Tales in Thirty Minutes

by Dash2468

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Princess Luna
Length: 4856

Snippets of life in Equestria, born from the Thirty Minute Pony Stories prompts.

A compilation of short stories, written based on the prompts from Thirty Minute Pony Stories!

Published 2013-08-01 16:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-05 06:51:15 UTC

423. Sugar Bribe

Prompt 423: The quickest way to Celestia's heart is through her stomach.

“Here you go, captain, just as you ordered.” The baker opened the box, and Shining Armor peered inside. He found himself beholding a fat, rich chocolate cake as wide as a dinner plate; the top was lathered in chocolate icing, and bore a picture of Princess Celestia in icing sugar. It was pure indulgence; Shining felt like he was gaining weight just by looking at it.

“That’s perfect,” he said. “Thanks.”

“Special occasion, I take it?” the baker asked. “For your lovely marefriend, maybe?”

“Sort of.” He paid the baker, took the ribbon around the box in his teeth, and headed for the barracks.

This cake was from one of the best bakers in Canterlot; surely the Princess would like it. Their weekly update meeting was due today, and he intended to present her with it then. Shining began wondering how the conversation would go: Here you go, Your Highness. Oh, it’s nothing, just a present to say thank you for being such a wonderful employer, and ruler, and….by the way, is it OK if I marry Cadance?

Shining had made up his mind a few days earlier to propose to Cadance, but he knew that he needed Celestia’s official blessing first; he was sure there was some law about it somewhere. As a military stallion, Shining was well versed in battle tactics, and so he knew that you should go into a fight with every advantage you can get your hooves on. Being closer to the Princess than most, he knew her weaknesses well – and perhaps the biggest weakness he could exploit was her love of sweets. He had been amazed upon previously seeing how much dessert she could get through, and on a regular basis, too; alicorns must have a super-fast metabolism, or something.

But anyway, this cake would surely put her in a very good mood going into their meeting, and increase the chances of her letting him marry her niece – by how much, he didn’t know.

Entering his office, Shining deposited his precious cargo on the desk and turned to leave. Then his mind, already nervous from the task awaiting him, told him to stop. What if some soldiers came in, and thought there was some Jacob’s join or birthday they hadn’t been told about?

He couldn’t risk it. Quickly, he took some paper, scribbled “DO NOT TOUCH!!” on it, and pinned it to the box. He considered giving full details of how many push-ups anypony who touched the cake would have to do, but decided there wasn’t time. Instead he squeezed “FOR THE PRINCESS” into the bottom of the note.

Shining had two hours to do his morning patrol and supervise routine training exercises before his meeting with Celestia, and he spent most of it in a state of great distraction. More than once, soldiers had to repeat questions around him before he heard them.

“The captain seems kinda distracted today, doesn’t he?” he overheard one soldier muttering to another.

“Probably thinking about his marefriend,” the other replied. “If I was dating Princess Cadance, I wouldn’t be able to think of much else either. Best I can do are those pictures of her in the gossip magazines…”

Shining was too preoccupied to even reprimand them. All too soon, the hour approached, and he headed back to his barracks to retrieve his papers – and the cake – before going to meet Celestia in her throne room.

He opened the office door – and was greeted by a horrifying sight.

No! The cake box sat open on his desk, the ribbons strewn about it in a picture of merciless carnage. Shining flew forward and gazed into the box, his stomach seeming to plummet through his chest. Aside from many crumbs and a few blobs of icing, it was empty.

Shining’s first emotion was rage; he ground his teeth and bashed his hooves together, thinking only of finding who did this and pounding them into the dirt. Then he remembered the Princess, and he was gripped by panic. He had lost his advantage. Surely Celestia would never let him marry Cadance now. She would laugh him out of the room. No, she would throw him in prison for even suggesting that a common guard…

He took a breath. Clearly there was more of Twilight in him than he thought.

He was a brave pony; he wouldn’t be captain if he wasn’t, after all. He would just have to stallion up and take the plunge regardless.

Every hoofstep bringing him closer to the palace took a supreme effort, but he managed to keep going. He walked through the main door, nodding to the guards there as he went – and felt a jolt as he saw Celestia standing right in the main hall, talking to one of her counsellors. Noticing Shining was there, she said a few final words to the counsellor, who nodded and retreated.

“Ah, Captain,” she said pleasantly. “Just in time for our – urp – meeting.”

Shining’s fear was abruptly overcome by a curious observation: had the Princess just…burped?

“Forgive me, I was just a little waylaid,” Celestia went on. “So, shall we proceed?”

“Certainly, Your Highness.” Shining went to trot alongside her, glancing up at her face. His eyes widened. There was no mistaking it: a dot of brown icing on her lower lip.

Rather than afraid, he suddenly felt awkward. Could she have…but how could he ask? Maybe…

“Your Highness…you didn’t go into my office this morning, did you?”

He expected an innocent denial, but instead an expression appeared on Celestia’s face that he had rarely seen there before: guilt. She looked from side to side, blushed, and placed a hoof on her forehead.

“Oh, no! Captain, I’m so sorry. I happened to be passing by the barracks after my last appointment, and I thought I might as well see if you were in your office so we could have our meeting there. I smelled what was in the box, and the note said it was for me, and, well, I just couldn’t…”

“It’s alright, Your Highness, really, it’s OK…” Shining babbled.

“I thought I might have time to clean myself up before I saw you. Oh, what must you think?”

Inspiration suddenly flashed in Shining’s head. Another basic tip for battle: attack when your opponent is vulnerable.

“It’s alright, Your Highness, I won’t tell anypony. But there was actually something I was hoping to ask you…”

424. Nocturne

Prompt 424: somepony really needs to sleep.

Celestia stood poised on the palace balcony, watching the Sun as it hung motionless over the horizon, when she heard the hoofsteps she was waiting for.

“Luna?”

Her sister quickly appeared beside her. “I’m here, sister.” The words were slightly slurred, but Celestia ignored this for now.

“Come, then.” With a glow of her horn, and her eyes squinting in concentration, she gently lowered the Sun below the horizon, until the glow had almost completely faded. “Your turn, Luna.”

It was only then that she properly looked at Luna – and what she saw alarmed her. Luna’s head was hanging; dark bags sat under her eyes. She was a picture of weariness. But she still closed her eyes, and lit up her horn. Under her command, the Moon began to appear – but it seemed to rise slowly, even a little stutteringly.

Celestia quickly lit up her horn again to provide assistance, and the Moon instantly accelerated to its proper point in the sky. With that, Luna turned to glare at her sister.

“I could manage that on my own!”

“You’re still not sleeping well during the day, are you?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m fine.”

“Yes, it does matter, because we’re not just trying to keep ourselves alive anymore. We have a whole kingdom to take care of! You have to keep yourself rested so you can govern the Nocturnal Court efficiently.”

“I’ll adjust soon,” said Luna, yawning as she said it. “You go to bed, Celestia.”

“Luna, I really don’t mind staying up if you…”

“I’ll be fine!” Luna snapped. “Just a few more days to adjust, and I’ll be fine.”

Celestia looked at her sadly. “Just rouse me if you need me.” And she turned and walked away.

With another yawn, Luna stumbled towards the throne room, to begin her duties.

It had indeed been another day of tossing and turning in bed, trying to force sleep to come, when her brain was still convinced that it wasn’t the right time. All those months when she and Celestia had been wandering Equestria, searching for some way to overcome Discord, there had been no consistent day-night cycle, and it was just a matter of catching sleep when you could. In the days between Discord’s defeat and their coronation, it had been natural for them to share the same sleep cycle. But now that they had agreed to take over the control of the Sun and Moon, and maintain a constant royal presence, the new system was really the only one that could work.

The first few hours, Luna was kept busy by ponies constantly coming in, asking for her to resolve disputes over property, or help them recover property that they had lost (usually because Discord had turned it to jelly, or something along those lines), or occasionally, bring gifts as tokens of thanks. It was painfully clear that it would still take time for Equestria to fully recover from the Reign of Chaos. Luna handled everything as best she could, repeating Celestia’s words to herself; but her eyelids continued to droop, and the repeated cups of coffee that the servants brought had less and less effect with every cup.

Finally, court ended, and she could move on to administrative tasks, but that just made things even worse. Sleep deprivation and repetitive paper shuffling did not go hand in hand. After a mere hour of going over letters and reports, Luna’s head felt like it was full of clouds. It was becoming impossible to even string a cohesive thought together. Random images kept popping up and refusing to be banished, as if she were dreaming. If she didn’t know better, she would think Discord had escaped from his prison and was currently holding court in her brain.

She stared down at the desk. At that moment, it might as well have been a fluffy pillow. She wanted so desperately to lay her head down upon it, just for a little while…

No. She had to make this work. Showing too much weakness would just lead to Celestia mollycoddling her, and she’d already had enough of that.

Maybe a little break from work would do it.

So Luna, her legs on autopilot, walked out to the balcony to do what she had always done in times of leisure from long ago: look at the stars.

It was, of course, a completely different night sky from her homeland, but after so much time in Equestria, it was becoming more familiar to her. And now that she could actually get her hooves on some local astronomy textbooks, she was learning the constellations, and the seasonal movements of the stars.

She thought back to when she was a filly; all those nights in the garden with her beloved telescope. She would really need to get a new one at some point.

The twinkling stars filled her vision, and gradually began to soothe her. Her mind began to clear; her tiredness began to feel less debilitating.

Her parents had always told her that she was connected to the night like no other pony – after all, she was born on the winter solstice, when the night was at its longest. Sure enough, when she had practiced her magic at night, she had always felt stronger, more assured, as if the night itself was fuelling her.

Perhaps, after all the madness and fear of the last several months, she had forgotten.

Luna now simply stood there and let her instincts take over, let her mind go completely blank, let her magic reach out as it wanted to. And sure enough, it began to work.

The Moon gazed benevolently down upon her, bathing her in its light; the stars surrounded her, seeming to whisper in some unknown language. This was her time – and her body started to remember. Energy flowed back to her muscles; her mind felt pure and unclouded. This was far more effective than any cup of coffee.

She looked back up at the night sky with a smile of gratitude. While she still did not feel rested, she felt happy, and ready to do her duty. Her mind was filling with thoughts of what she might do in the future when she was up to it: perhaps dazzling meteor showers, or new and glorious star patterns.

When Celestia came to relieve her in the morning, Luna sank into bed and had the best day’s sleep that she could remember.

426. The First Five Minutes

Prompt 426: when Twilight and Spike met.

For the first baby dragon to be born in Canterlot since anypony could remember, the first sixty seconds of life were alarmingly bizarre.

Upon hatching from his egg, he barely had any time to contemplate his new-found existence, when he suddenly found himself growing, and very quickly. When a ceiling got in his way, he simply smashed through it. And even then, he had no time to think – or enjoy the view of the city – when he was accelerating downward again, and found himself back in the room, and back to normal size.

Given a moment of peace, the dragon could start taking things in. The first thing he noticed was his long, pointy tail, which he immediately discovered was very pleasurable to suck on. Indeed, he preoccupied himself with that activity for two whole minutes before examining his other body parts. Two hands, two feet, fingers, toes, scales – yes, everything seemed to be in order.

Having ascertained what he himself was, the dragon turned his attention to the world around him. What immediately caught his attention was the four creatures directly in front of him. He wasn’t sure what to make of them; one looked about the same size as he was – and the same colour, too! – but the other three were much bigger. Might they be dangerous?

The largest and brightest of the four was facing away from him, and he realised that she had a tail too – only hers was wavy and had lots of different colours in it, and conveniently, it was touching the floor.

The baby dragon decided that he would very much like to pull on that tail, and maybe even find out what it was like to suck on.

So his first adventure in life began, as he took his first stumbling steps off the wreckage of his cart. He lost his balance a couple of times, but soon found that walking wasn’t so hard, and he was quickly making fast progress towards his target.

Soon, that lovely tail was right in front of him. It brushed his nose, making it tickle. He smiled, and reached out to grab it.

Then he was rudely interrupted.

****
Still lost in a daze of euphoria after both becoming the Princess’s student and getting her cutie mark into the bargain, Twilight impatiently stared up at her parents and the Princess, as they talked seriously about boring grown-up things like living arrangements. She wanted to start learning magic now! Why couldn’t they start now?

At that moment, she heard a noise, and turned away.

The baby dragon! She had barely even noticed him; after she had hatched the egg, everything had become a blur, and after that all her attention had been on the Princess. But now he had crawled across the floor – and was reaching to pull the Princess’s tail.

Twilight reacted instinctively to this unthinkable violation.

“No! Bad dragon!” She leapt forward, and almost involuntarily, her horn lit up once again. The dragon squawked in fright as he was surrounded by magical aura and hoisted a short distance up into the air.

Twilight’s rush carried her directly beneath the baby – and then, after just a couple of seconds of exertion, her energy seemed to vanish. Her previous outburst must have exhausted her. The aura disappeared – and the dragon came plummeting down onto her back.

It wasn’t a big enough fall to hurt either of them, but it was enough to send Twilight falling flat on her belly with a decisive thump. She turned to the dragon in annoyance – at which point she remembered that this was, in fact, a dragon.

All the pictures she had seen in books came back to her in a flash: monstrous dragons sitting on piles of gold and jewels, breathing fire, flexing their claws threateningly, sometimes even rampaging through villages. Who was to say they weren’t so aggressive right out of the egg?

Twilight yelped and jumped out of the way, sending the dragon rolling onto his back on the floor. Standing at a safe distance, she considered him, and quickly realised that he was about as threatening as Miss Smartypants. Lying on his back, wiggling his arms and legs, looking more bemused than anything else, he looked like a dog wanting its tummy tickled.

Tentatively, Twilight reached forward and began running her hoof along his belly. The dragon seemed to like it: he gurgled and squirmed, smiling slightly, which made Twilight smile too.

“Well, you certainly seem to be getting along well.”

Twilight’s eyes shot upwards as she realised that the Princess and her parents had gathered around to look at the two of them.

“I must confess,” the Princess went on, “when I set this task, I did not fully consider what would be done with the dragon once it hatched.”

“Weren’t you going to…release it into the wild?” Twilight’s father asked.

“Oh, no,” said Celestia seriously. “He would never survive alone.”

A brilliant idea suddenly occurred to Twilight. “Can I take care of him?”

Her parents looked even more horrified than they had after being turned into potted plants. Celestia, however, smiled sadly at her.

“I’m sorry, Twilight, but it wouldn’t be like looking after a goldfish or a puppy. We know very little about dragons. He’s going to need specialist care from grown-up ponies so we can figure out how best to raise him.”

“Awww.” Twilight hung her head.

“But I’ll be keeping him in the palace, so you can see him whenever you want. You can even help, once we have an idea of what he needs.”

Twilight immediately perked up. “Yay! I could even help you study him, so we’ll know all about baby dragons!”

“I’m sure you’ll be very helpful in that regard,” Celestia chuckled. “Now then, perhaps we should discuss…”

But Twilight had forgotten her studies for the moment; she was tickling the dragon again. “Can I call him Spike?”

427. Centre Stage

Prompt 427: the Mane Six form a band.

“Come on, Twi; the Elements of Harmony is a perfect name for a band!”

“I don’t know, Rainbow; it just feels weird. I mean, the Elements are really valuable, important historical objects. The name kinda feels like…we can’t touch it.”

“Fine, how about…the Bearers?”

“That just sounds silly…”

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. “May we come in?” Rarity called from the other side.

“Go ahead,” Twilight replied, and Rarity and Pinkie Pie both entered the library – Rarity pushing a harp, Pinkie carrying a trombone. They quickly took in the sight of the other four mares, gathered around a jumble of musical instruments and speakers, normally the last thing you would want to see in a library.

“I take it you decided who’s handling the essential instruments, then?” Rarity noted.

“That’s right!” said Twilight enthusiastically. “Rainbow and Applejack are both on guitar…” The two ponies in question strummed their guitars in response. “…Fluttershy’s playing the keyboard…” Fluttershy waved sheepishly from behind her instrument. “…and I’m handling the drums!” She levitated two drumsticks into the air, and they started playing a rhythm more quickly and better paced than any beginner drummer could have managed with hooves.

“Awesome!” cried Pinkie. “My trombone will fit in great!” And she started bouncing around the library, demonstrating her instrument with such passion and volume that it was some time before Rarity could manage to get a word in.

“Um, Twilight, I know I said I’d like to try the harp – but, well, I’m not entirely sure it’s going to fit in with electric guitars and keyboards and the like. But I did have another idea. Have we had any more discussions about who’s going to be the lead singer?”

“Well, no,” said Twilight, a little awkwardly. “I thought we’d save that for…”

“…now, perhaps?” Rarity said. “Because I thought I’d be the ideal choice.”

“You?” said Rainbow, with a raised eyebrow. “Why?”

“Simple,” Rarity explained. “We really need somepony with a carrying, lifting, truly melodious voice to lead this group – and I feel out of all of us, mine is the most fitting.”

“Don’t I have a good voice?” Applejack protested. “I can still sing while playin’ the guitar, and I reckon I can carry a tune pretty darn well.”

“Yes, but yours is rather more suited to a certain…genre, don’t you think?”

“Point taken.”

“And Fluttershy, well, I’m sure you don’t want to be in the middle of the stage singing, do you?” Fluttershy cowered behind her keyboard at the very thought.

“Hey!” cried Pinkie. “What about me? If anypony’s going to be the lead singer, it should be me! I sing all the time! I must have done two songs, a dance routine and a limerick just on my way here!”

“Pinkie,” said Rarity gently, “you’re a wonderful singer, but let’s face it: the band’s not exactly going to be taken seriously if you’re bouncing around the stage, throwing confetti at everyone, is it?”

“Oh, come on, Rarity,” Rainbow Dash scoffed, “we all know the real reason you wanna be the lead singer.”

“And what’s that, pray tell?”

“Because the lead singer is the only one that anypony remembers! I mean, just try and name one member of Hot Punch that isn’t Sleek Skylark, just try! They’re all hanging around in the background while she prances around the front of the stage, flipping her mane, and it’s her face on all the records and posters! And it’ll be exactly the same with you!”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Rainbow Dash…”

“That’s enough!” said Twilight sharply. “I’m not letting us get in a fight over this, and I’m not letting anypony get jealous about not being the lead singer. But I think I have the perfect solution.”

*****

The noise of the Ponyville crowd continued ringing in Perfect Harmony’s ears as they headed for the dressing room, carrying or pushing their instruments and feeling truly elated.

“That was so cool!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “We are the best band ever!”

“Maybe you should write to Princess Celestia and see if we can get a gig in Canterlot!” Applejack said to Twilight.

“I was very surprised how well the instruments came together,” said Rarity. “And I must say, who knew little Spikey-Wikey had such a voice in him? My heart was actually going a little listening to him hit those notes.”

“Where is Spike, anyway?” Twilight asked, looking around.

“I think he said something about taking a bath,” said Fluttershy, blushing. “He wasn’t very happy after that mare’s panties hit him in the face.”

430. The Swine of Crime

Prompt 430: Professor Piggy's plans for Ponyville!

Princess Twilight Sparkle stared in horror, disbelief, and not a little incredulity, as what looked like a giant mechanical pig smashed its way through the streets of Ponyville, heading straight for her palace.

Ponies scattered before it, screaming in terror, trying to avoid being crushed underfoot by the monster, or else hit by the rays of light that were shooting from it, setting anything they touched on fire. A few were trying to fight back: some pegasi were circling the pig, wielding a rope to tie up its legs, and Twilight thought she could see Pinkie Pie valiantly pelting it with pies. The pig, however, simply smashed the roof off Sugarcube Corner with one backward kick, before slicing the pegasi’s rope in two with its death rays.

As Princess of Ponyville, Twilight knew she had to act. Spreading her wings, looking as regal and powerful as possible, she launched herself off her balcony, preparing to strike an almighty blast of magic straight between the pig’s eyes…

But she paused, as the pig stopped, and turned its head upwards to stare directly at her.

As Twilight watched, a hole opened in the top of the pig’s head. A circular metal platform appeared from it, balanced on a spindly tentacle-like arm, which rose upwards to meet her.

Standing atop the platform was a corpulent pig, standing on two legs and balancing on a cane. He was dressed in a top hat and tails, complete with a monocle, and was grinning with smug superiority at her. Twilight’s eyes widened; she knew this swine!

“Professor Piggy?! From Canterlot University?”

The pig’s smile vanished, replaced with an angry scowl. “It’s Professor Algernon Montague Scrofa, Princess.” He said the last word as venomously as possible. “I would have thought you, of all ponies, would be courteous enough to address me by my proper name, rather than some derisive moniker that my students whisper behind my back!”

“Sorry,” said Twilight automatically. “Wait, no, I don’t have to be sorry! You’re destroying Ponyville!”

“Rest assured, Princess, I have no intention of totally levelling your precious town,” said Professor Piggy dismissively. “This is merely to set an example. After all, where would I begin my new empire, were there nothing left to build upon?”

“Empire?” cried Twilight. “I’ll never let you build anything here, you monster!”

“If this demonstration of my mighty war machine was not enough for you,” the diabolical Professor snorted, “then you will soon agree to eject all ponies from this town, once I have marched upon Sweet Apple Acres, and recruited an army of noble pigs, cows and sheep to my cause!”

“Applejack’s farm animals will never join you!”

“Won’t they? You think they will ignore my promises of freedom and liberty for all of their kind? For too long, you ponies have kept my brethren in chains, forcing them to give up their milk and wool, or else sniff out truffles which you then gobble up yourselves! Do you have any idea how hard I had to work to get where I am today? How many prejudiced lecturers and ‘Kick Me’ signs I had to endure, all because of my humble origins in a lowly sty? And you, Twilight Sparkle! You are not even in your twenties, yet you have already been made a Princess! Do you think I would ever be made a Princess?!”

“Um, I’m not sure….”

“Of course not!” roared Professor Piggy. “But soon all that will change, once I have turned this place into Scrofaville, an example to the world, haven for all of my brothers!”

“Never!” Twilight cried defiantly, and summoned her magic to her horn…

Suddenly, there was a splat, and a horrible stench in her nostrils, and her magical aura spluttered and died. Feeling something unpleasant dripping down her face, Twilight tried to cast a spell again, but she couldn’t – what this substance was, it was covering her horn and blocking her magic. Professor Piggy was grinning, and holding a hand-sized cannon.

“Behold, my Swill Cannon!” he crowed. “Highly effective against even an alicorn, is it not? Now even you, Princess, cannot stop me! You have no choice but to…”

He was abruptly cut off as there was a blast of wind, and a purple blur appeared out of nowhere to slam into him. With an angry scream, Professor Piggy was sent tumbling off his platform; but before he could become a bacon-flavoured stain on the ground, he raised his cane. Four blades sprouted out of it and began rotating rapidly, slowing his fall and allowing him to make a safe landing.

With the Professor out of reach for the moment, Twilight turned to the pony who was now standing proudly on the platform…

“Mare-Do-Well? Wait…which one of you is it?”

With a chuckle, Mare-Do-Well lifted her mask.

“Rainbow Dash?!”

“I got the costume from Fluttershy,” Rainbow grinned. “Come on, Twilight, I’ve been waiting forever for the chance to try on one of these!”

“Well…I do need to get this swill off my horn,” said Twilight. “You think you can handle him, Rainbow?”

“No problem! And don’t worry; I’m not letting the whole hero thing go to my head this time. I won’t be negotiating the comic book deal until after he’s behind bars!”