Celestia's Loopy for Poopy

by KawaiiKun

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Sex, Comedy
Length: 1955

Celestia goes loopy for poopy.

Over her many years, an immortal Celestia has experienced much. Thus, when heat hits her and hits her hard, she must find oddball means in order to get off.
Will she sate her lust, or will her rampage be stopped?

WARNING: If you couldn't tell, this is a trollfic; it is not supposed to be taken seriously. Contains questionable language and content, 18+ advised and the weak of stomach may have trouble reading.

Published 2013-07-30 06:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-30 06:00:02 UTC

May Some Other Holy Power Save Us All...

Stifled moans escaped the golden sun designed doors that contained the sun goddess. The two sun guards on duty, ever vigilant in their jobs, paid them little to no mind. They stood there, motionless and imposing, as the moans continued behind the doors. Of course, in their minds were very conflicting emotions. The dominating voice was frantically telling them to continue as they have been, because if they deviated from their duties in any way, they feared the divine punishment that would come from such an offense. There were other voices, of course... Should I take a peek in and ask her if she needs a hoof? chimed in the perverted part of their minds. Should I go track down someone who could... I don't know, help somehow? the insecure part said.

Whatever conflicting emotions they had, the overall silent agreement between the two seemed to be to just ignore the elephant in the room and hope it goes away soon. Unfortunately, they weren't stupid, and they knew the elephant wouldn't be walking away from that bowl of peanuts anytime soon. A mare in heat was a thing to be feared indeed, but they had faith that their ruler could contain her natural weaknesses. They were determined to protect her in this state; with the number of suitors and other powers out there, her highness could be taken advantage of, or worse, maybe even killed. So they stood, motionless and imposing nonetheless of the moans they were aware of.
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Celestia lay on her bed, trying to get rational thought out of the jumbled mess that was her brain in heat. Over the years, she had found several different means of getting rid of the heat. The problem with being an alicorn was that immortal life came with the same tendencies, but it would hold off and build up longer. In other words, an alicorn in heat was about equal to 10 mares in heat. She had stuck to normal techniques for a good few thousand years before she got bored of it. She then had to find alternative means of getting off.

The issue now was, her hoof and her toys could only do so much. Her floor and hoof were already drenched, a pile of dildos lay coated in her juices, and the battery for her giant Ultra-Banger 5780023 had already died yesterday. So, how could she get these urges sated? Or, more importantly, who? She began to ponder over who could be a possible solution to her problem. Princess Luna? No... They had already tried helping each other out for a good 300 years, but they decided that it was far too awkward and plus, with her only recently returning, Celestia felt that asking such a thing from her might not be the best of ideas. Also, before you say anything about that, they were related through marriage, and their parents are dead, so don't worry; they just insist on being sisters. Ooh, Shining Armor, maybe?... Oh wait, he got married to Cadence. Damn you, my dear nephew, taking away a nice piece of ass. I curse your name and spit on your socks, lady. There is my dear student, Twilight Sparkle... However, she seems like she would be the needy, clingy type, and I really don't need my pupil hanging around me constantly. Don't get me wrong, I love her like a daughter, but in the fresh name of Tartarus, she is BORING.

What about some guards? They had a very strong sense of loyalty and duty. She could use her power, threaten them that if they didn't do as she said or told of what had gone down... No!

Celestia grasped her head, her rational thought taking more control. She could not ask such a thing of her subjects, and she could certainly not put a metaphorical knife to their throats to silence them, either. Then the rational thought side of her mind slipped off it's soap box, hit it's head on a nearby oven, and went unconscious. In it's place stood a very googly-eyed, twitching and raving mad pony in it's place, and it's name was Alicorn Heat. Thus, Alicorn Heat began ranting and shouting orders in Celestia's mind, glad to now be the dominant consciousness.
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The golden doors swung open slowly, almost as if to add gravity to the situation. Mentally, the guards panicked. Physically, they remained as they were, motionless and staring into space. Celestia's head poked out from the doors, exploding up almost as if she was showering anyone witnessing in her glory. She had a strange way of doing that; it almost seemed like all of her moves were practiced to make her appear as graceful as possible, and she'd done these moves so often in her life that it became a habit rather than a practice.

Her face, however, changed from a graceful peacefulness to a wicked and perverted grin. She glanced at the guard to her right, eyeing him all over. The guard strained to keep ignoring that elephant, but even at the core, he was a pony; he was subconsciously leaning away from his ruler. She had took note of this, and every time she moved, he would move in accordance to keep within his own space bubble. Cute... she thought.

She shuffled quickly in front of this poor & unfortunate guard. He merely resumed his normal stance, impersonating a statue. Celestia grinned. This guard was now her toy, as she had silently claimed him. The guard was scared, but determined to continue ignoring the elephant. He feared that the elephant saw him as a new red ball she could play with, but remained steadfast in feigning ignorance.

Celestia leaned down, and started slathering her tongue all over his mouth, trying to pry it open. He just stood there, still as a statue. It was fucking manly. The birds outside a nearby window watched on, wiping away manly tears in pride. Celestia pulled her overweight head away, and looked down at her toy with a look of disappointment.

"Pitiful little toy... If it's not going to work for me, I suppose i'll have to MAKE it work for me," She remarked with a malicious grin. She leaned and continued to smother his muzzle with slobber. She magically created a glass rod. She levitated it down towards the stallion's penis. Despite his hesitance, he was still a pony after all, and his hormones still worked accordingly (AKA he's aroused). She slowly shimmied it into his peehole, eliciting a surprised but stifled gasp from the guard. She reached around, and started rubbing an area above his right hind leg. Celestia was a mare of many lifetimes worth of knowledge, and this included knowledge on pressure points. This particular spot would induce pooping. Many years ago, she had attempted it out of desperation to find something, and was surprised to find that she found it arousing.

The guard's face was red. However, he knew better than to give anything back. He was far too scared, and besides, he had a wife and 2 kids. His body began shuttering, and he began some very silenced grunts as he found himself losing control of his body. He sat up slightly to a crouching position as he started cooking up his goddess a nice and brown hot toddy.

He had served Celestia a nice and steaming hot pile. She was very pleased. She stroked his stallionhood with a hoof as she leaned down towards his beautiful poop. She picked up a log, and took a bite. It tasted like corn, her favorite. She quickly finished her meal that was once a meal. She grabbed another of his logs, the largest one, and began using it as a dildo. She shoved it up her vagina, making her moan and squeal in delight. The guard still sat there, with a look of shock and pain on his face. He had technically just pooped in public, and he was ready to cum a while ago, but the rod was blocking the entrance and his penis was now inflated, red, and throbbing, radiating waves of pain throughout his body. It was torture.

She came all over his turd. Regaining a small sense of mind, she noticed her poor toy's predicament. She freed him of his pain, quickly pulling the rod out of his dick causing him to grunt in pain, and his penis to shower her belly in a large amount of semen.

"Tsk tsk... Now now, that's no good," She scolded her toy, "You make a mess, you had best clean it up."

The guard looked up at her uncertainly for a few seconds before he registered what she was ordering him to do. He raised to hoof to try and wipe it off, but she stilled it with her own and added, "Tongue."

He leaned towards her belly, albeit hesitantly. He faltered for a few seconds before deciding that if he didn't do this, he would most likely be punished severely. So, he spent the next 5 minutes licking up his own spew, Celestia moaning from the sensation of his tongue rolling all over her.

A blue and red beam slammed into Celestia. Celestia gasped in surprise, attempting to struggle free of the spell. The guard managed to stumble away just in time, and watched Celestia struggle, not really caring who was attacking the princess at this point. ...My wife's gonna kill me, hm... He sighed and looked down, preparing himself for the shitstorm that would appear later.

The spell finished, Celestia standing in her former spot, looking about as if she'd been awoken from sleepwalking. Hoofsteps echoed throughout the end of the hall from which the beam had come from. After a short while, Princess Luna appeared in view with a triumphant expression on her face.

Celestia studied her surroundings. She was standing in front of a very depressed looking guard, who had a large & smothered pile of shit behind him. To the left of her door, she heard a sigh of relief, as she saw the other guard on duty collapse on the floor with a smile on his face. He had been spared.

"W-... What happened?" Celestia asked, looking about worriedly before settling her eyes on her sister, Luna.

"Thee were in heat. Thankfully, we were nearby and overheard the commotion, so we were able to use a spell in order to rid thee of thy heat," Luna elaborated.

"You can get rid of heat? Where and how did you learn a spell like that?!" Celestia asked in disbelief.

"PLEASE sister, we were trapped in our moon for 1000 years. We were all alone, with not many means in order to deal with our own heat. After much desperation, we managed to master a spell in order to combat our heat," replied Luna with a smile.
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The Aftermath

Princess Celestia's heat was no more, and she was able to return to her royal duties. Also, in thanks for saving her from her heat, she promised a favor to Luna in the future. The two guards on duty went to go and try to bring the princess to justice, but with her power, she declared them to be mentally incompetent and were confined to padded white rooms for the rest of their lives. So, royalty lived happily ever after.

Author's Note

Yes yes, I know... A somewhat of a rushed ending, but I prefer to not spend too much time on a story and I honestly didn't really know how to wrap this up appropriately. Please, leave a comment, any kind of input helps.