A Primer on Magic

Chapters

Chapter 2: Donuts
Chapter 4: Hare in the Moon
Chapter 5: Little John Cultist
Chapter 6: Miss Happiness
Chapter 7: Units of Scale
Chapter 8: Thinking with Portals
Chapter 9: Council
Chapter 10: Acceptance
Chapter 11: One Year Later
Lesson 1: Classification
Lesson 2: Pooka and Dragon Show
Chapter 1: Statuary
Chapter 3: Godzilla

Chapter 2: Donuts

The sun was shining, which seemed odd to Sam. Luna was supposedly a ‘Night Princess’, so her being awake during the day didn’t sit right. Still, perhaps her case was special? She didn’t think that aliens would be a common occurrence, even if she had issues thinking of herself as an ‘alien’ here.

In any case, Canterlot was a comfortable place, if one could get over the hordes of ponies prowling about. There seemed to be three types, with the unicorns displaying overt magic, the pegasi displaying flight despite their build, and the earth ponies that seemed predisposed to some sort of supernatural strength. She assumed that it was some sort of mutual ability to move things around via magic: the unicorns moving other things, pegasi shoving themselves around, and earth ponies making their muscles fire harder. Sam thought to ask Twilight about this theory, but it was hard to change topics when she had so many questions. Now that he lacked the bloodstains that were so fashionable earlier, all pretense of being ‘polite’ and ‘reserved’ fell by the wayside. Science!

“You’re sure you’re taking this well?”

“Well, I’ll probably find myself in the corner sobbing and screaming about ponies in a week, but for now, it hasn’t managed to settle in too hard.” She was, after all, a chronicler of an alien world. One must not be overcome with feelings of weepy nostalgia when magic was on display.

“That’s good. So… what’s your world like?” Time spent beating around the bush was time spent not learning about humans. “There’s no magic, right?”

“Well, we understand the concept. It’s more of a fiction to us, though.”

“How does that even work?”

“Carefully? There’s a lot more focus on technology from what I can see. When lacking one method, find another.”

“Oh dear. Are we primitives?” Twilight did not want to be a primitive. This was an invitation to all sorts of bad clichés.

“Not in the sense of being ignorant. You’re scientific, just not as far along. I did see a train when I came in.”

“Yeah, we came up with the idea about 100 years back. Fire crystals on water make steam pressure to drive a crankshaft. Pretty simple.”

“We use a bit more natural fire for it, but yeah, a train’s a train.”

“Wait. So your trains have proper fire in them? Like, just raging? How is that safe?”

“Your way sounds cleaner, mind, but it’s all contained. Our trains are all metal to compensate. And with generations of improvement, the engines get much safer and proper.”

The conversation was interrupted by a scream of “Twilight!” from above. A rainbow streak of light was swooshing across the sky, and veering horribly close to… AAAHHH! A blue Pegasus with a rainbow mane swooped right onto the street at speeds that could not be considered within the limit. She did not seem to care much for the traffic laws, whatever they were, and her ability to hover and moonwalk about seemed to be reinforcing Sam’s theory about the telekinesis. The wings, she surmised, were just for balance and control, as this pony seemed capable of flying in any direction she chose.

“Oh! Rainbow Dash. I didn’t think you’d be in.”

“Well, I did have to help deliver stuff to Fluttershy. Something about a box? What was so important about a cardboard box?”

“…I didn’t realize she was being so literal about it. Discord was… disagreeable.”

“Oh. Him. Why do we keep him around again?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea. Fluttershy can give you a friendship speech to make you reconsider if you wish.”

“I’ll pass. And hey! Who’s the new cat? You’ve been hiding people from me again.” Dash floated up in Sam’s face, to appraise the sphinx more closely.

“I’m Sam.”

“Weird name. I’m Rainbow Dash. Where’ you from?”

Twilight and Sam exchanged looks. “That is a very loaded question. Why don’t we just say hi?”

Rainbow had learned about these sorts of antics by now, but they still filled her with a sense of turbulence. “This is one of those weird egghead things, isn’t it.”

“Well… yes. One of these days you’ll have to stop rejecting knowledge out of hand.”

“Only after you stop skipping flying lessons. You’ll help her with that, won’t you?” Sam looked at Twilight, who seemed to be in a state of terror.

“She needs to take it gently. Ease into it.”

“Fast, Fluttershy! Fast! Remember flight camp?”

“Idon’twannarememberflightcamp! There were scary ponies, and harsh teachers, and…”

“Relax! She’ll be fine! Cmon, Twilight, I’m the best flyer in Equestria. I can teach you so easy. Cmon!”

In retrospect, it was probably not a good idea to practice flying on the roof of the Canterlot Glass Blowing Station. “Mistakes were made!” Twilight shouted. “We’re not doing that again.” Sam was more than willing to go with her on this. If Twilight did not know how to fly, then Sam was clearly not in a position to help her learn.

“They got the shop fixed eventually. You’re just nervous!”

“I plowed through a stained glass window, Dash. That does not bode well for future endeavors.”

“You’ve gotten all the pain out early, so the rest’ll be a snap!” Is this what athletes told themselves to keep their sanity?

Sam piped up. “Are all pegasi like this?” Poor choice of words. Rainbow Dash shot a look at her, and proceeded to flap all in her personal space.

“How have you never seen a pegasus before? Spy! Spy!”

“Yes. I am a spy. Now would you care to show me around, so that I can learn all about your fine country?”

“Rainbow Dash.” Twilight was not in the mood for spy-hunting antics. “Sam is a guest at the castle, while we work on… fixing things.”

“What broke?”

Sam sighed. “Everything.”

“Discord did it. Does that explain enough?”

“Ah. That’s why you needed the box.” Rainbow moonwalked over Sam, eyeballing her carefully. “So… you’re not from anywhere around here.”

“That’s a good way to sum it up, yes. And your planet is odd.”

“Wait, your planet? …You’re an alien! That’s so cool. How far away ARE you from?”

Twilight had to interject, to prevent horrible sci-fi images from taking hold. “Technically speaking, she’s from around here, just a different here. Egghead stuff, remember?”

“You’re making less sense than usual, Twi.”

“Thanks. I try.”

The tour continued, though Rainbow Dash had to excuse herself to make sure Fluttershy hadn’t failed in her duty of containing her charge. One could never be too careful where deranged godlings were concerned. Currently they were at a bakery (a donut stand by any other name), whereupon Sam was making sure not to mind the similarities between Equestrian pastries and Earth’s. Some things are better to just enjoy.

“So, Princess Celestia should be back later today, at which point we can start probing Discord on the particulars of the summoning spell.”

“Goodness. How many princesses are there?” Sam half expected there to be a Donut Princess at the corner bakery they were eating at, though one had yet to materialize.

“Well, in Canterlot there’s generally just us three. Celestia runs Equestria: PR meetings, head of state affairs, and so forth. Luna is in the background, lots of paperwork. She spends more time with her abacus than with actual subjects. Don’t mock the abacus, by the way. She’s… possessive.”

Well, everyone needed their little quirks. Even the deities. “I see. And you?”

“Well, I do lots of magical research. Get curriculums ready for teaching the little foals all about magic.”

“You’re teaching them to warp reality to their will. Unwise much?”

“But it’s EXCITING! See see, okay. Magic!” She did not see. But for the sake of letting Twilight vibrate and wiggle with excitement, she would give at least a veneer of seeing. “Magic works as a kind of energy, which is mainly focused around connections and concepts. It’s everywhere! And if it’s everywhere, and all connected, you can do neat stuff with it.” Twilight demonstrated by levitating a donut into her mouth. “By applying energy to the location concept of the donut, I can move it around!”

“So it’s not really action at a distance, because you’re connected to the thing.” Oh goodness. Twilight did literally glow at this, and began hopping up and down like a cooking bucket of popcorn. Great for the concession stand atmosphere, not so much for the tranquil afternoon feeling.

“Yes! Yesyesyes. Oh, you have no idea how few ponies actually know about that! This is so cool.” She finally had a prize student, even if it was an alien spy. Already, plans were being made. She would take Sam, and put her in a little box, and teach her Everything. Twice, just to make sure. Sam, for her part, unconsciously slid further and further towards the comfort of her donut. It did not judge, unlike the star-struck princess.

“Right… so how does that tie into me being fluffy everywhere? You have no idea how weird this is.”

“Well, concepts! See, if you’re a sphinx, that means you have a sphinx concept attached to you. There’s qualifiers on top of that, like ‘has two wings’ and ‘brown hair’ and so forth, but they all come together to make a general definition of what you are. I can apply energy to those concepts and move them around. Change variables in how those wings are defined, add more of them, et cetera.”

“And it works in the same way as moving the donut?”

“Not really. You have to have an innate grasp of the concept in mind. It takes a while to learn how to deal with new concepts, but ponies generally have one that they really connect with. See?” She was gesturing towards the odd stars symbol on her flank.

“I was wondering what those were for. That’s… an actual magical thing? Not just decoration?”

“Exactly! Every pony, upon connecting with their first concept, gets a visual representation of that concept. We call it a cutie mark, because clearly the lexiconographer was a foalsitter or something cutesy like that. Either way, it shows what magically you’re good at dealing with.” She devoured another donut, replenishing her ability to ramble about Science. “Now, any pony can use magic in regards to location, because it’s not technically a concept, just a way of defining the object in question. I’m a pony, my location is here, and my concept is pony, among other qualifiers.”

“Got it. So what sort of talent is stars?”

“It’s not a star talent. This is the symbol for magic. In my case, I can easily channel the concept of magical energy outright.”

“So you hit the jackpot, basically.”

“Well, it does make learning new concepts a lot easier, since they’re all related to magic tangentially. It’s a lot harder to control, though, because trying to channel the concept of magic means I’m channeling energy as well, so I have to modify spells to deal with the added materials or they explode.” She stared wistfully at the sky, and Sam understood more than she wanted too. Twilight had lost many a good scientific tool to experimental explosions. Rest in peace, warriors of progress.

“But! We can make this work. We just need to get the concept Discord used of your home, and use that as the destination.”

“You’ll understand if I’m concerned we’re… skipping a step.” Sam did a little waving motion with her wings, which was far more natural than she wanted it to be. Muscle memory, while convenient, was creepy.

“Well, one thing at a time. We need a magical concept of a human, and since we don’t have any to compare to, it’d be better to get some way to study them so that we can do things properly. And to be honest, I’ve never really considered polymorphing spells on that level. But, it shouldn’t be too hard to work it in the fashion that the Equestrian magical field performed on you. References and such.”

“…you just want to take a closer look at Earth, don’t you.”

“Yes! Wait…. I, maybe? It would be enlightening. We’d have so much to teach each other!”

“I’m not entirely sure they’re ready for sphinxes and talking ponies, Twilight. That’s a bit far out for them. Perhaps we can get things sorted out, THEN discuss matters?”

“Fine, fine. You have my word, we’ll get things fixed before we start trying anything new. It’ll all work out!” Her declaration was brave, bold, and passionate, which is most likely why it was immediately proven false by the rapid channeling of magical energies. Sam had a brief feeling of being picked up by the donut next to her and shoved into a space between spaces. This was an odd feeling of oneness with the universe that was not even remotely what the hippies suggested would be involved with enlightenment. Twilight shouted at Sam, but it was all too soon before the sphinx ended upside down on a grassy hill, looking up at a plane flying haphazardly overhead. A t-shirt dangled from a tree, proudly declaring itself to be MADE WITH VITAMIN C.

“This has not been a good week.”

The suburbs were roughly as Sam had left them, though they were up a sphinx, and she was roughly the distance away from the Canterlot statue garden in terms of her current locale. A general feeling of sleepy mid-autumn grassiness filled the air, amid the smell of cars and unwashed laundry. At least she was on the ground, which was not a given based on the height difference between the two towns. Still, this was no place for a sphinx, and there would soon be terrible troubles.

Why had she come back? The little voice in Sam’s head kept blankly repeating ‘Not Enough Information’, and demanding that Sam find more donuts. Priorities, voice. Things were unacceptable here, and only proper sleuthing could solve it.

“Sir! Something came out! It’s over here!”

Ah, good. That was faster than expected. This was the part of the show where the womenfolk screamed and covered their babies’ eyes from the terrible, terrible beast. At least they were going according to protocol, and already had the humans in tactical gear out. Whatever sort of portals Discord had been opening, they were clearly messy, and had been attracting attention.

Sam, for her part, wanted none of the violence usually associated with this part of the monster movie. She calmly raised her paws up in the air, as a gesture of friendship. The soldiers however, not used to this sort of creature, interpreted it more as a “Rawr! I’m coming for you!” sort of pose, and promptly fired some sort of sharp stinging pain into Sam’s neck.

“Rude.” she managed to utter before slumping over in a heap.

Chapter 4: Hare in the Moon

“EEeeeeeeeeeee…!”

The sound of gas escaping at high velocity filled the air. Thankfully, no explosives were to be found, only that of a purple alicorn bursting with excitement at the principle of an automatic toaster. She had an awe for the device similar to what Sam had felt for Rainbow Dash’s ability to fly in every which direction, though her excitable personality magnified the effect. That train of thought was rudely ended however, as Sam realized she was in a world of hurt if Rainbow ever caught her comparing the pegasus to a toaster. Supersonic fighter ponies were definitely out of the league of baked bread, no matter how tasty it might have been.

The trio had migrated to a small beige break room near what appeared to be very fancy military laboratories. The adjacent one proudly declared itself to be off limits due to dangerous NUCLEAR RADIATION, complete with blaringly red warning signs. Twilight did not entirely understand these words, but it was not in her best interest to learn first hand while she was vibrating and bouncing around the place in a dither. Sam was convinced that putting the princess on a leash would be a diplomatic faux pas, but the prospect was seeming to be more reasonable every minute.

O’Hare was the one to bring her back to Earth. “So, you mentioned that your world is… toxic to us?”

“Wha…? Oh! Yes, unfortunately. Our magical field attempts to integrate humans that come over, and lacking a magical concept to describe them with, it settles on the closest relevant ideas. In Sam’s case, it came up with a Sphinx.”

“She doesn’t seem too bad off for it.”

“Speak for yourself.” Sam’s words were mildly muffled by the wonders of human baking technology, but the meaning was clear, toast or otherwise. “Things are missing that should be here.”

Twilight blushed again, clearly not wanting to think about the concept again. “That’s a bit of a sticking point with you, isn’t it.”

“It is mildly important, yes.”

O’Hare was confused, but decided it was probably for the best to not pry. Angry lions had a reputation for eating people, at least in Earth lore. “Well, it’s not unexpected. Sphinxes are like ponies in having a matriarchal society. I looked it up while we were working on the portal spell. 8-2 ratio, so slightly more male dominated than with us, though it’s still going to be a common occurrence, as you seem to have a masculine race.” Now the colonel was blushing a bit, getting the point, and not at all liking the idea. Twilight was ruining his delirious fantasies of being some sort of magical supercreature. Old habits die hard, even ones from childhood with others around the playground.

Sam waved a paw, and devoured the next piece of toast in a single gulp. “It’s actually about 50-50, but regardless.“

“Yes. There’s also the fact that biology isn’t a 1-1 comparison across races. We had to carefully control the process to avoid mishaps. Seizures and shock from nerves and blood vessels not lining up properly.”

O’Hare’s dreams were being more dashed by the minute, but he still had other ideas. “So any contact would have to be on our end. Let’s get back to the idea of a magical field on this side. A magical human wouldn’t have any trouble, right?”

“Not that I can imagine, no.” Twilight gave a little squeak as her toast popped up, but was quickly distracted by the prospect of Science Discussions. “And as magic spread across… Earth, was it?” The ponies did not actually have a name for their world, as their civilizations were more local in scope, but she would have to get used to the idea. “…a proper field would develop to include concepts beyond just humans, eventually stabilizing into a magical field of its own.”

“How does this… link actually manifest? Is it a mental bond, or some such?”

“Somewhat? It’s not quite my area of study, but there is a sense of an Empathic Bond, yes. Since everypony is connected, and has an unconscious understanding of other concepts around them magically, they have an innate understanding of others as being on the same sort of level as them. How… exactly does that work on Earth? Not having that sort of idea, I mean. Is it just an instinct level understanding?”

O’Hare and Sam exchanged a bit of nervous glancing. “Learned, mainly. Human children are, in my uninformed opinion, nightmares to be around.” Sam was not entirely of the age to be a parent, though she did not want to be, from either gender perspective. Bad experiences faded slowly.

“Oh my. Well, perhaps that would change? It doesn’t necessarily seem like something that would be out of the question.”

“I think you two are getting way ahead of yourselves.”

“Pardon?” Twilight was confused, but O’Hare was deeply worried. Sam was threatening to ruin all his fun. First the idea of introducing new races to Earth, and now magic in general. What a killjoy!

“Don’t get me wrong, the idea of magic and such sounds wonderful. But the actual implementation has all the makings of a terrible idea.”

More confusion, to the level that electrically baked toast could not quell. “I don’t get it.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to, but let’s try an example. Think of the most bitter, jaded, spiteful person you can think of.” Twilight thought hard. Discord? No, too frivolous. Nightmare Moon? Perhaps, but… there were so many to chose from!

Her mind had floated through five or six ponies of ill repute, and was currently briefly entertaining Angel Bunny when Sam interrupted. “Just pick one. Now, would you call them powerful?”

Toast went everywhere, as Twilight laughed in spite of her breakfast. Nightmare Moon perhaps, but not Fluttershy’s adorable pet rabbit. “Exactly. Now, I want you to think about that person really hard, and now…?”

“Give them Princess Luna’s power. What would they do?”

Twilight’s slack jaw was only the precursor to a look of absolute horror, and Sam knew she had hit gold.

“Run for your lives! It’s the Hare in the Moon!” Ponies were screaming and galloping everywhere, as a shadow fell over Canterlot. Overhead, the sun was being blocked out by a rapidly approaching moon, preparing to crash down upon them all, and extinguish all pony life. A unicorn fainted in shock, unable to contemplate her doom.

Atop the moon, Angel stood, paws outstretched to the sky from which his lunar missile had descended. He was cackling in mad laughter, or would if he had been disposed towards speech. His muteness was only one of the reasons everyone had picked on him in the past, but who was laughing now? Huh?! Well, not him, but no one would be around to care much in a moment.

Bunny and moon descended upon them all, and revenge was so sweet. Oh so sweet.

“Let us never speak of such an idea again.” Twilight recovered her poise, but not without a bit of trembling. O’Hare looked at her in consternation, but got the point.

“Aren’t you overthinking this a bit, kid?”

“Am I? Every bitter, jaded, spiteful person in the world, and you’ve just given them magic. Maybe not godlike powers, per se, but what’s the first thing they’re gonna do? You haven’t thought this through.”

“That is why we’re talking now, yes? Don’t just write the whole damn thing off.”

The cursing did not translate across Twilight’s amulet, but she could see the anger in his face. “Well, we don’t have to. I don’t think.” The colonel and Sam swapped expressions almost immediately. “Okay, so magic everywhere good, or at least better, but the immediate spreading would be bad. So we just need a way to tide things over until everyone gets used to the idea!”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“We have the greatest minds in Equestria and Earth! I’m sure we’ll find a solution. These things have a way of working out.” Sam was not used to being called a great mind by any stretch of the imagination, unless it were a contest for sarcasm. That said, if Twilight was going to ask what could go wrong, violence would have to occur.

“Well, give it some more thought, and don’t go running off doing things until you have.” Sam excused herself, and prepared to leave in search of a bathroom. She had no idea how one would be used in her current state, but as long as no guards tried to stop her, something would be managed.

“Oh, Sam, almost forgot. This one’s for you.” Twilight levitated her gold scarab from the mass of amulets around her neck, and floated it over to Sam, who stared at it as if it might bite. “I do have to get back sometime soon, so that everypony doesn’t worry. Still, if anything goes wrong, we’ve put a copy of the portal spell and the energy to power it in here. Just open it up, and… wish really hard, and it’ll take you straight to me.”

Sam decided this wasn’t entirely un-useful, and put it on. “Is that the technical term? Wishing really hard?”

“No, of course not, but it’s a good way to describe it. Just try until it works if you need to.”

“Gotcha.” The bathroom quest was resumed, and O’Hare watched the lion leave. A silly idea was forming in his head, though this one didn’t seem too farfetched.

“I don’t suppose you can make more of those, could you?”

Chapter 5: Little John Cultist

The two had clearly been discussing some matters eagerly, but Sam wasn't entirely sure of the details. All she knew was that the toilets of Earth were far more cumbersome than she remembered, and that they would rue the day they crossed her. When she ruled the world, the best and brightest would be called to remedy this lapse in foresight, so that all of those in the mythological monster affiliation would be able to do their business without undue embarrassment.

Regardless of what devious plans had gotten the colonel back into high spirits, they seemed to be pondering the specifics of Earth society at the moment. Such oddities were of great interest to the princess, because the only thing more interesting than aliens and science was, of course, alien science. Society did not develop in a vacuum, even the ones with vacuums to their name, and she was determined to figure out exactly why they did what they did.

"You don't actually have a military?"

"Well, not in the sense like you were talking about. Millions of guards! That just... boggles the mind." Twilight reveled in the boggling feeling for a few seconds, before resuming her thoughts. "Well, if some sort of threat comes about, it's the sort like a rampaging monster, or someone powerful who's gone mad. Individual threats, with little warning."

O'Hare seemed to see the issue, or at least pretended so to avoid awkwardness. "So you focus on a more responsive... well, response."

"Basically. Spend 'danger money' on training the best and brightest, so that they can deal with threats quickly and efficiently. The faster the response, the better. Is that not as much of a priority with you?"

"Well, fast is good, but if I had to give an answer..." The colonel stroked what little facial hair he possessed. This was not because of any irritation, but rather that he had learned in his career that it paid to look like you were pondering at times, so that others could get the hint. "There's a limit on how far you can train any one soldier? We do have elites, sure, but since any one soldier's offensive ability is far superior to their ability to deal with that offense, any soldier could be removed from combat quickly if caught off guard. Having additional troops and contingencies in case of disaster is more important."

"Whereas with the versatility magic grants our guards, they can more readily respond to threats, and thus are less likely to be laid low from simple luck. The value of additional training doesn't deteriorate as much over cost."

"Never was much one for the numbers myself, but that sounds about right." Sam had been boggling for some time now, but kept it to herself. At the very least, there was toast to tide her over while the others talked about the finer theories of shooting people in the head. A pair of eyes watched from the break room door, but they weren’t important at the moment.

"So what sort of threats do you face? Terrible monsters?"

The sphinx laughed a bit. That was one way of looking at it, if one were prone to excessive pessimism. She was, but tended to avoid this publicly for the sake of people with thinner skins. "People, mainly."

"People? What, like... each other? Didn't you say there were only humans for sentient population?"

O'Hare nodded grimly. "People will always find a way to find fault with others. It's the little differences that drive idiots up the wall. Arm the idiots, and well..."

The princess was aghast. "Oh. Oh wow. So, lacking any external threat..."

"They turn on each other, yes. Part of the reason I was keen on your Empathic Bond talk, or whatever term you used. Unlike some morons, I didn't get into soldiering to kill people, and I'd love some way to shut said morons up. They've got more productive things to do with their time than keep others from invading."

Sam intruded again upon their musings. "Magic as a means of peace in our time?"

"Sure. Why the hell not? If nothing else, Twilight here can pick things up with her mind. Imagine that applied to missiles. People are less willing to wage war places they can't bombard from a distance."

"Is that a fact? Or your opinion?"

O'Hare gave a powerful deadpan look, at least an 8 out of 10. "You haven't met these armchair generals. If they don't have to think about it, it's not important to them. What's one life or a million other than a number on a piece of paper. You can see my... motivations for wanting this sort of thing?"

The two nodded, but for different reasons. "In any case, how would such a... connection work?"

Science! The glow was back in the princess' eyes. "Well, it takes energy to make a magical connection, but I've got that covered." She gestured towards the glowing amulet on her. "It's a storage device for magical energy, to power magical usage while I'm over here. This should be more than sufficient to power any sort of initial spark, and from there, the connections are self-sustaining. Well, mostly. I'd say you'd need a network of about 100 sentient mages before the energy breaks even. Otherwise it would disperse too weakly to power connections to keep it afloat."

The number of people involved in this sort of effort seemed to hit home to Sam. "Surely this wouldn't be happening one at a time?"

"What? Oh no no, that would be... wow. No, it should be easy enough to set up something in an area of effect. Create connections among any humans in the area, using magical reserves like this one. Start from a center of population, and cause a spread."

"And don't cause global chaos."

She put a hoof on Sam's shoulder in a heartwarming gesture, or at least what she thought one looked like. "Worry thyself not like the old mare." A pause, then, "It's a joke."

"Don't explain it."

"In any case, we'll get to work on that on our end, and smooth out the details of chaos and such as we go."

"Oh goody." Sam's excitement was riveting. This could not possibly go wrong!

The cell had been upgraded in Sam's absence. O'Hare had ordered that two soldiers find themselves a pet store and ensure Sam’s comfort while they kept the sphinx in for study. Over objections that there were no such stores in close proximity, and indeed the research lab's location was chosen for its remote area, the colonel reminded the troops that no one would mind too much if they hit the bars while they were out looking. If it took a few extra hours to find their objective, who would notice?

The soldiers, thus, left without complaint.

In any case, there was at least a soft mattress and a blanket in here, as well as a rather demeaning water dish. If the soldiers had not noticed Sam still had thumbs, and was perfectly fine using glassware provided she did not try to walk at the same time, they did not seem to care too much. The blanket would be awkward too. How does one use such a thing with wings?

Wings. Hmm...

Terrible thoughts were forming in Sam's mind. No one was watching, or if they were, they weren't making much of a show of it. And given the portal connected through this room, there was clearly an abundance of magical energy about. She lacked the finely honed senses to tell the difference well, but even Sam could note a certain charge in the air. It was just a matter of... how had Twilight put it? 'Wishing really hard?' Well, if the flight was magical as predicted...

Twilight opened the cell door, wanting to leave where she arrived from. This exodus was mildly interrupted by the sight of a sphinx, upside down, sprawled against the wall in obvious confusion. "What are you doing?"

"Mistakes were made!"

"Say no more," Twilight said, understanding completely.

John was a small human, whom society had long since regarded as unremarkable. Such was often the fate of men named John. What talents he had (a keen knack for pastry creation and a photographic memory) were often considered with an air of “Oh, isn’t that adorable” and then filed away in the place of memories usually reserved for drunken college parties.

He would kill them all one day, but only if he could not prove them wrong first. Sometimes it paid to be nice to people.

Currently, John was leading the affairs of the Transhumanist Society, which was not as impressive as its name denoted. They had four members at the army base, and generally held their meetings because there was not all that much fun to be had at an Army research facility, and they would take their social amusement where they could. Still, recent events had inspired them to take things a bit more seriously, for they knew that THE FUTURE was at hand. Blinking was punishable by death.

“I do call this meeting of the Transhumanist Society to order.”

“Motion to come up with a better name.”

“When you have one to suggest, engineer, we will consider it.” The men sat hooded around a bunk room, plotting deviously. The hoods were a matter of course, for such things were mandated in all sorts of secret societies. They clearly knew who the others were, but it added a level of formality that would otherwise be lacking. “For now, we have business.”

“Yes. What of the sphinx? Can she be replicated?”

“I have heard that she does not wish it to be so, but yes, it can.” Muted applause, or as much as one could have with a crowd of four. “The process was caused by exposure to Earth Beta’s magic field, and that any non-magical human exposed without adequate protection would be affected similarly.”

“But… they plan to apply this protection.”

John was sad to admit this truth. “Yes. They believe in an Earth of magical humans, of society much the way things have been.” Boo! Hiss. The peanut gallery disliked this immensely, but had little constructive criticism to add.

“Can we introduce the… transformation into the process?”

"Not without their knowledge. The unicorn would be in charge of the entire affair, and she would know her craft. Any such attempts must be through her.” A pause for effect. “As much as it pains me to say it, I believe….”

“We must ask politely.”

Gasps were elicited. Those present envisioned women screaming and children crying. “Wait. They would never allow such a meeting! O’Hare wants control!”

“Of course he does, in much the same way we do. He knows the threat of those that would hamper the introduction of magic, and wishes to cause it to occur before anyone can meddle. In this our aims align. However, that is no reason to let things slide. We can have our cake, and eat it too, so long as we are careful.”

“Welp, we’re screwed.” The engineer was bopped soundly on the head for this, but it had been Worth It.

“Stop that. We simply need to help the unicorn understand. In this, I have a cunning plan, though we must be careful as to when to spring it. I believe we should let things proceed as they are for now. Continue blinding the superiors as to what is happening here, so that O’Hare can begin the spread of magic. Once this is done, and hard to reverse, then we can work with the unicorn on proper implementation.”

They nodded their heads in agreement. This would be, if nothing else, exhilarating. To be on the edge of history! Now if only their group didn’t have such a stupid name. Alas, no thoughts were coming to the transhumanists on this front, and so they were stymied by a lack of creativity.

Twilight returned the next day, bearing far more of the ‘magical battery’ necklaces., as well as several of the gold scarabs. “What are those for?”

“The colonel’s idea! He mentioned something about the politics of Earth being complicated, and said that spreading magic would be best in all sorts of nations at once, so that there isn’t a clustering of power.”

“Reasonable, but terrifying. How exactly do you plan to do that… ah. The portal necklaces.”

“Yes! Since we can instantly hop to wherever the necklaces are keyed with the portal spell, we can just set them up at our target locations, then hop from one to the next until we’re done! It was a brilliant idea.”

“Still skipping the whole chaos issue, Twi.”

The alicorn shook a hoof at this. “Well, we’re going to work on testing that here! Set up magical connections, see the level of effect the Empathy Bond has when applied, and so forth. We need data to make a decision, not just guessing and speculation! Science!” She was doing the thing again, but Sam didn’t mind. Sometimes you just had to let people have their quirks. “In any case, I wanted to run some tests on magic other than just unicorn spells, so we’re bringing over an assistant today.”

“Oh? What, to just try using magic off of the battery amulets?”

“Flight, mainly.” Twilight was interrupted by the portal opening, and a rainbow blur shooting out at high velocity. It was the Rainbow Dash, and she seemed very pleased at the whole experience.

“Twi, that is so trippy. You never told me portals were like that!”

“You never asked." Twilight turned back to Sam. "In any case, your… attempt at flying yesterday got me wondering about the specifics, and it’s a great chance to study it in a non-magical environment.”

Sam sighed, resigned to the fact that she would not be in control of anything ever. “As long as she doesn’t go flying across the countryside. I’m reasonably sure that magic and anomalies thereof are supposed to be confined to the base.”

Rainbow was affronted. “I’m not an anomaly!”

“She means it in a good way, Dash. Super fast and the like.”

“Oh! I guess that’s okay, then. For yes, I am The Dash.” She was very full of herself, but Sam mused that if she were a supersonic fighter pony, she would be proud too. Some things were just cool.

Twilight stepped up to get things trotting. “So, where’s the colonel?”

“I haven’t the slightest, but I bet if we ask nicely, someone will tell us. You realize they keep me in here, right? I don’t exactly go wandering about the base.”

“Why’s that?”

“Reporters. Sphinxes would be front page news, I imagine.”

“Surely someone’s blabbed by now, right?”

Sam blanched at the thought. “Let’s not encourage them, please. The whole thing is already odd, let’s not add gawkers to the mix.” She opened the door, and was surprised to find that the soldiers did not complain too much about them going forth, though there were further mutterings of the creatures ‘multiplying’. Rainbow, for her part, did not walk anywhere, simply floating around. Now that she had a better look, Sam noted a battery amulet on her. Perhaps they were measuring the rate of energy use? Bad thoughts of Dash plummeting from the sky filled her brain, as while the pegasus was a looker, she was not entirely aerodynamic according to physics and engineering. Too much weight in the bones.

The cell door closed behind them, as they left to seek an interesting future.

Chapter 6: Miss Happiness

Rainbow Dash was a delight for the soldiers. They were amused at the idea of a fighter plane that could land on the sidewalk, and she in turn could not get over the idea of strapping oneself inside a jet to fly around. This seemed like a very hazardous idea, and she demanded to be allowed to try it one day.

The volunteer list wasn’t as broad as Twilight had hoped. The prospect of laser vision was cool, but Sam being in the room made everyone uncomfortable, despite assurances that no one would end up quite so fluffy. Still, they found a few brave soldiers willing to put their skin consistency on the line for progress. Their names would have been remembered by history, but they sounded stupid, and thus would end up changed by the time the movie rights were acquired.

The process was simple, and it was interesting to watch. It wasn’t the same as had been performed on Sam in the hospital, but there was still a sense of magic fluttering around. Probably the pale glow that emanated from the alicorn as she worked. Glowy things always seemed to reek of magic.

The affected humans did not seem very different afterwords, though they did show a certain level of success with Twilight’s attempts at basic magic lessons. While they had some trouble in manifesting the basic movements that the alicorn did with ease, they seemed to be able to more keenly manipulate things they treasured. Their wallet over a stray napkin, for instance. They took to it very keenly, and already were plotting how these new skills could be used. MAGIC looked great on a resume, they concluded. In any case, they didn’t seem to go insane with power, which was the point of the test. “See? You have nothing to worry about.”

“Twilight, these people are happy. Successful. They have jobs, careers, they’ve made something of themselves. These are not the people we’re worrying about.”

“But they seem reasonable enough. If there are some bad lots, you just need the good ones to help sort things out.”

“Optimistic.”

“I try to be. We just have to do our part, and everything will fall into place.”

“Ahuh. I’ll believe it when I see it.” Sam took a moment to watch, as Rainbow Dash did a few loops for the cheering crowd. The walking on the ceiling bit wasn’t quite as awe-inspiring now that Sam had a grasp of how it worked, but it still looked neat. One of the magicked soldiers expressed a desire to perform such a feat, but only managed to fall over when trying. Magic took practice, skill, and certainly more composure than that one bore. Ah well.

"Well, I think this is a good bit of data. Excellent! There shall be much magic." There was a mild pleading to stop the mad scientist routine. That would make Sam the dimwitted henchman, and she wasn't entirely sure she looked good with a hump.

"Question."

"Oh? What's on your mind?"

"Well, she does the flying thing, you do the telekinesis thing, and so do the soldiers. Or, at least they're trying their best."

"It takes practice, Sam."

"Well, yes, but... does that mean Rainbow could do it to, if she tried?"

The princess pondered. "Not really? Well, not very well at least. It's a matter of biology." Rainbow was affronted at this. How dare there be something she could not do with aplomb. Rude.

"Doesn't seem to require special magic organs in the rest of us."

"Well no, but if you're used to using said 'special magic organs', it's hard to not use them. The magical ability resonates with the biology in our case, so that the wings help channel the flight abilities, the horn the telekinesis, and the muscles for the strength in the earth ponies. One helps feed the other."

"But she technically could, if she worked at it."

"It's not unheard of, but that's quite rare that anypony puts that much effort into something like that when they have perfectly functional magic of a different sort available. The alicorn process," she gestured at her combination of wings and horn, "is a way of layering the biology of all three types into a single pony, so that that sort of biological block can be overcome. It tends to fade into single types when passed onto children over time, though, as certain magical trends resonate in the ancestors."

"And it's not just some thing that is done upon reaching adulthood, or whatever?"

"No, I only think Celestia and Luna know how to perform the ritual, so it's rather rare, and only reserved as a reward for exceptional service." Like a medal of honor, except with extra limbs. How... awkward. The idea of meritocratic royalty seemed like an oxymoron, but Sam didn't pester too much about the vocabulary.

Rainbow interjected from a few feet overhead. Her ability to pop in like that was worrying. "I still don't see why I can't have it too."

Sigh. "You're a Wonderbolt captain at 20, Dash. That's still like, unheard of? You never stop reminding us."

"Yeah, but if I can be a captain, why not... a princess captain! Princess of the Skies! Pshewww." She shot around the room at breakneck speed, disrupting the practice of a soldier who was trying to send a paper airplane in circles. He only managed to recover control of the plane in time for it to zoom right up his nose, to the delight and jeering of everyone around him. Such was often the fate of people named John trying to show off.

"Go save the day a few more times, and I'm sure you'll manage just fine."

Sam was amusing herself with the discarded paper airplanes at this point, but another thought struck. "Well, if we're working on uplifting everyone here apparently, what's so bad about doing it to someone with a proven track record?" John was suddenly beside himself with interest, but no one cared.

"It's a matter of time and effort. This process can be done simply by starting the spread and controlling it. The uplift ritual is a carefully applied spell, taking lots of time, effort, and energy. There's a world of difference."

"The concept is the same."

"Only if you're talking biology."

"Applying concepts to a person so that they can channel them later?"

"Well yeah, but that's any magic of that vein. Technically, it would apply to setting somepony on fire, but you don't want that to happen, do you?"

"I'll pass."

She smiled, and returned to the magic lessons. "Thought so. Let me know if you change your mind, it is a bit chilly."

"We can turn up the heat; you know that, right?"

The princess goggled a bit at this. "You CAN do that? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. How? Where? Show me!" Science. And with that, she was gone, immersed in a fantasy world that only the best of indoor heating could provide. Sam and Rainbow exchanged glances at each other, mouthing the word 'egghead' in jest.

It had been a week since Sam's abduction, and she was starting to get bored with the whole thing. As much as she hated the idea of spiraling the world into chaos, it had a certain charm to it that would relieve sitting in a cell and occasionally being stuck in the butt with needles. The research doctors insisted that it was for Science, but that was everyone's answer for everything nowadays, and she knew that it didn't have to be quite so painful. There wasn't quite the same excitement about reading reports on 'Alien Blood Tests' when the blood was your own, painfully stolen by clinical vampires in white coats.

Twilight had come and gone over the past few days, but didn’t seem to be revealing too much of her research. “Not yet!” She would say, before entering into a ramble about how Science could not be rushed. Yes, it could, and yes, she was rushing it, but as long as she told herself this, she wouldn’t have to admit it.

A stuffy looking woman in a business suit with a professional looking shoulder-bag came into the cell, expecting some research work to oversee, and she was beside herself in terror upon seeing Sam. Someone hadn't given her the memo, as she clawed at the door to be released. They WERE feeding her to the lions! Shit! Years of paranoia welled up in an instant as everything her parents had assured her wasn't true, indeed, was.

"Can I help you?"

A look of abject horror filled the bureaucrat, and she knew despite herself that there was clearly some sort of horrible prank going on. "I... I'm here to examine the experiment."

"Guilty. At least as far as you won't let me wander anywhere there could remotely be a fear of reporters, or reporter-like monsters."

The woman was clearly still not quite on the page of 'the experiment is allowed to walk around in the cage', but stopped trying to escape for the moment. "I... see. Well!"

"Colonel O'Hare send you? Without explaining, I guess." The 'because it was funny' was implied. He definitely seemed like the sort who would get a hoot out of such a joke.

"He has been relieved of duty." The 'he' was very stressed, as if trying to force out a particularly large fart.

"Oh really. What brought this on?"

The woman composed herself, and unleashed a rehearsed speech. "He has been found complicit in aiding the enemy, dereliction of duty, active treason against the government, and at least 20 other heinous crimes. I believe this is a more... public summary, by people paid far more to write this sort of drivel." She reached into the bag, and tossed out a newspaper with a look suggesting that it was covered in slime.

Sam read thus aloud: "MAGIC! World governments were reeling yesterday at the revelation that across the world, unexplained phenomena had caused several population centers to be afflicted with a condition that allowed those affected to display supernatural, and as of yet unexplained, powers." A sigh and a facepalm were all that was needed to communicate that yes, the talking lion was as exasperated with the situation as the bureaucrat. "For the record, I told him repeatedly this was a bad idea."

"And you didn't stop him?! This... this is!"

"Lady. Entirely against my will, I am a giant cat thing in a cell, whom your doctors keep stabbing with needles. Talking horses keep trying to convince me to go along with their plans for relations with a magical world, and the person in charge of this place seems to think I'm more adorable and cuddly than an actual person to negotiate with. I am lucky if I get to use the public toilet once in a while. Eating the guy holding the ability to order me pizza is not high on my priority list." Sam offered the woman a piece of cold pizza, but she declined in a horrified manner. That was Plebian Food, and she would not partake, especially in the presence of the test subjects. Standards were necessary.

"Well. I would say that I see, but I don't."

"Good for you. Since you actually seem affiliated with the outside world, are we all to die in our sleep?"

"That depends on information that I do not have access to." Or that you're not at liberty to tell the talking cats, but Sam wasn't going to challenge the public fiction here. "At the moment, we are ascertaining the situation. It was easy to trace O'Hare's involvement, but we did not realize the level of threat until after having a reason to investigate further."

"Which is what he wanted, I'm sure. You'd have told him no faster than you could cover him in paperwork. How fast is that, by the way?"

She scoffed at the insult, but did note that "He was arrested within the hour."

"Goodness. That is fast. And they say bureaucracy is sluggish."

"And he was clearly running a loose ship, if Patient Zero's holding cell is... a bedroom, rather than a clinical study area."

"You're just upset they didn't warn you. I doubt the army spends money on viewing areas, surely you would know?"

"Spare me. As long as we are here, you are to cooperate with the investigation."

"As if I have a choice. Since you're clearly in a hurry, lay it on me." Sam leaned back against some of the pillows in the cage, and waved a paw. "What details elude you?"

The woman whipped out a clipboard with speed that would astonish even Dash. "Who is this... Twilight figure? She is referenced numerous times in O'Hare's logs, but has no designation, other than being important to his research." Miss Happiness started to read more, but was drowned out by the sound of the portal opening again, and a princess stepping out.

Sam waved at them. "Ah, good morning Twilight. We have guests." The scream was deafening, and Sam's grin exquisite. If nothing else, her new leash-holder was proving to be great fun. She now knew how Discord felt on a daily basis, and she liked it.

Chapter 7: Units of Scale

The screaming had stopped, and explanations were given. Miss Happiness was apparently “Edith Perkinson, Investigator of Internal Affairs”, and it was her job to report back on how doomed everyone was. How delightful. Twilight had some explaining to do, but didn’t really seem to have much in the way of justification as far as Edith was concerned.

This was mildly stymied by her inability to grasp any of the sorts of magical theories that Sam and O’Hare had taken to readily. She was a creature of habit and procedure, and the sudden addition of talks about ‘portals’ and using the necklaces as a relay to act around the world in a single day went right over her head. People didn’t just teleport from London to Jakarta in a few minutes. Willickers. Next you would be arguing that ponies could talk, and that too was unreasonable.

Regardless, the story eventually came that Twilight’s grasp of authority was running on conceptions of Equestrian delegation. Someone assigned a position or task was given that role due to showing adept skill in that area. Since O’Hare was clearly in charge of the diplomatic and magical efforts, he was thus the most suited for dealing with the situation, and had authority thereof. Naturally. The idea of inter-departmental bickering was mildly foreign to her: ponies who disagreed with the chain of command were generally presumed to, for lack of a better term, ‘suck it up’, because causing internal discord would ensure that they got little authority of their own in future endeavors, having proven that they could not be team players.

Earth meritocracy was a bit different, and the princess was grasping that a little late.

“Well, we have been working on ways to deal with any fallout of the magical connection process, if you’d like to see them.” Papers were pulled out of a bag magically, which only served to rile Miss Happiness even more.

“That will NOT be necessary. You’ve done quite enough. Please do nothing more until we can… decide on a course of action. I do not need to say that it will most likely not involve any further meddling in our affairs.” She left in a huff, with Twilight mildly dejected at this sort of discouragement.

Sam got up, having used the verbal lashing as an excuse to not actually be part of the conversation. Someone else was getting blamed for the mess, and she did not want to share. “She’ll be back, you know. There’s little she can do without your help, whether she wants to admit it or not.”

“That’s not what it sounded like.”

“Because she’s still trying to convince herself that it’s not the case. Regardless, I don’t think she’s the one who’ll actually be calling the shots.” This only worried Twilight further. Who was in charge, then? Everything about this chain of command was dumb! “She’s just an investigator for the people who are actually in charge. They’re currently dealing with the PR fallout of this mess, so they send stupidface here to figure out the details.”

“And then?”

Good question. Sam really had no clue, honestly. Something was bound to break sooner or later, and barring some cunning plan, nothing much could happen until it did. “I imagine running around screaming is out of the question.”

Twilight pawed the ground nervously. “…is it really that bad?”

“Care to read?” Sam offered her the newspaper.

“I couldn’t if I wanted to. The amulet only works with speech, not writing.” Oog. Good point. Sam thusly flipped open the news, and started perusing more than just the exhilarating headline designed to sell all sorts of dead trees.

“Let’s see… panic in local governments… global emergency convening of political leaders… pleas to remain calm… Page E1 has a report on a wacky cult leader declaring that this is the end of the world and such. Interested?”

“I’ll pass, please.”

“Well, don’t go away just yet.” Sam was no good at this newscaster voice, but she tried her best. Becoming a kitty person had taken the spice and grandeur out of her drawl. “Markets are in a panic as everyone everywhere does something, even if they don’t know quite what. Buy, sell, it’s all good, so long as it makes them feel comfortable.”

“Perhaps that’s an angle then! Comfort. Make people at ease with magic.”

“I’d ask how, but it’d go over my head. Also, you’re talking brainwashing on a global level.”

“Not brainwashing! No no no… just… like a helping hand. Someone to tell them it’s all right.”

“With magic making them trust said helping hand, of course.” Well duh. When there was a situation, magic would always make it better. Twilight’s vast experience meant that she Knew this, even when it was flatly untrue. She was nothing if not steadfast in her beliefs; such was required as a pioneer of magical Science.

“Semantics aside, that’s a lot of helping hands. You do have a general idea of how many of us there are, yes?”

“It can’t be That many. Spells covering the bulk of Equestria have been done. I’ve done a few myself! And besides, raising the sun.”

“Aligning it. Alright then, how many ponies are in Equestria? Or people in general.”

“Well, there’s not a super-accurate number, but general tallies put it at a nice 1.2 million. Pretty big, right? Even if Earth is a 10-fold factor, it shouldn’t be too hard to work something out.”

“Ahuh. That’s what I thought. Twi… we’re talking over 7 Billion humans.”

Twilight nodded in agreement. This wouldn’t be too… oh. You meant with the B. And not just any B, but a capital one. This was serious Business.

“Well poop.”

“So yeah, factor of 6 or so, give or take 1000. Good effort, but we’re talking a staggering amount of people.”

“I don’t even… how do you have that many people?”

“Practice. The lack of ravenous monsters helps too, though we’ll probably be fixing that relatively soon, wouldn’t you say?”

The princess drooped her head. “You don’t have to rub it in.”

Sigh. “I kinda do, don’t I? If we’re going to fix things, might as well stop fooling ourselves about how icky it could get, yes?”

“Right. You’re right, I guess. Pessimistic, mind you.”

“Thank you, I try. Someone has to be the sourpuss, and I’d rather it be me than Miss Happiness over there.”

Twilight pondered a bit, but this would take a bit longer to load than she’d like. “Alright then. I’m going to think about this for a bit. It shouldn’t be impossible to work a spell over hordes of people, but it’d be better if we could do it before it spreads further. Less to work with, less to deal with.” A thought struck her, but it was still cooking. Doughy plans made for messy hooves. “For now, try getting a good number on how it’s spread. I mean, I’ve got the theoretical idea, but I was under the impression we’d hit most of the major population centers. You’re telling me we’ve barely scratched the surface.”

“How many did you visit?”

“Eleven, with conversion areas of about 3 square trails each.”

“Pardon?”

“Hmm. I guess that wouldn’t translate. No equivalent unit of measurement in your language. Roughly 100,000 people each time?”

“So 1.1 million, or almost one Equestria.” Hence how she’d gotten the idea that it couldn’t be too much more than that.

“Incidence of about .014, .015%. Small, but it’ll spread fast.”

“Wonderful. Well, let me know when you get some good ideas. I’ll try pestering the happy lady about recent news.”

“Thanks.”

Twilight left the cell to go clear her head, leaving Sam alone with the paper. She picked it up, and proceeded to amuse herself with the cultist article. “And lo, the great destroyer Apollyon shall be known by… dang. You guys are crazy. Who writes this crap?” Still, it was a worrying thought. Someone had bothered to write said crap, enough to believe it. Humans running around carrying objects with their mind didn’t really ring as the end of the world to Sam, but clearly some people weren’t so complacent. “Now see, why can’t people run around declaring happy news? Gimme a public interest story about a person cosplaying as Jesus telling people to be friends.”

Ah, there it was, complete with the fat guy in the hastily made Jesus Robe. Sam had only needed to turn the page. Goodness. People were so odd.

“Alright, where is she?!”

It was too early in the morning for this. Technically, it was too late at night, but time had little meaning in a box filled with pet accoutrements. Sam was rudely being poked and prodded by a hoof attached to blue fur, and it wasn’t going away.

“Can I help you, Rainbow?”

“Yes! Where’s Twilight? She was all worried and such earlier, and hasn’t been back since this morning. Do you know her?”

“Not as much as you. Is this a bad thing?”

“Yes! Twilight is, like, entirely the sort of pony to run off doing something stupid. You have to remind her not to be an egghead about these things!” Sam did, almost every day at this rate, but clearly that wasn’t good enough. Alas.

The sphinx yawned, and pulled herself out of the blanket fort. It was cozy and comfortable, and she would miss it terribly. “Alright, alright. I’ll go ask someone. There are people everywhere, you know. They’d know where she went.”

“We’re talking about the same absent-minded teleporting wizard, yes? Walls have no meaning in her world!”

“…point.” Rainbow’s paranoia was exquisite, but this was perhaps to be expected from somepony who could portal in at any given moment. “Well, wait here for a moment. I don’t think our new landlady would like ponies flying around in a panic.”

Sam left, leaving Rainbow Dash more confused than before. New landlady? She was envisioning some sort of Earth Human, like an Earth Pony, but more stupid looking. Oddly enough, this would not have been far from the truth, even if the principle was different.

Well, that was disappointing. Twilight had gone for a walk around the base, to check on the magical soldiers she had been experimenting with earlier. Confirming findings, perhaps? More tests seemed probable. Some sort of scheme was hopefully hatching in her brain, and if guinea pigs were needed, then as long as they volunteered, no one would mind.

Still, none of the soldiers she had talked with seemed to recall her dashing off in a hurry. She was, by and large, missing. “Well, damn.”

“Don’t just stand there! How could you lose a princess?”

“Carefully.” Sam was not in the mood. This had a bad feeling to it. Twilight would not have gone away of her own accord, meaning that she did so involuntarily. Either a problem that needed addressing, or…

“How much did she tell you about the portal spell?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes in midair, giving the impression of a bizarre barrel-rolling orbit. “Way too much. Egghead stuff, remember?”

“Right. She mentioned at one point that this… Discord guy-“

“Ugh. Not him.”

“Bear with me. He could technically use the spell to target specific people, or at least get close to specific. Hence how he grabbed me, and surely he could grab Twilight if need be.”

“I’m not asking him.”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Yet. Plan Bs and such.” Sam thought a bit harder. Plots and schemes were forming, but they needed a bit more courage.

Courage was not what arrived, and they had to make do with droll. “I do hope you’re not preparing to make ANOTHER mess.” Oh goody. It was Miss Happiness in the suit, and she was not keen at being dragged out of bed at this hour.

“Cleaning up one. I half had a mind to think this was your doing.”

“Please. We are trying very hard to avoid any further… entanglements.”

“Good to note. Which means it’s not you. That’s nice. I would feel bad about jumping into a less friendly government facility.”

Jumping? This was a plan! Rainbow liked plans. "So wait. You know how to find her?”

“Well, kinda sorta. I still have my escape clause, yes?” Sam wiggled the necklace Twilight had given her. “Open it up, wish really hard, and warp to where she is.”

“But you don’t know where that is.”

“I can find out once I get there, yes? Gimme a day or so. Or however long it takes you to work up the nerve to ask Discord for a favor.”

A deadpan glance was given. “You’re asking about a really long time.”

“Be more courageous than that, hun. I’d hate to be in this alone.”

Edith was not in the mood for these shenanigans. “Now hold on there. You can’t just go running off somewhere you don’t even-“

“Stuff it. Last I checked, Twilight actually had the decency to treat me like a proper person. Perhaps you could learn from her example?” A toothy grin was given, as Sam proceeded to, for lack of a better term, wish really hard.

…nothing happened.

“Wish really hard… magically?”

“I have no idea how to do that. Work, you piece of crap!” Whether the cursing was the proper impetus or not, Sam felt the familiar sensation of being yanked away by some object not quite attached to herself. Reality bent and warped around the sphinx, as she set off on a journey of investigation and adventure!

Rainbow and Edith stared at the space where Sam had warped from. “So… you’re the land lady? I was expecting someone more… imposing.” Diplomacy! Rainbow was a natural, and this was exactly why she was involved in the diplomatic efforts. Yes.

She was sure that Edith’s grumbling of rage and confusion were just par for the course. Humans were very strange creatures sometimes.

Chapter 8: Thinking with Portals

Twilight awoke, but there was no vague smell of destroyed coffee. Spike would be pleased. The dragon had been enamored with the idea of creating the beverage since Cadence brought some back for him, though Twilight did not enjoy the taste much herself. Sadly, his culinary skills were still lacking, and the aroma had seeped into the academy tower they usually lived in.

Wait. That wasn’t right, though. It would have taken at least a week for the place to air out. Right, he exploded the kettle last time. Thank Celestia for waterproof book enchantments. Stil… that meant…

“Oh! Good, you’re up. We have so much to discuss.”

That wasn’t Spike. Much higher pitched, shrill, but still male. The princess looked up, and noted she was in a metal room similar to the army base, though slightly darker. A human in a hooded jacket was staring at her from across the room. She could not see his face, but the figure meant human. Unless it was a fawn, but those sorts of things weren’t common in Equestria, and definitely not on Earth. Twilight rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and mentioned the first explanation that came to mind. “Pervert.”

John the cultist flailed horribly. “What? Why would you- gah! No no no, there are far more important things to worry about! The fate of the world is at stake!”

Ah good. Not a pervert. Still a creep, and a jerkface. “And… where are we again?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I had to call in lots of favors to get some privacy, but now we can talk!”

“And you couldn’t back at the base?”

“No, O’Hare would never allow it, and neither would… that woman.” He grumbled, as if she were a mildly overbearing mother of sorts. Still, this proved they weren’t on the base anymore. Way to let things slip, man. “Regardless, the spreading of magic across Earth.”

“Yes yes, we’re working on that. You didn’t have to go to these lengths just to discuss it.” Come to think of it, how had she gotten here? Let’s see... there was the checkups on the magical soldiers, then Twilight had gone for a walk, and there were these donuts out on a table saying “Take One”.

Oh. You devious rascal. Pinkie would be beside herself with indignation if she knew that someone had stooped to corrupting pastries so.

“Yes, but that’s not the problem. The sphinx! We can make more, yes?”

This was… odd, to say the least. “Well, yes, but… why? Things are already, well… messy I’ve heard. We don’t need to be making things worse.”

John was affronted at this. “Worse? Of course we need to shake things up! That’s the entire point!”

“Pardon?”

“You haven’t seen our world. Petty people with petty problems, divided and foolish. You give them magic, and their first thoughts are to use it to crush their imagined foes. No, we need to disrupt that life! They need a problem, a catastrophe, some sea change for them to rally against. And think of it! What better way than to change the people of the world? Make them think about what they take for granted, force them to band together without actually harming them. It’s perfect!”

“It’s horrible!” Twilight was quite worried at the fervor with which John spoke. “These people are scared and worried, and you want to take it a step further? Did you even think about asking Sam what she thinks about this? Last I checked, she was trying her best to cope, and she’s at least a together sort of person. I know lots of fillies who’d be distraught at that kind of change.”

“Eggs and omelets!” The figure of speech flew over Twilight’s head, but she wasn’t really in the mood to listen anyway. “If we can make the world a better place, and we know exactly how to do it, can we really let such fears get in our way?”

“Yes. I’m in no position to decide for Earth how to manage their problems, and I suspect neither are you. Let’s fix the problem we have now first, and talk about your grand plans once things have calmed down.”

John began pacing angrily. “By then it will be too late! Magic will have spread, people will resist, countermeasures will be put in place. Only by doing it now, before people can react to the change, can we ensure that…”

“Forget it. I’m not going along with your plan, and you’re really not in any position to make me do anything.” Erk. John stopped suddenly, trying to wrap his brain around this, though Twilight finished it for him: “Even if you do have a way to keep me here, you can’t make me cast the spells necessary for your little idea, and I’m pretty sure I can leave whenever I want.”

John raised an arm to gesture wildly, but never got a retort out as light filled the room. He looked up stupidly, in time to see a winged lion fall out of some space between worlds, and crush him to the ground. “Ah, there you are, Twilight. We were getting worried.”

“Sam! Why… how? Oh, right. The portal amulet. You didn’t have to, you know.”

Sam got up, and took stock of the odd human lump below her. “No, but it was more fun than sitting around doing nothing. I was bored, I guess.”

“Get off me!” John had regained his composure, and oddly enough Sam started to float haphazardly up into the air. Only a few feet or so, but John had clearly been practicing his magic with great fervor. Twilight would have to grade him highly on the homework, even if she disapproved of his thoughts on how to teach the class.

Sam was amused at being carried around by some strange person’s brain, but wasn’t entirely in the mood for this. “Nifty. But that’s magic.”

“So?”

“So I can just use the energy to do… this.” Sam’s experience with flying had been short and painful, but at least she got the general idea. It might have been a titanic battle of wills between two noobie mages on a level playing field, but Sam was currently floating in the air. All the battle ended up doing was reasserting the pull of gravity, as Sam’s bulk squished the poor sap again.

“Ahh! Stop that, you stupid cat!” Sam glared, and gave a very wide, toothy grin, all close and breathy-like. John stopped struggling, and proceeded to tilt his head to the left, wanting to look anywhere but his impending feline demise. “I’ll be good.”

“Glad we understand each other.” Still, this arrangement would only last so long as John didn’t do anything stupid. Hmm…

The room was small, metallic. A door with a turn-crank stood behind Sam, while a large metal table was to his left, with a few empty cardboard boxes by it. Books, a toolset, and… that’ll do. “Twilight, pass me the duct tape.”

“The what?”

“That grey circle on the table. It is a miracle of science, which I shall have to teach you about when we are safe.”

Little John Cultist was not happy to be packed in the corner. Sam was no good at this ‘tying people up’ thing, but it got the job done. She had put a cardboard box on John’s head for good measure, so that the cultist could be in the box and think about what he had done. Fluttershy would be proud.

“Well, now what? There’s gotta be an exit here somewhere.”

Sam was confused for a second. “Yeah, door’s right there, why?” Oh. Right, a pony probably wouldn’t be familiar with the idea of a crank door. It didn’t seem like the sort of thing someone with hooves could open, in any case. That was probably the point. “If I had to guess, we’re on a boat.”

“Why’s that?”

Sam struggled. She was stronger as a sphinx, but these sorts of doors were still stupid to open. “I’ve never actually heard of these kinds of things being anywhere else. Make the doors… tight… to keep out water!” The crank started spinning after a few hefts. “…if the ship starts sinking.”

“How would you even make a boat out of metal? That’s kinda silly.” They left, into a tight ship hallway. Sam’s guess was right, though that didn’t help much. Military boats were labyrinths, as far as he could tell.

“Practice. I imagine the first few attempts sank unceremoniously. Regardless, what now? Can’t we just portal back?”

“No, because I have no idea where we are. I need a precise distance and direction to work with.”

“Can we hop to Equestria?”

“I’m not sure on that. If I knew where in Equestria we were, sure. But our maps don’t coorespond to yours, so again, distance and direction.”

“So we could end up inside a mountain, you’re saying.”

The hallway came to an end, with a… ladder of sorts heading up. It was more of a very steep staircase, but it still wasn’t meant for proper travel. Some things had to be scrunched for the sake of space, and military folk were expected to cope, Sam guessed. Upwards, then, for a better view. “No, teleporting doesn’t work like that. You’d just slam into the rock and go nowhere. But, we could end up in the air, or if it’s underwater, this place would be flooded as the sea rushes over to our side. Pressure differences.”

“Gotcha. Well, this should help, come on up.” Sam had entered into an observation room of sorts. Drat. The boat was on the water. Goodness the kidnapper had worked fast. Still, observation posts meant maps, so time to search. “And don’t talk too loud. I’m not in the mood to explain what a sphinx and a pony are doing on a military boat.”

“Or why we escaped.”

“I don’t think they know we’re on board. Or at least, not all of them. This seems more like a place to stash you rather than a concerted effort. Anyway, how does this do for you?” Sam gestured to a map as Twilight finally managed to get up the ladder. She would have to institute proper staircase protocols on Earth when dimensional travel became proper. This sort of ladder was clearly unsafe for pony-kind.

“I can’t read it, remember?”

“Well, we’re… here. When Discord popped me back to Earth the first time, that would have been the same relative location, right?”

“Right. Just world hopping, no change in location.”

“So then Canterlot is here. That’s… 100ish miles west of here, give or take a few degrees north.”

“Great! I have no idea how far a mile is.” Oh. Right. This wasn’t going to work very well.

Clattering and noises were heard from below, followed by John’s screeches of impotence. “I heard them go that way! Please, find them! We can’t let things end this way.”

Sam rushed over to Twilight. “Well, out of time. Just warp us over anyway.”

“But-“

“Do it!” Twilight gulped, pulled energy out of a battery amulet, and launched herself across worlds, dragging the sphinx in her wake.

John shot up the ladder, still covered in duct tape and despair. “No…” One of his accomplices came after him, and put a hand calmly on his shoulder, as if to console him. A donut was offered, but quickly rebuked. It was probably one of the drugged ones, too, because all of John’s friends were idiots. All of them. Even the smart ones. Everyone was an idiot today.

“Well, I think we figured out which one it was!” Sam’s penchant for sarcasm had not abated, even as they reappeared over 100 feet in the air above a beautiful grassy field.

“That’s not helpful! I can’t fly!”

Sam grabbed onto Twilight, and did her best to ‘fly up’. This slowed them ever so slightly, but Sam was fat, and Twilight flailing. Rainbow would have much to teach them both about how not to kill themselves. A bird watched in amusement as the two plummeted towards the ground. The weather was so strange today.

Lacking any other recourse, Sam flipped over and threw Twilight skyward to slow her descent. This only served to speed up Sam's impending CRUNCH with the ground, and she regretted this immediately. There was a slight bounce, then another SMUNCH as Twlight proceeded to use Sam’s painful form as a cushion. She rolled off, and got to her hooves.

“Let it be known that my ribs are the first to fall in the line of duty for Equestrian-Earth relations.” Sam tried to cough, but this was a very bad idea, and her chest staged a protest movement against further coughing efforts.

“Oh gosh. I’m sorry I’m sorry!”

“Hey, we’re out, aren’t we?” Sam let herself lay spread-eagle on the grass, staring at the sky. “Speaking of which, where are we?”

“Um um…. Okay.” Twilight pranced about nervously, then found a landmark. “I know that mountain! That’s east of Ponyville! So we’re maybe 60 trails east of Ponyville, and 40 more to Canterlot.”

“Groovy. Do be a dear and get someone, would you kindly?”

“Sure! Sure, just… stay right there, I’ll be back!”

Sam let her head plop onto the ground. “Don’t worry! I’m not going anywhere.” Twilight teleported rapidly off towards the horizon, as Sam thought about things other than the party of painful angry things in her chest. “Ow.” This was why Rainbow Dash wanted to be a princess without the heroics, it would seem. Next time, she would take the adventure without the crippling pain. Surely the two didn’t have to go together.

Another world away, Little John Cultist gave in, and ate his donut. It was very good, but he would have preferred world revolution to sugary pastries.

Chapter 9: Council

This would not do.

Not the kidnapping of a princess. That was acceptable, and par for the course. Twilight needed a bit of kidnapping now and again, to toughen her up. She was as flaky as Fluttershy sometimes. No, Angel could not abide the state of his couch.

For lo, a sphinx with many a bandage and blanket lay upon it, and was not to be moved. “She needs her rest, Angel! Sam worked very hard to help Twilight, and we want her to get better.”

Twilight, for her part, did not trust the Ponyville Clinic with Sam’s care. They weren’t very good at veterinary affairs, and even if Sam could speak, veterinary meant non-pony as far as the doctors were concerned. She would not have a repeat of the fiasco with Spike’s medical issues, and Fluttershy surely wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to meet and tend to a new fluffy creature.

That was not justification enough for the lord of the house. This was Angel’s couch, and just because some wounded lion needed a place to stay wasn’t a good reason for stealing it from him. He made his displeasure known as best he could with his weak form. Vocal cords eluded him, and for this he was eternally bitter. Especially since everyone else thought it was cute that he could not speak. It wasn’t cute. He would kill them all one day, but only after they catered to his every whim. Sometimes it paid to be abusive to people.

Fluttershy returned from the kitchen with food to placate Angel’s temper, only to find that they had reached a sort of consensus. Angel had placed a cushion on Sam’s head, and was resting gently on it. He would not be forced to sit on a ravenous beast even if it did come with an automatic warming feature, for some things were just too dangerous, even If Fluttershy swore by the passivity of her guest. Standards were necessary, and Angel felt the pillow was a good compromise. Sam, for her part, was too tired to argue, and so let the rabbit lay claim to her head. A victory for the ages.

And Angel got his cake. Fluttershy was so nice like that. No reason to waste perfectly good cake just because they had, in fact, managed to get along. Further diplomacy would occur when Sam grew tired of the pillowface, but for now, there was peace. Angel was a master diplomat, even if it was an abusive relationship.

Sam awoke the next day to noises. Ponies talking happily about meetings and whatnot. Fluttershy’s voice was vaguely audible, but the other one was new. Vibrant and perky. She rolled over, spilling Angel all over the floor, and stared down at a small alligator holding a letter in its maw, addressed to… well, he didn’t know who it was addressed to. Twilight had a point about the lack of written language understanding. Still, the lizard probably had the right person, and she took the letter even as Angel angrily demanded that Sam stop moving.

Ignoring the rhythmic beats of Angel stamping on her head, Sam noted that the letter was actually in English. Perhaps Twilight had gotten someone to translate for her? The paper was certainly of Earth make, in any case. “Greetings, Sam. I do hope you are recovering well. You are invited to a Council of the Elements tomorrow evening, and we would appreciate your insight on the matters concerning your world.”

It was signed a Princess Celestia. They had not met, but Twilight spoke reverently of her. Goodness. The Equestrian head of state wanted Sam’s opinion. This was a bad idea, but it seemed better than asking the cultist chap at least. Perhaps they could get somewhere without all this mess of kidnapping and going back and forth between worlds.

Gummy stared at Sam with unblinking patient eyes. He could see into the sphinx’s soul, she knew, and it worried her. Still, the beast was not malicious, and he calmly gave the envelope back to the alligator, who promptly wore it as a comfortable hat.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Fluttershy was sweet, but Sam wasn’t about to miss the meeting, even if it did hurt to walk. The train station wasn’t too far from her treehouse anyway, and it was a mild relief to be rid of the rabbit that had been warring with her for control of the couch. Angel had his victory, and no one minded too much.

“I’ll be fine. So, you’re coming too?”

“Oh yes. It's like a vacation at times. You can’t have a council without the Elements.”

“The Elements?” The word had popped up in regards to the council, but Fluttershy didn’t exactly seem like some sort of elemental. More of a hippie. Perhaps that was what passed for elementals here?

“The Elements of Harmony. Magical relics that help keep order and peace in Equestria. They work with certain owners, and well… I… kinda have one.”

“Now don’t be so timid about it, Fluttershy! You’re good for it!” A country accent came from the back of the train car, as an orange pony with a slouch hat boarded.

“And if I do say so, it’s quite an honor. You should be thrilled! We get to meet the princesses!” A much higher class, more aristocratic voice this time. White unicorn, purple mane, very sparkly. She seemed to be wearing an immaculate dress, in contrast to virtually every other pony Sam had seen. Somepony understood the idea of clothing, at least. That was good to note.

The orange one gave a deadpan look. “Rarity. we see the princesses, like, every two weeks. And Twilight’s already one too.”

“And when will you be a princess? Huh? Huh?!” The hyper voice from yesterday returned, attached to a pink bouncing pony. “Applejack, Princess of the Harvest! We could have a party!”

Applejack blushed. “Don’t go putting titles before they’re ripe, Pinkie. T’aint right.”

Sam had finished working out the kinks in the cushions by now, so as to not be quite so painful. “So that’s everyone? I half expected Rainbow Dash to be part of the crew.”

“Well duh! You can’t do this thing without me!” Rainbow swooped into the carriage at ridiculous speed, somehow avoiding every attempt at crashing into the bunks. “You girls just love getting here early.”

The train started to move regardless, as Rarity balked. “Two seconds before departure isn’t what I’d call being prompt, Dashie.”

“Gotta be precise! Whizamm!” She swooped over to Sam, and briefly thought about poking her before realizing that wouldn’t be very nice. “So! Doing better, champ?”

“Next time, Twilight gets to rescue herself, okay?”

Canterlot Castle was much as Sam remembered it, though it was a bit sunnier today. White marble stone, with lots of fancy stained glass windows. They did so love the windows. The group was an odd assortment, with Sam plodding slowly, Pinkie bouncing along, and Rainbow Dash showing her usual disdain for the pavement. Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy were normal by contrast, but Sam was sure they were all insane in their own special way. This seemed to be par for the course with powerful ponies. A quirk of magic, perhaps?

“Are you sure you have everything, Spike?” Twilight’s voice could be heard from the stairwell to the right.

“Yep! Court reporter Spike, ready for duty!” The princess was followed by a purple dragon-like figure, roughly the same size as her. He was mildly mired by a pushcart of papers and files, ready to record whatever it was they were going to talk about today.

Fluttershy gasped. “Oh my! Spike, you’ve gotten so big.”

“Heh heh. Two more inches since the last meeting! Soon I’ll be able to reach the top shelf by myself!”

Twilight wasn’t enthused about this. “Then I’ll just have to start putting the cookies somewhere else.”

“Noooo!” Chuckles were had, as the crew headed into the meeting room.

It was a rounded amphitheater of sorts, with a marble table in the middle. Various teas and pastries were set out by various benches. Sam supposed that chairs wouldn’t do for ponies, and had gotten used to the sort of reclining posture their furniture took. The sun was shining through an open window at the far end, where a few ponies stood in discussion. Luna she recognized, though there was a white one with an ephemeral flowing mane that seemed of similar build. This was Celestia, then. Twilight made herself busy doing a little dance with the pink alicorn, some sort of greeting ritual that made sense only to them. In any case, the stocky white unicorn beside her seemed a bit embarrassed by it. The pink one’s husband, perhaps? They did seem close. In any case, he was in full uniform, and clearly a member of the state beyond simple servant work.

“Greetings, everypony.” Celestia called them all to order. Spike took a seat next to Twilight, and began to scrawl records of the event. “It is good to see you all here again. As we have guests, let us introduce. I am Princess Celestia, and this is Princesses Luna of Canterlot, and Cadence of the Crystal Empire. I have asked Captain Shining Armor to attend as well, for the opinion of the royal guard on today’s matters. Representing the elements of Harmony are Princess Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie. Representing the interests of Earth is Ambassador Sam.”

This was a bit silly, as everyone stared at her. She was no ambassador, but perhaps there was a public fiction to keep up. In any case, non-magical humans couldn’t travel to Equestria, and the effect hadn’t been studied regardless. Perhaps later they would set up discussions with more ceremony.

“Twilight, you have the floor.”

“Thank you, Princess.” Twilight floated several maps out onto the table. One was clearly of Earth, though another was foreign. The Equestrian world, perhaps? Another showed the two overlayed, probably based on Sam’s talks earlier about where Canterlot was in relation to Earth. Their cartographers worked fast.

“Roughly nine days ago, we were visited by a member of a world similar to, but unlike our own, through the tomfoolery of… Discord.” Sam looked around to see what everypony thought of the situation, getting a pretty good read on the crowd. Pinkie was curious, Fluttershy was disappointed, Rarity and Applejack were beside themselves, and Rainbow Dash was annoyed. Cadence and Shining Armor seemed to fall into the displeased category, though they were more muted in their response.

“I do hope it’s nothing terrible, darling.”

“It has been a great opportunity. We’ve been in contact with this other world, named Earth, and have discussed many things on matters of Magic. Specifically, how their world does not possess a magical field, and they believe that their world can be improved by the creation of one, should… complications be overcome.”

Shining Armor spoke up. “Complications?”

Sam wasn’t much one to beat around the issue. “People not being very keen on the idea of magic. People with issues they hadn’t worked out before, and see magic as a way to escalate conflicts.”

“You guys are so weird,” Rainbow exulted. “Magic’s great! It’s just another way to do stuff.”

“Well, yes, but what if that stuff isn’t exactly happy? Grudges, vendettas, and so on. Long story short, it causes a great upheaval in terms of politics while people try to get a grasp of the situation, and there will be chaos and strife while everyone figures things out.”

Celestia raised a hoof. “How are the nations of Earth reacting as of late?”

Twilight was more knowledgeable on the subject, as she hadn’t been cooped up on a couch with a death bunny. “Power plays, confusion. It’s important to note that even if we hadn’t… accelerated the process, the leak from Discord’s portals would eventually have caused magical connections on Earth regardless.”

“Yet we are still responsible for the current situation, yes?”

Twilight didn’t have much of an answer for that, and looked down at the table. “Yes. So, that’s what we are here to talk about today! How can we make things much more happy and peaceful. We agree that magic in the long term is both beneficial and unavoidable, but don’t want the chaos right now. Point A to Point B. Suggestions?”

Pinkie shot upwards, defying gravity. “The Elements of Harmony!”

Twlight liked this idea. “Well, I suppose there is that. We could-“

“No.”

Celestia’s response was as firm as it was final. She did not seem angry, but rather as one would brush a useless piece of scrap into the trash. “Twilight, do you recall my explanations on the function of the Elements?”

“Yes, of course! They are embodiments of the five fundamental forces of harmony: Laughter, Charity, Kindness, Loyalty, and Honesty, as well as Magic, which ties them together. By channeling energy through those concepts, harmony can be applied to the magical field ensuring that any strife and discord is wiped away… oh.”

Celestia sipped some tea. “I think you have the idea.”

“Right.”

Applejack gave a holler. “Well I don’t. What’s the problem?”

“The elements are Equestrian relics. They create harmony in an Equestrian fashion, and would try to overwrite Earth to be like Equestria. Harmony is created, but at what cost?”

Rainbow Dash didn’t seem to mind. “So there’ll be a lot more ponies. What’s so bad about making people be ponies?”

“That’s rude!”

Everyone stopped and stared, as Fluttershy melted into her bench. What courage she had failed her upon realizing that everyone was watching. Celestia smiled, and nodded. “Go on, Fluttershy.”

“Um, well…” She breathed deeply, and gathered her fortitude. “If somepony from Earth wanted to be a pony, then, well, I wouldn’t mind. But you can’t just make them do that! That’s not your choice.”

“Indeed.” Luna spoke with her eyes closed, as if she wasn’t entirely there. This was very possible, but Sam did not inquire further. “If I recall from your reports, Twilight, you rejected a similar plan not a few days ago.”

“Well, yes. I did. I believe I told them that we needed to solve the chaos crisis first, and then worry about that sort of thing later.” Sam thought about reminding her that Little John Cultist was not exactly an authority figure of Earth, but let it slide.

Cadence offered a thought. “Then we shall have to work in more direct methods. We can still use magic in that sense, so long as it isn’t explicitly Equestrian, yes?”

Twilight groaned a bit. “I thought about that, but… the scale is a bit troubling.”

“Wait, you have a spell in mind?” This was news to Sam. If they did have some sort of way of dealing with the crisis, that would help immensely.

“Well, Cadence is the Princess of Love. Channeling that sort of peace and understanding isn’t out of the question. But… the largest applied usage of your magic would be about that large…” A glow emanated around an area of the Equestrian map marked Crystal Empire. “Applied to Earth, we’re talking about this much.” She lifted the Earth map in the air and rotated it for everypony to see. A 100 mile radius spell was nothing to sneeze at, but in the context of the larger globe, it was rather paltry.

“And that was with the Crystal Heart. We wouldn’t have such an amplifier on a world without magic.”

Everypony looked a bit glum. Well poop. This was a bit of a large problem.

“Twily.” Shining Armor spoke up. “You said that magic was… spreading on Earth. Couldn’t we find a way to apply the spell to this spread? If it will hit everypony eventually, then the spreading magic would be a good way to spread the harmony spell as well.”

The princess pondered. “Maybe? I don’t know. I’d have to look more at the actual effects of the spread. Either way, some magical humans would have left the population areas where they originally became magical by now. We couldn’t track them all down.”

Sam devoured a cookie, and found it was quite delicious. “You don’t have to, technically.”

“Oh?”

“Well, we just need something to tide things over while everything settles. If we miss one or two people, it’s not a big deal. The point is preventing mass panic. Individual panic is bad, sure, but we can’t not do something simply because the solution won’t be perfect.”

Celestia nodded. “And the sooner the better, I think. If we are to go with Shining Armor’s theory of applying the spell to the spread of magic, then success is best when the number we have to treat is low. Do we have information on that, Twilight?”

Science! Twilight brought out her notes on the latest reports from Miss Happiness. She couldn’t read the statistics, but someone had been nice enough to dictate them to her at the time. Hasty pencil markings covered what was once a pristine statistical paper. “At latest report, we are looking at roughly 1.8 million humans, out of a rough 7.1 billion, incidence of .025%. Spreading rapidly out of control, given that it was from a base of 1.1 million a few days ago.”

Applejack was trying to count on her hooves, which was adorable. “Uh, sugarcube, how much is that?”

“A lot. Getting bigger.”

“Gotcha. Not much for the fancy mathematics.”

“Put in rough terms, it’s about the population of Equestria, and then half again.”

“Gosh. That is a lot.”

“And then a thousand more Equestrias left to become magical.”

Rarity was in shock. “Goodness! You do have quite a lot of people on your world.” To this, Sam had no comment. The differences of population growth curves eluded her, as she had failed that class despite her best efforts.

Celestia drew the conversation back inward. “But it is not catastrophically so. Which means that we have time to gather information about how best to go about this idea, yes?”

Twilight pondered. “I don’t see why not. A day or two wouldn’t be too troublesome.”

“Then let us do that. Princess Twilight will return to Earth with Ambassador Sam and Princess Cadence to ascertain the merits of applying a harmony spell to the spread of magic on Earth. Meanwhile, we shall continue discussions here.” Continue discussions? What else was there to talk about? Twilight seemed to share the same feeling, so Celestia continued. “Your reports on Earth have been very informative, and I wish to share them with those present here. If we can better understand our neighbors, we will be in a better position to help with any problems that may arise.”

Twilight nodded. “Then we’ll leave you to it. Send Rainbow Dash over if you need anything!”

“Of course, Twilight. Good luck.”

The three of them got up, and left the chamber. Cadence looked back at the meeting room. “You are sure this will work, Twilight?”

“Well, no, but that’s what we’re going to find out! We need data, and experience. If it works, then we should be able to do something. If not, then we improvise.”

Sam sighed. “Business as usual, then.”

“But of course!” Twilight lifted her head, and opened the portal between worlds. God’s Screensaver played as the trio warped over to Earth, and they found themselves back on metallic floors.

A gruff voice greeted them on arrival. “Welcome back. Had a good trip?”

“Colonel! I thought they’d locked you deep away, so that no one would have to worry about you.”

O’Hare got a laugh out of that. “Such a kidder. They have some term for it, I’m sure. Prisoners who get to work while being under arrest. Whole bunch of hooey.” There was a grin on his face that seemed a bit odd. “Anyway, wait till you see who, no… what we’ve got.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. O’Hare was speaking as if he had reeled in a particularly violent fish, though this was probably not the case. “Dare I ask?”

“He came to us this morning, asking to speak with the ‘magical folk’. Said he could tell that stuff was going down around here. What with you all warping in and out, I guess he could sense it or something. Anyway, we’ve got ourselves a Patient One over yonder!” Oh dear. If Sam was Patient Zero…

What had humanity’s mental problems managed to cook up?

Chapter 10: Acceptance

The group walked through the halls, amid more talk of “multiplying”. Now there was a pink horse! Goodness. They came in so many varieties.

Sam had a thought. “Speaking of prisoners, did you deal with our little kidnapping friends?”

Twilight looked down at the ground a little. It had been… awkward.

“Please! You can’t let it end like this!” John was yelling at Twilight as guards held him down.

“I told you. One mess at a time. I’m not going to start throwing about strange magic just because you want to.”

“Reconsider! Earth needs this!”

Twilight jammed a hoof in her face. This guy just didn’t get the hint. “If I make you a pony, will you shut up?”

John was blindsided by this. He had been thinking of some way, any way to convince Twilight to mutate the human population into monsters and such. This was a bit out of left field. Surely he wasn’t that petty, right? He looked up at her, and saw a bit of disdain in her eyes. Sigh. There wasn’t going to be any grand deal with the pony. She wasn’t going to listen. Earth was doomed, and John might as well get something out of it.

“Yes.”

The guards stared in utter bewilderment as a unicorn colt wearing an army jacket went galloping down the halls in a bundle of excess energy. They did not understand what was going on, but then again, neither did John. He would figure things out eventually, probably around the time someone led him to his cell. For now, he would gallop.

“He’s under watch, at the very least.” She neglected to mention the part where she got exquisite data on the spell she had been preparing to fix Sam with. A win-win situation, so long as the colt was happy. Though on second thought, Twilight mused, she really didn’t care if he enjoyed it or not.

They entered into a sealed room similar to Sam’s resting area. This one instead had a bed and table set up, at which sat a very curious creature. It was human, for the most part, though he reeked of magic. The color had bleached out of his hair, and wings of black and white feathers stretched from his back. He was slightly emaciated, with adorable little horns on his head, and his pale eyes suggested both that he could not see, and that he did not need to see. “Good morning.”

Twilight was exuberant at the sight of the teenage mutant. This was a new species! Or perhaps a sub-species of human, now that such things were possible. Oh goodness, the Science. He seemed younger than the other humans, and with a stringiness to his build, as if he had been stretched out slightly. “So, how did this happen?”

O’Hare looked at a little file hanging on the wall. “We were kind of hoping you could give a hint on that. He got magic, like others, but it’s way overblown in him. Like, magic on your level and such.”

“Well, I can certainly take a look.” Twilight’s horn glowed, and she concentrated for a bit.

The boy looked back at her, still unsure of the fact that his magical doctor was a talking horse. “So… is it bad?”

“Hah! I’ve seen this before.” Twilight was very pleased in this regard. “He’s a concept!”

“Congratulations?” Sam wasn’t entirely sure this was a great birthday present.

“No no no, like with us! See, a pony might be tied to a specific concept magically, but a proper princess is one that’s actually a manifestation of that concept, and generates it on their own.”

“So he’s a concept battery.”

“Well, it’s like how I generate a little bit of magic on my own, being tied to magic and such. Not anywhere on Celestia’s level, mind, but it’ll grow with practice. Same with him. He’s an embodiment of a magical concept on your world.”

“I thought that was a careful and controlled process.”

“It can be, but it can also happen naturally, like with Celestia and Luna. In this case, our friend here is Balance.” Twilight stopped pacing about in her geekery, and turned to the boy. “Oh right, I never did ask your name.”

“It’s Devon.”

“Devon! I’m Twilight Sparkle. Anyway, Balance! You can see it in the coloring too, he’s got the black and white going on.”

Sam hopped up on the bed to relax a bit while they talked. “Not to mention the angel and demon motif.”

“The what?”

“Different cultures. Continue.”

“Right. In any case, he serves as a manifestation of Balance. Similar to the Elements of Harmony back in Equestria. There’s no real demand that they be those six specifically, you can come up with lots of combinations that would promote harmony. Hence, Balance is one that is applied in your world.”

The boy raised a hand. “Great. Can we use it to stop the giant explosions?”

Twilight, Sam, and Cadence gawked a bit. “The what?”

O’Hare kept flipping through the file. “That was his initial problem. Magic going everywhere, blowing things up and crap. He’s calmed down a little, but it’s still rather chaotic.”

Twilight was a bit worried at this, but pondered. “Chaotic. I see!”

“Well I don’t,” Sam erked. “Isn’t it just a matter of too much power?”

“No no no. Well, yes, but that’s not the main reason. Magic is in chaos right now, right? Everything’s trying to get situated, people are being chaotic because of magic, and so forth. There’s going to be a backlash.”

“Ah good. So now we have a metaphor for the human race right now in front of us. Good to note.”

“That is what I was trying to explain, yes.”

Cadence stepped up. “Twilight. If he’s as you say, then couldn’t we use him as a test for the harmony spell? If it works to calm the chaos in him, it would work on a larger scale too.” Devon looked around with worried eyes. Now they were talking about using him as a guinea pig. He knew it! This was a bad idea.

“Yes! Yes yes yes… we fix his problem, and use the method there in the final spell to calm the chaos on Earth. I like it.”

O’Hare put the file up, and wandered over. “All well and good, but how are you going to fix him in the first place?”

“That… is a good question. I suppose we can start by taking a look.” Twilight stepped up to Devon, and started glowing again. “Just relax. I’m going to do a simple vision spell.”

“I don’t think looking inside him will help, Twi.”

“Not inside physically, inside magically! We take the magical connections in him, and display them out here for us to look at and interact with. Like… so.”

The world became frightfully colorful. The walls and features of the room faded into a sense of many floating islands in technicolor space. Blobs of energy and light floated about as if they had little else to do. This was the life. Meanwhile, the ponies were more concerned with the fact that where Devon had been, there were now two Devons. The white one was very avian, angelic, and rather peaceable. The black one was demonic, lizardlike, and generally scruffy looking. The white one was viciously pulling on the black one, who in turn was pushing the white one away. “Oh goodness. That doesn’t look healthy.”

Sam thought to poke the combating Devons, but decided against it. Surgery was best left to the professionals. “So, how do we get them to stop fighting and make friends?”

Cadence looked over the scene. “Well, we need to know why they are fighting. What do they represent, and what brought this on?”

Twilight thought for a bit. “Well, I don’t think they represent anything concrete. They could be all sorts of things. Good and evil, law and chaos, what have you. Any sort of dipole. The point is that they’re suddenly aware of each other, and can’t get along.”

“So they just need to accept that they’re going to live with each other, yes?”

“Hmm… that could work, sure. If we assume that this is because his mind is trying to cope with suddenly being attached to magic, then we need to give a bit of Acceptance to ensure that it can deal with the new paradigm. That sounds like something up your lane, right Cadence?”

Cadence walked forward. “I’ll try. Granted, I’d like to know more about the particulars of this case, but…”

“No! That’s not the point.” Twilight interjected rather sharply, but backed off upon realizing how loud she had been. “It needs to be abstract. If we can do it without getting personal, than we can do it for everypony. It might not be the best fit, but I think he’s strong enough to deal with the aftermath once we’ve got the general effect in place.”

“If you say so. I’ll give it a try.” Cadence began to float in the air slightly, and Sam felt a deep sense of peace and connection with the universe. Everything was going to be all right. Even the painful parts. Yes.

She snapped back to attention as the spell ended. What? Oh, right. Magic. Brain altering magic was very trippy, but in this case it seemed to be for the best, as the black and white Devons were amicably chatting amongst themselves. It was gibberish, as dreams were like to be, but at least they weren’t beating each other up anymore.

“Well. Let’s go outside and see how things went.” Twilight ended the vision spell, and they warped back into the holding area. Devon looked at them with dazed and confused eyes, though they seemed to see a bit more than before. “How do you feel?”

“The headache is gone, and it doesn’t feel like everything’s trying to break out anymore.”

“Yes!” Twilight did a little dance, which the others raised eyebrows at. Sometimes you had to let people have their little celebrations, though, so they didn’t interrupt. “Excellent. Well, if we can apply that on a grander scale, we should be good!”

O’Hare laughed. “And you’ll be doing that millions of times over?”

“Oh goodness no. We just need a way to insert it into the magical field in general, and let it spread like magic has been already. Might need a few kicks in the areas where we… well, kicked things into high gear already, but hey! It should work, and that’s better than not having a clue.” Sam had to agree. This had all the makings of a cunning plan, and this time, no one would have to be given contaminated donuts.

“So can you actually tell that it’s spreading?”

“Oh yes. It’s not outwardly obvious, since these people aren’t problem cases, but I can definitely sense the concept spreading among them. We might have to do another bunch of portal hopping to instill it directly at the previous launching points, but we’ll get to that after lunch.”

It was the next day, and Sam, Twilight, and crew were busy enjoying the worst of army food. They would have to find a way to get the portal jumping going again, as Earth governments hadn’t quite been keen on the idea of more jumps after hearing what had happened last time. Still, having a fix on hand would definitely help conversations in that regard. Sam, for his part, was very pleased at learning of Twilight’s other success. She noted that lacking proper information on what he had looked like before the normalization process, Twilight couldn’t actually change her back to human properly. Still, some parts needed to be returned post haste, and Sam was very proud of this fact. Now if only he could find some pants.

“Aw, cmon. Why’d you do that?” Rainbow Dash was floating in the air, looking over the new male sphinx.

“Beg your pardon?”

“You looked good as a girl! Don’t go around changing the mood just because Twilight wants to throw magic everywhere.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” Sam, for his part, did not equate such things with a simple ‘changing the mood’, as if he were a lightswitch. “In any case, I guess this means you’ll get your wish.”

“Huh?”

“Well, we have a brand new pony in the detention block, so clearly that works. If someone wants to be your new flying buddy, all they have to do is ask.” Rainbow Dash goggled at the idea of millions upon billions of new flying partners, but Twilight was aghast. Surely there would have to be proper immigration procedures. No, even before that, a way to automate the process. One princess was not suited to handling the affairs of polymorphing every stranger who thought it would be peachy keen to try being fluffy for the week.

“One step at a time, little ponies.” Cadence was back, carrying bags full of various battery and portal amulets.

“Is that going to be enough?”

“It better. I’d hate to have to go back and pack more.” Vacations were always a strange exercise in geometry.

Chapter 11: One Year Later

One year later…

“I hear we’re getting some new guests in town! It’s… party time!” Pinkie could be seen cartwheeling around Sweet Apple Acres with exuberance.

“Seems to be a lot of dem nowadays, sugarcube.”

“No no, these are humans! Students from all around Earth coming to see us!” This did not sit well with Fluttershy, who proceeded to hide in a nearby hay bale. “Aww, Fluttershy, don't be like that. I’m sure they’ll like to meet you too!”

“Well, I do hope they weren’t expecting to meet a princess.” Rarity arrived on the scene, and was looking around perturbed. “Where has that mare gotten off to?”

Applejack sighed. “Don’t look at me. I’m sure she’ll show up in an overblown fashion, at the last second. Like usual.”

“Aw cmon, they loved it! Why wouldn’t you?” It was later in the day, after the young interdimensional travelers had returned to Earth. Rainbow was flapping about her villa, making aside glances at Sam. It had taken much pestering, but Rainbow Dash had finally given in to Pinkie’s requests to enchant the villa so that anypony could wander through it; a state that Sam greatly appreciated. Clouds and sphinxes did not mix very well.

“It’s still a terrible idea to have me be an ambassador. And now you’re badgering me about royalty issues. You should know by now not to give me power, hun. It’ll go to my head.”

Rainbow scoffed. “It’s already gone to my head, and you don’t see me complaining!” This was true. Sam doubted Rainbow would ever complain about such things. Indeed, she had spent the first few days after being coronated Princess of the Skies doing absolutely everything around the house with telekinesis. Strange objects orbited around her as she flew, simply for the effect, and nothing was safe from her mental grasp.

“She’s asking the most curmudgeonly person you know to be an Ambassador. That’s not a good level of qualification.”

“Cmon, you’re like, the first crossover, right?” This was true. Sam had spent some time back as a human, but decided that he preferred the oddities that came with being a sphinx. At the very least, the teeth were good at warding off reporters. Those foul beasts that stalked his every move. One day he would catch one, and take it home, and put it in a little box. Then he would spend much time teaching it the error of its ways, before releasing it into the wild to teach its friends.

“True, but you’d think you’d have an Equestrian as an Equestria Ambassador.”

“You want to work for the rabbit?”

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

“That’s what I thought. Now stop arguing about it already! Your princess has been spending all day herding little humans around, and they are crazy. Now is not the time to have to herd another one. Not when we have… class in the morning.”

Sam sighed, and gave up the argument. For now. He still had words for Celestia on the matter, but that was for another day.

And they snuggled until the sun went down.

O’Hare grinned from behind his desk as the little kiddos came back. Their faces were aglow with wondrous thoughts, and more than one demanded that he be allowed to go visit again. True, there was a bit of a lapse when the lab had been converted to the portal facility. No longer was he in charge of research and development, instead being applied in more of a customs role. Still, the job did come with some perks.

Angel Bunny had been beside himself with indignation upon learning of the crossover spell Twilight had invented, and doubly so upon seeing O’Hare. The lapine colonel (he preferred the term Pooka) was very much at ease as a pseudo-Equestrian, and the kids got a hoot out of seeing a talking bunny with a drawl usher them into the facility. Still, this was entirely unacceptable. The bunnies of Earth were large, and possessed of thumbs and speech, when Angel lacked all of these. He had made demands, but they fell on deaf ears for now. Uplifting a spirit as devious as Angel was a Dangerous Business, and even Fluttershy knew it.

He would become a Better rabbit one day, but only if he could convince Fluttershy to get on board. From there, Twilight. One step at a time…

Looking up from the management reports, O’Hare saw a young unicorn colt frolicking with the students. A teacher proudly declared: “He’s the first Equestrian to come live with us! Cmon, guys. Say hi!”

An army major scratched his head from behind O’Hare.”That’s not how I remember it, sir.”

“Son, the amount the PR department cares about that is practically zero. Besides, little bastard’s happy, ain’t he? They get their cute mascot, and he gets all the attention in the world.”

“If you say so, sir. I think I’ll keep my fingers.”

“You and me both. When he’s done playing Prancing Pony, tell John to come on up here? He’s been slacking on the cleaning duty lately.”

“I’ll see what I can do, sir. He tends to wander off if you let him, though.”

“Then put him on a leash. Someone’s gotta mop this place.”

Princess Celestia sat in her chambers, looking over the reports of the day’s affairs. All in all, it hadn’t gone too badly. Enamoring little children with an alien countryside was good PR, and they’d grow up to tell all their little foals about the wonders of Equestria. Some on Earth still insisted that she was to round them all up and exile them to the moon in a violent fashion, but such concerns were ridiculous and outlandish. In any case, this was a good start on Twilight’s Crossover project. It seemed like a reasonable way to show both worlds that their peoples weren’t as different as it might appear.

“Must you listen to that horrible noise, sister?” Luna was in the doorway, with a look of mild distaste. It was true, Celestia had indulged the diplomats of Earth for some of their musical devices. Such wonders! It had taken many a day of carefully adapting a lightning crystal to put out just the right amount of current to power the little toy, but it had been Worth It. The humans made such wonderful and varied sounds, far unlike any in Equestria.

That said, Luna could not comprehend why the princess was listening to the very worst of dubstep, in an entirely unironic fashion. Her sister’s taste in music was deplorable, and certainly not fit for a head of state. Alas, there was no reasoning with her on this matter, as whenever Luna managed to encourage a change of genre, Tia had come up with something worse every time. One would think Celestia was doing it to annoy Luna, but that would be silly.

“I do not mock your musical desires, yes dear sister? Pray tell, what is Abacus listening to nowadays?”

“The complete works of Wolfgang Mozart,” Luna declared without any hint of sarcasm. “It helps him to be at his best and brightest when it is time to work.”

Celestia smiled, and passed over the well-wishes of the human students for her sister to read. The argument had been won in the minds of the guards outside, and Luna didn’t even know it.

In the Hall of the Portal, Discord wore a magnificent frown. A strange cardboard box was sitting where the portal should be, labeled KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF. This was Twilight’s trickery. She had been very firm that Earth wasn’t… ugh. “ready”, for his brand of fun. Simpletons. Their lives would be greatly enriched by an exchange with the most cultured person he knew! Himself, of course.

The chimera wiggled around the box a little, then popped away to a secret dungeon in the castle. It lacked the usual torture implements he might have been fond of in the past, but that was okay. It wasn’t good to dwell on any one phase. Indeed, he would probably get tired of these new customs soon. Regardless, it was nighttime, and the ponies started to filter in. Various late-nighters, as well as a few thestrals that hadn’t started their shift yet.

The club was banging, and Discord knew that he was the best DJ in all of Equestria. True, he was but one of two in the land, and the only one in the castle once he had won exclusive performance rights from Celestia, but that was hardly reason to disqualify the award. The lights flashed, the bass dropped, and Celestia herself could be seen enjoying a drink at a far table. Disguised, of course, for Luna would never let her live it down if she caught her sister down here, but Discord knew better. Philomena was prone to mild explosions when exposed to alcohol, and the fact that this “phoenix” was quite tame meant that the bird was sleeping upstairs. Ah well. Best not to ruin the public fiction until later in the set.

“But you should have seen them! They were so happy! I don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to, Private. This… thing is abhorrent, and I shant be a part of it.” Edith Perkinson did not so much as give another look to the sample brochure in her hands. “Project Crossover! Be a pioneer in interdimensional travel! Emigrate to Equestria today! (Military families only at this time)”. She tore it to shreds, and threw it in a waste bin, ensuring that every scrap found its way to the proper receptacle. These ponies were coming for her, and she would be ready. They would not get her. Not now, not ever.

The private simply stared as the bureaucrat stalked off in a huff.

The classroom was rather excited. It was time! Now! Here! Princess Celestia’s Academy for Gifted Mages was starting, with its brand new name. Twilight had insisted, for if various elite Earth students would be coming to learn, they couldn’t simply limit the process to Unicorns. Besides, she had been hoping to expand classes to Pegasus and Earth Pony students, given what she had learned from the human’s less biologically fixated approach to magic. One day, everypony would be casting spells, and she would be the cause of it all. Yes.

For now, the class was still mostly unicorn foals and fillies. Still, she saw a human in the back being accosted by one of the littler foals, and a thestral jumping to his defense. Night Wing, she thought she remembered from the roster. Son of a pegasus and a thestral, with a noted predilection towards telekinesis and darkness magic that astonished his parents. Well, he was in the right place. She would make him into the best ninja pony.

That was not Twilight’s intent, of course, but children will find ways to abuse their toys. Oh yes. She waved a hoof as Sam and Rainbow Dash wandered in. “Ready for your first lessons, you two?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Yes. I am perfectly ready for your adventures in Magic Kindergarten.” He stopped, as Twilight seized up, with her eyes twitching something fierce. “Um… Twi?”

Rainbow calmly pushed Sam aside, and started giving “shoosh”es and pats on Twilight’s head. “Don’t say the MK words! Bad memories.”

“Ahuh.” The two snickered, and mouthed ‘egghead’ as the professor regained her composure.

“Welcome to your first day of class! I’m Professor Twilight Sparkle, and here we’ll be giving a Primer on Magic! If this is not the class you expected, now is the best time to run away screaming.”

Night Wing made to fly off, eliciting cheers from the peanut gallery. Oh goodness. It was going to be one of these classes.

Lesson 1: Classification

Night Wing was getting flak, in the sort of schoolground mockery that foals were want to deliver upon their foes. He was used to this sort of thing, as people would often deride him for being a ‘bat-pony’. Thestrals were more common in Canterlot with Luna’s return, but they still tended to live up north, and were a rare sight in the daytime regardless.

He retorted with a declaration that maybe he would wear a Batpony costume to school, and how would they like that? This confused Shu (the lone human in the class), who saw a mental image of Batman as a pony, but the rest stopped their jeering to ask if he really had a Batpony costume, because that would be really cool.

The class was an elclectic mix. Rainbow and Sam formed the ‘old ponies club’, because to little fillies, anyone over 20 was an old fart. Twilight did not approve of this designation, even less so when Rainbow pointed out that she could technically be considered Spike’s adoptive mother. Additionally, the trifecta of Sam, Shu, and Night Wing formed the ‘wierdos club’, as they weren’t the usual sense of gifted unicorns. Sam, for his part, noted that if magic didn’t involve travel or flying, he was absolute rubbish at it, and thus he probably wasn’t good for a ‘gifted’ class in general. Still, it was the easiest place to learn, and Rainbow Dash could use the company.

Rainbow had never actually given thought towards applied magic. She flew really fast, and nothing else was needed! Still, the princess ritual ensured that she had an abundance of ways to channel the power usually reserved for flight, and this was a good way to learn new uses for rainbow magic.

Today’s lecture seemed to be a bit different, though. There was a small cardboard box with holes in it sitting on Twilight’s lecture table. The ponies were curious. Did it, perhaps, contain some horrible quiz that they would be forced to defeat? Strange monsters and vicious beasts!

“Alright everypony, settle down. Now, since we had a talk earlier about the application of magic in regards to different species, I figured it would be a good idea to talk more about how those are defined in Equestrian terms.” Twilight turned towards the board, and flipped it over to reveal a few crude drawings of a pony shooting lasers out of its eyes. She had used this previously, in a lecture regarding The Stare, as per amplifying the latent Kindness in a target to make them feel regret and remorse over their actions. That was a different topic, but the picture was still useful as a placeholder.

“At the top end of the spectrum, we have what we consider a being. This is somepony who bears Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma, variations of which I shall explain momentarily using our first example.” She lifted the box lid magically to reveal a small alligator. Gummy stared at the class with unblinking eyes, taking them all in.

He was not technically the first choice for Twilight’s lecture, but Pinkie Pie did have some work to do preparing for this year’s Gala, and she was more than happy to bring the little lizard along. The students pondered Gummy’s strange nature as he observed them. When the time was right, he would devour them all, but it would not be this day. He got as far as deciding that Shu was probably licorice flavored before accepting that the distinction was academic at best, since he would not be allowed to eat any of Twilight’s friends. Alas.

“Now, here on the other end, we have Gummy.”

“That’s a stupid name.” Gummy gave a petulant ‘baaah’ back at the unicorn, and she faltered. Crystal Star, if Twilight remembered correctly.

“The name isn’t important now, Crystal. What is important are the three traits I just discussed. Gummy here is what we consider an animal, but he doesn’t rank at the bottom of the spectrum, because to do so would be lacking in all three. Let’s look at each in turn.”

“Intelligence! Gummy here, unfortunately, isn’t all that bright. He can’t hold too much information in his head at any given time, it takes longer to calculate things out, and so forth. Intelligence is the power of the brain, the strength if you will.”

“Wisdom! Here, I daresay, Gummy has you all beat.” The ponies were taken aback by this. Some were shocked, while others were merely indignant at losing to an alligator in mental statistics. “Wisdom is the ability to comprehend and apply information. If Intelligence is the speed, Wisdom is the volume. Right now, Gummy is more than capable of discerning all sorts of things about you. He may lack the language or structures to articulate his knowledge, but it is in fact there.”

“Charisma! This is the will, the impetus. A pony’s ability to exert their mental faculties on the world is just as important as the power of their mind and the depth to which they can draw from. These three come together to form the mental attributes.”

Notes were jotted down, in various fashion. Sam simply wrote with fingers, though the rest used a carefully applied telekinesis. Shu looked over at Night Wing to see that he had a peculiar habit of dragging the pen by its tip with his brain, rather than the whole pen. Even so, it was his eyes that glowed when the telekinesis was applied, lacking the horn of the other ponies.

“Thus, Gummy as an animal has low Intelligence. We note that he is exceptional among his species in Wisdom, though this does not really preclude him towards sentience. He is of average Charisma, able to exert his will when he wishes, but generally accepting of the inputs that come towards him.”

Gummy wandered over to the other side of the table, because it was warmer. “So our primary sense of sentience is a creature that can have at least moderate attributes in all three of these. Since Gummy is lacking in the intelligence department, he fails our test to be a fully cognizant being. Very good, Gummy, you can go back in the box now.” Gummy did not want to go back in the box, but would tolerate it anyway. The eyes of the ponies would be removed from him, at least.

“Now, it is important to note that these traits don’t have to be similar across a species. There are other alligators, for example, who would not place so highly on the Wisdom test. This can cause issues, but I’d like to introduce our second guest before discussing them.” Twilight pulled out a scroll, on which Sam noted was a portal marking. She was warping someone in for class? How… precise.

Pink energy flowed as Twilight cast, and out came… a rabbit. Oh goodness, it was that one. Fluttershy’s, with the sense of entitlement and the keen eye. Rainbow Dash was terrified, but Sam gave a series of ‘shoosh’es and paps on the head to calm her nerves. The class was still under control.

“This is Angel Bunny. Normally we would associate rabbits with a similar fashion to Gummy, but here it is not the case." She posted up the Int/Wis/Cha rating of Angel, and he noted that there was a very nice artistic likeness. The ponies, meanwhile, were not convinced.

“Are you sure you got that right?”

Crystal had spoken out, a little confused. Here was a paper showing that Angel was top-notch in terms of Intelligence and Charisma, and with a moderate application of Wisdom to boot. Angel glared at her, and she melted in her seat. The bunny nodded, and clapped his hands. Ponies were so easy to train. You just had to get them early.

“Yes, I’m quite sure. Angel here is a being by every measure of the mind. Most rabbits aren’t, which can cause problems in regards to classification. At what point does a creature stop being an animal and become a being?”

“In the traditional sense, there was a measure of capability applied. Even if a creature had great intelligence above and beyond the norm for their species, most ponies viewed them in regards to what they could actually do. Angel here is the assistant at the Ponyville Animal Clinic, but he can’t actually tend to the other animals himself, and serves mainly to manage the affairs of business. Yes, Spirit?”

A unicorn colt was waggling a hoof in the air. “The traditional sense?”

“Yes. Modern magic is allowing for a revision of such ways of thinking. Two, in fact. Sam, Shu, could you come up here?”

Shu awkwardly did a little half-jog to get up to the front of the room. Pony buildings were far bigger than human ones! Sam, for his laziness, simply floated up out of his seat, and tumbled oddly through the air to the front of the class, eliciting a bit of amusement from the peanut gallery. Rainbow had clearly been teaching Sam some tricks where flight was involved, though the ability to do it without wingflaps to channel the energy was a talent of his alone. Having never gone to flight school, yet being possessed of a Travel magical focus, he was a prime star for Twilight’s attempts to get ponies to use magic in non-biological ways.

“The first is the idea of a crossover. If we’re talking in terms of ability, this moves horizontally. Shu here is a human, while Sam used to be. Shu thus would be the original, while Sam is the crossover.”

“What’s the term actually come from?”

“In a sense, the magical field in Equestria has its share of racial concepts, and when Earth’s field was developed, it grew some of its own from cultural traditions and mythology. That said, a crossover is simply taking one person, and translating them to the magical field of the other world. In Sam’s case, this was rather involuntary, but nowadays you have to do it intentionally.”

“Why is that?”

“Originally, Earth didn’t have a magical field, so when Sam was exposed to ours, it pushed the process on him naturally. Now that the people of Earth are acclimated to magic, there’s less of a vacuum, and people don’t just slide concepts simply because there are others out there that would fit them well. Thank you, you can sit down now.” Sam see-sawed through the air to the delight of the cheering urchins, while Shu simply goggled at the strange barrel-rolling lion.

“Now if a crossover is a horizontal movement, an uplift is a vertical one!” Twilight whipped out another poster, showing a diagram of Angel on the left, and O’Hare on the right. Angel, for his part, was insulted by the comparison. He was far better looking. “Here we have Angel, an Equestrian rabbit, and over here we have a pooka! This is an Earth concept, formed rather recently, and while the man in the picture is of a crossover, the process of moving from a rabbit up to a pooka would be an uplift. You take a gifted member of a species and transfer them along to another, similar species with abilities more apt for their gifts and graces.”

Rainbow Dash was nervous at this proposition. “You’re not going to be doing it here, are you?”

“What? Oh, no. Angel here still has a week left before we’ll actually have everything in order.” Oh dear. While she was safe for the moment, Rainbow now knew her days were numbered. Angel did too, as he smirked and made Godzilla poses towards the alicorn, as if to say “Rawr, I’m coming for you!”. Sam simply ‘shoosh’ed and papped the nervous princess back into a state of decency. They were not to die in their beds yet. Not this day.

“Alright, I think that’s a good lesson. Everypony, go get some lunch, and meet back here by the bell. We’ve got a quiz waiting for you!”

The herd panicked and fled. There was danger here, and they wanted none of it. Angel couldn’t care less, and simply hopped up into Gummy’s box to rest on top of the lizard. The portable throne was odd, yet comfortable. He would miss it.

Lesson 2: Pooka and Dragon Show

One Year Earlier…
Once the giddy sugar rush had worn off, John found himself trying to figure things out. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was supposed to feel like to become a pony, but it certainly wasn’t this. The entire procedure had felt like his body was being rotated around itself, like a tesseract of sorts. As his human body pulled inward, a pony body wrapped around him on the outside, squishing and prodding everything into position in a mildly ticklish fashion. The whole issue provoked a horrible surge of nervous tension that left his with a mild level of stir-crazy induced insanity.

It had been roughly 10 minutes before the guards managed to calm him down, and demand that he go back to his cell. It would not do to have unicorns running around an army facility, especially hardened criminal scum like John.

To be fair, he didn’t feel like such a rebel. He just wanted to help! Oh well, he got a prize out of it. He was still quite little even by pony standards, though this seemed to be more due to some sort of age reduction rather than any biology. Everything here was huge, though his legs were capable of propelling him dramatically around the place, with his tail wagging like a little dune-buggy flag behind him.

Hmm… these legs worked very well even without much practice, but… he wanted to try Everything. All the things. He’d gone running, but…

There was nothing for it. He would have to hop.

Oh goodness! That was… even as top heavy as he was, he easily regained balance at the lightest touch of the ground. And the force of the spring, it was easily sending him a body height above the ground! He hopped again, and a smile began infecting his face.

Outside the cell, a nameless night guard wandered up, wondering what all the tomfoolery was about. He stared with a dull glare of exasperation at seeing Little John Coltist bouncing about the detention block like Bambi of the Forest. “You gonna be doing that all night, major?”

“Yes!”

John stopped, blinked a few times, and realized where he was again. “I, um… I-I’ll be quiet.”

“Thank you.”

The present day…

“Are you sure this is okay, Twilight?” Spike was a bit nervous about empowering Angel so, as if this were to hand a loaded assault rifle to a perpetually petulant brat. Angel shot a dirty look though, and he was quiet.

“Of course! Fluttershy was very insistent, and Angel deserves to enjoy the benefits of modern magic.” This was very true. Fluttershy had been a bit worried about handing Angel such power, but in the end, she couldn’t withstand the cuddly prospects of having a bunny person around the cottage. It would be so adorable! “And unless you have another test subject to volunteer, Angel’s our prime candidate!”

“If you say so.” Spike did have to admit she had a point, but only because she had been making him file all the prospective Uplift Subject paperwork that was currently scattered around their Canterlot tower. In any case, only Owlowiscious met the criteria from creatures they knew, and there was no way Spike would let his rival get the upper hand in this battle. Not today.

He sighed, put on some blindfolds, and relaxed back in the chair as a horrible light show filled the apartment. He couldn’t understand how Twilight could bear to handle such glowy magic, but perhaps pony eyes were weird. It certainly blinded the heck out of him whenever he tried to watch. Thus, he would have to miss the image of Angel floating in mid air and raising his hands in a maniacal evil villain fashion, though the dragon surmised he wasn’t missing much.

“And done! How does it feel, Angel?” Spike took off his blindfold to see a humanoid bunny rabbit of similar size to himself, standing there. He looked much like Angel had before, except with thumbs, a more humanoid set of legs, and a general expression of delight and exuberance. Arms raised high, the pooka cackled maniacally!

…or he would have, but no noise came out. He stopped, poked his throat as if it were about to explode, then glared at no one in particular. This… this was unacceptable. He tapped his foot impatiently, looking at Twilight’s confused expression. Get to fixing this, pony! What do we pay you princesses for if not magical mystery cures?

“Well that’s odd. There should be muscle memory in that regard, and I made sure to not carry over the throat defect. Perhaps it didn’t take?”

Spike walked up, thinking deviously. “Well, there’s one way to find out. Yoink!” He pinched Angel very hard on the arm, but was forced to cover his ears as the pooka cried out in a mixture of a yell and a lapine squeak. When the cacophony ended, Spike grinned, pleased with himself. “That answers that! He can speak just fine.”

Twilight was lost in thought, and not paying much attention to Spike’s screams of terror as Angel chased him around the tower in a huff. “Then it’s a problem with the muscle memory… perhaps it didn’t take? Language might be different. Or perhaps it was a mental disorder in the first place.” Angel shot a look of disgust at the suggestion that he was insane, but quickly returned to charging after his prey, bounding over bookpiles and chairs with excessive grace.

“Maybe… he just doesn’t… know how to do it? Practice!” Spike’s suggestions were labored, in between breaths and leaps. There was a killer rabbit after him, and he did not want catching. He knew that even if he had the upper hand in a fight, Twilight would not forgive him for setting her test subject on fire. Evasion was necessary here.

“That would work. We shall just have to teach Angel properly.” Angel stopped at this suggestion, bounded over to the stack of paperwork, and waved a pamphlet in her face excitedly. It was the little brochure she had commissioned for Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Mages. She was no good at the artwork stuff, but these humans had such a wondrous talent for it. Photoshop! She would have to explore this wonderful tool further once she had a source of electricity in the tower to power a computer with. Celestia had gotten something of the sort to work with her horrible noise creator, but insisted that the power output was too small for a computer.

“Hey, you’ve got to be kidding. Why does Angel get to go to magic school?”

“Spike, cmon. I haven’t decided yet. It would be a good way to examine how it affects magical applications. Rabbits have a low output of mana compared to pooka, and I’m interested in…”

“That’s not the point!” Angel gave another glare at Spike. Did he want the chase to resume again? This was totally within Angel’s power, you know. “I asked you earlier about trying my hand at it, and you said you weren’t sure!”

“I’m not sure about Angel either.” Twilight pondered, then came to an idea. “Well, we’ll just have to see if you’re motivated enough.” The two quickly lined up in front of Twilight and nodded cheerfully. They could be motivated! Goodness yes! Magic was on the line.

Their motivation wavered when she tossed a textbook at each of them, easily 1500 pages thick. This thing was less a book, and more a stool to sit on. “Uh, pardon?”

“Pages 1-274.” She smiled as their jaws dropped. “By next week, if you could. That’ll get you all caught up with the rest of the class. You don’t want to be behind, do you? If you can do that, I’ll let you try out the classes.”

Spike sighed, but realized he wasn’t going to be able to wiggle out of this. In any case, it was better than no chance at all. “Do I get to wear a wizard hat?”

Twilight scoffed at this, as she walked over to the kitchen area. “Absolutely not. That’s just a horrible stereotype perpetuated about mages, and very out of date. We don’t go parading around in wizard hats in this day and age, no matter what tales Rarity might be deluding you with.”

Spike didn’t care whether it was a stereotype or not. He just wanted to wear a silly hat. Angel obliged him in this desire, placing a tea cozy on Spike’s head so that he could be a proper wizard. All was well, except for the homework.

One Week Later…

Rainbow was leaning back in her seat, twiddling her wings. Sam was quite amused to see such a thing, but he reminded himself that pegasus wings were weird. “So what’s that thing Twilight had you working on anyway?”

Sam looked down at the notebook he had brought in. Celestia Academy, Induction Class, AH 1272. Twilight had briefly claimed that AH was After Harmony, or some other such colorful name. It apparently corresponded to the forceful transfer of political control from Discord to the Celestian sisters, which would make it the official founding of New Equestria. No one used the word New anymore, because it was quite old at this point, but since people didn’t like to think about the Discordian times, this was perfectly fine to omit. In any case, he seemed to be far more amicable as a court jester than a despot.

He slid the book over to Rainbow, who flicked it open idly. “It’s a directory. Student profiles and so forth. She wanted a roster of her students, starting with our class, and since it’s easier for me to get at a printer than she can…”

“What’s a printer?”

“Loaded question, hun. Let’s just say it’s a lot better at writing out all these pages than I am.”

“So a printing press?”

“Times a billion levels of awesome, yes.” The profiles were rather barebones, but they seemed respectable. Sam was greatly amused by Twilight’s rankings for aptitude, noting that the students were rated much as an RPG character might be. Rainbow Dash quickly found her entry, and scoffed at the hexagon graph of her stats. Above average Strength, obscene Dexterity and Charisma, below average Wisdom and Intelligence, and absolutely pitiful Constitution. “Congratulations. You’re not an egghead.”

“Gee, thanks. Way to advertise to the class who’s bottom of the pack.”

“Well, you’re not dead last in intelligence. And besides, who else gets to have Princess of the Skies as their occupation?”

This was true, and Dash was pleased by it, along with the Alicorn racial designation. Height and weight were a bar approximation, as Twilight didn’t actually have their medical records. Birthplace was Cloudsdale, Equestria, and there was an age of 21. Sam was not sure how Equestrian years matched with Earth ones, given that the rulers of Equestria were active meddlers in their planet’s orbit. However, it seemed to match up reasonably well, and the exact level of variance would be a matter of academics. Magical talent was Skies, of course, and other notes pointed out that emergency Wonderbolt activity took priority over classwork, much as an emergency worker would have such permissions on Earth. One did not deny the Air Force the right to go dragon fighting. “So you went through everyone’s stats? Who’s a standout?”

“Me, of course!” Sam stuck out his tongue, and pointed at the bottom of the page. Sam Calisson, age 20! The picture was horrible, but ah well. Above average Strength and Intelligence, Average Charisma, Excessive Constitution and Wisdom, and Dexterity was in the crapper. Sam sighed as he looked over the Equestrian Ambassador to Earth occupation, and idly wondered if any pony would know where Ann Arbor, Earth was. Probably not. Magical talent was noted as Travel, though it lacked a cutie mark. Sam had suggested that this wasn’t the best thing to add, given that some students wouldn’t have one, but Twilight insisted. Ah well.

“That’s not very nice.” Rainbow was annoyed at the Other Notes section, where Twilight had added that Sam would be good at keeping Rainbow Dash on track with her homework.

“Well, it’s true, hun. Whatever happened to reading the textbook?”

“It’s boooooring. There’s no adventure there!”

“Don’t let Twi hear you saying that. She’ll adventure your face.”

Rainbow skimmed through a few more of the pages, taking note of some of the more active members of the class. Night Wing(Age 11, darkness talent) was noted as having traditional unicorn translocation magic, as if he weren’t really a thestral at all. Twilight had added a reminder to herself to investigate this further. Science!

Shu McDonavagh(Age 15, comprehension talent) was apparently from Liverpool in Great Britain, and had been chosen specifically because of his talent. It was much easier to take classes in Equestria if you could supernaturally read the language, something that was beyond most of the translation spells available to the ambassadorial staff. Sadly, he could only read the language, not write it, and so had to have an Equestrian dictionary with him when he worked. He could read that, and so figure out what the word was he was supposed to be writing. Sam, for his part, just presented homework orally. The two would have to merge their talents like Voltron to learn Equestrian writing properly, but it would not be this day.

There were a few others she spied. Crystal Star(Age 13, terramancy, specifically crystals) was super smart, but lacking in Wisdom. Spirit Walk(Age 8, astral projection) wielded Gummy levels of zen calmness about him, but had the constitution of a crumpled cheesecake. Twilight herself was at the front of the roster, and the two took great joy in poking fun at her. Top notch intelligence and charisma, average dexterity, low constitution and wisdom, and rock bottom strength. Princess of Magic and Professor of Magic were listed as titles, as well as a Magical Talent of Magic. They sensed a theme going on here, but didn’t want to nag too much. Wait. Yes they did. What else were they good for?

Sam’s eyes opened a little as he saw Rainbow going towards the back of the book. “You probably don’t wanna see those.”

“What? Why not? Are they not done?”

“Well, it’s not that, it’s just…” Too late. Rainbow’s mouth had fallen open in despair as she opened it to the last page, and the two newest members of the class.

“Class! I have an announcement for you!” Twilight had arrived, and was bouncing eagerly. “We have two new students joining us today. They’ve worked very hard to catch up to where we are right now, so I’d like you to welcome them as you would any other pony!”

Sam ‘shoosh’ed and papped Rainbow calmly while he looked over the profiles, having gotten used to her terrible nerves. Angel Bunny was first, proudly declaring himself to be a 7 year old Pooka(uplift) from Ponyville, Equestria. The mental stats were nothing new, though the pitiful strength and average dexterity/constitution were certainly an upgrade, even if they were still rather unimposing. There was only so much a 3.5 foot tall bunny person could achieve in physical prowess. Occupation had Assistant, Ponyville Animal Clinic(on hiatus), which was better than most of the other unemployed bums in the class. Magical talent was… self-transmutation? Oh dear, that sounded cthulian. The notes pointed out that this was prime evidence that the first large use of magic on somepony helped shape their magical talents later, even if it wasn’t a guaranteed definition(see: Sam and dimensional travel).

Spike's picture was adorable, Sam had to admit. He had done his best for the camera, and Rarity had been just elated at the prospect of giving him a little wizard’s hat, even if he knew Twilight would never let him wear it to class. Average strength, low dexterity, obscene constitution, average intelligence, above average wisdom and charisma. Not a bad spread for what appeared to be a tiny dragon. Sam recalled the little secretary from his visits to Twilight’s tower, but didn’t know that he was to be enrolled until he had gotten the assignment to fill out the roster. This was sudden, though he suspected that it was a recent decision for Twilight as well. Occupation of Secretary to Princess of Magic, birthplace Canterlot, Equestria, age 13. Magical talent of pyromancy, with a sub talent of discorporative message travel? These were large words, and Sam would have to look them up to be entirely sure, but it sounded like he Spike was some sort of living email machine. That would be super cool, though he wondered how such a talent would even work.

Turning his eyes back to the front, he saw the two little urchins vying for attention. Angel was wearing a comfortable little hoodie and an expression of “You’ll never be safe!”, while Spike was trying to look a bit taller than the pooka. This didn’t work very well, as they were both roughly the same size, and still smaller than Twilight. Ah well. Spike would one day be the size of the room in centuries to come, but patience was not a very enjoyable past time.

“In any case, Angel and Spike here have done their homework, so I hope you have too.”

“Wait. Angel? That Angel?!” Crystal was aghast. This was not the cute bunny rabbit that had accosted her last week. It could not be.

“Indeed! Since you’ve got us on topic, we’ll start today with a followup on your questions about the Uplift process, since as you can see, it is by an large a great success!” Angel waved and smiled for his cheering fans. Victory was his, and no pony would stand in his way.

Rainbow shuddered in her seat, as Sam sighed. “There there. If things go wrong, you’ll just have to save the world. Wouldn’t that be a blast?”

Her terror was absolute. “No! I’m bad at saving the world! And now I’m going to fail at saving it from Fluttershy’s pet bunny rabbit… everypony will be laughing at me!” Angel, taking his seat in front of Rainbow Dash, nodded and approved. Rainbow understood the situation very well, it seemed. No need for longwinded explanations, then.

Twilight rolled her eyes at the scene. “Well then, you’ll just have to put in more effort on your schoolwork, won’t you Rainbow Dash? We’re all counting on you!” The evil grins exchanged amongst everypony but Rainbow made it clear they knew that they would never live this down.

Chapter 1: Statuary

The statuary was always the first to go in the revolution. Perhaps that was why the little princess had been so irate. For his part, he never could figure out the little ones. They had reasons, and thoughts about things that were just so… limiting.

“Change the statues back now! Why are you doing this?” The voice was one Twilight Sparkle, princess of magic, and currently lacking in any of the demure attitudes one would expect of her station. This was not entirely unexpected: Discord did seem to bring out such aggravation in his admirers.

“Redecorating, of course! Come now, some of these are almost as old as I am, and there’s simply no variety in the castle. You need to liven things up!” Indeed, the statue garden was now a delightfully ‘lively’ place, although the various statues of chimera dancing in awkward poses were rather… lacking in regality.

“They’re not your statues. When the princess hears about this-!” Ah yes. Her. Well, there was no need to escalate things like that. It was just a bit of housekeeping!

“Well that’s why I’m doing it now! While she’s away for… diplomacy.” A horrible word, and a very good thing Celestia insisted on doing all of it herself. He’d never catch himself dead trying to reason with other cultures and creatures. Such was far too boring. “And in any case, it’s not fair to bring the larger pieces onto the board. You have to deal with things alike. My champion to yours.”

“I… what.”

“Oh yes, see?” A chessboard had appeared from some vacant hole in reality, with a few ornate if scandalously decorated pieces upon it. “Celestia’s dear champion seeks to stop me from modernizing the scenery, so it’s only fair we keep things at that level. No need to move up to the real players.”

“Discord!” Yes, the chimera was powerful, but he was also being a jerk, and needed a few proper magic lessons. Lesson number one would certainly be the staple of arcane theory, the magic missile. Take energy A at Alicorn Twilight and connect it to energy B at Draconequis Discord, and let the two collide together in a manner resembling a sticky hand snapping a child in the face. With explosions added, of course.

For his part, he eyed the glowing horn with dejection. “Violence so soon. How droll. Very well! Behold MY little pony… a vicious carnivorous alien creature from a wartorn world…” Goodness. Magic did rely on constructs and ideas, but this was something quite unacceptable. You can’t just create an object from outside the magical stratum, much less a monster.

Ah yes. This was Discord, though. He had never been one to play by the rules, even so far as reality was concerned. Perhaps scientific study would not help much here. A first strike, moreover, would suffice.

The two clashed, as Discord drew his champion from the ether, and Twilight sent forth a furious blast of purple mana… only to impact the body of a small human who was mildly confused as to why he was being shot at on this given morning. Discord watched, looking back over his shoulder as the limp form went hurtling across the statue garden, clearly in no state to ‘champion’ anything.

“Well. That wasn’t quite the intent.” Discord, for his part, had expected more tentacles.

He grumbled. The alicorn was advancing, and clearly in no mood for a repeat. “Fine! Fine. I shall change the statues back before Tia returns, little pony. Do try to enjoy them, you silly philistine.” Another blast of magic, but the chimera was gone.

“…why does the princess keep him around in the first place? It’s like trying to herd cattle. Chaotic, effusive anomalic cattle, of a draconic breed.” Twilight stopped her musing upon remembering the casualty of their fight. “Oh! Oh dear.”

It wasn’t very pretty, though she supposed it might not have been to begin with. A mammal, for sure, with minimal brown hair, though finely dressed in a fashion for much colder weather than was currently airing through Canterlot. The blood was a problem too, though she supposed that was her fault. It wasn’t deep, as the attack was meant to whelm the target, not explode them. Still, the force of the hit, combined with the continued impact of the ground and gravity had done a fair number on the creature.

At the very least, the blow had knocked it out. It was very awkward, asking permission to levitate someone, though sleeping bodies did not complain about their means of transport. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you right up to the hospital, and AAAAHHH!”
As Twilight had picked the human up, he began to spastically twitch and jerk, as if having a seizure. Dropping him clearly didn’t help matters, but nerves were not the princess’ strong point. “Oh no, oh no, what is this… did it get hurt deeper in the fight? Oh…”

“This can’t end well.”

Sam was never one for unfamiliar ceilings. There was something comforting about being able to look up and note that yes, in fact, your bed was still your bed, and had not been swapped in the middle of the night by some devious prankster. In this case, he had been eagerly devouring lunch when the accident happened rather than sleeping, but the principle was still the same. This was not his ceiling, and thus not his bed. Someone would have to be punished severely for this, preferably in an embarrassing manner.

“Oh, you ARE awake. Good, I was beginning to worry.” The girl’s voice came from his right, but he was far too wrapped in the blankets to get a proper view. She didn’t sound like she was to eat him, though, which was good. Sometimes people did that in dreams, and it was good to figure this out ahead of time.

“Um… why am I… wherever I am?” A hospital, perhaps, but he was used to them having the silly foam tiles for the ceiling, not well-carved limestone. Sitting up a bit, the rest of the warmly sunlit room did no favors for normality: no medical equipment could be seen in sight, though there were odd onyx obelisks situated around the bed, with a few ornate line drawings in what appeared to be a magic circle. He was fenced in by modern art, as if this was to help his mood.

“Well… that is a good question, actually. But, we can wait on that, I think. How do you feel?”

“Like a steamroller hit me.”

“…I assume that’s painful?”

“You have no idea.” Oh dear. Sam was not sure he wished to entrust his care to someone who didn’t understand the magnitude of pain a steamroller could inflict. This seemed like something a nurse should know, at least in theory. Much confirming the sense that nothing was right was the fact that upon closer examination, there was in fact, no nurse in the room, but rather a purple equine staring rather confusedly at him. “Do I even want to know?”

“Know what?” Yep. The horse was talking. At least now he knew reality was no longer on speaking terms with him. It was always good to know where you stood in such matters.

“I’m… not entirely used to talking horses, is all.”

“Ponies.”

“What?”

“Well, the technical term is a unicorn pony. Horses are bigger, and don’t tend to live in this area.”

“Right.” Oddly enough, that was the least of his concerns.

“And what might you be?” Spoken as one might address a costumed youth on Nightmare Night, though Twilight had seen enough of his injuries to know it wasn’t exactly a costume. Aliens! Her excitement had been mildly dulled by the fact he refused to stop his nap just because she was curious, though now it was starting to creep back into her actions. So many questions. Questions that would be probing and impolite to someone cooped up in a hospital bed, but politeness would just have to deal. This was a matter of Science.

“A human, last I checked. That’s still right, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, everything else has gone pear-shaped, so I might as well assume that any questions will be related to something gone wrong.”

“Well, we haven’t figured out whether it’s wrong or not yet. We’ve had to… deal with a few things in that regard.”

“Come again?”

“Well, you’ve been having serious reactions to any and all kinds of magic. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, as it’s not anything I’ve seen in any local races. How did you survive until now?”

“Magic.”

“Yes. Did I say something wrong?”

“Well…” He pondered missing Kansas, but Sam had never actually been there, and didn’t really have too much of a desire to find out what it was like. He hadn’t heard interesting tales, regardless of cultural reference. “Magic isn’t really a thing where I come from. Like, at all. You’re saying there’s magic here? Wherever here is.”

“Of course! How could you not…? That’s just… wow. I guess that could make sense.”

“What would?” Sense was good. He missed it so.

“Well, half of the idea of magic is that of concepts. Hot, cold, things like that. You can put ‘hot’ into somepony and make them heat up, or catch fire if you do it enough.” The mental image of burning horses was odd, but he squashed it for the sake of the talking equine’s theory. “But, if you’re from somewhere that doesn’t have magic, you don’t really have a concept associated with you. Magic doesn’t know what a ‘human’ is.”

“And it doesn’t like that.”

“Well, any attempt to use magic around you caused bad reactions on your body, so clearly it’s not taking the link well. Magic doesn’t know what you are, so it’s trying to make do with something similar. The closest equivalent in our world, as it were.”

“Please tell me I’m not about to spontaneously become a pony.”

“No, any data we got on bits of you that had normalized weren’t consistent with pony magical fields. That said, we’ve had to do some quick research on setting up an area without natural magic. After the speech spell, we put that up pronto.”

“Speech spell?” He supposed it did make some sort of sense. If this… pony was from another world, there’s no reason it would be speaking his language. But… “Wouldn’t that be blocked by this… area?”

“That was the problem, but we found a good way. This thing…” She gestured at a small emerald amulet around her neck, by way of an excessively flexible forelimb. “…can take a copy of somepony’s vocabulary, and let it be used in conversation. It’s really meant to be on the odd pony out, but since it doesn’t work inside the field, we had to improvise. It’s mainly why I’m staying over here, because we can’t actually talk inside the field.”

“Still, handy that.” He sighed, and lay back on the bed. “So, I don’t suppose you know why I’m here? Or why I feel so awful?”

“Well, um…” Twilight’s voice got nervous, tense even. “The injuries aren’t important, just a few bumps and scrapes from when you arrived.” Now was not the time to admit shooting an alien visitor, even on accident. It was sure to put a damper on the relationship, which would end the questioning. Science was on the line, and Twilight would take no chances.

“And the other part?” Darn. Not off the hook yet.

“Bad summoning spell. As best I can tell, anyway. To be fair, I can’t imagine summoning somepony from another world, much less one without magic. It makes little to no sense, but the… person involved isn’t much one for following rules. A rather delinquent chimera, with a penchant for causing trouble. I believe the proper terms of the spell were for… ’a vicious carnivorous alien creature from a wartorn world’. Or something like that. Somehow that snagged you.”

“…he’s not going to do anything worse, is he?”

“I am told on good faith that he has been put in The Box.”

"Do I want to know?" Sam was all for putting chaos elementals in boxes, but was unsure what this would actually entail. He pictured a chimera sitting happily in a cardboard box, drinking a martini. This was, oddly enough, not far from the truth, though Discord’s preference for wine over martinis was not entirely relevant.

“I have heard that Fluttershy is keeping him there, wherever there is, and he is not allowed to leave until his behavior improves.” This did not seem like the proper name for a warden, but Sam raised no objection. Stranger things had happened, and were still happening. This was not worthy of argument in comparison to the rest. “In any case, he shouldn’t be causing any more mischief until we get things sorted out. Which means he’ll start up again just as soon as we do, just to make things worse.”

“That is how things work, isn’t it.”

“Always. In any case, you are currently in the hospital wing of the Canterlot palace, and should be reasonably fine as long as the anti-magic holds.”

“Which it won’t.” Sam was, if nothing else, a fast learner.

“Magic doesn’t like being told no. We’ve got a few days at least, to figure out what we can do about this. Worst comes to worse, we can always try to ease the normalization process, and work on changing you back later when we have more time to research.”

“You’ll understand if I’m not entirely keen on that being our first option?”

“Yes, quite. Not everypony wants to be a tree, after all.” There was some sort of in-joke here, but he was not privy to it. Still, the horse- sorry, pony, seemed reasonably convinced that he would still be ambulatory, and not in fact sprout apples from his head. An improvement over the worst case, if only a minor one. “In any case, get some rest. You do still need to heal up, the nurse says. Do you have a name?”

“Sam.”

“Sam. I’m Twilight Sparkle.” They both thought these names were odd, but did not say too much. The nomenclature of alternate realities was not something they expected to be similar, in light of the already odd differences between the two. At the very least, they could pronounce each other’s names, which was better than some people they had met.

“Well, I do need to be going. Enjoy your vacation, I guess?”

“I’ll try.” He’d much rather be skiing, but Sam reminded himself that such an activity would end him up in a hospital anyway. He was rubbish at skiing, even if he preferred it to being abducted by alien ponies.

The door closed behind Twilight, and Sam was left alone with his confused thoughts.

Sam had forgotten his hat. This worried him, but not as much as he felt it should, which only served to worry him more. Such was often the case when hats were concerned.

“You’ll never see it again!”

Above him, a noodle art-deco impression of a chimera sat holding a cap labeled HOME, which was clearly some sort of baseball reference. “Why not?”

“It’s mine now! Besides, you’re a monster!”

Sam was indeed a monster, though he was not entirely sure why this was the case. He didn’t remember putting on his monster outfit this morning. Did he miss a memo? Casual days at work were so confusing. He struggled to pull the “Hi, I’m a Monster” tag off of his chest, but it only served to create a vast, gaping hole, out of which many blood-colored ponies came galloping forth.

He awoke with a start, yelling something about “Never again!”, then promptly fell back into the covers and forgot all about it.

“Are you awake?” Twilight’s voice rang out again. She hadn’t been around since yesterday, or what the nurse claimed was yesterday. Time had that habit of woozing by as far as hospitals were concerned.

“Should I be?”

“Well, yes and no. We’ll work on that, though the particulars will be up to Princess Luna.” Indeed, there did seem to be a newcomer here. A deep blue unicorn, winged like Twilight. He wasn’t entirely sure as to the meaning of the wings, for they weren’t apparent on any of the nurses.

“I didn’t realize I merited royalty. To what do I owe the honor?”

Twilight wiggled a bit on some irony lost to Sam. “Well, technically I’m a princess too. Sorta. It’s more of a title in my case. Luna here, however, is the Princess of the Night, which makes her well equipped to handle the procedure.”

The one known as Luna nodded her head. “Charmed.” It was a much deeper, more regal voice. Sam did not need any notice from Twilight that this was somepony of importance.

“So you will be putting me to sleep, then?”

“Not in a direct manner,” Luna offered. “That would likely interfere with the normalization process. Still, we suspect it might be uncomfortable, so keeping your mind distracted, dreamlike if you will, should aid in the overall process.”

Twilight moved towards the obelisks. “So, if you don’t mind, we’ll get started on this. It’ll be… odd. I think. But it’ll give us a lot more time to work on undoing the change later.”

“Go for it.” Sam was not all that ready to be a monster, or a pony, or a pony monster, but clearly this was better than whatever they were afraid would happen otherwise. He found himself struck with a feeling of floating off gently into the clouds, though he could still see the ceiling above him, and hear the rustle of the wind coming off the magical emanations of the two princesses.

Twilight’s voice echoed over the floaty feelings. “Just keep talking, it’ll help tide things over.” Sam understood this principle from far too many injections in his time, though he wasn’t sure how directly it applied to magical mutations.

“So… Princess of the Night. What exactly does that entail?”

“Among running the affairs of state, I work to raise the moon to usher in the night.” Luna mentioned this matter-of-factly, as if this was a sort of thing that everyone did once in a while.

“What? But… how does that even work? Does your planet just not rotate normally?”

“Its orbit is erratic, and we’ve found that it’s far easier to ensure constant seasons by aligning it with the celestial bodies at regular intervals. The process is very similar in appearance to ‘raising’ the moon and sun, and so this makes a convenient moniker for ponies not versed in astronomy.”

“I… see.” This was a little more plausible, but Sam still had mental shivers from being in the same room as some pony thing that casually spoke of aligning the moon every night.

“It is preferable to the alternative. The results can be…destructive if modified otherwise.” Another in-reference, though this one did not seem to be as joking. Sam decided not to probe further about the thought of the sun being left constantly overhead or some such. It was probably a sore spot in their history. There was a feeling of the world righting itself, and Twilight and Luna’s voices began to arrive from closer to home.

“Well, things seem to have settled. Is everything… in the right place?” Twilight’s bedside manner left something to be desired, but she probably didn’t do this often.

Still, things clearly weren’t in the right place. Everything had moved around, even the things that hadn’t been there before. The human had given way to what appeared to be a winged lion of sorts, wearing tan fur in place of the usual bare skin, though with Sam’s head hair and the end of the tail remaining the same sort of dull brown that was to be expected. The gaping chest wound was gone, which was clearly an improvement, though the replacement fur and lumps wasn’t exactly the preferred body part of choice. She was rather annoyed that the pronoun of the moment was correct, though not as much as she thought it should annoy her. It was another grievance in a long list, and she would feel cheated if the world had skipped one or two changes for the sake of streamlining things.

The body, at least, seemed to know its way around, despite the three extra limbs. Sam gingerly got off of the bed and into a ‘standing posture’, though it was far lower than she liked. Her body was longer than it used to be, and was certainly larger than the ponies in that regard, though they were still taller at the shoulder than her, due to their longer limbs. She pondered for a moment if she was wearing some other lion’s body, and that someone would be yelling at her in the coming days to ‘give back her face’, derpy and confused though it might be.

Twilight was the first to break the mood, blushing slightly at the more awkward parts of the change. “A sphinx… I don’t think I’ve ever seen one in Equestria before.”

“They used to be more common before your time. Still, presuming common traits of a foreign carnivorous traveling mammal with a penchant for intellectual discourse, it would be the easiest type to work with. Similar body size and disposition.”

“Huh. I suppose we have sphinxes in folklore, though they’re less lion-like. Part lion, part eagle, part human.” Sam’s voice was smoother, but more guttural. It was similar to how she imagined a cat might talk, if it were disposed to speak of more things than “Feed me, worthless mortal” and “How did I get up here?”

“While ours are simply half lion, half pegasus,” noted Luna. “As we have no humans in our world, there would have to be a variation, even if the term existed in both.” She stepped back, and began to dismantle the anti-magic modern art. “It is not disagreeable?”

“Peculiar, I think the word is. Things are dangling off me where they should not.” More blushing from Twilight, before she got that Sam was talking about wings. Luna did not seem bothered, either due to a sense of regal calmness, or just a lack of interest in the particulars of various species’ boinking rituals. “This isn’t too permanent, is it?”

Twilight paced in a circle, pondering the finer points of undiscovered magic. “Well, it’s permanent in the sense that it won’t change until we change it, but we should be able to work on a way to deal with it. We just need to construct the magical concepts of a human, and a spell to re-initiate the change. Which… I’ve never done either. And we’ve lost our only reference for a human. Still, one step at a time! Science demands victory.” She envisioned a heroic pose upon stating this travesty of a motto, as if bold colors were brilliantly flying in front of an unseen camera. If such an effect was real, it wasn’t obvious to Sam, and only served to make Twilight look rather immature. Excitable scientists seemed to be this way in fiction, so at least she was in good company, even if they would scoff at Twilight’s magical field of study. “So, shall we take a walk outside?”

Luna bid herself leave with little fanfare. “You know where I shall be if you need me, Twilight.”

“Oh! Of course, princess.” The sphinx and the alicorn were left alone in the ward, and not wanting to indulge the remains of the modern art any more than they already had been, they left to explore the outdoors of Canterlot.

Chapter 3: Godzilla

“Why would you do something like that?” Twilight’s angry voice was a common feature these days, but the guards assumed that there was good reason behind it. In any case, it was none of their business until it was their business, and so the armistice continued.

“I promised, did I not? I’d change everything back before Celestia arrived. There’s no reason to be mad at me for being thorough.” Discord was currently pruning his fingernails with garden clippers, for he found he liked the sharp edges they created. Practicality in all things made for a much easier lifestyle.

“She had been normalized! Equestrianized!” This was a new word, though the dictionary writers would throw a fit if she tried to make it a running thing. “You can’t just send someone like that back home!”

The conversation was interrupted by the double doors of the hallway opening, and a white alicorn walking in. She spoke regally, though with a hint of ‘this can’t end well’ in her face, as the chimera floated her way. “Ah! Princess Celestia. I trust your trip was… bountiful?”

“Only good children get souvenirs, Discord. Does that include you?” Oh but of course! Discord had already prepared the week’s entertainment, and the princess didn’t even need to ask!

Sam had not actually fallen asleep by the time she hit the ground, but she saw no reason to correct the soldiers in their mistake. Already she had learned to dislike the idea of darts in her neck, and a course of action to avoid similar greetings seemed to be rather wise. In any case, she felt quite well staying still, and the drugs made her feel utterly awful when she tried to move, so taking a quick break from the hustle and bustle of current affairs was not in all a bad thing.

Besides, the soldiers did not seem to want to harm her. They had an alien in their grasp, and now was not the time to panic! Sam knew all about what was coming next: this was the part of the movie where the monster was thrown into a tiny cage… and had needles shoved up her butt… and…

Huh. Maybe getting caught wasn’t the best idea.

The ride, at least, was uneventful. They kept her tightly tied to a gurney of sorts, which wasn’t all that pleasing given the magnitude of speed bumps between them and their destination. In any case, her dreams involved great deals of flying haphazardly, crashing into things, and the general sorts of bizarre gravity antics that came with sleeping in a moving vehicle. Physics made for odd dreams indeed.

Sam was pleasantly surprised to find that when she awoke, the tiny cage was nowhere in sight. She had been thrown in a large metal room, that reminded her of something out of a police procedural. Surely voyeurs were watching every little move she made, as if this was a hot new reality show that she was forced to model in. Still, she was tired, and cranky, and they hadn’t bothered to remove the dart from her neck, as if they had better things to do. Presidents to call, book deals to set up, and so forth. The speech necklace was gone, though she didn’t mind too much. There was little need to talk to ponies here, or at the very least, the ponies were invisible, and simply playing a practical joke on her. It was not out of the question, given recent events.

It was in such a state that she was pleased to find visitors entering her viewing room. Two soldiers, complete with shaky assault rifles, and someone who looked vaguely important. Sam was not sure about the specifics of military uniforms, but there were enough shiny parts on his that there must have been some merit to his station.

Colonel O’Hare was a beleaguered human; not old in most of the usual fashions, though you wouldn’t know it by listening to him. He had long since learned that the meaning of life was in herding deranged lunatics so as to be insane in a productive fashion. This was his job, and he was frighteningly good at it, though he would prefer not to have to be.

He stared at the sphinx, with an air of muted excitement. It had taken 20 years, but finally someone had bothered to give him something interesting to look at. This was clearly a mistake, and the chance would be taken away as soon as human resources noticed, but he would be sure to make the most of his time. Sam, for her part, was having none of it. “Do you mind?”

The soldiers panicked. The monster had upgraded to an intelligent monster, and they knew what happened to rank-and-file soldiers in these sorts of movies. In any case, they only had to outrun their commanding officer, and Hollywood had prepared them well for this exercise. Alas, such was not to be.

“I locked the door behind us, you shit-for-brains. Whatever happened to being ‘the best of the best, sir’?” Humiliated, and realizing more was to come around the mess hall that night, the soldiers returned to their charge. “Now, to what do I owe the honor?”

Sam gave him a look, as a child might stare longingly at a toy he is not allowed to have. “If this is an honor, then you have frighteningly low expectations, sir.” She sighed, and plopped down on the ground. It was cold, and she quickly regretted this mistake, but tried to act more dignified than she was actually capable of. “It’s been a long week.”

The colonel left some time later, both to pretend to write a report, and to try to recall where he had hidden the better half of his liquor supply. The mythical creature was not an alien, but rather the victim of a rather immature one, who was supposed to be able to come back to pick her up at any given time. He did not intend to tell anyone of this, because that would just be worrying. In fact, he had not gotten around to telling himself this, to which Sam might have been considered to be rubbing off on those around her. He would tell his Whiskey first. It had always been there for him, even if it was an abusive relationship.

He briefly pondered following the eating habits of the sphinx, for she had declared a dire need for pizza and beer, in lieu of eating one of the cowardly soldiers. Alcohol was not allowed on the base unless you were of sufficient rank to have plausible deniability. Colonel O’Hare enjoyed being such a figure, but even he could not share with his test subjects without arousing suspicion. Such were the unspoken rules and regulations of modern military bureaucracy.

A day passed, and still the colonel had not returned to ascertain the finer points of questions such as “are we all to die in our beds”, and “who names their kid Discord?”. Sam was starting to get bored, and while the pizza was good, it had long since gone cold.

It was at this moment that the air erupted in violent sparks, threatening to set anything flammable ablaze. The room would not mind, but Sam had recently increased in this category, and thus was sorely afraid. The appearance of a purple pony out of the magical storm did not alleviate these fears, only shifting them to different, more worrying questions.

“Ah! There you are, Sam. We got worried when you suddenly disappeared on us.” Twilight was wearing multiple different necklaces on her, presumably each for some sort of mysterious effect. The only recognizable one was the same shape and sigil as the speech necklace, though with a red gem instead of green(as if the color was of vital importance). Another was a plain gold scarab, and the last was glowing red and green like Christmas, though Twilight at least did not seem to think it explosive.

“Twilight, I really don’t think this is the best time.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” She started to ponder the situation, but was quickly distracted by the scenery. “Oh wow! Look at this metalwork! This is, just… how long would it take to make something like this?”

“Twilight.”

“There aren’t even anvil marks, and it’s perfectly flat. This is like a mirror!”

“Twilight!”

“Huh? Oh, yes, what were you saying? Sorry, I kinda…” The princess’ explanations were cut short by the steel wall sliding open with several loud thunks. Multiple reinforcement bars fell out of the way as a group of four or five guards charged in, pointing their guns at them.

“Oh! Hello there.”

The guards, for their part, were not impressed with this friendliness. “Oh god, they’re multiplying!”

“This one’s a horse!”

“What do we do?”

Twilight looked confused. These men were not here to greet them, and were quite terrified of her. Never in her life had people managed to be terrified of her, especially when they were almost twice her size. It was a new one, and she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to feel proud of it. Lacking a reasonable response from anyone nearby, Sam would have to intervene.

“CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?!”

They all stopped and stared at the sphinx. Sam thought of taking the leftover pizza and shoving it at everyone, to reinforce this demand for kind deliberation. However, it was quite cold, and partially stale, and so diplomacy would have to be carried out on an empty stomach.

Bootsteps came from down the hall, accompanied by a mildly hung over O’Hare. “No no, don’t stop now. This is just getting good.” He stopped, stared at the situation, and not entirely sure why everyone was terrified of a purple pony, cast a look that demanded that everyone present reconsider their station in life. “Put those down, men. If there was a reason to start shooting, it would be very obvious. Do you see Godzilla anywhere?”

They had to admit they did not, but given the sudden appearance of this new arrival, it was not entirely out of the question. Sam, meanwhile, had learned from her previous lesson about unintended poses, and so kept her paws right where they were, rather than use the situation to make a “Rawr, Godzilla!” joke.

The guards proved to be very unruly children, and so were told to go find something more productive to do. If Twilight was to secretly be a xenomorph and tear O’Hare limb from limb, then it would be his fault and they could all have a good laugh about it later. Having ascertained that she was neither a facehugger nor this supposed Discord jokester, they got down to more pleasing business.

“And the culprit is unlikely to cause any more trouble?”

“As best we can manage. Keeping someone like that entertained is a difficult prospect, but we assured him that you were all very boring.”

“That would probably be for the best. You can understand if we’d like to have more… productive talks.” Intra-dimensional warfare, while great fun for the kiddies and merchandisers, was not a keen prospect for such an armchair colonel as O’Hare. Regardless, he was unprepared for Twilight’s enthusiasm.

“Oh yes. Yes! There’s so much we can learn from each other. I was a little confused when Sam started saying you didn’t have magic, but the technology to compensate!” She had started to float in the air slightly, and Sam calmly placed a paw on her head and forced it downward.

O’Hare pondered. “Is that necessarily a problem?” Neither side wanted to be primitive, though they each were in their own special way.

“Well looking at it in person… how to describe… it’s not like you CAN’T do magic, it’s more that nothing’s really connected.” Now the colonel was the one getting giddy. Christmas had come early, and was threatening to give even more presents to make him shut up about it. “It’s like a spider web. You have spiders, right?”

“Unfortunately.” He’d never liked the buggers. Too many legs, and no sense of personal space.

“Well! Spiderwebs. The silk itself isn’t all that interesting just lying around. But when you tie it between things, and start connecting them, you get a web that you can use. Magic is much the same way.”

“And you’re saying that the silk, the energy is there, but it’s not doing anything.”

“Right! We’d just need to build magical connections between people and things, and they’d be able to use magic to further the process, and so forth!” Already the epidemiology formulae were bouncing through her head, as if magic were akin to the common cold. Now O’Hare was sure of himself. Christmas had not come early. Rather, it had graciously invited him into its home, told him that he would get to be Santa, and was in charge of deciding just how much holiday cheer Earth would be having this year.

It was to be a good year, god dammit, and no one was gonna stop him.