The One and Only Thing That I Cannot Give to You
The One and Only Thing That I Cannot Give to You
As written by Joseph Raszagal
Because love is both the kindest and cruelest mistress alive, showing to us both the highest peaks and the deepest, darkest valleys
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Much like Gilda's backstory in “A Sense of Belonging...”, this one is another very, very brief look at some of the things that happened after the events of “A Mad Dash Through Time and Space”. There were once two mares who never quite saw eye-to-eye, but one of them had a secret. A big secret. As usual, I'd recommend reading the latter of the two aforementioned stories for some insight into it, but hey, read whatever you like whenever you like. It's your life, don't take orders from some guy writing fanfiction on the internet!
~ ~ ~
[“Eyes of blue
Coat of white
Will you join me,
And dance with me tonight?
Will you take my hoof,
Though scuffed and worn?
Can you accept this dirty worker,
With fetlocks unshorn?
Could you call me your own,
So that I might call you mine?
Every day that I live
I live to see you shine
I've been afraid for so long
But if my Element is true
Then I think that it's time
For me to finally be honest with you
I love you, Rarity”](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1sadZktyos)
- “No More Lies” by Applejack
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We had been through a lot, that silly apple farmer and I. Fought side by side with the rest of the girls against all manner of ne'er-do-wells seeking to take our homes and livelihoods for themselves. We prevented nighttime eternal, stopped chaos in its tracks, and even helped rescue a kingdom that had been stolen away by a mad king of darkness for one thousand years.
And yet somehow... all the while, I never knew. I hadn't even seen the signs, not a single one. To think that I've always prided myself on noticing all the little details, the smallest stitch out of place. Only now do I know how very wrong I was. There it stood, right in front of me, and still I was as blind as a bat. Perhaps I should have given her more credit, how well she had hidden herself from me. From everypony, really. I don't even think Pinkie Pie knew.
One day, out of the blue, she just showed up at my boutique, still covered in bloody bandages from the aftermath of Raszagal's attack and Rainbow Dash's harrowing journey. She looked weary, but more than that, she looked determined. There was a fire in her eyes that I couldn't place, not until she confessed herself to me that is.
To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. Applejack, the pony that I had spent nearly more time butting heads with than I did working on my dresses, she truly held such feelings for me? She... she loved me? At first I laughed it off, figuring it to be some sort of joke, a prank that she and Rainbow had concocted. At the time, it seemed like something that they might do.
But those eyes. Those emerald green eyes. They way they shimmered. I had never seen such a look about her.
Those eyes spoke with a sincerity that words alone could never hope to convey.
She loved me. And I... I...
How was I supposed to tell her, to turn her away? My mind screamed for me to just break off into a gallop as fast as my legs could carry me, far enough away so that the words would never have to come.
But no, they did have to.
A lady does not lead another on. To do such a thing would only bring about an even greater ache.
It was the single hardest thing that I have ever had to do. As said, I have borne witness to monsters and tyrants, evils bent on the destruction of all pony life. I have stood my ground before creatures that could very well have broken me and left me in shattered pieces to die.
But this... and to a dear friend no less.
She must have seen my response coming as she stared back into my own eyes, silently pleading with everything that she had. The expression etched across her face looked so far from the Applejack that I knew. She looked frail and scared, nothing like the stubborn and bull-headed mare that I'd seen calm raging stampedes with only a length of rope.
Weakness just wasn't something I had ever expected to see in her. Not like this.
I was that weakness.
...
I debated fleeing once more, towards the sunset and beyond, but I knew that I couldn't. This was something that had to be done. Pulling together what little courage I could muster, I placed a hoof upon her shoulder and shook my head.
I told her, as gently as I could, that I simply wasn't interested in mares, but no matter how kind I tried to word my rejection, every syllable felt bitter and foul as they left my mouth. She'd come to me, still battered and bruised, and here I was hurting her far more than any physical injury ever could.
The dagger was in my hooves and against my will I was twisting it into the wound.
I held the single strongest pony that I have ever known that day as she cried into my shoulder, begging for everything to go back to the way it had been before despite what she had revealed to me. It never would, of course. I would always know.
Always.
But if anything, even if I could not return her feelings, to know that I meant so much to her, the world to her, it only served to make the pain cut that much deeper. I only wish that the sort of love she sought from me was something that I could give, but I suppose there are some things that simply cannot be given, no matter how generous your heart may be. We are who we are and we love the way we love. Seeing the devastation in her eyes, I would have changed myself entirely if only I could have. I would have become a different mare, a mare capable of sharing in her heart's desire.
But I could not. I cannot. I am who I am.
Applejack, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I've been searching for a prince in shining armor to come and sweep me off of my hooves all these years. Foalishly, I've been waiting for a faerietale to come true, but you deserve that happily ever after far more than I.
I held one of my closest, dearest friends and watched as she broke down completely, her strength dissolving before my very eyes. At some point, I joined her, tears staining my own cheeks in recognition of what couldn't be.
I broke a good mare's heart that day. A wonderful mare who would sooner throw herself before a ravenous pack of timberwolves than see her friends and family hurt.
I'm not certain that I'll ever be able to forgive myself for it.
Rarity, the Element of Generosity. Some have called me a shining gem, one polished to perfection. I've bought into such flattery too many times to count, but when looking in the mirror every once in a great while I have to wonder. How much have I tarnished... or was that luster ever even there to begin with?
Sometimes I don't know.
...
Applejack, whomever you find and wherever you find them, I hope that they can fill the hole in your heart that I cannot. Everypony deserves another to stand beside them, another to embrace them and hold them aloft when this world that we live in strikes us harshly. But more than that, we all deserve a special somepony in our lives so that they can share in the joyous times as well, to watch the sunrise with us and the sunset at dusk. I know you will find her, wherever she is out there. You're strong, stronger than most ponies have any right to be.
So please, my friend, stay strong. I don't think that I could bare to see you cry again.
