“Nickel.”
No. Stop it.
“Niiiickel…”
No…stop calling me…get away from me…
“Nickel!”
I jolted out of bed, Ink’s sudden shout into my ear scaring me into banging my head against the ceiling. “Fuck!” I said, clutching at my head. “Ink, don’t scare me like that!”
“Sorry, Nickel. Gotta get up. Duty calls, right?” She had a point.
I should probably stop getting ahead of myself. My name is Nickel. I’m a male pegasus pony with a grey coat and a messy, rust-colored mane living in a place called Ponyville. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Only all six Bearers of the Elements live here, for Celestia’s sake. My cutie mark is of a magnifying glass. Ponies ask me, “Are you good at finding things?” Get real. I’m a damn investigator. I’m here to find rapists and murderers, not earrings and house keys.
My friend, Ink, shares my passion for investigation, even though her special talent is research. Now that I think about it, those sound pretty similar. She’s a unicorn with a charcoal coat and black mane. She’s my best friend. We’ve known each other since kindergarten. She’s never let me down, ever. I trust her with my life. She trusts me with hers. We solve crimes together. Whenever one comes up, anyways. There hasn’t been any criminal activity in Equestria with police jurisdiction in years. I’m glad us cops don’t get paid commission. The Bearers get the big stuff. Sure, I appreciate their efforts, but, hell, a pony’s gotta eat.
I sauntered into the bathroom to complete my morning routine. I preened myself, along with doing other heart-pounding activities like brushing my teeth and combing my mane, which, might I add, is useless, since it’s just naturally messy. I put on my normal suit and red tie and walked into the dining room, where Ink had already gotten herself dressed in similar attire, except her tie was purple. Usually, we’d just lie around and do nothing. After all, a crimeless city means a useless police force. The force is just a way for jobless ponies to get steady income. No one cares about actual policing. No one even wears the uniform anymore. But, today, the Princesses had requested an audience with us. We were going to meet Frostbite and Mist on the way there. Frostbite…well, he’s a pegasus like me. He has an icy blue coat with a white mane and a scale for a cutie mark, and he’s a cop, like me. Rounding out or squad is Mist. She’s a light grey earth pony with a white mane, and she has a magnifying glass like mine on her flank, too. Us four round out the Ponyville Major Case Squad. We deal with things like rape and murder. And, today, the Princesses wanted us.
I’ll save you the long, boring trip to Canterlot. It was a fucking train ride, okay? Nothing special about it. The four of us made our way into the throne room. “Hello, detectives,” Princess Celestia greeted us. We bowed our heads in respect for our ruler, who, it seems to me, has no actual political power. Anyways, Princess Luna regarded us by bowing her head. “Luna, would you like to brief the detectives? I must attend to some legal matters in Manehattan.”
“Of course. Good luck.” Celestia vanished, and Luna stepped down from her throne to greet us. “Hello, detectives.” We bowed. “We have called you here today for a…special reason. We want the four of you to head a new division of national police. The department’s working title is the Bureau. It would encompass all aspects of crime, although its existence would remain a closely guarded secret to all who did not have proper clearance. If you do accept, I give you full clearance to appoint any agent you like except for us and any politicians. If Parliament got wind of this, they would have a field day about impeaching us. But this isn’t about politics, it’s about public safety. Do you accept?”
I spoke up “It all seems so…sudden.” Ink says my voice is really smooth, like silk. “And besides, crime rates have drastically deceased over the years.”
“I beg to differ, Detective. We tend to cover up things like murders so as to not cause national panic. Murders happen much more often than you think.”
“I’m not opposed,” said Frostbite. His voice was rough, like that of a longtime smoker’s voice. Not surprising, since he was a longtime smoker.
“Neither am I,” chimed in Mist. Her voice was very soft, in a friendly tone.
“I’m cool with it,” said Ink. Her voice was smooth, with a Trottingham tone to it. She was, after all, from Trottingham.
I looked at my comrades. “That leaves me, huh?” I took a step forward. “Princess Luna, I would be my honor to lead The Bureau.”
She smiled. “Thank you, detectives. I trust you all with this Bureau and its success. As I said before, you have the authority to approach anypony who is not royalty or a politician and ask them about a job at the Bureau. Good luck.” She flared up her horn and teleported us away.
I sat up. The four of us were inside my apartment in Ponyville. “Well then. We might as well recruit some people, huh?” I said.
“Why not?” responded Frostbite. “Let’s go.”
Before long, we had rounded up a bunch of ponies that had accepted at Twilight Sparkle’s library. Everyone there had accepted the invitation to join.
“Alright, everypony,” I said, taking the floor. “We’re here today for a reason. That reason is to protect Equestria. There are many things we need to discuss, but first, we’ll do a head count. Rattle off when I call your name.” For the sake of time, I’ll tell you now, everypony on the list was there. The ponies on the list were Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Doctor Whooves, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, Lyra, Bon Bon, Derpy Hooves, Carrot Top, Lightning Dust, Soarin, Minuette, and Zecora. All twenty-one of us were present and ready. “Well, now,” I continued, “you are all aware of the purpose of this Bureau. To fight injustice. That is all for now. I’ll call you again when it’s time. And keep in mind, not everyone will work on every case. I’ll set up task forces to get things done, okay?”
“That’s IT for now!?” Rainbow Dash spoke up. “That was, like, nothing!”
“There’s not much to talk about as of now. Now, if anyone needs anything, here’s my address.” I wrote my address on the chalkboard present in the library. “Don’t hesitate if something’s wrong. Okay?”
Everyone nodded in response.
“Okay. Everyone get a good night’s sleep, now. We'll have cases to solve.”