Sliverfish's Selection of Shoddy Short Stories
"I am proud to present, Equestria's newest pimp, Princess Twilight "Pimpcess" Sparkle!" Princess Celestia announced to the massive crowd in front of her which almost instantly erupted with applause and cheers. A few moments later, a purple alicorn walked out in front of the ponies and stood in front of the microphone stand.
"Wow, just.... I can't - words can't describe how I feel right now. Thank you so much, Princess."
"There's no need to thank me. Now, are you ready to be transformed?" The sun goddess turned to Twilight as her horn began to glow.
"My body.... my body is ready." She responded, and as soon as she finished her sentence, the whole room was covered with glittery smoke. The crowd was unsure as of what to expect. This was the first time anyone apart from Celestia had seen the transformation from pony to pimp. As the smoke cleared, they could still see Twilight, but she was wearing a gold chain necklace, a fur hat, a silk cape and shutter shades.
"Ayo, this is some dope shit right here, man." Twilight sounded not like her normal self, but like Kanye West. The crowd began cheering again, even louder than before as a tailor-made silk throne was brought out for the newly crowned pimp.
Twilight Sparkle, henceforth known as Twilizzle Spizzle, looked at her kingdom of adoring ponies and all the bitches that were now hers and thought to herself "Man, I'm finally here" as she sat on her throne as the Fresh Pimpcess of Equestria. Her thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice.
"Twily!" She turned around and saw a blue maned white pony running towards her. "Twirly, you're a pimp! I can't belie- OW!" Shining Armour received a pimp slap to the face.
"Fuck you, white pony bitch." Twilizzle spat. "Also, it's Twilizzle Spizzle now."
"Twily- Twilizzle, it's your brother! Take it easy!" Shining said, rubbing his hoof against his cheek.
"Aww, ah, yeah man, sorry 'bout that, man." Twilizzle apologised, pulling her brother into a tight, one armed hug as their parents arrived.
"I can't believe it! A pimp! A pimp in our family!" Their mother squealed, tears of joy trickling down her face.
"We're so proud of you, Twilight." Their father added, a tear forming in his eyes also.
Shining Armour quickly cast a locking charm on Twilizzle's arms to prevent her from pimp slapping her father.
"Actually," he said, "It's "Twilizzle Spizzle now."
"Oookay. Well, we've had a long day, so I guess it's time to hit the hay, I'll see you two tomorrow. Bye!" Their dad said as the two parents left.
"Should pimp slap that stallion-bitch, cryin' like a pussy." Twilizzle muttered.
"What?" Shining Armour said.
"Nothin'."
...........................
Twilizzle Spizzle sprang out of bed the instant she woke up the next day. Her pimp senses were tingling. Everyone from the lowest bitch to the pimpest pimp knew that when a pimp's "pimp senses" were tingling, it meant that somewhere, not far away, was a bitch out of line that needed a good pimp slap.
As she passed the entrance to her basement/laboratory/sex dungeon, she heard a weak cry for help.
"Twilight?"
"Damnit, Spike," Twilizzle yelled, "I fuckin' told y'all last night I'm now Twilizzle Spizzle."
"Someone.... Someone please help me...."
"Bitch, when I get back, you're gonna get the pimp slappin' of a lifetime." The pimpcess stormed out of the library in search of the bitch that was out of line. She already knew Spike wasn't the bitch that needed to be pimp slapped. Only pony bitches could affect pimp senses.
"I haven't eaten in five days...."
................................
Twilizzle searched around the outside of her library, and saw the towns mailpony, Derpy Hooves, putting her mail in the letterbox. This HAD to be the bitch. Even her eyes were out of line, for fuck sake.
"Oh, hi, Twilight! Congratulations on becoming the newest p-" Derpy was interrupted by a firm smack to the face. Twilizzle stood over the weeping, trembling mare and continued pimp slapping her. But her pimp senses were still tingling as much as they were when she woke up and she realised that as much as Derpy was out of line, she wasn't the bitch she was looking for. Twilizzle ran off to find the out-of-line bitch, leaving the cross-eyed mailpony trembling in a puddle of her own tears.
Twilizzle stopped in the middle of an empty road. "Where the hell was this bitch?" She thought to herself. She had to find this bitch, whoever she was, and fast. She had heard about some pimps whose pimp senses tingled for too long and became insane. She turned around and was surprised to see a pink pony with bright blue eyes and a poofy pink mane staring back at her.
"Hi, Equestria's newest pimp! How's it pimpin'?" Pinkie had no time to laugh at her fucking stupid joke before Twilizzle pounced on her and started slapping her. But just like before, her senses were still tingling.
"God damn, where the fuck is this bitch?" Twilizzle looked around and saw a large group of mares protesting the use of fur in clothing. She couldn't believe her eyes. Half her wardrobe contained fur clothing and they wanted to BAN it? Those bitches were WAY out of line. Twilizzle charged at them and smacked a lime coloured mare holding a sign with "FUR IS MURDER" on it in bold red letters. The other protestors noticed her fur hat and screamed.
"MURDERER!"
"FUR IS MURDER!" They ran towards Twilizzle, trampling their friend whilst doing so. Twilizzle began waving her arms in the air like a mentally retarded pimp toddler, smacking them over and over. The protestors retaliated by grabbing their signs and clubbing Twilizzle with them. The Pimpcess continued pimp slapping them all before a protestors sign hit her in the face.
........................................
Twilizzle woke up to the warm sensation of water being poured over her face. 'Wait', she thought, 'Warm?' The Pimpcess opened her eyes and saw two royal guards tipping a bottle filled with a golden liquid over her face.
"Aww, hell naw, what the fuck, yo?! I'll fuckin' whoop yo asses, bitch!" She shouted at the guards as they ran off, giggling like schoolfillies. Twilizzle tried to run after them, but as she tried to, she tripped over.
"What the f- God damn." She cursed as she saw her legs tied together. The door opened and another guard stood in the doorway.
"Miss Sparkle?"
"Bitch, it's Twilizzle Spi-"
"Just follow me." The guard said as he used his magic to untie Twilizzle and walked out the door. Twilizzle bolted after the guard to keep up.
"So where the hell am I goin'?" She said, wincing from the pain in her legs caused by the protestors beating the shit out of her with signs.
"You'll see." The two reached the end of the hallway. A door was the only thing in front of them.
"After you." The guard said, stepping to the side.
"Fuckin' right." Twilizzle mumbled, kicking the door open. Inside was a large room filled with ponies. They were all sitting in rows. One thing Twilight noticed was that some of them were covered in bruises and cuts. The moment she realised this, she recognised them. Derpy, Pinkie Pie and some of the protestors. Derpy was trying to eat a muffin in front of her, but her jaw was wired shut from her injuries. Pinkie Pie's hair was straight and curl-free, her face bruised and tear-stained. The protestors faces were swollen and they were sitting in wheelchairs. She saw her family sitting on the other side of the room from the injured ponies. Shining Armour was comforting their grief-stricken mother and was looking at her in a way that said "You should be ashamed of yourself". Their father simply looked ahead, refusing to acknowledge his daughter. Twilizzle walked to her seat and sat down.
"Fillies and gentlecolts, the Honorable Princess Celestia." The Royal Guard whom she followed said out loud before leaving. The princess in question sat up in her chair at the front of the room.
"Twilight Sparkle, the evidence against you is staggering. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Celestia said, staring daggers at Twilizzle.
"Yeah, you's a bitch!" Twilizzle said, staring swords at Celestia.
"Well, then I guess we can get to the sentence." The princess said, clearing her throat. "Twilight Sparkle, for multiple counts of assault, grievous bodily harm AND misuse of pimp powers, I sentence you to a lifetime banishment. To the moon."
"Ey, what the hell, that's bullshit!" Twilizzle shouted as two guards dragged her in front of Celestia. Before she could even try to run away, the pale white alicorn shot a spell at her.
..............................
Darkness. Twilizzle was surrounded by it. Not just the lack of sunlight on the moon, but that deep, meaningful, super angsty darkness. The disgraced pimp realised how much she had fucked up. She beat up innocent ponies, killed two protestors and worst of all, she had brought great dishonour to not only her family but the whole pimp community. She was out of line. SHE was the out of line bitch who needed to be slapped. Now, her pimp senses were tingling more than ever. Twilizzle raised her hoof in front of her, ready to slap herself, but immediately froze up. She learned in pimp school that pimps slapping themselves have had dangerous consequences. But pimps can never leave an out of line bitch unslapped. Twilizzle flung her hand at her face, bracing herself for whatever consequences laid ahead for her.
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In a small town in Australia, a fat thirteen year old finished typing his newest story.
"Finally, I'm done! Now, time for be- What the fuck?" He looked out of his window and saw the moon, with a large, black cloud covering it.
Author's Note
This chapter was inspired by and dedicated to the memory of Chuckward.
2011 - 2013