I often find myself wondering who I am, and why I'm here. I'm not particularly talented, nor am I exceptionally intelligent. I'm just a pegasus living an earth pony's dream, some might say. One thing that sets me apart from others is that I carry the burden of a life undeserved. I should have died when I was still just a young filly with a bare flank, but I was spared. I've never been one to believe in fate or destiny, but it seems my life has greatly influenced the lives of those I love, be it positively or otherwise. Due to the injuries I sustained as a foal, I'll never fly again, not that I was ever a strong flyer to begin with, and I also now have a series of minor vision problems. I suppose I could consider those things my punishments for the choices I've made in life, as if the life itself isn't punishment enough.
Now here I am, staring out the window of the express train from Manehatten to Ponyville. The sunset over the city never fails to be beautiful, even during the rain. Spontaneous drops tap at my window while I stare outward, and I can't help but think of her. She loved the rain. Knowing I'll once again get to touch and see her, to tell my precious Cheerilee that I love her brings joyous tears to my eyes. However, knowing I'll soon after depart, only to crawl into an empty bed, cold and alone, fills my heart with somber aches. Words can't begin to describe how much I miss her, but as Cheerilee assured me so many times before, she will always be in my heart, wherever I may go.
Regrets still fill every thought, and my will to go on rests firmly in the hooves of one peculiarly talented young flyer. I owe everything to her, as she changed my life in a way like no other. Rainbow Dash: I miss her dearly, more than I ever could have imagined, more than anything in the world. Even so, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to face her again.
As time goes by and I grow older, I try to recall just when I lost sight of what I once believed I truly lived for. I spent my entire life clinging to these notions that I'm my own mare and that I could do anything I wanted if I put my mind to it, but it's that determination to prove myself to everyone around me that has been so detrimental to what I stood for. Who have I become, when I've striven so hard to become myself. I've based who I am off my various foal-hood idols, and in turn become a mess of a self-loathing unidentifiable liar. Even now I can feel myself forcing these emotions, as if I'm hollow and have turned to relying entirely on fabricated thoughts to feel anything at all. I'd even go so far as to say my love for Cheerilee is nothing more than a desperate attempt to cling to something real, when the truth is that I'm so far gone that I do nothing more than wallow in the remains of a dead and broken dream of happiness, an unattainable goal, or an idealistic, nonexistent world. I just want so badly for that not to be true, and to someday fall back into the blissful world I once thrived in.
When did an ambitious and loving mare such as myself become a pitiful wreck of a pony? How did I let myself slip so far away in such a short amount of time? A naive dream of eternal love and infinite success turned its back on me, only to reveal its true nature as it faced me again as a corrupt lie. It struck true, piercing my heart with its cold, silver dagger, and left me to rot within the darkness of my own hollow, cracking shell.
I'm not the same pony I was when I was younger. I only hope that they can accept that.
Scootaloo, signing out ~
The young pegasus pressed her cheek against the train window and rested her closed journal on her lap, her eyes following the few distant trees as the train sped down the track. She blinked the tears from her misty eyes, and a trembling breath eased from her lips. Thoughts of the past lurked deep in the darkest recesses of her mind while she gazed out over the horizon, thoughts of a younger, more carefree and loving version of herself.
The deafening white-noise of the tracks beneath the wheels of the train echoed through the plains before being muffled out by the thick trees of the Everfree Forest. Scootaloo looked up through the dark, dense woods.
"Won't be much longer now. Only a few more hours," she thought aloud, glancing to a snoozing passenger sitting across from her.
She twiddled her hooves and glanced around the train car, then began to nonchalantly whistle. The passenger stirred, and she quickly silenced herself. "Sorry..." she whispered.
With a snicker at the pony's subtle snoring, she reached into her bag in search of something to occupy the time. Rifling through the miscellaneous mess that was her saddlebag, she gripped a book of interest.
Heh... this old thing. She replaced a large brown book from the bag with her journal. Its spine was ripped and taped in several locations, and the edges were frayed and worn-in. She looked over the cover, and her crooked smile fell into a grimace.
Property of Scootaloo.
Keep out or Rainbow Dash will kick your flank!
Scootaloo scoffed and rolled her eyes. Oh how I wish those words were true... I'd pay to see that.
A mirthful tear rolled down her cheek as she opened the book and read over the first page.
I'm not so used to this diary thing, but my therapist says it'll be healthy to write down my feelings. Gag. Okay so yeah... feelings feelings feelings. I guess I miss my mom, but that's probably normal. She'll be back home any day now and everything will be back to normal. We still haven't heard from Dad even though she keeps sending letters, so that's kind of a bummer I guess. What's really a bummer is that tomorrow's the first day of school. I'm so not looking forward to that. Well that's enough writing for one day, I'm tired.
Scootaloo, signing out ~
She spotted the date of the entry.
Where has the time gone? she wondered, glancing out the window into the pitch black forest.
With a rueful sigh, she turned the next page.
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***—The Scootaloo
Diaries***
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