earth and stone beneath the town. They had not left the bodies of those poor people to rot however, the people of B0NER had after all been starving at the time and the mole people had actually tasted kind of like salami. Ponies didn't usually eat meat but then when one was starving one didn't complain about the food source. The old war pony realized of course that no matter what complaints the distant minded pegasus had Stygian would only ignore them based upon the fact the fecker could fly, which at the end of the day gave him an unfair advantage that definitely didn't give him any more rights than the average earth pony. Even so Stygian did respect the bombing of Radishima, though he had nothing against the populace he remembered seeing the blinding flash of painful light off the coast of Germaney during the war. It had been pretty, he had proposed to his first wife during the battle in which it had been detonated, which now that Stygian thought about it gave him another reason to despise the pegasus with a passion. She had turned out to be a real bitch! Then again she was a pegasus too and everypony knows what they're like during estrus. Quickly rubbing the old scar behind his left ear as a result of a carefully tossed plate he realized he had come to the end of the cave system. In fact he realized this most when he walked face first into the large metal doors that blocked the way into B0NER's secret weapons facility. Rubbing his face he lifted his free hoof and banged on the door three times. "Password?" A voice demanded from the other side. Stygian answered. "Open the door or I swear I'm going to eat you, kill you and wear your fur as a second coat during the next winter!" "That's not the password!" The voice complained. "Open the bloody door Aristomache or so help me Smooze I'll batter you sideways!!!" The door opened, separating into three parts that screeched their way into the frame that surrounded it, he had perhaps anticipated a blinding light to fly out from the cracks as the armored portal reveled the room beyond however all Stygian received was a barely flickering UV light hanging awkwardly from the ceiling. The room beyond was anything but improved since he had last seen it, in fact it had gotten worse. "Stygian!" Aristomache grinned. "So good to see you again!" Stygian eyed the pegasus with a flat stare, Aristomache was a young black coated stallion with grey stripes that from what he could guess had arrived as a result of one of his many botched experiments. He wore black and grey sheet layered armor with small near neon yellow gears on the boots as well as silver bladed coverings over his wings. His mane and tail were a mixture of grey and black too. His most distinguishing feature however had to be the long and luxurious aristocratic mustache he had planted above his lips. (Fake of course, the real one burned off years ago) Whatever the color of his eyes they were hidden behind thick goggles with large yellow rims, they were black tinted to the point nothing could see through unless they were hyper sensitive to the light, which under the circumstances made sense when one considered this pony made his living making and testing nuclear weapons. They were also made for welding, which explained the welder in his left hoof. Stygian had never seen the pony take them off, in fact the day he had arrived he had hissed at the sun like a vampire and shielded the lenses covering his eyes with a foreleg. Stygian remarked upon the fact that this pony requested assistants often and managed to get every single one he received killed within the hour, it had become an art form. "It's... nice... to see you too Aristomache," Stygian lied, he hated everyone so any interaction other than blind violence caused issues in his mind. "I suppose you know why I'm here?" The scientist shook his head, throwing the welder over a shoulder. "No, why are you here?" "No reason!" Stygian smiled, turning on his hooves to make his escape. "Perfect! I could use a hoof!" Aristomache spun and began walking towards his lab. Stygian growled menacingly and made to follow, hanging his head somewhat, he knew this was going to end in pain. The journey was short considering the subtle size of the factory beneath the town, the mad inventor led Stygian to a large device of some kind, wide and round with multiple moving parts and a massive cog in the center. "May I present to you..." The pegasus began, raising a hoof to present said item grandly. "The... the... the thing I invented yesterday!" Stygian looked it over, all he could say about it was that it looked like a machine, the function of the device entirely unknown to the earth pony who had a way of guessing what things did. "Very nice, what does it do?" "Yes well," Aristomache smiled madly. "I guess we'll have to turn it on to find out." Stygian blinked, though each eyelid failed to meet in synchronization. "You built something and you don't know what it does?" "Not really no." "Not really?" "Okay..."Aristomache admitted. "Not at all." "Oh joy," Stygian groaned. "Look before this goes on I have to ask... do you have any complaints?" "Complaints?" Aristomache frowned. "No... not really... I mean, I could always do with some more assistants." "What's the point?" Stygian demanded. "You keep getting them killed!" "Yeah," Aristomache grinned proudly. "I do don't I... now come along, just hold that lever over there." Stygian went to do so, rolling his eyes as he did, lifting onto his hind legs he took hold of the large lever in his forelegs and pulled against it, seeing the catch lock that would release once the process began. Aristomache plugged a few smaller devices into the machine and gave a wide smile. "Well... no rest for the wicked!" He moved to the control panel with the proud look all genius madponies had when about to make a discovery. "Let this day be remembered as the day when all things came to pass!" "What the hell was the speech for?" Stygian growled, tired of this nonsense already. "In case the device does something remarkable," He answered, activating the machine, which began to hum dangerously. "I'm not going to remember it," The earth pony muttered as he looked over the almost spherical object before them, suddenly he froze. "Wait," Stygian frowned, holding the now vibrating lever in place resiliently and taking note of something that suspiciously reminded him of something he had mentioned to the crazy inventor one drunken afternoon. "Is that a mass intake valve?" "Probably," Aristomache shrugged, lifting a hoof over the panel. "Here we go!" "No Wait!!!" Stygian would never exactly recall what happened after the pegasus smashed his hoof against the panel, however he did recall dragging the lunatic out with him through the tunnels. When they finally escaped the ensuing onrush of endless choking smoke it became obvious that all they were really doing was leaving one poisonous atmosphere and entering another. This one, though foul in smell, was infinitely better considering it provided some oxygen to the lungs. After Aristomache's fit of coughing had passed he looked up to see Stygian smoking a cigarette as calm as day. "Ah yes... a pollution bomb... utter genius!" "Yes..." Stygian frowned. "It would work beautifully as a weapon!" Aristomache burst from the ground shaking off the mire that coated his body in an instant. "I must document of this and send my report to Jenkins immediately!" Stygian watched him bolt in the direction of the town center, barely keeping his tattered patience in check. "Once again I find myself covered in shit..." he growled to himself, his left eye twitching dangerously and the globules of solid pollution dripping from his body, "I'm beginning to hate my job, yes I am!" Author's Note Whosa loony? Youra loony! I'ma loony too! Woony Loony Time! But no seriously, this will not be the last time this pony causes me trouble! Aristomache
C5: The Crime LordChapter Five: The Crime Lord Now to the interesting; Clown Prince of Crime! Name: The Joker, The Clown, The... you bloody get it!!! Species: Earth Pony History: Its funny how the large majority of his records are lists of the Psycho Wards he's been locked up in. It starts off with a school trip he took as a foal, one in which he poisoned all the other school children with a psychotropic concoction of his own make. The victims suffered immensely by Laughing Themselves to Death. The intended suicide however backfired and he became infused by his own poison, quickly becoming what we all know and love today. Since then his sprees of madness and endless crimes have become the stuff of legend. He made a name for himself in large gangs as an assassin, utilizing a disguise to hide his true identity, even so it wouldn't be long until he would lose the plot again and kill all his bosses. As he matured he became the criminal mastermind and though his plots usually fail he always has a backup plan that succeeds in someway, causing untold damage and ending many innocent lives. Other than that he's partial to a sandwich every now and then. *** Feeling rather down after his second cleanup Stygian moped towards his next destination with a growing dread... it wasn't that he disliked the next resident of B0NER it was just that he was absolutely sure this would end in a similar way to the two times before. Yes indeed, the Clown Prince Of Crime was the sort to usually keep horrible nasty tricks lying in wait for anypony foolish enough to arrive unawares. Sure the war pony knew how to evade traps like no one else but this was an extenuating circumstance, this Joker had a habit of detonating them even while he himself was in proximity. There would be no warning either, or reason as to why, perhaps his hoof slipped, perhaps he sneezed, perhaps a troll face appeared in his mind and the many voices egged him on to do it. Whatever the case Stygian was on his way then and there, to the only place the psycho could be... he was the old kind of crime thinker so he would inevitably choose only one place as his residence. There were not many buildings that could offer Clown the privacy and dankness he required. That was why he made use of the warehouse that had been hastily built by the team of Thugs he kept around him at all times. It was a squalid building, made mainly of the rotten and broken wood left around, the few walls made of brick were poorly constructed and already cracking. Then again what did you expect from a bunch of brain dead morons who could not even remember their names and so relied instead upon a number system to differentiate themselves from the others. Clown was a mad pony, thus when Stygian carefully kicked open the door and rolled in he was treated to a spectacle that made his mane stand on end. Clown was a tall sleek bastard with a near black green mane and tail, both of which were short and neatly gelled. His eyes where pinpoint in size and pure black, the whites that surrounded them an unhealthy yellow... the years of drug and alcohol abuse had not been kind. His coat was a white so pale it looked diseased and he wore a pristine white shirt with a bright purple suit jacket over it. Strangely though this psychopath was a neat freak when concerning himself everything else around him however was far from similar. But that wasn't the first thing ponies noted with this pony, oh no! The obtrusive and off putting smile was the first thing anypony saw and quite often the last. It was truly massive, a mad grin that was all yellow teeth and cheeks stretched to their limits. The treatment Stygian now endured was only worsened by that smile. "I'm Mister White Clown!" Clown sung, his voice oddly catchy. "I'm Mister J! I'm Mister Stab You In The Back, I'm Mister Six Feet Below! Friends will call me The Joker And Madness Follows Me Wherever I go! The manic pony was dancing, with a cane... Four Thugs followed suit, singing a chorus as they danced in order to the criminal mastermind. "He's Mister White Clown..." They sung. "He's Mister J, He's Mister Sell Your Mother, Around Him Ponies Tend To Drown!" "Friends call me The Joker! There Is No Low I Can't Go! Ponies Tend To Bleed At My Touch I Guess I'm Just Too Much!" Stygian was leaning backwards sitting on his rump, his face was panicked and desperate, he wanted this mental torture to end now before his mind exploded from sheer despair. "I never want to know a body that's over Thirty Degrees, I'd rather have it Twenty, then Ten, then Five, then let em freeze!" "He's Mister White Clown, He's Mister J, He's Mister Cut You Up, Leaves You Six Feet Bel..." "Whoa, Woe, Wow!" The Clown Prince of Crime halted the music, somehow ending it on the rhyme. His eyes focused on the black earth pony who sat with an expression of sheer horror on his face. "Err... Stygian..." He grimaced, then rallied, turning it all into on big joke. "What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?" The terminology 'girl' made him snap. "Cut the crap!" Stygian growled. "I never want to see anything like that again!!!" "You should really announce yourself before you barge in then," He grinned, as he always did. "I despise singing and dancing!" Stygian yelled. "You do know that sort of thing is outlawed... now that I say that I realize how stupid I sound." "Oh come on it wasn't that bad!" Clown frowned, though he still smiled. "Please!" Stygian snorted and rolled his eyes. "The tune needs work and personally I thought the lyrics sucked!" Clown shrugged, throwing his cane to one of the thugs, number twelve written on his wooly jumper.. "Well you can't please everypony!" The psychotic pony chuckled, leaping of the impromptu stage and landing before the other eye twitching psychopath. "What can I do for you this fine evening?" Stygian released a long drawn out sigh. "Well..." he began but paused as he took note of the activity to his left. "Hey... are those..." "No not at all!" Clown laughed waving a hoof to the two thugs carrying the missile in question. "Where would I have gotten a nuclear weapon at this time of the year!?" The two thugs blushed and tried unsuccessfully to stand in front of the questionable object. "Aristomache reported a few missing last week," Stygian responded with a flat expression. "What did I tell you about doing that?" "Erm...?" Clown thought about it. *** "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!" Clown answered to the poor victim in the well. "But I..." The victim began, with no clue as to where the lotion was or if it would be provided. "Put the lotion in the fecking basket!" Stygian yelled into the well. *** "Uh uh!" Stygian growled, clapping his hooves together. "Wrong memory!" "Hmm..." Clown thought about it once more. *** "Fava Beans and a nice Chianti! Ffffufff ffuff ffuff ffuff ffuff," A drunk Stygian began. A drunk Clown continued it. "Ffuff ffuff ffuff ffuff..." *** "No," Stygian facehoofed. "Not the time we had a Ffuff Off either." "Let me try again!" Clown demanded waving an impatient hoof, eyes squinting with some mental process. *** They wheeled the mare tied to the post up to Mayor Jenkins and in a proud voice Clown declared. "We found a witch can we burn her?" "BUUUUUURN HER!" Stygian agreed standong beside him with a pitchfork. *** "Okay," Stygian stopped him, "You're way off now, you could have at least picked a memory where neither of us were drunk... you know what? Lets just move on, I saw nothing." "Wonderful!" Clown smirked. "I always love it when you turn a blind eye!" "You've done it for me often enough," Stygian sighed desperately. "Look, I'm here to ask you if you have any complaints?" "Well!!!" Clown began, his chest puffing as he took in a massive lungful of air. "Now that you ask I want you to know that there is an appalling lack of any law enforcement around here! Why, only the other day I saw myself literally mugging an elderly mare in broad daylight without a single pony trying to stop me! It was despicable!" Stygian nodded to himself. "So basically you want somepony to try and stop you so you can kill them." "That is the long and short of it, you know me so well!" Clown nodded with a glitter in his mad beady eyes. "Also there's a profound lack of decent booze around here." "Yes I know," Stygian groaned and nodded, then returned with; "But you're the criminal, Import it yourself!" "That sounds like a lot of work..." Clown muttered. "You're selling nukes to the gryphons," Stygian answered with another of his glorious flat looks. "Correction: You're selling faulty nukes to the gryphons." "You do have a point," Clown shrugged with a laugh. Stygian felt satisfied, this one had at least gone well. "By the way... what's up with the singing anyway?" Clown grinned wildly. "I plan to use this new found power to drive the next hero who tries to stop me insane!" Stygian shuddered. "You fiend!" "I know," Clown sighed happily. "Oh... by the way... Now Thug Number Twenty Three!!!" "Duh?" The thug with the number twenty three on his jumper froze, his look of stupidity truly profound. "The bucket you fool!" Clown slapped a hoof over his eyes. The thug charged forward, bucket in hoof... and neatly tumbled into a ball, the contents of his bucket flying gracefully through the air. SPLAT! There was a moments silence as things calmed down. "Well that didn't go according to plan," Stygian answered, completely clean. "He's new," Clown sighed dripping entirely with motor oil that now drenched his body, he pulled out a pistol and shot the Thug dead. "I'm gonna go," Stygian turned to leave. "Let you get cleaned up." "I'd appreciate that..." Clown nodded gratefully. "I have another victim in the well by the way, if you want to come around later and shout random nonsense at him for a few hours." "I'll bring the rum!" Stygian grinned. Author's Note I love this lunatic! Clown Prince Of Crime Also here is the song reference for his... song, a request of his for the story: Snow Miser
C6: The AstronomerChapter Six: The Astronomer Ah yes The Accursed... Name: Accursed One... they must have been some nice parents. Species: Dick Hea... Unicorn History: A young prodigy who found himself born into a society of scientists, the crazy kind who created mad devices and underwent insane projects. They were shut down after somehow detonating an entire field with a thimble full of nitro glycerine... lunatics see. Anyway, he was admitted into the Canterlot University at the age of sixteen and passed every course, study and test he was ever given with flying colors. His main studies are Dimensional Theory, Radiation Fields and for some reason he specializes in Astronomy... Why is a mystery, his mind was considered so large that it was believed it would burst should anyone speak to him for too long and yet he decided to spend his life looking up at the stars. Then again he was banned from creating any kind of laser system due to the fact he kept taking pot shots at space every time he saw something odd in his telescope. Oh yeah... said telescope he brought with him when he moved here. After all... B0NER is of course the place to go to continue experiments long after their legal capacity has been met. *** 'Oh may as well while I'm here...' Stygian thought to himself as he made a slight detour on the way to the Jenkins' shed on the other side of town, said detour would take him to the center of town. It was an interesting place to say the least, most tended to avoid it due to the nature of the inhabitants who frequented it. It had been the site of most of B0NER's stabbings since the arrival of the anarchist movement, for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. Even from the farthest reaches of the town's surface could one see what lay there, where one pony had set up shop almost immediately after arriving... though where else he could go was a mystery. The massive dome that opened in a single slit to reveal the inner workings of a thing that had become an oddity around here. It was the site of the Astronomy Department in B0NER, unlike any other department this one required only one operative, a certain stallion called Accursed One. He was a light green unicorn of average build, a silver mane that was quite frankly a mess... but then he was a scientist... and a strange far off look to his eyes. The mark upon his butt cheeks was an asteroid, but not just an asteroid, an asteroid with an atom in the center. If anything that should have been a sign, the stallion had already been warned multiple time about using his gravitational array, a thing used to bring down asteroids so as he could study them... as such the outskirts of B0NER as well as a few buildings on the inside, had been forever scarred by pockmarks and holes. Stygian came to the entrance of the dome Observatory that swiveled so as to explore the night sky. There was a door with a security system and Stygian gained access by punching it, not much of a password but then it had never really worked, not since some Clown came along looking for something to steal. Of course there was nothing, only the telescope... and one would need to bring some massive flying vehicle to lift it. Accursed had managed to bribe a dragon into doing it for him, how the unsung genius did that Stygian did not know, it seemed to be a secret Accursed held close to his heart and locked behind a metaphorical door welded shut and then drowned in concrete... which reminded the old war pony, he needed to purchase (steal) a jackhammer sometime. "Hello?" Stygian called out into the dark of the structure as he entered, the only light available from two poor neon lights and the open hatch where the telescope jutted out aggressively. "Did you know," A voice replied. "That stars don't actually twinkle? Its just an effect of the many layers of our world's atmosphere." "Yes I did," Stygian answered, looking up at the green stallion with a plain look. "Get down here I need to speak to you." The unicorn, located above on a walkway, jumped over the side in a swan dive, one that was ruined when his lab coat caught on a loose bolt. "Fffffffuuuuuuuuu...!" He began before meeting the ground face first. "Yeah." Stygian replied. "Gravity is a bitch like that." "Indeed!" Accursed rose almost instantly to a stand. "And I see you're your normal self today Stygian." "Normal?" Stygian frowned, the word an insult to him even in description. "Grumpy and annoyed." Accursed smiled. "Now... what do you want, I'm a very busy stallion and must get back to work." Stygian frowned and his ears flattened, he hated to be rushed even when it was his plan to do so anyway, contradictory no? "I was sent by Jenkins to see if you had any complaints." "I'm glad you asked," Accursed nodded happily. "I do indeed wish to make a complaint, concerning all the complaints I have made which have been savagely ignored time and time again!" There was a moments pause as Stygian blinked repeatedly. It took everything in the Minister's power to not laugh outright into Accursed's face. "I see... I'll be sure to make people aware of that." "Very good." Accursed gave a nod. "At least somepony cares about the needs of others here." "Yes..." Stygian had to cough that time. "Well then I'll be off..." "Did you know that stars are black bodies?" Accursed began. "I did," Stygian sighed, beginning to look over the massive telescope to kill some time. Accursed however was not one to be deterred, he was the kind of stallion that would lock jaw on a wrist like a rabid Diamond Dog just to prove a point. "A black body is an object that absorbs one hundred percent of all electromagnetic radiation that falls on it. "Yes well..." Stygian rolled his eyes a looked over the massive telescope. It wasn't standard by any measure, being pure white with some black lines that made it look like some kind of cannon on a spaceship... "What are those?" He asked suddenly. Accursed blinked in confusion and looked up to the objects on the telescope that Stygian pointed to with a fore hoof. "What? That? Don't worry about that," He shrugged moving away hurriedly. "Is this..." Stygian growled. "Is this a Death Ray?" "No!" Accursed humphed, then frowned suspiciously. "How did you know, are you spying on me!?" Stygian snorted. "Please, I worked with Cobra a while back I think I know what a Death Ray is." "Cobra!?" Accursed gasped with astonishment. "You worked with Cobra?" Stygian ignored the question, the last thing he wanted to remember was all that nonsense, the endless failures and that Cobra Commander idiot who thought just because he was a unicorn and could scream demands at a pitch high enough to shatter eardrums that he couldn't be beaten. That was a strange year indeed, those Joe ponies were a bunch of lunatics throwing explosives around all the time with no care for civilian safety. "What is this aimed at?" Stygian asked. "The moon," Accursed answered honestly, proudly in fact. "I see," Stygian nodded slowly, allowing this news to sink in. "And why exactly is it aimed at the moon?" "Because that's where Luna will strike!" Accursed declared. "And of course its where the aliens live." "Aliens?" Stygian nodded rubbing his jaw. "Where exactly did you get that information?" "Mayor Jenkins expressed concern about the potential dangers the moon could hold!" Accursed informed the grumpy psychopath. "Its in the interest of B0NER to keep the moon suspect for multiple attacks!" Ah... of course... Jenkins.... "And he asked you to do this, did he?" Stygian queried with an odd expression. Accursed blushed somewhat and pulled at the collar of his lab coat. "Err... no..." "Hmm..." Stygian considered the situation, there were many things he could do here, many avenues available to him... he could yell and beat Accursed senseless, he could demand he take the Death Ray apart... then again there was Option G. "Say... you're worried about an attack from the moon right?" "Yes!" Accursed nodded emphatically. "I mean look at it!" He pointed with a hoof. "Its just sitting up there... being all menacing and what not... it needs to be dealt with!" "I agree with you," Stygian nodded solemnly. "You do?" Accursed frowned in confusion, then recovered. "I mean, you do! Excellent, then we can..." "But I do have one question," Stygian interrupted him. Accursed paused. "I... okay, shoot away." Stygian smiled. "The moon is Luna's realm correct?" "Correct." "And Luna is a powerful enemy correct?" "Correct." "But as we all know Celestia is more powerful than Luna, correct?" "Indeed." "And Celestia's realm is the sun..." "..." Stygian's smile became satisfied. "You get my point then." Accursed's mind was fizzling, Stygian could tell this by the way his irises were shaking and his ears flapped wildly as if he were signalling a squadron of pegasi to land. "I... You... Oh my! You are completely correct!" Accursed leaped for the controls of his telescope and began adding co-ordinates. "For all we know when the sun rises a strike force could be on their way to destroy us!" "A strike force of fiery monster aliens right?" Stygian raised a brow. "Could be!" "So... same plan as before?" Stygian asked. "But this time destroy the sun right?" Accursed growled an affirmative. "If they attack yes! Nothing could be a better deterrent than destroying the place where they came from!" Stygian shook his head, Accursed was once a great stallion of knowledge, now its seemed he pulled his ideas out from cereal boxes. "Just one thing..." "What!?" Accursed demanded irritably, turning from his work to stare at Stygian grumpily. Stygian activated his straight face, so as not to give his game away. "That Death Ray is too small." Accursed froze... "Oh... My... Stars!" The astronomer exploded. "You're right! We're entirely unprepared for a solar attack!" Accursed began bolting down the street, his direction a wide circle that just repeated over and over again. "I need parts! Quickly, someone get me some Red Matter!!!" It was a way to advertise Stygian supposed. Author's Note Mad Ponies... Mad Ponies Everywhere. The Accursed One
Interlude 02Interlude Zero Two It was time for a break, once again he felt his life had suddenly been filled with the breathing of other creatures... it was cloying, like the smell of one's own unwashed groin slowly wafting upwards to one's nose, thus the reason for Stygian's current location. There was only one place in B0NER where Stygian could find peace from both the smell and proximity of others. The Smooze chamber... built inside the Mayor's massive factory like shed. You had to take a lift down to get to the chamber, the security systems were highly dangerous to both intruders and those with authority due to the fact nothing ever really worked in the town, the chances were fifty fifty that he may be blinded by the retinal scanner every time he used it. Truth was a child could make his way down here if he waved a hood in front of it, it was poorly aligned. The chamber was massive, the air toxic and filled with a strange purple aura that reminded Stygian of his old home in the city of Trottingham, that place had been rusty too. Though many could say he was escaping one smell just to be plagued by another he viewed it thus: Shut up! Buck off! There were catwalks that made up the top half of the room while below was what many called... The Tub. It was where the smooze was located and where many believed he slept, though Stygian and a few others knew the truth, the Smooze like many of B0NER's residents never slept and instead occupied his time endlessly playing pong on his Gamecolt. The massive blob of goo was invisible from where he stood but he knew enough to be happy about that. Below he could hear the soft rumbling of deep bass laughter that was almost childlike as the Smooze once again managed to bounce the pixel ball off his pixel bar and return it to the game controlled rival. Stygian rolled his eyes, it wasn't that he hated the Smooze, in fact he kinda liked him, it had been the old warpony himself who had dropped the small hand held game console into the pool (after getting it thoroughly Smooze Proofed by the lab boys in the defense department) PANG! Stygian had rolled by instinct alone as the bullet sailed directly towards his head, the small metal object ricocheted off the wall and flew off into the distance. The MOD would have snarled and charged for combat if not for the fact his roll has carried him into a spill of Smooze that sent him sailing over the edge of the walkway. "Halt Who Goes There!" An unmistakable voice demanded as Stygian slowly fell to the tub. "DAAAAMN YOU JENKINS!!!" SPLAT! That was perhaps the best way to describe the occurrence as the war vet broke the surface, the Smooze taking his time to notice so engrossed in his game. Stygian wasn't a good swimmer but luckily the Smooze was thick enough to crawl out of so long as he wasn't dragging you deeper inside. He began kicking, rage filling his eyes, there would be hell to pay and no mistaking that! Drawn to the strange feeling of something moving his innards many eyes inside the liquid mass swiveled in an instant sudden movement to all stare at Stygian with surprise. "Crap!" Stygian managed to make himself heard even with his mouth filled with Smooze. The struggle began, as almost solid tentacles began to form to drag the earth pony deeper into the depths, the terrible taste of it filling the stallions mouth like a rancid MacDonald's milkshake on a hot dry summer's morning after. The eyes watched Stygian as he breached the surface with all the might of a thousand disgruntled postal workers with machine guns. "Damn it you toxic grape drank! Gettoff me now or no more games for you!!!" The black pony roared kicking and punching anything that tried to latch on. His cry of rage had some effect, the Smooze found it difficult to differentiate ponies as his senses were all muddled by the color purple. It didn't speak but upon realizing what had landed inside of it the Smooze reacted physically instead. On a hot stream of what could be called vomit the Smooze ejected Stygian from its presence without hesitation... After all who knew where that crazy maniac had been!!! Sailing through the air the black maned stallion began to imagine a thousand different ways to kill a certain leader that had caused another messy situation for him, it was as if Jenkins followed him everywhere setting off booby traps lined with something disgusting and foul. Somehow he found himself headed towards a railing and the safety of another walkway and yet like an episode of the Simpsons Stygian knew he would not reach it in time. Scrabbling madly in the air he tried to grab hold of something, anything! Just to at least slow his descent enough so as not to crash with a bone breaking result against a wall. A length of electrical cable appeared in his path and he grabbed hold of it, his momentum carrying him forward and up into the bottom of the walkway face first. "Phwas broody nough!!!" He declared sneezing. Slowly his wild swings lessened to a gentle sway, looking up the crazed lunatic looking into the eyes of another crazed lunatic. "Hey Styg!" He greeted. "Pull me up Jenkins," Stygian supplied menacingly. Jenkins considered the request, griping hold of the cable he had lowered with both hooves, a pale white sniper rifle strapped around his back by his shoulder, underneath his luxurious cape of course he wasn't a complete fool! "Hmm? You know, I don't think I will." "Why not?" "Because I get the feeling you wish me some physical violence right now." "No I do not." Jenkins nodded sagely. "Mmk mmk... then why did you say that through gritted teeth?" "..." Jenkins tied the length of cable to the railing attached to the walkway and grinned. "So... I'm going to leave you here till you calm down a bit and go get myself a coffee... kay?" Stygian, who had yet to blink and stared up at his boss with burning bloodshot eyes said nothing, instead he began to climb, using only his forelegs with hind legs angled outwards in a display of strength, everything about his movements quick and controlled. Jenkins noticed this and gave a nervous laugh. "So uh... try to have fun I'll catch you later!" The golden coated stallion bolted with his red cape streaming behind him... and not a moment too soon for black death was up and on the walkway giving chase soon after. Author's Note Eww, I stood in a smooze!
