Big Brother's Burden

by Rocket Lawn Chair

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sad, Apple Bloom, Big Macintosh, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4702

A tale of the bond developed between Big Macintosh and his two sisters. (*corrected. The cover art is "Happy Birthday, AJ" by MonochromaticBay)

The strong silent type usually have a lot more to say than they let on. Big Macintosh is no exception. His life has been filled with joys and tragedies, causing him to develop a loving bond with his sisters. This little slice-of-life story highlights some of the major events in Mac's life which have nurtured that bond.

A big thanks to All of the Above for feedback during my writing.

Cover art is titled Happy Birthday AJ

Published 2013-07-30 05:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-30 05:10:02 UTC

Big Brother's Burden

"Is... is it alright to go in yet, pa?" I asked. I was startin' to get pretty worried, though not nearly as worried as pa. Hadn't seen him pace like that since that trouble with the bank two seasons ago. Pa didn't normally fuss over anythin' unless it were real serious. Ma had been in the bedroom with the doctor most of the night, which made this pretty serious. We heard another cry of pain come from the room. I saw pa wince.

"I don't think they're quite ready for us, Mac." Pa tried coverin' his worried look to reassure me everything was gonna be fine. I could see the years o' workin' on the farm worn all over his face. I looked up into his eyes. Those big, caring, soft green eyes o' his always made me comfortable, like he was pickin' me up and tossin' me in the air the way he used to when I was smaller. Ma said I had his eyes and that made me feel good. His face looked worried again and he gave a wavering sigh. "This birth.....it's been real tough on your ma. She's a real strong one, she is. Been stickin' through for so long now...."

"She gonna be alright, pa?"

"I'm sure she's gonna be fine." I could feel the gentle and stern reassurance return to his voice. He leaned in close and ruffled my mane. "Hey now, there's nothin' to worry 'bout now. Your ma's gonna pull through this." Nopony makes a liar out o' pa. If he said ma was gonna be fine, she was gonna be fitter'n a fiddle.

"B'sides, she's got your Granny Smith in there with her. Granny wouldn't let a thing in the world happen to your mother or your new lil' sis, that's one thing for sure."

Pa was right there. Granny never let a single thing out o' her sight. I could never get keep anything secret from her, even if she weren't around to watch me. Ma was in good hooves.

A piercing cry came from the room and I stiffened up. I wish she'd stop doin' that. Every time she did, it brought me fresh worries.

"You should try to get some rest son," pa said as he gestured to my room.

"I ain't leavin', pa."I firmly planted my flank to the floor, not budging. Another cry from the room caused me to shudder. Pa smiled encouragement down on me.

"Alright, son. You can keep me company out here."

He stopped his anxious pacing and sat down next to me. Putting his hoof around my shoulder, he drew me in close to him. I relaxed and laid my head against his broad, warm side. Being next to him there wiped away the troubling thoughts I had. I could hear his heart, an even, rhythmic thump-thump, far more relaxed than my own. I slowed my breathing down and tried to get my heartbeat to match his. His comforting warmth and soothing heartbeat relieved my worries. Without realizing it, I began to doze off.

I musta been asleep for a couple o' hours; I could see the dawns light peekin' through the shutters. I yawned and stretched. I looked up at pa. His eyelids were half closed. Upon noticing me awake, he smiled warmly.

"Slept well?"

"Yep." I replied. "How's ma?"

"Haven't heard much noise from that room for a while now."

Just as he spoke, we heard the door creak open. The doctor walked out, her mane all a frazzled mess. She noted us both and gave us a weak smile.

"Why don't you come in and meet the newest member of your family?"

It was like a hundred bales of hay had been lifted from pa's back. The agonizing concern he had before melted from his face. His green eyes sparkled with tears. He wore a smile fit to outshine the sun.

"Well, come on son. Let's meet your new lil' sister!"

I couldn't say no to a face like that. You could tell pa wanted the whole world to know about this moment. I quickly shook off my drowsiness and sprung up without hesitation.

Ma was lyin' in her bed with Granny Smith hoverin' over her like a mother hen. I could see where tears had streaked down ma's face. She looked plum tuckered, but she was smilin' right then. They were both lookin' at the little bundle ma had wrapped in her forelegs. She was holdin' that bundle closer'n tighter than I ever seen her hold somethin' before. When she saw us, her eyes sparkled.

"How're y'doin, honey?" pa asked.

"Tired," was about all ma could manage for an answer.

"Ain't she just the most precious thing y'ever laid eyes on?" said Granny Smith.

"Pa, I can't quite see. Can y'lift me up?" I asked. Wordlessly he lifted me up so I could get a proper look at my new sister.
Beneath the bundle of blankets peeped two bright green eyes framed in a chubby orange face, a tiny little thing.

"She's so small," I said. "Was I ever that small?"

"Almost," said pa, not taking his eyes from the small newborn. "You were a tad bigger'n she is."

I looked her up'n down. Not much to look at, but there was definitely a lot for her to look at. Her wide eyes darted about until they settled on me. She gave a little squeak of a laugh.

"She looked kinda like an apple dumpling," I said, chuckling. "Is that what her name's gonna be?"

Pa chuckled back. "Name her after your second cousin? Nope. Your ma'n me 'av already picked out a name for your sister."

Ma nodded, still smiling feebly. "Applejack," she whispered.

I took an instant liking to the name. It seemed to fit a heap better than Apple Dumpling.
"Applejack. That's a good name." Leaning over her, I whispered softly. "Hey there, little 'un! I'm your new big brother, Macintosh!"

The tiny filly reached up to me weakly with her frail forelegs, giggling.

"Ha! I think she likes you already, Mac!" laughed pa.

"Can ya lower me a bit closer, pa?" I asked.

Pa obliged and carefully knelt down. I reached out my hoof to touch her tiny hoof. She squealed with delight as our hooves touched for the first time. She was my new baby sister, Applejack. Nothin' would ever happen to her, not while I was around.

_________________________________________

"Macintosh! Mac! Where are you?"

I jumped in surprise, my head hitting the low limb of the apple tree above me. It hit so hard that I dropped the bucket of apples I had been carryin' in my teeth.

"Mac! Where'd ya- oh. Sorry big brother," said Applejack appearing around the tree.

"Don't worry about it," I said wincing and rubbing the back of my head. "You want me for somethin'?"
I could see the stubborn pout in her eyes. Of course she wanted something. She huffed and kicked the dirt with her hoof.

"Ma and pa just don' understand," she said indignantly. "I came to you, 'cause I knew you would understand."

"Well, ya gonna make me guess at what the problem is?" I asked jokingly, leaning over to pick up my dropped bucket.

"My cutie mark, Mac! All the other fillies already have theirs! I must be the last one in my class without one!"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. It had been the third time this week she was complaining about her lack of a cutie mark. Of course ma and pa had tried to sit her down and explain that these things take time. That was time Applejack obviously didn't want to take. I don't remember myself bein' all that impatient to get mine, though I was the last in my class. It just kinda showed up one day as I was harvestin' out in the orchard.

"C'mon, big brother!" she pleaded, "you remember what it was like to not have your cutie mark! I can't keep livin' not knowin' what my special talent is!"

"You aint gettin' made fun of at school, are ya?" I asked, stiffening.

Applejack kinda shied away from me and looked at the ground. "No..... well, yes..... well, not really. I don't really care about all the teasin', I just wanna know what my special talent is!"

That was somethin' I could certainly relate to. Even with my cutie mark, I felt at times that I had more to do in life than that little apple slice suggested. I smiled at her the way pa always did.

"I know what you're feelin' right now, sis. You gotta believe me, though. Worryin' about your cutie mark will drive you insane, and it don't make it come any quicker."

She sat down glumly. This obviously wasn't the answer she was lookin' for. I couldn't stand to see her like that.

"Hey, why don't ya give me a hoof with the rest of these apples? See if we can't get your cutie mark in some apple buckin'?"
She looked back up to me, her eyes lighting up. "Really? Apple buckin'? But I aint big enough yet!"

"I started when I was your age. Go on and give it a try," I said pointing to the apple tree behind me.
She got up eagerly and walked over to the tree. Backing herself up slowly, she checked over her shoulder for distance. She put up her hind legs and bucked as hard as she could. A tiny shiver went up the trunk of the tree. A single apple fell down and hit her on the head.

"Yeowch!" she yelped.

I tried stifling a laugh, pretty badly. "I guess that makes us even on head bonkin', now don't it?"

"Ugh, I guess," she said rubbing her head. "How'd I do?"

"It weren't bad for your first time. You should keep lookin' at the tree trunk when you buck. Just a good way to start out. I think you got talent there, though. You wanna keep tryin'?"

"Nah, think I'm done with this for now. I'm gonna look for another thing I could try to find my talent in."
She began heading back through the orchard, still rubbing her head.

"Don't try anythin' that involves hittin' your head!" I called after her.

She laughed back at me, "Haha, I won't!"

She probably would, stubborn filly. I smiled and shook my head, picking up the last few apples that had fallen out of the bucket. I lifted my head and hit it on the same darn branch again.

_____________________________________________

I don't think you could ask for a more beautiful spring day. The sky was clear and a crisp spring breeze blew beautiful apple blossom smells through the air. I don't really know why the day had to be so good when I couldn't appreciate its pleasures. Granny Smith had returned to the farmhouse weeping a while back. Applejack was still quietly sobbing into my shoulder. I was just sittin' there like a statue. I felt like there were no feelin' left for me to have. Felt like I had used 'em all up in the last few months of sorrow. It didn't feel right for any of us to be sittin' here where we were now. I felt so outta place here, just so unnatural. And yet there we sat, like two outta place ponies before ma and pa's graves. I could feel Applejack still shaking, her dry eyes still tryin' to cry tears. She had run out of tears a while ago. I drew her closer, hoping to provide some comfort. What little I could give she accepted, and that gave me some comfort too.

It all seemed to happen so fast, and yet painfully slow. The sickness got to pa first. I'd already taken up all the chores around the farm so that everything would be smooth when pa got better. He never did.

"Mac," he told me by his bedside, "take care of your ma and your sisters. You're the stallion of the family now." Ma had been standing outside his room, weeping. She had enough on her plate, bein' pregnant with our next sister. This sorrow was not what she needed.

"I will pa," I said with tears in my eyes. He smiled back at me with his comforting green eyes, tryin' to put a bold face on like he always did.

"I know you will, son."

Few months later, ma came down with the same sickness. The birth of our new sister was a mix of joy and pain. The coming of new life, and the loss of another. There's no way a pony could sensibly handle this. It all seemed senseless in its entirety. Why did ma and pa both have to go?

"I let pa down," I thought. "I couldn't take care of ma. How can I take care of my sisters, too?" Fresh tears I didn't know I still had came flowing down my cheeks. The brisk spring wind chilled 'em to my face, but I didn't care. I wanted to let 'em sting, let 'em last forever.

Ma and pa were buried 'neath pa's favorite apple tree. It was the tree he had planted many long years ago with his pa, and the tree where he'n ma first met. It's blossoms had a sweet scent to 'em now. They would grow into big 'ol Macintosh apples later. Pa had brought me out to this tree on several occasions when I was a young colt.

"We wanted to name you after the apples that grow from this tree," pa told me on one trip.

"Why did ya want to to that?" I remember asking. Pa soft green eyes seemed to shine on me when he told me.

"It 'cause this tree holds a special place in mine and your ma's hearts, just like you."

I had kept asking him, "What's special about this tree, pa?"

He smiled and shrugged. "I guess it reminds me of all the love this family spreads," he said. "I planted it with my pa, and first met your ma under its branches. Every year we pick its fruit and share some of that love with all sort of other folks. You see that?" he said, pointing to the blossoms of the tree, "that's love bloomin' right there. We pick love in the summer, we partake in it with our family, and we spread it. You remind your ma and me of that every time we think of you, Mac."

I wanted to cry more, but I was runnin' on empty. Applejack hadn't made much of a sound in several minutes. I could feel her breathing softly, her head pressed tightly to my side. I didn't ever wanna let her go.

"Mac?" she said, shakily.

"Yeah?" I replied.

She sighed deeply. "Ma never told us what she wanted our new sis's name to be. We need to think of one for 'er."

"What do ya think ma 'n pa would like?" I asked.

"I....I don't know."

I didn't really wanna think about this right now. There was too much I didn't understand, too much confusing emotion surrounding my new sis right now. Everything felt muddled in my brain. Then I remembered pa's kind, encouraging face that day in the orchard, underneath this very tree. I thought of the love ma and pa had given me, and shared with the rest of Ponyville for years. It felt clear to me now. I needed a little love to bloom outta these sad times. I looked up like I had done years before and saw the sweet-smelling blossoms in the tree.

"I think we should name her Apple Bloom," I said.

Applejack looked up to me, her dry, sorrowful eyes sparkled a bit. "I think that's a good name. Ma'n pa woulda liked it."

"Yeah," I sniffed, "I think so too."

_____________________________________________

The wind was blowin' torrents of rain against the side of the farmhouse. I glanced outside just as lightning cracked the sky in two. Nights like this I'd always run into ma and pa's room and hide under their covers 'till the storm passed. Ma would hug me close to her and stroke my mane gently. Pa would put a reassuring hoof over my back, whispering that everything was gonna be fine. I was almost full grown now, but I'd give anything to be able to do that again tonight. To feel their warm bodies close to mine and hear their soft reassurance. I sniffed a little when I thought of little Apple Bloom. She'd never know the love of her ma and pa. She'd never be able to jump under their covers and hear from them that all would be fine. It wasn't fair. None of it was fair. In the few years that had passed since their death, I still didn't understand it. Pa and ma had left such a burden on my hooves, such big horseshoes to fill. I knew I could never take their place in a million years. Another splinter of lightning illuminated the sky, followed by a vicious thunderclap that seemed to shake the house. I tossed and turned, unable to sleep with so much on my mind. Suddenly, I heard the creak of my bedroom door and the quick patter of small hooves across my floor. I felt a small body land in the bed beside me and quickly bury itself in the covers.

"Apple Bloom? Havin' trouble sleepin'?"

I could feel her small body shaking beneath my covers beside me. "C-c-can I sleep with y-y-you tonight, big brother?"

I suppose this was my job now. "Sure you can. Come on, get close to me."

She crawled her way up tight against my side. I could feel her small, quivering body begin to relax slowly. I patted her mane gently, like I remember ma doin'.

"There, that's better. You don't need to worry 'bout a silly little storm, not with your big brother here to watch over you."

I heard the door creak open again.
"Hehe...er....I guess it's gettin' a bit crowded in here?"

"Come on in, Applejack," I chuckled.

She walked over to my bed. Another bolt of lightning caused her to quicken her pace and she hopped in next to Apple Bloom.

"Guess we're all here," said Applejack.

"Except for Granny Smith," replied Apple Bloom.

"I wouldn't worry 'bout her," I mused, "the sound her snorin' makes gives this thunder a run for its money."

At this, my sisters both laughed. I hadn't heard Applejack laugh like that in some time. I smiled and laughed too. Another clap of thunder shook the house and I could feel Applejack tryin' to get closer to me.

"Ow! You're squishin' me, sis!" said Apple Bloom, muffled between us.

"Oh, sorry Apple Bloom," replied Applejack as she relaxed a bit.

It felt good to have my two sisters here with me, the two things I held most dear in this world. I was their big brother; they both relied on me and I would always be there for 'em. Bein' close with them just made me think more of ma and pa when they would comfort me through these storms. I fought back a surge of tears.

"Somethin' wrong?" inquired Apple Bloom.

I coulda told her the truth. I coulda told her what had been on my mind, keeping me awake for so many nights. Part of me really did wanna tell somepony, tell 'em that I was tryin. Tryin' so hard to be the big brother they needed. Tryin' so hard to fill that impossible-to-fill gap. Tryin' so hard to be like pa was: strong, confident, and always there when I needed him. She wouldn't understand, though.
"Nope," I simply replied.

Nopony spoke for a while after that. The rain was still makin' quite a racket outside. The warmth of my two sisters helped to put my mind at ease.

"Mac?"

"Yeah, Apple Bloom?"

"What were ma and pa like?"

I heard Applejack sniff a bit and begin to cry softly. I could feel my own tears beginnin' to well up. For a little filly, Apple Bloom could sure hit where it hurt. But, she deserved an answer. Gatherin' my emotions, I tried puttin' on a bold face, like pa would. I took a deep breath and exhaled shakily.

"Your ma was, well, you couldn't ask for a better ma. Kind, affectionate, warm, and gentle. She had a smile brighter'n any you ever seen. She could charm the apples off the trees with her smile, as pa always said. She had a soft, cherry-red mane, a lot like yours. It always smelled like apple tarts. Your pa was a real strong mountain of a stallion, stronger'n ten ponies put together. You could never make a liar out of pa. What he said was always the honest truth. Even if things looked bad, you could count on pa to make things alright in the end. And his eyes?" I smiled a bit and felt an unbidden tear run down my cheek. "Ma always said I had eyes like pa."

Apple Bloom snuggled closer to me.
"I like your eyes, Mac."

When I heard her say that, I couldn't help myself smilin' any more than I could help the tears streamin' down my cheeks. I gathered my sisters closer to make sure they could never leave my grasp. I drifted off to sleep in a mix of joy and heartbreak.

____________________________________________

"Don't worry, we'll bring Applejack back," assured Twilight.

Granny Smith patted my back and I could hear Apple Bloom beginning to sob next to me. I couldn't help myself from shedding a few tears of my own.

"Why would she leave us like that?" I thought in a mix of anger and grief.

I held the letter she sent home and turned it over for the twentieth time. That couldn't be all the letter said. She didn't say where she was going, how long she was going, or why she was going. I clung to those words "not coming back to Ponyville" in her hoofwriting. I couldn't get 'em outta my head. They made no sense for her to say.

Her friends began to head off towards the train station. I had to stop myself from goin' with 'em. I should be goin'. Nopony knows Applejack like I do.

No, I was needed here, on the farm. Granny Smith and Apple Bloom needed me. Besides, I knew Applejack's friends pretty well. I had confidence that they would find her. And yet, I couldn't shake the doubts I had. Why would she not want to come back? We all walked back into the house, our heads hung low. I gave a small attempt to cheer Granny Smith and Apple Bloom.

"Come on, now. We know her friends. They'll find Applejack sure 'nuff."

"That's right!" said Granny Smith with a wink. "Applejack has some humdinger friends there! We'll probably see 'em trottin' down here with Applejack this very evenin'!"

"Really?" sniffed Apple Bloom, smiling hopefully at Granny Smith.

"I'd bet a jackrabbits whiskers, they'll be back!" she replied, ruffling Apple Bloom's mane.

It was impossible to think they'd find her in one day, but Granny had the right idea. We had to keep hope alive.

That night, I decided to leave the porch lamp lit and sit up waiting for Applejack. I sat on the porch bench, drinkin' in the refreshing night air, watchin' the stars peep out one by one in the night sky. Granny Smith was snorin' up a storm in her favorite rockin' chair. I had gotten pretty used to that by now. It hardly phased me as I sorted through the thoughts and feelings I had muddled in my head.

Applejack and I had been through so much together. Ma and pa raised her as best they could until they passed on, leavin' me with the reigns of the family. Since then, I had to help Granny Smith raise my two sisters. I'd taught Applejack everythin' she knows about apple buckin'. I remember the first time I showed her how. On her first try, the one apple she managed to buck landed right on her head. I chuckled to myself when I thought about it. She's grown up so much. She aint a little filly no more. I needed to give her more room to roam. I think her bein' with her friends gave her that freedom she needs, but that aint gonna stop me from bein' there for her.

Why would she leave, though? Have I been too possessive? Did she just need to get away from all of us? Away from me?

"Mac? Have you seen any of 'em yet?"

"Nope, Apple Bloom. Haven't seen 'em yet, though I'll be sure to tell you first." I turned to see Apple Bloom standing in the front entrance, her face lowered.

"Have a seat here. We'll wait for 'em together."

She hopped up beside me, her eyes still fixed on the porch. I could tell she was worryin' about the same things I was worryin' about.

"Hey, don't give me those sad eyes. Look at me," I said.

Apple Bloom looked up, tears forming in the corners of her big, cinnamon eyes. She began to relax when she looked into my eyes.

"Your sister is the most faithful, hardworking, and loving sister you could ask for. We've been through troubles together, but that's how our troubles always end: together." I looked out over the orchard, the soft blanket of night covering the landscape. "Your sister is out there, but she's comin' back. We're a family. We always come together in the end."

She sighed softly and began to snuggle up against my side.

"Yep, we sure do," she said, her eyelids closing. An exhausted yawn escaped her mouth and she fell asleep on my lap like a cat. While she slept, I thought about the day we named her, 'neath pa's favorite apple tree.

Apple Bloom. A little bud 'o love for troubled times. Where there was love, there was no shortage of hope. I stroked her mane softly as she slept. I didn't want to get up and wake her. I didn't mind watin' out here 'till the end of the world, or 'till Applejack came home. Whichever came first.

The following afternoon we received an express letter from Applejack's friends. It was a long letter. I figured Twilight musta written it. "....We will be arriving later this afternoon with Applejack...." was the only part of that letter I cared about.

The train could not have arrived any sooner. As soon as Applejack stepped onto the station platform, all my worries melted away. I felt like I knew pa musta felt when Applejack was born, the weight of concerns lifted from my back. I saw in her eyes the same sparkle of joy that she had when she was born, when she set eyes on me for the first time. It was like she was seen' me for the first time again, and I was seein' her for the first time.

As we left the station, I saw she had tears in her eyes. I lifted her chin and smiled at her, watching her teary eyes glisten in the sunlight.

"Mac?" she said.

"Yep?"

"I-I just....thanks for bein' there for me."

She didn't really need to say it. It was written all over her face. But it filled me with joy to hear it. It was the same joy that I felt whenever my two precious sisters were around. The same joy I got from teachin' Applejack how to buck apples. The same joy I got from bringin' up Apple Bloom with Applejack and Granny Smith. The same joy I got when my hoof and Applejack's touched for the first time. The same joy I got whenever I looked into pa's eyes, or felt ma's warm smile upon me.

"You know I'll always be there for you."

I scooped up Apple Bloom on my back, feelin' like the happiest stallion alive.