Rehab with Bright Colors

After putting his cloths on once more (And thanking whatever diety that decided to spare them being sullied with sex juice) Hex made a mental note to get his cloths from Rarity and then attempt to avoid her like the fucking plague. It was bad enough dealing with Vinyl's apparently ravenous sexual escapades he really didn't need a second, even more rambunctious contender driving him nuts.

The girls looked refreshed and bouncy, which honestly pissed him off a little considering he felt like a worn out toy that had been shown way too much love. But he reminded himself that cloths were essential if he didn't want to go around in his suit all the time. That and he would need to wash his current pair soon if he wanted to keep from smelling rough around so many females.

That was something he considered while the girls chattered and led the way through the town. There seemed to be an excessive amount of mares running around the place that didn't quite make sense. A lot of the guards were male but then again there were also a lot of female ones as well. Also there was the little fact that the ruling bodies for both Equestria and the Crystal empire were all ladies... He wondered if there were any of the weird critters like Celestia who were male...

All functional thoughts ceased when the Library came into view. There was a Viking ship parked outside in assault walker configuration right beside his Vulture, and unless he was going bat shit crazy (Which he still secretly thought was possible) someone had piloted that beast here. Guards were stationed at the door, but from the shit eating grins on their faces something amusing was going on inside.

"Oh please, please, any god across the universe let it be anyone besides....."

As the door opened he saw the last person he wanted to lay eyes on. The very last human being that he might be forced to spend his entire life with, and just so happened to be straddling Shining Armor and molesting the poor bastards ears and horn with gusto.

"HEXUS FUCKING MURDOC! FUCK ME SIDEWAYS YOU'RE OUT OF THE CAN!"

Minerva Mendoza. The one Viking pilot in the entire universe of Terran pilots who not only knew Hex personally but had some kind of vendetta against him.

Celestia and Luna where there along with Sparky and four other mares he didn't recognize. All of them were smiling and giggling at the plight Shiny was in, and he actually felt kinda bad for the captain since he knew how easy it was to immobilize a pony when you fondled their heads.

"PLeaSE! HeX! Get HER OFF!"

"Awwwww Hex! These little boy ponies are the cutest thing ever! Look at that blush! Who's a naught boy!

"Minerva. Get off of Shiny, I kinda need him coherent. Two things, one that particular pony your molesting is married and two how in the fuck did you get here?"

"Well sir killjoy, I'm not a pony so I'll play with this cutie pie all I want. And as for the second, no idea. I was retreating through a warp gate with a capital ship when Kerrigan blew the damn thing up mid jump. Now I'm here."

After a long winded sigh silence fell over the group as Hex, Rarity, and Vinyl found places to sit. Celestia was the one who finally broke the awkward moment.

"I believe introductions are in order. All present know my sister and I so if you could Minerva?"

"Minerva Mendoza, 104 Raiders squad and the pilot of that huge walker outside."

Hex listened carefully as each of the new girls gave their names and strangely enough what kind of element of harmony they represented. He still had no idea what that meant but when it was his turn he tried to slide by with as little as possible.

"Hexus Murdoc, Infantry."

"And......."

Of course that she bitch Minerva would bust his ass.

"And what? Just infantry attached to the North Star."

"You didn't tell them you were a Death's Knell did you?"

"Why would they need to know that Minerva?

"Because Death's Knell are the most dangerous soldiers in Terran employ. They also happened to be the worst criminals known to mankind. How did you manage to get out of that suit Hex?"

After a glare was shared between the two of them Celestia once again came to the rescue.

"Hexus has proven beyond any reasonable doubt. He has earned a pardon from his own kind as well as myself. I can assure you Minerva that after personally going through his memories he is in fact a free man."

"Wow.... You have to be the first fucking death head to survive your sentence you know that Hex? I bet your head is a scary ass place."

Rolling his eyes he attempted to steer the conversation clear of anything weird but Minerva beat him too it.

"It's not that I hate Hex here, its just that he's kind of a legend in our circle. This crazy bastard actually saved my life, twice at that. Then there's also the running bet his dick and balls have been replaced with huge metal monstrosities considering how many times he's survived something that should have killed him off."

He could only glare at Minerva with the purest hate before being dragged through the dirt not ten seconds later.

"Oh Mr. Flank Shot also has a name for himself here in Equestria!"

Fuck you moon pony, fuck you all the way to the damn moon but the moment she said that Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie all snapped their heads towards him and spoke almost unanimously.

"YOUR FLANK SHOT?!"

The sound of his hand impacting his face was enough to bring girlish giggles from nearly all of them with the exception of the small yellow pony who was hiding under her hooves beet red.

It wasn't enough having Minerva and fucking moon pony poking at him, his new human comrade decided to keep things rolling.

"If you'd be so kind as to fill me in on that story later Luna I'd love to hear how he got that name. So you're finally out of the can eh Hex? These little ponies are kinda cute! I wonder if the males are hung like horses..."

"You're sick Minerva, it's been what a single day?"

"Bitch please, you're the one who's been locked in a can for what three years? Bet fucking money you've tapped one of them! I'll even bet you blew like a virgin and passed out!"

"Actually he's got six girl-gasums to four of his own in what..... less than a day?

The sound of his head smashing into the table and literally fracturing the wood was only dulled by the hysterical laughter from Minerva, who laughed so hard she actually stopped molesting Shining and fell off. The captain took his chance and escaped while he could.

"FUCK MY LIFE VINYL!"

"Dude! Ain't nothing to be ashamed of! You should be proud!"

"VINYL! THERE ARE FOUR WOMAN I DON'T KNOW HERE AND THREE OF THEM WHO DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT INFORMATION!"

For the love of all things holy it was the quiet yellow pony Fluttershy who pipped up.

"Umm.... If Twilight, Princess Luna, and Princess Celestia are the three who already knew you then.... shouldn't it be.... five that don't know you? I mean.... you came in with Rarity so I guess... you already know her......"

"I went to visit her earlier to get some cloths and have my measurements taken...."

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU BONED BOTH OF THEM DIDN'T YOU?!"

As a last plea to whatever god had decided to torment him he looked over at Vinyl and Rarity, praying that they would at the very least deny the accusation. Rarity only smirked and fluffed her hair out and Vinyl wore a proud fucking grin that confirmed everyone's suspicions.

The sound of his melon splintering wood sounded again as he wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and die. He couldn't bring himself to look at the group of woman surrounding him.

"WOW! I didn't know you had in you Hex! The first human to make contact with ponies! AND YOU SHAGGED TWO OF THEM IN ONE DAY! ONE SO WELL SHE BRAGS ABOUT IT!"

"Minerva, please just die already."

"Oh but Hex! Then I wouldn't get a chance to tap that! Hell if your already banging the locals I might as well give the studs a shot myself! Gotta help build that legend up! WE ARE HUMANS AND WE FUCK LIKE GODS!"

"I hate you so much."

When he did look up Celestia, Luna, Minerva, Vinyl, and Rarity all had soft blushes and those horrible grins spreading across their faces. The others however looked extremely red and uncomfortable, poor Fluttershy looked like she would die of embarrassment and to be honest he didn't even care. Of all the ones to drag that out she was seriously the last he would possible accuse.

"I'll be right back, I'm going outside to kill myself."

As he got up to leave Vinyl hopped onto his back and hung there while she nuzzled his head.

"Nuuuuu! Who's going to pet me when I get lonely!"

"I.... I just want to drink until I forget how to breath....."

Applejack actually came to his rescue when she pulled out a large crate from behind where she was sitting.

"Its a might rude for you ponies to drag somthin like that out! Ah promise it won't leave the room from my mouth Hex! Now don't be down cuse of a little brow beatin, Ah brought somethin to welcome yew two ta ponyville!"

From the thick accent and the three huge clay jugs with three X's across the front he had to assume that nothing but liquid oblivion was sloshing around inside, but with a sweet smirk Minerva plucked one of the jars up and winked at Applejack.

"I would love to stay and hear the liquored up story of what Hex has been up too but I've got some work to do on my Viking, that and I've got to convince cutie pies wifey to let me borrow him for a while. Maybe I'll use the shocker on that little lady."

Holding her hand out in the jester and making her whole arm shake suggestively Hex could only sigh and look at Shiny sadly. The poor stallion was looking at him with terror and pleading but he couldn't help him. If she wasn't so interested in Shiny then she'd probably be after him, and he didn't need to add another name to the crazy fuck buddy avoidance list.

When Celestia, Luna, Minerva, and Shining Armor bade their farewells (Shiny looking like he wanted to flee into the woods) Hex breathed easier when he heard the Viking start up and fly away into the distance. Another human was in Equestria with him, and poor Shining was the first victim on that crazy bitch's rape list.

Looking around he found the elements of harmony plus one Vinyl Scratch chatting and giggling to each other as the flying rainbow colored pony flew in through the open window with multiple shot glasses.

"Now every pony, about that game I heard about.... Who's up for spin the bottle flank shots?"

Oh god. He just couldn't get away with anything.