Chapter Three: The Padré

First off, The Music Man

Name: Erm... Music Man
Species: Gryphon
History: Born in one of those bloody Gryph cities, you know the kind; dusty and barbaric! The kind of place one would get drunk and wake up with a missing kidney. He had been raised in an anti magic religious commune with little to no media other than their bible. It wasn't until he discovered music that he went completely crazy and burned down his home.

From there he had joined his people's army as one of those preachy types who read people their rites when they die.

He left shortly after his first battle due to the terrible accident involving his commanding officer, during which Music Man had been present. As the only witness he had described it thus: "It was a tragic thing, one minute we were talking the next he had brutally and savagely accidentally disemboweled himself while shaving with my sword."

And so the reason for his recruitment into the secret anarchist movement of B0NER.

***

Stygian stood outside the temporary chapel, looking up at the damaged sign that revealed in large worn white letters 'XXX GOOD TYMES'. It was an old ancient building that had hastily been converted into something more religiousy however the owner of the establishment had been too lazy to get a step ladder and remove the big sign.

Not many attended the services and those that did were either looking for a dark place to lay low or a place in which to get drunk and fall unconscious. It was the only church in B0NER and the religion was one that decried and damned the use of magic, though why that would make sense when he often hired magic users to help him do things was a mystery to all.

Stygian saw Music Man as one of those racists who hung around with said hated race without actually realizing what they were.

Well... the fact that most of the citizens of B0NER were Earth Pony there was at least some chance more would attend, though it had been hundreds of years since the Unicorn Oppression of the earth pony people it wasn't something to be soon forgotten.

Stygian however liked magic, it was useful, it made big explosions and bright flashes of light. Which also explains his great love of explosives and high powered weaponry.

Stygian entered the church with that creeping feeling of unease, he had never felt comfortable in churches it was as if the entire structure did not like his presence, he would perceive a sense much like the feeling a husband would feel whenever the mother in-law was around.

It did not take long to locate the priest, hidden somewhere amongst the sodden snoring bodies of B0NER's more alcoholic residents and the damp smelling conditions of the run down once long ago brothel. The Gryphon snored himself, reeking of spirits and drooling somewhat from the corner of his mouth. He looked bedraggled and completely drunk or arse-faced as Stygian described it.

Stygian had been in a similar situation before so he didn't bother to try and shake the drunk priest awake, instead he reached for the bottle clutched tightly in one the gryphon's claws.

The chimera creature shot upright swinging a fist widely while yelling aloud. "Defiler!"

It missed Stygian of course but managed to hit one of the other drunks who had sat up in shock from the noise. The said drunk collapsed immediately back onto his bench where he began to snore softly and murmur something unintelligible. The priest blinked several times as his mind took in the onrush of information that had just presented itself.

"Urgh my head!" The gryphon groaned miserably, looking up to the rafters he declared, "Why!? Why did thou thinketh me worthy of such punishment?"

"Seven bottles of scotch, two rum and a quart of vodka," Stygian answered with a bemused look of irritability.

"Oh yeah..." Music Man chuckled. "I did drink all that didn't I."

"Yes you did," Stygian grinned madly. "And the depot guy is pissed too, he was saving that scotch."

"..." Music Man blinked, his once sharp golden eyes now bloodshot and bleary. He struggled to rise almost falling over a couple of times but finally he managed to drag himself up unto his paws, back cracking as he came to stand on the poor wooden planks that made up the floor.

Stygian clucked his tongue, he was truly feeling his age this day, "If it makes you feel any better I'm here to hear your complaints."

"Complaints?" Music Man frowned.

Stygian looked up into the face of the gryphon, it was true Music Man was quite tall though not much taller than the earth pony, gryphons always had that size advantage. "Yes..." Stygian sighed. "Complaints."

"Oh I see," Music Man considered the words, rubbing his forehead with four razor sharp talons. "Well... aside from all those blasted unicorns throwing their dratted magic everywhere, you really need to do something about that... and that bloody strip club that just opened down the street, everything's fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Music man shrugged. "I mean, there is an awful lack of sufficient booze around here."

"Which reminds me," Stygian responded moving quickly, grabbing the clerical collar around Music Man's neck and pulling him down till their heads connected eye to eye. "Next time you go on a raid you invite me!"

Music Man smiled awkwardly, he had met many peoples in his life and had torn apart quite a few of them for their threatening behavior yet there was something disconcerting about this specific pony... it probably had to do with the fact he always had an answer... he smelled of blood... he never slept... and he had the kind of eyes that belonged forever locked behind concrete walls and seven inches of bullet proof glass.

Music Man ignored the sweat that began to roll down his back. "Sorry about that, we were in a rush."

Stygian looked around at the church's clientele and sighed, releasing the gryphon. "Must have been quite the sermon."

"Oh it was!" Music Man beamed. "I called upon one of my favorites! The Drake and the Willow, in which..."

"Blah blah blah," Stygian cut him off quickly waving a negligent hoof. "If that's the case I'm gonna get out of here, looking at your flock I give it a few minutes before this room looks like a scene from the exorcist."

"Now that you say it..." Music Man responded, beginning to heave.

"Yeah goodbye," The earth pony answered making a quick trot for the exit.

"Sorry... Bluuuuurghhh!" The projectile vomit sailed gracefully through the air, striking with all religious fervor upon the back of one suddenly irate black stallion.

Stygian turned slowly, his eyes ablaze with the righteous force of damnation, vengeance written plainly in his face. There would be no mercy of course, he was far too proud to let this one slide, not again. Music Man grinned awkwardly once more, trying with all his might to hold in the next load of warm sick that threatened to break free from his beak.

But its ejection was inevitable especially in the face of the chorus that followed, as by one the flock of Music Man's church abandoned their unconsciousness to explode wildly in every direction.

It took some time for the madness to end and when it did our inquisitor was left standing in an entirely new color.

Stygian turned to the priest with a look that could only be described as hostile. "I despise you."

"I'm hating myself too right now..." The gryphon groaned, collapsing back onto his bench.

Author's Note

Excerpt from The Music Man's sermon:
And the Drake said unto the Willow, "Fear not! For thou art just a tree!"

And there was much rejoicing, and feasting on swallows, and marmosets, and stokes, and moorhens, and goats, and lambs, and more swallows, and the elusive giraffe of the Notre Planes of Zomerzet.

And let all know this lesson; that when dragons smoke weed they do weird things, don't do drugs kids, do booze! Lots of them, then eat till you die... wait don't... this is meant to be a good story... oh blast, time to break into the store house for scotch again!

The Music Man