Erotic Toothbrush
by Shivered Timbers

The wooden stairs creaked and groaned as a red unicorn stallion scrambled downward. He was barely able to keep from faceplanting on the landing, so great was his need to reach the front door of his cottage. He hit the rug in front of his door and skidded halfway across his living room before stopping and scuttling back to the door. A thready squeak from outside announced the closing of his mailbox's lid. It was so close; he could almost taste the envelope glue.

After three unsuccessful attempts to open his door with magic, he finally grasped the doorknob in his teeth and nearly gave himself a hernia trying to open it. But at last, at long last the crisp air of morning graced him, along with the sight of a grey pegasus mare flitting away from his house and toward that of his neighbor.

His magic did not disappoint this time: he flipped the mailbox open and dragged out its contents. Thin white envelopes scattered over his begonias as he held a single missive aloft: a scroll tied with pink ribbon and stamped with the royal seal of the Crystal Empire.

"Finally..." The word had barely escaped his lips before he broke the seal, removed the ribbon, and unrolled the scroll. Standing there on his stoop, he scanned it.

Congratutations OCCUPANT,

You may hav alraddy one! Pleas ratarn enclose scrol w/50 bits to folowing ardress--

"What?" He threw the scroll on the ground, setting it on fire with a single thought. "Fucking junk mail, trying to trick me!" As the parchment crackled and turned to ash, he gave the wax seal a glare. The facsimile's flaws became apparent under scrutiny, but he had to admit they were getting better at making them. He tossed it onto the burning embers, where it bubbled and melted into slag, then he picked up the envelopes scattered over his front lawn. Holding them up, he flipped through them quickly.

"Bill. Bill. Bird Cage fanclub propaganda. Porn. Bill. Aha!" Once more the white papers fell like snowflakes upon his begonias as he held one up in renewed triumph. "I should have known from the gold stamp!"

He carefully but quickly tore the envelope to fine shreds, leaving the message inside untouched. It was horn-written, ink on fancy flowered stationery and yes, it bore the seal of the Crystal Empire. He double-checked, just to be sure.

"I got it!" he cried after reading two sentences. With a wild yelp, he tore off down his front walk into the street, shouting, "I got it, I got it!"

"It's five bloody o'clock in the A.M.!" somepony shouted from a nearby window.

"Shut it, ya freak!" cried another.

The stallion did not care. "I'm a winnah! I'm a winnah! I'm a winnah!" He did a small victory dance, shaking his rump in the middle of Stirrup Street before pulling a cartwheel and narrowly avoiding a thrown flowerpot.

He calmed soon after, though his grin never slackened. As he trotted back up the flagstone path to his door, eyes glued to his letter, his neighbor emerged from her cottage, wearing a fluffy pink bathrobe and a severely tired expression, and yawned as she checked her own mail.

"Mornin', Night," she said, smacking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "What's all the yellin' about?"

"Dubs, Cole, check 'em!" He floated the letter over to her, and she read it with half-lidded eyes.

"Dubs?"

"I mean, uh." He brought the letter back to himself. "I've been dubbed the Royal Lottery Winner. Y'know, for the Crystal Empire?"

"Oh yeah," she replied slowly. She yawned again. "That thing you've been talking about for like three weeks. Well, I'm glad you won, congratulations!"

"Thanks, Cole. Hey, I'll be outta town for like three days for this probably. Could you...?"

"Water the begonias and feed the goldfish, yeah." She chuckled softly. "Same as always. You know I don't mind helping out, Fiery."

"Thanks a ton!" Fiery Night grinned at her and rushed back into his home. There was packing to be done!

The next day...

Princess Cadance had been assured and reassured that this was the proper celebration for Foundation Day. It was, after all, a highly traditional holiday, and this would be the first time it had been celebrated properly in over a thousand years. It had been her idea to extend the Royal Lottery to all of Equestria, rather than just the Crystal Empire, and her advisors had been most pleased with the decree. What better way to celebrate the Kingdom's founding than with a message to all of Equestria proclaiming its glory, not to mention its very existence once again? That the Royal Lottery Winner had come from Ponyville only cemented in their minds that it had been a good move.

Still, Cadance thought that perhaps the Royal Crystal Advisors had taken things a bit too far. She was just waiting to meet this pony and get this whole wish-granting business over with.

"Tell me again why I'm doing this," she said to the Royal Crystal Advisor perched beside her on the dais.

"Oh, Your Majesty, the wish-granting tradition has been performed on Foundation Day since the reign of King Rhodochrosite! Any request made of the ruler of the Crystal Empire is to be granted, so long as it falls within the ruler's ability to grant, of course."

Cadance frowned. "What if they're, say, an earth pony, and they wish for a pair of wings?"

"The Crystal Heart can provide much," the Advisor said with a placid smile.

"Or all the bits in the royal coffers?"

The Advisor chuckled. "Contingencies for that sort of wish have been planned, Your Highness." He gave a not-so-subtle nod to the ceiling of the throne room. There, suspended by an intricate rope and pulley system that Cadance was sure had not been there yesterday, were a number of large buckets. In the corners of the room, four crystal ponies waited, holding a rope each.

"I... see..." Cadance made a face, but before she could question further, an alarum without signalled the arrival of the Royal Lottery Winner. Cadance took a deep breath in and let it out with a wave of her hoof as the throne room doors began their ponderous journey open.

From outside came a thin red unicorn stallion with bluish-grey mane. His eyes sparkled as he cast his gaze this way and that across the throne room. Cadance put on her most beatific smile as his eyes fell upon her. They never wavered as he made his approach up the red carpet, stopping an appropriate distance from her throne and bowing.

"Rise, my little pony," Cadance said, doing her best Celestia impression, "and tell me what it is you seek."

"Oh wow," the stallion gushed. "I can't believe I'm actually here! Like, really here, in the Crystal Empire, with Princess Cadance! It's such an honor to meet you, Your Majesty, such a really big honor! I can't even!"

He started approaching a bit closer than necessary, and the pair of Crystal Guards at the bottom of the dais crossed their crystal pikes, blocking his crystal way. His face scrunched up and he retreated a step or two before his enthusiasm waxed anew.

"Uh, anyway, Your Highness, my name is Fiery Night, and I'm from Ponyville." He took in a deep breath. "I'm your biggest fan!"

Cadance raised an eyebrow at this. She had fans? That was new. But then, being a member of royalty certainly might come with such a perk. She felt herself warm to this strange pony, and her smile became more natural.

"Tell me, Fiery Night, what wish would you have me grant on this wondrous Foundation Day?"

"Oh man." The stallion began vibrating. "Oh man, oh man. I can't... I just can't!"

Cadance's smile took on a slightly anxious note. "You... can't?"

"I can barely believe I'm here, I mean! Oh wait, I already said that. I, uh, should probably tell you what I want, right?"

The Crystal Princess nodded.

"Okay. Good. I'll totally do that." He sucked in another breath between his teeth. "Here goes.

"I want you to sit on my face."

Jaws across the room dropped. Cadance's eyes grew wide. The Advisor glanced up at the ceiling and surreptitiously shook his head.

"I... must have misheard you, Fiery Night," Cadance said, an edge creeping into her voice. "You want me to..."

"Sit on my face." The stallion nodded and began blushing redder.

"You realize I'm married, right?"

Fiery Night's eyes widened. "Oh, crap, I don't mean it like that, Princess, I promise! I just want to..." He rubbed one fetlock against the other.

"To...?"

"It's kind of embarrassing. Do I have to say it in front of all these ponies?"

The Advisor cleared his throat. "Whatever you say, know that it will be kept in highest confidence by the ponies here. That is a Royal Crystal Promise."

Then he performed a strange jig, miming stabbing himself in the chest, flailing his hooves in the air, and then slamming one hoof against the other.

"Cross my crystal, hope to crystal, stick a crystal in my crystal!"

Cadance eyed him askance.

"All right," Fiery Night said, mustering up his courage. "I want to, umm... To brush my teeth with your tail."

Cadance facehoofed. She couldn't help it.

"I won't lie: this is the most ludicrous request I've ever heard."

"It isn't outside the parameters of what can be requested," the Advisor offered unhelpfully.

Cadance ignored him and frowned at her petitioner. "And you need me to sit on your face for that?"

"Well, uh..." His red cheeks grew a fiery crimson. "I just kinda like that. And I can't think of any mare I'd want to have do that for me than you, Princess. I really mean it." He bowed once more. "I promise I won't do anything more than that."

"Will you Royal Crystal Promise?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh..." Thinking for a moment, Fiery Night then tried his best to imitate what he had just seen. "Crystal my crystal and, uh... crystal crystals into... crystal?"

"Close enough," the Advisor murmured to the Princess. Louder, he said, "Just remember, should you break that Royal Crystal Promise, you'll get... the crystal chair."

Fiery Night paled. Even Cadance had to shiver at the vehement threat behnid that proclamation, despite not knowing what the "crystal chair" even was. She really needed to consider finding her Advisor a job more suited to his talents. Like Royal Crystal Executioner.

"Very well then," she said with a sigh, "I suppose I must. Follow me to the Royal Crystal Bedchamber, Fiery Night, and I shall grant your request."

Fiery had decided to dispense with dignity. He bounced along like an overcaffeinated filly behind Princess Cadance as they retired to the Royal Crystal Bedchamber, shifting his attention from the gaudy crystal ornaments adorning the walls and vaulted ceilings of the palace to Cadance's severely awesome plot. The way her cotton candy tail swung back and forth entranced him, though even it could not break the spell cast by the palace. Everything around here was just so shiny.

"Here we are," she said at last, stopping in front of a doorway, with crystal scrollwork that resembled the design on the Princess's cutie mark.

"This must be the place!" Fiery Night said, a little too eagerly. Cadance gave him a bit of a look, but turned and stepped inside, bidding him follow her.

"Despite your promise," she said, "I really cannot conceive of doing anything of this sort anywhere but here." She took in a deep breath. "But don't get too excited--"

"Oh wow!" The red stallion was everywhere in a blur, looking into, at, around and under everything he could find. "Is this your perfume? What kind is it? Oh wow, sweet vanity mirror! Look at these dresses, I can't believe this! Oh gosh, I'm totally touching the royal crystal bedside lamp! Holy butts, this bed is springy!"

Cadance cleared her throat and levelled a flat stare at him. "We won't be doing anything on the bed."

Fiery Night stopped mid-bounce, alighting on the bedspread with a sheepish grin and a soft pomf. He gently tucked a stray sheet corner back into position, then zipped over to Cadance.

"Sorry. Just excited."

The Princess's royal eyes closed. She drew a deep breath in through her royal nostrils, lifted her hoof, and made a waving motion away from herself while simultaneously breathing out.

"So, uh, where are we--"

"Lay down on the rug, please."

Fiery Night did as asked. He really couldn't contain his excitement. Laying on his back, he felt the plush shag carpeting beneath himself, the rug which caught his body's warmth, holding and amplifying it. It embraced him like a mother holding her child while he waited anxiously for a princess to sit on his face.

He dared not move as he watched Cadance approach him, step by halting step. Her every move was graceful and fluid, her body toned and lithe. So delicate was her form that her skin was like liquid glass, rippling and flowing over trim muscles. Her advance sent little tingly lightning bolts through his skin. It didn't seem possible for the Princess of Love not to be incredibly sexy in everything she did.

Unfortunately, as she moved beside him, Fiery Night realized he was sporting major wood.

"Oh crap." He crossed his hind legs, trying desperately to hide his tremendous erection.

She eyed him with a look of disgust. "You're not making this any easier, you know."

"I'm sorry, Princess! Please don't send me to the crystal chair!" He began to nibble on his hoof, an old habit from when he was a foal. "I'm trying to keep my Royal Crystal Promise, but..." He flailed a hoof at his raging erection. "It's got a mind of its own!"

Cadance frowned and moved around him. "I believe you. And I won't send you to the crystal chair, whatever that is. We just have to avoid... you know..." Her cheeks reddened. "Penetration."

She cleared her throat. "So I just have to sit on your face, right?"

"Yes!" It came out as more of a squeak than Fiery Night had intended. He compensated by repeating it in a far manlier register. "I mean yes. You don't even have to move. Just close your eyes and I'll, um... With your tail..." He bit his lip, trying to suppress a grin.

With a sigh, Cadance stepped over him. Her multicolored tail swayed invitingly over his face and he had to swallow, lest drool escape his lips. Very slowly, her hindquarters began to lower over him. He was blinded momentarily by yellow and purple hair as he got a face-full of tail. Resisting the urge to bite down on it before she had finished sitting on him, he brushed the hairs out of his eyes and was rewarded with the sight of the Princess of Love's most treasured secret.

Her marehood was soft and trim, a light pink that matched her coat. The shape was utterly perfect, like a tulip that had yet to fully flower. Around it, the twin curves of her rump stretched heavenward, inviting stroking and caressing. Just contemplating Cadance's ass made Fiery Night drool, and he could feel his erection resolving to full stiffness once more.

Keeping to his promise, however, he kept his hooves at his sides. Very gingerly, she lowered herself onto his muzzle and he felt the soft squish of her nether lips parting around his nose. It took every ounce of willpower not to flick out his tongue and taste the Princess of Love, but a quick mental reminder about the "crystal chair" helped him keep in line. Cadance grunted in frustration and moved her butt a bit lower on his body, finally settling her weight on his chest. She was perhaps a bit heavier than he'd expected, but then again she was an alicorn, and larger than he. His body pressed into the carpet, and though her position made breathing a bit harder, he wouldn't have had this any other way. Plus, he wasn't about to tell a Princess that she was heavy.

"I don't think," she said haltingly, "that I can actually sit on your face if you want to... You know."

"It's okay, Princess. This is just fine. I'll be as quick as I can."

His eyes roved up to the balloon knot below her tail before he took that tail in his hooves and held it up. It was a beautiful sight to behold. He drew in a deep breath, the scent of lilac, lavender and warm sugar invading his nostrils. It was time.

That morning, he had made sure not to brush his teeth before boarding the train to the Crystal Empire. Furthermore, he'd eaten a poppyseed muffin, a bowl of raspberries, some sunflower seeds and a strawberry smoothie for breakfast. His teeth, like the rest of his body, were ready.

Gingerly, he took Cadance's tail in his magic, saying, "Let me know if I pull too hard." She nodded, and he ran the strands of her tail over his muzzle, breathing in that lovely floral scent. A few hairs naturally separated out as he did this and he took them up, gazing intently at how multiple colors coruscated along a single filament. With a half dozen or so in his grip, he opened his mouth and got to work.

The tail, sadly, just tasted like hair, nothing like how it smelled. That was all right, though; he hadn't exactly been anticipating minty freshness. The hairs squeaked against his teeth as he drew them along the edges, soft plinks sounding as they drew out from the slight gaps between tooth and gum. It occurred to him that "brush teeth with tail" was not exactly what he was doing. One couldn't really scrub properly with a bundle of long, loose hairs like this. He was, essentially, flossing, and he hoped that would be enough for her.

With renewed determination, he attacked his upper incisors, feeling bits of seed dislodge. His gums relaxed back into the spaces the food had created, a cathartic sensation that sent tingles through his mouth. The more stuck food particles he released, the more clean his mouth felt, and so help him if that didn't make him feel prickly all over.

He moved his improvised floss bundle to the next tooth, and the next. As he drew back toward his premolars, Cadance grunted softly and gently shifted atop him.

"So'y, P'ihess," he said, switching to a new set of hairs that were closer to the back of his mouth so he didn't have to pull so much.

"How... How's it going back there?"

"Ju' hine!" He smiled as much as he could with his mouth open.

"That's good, I guess..."

Fiery was thankful for the fineness of the Princess's tail hairs, as he could work them easily into the tight spaces between the teeth lining his jaw. Not only was he dislodging the seeds from this morning's breakfast, but other bits of vegetable matter, no doubt hay, that had been left there who knew how long. He really needed to floss more regularly.

It was almost like the hairs were cutting down between tooth and gum. He felt slight jolts of pain that only made the other sensations more pleasurable. It was quite possible, despite living next to a dentist, that he'd never had this much care shown his teeth before. It was all thanks to the Princess of Love.

Cadance. The perfect alicorn princess who sat now on his chest, her ponderous rump shining over him like a warm, pink sun. He'd always had a thing for her, always been entranced by her beauty and her charms. Her status as the leader of an entire kingdom sure didn't hurt. She was everything he'd ever wanted in a partner, and to experience her this way was...

It was driving him mad.

He worked furiously at his back molars, prying poppyseeds loose and swallowing them, not caring what else might be rushing down his throat. Every time one of those hairs brushed along his lips, it sent a jolt of electricity through him. It was like Cadance was made of pure emotion, and tasting it was like licking lightning.

It was better than a warm hug or a passionate kiss. It was better than the one time he got frisky with one of his coworkers behind the office, because that was totally not gay. It was better than sex.

His hips tensed as the bundle of hairs drew a particularly stubborn strawberry pip from behind his lower canine. The second he delved back into the gap with, the very instant the strands made contact with his gumline, he gasped and shuddered, and a spurt of hot passion blasted forth from his engorged stallion rod. His magic flickered and died, and he collapsed backward on the soft carpeting, multicolored hair obscuring his vision.

"Ew!" Cadance shouted. "Agh, what the hay? It went right in my eye!"

Something told Fiery Night that he should be concerned about that statement, but at the moment, he was too busy feeling noodly and awesome to do anything about it. That's why he was completely caught off guard when Cadance rose from him and lifted him in her magic.

"All right, does that fulfill your wish?"

He nodded dumbly.

"Good. Now get out! Guards!"

Fiery found himself floating over to the bedroom doors as they burst open and a pair of Royal Crystal Guards grabbed him.

"Please escort the Royal Lottery Winner out."

He was just beginning to care about what was happening, not to mention his flaccid dick flopping in the breeze, when they took him to an outer door and tossed him unceremoniously down the steps.

"We hope you enjoyed your stay!" one shouted, and then he could hear their armored hoofsteps receding into the palace.

Fiery hauled himself to his hooves and dusted himself off. His member had thankfully retreated out of sight, so at least he didn't have to deal with that indignity anymore. Turning to the setting sun, he closed his eyes and pictured Cadance's magnificent hindquarters, lowering over his face like the sun over the horizon. Just the thought of those taut, toned cheeks was enough to lift his spirits.

"It was worth it," he whispered to himself, and smiled. Then he turned from the palace and trotted off, to see if he could catch a late train back to Ponyville.

It had been a long evening's work, showering, showering again, and brushing. So much brushing. The Royal Crystal Tail Brusher had in fact given up, letting Cadance finish the task herself. It wasn't until the Princess had ensured that every last bit of food and plaque was removed, when the horrible feeling that there was someone still gnawing on her tail had finally dissipated into a vague nagging at the back of her mind, that she finally felt ready to present herself to the court again.

The first pony to greet her as she returned to the throne room was the same Royal Crystal Advisor who had seen her off. She didn't feel exactly overjoyed to see him.

"Is my husband around?" she asked, as the Advisor bowed to her.

"No, Your Highness. He retired early this evening."

"Good." Cadance sat upon her throne, rubbing her face with both hooves. She checked once more to make certain her tail was clean. "I don't think I could face him right now."

"How did it go, Your Highness, if you don't mind my asking?"

Cadance gritted her teeth. "It was horrible."

The Advisor frowned. "I'm sorry to hear that, Your Highness. If the Royal Lottery Winner's wish was not fulfilled, why, we'll have to hold a second lottery and--"

"No!" Cadance lunged at him, fire blazing in her eyes. As he shrank back from her, she cleared her throat. "I mean no, that won't be necessary. His wish was fulfilled, it just... Wasn't exactly fun for me." She closed her eyes and leaned back against her throne. "I think it might be a good idea to add a few more exclusions to what, exactly, Royal Lottery Winners can wish for."

"I'll present a motion at the next Royal Crystal Advisors meeting, Your Highness." The Advisor bowed and stepped from the dais. "Now, if you have no further need of me, I shall retire for the night."

She nodded and waved him on, looking forward to the silence and solitude for a bit. Then, she thought of something.

"May I ask something?"

He stopped, turning back to face her. "Of course, Your Highness."

"What exactly is the 'crystal chair'?"

The Advisor smiled. "Well, I have no idea, Your Majesty."

"What?" Cadance's eye twitched. "Explain yourself."

"To be perfectly honest, Princess, at the time it was asked, I could not actually recall the punishment for breaking a Royal Crystal Promise, and as I felt rather put on the spot, I just made something up. But I assure you, I shall refresh my memory on Royal Crystal Promise procedures on the morn. And thankfully, the Royal Lottery Winner did not renege on his Royal Crystal Promise."

"That... won't be necessary," Cadance said levelly, her eye twitching faster. "I have another task I'd rather you pursue."

"Oh? Merely name it, Your Highness. I am but your humble servant."

"I want you to make a crystal chair," Cadance said, rising. "I want it to be as pointy and sharp and torturous and nasty as you can possibly design it. And then I want you to sit on it!"

With a cry of fear, the Advisor leapt into the air and fled from the throne room. Cadance nodded to the ceiling, and his escape was made quite a bit moister.

Back in Ponyville, as the sun sank low in the sky and the moon rose overhead, a blue unicorn mare lay in bed, sobbing. It was not her bed, but her neighbor's, for he had asked her to feed his goldfish while he was away. Given the full freedom of his house, she could not resist entering his boudoir and sniffing the pillows just a little. They smelled of sweat and cheese -- his cheese -- as they had every time before.

She had lain there, gazing over the Bird Cage movie posters and pinups of Princess Cadance in various naughty poses, products a youth misspent foalsitting and doing whatever else it was teenagers did to earn money, until her eyes had fallen upon a framed picture of him. With him were a few other stallions, all smiling at the camera while giving each other various degrees of noogie.

She had read the caption aloud. "My friends."

That was when her dental sense had gone berserk. As the afternoon turned into evening, she had found herself sullying the bed with longing and repressed passion. Now, she lay, breathing evenly, tears clouding her vision as she mumbled softly into the cheesy pillow.

"Why I no brush your teeth?"

Author's Note

I oughta be ashamed o' meself.

Explanation fer this 'ere piece of flotsam comes from a series o' posts on EQAD's tumblr. Fiery Night b'longs t' Alexstrazsa, the silly bastard.

Me only 'ope is there's some poor bloke out in this wide, salty sea, what's always been frustrated there's ne'er been a story capturin' 'is love o' tooth-brushin', and now I finally made 'im 'appy. If'n ye be real, matey, bless yer 'eart.