Jared Milton Dies at the End or The Tale of a Stripper Sombra or The Rise of B0NER or Blarg or The Best Fanfic Ever Written or A Story About Sombra Finding A Magic Brick That Helps Him Save All of Equestria or I Can't Believe I'm Writing This or

by JenkinsRevenge

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Original Character, Comedy, King Sombra, Other, Adventure, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human
Length: 2453

Everyone's favorite youtuber is leading a revolution against Equestria and the princesses are away for a royal clopfic in the overused Griffon Kingdom. To stop this wave of stupidity and unfathomable insecurity, our hero resurrects [i]him.[/i]

When outcast by modern human society, an angered Jared Milton stumbled into a portal leading to Equestria. After accidently arriving, he decides to spread his 'SWAG' (Super Weirdly Agressive Gangrene, which only reacts to ponies) and repulsive larva level intelligence views. The new ponified Jared will lead Equestria in a new age of ignorance and depression with an army of clones. To clarify: he's the main antagonist.

With Celestia and Luna doing a clopfic in the overused Griffon Kingdom, it's up to the anarchist community of B0NER to stop this fiend of stupidity and fuglyness. With a transvestite stripper Sombra, a polished brick, and the lavender brew of unstoppable goo, nothing can go wrong.

Soon the tyranny of the Royal Pony Sisters will come to an end. For very soon, Equestria will go to war with the most unlikely of foes, and the worst of puns. Prepare your virgins, the fic of the century is coming. Oh yes, dear reader, batten down the hatches, prepare your buttocks, and spread the proclamation, for after all, Jared Milton dies at the end of this.....

WaRnInG~!
This story contains graphic material such as:
Jared Milton,
Stallions in speedos,
Smooze,
Chaos,
Jared Milton,
Sex and alcoholic references,
Internet slang,
Jared Milton,
Logic,
Jared Milton,
Humor--Jared Milton,
Jared--Jar--Milton,
Ja--jared--milt--jared--miljar--

Balls to Stygian359 for editing. And check out the amazing reading done by Weird Alicorn on his youtube channel here (i would put the video because it's youtube buuuuut no videos or images in story descriptions remember :/)

What people have said about 'JMDATENTTOFASSOTROBOBOTBFEWOASASFAMBTHHSAOEOICBIWTO':

"Actually i though it was quiet funny :moustache: Bueno." ~mist vale

"....I think I'm too confused to be offended..." ~Scarheart76

"I enjoy breathing, and I've already laughed myself half to death just from the description, so I'm not going to read this. Have a like anyways :pinkiehappy:

Pardon me while I suffocate :rainbowlaugh:" ~StLeibowitz

"Tip of Spike's pimp hat to you, sir." ~Adorned ungulate

"Sombra has just been reduced to absolutely nothing; this is hilarious. *laughs* I have the biggest smile on my face as I'm reading this guys." ~Weird Alicorn

"I couldn't resist snorting when I saw the mature tag." ~CM12

":rainbowlaugh: I CAN'T WAIT TO FuCKING RevIeW THIS!!
I JUST REAd ThE FrEAKiN TITLE AND DeSCRipT AND I WaS AlReaDy DiEiNG of LauGhter. LOL. Can't wait. lol" ~Aruzo Night

"FOR THE GLORY OF B0NER!!!" ~Stygian359

[img]http://oi57.tinypic.com/2r2n0wi.jpg[/img]

Published 2013-07-31 21:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-30 16:50:48 UTC

[{1}]: It's Only the Beginning.../ [{1}]: Es sólo el principio.../ [{1}]: Es ist nur der Anfang.../ [{1}]: તે ફક્ત શરુ ચોક્કો.../ [{1}]: Bu sadece başlangıç.../ [{1}]: នេះគឺគ្រាន់តែជាការចាប់ផ្តើម.../ [{1}]: ນີ້ເປັນພຽງແຕ່ກາ

[{1}]: It's Only the Beginning.../ [{1}]: Es sólo el principio.../ [{1}]: Es ist nur der Anfang.../ [{1}]: તે ફક્ત શરુ ચોક્કો.../ [{1}]: Bu sadece başlangıç.../ [{1}]: នេះគឺគ្រាន់តែជាការចាប់ផ្តើម.../ [{1}]: ນີ້ເປັນພຽງແຕ່ກາ

The ground shook angrily, shoving dirt and rock into the air. Coughing joined the many other battle and death cries of the battlefield. Flashes of purple and bronze cascaded across the sky as volley after volley of magical energy was thrust up in the direction of the foe.

Sombra blinked and pushed through the pain of his stinging eyes and hooves. One hoof covering the wide gash in his side, the other wielding a brick of fine polish and majesty.

شاق purred softly in his steel hoof, begging to be unleashed upon another one of the enemy warriors. It took all of the king's willpower not to give in to the stone block's urges.

Shrugging the swallowing temptation off, Sombra continued to move towards the center of the battle, approaching his archenemy, the leader of the mindless drones: Jared.

His eyes landing on the psychopath, a new heated wave of rage and hatred drenched Sombra. The light purr of شاق spiked in tune with the king's savage intentions, pushing him over the edge. With every step, Sombra laid waste to another one of the clones, cutting down the idiot's numbers while drawing nearer to him.

A few hundred meters away, Scarred Shade caught a glimpse of Sombra, his bloodshot eyes locked on Jared Milton, the prick holding his own against seven ponies, using only his 4 foot long floppy dildo, the Penetrator.

A roar of tremendous caliber echoed as a titanic stallion clone of Jared's clone charged her. The brute reared his entire body before crashing his front hooves into the earth, the quake sending Shade soaring away from the combat zone. Then she heard it, the terrible shout, the beacon of hope for Equestria, the death cry of the brute as he was flattened under a tsunami of purple and white.

Smooze. He did it! She raised her scythe high, proclaiming the arrival of their savior.

Tackling the blob of fat and ignorance, Sombra grabbed a hoofful of Jared's hair, tearing the luscious locks from his scalp.

"You faggot!" He forced between sobs. The king above him began to pound the chuckle fuck's face into pudding, barely managing to get any pain past his layers of fat. Before further action could be taken, both ponies (if Jared can be held to the standard of pony) were scooped up by the ocean of lavender goo.

"Smooze!" Sombra popped out from under the rampaging sea of the sticky substance.

"FOR BEEEEEEEEEIIIIIBBER!" A shrill voice pierced Sombra's ear drums and the almost mentally retarded stallion closed his hooves around the king's neck. Smooze, trying to help, attempted to drown Jared, bringing Sombra down with him. Ahead a dam was erected (:raritywink:), created as a wall to mark the entrance to the Everfree Forest. The clones atop the mithril barrier braced themselves for the impact.

"~Nothing can stop the Smooze~!" The witch's brew harmonized, the unbreakable dam of mithril breaking under him. Beneath the surface of the Smooze, bubbles danced and chanted around Sombra as he fought with the internet dunce.

"Use the brick!" The largest of the oxygen spheres blooped.

"No, left hook, right uppercut!" The smallest of the shimmering air balls seemed to be really getting into it!

"Shfulp dump!" Jared's words only came out as garbled nonsense as some of Smooze's goo found its way into his mouth, punching and kicking his teeth with a vengeance.

Emerging from the Smooze goo, both our soldiers were tossed free by a particularly hard thrust from Smooze, who wanted no more contact with Jared Milton.

Procuring pepper spray from his ~~man purse~~ saddle bag, Jared sprayed Sombra's eyes relentlessly with the liquid pain.

"You asshole!" The king blinked furiously to be rid of the flaming death spray.

"Axios!" The forever alone nerd cried, pinning Sombra to the wet forest floor. "DIE HATER!" The ice cream bucket on Jared's flank flexed as he turned, picking up his ~~man purse~~ saddle. Opening it he retrieved a plastic stuffed animal knife. The last possible moment before the blade dug into Sombra's flesh, there was a flash as شاق jumped from the crystal pony's hoof, colliding with the side of Jared's head.

The titan of unimaginable incompetence and pathetic fitness went limp, falling to the side. Sombra pulled himself up, looking down into the petrified eyes of the fatty, the repulsive smile of his victory still plastered on his face.

A long time ago, in the same exact galaxy...

Our story begins with the most unlikely of individuals. Before Jared Milton's war against Equestria, before King Sombra's induction into the anarchist community of B0NER, before Smooze was resurrected, before King Sombra rose to fight the swarm of Jareds and save Equestria, before شاق was found, before--

"STFU!"

Okay, okay geez. Our story begins with the Royal Pony Sister's trip to the Griffon Kingdom. And a certain transvestite unicorn just trying to make a honest living...

The air smelt of cigarette smoke, alcohol, blood, and musk. With estrus season around the corner, the Bare Mare was pumping in the bits from mares and stallions wanting to be more...experienced with their lovers.

But for Sombra, all it was was a little busier days and all the more fun. The grey unicorn was bouncing up and down on the steel pole, grinding his hardened length against the cold metal, stimulating himself for all the hungry customers to watch.

Through the smoke and the stench, he could see their starved eyes raking up and down his body, eating up the delicious turn of events unfolding in front of them. Each and every one of them waiting for the--

SMACK!

"Urggh!" There it is. And there you have it. Dancing, stripping, exposing himself to the perverted eyes of every paying customer. Honestly he could care less, sure he wasn't the biggest stallion around, but he was gifted in his size. He'd always be proud of his package, and being an escort does bring in A LOT of bits.

Except for the dress up. He just couldn't stand it. As odd as it may seem, the majority of stallions are bi. But there are always the few, those fucking few. You know what I'm talking about, the ones that adore the cosplay and acting crap. Transvestite, that was probably the most common among role playing fetishes, stallions always like pretending to be surprised and dominated by an mare with a very special secret.

SMACK!

"Rrg." Sombra growled, wondering if that was thirty nine or forty, he'd lost count. The music stopped and Sombra could see the audience, doing what they always did, clop. Walking off the stage and down the aisle, like a walk of shame but to Sombra, not so much. In the years since he was allowed back into Equestria as a citizen this is what he did; work the streets of Metropolis, selling himself for bits, fun in a way, but repetitive. After all sex was sex, sixty-nine, face sitting, getting/giving head, hardcore, sideways, after a while it just seemed to blend together.

"Sombra!" The ex-dictator heard his name called as he approached his station behind the stages and private areas.

"Scarred Shade, didn't expect to see you back here so soon," he mused, wiping the sweat from his face with a towel before discarding it. "How's life in the community? Hard I'm guessing?" he chuckled slightly at his own joke.

"Haha, very funny," she mocked him. "Not my fault they named it B0NER. Sexy performance out there. I really liked the part when you wore the socks," Shade giggled.

"Oh yeah, ha. I remember when that was you." Sombra popped a chocolate into his mouth.

"Listen, Shadow really, really wants to meet you. I told her all about you, and she thinks you would be a great help to the community. Come on! Do it! Do it! Do it! Doit! Doit!" She bounced up and down behind him.

"No, I'm not going to meet the mayor of a town called B0NER," he looked at her as seriously as he would when talking to her about the weather.

"Okay, I'll tell her you're coming! Be at Ponyville Park tomorrow at 7 p.m." she ran out the door, not giving Sombra a chance to say no.

"I--" the unicorn threw the box of chocolates down in front of the mirror. "Damn it."

"And now we're back with the latest story on Jared Milton, the kid who stole the top secret government files, from an off base facility. Now this is interesting Lavernious," the reporter turned to her black co-reporter. "This child supposedly teleported away from the MPs."

"No shit," Lavernious mused.

"Yes indeedy the police were able to pull this video from the Canterlot High security cameras. Let's watch." The woman holding the camera clicked the button, switching the video feed to the recording. The generic, completely unfashionable green video displayed the adolescent running in the direction of the Canterlot memorial not looking at where he was going. But rather than smacking against the cold marble and falling backwards onto his rather obnoxious butt, he seemed to phase right into the stone.

"HOLY CRAP! Barbra did you see that?!?" The colored assistant stood up, wide eyed.

"Yes I did blacky-- Lavernious," she smiled with a blush coming to her face. "And look at that, right at the stroke of midnight too, the alien watchers will be raving about this one," she hurried to cover up her mistake. "President A. Stewey Standford immediately had the area cordoned off to investigate."

"Now Barbra, did Jared ever give an explanation to why he stole these files?" Lavernious glared at her with absolute loathing.

Sweating a little, and giving a light chuckle, Barbra answered. "Why yes, Lavernious, he sent a letter out to both of his subscribers explaining his plan of trying to resurrect the recently committed suicide Justin "The Cracker" Beiber. And after a series of worthless commercials we will get back to with the story on how women not wearing gloves is destroying the lives of Muslims living in Antarctica." The cheesy tune began to play as the woman's screams blared from the television.

"NO LAVERNIOUS I DIDN'T MEAN IT! GOD PLEASE--" the pleas were cut off by a culmination of bone snapping and the beginning of the Viagra advertisement.

"You're not listening to me!" The pot bellied colt yelled at the passing mare.

"Sir, I don't know what you want, please leave me alone," Golden Harvest tried to walk away, the tan pony blocking her path.

"Why am I a horse?!? I came through a portal," the orange earth pony was forced onto her belly by the strange colt leaning over her.

"I have three children at home. People will look for me, it's not worth it!" She started sobbing.

"What the fuck!" What doesn't she understand?!? I'm a PONY!

"Excuse me sir," a light, almost hypnotic voice drew the crazed colt's attention. Spinning about he came muzzle to muzzle with Lyra Heartstrings. Backing away slightly, she looked over at her partner, Bon-Bon. After a moment of silence, both the mares turned back to him.

"What seems to be the problem?" Bon-Bon asked, Lyra helping Golden Harvest to her hooves behind the mentally unstable earth pony.

"I came through a portal and nobody will tell me what's going on! And nobody is complimenting me! God, obviously you guys must not recognize me from my channel. It's me Jared Milton," the self absorbed 'Jared Milton' spewed out, taking on a pose of dominance, making it look like a show of his unhealthiness. "You know, the coolest guy ever, I almost got video games and the internet banned. It's totally understandable if you wanna get with me."

Glancing at one another Lyra and Bon-Bon came to the same conclusion. "Cold turkey," they chanted in unison.

"Come with us," Lyra coaxed, "you can show us just how cool you really are." She winked.

"Finally, a true fan," he smiled, brushing his mane out his eyes.

"The shelter?" Bon-Bon asked rhetorically.

"The shelter."

Author's Note

Finally done chapter 1 whoo hoo!

Yeah...right...whatever.

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You actually thought another chapter was coming out?

You're all so gullible. But seriously another chapter will come out soon. I'm thinking of putting Discord and napalm in it...

Side note, I found this awsum picture of Applejack:

Staff edit: NSFW image removed

Interlude Chapter El Numero Uno: The Tragic Tale

Pinkamena Diane Pie:

My Daddy Made Me Put
Glass In My Vagina

In a PR attempt to be perceived as more of a victim of circumstance Pinkie released an autobiography entitled, 'My Daddy Made Me Put Glass In My Vagina', describing in great detail her relationship with her father, the Reverend Peter Daniel Pie.

Pinkie Pie's story is a tragic tale of how fame, money, and indulgence can bastardize any of us. If something as pure and adorable as a fluffy pink pony can be tempted into a sinful life of self-destruction, none of us are safe.

~~~~~

Inspired and based off hotdiggetydemon's PARTY.MOV

Chapter 1: How It All Began

It all fuckin' started on a thugged-out dark n' storm night when tha sun was shinin' n' tha hyped up niggas was up tokin' some pot, alterin' they perceptionz of reality or sum shit, makin' dem peep floatin' hippos n' anorexic pigglets...

You have to understand, as an illegal ~~Mexican~~ Griffon immigrant trying to find her way into ~~'merica~~ Equestria, my mother had a tough time getting a job, making money, driving her car, speaking proper English, not hooking up with drug lords, staying out of gang wars, corrupting the populous, getting housing, and not breaking any laws-- you know, the hard stuff-- so she did what she was told by her mother to do, by her mother, who was told by her mother, who was told by some whore in an opium den: get knocked up and everybody will pity you. Like, srsly, EVERYONE.

Okay, okay, only the important people, like you know, the liberals.

So, like I said, on that thugged-out dark n' storm night, my mom slit holes in one of her regular's condoms. That poor sucka who'd one day end up as my dad: Anon.